Alpha's Countdown of the TOP 100 BEST FILMS OF CAYOM 2.0 - The Countdown Begins!

[Alpha]

#34

 

Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. Santa Claus: Ultimate Badass
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson and lives.

Written by: @Blankments
Directed by: Clark Gregg
Starring: Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Billy Bob Thornton, Dwayne Johnson, Eminem
Release Date: November 22nd, Year 7
Domestic Gross: $160.9 million
Oscar Nominations: 3
Oscar Wins: 2

My personal favorite from Blankments' Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson franchise. Part of that's because I also really like Santa Claus: Ultimate Badass, but also because it's the biggest amount of ridiculous fun I've had with these movies. The film's epic runtime of 258 minutes, along with the B-movie trailers in-between makes it feel like a CAYOM version of Grindhouse. Oh, and there's rapping snowman Eminem (shit was so cash). It's the ultimate popcorn movie, and it's honestly the late peak of this crazy franchise.

 

 

Edited September 16, 2016 by Alpha

[Alpha]

I'll preface #33 with an announcement that the Top 10 Craziest Box Office Runs list will be replaced with the Top 15 Craziest Film Ideas That Never Got Made, which will begin before #30.

 

#33

 

Mushishi
"I liektheiseamimays"

Written by: @rukaio101
Directed by: Guillermo del Toro
Starring: Colin Farrell, Ty Simpkins, Thomas Gibson, Rose Bryne, Sigourney Weaver
Release Date: December 19th, Year 8
Domestic Gross: $310.6 million
Oscar Nominations: 15
Oscar Wins: 6

A brief note: how did Mushishi not get nominated for Best Picture? I mean, it literally had 15 nominations including Director, Actor, Actress, Supp. Actress, Screenplay and a shitton of tech nods, and it won the most Oscars in Year 8? Aside from that, Mushishi remains my favorite from all of Rukaio's live-action anime adaptations. Colin Farrell is perfectly cast in the role of Ginko (I haven't even seen the original Mushishi and it's pretty easy to tell he fits the character), and there's some great supporting turns from the rest of the cast. For a big-budget blockbuster film, Mushishi feels like a much more hypnotic, artistic effort that has an original vision. Rukaio totally nailed it down with this one.

2

Edited September 16, 2016 by Alpha

[Alpha]

#32

 

Train 38
Park Chan-Wook really likes his trains.
Written by: @Spaghetti
Directed by: Park Chan-Wook
Starring: Kate Winslet, Ciaran Hinds
Release Date: May 24th, Year 9
Domestic Gross: $71 million
Oscar Nominations: 1
Oscar Wins: 0

Train 38 is one mindfuck of a movie. But it sure is crazy good. Kate Winslet is brilliant in this movie, in a performance I honestly believe should've won Best Actress in Year 9. She's great at playing the part of a woman who's probably just as confused and intrigued as we are. There's a ton of atmosphere and tension that builds up perfectly, and it's done better than any horror film from that year. Finally, it's a pretty great allegory on Purgatory and life after death. The symbolism present throughout the film is thought-provoking without being manipulative. It's confusing on a first read, but every time I come back to it, it gets better and better.

 

 

Edited September 16, 2016 by Alpha

[Alpha]

#31

 

Le Plaisir, Faux
*insert Haneke joke*

Written by: @riczhang
Directed by: Michael Haneke
Starring: Isabelle Huppert, Guillaume de Tonquédac
Release Date: December 1st, Year 7
Domestic Gross: $18.6 million
Oscar Nominations: 2
Oscar Wins: 1

I actually feel kinda bad that I used to diss Haneke a lot because I've really grown to appreciate him as a director. Le Plaisir, Faux is another example of that. Props to Oscar thief Isabelle Huppert for giving an involved performance that adds to the film's cold attitude. Speaking of cold attitude, Le Plaisir, Faux is a pretty damaging tale of a loveless marriage that ends up carrying the emotional power that Haneke masters so beautifully and tragically. It feels effortless at times, but I think that speaks to the fact that it's a pretty simple story with a very powerful theme of coldness and nihilism.

 

 

Edited September 16, 2016 by Alpha

[Ezen Baklattan]

I will probably attempt such a list soon.

[Hiccup23]

2 minutes ago, Spaghetti said:

I will probably attempt such a list soon.

I really want to as well but I don't have the time  

[cookie]

2 hours ago, Hiccup23 said:

I really want to as well but I don't have the time  

 

I feel ya. I'd like to put together my own list but I'm too busy balancing my studies and working on my remaining films for Y10. Maybe after this year concludes I'll throw together something.

[Blankments]

16 hours ago, Alpha said:

#34

  Hide contents

Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. Santa Claus: Ultimate Badass
There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson and lives.

Written by: @Blankments
Directed by: Clark Gregg
Starring: Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Billy Bob Thornton, Dwayne Johnson, Eminem
Release Date: November 22nd, Year 7
Domestic Gross: $160.9 million
Oscar Nominations: 3
Oscar Wins: 2

My personal favorite from Blankments' Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson franchise. Part of that's because I also really like Santa Claus: Ultimate Badass, but also because it's the biggest amount of ridiculous fun I've had with these movies. The film's epic runtime of 258 minutes, along with the B-movie trailers in-between makes it feel like a CAYOM version of Grindhouse. Oh, and there's rapping snowman Eminem (shit was so cash). It's the ultimate popcorn movie, and it's honestly the late peak of this crazy franchise.

 

 

My two greatest achievements in CAYOM

 

1. Getting a MLP fanfiction nominated for 9 Academy Awards

2. Turning Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson from trash to one of the most loved franchises in the game

[ChD]

Decided to randomly log in and see the review for The Hunt for the Wilderbest when I got a notification that I was mentioned somewhere. It's been quite some time... Thanks Alpha for doing this. To be entirely honest, looking through this whole list made me nostalgic.

 

[Alpha]

I'm just gonna continue the regular list instead of doing a "craziest film ideas" list. I might share some of my own ridiculous ideas that never got made later on.

 

#30

 

Innocense
Written by: @Blankments
Directed by: Majid Majidi
Starring: Reza Naji
Release Date: August 4th, Year 7
Domestic Gross: $16.3 million
Oscar Nominations: 2
Oscar Wins: 2

Let's get something out of the way; Innocense is no Killer Computer. Sure, they're both really disturbing, but the former is not written as some kind of shock movie trying to push the edge. Instead, Innocense is a powerful, blunt statement on gender issues in the Middle East. The rape of the child portrayed in the film is absolutely disgusting and deplorable, but here the child is condemned. Like it or not, what happens here is true. And this is where Innocense truly comes into form. The effect of its message is lasting and poignant, and even if some may consider it nasty and off-putting, it resonates with true force.

 

 

Edited September 18, 2016 by Alpha

[Alpha]

#29

 

The Rise and Fall of Julius Caesar
Written by: @4815162342
Directed by: Peter Weir
Starring: Clive Owen, Henry Cavill, Matthew Goode, Paul Bettany, Virginie Ledoyen
Release Date: December 15th, Year 7
Domestic Gross: $382.8 million
Oscar Nominations: 18 (including Best Picture)
Oscar Wins: 5 (including Best Picture)

Numbers' promise of his second Rome film being better than Alesia is resoundingly true. The Rise and Fall of Julius Caesar combines exhilarating battle sequences (complete with fantastic visuals) with intense political drama. Kinda like how Avarice improved upon everything about Nirvana, The Rise and Fall of Julius Caesar improved upon everything about Alesia. The acting improves, with Clive Owen building on his already impressive performance of Julius Caesar. But Matthew Goode completely steals every single scene he's in. It's kinda sad he didn't win Best Supporting Actor in Year 7 because he was simply amazing. Numbers absolutely wrote Brutus well and Goode portrays him astoundingly good. The Rise and Fall of Julius Caesar is a pitch-perfect period epic. Everything about it is done without much error.

 

 

Edited September 18, 2016 by Alpha

[Alpha]

#28

 

U.S.S. Seawolf
Written by: @4815162342
Directed by: Sam Mendes
Starring: Matt Damon, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ed Harris, Tony Leung, Damian Lewis
Release Date: July 27th, Year 2
Domestic Gross: $172 million
Oscar Nominations: 11 (including Best Picture)
Oscar Wins: 5

U.S.S. Seawolf is awesome. Sam Mendes' direction is tightly wound and perfectly done. The acting performances, especially from Ed Harris as Admiral Arnold Morgan are all done especially well. Finally, the action sequences are all fantastically done. Actually, I feel like a lot of the intensity is done much better here than The Shark Mutiny, because the stakes are raised much higher in this movie. This little review is pretty much a repeat of my Shark Mutiny  review, but still, nicely done.

 

1

Edited September 18, 2016 by Alpha

[Alpha]

#27

 

Cybernetic 7
Written by: @rukaio101
Directed by: Joaquim Dos Santos
Starring: Maisie Williams, John Hurt, Mark Strong, Emma Thompson, Emily Blunt
Release Date: October 18th, Year 9
Domestic Gross: $164.6 million
Oscar Nominations: 12 (including Best Picture)
Oscar Wins:  10 (including Best Picture)

Rukaio's mecha play on Seven Samurai (set in space) is pulled off tremendously great. The action is absolutely thrilling, with the animation truly coming out in full form. The idea of switching to animation both allows the anime inspirations to come out in full force and gives the epic action sequences a beautiful feeling. But enough about action, the characterization is done extremely well. Maisie Williams' character is personally for me the best part of the film; her teenage perspective presents a unique story that makes Cybernetic 7 truly shine. It's one of the best animated films in CAYOM, and it's...nearly, a deserving Best Picture winner for Year 9 (it's nice to know the CAYOM Academy appreciates animation more than real-life).

 

4

Edited September 18, 2016 by Alpha

[Alpha]

#26

 

The Eccentric Minds of Belmond Lane
Written by: @Spaghetti
Directed by: Wes Anderson
Starring: Emma Watson, Owen Watson, Rhys Ifans, Jason Schwartzman, Paul Dano
Release Date: November 24th, Year 5
Domestic Gross: $38.2 million
Oscar Nominations: 6 (including Best Picture)
Oscar Wins: 3 (including Best Picture)

Wes Anderson is one of my favorite directors. I've loved nearly all of his films. And I have to say, Spaghetti has been able to keep his style intact perfectly with The Eccentric Minds of Belmond Lane. The quirky yet dry humour, the unique production design, the symmetrical cinematography, even the title cards. Anderson's style is unique enough that a simple imitation of it would probably result in an unsuccessful fan tribute. The Eccentric Minds of Belmond Lane avoids that with some great performances from Emma Watson and Rhys Ifans and some amazing writing.

 

 

Coming up soon, THE TOP 10 WORST FILMS IN CAYOM 2.0. And after that, the Top 25 begins!

Edited September 18, 2016 by Alpha

[Blankments]

18 hours ago, Alpha said:

Coming up soon, THE TOP 10 WORST FILMS IN CAYOM 2.0. And after that, the Top 25 begins!

No Kansas, no sale

[4815162342]

Maybe he should do Top 10 Numbers Takedowns 

[Blankments]

2 minutes ago, 4815162342 said:

Maybe he should do Top 10 Numbers Takedowns 

We all know #1, why bother lol

[Alpha]

1 hour ago, 4815162342 said:

Maybe he should do Top 10 Numbers Takedowns 

 

 

Funnily enough my "worst-of" list has a Numbers-esque takedown.

[Alpha]

Top 25 list resumes tomorrow night. I have some other non-forum work to catch up on.

[Alpha]

Figured I'd post this now. It's time to sort the cream from the crap, because its...

 

THE TOP 10 WORST FILMS OF CAYOM

 

10. 3:40 AM
I can't even tell what this is about. Honestly, I don't get Blankments' mancrush on David Henrie. I dunno, maybe it's an early 20s thing.

9. Mickey After Walt
Did I ever tell you what the definition of insanity is? Insanity is doing the exact...same fucking thing...over and over again expecting...shit to change...That. Is. Crazy. The first time somebody told me that, I dunno, I thought they were bullshitting me, so, I shot him. The thing is...He was right. And then I started seeing, everywhere I looked, everywhere I looked all these fucking pricks, everywhere I looked, doing the exact same fucking thing...over and over and over and over again thinking 'this time is gonna be different' no, no, no please...This time is gonna be different, I'm sorry, I don't like...The way...you are looking at me...Okay, Do you have a fucking problem in your head, do you think I am bullshitting you, do you think I am lying? Fuck you! Okay? Fuck you!...It's okay, man. I'm gonna chill, hermano. I'm gonna chill...The thing is...Alright, the thing is I killed you once already...and it's not like I am fucking crazy. It's okay...It's like water under the bridge. Did I ever tell you the definition...of insanity?

8. Kansas
Now, we’re past Blankments’ David Henrie obsession. I don't want to echo what many readers already have said about Kansas so I direct you to Blankments' review because I think he does a good job of trashing this film.

7. Move
It's so nonsensical, it's actually hilarious. Like how one of the main characters runs over her ex-boyfriend and receives no consequences whatsoever. Or how another main character suffers from an emotional breakdown in the form of a pop song because some guy at a bar didn't end up with her. Stuff like that just makes you gawk at your computer screen. I have to say that while it was entertaining to read, Move is pretty much just unintentional absurdity and ridiculousness masked under a bunch of pop songs from a generic British girl group I've never listened to.

6. Brandybrook
Brandybrook is why I hate McFarlane in general outside of the one clever thing he does every five years or so; the comedy is so desperately trying to be funny, throwing out as many awful stereotypes as it can. It's ironic for a movie that's supposed to keep me howling with laughter I could only hear the sounds of people snoring in a theater. Hey McFarlane, that's what we call a fucking joke, ya dig?

5. The Disappearance of Ashley, Kansas
The Disappearance of Ashley, Kansas is probably symbolic of creepypastas; just concept and nothing else. This concept is begging, literally BEGGING for some killer execution but instead the movie takes the lazy route and doesn't bother to make any semblance of scares. It's so, so boring.

4. Horror House
The town being named Killsville should tell you enough. Horror House is bad. It's like the filmmakers said, "Hey, you know how stupid white people are in horror movies? Well FUCK YOU cause we can make 'em stupider." The characters are dumb, the plot is dumb, the scares are dumb, dumb, dumb, DUMB. I imagine it'll make for plenty of fun for the folks at RiffTrax and nothing else.

3. Horror House 2
I guess while Horror House is laughably bad, Horror House 2 is just "facepalm" bad. I echo my statements about Horror House; not scary, just dumb. Except this sequel is even worse when it comes to plot and character stupidity of highest caliber of the highest order. If doctors are looking for a new form of euthanasia they should show patients Horror House 2 because it kills off more braincells in its runtime than cardiac arrest.

2. Bloodbath Unite
Bloodbath Unite is just miserable to read. It doesn't have a plot, it doesn't really grasp what characters even are, and it's pretty much unredeemable. Like, what the fuck? A perfect analogy is some angsty teenager got mad at their parents and decided to draw a cartoon of himself stabbing them, and then just putting "FUCK YOU DAD FOR TAKING MY LUNCH MONEY" underneath the picture. Just unnecessarily pointless and a total waste of time.

1. The Wanders
Let's get something out of the way first; Hiccup, you're a good writer. I've enjoyed many of your films and this review is no hard feelings.But The Wanders is probably the only film in CAYOM that actually made me shake my head in anger. It's an insult to narrative, an insult to three-act plot structures, and an insult to characterization. Is it like some avant-garde social experiment to see how angry you can make a person?

Let's just start at the beginning; a bunch of college students end up staying in a beach house around Fort Myers when suddenly they start getting haunted by demons. OK, fine, go with the basic supernatural horror premise of a bunch of teenagers in the cabin in isolation being haunted (even though Cabbage Key Island is only just off the coast of Florida). The tension builds up, there's a really good scene with an old witch who tries to exorcise the shit outta the demon. So what happens next after a slightly climactic confrontation between the demons and the students?

"Well, Alpha, glad you asked. It turns out there's this race of ancient astronauts called the Wanders and they created all the life on this planet but then humans turned out to be violent so they created all the world's religions and one of them is voiced by Jim from The Office -" WAIT MOVIE WHAT THE FUCK

OK, let's backtrack, Movie. So this alien race exists, right? Why wasn't there any inference on that? You can't just throw that plot twist of plot twists on us if you don't give us any warning signs whatsoever. You've just opened up discussion for a ton of needless questions that would already be answered if you had given us SOME FUCKING DEVELOPMENT. What's the significance of the demons? Are they a creation of the Wanders? Are they a manifestation of religion? Are they some kind of alien race, and if so, what's their motive? Why do they suddenly disappear from the movie? Why is there no explanation for that? How the hell is this plot twist supposed to make any sense within the context of the rest of the goddamned movie?

Back on track with the story. Alien Jim basically gives Jackson and Tia (aka the audience) some exposition about the Wanders and how they want to destroy the Earth and then populate another planet with a new race of humans, and Jackson and Tia are supposed to be the Adam and Eve. But why? If humans proved to be violent scumbags in the first place, why would you dedicated time and resources to trying to create them all over again? I guess the Wanders ended up answering that question by saying “fuck it, destroy humans” and basically Light-Nuked ® the Earth in what’s likely the biggest cop-out ending ever.

In the end, The Wanders tries to pose a bunch of philosophical questions, but instead it ends up being a frustrating piece of shit with an incoherent story and a plot twist that feels like a slap in the face for anyone expecting answers.

Ugh.