CAYOM YEAR 9: Part 1 (FOURTH QUARTER) (DEADLINE- 11/16 10:59 PM EST)

Films · July 5, 2014

Subway Surfers

Date: 21 June

Genre: Adventure

Theatres : 3,930

Rating : PG-13

Budget : 105M

Studio: Millennium Films

Director: Louis Leterier

Cast:

Jake- Jay Baruchel

Tricky- Emma Stone

Fresh- Anthony Mackie

Unknown- Yutani

Frizzy- Lupita N’Yongo

Lucy- Anna Kendrick

Tasha- Kate Upton

Prince K- Riz Ahmed

Main Police Officer- Nick Frost

The Dog- Simon Pegg [Voice]

Edited July 18, 2014 by Films

Dr Awesome · July 6, 2014

Portentous Dealings

Crime/Drama

Director: Steven Soderbergh

Cast: Jason Clarke (John), Tom Hardy (Jim), Javier Bardem (Valentin), and Penelope Cruz (Irma)

Release Date: April 19th

Theater Count: 2,861

Budget: $40 Million

The film begins in the Westside neighborhood of El Paso, the infamous side of town where all the rich doctors, lawyers and politicians live. It is 7am in the morning and John wakes up to the sound of his alarm clock. Unlike most people, John loves waking up in the mornings to go do a job that no one else does best. He gets up and kisses Irma, his wife, before he goes and takes a shower. When he finishes taking a shower he makes coffee for the road and is ready to go to work. John arrives in downtown EP and enters the Department of Justice center where he is greeted by coworkers with joy. He arrives at his office and sits down. John is in charge of the El Paso Division of the Drug Enforcement Agency. He works with both US cases and collaborates with Mexican forces to stop drug trafficking from being smuggled across the border. As John reads throughout a case that has recently been assigned to him by the San Diego DEA division, Jim, John’s best friend and partner in all his cases walks in the office. Jim and John go all the way back to high school and have been partners in crime ever since. “So, did you read the case that’s been assigned to our division?” says Jim. John says he hasn’t saying that he’s been thinking about what he’s going to get Irma for his one year anniversary of being together. Jim jokes around and reminds John that he’s missing out on the single life. John laughs and says that Jim should really consider settling down once and for all. “Hard pass” says Jim as he exits the office, “I’ll give you a few minutes while you look over that case.”

Throughout the day John goes over the case. San Diego DEA has stopped three members of a drug cartel at the border and that there is talk that the head of the cartel is moving out of Tijuana as a different cartel is now running the town and is moving into Juarez. Jim comes back and they discuss enforcing stricter rules at borders and to be on the lookout for any suspicious activity. “I’ll contact Mexican authorities tomorrow to let them know” says John as he wraps up his work day and is ready to go back home with his wife and take her out to eat for their anniversary. Jim tells John that the sex better be worth it and John gives him a wink as they both enter their cars and leave the parking lot. As John arrives home he calls out for Irma and she doesn’t respond. She goes upstairs and finds her talking on the phone in Spanish in their bedroom. Irma hangs up as soon as John enters the room and tells John that it was his grandma and that she’s really ill and she has to visit her in Juarez. “I’ll wait till tomorrow though” says Irma, implying that she’s just as excited as John about their plans for that night.

The evening goes as follows. John takes Irma to a very nice restaurant and he even has mariachis sing for her and orders the best wine. Irma asks John about their day and John gives Irma all the details, including what he found about the cartel. “I’m sure you’ll catch him” says Irma in Spanish. After that they go to scenic drive and look at the city from above. After, they arrive back home and they proceed to the bedroom where John put rose petals all over the floor and a gift in their bed. Irma is an awe and she opens the gift only to find a diamond necklace. She starts to cry and admits to John that coming from Mexico she couldn’t afford cheap jewelry, much less a diamond necklace. She kisses John and they proceed and have sex. During the middle of the night Irma gets a phone call and she starts speaking in Spanish. John sleeps through it, but Irma seems really concerned and grabs her purse and leaves.

The next morning John wakes up and calls for Irma and looks for her but she is nowhere to be found. He is about to call her when he sees a voicemail from her saying that her grandma is in the hospital in Juarez and last night she almost died. John sends Irma a text saying, “I hope everything is alright, baby” and continues through is daily routine. He gets a call from Jim telling him if he can have a ride since his car is in the shop and John goes to Jim’s house and picks him up. Jim asks about last night and John tells him he had a lovely evening. “Dude how was the sex?” says Jim. John laughs and tells him he doesn’t kiss and tell and Jim reminds John that he never has, not even when they were roommates in college. “I’m glad you’re happy man” says Jim and John tells him that he is gonna propose soon. Jim lowers the volume of the radio and tells John that he is moving too fast claiming that he has only known Irma for a year. John gets frustrated and tells Jim that they are both in love. “If you say so” says Jim.

They both arrive to Department of Justice building and proceed into their offices. As the day passes Jim enters and tells John to turn on his television. The TV reports breaking news about a recent happening at the Zaragoza international border crossing. The news report shows images of three vehicles that were initially searched by border patrol only to find drugs. Upon inspection one of the vehicles pulled out a gun and shot one of the border patrol officers. Luckily, there was enough back up to kill the man that fired first as well as catch the two other men before a full on gun fight occurred at the border.

Jim and John both arrive at the scene of the crime and see the amount of drugs that were passed at the border. The drugs included marijuana, meth, and a new type of drug that was made in Mexico and was a hit among the teen crowds, especially at raves. Both of them go into the interrogation room and question the two men, one by one. The first man refuses to say anything and in frustration John yells at him and cusses at him in broken Spanish. He just smiles and is escorted out. “I hope he knows he’s gonna rot in jail” says John in frustration. Jim laughs. The second man is brought in. He is a lot bigger and muscular and he is covered in tattoos. The man only talks in Spanish. John asks who is behind this drug trade and the man refuses to answer. He then notices a tattoo on his arm with the letter Z. The man is part of the Zetas cartel from Tijuana and the leader is named Valentin. Making this conclusion Jim tells him that they’ll catch Valentin before you know it with the man’s help or without it. John then adds that Jim is the best man for this job and he will not stop until they find him. The man then laughs uncontrollably until the verge of tears. Jim and John leave as they feel they won’t get any help from the men. As they are about to leave the man stops laughing and says “Placer conocerte John.” John looks at the man with disgust and with concern. “I didn’t tell him my name” says John to Jim as they get into the car and drive downtown. “Him knowing my name means that Valentin knows who I am” says John. Jim laughs and tries to calm him down. “Of course he knows who you are, you’re a badass” says Jim

The next couple of days consist of Jim and John trying to locate el Lobo’s location. They trace all the activity and information with collaboration from the Juarez police. They come up with a plan to take down el Lobo once and for all. Jason is a man in Juarez who knows people that are part of the Zetas and he is the way in. “Catching him can make national news” says John. Jim tells him that it’s not important and tells him that he’s killed so many people, some of whom were his friends. “I just want that motherfucker to be at a jail where he won’t be treated like a king” says John as they wrap up their work.

John arrives home and tells Irma his latest plan and tells her that if they catch Valentin they will finally get to go to Europe and all the places they have wanted to go to. Jim believes there will be a HUGE promotion if he does catch him. Irma is excited and she really wants Jim to catch Valentin. John decides that there is no better time for him to propose to Irma. He gets down in one knee and proposes. Irma starts to cry and says yes. They kiss romantically and Jim says that he’s sorry that he couldn’t make it as romantic as the movies. Irma laughs and says that she wasn’t a fan of exaggeration. She grew up in a poor colony in Juarez where simple was always better and having too much could get you killed. “I have to call Jim” says John to Irma with excitement and Irma smirks and says okay. John tells Jim and he yells with excitement and tells him that he is so happy for him. “I’m going to throw the best bachelors party for you bro” says Jim. John laughs and hangs up after telling him that he’s going to be the best man. Moments after, the celebration is put to a halt with the news that Irma receives from a family member via phone call that her grandma just passed away. Happy tears soon turn into tears of sadness and Irma tells Jim that she has to be with her family. John agrees and tells her that he will go to the funeral, paranoid that something can happen to him and his fiancé. Irma grabs a few things and puts them in a luggage and leaves to Juarez. “See you in few days” says John. They kiss.

The next day they meet with Jason, the man that is part of the Zetas. He gives John the exact location of Valentin and tells him that the Mexican authorities will be there waiting to arrest him. Once the Mexican authorities catch him they’ll give him to American authorities. John shakes his hand and heads home and finds a voicemail left by Irma giving him the location of her grandmother’s funeral.

Jim and John both attend the funeral of Irma’s grandmother. Once it’s over, Irma says goodbye to family members and tells them goodbye. The family members look at John with disgust and they think marrying a gringo and moving to the United States is a sign of being a traitor in their family. They never really liked him. As they are heading home a crowd is blocking one of the streets. People are screaming and soon police men and news reports arrive at scene. John decides to get down and see what all the fuss is about. He instructs Irma to stay and tells Jim to keep an eye on her. He approaches the crowd and finds a beheaded man hanging from a post with a message on a white wall saying “ERES UN IDIOTA, A MI NADIE ME ENGANA (You’re an idiot, no one fools me).” He takes a closer look at the decapitated head and sees that it is Sergio. Suddenly, Valentin approaches John and whispers in his ear telling him that he should stop trying to catch him and just let him do his job. Before he can turn around and do anything Valentin disappears through the crowd of people. John goes back into his vehicle and doesn’t say a word of what he saw. Both Irma and John are concerned and during the line to get back into the US he tells them what happened. Irma is speechless and John tells Jim that maybe they shouldn’t continue any further. “If he wanted me dead, he would have killed me right there” says John. “Maybe he’s just waiting for the right moment” says Jim. Irma begs John to stop the investigation. John says he can’t, which leaves Irma talk less the whole ride back to the Westside.

The next couple of weeks consist of failed attempts of plans set up by Jim and John through the Mexican authorities. Several people have died in trying to capture Valentin including civilians that are at the wrong place at that specific time. Jim tries to convince John that all the lives lost aren’t worth catching that man. John then shows Jim an old newspaper from six years ago and that shuts Jim up. The old newspaper has the headline that a local girl was found dead after taking drugs while on a trip to Cancun. “I don’t want what happened to my sister to happen to anyone else” says John. Jim then agrees to help his best friend out. They discuss a plan after they realize that Mexican police men are very corrupt and since American forces can’t cross the border, they will assemble a few men of their own and find Valentin and take him down. Fortunately, there is a man they trust that works in the Mexican authority and that is where they get the information on Valentin’s whereabouts. Jim asks John how’s Irma holding up and tells him that she hasn’t talked to him as much, especially since he doesn’t let her go to Juarez.

They meet with the men and discuss the plan on taking down Valentin. The place where he is located is surrounded by men with guns at every corner. Before entering the street there is people on guard and they tell the security men of any intruders or any suspicious activity. The key is taking them down first so they can make a sneaky entrance. They agree for the plan to go into action a week from that date.

John arrives home and notices that Irma’s car is not in the garage and notices a voicemail. Irma tells him that he can’t deny her not seeing her family and says that she’ll be back by 5pm. John freaks out but remains calm as he has no reason to worry, after all they want him not her. Hours go by and still no sign of Irma when suddenly he receives a phone call from her. John answers, Valentin tells him that he told him to stop investigating and trying to catch him. If he doesn’t stop he’s going to kill Irma. John yells at him, “Listen here you son of a bitch, leave my fiancé alone!” But it’s too late. He hangs up on him. Devastated he calls Jim in tears and tells him that it’s his entire fault and that they have to strike now while they can. Jim agrees and they gather up the guys, cross the border and approach the location.

They reach the beginning of the street and manage to kill three men silently and proceed towards Valentin’s hideout. Unfortunately, once they reach the house, the Zetas start firing at Jim and his men, injuring some and even killing one of the men. There are casualties on both sides and Jim says “fuck it” and throws a grenade at the gate. They duck and the gate explodes, along with it the Zetas who are guarding it. They go inside into the patio area and see more Zetas coming towards them. A shootout occurs once again killing more of John’s men and they give signs to John and Jim to proceed inside. They do so and manage to kill the two men guarding Valentin’s room from the outside.

They go inside and they see Irma with her hands behind her back and tape around her mouth. “One move and I’ll shoot her” says Valentin. “You’re forgetting there’s two of us and one of you Valentin, or do they not teach math here in Mexico” says Jim. Valentin laughs and suddenly Irma unties herself and has a handgun with her and is pointing it at Jim. John is confused and disappointed. Valentin and Irma kiss still while pointing their guns at them. John’s heart breaks and Valentin explains everything to him. Irma was never in love with John. In fact, the only reason they met was because Valentin knew that John would want to stop his operation and he needed to get rid of him. Irma laughs at John and throws his engagement ring at the floor. “Why didn’t you just kill me? Instead of faking you loved me” asks John and Irma tells him “I love to put on a good show. I should be in a novella” and laughs. “You crazy bitch” says Jim as he fires at Irma. The bullet misses Irma and a gun fight takes place between the four of them. Jim runs out of ammo and is shot by Valentin. John tries to take Jim out of the line of fire and in doing so he gets shot multiple times in the back by Irma. John falls on Jim, who can’t get up due to the bullet in his abdomen. Irma and Valentin laugh and tell Jim that his best friend was too stubborn and stupid. He also tells him that he runs the police here in Mexico. A few moments after he says that, sirens are heard and Irma is told to go look at what’s going on and says that the “good cops” were here. Irma doesn’t stop and think for one second and makes a run for it without Valentin. “My brother may be dead but there’s no way in hell you’re getting away” says Jim reaching for John’s gun with all the force he has left and shoots Valentin, not in the heart because he wants him to rot in American prison. The Mexican authorities come and arrest Valentin and tell him that they will hold him for a day and then hand him over to the US. Jim passes out.

While in the hospital, Jim wakes up to the sound of John laughing at Jim saying, “You’re such a pussy. You can’t even take a bullet.” Jim smiles and tells him that he always had a bad feeling about Irma. “Yup, that bitch was loco!” says John. John thanks Jim and apologizes for all the trouble he caused and Jim tells him that he’s just good at the job and tells Jim that Valentin is in prison now and he will rot there. “Mary would be proud brother” says Jim as he is getting tired once again. “I’ll tell her you said hello” says John as Jim falls asleep.

When he wakes up there are masses of news reporters outside the hospital. Jim turns on the television and sees his face on CNN with headlines stating the deaths of the men who captured Valentin along with his name, meaning he was the only survivor. Jim cries at the thought of really losing his best friend. He is interviewed as he finally gets to leaves the hospital. Jim speaks during John’s funeral where plenty of people go to and during his eulogy says that John would want him to continue working with the DEA and stop drug trafficking no matter what it takes and adds that more support would be helpful. “John was a badass” says Jim with a smirk on his face.

Edited July 26, 2014 by Dr Awesome

Blankments · July 6, 2014

Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Underworld

Writer-Director: Clark Gregg
Producers: Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez
Genre: Action/Satire
Date: April 5
Studio: Blankments Productions and Badass Films
Format: Filmed in 3D; IMAX 3D
Cast: Chuck Norris as Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson as Liam Neeson, Mr. T as Mr. T, Clark Gregg as Clark Gregg, Salma Hayek as Salma Hayek, Dwayne Johnson as Dwayne Johnson, Mel Gibson as Mel Gibson, Quentin Tarantino as Quentin Tarantino, Samuel L. Jackson as Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan as Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis as Bruce Willis, Christopher Lloyd as Christopher Lloyd, Willem DeFoe as Satan, Jamie Foxx as Jamie Foxx, Conan O’Brien as Conan O’Brien, Steven Ho as Steven Ho, Jeffrey Tambor as Jeff Zucker, Nicolas Cage as Nicolas Cage, AnnaSophia Robb as Jessie Neeson, Billy Bob Thornton as Santa Claus, Mila Kunis as Mrs. Claus, Morgan Freeman as the Sea Demon, Christopher Lee as the Snow Demon, and James Earl Jones as the Land Demon. (the last five are not in any marketing).

Cameos at the very end include Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Dionysus, Armie Hammer as Ares/Blue Beetle, Andrew Garfield as Loki, AnnaSophia Robb as Freyja, Olivia Wilde as Isis, Chris Pine as Osiris, Bradley Cooper as The Flash, Zachary Levi as Booster Gold, Channing Tatum as Martian Manhunter, David Tennant as Plastic-Man, Rachel Nichols as Wonder Woman, Garrett Hedlund as Aquaman

Music by: Rush
Runtime: 141 min
Tagline: The Badasses Are Bad-back!

Plot Summary: Really, you need a summary? Look at the title.

Plot:

BLANKMENTS PRODUCTIONS PRESENTS

Mel Gibson holds the gun against Mrs. Claus’s head, threatening to shoot her if Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, and Santa Claus do not give up the North Pole. Liam Neeson tackles Mel Gibson, and the two roll on top of each other. Mel Gibson pulls out his pistol, but Liam Neeson knocks it out of his hand. However, Liam Neeson’s backhand accidentally triggers the gun, shooting and killing both Liam Neeson and Mel Gibson.

IN ASSOCIATION WITH BADASS FILMS

Chuck Norris runs to Liam Neeson’s body, hoping to hear a few last words, but Liam Neeson is already dead.

A CLARK GREGG JOINT

Santa Claus goes to comfort Chuck Norris, who tells the jolly man that Liam Neeson only came to help him get his mansion back. Santa Claus snaps his fingers, and says Chuck Norris’s mansion is back. More importantly though, Santa Claus tells Chuck Norris of an epic journey he can take to save the lives of all who have died in his life. However, their mangled bodies must be sewed back together, which Mrs. Claus volunteers for.

CHUCK NORRIS

Chuck Norris asks what he must do, and Santa Claus tells him that the gateway out of the Underworld rests in Conan O’Brien’s studio thanks to the deal he made with the devil. Mr. T’s eyes widen; he’s finally going to take on Conan O’Brien.

LIAM NEESON

Santa Claus tells Chuck Norris he can save the souls of Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis, and most importantly, Liam Neeson.

IN

Santa Claus then asks Mr. T of waiting around for a bit to take the bodies of Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis, Liam Neeson, and Chuck Norris to Conan O’Brien’s studio for revival. Mr. T smiles, saying it’ll be his pleasure.

CHUCK NORRIS

Chuck Norris asks why he mentioned his body, and Santa Claus hands Chuck Norris a pistol, saying the only way into the Underworld without losing all your memories is to shoot yourself with Santa Claus’s magic pistol. Santa Claus asks Chuck Norris if he’s ready to do anything to save Liam Neeson and his friends.

AND

Chuck Norris says he made a promise; not only to himself, but to Liam Neeson’s daughter. He will do anything to save his friends. Santa Claus grimaces and hands Chuck Norris the gun.

LIAM NEESON

Chuck Norris puts the pistol against his head and shoots himself.

VS. THE UNDERWORLD

We see Satan in his lair. He asks his visitor what he wants. His visitor, shrouded in shadows, says he has an offer he can’t refuse. Satan turns to him, and asks him what he’s talking about. The visitor explains that he has in his hands the blueprints for what he’s calling a “rift gate,” of which he already has a fully functioning prototype, built where Chuck Norris’s mansion used to be. Satan asks the visitor if the Giant Spider attack was planned by the visitor, and the visitor says that was partially an experiment using the Rift Gate, but he didn’t understand why giant spiders came out with the phenomena already existing in other parts of the world. Shrugging it off, the visitor continues explaining. This rift gate, if placed near Conan O’Brien’s studio, would allow creatures from multiple realities, be it movies, books, television shows, or even the Underworld, to walk the Earth. Satan is interested, saying that if this gate was used, he could use it to start a full scale invasion of earth. Satan asks how it could be started immediately, and the visitor states that if he could have the blood of a man worth more than his soul’s value, then the Rift Gate would work immediately. Satan says it’s impossible to find a man like that nowadays, and the visitor shrugs, and starts to disappear, revealing himself to be a hologram. The visitor tells Satan that if he finds the righteous man, he will kill him and start the gate for himself, and Satan better watch himself. Satan tells the visitor to f*ck off, but the visitor smiles, revealing himself as Jamie Foxx. Jamie Foxx states that Satan is the one who will be f*cking off soon enough, and then disappears. Satan, confuddled, declares that that makes no sense!

Meanwhile, at the North Pole, Chuck Norris’s body hits the floor. Santa Claus declares that Mr. T must act quickly, for it’s a long, long walk from the North Pole to Conan O’Brien’s studio. Mr. T frowns, saying that he didn’t know he had to take such a foolishly long way of getting there. Mrs. Claus graciously offers the use of the sleigh to Mr. T, and Mr. T thanks her for it, saying he’s glad he won’t look like a fool. Santa Claus rolls his eyes at this, but orders elves to load the sleigh with the dead badasses’ bodies. Mr. T takes off soon after, and Santa Claus says he’s really annoyed about not having the sleigh. Mrs. Claus asks if sex will make him feel better, and Santa Claus quickly says YES.

Chuck Norris’s eyes open. He’s in an elevator with another person. That other person screams in terror for a solid ten seconds until Chuck Norris roundhouse slaps him. The other person apologizes; he just didn’t imagine Chuck Norris would appear out of nowhere in the backdoor elevator to the Underworld. The man introduces himself to Chuck Norris as Nicolas Cage, and Chuck Norris says he’s Chuck Norris. Nicolas Cage remarks that of course he recognized Chuck Norris; after all, who’s more recognizable, Walker, Texas Ranger or an Academy Award winning actor? Chuck Norris rolls his eyes, and asks Nicolas Cage what brings him to the Underworld. Nicolas Cage smiles, stating that he’s there to study for a role he has coming up. Nicolas Cage asks Chuck Norris why he’s heading to the Underworld. Chuck Norris says he’s going to save his dead friends. Nicolas Cage is silent. Chuck Norris curses, saying he’s pissed Santa Claus didn’t tell him you could enter the elevator a different way than getting shot in the head with the magic pistol. Nicolas Cage answers that actually, the magic pistol was probably a lot easier than the two-day slog to get booked on CONAN. Chuck Norris admits this is a good point when the elevator door opens, revealing the Underworld. Nicolas Cage asks Chuck Norris if this is his first time, and Chuck Norris nods. Nicolas Cage offers to guide Chuck Norris to the Fields of Dead Badass Celebrities Guys in Peace, and Chuck Norris takes him up on it, figuring that that’s where Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis will be.

Meanwhile, Mr. T lands the sleigh in a parking garage adjacent to the studio where CONAN is filmed. He soon finds himself with an issue: how can he carry five bodies without being noticed? Lucky for him, he finds a spare sack of Santa Claus’s on the ground of the sleigh. He throws the bodies into the sack and tightens the sack up to be the size of a backpack, which he promptly wears. As he heads down the studio, Mr. T gives himself a pep talk. After all, Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis are counting on him. It’d be foolish if his vendetta against Conan O’Brien ruined his chances of saving his friends’ lives. He vows to himself not to be a fool, and instead, be kind to Conan O’Brien, as getting into his studio is the only chance. He arrives at the studio and sees Conan O’Brien himself getting stuff ready. Mr. T walks up to Conan O’Brien, and introduces himself. Mr. T states he’s been a fool not to try to book himself on CONAN. Conan O’Brien blushes and says he’d love to have Mr. T on the show... but they’re booked for the evening. Conan O’Brien asks if he’d be okay if he was the guest of honor tomorrow. Mr. T frowns, but says it’s foolish but okay. Mr. T does ask though who is the guest tonight, and Conan O’Brien states that it’s Jamie Foxx. Mr. T looks suspicious, but then shrugs, saying the name of the fool sounds familiar, but he can’t place it.

Chuck Norris and Nicolas Cage arrive at the Fields of Dead Badass Celebrities Guys in Peace, and it is hopping. So many dudes are partying it up, having sex with various demons. Nicolas Cage says the guys always have sex with the demons at the same spots, so if Nicolas Cage wants, he can take him to all of the people Chuck Norris wants to meet. Chuck Norris says that’d be cool. Nicolas Cage first leads Chuck Norris to Samuel L. Jackson. On the way there though, Chuck Norris spots Quentin Tarantino sucking a demon’s toes. Nicolas Cage introduces Chuck Norris to Samuel L. Jackson, but Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t remember him, instead calling himself Sam. As Nicolas Cage takes Chuck Norris to Jackie Chan, Nicolas Cage explains that no one remembers the past once they’re dead except for a fragment of their name. For example, Quentin Tarantino would think of himself as “Quent” only. They pass by Dwayne Johnson (“Dway”) who’s having sex with a bunny demon and run into Jackie Chan. Introductions are done and Chuck Norris meets “Jack.” They move onto the next person, but see Mel Gibson (“Mel”) having sex with a CGI Adolf Hitler on the way there. Nicolas Cage explains that some demons can shapeshift into imitations of one’s big influence and Chuck Norris nods at this. Chuck Norris meets Bruce Willis, or now just Bruce, and moves on. On the way to the final guy, Chuck Norris sees something very odd: Clark Gregg (“Clar”) having sex with Salma Hayek (“Sal”). Chuck Norris asks if Sal is an imitation, and Nicolas Cage is surprised to see her. Chuck Norris almost goes over to punch Clar out, but instead finds himself face-to-face with Liam Neeson, who isn’t having sex. Instead, he staring off blankly into the universe, talking about how, ultimately, death means nothing. Everything is without feeling. Chuck Norris introduces himself, and Liam Neeson gives a faint smile, stating that he wishes he knew a Chuck. He introduces himself as “Li” and Chuck Norris can’t take it anymore: he breaks down manly crying into Li’s arms. Li cries too, if only for the futility of anything. Nicolas Cage feels awkward so he leaves them to their manly sobbing.

Satan paces his lair in the lowest layer of the Underworld. He talks to himself, stating he knows what he must first do. He pulls out his Book of Condemned Souls and writes Jamie Foxx’s name in it. He smiles for his petty-but-not-petty revenge. Satan wonders to himself what Jamie Foxx’s game plan could be. He thinks and then figures it out: Foxx wasn’t that open about himself, so he must be sending one of his own men into the Underworld. He pulls out the Guestbook of Not Totally Dead people and looks at the two recent logs. He shrugs at Nicolas Cage, understanding his need to be method-acting for an upcoming role but then sees the next name on the list: Chuck Norris. Satan is instantly terrified: after all, Chuck Norris is the second most ultimate badass, after, well… Satan turns to look at the big portrait on his wall: Satan with his big brother, Santa Claus. Satan smiles, saying he always loved his big brother, but then quickly turns back to the problem at hand. He presses the Chuck Norris log in the book, and we see the floor of the Underworld give out under Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris quickly pushes Li off of him and falls down to the Underworld’s lowest levels.

Cut to an apartment. We see Jessie Neeson watching an episode of CONAN. On the episode, Jamie Foxx is cracking jokes with Conan O’Brien, but then at the end of the interview, jumps under Conan’s desk. Conan O’Brien laughs, saying that’s the second guest this week to end their interview that way. The audience laughs. Jamie Foxx is in the elevator but before the elevator can do the scan, he shoots out the elevator cord. The scan is interrupted by the huge fall of the elevator, but Jamie Foxx quickly shoots a grapple out of a grapple gun to the bottom of Conan O’Brien’s desk and lowers himself safely to on top of the elevator wreckage and the entry to the Underworld. He heads to the Field of Dead Badass Celebrities Guys in Peace and rolls his eyes at the demons, saying they’ll be in the way of his plan. He quickly dispatches the demons by rapping awfully on purpose about what the Foxx says, scaring them away. Dway asks Jamie Foxx who he thinks he is, and Jamie Foxx says he’s here to be a friend, introducing himself as simply Jamie. Sam says he thinks something is up with this guy, and Jack flicks Sam off, telling him to calm down. Nicolas Cage announces a potluck for the new member of the Dead Badass Celebrities Guys in Peace, and Jamie Foxx graciously accepts. Li is too morose to join however, but Jamie Foxx leaves him be. Sal says she should be going, but Jamie Foxx slaps her butt to make her feel welcome. Suddenly, Christopher Lloyd (“Chris”) streaks in, saying he’s sorry he wasn’t there, he was too busy taking a bath. Jamie Foxx welcomes him too, and Nicolas Cage gives them all bug-eyes, kinda weirded-out. Cut back to the episode of CONAN. Conan O’Brien feels a bit awkward so he calls Mr. T and asks him if he wants to be bumped up to be the second guest of the night, since Jamie Foxx left a tad earlier than expected. Mr. T says he’d be a fool not to take the opportunity.

Chuck Norris wakes up in Satan’s lair. Chuck Norris asks Satan who he is, and Satan rolls his eyes and points his red pitchfork at him. Satan tells him to take a wild guess, and Chuck Norris guesses he’s Satan. Satan sarcastically applauds while telling Chuck Norris he has a problem on his hands. You see, the Underworld has been having unusual security breaches in recent days, and Satan usually doesn’t care. After all, if people want to visit the Underworld before their time, that’s fine by him since, well, the entrance is so hard to get to. Chuck Norris asks Satan what he means, and Satan states that he knows Chuck Norris isn’t completely dead. He then asks why Chuck Norris is in the Underworld, and Chuck Norris explains he’s here to save his friends. Satan laughs, saying that once people die, as long as he’s around, they cannot escape without his express permission. Chuck Norris challenges Satan to a fight for his friends, but Satan declines, saying that it wouldn’t be a fair fight. Chuck Norris rolls his eyes and begins a Chuck Norris vs. Satan fight!! Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Satan in the face, but Satan teleports away! Chuck Norris looks around, when Satan materializes in thin air and then tackles Chuck Norris to the ground! He snaps his fingers, making fiery chains around Chuck Norris’ wrists, bolting him to the floor! Satan laughs, saying Chuck Norris should’ve known better. However, he has an offer for Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris, with the help of one friend with regained memories, must face and defeat the Three Elemental Demons of Pure Hellfire. Chuck Norris accepts the challenge, and Satan asks who he’ll take for help. Chuck Norris smiles and answers. Liam Neeson.

Up at Nicolas Cage’s potluck, everyone is eating, drinking, and being merry. Well, everyone except Li, who is instead staring off into the distance morosely. He muses that if this is what has become of him, Li, in the afterlife, he can’t imagine how awful his past was. Suddenly, the ground opens up underneath him, and he too falls down into the depths of the Underworld. Meanwhile, Satan says that in order to regain memories, Chuck Norris will have to kiss Liam Neeson on the lips. Chuck Norris does a double take at that, and asks Satan why that’s necessary. Satan explains that it really isn’t necessary, but since he’s a sadist who gets sick pleasure out of awkward kissing, Chuck Norris must do it. Chuck Norris sighs, saying he’d rather roundhouse kick Liam Neeson, and Satan says that’s not an option. Li lands in Satan’s lair, and asks what Chuck is doing there. Chuck Norris clenches his fists with rage at Satan and asks if there isn’t another way. Satan winks and says that no angel born in Hell could break the spell of death. Chuck Norris rolls his eyes, and kisses Li. Time slows down and we enter Li’s eyes. We see him enter Hollywood, and get a quick highlight reel of his most famous roles. We see him accept the role for Clark Gregg’s independent film, and arguing with Chuck Norris for the first time. We see him and Chuck Norris team up to fight the Loch Ness Monster, the Abominable Snowman, and Bigfoot. We see his tears of joy of being reunited with his daughter, Jessie. We see him wrestle Mel Gibson, and then the gun going off. LIAM NEESON IS BACK, BABY! He screams and then pushes Chuck Norris off him. Chuck Norris asks if it worked and Liam Neeson slaps Chuck Norris in the face and kicks him in the balls. Liam Neeson says never to kiss him again. Satan laughs with delight as the fires in his lair climbs high into the night. Liam Neeson then asks Chuck Norris what’s going on. Chuck Norris explains why he had to kiss Liam Neeson, and then explains the deal with the trials. Liam Neeson realizes the graveness of the situation and asks Satan to begin the trial. Satan smiles and snaps his fingers.

Backstage at Conan O’Brien’s, we see Mr. T with Santa’s sack right by him. Mr. T coaches himself not to be a fool; remain calm for his friends. A stagehand tells him it’s time. And CONAN returns from commercial break! Conan O’Brien announces his next guest; Mr. T! Mr. T enters and takes a seat. Conan O’Brien talks to him using some fun banter, asking Mr. T where he has been in the movies. Mr. T explains that he’s been making friends, something he didn’t do earlier in his career rather foolishly. Conan O’Brien asks who his friends are, and Mr. T says that it’s none of Conan O’Brien’s business. Conan O’Brien is shocked by the answer, but continues on with the interview. He asks Mr. T about the viral videos he’s involved with, and Mr. T says he has no idea what he’s talking about. Conan O’Brien then plays a clip. In the clip (footage from vs. GIANT Spiders,) Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson arun up to where Mr. T is standing. However, tranquilizer darts are wearing off on the giantester spider of all time, but Mr. T doesn’t notice. When Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson arrive, the giantester spider of all time suddenly wakes up and roars, eating Mr. T in a split second. Back on CONAN, Conan O’Brien laughs at the clip, saying the idea of Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, and Mr. T fighting giant spiders is hilariously absurd. Mr. T remains quite as Conan O’Brien continues, saying the other clips, featuring Samuel L. Jackson, Bruce Willis and Jackie Chan are probably the best bit of Internet television in a long time. Conan O’Brien asks who came up with the idea of casting Billy Bob Thornton as Santa Claus, and Mr. T has had enough! He stands up on the test, and Conan O’Brien quips, asking if he’s trying for another viral video. Mr. T begins to rant, stating that he used to be someone in the town; the baddest badass around, but then something changed. The crowd moved onto someone new: Chuck Norris. Mr. T explains that he used to blame this all on that person, Chuck Norris, but after meeting him, he discovered that Chuck Norris was a pretty swell guy. The bad person, the person who caused Chuck Norris’s newfound popularity, is Conan O’Brien. However, Mr. T came in ready to forgive Conan O’Brien for all of his wrongdoings. After all, Chuck Norris ended up being nice. Now though, Mr. T realized something even worse: Conan O’Brien, despite all evidence to the contrary... does not believe in Santa Claus. Conan O’Brien, expecting something much worse, bursts out in laughter at this revelation. Mr. T then dumps Santa’s sack on the ground, spilling the bodies. Conan O’Brien becomes very quiet as Mr. T says this is proof of Santa Claus. He then turns Conan O’Brien, and says, while pulling out his gun, that he came here to save his friends from the Underworld, not to kill Conan O’Brien. However, it looks like he has the chance to accomplish both. Conan O’Brien gulps, and asks Mr. T for mercy. Mr. T considers it, and then tosses his gun to the side. Mr. T states it would be foolish not to challenge Conan O’Brien to an actual fistfight. Conan O’Brien accepts but then whistles. From the rafters comes Steven Ho, ready to fight on the side of Conan O’Brien. Mr. T grimaces but then goes into for the fight.

Cut to Nicolas Cage’s potluck. Nicolas Cage begins serving some pigs in a blanket to everyone as Sam calls over his two best friends, even in death, over to talk with him: Jack and Bruce. Sam explains he’s getting really bad feelings about Jamie Foxx (or rather just Jamie), and Jack just rolls his eyes, saying that Sam already complained about Jamie. Bruce backs up Sam though, agreeing that something is off about Jamie. On a two-to-one vote, the three decide to head to the Dead Dude’s Relocation Committee to ask for Jamie to be transferred. Back at the potluck though, Jamie Foxx tells a story to Quent, Dway, Mel, Clar, Sal, and Chris. Jamie Foxx explains that he thinks that hell and heaven are way overrated. Why separate dead people on whether or not they went to church? Jamie Foxx explains that when he took a role in The Amazing Spider-Man 2, a little part of him died and Satan sent it to the Lake of Fire. No one deserves that amount of pain… no one except Satan. Quent asks why they should care. Jamie Foxx grimaces, and explains that all people who cannot remember their names are eventually sent to the Lake of Fire after five years of residence in the Underworld. Then they will spend three years in horrible, unrescuable, pain, until finally they cease to exist. Jamie Foxx offers to tell all of them their names if and only if they swear total allegiance to him. The six dead people stare at each other and agree to Jamie Foxx’s demands. Jamie Foxx starts with Dway, and puts his hand on his forehead and states “Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.” Dwayne Johnson’s eyes flicker simply to scenes of him signing his name on various items and nothing more. Dwayne Johnson smiles, having an identity for the first time in a while. Jamie Foxx asks who’s next as Nicolas Cage looks on in fear, and then leaves the area.

Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson are in a ring. Satan recaps the rules: Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson must defeat three demons in hand to paw combat. If they fail, they’ll immediately be thrown into the Lake of Fire. If they win, Satan will free Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis from the Underworld. The fight begins in three! Chuck Norris asks if Liam Neeson is ready. Liam Neeson says he’s as ready as he’ll ever be. Two! Liam Neeson says he has one question for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris says shoot. One! Liam Neeson asks if Chuck Norris ever made sure Jessie was checked up on, since, you know, they might have some people after them on Earth. Chuck Norris chuckles and Liam Neeson’s eyes narrow. GO! Three demons in the shape of giant dogs (kinda like Clifford the Big Red Dog, actually) fall into the pit. Satan laughs and starts singing lalas and dodos to be the musical score for the fight. The three demons introduce to themselves to Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson as the Sea Demon, the Snow Demon, and the Land Demon. Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson glance at each other and say “Déjà vu” in perfect unison. Now, it’s time for the first actual fight of the movie: Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Sea Demon, the Snow Demon, and the Land Demon! Immediately, Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson run to tackle the Snow Demon into the flames surrounding the pit! The Snow Demon immediately melts in agony, dying! Satan screams in anger, berating himself for not turning off the fire! Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson look at each other and nod, splitting up their hunt! Chuck Norris goes after at the Sea Demon and roundhouse kicks it in the face! The Sea Demon melts into water in response, and goes over to merge in the water remaining from the Snow Demon, allowing it to become bigger! Satan laughs! Meanwhile, Liam Neeson runs to the Land Demon and puts up his fists! The Land Demon laughs and eats Liam Neeson whole! This was a terrible mistake though, as everyone knows that if you’re going to eat Liam Neeson, you better chew him up first! Liam Neeson goes into the stomach of the Land Demon and beats up from the inside, carefully avoiding the uvula to keep the tactical advantage! The Land Demon feels sick, and then promptly explodes, leaving Liam Neeson unharmed! Satan goes “NO!” Liam Neeson asks Chuck Norris if he needs help, and Chuck Norris answers with a resounding YES, being rag-dolled all over the place! Liam Neeson kicks out the Sea Demon’s teeth with a running start! The Sea Demon recoils, spitting out Chuck Norris! Chuck Norris realizes that the Sea Demon is made of water, and he tells Liam Neeson to repeat their strategy! Liam Neeson punches! Sea Demon backs up! Chuck Norris kicks! Sea Demon backs up! Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson both go in for a tackle! The Sea Demon, with the two badasses falls into the fire, evaporating immediately into steam! Chuck Norris quickly undrapes a cloak and he and Liam Neeson use the cloak to ride the steam and avoid being hurt! Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson have won this fight for their friends!

The fires die down as Satan grimaces. He murmurs to himself that even though the fires look badass, they need to go next fight. Chuck Norris asks for his friends, and Satan begrudgedly snaps his fingers. Cut to Sam, Jack, and Bruce walking through the Underworld when suddenly the ground gives out underneath them. Cut back to Satan who says they’re on the way. Liam Neeson shakes Satan’s hand, saying it’s good to be a man of his word. Satan asks which one of them is gonna kiss who. Liam Neeson frowns, but then Chuck Norris points out that if all three have to get kissed, then Satan will have to kiss one of them. Satan frowns at that as Sam, Jack, and Bruce land in Satan’s lair. Bruce asks why they’re here, and then Satan comments that Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson are no fun. Satan snaps his fingers and we see quickly the three badasses’ eyes fill with memories of their past quickly. Samuel L. Jackson meets Quentin Tarantino for the first time, setting his career into its best phase. Jackie Chan is cast in Rush Hour. Bruce Willis says “Yippe-kai-yay.” They open their eyes and smile. SAMUEL L. JACKSON, JACKIE CHAN, AND BRUCE WILLIS ARE BACK, BABIES! Chuck Norris smiles and brings all five of them for a manly group hug. Satan claps sarcastically at this display of affection. Samuel L. Jackson pauses, and says Satan looks familiar. Satan comments that this is the way “sort-of deities” work; they take on the guise of famous actors to appear to mortals. Satan picked Willem Defoe because of his favorite Super Bowl commercial and also for the irony sake of an actor who portrayed Jesus being Satan, and then Bruce Willis muses that that must explain why Santa Claus looks Billy Bob Thornton to him. Satan says it’s great they now know the rules to life, but then he reveals three elevators to them. One of them, he explains, takes them to the Lake of Fire. A different elevator takes them to the Gateway of the Dead, the usual entrance to the Underworld. The last one is simply an entry elevator AKA completely useless for the five badasses. Jackie Chan rolls his eyes and asks which elevator to take. Satan says he’s not gonna tell them, ha ha ha. Chuck Norris punches Satan, and Satan, realizing that since he’s outnumbered, tells them it’s the far right one. Samuel L. Jackson asks how they can trust Satan, and Satan says he can’t physically lie about life/death/worse-than-death situations. Liam Neeson shrugs saying it works for him as the five badasses enter the far right elevator. The elevator closes and Satan sighs, asking if the day could get any worse. The far left elevator opens and out exits Jamie Foxx, followed by Dwayne Johnson, Mel Gibson, Quentin Tarantino, Christopher Lloyd, Clark Gregg, and Salma Hayek. Jamie Foxx tells Satan he needs to go into the middle elevator with them. Satan asks why, and Jamie Foxx explains that he aims to destroy Satan once and for all. Satan just says “F*ck it” and goes with them. As the elevator doors close behind the eight of them, Satan tells them he looks forward to watching the seven others commit suicide. The seven others creepily laugh in unison, and Satan screams at the annoying laughs.

Back at Conan O’Brien’s studio, Mr. T slicks back his Mohawk in preparation. That’s right, it’s time for the fight four movies in the making: Mr. T vs. Conan O’Brien (and Steven Ho)! Mr. T charges towards Conan O’Brien, but Steven Ho blocks his path! Mr. T rolls his eyes but then punches Steven Ho! Steven Ho deflects the punch with ninja magic, and Mr. T is confused, because Steven Ho is not a ninja! Conan O’Brien laughs nervously, annoying Mr. T! Mr. T again tries to attack Steven Ho, but instead, Steven Ho pulls out a knife! Mr. T complains about that not being fair, but then Steven Ho attacks him with the knife, attempting to stab Mr. T! Mr. T avoids the knife by jumping onto Conan O’Brien’s desk! Mr. T declares to Steven Ho that it’s over; he has the high ground! Steven Ho rolls his eyes and jumps! Mr. T manages to sidekick him so hard, that Steven Ho flies out the window! Conan O’Brien screams girlishly, as it looks like Mr. T will win this fight, costing him his life! Suddenly, a feminine voice is heard: “STOP!” Mr. T swerves his head around. Jessie Neeson has arrived at the studio! Mr. T asks Jessie what she’s doing here, and she walks up to Mr. T and slaps him. Jessie explains she was watching a livestream of CONAN and saw the fight. She came over to stop it since she knew her father was a friend of Mr. T’s but she’s a fan of Conan O’Brien. Conan O’Brien promptly praises TBS for forcing the idea of a week of broadcasting live. Mr. T complains that this is proof of a god, a deus ex machine. Jessie rolls her eyes at Mr. T’s leaning on the fourth wall. Conan O’Brien tells Mr. T that he forgives him for the attack. Conan O’Brien never realized how much his memetic mutation caused Mr. T’s career to go badly. Mr. T sighs, and decides it’s best to forgive. He shakes Conan O’Brien’s hand, and explains that he’s here to save the lives of his friends, including Jessie’s dad. Jessie’s eyes widen; she asks if her dad is okay. Mr. T awkwardly explains that Liam Neeson, along with his four other friends are dead at the moment, but if Conan O’Brien lets them, all they need to do is stay here until they wake up from the Underworld. Conan O’Brien exclaims that if Mr. T had explained that in the first place, there wouldn’t have been any trouble at all! Mr. T facepalms but Jessie begins crying tears of joy. Mr. T says all they need to do is wait for the fools to return.

The elevator opens to the Lake of Fire. Satan is quickly escorted by Jamie Foxx outside the elevator. Jamie Foxx orders the other six celebs to stay back; he’s going to take care of Satan on his own. In the background, one could see Nicolas Cage sneaking onto the elevator to go up with the six celebs. The elevator closes and Jamie Foxx tells Satan it’s his last chance: either he reveals a righteous enough man that will allow Jamie Foxx to open the Rift Gate, or Satan will be plunged into the Lake of Fire. Satan attempts to teleport away, but before he does, Jamie Foxx manages to lightning-fast kick in the groin! Satan moans, asking why Jamie Foxx did that. Jamie Foxx explains that if there’s one place that he figured could stop Satan’s supernatural abilities, it’s his balls. Satan moans again at this logic. Jamie Foxx then grabs Satan by the neck and dangles him over the Lake of Fire. Satan quickly explains: Conan O’Brien is the righteous man. Jamie Foxx laughs at this, saying he knows Conan O’Brien sold his soul to the devil; how can he be the righteous man? Satan explains that when Conan O’Brien first went to Harvard, one day, Jeff Zucker, Conan O’Brien’s future boss at NBC and fellow student at Harvard at the time, was in a car accident. A flashback scene occurs. Jeff Zucker was on the verge of dying, and Conan O’Brien felt guilty. Why? Well, he was the one who invited Jeff Zucker to the frat party that he drove home drunk from, causing his accident. Satan was doing his reaping rounds at Harvard at the time, and he found Conan O’Brien crying in his room. Satan asked what was wrong, and Conan O’Brien said he didn’t feel helpful after accidentally hurting a close friend of his. Satan then revealed himself to Conan O’Brien, and offers him a deal. If he sells his soul to Satan, Satan will allow Jeff Zucker to live. Conan O’Brien complained, saying it wasn’t fair; Satan can’t ask him to weigh a life in his hands like that. Satan told Conan O’Brien life and death has never been fair. After a few seconds of deliberation, Conan O’Brien agreed to sell his soul to Satan. Conan O’Brien’s soul was pulled out of him, and Jeff Zucker woke up.

The flashback ends and Jamie Foxx rolls his eyes. He says that’s what he expected; a man with no soul can’t be righteous! Satan explains more, returning to the flashback. Satan disappeared immediately after Conan O’Brien’s soul was taken. Conan O’Brien immediately ran to the hospital where Jeff Zucker was staying, and started nursing him back to health. Conan O’Brien worked hard for Jeff Zucker, almost becoming his personal butler in a way. Jeff Zucker though was not grateful at all for Conan O’Brien’s hard work, and instead screamed at him incessantly. Satan watched it all from his lair in bizarre fascination. Why would a man condemned to the largest pain in the Underworld after life work so hard to serve another? This went on for quite a few years, until finally, twenty-five years after graduating college, Jeff Zucker fired Conan O’Brien from the Tonight Show just because Jeff Zucker hated Conan O’Brien for no actual reason except to be a douche. Satan had had enough. That night, Satan entered Conan O’Brien’s dreams, and asked him what he thought of being fired. Conan O’Brien stated that he’s obviously quite upset about it... however, ultimately, his life had gone surprisingly good since selling his soul to the devil, and this is just a setback. Satan asked if he blames Jeff Zucker at all, and Conan O’Brien answered that Jeff Zucker is just a good guy under bad circumstances. Satan couldn’t believe Conan O’Brien’s humility. He wiped Conan O’Brien’s memory of his dream visit, and quickly manifested himself in Conan O’Brien’s apartment. He returned Conan O’Brien’s soul to him while he was sleeping.

The second flashback ends, and Satan explains that later, he took Jeff Zucker’s soul and caused his downfall at NBC. Conan O’Brien is the most righteous man living in Hollywood right now. Jamie Foxx doesn’t believe Satan, and asks if Conan O’Brien has a soul, why is the gateway to the Underworld under his desk? Satan explains that Conan O’Brien himself doesn’t know his soul has returned, since Satan has a reputation to uphold. Thus, Satan put the gateway to the Underworld there as a fake reminder to Conan O’Brien of his ultimate destiny if he had no soul. Satan then begs Jamie Foxx for mercy. Jamie Foxx smiles, and tells Satan it’s his choice: either Satan himself can sacrifice himself for the Rift Gate to work, or Jamie Foxx will kill Conan O’Brien and use his body to open the Rift Gate. Satan is conflicted, but ultimately, being the slimy scum he is, tells Jamie Foxx to kill Conan O’Brien. Jamie Foxx rolls his eyes, and then asks Satan if he considers Jamie Foxx to be a righteous man. Satan spits in Jamie Foxx’s face, and Jamie Foxx wipes away the boiling saliva with the non-holding-Satan hand. Jamie Foxx then says “Ezekiel 25:17,” but then stops, and asks Satan if he’s ever seen Pulp Fiction. Satan states that yes, he has, and Jamie Foxx is no Samuel L. Jackson. Jamie Foxx grimaces, but then smiles and says that he’s no righteous man either, as he tosses Satan into the Lake of Fire! Jamie Foxx declares that Satan disgusts him, but as a dying request, he will gladly kill Conan O’Brien. Before succumbing to the pure terror of the Lake of Fire’s pain, Satan screams “NO! PLEASE DON’T!” Jamie Foxx just smiles and says that it was Satan’s choice. Jamie Foxx enters the elevator’s doors (just opened), as Satan begins his eternal burnation.

Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis are lost at the Gateway to the Underworld. Jackie Chan complains that Samuel L. Jackson has got them lost, and Bruce Willis tells them both to shut up. Chuck Norris narrows his eyes and stares off into the distance. There’s a figure in the distance. Liam Neeson asks who that is, and Chuck Norris smiles. Nicolas Cage has come to help! Samuel L. Jackson groans loudly, and Liam Neeson asks who it is. Samuel L. Jackson states he’s worked with Nicolas Cage before... and saying he’s a weirdass motherf*cker is a massive understatement. Bruce Willis laughs, saying he likes National Treasure. Nicolas Cage has arrived, and Chuck Norris asks how it’s going. Inexplicably speaking in a Jamaican accent (one he will keep for the rest of this film series by the way), Nicolas Cage explains that Hell is going to hell! He then inexplicably stares at the camera, and deadpanly states, slowly and overacting the accent, that if this was a movie, that would’ve been a perfect line for the trailers. Everyone is awkwardly silent until Jackie Chan starts laughing, saying that Samuel L. Jackson was right; Nicolas Cage is a weirdass motherf*cker. Nicolas Cage screams that he broke into the Underworld for a reason besides method-acting, and Liam Neeson asks what that is. Gilligan cut to Nicolas Cage screaming and throwing a man with a powdered wig on (Clark Gregg in a purposely bad makeup job) into the Lake of Fire, and then jumping on his head repeatedly until, right before completely submerged in the Lake, Nicolas Cage jumps up and out of the Lake and near the elevator, which suddenly opens, with Jamie Foxx and Satan exiting. Back to the five badasses, Nicolas Cage explains that he finally destroyed the last hiding-out-from-Satan Founding Father; the Declaration of Independence should now legally be his! Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis, and Liam Neeson’s jaws all collectively drop in unison. Nicolas Cage is ca-razy! Chuck Norris ignores the insanity and asks Nicolas Cage what he meant by “Hell is going to hell,” and Nicolas Cage explains in a bizarre monologue about how Satan has been overthrown like cheese and crackers and Jamie Foxx is the greatest thing since Jesus bread. Samuel L. Jackson’s eyes narrow at the Jamie Foxx mention, remembering his lost bet with him. Liam Neeson just asks Nicolas Cage if he knows the way to Conan O’Brien’s studio, and Nicolas Cage asks why they didn’t just ask, and screams to follow him.

A quick montage occurs, showing Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis all following Nicolas Cage in a bizarre path through the Underworld. Meanwhile, the montage intercuts with scenes of Jamie Foxx, Dwayne Johnson, Mel Gibson, Quentin Tarantino, Christopher Lloyd, Clark Gregg, and Salma Hayek following their scent, as Jamie Foxx proclaims he believes this is the way to Conan O’Brien’s place for his master plan of opening the Rift Gate and flooding the world with characters Jamie Foxx has portrayed, allowing him to take over the world! His minions agree with him in a hypnotic fashion. Jamie Foxx has truly become their Hey Zeus!. The montage ends when the five badasses and Nicolas Cage arrive at the elevator first. Unfortunately, the elevator up into Conan O’Brien’s desk is out of order, probably thanks to Jamie Foxx destroying it earlier in the movie. No matter, because Nicolas Cage pulls out a bazooka. Liam Neeson asks what Nicolas Cage plans on doing with the bazooka, and Nicolas Cage explains that since Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis are all technically still dead, he needs to kill them once against so they wake up in their mortal bodies. Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis look at Nicolas Cage like he’s crazy, but Samuel L. Jackson remains thoughtful. He says that actually makes sense, and Nicolas Cage smiles at them bug-eyed. One by one, the four other badasses give Nicolas Cage their approval, and Nicolas Cage jumps up and shoots the bazooka at the five.

In Conan O’Brien’s studio, all five badasses wake up back in their body, alive! Mr. T smiles the biggest damn smile in the history of big damn smiles. For the first time in his life, he didn’t let someone down! Conan O’Brien smiles too; five celebrity guests, miraculously returning to life on live television! Jessie Neeson points out that the cameras stopped rolling once she showed up and Conan O’Brien frowns for a second, but then smiles again, saying he’s just happy everyone’s alive again and it’s a happy ending! Jessie looks at her dad, and Liam Neeson looks back at his daughter. They run towards each other to hug... but before they can, Conan O’Brien’s desk blows up! Nicolas Cage bursts through the wreckage, exclaiming that that was fun, using the bazooka’s rocket power to make his way out of the Underworld! Chuck Norris breaks out laughing, and soon everyone is laughing. This is f*cking great. Everyone is too busy laughing though, to notice the grapple suddenly appearing near the now easily visible entrance to the Underworld.

Jamie Foxx rappels upward at great force to arrive in Conan O’Brien’s studio. On his back are his six celebrity minions, piggyback styling. Jamie Foxx pulls out a pistol and aims it at Conan O’Brien. Nicolas Cage runs up and tackles Jamie Foxx! Nicolas Cage begins licking him all over, but Jamie Foxx just slaps him, telling him to stop; that’s not nice. Nicolas Cage whimpers and walks away. Chuck Norris screams out a question, asking how is it that the other dead people (referring to Dwayne Johnson, Mel Gibson, Christopher Lloyd, Clark Gregg, Quentin Tarantino, and Salma Hayek) are here on Earth, despite not having their bodies repaired. Jamie Foxx says that the rules of the Underworld are all dead now with their leader. Liam Neeson asks what he means, and Jamie Foxx states that Satan is gone forever. Everyone gasps, and Mr. T frowns, saying he wishes he could’ve met Satan. Bruce Willis states that Satan was actually a pretty nice guy despite his Satanness. Jamie Foxx, seeing everyone distracted by Mr. T and Bruce Willis’s back-and-forth takes the opportunity to shoot Conan O’Brien in the head! Conan O’Brien falls to the floor, gasping. Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis, Mr. T, Nicolas Cage, and Jessie Neeson all simultaneously gasp. Conan O’Brien tries to repent, but then remarks that he sees a bright light... and it is nice… We see someone else exit the Underworld; Steven Ho. Mr. T asks where he came from, but Steven Ho explains he knows his way out of the Underworld from his past; he was just lucky that apparently dead people can escape the Underworld alone. He runs to Conan O’Brien, who is seeing the Overworld. Conan O’Brien begs Steven Ho to acknowledge the existence of an upper being as he dies in his arms. Steven Ho screams “NOOOOO-“ but then is cut off by being shot in the head by Jamie Foxx. He falls to the ground, dying, but, having acknowledged an upper being within his brain, retires to the Overworld in his death. Jamie Foxx then grabs Jessie Neeson, and puts a gun to her head. He explains that no one here is going to ruin his plan to open the Rift Gate. Everyone looks at him confused. No one knows what the Rift Gate is. Jamie Foxx rolls his eyes, and says he’s explained it enough; they’ll find out in a few minutes anyway. Christopher Lloyd takes Steven Ho’s body to the entrance of the Underworld and speaks Latin to it. Mr. T, nervous, asks what’s going on, and Jamie Foxx explains that Christopher Lloyd is using an ancient technique he learned to seal up all entrances to the Underworld; they can’t afford any more dead people or demons escaping. He then orders his minions to attack the people there, and promptly grabs Conan O’Brien’s body and runs, leaving Jessie Neeson behind to face the minions. Chuck Norris manages to jump over Dwayne Johnson who runs to attack him, and Mr. T dives in between Christopher Lloyd’s legs to follow Chuck Norris.

It’s time for a battle royale! Nicolas Cage vs. Christopher Lloyd! Jackie Chan vs. Dwayne Johnson! Liam Neeson vs. Mel Gibson rematch! Bruce Willis vs. Clark Gregg! Samuel L. Jackson vs. Quentin Tarantino! Jessie Neeson vs. Salma Hayek! And finally, Chuck Norris and Mr. T in an epic chase to get to Jamie Foxx! Instead the typical way I write these, we’re gonna presume it has some swell editing, and each fight will get a paragraph. Y’all can presume it’s intercut chronologically and well! #TotallyCheatingInAWay

Nicolas Cage vs. Christopher Lloyd: Nicolas Cage screams in Christopher Lloyd’s face! Christopher Lloyd screams back! Nicolas Cage challenges him to a rap battle! Christopher Lloyd says why not! They scream into each other’s face, rapping asinine lyrics back-and-forth! However, what Christopher Lloyd doesn’t count on is how Nicolas Cage is a badass at screaming! After the third verse, Christopher Lloyd faints from exhaustion!

Jackie Chan vs. Dwayne Johnson: Jackie Chan lays on the ground, to collect his bearings before the fight! Dwayne Johnson screams, saying he knows what the Rock is cooking, and it’s Jackie Chan’s corpse! Jackie Chan’s eyes open, and as soon Dwayne Johnson goes for a kick, he neutralizes it! Jackie Chan then flips Dwayne Johnson on the ground! Dwayne Johnson growls, and then rolls under Jackie Chan! Jackie Chan don’t care, because he jumps up and lands on Dwayne Johnson’s face! Seeing his advantage, Jackie Chan stabs Dwayne Johnson in the eyes with his untrimmed toenails! Dwayne Johnson screams in agony, but then faints from the pain!

Liam Neeson vs. Mel Gibson: Liam Neeson is ready for a rematch! Mel Gibson goes in for a punch; Liam Neeson dodges it! Liam Neeson uppercuts, but Mel Gibson is prepared with an open mouth! By biting down on Liam Neeson’s knuckles before the punch makes full contact, Mel Gibson causes great pain on Liam Neeson! Liam Neeson screams in agony! Mel Gibson maintains his oral grip on Liam Neeson and begins spinning around Liam Neeson with his mouth! Liam Neeson sees only one answer to the fight! Liam Neeson manipulates his body so that he can kick Mel Gibson in the groin! Mel Gibson recoils from the kick, allowing Liam Neeson to be free! However, Mel Gibson smiles, not feeling pain! Liam Neeson’s eyes widen as he remembers a factoid he read in TIME Magazine a few months ago; Mel Gibson self-castrated himself during his depression days! How can Liam Neeson win?

Bruce Willis vs. Clark Gregg: Jeez, what a one-sided fight! I honestly don’t even want to write it out! But whatever, it’s my job! Bruce Willis grabs Clark Gregg and puts in a headlock! Throughout the other fights, the movie continues to cut back to Bruce Willis just punching Clark Gregg repeatedly in the stomach with one arm, while the other arm keeps him in a headlock! Bruce Willis is a modern day Hugo Stiglitz! Speaking of which...

Samuel L. Jackson vs. Quentin Tarantino: Samuel L. Jackson states he’s gonna try to take it easy on Quentin Tarantino! Quentin Tarantino rolls his eyes, and lunges for Samuel L. Jackson’s toes! Samuel L. Jackson, taken by surprise with the attack, tries to get Quentin Tarantino off his feet! Too bad Quentin Tarantino has a tight jaw grip! Samuel L. Jackson tries to figure out a way to get rid of him, but then gets an idea by looking at the broken window! He drags Quentin Tarantino over to the window, but then dangles him over the edge! Quentin Tarantino still won’t let go! Samuel L. Jackson is getting annoyed, but he sees some dangling wires! He promptly grabs some, and electrocutes Quentin Tarantino! Quentin Tarantino lets go of the toes, but before he can die, Samuel L. Jackson grabs his unconscious body, and saves Quentin Tarantino from certain death! Samuel L. Jackson then throws him on the floor, done with the fight!

Jessie Neeson vs. Salma Hayek: Cat fight! Jessie Neeson slaps! Salma Hayek slaps! Jessie Neeson kicks! So does Salma Hayek! Jessie Neeson flips over Salma Hayek and then pulls her hair! Salma Hayek screams in agony! Jessie Neeson mounts Salma Hayek, wrapping her legs around her neck! Salma Hayek chokes but then goes unconscious by the lack of consciousness! Jessie Neeson then looks around and sees her father struggling with fighting Mel Gibson! She runs up to them with Salma Hayek’s body in her arms! As Liam Neeson’s eyes widen at Mel Gibson’s self-castration, Jessie Neeson knocks over Mel Gibson with Salma Hayek! She then whips him with the unconscious body, causing Mel Gibson himself to go unconscious! Jessie then looks to her father who smiles, stating that’s his girl! They go in for an epically adorable hug!

Chuck Norris and Mr. T vs. Jamie Foxx: Mr. T quickly catches up with Chuck Norris! Chuck Norris thanks Mr. T for saving their lives! Mr. T states not to thank him; he’s coming for revenge for Conan O’Brien, the true savior of their lives! Meanwhile, Jamie Foxx has arrived at the Rift Gate prototype! He lays down Conan O’Brien’s body at the base of the triangle-shaped structure (it actually kinda looks like the portal from Treasure Planet)! The machine turns on, and up opens a directory! Jamie Foxx has succeeded! However, he goes through his catalog of options to insert into their world, and realizes... he hasn’t been in any major movies in the past nine years, and that’s all the Rift Gate will allow him to teleport from! He screams in anger, but then he notices a button labeled “Best of Blankments Productions.” He smiles at this and goes into press the button when suddenly, his arm is hit by a shuriken! Mr. T smiles, as Chuck Norris asks where he got that! Mr. T states he’s had since he and Jackie Chan went bowling a few months ago! Chuck Norris points out that’s kinda like a god, a deus ex machine! Mr. T winks at the obvious callback! Chuck Norris says Jamie Foxx will never get away with ruining his mansion again, and Mr. T says he’ll regret killing Conan O’Brien! Jamie Foxx growls but then smiles, laughing hysterically as he presses the button anyway! A huge wave of energy is released as Chuck Norris and Mr. T are sent flying back to Conan O’Brien’s studio!

It is now the final scene of the movie. The six badasses back at the studio suddenly look out to a beam of green light coming from the Rift Gate. Chuck Norris and Mr. T fly through the window, but Nicolas Cage inexplicably is able to grab them both, saving them from certain death. Liam Neeson asks what is happening. We cut back to Jamie Foxx, laughing maniacally. The Last Six (Dionysius, Ares, Freyja, Loki, Osiris, and Isis) fly out and hypnotically swear allegiance to Jamie Foxx. This is soon followed up by the Justice League (Flash, Booster Gold, Martian Manhunter, Blue Beetle, Plastic-Man, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman) doing the same. Jamie Foxx says one more is going through the studio. Back at the studio, Christopher Lloyd, Dwayne Johnson, Mel Gibson, Clark Gregg, Salma Hayek, and Quentin Tarantino all wake up. Nicolas Cage goes around kissing them all on the lips, returning them their memories. Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, and the other badasses are too distracted to fight them, but none of the revived minions want to fight anymore anyway. They all stare off into the distance and see the movie characters arrive. Suddenly, a flame of fire is seen, and Jamie Foxx arrives in front of them on top of Thomas the Tank Engine! Jamie Foxx declares himself lord of all movies and ruler of the free world! He then sics the Last Six and the Justice League on Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis, Mr. T, Nicolas Cage, Christopher Lloyd, Dwayne Johnson, Mel Gibson, Clark Gregg, Salma Hayek, and Quentin Tarantino! Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson declare in perfect unison that shit just got real.

NEXT YEAR

CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. EVERYTHING IN THE DAMN MOVIE INDUSTRY SIX-PART FILM SAGA

A YEAR LONG FRANCHISE FINALE EVENT

THE YEAR OF CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON, PART 1: BATTLE OF THE DECADE – APRIL 3

FEATURING

CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. BLANKMENTS PRODUCTIONS AND HOURGLASS PICTURES
CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. NUMERATOR PICTURES AND GOLDEN FILMS
CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. TWENTY THREE PICTURES, ALPHA FILMS AND GOLDEN AGE FILMS

THE YEAR OF CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON, PART 2: CHUCK AND LIAM’S FINEST HOURS – NOVEMBER 7

FEATURING

CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. COOK13 PICTURES, GUERNICA FILMS AND ARCTURUS ENTERTAINMENT
CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. STAR PLATINUM STUDIOS, EMPIRE PICTURES AND O$CORP PICTURES
CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS.

YEAR 10

Theaters: 3,829
Rating: R for intense sequences of action and violence, drug use, strong language, nudity, sexuality, a rape scene, and disturbing images.
Budget: $50 million

Previous Films Gross: OW/DOM/WW
Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Loch Ness Monster: 29.0/77.4/127.4
Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Abominable Snowman: 41.3/96.6/174.6
Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. Bigfoot: 57.0/138.6/256.2
Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. Giant Spiders: 61.4/131.9/246.7
Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. Santa Claus, Ultimate Badass: 55.0/160.2/331.8