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Alpha's Reviews: Year 8 (TAKE TWO)

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    The Garden - D+


    Makes no sense whatsoever. It's just a poor attempt to create a "magical" and "whimsical" fantasy world. Pass.


    Donuts Are Zombies Too Along With The Dominant Walruses - B+


    I remember reading this movie for the Year 8 CAYOM Festival, and I remember thinking of it as a mental asylum patient's wet dream. Then again, I am a nonsensical human being in real life, so randomness is my thing.


    The Innocent - C


    A film the tries to be deep, but ends up being out of place and boring. It was drag to read, but maybe if more effort was placed into the film's storyline, I may have liked it better.


    My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic – The Rise of Nightmare Rarity - B-


    It's another MLP movie. Not much else to say.


    Behemoth - B-


    The sequel to last year's Leviathan is a good adventure movie, but it's not Oscar fare.


    The Deadline - B+


    It's a great movie that takes a very serious concept and, instead of being a very sappy and over-emotional flick, is a very uplifting dramedy about living life at the fullest when there's not much left. A bittersweet treat, Aaron Taylor-Johnson and Ezra Miller do very well in their respective roles.


    Flappy Bird - C+


    It's a documentary about a game that lasted 2 weeks on the App Store before being pulled down by it's creator. Not much else.

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    I'm not doing anything special for my Top 25 this year, so here's the full list with 10 honorable mentions.


    1. Cinema Studies2. The Academy3. Hand Drawn Heroes4. Resonance5. The Giver6. The Bronx is Burning7. A Love to Die For8. StarCraft: Brood War9. The Deadline10. The Legend of Redwall11. The Guardian of the West12. The Who's Tommy13. Two Way Road14. The Concert's End15. Mushishi16. Freddy vs. Jason vs. Ash17. The Good, The Bad and the Dead18. At the Mountains of Madness19. Stranger in a Strange Land20. Godzilla: Apocalypse - Part 121. Uncharted 2: Among Thieves22. The Dresden Files: Storm Front23. Death Note: The Game Begins24. Paczki sa trupy Zbyt Wraz z Dominujacych Morsów (Donuts Are Zombies Too Along With the Dominant Walruses)25. Killer Computer 2


    HM. ChessmenHM. Flowers for AlgernonHM. Time, Space and One Blue BoxHM. Thomas Was AloneHM. TwinkieHM. Flappy BirdHM. Keg PartyHM. PompeiiHM. Land of No Left TurnsHM. The Most Dangerous Game

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    Because I'm bored, the Top 15 Worst Movies of Year 8.


    15. Simpsons: The Ride


    Believe it or not, this film is based on an actual ride at Universal Studios. It's one of my favorite rides there, but the reason this film is one of my least favorites is because the actual ride experience is only 6 minutes long. And when something is expanded from 6 minutes to 90 minutes, with little things added, you have a slow-mo movie that's boring and derived.


    14. Ice Station 2: Area 7


    It's kinda dumb.


    13. Silent Invasion 3: The Attack


    The film tries to incorporate sci-fi elements, but overall it's really plain.


    12. The Chain


    A horrible rehash of a franchise that's been beaten to death. And Liam Neeson is here for some reason.


    11. Farmville


    A very mind-numbing experience. Not something I would pay $8 for, unless of course I'm buying a DVD that will let me watch it unlimited times instead of one.


    10. The Garden


    Rip-off of Amulet. I know this is coming from me (the creator of Amulet), but comparing it to real life it's the direct-to-video mockbuster of Epic.


    9. The Gold Rare Leaf


    See Farmville.


    8. Spinach Artichoke Dip


    So bad it's good bad. It may have been better if it wasn't just a dumb Michael Bay joke.


    7. We Are the Champions 2: Rise of the Crusaders


    Direct-to-video fodder from me. Yay.


    6. Demon: The Summoning


    A trashy collection of paranormal horror movies. How can you "accidentally" summon a demon, without a Book of the Dead?


    5. Candy Crush


    Everything looks cute and dandy until Vanellope from Wreck-It Ralph shows up. Then it just becomes a shitty fanfiction with a whole array of completely unnecessary characters including Lotso Huggin Bear. It makes you speechless, literally.


    4. Daniel Tosh: New and Improved


    Daniel Tosh is probably one of the worst comedians in recent memory. His "broad" sense of humor involves nothing but racist and sexual punchlines, and that's all this movie is.


    3. Espionage Project: This Time, It's Espersonal


    What. The. Fuck. I thought Michael Bay was demented, but this is nothing but the work of the Antichrist. It really makes me want to become a Christian again because this is obviously the devil's message to humanity.


    2. Horror House


    One of the messiest movies this year. It literally made me barf, but this next one caused the whole theater to be covered in my half-eaten popcorn and almost-digested chocolate milkshake.


    1. Bloodbath Unite


    There is so many things this movie makes me want to say, but there's only one thing that matters now; Bloodbath Unite endorses sadism. Our main protagonists are the biggest sacks of shit in the human race, and they never learn a thing about real moral ethics through all of their bloodshed and S&M-ing. It could contest for the worst movie ever, both in CAYOM and in real life. Films, you crossed the Moral Event Horizion on this one. Good job.

    Edited by Alpha
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    You're lucky that 2 and 5 are getting sequels (but candy crush is getting rid of all those venelope and all that and just including the characters at the start of the movie and the ones in the game)

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    Best Picture


    Most Likely


    The Bronx is Burning

    The Giver



    All of these films are in the Top 3 in the Critical Consensus, and all three have enjoyed some very good rankings and reviews. Therefore, they should make the cut with ease.


    Middle Ground


    Cinema Studies

    Flowers For Algernon

    Hand Drawn Heroes

    The Legend of Redwall



    While the Top 3 should make the cut, all 5 of these have a pretty good chance of filling the final spots. Hand Drawn Heroes and The Legend of Redwall are the least likely to make the cut, since animated films usually aren't nominated for Best Picture. Along with that, Cinema Studies is the least popular of the five. Flowers For Algernon and Mushishi are probably the most likely finishers, but with a little bit of love the other 3 could make it in.


    Dark Horse: A Love To Die For


    It's made some high marks on a few lists, and gotten love from a lot of people. Since this category is pretty packed with prime contenders already, it would be tough for A Love To Die For to get a nod. But anything is possible.


    Possible Winner: The Giver


    Resonance really gets it's love from it high tension and intensity and not much else, so it's a contest between The Bronx is Burning and The Giver. The Bronx is Burning has great clout, which is the reason it's #1 in the Critical Consensus. But according to the same list, The Giver has appeared in the Top 5 on 3 more lists than The Bronx is Burning, which may give it the edge.

    Edited by Alpha
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