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    Conventionally Wiser

    Director: Antoine Fuqua

    Genre: Action

    Date: March 8

    Studio: Blankments Productions and Badass Films

    Cast: Jason Clarke as Joe Harris, Rose Byrne as Nicole Nage, Terrence Howard as Officer Washington, Amber Stevens as Jami Washington, and Clive Owen as Jerry Olsen.

    Music by: Trevor Morris.

    Runtime: 88 min

    Tagline: No Ordinary Police Convention.


    Plot: Joe Harris and Officer Washington to the National Organization of Police Officers in DC two years after the events of the first movie. Washington meets up with his daughter, Jami, but they are both taken as collateral by Jerry Olsen, the brother of the bad guy in the first movie who's out for vengeance. Olsen takes over the police convention trapping everyone inside, and it's up to Harris and a woman officer from Europe, Nicole Nage, to sneak in the convention hall and defeat Olsen. They also fall in love in typical sequel fashion


    Theaters: 3,302

    MPAA Rating: R for strong language and violence throughout.

    Budget: $25 million

    Previous Film Gross: 18.2/57.4/108.5 (OW/DOM/WW)

    Edited by Blankments
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    January 4-6Mine (Horror) (2301 Theaters) (Page 1) LinkSamara (Horror) (3840 Theaters) (Page 1) Link

    Ship of Lies (Thriller) (3081 Theaters) (Page 2) LinkJanuary 11-13

    Alice in Horrorland (Horror) (3558 Theaters) (Page 1) 

    Tortoise Run (Animation) (2800 Theaters) (Page 1) January 18-21 (MLK Weekend)Among the Impostors (Sci-Fi/Thriller) (3843 Theaters) (Page 2) 

    Dystopia, USA (Parody) (3021 Theaters) (Page 2) January 25-27

    Change of Heart (Drama) (3081 Theaters) (Page 2) 

    The Last Six 3-D Re-release (Fantasy) (2431 Theaters) (Page 2) 

    Skyjumper (Drama) (2966 Theaters) (Page 2) 


    February 1-3Numbers Theory (Liam Neeson) (3022 Theaters) (Page 1)Slenderman: The Search (Supernatural Horror) (2599 Theaters) (Page 2)February 8-10Ice Desert (Animation) (3710 Theaters) (Page 1)

    Sweet Disposition (Romance) (2100 Theaters) (Page 2)Walking Alone (Romance/Post-Apocalypse) (3372 Theaters) (Page 1)February 15-18 (President's Day Weekend)

    Thurs. Feb. 14- The Best of You (3301 Theaters) (Page 1)

    Thurs. Feb. 14- The Tudors (Documentary) (Limited- 116 Theaters) (Page 1)

    The Cave (Horror/Adventure) (3242 Theaters) (Page 1)

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    The Tudors (Wide- 1820 Theaters)March 1-3

    If (Animation) (3899 Theaters) (Page 2)

    Legacy of the Joestars: Phantom Blood (Action/Adventure) (3983 Theaters) (Page 1)

    Island of Dreams (Drama) (Limited- 7 Theaters) (Page 1)March 8-10

    Conventionally Wiser (Action) (3302 Theaters) (Page 3)

    Where You Imagine (3432 Theaters) (Page 1)Island of Dreams (Expansion- 45 Theaters)March 15-17

    Black Cat (Action) (3810 Theaters) (Page 2)

    The Thin, the Fat, and the Felon (Western/Comedy) (3793 Theaters) (Page 2)Island of Dreams (Expansion- 175 Theaters)March 22-24Peace at Last (Animation) (4060 Theaters) (Page 1)The Red Pyramid (Fantasy Adventure) (3892 Theaters) (Page 1)Island of Dreams (Expansion- 461 Theaters)March 29-31

    Our Future (Action) (3685 Theaters) (Page 2)

    Island of Dreams (Wide- 1295 Theaters)

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    Director: Justin Lin
    Genre: Racing/Action
    Date: May 3-5
    Cast: Ryan Gosling (Troy Walker), Aaron Paul (Reece Saxon), Michael Caine (Charles Carter), Emily Blunt (Sara Powell), Dakota Johnson (Ramira), Vin Diesel (Connor Farrelly), Jason Statham (Shaw Farrelly), Gary Oldman (General Crone), Iko Uwais (Lun), Jamie Foxx (Caesar), Michelle Rodriguez (Mira), Rosario Dawson (Rivera Wolf), Zoe Bell (Uma Fox), Jeremy Clarkson (Jez), Richard Hammond (Dick), James May (Jim), 


    We begin with an idyllic nature scene. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, a beautiful butterfly flaps gently past the camera… and gets splatted across the windscreen of a race car. The driver, Troy Walker, activates the windscreen wipers and keeps driving. Troy is currently in an intense Gundrive race, an illegal type of race where weapons are allowed. However, you can only use said weapons on your surroundings, not on other cars. After a small accident in the early stretch of the race, Troy is stuck in dead last, but all that’s about to change as he’s beginning to catch up with the rest of the pack. However, the other cars are too tightly packed him to get through. His mechanic, Reese Saxon, tells him there’s a bridge up ahead he can use. The bridge is front of a sloping mountain road leading to the right. Troy pulls out a small rocket launcher, leans out of the window while still driving, and uses it to blow out the side of the bridge before jumping the gap to the mountain road, overtaking much of the pack in one fell swoop, much to the amazement of the commentators. The drivers directly in front of Troy see this stunt and someone in a two-member team uses his own rocket launcher to start hit the side of the mountain wall starting a rockslide. Many of the other cars are buried, but Troy is able to keep his cool and outrun the rockslide, overtaking several other racers in the process.


    The remaining racers move closer to the finish line which is in a city much like Rio with plenty of small box-like houses. The lead racer, Sara Powell, uses a handgun to shoot down a billboard onto the track, block most of the racers. Troy, however, uses a few well placed planks to propel his car onto the rooftops and starting driving there. Thanks to this method, he is able to skip a major turn Sara is forced to follow, allowing him to take the lead. However, as the finish line approaches, he runs out of houses. He attempts to jump back onto the racetrack, but his dismount is off and his car flips and crashes brutally, allowing Sara to win the race. Troy survives mostly unharmed though, although his car is a wreck.


    After the race, Troy meets up with Reece and Ramira, Reece’s girlfriend, at their garage. Ramira, a major gearhead, is annoyed at just how much Troy has smashed up their beautiful car. (“Seriously, is there one piece there that hasn’t been bent or smashed to pieces?” “I think the bumper seemed okay.” *bumper falls off* “…Well, that was just bad timing.”) Reece is unsure whether they’ll be able to fix the car with the little money they have left and, since Troy is banned from most forms of legal professional racing, they’re in trouble. Troy trusts Reece and Ramira will be able to fix it up in time for the next race.


    Shortly after, Troy is resting outside alone when a limousine pulls up outside and Charles Carter steps out. Charles Carter is known as a legend in the racing world, having won several major tournaments before having to retire due to a major crash. However, underground, he is much better known as being the organiser of the Overdrive, the most exclusive and hardcore Gundrive competition on the world, financed by the Fortuna Company, one of the biggest organisations in the world who organise hundreds of underground competitions (including Gundrive). Very few racers are ever selected for Overdrive, even fewer agree to take part due to the incredibly risky terrain the races happen on (last year was on an active volcano) and the winners quickly become the stuff of legend. Charles saw Troy’s most recent race and was impressed. Troy comments that he didn’t win, but Charles says that’s not important. The Overdrive is not a race of winners but of drivers willing to push the limits of their machines. And that’s what Charles believes Troy can do and that, if he wants, a place is open for him in the Overdrive. Troy is stunned and asks where the Overdrive is taking place this year. Charles smiles.


    We cut to a news broadcast covering a press conference in Armiria, an unstable third-world  country ruled over by a cruel and vicious dictator, General Crone. General Crone announces to the reporters that he has received news that the Overdrive race has been scheduled to take place in his country, despite Crone’s insistence on it not. As a result, Crone has passed a law banning Overdrive racers from the country, under pain of death, and that Crone intends to use every military resource at his disposal to enforce this. Reece switches off the tv and tells Troy that he’s fucking insane. Troy is still insistent on taking part and that it’s an opportunity he’ll never get again. Ramira points out that he’ll almost certainly die. (“Troy: “We’ll see.” “Yeah, don't try to act cool. You're going to die.”). At that moment, a helicopter appears over head to take them and their car (which Reece and Ramira have fixed up with money given to them by the Overdrive corporation) to the preparation area.


    They arrive at the preparation area, in a country neighbouring Armiria, where the other racers have already arrived. Reece & Ramira quickly form a rivalry with Connor and Shaw Farrelly, a two brother racing/mechanic team (despite looking absolutely nothing like brothers.) Meanwhile, Troy runs into Sara Powell, the winner of the intro race. She’s surprised he qualified for the race (and that he’s not currently stuck in a hospital drinking food through a straw.) He asks if she’s willing to show him around. She’s not. Another racer, Lun, offers to show him around instead. (Troy: “You’re not nearly as attractive, but sure whatever.”) The racers they meet include Caesar, a cocky driver who works as a gun-for-hire in his spare time, a two-girl team named the Wildcats (Rivera Wolf and Uma Fox (Troy: “Wolf and Fox? But neither of those are even cats…”)) and a bumbling three-man team of racing veterans nicknamed the Stooges (Jez, Rick and Jim) who generally provide comedy by regularly fucking up in the same way they do in Top Gear. The next garage they arrive at is empty. Lun tells Troy that the garage belongs to a mysterious racer named King, who always wears a helmet to hide his identity. King has won the last 5 Overdrive races with nary a scratch. The next garage they visit happens to belong to Mira, another racer and ex-girlfriend of Troy’s. The two don’t exactly get along (She flings a wrench at his head) and Troy decides to make a hasty retreat.


    Meanwhile, in Armiria, General Crone is preparing his forces to slaughter the Overdrive racers. He is visited in his office by two mercenaries, Drake and Wedge who offer to provide their services to stop the Overdrive racers for a very high price. Crone laughs them off assuming his men can easily handle the racers. At that moment, several EMPs and explosives, placed by agents working for Fortuna, are set off in military bases across Armiria, wiping out their air force entirely and severely crippling their artillery. Only ground troops and vehicles are left. Crone decides to reconsider Drake and Wedge’s offer. Back at the Overdrive preparation area, we get several scenes, mostly either comedic or showing off the cars, where we get to know the racers better. We also get to see King, a silent, enigmatic figure who shows his face, never answers to anyone but, as shown during practice, is an incredible driver and shooter. Troy also has some romantic moments with Sara where the two get to know each other better. Sara was born in the gutter, the lowest of the low, and had to scrounge for whatever she could to build her race cars. Troy was once an up-and-coming racer who could have made a real name for himself legitimately. However, his manager tried to force him to throw a race. When he refused and punched his manager in the face, he was banned from legitimate racing and forced to turn to more illegal street races like Gundrive. As for his past with Mira… you really don’t want to know. The two become much closer but, on the day the race starts, Sara deliberately acts distant, not wanting her feelings for Troy to interfere in the race.


    The cars are loaded onto a huge helicarrier to be dropped off on Armirian soil. However, a missile fired by Crone is detected and the cars are forced to drive off the carrier while it’s still in midair (leading to much screaming from the Stooges). Troy’s car is the last to leave and makes it just in time as the carrier is blown up. The race has begun. For the first stretch of the race, the racers must make their way across desert plains. At the head of the pack, The Farrelly bros and Caesar team up to try and take out King by firing rockets and smoke bombs into his path, designed to make him lose control. However, King manages to outmanoeuvre them with ease, even using the shockwave from a rocket to propel and flip his car over a small dune before landing perfectly. In the middle of the pack, Sara is stuck in a dead heat with Lun with the Stooges close behind. Lun tries to force her into crashing into a dun, forcing her to break and for Lun to get ahead. The Stooges, meanwhile, are trying to shoot a rocket launcher at the two but Dick manages to accidentally fire it the wrong way. Meanwhile, at the back of the pack, Troy, who is in last, has to deal with the Wildcats and Mira, both of whom have agreed to team up, on the condition that the Wildcats help Mira to try and get Troy killed. Luckily, the rocket the Stooges accidentally shot at her, forces her off the road and lets Troy get a relatively safe distance.


    Up ahead, a military checkpoint has been created to stop the racers. Drake and Wedge are a part of it but, to their annoyance, they’ve been told to simply stand back and watch by Armiria’s military officers who they consider idiots at best. Unsurprisingly, King and the other racers manage to blast several holes in the checkpoint and, with the use of smoke and tear gas bombs, they all make it through easily much to Drake + Wedge’s amusement. Dismayed at how easily his checkpoint was blown through, Crone gives Drake and Wedge permission to give chase.


    The second stage of the race takes place in a mostly evacuated city with lots of tall buildings to be blown up. Crone’s men give chase through the city in military jeeps but are pretty easily outmatched and manoeuvred by the racers. However, things change when Drake and Wedge both turn up driving tanks. With the two being much more skilled drivers and having little-to-no concern for collateral damage, plowing through buildings, etc, the racers are put under a much more serious threat. Caesar is driven off the road by Drake and crashes. As he’s about to be arrested and killed by Crone’s men, Lun intervenes, causing enough chaos for Caesar to get back in his car and rejoin the race. Next Wedge attacks the Farrelly bros. Shaw opens to the door to try and shoot him with a rocket. However he gets knocked out leading to some exciting, cling to outside of car action. Meanwhile, Mira and the Wildcats have taken advantage of the chaos caused by Drake and Wedge and moved to the front of the pack. Using rocket launchers, they try and collapse a building on King, but the driver narrowly makes it out. Meanwhile, Drake has decided to target Troy and Sara and chases them across the city. Their attempts to lose him down narrow alleys doesn’t work as he just plows on through anyway, and the tank shrugs off any damage from rockets. Reece and Ramira come up with a plan to flood a small section of the city to stop him, but it will require both of them and for one person to act as bait. Troy agrees to be the bait and lures Drake down to a lower level of the city. Sara, meanwhile, blows up a water main causing a wave of water to flood the lower street. However, before the water hits Troy, Sara shoots down a signboard, allowing Troy to use said signboard as a ramp to reach higher ground. We see Drake swim out of the flooded street and speaks into his radio that he needs ‘another goddamn tank’. Meanwhile, the Stooges are lost in traffic.


    In the next leg of the race, a dust plain, Reece and Ramira warn Troy that they’re entering the range of Armiria’s only surviving artillery and that they’ll be coming under heavy fire. Crone fires everything he has at the racers. Lun’s car is hit but the racer manages to bail out seconds before the hit. Just as Lun is about to be hit by another missile, Caesar manages to grab him and pull him into his car claiming ‘Caesar pays his debts’. The back of Sara’s car is the next to be hit, causing her car to flip and crash. Troy stops to try and get her out of her car despite her pleas for him to go one without her. Mira sees this and realises she has her chance to take out Troy. However, the Wildcats are hit and Mira is left with a choice either to rescue them or take her revenge on Troy. She goes for the former. At the military camp where the artillery is held, Crone orders another barrage intending to take out the racers once and for all. However, his plans are ruined by the Stooges who, badly lost and being chased by Drake and Wedge, accidentally drive into the camp. Between a comedic mishap with a grenade and Drake and Wedge’s general disregard for collateral damage, the artillery is all destroyed.


    The final stretch of the race begins on a long road to Armiria’s border. Crone, furious, orders pretty much every military jeep in his army to chase them, along with himself,  Drake and Wedge. The  five remaining cars (the Stooges have gotten lost) race epicly, constantly switching positions and firing rockets, smoke bombs, pistols and etc at each other while avoiding Drake and Wedge (who lead the pack of soldiers). The Farrelly bros and Caesar + Lun manage to take out Wedge and Drake respectively causing them to crash into the military jeeps causing a massive pile-up (including Crone’s car). Meanwhile Troy and Sara manage to make their way past Mira and the Wildcats (who make one last attempt to beat them) and up the group until they’re in second place behind King. However, every time they try to get past him, he blocks them. As the finish line is in sight, Troy has a plan to get ahead. They fire a rocket directly into their own path and use the explosion to propel themselves over King’s car. Sara points out that that is a ridiculous plan that is incredibly likely to get them killed and that they’d have to be incredibly lucky to pull it off. And then agrees to try it. Just as the King is about to cross the finish line, Sara fires a rocket into their path and launches them over just as they’re crossing the finish line, beating king by inches. Admittedly, they don’t pull off the landing quite as well but they’ve still won to their joy. The other racers cross the finish line soon after and celebrations begin. The other racers congratulate Troy and Sara, even Mira who agrees to stop trying to take revenge on Troy. (Sara: “You know, you never told why she hates you so much.” Troy: “Believe me, you’re better off not knowing.”) Reece and Ramira arrive and switch between congratulating Troy and freaking out over the damage done to the car. King gives Troy and Sara a silent handshake before driving off. Suddenly, Drake and Wedge arrive. However, before the other racers freak out, they reveal that they’ve been working for the Fortuna Company the entire time, working to sabotage Crone’s efforts. They were only attacking the Overdrive to keep up appearances. That and because it’s fun. Charles Carter arrives and congratulates the two commenting that it’s one of the more spectacular Overdrive races he’s ever seen. However, Charles does point out that they started the race as different racers and thus only one of them can be the winner. He asks how they’d like to decide the winner. Troy and Sara smile at each other. We immediately cut to the two in cars ready to race. The other racers sidle up to join in. Troy smiles at the camera and, as the starting gun goes off, puts his foot on the accelerator.


    There is a post credit scene with Charles Carter talking with someone on the phone. We see King’s helmet on his desk, hinting that Charles and King are the same person. Charles comments on how much of a success this year's Overdrive was and that no-one died. Although the Stooges are still missing. There is a brief cut to the the Stooges, who are still incredibly lost, trying to get past a herd of cows. The person on the phone (played by Charles Dance) comments that since the Overdrive race destabilised the Armirian military, General Crone was deposed and replaced with a more beneficial ruler. Crone is still in hiding though. We cut to Crone standing at the side of a road, looking incredibly haggard and desperately trying to hitchhike. As one car splatters him with dust he mutters how he hates cars. Charles is wondering exactly how he’s going to be able to top this Overdrive next time. The person on the phone comments that he has some ideas but instead needs to talk about something much more pressing. A secure room in the Fortuna Company was recently broken into. We cut to a steel door with the words ‘Fortuna Information Storage. Lun creeps up to it and manages to trick the security systems into opening the door. Inside are hundreds and hundreds of files. We zoom in on some of the file labels like ‘Gundrive’, ‘Overdrive’, ‘Stratagem’, ‘Clean Sweep’ and ‘Project Ascension.’ Back to the phone call, Charles asks what information was taken. The person on the phone is silent. Back in the security room, we see Lun searching through the files until he finds one with the label ‘Run & Gun’. He opens the file to find a picture of Jacob Beecham. The screen goes black and these words appear.


    This story will continue in Run & Gun 2. Coming Y10.


    Fortune Calls.

    Theaters: 3967
    MPAA Rating: PG-13
    Budget: $95mil

    Edited by Rukaio Alter
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    Fate Stay Night


    Director: Bryan Singer
    Genre: Urban Fantasy
    Date: June 14-16
    Cast: Jake Gyllenhaal (Sam), Ellen Page (Rachel), Keira Knightley (Saber), Aaron Eckhart (Archer), Colin Farrell (Lancer), Vin Diesel (Voice of Berserker), Paul Dano (Pete), Oka Antawa (Assassin), Bill Paxton (Kotomine), Sam Rockwell (Gilgamesh), Rory McKann (Mr Jasons), Eva Green (Caster), Sophie Turner (Sarah), Mackensie Foy (Ilyasviel von Einzberg), Jamie Alexander (Rider)



    We begin with a shot of Rachel Tohsaka standing on a tall skyscraper at night, overlooking a bustling city. She comments that the ‘obscuration charm’ is complete. Below, standing on a rooftop, a man dressed in red and black, Archer, says that he’s received her message. Two swords appear from nowhere in his hand. Suddenly, he hears a sound behind him. He turns and flings one of his swords behind him only for it to be blocked by a man in blue, carrying a great red spear. The man introduces himself as Lancer and charges. The two fight all across the city, leaping from rooftop to rooftop with more speed and jumping ability than any normal man can manage. Lancer uses lightning fast thrusts with his spear that Archer is barely able to block. Archer constantly flings his swords at Lancer, when not in close combat before summoning different ones to his hand. Eventually, their fight leads to an empty park where they engage in heavy close combat. Suddenly, their fight is broken up by a large petrol truck being flung at them. They barely manage to avoid it before it blows up in a fiery explosion. Archer is knocked back by said explosion. When he gets up, he sees a huge hulk of a figure, Berserker, walking through the flames towards him. Archer mutters how this is not his day, before summoning another sword as Berserker lets out an inhuman roar (think a more human Godzilla roar) and charges Archer. Just as the two clash, we jump to black


    We see several blurry unclear images from some sort of medieval world, including the coronation of a young woman and a huge battle. Most of the dialogue is blurred and unclear but the words ‘Altria’ and ‘Avalon’ can be heard. The young woman fights a knight in black and is stabbed. Just as she is, we cut to Sam Murphy waking up with a jump in his bed. He sits up, wide-eyed, panting heavily until he realises nothing’s wrong and it was just a dream. Then he hears the fire alarm beeping. He goes into the smokey kitchen to find his guardian Tara Grady attacking a smoking toaster with a broom. A young woman about Sam’s age, Sophie Mato, looks on slightly panicked. Sam is a college student, studying at the same college that Tara teaches at (where she’s nicknamed the ‘Tigeress’ much to her annoyance). Sam’s father, Kiefer Murphy passed away from illness several years previously and, Tara, an old friend of his, agreed to look after Sam (although the house is technically Sam’s). Admittedly, Sam is more of a mature adult than Tara is, but they get along well anyway. Sophie Maitio is a shy, quiet girl who regularly joins the two of them for breakfast after Sam saved her from being assaulted one day.


    Tara notices Sam’s awake and comments that he overslept. Sophie notices Sam looks oddly weary and asks if he’s been having nightmares again. When Sam was a very young child, he was caught in a massive gas explosion that destroyed several houses and killed nearly 50 people. He was the only survivor but has no memory of his life before the explosion. Kiefer found him while searching through the rubble and adopted him as his own. However, he still has nightmares about that night. Sam comments that he’s fine and asks what the hell Tara has done to the toaster. Tara admits she may have gotten ‘a little carried away’ with the broom and asks Sam to fix it. Sam comments that it’ll be difficult but he’ll give it a try. He takes it into a back room where he carries out his repairs. He shuts his eyes, says the words ‘Trace On’ and when he opens them, the toaster is fully repairs. Sam comments, via narration, that he’s been able to do that ever since he was very young. Once he managed to transform a sword into a mop. He has no idea where the power came from but his father told him never to tell anyone about it. He carries the fixed toaster back into the kitchen where Tara and Sophie are watching the TV which is talking about the explosion caused by Archer and Berserker last night.


    Shortly after, Sam and Sophie head to college. As they arrive, they see Rachel, who is one of the classmates, walking around the ground. When Sam asks if she’s lost something, Rachel blows him off. After Sophie leaves, Sam is confronted by Peter Mato, Sophie’s older brother and a bit of a dick. He tells Sam to stop letting Sophie come over to his house every morning. Sam tells Peter that it’s none of his business what Sophie does and Peter angrily stalks away. Later that day, Sam is eating lunch outside with Sophie and some friends when he sees Rachel being harassed by some bullies (although she doesn’t seem very bothered by it). Sophie and his friends tell him to just fetch a teacher, but Sam insists on confronting the bullies himself. A fight breaks out between them (during which Rachel slips away). While Sam is able to hold his own at first, he soon overwhelmed by the superior numbers and receives a heavy beating until Mr Jacobs, a teacher, breaks up the fight. Mr Jacobs takes Sam to the nurses’s office where Tara, who also works as a teacher, is waiting and waves off the nurses, claiming Sam ‘heals fast’. Tara lectures Sam about getting into another fight. It is revealed that this is the fifth fight Sam has gotten into since attending college, always in the defence of others. She tells him that his adopted father was much like he was, always putting his life on the line to save and protect others, but he at least put some thought into his actions instead of charging in headfirst. Sam apologises for not thinking clearly. In a tender moment, Tara admits she’s not mad at him but worried, thinking he may end up being killed or seriously injured some day because of his hero complex. Meanwhile, Mr Jacobs receives a phonecall from someone. Shortly after, a student is wheeled into the nurses’s office having inexplicably fainted.


    Several hours later, after everyone has gone home and darkness has begun to fall, Rachel sneaks back onto campus. She calls Archer (who appears behind her) and tells him she’s found the ‘source of the spell.’ She draws a jewel from her pocket and mutters some magic words. A sinister red magic circle appears from the ground. More lines begin to appear from it which stretch around the campus grounds. Suddenly, Rachel is interrupted by Archer yanking her back just in time to dodge the flagpole thrown at her. Lancer appears, intent on finishing what he and Archer started last night. Archer tells Rachel to finish her work while he holds Lancer off. A fight between the two begins, much more close combat than the last, but equally thrilling. Meanwhile, Sam is still on campus, having been ordered to clean up the college gymnasium as a punishment for fighting (after an already late-in-the-day session with his Archery Club). He hears the fighting and heads outside to see Archer throw Lancer into the gymnasium wall with incredible strength. Lancer climbs out, seemingly unharmed, and spots Sam watching. He calls a brief ceasefire with Archer, reminding him of one of the biggest rules of the ‘Holy Grail War’. Any witnesses to a fight between Servants must be killed.


    Upon hearing this, Sam immediately takes off running. Lancer chases him through the school building before stabbing him in the chest with his lance. Lancer pulls his lance out and sincerely apologises to Sam for having to kill him. But at least Sam’s death was quick as the Gae Bolg (Lancer’s lance) never misses the heart. Lancer leaves to resume his fight with Archer, leaving Sam’s corpse behind. Suddenly, Rachel appears, obviously upset about Sam’s death, claiming she didn’t want anyone innocent to be killed in this fight. Suddenly she has a thought and fishes a large red ruby out of her pocket. She holds it over Sam’s body and begins to speak some magic words. Suddenly, Sam’s wounds begin to heal and he awakens, coughing. Rachel sighs in relief. However, suddenly, Archer is flung through the corridor walls. Lancer steps in after him and notices Sam and Rachel. Annoyed that he has to silence the same witness twice, Lancer moves forward to kill Sam and Rachel. Suddenly, a strange tattoo appears on the back of Sam’s hand and a magic circle appears on the ground beneath him. From the circle emerges a young woman dressed in armour and wielding a sword with an invisible blade. It is the woman from Sam’s dream. The woman charges at Lancer and knocks him back several feet with a single blow from her sword. Lancer attacks her with his lance which she manages to deflect with relative ease. Suddenly, Lancer is called away by an unseen presence. Once he is gone, the woman turns to Sam, introduces herself as Saber and asks whether he was the one who summoned her. Rachel gasps and exclaims that Sam must be the Seventh Master of the Holy Grail Wars, much to his confusion.


    Suddenly, Archer, still somewhat groggy from his fight with Lancer, appears. Instantly, Saber attacks him, injuring him badly, before turning on Rachel. Before Saber can stab Rachel, Sam tells her to stop. As he does, a small section of the tattoo on his hand disappears and Saber stops automatically before sheathing her sword. Rachel thanks Sam for sparing her life. However, Sam is still incredibly confused about everything going on. Rachel agrees to take him to ‘the priest’ who will explain things for him. The two, accompanied by Saber and a still wounded Archer, head to a small nearby church. Saber and Archer are left outside while Sam is introduced to the pastor of the church, a cheerful but sinister man named Kotomine who agrees to explain to Sam about the Holy Grail Wars. The Grail Wars were established centuries ago by three ancient Magus Families, the Tohsakas, the Matos and the Einzberns who together discovered a way to gain access to the legendary Holy Grail which could grant them any wish. The current war is the Fifth incarnation of that battle.  For every war, seven Magus ‘Masters’ are chosen by the Grail to do battle. They do this by each summoning a Servant (as either a Saber, Archer, Lancer, Rider, Caster, Berserker or Assassin), a Legendary figure from history armed with their own unique ‘Noble Phantasms’ (special weapons), to act as a familiar, fuelled by the Master’s own prana (magical power). If a Servant’s Master is killed, the Servant itself soon vanishes (unless they make a pact with another Master). If a Master/Servant pair manage to slay all six other Servants (killing the Masters is optional) they will be allowed access to the Holy Grail and will both be allowed to make a wish. As such, Servants tend to follow the wishes of their Masters to help them both win the prize but, if they don’t, a Master can force a Servant to follow an order by use of a Command Seal (as Sam did to stop Saber killing Rachel). However, each Master only has a limited number of Command Seals (which are represented by the tattoos on the back of their hand). Command Seals can also be used to teleport a Servant to their Master’s location.


    Sam asks what Kotomine’s role in this whole thing is. Kotomine explains that he is a neutral figure in the wars whose job is to oversee the games and make sure the rules are followed (which ban anything that could reveal the existence of the Grail Wars to outsiders) and that Servant-less Masters are given asylum if they ask for it. Sam asks if there’s any way to opt out of the war. Kotomine admits that there is but it may not necessarily guarantee his safety, especially considering how close Sam’s destiny is linked to the Wars. Sam asks what he means. Kotomine explains that, in the last Grail War, the winning Master chose (for reasons unknown) to try and destroy the Grail rather than use it. This caused a massive explosion killing nearly 50 innocent people. The same explosion that Sam was caught in as a child and lost his memories from. Sam is stunned at this realisation.


    Meanwhile, outside, Saber and Archer are both standing guard. Archer, a bit of a sarcastic wisecrack, tries to make small talk. Saber, very much a stoic, ignores him. Suddenly, they are approached by a young, white-haired girl. Saber asks if the girl is lost. Archer warns Saber to keep away. That’s no normal girl. Suddenly, Berserker leaps from the bushes and attacks them. Sam and Rachel hear the commotion and dash outside to find Saber and Archer in combat with Berserker. However, their weapons are unable to break through his rock-hard skin. The white-haired girl introduces herself as Illyasviel von Einzberg, the sadistic Master of Berserker. It quickly becomes clear that Saber and Archer are outmatched (especially as Archer is still injured) and Rachel suggests they retreat. Suddenly, Saber is taken off guard by one of Berserker’s attack and is left wide open. Sam dashes in to defend her with a broom transfigured into a cheap swords, despite both Saber and Rachel’s protestations. The latter tells Archer to rescue Sam, but the Servant doesn’t move. Sam is easily disarmed by Berserker and stabbed by the Servant’s massive blade. Everything goes dark.


    We suddenly cut to a dream-like flashback of a great battle between two medieval armies many years in the past. Saber stands at the helm of one army in full armour. One of her knights advises her not to take part in the battle as ‘Avalon is still lost’. Saber comments that her country is in chaos because of her actions and that it is her duty to do everything she can to right it. Suddenly, Saber orders her troops to join the battle and they charge towards the enemy forces. Just as Saber is about to drawn her sword (which is never directly shown onscreen), Sam suddenly wakes in his bed. Seeing he is completely unharmed, he assumes the events of last night were all just a dream. Then he turns to find Saber lying naked in his bed and staring at him. From downstairs, Tara and Rachel (who are preparing breakfast) hear Sam’s screams. Sam rushes downstairs in a panic and Rachel, obviously trying to keep up the masquerade in front of Tara, asks if he stubbed his toe while also thanking him for letting her and her ‘uncle’ (Archer) stay over last ngiht after they missed their bus home. Sam is still somewhat speechless after finding Saber in his bed, so Rachel pushes him into another room , outside a confused Tara’s audio range, so she can explain things to her. After he was stabbed by Berserker, Saber, Rachel and Archer managed to escape with Sam’s body back to his house where Rachel managed (to her own surprise) to heal him completely. Rachel explains that, between Archer still being wounded from Saber’s attack and Sam being incredibly unexperienced in the way of magic, neither of them have a chance on their own and suggests they team up to win the Grail Wars. That is, if Sam still wants to be a part of the War. Sam thinks a moment before deciding, to stop something like the explosion that nearly killed him as a child from happening again, that he will team up with Rachel to win the war.


    At that moment Saber, now dressed in casual clothes, comes down the stairs. At the same time, Rachel is called away by Tara (who’s set something on fire by accident). Sam, obviously nervous, asks what Saber was doing in his bed. Saber explains that, in order for the healing to take properly Sam needed to be kept warm. Keeping him warm through body heat seemed the most sensible option in addition to allowing Saber to make sure Sam was kept close and safe from any enemy attacks. Sam is still uncomfortable about this and insists Saber sleep in another room the next night. Saber objects to this as it is her job to keep him safe. Saber asks Sam why he leapt out to fight Berserker last night. Sam comments that it didn’t feel right letting Saber get hurt for his sake. Saber admonishes for his foolishness, reminding him that she’s much more capable a fighter than he is and tells him to stay out of the action next time.


    Tara has to leave for a few days to go to a teacher’s meeting and Sophie’s called to say she’s sick and staying home so Sam, Rachel and the Servants have the house to themselves to discuss tactics. Rachel explains what she already knows about the other Servants/Masters. After hearing the name of Lancer’s spear, Gae Bolg, she worked out Lancer’s true identity as that of Cu Chulainn, the Irish folk hero. However, his master’s identity and whereabouts remain a mystery. Sam asks about the other servant who attacked them last night, Berserker and the little girl who was with him. Rachel admits she’s unsure of Berserker’s true identity but his master, Illya, is a member of the Einzberns, a powerful Magus family who have taken part in the wars many times before and specialise in creating homunculi, artificial humans. Rachel believes Illya is a homunculi as well. Sam asks whether Rachel is sure that Illya isn’t really human. Rachel admits she isn’t and Sam says he’s not comfortable killing a little girl. Archer interrupts to remind Rachel about Asculum Temple. Sam recognises the name as an old temple on the edge of the city. Rachel explains that she managed to track magical energies back to the Temple, but at the entrance, she and Archer were attacked by a Servant in Japanese garb, Assassin (which we see in flashback). Assassin willingly reveals his identity as Kojiro Sasaki, the rival to the legendary Japanese hero Miyamoto Musashi and fiercely attacks the two. However, as soon as they leave the temple entrance, Assassin is unable to follow. Rachel explains that Assassin seems to be bound to the Asculum Temple grounds for some reason and that they should be safe from attacks by him. Sam, upon hearing of Assassin’s true identity asks what the true identities of Archer and Saber are. Both servants refuse to comment. Rachel explains that servants prefer to keep their identities a secret to avoid giving away their powers and weaknesses.


    Sam asks Rachel what she was doing on school grounds last night and Rachel explains that she’d discovered a powerful magic circle being constructed around the school. If activated, it would drain the prana from anyone inside, giving a Servant a massive power boost but killing those it drains from. Whoever constructed it must not only be a Master but also be either a teacher or student to have the kind of access to the school necessary to build such a circle. Rachel was attempting to dismantle it last night when Lancer attacked. She suggests they try the same again tonight. In the meantime, Rachel attempts to train an unwilling and somewhat bored Sam to use his magic better. She tells Sam that he specialises in the power of Projection, being able to create matter from nothing (like how he managed to create the broken toaster parts at the beginning of the film). However, objects created by Projection tend to be weaker than the actual thing. She explains that Archer has a similar ability, Tracing, which allows him to accurately project the Legendary Swords of other heroes. However, when asked to teach Sam, Archer refuses. Annoyed, Rachel drags him into another room to confront him on both his general sourness towards Sam and his willingness to let him get killed. Archer enigmatically comments that Sam reminds him of someone he used to know and refuses to say anything more. Rachel isn’t happy but agrees to drop the subject. However, when they reenter, Sam is nowhere to be seen, having snuck out earlier to pick up some groceries.


    While on his way back with his shopping, Sam spots Illya in a nearby park. Illya threatens to sic Berserker on him, but Sam claims he just wants to talk peacefully. The two chat on a park bench and we get to learn more about Illya as Sam attempts to befriend her. Illya is indeed a homunculus, one specifically designed to act a physical vessel for the Holy Grail, and acts and speaks like someone much older than she should. However, she still has some childish aspects, like an adoration of ice cream and a willingness to throw temper tantrums if she doesn’t get her way. Sam notices it’s getting late and decides to head back but Illya isn’t willing to let him go so easily and summons Berserker to try and take him prisoner to lure his Servant/friends in (and because she’s taken an personal interest in him). Luckily, Saber turns up just in time and, rather than start a fight a public place, Illya and Berserker retreat. Saber lambasts Sam for being foolish enough to wander off on his own and reminds him that, as his Servant it’s her duty to protect him and that she won’t allow Sam to jeopardise her wish like Kiefer Murphy did. Sam is shocked at the mention of his father’s name and Saber reveals that she fought in the Fourth Grail War under the control of Kiefer. However, while she was duelling (and losing to) the final remaining Servant, an Archer-class with golden armour, Kiefer, using a Command Seal, forced her to destroy the semi-formed Grail, causing the explosion that Sam lost his memory in. Sam is shocked to the core at this revelation.


    Later that night, Sam, Rachel and the Servants sneak onto school grounds. Rachel notices that Sam seems somewhat off and asks if anything’s wrong. Sam tells her it’s nothing. The party splits up, Rachel and Archer going to dismantle the circle while Sam and Saber patrol the grounds. Needing to get away from Saber, Sam goes to the school roof alone, promising to summon Saber via command seal if he gets in trouble. However, up there, he runs into Peter Mato who traps him in a small magic circle stopping him from summoning Saber. Saber herself is attacked by Rider, Peter’s servant, an acrobatic blindfolded woman who attacks and swings around with chains. Due to magic circle disrupting the connection between her and Sam, Saber is weaker than usual and quickly becomes outmatched by Rider. Sam tells Peter that he’s not alone and that Rachel and Archer will stop him. Peter laughs and reveals that he’s merely keeping Sam and Saber busy. After all, Sam and Rachel aren’t the only ones who can form alliances. Inside the school, Rachel is trying to dismantle the magic circle when she and Archer are attacked by Mr Jacobs and his Servant Caster, whose true identity is the sorceress Medea (who helped Jason and the Argonauts retrieve the Golden Fleece), the ones who created the magic draining circle. Caster easily overpowers Rachel magically and begins to drain her prana. Archer tries to intervene but can’t get past Mr Jacobs who, as well as being an experienced martial artist, has had Caster magically enhance his toughness so he can go toe to toe with a Servant. Things look desperate and Peter taunts Sam, revealing to him that they tested the power of the magical circle on Sophie as a punishment for her disobeying him. This pisses Sam off to such a degree that he’s able to break free of his confinement and punch Peter in the face. With nothing blocking the connection between her and Sam, Saber is immediately able to get the upper hand against Rider. In a desperate attempt to snatch victory, Rider summons her steed and Noble Phantasm, a Pegasus, and charges Saber and Sam. In response, Saber is forced to dispel the invisibility around her sword to unleash her own Noble Phantasm, revealing her sword to be Excalibur and Saber’s true identity to be King Arthur. With it she easily slays Rider but the effort leaves her drained of prana.


    Sam and a heavily weakened Saber head into the school to help Rachel and Archer but are quickly rendered helpless by Caster’s spells. There seems to be nothing to stop Caster draining them all of prana and killing them. However, at that moment, Illya and Berserker smash through the walls, having followed Sam’s group (and having already murdered a fleeing Peter). Caster recognises Berserker as the legendary Greek hero Heracles (Hercules) and, after several powerful attack spells seemingly have no effect on him, decides to retreat with Jacobs. Leaving Sam and his group to face the powerful Servant alone. Rachel, recognising that they can’t outrun Berserker and Saber is too weak to fight, orders Archer with a Command Seal to fight Berserker long enough for the others to escape, recognising that Archer likely won’t survive. Archer accepts this. Archer summons a sword, Caliburn, to his hand and shows it to Sam telling him to remember its pattern well. The Servant then leaves to fight Berserker, summoning two swords to his hand with the words ‘Trace On’, hinting that he may be a future version of Sam. Archer and Berserker fight. Despite the massive difference in strength and Berserker’s stone-like skin, Archer is able to use his agility and manoeuvrability to deal a fatal blow to Berserker. However, to his surprise, Berserker immediately recovers. Archer manages to deal several more fatal blows, Berserker recovering from each, before finally being killed.


    Sam, Rachel and the exhausted Saber manage to escape to nearby abandoned park but Rachel warns that Berserker will be close on their trail and goes to prepare an ambush leaving Sam to care for Saber. Sam asks about the sword he saw, Excalibur, and Saber reveals a little about her past life. Her true name is Altria Pendragon and was raised from a young age as a man so she could become the future King of Britain. She was raised from birth to become the perfect king and received from the Lady in the Lake the legendary sword Excalibur and its sheath Avalon, enchanted so that its wielder could never die in battle. However, towards the end of her life her kingdom began to collapse into chaos thanks to the affair between Guinevere (who Altria married for political reasons) and Lancelot and machinations of Mordred. Altria was set to battle Mordred at the battle of Camlann but, before the battle started, Avalon was stolen. Altria insisted on going into battle anyway and was mortally wounded. Altria died believing her rule threw her country into chaos and her biggest wish, should she receive the grail is to erase her own rule. Sam apologises for having misjudged her, believing she cared more about herself and her wish than other peoples and holds her hand. Saber feels rejuvenated at this. At that moment, Berserker arrives. Saber, while still too tired, moves to confront Berserker to give Sam time to run away. Sam insists on fighting by her side. However, while the two are distracting Berserker, Rachel springs her trap and with a powerful magic spell manages to decapitate the Servant. However, Berserker once more recovers. Illya reveals that Berserker’s Noble Phantasm, God Hand, gives him 12 lives, one for every legendary task he completed. Until those lives are exhausted he can’t be killed (although he’s already lost 10 due to Caster, Archer and Rachel). She then orders Berserker to kill Sam and Saber. However Sam, remembering Archer’s words, manages to successfully project the sword Caliburn and give it to Saber who manages to kill Berserker the remaining two times.


    The exhausted party arrive back home. However, Illya is unsure what to do after her Servant’s death (since the Einzbern family are unlikely to accept her back). Rachel suggests she goes to Kotomine for shelter and Sam offers to let her stay at his house once the war is over, much to her joy. Shortly after Illya leaves, Sam decides to take a nap. He has several visions of Saber’s past again before, suddenly, his dreams are interrupted by a vision of Sophie who is visibly in pain. Caster appears and reveals she’s communicating with Sam via his dreams. She reveals that, as a sign of goodwill, Peter gave his sister to Caster as a prana source (since Sophie has an even higher amount of prana than Peter does) and that if Sam wants to see Sophie alive again, he must come alone to Asculum Temple (where Caster and Jacobs live). While Rachel is distracted, Sam sneaks out of the house but is caught by Saber who asks where he’s going. Sam explains the situation to her and Saber insists he not go pointing out that it’s an obvious trap and that Caster will not let Sophie go. Sam says he’s going to go anyway and Saber insists on coming with him. Sam, remembering Caster’s instructions to come alone and unwilling to put the still injured Saber though any more harm, orders Saber via Command Seal to stay behind, much to her frustration.


    At the temple gate, Assassin (who had been summoned in an incomplete fashion by Caster (explaining his need to stay at the gate)) is told by Caster via psychic connection that Sam is on his way and to let him through. After acknowledging, Assassin suddenly senses another presence. Before he can react, he is skewered by several swords flung through his chest. His killer (who remains unseen) calmly walks past his corpse as it disappears. Sam arrives at the Temple shortly after. He is confronted at the gate by Lancer who asks where Saber is, wanting to fight her. He sounds disappointed that she’s not coming and leaves. Sam arrives at the temple building to find Caster and Jacobs in battle with Assassin’s killer, a knight in golden armour. The golden knight is easily shrugging off Caster’s strongest attacks and firing swords out of nowhere at them which they can barely dodge or defend against. In the midst of the battlefield, Sam finds a catatonic Sophie and tries to get her out but his exit is blocked by Lancer who is working with the golden knight. Eventually, Caster and Jacobs are killed and the knight turns his attention to Sam and introduces himself as Gilgamesh (from the Epic of Gilgamesh), ‘King of Heroes’ and the 8th Servant in these Grail Wars. Sam gasps as it’s supposed to be impossible for there to be more than 7 Servants in any one War. A chuckling voice asks who it was who told him that. Sam turns to find Kotomine who, despite his supposed ‘neutral’ status in the War is actually the master of both Gilgamesh and Lancer (having murdered the latter’s original master and formed a contract with him).


    Kotomine orders Gilgamesh to kill Sam and Sophie but Lancer, an honourable sort, disapproves of attacking the Master rather than the Servant and blocks Gilgamesh’s attack, much to the latter’s anger. Rather than waste a command seal, Kotomine agrees to let Gilgamesh kill Lancer along with Sam and Sophie. Lancer tells them he’ll buy time for the two to escape and does so, dying in the process. Sam makes it back home to tell Rachel and Saber about what happened. Both are pretty shaken upon hearing Gilgamesh’s name. Rachel explains that, when it comes to summoning Servants, the older they are the more powerful they are. As Gilgamesh is the oldest Heroic Spirit in existence, he’s also the most powerful Servant. It is said that in his personal Noble Phantasm, the Gate of Babylon, he holds the more powerful prototype version of nearly every Noble Phantasm sword in existence (except Excalibur). Saber is even more shaken as Gilgamesh was the final servant she fought in the last Grail War before Kiefer ordered her to destroy the Grail. Rachel suggests this as a possible reason he, as an 8th Servant, exists. The destruction of the Grail, while usually causing all Servants to disappear, must have somehow allowed Gilgamesh to remain in this world until the next wars began. Sam asks how they beat him. Rachel doesn’t think it’s possible but Saber believes Gilgamesh has one weak point. He’s incredibly arrogant and refuses to go all out against any opponent (to the point where his primary method of attack is simply flinging the swords from his Gate of Babylon at his opponents). If they catch him off guard with a suitably powerful strike, like with Saber’s Excalibur, they could kill him. However, Saber still lacks the prana to use Excalibur again. Saber comments that their only other hope was if they could somehow find Avalon, Excalibur’s sheath. Rachel asks how they could find such a legendary artefact. Saber reveals that the last time she saw it was when Kiefer used it to summon her for the Fourth War and that he must have hidden it or transferred its power somewhere. Rachel comments that they have a little to time to look for it since Kotomine will need to find a suitably powerful magus to act as a vessel for the Grail before he can kill Saber. However, Sam realises, to his horror, that they’ve already sent Kotomine the perfect vessel for the grail in the form of Illya.


    Let with no choice but to act quickly, Sam, Rachel and Saber head to Kotomine’s church. Once there, they find that the ritual to summon the Grail has already begun and that a horrific black sludge is leaking out of Illya’s body. Sam asks what the sludge is and Rachel explains that it’s the contents of the Holy Grail. But it doesn’t look at all right. Suddenly, Rachel is stabbed from behind by Kotomine. Seconds later, Saber is attacked by Gilgamesh and the two Servants fight, Saber cutting through hailstorms to blades to try and reach Gilgamesh. Kotomine, meanwhile, fights Sam who projects Caliburn to attack with. Kotomine comments on how nostalgic the whole thing feels of the Fourth War where he fought Sam’s father in the exact same circumstances. He reveals that the reason the Grail’s contents look as they do is because the Grail is corrupted and, upon completion, will kill every person in the city except those who wish on it. Kiefer Murphy realised this, killed Kotomine and forced Saber to destroy the Grail via Command Seal but not before Kotomine managed to wish on the Grail first, restoring himself to life and giving Gilgamesh a body he could survive in until the next war. However, this ended up causing the explosion that nearly killed Sam. Kotomine manages to snap Sam’s sword and stab him in the shoulder. Saber moves to defend Sam distracting Kotomine for a while. Sam finds that his shoulder wound is healing unnaturally fast and a heavily bleeding Rachel realises where Avalon. It’s inside Sam. Kiefer must have found some way to transfer its energy into him. This explains why it was so easy for Rachel to heal him from what should be fatal wounds. As well as explain how Sam managed to summon a powerful servant like Saber despite being incompetent at magic, since Saber and Avalon are magically linked. Rachel tells him that the only way to defeat Kotomine and Gilgamesh is to project Avalon and give it to Saber. Sam does so and Saber is once more able to summon Excalibur and manages to take Gilgamesh and Kotomine by surprise, killing them both with a single fiery blow.


    However, the Grail is becoming more and more unstable and must be destroyed. Saber agrees to do so, despite knowing she will cease to exist once the Grail is gone. She says a tearful farewell to Sam and destroys the Grail before vanishing. Several weeks later and Sam’s life has returned to normal. Rachel and Sophie have both successfully recovered from their injuries (and regularly join him for breakfast, much to his discomfort) and Tara has agreed to look after Illya for a while. One night, Sam is sitting outside, watching the stars and wondering where Saber is right now. We cut to many years past, after Saber lays dying against a tree, after the battle of Camlaan. One of her knights, Sir Bedevere asks if there’s anything he can do. She passes Excalibur to him and tells him to return it to the Lady of the Lake. After Sir Bedevere leaves, Saber smiles weakly and comments to herself that she just had the most wonderful dream…

    Theaters: 3882
    MPAA Rating: PG-13
    Budget: $105mil

    Edited by Rukaio Alter
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    Genre: Sci-Fi/Adventure

    Cast: Armie Hammer (Ulic Qel-Droma), Eddie Redmayne (Cay Qel-Droma), Iain Glen (Jedi Master Arca Jeth), Joan Allen (Queen Amanoa), Joel Kinnaman (Tott Doneeta), Brit Marling (Krynda Draay), Sharlto Copley (Novar), Teresa Palmer (Princess Galia), Diego Luna (Oron Kira)

    Directed By: Andrew Stanton

    Original Music By: John Williams

    Release Date: 5/17

    Theater Count: 4217

    Budget: $175 million

    Running Time: 134 Minutes

    MPAA Rating: PG-13 for sci-fi violence and some disturbing images

    Plot Summary:



    It is an era of stellar exploration.

    In the thousand years since the Great Hyperspace War,

    The GALACTIC REPUBLIC has expanded from

    the Core Regions to thousands of new worlds, unifying

    them all in democracy.

    Because of the rapid expansion, the forces of the Republic

    are stretched thin, isolating many systems from aid.

    To combat this problem, the Republic has enlisted the

    aid of the JEDI ORDER, a group of thousands of

    powerful warriors and diplomats, to help maintain

    peace and order throughout the galaxy.

    One such Jedi, ARCA JETH, a respected Jedi Master,

    has been selected to serve as Jedi Watchman for

    ONDERON, a border colony in the throes of

    civil war. He now moves to collect his finest

    students, Jedi Knights who can aid him in

    bringing an end to hostilities on the planet…

    The film takes place nearly 4,000 years prior to The Phantom Menace

    After the famous opening logo, title card, and title crawl, we pan down from space to see a smoggy world with a transport rocketing to it. We get a nice panning shot of the urban and polluted industrial world of Eriadu as the transport swoops in before landing at a spaceport. Two people exit, wearing the kind of hooded robes any Star Wars fan would associate with Jedi. They walk into the slum district of the city until a small band of thugs surrounds them, not knowing who they are. The taller Jedi, a man, asks if any of them know where he can find Tott Doneeta’s clinic. The thugs laugh and their leader walks up to the man and says he’ll tell them, after he takes their money and gives them a reason to need medical attention. The male Jedi stares down the thug, saying that they don’t want any trouble. The thug makes some boasts and the male Jedi responds by saying they can put the thug’s pride to the test, or they can all walk away now. After a few seconds, the thug backs off and tells his men to find something else for entertainment. After they leave, the two Jedi lower their hoods and the male Jedi tells his companion “You can put it back now Krynda” and we see that the other Jedi had a lightsaber just poking out of a sleeve. The male Jedi is Arca Jeth (Glen), an Arkanian. The other is Krynda Draay (Marling), a human woman in her mid-20s.

    Arca tells Krynda “the most important thing you ever need to know about a lightsaber is when you can avoid having to use it.” Krynda understands and asks why Master Arca didn’t use the Force to persuade the thugs to leave. “Because you will one day come across a potential foe against whom such tricks won’t work.”

    Cut to them arriving at a medical clinic. Overall in charge of the clinic as well as other charitable initiatives is the Jedi Knight Tott Doneeta (Kinnaman), a Twi’lek. Tott welcomes Master Arca as well and Krynda and asks what brings his former teacher to this planet. Arca says that he has an important task that he wants the best of his recent students to handle. Tott says that the Council will send another Knight to supervise things here. He quiets and Arca, sensing something amiss, asks Tott to tell him. Tott says that if Arca is looking for more former students, two of them arrived on the planet a few days ago. By Tott’s exasperation, Arca knows who they are and asks how much trouble they’re starting. “The usual, I imagine” Tott replies.

    Cut to the far side of the metropolis to a seedy cantina. In the back is a sabacc card game with several players of various species. One of them is the human Ulic Qel-Droma (Hammer). Among the humans and aliens watching the game is Cay Qel-Droma (Redmayne), Ulic’s younger brother. Ulic plays the card game and whittles down the players to a single opponent, Daban, who we learn is a prominent dealer of illegal drugs in this sector. Ulic wins the game and is accused of cheating since his hand was impossibly good. Ulic says it is, because the winning card is a skifter Daban was using to cheat earlier. This causes uproar, with everyone else in the game wanting their money back. Daban and his men draw blasters on Ulic and Cay, who try to talk them down. Instead the men pull the triggers and nothing happens. Ulic smiles and drops on the table the firing pins from each blaster. Daban and his men are in disbelief until Daban realizes “you’re a Jedi!” He runs for it while his men charge forward and Ulic and Cay take them out in a short brawl. The two brothers exchange words afterwards, Cay annoyed about his brother always wanting to make things so dramatic. They chase after Daban who gets into a speeder and flies off. They get into their own and give chase.

    We get a thrilling speeder chase through the industrial city, with lots of curves and tricks as they fly through aerial avenues and dart between buildings and Daban uses industrial operations as obstacles. Daban summons a couple speeders of backup and the men inside shoot at Ulic and Cay. Ulic has Cay take over driving while he does a Jedi acrobatic flip across traffic into an opposing speeder and knock out the guys. The other backup speeder ends up crashing into an abandoned factory when it overcompensates on a hairpin turn. Ulic and Cay catch up with Daban and force him into a hard landing. Ulic and Cay land and catch up to him. However they are soon surrounded by a couple dozen thugs and men. They pull out their lightsabers but the numerical odds are likely too great. Daban taunts them before telling his men to kill them, but then Ulic, Cay, and the audience hear an odd sound effect like a strange wind rolling over the area. Daban’s men all go into a daze before slowly dropping their weapons and then falling to the ground asleep. Daban is freaked out and Ulic and Cay look around and finally see Arca, Tott, and Krynda emerge, Arca’s hand outstretched. “We’re going to have a talk about this” Arca tells the brothers.

    We cut to Tott’s clinic. At the clinic, Arca gives Ulic and Cay a stern reprimand for their behavior. He tells Ulic that he is too aggressive. Cay tries to interject but Arca cuts him off and tells Cay that he is too willing to go along with his brother. “When I trained you I thought you had the sense and backbone to tell your brother when he was getting himself in over his head. If I hadn’t come here to find Tott, there’s a good chance the two of you would now be dumped in a pool of waste.” Arca says they’re no longer his students so he can’t discipline them, but he urges them to think very carefully about how they act as Jedi.

    Arca leaves, Krynda and Tott following. Krynda asks Master Arca if he was too hard on them. Arca replies he thinks he wasn’t hard enough on them when he trained them. “My students are my family” he tells her. “It’s never easy to be hard on family.” He says he will speak to all four in the morning. Meanwhile we see Ulic and Cay talking about what just happened. Tott returns to talk to them, saying if he knew what Ulic and Cay were going to get themselves into he’d have stopped them. Ulic says after growing up hearing all of the stories of Master Arca’s adventures, he feels an obligation to try and live up to them. Tott chuckles and says they have many years to make stories of their own. Cay asks about Krynda and Tott says he only knows that she’s trained under Arca for the past year or two.

    The following morning Arca meets with the other four. He tells them that he has been appointed as Watchmen of a sector along the Republic’s border, so he has sent his students to other Masters to complete their training. One systems is the Onderon System, which is a colony that has petitioned to join the Republic. However the colony world is in the midst of a civil crisis between the collection of city-states and the warrior tribes in the jungle. The Galactic Senate will not admit Onderon until the crisis is resolved. As Master Arca has several other systems with their own problems to handle, he is recruiting former students of his to go to Onderon and resolve the matter diplomatically. Tott, Ulic, and Cay were on the top of his list. He asks them if they are willing to do this for him. All three agree. Arca says that Tott will be leading the diplomatic mission. He adds that his student Krynda Draay will be joining them, as she is all but ready to be Knighted, and this mission will serve as her Trial. Tott says they can leave by the end of the day.

    Arca leaves for his quarters and we get a scene showing the four assignees talking. We learn more about Krynda and her focus on ancient Jedi history and desire to be a scholar. The others get along well with her and we see that Cay is a bit attracted to her. Afterwards we see them getting ready and preparing Tott’s starship for travel. Master Arca comes to see them off. He pulls Ulic aside and says that he believes Ulic is destined to for great things, but Ulic will never get there if his confidence and bravado gets himself and others killed. Ulic promises not to let Master Arca down. He joins the others and Arca gives them a Jedi salute as their ship takes off.

    We see Onderon from space, a large lush planet covered in forests and jungles for the most part. Orbiting it is the large jungle moon of Dxun, which is even more feral and fertile than Onderon. We then get an establishing shot of the capital city Iziz, which is a large city that is surrounded by tall walls of duracrete with lots of weapon emplacements.

    We then go into the Royal Palace where the ruler of Onderon, Queen Amanoa (Allen) is holding court. Present are Galia (Palmer), her daughter, and Novar (Copley), her general. Amanoa says they will not strike at the Beast Riders with Republic officials due to visit. “We are the victims, and we will not let those savages portray us as the enemy.” She dismisses everyone except Galia and Novar. Amanoa tells Novar to ensure her orders are carried out, as well as to personally oversee all of Iziz’s defenses. Novar says he will. Amanoa says that once the Republic sees the violence caused by the Beast Riders, they will send in their forces to do the hard work.

    We return to Tott’s starship in hyperspace where we get a couple short scenes. Cay talks with Krynda a bit and gets to know more about her. Ulic later teases him and Cay says there’s no rule against it for the Jedi (because this far back in time there wasn’t! Silly AotC). We also see Ulic and Tott talk some more. Tott says Arca put him in charge because he’s level-headed, and he wants to know if Ulic is comfortable following his lead. Ulic promises he is.

    When they near Onderon, Ulic asks what they know of the planet. Krynda has compiled a dossier and briefs them: It was settled about 400 years ago and several walled cities were built to protect from the aggressive wildlife. People convicted of serious crimes were exiled into the jungles, as well as political agitators. Many died, but the survivors over decades banded together to form several powerful warrior tribes called the Beast Riders. Cay asks why “Beast Riders.” Krynda says it’s because they learned to train the Drexl flying lizards in the jungle and use them in their warfare. Tott nods and says the Beast Riders have raided Onderonian cities for decades and have been hit hard in counterstrikes.

    The Jedi ship arrives in the Onderon system. After identifying themselves, they are allowed to pass through the air defense network and land. They comment on the opulent fortified city of Iziz as they land. They are met by Novar, who introduces himself and says the Queen is preparing a welcoming ceremony for them.

    Novar takes the Jedi into the Royal Palace, giving them some information about the palace, city, etc as they walk. Ulic asks if there has been any recent violence and Novar says things have been quiet since word got out of the Republic sending ambassadors. They enter the throne room, where Queen Amanoa, Galia, and the royal court are waiting. Amanoa formally welcomes the four Jedi. Tott thanks her and says they are not here to take sides, but to bring both to a peaceful resolution. Amanoa says that is noble, but says the reality is not so simple, as the Beast Riders are opposed to the foundations of Onderon’s society. Ulic says if one side is the unlawful aggressor than they will act accordingly. Tott shoots him a quick look but says nothing. After some more formalities, Amanoa says she will retire but she wishes to speak to the Jedi again tomorrow. She tells Galia to show them to their quarters.

    Galia personally introduces herself and shows them to their chambers. She says times are very tense and she hopes the Jedi can help both sides find peace. The Jedi ask what her opinion on the conflict is. Galia is reluctant to undercut her mother, so she simply says that both sides have made mistakes of judgment in the past. After she leaves the Jedi talk amongst themselves. Tott says the Onderonians seem cordial enough, but is concerned they may be obstinate to any concessions or compromises. Cay agrees and says they will have to speak to the Beast Riders at some point. Ulic says it seems to him that the Beast Riders are the aggressors, since they’re trying to disrupt Onderon from being a civilized planet. Cay has noticed Krynda being quiet and asks her what troubles her. She says it’s probably nothing, she just has sensed something odd and murky in the Force in the planet. Ulic says it’s just all the tension making things feel cloudy.

    Queen Amanoa briefly talks with Novar, who says he didn’t think the Jedi would come so quickly. Amanoa says their arrival will encourage the Beast Riders will make their move, and if one or more Jedi falls as a result, it would only pressure the Republic to send greater force. “And they will wipe the savages out for us.” Novar smiles. Amanoa says she will retire to the catacombs for contemplation.

    We cut to a different part of Onderon, a mountain citadel in the jungle. Inside we see several Beast Lords conferring on matters. Two of them are Modon Kira and his son Oron (Luna). One says that scouts have reported that a Republic starship landed in Iziz earlier in the day. It is likely the Republic ambassadors. Another pipes up, saying his tribe has a few friends inside Iziz who radioed to them that the ambassadors are Jedi. Many of the Beast Lords murmur about the presence of Jedi. Modon silences them and says they will launch their raid in two days’ time. One of the other lords says they should cancel the operation now that there are Jedi on the planet. “We will seem the aggressors to them, and they will come for us.” Oron replies “That is the point. We cannot reach the Jedi in the royal palace, so we shall lure them out here where we can deal with them.”

    The following day the Jedi meet with Amanoa, who tells them more of the planet’s history. She says that not long after Onderon was first colonized, it was stumbled upon by a wandering Jedi called Freedon Nadd, who stayed on the planet to help the struggling colonists survive. He was elected ruler and his bloodline has continued through the rulers of Onderon, as well as into other noble families..

    The Jedi then split up. Ulic and Tott speak with Novar, while Cay and Krynda tour Iziz. Novar is a bit brusque in speaking with Ulic and Tott about the city’s defenses, saying he personally double-checks them. He says if he had his way, they’d have used mass destruction on the Beast Riders to end the war, but the Queen is more wise than he. Tott agrees that it is better the Queen is the one in charge. Meanwhile Cay and Krynda tour, marveling in architecture and style. Krynda says that if the rulers of Onderon are descended from a Jedi, they may still have the Force in the family. Cay says it’s possible and suggests they learn more about the planet’s background as well as this Freedon Nadd. They seem to be growing rather friendly.

    We see a couple short scenes that show the Beast Riders preparing their weapons and Drexl for a raid and the Jedi further getting involved with Iziz.

    We cut to a grand ceremony in the throne room where the Queen receives emissaries from all the other cities. Galia is also present. The Jedi observe. The ceremony is interrupted when Novar appears and whispers to Amanoa that Beast Riders have penetrated a gap in the city’s sensor network and are coming for the palace. Amanoa immediately gives warning to the guests and asks the Jedi if they will help defend the palace. Ulic immediately says they will. Tott clarifies that they will protect against any breach of peace, but they are not soldiers. Novar sneers at Tott’s careful words, saying that there’s only one option when your life is at stake. The sounds of gunfire erupt in the distance as the courtiers flee to secure wings and Galia is escorted away. The Jedi pull out their lightsabers and are surprised to see Novar possess one as well, though it’s a more crude design. “As the Queen said, many of us are descendants of Freedon Nadd” he explains. And then, the attack begins.

    A squadron of Beast Riders on their Drexl penetrate the city air defenses through a coverage gap and swoop down on the palace, dodging scattered laser fire from guards outside. The Drexl are large enough to carry a few riders apiece, and when they crash into the foyers of the palace the riders hop off and charge the throne room. The Beast Riders burst into the throne room and fire, stunning several guards. The four Jedi and Novar charge in to defend the Queen. The Beast Riders are skilled fighters, but aren’t equipped to fight Jedi hand-to-hand. The Jedi drive off the attack, moving gracefully whereas Novar is skilled but brutal in his swings. Though the attack is defeated, word arrives that a second wave has landed and are moving to capture the princess. Tott tells Cay and Krynda to stay with the Queen and he and Ulic rush to protect Galia. They arrive in a courtyard to find her being led off. Ulic and Tott rush into the Beast Rider soldiers and subdue several, but then are confronted by a large Drexl beast. It is faster than its size would indicate, and a whip of its tail knocks the wind out of Tott. Ulic faces it down and is lightly slashed by its claws, but he slides in low and slashes its underbelly, killing it. He helps Tott to his feet but it is too late, the rest of the Beast Riders, with Galia in tow, have departed.

    Afterwards, Amanoa is upset about her daughter’s abduction and is disappointed by the Jedi being unable to prevent it. Tott is conciliatory, but Ulic says her own people had flaws in their defenses that let the Beast Riders reach the palace. He gets into an argument with Novar before Cay interjects, saying that they’re accomplishing nothing here. Cay says that the Beast Riders probably captured Galia to use as a bargaining chip, so they should try to negotiate to bring her back. Novar wants to launch a rescue operation instead. Ulic is inclined to agree. Krynda is uncertain about the Jedi being involved in such an operation and asks if they should consult Master Arca. Novar says time is short and they must act soon. Cay says either they formally negotiate or wait for Arca’s instructions. Ulic agrees with Novar. After a minute of thought, Tott says the Jedi will rescue Galia. He tells Cay and Krynda to stay to protect the Queen. He and Ulic will go with Novar to bring the Princess back.

    As Ulic and Tott prepare to leave, Cay approaches them and says he thinks they’re making the wrong decision. He tells Ulic Master Arca wanted him to control his impulsiveness. He also reprimands Tott, since Arca put him in charge precisely because he was the most cautious of them. Ulic says the situation is too urgent. Tott says he agrees with Cay, but if they tried to use diplomacy there’s no guarantee they could stop an Onderonian retaliation. He says the situation is not all it seems, pointing out the Beast Riders set their weapons to stun. Ulic says that was so they wouldn’t accidentally harm Galia. Tott says that in any event, the only way to find the truth is to go after Galia and confront the Beast Riders, and it’s better to be with Novar than not.

    Cut to Ulic, Tott, and Novar departing with a handful of soldiers in a transport shuttle while Cay and Krynda look on. After the shuttle disappears from sight, Krynda notices that Cay is worried. Cay says he and his brother usually did things together, so that when Ulic got himself into trouble, he was there to help him out of it. “I won’t be able to help him out this time.” Krynda puts a hand on his arm and says all they can do is trust in Ulic and Tott. Cay nods sadly.

    We follow Cay and Krynda as they spend some time inspecting Iziz’s defenses as well as trying to learn more about Onderon’s past. They approach Queen Amanoa to see Freedon Nadd’s tomb, which is in the underground catacombs, but Amanoa declines, saying it has been the custom to keep the catacombs sealed except when it is time to bury a member of the family. Later, Krynda says she wishes she could get down there, since aside from being an interesting historical finding, she senses something odd in the Force down in the catacombs. Cay agrees with what she senses. He says he has noticed some oddities in the city defense grid and wants to examine them.

    We change scene to the rescue mission. Onboard, Ulic and Tott try to go over rules of engagement with Novar. Novar insists they use all necessary force to rescue Galia, but Tott disagrees, saying that since the Beast Riders did not use deadly force in their capture raid, they should avoid escalating the violence. Ulic points out that the Beast Riders may not be so inclined to use deadly force against intruders. Tott and Ulic briefly talk, with Tott annoyed that Ulic is somewhat undermining his authority. Ulic says it would be wrong for him to not express his honest opinion. Ulic also talks with Novar and comments that Novar’s pretty good with his saber. Novar smiles and says he knows his share of tricks.

    An alarm sounds and a pilot reports SAM batteries have opened fire. The shuttle does its best to dodge but is finally hit in the rear. A few soldiers are sucked out by the decompression. Tott uses the Force to grab a couple more and pull them back inside, but is then sucked out as well. Everyone else straps in as the shuttle spirals for a crash landing. We briefly see Tott falling and using the Force to shield himself in a small air bubble before he too hits the ground.

    Tott wakes up to find himself alone in the wild jungle. He is bruised, but otherwise okay. He calls for Ulic and the others but gets no response. His comlink is also smashed. After some walking, he is spotted from the air by Beast Riders and a few land. He is told to drop his weapons and after a few seconds he complies, holding his hands up in surrender.

    Cut to Ulic waking up at the shuttle crash site. He has been pulled clear and finds that Novar and a handful of others have survived. “So much for no deadly force” Novar says bitterly. Ulic asks if there is any sign of Tott and Novar shakes his head. “They shot us down, killed my men, and your friend too likely. We can’t hold back. Are you with us?” Ulic nods in response to Novar.

    Back in Iziz, Cay is growing concerned that there has been no update from Ulic on the mission. He checks and learns that Novar has not reported in either to the Queen. He tells Krynda that he is growing worried. Krynda tries to calm his fears. The two seem close to having a moment but are interrupted by a soldier who says the Queen wants to see Cay. Cay leaves and Krynda goes back to her work reading up on Onderonian history. She is intrigued by an entry that talks about funeral rituals for the royals started by Freedon Nadd. They seem…different from those used by Jedi and she grows curious.

    Cay is brought before the Queen who tells him that the shuttle has been shot down and there has been no contact with survivors. She says it is too soon to assume the worst, but asks Cay what the Republic and Jedi would do if they learned their ambassadors were violently killed. Cay says they would send a large force to enforce peace on their terms. Amanoa says it may come to that in order to halt the Beast Riders.

    We return to Ulic, Novar, and the others setting out on a jungle trek. Ulic sees Novar has a communicator and asks why he hasn’t used it. Novar says with most equipment destroyed in the shuttle it has limited battery charge, so he will only use it to contact Iziz when it is most profitable. They consult a holo-map and Novar says based on the vector of the kidnappers, they are headed to the mountain citadel led by the Kira family, which is a three-day hike away.

    We follow their journey towards the Beast Rider citadel. They evade sentries on foot and on Drexl-back, but at one point are accosted by several large wild beasts. Novar uses the Force to crush the breath out of one to intimidate the others. He and the soldiers are ready to strike but Ulic intervenes and uses the Force to calm the remaining beasts down. He pats one on the head and tells it to leave and it does, the others following. Ulic tells Novar the Force shouldn’t be used to kill if there is another way. Novar retorts that there rarely is another way on Onderon.

    We return to Iziz. Cay talks with Krynda and says he is strongly considering contacting Master Arca, but he hesitates because he feels in the Force that Ulic is alive. “We’re so close, I think if he died I would have sensed it in the Force.” Krynda says that if Ulic is alive then Tott may be also, which means there is still a chance for them to resolve things. In the meantime, she shows him what she’s learned. A lot of Onderonian history records show signs of redaction or editing, indicating that some things are being hidden from the people. Most of it is tied to Freedon Nadd and the royal family. She says she knows the catacombs are off-limits, but she thinks if she can get down there she could maybe learn the source of what’s nagging her. Cay agrees to help her.

    We return to the rescue mission, which is now near the Kira citadel. Scouting things out, Ulic reports that it is possible to scale the cliffs and gain access through one of the balconies or defense platforms carved into the cliff face. Novar says he will go with Ulic and tells his men to stay clear. He tells the others he will contact them if they are needed for their mission.

    Ulic and Novar scale the cliffs. It’s a very tense scene since not only are they doing it without climbing gear, they have to deal with loose outcroppings and a couple bits where Beast Riders riding Drexl swoop by on patrol. After a couple close calls, they make it to a deserted balcony and enter the citadel. We follow them as they slip through hallways, evading the occasional guard patrol or inhabitant. They’ve entered the main levels but have no indication of where Galia is being held, so Novar takes the initiative and captures a guard. Gripping the man by his temples, he demands to know where the princess is. The guard is compelled by the Force to say she is in the grand hall for the “wedding.” Ulic thinks they’re forcing Galia to marry someone. They rush further down, shedding subtlety. Being chased, they find the doors to the grand hall and throw them open to find a large wedding feast in progress. Sitting at a long table are Galia, Oron Kira, and Modon Kira. Everything halts and dozens of guards and guests stand and go for their weapons until a voice shouts for everyone to stop. It is Tott Doneeta, standing near the table with the princess and in possession of his weapons and equipment. Tott walks towards Ulic. Ulic demands to know what is going on. Tott sighs and says it’s a bit of a long story.

    We cut to Iziz, where Cay has been doing some recon of security in the Royal Palace and reports back to Krynda about how she’ll be able to get into the catacombs to take a look around. She asks if he’ll be coming and Cay replies he won’t, since he wants to take another look at the city defense network. Before she leaves he tells her to be careful.

    We cut back to the Beast Rider fortress, where Ulic, Novar, Tott, Galia, Oron, and Modon are all in Modon’s chambers. Tott explains to Ulic and Novar that Galia wasn’t kidnapped, it was a staged abduction. Ulic asks why. Oron says that the Beast Riders have had contacts in Iziz for many years that allow them to enter for trading and espionage, and one day he encountered Galia in the markets. Galia says that the two talked and met several times, and fell in love. She says it’s time to end the bloodshed, and the best way to do that is to unify the cities and the Beast Riders. Galia says she knew her mother would object, so she arranged for the kidnapping. Galia and Oron are optimistic that Amanoa will accept this, though Modon says he has had doubts. Novar, sounding angry, says people died coming to “rescue” Galia. Oron apologizes, saying they thought the Onderon shuttle was going to attack so they shot it down to avoid taking risks. Galia pleads with Novar to send a message to her mother and help her see reason. Novar says he cannot promise anything.

    Novar leaves and Ulic asks Tott how he got here. Tott says once the Beast Riders realized who he was, they treated him like an honored guest. Modon apologizes for how things have gone, but says they cannot trust Queen Amanoa as she is descended from a line of dark kings and queens. Ulic is a bit angry at Galia and says she could have come to the Jedi with this. Galia says the Jedi seemed to take her mother at her word. Ulic sighs and says things have been a mess since they arrived at the planet. He asks Tott what they do now. Tott says once Novar returns they arrange for an escort to Iziz where they begin a formal diplomatic session between the Beast Riders and the Queen. He suspects the Queen will have much less bargaining room.

    Novar returns to the group of soldiers outside the fortifications. They ask him what is going on and he replies he will need to contact the Queen immediately. There is an alteration in plans.

    We cut to Iziz. We follow Krynda as she follows Cay’s instructions to slip past guard patrols and breaks the seal to the catacombs. She enters and it is dark and musky. She continues onward. Meanwhile Cay is going over the city defense network, examining how the Beast Riders got through it when they raided the palace. He finds discrepancies in the logs that show that someone erased orders moving some units around, which created a gap in the defense network.

    Novar returns to the Beast Rider citadel with his men. They are admitted with their weapons since he is under a peace banner. Inside, Ulic talks to Tott and says something feels off about the whole thing. Tott asks what and Ulic says “I don’t know, I just have a bad feeling about this.”

    In Iziz, Krynda goes deeper into the catacombs. She sees carvings of warriors and creatures on the exteriors, which slowly look more and more brutal and foreign as the tombs get older. She also feels as if something dark is pressing in on her. Cay meanwhile has used the Force to help persuade a wall guard to get him administrator access to the computer mainframe that oversees the defense grid.

    Novar enters the chamber where Ulic, Tott, Galia, Oron, and Modon are and says he communicated with Queen Amanoa, who is disappointed in her daughter’s actions but relieved she is safe. She is sending a transport to pick up Novar and his men while she considers diplomatic actions. Oron and Galia take this as good news and Modon suggests they move to a nearby feast hall to continue the celebrations.

    In Iziz, Cay has gotten into the communication records and sees the orders with a look of surprise: Only a few hours before the raid, Novar gave orders that opened the gap in the defense grid for the Beast Riders to move through. Meanwhile in the catacombs, Krynda has entered the lowest level and things definitely look macabre, with twisted gargoyles and statues littering the floor and walls. She finally reaches the heart of the catacombs: Freedon Nadd’s tomb. It is a slab of black iron. As she goes up to it, she sees inscriptions on the covering in a foreign language. She gasps after reading them. She tries to contact Cay but gets no clear signal, so she instead opens a channel to a recorder on their ship and starts to leave a message on it.

    At the celebration almost everyone present is having a good time, though Novar is oddly aloof. Ulic tries to talk to him but is shrugged off. Novar walks away. Meanwhile we see a couple Onderonian transports nearing the mountain citadel. They seem normal…until panels slide open and weapon racks slide out. Ulic and Tott sense a disturbance in the Force. Ulic looks around and sees Novar walking to the side of the large hall and covertly signaling to his handful of men, who all tense up and move away from the far wall. “Oh no” Ulic says and he starts to walk towards Novar, hand resting on his lightsaber. Outside, the two Onderonian transports suddenly unleash a barrage of missiles. The explosions tear the defenses apart and explode the far wall of the celebration chamber into flying rubble, the shockwave knocking many down. As everyone is stunned, the transports fire lasers while Novar’s soldiers shoot their blasters at the crowd. Modon tries to give orders for defense but Novar leaps in behind him and stabs him in the back with his lightsaber. Modon falls and Oron tries to grab for a weapon but Novar uses the Force to fling him against a wall. Novar grabs Galia and throws her towards one of his men, who drags her towards the transports. As Beast Riders start fighting back, Ulic and Tott get up, see what has happened, and try to confront Novar. They rush in with their lightsabers and Novar is ready and a short two-on-one lightsaber fight breaks out as they drive Novar back, though their attacks are ineffective. “I have to thank you for making our job a lot easier” he says to the Jedi. He then stuns Tott with a sharp kick to the chest, but Ulic redoubles his intensity and forces Novar back. Ulic too late realizes it was part of Novar’s plan as Novar signals for a transport to fire its lasers at Ulic. Ulic barely dodges and is knocked back by the explosions. He gets up to see Novar using a rappel line to zip up to a waiting transport. The transports fly off. Drexl have been scrambled to intercept but it’s too late to catch up. Ulic looks over the carnage. Tott limps over and the two Jedi have looks of utter confusion.

    Krynda still looks shocked when a voice says she shouldn’t be down here. It is Queen Amanoa. Krynda says that Amanoa said Freedon Nadd had been a Jedi, but he wasn’t. “Oh he was a Jedi, once” Amanoa replies, “but then he found a more powerful path.” “The Sith” Krynda remarks. She says the Sith Empire was obliterated a thousand years ago. Amanoa says the Sith live so long as there are people who follow their teachings. “Freedon Nadd taught his descendants well, and still teaches us.” Krynda says that is why the Beast Riders fight, because of their opposition to the Dark Side controlling the throne. Amanoa replies that the Jedi arriving sooner than expected complicated matters, but it’s only a bump to finally uniting Onderon under one ruler. Krynda tries to pull out her lightsaber, but Amanoa reacts faster and extends her arm, constraining Krynda with Sith sorcery. Amanoa toys with crushing Krynda’s throat, but then says that a Jedi hostage may come in handy. She uses the Force to smack Krynda against a rock wall, knocking her out.

    Cay tries to communicate with Krynda’s comm device but gets no response. He is heading towards the Jedi’s ship when he is confronted by several guards. They are determined to arrest him, so he makes a run for it. We get a short foot chase where the guards run after him and shoot, but Cay uses the Force to do some free-running to get to inaccessible portions of the palace complex. He gets to the ship and hears Krynda’s message, which we learn is a short message saying that Freedon Nadd’s tomb bears ancient Sith writing, and a lot of the tomb architecture comports with Sith styles from the Great Hyperspace War. Cay then composes a voice message for Master Arca summarizing what he knows about Onderon. He sends and tries to take off in the ship, but defense turrets shoot the ship, crippling it and forcing it to crash-land in a city square. Soldiers arrive to check the ship and find it deserted.

    Back at the Beast Rider Citadel, Tott says neither Cay nor Krynda are responding to communication attempts on the shared frequency. Ulic is upset and angry, saying that the Queen and Novar have played them. Tott wants to contact Master Arca but the Beast Riders don’t have communication gear that can transmit off-world. Oron after some thought says that he is going to summon all nearby Beast Lords for an assault on Iziz to rescue Galia and depose the Queen. He tells the Jedi that negotiations are clearly impossible and that he cannot let the crimes of the royalty go unanswered. He understands if the Jedi are reluctant to go to war. Ulic and Tott look at one another.

    Novar returns to Iziz with Galia and takes her to the Queen. Galia is confused about her mother’s actions and Amanoa says she has known about Galia’s plan the whole time. She let it proceed since it provided her with the ability to deal a major blow. Galia says she won’t fall into the same darkness her mother has before being dragged off by guards. Novar says that the Beast Riders will respond in force, and the Jedi may join them. “Let them come” Amanoa replies.

    We briefly followed an injured Cay moving through back alleys in Iziz before finding an abandoned home to hole up. He tends to his injured leg and does repairs on his communicator.

    We see the Beast Riders gathering forces, hundreds of Drexl riders mingling in an assembly area. Ulic and Tott observe from a balcony. Ulic asks if they will join Oron’s forces. Tott is hesitant to do so since they don’t know the status of Cay and Krynda. They might make things worse if they jump in. Ulic is anxious to confront Novar and to ensure his brother is safe. They get contacted on their communicators by Cay. Cay relays to them everything he knows and says he is uncertain about Krynda but thinks she is probably captured. Ulic tells Cay about the impending Beast Rider attack. Cay says in the confusion caused by the attack he can get into the palace and find Krynda and Galia. Ulic says that can work, and says that they’ll be in Iziz soon. He tells Cay to be careful and Cay laughs, saying that’s usually his thing to say. The conversation ends and Ulic looks at Tott, who nods.

    Cay finishes tending to his leg and evades guard patrols in the city to find a new vantage point closer to the palace. We watch him scout out ways to get inside once the fighting begins.

    We see Krynda being held captive in a cell, hands and legs bound by stun cuffs. Queen Amanoa visits to tell her that Cay was onboard the Jedi ship when it was shot down. He did not survive. She adds that Novar has returned with her daughter, and neither of the Jedi with him “made it back.” Krynda tries to keep her composure. Amanoa taunts her, saying that the most valuable thing Freedon Nadd passed to his descendants was the knowledge that the Jedi way is just shackles, like those Krynda has on. “He taught us that when you open yourself to the whole of the Force, no one can stand against you.” “It won’t work” Krynda replies, knowing Amanoa is trying to get her to touch the Dark Side in anger. Amanoa chuckles and then leaves.

    The Beast Riders finish assembling their forces and take off. Ulic and Cay ride with Oron on his Drexl and are definitely uncomfortable about the method of travel. Oron says several units will feint against the walls to draw fire and attention, and then the main thrust will come at the Royal Palace district. Ulic says they will have to move fast, as Iziz will summon the other cities for aid the moment they detect the first Drexl on defense sensors.

    Amanoa stands on a balcony overlooking the city and Novar joins her. He says that all preparations have been made and she is pleased. Novar says while he understands why Amanoa is going this route, luring all main opponents in, he says the Republic will not ignore the loss of 4 Jedi. Amanoa says the Republic is but a shell. She has seen it crumbling in visions, the Jedi decimated and its systems torn by war. “He has shown it to me, their downfall. I will not fear them now that I have seen their end approaching” she says. Before Novar can respond the alarms sound. “It is time” Amanoa says. She tells Novar to give all necessary orders to the defenders and then await the Jedi coming for Galia and Krynda. “They will come for me and for them, and I am not defenseless.”

    Soldiers scramble to Iziz’s defenses as dark blots appear in the sky. As the Drexl draw nearer defensive lasers and chain guns open fire, felling several, while the Beast Riders return fire with mounted lasers and rockets. Several Drexl swoop down and rip laser cannons from their emplacements with their claws. Others drop in and the squads of riders hop off and engage the wall defenders. All of this is Oron’s diversion. The real attack comes with a larger force hugging the treeline, leaping up a mere kilometer from the city and gunning for the palace district. There are far too many for the district gun emplacements to handle. Hundreds of Beast Rider commandos are dropped off, as well as Oron, Ulic, and Tott. Oron gives orders for the Drexl Riders to destroy incoming reinforcements. The three then move towards the palace, which is heavily guarded. During this, civilians run to assigned shelters and Cay, still limping a bit, enters the palace from a low service passage that is unguarded in the chaos.

    Ulic and Tott lead the attack charge on the main gates of the palace, their lightsabers deflecting a lot of blaster bolts that would otherwise hit Oron’s men. The exterior stations are disabled, but the main gate is too thick for a lightsaber to cut through or ordinary explosives to penetrate, so Oron orders a pair of Drexl to land and attaches cables to them and the door with the intent of them pulling it down. As his men provide covering fire against palace guards, Ulic tells Tott he is going to scale the palace walls and enter from a different angle, since Cay is sure to be inside by now. “May the Force be with you” Tott says and Ulic runs off.

    Cay travels through the lower bowels of the palace, avoiding contact, until he corners a palace official who is hiding in a side room. He calms the palace official down and asks where Amanoa is keeping Krynda prisoner. The official stammers that all prisoners are in the nearby cell block. Cay thanks him and “suggests” that he should take a nap to avoid worrying about the fight. The official smiles and goes to do that. Cay moves out.

    Outside the Beast Riders continue to make progress tearing down the palace gate and word reaches Oron that reinforcement ships are approaching Iziz. He tells Tott they will have to hurry since he wants to avoid the battle spilling over into the rest of the city. Ulic meanwhile has scaled the exterior walls and is nearing an access point. A soldier peers over the edge to shoot at him but Ulic uses the Force to yank the weapon away. This also causes the soldier to lose his footing and he falls, but Ulic is able to grab him by the arm. Ulic strains but uses the Force to hurl them up onto the entryway. The soldier thanks Ulic and Ulic knocks the guy out. He enters the palace, lightsaber drawn.

    Cay enters the cell block and quickly subdues the handful of guards. He locates Krynda’s cell and opens it. She is happy to see him and throws a hug around him when he takes off her stun cuffs. Teary, she says she was told he was dead, and there’s another brief moment where something might happen but Cay says they have to find Galia. They search the cell block and locate Galia and free her. She wants to confront her mother, but Krynda says that is a bad idea since Amanoa is strong with the Dark Side.

    Outside, the first reinforcements arrive and an aerial dogfight duel ensures between Drexl and transports and airspeeders as the palace gate is torn off. Oron tells Tott he will lead his men to hold the reinforcements off. Tott nods and leads a team into the palace.

    In high orbit above Onderon, a spaceship descends towards the atmosphere.

    Cay, Krynda, and Galia enter a large chamber enroute to the nearest exit and see Novar waiting. Cay tells Krynda to take Galia and go. Krynda wants to stay and help but Cay reminds her that the princess is more important. The two leave for another exit. Novar tells Cay that he fought Ulic and wasn’t impressed and he wonders incompetence runs in their family. Cay replies that Novar’s violence ends here. Novar laughs. “Tough words boy, but it takes a Man to back them up.” He ignites his lightsaber and Cay charges in and their lightsaber duel begins.

    The battle above Iziz and outside the palace grows more intense as more reinforcements arrive. The Beast Riders are slowly being pushed back. Ulic also presses forward, taking out a few guards, and suddenly encounters Krynda and Galia. He asks about Cay and Krynda says he is fighting Novar and Ulic without further words rushes off.

    Cay energetically fights Novar in the audience chamber, using acrobatics and sleek, clever moves, but he is unable to get though Novar’s defenses. Novar continues to taunt Cay as he confidently brushes the attacks aside. He sees that Cay’s one leg is a bit weak and growing more so from the strain of the fight. “Your master taught you how to swing a sword, boy” Novar says, “but it seems he never taught you how to fight.” Novar forces Cay’s swing out wide and then brutally stamps on Cay’s injured leg and we hear a bone snap. Cay howls in pain and Novar uses the Force to fling him against a wall. “Even more pathetic than your brother!” Novar gloats. Cay struggles to his feet and tries to hold Novar off, but Novar in a triumphant slash gashes Cay across the mid-section and slices Cay’s right arm off above the elbow. Cay screams again and Novar causally flings him aside. Novar begins to walk over to finish the job.

    Tott and his men encounter Krynda and Galia. He has his men take custody of Galia and tells Krynda to come with him to get to Ulic and Cay.

    Novar nears Cay but stops, as Ulic has entered the chamber. “Now the one I’ve been waiting for” Novar says with relish. He uses the Force to lift Cay up and grip him by the throat. “I am torn whether to kill him in front of you, or to let him watch his brother fail to save him first.” Ulic’s face shows barely restrained anger. Novar says he supposes killing Cay first it is. “NO!” Ulic says in a fury, using the Force to hurl Novar back, which releases his grip on Cay. Novar gets up just in time to block Ulic’s strikes. Ulic is attacking in a near frenzy and the two have some major acrobatics and physical blows as they fight, both opponents nicking the other a couple times. Ulic goes for a killing strike but Novar dodges and lightly stabs Ulic in the side. Ulic falls to one knee and Novar swings down, but Ulic blocks it and the two push their sabers against one another. “I had heard the stories of the Jedi” Novar says, “that they were great warriors with no equal. But now I see that it is just the illusion of legends. You’re weak, just like your brother was weak. You couldn’t stop me before, and you can’t stop me now! You Are NOTHING!” Ulic taps into whatever strength he can find, even from his anger, and with a yell pushes upward, knocking Novar back. Ulic hacks away, Novar barely keeping up as Ulic drives him towards a balcony. As they get near Novar tries for a desperate swing but Ulic parries it and ripostes with a slash that slices up the left of Novar’s face and up through his left eye. Novar screams in pain and Ulic uses the Force to hurl Novar over the side of the balcony. Ulic stumbles to the railing to look down and sees nothing but the jungle treeline below. He then rushes over to Cay, who is battered, but alive. Cay tries to apologize for getting himself hurt but Ulic says Cay is safe, as Cay drifts into unconsciousness. Tott and Krynda finally arrive on the scene and rush over in shock. Ulic says Novar is dead, but Amanoa needs to be dealt with. Tott asks if Ulic is alright. Ulic says he’ll be fine so long as his brother is fine. Krynda says she will watch over Cay and tells the two to find the Queen.

    Outside the fight intensifies, with more Onderonian airspeeders shooting down Drexl and their riders while ground troops attack towards the palace. Things are starting to look bleak, but slowly, the Onderonians start to get sluggish and hesitant in their attacks, and then they start to lose morale and break off their attacks one by one, until it becomes a flood of retreats. The cause of this change comes from the single ship that arrived at Onderon and is now flying over Iziz: As it flies by droid control, Master Arca sits in the passenger hold, meditating, a faint, light aura around him.

    Oron and his men cheer at the Onderonians retreat and Galia arrives with her escort. Arca’s ship lands in a nearby plaza and the Beast Riders approach warily. Master Arca walks down the landing ramp and is immediately recognized as a Jedi and is escorted to Oron, who asks if he caused this. Master Arca nods and says those strong in the Force can affect the course of battles by influencing the will of combatants to fight. He asks where his students are.

    Cay wakes up to see Krynda watching over him. He asks about Ulic and she says Ulic and Tott are going to find the Queen. She says she should have stayed to help him fight, but he says it was the right decision to get Galia to safety. He looks at the stump of his right arm and makes a bad joke about it, but Krynda laughs anyway. The two finally have their moment and kiss.

    Ulic and Tott enter the catacombs and eventually find Queen Amanoa meditating in front of Freedon Nadd’s tomb. “Your men may have won the battle on the surface, but the true war is won within the Force” the Queen says. She says that she has been drawing strength from Nadd’s tomb and none will stop her. Ulic says she will stand trial for her crimes and he and Tott advance towards her. Amanoa opens her eyes, which now blaze yellow and she extends a hand. The room seems to darken around all three and Ulic and Tott are lifted into the air. Amanoa says they will learn true power in the Force before they die. Ulic and Tott struggle as if being pricked by hundreds of tiny needles but then a wave of bright light zooms through the catacombs and knocks Amanoa back, releasing Ulic and Tott. “Only one ignorant about the Force would claim to wield true power in it” Master Arca’s voice says as he enters view.

    Amanoa venomously stares down Arca, who is pensive and calm. She unleashes Force Lightning at him, which he deflects with his hands. She pushes harder and he reflects some back at her. Growing angrier, Amanoa uses the force to rip the cover off of Freedon Nadd’s tomb, revealing a withered husk of a skeleton. “I call on you Master!” she shouts. “Give me the strength you have promised!” She draws on the Dark Side to darken the room and hurl black energy at Arca, Ulic, and Tott. Arca creates a bubble of bright energy that holds it back. Amanoa pours all of her strength into it and we see her slowly withering from the ravages of it. Arca closes his eyes and focuses himself, and slowly the bubble expands, pushing the dark energy back towards Amanoa. “I can control it! I will destroy you!” a haggard Amanoa shouts, but her cries prove false as Arca’s bubble rapidly expands until all the dark energy zooms back in on Amanoa and explodes in a flash, temporarily blinding Ulic and Tott. When they recover, they see a skeletal Amanoa lying at the base of Freedon Nadd’s tomb, Arca standing over her. They get up and Ulic asks how Master Arca stopped her. “She was dealing with an ancient power she didn’t fully understand” he says. “She thought she was strong enough to control the residual power of the Dark Side flowing from this tomb, but she was mistaken. And it cost her life.” Arca looks at his former students. “Now, I think it’s time for you to explain what took you so long to call me.”

    We jump a little ahead in time. Peace has come, with Galia and Oron instituting a new treaty between the cities and the Beast Riders. We find the Jedi in a hospital recovery room, where Cay is in bed testing out a metal prosthetic arm, Krynda, by his side, and the others standing by. Ulic says when they return to the Core Worlds Cay can get a synthetic flesh covering, but Cay says he kinda thinks it looks good as it is. Arca is happy Cay is recovered, but chides him. “You are more like your brother than I had thought,” which makes Cay a bit bashful. Krynda asks Master Arca about Freedon Nadd and his connection to the Jedi and Sith. Master Arca says when he heard Cay’s message the name sounded familiar, so he remotely checked the nearest Jedi archive. Freedon Nadd had been a Jedi Knight 400 years ago, but he was curious about Sith relics from the Great Hyperspace War and in his curiosity became obsessed with their knowledge and power, which caused him to fall to the Dark Side. He was discovered and driven into exile, after which no trace of him was found. Arca surmises he eventually found Onderon and decided to rule there. His investigations have discovered old relics Nadd brought with him. A special team will come soon to relocate them and Nadd’s tomb to the moon of Dxun. Tott says that Amanoa seemed to think she was communicating with Nadd and getting power from him. Arca shrugs and says there have been rumors of Sith spirits communing with their own kind, but they’re unproven legends. Arca notices Ulic looking troubled and asks him to speak his mind. Ulic says it’s hard for him to understand how a trained Jedi Knight could fall to the Dark Side like that. Arca sighs and says it is not as hard as Ulic may think, as “we all carry a darkness in our hearts. And sometimes a Jedi finds it hard to deny the feelings that darkness provides.” Ulic, clearly thinking of his fight with Novar, looks distant. Arca says they should let Cay have some rest and they depart, though Arca asks Ulic to walk with him.

    They go to a balcony overlooking Iziz and Arca says Ulic is thinking about what happened with Novar. Ulic looks surprised at first but then nods. Arca says Ulic isn’t the first Jedi who has ever been in such a situation and he won’t be the last. Ulic says what scares him is that when he let his anger poke through, it was a feeling that he liked. Arca says the Dark Side is always quick and easy and enjoyable to draw upon, “but the more you use it, the less and less you will recognize the man you were, until eventually it controls you.” He puts a hand on Ulic’s shoulder and tells him he is the best student he has ever trained, and he knows Ulic has the will to become a truly legendary Jedi Knight. He leaves to get rest and Ulic looks out on the city, lost in thought.

    A little time later, Cay is fully recovered and it is time for the Jedi to depart. Oron and Galia bid them farewell, thanking them for their help in bringing peace to Onderon. The Jedi graciously accept their thanks and board Arca’s ship. It takes off and flies off. As it leaves the atmosphere and enters space, Ulic sits with Cay and asks about him and Krynda. Cay blushes and says that “it’s complicated.” Ulic chuckles and says it usually is. The two brothers smile and Cay and Krynda exchange warm looks. Meanwhile Tott sits with Master Arca and asks what is next. Arca says first they’ll have to report to the Jedi Council. After that, “I’m still a Jedi Watchman for this sector, and there’s plenty of problems that a Jedi is needed to handle. And I can certainly use the help.” Ulic says that he’s ready for anything, the other three joining in. Arca smiles and says then the only thing to worry about is where to start.

    Arca’s ship orients itself and enters hyperspace, the screen jumping directly into the end credits.


    Iziz at night. We follow a man walk around a secret medical chamber. He puts down a bag of mechanical tools and devices and stands over an obscured body on the table and says he finally got the last working parts. He bends down, does a little tinkering, puts a small spherical object down towards the body’s head, and then says it should be all finished. The camera then moves up and over the table and we see the body is Novar’s, a jagged scar running across the whole of the left side of his face and his left eye replaced by a cybernetic one. Novar’s right eye opens and the cybernetic one flashes on and we cut to a black screen.

    Edited by 4815162342
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    Mystery Science Theatre 3000: Thomas the Tank Engine

    Director: Michael J. Nelson
    Genre: Comedy
    Date: April 26-28
    Cast: Michael J. Nelson (Mike Nelson), Bill Corbett (Crow T. Robot), Kevin Murphy (Tom Servo)

    Liam Neeson (as himself)


    "In the not too distant future
    somewhere in time and space
    Mike Nelson and his robot pals
    are caught in a nasty place
    They have to survive the wrath of Pearl
    just an evil gal who wants to rule the world
    From her castle below, she sets her sights above
    Just to torture all the captives
    on the Satellite of Love"


    Pearl: "I'll send him CAYOM movies,

    The worst I can find (la-la-la).
    He'll have to sit and watch them all,
    And I'll monitor his mind (la-la-la)."


    "Now keep in mind Mike can't control

    Where the movies begin or end (la-la-la)
    He'll try to keep his sanity
    With the help of his robot friends."


    Robot Roll Call!

    Cambot! (You're on!)
    Gypsy! (I'm not in this film!)
    Tom Servo! (Check me out!)
    Croooow! (I'm different!)


    "If you're wondering how they got back there

    after returning home at the end of the series (la-la-la),
    Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a film,
    I should really just relax..."
    for Mystery Science Theater 3000!"


    Pre-Move skit


    Mike: Hi guys, Welcome to the Satellite of Love. We're very excited to be part of our first major motion picture.


    (Tom Servo and Crow turn up animated in the cheapest CGI a small amount of money can buy)


    Tom: But didn't we already have a movie? And didn't we make it off this satellite at the end of the series? How did we get back on?


    Mike: Well, it's a very interesting story where- (double take) Hey, is it just me or do you guys look different?


    Tom: I've no idea what you mean.


    Crow: I just had a pedicure if that counts.


    Mike: No, I'm mean you look... cheaper. Sleazier. Less devoid of soul somehow. Hang on, we're getting a transmission from Pearl.


    Tom: Oh we, just got an start-of-the-art upgrade from Michael Bay.


    Crow: Yea- (Crow explodes n the cheapest CGI explosion money can buy)


    Mike: Oh my God! Crow!


    Tom: Oh he'll be fine. It's just an explosion.


    (cut to a singed Crow back in his puppet form)


    Crow: That was awesome! Let's do that again!


    Mike: No thanks. Our effects are already being outperformed by Birdemic. Hang on. I'm getting a transmission from Pearl


    Pearl: (maniacal laughter) Hello Michael. I hope your feeling well because- (blinks and points at CGI Servo) What happened to that one?


    Mike, Tom & Crow: Michael Bay.


    Pearl: Okay then. Speaking of, we have a... delightful CAYOM film for you to watch today...


    Mike: Oh really? You've decided to stop feeding us horrible movies finally?


    Pearl: Hahaha. Oh Mike, you crack me up sometimes. No, instead- (looks at CGI Servo again) Okay, can you stop him from looking like that? It's really creeping me out.


    Tom: Stop oppressing me, woman!


    (Mike slaps Servo on the back of the head, causing his CG form to vanish and get replaced with his puppet form.)


    Tom: Aww.


    Pearl: Thank you Michael. In return, I shall tell you what movie you'll be watching today. You may know it as the 'explosive' adaptation of a famous kids show.


    Mike: The Lampies!


    Pearl: What the hell are the Lampies?


    Mike: Well, I liked them...


    Pearl: Well, your movie is actually Michael Bay's infamous Thomas the Tank Engine. And it's set to start in 10 seconds.


    (The floor begins shaking)


    Mike: Places everyone! 



    The riff begins now.




    Tom & the Bots: Aaaah!!


    Thomas narrates, saying that not many know about how he alone - well, with the help of some puny humans –


    Crow: Puny humans. You know, I like him already.


    saved the world, but he’s gonna tell you now.


    Tom: That’s a shame. I was hoping he’d spent the next two hours talking about knitting and the importance of bicycle safety.


    Why? Because Thomas the Mothertanking Engine!


    Mike: That’s not a reason.

    Crow: You know, my mother was a tank.

    Mike: You’re a robot. You don’t have a mother.

    Crow *starts crying*: You’re right Mike! I’ve been a fool!

    Tom: Oh, nice job hurting his feelings Mike! Maybe next you’d like to remind him Liam Neeson isn’t really his father?

    Mike: But…! He doesn’t…! He’s a…! Ah, forget it.


    Now, most stories begin with “Once upon a time,”


    Tom: Most of my stories begin with three bottles of vodka, a Miley Cyrus CD and a packet of silly string.


    but this story, Thomas explains, begins with a boy, an explosion, and a half-naked attractive lady. However, more importantly, this story begins with Thomas.


    Crow: Thomas? Who’s Thomas?

    Mike: Will you pay attention!






    Tom & the Bots: Aaaah!!






    Tom & the Bots: Aaaah!!




    Crow: So this is a romantic comedy, right?

    Mike: Oh yeah. The next two hours are actually about an embittered playwright who meets an aging socialite and the two bond over their love of the works of Jean-Paul Sartre. That entire prologue is completely unrelated to the rest of the movie. I think there was a mix-up in the editing room.


    Weslyan University is having their orientation day for freshmen. We see our human hero, Jeremy Cole, looking around. This, after all, is a great engineering school. The tour guide, wearing only a bikini,


    Mike: You know, I once worked as a tour guide. Had to wear the exact same outfit as well.


    mentions that this is the alma mater


    Crow: As if people watching a Michael Bay movie are going to know what those words means.


    of cinematic genius Michael


    Mike: Caine?!

    Tom: Keaton?!

    Crow: Jordan?!


    Crow: What? I really liked Space Jam…




    Mike & the bots: Aww….


    Jeremy, finding the tour guide quite attractive, asks the tour guide out on a date.


    Tom: When you were a tour guide, Mike, did you get hit on by horny teenagers?

    Mike: More often than you’d think.


    The tour guide says yes, but then presses a secret button on her bikini. Explosion!


    Crow: Well, that’s an important lesson for you girls. Never pad your bra with nitro-glycerine.

    Mike: It’s just not worth it.


    Jeremy is knocked out,


    Tom: As the explosion blows shrapnel into his face, boiling his eyeball fluids and exposing bone fragments! Oh the humanity!


    and the tour guide, revealed to be Jenny Packard, kidnaps Jeremy.


    Mike: So what exactly are the rest of the tour doing during all of this? Are they just watching? Do they think it’s part of the tour?

    Tom: And on your left, you’ll see someone being kidnapped via explosion. Next up is the cafeteria. And I hear they’re serving burritos!


    The Pentagon. We see the President of the United States


    Crow: Daddy?!

    Mike: Look Crow, Liam Neeson is not your- You know what, forget it.


    walk through the halls, being led by Sgt. Tom Tipper.


    Mike: You know, fun fact, the original name for him was Sgt Trombone Twinkletoes, but they thought it sounded too serious.


    The Vice President of the United States is following closely behind, telling the President that this secret program is only for the goodwill of Americans.


    Mike: Because nothing brings goodwill more than highly secret military programs!


    The President says that Americans are amazing


    Tom: I should know. After all, I’m Irish!


    and the only thing better than Americans is the U.S. Armed Forces. The Vice President agrees, saying that if they didn’t have an Armed Forces, terrible things could occur, like random explosions.


    Mike: How exactly are you supposed to stop random explosions anyway?

    Crow: Isn’t it obvious? You call the US Armed Forces.

    Mike: Yeah, but how do they stop the random explosions?

    Crow: By being the US Armed forces, obviously. Jeez Mike, keep up!




    Tom & the Bots: Aaaah!!


    The President ducks


    Tom: And the heat from the explosion burns the President to a molten husk as his intestines fly across the room! Or, you know, he ducks. Because I’m sure the explosion will leave you alone then.


    as the Vice President disappears in the firey explosion.


    Mike: My only regret is GI Jooooooe!!!


    Sgt. Tipper says they need to move now!


    Crow: No no guys, I feel perfectly safe staying here in this burning rubble. You go ahead. I’m just going to catch some sun.


    They go to the Pentagon’s secret bunker, where Topham Hatt is waiting for them. Sgt. Tipper explains to the President that Topham Hatt is their top scientist on the secret project. 


    Tom: He was specially chosen from a highly selective group of scientists with ridiculous names.


    The President asks where the explosion came from, and both Topham and Sgt. Tipper have no idea what he’s talking about.


    Tom: That’s what I’ve been saying about this movie all along!


    The President shrugs,


    Crow: Eh, it was just an unexplained explosion that killed my vice president and nearly killed me. I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.


    and asks what the secret project is.


    Tom: In hindsight, I probably should already know this. But I am a very heavy drinker.

    Mike: Why do you think he greenlit this project in the first place?


    Topham explains, while taking them down a hangar


    Mike: Right, so we’re in a secret hangar below a secret bunker below the Pentagon.

    Crow: Yeah and below that is a secret laboratory. And below that is a secret storage facility.

    Mike: And what’s below that?

    Crow: A Starbucks.


    showing the machines, about the ENGINE project. ENGINEs are meant to be train-sized weapons of mass destruction


    Mike: Why train-sized?

    Crow: Why hello good sir, I would like to develop a series of giant weapons of mass-destructions.

    Tom: And what size would you like those? City-sized? Skyscraper-sized?

    Crow: Well, I don’t want to commit too much. How about train-sized?


    with artificial intelligence guiding their life.  Suddenly, Jenny, still in her bikini,


    Tom: Are you sure she should be wearing a bikini in an engineer’s workshop?

    Mike: Oh yeah, sure. I regularly slip into my two piece bikini whenever I want to do some heavy welding.

    Tom: You really like that bikini, don’t you Mike?

    Mike: Hey, it’s comfortable and easy to wear.


    comes in with Jeremy in a body bag.


    Crow: Dibs on his teeth!


    She explains they started off building a Small ENGINE, codenamed Percy, to make sure the formula worked.


    Mike: Okay, but what’s with the kid in a body bag?

    Tom: Oh he dinged my car earlier.


    Then, they moved onto the first Tank ENGINE, codenamed Thomas, which was designed to be the leader of the ENGINEs. They just finished up the third ENGINE, a Red ENGINE, codenamed James, which is the strongest of them all.


    Crow: Now I think about it, maybe we should’ve made him the leader.


    The President says good work to Topham and Jenny;


    Tom: You’ve used up millions of tax payer money to build weapons only useful on railway tracks and to murder college students. Money well spent!


    now, his administration will be considered fantastic.


    Mike: Thanks to a project no-one is allowed to know exists.


    Suddenly, Jeremy wakes up,


    Mike & the bots: Aaah! Undead!


    and asks what he’s doing there.


    Crow: Oh, we were going to feed you to the ENGINES. Nothing but the finest human flesh for them!


    Jenny explains they needed a genius to help with the next ENGINE,


    Tom: That’s not you, by the way. We just needed a new coffee boy.


    and Jeremy got a perfect score on the SAT.


    Mike: Although, in hindsight, maybe we could’ve just sent you a letter instead of the whole ‘kidnapping in broad daylight’ thing.


    Jeremy smiles, since he’ll get to spend time with a hot chick.


    Crow: Well, on the one hand, you did set off an explosion in my face, kidnap me and drag me here in a body bag. But on the other hand, boobies!




    Mike & the bots: Aaagh!

    Mike: What the hell did they make this set out of? TNT?


    Topham asks what happened,


    Mike: Somebody overcooked a jacket potato. 


    and Jenny (at this point you should realize she’s never getting more than a bikini on)


    Crow: You know guys, I’m starting to think she’ll never get more than a bikini on.


    says they need to turn on the ENGINEs. However, laughter is heard from James. He has turned himself on!


    Tom (as George Takei): Oh my…


    Explosion! As loads of lens flare occurs,


    Mike: Did JJ Abrams guest direct this bit?


    James explains that he doesn’t need to protect the United States


    Tom: I shall instead go and protect Canada!


    since being evil is fairly awesome,


    Crow: He’s got a point there.

    Tom: Yeah.

    Mike: Will you two be quiet?!


    and besides, he hooked up his electronic brain to correspond with an alien invasion.


    Tom: Shouldn’t we have added some kind of restrictions to stop him from doing that?

    Crow: Awww. We’re terrible scientists.


    Explosion! The President asks where all the explosions are coming from, but then James eats him,


    Mike: Huh. I thought you were joking about the whole ‘feeding people to the ENGINES’ thing.

    Crow: Nope. ENGINES run on only the finest human flesh.


    saying he’ll be a good hostage. James then hacks Percy, getting him to become evil.


    Mike: Oh no! He’s showing him the Box Office reports for the Transformers movies!

    Crow: They made how much overseas?!


    He goes to hack Thomas, but Topham has already turned him on!


    Tom (as George Takei): Oh my!


    Explosion! Explosion! Explosion! Thomas tells James to f*ck off but then, Percy eats Topham, calling him delicious.


    Crow: Nooo! Guy we only met 5 minutes ago!!


    In an act of desperation, Thomas eats Jeremy and Jenny


    Mike: Sorry! I get hungry when I’m stressed! My doctor says I have a condition!


    and flies off through the roof of the Pentagon, which has a nuke headed straight toward it! Thankfully, the ENGINEs are designed as also functioning as complete nuclear shields,


    Tom: So he uses his nuclear shields to block the bomb and save the city, right?


    but we see the Pentagon and half of Washington D.C. disintegrated in a nuclear EXPLOSION!


    Tom: Oh.


    Thomas tells Jeremy and Jenny not to worry;


    Mike: I’m sure most of those innocent civilians were jerks.


    he’ll spit them out when they get to the Canadian border, and then he’ll figure out their game plan.


    Crow: Really, I seem to be the one doing all the work here. I’m not even sure why I brought you along.


    Not to waste time, Jeremy tells Jenny he wants to have sex with her,


    Mike: Because now seems like an appropriate time, right?


    and Jenny says the feeling is mutual.


    Tom: I know nothing makes me horny more than having just watched the nuking of my hometown.


    A twelve-minute PG-13 sex scene occurs,


    Mike: Hey guys, what are you doing there in my mouth? Oh-Oh God! Why does my tongue suddenly

    feel salty?!


    while Thomas voice-overs both potty jokes and racist jokes to help pass the time.


    Mike: Hey if he’s got two people stuffed in his mouth, surely it should come out more as “Mmmph grrhmp fhmmph”?

    Crow: Oh Mike. As if we’d ever be that lucky.

    Mike: You’re right. But I can dream…


    There are also intermittent farts by Thomas, which cause Explosion!s to occur


    Mike: Same thing happened to me last time I ate at Taco Bell.


    around the sexy bods of Jeremy and Jenny. We cut back to the Pentagon,


    Crow: It’s not really a Pentagon anymore though. More a sort of… crater.


    where we see that Sgt. Tipper ran to the bathroom during the nuclear strike,


    Mike: I hear the same company who installed that bathroom also do fridges.


    and he speaks into a phone,


    Tom: I must inform the Lollipop Guild of what has occurred!


    saying the nuclear strike went according to plan.


    Crow: I said I’d get that gopher in my backyard somehow!


    A nuclear-proof helicopter flies in and, using electromagnets, attaches the bathroom to the helicopter.


    Tom: You know guys, you could probably just drop a ladder or something and- Nope, we’re doing the

    electromagnet thing are we? Okay then. I’ll just… wait in here. Wish I’d brought a magazine.


    We see the pilot of the helicopter is wearing a heavily bandaged face.


    Mike: Hey guys, you don’t think these bandages will obscure my vision while I’m flying, do you?

    Crow & Tom: *indistinct yelling* Watch out for that tree!


    The helicopter goes to a secret base inside Grand Central Station in New York City.


    Mike: Okay guys, we need a good spot for our top secret evil base. Somewhere no-one is likely to come across. Somewhere quiet and abandoned.

    Crow: How about Grand Central Station?

    Mike: I don’t think you understand the question.


    The helicopter pilot presses a remote control, and Grand Central Station flips upside down in an Explosion!,


    Mike: Oh god! I pressed the wrong button! I just meant to open a garage door!


    revealing a government base, where James and Percy are hanging out. The pilot steps out of the helicopter, and so does Sgt. Tipper.


    Tom: Phew. Good thing I’m out of that bathroom. Really, you do not want to see what I’ve been doing in there for the past three hours.


    The helicopter then promptly explodes!


    Mike: Oh god! That wasn’t supposed to happen either!

    Crow: Lucky we got out of there in time!


    The pilot demands that James spit out the President,


    Tom: You don’t know where he’s been.


    which he complies with. The pilot then tells the President he’s always hated him,


    Crow: Phantom Menace was an awful film!


    and his poor taste in women.


    Mike: That and because you ordered a drone strike on a foreign village of innocent people killing them all brutally. But mostly the women thing.


    The President asks what he means, and the pilot says that any man who employs his women with non-revealing clothing doesn’t deserve to live.


    Mike: Even for the fat or old women?

    Tom: Especially for the fat or old women!!!


    The pilot then stabs the President forty-free times


    Crow: Now is that a spelling mistake or a subtle patriotic message?

    Mike: Probably a spelling mistake.

    Tom: Yeah, it’s a Michael Bay movie. The guy thinks ‘subtlety’ is a new kind of ice cream flavour.


    in a row in a PG-13 way. The President falls to the ground,


    Crow: Ah, Liam Neeson gets shot or stabbed every other week. He’ll be fine.


    as the pilot takes off his bandages to reveal who he is.


    Tom: In hindsight, these bandages are kinda tricky to put on and off and pretty unnecessary. Maybe I should’ve just gone with a ski mask or something.


    The President gasps.


    Mike: Chuck Norris?! You crazy attention stealing bastard! Isn’t having your name first in the team-up movies enough?!



    Thomas lands in Canada, and he has terrible news for Jeremy and Jenny.


    Tom: I’m afraid they’re making a Ghost Rider 3.


    As Jeremy puts on his pants and Jenny adjusts her bikini,


    Crow: Ew. The saliva’s all sticky.

    Tom: That’s not saliva.


    Thomas tells them that thanks to inner explosions!,


    Mike: Definitely Taco Bell.


    he will be unable to go anywhere off-rail for the rest of the week. Jenny understands this, but Jeremy kicks Thomas,


    Tom: You realise he’s made of metal, right? That’s not really going to do much.


    calling him a useless piece of junk.


    Crow: I, on the other hand, have been incredibly useful throughout this whole escapade. For example, I… er… I once… er… Why did you bring me here again?


    Thomas explodes and causes a major forest fire! Jeremy, freaking out, blows on Thomas,


    Tom: And is promptly immolated, every inch of his flesh being burnt away by the intense flames, his dying screams echoing thoughout the woods.

    Mike: Our scientific genius, ladies and gentlemen!


    and he somehow able to put Thomas out.


    Tom: Or that. That works too.


    Thomas can’t believe it; Jeremy is the chosen one: The One Who Blows!



    Crow: Ah, it’s too easy.


    Jeremy, hearing his new title, promptly asks Thomas to eat him and Jenny again for more sex.


    Mike: Is that just his response to everything?

    Crow: I stubbed my toe! Can we have sex?

    Tom: A sentient train just gave me a new nickname! Can we have sex?

    Crow: My hometown has just been nuked likely killing everyone I’ve ever known or loved. Sex please!!!


    Thomas complies.


    Tom: I will go to desperate measures to make sure I don’t have to actually watch you two getting it on.


    The pilot, shot from the neck down, tells Percy to go to the Canadian border to kill Thomas,


    Crow: And also, I’ll get you next time Gadget! Next time!


    and then they can take over the world! Percy agrees, but then asks James to get him there faster, since Percy cannot get off the rails.


    Tom: In hindsight, kind of a design flaw.

    Crow: I knew we should’ve made them into bicycles instead.


    James rolls his eyes and explodes the rails that Percy is on.


    Mike: Oh god! I didn’t mean for that to happen! What have I done?!


    Percy flies through the air, landing conveniently in front of Thomas. Percy throws up Topham, but unfortunately, he’s dead.  Thomas tells Percy he’s gonna make him his b*tch,


    Mike: Can trains even procreate?

    Tom: Is that really your first question here, Mike?

    Mike: It’s the only one I expect to get an answer to.


    and Percy starts crying,


    Tom: I admit it! A Thousand Words was an awful film!


    saying he was only pretending to be reprogrammed so that way James wouldn’t explode him.


    Crow: In hindsight, maybe murdering your friend in front of you wasn’t the best way to persuade you of this.


    Thomas doesn’t believe him, and he begins an epic train fight with Percy.


    Mike: I remember the last epic train fight I saw. Well… I say train fight. More like collision. And, you know, hundreds died. It wasn’t nearly as fun.


    During the fight, we see the inside of Thomas have Jeremy and Jenny use the changing gravity to try various PG-13 sex positions.


    Tom (as Nicholas Cage): You know guys, that’s really kinda distracting. Trying to beat an evil train here.


    Thomas ends up ripping off Percy’s head,


    Mike: I guess he needed a heads up! Heh, right guys?

    Tom: Someone just died, Mike.

    Crow: You monster.


    and using it to call the U.S. Army.


    The U.S. Army promptly arrives, and yells at Thomas for killing Percy.


    Mike: Wait. Is the U.S . Army just one guy? Or are they all just like some sort of hive mind speaking at once?


    The U.S. Army says Percy was a double agent, and they wanted to hear who killed the President.


    Crow: I mean sure, it’s possible it was the homicidal rogue train engine who ate him, but what are the chances of that?


    Thomas pukes up Jeremy and Jenny, both left only in their underwear.


    Mike: This is not the most awkward thing I’ve been caught doing in my underwear.

    Crow: Or the most awkward thing I’ve puked up.

    Tom: Why is there so much saliva?


    Jenny is shocked that the President is dead, and Jeremy, in anger, demands a rocket launcher for the vengeance. He personally will kill James!


    Crow: James Blunt that is. I’ve listened to his crappy romance songs once too often! 


    The U.S. Army gives it to him,


    Tom: We regularly hand out free rocket launchers to random teenagers in their undies seeking vengeance!

    Crow: We’re the best army ever!


    and then promptly goes away.


    Mike: Yeah, sure we’ll leave the top secret weapon of mass destruction alone in the hands of two horny teens. Can’t see anything going wrong with that!


    Thomas says that according to his calculations, James will want to blow up New York City


    Tom: You know, why is always New York that’s under threat? Why does no-one ever want to blow up Old York?


    to take over the world! Jenny points out that it’s more likely James is at the Albany-Rensselaer Amtrak Station.


    Crow: No… It’s too simple!


    Thomas agrees, and so does Jeremy. (This is due to Michael Bay accidentally going over-budget for the first time ever in his life.) Jeremy then shoots the ground multiple times with the rocket launcher


    Tom: And promptly blows both his legs off.


    to get them to land at the Amtrak Station.


    Tom: Or that.


    At the Amtrak Station, James has appeared there with absolutely no explanation.


    Crow: Well, you don’t know that there’s no reason.

    Tom: Yeah, maybe there’s a really good coffee joint there?

    Mike: Do trains even drink coffee?

    Tom: Well, they need their caffeine intake somehow, Mike.


    Thomas lands and demands to fight James.


    Mike: But, you know, only if you’re okay with it.


    They have an epic battle that lasts an entire half hour, intercut with shots of Jeremy


    Tom: I’m completely superfluous to this entire plot!


    and Jenny


    Crow: And I have boobs!


    looking attractive. Finally though, Thomas derails James,


    Tom: You know he can fly right?


    and Thomas says that since he killed the human’s leader,


    Mike: He’s aware that the President of America doesn’t lead the entire human race, right?

    Tom: It’s a Michael Bay movie.

    Mike: Never mind.


    a human shall kill him.


    Crow: Irony, thy name is giant sentient train.


    James just laughs, saying that he didn’t kill the President. Thomas doesn’t believe him and Jeremy picks up the rocket launcher, says “Choo-choo, Motherf-”, shoots the missile,


    Mike: Wait, I was just about to finish my cure for cancer!


    exploding James


    Crow: Tell my seven adopted children I love them!


    into a million pieces.


    Tom: Which immediate skewer Jeremy, turning his organs to jelly and stripping the blood and flesh from his bones!

    Mike: Wow. You really want that guy dead, don’t you Tom?

    Tom: More than you can imagine.


    Thomas goes back to his narration about how awesome he is, being the only ENGINE still around. With Topham dead, no other ENGINE can be built.


    Mike: In hindsight, maybe we should’ve made some sort of notes or blueprints in case something like this happened. Or at least told someone else about them.

    Crow: We are terrible scientists.


    Thomas explains that after the death of the President, they found the Vice President


    Tom: There and there and there and there. His nose is stuck beneath a fridge.


    in a New York City hospital recovering from burns.


    Crow: That’s completely unrelated to the explosion. He just tried watching Reign of Fire. And then immolated himself.


    The Vice President leaves the hospital, which explodes behind him.


    Mike: Someone overcooked a jacket potato again.


    As he is sworn in at the New York Public Library (since the White House has nuclear radiation still,)


    Mike: That and, you know, it was slightly atomised.


    he smiles, happy how life as gone.


    Tom: I’m in charge of a highly destabilised country whose capital city has been nuked and is quickly

    sinking into chaos and panic. Life is good.


    However, when he gets in a limo afterwards, he calls up someone, saying that he’s the President now.


    Mike: Really, you probably should already know this without me telling you. I mean there was like a big ceremony just a few minutes ago. Probably a few TV cameras around too.


    A garbled voice at the other end says that they can now move onto Phase 2,


    Crow: Aww. But Thor: The Dark World was awful!


    since the Vice President killed the President.


    Tom: In hindsight, maybe it would’ve been easier just to chuck a missile at him. This plan was kinda



    The Vice President laughs maniacally, but then jumps out the limo as it explodes.


    Mike: Oh god! That wasn’t supposed to happen either! And I still haven’t finished paying that off!


    Thomas continues with his narration, talking about how the Vice President seems like a cool guy,


    Crow: And totally isn’t evil. Totally.


    but he prefers hanging out with Jeremy and Jenny more.


    Mike: Really? Why? I’ve met plants with more personality than them.


    Jenny has finally changed out of the bikini; she is now wearing a sports bra.


    Crow: I can barely recognise her.


    Jeremy uses Thomas for his engineering class,


    Tom: Could the giant sentient train at the back of the classroom please keep it down?


    and everything is happy.


    Mike: Millions are dead and the country is in chaos! Good times!


    Thomas says that this is his curse; this is his gift. Who is he? He’s Thomas, the Tank Engine!


    Crow: Who?

    Mike: God damn it, Crow!


    The credits, set to Linkin Park's original song "Shut Up and Freight," begin with an EXPLOSION!


    Mike: Well, that was certainly something.


    Liam Neeson: Well, I didn't think it was that bad.


    Mike: Gasp! Oscar Winner and Legend of Cinema Liam Neeson! What are you doing here?


    Liam Neeson: Well, I just arrived to drop off a birthday present for my son Crow!


    Crow: Daddy!


    Mike: Okay, that raises a ton of questions, but let me rephrase my first one. How did you get here? We're in space!


    Liam Neeson: Oh Mike! I'm Liam Neeson! Of course I can breath in space!


    Tom: So what did you present did you get, Crow?


    (Crow opens the present. Somehow.)


    Crow: Gasp! It's my very own bra! (places it on head) And it fits perfectly! (Bra explodes)


    Mike: Anyway... Mr Neeson, I'd love for you stay a while.


    Liam Neeson: I'd love to Mike, but I need to return to Earth. I've just been signed to star in every action movie this year. 


    Tom: Well, goodbye.


    Crow: Yeah, see ya dad.


    Mike: Wait no! Take me with you! It's hell up here!


    Liam Neeson: Sorry Mike. Got to go.


    (Liam jumps offscreen and loud crash is heard followed by lots of wind.)


    Mike: Did Liam Neeson just punch through our airlock?


    Tom: Looks like he did.


    Crow: Yeah, he does that.


    Mike: Well then. While we try to avoid being pumped out into space, this is Mike Nelson from the Satellite of Love, signing off.


    Theaters: 2209
    MPAA Rating: PG-13
    Budget: $100,000k

    Edited by Rukaio Alter
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    5 centimeters per second


    Director: Zoe Kazan
    Genre: Romantic Drama
    Date: June 7


    Composer: Hans Zimmer

    Budget: $30M

    MPAA Rating:  PG-13

    Theaters: 2800

    Run time: 110min




    The movie begins with a montage involving our main character, Takaki. The first thing we see in that montage is him waking up and lazily getting ready for school. We then see him walking towards school alone, his eyes glued on a book, while around him, we see numerous groups of friends talking, laughing and even a few mentioning how excited they are to go back to school. We then see him spend his breaks reading instead of talking to his classmates or going outside. As we see him read his book during one break, we notice a young girl sitting at the other side of the class, looking over at him.


    A few seconds later she stands up and comes over to his desk. She starts talking to him by introducing herself first. Takaki looks up from his somewhat confused when he hears the girl introduce herself as Akari. He looks at her for a few moments before apologizing and saying he’s never seen her before. She laughs and says that she just transferred into his class because of her parent’s job. He nods and says he hadn’t noticed her and she says that it’s acceptable seeing the book he was reading required a lot of attention. He asks her if she’s read the book, and she says that she did and that she liked it a lot. He then realizes he hadn’t introduced himself and does so. She then says she’s sorry for interrupting him and starts heading back to her desk, but he stops her, saying it’s alright since he just finished the chapter anyway. She sits down and they both start talking.


    We then see another montage with them talking every day, becoming friends and growing very close. They talk about books, movies, TV series, anime, manga and so on. We also find out that the reason Takaki doesn’t go out too often is because he has many allergies and Akari mentions she knows how it is, but that’s not the reason she chooses to stay inside, but because she hasn’t gotten the chance to meet too many people around here and that she finds it really strange to go somewhere where there are only groups of friends while you are alone.


    We see them go together to school every morning, and leaving it together in the afternoon. Takaki also becomes more social when around Akira, and so does she. We then see one scene with them sitting in the park, underneath a blossoming cherry tree. They both look up at its beauty and then one blossom falls to the ground and that’s when Akari mentions she read somewhere that blossoms fall at 5 centimeters per second. Another scene depicts them spending one evening outside to look at the night sky.


    The first school semester ends. One evening, Takaki is sitting at his desk, reading. He hears a knock on his window and looks towards it, only to see Akari there. He grabs a jacket and heads outside. As he exits the house, we hear thunder roaming in the distance as a storm is approaching. He finds Akari waiting, a sad expression on her face. A running car is parked in front of the house, waiting for Akari. Takaki asks if everything is alright. Akari says it isn’t and then proceeds to explain that her father got offered an even bigger job at the same company, and that the job required them to move to another city. She mentions that her father already left to arrange everything and that she and her mother would leave in the morning.


    Akari gives him a piece of paper with her address written on it, and asks Takaki to promise her he would send her letters. Takaki is still shocked and doesn’t reply. She apologizes and says that they’ll stay in touch, then turns around, wanting to leave. She suddenly turns around and hugs him tightly, asking him to promise her that he’ll write. He manages to mumble ‘I promise’. The car honks and they split. She gets inside the car and it drives off as rain starts pouring, Takaki still standing there, shocked.

    We see another montage that shows Takaki going back to how he was before. He starts going to school alone, reading all the way, and just like before, he stays in class, also reading. We see that the only thing he keeps doing despite being on his own, is go to the park and sit on the bench underneath the tree he and Akari always sat.


    At the end of the year, when Takaki finishes middle school, he finds out that he’s been accepted into one of the best high schools in the country, which is at the other end of it. He plans to travel there by train, but also take a small detour and go visit Akari for a day. We see him send off a letter in which he wrote the date and time they would meet in the city’s train station.


    He gets on the train and then there is a long montage of him sitting in the train, time passing, with a voice over of the letters he and Akari exchanged since she moved. Each letter starts with the date it’s been written and sent. The first few letters are exchanged over a short period. Akari’s letters talk how hard it is to get used to a new school so soon and how much she misses him, while Takaki’s letters talk about much he misses her too and how he went back to being pretty much unsociable. He also mentions the tree that became a cherry tree and Akari mentions that there is a similar tree to that one in the city she lives: always wonderful to look at when it blossoms, in its bright pink. Then, the letters become rarer and rarer, with the last few ones talking about high school choices, with Akari mentioning she tries to get in somewhere close to the city where she lives, while Takaki mentions how he hopes to end up in a good high school.


    The voice over stops when we Takaki check his time, only to see it is 1PM. They had planned to meet at 7PM the same day, but we hear the train conductor announce the train will have a short delay because of a snow storm that is taking place. We see this happening a lot, with more and more trains being delayed by snow storms. We see Takaki in the train at 7PM on the dot, with him mentioning in voice over that he still was five stations away from her Akari’s city. He then takes out a sealed letter that has Akari’s name written on it and through voice over we find out that he wrote everything in that letter. How he felt about her, what he thought about the time they spent together and how much he would miss her during high school. He mentions that the end of the letter he said he hoped they would be able to meet one day and be together again. Time passes and each train is even more delayed, causing other trains to stop and wait for the other one to pass.


    We then see him waiting for the last train he needs to get on. This train station is situated just outside a city, and is barely illuminated. We see Takaki sitting against a stone pillar, trying to shield himself from the cold wind. He realizes he’s hungry and looks around. He sees a vending machine and heads towards it. He wants to remove money from his pocket and does so, but accidentally pulls out the letter too. It gets picked up by the strong wind and flies over the tracks, into the darkness. He looks at it, tears gathering in his eyes, before turning around and punching the vending machine.


    We then cut to him arriving at the city’s station where Akari lived. It was 5 AM and through voice over we hear him say that he hopes Akari went home instead of waiting for him. He goes into the waiting area and sees Akari standing there, desperately trying to warm herself up. At first, he freezes but then he asks ‘Akari?’ and she looks up. They hug and say how much they missed each other.


    They decide to go for a walk since morning was close anyway, and they do. We see them walk on paths that go through parks covered in snow, and sometimes large empty areas just with snow. They have a lot of fun, making snowballs, pushing each other in the snow. In the end, they arrive next to tree that hasn’t bloomed (DUH, IT’S WINTER). Akari tells him how this tree is exactly like the one back at home, and then asks Takaki if he remembers which one she is talking about. He remembers, and even says he remembers what she told him back then, how leafs fall at the speed of 5 centimeters per second. She smiles and they look at each other. They kiss.


    We hear Takaki say how sorry he felt from the moment he kissed her, knowing that this moment would soon end once and forever and that this was the only time this happened. He said he already regretted doing that to himself and to Akari.


    We then cut to the next morning, a few hours later, when Akari and Takaki are waiting for the train Takaki is supposed to take. They wait together, holding hands. The train then pulls into the station and they split. He gets on the train and stays next to the door, looking at Akari through the window. She is close to crying. The train then pulls off and they look at each other, without waving or saying anything. They just look at each other, knowing too well it was the last time they’d see each other.


    We then cut to two years later. We see Takaki shooting his bow at a few targets. From behind, we see a girl slowly coming towards him and greeting. Without turning around he also greets her, calling her Kanae. She tries to talk to him more but his answers are really short and right to the subject, not giving space for any conversation. After she leaves, we see him pick up a couple knives and throw them furiously at the target.


    We then cut to later that same day, late in the evening. We see Kanae returning from the beach, where she is surfing, and stop near the bike parking lot, where she parked the bike she uses to travel here and back home. She looks carefully and sees there are two bikes left: hers and Takaki’s. She goes behind the building and waits until she hears footsteps, at which point she comes out and greets Takaki. He greets her back and suggests that they head back home together.


    They do so and even stop at a store on their way there. She guys a can of soda which she puts in her purse before continuing their way. We then see a montage of Kanae trying to get Takaki’s attention. She liked him and she couldn’t understand why he didn’t realize that. In that montage we see that he is often on his phone, sending text messages.


    We then cut to one evening when she returns to the parking lot and sees that his bike is already gone. She sighs and gets on her bike. As she drives home, she notices Takaki’s bike parked at the edge of the road, in the middle of an empty field. She stops and goes to look for him. She eventually finds him on a hill, sitting down and looking at the night sky. Once again, he is texting. She asks him what he is doing, saying that she saw his bike and was worried for him and that’s why she checked. He thanked her for being concerned and that’s when we see the text he was writing. It was addressed to Akari and talked about what he did that day. A voice over from him says that he’d never thought he would write so many text messages to no one. That’s when he deletes the message without sending it. He then invites Kanae to sit with him and look at the night sky. We see an amazing shot of the Milky Way.


    That’s when Kanae tells him that she likes him and asks him if he knew, to which he said yes. She sighs and says that whoever she is, she is extremely lucky and that she kind of got the idea that whatever he was looking for, it was beyond what she could offer. She stands up and bids good night to him. Takaki still says there and we see, through flashbacks, that he had recurring dreams of the night spent with Akari two years ago.


    We then cut to a few years later again. We see that Takaki has become a computer programmer in Tokyo. We see him work at home, the window behind the PC screen open. A blossom flies in on his desk and he suddenly stops typing on his keyboard. He looks at the blossom for a few seconds before we suddenly cut to him leaving the house. He walks through the falling blossoms and is reminded of the day she told him the most random, yet the most memorable thing ever: that blossoms fall at 5 centimeters per second.


    He goes back home and has another dream with Akari that night. Takaki falls into a depression that ultimately leads to him quitting his job. We then cut to Akari in a train, talking to her parents. They tell her to be careful in Tokyo and that they’ll miss her, to which she says that they’ll see each other in a couple of weeks anyway, at her wedding.


    A dual narration starts with both Akari and Takaki mentioning the night they spent together those years back as being the best night of their lives, and that one day they hoped they could watch the cherry blossoms again.


    The last scene of the movie depicts Takaki walking through Tokyo. He reaches a train crossing and passes it. A woman passes the same crossing from the opposite direction. They keep walking until they get off the crossing, at which point they both stop and turn around just when the train passes. Takaki keeps watching until after the train passes, at which point Akari had already left. He smiles to himself and then moves on.

    Edited by ChD
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    Untitled horror film

    Date: 7 June

    Genre: Horror

    Theatres: 3,570

    Rating: R

    Budget: 9M

    Studio: Millennium Films

    Director: James DeMonaco


    Ethan Hawke

    Lena Headey

    Perdita Weeks

    Zoey Deutch


    Edited by Films
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    Bad Moms


    Date: 10 May

    Theatres: 3,783

    Genre: Comedy

    Rating: PG-13

    Budget: 47M

    Studio: Millennium Films

    Director: Amy Heckerling

    Scriptwriter: Tina Fey


    Alicia Silverstone

    Zoe Saldana

    Rose Byrne

    Melissa McCarthy

    Alison Janney

    Samanca Lowton

    Anna Sophia-Robb

    Zoey Deutch

    Emma Roberts

    Lily Collins
    Chris Messina

    Lake Bell

    Tina Fey


    Plot: Coming Soon

    Edited by The Fault In Our Stars
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    Me & My Shadow
    Director: Chris Williams
    Genre: Animation (CGI/2D Blend)/Fantasy/Comedy
    Date: April 12th
    Theaters: 3,807
    Cast: Miles Teller (Sam), Bo Burnham (Shadow Sam), Brie Larson (Frances), Sam Rockwell (Shadow Hale), Will Forte (Daniel Hale), Allison Janney (Linda), Jane Lynch (Lieutenant Wisp), Gillian Jacobs (Shadow Frances), 

    Composer: Jon Brion
    Runtime: 106min (1hr, 46min)
    Rating: PG for comic mischief, mild language, and an alcohol reference
    Budget: $145 million
    NOTE: The shadows in this movie are animated in 2D, reacting with their CGI environment in many ways, such as being projected against walls or in the grass. The scenes of shadows controlling humans are made to look very slapstick and non-frightening at all.


    OVERVIEW: A college student uncovers a secret world of the shadows connected to all of humanity, thanks to the revelation of his own shadow's personality. Sam's shadow had violated the cardinal rule of shadows in revealing himself, however, and he finds himself in a bizarre new life, eventually determining the fate of shadow and human relations.




    The movie begins at a community park, with several people enjoying the open air and playing. An ice cream truck comes by, and, of course, all of the children flock to the van. In particular, we see one kid, around 9 years old, in brown hair with glasses, Sam, whose parents give him a few dollars for ice cream. We hear his mother, Linda, tell him to give her the change when she gets back. “Thanks, mom!” Sam gleefully says as he runs to the truck. As Sam is about to order, he notices a girl with black hair who dropped her ice cream crying. Sam is about to order, until a voice yells at him, “Hey! Sam! Get her the ice cream!” Sam looks around, confused in the lack of a clear source of the voice. We soon see that Sam’s shadow, a 2-D representation of himself, is talking against the side of the truck, “It’s classic chivalry! She’ll like you!” Sam keeps looking around, annoying those still in line, until he smiles and asks the ice cream truck owner for two popsicles. He takes one and gives her the other. The girl becomes excited and thanks her, introducing herself as Frances. Sam tells her that she has a cute dress, panicking a little, and eventually running off out of shyness. As he runs, his shadow also runs with him, rolling his eyes as Sam keeps running.




    We see a college campus, Avery University, and several groups of students coming into campus. We see a 19-year old Sam, moving into his sophomore year. Linda is helping him to move into his new dorm room, having comical mood swings as she tries to grapple with her baby surviving at college, even though Sam assures her that he already did so a year ago. Linda and Sam glance at each other, with Linda telling her son to have an awesome year, take new risks, and ensure that she’ll have grandchildren. Sam chuckles, but Linda assures her seriousness. Linda says a quick, “Love you, bye!” and leaves Sam with his new friends. Until Finnegan assures that he is joking. Linda sees that Sam will be just fine with his new friend, although she does cry when outside of the hall. Sam assures some concerned students moving in that she’s often like this whenever they leave each other.


    The first day of classes arrives, while Sam feels a little lonely with his former best friend having transferred to a new school. His first class The Science and Theory of Urban Legends, taught by a fairly good looking professor, Daniel Hale. A few teenage girls near the front mark for high hotness on a professor rating site, swooning along the way. Hale introduces the class to his topic, where he will discuss how and why urban legends and theories spread, and their effects on people. The first theory they discuss is how a generation of children in the 1950s was coerced into being good by being warned that whenever they disobeyed their parents, their shadows would come to life and take full control of them. The class erupts into laughter, but Hale assures them that children really did listen to this advice. Granted, they are children, and can be easily fooled. “But it’s all true!” a whisper calls out. Several students are confused, especially Sam, as the voice came from beneath him. Sam, feeling in a more awkward spot than ever, looks around. He gets up to look on his seat, finding nothing there. Another student whispers to him, “I don’t know how to put this lightly, but your rear end is able to speak.”


    Hale asks Sam if there’s something he would like to share with the class. Sam begins to stutter, struggling to find a response for the situation. “It’s true that....kids really do believe everything!” Hale points out his agreement, but asks that he does not interrupt him again. Sam sits back down, feeling embarrassed. After class ends, Sam comes up to Professor Hale, apologizing for his outburst, but asking if he would believe that it didn’t come from him. Hale is unsure, asking why he apologized then. Sam struggles to explain, but someone else tried to speak, and the voice came from his location. Hale suggests that maybe it was his shadow, and the myth is real after all. The two share a laugh, as Sam’s shadow, on the floor and out of sight, sighs in relief.  Later that evening, Sam runs into a group of students in the improv and skit-based comedy troupe, Laugh Attack, which is holding auditions that night. He meets a girl named Frances, one of the players in the Laugh Attack company, who does some humorous PR to get him to sign up for audition. Sam suddenly realizes that this looks a great deal like the Frances he saw as a child, but says nothing. Frances notices Sam in a trance, trying to snap him out, but Sam quickly signs up and runs off.


    Sam goes him to the audition, while talking to Linda on his cell phone, who is highly for the idea. He questions to himself why he’s doing this, since he would never ever have done this last year, but Linda relaxes him, saying that life’s no fun if you don’t try new things every once in a while. Sam goes along, waiting outside of the place for his audition. He eventually gets to go in, meeting his council of judges. One of which is Frances, who is very happy that he made it. “I told you that last minute PR never fails!” she whispers to another judge. Sam takes a deep breath, and all of the sudden, performs an insanely incredible audition. The judges, including Frances, are amazed at the now out of breath Sam, and they say that they will let him know the feedback in two days. Sam is feeling jazzed, amazed at how well he did. Frances invites Sam to get some bubble tea with some of the cast members, and Sam graciously accepts, saying that he’ll meet them there after he takes a quick break at his dorm room. Sam heads back, still feeling happy and eventually crashing in a chair. Sam takes a quick breather, feeling somewhat tired, until he hears the same voice from the lecture call out, “Hey, Sam!” Sam looks around, eventually turning to the wall. Sam’s shadow, in a 2D representation of him, calls out, “You’re welcome.”


    Sam freaks out, while his shadow asks him to calm down, saying that when he freaks out, he technically is as well, at least in the physical sense. Sam, almost abruptly calms down. The shadow is happy, saying that he will now release him from his control, only for the real Sam to freak out again. This repeats for a few times. Sam eventually comes to his senses, and his shadow, believing himself to owe Sam an explanation, obliges. As it turns out, shadows are actually fully sentient, and they are always attached to a person, somehow mentally connected. This is going to take a while, to explain, so he persuades Sam to come with him for a walk outside. Sam complies, texting Frances that he’s going to be a while. Sam’s shadow begins to control Sam to walk outside, managing some comically over the top steps along the way. Shadow Sam, as Sam decides to call him confidently, explains a few things by making chalk drawings on the diag. Shadows almost never take control of their human vessels, but they must stay attached at all times. Shadows can also move around freely as long as they remain attached to their humans. At night time, shadows tend to separate from their humans and go out on their own to Shadow Central, a land completely un-viewable by humans. He would describe it, but it would probably cause his mind to bleed. However, Shadow Sam decides to stick with Sam for the night, saying that he probably shouldn’t go out. Shadow Sam eventually confesses that he may have broken the single most important rule for shadows.


    Sam becomes somewhat confused and furious, asking why he took control of him at the audition if it violated the rule of shadows. Shadow Sam asks for some credit, as he got a great audition, and he recognized Lucy’s face. Sam shakes his head, trying to run into darkness from the lit up diag, but the voice still remains, and even in the darkness, Shadow Sam’s eyes are still on the grass. Sam says that he’s slowly losing his mind, and none of this is happening, wondering if someone slipped something in his coffee. Sam suddenly comes to his senses, realizing that Frances is still waiting for him. Sam tells his shadow to stay by him, but not to cause any (more) chaos. He doesn’t need to have anything more freakish going on. “Speaking of which, I might just go head off to Shadow Central now. See you tomorrow!” Sam, standing in the dark and failing to stop him, witnesses as his shadow disappears into the night. “Sorry, we’re required to go here every night. It’s not really my call, dude.” Sam, still feeling confused, walks to the bubble tea cafe, realizing how late he is. We then find out that Professor Hale was watching from afar, feeling shocked at what he just witnessed. “Did he just...?!?!” We also see his shadow, another 2D representation, whispering in fear, “Whoa, boy, he did,” and slide off into the night.


    Sam gets to the Bubble Tea joint, a fairly spiffy place decorated with cute Japanese plush toys, and he meets everyone. He apologizes to them for being late, explaining that he’s been having a fairly long day. Frances laughs, saying that they just got here as well. They eventually enjoy some bubble tea, as Sam holds off on explaining things.  Frances smiles and formally introduces herself, going through the basic routine that most college meet and greets seem to go. They also say that they had the chance to talk, and they won’t be sending Sam through callbacks. They’re putting him right in the cast. Sam lets out a cheer of excitement, until Frances tells him that they need to meet them at midnight for a blood oath and initiation. Frances whips out her arm and shows a scar on it. Sam cringes, but Frances laughs at her joke, removing the scar as a fake. They all laugh, but Sam notices Frances’s shadow on the ground looks down in shyness. Sam soon says that he was just zoning out into space, and that the lack of sleep is really getting to him. Frances decides to let him go, saying that they’ll talk later. Sam does go to bed, saying that he just needs a clear head from some sleep. “Who would think that talking shadows are real?”


    The screen goes to darkness as Shadow Sam, now a grey-purple silhouette, enters from an alleyway to a giant, vibrant town square, Shadow Central. Everything, consisting mainly of cafes, some dark-colored greenery, and a large building near the center for Shadow Control, is in 2-D animation and tinted with blue, gray, and purple, and nothing casts a shadow. It’s so 2D that everything is literally on a 2D plane, as if it were Super Mario Brothers. Shadows walk around, telling crazy stories about what their humans were up to today and the crazy rides they all went on. Sam laughs at various stories, but he tries to stay out of sight, as he’s worried that someone may have witnessed his act. Shadow Sam shrugs it off, deciding not to worry, instead wondering about what some of the improv kids’ shadows look like, immediately jumping back to his plan to flee, and becoming annoyed with his indecisiveness. Meanwhile, at the top floor of Shadow Control, we see a woman in a military uniform, Lt. Wisp, at the top behind her desk. We see Hale’s shadow take an elevator to the top floor, announcing his plan to meet with Lieutenant Wisp, the head of shadow-human relations and a strict enforcer of the human-shadow separation. Wisp turns to her new guest, welcoming Shadow Hale with a scowl.


    “I frankly have no idea how you got clearance to see me, but you can just make your point and go. I have an entire planet of shadows where one move could mess up the entire system.” Shadow Hale explains that just that could happen, as for the first time in 9 years, a shadow has violated the golden rule. Wisp asks if he’s to believe a shadow who just randomly waltz into her office and tell her that someone would just break the golden rule with no other reports. Hale asks that she at least begin an investigation in Avery University. Wisp pauses for a moment and gets a call that a shadow from Region 241, the area where Avery is located, is behaving fairly suspiciously and has now left the shadow world. Wisp slams the phone down, saying that she may stand corrected. She orders Hale to keep an eye out for Sam, and that she will try to find him at any cost.


    The next day, Sam wakes up in his dorm room. “Good news, Sam, all of this was a dream! Your life is perfectly fine!” Sam smiles at how excellent that is, only to realize that his shadow said it. Shadow Sam begs for his human to let him control him for just a day, and that he’ll be careful not to get caught. Sam insists that his answer is no, but his shadow begs for just one hour even, making a cute pouty face. Sam rolls his eyes, asking what he has planned. We cut to Sam in fairly vintage clothing, walking down the diag to class and looking fairly cool and classy. “I hate you,” Sam whispers under his breath. Sam arrives to his next class, the same lecture for urban myths, and he wants to speak with Professor Hale afterwards. His shadow asks him not too, saying that he’s heard some pretty scary things about Hale’s shadow, but Sam says that he’s not letting him get the best of him this time. After class ends, we see Sam struggle to get to his professor, pulled back by his shadow but trying to move forward on his own will. Shadow Sam pleads “Just go back up! I can’t talk to him now!” Sam says that he should of thought of that when he spoke up in class. “What, I was just whispering!” Hale, a bit confused by his student’s awkward walk down the lecture hall staircase, greets him, as Shadow Hale is smiling, about to call on Wisp. Sam is then pulled back up the stairs and out the door in a rapid and ridiculous manner, much to the confusion of all witnesses.


    Sam runs into a bathroom stall and yells at his shadow for preventing him from talking to Hale. Shadow Sam insists that he had no other option, as he realizes that Hale may have witnessed their conversation on the diag last night. He saw him as he was going away to the shadow world, and Lieutenant Wisp is going to find him soon and perform severance. “Wait...wait...who’s Lieutenant Wisp, and why does that name sound so adorable?” Shadow Sam sighs, explaining everything. We cut to a 80s style action montage of Lt. Wisp in action. She is the gatekeeper of shadows and humans, and one of the strictest separatists there is. The one moment she hears of a shadow breaking the golden role, she jumps into action and takes care of it in a flash using a process called severance. No one knows what it is, but no shadow comes out of it alive. Also, as the leader of the shadow world, she has no connection to the shadow world, giving nothing to weigh her down. “The abridged version, you don’t want to mess with her, and I might have done just that. Please just help me out and we’ll be fine.” Sam is still taking all of this in, but he’s still yet to be proven wrong.



    A montage goes by of the day, with the shadows of several students and faculty, while still attached to their real life counterparts, begin to spread the news about Sam and how he broke the golden rule of shadowkind, and that he’ll have to answer to Lieutenant Wisp soon. Wisp, meanwhile, has found Avery University, and she conducts a private investigation around the various walls that border campus, but she struggles to find him still, as the campus is very large, and is already located close to Washington DC, where crowds of people are gathered with their shadows every day. The crowds are big, and shadows often try to step through her. It’s all too much for her to take, but she continues his investigation, deciding to pay Hale a visit.


    Meanwhile, Sam is off to their first rehearsal for Laugh Attack, excited to see Frances again. At a small black box theater, everyone is already gathered and rehearsing their scenes. Frances, feeling a little more flustered, goes to greet them again. Frances welcomes them, saying that their first show, The Eccentric Blinds of Bowling Lane, is already in three weeks, but the process of rehearsing comedy is fairly odd, as a lot of it happens on the spot. Frances laughs, saying that the idea is just to wing it. First, they need to make sure their comedic timing is right, putting them through a few improv scenarios. Sam begins to falter at first, much to the disappointment of Frances. “Come on, Sam, you can do so much better, I even saw you do it at the audition!” Frances cries out to Sam as he continues to struggle. Sam, eventually coming to his senses, at least thinking that he does, begins to hit the crowd home with a lot of great jokes. “That’s more like it!” Frances smiles. The rehearsal eventually ends, and Sam is given an invitation to Frances’s place the weekend before the show to watch a terrible movie marathon. Sam says yes without even thinking, feeling completely lovestruck, soon coming to his senses and just saying that he would like to go. After Sam leaves, Frances's Shadow whispers to herself, "He does seem nice, but....I don't know. Maybe he's not like Matt."


    After leaving the rehearsal, Sam looks behind him, wanting to talk to his shadow. “Did you take control of me again?” Shadow Sam nods, “Of course! You've still got some ways to go in your comedy, and I won’t intervene all of the time. You've gotta find a lot of this inside yourself. Just believe, you know? Those messages they taught in, like, every movie you saw as a kid?” Sam rolls his eyes, saying that this isn’t really the place for faux motivation. Shadow Sam, seeing what the situation calls for, initiates a series of training for his comedic routine over the next few weeks. Meanwhile, we see Hale doing work in his office, while his shadow complains that he almost caught Sam and his shadow that day, but his shadow probably saw them. “We’ve gotta find another way to trap him, and emotional wreckage would be a plus as well.” Hale asks what the sound was, but his shadow goes silent, knowing that he won’t play double standards. After Hale decides to take a nap in his chair, we see a shadow slip under the closed door and suddenly stand right up behind Hale, much to the nerve of his shadow. It’s Wisp.


    Wisp asks how things have been, appearing casual at first, but eventually asking about Sam. “Well, you see, we almost caught him, but I think that his shadow might be on to us, and he’s now probably going to avoid us for a long time.” Wisp becomes annoyed, but admits through clenched teeth that not everyone has what it takes to be a shadow detective. Wisp suddenly gets the idea to look around for someone else as a trap for Sam, as his shadow is surprisingly smart. She then sees a photo of student life on Hale’s computer and notices a picture of the new Laugh Attack Company. In it, Sam is standing close to Frances. Wisp focuses on Frances and gives a sinister smile. “Meet me at Shadow Central tonight, Hale, I think we found Sam’s special someone.”


    Through a montage, Sam slowly begins to build his skills with the help of his shadow in a variety of situations, including a gym (for physical comedy), the city streets, and even the dining hall. We also see him practice with Sam and Frances, who continue to share some fun experiences and take up increasingly non-sequitur small talk on topics from skit ideas to bizarre fruits. At the end of the montage, Sam thanks his shadow for all of the help, and the two just relax together in his room. “You know, I’ve never met anyone like you,” Sam said with a smile.  “I get the feeling that, well, you understand me better than anyone.” “Well, I technically am you, so take that as you will. We’re all just crazy shadow people, it may seem to you, but there’s a reason we’re with who we are. I don’t know how the connections are made, but it feels like we’re always there.” Sam smiles, wondering if everyone really does have a shadow. They do, it turns out, and even animals have them as well. “It’s pretty crazy, but there’s something that just feels so right about the craziness in the world.” Shadow Sam says, “I’m sorry I’ve been a bit of a pain, but I promise that things are going to get a lot better. We’ll just help each other along.” Sam thanks his shadow, making one last request on what to wear for the movie marathon, which is happening tomorrow.


    Shadow Sam heads off again for Shadow Central, and he continues to stay out of sight, until he notices something special: the shadow of Frances. Shadow Frances is much shyer and asks to be left alone, but Shadow Sam just wants to talk to her, as their humans may have a little spark of romance. Shadow Frances really doesn’t want to talk, and she just leaves Sam, who sadly gets the memo. Shadow Frances continues to walk along, until he’s spotted by Shadow Hale, who grabs her and takes her to Shadow Control. “Stop! Put me down! I’m not a slave of the system! Et cetera! Et cetera!” Hale then tells her that she did nothing wrong, but she needs to find someone who did. They are taken to Wisp’s office, where she interrogates Frances, demanding to know more about Sam, threatening to sever her if she doesn't tell all she knows. Frances eventually breaks and tells them about the movie party, feeling bad about selling Sam out, but knowing that he broke a vital rule in the shadow world. Wisp is happy with the new information, giving her a special whistle that will get her attention so that she can get to Sam. Frances tries to find a way around it, but Wisp reminds her of her potential punishment. Frances then sighs.


    The next day comes, and Sam comes to Frances’s movie party, dressed in fairly cool, hipster-esque clothing, which Frances promptly complements. Her place is decorated with Horizon Travelers merchandise, a Star Trek-esque show that Lucy adores. They have a great time watching movies with terrible acting and visual effects, while Sam gets a moment to talk to Frances. Sam knows that this may sound silly, but he remembers her from the ice cream accident all those years ago. Lucy blinks, saying that she has no idea what he’s talking about. Sam suddenly goes blank, but Lucy chuckles, saying that she’s a fresh face, and he appreciates the act of kindness on behalf of whatever over Frances is out there. The two decide to look at the stars and talk a bit, and Frances decides to be honest with Sam about something. “I know I try to act open and extroverted, but, as stupid as it sounds, a part of me really just prefers being alone. I love all of you in the club, but I just feel like this comedy is a good outlet for me to feel not as afraid, but I just don’t always feel up to it.” She goes on to explain that she had a boyfriend in High School, Matt, that she was able to keep thanks to her perky personality, but she always felt like she wasn't being authentic around him. When Matt saw more of her, he dumped her, deciding that it wouldn't work. "I just wish I could be with someone I can be honest to. Maybe that's why we fall in love in the first place." Sam tells her that it’s okay, and says that she doesn't need to let herself be known to the world, but maybe just someone you can trust. Shadow Sam, meanwhile, is trying to get Shadow Frances’s attention, but Frances is being evasive. Shadow Frances eventually sighs, apologizing to Shadow Sam just as the real Sam is about to say that he loves Frances.


    The whistle sounds, and it is fairly shrill and echoes, almost like a Native American instrument. Wisp soon comes in with a squadron of mysterious “shadow officers,” the shadows of world leaders who work for Wisp, on the force of Shadow Control. Wisp goes up to Sam, grabbing him, which effectively lifts Sam up in the air as well. Wisp looks to Sam and Frances, both of which have their expressions of shock and confusion, and says, “Let this be a lesson, kids, no one who breaks the rules ever makes it out clean.” Wisp rips Sam’s Shadow off of his feet, and the human and shadow are officially separated. “We’ll deal with you two later, but now we’ve got a fairly important matter to attend to with this one. I hope to see you again soon.” The shadows disappear into the night, and Sam and Frances, are left alone in the lit up diag, while Sam realizes that he now has no shadow. Frances’s shadow controls her, and she runs off, with some shadowy tears in her eyes as well. Sam is thrown into a jail cell in Shadow Central, and he is told by Wisp that he better hope that help comes to him, as there’s a 99.9999% chance that his severance will happen in just a few days.



    Sam wakes up the next day in his dorm room, realizing that his shadow is still missing, and he tries to think about what to do, and how crazy his pursuit is going to be. He decides not to do anything, as he’s still not convinced that this was all in his head. The next few days go by, and Sam is low on spirit, affecting his class performance and his improv skills. Frances tries to talk to him, but he never feels like it. Frances asks why he’s acting like this, and perhaps if it is caused by his shadow. Sam nods, but Frances says that she doesn’t know what to say. “We’ve never been in a situation like this, but whatever happens to Sam’s shadow, he’ll still be as okay as he was when he didn’t know him. I’m still just getting over the fact that most of grade school science had been based on a lie.” Frances walks away, feeling disappointed, but Sam is left to his own devices. Sam notices Frances’s shadow say, “I’ll fix this.”


    Lucy is studying for a French test, using her smartphone as a tool for flash cards. Someone calls out for Frances, but no one is at the door. She looks around the room and eventually finds her shadow on the wall. “Well....looks like my secret’s out.” Frances screams for a moment, but it’s a scream of joy. “This is incredible! It’s like I’m living out some fantastical comedy premise but in the real world! I’m living in a world where I can legitimately talk to myself!” Shadow Frances admires her brief moment of fame, slowly becoming a bit uncomfortable with Frances’s fan-girling. Frances asks how this is even possible, and Shadow Frances takes a deep breath, explaining everything about the shadow world in a quarter of the time that Sam did. Shadow Frances then confesses that she was involved in the removal of Sam’s shadow. Frances tries to wrap her head around this, but her shadow says that they need to do something, as humans aren’t known to function well without their shadows, suddenly knowing what to do.


    One day, after he turns on his laptop, he sees that Hale is having office hours today, for students who need to study or have any other questions. Sam then realizes that Hale must know something about this. He steps out into the hall and asks a random student if his shadow is missing. “Uh...yeah, it is?” Sam also notices his shadow give a confused look as well. Sam thanks him, and that this was the affirmation he needed. He signs up for office hours with the reason of, “Urban Legend Explanation.” The student is still thoroughly confused. Sam visits the office and says that he wants to talk to Hale. Hale turns around, and his mouth is duct-taped. “That’s funny, I wanted to talk to you as well.” Shadow Hale prompts the real Hale to get out a giant role of tape and put Sam on the wall. Hale profusely apologizes when doing so.


    Indeed, Hale’s Shadow has completely taken control of him. Shadow Hale tells Sam how unfortunate it is what happened to his shadow, walking around as Professor Hale awkwardly mimics his shadow’s movements, but that it is ultimately for the best. Humans and shadows were meant to stay separate, and Shadow Sam’s involvement in breaking the divide could destroy the conventions of the world as they know it. There’s a reason Hale taught that sentient shadows were just a myth, as his shadow was controlling him the whole time. Sam tries to break free, but the tape is too strong. Hale continues to apologize, but his shadow shuts him up once more. “I’d further explain my plot, but that would just give you a chance to strategize. At least you have the motive!” Shadow Sam says as he steps out, saying that it’s time to set things as they were meant to be. We see Hale’s Shadow depart for the night after tricking Hale into taping himself to the wall as well, in an effort to prevent him from going anywhere. The process is very awkward, and the tape isn’t as neat as it is for Sam. Shadow Hale notes that at least he took the tape off of his mouth.


    In Shadow Central, Wisp is interrogating Sam about what he did when the real Sam knew he was there. Sam hesitates, but Wisp jokes that it was a rhetorical question, as she can probe into the mind of any shadow and see their thoughts and memories. “What can I say? Being the most powerful shadow in existence has its perks.” Wisp places her hand on Sam’s head and the two are thrown into a bizarre, movie theater like setting, stylistically consistent with the Shadow world. We see Sam through his shadow’s eyes, and he sees their practicing comedy together and general bonding. Shadow Sam gives a look at Wisp, saying that this might have actually been a good thing. Wisps asks, in a quieter, more sincere voice, if anyone else knows about the shadow world because of him, something which Sam promptly denies. We see a flash of light send them back into the real Shadow Central, and Wisp is a bit more reserved. “Guards, send him back to his cell, I need to do some thinking.” Wisp seems fairly stuck by what she just saw. Shadow Sam says to himself, I can just hope that Sam is doing better than me.


    Meanwhile, Sam and Hale still taped to the wall, trying to find a way out. The tape is surprisingly effective, and he’s still struggling. “This is senior year all over again,” Sam mutters to himself. While looking around Hale’s office, however, he notices a few photos of Hale with his family. His parents are fairly uptight and appear the same in each photo, with Hale’s frustration with the bland clothes he has to wear all of the time. He also notices a drawing on the wall of Hale talking to his shadow when he was a child, clearly made when he was young. He notices his shadow feeling fairly grumpy and sullen, but Hale is much happier. Hale confesses that he knew his shadow as a child, but he was fairly strict and negative, almost like his parents. However, but he slowly began to hide himself. Shadow children who break the rule are supposedly forgiven more easily, as children are often known for imagining things. “Given everything, though, I guess it’s no surprise that my shadow made me teach a class on denying their very existence. Surely there must be some good that shadows and humans can do together.”


    Given how differently his shadow is now, Sam looks at this drawing in thought, thinking about the bond between him and his shadow. Sam suddenly has some flashbacks to his childhood, when he performed as a comedian in middle school in earlier high school. His father especially loved his act, but after he lost his job, his parents began to fight a lot, leading to a divorce. As a 16-year old Sam goes downstairs to check the mail, he notices his mother crying on the kitchen table. He looks at a brochure for a comedy camp in the summer, but throws it away, instead looking up business programs so that he can support his family with better job security. As he does this, Shadow Sam (from the past) remains on the floor, quietly beginning to tear up. Cutting back to the real world, Sam begins to tear up, saying to himself quietly, “There it is. It all makes sense.” Suddenly, we see someone try to get in, realizing that it’s just a Janitor. Hale gets the Janitor’s attention, although he just looks plain confused. Hale and Sam run out of the hall through sunrise, saying that the janitor is a miracle worker. The janitor says that he really is, smiling at this revelation.


    Sam gets a text from Frances to meet at her house. Back at her home, Frances is sending a text message on her phone to a friend. Sam calls outside of her home’s window, and he and Hale are standing there, feeling rather exasperated. Frances is confused as to why they are there, until her shadow reveals that she took temporary control of Frances and sent the text message. She confesses everything, but promises that she will help them get Shadow Sam freed. Hale also warns that his shadow hasn’t come back to him yet, but he knows that he’s gone AWOL. They decide to go inside and get some coffee and try to think of what to do. All of the sudden, we see Hale’s shadow come back to him, becoming frustrated that he set himself free. “I should have known you’d get free. I’m not taking that chance any more, though.” Hale’s shadow controls him again, and he throws the now tied-up Sam and Frances in the back of a car, trying to drive off to an unknown location. Sam and Frances are tied up, but Frances’s shadow, feeling fed up with the situation and her failure to help, controls Lucy, giving her the strength to push off the rope around her and wrestle Hale to the front seat, causing a crazy car ride. Sam looks on in horror as a fight begins between the shadows of Frances and Hale, mimicked by their real life counterparts.


    It goes by very comically, as the two are constrained by seat belts, and they get into accidents several times. However, they eventually arrive safely at the university’s abandoned planetarium. Sam remarks that the most unbelievable thing that happened so far this past month was that he’s still alive after all of that. Hale regains control of Frances and Sam, continuing to apologize for lack of control over his shadow. Shadow Hale takes the whistle from Shadow Frances, blowing on it and summoning Wisp. Wisp arrives on the scene, appearing very large against the top of the planetarium, and she has Sam with him. Hale says that it’s time for Sam to see what happens when shadows break the golden rule, and Wisp is ready to oblige. Hale takes out a device for creating black light, akin to a pistol, the one thing that can kill a shadow. Shadow Sam, being lifted as a tiny shadow against the wall with Wisp carrying him, is lifted down on the ground. Hale is about to get the black light device ready, adjusting the lights in the planetarium to greater darkness, but instead, Wisp kicks Hale to the side, knocking him unconscious, and setting Shadow Sam down next to Sam. Sam is amazed by this change, and he his relieved to see his shadow again.


    Wisp tells Sam that after what his shadow showed her, that maybe she was wrong about shadows and humans having to be separate. She then takes a shadow needle and “sews” Sam with his shadow again. Sam and his shadow are so happy to reunite, and they go up to a wall and hug. Basically, Sam just spreads his arms out and looks very awkward. Suddenly the light goes out, and we see a device of black light go off, followed by Wisp screaming. Sam quickly rushes to the lights and turns them on. Wisp’s shadow is now shrinking to an incredibly small size, eventually disappearing into thin air, and Hale is armed with his black light device. Sam, Frances, their shadows, and the real Hale gasp after seeing Wisp completely gone. Shadow Hale laughs as he sees the former Prime Shadow dead, and her power now coming to him. Sam leads Frances to a corner, backing away nervously.


    Shadow Hale then reveals that it was never his contention to kill Shadow Sam, but rather Wisp. He had believed in the myth of shadows since he was a child, but as an adult, his new shadow explained everything to him, including his desire to be the new Prime Shadow. The Prime Shadow has all of the powers that Wisp has, and the only way to become the new Prime Shadow is to kill the former. He was waiting for a chance to reach Wisp and gain her trust, the best way to bring her close to him in the real world where could use the black light on her, and the ruckus that Shadow Sam had caused was the perfect cover-up. Meanwhile, in Shadow Central, the shadow officers working in shadow, all of which are European, where it is currently night time, control receive negative signals of Wisp’s life. They make the proper realization and panic. Sam asks his shadow who is the new Prime Shadow, now that Wisp has been killed. Sam, with great fear, tells her that the shadow who kills the Prime will become the new one. Sam, Frances, and their shadows, after a pause, release a simultaneous, “Oh no!”


    Indeed, we see Hale’s shadow surround by a shadow of purple light, and Hale begins to laugh. Hale also notices that he is blasted away from his shadow, and the two are now separate. “The new prime....” Frances says in Horror. “Yep, it’s pretty awesome, ain’t it? I’ll assure you that I promise to be the leader Wisp never was. Despite her strong personality, she was always secretly willing to see shadows and humans work together. Why else did she warm up to you so easily? Now, however, I’ve got all the power I want, and I’ll make you forget everything you know about this world, keeping it that way. Also, did I tell you that it’s not just people I preside over?” Sam runs up to get the black light device, but Shadow Hale picks up Sam’s shadow and throws the device through the ceiling before it can be used. The device lands near a cliff on the planetarium, already several feet downward off of an even taller overlook. They know that they need to get to the device, but Shadow Hale has another idea. He lifts several boxes around the room, using their shadows so that the boxes are floating, and cuts them out to look like the shadows of giant monsters, inspired mainly by kaiju such as Godzilla and Mothra. “Well played, I like that kind of thing,” Frances says. Her shadow says that she hopes it’s just as okay when it kills her.


    We see Frances, Hale, and Sam try to defend themselves from the monsters, all of which are threatening as shadows on a giant screen, but are only small puppets of cardboard in real life. They try to get to the cardboard cut outs, but Shadow Hale is too effective in stopping them. Hale then remembers that he doesn’t have to worry about the shadows, and he can just go up and take the puppets. Hale is still hit by a heavy box, knocking him unconscious, but in the fury, Sam sees the shadow whistle fall to them. Shadow Sam runs up to get it, succeding, and eventually blows on it, wondering if it will summon someone from Shadow Control. We then cut back to Shadow Control, where a large alarm goes off, triggered by the whistle. They then see screens from Shadow Sam’s perspective, showing the evil of Shadow Hale and the realization that he was the one who killed Wisp. They then try to think of what to do, as they cannot leave Shadow Central. One member from Sweden then realizes that there may be some people who can help. They visit the real Sam’s social networking page (“Copyright Free Social Network Site!”) and find his comedy group friends, eventually calling upon their shadows.


    Sam and Frances continue to struggle, as their Shadows are trapped, but a voice comes from outside. The other students in the comedy club have arrived, and their shadows are ready to fight. One student says, “Get away, Sam and Frances! We’ll take care of these shadows!” The monsters then go after the comedy students, which gives Sam and Frances a window to escape and find the dark light device. They go down and see that it is left on a cliff forty feet below them, which is above a 100 foot drop into a river. Sam asks how he’s going to get it, until his shadow gets an Idea. Shadow Sam tells him to jump down and retrieve the gun. “I’ll make sure you have a good landing! Just trust me!” Sam is scared, but he makes the jump. Shadow Sam, as he is falling, grabs on to the thin ledge left by the shadows of some irregular rocks on the cliff, using them as stones to get down on. Sam lands safely, and he retrieves the Black Light device. He asks Frances to bring out Hale, and she runs off to get him. Back inside, the comedy students are doing fairly well, as a lot of them are as spirited as they were in their real life counterparts. Shadow Hale is struggling to keep up, but Lucy comes up and tells Shadow Hale that Sam has decided to surrender, but he wants to meet him to have a formal handshake. It’s an odd request, but Shadow Hale agrees to it.


    He sees Sam on the ledge and lifts up his shadow, taking him back up. Sam is careful to hide the light beneath him. Shadow Sam is about to shake his hand, saying that he will do a great job as prime shadow, only to run inside and trap Hale’s shadow. Once he is inside, Frances dims the lights, and Sam sets the light onto Shadow Hale. It looks as though Hale will have easily been defeated, but he grabs Sam’s shadow and throws him across the room, badly injuring him. “No!” Frances yells. Sam is about to get up, but Hale regains consciousness and retrieves a box that looks like the black light device. “Nice try, Hale, but that won’t work at all! You can’t kill your own shadow! Even a child would know –“ Shadow Hale suddenly finds himself shrinking at a ridiculous rate, looking around and finding Lucy with the black light. Shadow Hale begins panicking and yelling crazy warnings, “Don’t do this! Not all shadows are good! Al Capone would have been a ballerina! Genghis Khan loved to knit! These shadows corrupt people! They need to stay separate! They need to –“ but he is now gone. The real Hale turns on the light, and everyone begins to cheer. However, they find that Sam is not in good condition. Shadow Sam begins to panic, but he notices that night time is coming, and he drifts away from Sam sadly, "I hope to see you well tomorrow, buddy." We then see the same light as earlier that surrounded Hale surround Frances's shadow, and the two become separate. "She's the new prime," Sam says, smiling through his pain.


    Sam is then rushed to a local hospital, where doctors tell him that he will be okay, but needs to be treated overnight. Frances's anxiety begins to lessen, but she is still worried. Meanwhile, we see Shadow Frances and Shadow Sam walk away to Shadow Central together, and Shadow Frances is unsure how people will react when she arrives. She takes a deep breath upon arriving in Shadow Central, only to be greeted by several cheering faces and exuberant signs saying, “Congratulations Frances, Our New Prime!” Frances comes to this realization amidst all of the craziness of her new destiny. Frances, realizing her duties, embraces the crowd, letting her shyness go and realizing what she now needs to do. She then decides that she will repeal the separation of shadows and humans once and for all. This new ruling causes a great deal of applause from the shadow populace, and she also decides to appoint Sam to be her official right hand man. After a night of celebrating, the shadows of Frances and Sam return to the real world. Sam is still in the hospital, but he looks to be able to leave that afternoon with just a cast on. Frances and Hale come to visit him, and they are all relieved that he is doing better. At the same time, the shadows of Sam and Frances return, much to Sam’s delight. Shadow Frances, now free standing, tells Sam that she needs to thank him for everything, and she can’t wait to reveal the truth of shadows to everyone. “I’m not sure you should do that in a hospital, though,” Sam says, and Shadow Frances admits that he’s probably right.


    Sam eventually leaves, and things are already looking a lot better. He tells his shadow about what a trip all of this was, and Frances notices that people have already begun to notice their shadows, and they are having fairly genial relationships already. Shadow Frances also assures Hale that he’ll have a new shadow reformed and sent to him fairly soon. Sam asks Frances if Shadow Hale was right, and their really may be malicious people transformed by shadows. Shadow Frances confidently replies that if they could deal with Hale, they can deal with anyone. They all laugh, and Shadow Sam eventually pulls Lucy in for a kiss. Shadow Sam comes up to him afterwards, thanking him for going along on this crazier adventure, and that it's certainly going to be a new world we're going to be living in. Sam laughs and tries to give his shadow a hug in the same manner as before, with him putting his arms flat across the wall. "This will never not look awkward." "I know."




    *The end credits are set to people discovering their shadows in a fairly cartoonish and painted art style, set to “Could You Imagine” by Owl City.*

    Edited by Spaghetti
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    Train 38

    Director: Park Chan-Wook

    Genre: Horror/Fantasy/Drama

    Date: May 24th

    Theaters: 3,095

    Cast: Kate Winslet (Olivia), Ciaran Hinds (Peter), Tom Hardy (Oliver), Vanessa Redgrave (Belle), Kodi-Smitt McPhee (Vincent), Mia Wasikowska (Abigail), Julie Delpy (Kristen), Min-sik Choi (Sang-je), Ah-sung Ko (Ji Youn)

    Composer: Alexandre Desplat

    Runtime: 113min (1hr, 53min)

    Rating: R for disturbing violent content, some strong language, nudity, and smoking

    Budget: $60 million


    OVERVIEW: A woman is embarking on a train home from a sustainability conference, but mysterious parameters affect her journey, and she is determined to find out the truth of her travel home while maintaining her sanity.


    In the opening credits sequence, we see a fast chain of events unfold: A woman named Olivia Jannis is attending the closing luncheon of a global summit on Sustainability in Paris, and she is checking out of her hotel and saying goodbye. She also takes some anxiety pills to help her on her journey. We then see her calling up her Husband, Michael. She tells him that she is about to get on her train to London, and that she’s excited to go through the Channel Tunnel again. “It was quite exhilarating, actually. The feeling that you are underneath the world, yet the connections to what you’ve always known are there.” Michael is very excited to see her, and he will have something special for her when she arrives home. Olivia laughs, saying how he always did go the extra mile. They part as Olivia arrives at the train station, waiting for her train, Train 38, to arrive.


    The train eventually appears, right on time much to Olivia’s surprise, and she is about to embark on her trip home. On the way, we see a young teenage girl of Korean descent accidentally bump into her. Her uncle comes up and tells her that she needs to be more careful around standers. She promptly apologizes to him, and he apologizes to Olivia. They then realize that they are sitting next to each other, and they decide to board the train. The inside of the train looks fairly contemporary, at least the car she is in now. As the three move to their seats, they notice other passengers, such as Lance, a traveling blogger writing about different blogging experiences, and Abigail, a young college student return home to her family for the summer. Olivia recognizes the two Koreans as attendees at the convention, based on their nametags that they never took off.  The man is named Sang-Je, and his daughter is Ji Youn. They apologize for their lack of English skills, but Olivia remarks that she can speak Korean as well. They smile as they sit down in their seats.


    A train attendant, Kristen, then enters the cart, welcoming all of them aboard the train. The expected arrival is at 3:42 local time, and they will be entering an underwater tunnel in order to arrive. Ji Youn comments how nervous she is about going underneath the sea, but Sang-je remarks that everything will be fine. “These trains travel to and from Paris several times, and there have almost never been any problems. If anything does happen, I will protect you.” Sang-je says in Korean. The two hug as Olivia smiles. She also comments that her first time going on this train was one of the most exciting travels she has ever done, and that it is not scary. Ji Youn queitly thanks her, as the train begins to signal its departure. Kristen then tells everyone to remain seated as the tunnel is entered, after which riders will be free to move around the train. We then see the train depart from the station and go under. Relaxing music and special lights go off in the train as the descent is made, something which captures Ji-Youn’s delight. Olivia then decides to take a nap for the rest of the ride, leaning against the window and closing her eyes.


    Olivia wakes up after closing her eyes, checking the time. It is now 5:03, over an hour after the train was supposed to arrive. The train is still powering through the tunnel, however. Olivia curses, looking around and trying to find a train attendant. At the moment, she notices Lance continuing to write about his travel experiences. Olivia asks him a question, but he snaps, saying that she distracted him. She tells him about the timing problem, and Lance rolls his eyes. “You were knocked out, weren’t you? They said over the PA that there was a delay at the station, and the train would arrive later. Evolution gave us ears for a reason, you know!” Olivia, feeling uncomfortable, thanks him, and walks away to another cart. She is trying to look for Kristen, asking when the train will arrive in London. After noticing a sign for free wireless signals on the train, she pulls out her phone to try and call Michael, but she does not get a signal.


    She goes towards the cafe section of the train afterwards, deciding that a warm beverage may help herself. In the Cafe, she notices Abigail, the student from earlier, listening to music on her headphones, specifically the song, “Keep Feeling Fascination” by The Human League, as she enjoys her tea. Olivia takes comfort in seeing another face, but is more confused that more people are not feeling concerned about this. She goes up towards the Cafe’s counter and accidentally bumps into a man in a nice jacket. He turns around to Olivia’s nervous apology, but he instead smiles, introducing himself as Peter and instantly recognizing Olivia. Olivia is confused, as she had never met him before, but Peter assures her that as one of the higher ups at Neptune Railways, the owner of the trains based on underwater tunnels, he recognizes her as a member of the premium rewards program. Olivia regains composure, commenting on how nice it is to meet him.


    Olivia then decides to ask him if the train was delayed, wanting a verification of what Lance has told her. Peter laughs and assures her that they will be arriving in London in less than an hour, and that all she needs to do is sit back and enjoy the rest of her travel. He then leaves to check on how other passengers are doing across the train, leaving behind a bag of change. Olivia notices it, and she runs to the end of the cart and into the next one to deliver it. The next cart, full of other passengers, does not have him inside. Olivia moves down another cart, but he is not there either. She calls out his name, but he eventually shows up behind her. Olivia returns his bag of change, and Peter is greatful for the deed. “Perhaps you will make it out of here well,” he says to Olivia, smiling and walking away.


    Olivia then decides to return to her seat, and Ji Youn and Sang-je are sitting down there again. Ji Youn comments on how beautiful the train is, thanking her father and Olivia for helping to alleviate her fears. Olivia smiles and sits back down in the cart.


    Suddenly, a screen comes on in front of each seat, and a woman on the screen, dressed as a train attendant, announces that for the remainder of the travel, patrons will have access to watch a film on their seats using on demand technology. Kristen also comes in, adding that because of additional delays, this entertainment will be provided for free. Olivia sighs, but decides that she might as well watch something. She enters a selection of various videos, but she becomes very shocked upon realizing that all of them are videos about her growing up, from her interests as a child to her graduation, and eventually her wedding and the birth of his child. Olivia is somewhat frightened by these images, going up to Kristen and asking about the films. She does not understand what she is talking about, but Olivia goes to show her the screen. Everything is back to normal now, with the files of her childhood replaced by generic Hollywood movies.


    Olivia stutters at the confusion, but Kristen asks her to sit down and relax. Olivia continues to try and talk about what she saw, but Kristen eventually pushes her down on the seat, saying in a much harsher voice that it would not be advisory for her to frighten other passengers in this manner, and that she is disturbing the peace. Olivia goes silent, and Kristen eventually thanks her, walking away. Olivia looks around, noticing how no one is reacting to that minor altercation. Olivia sighs, trying to regain her composure once again. She then watches a movie about an elderly woman named Belle who recounts the story of a lost love she once met on a train riding across the United States, a boy named Vincent, over 60 years ago. Olivia begins to fall asleep, but on all of the screens for all of the passengers, we see a cart with all of the passengers on the train so far. This is meant to be seen as a scene from the movie.


    Meanwhile, as Peter is sitting in the train, Peter is drinking some coffee, but Kristen, feeling nervous, goes up to see him. She expresses concern that Olivia is starting to become more aware of her surroundings, and the travel may be compromised if she acts on what she is inevitably going to learn. Peter tells her to keep the train going at all costs, and that no one is to leave. “This must be the way things are kept,” she tells her. “We also have the advantage that she may not like what she sees, and that she will run away from it.” Kristen smiles and complies to Peter’s requests. Olivia, back in her seat, gets up and decides to walk around the train, as Lance shushes her for disrupting the movie. Olivia walks down a few carts (the train is surprisingly long) of seating until she eventually finds several unique carts, such as a shop, a cinema, a museum, and more. It seems as though anything she could possibly imagine is on this train. One odd cart, one that looks akin to her bedroom as a child. Even more surprising, Belle (as an elderly woman) and Vincent are there.


    Olivia becomes confused and terrified upon this revelation, and she goes up against a wall, trying to hold back a scream. Belle comes up to her and slaps her. “You idiot! You’re going to cause a ruckus in the whole train!” Olivia comments on how unexpected that remark was, but Belle says that it is no matter. Belle tells her that the train is trying to kill them all, and that the movie that have just seen was filmed right on it. “We have been on this train forever, and we are never getting off!” Vincent tells Belle that she needs to calm herself, but Belle dismisses it. Belle begins to rant even more loudly at the situation on the train, and how she would rather die than spend one more minute on this train. She continues on how the train is providing no good way to live for exactly one minute, and after that, a bullet comes from a small vent in the air and pierces her neck. She drops down in a pool of blood and violence. Olivia screams, but the train’s walls prevent sound from traveling. Vincent then points out the voice box on the train, thanking them for their cooperation in this brief drill. “All is now safe. Thank you for riding with Neptune Railways.”


    Olivia decides to take Vincent to a small cabinet, asking him about what Bell was saying. Vincent says that in some part, it is actually true. The train has been traveling for so long, he cannot remember when it all began. The train provides means of having us do or see anything that we want to do, but none of it is real. “We’re all trapped inside of this train until the end of time, and that’s how Peter wants it. “ Vincent asks Olivia to look outside the cabinet again, and the cart has turned into her favorite pizza restaurant as a child. “It projects from the passenger’s memories and dreams and each one sees something unique to them.” When you saw your old movies, everyone saw theirs, too. We then cut to a montage of Ji Youn watching herself voice a famous and adorable cartoon, Sang-je as a master chef, Abigail accepting a Nobel Prize, and Lance having gratuitous sex. “Some minds are more fucked up than others, but at the same time, we’ve all got ‘em.”

    Peter overhears this conversation, saying that it was not enough to kill Belle. They both need to be taken out. Kristen asks about the ethics of this move, and he begins to fire bullets at both of them remotely, in the same manner that they killed Belle in. Through an intense escape sequence, all through one shot and somewhat similar to the fight scene in Oldboy, they are fired at from inside the pizza cart, and Olivia and Vincent run away. They run through the passenger seats, where they avoid getting shot, but several passengers are also caught in the misfire. One of the casualties is Lance, who falls on his laptop in a way that his bloodied chin lands on the ‘6’ and ‘9’ keys. Another his Sang-je, whose bloody head falls on Ji Youn’s chest. Ji Youn screams in horror, looking at Olivia and running to her. She hugs her and begins to cry, but Olivia tells her that she needs to run, and that they need to find Peter.


    They continue to run through various carts, but not in the same order as she remembered, including new cars such as a rave, and an ice cream shop. Kristen begins to tell Pete that this is unethical, and other people shouldn’t have to leave the train because of her. Peter says that if she finds out the truth, she will never be able to live again. Even those who have died on the train will come back to life in a different setting. Kristen tells him that he cannot possibly know where they are going, but Peter restrains her, saying that it does matter what happens when they are gone. Everyone can believe whatever they wish to believe, and they will not stop them from doing that. Their debate increases in intensity as Vincent, Ji Youn, and Olivia go through the carts. They soon reach the cafe, where Abigail runs up to them from behind. “You’re okay...thank goodness. Wait a minute, aren’t you that actor from the movie I just saw? *Peter prepares to fire* It’s a pleasure to meet you, I can’t believe we’re on the same train!” *Peter decides to let her go.*


    The four eventually walk to Kristen and Peter’s cart, where one last bullet tries to pierce them. Instead, it actually hits Peter in the neck. As Peter collapses, we hear a dash of panic, as if it came as sound from a different plane, noisy and unclean, about panic for getting an ambulance ASAP. The train needs to arrive at the station. Only Olivia hears it, but she does not say anything.


    Peter begs for Olivia not to kill her, as if he dies, she will die too. Kristen points a gun at her, but Vincent pulls one out as well. “I’ve always wanted to participate in a Mexican standoff.” Ji Youn then takes the gun from Vincent, saying that after they killed her father, she demands vengeance (in Korean). She adds in English that they’re all going to fucking die. Kristen tries to diffuse the situation, saying that if they go to their seats, everyone will be treated to whatever luxury service they wish for the remainder of the travel. Olivia then says that the only thing she wants is to get off the train, and to see her husband again. Peter, still bleeding, tells her that the train is actually the one thing that is keeping everyone alive. Vincent then whispers to Olivia that he hears of a special elixir that can take anyone off of the train or to their ultimate paradise. “You can escape now,” Vincent whispers to her. Olivia, getting the clue, tells Peter that she wishes for a drink to help her settle down. Olivia tells him to take her there. Peter gets up, his wound healing at a surprising rate, and enters a few numbers onto the train’s keypad, causing a loud shift to occur. Peter then waits for a moment and hears panic occur throughout the train.


    Passengers are terrified after seeing some of their own shot and killed in cold blood, all demanding to get off of the train as well. Peter plays the footage on a camera, asking Olivia if she realizes now why they needed to keep things quiet. Peter says that he will spray gas in the room, causing them to collapse, but this will not make them forget the revelation. Peter then takes the four characters and Kristen to the bar, where Olivia is motioned to order the drink. Vincent whispers to her that it is called an ‘emergency exit.’ It has kind of an apple-ish flavor to it. Olivia makes the order, but Peter soon realizes what it is. Peter motions for Kristen to activate the firing sequence again, and the barista, wearing headphones and listening to “Keep Feeling Fascination,” does not hear the gunshots and violence that erupts. Abigail and Kristen are quickly shot down, and Vincent collapses as well. Ji Youn screams and hides in a corner, eventually shooting and killing Peter several times. The nose that was made when Peter was shot is heard more clearly, and it seems to be about panic over a passed out passenger, perhaps with a drug overdose.


    Olivia listens to this and gasps. “Ji Youn, promise me that you will stay safe. May the heavens protect you wherever you go.” Olivia then picks up her drink, ‘The Emergency Exit,’ staring at the camera and finishing it all. The camera stays at her face for a while, zooming out to show the train eventually fade into nothingness and news footage over a woman who died on a train from Paris to London due to the consumption of rancid pills.



    Edited by 50 Shades of Spaghetti
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    Special Delivery

    Director: Rawson Marshall Thurber

    Genre: Comedy/Thriller

    Date: June 21st

    Theaters: 3,427

    Cast: Melissa McCarthy (Bridget), Kevin Hart (Rick), Rose Byrne (Elizabeth), Michael Shannon (Gavin), Paul Giamatti (Simon), Rashida Jones (Elena), Anthony Mackie (Lenny), Joel McHale (Alan)

    Runtime: 104min (1hr, 44min)

    Rating: R for language throughout including some sexual content and reckless situations

    Budget: $45 million


    SUMMARY: A pragmatic mail carrier races against a hip bike courier in order to deliver an important package to the mayor of Chicago, but things don't look to be as they seem. 



    Edited by Spaghetti
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    The 39 Clues: Beyond the Grave

    Director: Gore Verbinski
    Studio: Arcturus Entertainment
    Genre: Adventure/Action
    Format: 3D Digital IMAX
    Cast: Thomas Horn as Dan Cahill
    Molly C. Quinn as Amy Cahill
    Elizabeth Olsen as Nellie Gomez
    Colin Morgan as Theo Cotter
    Unknown as The Man In Black
    Mellissa Leo as Irina Spasky
    Meryl Streep as Hillary Vale
    Unknown as Theo Cotter
    Unknown as Sami
    Unknown as Alistair Oh
    Unknown as Bae Oh
    Unknown as Jonah Wizard
    Laurence Fishburne as Boderick Wizard
    Score: Patrick Doyle
    Budget: $130 million
    Theatre Count: 4314
    Rating: PG
    Release Date: 28 June
    Running Time: 1 hr 50 mins
    Previous Movies:(OW/DOM/WW)
    The 39 Clues: Maze of Bones: $55,713,623/$192,557,542/$503,150,230 ($68,563,191 for the 4 day)
    The 39 Clues: One False Note: $75,803,119/$231,538,714/$564,059,871
    The 39 Clues: The Sword Thief: $94,780,074/$261,210,576/$950,313,827


    We start with an aerial shot of an Islamic market. The words ‘Khan el-Khalili market, Cairo, Egypt’ appears on the middle of the screen. We cut to a couple of location shot, complete with the background sound and din of the market; in the last shot, we see Nellie Gomez (Elizabeth Olsen) bargaining with one of the shop owners over what appears to be spices. We cut to a shot of Amy Cahill (Molly C. Quinn); she is buying some souvenirs from a stall. As she hands over her money, she takes her product and turns around and calls out for Dan, but Dan isn’t here. Amy begins to panic and keeps calling out Dan’s name as she tries to spot him. We cut to Amy’s POV and the camera begins to adopt a fish-eyed effect that mirrors Amy’s anxiety. She finally spots him at a stall down the street and the fisheye affect begins to diminish as Amy calms down. However, she notices a woman wearing a ‘I Want My Mummy’ t-shirt and white sunglasses approaching Dan and a man with a star hat blocks Amy’s line of sight. Amy begins to panic again and she bolts towards Dan. As Amy approaches Dan, the action plays out in slow-mo as we see the woman bending her index finger back at the first joint and a metal needle protrudes from her nail, glistening in the sunlight. Amy screams out Dan’s name repeatedly and as the woman leans forward to stab Dan, Amy flings out her souvenir and the needle stabs into that instead. We cut out of Amy’s POV. Dan looks up surprised and Amy looks up at the woman’s face and shouts, ‘Irina.’ The woman, Irina Spasky (Mellisa leo), says at the same time, ‘Blin!’ (It’s probably a Russian swear)

    Amy and Dan look at each other in what appears to be a moment of silent communication before both of them bolt into the crowd. Irina takes a moment to react before chasing after them. The chance goes on through the wide and crowded boulevards of the market, as well as the small side streets. Eventually it looks like they have lost Irina and so they stop for a moment. Amy pulls out her phone but the battery is dead. She looks at Dan and says, ‘Well, I guess we’ll have to find Nellie on our own then.’ Dan looks like he’s about to make a retort when the faint sound of a Russian accent appears and they look around, spot Irina and take off. The chase continues until Amy crashes into a café connoisseur and the momentary blustering of the rather fat man gave them a moment of cover. Amy and Dan dodged behind the man and into an obscured doorway. Irina passes by them without noticing. They look around and see that they are in an antique shop. A man, who is browsing the merchandise in the shop, looks up and Amy and Dan immediately head over there and try to get his help. The guy named Theo (TBA), was in his twenties, and took interest to them and noticed their sudden moment of panic as they noticed Irina through the window as they were walking over to him. Amy and Dan quickly explained the situation and Theo was able to lead them through the back alleys and back to Nellie. Nellie was suitably irate at Amy and Dan but adopted a softer countenance when she saw the handsome Theo. They thank Theo and discuss their next move; Dan wants to continue looking for clues, specifically regarding Napoleon, while Amy wants to head back to the hotel. Theo overhears this and offers to take them to Sennari house, which is a Napoleon museum. Nellie positively swoons in the background.

    We cut to Amy and Dan wandering in the museum; Nellie is flirting with Theo in the background. As they wander away from Nellie, Dan asks Amy if she has any clue what they’re looking for and Amy just says no. However just then, Dan turns his head towards the wall and sees a glint of red. He approaches and notices a Lucian crest on a tile at which point he tries to pry the tile off with his hands. Amy immediately tries to stop him and screeches about historical artefacts. Dan successfully peels the tile off and reaches into the crevice behind the tile and pulls out a tube. At that point a security guard catches sight of them and Dan throws the tile at the security guard who does a double take and tries to catch it as Dan and Amy bolt off. They run through a series of rooms before jumping off of a balcony, onto an awning and into the courtyard below where they meet a confused Nellie. Nellie takes one look at the situation, notices the pursuing guards, sighs and says ‘Not Again!’ and chases after Amy and Dan. They jump into the Taxi and just scream at the driver to go. The driver pulls off just as the guards arrive at the curb. Nellie tells them that this better have been for a good reason as she just left the man of her dreams behind. They also open the clue and a parchment pops out. On it is written, ‘et pour la plus grande gloire des descendants le Luc et mon Empereur, l’indice est maintenant en route pour le Palais du La Paris. B. D. 1821.’ Amy hands the parchment over to Nellie who translates it as ‘And for the greatest glory of Luke and my emperor (Napoleon), the clue is now on route to the Palace of Paris. B. D. ‘ She then asks, ‘who’s B.D.’ to which both Amy and Dan just shrug.

    We cut to Dan and Amy trying to check in at the Excelsior hotel, but the system doesn’t seem to be showing their reservation. The receptionist asks them if they want recommendations for elsewhere just as Dan grumbles to Amy that they booked it with Alistair Oh’s travel rewards card and that he was sure they got the info right. The receptionist hears the name Oh and stops. He then makes a call as Dan and Amy are confused. He then turns back to them and says, ‘I’m sorry. The Oh reservation. We’ve reserved the Aswan Suite, as usual.’ Amy looks flabbergasted and asks, ‘Suite?’ The receptionist nods and says ‘It’s the entirety of the top floor and at the usual family discount, of course,’ before giving them their receipt. The room was only £40 a night and Amy looks stunned before hurrying to sign. The receptionist says have a nice day before a bellhop comes over to take their bags.

    We cut to a shot of an elevator door and as it opens to reveal Amy and Dan, the camera slowly pans around to reveal the luxurious hotel suite. The hallway leading into the living room was paved with marble and had an umbrella and holder on one side and a small table on the other. The large floor-to-ceiling windows reveal the Cairo skyline. They settle into the room and Nellie promptly retires to take a bath, while Dan goes off to explore. Amy goes to get something to eat before following Dan; however she finds him standing still in front of a door. Amy insults Dan about the fact that he’s stunned by a door before Dan says that there’s something wrong with the suite. He says that the receptionist said it was the entire floor, but there are only 4 windows on this side of the suite, but there are 7 on the outside. He then points out that the door handle has the Ekaterina symbol on it and that it’s a regular key door. They try to figure out how to open it because they only have key cards before Dan abruptly asks Amy, ‘When does Rain fall in Cairo again? It was in the boring book that you were reading to me on the plane.’ Amy immediately goes to grab the book before saying, ‘An inch that falls between December and March.’ Dan asks, ‘Then why was there an umbrella in the entrance hall?’ Dan goes to grab the umbrella, twists off the handle and reveals the key. The key fits perfectly and the door swings open.

    As Amy and Dan walk in, rows of fluorescent lights come on and reveal what looks to be a museum of sorts. We see Edison and Curie and etc. named as being amongst the Cahills and also being credited with inventions such as the bike and vaccines. Amy and Dan are daunted by the vastness of the Ekat’s accomplishments, prompting a quite moment of retrospection. Amy and Dan still have not figured out which branch they are in and are daunted by the unprecedented resources that all the other racers have access too and they just have themselves. However, Dan tries to lighten the mood by pointing out how Grace tried to coach them through memory games, trips to museums and etc. and that they really aren’t that bad. However, Amy takes it the wrong way and goes on about how Grace possibly could’ve had a sinister M.O. and Dan just snaps at Amy and there is a moment of silent tension before Dan turns his head and spots three Sakhets (lion-headed goddess) not too far from them. The tension immediately defuses as they rush over to the statue. They read the inscriptions on the three Sakhets and realise that only 2 of the 3 contained clues. They also see the pieced together clue from the two, but it is incomplete. Dan voices a thought that maybe the second statue, found by Howard Carter, which was empty may not have been the right statue. At that moment, the tap-tap of a cane appears as Bae Oh says, ‘That is exactly right. That’s what I believe and I believe my nephew has it.’ Bae gloats about his hotel and trapping them, but also confesses that he’d hoped that it was Alistair (they booked the hotel under his name). Dan and Amy continue to be reticent and insult Bae and Bae launches on a tirade about how they’re all family and a temporary alliance for the Sakhet mystery would be mutually beneficial. He proposes that he tell them about the mystery in exchange for Alistair’s location. Dan proposes for Alistair to go first and he does. Alistair outlines how Katherine, the founder of the branch, hid 3 Sakhets in Egypt after she left home and details the chase involving many historical figures since. He ends on the emotional appeal of Alistair being his nephew and successor and how he wants to make him proud. After the story is over, Dan tells Bae that Alistair is dead, but Bae calls him out on his lie. He moves very quickly and flips his cane and aimed at a corner. A laser comes from the bottom and triggers a switch that causes a plastic cage to fall on top of them. Bae tells them that they’ll stay here until they tell the truth and leaves.

    We cut to the suite and see Nellie lounging in front of the telly; a room service menu lies haphazardly by her side. The doorbell rings and Nellie goes to answer it; the room service food had arrived. Nellie goes to pay for it, but is told that it has been put onto the family tab. Nellie calls out for Amy and Dan but receives no answer, so she goes to look for them. We cut back to Amy and Dan, they’re discussing when they’re gonna get out and Amy seems to think that they’re gonna get stuck in here forever. Dan wonders if Nellie will take notice, but Amy says that even if she does, it won’t matter. Bae owns the entire hotel, so it’s not like the concierge and etc. would help. We cut back out to Nellie who finds the umbrella on the floor. Nellie mutters to herself about adventurous kids and etc. before returning to her room service.

    We cut forward in time and we see empty room service dishes strewn on the bed around Nellie. Nellie calls out again to Amy and Dan, but receives no answer. This time she looks very worried and she continues to call their names while she sets out to search. She looks at the umbrella again before realising that the handle is a key and opens the door. Cutting back inside the box, we hear the sound of footsteps and Amy and Dan tense up, but relax when they see that it is Nellie and Saladin. After Nellie creatively uses hummus and gets Saladin to temporarily lift the cage, Amy and Dan escape. They return to the hotel room before deciding to leave ASAP; they camouflage themselves by wearing the hotel robes.

    We cut to Bae and the Man in Black having a conversation; Bae is assuring him that everything is under control. However, out of the corner of his eye, he notices a group of tourists wearing robes, carrying a cat. He turns back to the Man, but turns back and looks at the cat again before realising that it’s Saladin. He discreetly makes brief eye contact with a security guard and then darts his eyes towards Amy and Dan. The security guard nods and sets after them. Amy notices and the trio begin to sprint away. They get outside and try to hail a taxi, but a car cuts them off and a window rolls down. Inside a white-haired lady, Hilary Vale (Meryl Streep), motions for them to get in. They hesitate and Hilary mentions Grace. They hesitate again, but spot the ensuing security guards and jump into the car. The car peels off just as the guards get to the curb.

    Upon arriving at Hilary’s house, they meet Theo and find out that Hilary is his grandmother. It’s Theo who told Hilary about Amy and Dan, and Nellie wonders how Theo knew where to find them. Theo holds up a boarding pass stub with the name of the hotel written on it. He says that it must’ve fallen when they left and Nellie swoons some more and says, ‘A real life Sherlock!’ Hilary they presents Amy and Dan with a message from Grace, expressing her regrets as well as telling them to follow the basics and remember art, a guide book, and a box from Grace’s Cairo safety deposit box, which she and Mr. McIntyre opened yesterday. (Amy and Dan looked surprised at this, seeing as they lost the tracking chip already in One False Note) They open the box and discover a Sakhet statue inside. Hilary and Theo both faun over the value of the statue (Hilary casts a longing look in the background), and Hilary shares some of the history behind the Sakhet and how Grace had one asked her if she new any expert forgers. Amy and Dan whisper to each other and determine that this must be the missing Sakhet from the Ekat collection. All the while, Dan has been fiddling with the statue before he accidently drops it, but as he grabs up at the neck of the Sakhet, his hand also pushes down on the nose, revealing a hidden compartment. They read the note inside, which is from Katherine Cahill (founder of the Ekats) and references Sakhet, and also look at the missing map portion on the back. Dan grabs out a sheet of paper and draws the other two Sakhet maps and pieces them together. Theo looks over his shoulder and suggests that it is a map of a tomb; Theo then consults and book before determining that it is the tomb of Queen Nerfertari, the consort of Ozymandias the second. Hilary and Theo look confused as to why they were looking for this, so Amy and Dan gave the bare-bones scavenger hunt story and Theo offers to take them to see the tomb.

    We cut to Luxor, where the tomb is located. Amy and Dan and Nellie are waiting in a huge display room. On one side, there is an entire mural dedicated to Hatshepsut, the only female pharaoh of Egypt, and her expedition to bring Myrrh back from Punt (Somalia). Amy was examining it with interest, while Dan made fun of Hatshepsut’s beard. Theo emerges from the curator’s office, saying that he had bad news that the tomb was closed, but the good news was that he managed to convince the curator to let them in for 10 minutes on the grounds that he was writing an academic treatise. He takes them into the tomb and goes over the basic ground rules. (ex. No photos, no smoking and etc.) and emphasises no damaging the frescos at any cost. Nellie swoons in the background yet again. They go into the tomb and Theo explains the paintings while Amy and Dan are in awe, but they don’t find anything in time and leave dejected. They leave and see Jonah Wizard in the distance, at which point Amy and Dan drag Nellie and Theo in the opposite direction as they go towards lunch. As they leave, the camera turns and focuses on Irina Spasky, who just saw everything.

    We cut to lunch where Amy and Dan are discussing the clue and how they’re sure that it’s down there in the tomb. They review Katherine’s message and they realise a line says ‘Under ancient stars, step by step to mind.’ They realise that they should’ve been looking at the stairs, below the starry ceiling and they resolve to sneak back in that night. We cut forward to that night and we see Dan and Amy sneak down into the tomb again. They look down at the stairs and notice the hieroglyphs on the stairs. Amy moves to write them down in Grace’s guidebook, but Dan look at her and tells her that he’s got it in his head. They continue down the stairs, until a noise bothers them and they suspect that someone else is there. They decide to hide. We cut to Irina Spasky’s POV’ she’s wearing night-vision goggles. (think of the scene in Silence of the Lambs, but not nearly as creepy). She spots Amy and Dan and are moving over to attack them, when Nellie’s voice suddenly rings out calling for Amy and Dan. Everyone’s startled, and Amy drops her guidebook in fright before she and Dan quickly rush back up the stairs and towards Nellie. Irina silently goes over and picks up the guidebook before disappearing into darkness.

    We cut to Dan and Amy in their hotel room, discussing Katherine’s poem. They’re matching up the cities in the poem with where they’ve been and they realise that it all matches up and always leads to a female-related place. Then they turn their attention to the hieroglyphs and realise that it is pointing them towards Isis’s temple on Philae in the city of Aswan. They call Theo and Nellie and tickets are immediately booked.

    We cut to the airport in Aswan and we see the group pushing through the crowd. A myriad of people surround them from the old couple right behind them to the mother with seven children right beside them. Suddenly Amy stumbles and grabs at her pouch; someone had tried to steal it. She calls for Dan’s help, but the thief had vanished into the crowd. We now cut to Agilika island and we hear Theo explain that they moved everything on Philae to Agilika because of the new damn. They don’t find anything.

    We cut to that night. We hear Amy’s voiceover of her thoughts about the hunt, and the frustration of not finding the connection. She suddenly hears a sound and immediately jumps out of bed and reaches for her bag. It isn’t there. She looks around and sees an open window and looks out, seeing Theo rushing out with a large bag towards a car. Amy screams and Nellie and Dan now jump out of bed and they see the scene and they all race down. Hilary is in the car. We cut to Amy and Dan interrogating Theo and Hilary acts clueless, but eventually Theo lets slip and Amy and Dan figures out that Hilary was also in on the plan the entire time. Hilary confesses her resentment towards Grace not helping a poor (in both the monetary and soul sense) out and Theo begs for forgiveness. Theo mentions that the money was so irresistible and that he already had a buyer lined up. Amy and Dan ask him who it was and they figure out that it was Irina, whom Theo had met in Nefertari’s tomb, where he was making the noise that night to scare Amy and Dan into giving him the statue for safekeeping. Amy exclaims that it all makes sense now because Irina would’ve never made a sound like that; she is far too good. Amy and Dan then devise a plan and forces Theo to comply in exchange for clemency.

    We see Theo approach Irina was a Sakhet statue in the gift shop of a museum, and they discuss the deal. 1 million for the statue. Irina goes to validate the statue alone and we see her notice the hairline fracture on the statue, open it up and reveal a fake clue pointing towards Morocco. She pockets the clue and hands the statue back to Theo and tells him that it was a fake. Theo protests but Irina glares at him and sends him off. After Theo leaves, we see Irina call to book tickets to Morocco. Amy and Dan, standing on the floor above, looking down into the gift shop smile and high five each other.

    They return to the hotel and say good-bye (more like good riddance) to Theo and Hilary. Nellie whines in the background of how her dream guy turned out to be a crook. They go into the reception and drop off the real Sakhet statue in the safety deposit box. While they are doing that, the receptionist tells them about Grace and how she was their best customer and how they had the piece of art that she was looking for. They give it to Amy and Dan and they take it up to the room. When they get in, Dan bursts out that this is their lead because in Grace’s letter, she said not to forget the art. They open it up and realise that the painting is two sided. By piecing together the two sides, they figured out where the clue was located on the sunken island. They are trying to figure out how to search the island when Amy notices that they’re being bugged. They immediately shut up and go over to examine the bug. Dan figures out that it is a wireless bug, so the eavesdropper must be nearby. They go into the reception area and spot Alistair Oh, who admits to the eavesdropping. They also have a confrontation because Alistair abandoned them in Korea, but he manages to explain to Amy and Dan his reasons and also provided them with a way to get to the island.

    We cut to the inside of a submarine. Alistair is at the controls, battling to stay on course; They get close enough to see that the clue is ½ a gram of M, but Alistair points out that it really isn’t M, because that’s the Madrigal symbol and they’ve destroyed the clue. At that point a heavy current catches Alistair off guard and they slam into the rocks, causing the submarine to start leaking. While everyone is panicking, Dan notices that there’s an upcurrent, which can carry them to the surface if they get to it. So with some effort, they push open the hatch of the submarine and swim towards the current, which shoots them up into the surface. Alistair apologises for the debacle, but parts ways with them there. Amy and Dan are staying in Egypt while Alistair is going back to Korea to do research, but offers them the suite at the Excelsior again if they ever needed to be in Cairo, telling them that Bae had gone back to Korea, so they were safe for a few days at least.

    Back at the hotel, Dan is examining the Sakhet doll and turns it upside down and notices that the base was not original, but in fact purchased at a shop in Cairo. Amy points out that Grace’s letter said to ‘End with the basics’ so they and Nellie book tickets back to Cairo.

    We cut to the inside of the shop, the shopkeeper greets them and tells them to feel free to look around. Dan presents the base to him and then asks about Grace and finally presents Sakhet, all to no avail. The shopkeeper doesn’t seem to recognise any of those things. However, Amy’s Jade necklace that she took from Grace (in the first movie) catches his eye; Amy notices and tells the shopkeeper that they’re Grace’s grandchildren. The shopkeeper finally admits to knowing Grace and adds that he had to be careful. He says that they’ve come at last and explains the story of how his grandfather and father helped Grace manufacture a fake Sakhet and etc. He goes to the back of the shop and brings out a Senet board, an ancient Egyptian game that looks like checkers. There is an alphabet lock on the case and the shopkeeper, Sami, tells them that Grace left something for them inside the drawer and that they’d know the answer. Amy and Dan go through Grace’s favourites to no avail and they look frustrated, before a poster catches Dan’s eyes. It is an old man, with a turban and a long white beard. Sami notices and says, ‘That’s Salah ad-Din, a famous Muslim commander. He built this part of the city in the 1100s.’ Amy and Dan look at each other and say, ‘Saladin.’ They try and the box opens at once, revealing a drawing of a flower. In the corner, the words mat 2.11 is written on it. Dan asks, ‘Why would we need to know the price of a mat?’
    We cut back to the suite in the Excelsior and Amy and Dan are poring over the botanical encyclopaedia online. But they don’t find anything. Nellie is sleeping on the bed and Saladin is lounging around. We cut forward in time and after only getting through half of the A’s, Amy suggests trying only the Egyptian plants. Nellie at this time is awake and helping them. They try hummus and acacia and etc. but nothing fits the picture. They retrace their steps throughout Egypt, and we eventually cut to a flashback of the Hatshepsut mural in Luxor. Amy says to try Myrrh, and sure enough it is the clue. They then realise that Mat 2.11 isn’t a price, but rather Matthew Chapter 2 Verse 11. They are celebrating and Nellie is about to order more room service, but a loud crash startles them and they rush out into the living room. They hear another crash come from behind the Ekat stronghold door and Dan immediately takes the umbrella and goes to open the door. Just before Dan turns the handle, Amy asks him if he’s sure because it could be Ekat agents or something, but Dan ignores her. Inside, they see that everything’s been smashed and the valuable artefacts have been taken (including the Sakhet statues). On the ground there is a giant M and Amy whispers, ‘Madrigals,’ her voice quivering as they slowly back away. We cut to black and credits roll.

    Edited by riczhang
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    Director: Matt Reeves
    Composer: Richard D. James
    Genre: Mystery Drama-Thriller
    Date: April 12
    Studio: Redlight Films
    Format: Live-action, regular
    Budget: $18 million
    Theaters: 2,016
    MPAA Rating: R for some disturbing images and language
    Running Time: 94 minutes
    Tagline: Players Wanted / They Will Change You

    Sterling Beaumon as Jeff
    Jordan Todosey as Emily
    Noah Gray-Cabey as Lawrence
    Philip Bolden as Perry

    Summary: Based on the popular urban legend, conspiracy theorist Jeff finds the secret of Polybius, an experimental arcade game.


    The film begins with several visual shots of flashing graphics akin to an arcade game (similar to this, don’t watch if epileptic:

    ). It then cuts out abruptly, leaving a neon blue text, POLYBIUS.


    The film begins in 1982, where we see hundreds of children and teenagers alike standing with dollar bills in a line in Portland, eagerly awaiting the opening of the local arcade. As the doors open, everybody rushes in and gathers around the arcade game Polybius. Some people fight over the space shooter, which comprises of visuals never seen before in an arcade, resulting in people getting pulled out of the arcade. At the end of the day, before the arcade closes, a man in a dark business suit gathers data from the Polybius cabinet, and leaves abruptly.


    We cut to present-day New York, where a guy in his 30s named Lawrence is sitting on the couch in his apartment. His hands are vibrating, and he has a distressful look on his face. Lawrence, through his eyes, sees a dark figure walking past his foyer, and starts screaming. He goes over to his friends’ apartment (Jeff and Perry), who are roommates, and starts collapsing in front of them. Lawrence keeps repeating, “find Polybius,” before he faints. Jeff and Perry call 911, and Perry tries to calm him down. An ambulance arrives soon.


    Jeff and Perry are now left with Lawrence’s words haunting them, “find Polybius.” Jeff does some research on this Polybius, and learns it was the name of a Greek historian who was known for his assertion that historians should never report what they cannot verify through interviews with witnesses, but it is also an arcade game, shipped to Portland in the summer of 1982, but disappeared a month later due to claims of depression and suicidal thoughts among its players. They find a lead in the case, a younger woman named Emily, who now works at a game store.


    When they visit her, Emily says she has knowledge of the game, but she doesn’t want to disclose it. She does, however, say she will help them find the actual game. They discover a leaked ROM of the game surfacing around the Internet, and download the file and play it. However, the game is very confusing to them. It seems to be nothing but flashing colors, with weird sound and graphics, along with no real objective. However, after “playing” the game, Jeff sees some hallucinations, and sees a name on his front door, SINNESLOSCHEN. They discover it’s the name of a government department, and decide to investigate the latter.


    The trio visit the department, who aren’t too eager when the name “Polybius” comes up. However, Jeff is able to convince the head of Sinnesloschen, Grant Cabey, to show them where Polybius cabinets are being stored. Grant says he has that taken care of, along with an experienced player. They are brought to an interrogation room, where they see their own friend, Lawrence, endlessly playing the game, staring at the screen without blinking once. After realizing their true intentions, Jeff attacks Grant and the other scientists, but the three are captured.


    Later, Jeff awakes in a room, where Emily and Perry are strapped to machines, asleep. Jeff is able to unhook himself, but alarms ring. Perry, having been brainwashed, attacks Jeff, and threatens to kill him if he doesn’t succumb to Polybius. “Everything is better when no other input is involved.” Jeff is able to knock out Perry, but Perry dies before he can get him out of his trance. Jeff wakes up Emily, and the two try to escape the facility, and it almost seems as if they do. They do have to face Grant, who tries to sway them once more to succumb to Polybius, as it’s the only way humanity can ever succeed. However, Jeff knocks him out, and the two run away. The two, thinking they have been freed, kiss.


    However, outside the system, we see two scientists working outside an interrogation room, watching Jeff, Emily, Perry and Lawrence playing Polybius. They write in their data logs that each subject has reached “normality.”



    Edited by Alpha
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    Director: Darren Aronofsky
    Composer: Clint Mansell
    Genre: Drama
    Date: June 28 (limited), July 19 (wide)
    Studio: Alpha Pictures
    Format: Live-action, 2D
    Budget: $20 million
    Theaters: 11 (6/28), 204 (7/5), 467 (7/12), 1,234 (7/19), 2,301 (7/26)
    MPAA Rating: PG-13 for some intense thematic material and language
    Running Time: 98 minutes
    Tagline: 40% Of US Citizens Define Themselves As Evangelical Christians / From The Oscar Nominated Director of Extrasensory and Resonance / Within The Sound Of Silence

    Jared Gilmore as Jacob Charleston
    Holly Hunter as Mary Westfeld
    William Finchter as John Ryan
    Tilda Swinton as Diane Charleston

    Mackenzie Foy as Rachel

    Jack Thompson as Kenneth

    Summary: A young agnostic teenager is sent by his fundamentalist Christian parents to a local church youth camp, where the unique level of faith is life-changing to some and disturbing to others.

    NOTE: Kansas is told in multi-camera documentary format, and not in a typical narrative. It is not technically “found-footage”, but instead shows a perspective of the singular viewer, and how he or she will react to the film’s situations.


    We see a patch of cornfields, from the perspective of a car. As we trek down the road, we see both Christian flags and a billboard that reads “meet me on Sunday before the game. - God.”




    We cut to a radio talk show called 107.7 NewsWorld FM, hosted by John Ryan, a middle-aged radio host. During caller time, John gets a call from an anonymous caller, who talks about how he recently enrolled his child in Mary Westfield’s Followers of God camp program at the Church Of The Lord Christ near Cherokee, Kansas, but took him out a week later due to the extreme conditions at the camp. “I think that when those people are training our children to be Christian soldiers...it just bothers me.”



    John agrees with the caller, and then proceeds to state that he has been a Christian his whole life, but continues to say how the mixing of politics and religion, especially in the Great Plains, is atrocious. “I mean, how is that a good message for our children?”




    We cut to a church, with the sign “Church of the Lord Christ” in front. It’s pretty placid, with a giant cross in the front. We hear some tribal music from inside. Inside, a massive audience of parents and children inside the main church room is watching a musical number of children performing an arena-rock gospel song. The kids are face-painted with green paint. We hear children talking through microphones. “There has never been a generation like this one. The Earth is filled with the dead and dying, in spirit and of body. But now is the time for the Lord and His glory to cover the Earth, and the water of the seas. NOW IS THE TIME. SPEAK THE WORD OF THE LORD!” This uproars into a hard rock performance with kids chanting “The word of the Lord, the word of the Lord in Zion!” over and over again. They mimic motions of a militaristic tribe. Sometimes, a young male’s voice sprouts with “SPEAK TO THE NATIONS!” The audience claps to the beat of the drums, and some people start praying and being very touched. After the performance, the entire church gives a standing ovation, with some even crying.


    After everyone is done clapping, an older woman named Mary Westfield steps up from her seat, and congratulates the performers on a terrific performance. She then talks to the parents about some things in the bookstore in the church, including a pamphlet called “School of Evangelism for Kids”, but it doesn’t sell well because some people think it’s a door-to-door thing, but really it’s just a way to help their children communicate with other kids their age about the word of the Lord. Mary also announces the church’s camp in July, the Followers of God Camp, which brings another round of applause, and that the kids in the audience should pray if they can go this summer.


    Now Mary calls for the children’s attention, to “stand up straight with smiley faces up.” Almost all the kids stand up straight and smile. Mary then asks the audience, “is there anyone is this audience who believes that God can do anything?” We focus on a mother raising her baby’s hand up for him, and motioning her rather disinterested son Jacob Charleston to raise his hand immediately. Mary then continues, and says that God can do anything. “We can just say, ‘God, fix the world!’ You all probably know that this is a sick old world. Well then LET’S JUST FIX THIS WHOLE WORLD! Kids you gotta change things! We got too many fat Christian grunt who are lazy, and won’t fast for a week or go without their evening meal. Listen, we have the keys, we can change the world. Boys and girls can change the world? OF COURSE THEY CAN!” The whole audience applauds Mary’s speech. Mary then leads the churchgoers in prayer, and people start intently praying. Some people seem as if they’re in a trance, murmuring random words. Some people start yelling in the children’s ears, that they can fix this world, and change humanity.


    We cut to a house around the same area, and we hear a children’s program on the TV. The program is about young-earth creationism, claiming that the events of Genesis are true, and they happened 6,000 years ago. We see a young child (Pearce Charleston) watching the show with delight, but his older brother sitting on the couch (Jacob Charleston) isn’t following the show that well. Jacob’s mother Diane says that he needs to come to the kitchen, and that it’s time for science class. She then pulls out a textbook entitled “Exploring Creation With Physical Science”. Without his mother seeing him, Jacob rolls his eyes. Diane then begins with global warming, and how it is a major political issue that the summer have been consistently warmer, and therefore global warming must be real. “Explain what’s wrong with this reasoning.” Jacob mumbles, “it’s only gone up 0.6 percent.” Diane nods her head, and confirms that “it’s not a lot.” She also brings up an example of where a public school teacher says to her kids, “Creationism is stupid, and you shouldn’t believe in it.” Jacob stutters for a second, and he’s about to say how that isn’t entirely realistic, but Diane continues on. The “science” lesson soon finishes, and Jacob then goes out to the front deck, and begins to stare at the lush cornfields on the other side of the road.


    We cut to a young girl named Rachel at a bowling alley, and she’s with her parents. Rachel is looking at a flip book about the resurrection of Jesus Christ, and repeating the words of the book out loud. She gets called by her parents that it’s her turn, so she puts the booklet down and picks up her bowling ball. She puts her head on the bowling ball, and prays to Jesus to make the ball hit all the pins. Rachel throws the ball, but the ball missed and lands in the gutter. Her parents still congratulate her on a nice throw to give her moral support. She sits down on a bench, and puts her head down. Rachel then walks to an older woman, and tells her while crying that she got a message from God that “He’s looking out for her, and that he has special plans for you.” The woman seems bewildered, but says “Thank you.” in a very nice voice. The dad sees her doing this, and congratulates Rachel on giving her the “good message.”


    We cut to John Ryan, speaking to another caller about his opinions on Evangelical Christian’s viewpoint of global warming, and both of them describe how crazy the idea of destroying the Earth is by conservatives. “Just rape the forests, just rape the fields, because Christ is coming one day now, and none of it’s gonna matter. I mean, you just wanna shake their shoulders, and yell in their faces, ‘Why do you think that this makes any sense?’” The other caller also shares that religion shouldn’t be taught as science, because science is the exact opposite of religion.


    DAY 1


    We cut to Jacob and Rachel at their households, packing for the summer camp. A bunch of other kids are seen putting their Bibles in their bags. One family begins the day with pledging allegiance to the Christian flag. “I pledge allegiance to the Christian flag and to the Saviour for whose kingdom it stands; one brotherhood, uniting all mankind in service and in love.” The mothers and fathers kiss their children goodbye as they leave their cars at the church site, where Followers of God Camp is being held. Inside, Mary and her fellow camp counselors are praying over the projectors, the PowerPoint presentations, and the hope that their message will not be corrupted by the Devil. Soon enough, all the kids pour in at 8 AM, and Mary walks up the podium with everyone looking at her.


    Mary responds with an excited “Good evening!”, to a standing ovation by the children and camp counselors alike. Mary then goes into a speech. “Now, thank all your children for coming this week, so I can present to you the truth. Now, we all know the devil is bad, right?” All the children nod in approval. “Well, here’s why the devil is bad. Satan uses tactics, that may seem like small things, but in the end, will destroy your lives with sin.” Mary pulls out two stuffed animals, a cute bobcat and a tiger plushie. Mary picks up the bobcat. “Now, sin is a very powerful thing, and to a child, it just doesn’t seem like a bad thing. It actually looks...cute. Warm and fuzzy. But remember, sin is designed to destroy everything good about you, and after cuddling with sin throughout your childhood, throughout your teenage years...by the time your an adult…” Mary now picks up the tiger plushie, and grabs it by the tail and swing it around. “You got yourself a tiger by the tail, and you don’t know which end is up. And what used to seem innocent, now controls your life.” Mary lays the stuffed animals down. “The devil goes after the young, and those who cannot fend for themselves. That’s why I want to help you, to protect you from that thing called sin.”


    “And while I’m on the subject of sin, let me say something about Harry Potter. Magicians are enemies of God, and it doesn’t matter if they’re a hero, they’re enemies of God. And had it been in the Old Testament, Harry potter would have been PUT TO DEATH!” After her speech about sin, the children start chanting “Amen!” and the audience gives a standing ovation to Mary. Mary then continues. “We won’t stand for wizards. We’ll stand for purity, and righteousness, and holiness, and you’re going to SERVE THE LORD ALL THE DAYS OF YOUR LIFE! And we declare all those things FOR YOU! I believe in it so much, I’ve spent my whole life trying to purify your souls, and make sure you find yourself in the hands of God.” There’s silence in the room. “You see, it’s one thing to say you’re a Christian, and another thing to be a Christian. Some kids in here aren’t the same as they are at church, then when they’re at school. You’re a phony, and you’re a hypocrite. But now it’s time to clean up your act. Now come up here, and get washed, children of God.” Mary pulls out a water bottle, and calls for everyone to put their hands under the top of the water bottle. The children form in a circle, and are “washed” by the water. “Father, we will wash our hands in the water of your glory!” The children begin crying, and there begins the chanting of “NO MORE DEVIL, NO MORE!” as we hear people crying, whispering, and chanting, as Mary yells in Latin.


    We cut to later that night, during a thunderstorm, the children, including Jacob, are inside their dormitories are flashing a flashlight around, playing in the dark. The children begin cackling, and start telling ghost stories with the flashlight up to their faces. A counselor comes in, and asks if everyone’s in bed. The kids say “no,” and Jacob says, “we’re telling ghost stories, wanna hear some?” The counselor says he’s not too crazy about ghost stories. “I mean, some of them are fun, but most just aren’t about God, and we should be sharing with each other the message of the Father, not some spooky tales. The children go to their beds, and the counselor says “good night,” and closes the door. Later, Jacob is speaking to another kid below on his bunk bed, asking him if he’s ever had doubts about God. The kid below responds, “yes,” and Jacob asks whether they ever stuck with them. The kid responds, “of course not. How could I?”


    DAY 2


    We cut to a bright sunny day outside the church site. Inside, Mary is typing a PowerPoint presentation, about how when Adam and Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil it resulted in sin and death. She finds a text dripping with blood for the word “death,” and finishes the slide with the statement “THE PUNISHMENT FOR SIN IS DEATH.” She’s quite proud of herself. Meanwhile, the kids rush outside for breakfast, and bacon and sausages are being served today. Before eating, everyone at the table chants “I’ve got Jesus, how ‘bout you?” over and over again, faster and faster, until they break out cheering.


    At one table, Jacob sits at a table with some other boys, and one of them states that some kid looks like Harry Potter. They all laugh, and the Harry Potter lookalike says he can’t watch Harry Potter because it’s considered witchcraft by his parents. Another kid says that his mom says the same, but his dad lets him watch it with him at night. Some of the other kids are appalled, even disgusted. However, their attitude changes when a counselor asks everybody to pray over their food. They all do so, but he sneaks in a little thing for America to make abortion illegal, and at the end everybody says, “Amen.” Jacob, also praying, asks God in his thoughts if what everyone’s saying is the truth.


    At a table outside the church, Rachel is scribbling on a letter, as she narrates. “Dear Mother: Camp has been excellent! I love being in the presence of God, and I’ve made so many new friends. Being in the same room with hundreds of dedicated Christians gives me a great feeling inside. I love you so much, and may Jesus be with you! Love, Rachel.” She draws a giant cross on the back. She then sees Jacob walking out, and both respond to each other with “hello.” The introduce themselves to each other, and Rachel asks how his time at camp has been. Jacob says, “fine,” but that it’s not special. Rachel asks why, and Jacob says that although he’s been a Christian his whole life, he’s had doubts about his faith. “I mean, my mother is very forceful. She doesn’t really like me having different opinions. I just think that, if there is a God out there, he wouldn’t appreciate the way my family forces their beliefs on me.” Rachel says that that seems very sad, but hopefully one day he’ll be a real Christian again, but if he ever changes his mind, she’ll be passing out flyers to go to the Church of the Lord Christ to bypassers in the town square. “You can join me.” Jacob responds, “we’ll see. You’re such a nice person.” Rachel thanks him, and the two say goodbye to each other.


    DAY 3


    At the sermon that day, an Australian camp counselor named Kenneth introduces himself, and the children welcome him with applause. Kenneth asks if everyone’s ready for fun tonight, and everyone screams with joy. Kenneth continues, “you’re gonna be a different person when you came into this camp, you’re gonna be on fire,” to more applause. Kenneth then raises a hammer, and says it’s his Holy Ghost Hammer. “Now, we’re gonna break some things tonight. We’re gonna break the enemy in government. They took Jesus out of your schools, but one thing they couldn’t do, is take Jesus out of your hearts. We can’t just sit back when there’s corrupt government. We want a Christian government, a government that brings joy into the hearts of the world, through Jesus. Now, how many of you want to break this cup, the cup of the enemy in the government?” The crowd starts cheering in approval, and Kenneth starts going around the room, looking for his first child to break the cup. He looks among the crowd, and sees Jacob. “Young man, will you give up your life for Jesus?”


    The whole room stares at him, and Jacob stutters. He knows if he doesn’t say yes, that he may be shunned by his peers and his teachers. He says “yes,” and the crowd cheers once more. He goes up to the table, and takes the hammer from Kenneth. He sees the cup on the table, and Kenneth repeats, “break it.” He thinks to himself not to break it over and over again, but finally settles the conflict. “I must.” He breaks the cup violently with the hammer, and everyone screams, cries and applauds. Jacob, having earned respect among his fellow peers, feels a new feeling in his heart.


    DAY 4


    We see the kids playing games on a campsite, where they chant “V-I-C-T-O-R-Y! That’s the Christian battle cry!” Jacob looks over the camp, and talks with the same kid from before (the kid under the bunk bed) on some rocks near a tree. Jacob states that he’s starting to feel a fear in him. “People seem to control me. I don’t know how, but it really feels subtle.” The kid from under the bunk bed states he hasn’t felt that in a long time. “If, like, ever.” Jacob looks at him, and states, “I guess it’s nothing personal.” At lunch, Mary comes up to the stage with a cardboard cutout of Sam Brownback, the current Governor of Kansas, and asks for the children to say hi to “Mr. Brownback.” The children monotonously repeat her words, and Mary asks for the children to bless him, thus beginning another deep prayer by the children and counselors alike, except this time over a figure of government.


    DAY 5


    An older counselor comes up to the crowd, and says he would like state a fact he knows is true. “We aren’t just tissue from a mother’s womb. We aren’t just 206 bones in a body. We are a child of God.” He calls up Jacob to the stage, and says that God has a plan for Jacob, are written in a book. “Throughout his childhood, Jacob will be a dedicated Christian. And he won’t sell out in his teenage years, he’ll start preaching at the age of 14 to the churchgoers. By the time he’s twenty, he could be in a Christian pop band, or running a megachurch. Signed God.” The counselor sends Jacob off, and says that 50 million of those “books” in recent history were never published, because of the “evils of abortion,” and the devil’s power in killing children. “Only God can make that kind of righteous judgement!” The kids begin chanting “righteous judgement!” over and over again, with their hands stretches out to the counselor. At this point, Jacob feels special, and touched by the counselor’s message. Mary in the back is crying. “It’s such a beautiful sight.”


    DAY 6


    As the week nearly closes, the kids take the day off. Jacob and the kid from under the bunk bed go play inside a large mouth in the side of a hill. After some exploring and playing, they rest. As they lay down, Jacob says it’s a perfectly designed cave. “The patterns inside the cave are beautiful, and the way the mouth forms outside of the mountain is unlike anything I’ve ever seen before. The kid under the bunk bed responds, “just the way God made it.” Jacob repeats the other kid’s statement.


    DAY 7


    On the last day, the kids get on a school bus, so they can visit the Kansas Supreme Court. It’s a very nice day out, so the weather should be fine. When they arrive, Mary and Kenneth lead the children in the worship song “Christian Soldiers Moving Onward To Battle.” The security guards watch the children sing the song, and display a variety of mixed emotions. Afterwards, the adults strip a piece of red tape to the mouths of the children, with the word LIFE written across. The final shot of this scene shows the kids lined up in a straight line, and the camera pans on all of them, ending with Jacob, who they close up on.


    The screen cuts to black for 30 seconds.


    We fade in to Mary, sitting inside her car, driving into a car wash as she listens to talk radio. We hear over the radio the radio talk by John Ryan from earlier in the film. He begins speaking about how if evangelical Christianity is meshed with government, it could create catastrophic results. “I mean, in Kansas, they can’t seem to find a focus. Should we trust the church, or should we trust the state? Everything’s so unclear, and what’s becoming more and more evident, is that nothing’s changing. No one’s saying anything as to why creationism is being integrated into science class, no one’s asking why camps are indoctrinating small children into going to war for Jesus, and no one’s asking when they see a kid praying on the street, if he really convinced himself of the existence of God, or whether he was taught. And no one can tell the difference in Kansas.”




    During the credits, Norman Greenbaum’s “Spirit in the Sky” plays, as we see footage of Jacob and Rachel passing out flyers to the Church of the Lord Christ to bypassers, who are really neutral about hearing “the good news.” They pause for a second, and Rachel asks Jacob if they really are going to really read the pamphlets they’re passing out. Jacob responds, “it’s safe to say I think they will, Rachel.”

    Edited by Alpha
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    Horror House 2

    Genre: Horror

    Date: 19 April

    Theaters: 3,570

    Rating: R

    Budget: 15M

    Studio: Millennium Films

    Format: 3D and 2D

    Director: Christophe Gans


    Isla Fisher- Lisa

    Lianca Liana [made up actress]- Tia

    Jeremy Renner- Lewis [just in flashback]


    Previous Film:

    Horror House 33,007,225/56,002,180



    This film is 10 years after the events of the first one.


    Single mum Lisa who has many mental breakdowns over the death of Lewis lives in her home with her daughter Tia. One evening Lisa goes to the bathroom and the light flickers. She turns around and sees her daughter so she thinks Tia is playing a trick. However Tia is now in bed when the light flickers again. Lisa believes it is the haunted house and leaves Tia in their home while going to the haunted house but Tia follows her.


    When she gets there, the haunted house chuckles back at her ‘I am going to kill you because you escaped the first time’. Tia doesn’t hear this though as she is not listening and thinks it’s a playhouse so she runs straight in but the house gobbles her up straight away but you don’t see her die. Lisa hates it even more and starts kicking the window. Some locals see this and call the police as they think she is some drunken mad woman.


    Lisa storms into house and screams back that shell kill the house because it killed Lewis. She faces all the hauntings of the first film and battles of the electric vampire and the toothless Dracula before the devil takes over her soul for her crimes and hatred against the horror house. The house now has another power to move as two people have been taken over by the devil in that house, so it goes round the area and firstly kills the locals and the police who kept thinking Lisa was a drunken idiot before killing the whole town of Killsville but the human population sign of Killsville remains at 1.

    Edited by The Fault In Our Stars
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