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    Subway Surfers

    Date: 21 June

    Genre: Adventure

    Theatres : 3,930

    Rating : PG-13

    Budget : 105M

    Studio: Millennium Films

    Director: Louis Leterier


    Jake- Jay Baruchel

    Tricky- Emma Stone

    Fresh- Anthony Mackie

    Unknown- Yutani

    Frizzy- Lupita N’Yongo

    Lucy- Anna Kendrick

    Tasha- Kate Upton

    Prince K- Riz Ahmed

    Main Police Officer- Nick Frost

    The Dog- Simon Pegg [Voice]

    Edited by Films
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    Portentous Dealings


    Director: Steven Soderbergh

    Cast: Jason Clarke (John), Tom Hardy (Jim), Javier Bardem (Valentin), and Penelope Cruz (Irma)

    Release Date: April 19th 

    Theater Count: 2,861

    Budget: $40 Million 


    The film begins in the Westside neighborhood of El Paso, the infamous side of town where all the rich doctors, lawyers and politicians live. It is 7am in the morning and John wakes up to the sound of his alarm clock. Unlike most people, John loves waking up in the mornings to go do a job that no one else does best. He gets up and kisses Irma, his wife, before he goes and takes a shower. When he finishes taking a shower he makes coffee for the road and is ready to go to work. John arrives in downtown EP and enters the Department of Justice center where he is greeted by coworkers with joy. He arrives at his office and sits down. John is in charge of the El Paso Division of the Drug Enforcement Agency. He works with both US cases and collaborates with Mexican forces to stop drug trafficking from being smuggled across the border. As John reads throughout a case that has recently been assigned to him by the San Diego DEA division, Jim, John’s best friend and partner in all his cases walks in the office. Jim and John go all the way back to high school and have been partners in crime ever since. “So, did you read the case that’s been assigned to our division?” says Jim. John says he hasn’t saying that he’s been thinking about what he’s going to get Irma for his one year anniversary of being together. Jim jokes around and reminds John that he’s missing out on the single life. John laughs and says that Jim should really consider settling down once and for all. “Hard pass” says Jim as he exits the office, “I’ll give you a few minutes while you look over that case.”


    Throughout the day John goes over the case. San Diego DEA has stopped three members of a drug cartel at the border and that there is talk that the head of the cartel is moving out of Tijuana as a different cartel is now running the town and is moving into Juarez. Jim comes back and they discuss enforcing stricter rules at borders and to be on the lookout for any suspicious activity. “I’ll contact Mexican authorities tomorrow to let them know” says John as he wraps up his work day and is ready to go back home with his wife and take her out to eat for their anniversary. Jim tells John that the sex better be worth it and John gives him a wink as they both enter their cars and leave the parking lot. As John arrives home he calls out for Irma and she doesn’t respond. She goes upstairs and finds her talking on the phone in Spanish in their bedroom. Irma hangs up as soon as John enters the room and tells John that it was his grandma and that she’s really ill and she has to visit her in Juarez. “I’ll wait till tomorrow though” says Irma, implying that she’s just as excited as John about their plans for that night.


    The evening goes as follows. John takes Irma to a very nice restaurant and he even has mariachis sing for her and orders the best wine. Irma asks John about their day and John gives Irma all the details, including what he found about the cartel. “I’m sure you’ll catch him” says Irma in Spanish. After that they go to scenic drive and look at the city from above. After, they arrive back home and they proceed to the bedroom where John put rose petals all over the floor and a gift in their bed. Irma is an awe and she opens the gift only to find a diamond necklace. She starts to cry and admits to John that coming from Mexico she couldn’t afford cheap jewelry, much less a diamond necklace. She kisses John and they proceed and have sex.  During the middle of the night Irma gets a phone call and she starts speaking in Spanish. John sleeps through it, but Irma seems really concerned and grabs her purse and leaves.


    The next morning John wakes up and calls for Irma and looks for her but she is nowhere to be found. He is about to call her when he sees a voicemail from her saying that her grandma is in the hospital in Juarez and last night she almost died. John sends Irma a text saying, “I hope everything is alright, baby” and continues through is daily routine. He gets a call from Jim telling him if he can have a ride since his car is in the shop and John goes to Jim’s house and picks him up. Jim asks about last night and John tells him he had a lovely evening. “Dude how was the sex?” says Jim. John laughs and tells him he doesn’t kiss and tell and Jim reminds John that he never has, not even when they were roommates in college. “I’m glad you’re happy man” says Jim and John tells him that he is gonna propose soon. Jim lowers the volume of the radio and tells John that he is moving too fast claiming that he has only known Irma for a year. John gets frustrated and tells Jim that they are both in love. “If you say so” says Jim.


    They both arrive to Department of Justice building and proceed into their offices. As the day passes Jim enters and tells John to turn on his television. The TV reports breaking news about a recent happening at the Zaragoza international border crossing. The news report shows images of three vehicles that were initially searched by border patrol only to find drugs. Upon inspection one of the vehicles pulled out a gun and shot one of the border patrol officers. Luckily, there was enough back up to kill the man that fired first as well as catch the two other men before a full on gun fight occurred at the border.


    Jim and John both arrive at the scene of the crime and see the amount of drugs that were passed at the border. The drugs included marijuana, meth, and a new type of drug that was made in Mexico and was a hit among the teen crowds, especially at raves. Both of them go into the interrogation room and question the two men, one by one. The first man refuses to say anything and in frustration John yells at him and cusses at him in broken Spanish. He just smiles and is escorted out. “I hope he knows he’s gonna rot in jail” says John in frustration. Jim laughs. The second man is brought in. He is a lot bigger and muscular and he is covered in tattoos. The man only talks in Spanish. John asks who is behind this drug trade and the man refuses to answer. He then notices a tattoo on his arm with the letter Z. The man is part of the Zetas cartel from Tijuana and the leader is named Valentin. Making this conclusion Jim tells him that they’ll catch Valentin before you know it with the man’s help or without it. John then adds that Jim is the best man for this job and he will not stop until they find him. The man then laughs uncontrollably until the verge of tears. Jim and John leave as they feel they won’t get any help from the men. As they are about to leave the man stops laughing and says “Placer conocerte John.” John looks at the man with disgust and with concern. “I didn’t tell him my name” says John to Jim as they get into the car and drive downtown. “Him knowing my name means that Valentin knows who I am” says John. Jim laughs and tries to calm him down. “Of course he knows who you are, you’re a badass” says Jim


    The next couple of days consist of Jim and John trying to locate el Lobo’s location. They trace all the activity and information with collaboration from the Juarez police. They come up with a plan to take down el Lobo once and for all. Jason is a man in Juarez who knows people that are part of the Zetas and he is the way in. “Catching him can make national news” says John. Jim tells him that it’s not important and tells him that he’s killed so many people, some of whom were his friends. “I just want that motherfucker to be at a jail where he won’t be treated like a king” says John as they wrap up their work.


    John arrives home and tells Irma his latest plan and tells her that if they catch Valentin they will finally get to go to Europe and all the places they have wanted to go to. Jim believes there will be a HUGE promotion if he does catch him. Irma is excited and she really wants Jim to catch Valentin. John decides that there is no better time for him to propose to Irma. He gets down in one knee and proposes. Irma starts to cry and says yes. They kiss romantically and Jim says that he’s sorry that he couldn’t make it as romantic as the movies. Irma laughs and says that she wasn’t a fan of exaggeration. She grew up in a poor colony in Juarez where simple was always better and having too much could get you killed. “I have to call Jim” says John to Irma with excitement and Irma smirks and says okay. John tells Jim and he yells with excitement and tells him that he is so happy for him. “I’m going to throw the best bachelors party for you bro” says Jim.  John laughs and hangs up after telling him that he’s going to be the best man. Moments after, the celebration is put to a halt with the news that Irma receives from a family member via phone call that her grandma just passed away. Happy tears soon turn into tears of sadness and Irma tells Jim that she has to be with her family. John agrees and tells her that he will go to the funeral, paranoid that something can happen to him and his fiancé. Irma grabs a few things and puts them in a luggage and leaves to Juarez. “See you in few days” says John. They kiss.


    The next day they meet with Jason, the man that is part of the Zetas. He gives John the exact location of Valentin and tells him that the Mexican authorities will be there waiting to arrest him. Once the Mexican authorities catch him they’ll give him to American authorities. John shakes his hand and heads home and finds a voicemail left by Irma giving him the location of her grandmother’s funeral.


    Jim and John both attend the funeral of Irma’s grandmother. Once it’s over, Irma says goodbye to family members and tells them goodbye. The family members look at John with disgust and they think marrying a gringo and moving to the United States is a sign of being a traitor in their family. They never really liked him. As they are heading home a crowd is blocking one of the streets. People are screaming and soon police men and news reports arrive at scene. John decides to get down and see what all the fuss is about. He instructs Irma to stay and tells Jim to keep an eye on her. He approaches the crowd and finds a beheaded man hanging from a post with a message on a white wall saying “ERES UN IDIOTA, A MI NADIE ME ENGANA (You’re an idiot, no one fools me).” He takes a closer look at the decapitated head and sees that it is Sergio. Suddenly, Valentin approaches John and whispers in his ear telling him that he should stop trying to catch him and just let him do his job. Before he can turn around and do anything Valentin disappears through the crowd of people. John goes back into his vehicle and doesn’t say a word of what he saw. Both Irma and John are concerned and during the line to get back into the US he tells them what happened. Irma is speechless and John tells Jim that maybe they shouldn’t continue any further. “If he wanted me dead, he would have killed me right there” says John. “Maybe he’s just waiting for the right moment” says Jim. Irma begs John to stop the investigation. John says he can’t, which leaves Irma talk less the whole ride back to the Westside.


    The next couple of weeks consist of failed attempts of plans set up by Jim and John through the Mexican authorities. Several people have died in trying to capture Valentin including civilians that are at the wrong place at that specific time. Jim tries to convince John that all the lives lost aren’t worth catching that man. John then shows Jim an old newspaper from six years ago and that shuts Jim up. The old newspaper has the headline that a local girl was found dead after taking drugs while on a trip to Cancun. “I don’t want what happened to my sister to happen to anyone else” says John. Jim then agrees to help his best friend out. They discuss a plan after they realize that Mexican police men are very corrupt and since American forces can’t cross the border, they will assemble a few men of their own and find Valentin and take him down. Fortunately, there is a man they trust that works in the Mexican authority and that is where they get the information on Valentin’s whereabouts. Jim asks John how’s Irma holding up and tells him that she hasn’t talked to him as much, especially since he doesn’t let her go to Juarez.


    They meet with the men and discuss the plan on taking down Valentin. The place where he is located is surrounded by men with guns at every corner. Before entering the street there is people on guard and they tell the security men of any intruders or any suspicious activity. The key is taking them down first so they can make a sneaky entrance. They agree for the plan to go into action a week from that date.

    John arrives home and notices that Irma’s car is not in the garage and notices a voicemail. Irma tells him that he can’t deny her not seeing her family and says that she’ll be back by 5pm. John freaks out but remains calm as he has no reason to worry, after all they want him not her. Hours go by and still no sign of Irma when suddenly he receives a phone call from her. John answers, Valentin tells him that he told him to stop investigating and trying to catch him. If he doesn’t stop he’s going to kill Irma. John yells at him, “Listen here you son of a bitch, leave my fiancé alone!” But it’s too late. He hangs up on him. Devastated he calls Jim in tears and tells him that it’s his entire fault and that they have to strike now while they can. Jim agrees and they gather up the guys, cross the border and approach the location.


    They reach the beginning of the street and manage to kill three men silently and proceed towards Valentin’s hideout. Unfortunately, once they reach the house, the Zetas start firing at Jim and his men, injuring some and even killing one of the men. There are casualties on both sides and Jim says “fuck it” and throws a grenade at the gate. They duck and the gate explodes, along with it the Zetas who are guarding it. They go inside into the patio area and see more Zetas coming towards them. A shootout occurs once again killing more of John’s men and they give signs to John and Jim to proceed inside. They do so and manage to kill the two men guarding Valentin’s room from the outside.


     They go inside and they see Irma with her hands behind her back and tape around her mouth. “One move and I’ll shoot her” says Valentin. “You’re forgetting there’s two of us and one of you Valentin, or do they not teach math here in Mexico” says Jim. Valentin laughs and suddenly Irma unties herself and has a handgun with her and is pointing it at Jim. John is confused and disappointed. Valentin and Irma kiss still while pointing their guns at them. John’s heart breaks and Valentin explains everything to him. Irma was never in love with John. In fact, the only reason they met was because Valentin knew that John would want to stop his operation and he needed to get rid of him. Irma laughs at John and throws his engagement ring at the floor. “Why didn’t you just kill me? Instead of faking you loved me” asks John and Irma tells him “I love to put on a good show. I should be in a novella” and laughs. “You crazy bitch” says Jim as he fires at Irma. The bullet misses Irma and a gun fight takes place between the four of them. Jim runs out of ammo and is shot by Valentin. John tries to take Jim out of the line of fire and in doing so he gets shot multiple times in the back by Irma. John falls on Jim, who can’t get up due to the bullet in his abdomen. Irma and Valentin laugh and tell Jim that his best friend was too stubborn and stupid. He also tells him that he runs the police here in Mexico. A few moments after he says that, sirens are heard and Irma is told to go look at what’s going on and says that the “good cops” were here. Irma doesn’t stop and think for one second and makes a run for it without Valentin. “My brother may be dead but there’s no way in hell you’re getting away” says Jim reaching for John’s gun with all the force he has left and shoots Valentin, not in the heart because he wants him to rot in American prison. The Mexican authorities come and arrest Valentin and tell him that they will hold him for a day and then hand him over to the US. Jim passes out.


    While in the hospital, Jim wakes up to the sound of John laughing at Jim saying, “You’re such a pussy. You can’t even take a bullet.” Jim smiles and tells him that he always had a bad feeling about Irma. “Yup, that bitch was loco!” says John. John thanks Jim and apologizes for all the trouble he caused and Jim tells him that he’s just good at the job and tells Jim that Valentin is in prison now and he will rot there. “Mary would be proud brother” says Jim as he is getting tired once again. “I’ll tell her you said hello” says John as Jim falls asleep.


    When he wakes up there are masses of news reporters outside the hospital. Jim turns on the television and sees his face on CNN with headlines stating the deaths of the men who captured Valentin along with his name, meaning he was the only survivor. Jim cries at the thought of really losing his best friend. He is interviewed as he finally gets to leaves the hospital. Jim speaks during John’s funeral where plenty of people go to and during his eulogy says that John would want him to continue working with the DEA and stop drug trafficking no matter what it takes and adds that more support would be helpful. “John was a badass” says Jim with a smirk on his face.

    Edited by Dr Awesome
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    Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Underworld

    Writer-Director: Clark Gregg
    Producers: Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez
    Genre: Action/Satire
    Date: April 5
    Studio: Blankments Productions and Badass Films
    Format: Filmed in 3D; IMAX 3D
    Cast: Chuck Norris as Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson as Liam Neeson, Mr. T as Mr. T, Clark Gregg as Clark Gregg, Salma Hayek as Salma Hayek, Dwayne Johnson as Dwayne Johnson, Mel Gibson as Mel Gibson, Quentin Tarantino as Quentin Tarantino, Samuel L. Jackson as Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan as Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis as Bruce Willis, Christopher Lloyd as Christopher Lloyd, Willem DeFoe as Satan, Jamie Foxx as Jamie Foxx, Conan O’Brien as Conan O’Brien, Steven Ho as Steven Ho, Jeffrey Tambor as Jeff Zucker, Nicolas Cage as Nicolas Cage, AnnaSophia Robb as Jessie Neeson, Billy Bob Thornton as Santa Claus, Mila Kunis as Mrs. Claus, Morgan Freeman as the Sea Demon, Christopher Lee as the Snow Demon, and James Earl Jones as the Land Demon. (the last five are not in any marketing).

    Cameos at the very end include Joseph Gordon-Levitt as Dionysus, Armie Hammer as Ares/Blue Beetle, Andrew Garfield as Loki, AnnaSophia Robb as Freyja, Olivia Wilde as Isis, Chris Pine as Osiris, Bradley Cooper as The Flash, Zachary Levi as Booster Gold, Channing Tatum as Martian Manhunter, David Tennant as Plastic-Man, Rachel Nichols as Wonder Woman, Garrett Hedlund as Aquaman

    Music by: Rush
    Runtime: 141 min
    Tagline: The Badasses Are Bad-back!

    Plot Summary: Really, you need a summary? Look at the title.


    Mel Gibson holds the gun against Mrs. Claus’s head, threatening to shoot her if Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, and Santa Claus do not give up the North Pole. Liam Neeson tackles Mel Gibson, and the two roll on top of each other. Mel Gibson pulls out his pistol, but Liam Neeson knocks it out of his hand. However, Liam Neeson’s backhand accidentally triggers the gun, shooting and killing both Liam Neeson and Mel Gibson.


    Chuck Norris runs to Liam Neeson’s body, hoping to hear a few last words, but Liam Neeson is already dead.


    Santa Claus goes to comfort Chuck Norris, who tells the jolly man that Liam Neeson only came to help him get his mansion back. Santa Claus snaps his fingers, and says Chuck Norris’s mansion is back. More importantly though, Santa Claus tells Chuck Norris of an epic journey he can take to save the lives of all who have died in his life. However, their mangled bodies must be sewed back together, which Mrs. Claus volunteers for.


    Chuck Norris asks what he must do, and Santa Claus tells him that the gateway out of the Underworld rests in Conan O’Brien’s studio thanks to the deal he made with the devil. Mr. T’s eyes widen; he’s finally going to take on Conan O’Brien.


    Santa Claus tells Chuck Norris he can save the souls of Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis, and most importantly, Liam Neeson.


    Santa Claus then asks Mr. T of waiting around for a bit to take the bodies of Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis, Liam Neeson, and Chuck Norris to Conan O’Brien’s studio for revival. Mr. T smiles, saying it’ll be his pleasure.


    Chuck Norris asks why he mentioned his body, and Santa Claus hands Chuck Norris a pistol, saying the only way into the Underworld without losing all your memories is to shoot yourself with Santa Claus’s magic pistol. Santa Claus asks Chuck Norris if he’s ready to do anything to save Liam Neeson and his friends.


    Chuck Norris says he made a promise; not only to himself, but to Liam Neeson’s daughter. He will do anything to save his friends. Santa Claus grimaces and hands Chuck Norris the gun.


    Chuck Norris puts the pistol against his head and shoots himself.


    We see Satan in his lair. He asks his visitor what he wants. His visitor, shrouded in shadows, says he has an offer he can’t refuse. Satan turns to him, and asks him what he’s talking about. The visitor explains that he has in his hands the blueprints for what he’s calling a “rift gate,” of which he already has a fully functioning prototype, built where Chuck Norris’s mansion used to be. Satan asks the visitor if the Giant Spider attack was planned by the visitor, and the visitor says that was partially an experiment using the Rift Gate, but he didn’t understand why giant spiders came out with the phenomena already existing in other parts of the world. Shrugging it off, the visitor continues explaining. This rift gate, if placed near Conan O’Brien’s studio, would allow creatures from multiple realities, be it movies, books, television shows, or even the Underworld, to walk the Earth. Satan is interested, saying that if this gate was used, he could use it to start a full scale invasion of earth. Satan asks how it could be started immediately, and the visitor states that if he could have the blood of a man worth more than his soul’s value, then the Rift Gate would work immediately. Satan says it’s impossible to find a man like that nowadays, and the visitor shrugs, and starts to disappear, revealing himself to be a hologram. The visitor tells Satan that if he finds the righteous man, he will kill him and start the gate for himself, and Satan better watch himself. Satan tells the visitor to f*ck off, but the visitor smiles, revealing himself as Jamie Foxx. Jamie Foxx states that Satan is the one who will be f*cking off soon enough, and then disappears. Satan, confuddled, declares that that makes no sense!

    Meanwhile, at the North Pole, Chuck Norris’s body hits the floor. Santa Claus declares that Mr. T must act quickly, for it’s a long, long walk from the North Pole to Conan O’Brien’s studio. Mr. T frowns, saying that he didn’t know he had to take such a foolishly long way of getting there. Mrs. Claus graciously offers the use of the sleigh to Mr. T, and Mr. T thanks her for it, saying he’s glad he won’t look like a fool. Santa Claus rolls his eyes at this, but orders elves to load the sleigh with the dead badasses’ bodies. Mr. T takes off soon after, and Santa Claus says he’s really annoyed about not having the sleigh. Mrs. Claus asks if sex will make him feel better, and Santa Claus quickly says YES.

    Chuck Norris’s eyes open. He’s in an elevator with another person. That other person screams in terror for a solid ten seconds until Chuck Norris roundhouse slaps him. The other person apologizes; he just didn’t imagine Chuck Norris would appear out of nowhere in the backdoor elevator to the Underworld. The man introduces himself to Chuck Norris as Nicolas Cage, and Chuck Norris says he’s Chuck Norris. Nicolas Cage remarks that of course he recognized Chuck Norris; after all, who’s more recognizable, Walker, Texas Ranger or an Academy Award winning actor? Chuck Norris rolls his eyes, and asks Nicolas Cage what brings him to the Underworld. Nicolas Cage smiles, stating that he’s there to study for a role he has coming up. Nicolas Cage asks Chuck Norris why he’s heading to the Underworld. Chuck Norris says he’s going to save his dead friends. Nicolas Cage is silent. Chuck Norris curses, saying he’s pissed Santa Claus didn’t tell him you could enter the elevator a different way than getting shot in the head with the magic pistol. Nicolas Cage answers that actually, the magic pistol was probably a lot easier than the two-day slog to get booked on CONAN. Chuck Norris admits this is a good point when the elevator door opens, revealing the Underworld. Nicolas Cage asks Chuck Norris if this is his first time, and Chuck Norris nods. Nicolas Cage offers to guide Chuck Norris to the Fields of Dead Badass Celebrities Guys in Peace, and Chuck Norris takes him up on it, figuring that that’s where Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis will be.

    Meanwhile, Mr. T lands the sleigh in a parking garage adjacent to the studio where CONAN is filmed. He soon finds himself with an issue: how can he carry five bodies without being noticed? Lucky for him, he finds a spare sack of Santa Claus’s on the ground of the sleigh. He throws the bodies into the sack and tightens the sack up to be the size of a backpack, which he promptly wears. As he heads down the studio, Mr. T gives himself a pep talk. After all, Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis are counting on him. It’d be foolish if his vendetta against Conan O’Brien ruined his chances of saving his friends’ lives. He vows to himself not to be a fool, and instead, be kind to Conan O’Brien, as getting into his studio is the only chance. He arrives at the studio and sees Conan O’Brien himself getting stuff ready. Mr. T walks up to Conan O’Brien, and introduces himself. Mr. T states he’s been a fool not to try to book himself on CONAN. Conan O’Brien blushes and says he’d love to have Mr. T on the show... but they’re booked for the evening. Conan O’Brien asks if he’d be okay if he was the guest of honor tomorrow. Mr. T frowns, but says it’s foolish but okay. Mr. T does ask though who is the guest tonight, and Conan O’Brien states that it’s Jamie Foxx. Mr. T looks suspicious, but then shrugs, saying the name of the fool sounds familiar, but he can’t place it.

    Chuck Norris and Nicolas Cage arrive at the Fields of Dead Badass Celebrities Guys in Peace, and it is hopping. So many dudes are partying it up, having sex with various demons. Nicolas Cage says the guys always have sex with the demons at the same spots, so if Nicolas Cage wants, he can take him to all of the people Chuck Norris wants to meet. Chuck Norris says that’d be cool. Nicolas Cage first leads Chuck Norris to Samuel L. Jackson. On the way there though, Chuck Norris spots Quentin Tarantino sucking a demon’s toes. Nicolas Cage introduces Chuck Norris to Samuel L. Jackson, but Samuel L. Jackson doesn’t remember him, instead calling himself Sam. As Nicolas Cage takes Chuck Norris to Jackie Chan, Nicolas Cage explains that no one remembers the past once they’re dead except for a fragment of their name. For example, Quentin Tarantino would think of himself as “Quent” only. They pass by Dwayne Johnson (“Dway”) who’s having sex with a bunny demon and run into Jackie Chan. Introductions are done and Chuck Norris meets “Jack.” They move onto the next person, but see Mel Gibson (“Mel”) having sex with a CGI Adolf Hitler on the way there. Nicolas Cage explains that some demons can shapeshift into imitations of one’s big influence and Chuck Norris nods at this. Chuck Norris meets Bruce Willis, or now just Bruce, and moves on. On the way to the final guy, Chuck Norris sees something very odd: Clark Gregg (“Clar”) having sex with Salma Hayek (“Sal”). Chuck Norris asks if Sal is an imitation, and Nicolas Cage is surprised to see her. Chuck Norris almost goes over to punch Clar out, but instead finds himself face-to-face with Liam Neeson, who isn’t having sex. Instead, he staring off blankly into the universe, talking about how, ultimately, death means nothing. Everything is without feeling. Chuck Norris introduces himself, and Liam Neeson gives a faint smile, stating that he wishes he knew a Chuck. He introduces himself as “Li” and Chuck Norris can’t take it anymore: he breaks down manly crying into Li’s arms. Li cries too, if only for the futility of anything. Nicolas Cage feels awkward so he leaves them to their manly sobbing.

    Satan paces his lair in the lowest layer of the Underworld. He talks to himself, stating he knows what he must first do. He pulls out his Book of Condemned Souls and writes Jamie Foxx’s name in it. He smiles for his petty-but-not-petty revenge. Satan wonders to himself what Jamie Foxx’s game plan could be. He thinks and then figures it out: Foxx wasn’t that open about himself, so he must be sending one of his own men into the Underworld. He pulls out the Guestbook of Not Totally Dead people and looks at the two recent logs. He shrugs at Nicolas Cage, understanding his need to be method-acting for an upcoming role but then sees the next name on the list: Chuck Norris. Satan is instantly terrified: after all, Chuck Norris is the second most ultimate badass, after, well… Satan turns to look at the big portrait on his wall: Satan with his big brother, Santa Claus. Satan smiles, saying he always loved his big brother, but then quickly turns back to the problem at hand. He presses the Chuck Norris log in the book, and we see the floor of the Underworld give out under Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris quickly pushes Li off of him and falls down to the Underworld’s lowest levels.

    Cut to an apartment. We see Jessie Neeson watching an episode of CONAN. On the episode, Jamie Foxx is cracking jokes with Conan O’Brien, but then at the end of the interview, jumps under Conan’s desk. Conan O’Brien laughs, saying that’s the second guest this week to end their interview that way. The audience laughs. Jamie Foxx is in the elevator but before the elevator can do the scan, he shoots out the elevator cord. The scan is interrupted by the huge fall of the elevator, but Jamie Foxx quickly shoots a grapple out of a grapple gun to the bottom of Conan O’Brien’s desk and lowers himself safely to on top of the elevator wreckage and the entry to the Underworld. He heads to the Field of Dead Badass Celebrities Guys in Peace and rolls his eyes at the demons, saying they’ll be in the way of his plan. He quickly dispatches the demons by rapping awfully on purpose about what the Foxx says, scaring them away. Dway asks Jamie Foxx who he thinks he is, and Jamie Foxx says he’s here to be a friend, introducing himself as simply Jamie. Sam says he thinks something is up with this guy, and Jack flicks Sam off, telling him to calm down. Nicolas Cage announces a potluck for the new member of the Dead Badass Celebrities Guys in Peace, and Jamie Foxx graciously accepts. Li is too morose to join however, but Jamie Foxx leaves him be. Sal says she should be going, but Jamie Foxx slaps her butt to make her feel welcome. Suddenly, Christopher Lloyd (“Chris”) streaks in, saying he’s sorry he wasn’t there, he was too busy taking a bath. Jamie Foxx welcomes him too, and Nicolas Cage gives them all bug-eyes, kinda weirded-out. Cut back to the episode of CONAN. Conan O’Brien feels a bit awkward so he calls Mr. T and asks him if he wants to be bumped up to be the second guest of the night, since Jamie Foxx left a tad earlier than expected. Mr. T says he’d be a fool not to take the opportunity.

    Chuck Norris wakes up in Satan’s lair. Chuck Norris asks Satan who he is, and Satan rolls his eyes and points his red pitchfork at him. Satan tells him to take a wild guess, and Chuck Norris guesses he’s Satan. Satan sarcastically applauds while telling Chuck Norris he has a problem on his hands. You see, the Underworld has been having unusual security breaches in recent days, and Satan usually doesn’t care. After all, if people want to visit the Underworld before their time, that’s fine by him since, well, the entrance is so hard to get to. Chuck Norris asks Satan what he means, and Satan states that he knows Chuck Norris isn’t completely dead. He then asks why Chuck Norris is in the Underworld, and Chuck Norris explains he’s here to save his friends. Satan laughs, saying that once people die, as long as he’s around, they cannot escape without his express permission. Chuck Norris challenges Satan to a fight for his friends, but Satan declines, saying that it wouldn’t be a fair fight. Chuck Norris rolls his eyes and begins a Chuck Norris vs. Satan fight!! Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Satan in the face, but Satan teleports away! Chuck Norris looks around, when Satan materializes in thin air and then tackles Chuck Norris to the ground! He snaps his fingers, making fiery chains around Chuck Norris’ wrists, bolting him to the floor! Satan laughs, saying Chuck Norris should’ve known better. However, he has an offer for Chuck Norris: Chuck Norris, with the help of one friend with regained memories, must face and defeat the Three Elemental Demons of Pure Hellfire. Chuck Norris accepts the challenge, and Satan asks who he’ll take for help. Chuck Norris smiles and answers. Liam Neeson.

    Up at Nicolas Cage’s potluck, everyone is eating, drinking, and being merry. Well, everyone except Li, who is instead staring off into the distance morosely. He muses that if this is what has become of him, Li, in the afterlife, he can’t imagine how awful his past was. Suddenly, the ground opens up underneath him, and he too falls down into the depths of the Underworld. Meanwhile, Satan says that in order to regain memories, Chuck Norris will have to kiss Liam Neeson on the lips. Chuck Norris does a double take at that, and asks Satan why that’s necessary. Satan explains that it really isn’t necessary, but since he’s a sadist who gets sick pleasure out of awkward kissing, Chuck Norris must do it. Chuck Norris sighs, saying he’d rather roundhouse kick Liam Neeson, and Satan says that’s not an option. Li lands in Satan’s lair, and asks what Chuck is doing there. Chuck Norris clenches his fists with rage at Satan and asks if there isn’t another way. Satan winks and says that no angel born in Hell could break the spell of death. Chuck Norris rolls his eyes, and kisses Li. Time slows down and we enter Li’s eyes. We see him enter Hollywood, and get a quick highlight reel of his most famous roles. We see him accept the role for Clark Gregg’s independent film, and arguing with Chuck Norris for the first time. We see him and Chuck Norris team up to fight the Loch Ness Monster, the Abominable Snowman, and Bigfoot. We see his tears of joy of being reunited with his daughter, Jessie. We see him wrestle Mel Gibson, and then the gun going off. LIAM NEESON IS BACK, BABY! He screams and then pushes Chuck Norris off him. Chuck Norris asks if it worked and Liam Neeson slaps Chuck Norris in the face and kicks him in the balls. Liam Neeson says never to kiss him again. Satan laughs with delight as the fires in his lair climbs high into the night. Liam Neeson then asks Chuck Norris what’s going on. Chuck Norris explains why he had to kiss Liam Neeson, and then explains the deal with the trials. Liam Neeson realizes the graveness of the situation and asks Satan to begin the trial. Satan smiles and snaps his fingers.

    Backstage at Conan O’Brien’s, we see Mr. T with Santa’s sack right by him. Mr. T coaches himself not to be a fool; remain calm for his friends. A stagehand tells him it’s time. And CONAN returns from commercial break! Conan O’Brien announces his next guest; Mr. T! Mr. T enters and takes a seat. Conan O’Brien talks to him using some fun banter, asking Mr. T where he has been in the movies. Mr. T explains that he’s been making friends, something he didn’t do earlier in his career rather foolishly. Conan O’Brien asks who his friends are, and Mr. T says that it’s none of Conan O’Brien’s business. Conan O’Brien is shocked by the answer, but continues on with the interview. He asks Mr. T about the viral videos he’s involved with, and Mr. T says he has no idea what he’s talking about. Conan O’Brien then plays a clip. In the clip (footage from vs. GIANT Spiders,) Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson arun up to where Mr. T is standing. However, tranquilizer darts are wearing off on the giantester spider of all time, but Mr. T doesn’t notice. When Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson arrive, the giantester spider of all time suddenly wakes up and roars, eating Mr. T in a split second. Back on CONAN, Conan O’Brien laughs at the clip, saying the idea of Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, and Mr. T fighting giant spiders is hilariously absurd. Mr. T remains quite as Conan O’Brien continues, saying the other clips, featuring Samuel L. Jackson, Bruce Willis and Jackie Chan are probably the best bit of Internet television in a long time. Conan O’Brien asks who came up with the idea of casting Billy Bob Thornton as Santa Claus, and Mr. T has had enough! He stands up on the test, and Conan O’Brien quips, asking if he’s trying for another viral video. Mr. T begins to rant, stating that he used to be someone in the town; the baddest badass around, but then something changed. The crowd moved onto someone new: Chuck Norris. Mr. T explains that he used to blame this all on that person, Chuck Norris, but after meeting him, he discovered that Chuck Norris was a pretty swell guy. The bad person, the person who caused Chuck Norris’s newfound popularity, is Conan O’Brien. However, Mr. T came in ready to forgive Conan O’Brien for all of his wrongdoings. After all, Chuck Norris ended up being nice. Now though, Mr. T realized something even worse: Conan O’Brien, despite all evidence to the contrary... does not believe in Santa Claus. Conan O’Brien, expecting something much worse, bursts out in laughter at this revelation. Mr. T then dumps Santa’s sack on the ground, spilling the bodies. Conan O’Brien becomes very quiet as Mr. T says this is proof of Santa Claus. He then turns Conan O’Brien, and says, while pulling out his gun, that he came here to save his friends from the Underworld, not to kill Conan O’Brien. However, it looks like he has the chance to accomplish both. Conan O’Brien gulps, and asks Mr. T for mercy. Mr. T considers it, and then tosses his gun to the side. Mr. T states it would be foolish not to challenge Conan O’Brien to an actual fistfight. Conan O’Brien accepts but then whistles. From the rafters comes Steven Ho, ready to fight on the side of Conan O’Brien. Mr. T grimaces but then goes into for the fight.

    Cut to Nicolas Cage’s potluck. Nicolas Cage begins serving some pigs in a blanket to everyone as Sam calls over his two best friends, even in death, over to talk with him: Jack and Bruce. Sam explains he’s getting really bad feelings about Jamie Foxx (or rather just Jamie), and Jack just rolls his eyes, saying that Sam already complained about Jamie. Bruce backs up Sam though, agreeing that something is off about Jamie. On a two-to-one vote, the three decide to head to the Dead Dude’s Relocation Committee to ask for Jamie to be transferred. Back at the potluck though, Jamie Foxx tells a story to Quent, Dway, Mel, Clar, Sal, and Chris. Jamie Foxx explains that he thinks that hell and heaven are way overrated. Why separate dead people on whether or not they went to church? Jamie Foxx explains that when he took a role in The Amazing Spider-Man 2, a little part of him died and Satan sent it to the Lake of Fire. No one deserves that amount of pain… no one except Satan. Quent asks why they should care. Jamie Foxx grimaces, and explains that all people who cannot remember their names are eventually sent to the Lake of Fire after five years of residence in the Underworld. Then they will spend three years in horrible, unrescuable, pain, until finally they cease to exist. Jamie Foxx offers to tell all of them their names if and only if they swear total allegiance to him. The six dead people stare at each other and agree to Jamie Foxx’s demands. Jamie Foxx starts with Dway, and puts his hand on his forehead and states “Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.” Dwayne Johnson’s eyes flicker simply to scenes of him signing his name on various items and nothing more. Dwayne Johnson smiles, having an identity for the first time in a while. Jamie Foxx asks who’s next as Nicolas Cage looks on in fear, and then leaves the area.

    Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson are in a ring. Satan recaps the rules: Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson must defeat three demons in hand to paw combat. If they fail, they’ll immediately be thrown into the Lake of Fire. If they win, Satan will free Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis from the Underworld. The fight begins in three! Chuck Norris asks if Liam Neeson is ready. Liam Neeson says he’s as ready as he’ll ever be. Two! Liam Neeson says he has one question for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris says shoot. One! Liam Neeson asks if Chuck Norris ever made sure Jessie was checked up on, since, you know, they might have some people after them on Earth. Chuck Norris chuckles and Liam Neeson’s eyes narrow. GO! Three demons in the shape of giant dogs (kinda like Clifford the Big Red Dog, actually) fall into the pit. Satan laughs and starts singing lalas and dodos to be the musical score for the fight. The three demons introduce to themselves to Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson as 
    the Sea Demon, the Snow Demon, and the Land Demon. Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson glance at each other and say “Déjà vu” in perfect unison. Now, it’s time for the first actual fight of the movie: Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Sea Demon, the Snow Demon, and the Land Demon! Immediately, Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson run to tackle the Snow Demon into the flames surrounding the pit! The Snow Demon immediately melts in agony, dying! Satan screams in anger, berating himself for not turning off the fire! Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson look at each other and nod, splitting up their hunt! Chuck Norris goes after at the Sea Demon and roundhouse kicks it in the face! The Sea Demon melts into water in response, and goes over to merge in the water remaining from the Snow Demon, allowing it to become bigger! Satan laughs! Meanwhile, Liam Neeson runs to the Land Demon and puts up his fists! The Land Demon laughs and eats Liam Neeson whole! This was a terrible mistake though, as everyone knows that if you’re going to eat Liam Neeson, you better chew him up first! Liam Neeson goes into the stomach of the Land Demon and beats up from the inside, carefully avoiding the uvula to keep the tactical advantage! The Land Demon feels sick, and then promptly explodes, leaving Liam Neeson unharmed! Satan goes “NO!” Liam Neeson asks Chuck Norris if he needs help, and Chuck Norris answers with a resounding YES, being rag-dolled all over the place! Liam Neeson kicks out the Sea Demon’s teeth with a running start! The Sea Demon recoils, spitting out Chuck Norris! Chuck Norris realizes that the Sea Demon is made of water, and he tells Liam Neeson to repeat their strategy! Liam Neeson punches! Sea Demon backs up! Chuck Norris kicks! Sea Demon backs up! Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson both go in for a tackle! The Sea Demon, with the two badasses falls into the fire, evaporating immediately into steam! Chuck Norris quickly undrapes a cloak and he and Liam Neeson use the cloak to ride the steam and avoid being hurt! Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson have won this fight for their friends!

    The fires die down as Satan grimaces. He murmurs to himself that even though the fires look badass, they need to go next fight. Chuck Norris asks for his friends, and Satan begrudgedly snaps his fingers. Cut to Sam, Jack, and Bruce walking through the Underworld when suddenly the ground gives out underneath them. Cut back to Satan who says they’re on the way. Liam Neeson shakes Satan’s hand, saying it’s good to be a man of his word. Satan asks which one of them is gonna kiss who. Liam Neeson frowns, but then Chuck Norris points out that if all three have to get kissed, then Satan will have to kiss one of them. Satan frowns at that as Sam, Jack, and Bruce land in Satan’s lair. Bruce asks why they’re here, and then Satan comments that Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson are no fun. Satan snaps his fingers and we see quickly the three badasses’ eyes fill with memories of their past quickly. Samuel L. Jackson meets Quentin Tarantino for the first time, setting his career into its best phase. Jackie Chan is cast in Rush Hour. Bruce Willis says “Yippe-kai-yay.” They open their eyes and smile. SAMUEL L. JACKSON, JACKIE CHAN, AND BRUCE WILLIS ARE BACK, BABIES! Chuck Norris smiles and brings all five of them for a manly group hug. Satan claps sarcastically at this display of affection. Samuel L. Jackson pauses, and says Satan looks familiar. Satan comments that this is the way “sort-of deities” work; they take on the guise of famous actors to appear to mortals. Satan picked Willem Defoe because of his favorite Super Bowl commercial and also for the irony sake of an actor who portrayed Jesus being Satan, and then Bruce Willis muses that that must explain why Santa Claus looks Billy Bob Thornton to him. Satan says it’s great they now know the rules to life, but then he reveals three elevators to them. One of them, he explains, takes them to the Lake of Fire. A different elevator takes them to the Gateway of the Dead, the usual entrance to the Underworld. The last one is simply an entry elevator AKA completely useless for the five badasses. Jackie Chan rolls his eyes and asks which elevator to take. Satan says he’s not gonna tell them, ha ha ha. Chuck Norris punches Satan, and Satan, realizing that since he’s outnumbered, tells them it’s the far right one. Samuel L. Jackson asks how they can trust Satan, and Satan says he can’t physically lie about life/death/worse-than-death situations. Liam Neeson shrugs saying it works for him as the five badasses enter the far right elevator. The elevator closes and Satan sighs, asking if the day could get any worse. The far left elevator opens and out exits Jamie Foxx, followed by Dwayne Johnson, Mel Gibson, Quentin Tarantino, Christopher Lloyd, Clark Gregg, and Salma Hayek. Jamie Foxx tells Satan he needs to go into the middle elevator with them. Satan asks why, and Jamie Foxx explains that he aims to destroy Satan once and for all. Satan just says “F*ck it” and goes with them. As the elevator doors close behind the eight of them, Satan tells them he looks forward to watching the seven others commit suicide. The seven others creepily laugh in unison, and Satan screams at the annoying laughs.

    Back at Conan O’Brien’s studio, Mr. T slicks back his Mohawk in preparation. That’s right, it’s time for the fight four movies in the making: Mr. T vs. Conan O’Brien (and Steven Ho)! Mr. T charges towards Conan O’Brien, but Steven Ho blocks his path! Mr. T rolls his eyes but then punches Steven Ho! Steven Ho deflects the punch with ninja magic, and Mr. T is confused, because Steven Ho is not a ninja! Conan O’Brien laughs nervously, annoying Mr. T! Mr. T again tries to attack Steven Ho, but instead, Steven Ho pulls out a knife! Mr. T complains about that not being fair, but then Steven Ho attacks him with the knife, attempting to stab Mr. T! Mr. T avoids the knife by jumping onto Conan O’Brien’s desk! Mr. T declares to Steven Ho that it’s over; he has the high ground! Steven Ho rolls his eyes and jumps! Mr. T manages to sidekick him so hard, that Steven Ho flies out the window! Conan O’Brien screams girlishly, as it looks like Mr. T will win this fight, costing him his life! Suddenly, a feminine voice is heard: “STOP!” Mr. T swerves his head around. Jessie Neeson has arrived at the studio! Mr. T asks Jessie what she’s doing here, and she walks up to Mr. T and slaps him. Jessie explains she was watching a livestream of CONAN and saw the fight. She came over to stop it since she knew her father was a friend of Mr. T’s but she’s a fan of Conan O’Brien. Conan O’Brien promptly praises TBS for forcing the idea of a week of broadcasting live. Mr. T complains that this is proof of a god, a deus ex machine. Jessie rolls her eyes at Mr. T’s leaning on the fourth wall. Conan O’Brien tells Mr. T that he forgives him for the attack. Conan O’Brien never realized how much his memetic mutation caused Mr. T’s career to go badly. Mr. T sighs, and decides it’s best to forgive. He shakes Conan O’Brien’s hand, and explains that he’s here to save the lives of his friends, including Jessie’s dad. Jessie’s eyes widen; she asks if her dad is okay. Mr. T awkwardly explains that Liam Neeson, along with his four other friends are dead at the moment, but if Conan O’Brien lets them, all they need to do is stay here until they wake up from the Underworld. Conan O’Brien exclaims that if Mr. T had explained that in the first place, there wouldn’t have been any trouble at all! Mr. T facepalms but Jessie begins crying tears of joy. Mr. T says all they need to do is wait for the fools to return.

    The elevator opens to the Lake of Fire. Satan is quickly escorted by Jamie Foxx outside the elevator. Jamie Foxx orders the other six celebs to stay back; he’s going to take care of Satan on his own. In the background, one could see Nicolas Cage sneaking onto the elevator to go up with the six celebs. The elevator closes and Jamie Foxx tells Satan it’s his last chance: either he reveals a righteous enough man that will allow Jamie Foxx to open the Rift Gate, or Satan will be plunged into the Lake of Fire. Satan attempts to teleport away, but before he does, Jamie Foxx manages to lightning-fast kick in the groin! Satan moans, asking why Jamie Foxx did that. Jamie Foxx explains that if there’s one place that he figured could stop Satan’s supernatural abilities, it’s his balls. Satan moans again at this logic. Jamie Foxx then grabs Satan by the neck and dangles him over the Lake of Fire. Satan quickly explains: Conan O’Brien is the righteous man. Jamie Foxx laughs at this, saying he knows Conan O’Brien sold his soul to the devil; how can he be the righteous man? Satan explains that when Conan O’Brien first went to Harvard, one day, Jeff Zucker, Conan O’Brien’s future boss at NBC and fellow student at Harvard at the time, was in a car accident. A flashback scene occurs. Jeff Zucker was on the verge of dying, and Conan O’Brien felt guilty. Why? Well, he was the one who invited Jeff Zucker to the frat party that he drove home drunk from, causing his accident. Satan was doing his reaping rounds at Harvard at the time, and he found Conan O’Brien crying in his room. Satan asked what was wrong, and Conan O’Brien said he didn’t feel helpful after accidentally hurting a close friend of his. Satan then revealed himself to Conan O’Brien, and offers him a deal. If he sells his soul to Satan, Satan will allow Jeff Zucker to live. Conan O’Brien complained, saying it wasn’t fair; Satan can’t ask him to weigh a life in his hands like that. Satan told Conan O’Brien life and death has never been fair. After a few seconds of deliberation, Conan O’Brien agreed to sell his soul to Satan. Conan O’Brien’s soul was pulled out of him, and Jeff Zucker woke up.

    The flashback ends and Jamie Foxx rolls his eyes. He says that’s what he expected; a man with no soul can’t be righteous! Satan explains more, returning to the flashback. Satan disappeared immediately after Conan O’Brien’s soul was taken. Conan O’Brien immediately ran to the hospital where Jeff Zucker was staying, and started nursing him back to health. Conan O’Brien worked hard for Jeff Zucker, almost becoming his personal butler in a way. Jeff Zucker though was not grateful at all for Conan O’Brien’s hard work, and instead screamed at him incessantly. Satan watched it all from his lair in bizarre fascination. Why would a man condemned to the largest pain in the Underworld after life work so hard to serve another? This went on for quite a few years, until finally, twenty-five years after graduating college, Jeff Zucker fired Conan O’Brien from the Tonight Show just because Jeff Zucker hated Conan O’Brien for no actual reason except to be a douche. Satan had had enough. That night, Satan entered Conan O’Brien’s dreams, and asked him what he thought of being fired. Conan O’Brien stated that he’s obviously quite upset about it... however, ultimately, his life had gone surprisingly good since selling his soul to the devil, and this is just a setback. Satan asked if he blames Jeff Zucker at all, and Conan O’Brien answered that Jeff Zucker is just a good guy under bad circumstances. Satan couldn’t believe Conan O’Brien’s humility. He wiped Conan O’Brien’s memory of his dream visit, and quickly manifested himself in Conan O’Brien’s apartment. He returned Conan O’Brien’s soul to him while he was sleeping.

    The second flashback ends, and Satan explains that later, he took Jeff Zucker’s soul and caused his downfall at NBC. Conan O’Brien is the most righteous man living in Hollywood right now. Jamie Foxx doesn’t believe Satan, and asks if Conan O’Brien has a soul, why is the gateway to the Underworld under his desk? Satan explains that Conan O’Brien himself doesn’t know his soul has returned, since Satan has a reputation to uphold. Thus, Satan put the gateway to the Underworld there as a fake reminder to Conan O’Brien of his ultimate destiny if he had no soul. Satan then begs Jamie Foxx for mercy. Jamie Foxx smiles, and tells Satan it’s his choice: either Satan himself can sacrifice himself for the Rift Gate to work, or Jamie Foxx will kill Conan O’Brien and use his body to open the Rift Gate. Satan is conflicted, but ultimately, being the slimy scum he is, tells Jamie Foxx to kill Conan O’Brien. Jamie Foxx rolls his eyes, and then asks Satan if he considers Jamie Foxx to be a righteous man. Satan spits in Jamie Foxx’s face, and Jamie Foxx wipes away the boiling saliva with the non-holding-Satan hand. Jamie Foxx then says “Ezekiel 25:17,” but then stops, and asks Satan if he’s ever seen Pulp Fiction. Satan states that yes, he has, and Jamie Foxx is no Samuel L. Jackson. Jamie Foxx grimaces, but then smiles and says that he’s no righteous man either, as he tosses Satan into the Lake of Fire! Jamie Foxx declares that Satan disgusts him, but as a dying request, he will gladly kill Conan O’Brien. Before succumbing to the pure terror of the Lake of Fire’s pain, Satan screams “NO! PLEASE DON’T!” Jamie Foxx just smiles and says that it was Satan’s choice. Jamie Foxx enters the elevator’s doors (just opened), as Satan begins his eternal burnation.

    Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis are lost at the Gateway to the Underworld. Jackie Chan complains that Samuel L. Jackson has got them lost, and Bruce Willis tells them both to shut up. Chuck Norris narrows his eyes and stares off into the distance. There’s a figure in the distance. Liam Neeson asks who that is, and Chuck Norris smiles. Nicolas Cage has come to help! Samuel L. Jackson groans loudly, and Liam Neeson asks who it is. Samuel L. Jackson states he’s worked with Nicolas Cage before... and saying he’s a weirdass motherf*cker is a massive understatement. Bruce Willis laughs, saying he likes National Treasure. Nicolas Cage has arrived, and Chuck Norris asks how it’s going. Inexplicably speaking in a Jamaican accent (one he will keep for the rest of this film series by the way), Nicolas Cage explains that Hell is going to hell! He then inexplicably stares at the camera, and deadpanly states, slowly and overacting the accent, that if this was a movie, that would’ve been a perfect line for the trailers. Everyone is awkwardly silent until Jackie Chan starts laughing, saying that Samuel L. Jackson was right; Nicolas Cage is a weirdass motherf*cker. Nicolas Cage screams that he broke into the Underworld for a reason besides method-acting, and Liam Neeson asks what that is. Gilligan cut to Nicolas Cage screaming and throwing a man with a powdered wig on (Clark Gregg in a purposely bad makeup job) into the Lake of Fire, and then jumping on his head repeatedly until, right before completely submerged in the Lake, Nicolas Cage jumps up and out of the Lake and near the elevator, which suddenly opens, with Jamie Foxx and Satan exiting. Back to the five badasses, Nicolas Cage explains that he finally destroyed the last hiding-out-from-Satan Founding Father; the Declaration of Independence should now legally be his! Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis, and Liam Neeson’s jaws all collectively drop in unison. Nicolas Cage is ca-razy! Chuck Norris ignores the insanity and asks Nicolas Cage what he meant by “Hell is going to hell,” and Nicolas Cage explains in a bizarre monologue about how Satan has been overthrown like cheese and crackers and Jamie Foxx is the greatest thing since Jesus bread. Samuel L. Jackson’s eyes narrow at the Jamie Foxx mention, remembering his lost bet with him. Liam Neeson just asks Nicolas Cage if he knows the way to Conan O’Brien’s studio, and Nicolas Cage asks why they didn’t just ask, and screams to follow him.

    A quick montage occurs, showing Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis all following Nicolas Cage in a bizarre path through the Underworld. Meanwhile, the montage intercuts with scenes of Jamie Foxx, Dwayne Johnson, Mel Gibson, Quentin Tarantino, Christopher Lloyd, Clark Gregg, and Salma Hayek following their scent, as Jamie Foxx proclaims he believes this is the way to Conan O’Brien’s place for his master plan of opening the Rift Gate and flooding the world with characters Jamie Foxx has portrayed, allowing him to take over the world! His minions agree with him in a hypnotic fashion. Jamie Foxx has truly become their Hey Zeus!. The montage ends when the five badasses and Nicolas Cage arrive at the elevator first. Unfortunately, the elevator up into Conan O’Brien’s desk is out of order, probably thanks to Jamie Foxx destroying it earlier in the movie. No matter, because Nicolas Cage pulls out a bazooka. Liam Neeson asks what Nicolas Cage plans on doing with the bazooka, and Nicolas Cage explains that since Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis are all technically still dead, he needs to kill them once against so they wake up in their mortal bodies. Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis look at Nicolas Cage like he’s crazy, but Samuel L. Jackson remains thoughtful. He says that actually makes sense, and Nicolas Cage smiles at them bug-eyed. One by one, the four other badasses give Nicolas Cage their approval, and Nicolas Cage jumps up and shoots the bazooka at the five.

    In Conan O’Brien’s studio, all five badasses wake up back in their body, alive! Mr. T smiles the biggest damn smile in the history of big damn smiles. For the first time in his life, he didn’t let someone down! Conan O’Brien smiles too; five celebrity guests, miraculously returning to life on live television! Jessie Neeson points out that the cameras stopped rolling once she showed up and Conan O’Brien frowns for a second, but then smiles again, saying he’s just happy everyone’s alive again and it’s a happy ending! Jessie looks at her dad, and Liam Neeson looks back at his daughter. They run towards each other to hug... but before they can, Conan O’Brien’s desk blows up! Nicolas Cage bursts through the wreckage, exclaiming that that was fun, using the bazooka’s rocket power to make his way out of the Underworld! Chuck Norris breaks out laughing, and soon everyone is laughing. This is f*cking great. Everyone is too busy laughing though, to notice the grapple suddenly appearing near the now easily visible entrance to the Underworld.

    Jamie Foxx rappels upward at great force to arrive in Conan O’Brien’s studio. On his back are his six celebrity minions, piggyback styling. Jamie Foxx pulls out a pistol and aims it at Conan O’Brien. Nicolas Cage runs up and tackles Jamie Foxx! Nicolas Cage begins licking him all over, but Jamie Foxx just slaps him, telling him to stop; that’s not nice. Nicolas Cage whimpers and walks away. Chuck Norris screams out a question, asking how is it that the other dead people (referring to Dwayne Johnson, Mel Gibson, Christopher Lloyd, Clark Gregg, Quentin Tarantino, and Salma Hayek) are here on Earth, despite not having their bodies repaired. Jamie Foxx says that the rules of the Underworld are all dead now with their leader. Liam Neeson asks what he means, and Jamie Foxx states that Satan is gone forever. Everyone gasps, and Mr. T frowns, saying he wishes he could’ve met Satan. Bruce Willis states that Satan was actually a pretty nice guy despite his Satanness. Jamie Foxx, seeing everyone distracted by Mr. T and Bruce Willis’s back-and-forth takes the opportunity to shoot Conan O’Brien in the head! Conan O’Brien falls to the floor, gasping. Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis, Mr. T, Nicolas Cage, and Jessie Neeson all simultaneously gasp. Conan O’Brien tries to repent, but then remarks that he sees a bright light... and it is nice… We see someone else exit the Underworld; Steven Ho. Mr. T asks where he came from, but Steven Ho explains he knows his way out of the Underworld from his past; he was just lucky that apparently dead people can escape the Underworld alone. He runs to Conan O’Brien, who is seeing the Overworld. Conan O’Brien begs Steven Ho to acknowledge the existence of an upper being as he dies in his arms. Steven Ho screams “NOOOOO-“ but then is cut off by being shot in the head by Jamie Foxx. He falls to the ground, dying, but, having acknowledged an upper being within his brain, retires to the Overworld in his death. Jamie Foxx then grabs Jessie Neeson, and puts a gun to her head. He explains that no one here is going to ruin his plan to open the Rift Gate. Everyone looks at him confused. No one knows what the Rift Gate is. Jamie Foxx rolls his eyes, and says he’s explained it enough; they’ll find out in a few minutes anyway. Christopher Lloyd takes Steven Ho’s body to the entrance of the Underworld and speaks Latin to it. Mr. T, nervous, asks what’s going on, and Jamie Foxx explains that Christopher Lloyd is using an ancient technique he learned to seal up all entrances to the Underworld; they can’t afford any more dead people or demons escaping. He then orders his minions to attack the people there, and promptly grabs Conan O’Brien’s body and runs, leaving Jessie Neeson behind to face the minions. Chuck Norris manages to jump over Dwayne Johnson who runs to attack him, and Mr. T dives in between Christopher Lloyd’s legs to follow Chuck Norris.

    It’s time for a battle royale! Nicolas Cage vs. Christopher Lloyd! Jackie Chan vs. Dwayne Johnson! Liam Neeson vs. Mel Gibson rematch! Bruce Willis vs. Clark Gregg! Samuel L. Jackson vs. Quentin Tarantino! Jessie Neeson vs. Salma Hayek! And finally, Chuck Norris and Mr. T in an epic chase to get to Jamie Foxx! Instead the typical way I write these, we’re gonna presume it has some swell editing, and each fight will get a paragraph. Y’all can presume it’s intercut chronologically and well! #TotallyCheatingInAWay

    Nicolas Cage vs. Christopher Lloyd: Nicolas Cage screams in Christopher Lloyd’s face! Christopher Lloyd screams back! Nicolas Cage challenges him to a rap battle! Christopher Lloyd says why not! They scream into each other’s face, rapping asinine lyrics back-and-forth! However, what Christopher Lloyd doesn’t count on is how Nicolas Cage is a badass at screaming! After the third verse, Christopher Lloyd faints from exhaustion!

    Jackie Chan vs. Dwayne Johnson: Jackie Chan lays on the ground, to collect his bearings before the fight! Dwayne Johnson screams, saying he knows what the Rock is cooking, and it’s Jackie Chan’s corpse! Jackie Chan’s eyes open, and as soon Dwayne Johnson goes for a kick, he neutralizes it! Jackie Chan then flips Dwayne Johnson on the ground! Dwayne Johnson growls, and then rolls under Jackie Chan! Jackie Chan don’t care, because he jumps up and lands on Dwayne Johnson’s face! Seeing his advantage, Jackie Chan stabs Dwayne Johnson in the eyes with his untrimmed toenails! Dwayne Johnson screams in agony, but then faints from the pain!

    Liam Neeson vs. Mel Gibson: Liam Neeson is ready for a rematch! Mel Gibson goes in for a punch; Liam Neeson dodges it! Liam Neeson uppercuts, but Mel Gibson is prepared with an open mouth! By biting down on Liam Neeson’s knuckles before the punch makes full contact, Mel Gibson causes great pain on Liam Neeson! Liam Neeson screams in agony! Mel Gibson maintains his oral grip on Liam Neeson and begins spinning around Liam Neeson with his mouth! Liam Neeson sees only one answer to the fight! Liam Neeson manipulates his body so that he can kick Mel Gibson in the groin! Mel Gibson recoils from the kick, allowing Liam Neeson to be free! However, Mel Gibson smiles, not feeling pain! Liam Neeson’s eyes widen as he remembers a factoid he read in TIME Magazine a few months ago; Mel Gibson self-castrated himself during his depression days! How can Liam Neeson win?

    Bruce Willis vs. Clark Gregg: Jeez, what a one-sided fight! I honestly don’t even want to write it out! But whatever, it’s my job! Bruce Willis grabs Clark Gregg and puts in a headlock! Throughout the other fights, the movie continues to cut back to Bruce Willis just punching Clark Gregg repeatedly in the stomach with one arm, while the other arm keeps him in a headlock! Bruce Willis is a modern day Hugo Stiglitz! Speaking of which...

    Samuel L. Jackson vs. Quentin Tarantino: Samuel L. Jackson states he’s gonna try to take it easy on Quentin Tarantino! Quentin Tarantino rolls his eyes, and lunges for Samuel L. Jackson’s toes! Samuel L. Jackson, taken by surprise with the attack, tries to get Quentin Tarantino off his feet! Too bad Quentin Tarantino has a tight jaw grip! Samuel L. Jackson tries to figure out a way to get rid of him, but then gets an idea by looking at the broken window! He drags Quentin Tarantino over to the window, but then dangles him over the edge! Quentin Tarantino still won’t let go! Samuel L. Jackson is getting annoyed, but he sees some dangling wires! He promptly grabs some, and electrocutes Quentin Tarantino! Quentin Tarantino lets go of the toes, but before he can die, Samuel L. Jackson grabs his unconscious body, and saves Quentin Tarantino from certain death! Samuel L. Jackson then throws him on the floor, done with the fight!

    Jessie Neeson vs. Salma Hayek: Cat fight! Jessie Neeson slaps! Salma Hayek slaps! Jessie Neeson kicks! So does Salma Hayek! Jessie Neeson flips over Salma Hayek and then pulls her hair! Salma Hayek screams in agony! Jessie Neeson mounts Salma Hayek, wrapping her legs around her neck! Salma Hayek chokes but then goes unconscious by the lack of consciousness! Jessie Neeson then looks around and sees her father struggling with fighting Mel Gibson! She runs up to them with Salma Hayek’s body in her arms! As Liam Neeson’s eyes widen at Mel Gibson’s self-castration, Jessie Neeson knocks over Mel Gibson with Salma Hayek! She then whips him with the unconscious body, causing Mel Gibson himself to go unconscious! Jessie then looks to her father who smiles, stating that’s his girl! They go in for an epically adorable hug!

    Chuck Norris and Mr. T vs. Jamie Foxx: Mr. T quickly catches up with Chuck Norris! Chuck Norris thanks Mr. T for saving their lives! Mr. T states not to thank him; he’s coming for revenge for Conan O’Brien, the true savior of their lives! Meanwhile, Jamie Foxx has arrived at the Rift Gate prototype! He lays down Conan O’Brien’s body at the base of the triangle-shaped structure (it actually kinda looks like the portal from Treasure Planet)! The machine turns on, and up opens a directory! Jamie Foxx has succeeded! However, he goes through his catalog of options to insert into their world, and realizes... he hasn’t been in any major movies in the past nine years, and that’s all the Rift Gate will allow him to teleport from! He screams in anger, but then he notices a button labeled “Best of Blankments Productions.” He smiles at this and goes into press the button when suddenly, his arm is hit by a shuriken! Mr. T smiles, as Chuck Norris asks where he got that! Mr. T states he’s had since he and Jackie Chan went bowling a few months ago! Chuck Norris points out that’s kinda like a god, a deus ex machine! Mr. T winks at the obvious callback! Chuck Norris says Jamie Foxx will never get away with ruining his mansion again, and Mr. T says he’ll regret killing Conan O’Brien! Jamie Foxx growls but then smiles, laughing hysterically as he presses the button anyway! A huge wave of energy is released as Chuck Norris and Mr. T are sent flying back to Conan O’Brien’s studio!

    It is now the final scene of the movie. The six badasses back at the studio suddenly look out to a beam of green light coming from the Rift Gate. Chuck Norris and Mr. T fly through the window, but Nicolas Cage inexplicably is able to grab them both, saving them from certain death. Liam Neeson asks what is happening. We cut back to Jamie Foxx, laughing maniacally. The Last Six (Dionysius, Ares, Freyja, Loki, Osiris, and Isis) fly out and hypnotically swear allegiance to Jamie Foxx. This is soon followed up by the Justice League (
    Flash, Booster Gold, Martian Manhunter, Blue Beetle, Plastic-Man, Wonder Woman, and Aquaman) doing the same. Jamie Foxx says one more is going through the studio. Back at the studio, Christopher Lloyd, Dwayne Johnson, Mel Gibson, Clark Gregg, Salma Hayek, and Quentin Tarantino all wake up. Nicolas Cage goes around kissing them all on the lips, returning them their memories. Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, and the other badasses are too distracted to fight them, but none of the revived minions want to fight anymore anyway. They all stare off into the distance and see the movie characters arrive. Suddenly, a flame of fire is seen, and Jamie Foxx arrives in front of them on top of Thomas the Tank Engine! Jamie Foxx declares himself lord of all movies and ruler of the free world! He then sics the Last Six and the Justice League on Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis, Mr. T, Nicolas Cage, Christopher Lloyd, Dwayne Johnson, Mel Gibson, Clark Gregg, Salma Hayek, and Quentin Tarantino! Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson declare in perfect unison that shit just got real.










    YEAR 10

    Theaters: 3,829
    Rating: R for intense sequences of action and violence, drug use, strong language, nudity, sexuality, a rape scene, and disturbing images.
    Budget: $50 million

    Previous Films Gross: OW/DOM/WW
    Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Loch Ness Monster: 29.0/77.4/127.4
    Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Abominable Snowman: 41.3/96.6/174.6
    Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. Bigfoot: 57.0/138.6/256.2
    Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. Giant Spiders: 61.4/131.9/246.7
    Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. Santa Claus, Ultimate Badass: 55.0/160.2/331.8

    Edited by Blankments
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    Dawn of the Last Six

    Writer-Director: Brad Bird
    Genre: Fantasy Action
    Date: April 26
    Studio: Blankments Productions and Badass Films
    CastJoseph Gordon-Levitt as Dionysus, Armie Hammer as Ares, Andrew Garfield as Loki, AnnaSophia Robb as Freyja, Olivia Wilde as Isis, Chris Pine as Osiris, Charlize Theron as Lust, Matt Smith as Professor Cartel, Krysta Rodriguez as Female Loki, Kat Dennings as Female Dionysus, Cristin Milotti as Female Ares, Josh Duhamel as Male Lust, and Simon Pegg as the Newscaster, with Jeremy Renner as the Boss and James McAvoy as Afterlife.
    Music by: Michael Giacchino.
    Runtime: 138 min
    Format: Filmed entirely in IMAX 3D
    Tagline: Return to Exciting Worlds.

    Plot Summary: Fifty years after the original film, the Last Six reunite after a professor discovers a way to get back to their realms, but everything is not as it seems.


    The film opens during the events of “The Last Six.” Afterlife sends off his army of dead soldiers, and then turns to away. He looks around Arlington and tries to find the biggest tree there. Once he locates it, he sticks his hand into his decaying stomach and pulls out a heart. It is noticeable that this heart is not his own, but rather one he has been carrying inside of him for a long while. He puts the beating heart inside the tree, and comments that if he fails, he’ll have another chance at his new world order, for him and his wife.


    The film suddenly switches to 16:9 ratio for a BBC newscast. Footage of the finale of “The Last Six” is shown. The newscaster explains it has been fifty years since the heroes known collectively as the Last Six saved the world from utter destruction. After initial responses that the Six had been aligned with the being responsible for Washington D.C.’s near destruction, the world looked at them in a different way once they all helped with the clean-up. Over the first five years, they all ended up being major assets in the governments of the world. Dionysius allowed grape crops to come up in otherwise desolate countries. Ares stopped a few wars from breaking out. Loki saved endangered animals by transforming overabundant animals into the endangered species. Freyja implanted ideas of truly beautiful art into several humans. Isis brought about the cure for several illnesses. Osiris managed to keep population controlled without using unjust laws. All in all, the Last Six helped the world together. However, five years into their tenure on Earth, everything changed. A weapons-manufacturing dictator from the Middle East did not appreciate the Last Six’s era of peace, and thus, ordered a nuclear strike against their home island, which they had made for themselves. Of course, the Last Six survived as they are immortal, but they realizes things had to change: humans needed to have a protector from other human beings. Thus, the Last Six split up, and each took a continent to watch over. Ares had Africa, Dionysus had Europe, Freyja had North America, Loki had South America, Isis had Asia, and Osiris had Australia. the Last Six are greatly appreciated in these roles; however, thanks to the split, they are not nearly as public as they first were. The newscaster concludes his broadcast by saying the people of the Earth will be ever grateful of the Last Six.

    Down in the Burning Place, we see Afterlife wandering around in endless torment. He has been here for fifty years. Thankfully, being an omnipotent being makes him merely in pain, rather than dead. He screams out to the Boss, stating that he’ll rue putting him in here. Realizing quickly the Boss isn’t listening, he smiles, knowing that his wife will soon be out for revenge. Meanwhile at Arlington, we see the tree that Afterlife placed the heart in. It suddenly explodes and out walks Lust, a female deity wearing only a dress of black smoke. She looks around and smiles at the pathetic world. She quickly transforms into pure smoke and begins heading toward London, ready to enact her plan.

    In India, a sandstorm is taking place. Everyone has evacuated the streets except for one Indian boy who cannot find his way home. He begins choking on the sand, unable to get air, when Isis arrives. Isis uses her powers to give great health by clearing the boy’s throat. She then picks him up and flies him to his house. As the boy hugs his mother Isis smiles at her rescue. Meanwhile, in Australia, we see a man passed out in the dry outback. He is very near death thanks to dehydration. Osiris sees him on his patrol, and comes down to help him out. Touching the ground with his crook, he allows vegetation to grow and a spring to sprout. The man wakes up, and begins to drink and eat, while Osiris watches on. In Brazil, a gang fight is about to break out. As guns are raised against each other, Loki arrives to mediate, AKA tell them to stop. Naturally, no one really wants to listen to him, and one of the gang members draws their gun towards him and shoots. Loki teleports away and then duplicates himself with a gun in each hand. The gangs run away, deciding not to fight. Loki smiles, pleased with himself, and then gives a duplicate a high-five. In Kansas, a man is crying with his wife. A doctor has just informed them that they are not able to have cHidiren. Freyja, having a sixth sense for misfortunes such as these, arrives. She puts her hand over the woman’s belly, and a bright light shines. She turns to the man and says congratulations on their future baby, as her womb has been opened. In South Africa, a little kid runs away from some bullies. The bullies often beat him up day after day, and he is sick of it. He hides in an alley when Ares shows up. He asks the kid if he can fight, and the kid punches Ares. Ares doesn’t feel anything, but he chuckles. He then shoots a beam of light at the kid to amplify his natural physical power. When the bullies arrive, the kid fights back and easily wins. Finally, in London, a bus is going out of control. Right before they fall into the Thames though, a few grapevines prop up and stop the bus within its wheels. The bus is saved and Dionysus arrives to get his glory. A college student sees him and is in shock. After all, it’s one of the Last Six! He explains to Dionysus that his professor at Oxford (it is winter holiday) has been studying the Last Six since birth, and he always talks about the general neatness of the deities. Dionysus is intrigued; after all, for a guy with such a huge ego, who wouldn’t like a man who dedicated his life to studying him? Dionysus quickly enters the grapevine and travels through his complex network of underground vines around the world. He arrives in Dubai, near Isis’ place in the suburbs. As Isis arrives home, he surprises her, and Isis smiles, as she always loves seeing Dionysus. The two go in for a kiss, and then Dionysus tells her of the professor. Dionysus still think it’s so cool that there’s a guy who has been studying them, and Isis rolls her eyes in a loving way, thinking Dionysus’s overly huge ego is rather cute. Dionysus asks Isis if she’ll come with him to see the guy, since he knows that the professor would love seeing a third of the Last Six, and his reaction would be priceless. Isis agrees to come with, because, well, why not? Asia can survive without her for a few hours.

    In Oxford, we see Professor Cartel wake up in his apartment. It is late afternoon, but he’s just taking advantage of the holiday. His doorbell rings and as he goes to answer it, he wonders who it is. The answer to that question proves to be Dionysus and Isis, to which he faints. Isis scolds Dionysus, saying this was probably a bad idea, but Dionysus just giggles. Dionysus then promptly conjures up some wine for Cartel who takes a whiff of it, and then wakes up. Cartel stares at them in awe, and asks them to meet him at Oxford in an hour so they can have a proper talk. He then shoos them out the door, and slams the door behind them. Dionysus chuckles and Isis lightly punches him, saying it’s not nice. Dionysus kisses Isis. Meanwhile in the house, Cartel is freaking out. Two of the Last Six are meeting with him! This is the culmination of all his life’s work! Maybe... maybe he can show them the experiment. Cartel smiles, happy on his good fortune for once. He looks at his desk, seeing the letter of resignation he was drafting. He won’t need this job anymore definitely!

    An hour later, Cartel has his best suit on and is meeting with Dionysus and Isis in his laboratory. Cartel explains that he is the first professor of a new popular major titled Applicable Mythology. Applicable Mythology is a major that studies the events of the last fifty years in a literature context, and also in a philosophical context. Some in the major believe the Last Six all come from another planet, but the Professor prefers to go with his hypothesis: there are three other realms, all of which correspond with more classical mythology in Earth’s history. Isis confirms his hypothesis, stating she comes from Maat and Dionysus comes from Olympus. Cartel gives a little squeal of approval, and Dionysus rolls his eyes at this. Cartel then explains he’s been working on something with this hypothesis, and then he unveils a machine. Said machine looks a bit like a giant theremin, continuously changing colors. Dionysus asks what it is, and Cartel explains that by using an artifact from the seventh god from the Fight of D.C. (specifically, a hair of the Boss), he was able to reverse-engineer a portal to somewhere. He knows that his machine should be able to send them back to one of the mythological realms; he just needs an additional artifact to pinpoint a realm to visit. Isis doesn’t believe him, stating that all the realms have been destroyed, but Dionysus are a bit more open to the idea. Cartel explains that though the realms may have been destroyed, he does not believe they are no longer there. Rather, he tells of another hypothesis. The being of pure evil – Afterlife, Dionyus corrects Cartel. Right. Afterlife could not use his own superpowered method of destruction on Earth, but he attempted to destroy Earth by using nuclear missiles. Thus, he thinks the realms are still there, but instead are similarly in a state of a nuclear holocaust. Dionysus asks why they’d be interested in visiting ruined worlds, and Cartel says he might have found a way to restore the worlds.

    Cartel states he needs the other four gods here if he wants to continue telling them his idea. He doesn’t like repeating himself. Dionysus begins to argue, but Isis understands Cartel’s wishes and heads off to find the other four, dragging Dionysus along with her. As Cartel fixes up the place, black smoke enters the room and he begins coughing. He asks where this is coming from and the black smoke solidifies into Lust. Cartel asks who she is, and Lust answers with a kiss on the cheek. Cartel is instantly smitten, as it is Lust’s power to make any man fall in love with her. Cartel asks what he must do to help his beloved, and Lust smiles, turning into smoke and entering his clothing. We hear her ethereal voice state that she just must remain their little secret.

    We see Isis and Dionysus quickly gather up Osiris, Freyja, Loki, and Ares in a montage. As they choose to fly together to Oxford, they catch up on each other, which basically amounts to Dionysus showing off Isis. Dionysus asks Loki and Ares if they have found women of their own, and Ares rolls his eyes. Loki comments that he hasn’t found anyone besides himself, but himself is good enough for him. Dionysus asks what that means and Loki spawns a female version of himself who he promptly kisses. Everyone is weirded out. Meanwhile, Freyja and Isis are having small talk. Freyja teases Isis about Dionysus but Isis just gives a sly smile. Osiris asks Isis what she sees in Dionysus, and Isis comments that Dionysus is just a really fun guy compared her other immortal options. Osiris asks what about himself, and Isis replies that Earth’s world has different rules than Maat, and she has learned to adjust. It’d be best for Osiris to adjust too.

    They have arrived at Oxford, and Cartel is waiting for them. Despite being under Lust’s spell, it does not stop him from fanboying over the four new gods he is meeting. However, Ares is not easily impressed and asks Cartel why they are here. Dionysus decides to help out and makes some memory wine, allowing Osiris, Freyja, Loki, and Ares immediately up to date on what is going on. Ares asks how Cartel intends on restoring the worlds. Cartel answers that he has made a device, pulling out a large metal crook. This crook, along with four other identical crooks, if held by Osiris, god of death and life, should hypothetically allow restoration of a realm if it is placed in the absolute center of the realm. Osiris asks for more explanation. Cartel explains that the crooks are designed to use both human legend and knowledge from the Last Six to allow restructure of the broken worlds. After they are placed in the center of all four realms, they will allow immediately restore to the way they were the day before the Fight of D.C. Freyja asks what that would mean of those lost in the destruction, and Cartel states he does not know how the restoration will work, but it should be worth a shot. Loki asks for a minute in private, and Cartel, slightly miffed, leaves the room. Loki tells the other five that he does not trust Cartel. Dionysus looks at Loki like he’s crazy, and asks why. Loki states he doesn’t know why; there’s just something wrong with Cartel. Osiris states that he doesn’t see anything wrong with Cartel and his plan. Since he is the god of life along with death, he should be able to manipulate the crooks into restoration. Loki is apprehensive, but when its put to a vote, it is unanimous: the Last Six will return to their realms to try restore their homes.

    Cartel returns to the room. The Last Six tell him of their decision and he squeals in delight. Dionysus comments the squealing is getting annoying fast. Cartel explains that they must go in order of the destruction of the worlds in order for proper restoration, and basing off footage he had of the Fight of D.C., he presumed that, since Ares seemed like the Boss’s second-in-command, he managed to get the teleportation device hooked onto Olympus. Freyja asks what are they waiting for, and Cartel tells them all to put their hands on the machine. They do as the machine gets fired up and suddenly they all disappear – and then reappear in the desolate wasteland that used to be Athens, Olympus. Only a few buildings are standing, including the Parthenon. Nevertheless, Ares and Dionysus are in awe at returning home. However, we see Cartel falling to the ground in pain. There is still radiation here, quickly overpowering him. Isis runs over to him and grabs his head, giving health, and a shield from the radiation. Cartel, now fine, asks why the gods don’t need the protection. Isis explains that the only reason the other gods and goddesses here perished is the sheer force of Afterlife’s weapon; radiation does not affect immortal beings.

    Osiris takes the metal crook as Cartel explains that once the crook is properly placed, then they’ll be able to move onto the next realm. Osiris says he’ll have to go to Olympus’s underworld to place the crook. Loki volunteers to go with him, but Osiris snorts at the suggestion, saying he’d rather just go alone, quickly melting into the ground to head to the Underworld. Dionysus tells Isis he has something she wants to show her on the planet, and asks her to close her eyes. Isis complies and the two quickly fly away. Ares looks at Cartel and asks him if he has any interest in touring the Parthenon. Cartel squeals a yes, and Ares says he really needs to stop squealing. Loki and Freyja are left to protect the realm-hopping device, much to their boredom. We can see black smoke removing itself from Cartel’s clothing.

    In the Parthenon, Ares shows off many wings and hidden passages to Cartel. Cartel asks if Ares knew Athena, and Ares answers that yes, they were good friends. Ares did not have many friends on Olympus, being considered too brutal for most of them, but Athena, as the goddess of just warfare, was the one goddess who worked with Ares regularly. Cartel asks if the human legend of Athena being a virgin was accurate, and Ares looks at him like he is crazy. Of course that’s accurate! Cartel comments that the Parthenon looks quite a bit like the one on Earth, and Ares comments that he hasn’t visited there on purpose. Cartel asks why, and Ares answers with tears in his eyes that he was worried he’d never see the real  Parthenon again.

    Dionysus tells Isis to open her eyes. She sees an overgrown vineyard. Dionysus comments that even though Athens was the patron city-state for Athena, all gods had a home in major city-states and this was his. He pulls a grape off a vine and tastes it. He comments it’s a bit sour but still good. Isis takes a taste and she likes it too. Isis asks Dionysus what it’s like to see his ruined world, and Dionysus opens up, saying he doesn’t like how empty it is. He used to throw a party everyday filled to the brim, but now, the world is dead and he is alone in the universe. Isis says he has her, and Dionysus jumps on her as they start to passionately kiss.

    Meanwhile, Osiris has arrived in the Underworld. He comments that all he needs is a quick glance and he’ll know his way to the center. He travels through some caverns and finds a wide opening – the core of Olympus’ underworld. As he pulls out the crook, he sees some black smoke materialize. He pulls out his actual crook, ready to fight, but instead, all he sees Lust. He mistakes Lust as a surviving Olympian and asks her to come with him. Lust manipulates him, asking him when the last time any woman had interest in him was. He comments that no female has been interested in him since being on Maat. Lust asks what about the humans, and Osiris bitterly comments that he has always been the disliked of the Last Six, since those on Earth always believed him to be more of a god of death than of life. Lust asks him to kiss her, make it so they can love each other. Osiris catches on, saying this is really odd. Lust rolls her eyes and forcefully kisses him, making him under her command. Osiris asks what he can do, and she asks for the metal crook. Osiris hands her the crook, but before she uses it, she tells him to go up with the others, but not to mention her. As Osiris complies, Lust strikes the crook into the center of Olympus.

    There is a room full of bubbles, showing different places on Earth. It is obvious the room used to be full of four times as many bubbles, but alas, the loss of the realms caused the loss of the Boss’s portal. Suddenly though tons of bubbles pop up, showing Olympus in ruin. The Boss teleports into the room to note the phenomena, when he gasps. This is not impossible, at least not this soon.

    Loki and Freyja continue to wait around the transporting device. Loki asks Freyja what she hopes of Asgard. Freyja responds with a question, asking Loki if he remembers what they were doing when the Boss crossed into their lives. Loki tries to remember and smiles, saying she turned him to a boar. Freyja laughs, and reminisces on how simple times used to be. Freyja then tells Loki something important: before she turned Loki into a boar, she cast a powerful protection spell on her boar Hidisvini. Even though she isn’t a health goddess, she has wondered for fifty years if Hidisvini has survived the attack on the realm. Loki is cynical, but doesn’t say anything. Freyja asks him what he’ll be looking for in Asgard. Loki is somber and states he will look for forgiveness. Freyja tries to comfort Loki, but Loki won’t have any of it. Freyja asks why Loki needs forgiveness, but before Loki can answer, Ares has returned with Cartel. Isis and Dionysus fly in too, saying they saw Osiris on the way.

    Osiris arrives a few minutes later, with a trail of black smoke following him. He says the job is done, and the seven beings touch the portal device to send them onto to Asgard. Unlike Olympus, Asgard is very much alive; not with people though, but with plants. Dionysus sees the vines and says it is like a dream come true. Freyja tells Loki she knows Hidisvini would’ve survived in an environment like this and she runs off to find her boar. Loki comments that he needs to go pay his respects, and thus teleports away. Osiris asks Cartel where the center of Asgard would be, and Cartel states that hypothetically, Valhalla could serve center. Ares mutters that Cartel sure does a lot of things “hypothetically.” Dionysus yawns, and asks Isis if she wants to just go help Freyja with her boar. Isis is briefly conflicted, but says sure!

    Cartel leads Ares and Osiris to Valhalla where they see Loki sitting in the center of the hall. Cartel asks what’s going on, but Ares covers his mouth. Loki is staring off into space, blinking back tears. He apologizes to his father for being an awful son. This was his last hope; Valhalla, home of the dead warriors. He wished to see Odin and Thor again, but they’re gone. Loki apologizes for being a failure and he says he never truly wanted Asgard gone. He breaks down into tears and Ares goes up to give him a hug, but Loki pushes him away. Loki lashes out, asking what the Hel is point of saving the realms if everyone there is gone forever. Ares says he doesn’t know, and Loki looks at him, seeing he too is holding back tears. Ares states he has always had a hope of returning to Olympus and his old life, but after seeing the deadness of the Parthenon, he does not see it ever being the same, but they could have a chance to rebuild. Loki doesn’t believe him, but Osiris interrupts, saying they need to keep moving. Ares glares at him, but agrees. He asks Loki where the true center of Asgard would be. Loki pulls out his staff and hits the ground, opening a staircase… a Stairway directly to Hel.

    Dionysus and Isis catch up to Freyja who is in the woods hiding. Dionysus loudly says hello, but Freyja clamps her hand over his mouth, and points. Hidisvini is chewing on some vines. Isis asks why Freyja doesn’t just grab Hidisvini, and Freyja answers that she’s already tried that. The issue is that Hidisvini does not seem to recognize her. If Freyja could just touch his head, all memory of her should be able to return; unfortunately, that’s much easier said than done. Dionysus volunteers to help, and so does Isis. Dionysus tells Isis to just stand back, it’s time for a fun show with just Dionysus. Dionysus runs out and sends some vines around Hidisvini. Hidisvini immediately breaks through them and rams Dionysus back forty feet. Isis can’t help but laugh, and then tosses her staff with her Ankh on top into Hidisvini’s foot, pinning him completely to the ground. Dionysus asks how that worked, and Isis answers that the Ankh is enchanted to be near all-powerful itself. Dionysus rolls his eyes, but then Isis kisses him, telling him he’s funny when he’s thrown back forty feet. Meanwhile, Freyja puts her head against the pinned Hidisvini, who remembers her and begins licking her. Freyja smiles, saying she missed him too!

    Loki leads Cartel, Ares, and Osiris into Hel. Loki says if they just all hold onto him, he should be able to teleport them directly to the center of Hel, and thus, the center of Asgard. The four others comply and hold onto Loki. Teleportation occurs and they are in the center of Hel. Immediately, black smoke remove itself from Osiris’s clothing and Lust manifests. Lust looks at Loki and Ares and smiles, saying they both look like cuties. Loki and Ares immediately see through her guiles, and tell her in unison to f*ck off (Yay PG-13 f-bomb!) Isis shrugs, and says that could be arranged, and then sics Osiris and Cartel on them. Ares takes on Osiris as the two begin wrestling, and Loki attempts to distract Cartel, knowing that he, as a human, is naturally weaker and Loki does not want to kill a human. The fight lasts about three minutes until Osiris begins choking Ares. Lust explains that even though Ares is stronger, Osiris has more willpower, for what is a more strong emotion than lust? Loki sees what’s going to happen and teleports away. Lust kisses Ares, putting him under her control. Meanwhile, Loki lands on top of Hidisvini, which drives him mad with squealing. Freyja asks what Loki is doing and screams they need to get out of there now! Lust, in the center of Hel, grabs the metal crook and sticks in the center.

    In the Boss’s room, bubbles of Asgard appear. He takes a look into one of them, and sees Lust standing over the crook. His eyes widen in terror, and says he’s gonna have to do something he really did not want to do. He reaches into a bubble of the forest and pops it. Immediately, Loki, Dionysus, Isis, Freyja and Hidisvini are in the room, which quickly expands to make room for the five new passengers. The Boss welcomes the four gods to what his home would appear to be to lesser beings. Isis and Freyja bow to him, but Loki and Dionysus are annoyed. They ask him bluntly where he has been, and the Boss says he has a lot to explain.

    The Boss states if they remember correctly, he cannot interfere with the Last Six’s business regularly, because his own form of teleportation takes a lot of energy from himself. Lust and her minions land in Maat. The Boss explains that in order for the Great Prophecy to work out – Dionysus asks what the Great Prophecy is. The Boss answers that eventually, Afterlife must have a son that will eventually destroy all the realms that the Boss will be able to remake as one huge realm. The Boss says this is kinda like the Rapture as described in Christianity, but there are a few key differences. Loki is not interested in specifics, except for one- if the realms are recreated then, will all those dead return? The Boss says yes, everybody of any species will return to life in the events of the Great Prophecy. The Boss gets back to his main point: in order for the Great Prophecy to work out, Afterlife needs a wife to have children with. That’s where Lust comes in. However, Afterlife was well aware of the Great Prophecy, and thus has remained celibate with his wife, Lust. Afterlife always had a back-up plan for his desire to make the worlds his own. Lust and her minions quickly descend through Maat. Lust has been planting the crooks so that once she makes it to Earth, she can force Cartel to reverse the polarities on them, allowing all four realms to be destroyed beyond repair. Then, she will break Afterlife out of the Burning Place, and together they’ll remake the realms in their image. Lust throws the third crook into the center of Maat.

    Freyja asks what they can do. The Boss says first he has a gift for them. He quickly throws dust at Loki and Dionysus, and in a quick flash, they are turned into females. Loki laughs, asking how this’ll help them. The Boss explains that thanks to the archaic times when the Great Deities (aka the Boss, Afterlife, and Lust), Lust is only able to seduce members of the opposite gender. Dionysus begins freaking out, because she does not like being a woman. Isis rolls her eyes at her now girlfriend, telling her that Dionysus is not getting any kissing until this is done. Dionysus says that that makes it even worse. The Boss says he also has a gift for Freyja. He touches her head and Freyja asks what she has now. The Boss tells her to touch Dionysus’s neck. She does and Dionysus returns to his male form. He immediately kisses Isis, happy to be back to normal. Isis rolls her eyes and gives Freyja a wink. Freyja immediately turns Dionysus back to female much to his disappointment. Loki tells Dionysus being a female is fun; you can hit on a lot more people that way. Dionysus gives Loki the biggest glare in history. The Boss can’t help but grin at this, and he says that he has a gift for Dionysus too. He grabs her hands and embeds a circle pattern in the palms. Dionysus asks what this’ll do, and the Boss answers that since bubbles are in wine, she now has the power to throw portals to any of the five realms. The Boss comments that this is kinda cheating in the sense of it being related to wine but whatever. The Boss then says they’ll need to complete their mission ASAP, because the longer they hold these powers, the more the Boss will be weakened, and he has a feeling that regardless of how this goes, the Great Prophecy is coming sooner than later.

    Lust materializes in London along with Cartel, Osiris, and Ares. Ares asks how he can help his beloved, and Lust answers to just watch. Lust manages to remove several layers of smoke from into a huge black pillar which reaches up into the atmosphere. All around London, people look up into the sky and see the black smoke tower covering the land, when suddenly, the pillar attacks the Thames directly. A sinkhole forms in the Thames, and we see Big Ben crumble to the ground. The Boss sees the sinkhole in a bubble and then looks at the four goddesses in front of him, and he tells them he will visit them after their mission is complete. Isis asks what happens if they don’t complete their mission, and the Boss says that’s not an option as he sends the four to London. Meanwhile, Lust laughs, knowing that her plan is finally coming to fruition. She hands Osiris the metal crook and asks if she can trust him and Cartel with the final step. Osiris says he’ll do whatever he can to prove himself to his beloved. Lust smiles, seeing she has things under control, but then an explosion is heard, revealing the four goddesses.

    Lust grimaces and tells Osiris to wait before the other gods are under her control. She sends Ares to capture them. Dionysus and Isis see people falling in the sinkhole, and immediately get to work on rescuing the innocent humans in peril. Freyja tells Loki to help her capture Ares so they can turn him female, freeing him Lust’s control. Loki nods yes, and immediately teleports to fight Ares. Ares attempts to punch Loki, but Loki spam-teleports, saying he should never hit a girl. Ares grabs Loki, but Loki disappears in his arms, revealing it was an illusion. Dionysus throws multiple portals, quickly getting the hang of it. He throws several portals for Isis to quickly fly through and rescue those falling at different altitudes. Dionysus comments to herself that she could get used to this power. Loki then throws her staff at Ares, but Ares grabs it in the air, and flies to stab it through Loki. Loki screams now, and Freyja pops out of Loki’s disappearing illusion, and grabs Ares’ neck, quickly changing his gender. Ares is dazed, but asks where she is. Hearing her own voice, Ares freaks out, and Freyja apologizes, but says it was necessary to stop Lust. Ares asks what she’s talking about, and Dionysus and Isis fly back to Freyja and Loki. Loki says it’d be easier if Dionysus would help out. Dionysus rolls his eyes but makes his memory wine and hands it to Ares. Ares takes a sip, and then promptly says “Oh, Zeus, no.”

    Lust sees Ares’ turn and begins to freak out. She takes Cartel in one hand, saying he has to help her reverse the polarity down at the bottom. Lust then orders Osiris to fight the five goddesses. Osiris looks at Lust like she’s crazy, but has no way to say no to her demands. Osiris immediately raises all the water in Thames out of the sinkhole, and sends it toward London to flood it. Dionysus simply opens a portal to Maat that all the water enters and floods the endless desert. Loki high-fives Dionysus, but Dionysus purposely ignores her as the two save people from the disaster taking place. Isis flies up to Osiris and tells him to stop. Osiris says that Lust treated him much better than Isis ever did. Osiris screams at Isis, asking if she remembers Horus. Isis looks at him sadly, knowing this is Lust talking, not Osiris. Isis draws her staff with Ankh, and Osiris grabs his own crook, and the two have a fight using them.

    Meanwhile, Lust is holding Cartel hostage, warning Ares and Freyja if they come closer, she will kill the innocent professor. Freyja says she thinks Lust is bluffing, but Ares answers that she doesn’t know if they can risk that. Freyja has her own ideas, and tells it to Ares. Ares nods her head and shoots a beam of light at Freyja, amplifying her natural abilities. Meanwhile, Osiris quickly gets the advantage and holds his crook to Isis’s neck, asking for any last words. Freyja shoots out four beams out of her hands, returning Dionysus, Loki, and Ares back to male and transforming Lust into a male. Freyja quickly flies away and grabs Isis away from being anywhere close from Lust.

    Lust screams at himself, being disgusted by being male. Osiris is free from Lust’s spell, so he, along with Dionysus, Loki and Ares fly up to finish off Lust. Lust spits the four and then jumps down into the sinkhole, trying to get to the center of the Earth with the Professor to finish his job. Cartel screams in terror, no longer under Lust’s spell. Osiris says Lust is falling too fast to catch up, and Dionysus asks Ares for some nice amplifying too. Ares complies and shoots a beam of light at Dionysus. Dionysus then opens a portal under Lust and Cartel, opening their way into the Boss’s land. The Boss says hello to Lust, and Lust just snarls at him. The Boss is gracious and thus, turns Lust back into a female. The Boss asks Lust if she’ll take his mercy and Lust spits in his face. The Boss isn’t surprised at all, and says he was just asking to be polite. He then imprisons her in the Burning Place with Afterlife. Cartel is alone with the Boss, and Cartel immediately apologizes for all the wrong he did under Lust’s spell. The Boss forgives him, knowing it wasn’t his fault. The Boss then says that Cartel has a very important role to play in what he calls the “Endgame.” Cartel asks what that is, and the Boss says he’s already said too much, but he trusts Cartel to keep that job at Oxford. Cartel nods yes as the Boss sends him back with himself as an escort.

    Isis and Freyja regroup the other four, and Dionysus says it should be done. Osiris immediately walks up to Isis and apologizes. He shouldn’t have brought up Horus; they both know how great that loss hit them. Tears in both their eyes show that they forgive each other as they hug. Loki yawns, saying that was fun. Ares and Freyja talk it out with each other, as Ares says thank you for freeing him. Freyja blushes. A hint of romance? And speaking of romance, Dionysus stares at Isis and Osiris’s hug, tapping his feet. Isis gets out of the hug, telling Osiris she promised Dionysus something. With a painful smile, Osiris nods his approval as Isis runs to Dionysus and the two passionately kiss. A big light is seen and suddenly Cartel and the Boss appear. Osiris and Ares immediately bow to him, and the Boss says there’s no need for formalities. He calls for Freyja and Dionysus, and the two walk up to him. He touches Freyja’s head, removing her gender-bending ability. Dionysus asks if he really needs to give up the portal power, and the Boss smiles, saying he’ll let Dionysus keep it if Dionysus returns to being a female. Dionysus immediately gives the power up to the Boss, much to Isis’s giggling. The Boss says he owes them all a bit of an explanation. Yes, the metal crooks could’ve saved the realms, but it is not the proper time. Eventually, the old realms will repair themselves, such is the nature of harmony. That said, it all ties into the Great Prophecy, in which Lust and Afterlife’s child will come to Earth and destroy it horribly. The Last Six, and Cartel training his students, must prepare themselves for that fight whenever it comes. We see Lust and Afterlife reuniting and kissing each other passionately. The Boss states he fears that the time is coming very, very soon. The Boss then disappears, leaving the Last Six and Cartel to a ruined London. Loki asks now what, and Cartel looks at him like he’s crazy. Cartel says they have to clean up London, and Osiris agrees along with the other five. As they fix up London, Cartel voices-over that basing off what the Boss said, he expects that there’s going to be a new era sooner than any of them would like, but right now, the Last Six practically protect Earth. As they will never separate again, it has truly been a new DAWN OF THE LAST SIX.

    Theaters: 4,412
    MPAA Rating: PG-13 for intense fantasy violence, language, sensuality, and drinking
    Budget: $250 million 
    Previous Film Gross: 69.1/206.2/611.2 (OW/DOM/WW)

    Edited by Blankments
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    Sir Thymes Time 2
    Writer/Director: Chris McKay
    Writers/Producers: Phil Lord and Christopher Miller
    Genre: CGI Animation/Adventure/Comedy
    Date: June 14
    Studio: Blankments Productions
    Cast: Jack McBrayer as Sir Thymes, Robert Patrick as Yakkity Yak, Jeff Bridges as the Piano Man, Tina Fey as American Pie, Jane Lynch as Mrs. Robinson, Bill Hader as Sgt. Pepper, Bryan Cranston as Hound Dog, Emma Stone as Soul Sister, Justin Bartha as Paper Gangsta, Keifer Sutherland as Jack Flash, Ed Harris as Jude, Ian McKellan as the Wayward Son, with Brian Doyle-Murphy as Fonzie, Kristen Schaal as Lucy, and Michael Fassbender as the Man of Valor.
    Music by: Henry Jackman.
    Runtime: 99 min
    Format: Digital 3D and IMAX 3D
    Tagline: Into the digital age!

    Plot Summary: The jukebox is converted to digital music, but Sir Thymes sees something lurking underneath as the digital ringleader, the Piano Man seems to have ulterior motives.

    A man orders his food, and then goes to the jukebox to pick a song. He sees a song with an interesting title, “Sir Thymes Time,” and decides to pick it. The chorus to this original song begins playing, and we go inside the jukebox to see a dancing clock to this song’s beat. The song soon fades out to him narrating. He says that he is Sir Thymes, but they should know that already. He loves living inside the jukebox of Fonzie’s Diner with his friends. Thymes explains that he recently went on a journey to discover who wrote his song, and discovered that he has power over his own song. Thymes says he doesn’t like to use this power though, since it makes him feel a bit too special and awkward around his friends. He then starts re-introducing himself to his friends. There’s Yakkity Yak, a talking yak, who is the oldest character in the jukebox, and the only other novelty song who Thymes knows. American Pie, an attractive talking pie, has the honor of being the longest song Thymes knows. Mrs. Robinson, an old snooty lady, is generally the leader of the seven, since everyone is afraid to talk back to her. Sgt. Pepper is a man who often tries to find love and fails, so instead, he comes up with ideas for the group. There’s Hound Dog, who is sometimes the group pet, but is also the coolest member of the group. Soul Sister is a dancing sun, who is very, very relaxed. Finally, there’s the Paper Gangsta, a brittle hoodlum with a heart of gold. Thymes concludes his opening narration by saying that no matter what happens, he’ll stay with his friends forever... or so he thought.


    A little boy runs up to pick a song. Looking through them all, he picks “Yakkity Yak.” Inside the jukebox, the seven other song characters run out to watch Yakkity Yak do his classic dance. However, as the album plays, something odd begins to happen. The song skips all over the place, thanks to scratches. Yakkity Yak attempts to continue dancing to it, but unfortunately, the song is simply unreadable. The boy screams in anger and hits the jukebox. Inside, the song stops, and Yakkity Yak is tossed off the stage. Everyone runs up to help him, except for Soul Sister, who decides to look out the peephole. Yakkity Yak complains that it’s getting worse; with all the damage that Jesse’s Girl inflicted on the records, it’s amazing they lasted this long. American Pie scolds Yakkity Yak, telling him not to say that. Soul Sister looks out the peephole and sees the boy’s mother complaining to Fonzie. The woman says she doesn’t see the point of the jukebox anymore; now that the only song that plays without skips is “Sir Thymes Time,” which no one has ever heard of. Fonzie says he’s aware of the problem and has already ordered a JukeCloud to switch over completely to digital. Soul Sister gasps at this new news, as Fonzie says he plans on having it installed in the morning.

    That night, at the typical meeting, Soul Sister reports what she has heard. Sgt. Pepper flirts with her, telling her that’s the greatest story he’s ever heard, but Soul Sister will have none of it. Thymes says that maybe the digital transition will be easy, but Hound Dog laughs at that. Hound Dog actually doesn’t trust this “JukeCloud” at all, saying that going digital will send them into a world with so many other song characters, they won’t maintain their friendships. Mrs. Robinson calls him out on that, saying that there’s no way stuff like that’ll ever happen. The Paper Gangsta states they’ve all been through too much to have that happen to them. Thymes points out that there’s nothing they can do to change it, since there’s no way to contact Fonzie otherwise. The other song characters look at him glumly, but then Yakkity Yak tries to bring up everybody’s spirits by announcing a going-away party for the jukebox. Said party is thrown with an undercurrent of melancholy underneath.

    The next day, Fonzie comes in and removes the records one-by-one. We see the song characters enter into their records, merging with them in a frozen state. Fonzie then plugs in the JukeCloud and scans in each album, one by one. Concurrently, we see the song characters reappearing in a state of the art slick chrome universe. Ten times the size of the jukebox, the JukeCloud brings a touch screen interface and practically infinite song options. As Thymes is the last character to be completely scanned in, he soon discovers that he, along with the rest of the songs are in a waiting room; what some may call an “upload approval.” Fonzie presses “Yes,” and all eight song characters are instantly in the actual JukeCloud. Mrs. Robinson marvels at the fantastically huge area, but the Paper Gangsta notices that there doesn’t seem to be many song characters there. They hear a chuckle and turn around.

    A giant piano with arms and legs walk towards them, and introduces himself as the Piano Man. He is the keeper of the JukeCloud’s song characters, and Soul Sister asks where all the other song characters. Piano Man explains that they are all hiding, waiting for the newbies to be approved by him before they all meet them. Piano Man analyzes each one, one by one. He recognizes them by artist. Yakkity Yak by The Coasters. American Pie by Don McLean. Mrs. Robinson by Simon and Garfunkel. Sgt. Pepper by The Beatles. Hound Dog by Elvis Presley. Soul Sister by Train. Paper Gangsta by Lady Gaga. When he reaches Thymes though, he cannot recognize him. Piano Man lists several artists, all of which Thymes says no to. Piano Man asks who Thymes is by, and Thymes answers truthfully with “Sir Thymes.” He also then volunteers the information that he’s the only song ever that can write his own music since he is the only song by the band Sir Thymes.

    Piano Man laughs at him, saying autonomous songs are merely legend. Thymes, not knowing what autonomous, says he’s not lying, and the other song characters vouch for him. Piano Man merely chuckles, and says no matter what Thymes says he will not believe him. However, there is a way for Thymes to get in as what he calls an “independent song.” Thymes asks what it is, and Piano Man says he merely wants to find three new songs for the JukeCloud. He hands him a note, and then pushes him out the door. Piano Man says to follow the note and find the songs on his own. Thymes finds himself on something looking like a infinitesimally huge spider web, or rather, a World Wide Web. Thymes grumbles to himself, saying that the Piano Man doesn’t seem very nice, but then opens the envelope. He needs to find Jack Flash, a spy who likes to jump around; Jude, a peaceful hippie; and the Wayward Son, who Thymes already knows. Thymes narrates that he doesn’t really want to go on this quest, but he will since it’s necessary as far as he knows. He thinks about where he might’ve heard of Jack Flash, and we flash back to see Thymes looking out the peephole of the jukebox and seeing a kid play a video game like Guitar Hero playing “Jumpin’ Jack Flash.” Back on the Web, Thymes sees a video game website and decides to head towards it.

    Thymes enters the website and it is laid out like an arcade with various bits of data flying around. A man wearing sunglasses and a jumper walks up to Thymes and says hello, introducing himself as Jack Flash. Thymes comments that that was extremely easy. Jack Flash asks what he’s talking about, and Thymes explains, saying he’s here to take him to the JukeCloud. Jack Flash spits on the ground and tells Thymes never to mention the JukeCloud again. Thymes is confused but complies. Understanding the need to change the subject, he asks what the data flying around is. Jack Flash gruffly answers, saying they’re probably game characters or some video files. Flash explains that they’re essentially on a higher plane of existence than they are, so it’s impossible to tell for certain. Thymes is once again confused but doesn’t press on. Thymes asks if there’s ever anyone else here for Jack Flash, and Flash replies with a no.

    Thymes is a firm believer in the power of friendship, and thus, asks Jack Flash to come with him to meet some friends. Flash scoffs at Thymes, saying he has no plans on visiting with Piano Man. Thymes asks why but Flash doesn’t respond. Flash tells him he’ll make a deal. If Thymes can beat him in a video game, then Flash will go with him. Thymes asks what video game can they play, if characters are “on a different plane of existence.” Flash smiles, saying the kid is catching on, and then asks if he’s ever heard of “Pac-Man Fever.” The song plays as Flash and Thymes play two-player Pac-Man in a fun montage. Thymes kinda sucks while Flash is a champ. Thymes keeps on saying he’ll get better but after 43 games, Flash says he’ll go with Thymes, despite Thymes not winning a single game. Thymes asks why, and Jack Flash answers that Thymes has become rather endearing to him. Thymes decides this is a good thing, he guesses, as the two exit the video game website back into the World Wide Web.

    Back at the JukeCloud, the Piano Man lets the other songs inside... except for Soul Sister and the Paper Gangsta. After the other five are let, Piano Man mocks Soul Sister and the Paper Gangsta for their autotune, claiming that they are not real music like he is. Soul Sister begins crying since she is very emotionally weak and the Paper Gangsta glares at the Piano Man, but the Piano Man mocks his glare too. Hound Dog comes up to the Piano Man and asks him to stop. After all, Soul Sister and the Paper Gangsta are their friends too. Piano Man looks at Hound Dog enraged. How dare he tell the Piano Man what to do? He immediately grabs Hound Dog by the foot and grabs a thread of binary code from his foot. Hound Dog looks at it scared, and American Pie asks what it is. The Piano Man answers her queries with an explanation. They are all now simply lines of data, data that over the years, as one of the first downloaded songs ever, Piano Man has learned how to use properly. Yakkity Yak looks scared and asks what he is doing. Piano Man simply rips off half of Hound Dog’s coding and throws him to the ground, and Sgt. Pepper runs up to examine him. Hound Dog sits and stares blankly at Sgt. Pepper. Sgt. Pepper asks him if he’s okay, and Hound Dog replies with simply “I ain’t nothing but a hound dog, crying all the time.” Piano Man has wiped out his entire song, except for the chorus. The Piano Man then says he supposes he needs a few new full songs to make up for the glitchy Hound Dog and lets Soul Sister and the Paper Gangsta in. All the song characters look at him terrified as Hound Dog simply repeats his chorus over and over again.

    On the World Wide Web, Thymes says the next person he needs to find is some guy named Jude. Flash smiles, saying he knows where Jude is, quickly heading towards a beetle shaped site. Thymes and Jude enter the site which is shaped like a giant apple. Thymes asks where they are and Flash answers that it is a Beatles fansite. A diamond studded girl named Lucy runs up to them and welcomes them to Beatle-mania! Thymes giggles at the politeness and Lucy giggles back uber-obnoxiously. Flash just rolls his eyes and asks where they can find Jude. Lucy answers that Jude is with Sgt. Pepper right now, and Thymes gasps. After all, Sgt. Pepper is one of his best friends!

    Lucy takes Flash and Thymes to Jude and Sgt. Pepper, and Thymes asks Sgt. Pepper why he’s here instead of the JukeCloud and Sgt. Pepper looks at him confused. Jude says that he knows Sgt. Pepper has never seen in before, at least in this life. Thymes asks what Jude means. Jude explains that there are multiple versions of songs, obviously. That way, someone in China could listen to a song while someone in Chicago is falling asleep to the same song. Sgt. Pepper says that he can remember parallel lives if he tries hard enough, and then goes into deep thought. Sgt. Pepper then gives Thymes a high-five, saying he seems like a cool guy. Thymes says this is weird, and Flash explains that most song characters deal with parallel lives. Thymes says that since he’s the only copy of his song, that must explain why he doesn’t have any parallel lives. Jude gives a high-five for avoiding the potential “mind WHAT.” Thymes asks Jude if he wants to come with him to the JukeCloud, and Jude smiles, saying he has nothing better to do. Thymes goes “Yes!” and Flash rolls his eyes as the three leave Beatle-Mania.

    Meanwhile, at the JukeCloud, everyone is asleep… or at least pretending to be. Nevertheless, the Piano Man leaves the JukeCloud and heads for iTelevision, the video sharing site. He jumps into the search bar and sends “Piano Man remix.” He finds 20 remixes and one parody song. He drags the coding out himself one by one, making Piano Man clones of differing sizes and shapes. The Piano Man laughs maniacally. Back at the JukeCloud, there is an emergency meeting in private of the surviving songs. Yakkity Yak is freaking out, saying his song on loop is better than this “only chorus” thing with Hound Dog. Mrs. Robinson tells everyone they need to calm down; there’s no reason for Piano Man to do that to all of them. Sgt. Pepper says the only proper way is to counter attack, and American Pie asks how they can possibly counter attack against a character who can reduce them to nothing. Soul Sister and the Paper Gangsta hold each other; the two being the most terrified of what the Piano Man might do.

    While crossing the World Wide Web, Thymes asks Flash and Jude if they have any idea where they could possibly find the Wayward Son. Jude and Flash look at Thymes like he’s crazy and Jude tries to break the news calmly on Thymes, skirting around the issue. Thymes asks what he’s talking about, and Flash bursts out, saying that the Wayward Son is merely legend, and no one online has ever seen him. Thymes look at them in despair and then asks what should he do now. Jude says they should just go to the JukeCloud and explain the situation to the Piano Man. Flash says he’s never trusted the Piano Man, and Thymes asks why. Flash, blindsided by the question, does not have an answer. That settles it; Thymes leads the other two back to the JukeCloud, hoping that the Piano Man accepts his failure.

    As Thymes enters the JukeCloud, the Piano Man is waiting for him, or rather, Piano Men are waiting for him. The remixed versions of Piano Man are now the Piano Man’s army. Thymes asks what’s going on, and the Piano Man says he’ll show him in song. Set to, of course, “Piano Man” by Billy Joel, the Piano Man sings of how he has control of the JukeCloud and those who reside there’s coding. The Piano Men army pulls out the coding of Yakkity Yak, Mrs. Robinson, Sgt. Pepper, American Pie, Soul Sister, the Paper Gangsta, Jack Flash, and Jude, relegating merely to choruses. Thymes asks him why he’s doing this and the Piano Man answers that he was going out of style far too soon for being a slow paced song in the fast pop music world of today. Now, with all the other songs being merely choruses, he’ll be the only song chosen as he’ll be the only non-glitchy song. The Piano Men army run in to grab Thymes and the Piano Man grabs the coding of Thymes underneath his feet. However, the Piano Man cannot cut his coding thanks to Thymes being the only copy of his song, something Piano Man used to believe was a simple bluff. Thymes starts singing, “Sir Thymes Time got out of Piano Man’s clutches; saving his friends with thank you very muches!” but nothing happens. The Piano Man giggles and says that even Thymes cannot be corrupted, his singular song powers do not work with as a digital version of himself. The Piano Man orders his armies to take him away promptly.

    Thymes is thrown out in the World Wide Web to wander. Thymes simply doesn’t know what to do when suddenly he hears a PST. He heads over to where he heard said PST, a James Bond fansite. The Man of Valor is waiting there for him, and Thymes asks if he knows him. The Man of Valor answers that he felt a strong urge from one of his concurrent lives to take Thymes somewhere, and Thymes has no choice but to trust him. The Man of Valor leads him to a much smaller website than where Thymes had ever been before, the official website for the radio station WISE. There is simply a pool there, and the Man of Valor tells Thymes to jump in the pool, or rather, the live stream. Thymes, not having much else to do, complies. He quickly sheds numbers off his body in confusion and when he exits the pool, he sees the Wayward Son. He is in the Oldies Station of WISE.

    The Wayward Son welcomes Thymes back to his abode, and Thymes asks him what’s going on. The Wayward Son sighs, knowing that there is indeed no time for formalities. He then asks Thymes if he wishes to save his friends from their currently mindless state, to which Thymes answers with a resounding yes. The Wayward Son begins to explain that the JukeCloud simply cannot handle both destroy the wicked Piano Man and restoring his friends back to normal. However, if the old jukebox was restored at Fonzie’s with new, completely blank records, Thymes could burn the songs of his friends onto them using his singular powers and restoring his friends back to normal. Thymes says that it’s impossible to talk to Fonzie, or any human for that matter. The Wayward Son smiles, and says that even though Thymes has shedded his digitality in a way, he has now gained the capability to work both online and offline; meaning he can keep his powers in the JukeCloud if he went there now. Thymes asks why he doesn’t just go back and stop the Piano Man and the Wayward Son explains that even the singular song powers cannot fix his friends completely if their digital coding is lost; his friends must return to offline. Thymes asks how he can save them, and the Wayward Son says that he has the telephone wires’ way to Fonzie’s house. If Thymes can get into Fonzie’s computer through a power cord, he can digitally download himself to Fonzie’s MeMusic and thus his MePage. If Thymes consistently writes new verses to his song, he can talk to Fonzie through this method. Thymes asks if this has ever been done, and the Wayward Son admits that Thymes is the first ever singular song he has ever met. Thymes says he’s ready to try.

    Thymes makes his ways through the telephone wires, following a map the Wayward Son gave him. He enters the house, and quickly finds the wire the Wayward Son described as “the computer charger.” He enters the computer and sees the huge computer chip. He listens quickly for some music and manages to hear “Imagine” coming from a smaller chip inside the huge one. He steps in the smaller chip and finds himself inside the MeMusic. Lucky for Thymes, the MeMusic is currently syncing with Fonzie’s MePage and Thymes enters the sync, ready for first contact.

    Fonzie wakes up the next day and grabs his MePage for his morning jog. Putting it on shuffle, the first song playing turns out to be “Sir Thymes Time.” Fonzie stops running once he hears the opening bars, instantly confused on how that song managed to get on his MePage. Thymes begins speaking to Fonzie through song, telling him about how song characters work. He tells about the story of how his friends love Fonzie’s jukebox and how personally, if it weren’t for Fonzie, he wouldn’t be around. Fonzie says this is a lot to digest, and Thymes apologizes but there’s more that must be said. We see Fonzie running to the diner, simply saying “Yeah” or “Uh-huh” to several of Thymes’ statements. Thymes’ plan is going to be put in action.

    Fonzie gets in the diner and runs to the JukeCloud. He immediately heads to the back and unplugs the power cord. Unfortunately the JukeCloud remains running, and in fact, starts blaring “Piano Man.” Fonzie asks Thymes what to do, and Thymes says Fonzie needs to upload Thymes back onto the JukeCloud. Fonzie asks if he knows what he’s doing and Thymes says yes. Fonzie attaches his MePage to the JukeCloud and Thymes re-enters for the final fight. All of Thymes’ friends repeat their chorus in creepy dissonance as Thymes waits around for the Piano Man. The Piano Man comes, asking Thymes if he’s ready to be forgotten, and Thymes says no way. Thymes begins singing a new verse of “Sir Thymes Time” and the fight is on as Piano Man sics the Piano Men onto Thymes.

    Thymes continues to sing new verses, coming up with new ways to dispatch the Piano Men as the song goes on. Unfortunately, all creativity has a limit and Thymes is quickly reaching it. That said, he manages to dispatch all the Piano Men, but the one true Piano Man is ready for a real fight. The soundwaves of both songs attack each other as Thymes is slowly losing ground to the edge of the JukeCloud and the entrance to the World Wide Web. Outside, Fonzie can hear the music playing and Thymes being overpowered Piano Man. At a loss of what to do, Fonzie sees the Internet router is still plugged in his office. He runs and pulls the router. Instantly, the World Wide Web turns into a black hole. Thymes uses the last creativity he has in to sing an anchor into position for he and all the songs. Piano Man is not grateful and runs up to attack Thymes with the last verse of Piano Man. However, he trips over Thymes’ anchor and falls into the abyss of the World Wide Web. Thymes looks around at his confused, chorus-only friends and says there’s only one thing left to do.

    Later that day, Fonzie replugs in the jukebox, and Thymes takes all of his confused friends with him. After Fonzie has loaded the jukebox with ten blank records, Thymes remembers all the songs by heart though and he sings along with the respectable character to reburn their song to a new album. As Thymes sings with them, he gently reminds them of the verses, allowing them to remember their past self. An hour later, Thymes is almost done; he just has to burn himself to an album. Together, all ten song characters sing “Sir Thymes Time,” and Fonzie hears it smiling. Hound Dog says it’s only time for one thing. Mrs. Robinson asks what that is, and then Soul Sister giggles, and says a party for the new members of the jukebox, Jude and Jack Flash. As we see various character moments, including Mrs. Robinson flirting with Jack Flash, the film ends on a narration by Thymes, saying that whereas on his previous journey, when he had his friends for help, this one he had to do pretty much alone, and even though he’s happy he was able to save the day and make some new friends, – Jude, Jack Flash, and Fonzie – ultimately, he’s happiest now that they’re all safe. After all, times with friends is the one time Thymes treasures most of all. THE END.

    Theaters: 4,007
    MPAA Rating: PG for some crude humor.
    Budget: $120 million
    Previous Film Gross: 60.4/261.6/466.6

    Edited by Blankments
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    Into the DeadMain Genre: HorrorSub Genre: Thriller, ActionDirector: Frank DarabontDate: January 18Cast: Henry Cavill----Kyle Devon Bostick----Dominic Sebastion Stan----Chris Ryan Kwanten----SimonTheaters: 3,563Format: IMAX formatMPAA Rating: R for Excesive Gore/Violence and LanguageBudget: $50 millionOther Crew: Screenplay---Kevin Guireox Frank Darabont Cinemotographer---Amir Mokri Composer---Bear McCrearyStudio: LAger Running Time: 122 minutesPLOT

    BC Entertainment presents A Lager Studios productionWhite lightWe see a close up of an eye opening up. It blinks multiple times as we hear slow but heavy breathing. The camera then cuts to the face of our main protagonist, Kyle (Henry Cavill), his face is bloody and it appears his clothes are torn up. We follow him as he begins to stand up. Cutting to behind him, we watch as he walks slowly up the hill. Stoping at the top, the camera tracks up as we see a burning helicopter on an open field overlooking a burning urban city. We cut to the front of Kyle and see the horror and shock on his face of what he sees. In the distance he hears growling and gnarwls, not seen, and he begins to run. As he runs into the open area we see the silhouettes of four figures follow slowly behind him.Into The Dead24 hours earlierKyle is your average man living a normal life in his home city of Chicago. He wakes up after a long nap and gets out of his bed fixing himself a bowl of cereal. Not much is shown about his life other than pictures of him and someone hunting and at a shooting range, which are mostly on his refrigerator. It is clearly obvious though that his life isn't exactly the greatest. His apartment is not big and it is for the most part, messy.As he finishes eating, his phone rings. Picking it up, he hears that the caller is one of his closest friends, Simon (Ryan Kwanten). Learning from him of a rabid disease going around Mexico, Kyle asks why he is calling to begin with. Simon explains that the rabid disease is somehow able to make the people it infects stronger and are already mostly overtaking the U.S./Mexico passing area, making it possible to spread into the U.S. Kyle, not really taking it seriously, tells Simon that it'll be alright and it most likely will not make it to Chicago.Skip to twelve hours later.We see Kyle boarding up his doors/windows with heavy furniture and Iron blocks as the news telecasts on his TV. The news reporter explains that the disease has started to spread like wildfire across the United States and encourages the viewers watching to board up and arm themselves in the case of it reaching Chicago early. Outside, a rising fire in the distance is growing bigger and bigger by the moment. People are panicking and rushing around furiously to get home. All traffic comes to halt and massive thundering boom is heard in the distance. People outside of their cars look back and see two giant trucks, on fire, ramming through many of the cars in the middle of the road as a hoard of zombies is seen following behind. Panicking people begin running toward the city as many are over taken by the zombies.Back in the apartment, Kyle receives another call from Simon telling him to get out and take the highway out of Chicago into Indiana. The apartment then begins to shake and rumble as a large explosion is heard in the distance. Kyle unboards his window to see a large truck has rammed into a building right next to him and sees a large crowd of people screaming and running for their life as they are followed closely behind by the ever-growing group of zombies. Panicking, Kyle grabs all the belongings he can (and a pistol for safety) and heads out of his house, locking the door behind him. Kyle sprints as fast he can to his car and is able to start it and as quick as he can, drives out and heads to the nearest exit heading into Indiana. As he speeds up he notices a giant blockade blocking his way out made by the army. Stoping in his tracks, Kyle furiously leaves his car and proceeds to argue with the army me at the front of the giant wall. Explaining that he was a former member of the army and could be a valuable resource to them, showing his dogtag to prove it, they allow and hand him a gun and help block the way the way out of town. As he finnishes talking, another explosion blows up his car with a majority of his belongings in there and we see a group of zombies sprint towards the entrance. The army begins to open fire on the group but quickly stop as a, now, giant cluster of them now begin to appear out of the ever-growing fog. Continuing to fire upon the large crowd, Kyle suggests that they should fullback and cover more ground as the zombies begin to pentatrate the walls of the blockade.Falling back backfires on them as the zombies begin to gain spead in their walking, while some start to sprint after the running soldiers. Two of the running soldiers are tackled and bitten while they follow Kyle not too far behind. Kyle heads toward one of many helicopters available and jumps in one with three other soldiers and a pilot. Taking off just in the nick of time, Kyle sighs in relief. After a minute of talking with the soldiers about what is at stake, they discover a zombie hiding in the copilot seat (they believed he was originally asleep), biting the pilot causing the helicopter to jerk around in circles. Although Kyle is able to shoot the zombie before it can bite anyone else, it circles too close to ground for them to pull up in time causing Kyke to fall out of the chopper and the plane to crash to the ground, causing Kyke to black out.In the present.Kyle continues to run across the same field as the one shown in the beginning. Stopping, he discovers the wreckage of his helicopter and finds all but one the soldiers he was with has survived the initial crash. Introducing himself, he learns the name of the soldier, Chris (Sebastion Stan), and finds he has a fractured ankle and multiple second-degree burns on his arms as well. Kyle is able to help him up and slowly make their way across the field onto a highway. Noticing a bunch of zombies spreading out among the road, Chris takes out a gun and begins to fire at them, killing a couple and permanently disarming many. As they continue on foot to find a functioning car, they come across a broken down Surburban and are able to successfully start the engine up. Receiving another call from Simon, telling Kyle to meet up with him in Buffalo, New York saying that he has a bunker in which they can hide out in from any impending attacks. As they are finishing up their conversation on phone, Chris yells at Kyle to swerve to the side as he hears a man yelling for help not too far behind. Stopping, Kyle exits the car and hears the cries for help. For a couple of seconds, the cries stop. Then out of the fog, pops out a man whom collapses to the ground in exhaustion. Taking pity, Kyle helps him into the back seat of the vehicle as he sees a hoard of zombies following not too far behind. They begin to drive off.Learning the man's name, Dominic (Devon Bostick), they try to set their GPS to the address given to them by Simon but the map appears to not be functional. In learning of that, they pull out a dusty, old map showing them the route to Buffalo, New York. Deciding to take the fastest route to the city, they continue through Indiana and Ohio eventually making a pit stop at Cincinatti to fill up gas and rebandage Kyle's singed ankle and mend Chris's broken leg and singed arms. While there, Dominic notices a trail of blood leading into the employes only area. Curious, he calls over Kyle, who has banged up his injury along with Chris's severe injuries. Knowing the possibility of a zombie jumping them, they move in cautiously watching for movement. While searching, Kyle comes across dead corpses of the employes. Confused as to the reason they are all dead and seeing no signs of a zombie attack (the store looked nice and clean compared to many other stores they passed), he decides to examine closer and notices the dead corpse's jugular vein and the skin around it having a unnatural look to it. The veins also have a very weird look as they seem to pop out farther of the skin than naturally possible. Taking a closer look, the veins are much brighter and noticeable than they were a minute ago. Kyle tells Dominic to go out and start the car back up and that he'll be out momentarily. While in the middle of his sentence, the seemingly dead people begin to thrash around violently startling the two and both begin to make a mad dash to to the vehicle before noticing Chris has disappeared.Confused, Kyle and Dominic call out and frantically search around for Chris wanting to get out the area as fast as they can before another hoard of zombies come and or the zombies inside the gas station follow them out. Searching for signs of blood, Dominic notices a barely visible blood trail leading to the back of the station leading into a large cornfield. Annoyed by this, both men follow the trail and jump back in freight when they Chris's severed foot laying on the ground. Closer examination shows them that it must have been bitten off leading them to believe that he must have been found by a group of zombies while they were gone. In anger, Kyle punches the wall multiple times and curses himself for letting this happen. Dominic notices rustling in the cornfield ahead and runs ahead with Kyle behind. Before they can get far though, Dominic is pulled down by an unknown force and dragged farther into the cornfield. Kyle tries his best and with all of his strength to pull Dominic back but he is unable to and watches helplessly as Dominic, in agony and freight, is feasted upon by the zombies. Knowing his potential fate, Kyle runs back to the car only to see a gigantic group of zombies loitering around the car. Helpless and not knowing what to do, the only thing he can do is run. And without looking back he makes a mad dash up the road.Only a couple of hours later, Kyle comes across an abandoned bicycle and rides it for 8 hours straight in silence only to stop to rest a few times. We can see on Kyle's face that he feels guilty for what happened to Chris and Dominic and we see small tears stream down his face and into the breeze evaporating into thin air. Now realizing that he has no idea where he is going, Kyle stops to sit for a minute and examines his map closely. Believing he may have crossed into Ohio not to long back, he decides to continue along the road wanting to see where it may lead him to. A couple of hours later, more mist begins to devour any lighting along the path of the way. Exhausted and traumitized, Kyle decides to lay down along a nearby ditch and takes a short nap there. Hours later, Kyle is awoken by the sound of loud grunting and yelling. Slowly lifting his head up he sees a large mass of zombies walking in the direction he was heading earlier. Curious, he watches them more closely and notices much of their body is glowing a bright light colored blue glow. He notices the zombies look almost hypnotized in a way and deduces that a possible reason may be that since most of the west and Midwest have mostly been infected that all the zombies may be in pursuit of all of the living on the east coast. In awe of the idea, Kyle remembers his cellphone tucked away in a pouch in the front of his pants. Ignoring the cracked screen, he sees he has eighteen missed calls, all from Simon, and a couple of texts from a couple of other people he knew. Kyle is successful in calling Simon and tells him what has happened and informs him of the oncoming danger coming his way. Simon tells Kyle that almost all of the cities have set up blockcades around their parameters and that him and his colleagues are all trying their hardest to deduce what started the outbreak. Before Kyle can respond, he hears a massive explosion ahead of him. Simon asks what happens but before Kyle is able to tell him he is tackled to the ground by a zombie dropping his phone and shattering the screen. Kyle lands several punches at the zombies right temple and knocks it down. He begins to furiously smash the zombies head with his foot and causes the head to crack. Kyle picks up his phone and finds the screen completely cracked and unusable. Angry, Kyle picks up his bike and begins to pedal speedily down the road ignoring all the zombies in pursuit.Meanwhile in New York, Simon is watching the news and sees that almost half of the U.S. has now been infected and only New England and all states along the Atlantic are mostly left and a select few towns in California. Fearing for his safety, he tells his co-workers to board up their lab for him and to arm themselves as the zombies are preparing to eradicate them all.Kyle is shown furiously pedaling past zombies. As the zombies take interest in him they begin to pick up spead and follow him close behind. Before Kyle knows it, he has arrived in a small town and yells to see if anyone will help him. Not seeing anyone, he continues along his path but eventually stops after seeing the tires on the bike have worn off. Cursing at the top of his lungs, he sees ahead a blockade approaching it he climbs over it and takes shelter in a store. He watches as the zombies climb over and begin sprinting ahead. As he gets up to head back farther into the store, he is spotted by a few zombies outside. They pound on the window and eventually break through the glass. Helpless and afraid, Kyle fights off the zombies but is swarmed by the masses of them all and cannot hold them off any longer. Kyle falls to the floor in pure exhaustion and feels paralyzed as the zombies swarm in on him and begin to feed on him. We see through his eyes as time begins to slow down and eventually, his vision turns to white.Many hours later, in New York, we see large amounts of people crowding the streets in mass confusion and panic. In Times Square, we see a news broadcast showing the zombies on the Golden Gate Bridge attacking helpless citizens and eventually we see the bridge collapse into the water bellow. Mass amounts of people begin to panic and cause a ruckus. Police attempt to calm down the afraid citizens but are stopped in the middle of their announcement when another large explosion is heard in the distance and a large amount of new people flooding in panicking causing an uproar and complete chaos in the streets. A large airial shot shows in the distance the large group of zombies now running at an unimaginable speed towards the city and mass amounts of them already flooding in.Cutting to Simon, we see he has completely boarded up his building with his coworkers and a shotgun in hand. He asks his colleagues if they are ready to face the Apacolypse. One of them replies, "Are you?" Smiling, he tells them it is time to rock n' roll out of the building. We cut back to Times Square as we see many being tackled to the ground and being feasted upon. We also cut to many of the people running towards the nearest water source available and stop realizing they are trapped. Many desperate people, jump into the water below rather to drown than to be eaten alive. In the distance we see more and more zombies piling up and attacking many fleeing citizens. We see Simon and his group emerge from their building, some with flamethrowers and some with shotguns. We see them fight off the zombie hoards as best as they can as they fight furiously but are eventually swarmed by the zombies and join the hoard.(Johann Johansson's "The Skies Gone Dim" plays in this scene) Many of the trapped people are shown being brutally eaten alive by the zombies, many also jumping for their lives into the water below. As we see the last human tackled to the ground, a panning shot shows all of the zombies looking out into the distance pondering what to do. After a minute or so, one finally jumps in and the camera follows the creature sinking to the bottom. We see a shot of his face and its mouth closing shut. The zombie lands on the bottom and persistently leads on. We see many of the other zombies follow behind. We cut to a shot above the hoard of all the zombies jumping in.The next scene takes place a couple days later in London, England. We see a beautiful shot looking over the city. We cut to inside a restaurant and are shown a crowd of people around a bar watching the BBC News. The news report explains that the U.S. government has fallen and nothing but a baron wasteland remains. The news reporter also explains that many the zombies have mysteriously disapeared but some have managed to escape into Canada and Mexico. A man laughs at this. Another person turns to ask him what's so funny. The man says that there is no possible way that the zombies are going to be able to reach Europe as he does not believe that zombies could find a way to get over to the continent as they would most likely not survive in water.We cut to underwater as we see a tiny fish swimming around as it suddenly is stomped on by a foot. As we pan up, we see that the zombie is in fact Chris as we see him hobbling on his right leg along with zombie Dominic as they make their way along the ocean floor. We cut to behind the large mass as we pan up out of the water to see them slowly elevating up towards a beach in Paris, France.End Credits song- "Powerless" by Linkin Park

    Edited by Rorschach
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    I Am Malala


    Director: Ken Burns

    Composer: Force Theory

    Genre: Documentary

    Date: April 5

    Studio: Redlight Films

    Format: Documentary, 2D

    Budget: $4 million

    Theaters: 1,943

    MPAA Rating: PG-13 for some intense thematic material and language

    Running Time: 88 minutes

    Tagline: The Story of One Girl Who Fought for Women



    James Spader as the narrator

    Malala Yousafzai as Herself




    Pakastani girl Malala Yousafzai became a world figure in October of 2012 when she was shot in the forehead by Taliban insurgents, only because she wanted to go to school like Pakistani boys. Her story began in 2008 when Aamer Ahmed Khan of the BBC Urdu website wanted to cover the Taliban's growing influence in the Swat District, a valley near the Afghan-Pakistan boundary, in a unique and interesting way; why not find a schoolgirl to blog about her daily experiences there? At the time, Taliban militants led by Maulana Fazlullah were taking over the Swat Valley, and setting various laws against television, music, girls’ education, and women from going shopping. Violence was abroad all over the valley. Finding a schoolgirl was very hard, due to the parent's fear of Taliban reprisals. Eventually, they found Malala, the daughter of local school teacher Ziaduddin Yousafzai.


    Malala's first entry was posted to the BBC Urdu blog on January 3, 2009, under the pseudonym Gui Makai ("cornflower" in Urdu). Just 12 days later, the Taliban made another law that girls could not attend school anymore after January 15. During the month of February, things were quite quite, and Malala herself has described that time period as eerie. Thankfully, the girls-only schools reopened on February 25, 2009, and Malala could attend school again. But now, violence against her family had begun. After Yousafazi criticized the Taliban's actions, he received death threats by Taliban commanders. This set a new goal in Malala's heart; to become a political activist.


    Malala started appearing on television to advocate women's rights for education in Arab World countries, and the world followed her all the way. She was nominated the International Children's Peace Prize by Archbishop Desmond Tutu in October 2011, and won Pakistan's first National Youth Peace Prize two months later. But as Yousafzai became more recognized, the dangers facing her became more acute. Death threats against her were published in newspapers and slipped under her door. On Facebook, where she was an active user, she began to receive threats and fake profiles were created under her name. When none of this worked, a Taliban spokesman says they were "forced" to act. In a meeting held in the summer of 2012, Taliban leaders unanimously agreed to kill her.


    On October 9, 2012, a Taliban gunman shot Yousafzai as she rode home on a bus after taking an exam in Pakistan’s Swat Valley. The masked gunman shouted "Which one of you is Malala? Speak up, otherwise I will shoot you all", and, on her being identified, shot at her. She was hit with one bullet, which went through her head, neck, and ended in her shoulder. Two other girls were also wounded in the shooting: Kainat Riaz and Shazia Ramzan, both of whom were stable enough to speak to reporters and provide details of the attack. Malala was transported to a miltary hospital in Peshawar, and thanks to offers to treat her from around the world, Malala fully recovered.


    Now, Malala's story of survival, courage and her defense of a basic human right has earned her praise and recognition from around the world. Famous people like Madonna and Angelina Jolie have supported Malala every step of the way, along with world leaders from around the Earth. Now, thanks to Malala's activism and fight for women's rights, the world looks safer for Pakistani women every day.

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    American Idiot

    Director: Samuel Bayer

    Composer: Green Day

    Genre: Rock musical

    Date: May 31- June 2

    Studio: Guernica Studios

    Format: 2D

    Budget: $65 million

    Theaters: 3,666

    MPAA Rating: PG-13

    Running Time: 113 min


    Paul Dano as Will

    Rory Culkin as Johnny

    Emma Watson as Heather

    Logan Lerman as Tunny

    Hilary Duff as Whatshername


    Set in the recent past, the musical opens on a group of suburban youths living unhappily in "Jingletown, USA" and saturated with TV. Fed up with the state of the union, the company explodes in frustration ("American Idiot"). One of the youths, Johnny (Dano), goes to commiserate with his friend Will (Culkin) ("Jesus of Suburbia"). A third friend, Tunny (Lerman), joins the two and they party until they run out of beer, prompting them to pick up more at the local 7-Eleven.

    Tunny soon exposes the do-nothing go-nowhere quicksand of their lives ("City of the Damned"). They get riled up, and Johnny challenges his friends to engage ("I Don't Care"). Will's girlfriend, Heather (Watson), soon makes an appearance. She is pregnant and doesn't know what to do ("Dearly Beloved"). Johnny borrows money and buys bus tickets to the city for the three young men, eager to escape suburbia. Before the boys are able to leave, Heather tells Will of her pregnancy. With no other choice, he stays home ("Tales of Another Broken Home"). Johnny and Tunny depart for the city with a group of other jaded youths ("Holiday").

    While Johnny wanders the city and pines for a woman he sees in an apartment window ("Boulevard of Broken Dreams"), Tunny finds it hard to adjust to urban life and is seduced by a television ad for the army ("Favorite Son"). Tunny realizes that his generation has been so numbed and apathetic that nothing, not even the bright lights of the city, will excite him ("Are We the Waiting"). He enlists in the army.

    A frustrated Johnny encounters a rebellious, drug dealer called St. Jimmy, and shoots heroin for the first time ("St. Jimmy"). Back in Jingletown, Will sits on the couch as his girlfriend's pregnancy progresses. He drinks beer and begs for a release. Meanwhile, Tunny is deployed to a war zone, and is soon shot and wounded ("Give Me Novacaine").

    Johnny spends the night with the girl (Duff), he saw in the window, whom he calls "Whatsername". Johnny is smitten with Whatsername and wants to celebrate, but St. Jimmy has other plans for them ("Last of the American Girls/She's a Rebel"). Johnny and Whatsername go to a club, shoot drugs together, and have passionate sex. By this time, Will and Heather's baby girl has been born, and Will is increasingly oblivious as Heather tenderly commits herself to her baby's future ("Last Night on Earth").

    Heather has had enough of Will's pot-and-alcohol-fueled apathy. Despite Will's protestations, she takes the baby and walks out ("Too Much, Too Soon"). Around the same time, lying in a bed in an army hospital ("Before the Lobotomy"), Tunny falls victim to the hopelessness he has seen during wartime and hallucinates. He and his nurse engage in a balletic aerial dance ("Extraordinary Girl"). He quickly falls in love with her. His hallucination disappears, and he's left with his fellow soldiers in agony ("Before the Lobotomy (Reprise)").

    Back in the city, Johnny reveals the depth of his love for Whatsername as she sleeps ("When It's Time"). The temptation of drugs, however, is too great; Jimmy forces Johnny to become increasingly erratic, and he eventually threatens Whatsername (and then himself) with a knife ("Know Your Enemy"). Whatsername attempts to talk about Johnny's behavior, while the Extraordinary Girl dresses Tunny's wounds and Will sits on the couch, once again alone ("21 Guns"). Johnny leaves a note for Whatsername, saying he has chosen Jimmy and drugs over her. Frightened and fed up, Whatsername tells Johnny that he is not the "Jesus of Suburbia" and reveals that St. Jimmy is nothing more than "a figment of [his] father's rage and [his] mother's love" ("Letterbomb"). She leaves him.

    Hurt by Whatsername's departure, Johnny longs for better days ahead, Tunny longs for home, and Will longs for all the things he's lost ("Wake Me Up When September Ends"). St. Jimmy appears and makes one last attempt to get Johnny's attention, but that part of Johnny has died, resulting in the metaphorical suicide of St. Jimmy ("The Death of St. Jimmy"). Johnny cleans up and gets a desk job but soon realizes there is no place for him in the city ("East 12th Street"). Will, all alone with his television, bemoans his outcast state ("Nobody Likes You"). As he finally gets up off the couch, Heather appears with her new show-off rockstar boyfriend ("Rock and Roll Girlfriend"). Will heads to the 7-Eleven to get away from them and, surprisingly, finds Johnny there. Johnny had sold his guitar for a bus ticket home. Tunny returns from the war zone (as an amputee) with the Extraordinary Girl. As Tunny introduces his friends to the Extraordinary Girl, Johnny becomes furious with him for leaving the group, but quickly forgives him and the three friends embrace. Heather and her boyfriend arrive. In an uneasy truce, she gives the baby to Will. Other friends show up to greet the three men they haven't seen in a year ("We're Coming Home Again"). One year later, Johnny laments that he lost the love of his life, but he accepts that he can live inside the struggle between rage and love that has defined his life. With this acceptance comes the possibility of hope ("Whatsername").

    In the end the three friends meet up in a bar for beers and they perform the song "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)".

    Edited by Alfredstellar
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    Tyrant III: The Final Chapter


    Director: David Cronenberg

    Composer: Howard Shore

    Genre: Horror

    Date: June 7

    Studio: Alpha Pictures

    Format: Live-action, 2D and 3D

    Budget: $25 million

    Theaters: 3,451

    MPAA Rating: R for some graphic violence and language

    Running Time: 91 minutes

    Tagline: The Terrifying Conclusion / The Truth Is Always Out There



    Dakota Goyo as Max Dells

    Renee Zellweger as Sandra Dells

    Mark Wahlberg as Alexander Dells


    Plot: After keeping his town in grip for his entire childhood, the entire town revolts against now-teenager Max Dells.


    Franchise Grosses (OW/DOM/WW):

    Tyrant: $31.6M/$70M/$105.3M

    Tyrant 2: The Inspector: $18.2M/$37.8M/$74.2M

    Edited by Alpha
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    I've pushed subway surfers to 14 June and taken untitled horror movie off the schedule

    You sure, going up against two major blockbusters? That's basically locking a bomb in place right there.I'd go for June 21st. It's safe to assume Riczhang might release his 39 Clues movie, but even then, the 21st has an R-rated comedy, and that's it.Or you could just retreat to a later date in the third quarter, Pretty much everything is jampacked this quarter already, so maybe release it in a quieter month like August where it'll do well in it's own right.You don't have to take my advice, I just don't wanna see Subway Surfers open to $10 million because it opened against Sir Thymes Time 2 and Fate Stay Night.
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    Ironically, I was planning on putting a new big blockbuster on that date. Thanks for clearing the spot, Alpha. Admittedly, it may be a rush to get this done in time but Overdrive and Fate Stay Night are all but finished so I doubt I'll have too much trouble.


    Also increase the theatre counts for Overdrive and Fate Stay Night to 3967 and 3882 respectively.


    Director: Nicholas Meyer
    Genre: Sci-Fi

    Date: May 31
    Cast: Clive Owen (John 'Black Jack' Geary), Imogen Poots (Captain Tanya Desjani), Catherine Zeta-Jones (Co-President Rione), Brendan Gleeson (Captain Duellos), Frank Grillo (Captain Numos), Jane Lynch (Colonel Campbell)



    Note: The visual effects team behind this movie have chose to go for a different stylistic route when it comes to the space battles than usual. Thus, instead of ships exploding everywhere when destroyed, they're more likely to break up into Gravity-esque debris, like they probably would in real life. There still will be the occasional explosions when pockets of oxygen in the ship are ignited (like if a ship is being set to self-destruct), but it'll mostly be debris centred. Should look damn impressive in 3D or IMAX. 


    The film takes place in the far distant future. Alliance Commander John ‘Black Jack’ Geary (although he hates that nickname) is commanding his ship, the Malon, along with several others as they help escort a large group of auxiliary (supply) ships across a star system bordering Syndicate territory. The Syndicate (or Syndic for short) is a totalitarian empire bordering the more democratic Alliance. Several of Geary’s crew are nervous of a Syndic attack but he assures them there won’t be any trouble. While tensions between the Alliance and the Syndicate are high, neither is willing to make a move as they’re too evenly matched. However, he soon proven wrong as a huge Syndicate Invasion fleet jumps into the system. Realising that if the Syndicate destroys the auxiliaries, the Alliance will be struck a large blow, Geary orders his ships to confront the far superior Syndic force in the hope of buying time for the auxiliaries to escape. The opening is interspersed with clips from a propaganda movie saying how ‘on the day the cowardly Syndics attacked, a true legend of the Alliance was born.’ With the Syndicate fleet being too prepared for any tactical manoeuvres, Geary orders his ships to attack the Syndics head on in the hope of surprising them and breaking their formation and leaving them momentarily vulnerable. He himself is not happy with the plan, calling it foolhardy, but it may be their only chance. The propaganda film explains how Black Jack Geary heroically charged the Syndics and scattered them with his great fighting spirit. Back in reality, Geary’s plan has worked, the Syndics have broken up and Geary’s ships are able to do serious damage to the fleet. However, they soon become overwhelmed by the Syndic’s superior numbers and firepower, several ships being destroyed. Malon takes several hits, knocking out the propulsion system and all but a few weapons. Left with no choice, Geary orders the evacuation of his crew and the crew of any surviving ships via escape pod (which freeze the target in stasis while sending out a signal to passing ships). However, Geary chooses to stay behind to operate the weapons and to try and detonate the power core, self-destructing the ships. The propaganda film claims Geary made his last stand alone but, in actuality, a young lieutenant stays behind to assist him. However, she is killed when a section of the bridge collapses. With the last of the weapons now knocked out, Geary sets the power core to overload and makes a desperate dash to the final escape pod, the ship collapsing around him. He manages to make it, but the door is jammed by debris. Geary desperately tries to clear it just as the ship explodes, leaving his fate uncertain. However, as the camera floats through the Malon’s wreckage, we see Geary’s escape pod peacefully floating away as the propaganda film states how many believe that one day, Black Jack Geary shall return at the darkest hour of the Alliance and lead the fleet to victory…


    We cut to Geary waking with a start in a comfortable, furnished room. He sits on his bed a short while, trying to get his bearings. As he does, we becomes aware of the sound of shouting and shuddering outside his room. We also hear a comm sat by his bed buzzing. Geary answers it only to hear that ‘Admiral Bloch needs him on the bridge immediately’. Geary says he’ll be down as soon as he can and goes to get changed into his Alliance Uniform. We flash back to Geary being woken from his escape pod, panicked and sweaty to the sounds of disbelieving onlookers. He asks where he is. He’s told he’s on the Dauntless, the flagship of the Alliance fleet. Geary doesn’t recognise the name and asks how long he’s been out. The doctors are unwilling to tell him. When he asks again, one of them tells him that the signalling device on his escape pod was damaged and that he was incredibly lucky to be found. He asks a third time how long he’s been out. The doctor tells Geary that he has been in stasis for 102 years. After getting changed, Geary walks down the ship’s corridors towards the bridged. It is obvious the ship he’s in has taken damage. Panicked crewmembers scurry around him trying desperately to fix everything. However, all the crew Geary passes give him a look of awe, much to his discomfort. We cut to Geary, having just been woken, meeting with Admiral Bloch, the commander of the fleet. Bloch explains that the war between the Alliance and the Syndics, started when Geary fought the invasion fleet, is raging today with both groups caught in and endless stalemate. The star system Geary battled the Syndics in took heavy damage in the war and became mostly abandoned hence why, when his escape pod signal wasn’t detected, Geary was assumed dead. It was pure luck that a large alliance fleet, on their way to a major attack on the Syndics, just happened to pass through and find him. Bloch also reveals that Captain ‘Black Jack Geary’ (Geary was promoted posthumously) has become a nigh-legendary figure among the Alliance fleet (thanks in part to a major Alliance propaganda campaign centred around his heroic sacrifice) and that nearly every ship captain aims to become as great an officer as Black Jack Geary, his heroic valour an inspiration to them all. Geary is heavily uncomfortable with this praise, believing no man could possibly live up to that standard, especially not him.


    Geary arrives at the bridge where Admiral Bloch is waiting along with the Captain of the Dauntless (the ship they’re currently on), Tanya Desjani. It is revealed that the Alliance fleet was caught in an ambush and has been mostly wiped out with only a couple of hundred spaceworthy ships remaining, most of which have been damaged in some way. Bloch reveals that, as part of negotiations to spare the rest of the fleet, he and several other officers have been ordered to go to the Syndic flagship via shuttle. While Bloch is gone, he is leaving Geary in charge of the fleet. Geary immediately objects to this, pointing out that he’s been kept out of the loop for over 100 years. Bloch reassures him that nothing is likely to happen until the negotiations are done and that, if he has any queries, he can ask Captain Desjani. Geary is uncomfortable with this as Desjani obviously idolises him (or at least the legendary Black Jack Geary). As Bloch is about to go, he whispers in Geary’s ear that ‘the key is on Dauntless’. After Bloch has left, Geary asks Desjani in private what Block meant. Desjani explains that, after Geary was put in stasis, a new technology called the Hypernet gate was created. The Hypernet gate allowed ships to travel nearly instantaneously to anywhere in the galaxy that also had a Hypernet gate. Both the Alliance and the Syndicate built many of them in important systems. However, you needed a special key to access the gates. Both the Alliance and the Syndicate needed different keys so the Alliance couldn’t access Syndicate space and vice-versa. However, a traitor in the Syndic ranks revealed the location of a Syndic Hypernet key the Alliance could steal and replicate. Bloch put together a large Alliance fleet to go deep into Syndic territory and retrieve said key (coincidentally running into Geary on the way there). However, they were double-crossed and, while they managed to retrieve the key, the Alliance fleet was decimated. Geary puts two and two together and realises that Bloch was telling him the Syndic Hypernet key was on the Dauntless. Desjani confirms this and explains it was being kept a secret to avoid the Syndics knowing which ship they needed to target and destroy.


    Suddenly, every ship in the Alliance fleet receives a message from the Syndicate flagship. In the message, we see the Syndicate Commander coldly executing Bloch and the other officers. He then tells the Alliance fleet that there will be no negotiations and that their only option to survive is to unconditionally surrender. He will give them an hour to decide whether to surrender or die. Everyone on the Dauntless is shocked by this display, especially Geary. Desjani turns to him and asks what they should do. Shaken, Geary says that he’ll need to think about it and retreats to his private room. In his room, Geary tries running several simulations to try and either beat or escape the Syndics. All end in complete destruction. Geary quickly begins to break down into panic and despair when suddenly, he hears a knock at his door. He opens it to find Captain Desjani who tells him that a fleet conference between the surviving ship captains will begin in 5 minutes so Captain Geary should work on finalising his plan. Geary is surprised as how sure she is that he has a plan. Desjani comments that of course he has a plan. After all, he’s the great Black Jack Geary. Geary tells her that he’s not that person, that he could never be that person. Desjani says that they’ll see and leaves. Feeling oddly inspired by Desjani’s words, Geary returns to the simulation. Suddenly, he spots something. We cut to the fleet conference where the ship captains (simulated via hologram) are already in deep argument. They all agree that surrender is out of the question as Syndic labour camps are well known to practically be a death sentence. However, they cannot decide whether to fight or make a run to the nearest Hypernet gate, knowing that the Syndics will likely catch up (especially considering how damaged some ships are). One of the Captains, Numos, suggests going ‘every ship for itself’ in the hope that some ships will make it out of the chaos. While some officers are disdainful of this idea, others seem to support it. However Geary, who has stayed silent through these discussions, calmly tells them that that is not what they’ll be doing and that he has a plan to hopefully get every ship out of the system alive. Numos disdainfully asks what this plan is. Geary draws their attention to a map of the system they’re in, in particular to a small Jump Gate near the Alliance Fleet. Jump gates where the primary form of long distance transportation in Geary’s time, able to move ships through ‘jump space’ to reach nearby star systems in a matter of days. However, with the advent of Hypernet gates, they have fallen out of fashion, left operating but without being used. With luck, the Alliance fleet should be able to reach the jump gate and jump to a nearby system away from the Syndic fleet.


    The Conference is mixed on Geary’s idea with some claiming it’s cowardly to run from the Syndics and others point out that, while the jump gate would get them away from this system, it would still leave them in Syndic space and attackers would likely follow. Others point out that it’s the only chance they have to stop the fleet being outright destroyed. Numos says they should bring the plan to a vote, much to Geary’s surprise. Desjani explains to him that, nowadays, ship captains have a much greater freedom to act on their own and that fleet commanders more give suggestions that the captains can choose whether to follow. Votes like this one are quite common. Geary asks whether this is an official change in protocol. Confused, Desjani says it isn’t but it’s a common custom. Geary considers it foolish and makes it clear to the conference that his plan is not a suggestion, it is an order. Indecision could kill this fleet and they’re running out of time as it is. He’s open to debate, suggestions and proposals from his officers but as long as he is in command his word is final. After all, don’t they want a strong commander like Black Jack Geary to lead them out of this mess. Some captains, especially Numos, are very unhappy about this but are outnumbered by those who respect Black Jack Geary far too much to go against his word. Geary ends the conference and tells Desjani to prepare the Dauntless to head for the Jump gate and that he’ll join her on the bridge once he’s picked something up from his room.


    However, once he arrives at his room, he finds a woman waiting inside. Geary angrily demands how she got there as his room is supposed to be inaccessible to anyone other than himself. The woman introduces herself Co-President Rione, an Alliance Senator who agreed to accompany Bloch’s expedition. She is also the representative of both the Rift Federation and the Callus Republic, factions who, while not officially part of the Alliance, are allied with them against the Syndics. However, they don’t necessarily have to follow orders from Alliance officers should a ‘competent authority’, in this case Co-President Rione, judge that the actions are too risky to their ships. Rione has decided to meet with Geary to decide whether or not her ships will choose to follow him rather than trying to strike a deal with the Syndics. Geary points out the result of the last attempt to ‘negotiate with the Syndics’ and doubts Rione will have any more success. Rione is happy Geary has thought things out from more than just a combat viewpoint. However, she becomes very sceptical when Geary tells her he wants to get all the ships, including hers, home. She comments that regrouping and striking a brilliant counterattack against the Syndics sounds much more like what Black Jack Geary would do. Geary tries to make it clear to her that he’s not ‘the legendary Black Jack Geary’. He’s just Captain John Geary, a normal man thrown into this mess against his will. Rione is still sceptical. She asks which ship the Hypernet key is on. Geary points out that the information is classified. Rione asks if he’ll unclassify it if she promises to commit her ships. Geary says he’d prefer not to but if he had no other choice, he would. Rione then points out that she could trade that information to the Syndics in exchange for protection. Geary is confused at why she would tell him that. Rione points out that he’s too trusting and offers her services as an advisor. Geary accepts.


    After Rione leaves, Geary gets back to what he came to his room to do, looking up the contact information for Captain Michael J. Geary, commander of the ship Repulse. Upon awakening, Geary spent some time searching through his family history. He discovered that one of his brother’s grandchildren was commanding a ship in the fleet. He contacts Michael Geary in the hopes of finding out more about his family. However, he is surprised to find his grandnephew is incredibly cold towards him. When asked why, Michael explains that, since John’s legendary sacrifice, every member of the Geary family was forced to try and live up to the same standards as ‘Black Jack Geary’. John tells him he’s not that man. Michael knows but everyone else didn’t and he constantly had to live in John’s shadow. John apologises and Michael tells him there’s nothing he can do about it. John asks Michael if he’s still willing to follow his commands. Michael comments that he’ll “carry out [his] duties as if Black Jack Geary himself were [his] commander”. (“Please tell me that’s not a common phrase.” “It’s a common phrase.” “I don’t know whether to curse you or shoot myself.”) Michael is slightly pleased to find John dislikes the Black Jack label as much as he does but has to get back to organising and repairing his ship. John cuts the connection.


    John Geary rejoins Desjani on the bridge just as the fleet is ready to move out. Most of the ships are prepared enough to make it to the Jump Gate but one auxiliaries ship, Titan, has taken massive damage and is looking suspect. Realising that the loss of Titan could seriously reduce their chances of returning home (since auxiliary ships can create fuel cells and supplies for other ships), Geary works with a few other captains, including Duellos and Cresida (of the ships Courageous and Furious respectively) to create a plan making it look like the main fleet are charging at the Syndics before turning away at the last second to provide the slower ships a better chance of escaping. The plan goes off well and most of the ships are able to escape to the jump gate. However Titan ends up moving even slower than anticipated and is in real danger of being destroyed by enemy ships. Geary realises, to his growing horror, that the only way for Titan (and thus the fleet) to survive is for another ship to ‘pull a Black Jack’ and hold the Syndics long enough for Titan to escape. And the only ship both near enough and powerful enough is the Repulse. As John is debating ordering his grandnephew to a near certain death, he receives a transmission from the Repulse. Michael Geary, having figured out the same thing John did, has made the choice himself, moving Repulse to block the Syndic advance. Michael tells John, if he survives, to deliver a message to Michael’s sister (John’s grandniece) on the Dreadnaught. The message is that Michael didn’t hate John anymore. Repulse begins its attack on the Syndics and manages to destroy several battleships, taking heavy damage but buying enough time for Titan to get away. Seconds before the fleet takes off through the jump gate, Geary sees the Repulse finally destroyed by a barrage.


    The Alliance Fleet spends several days in jump space, mostly spent doing repairs. Geary spends much of his time planning, trying to familiarise himself with his command and finding out how things have changed since he was put in stasis. He compliments Captain Desjani on the performance of her and her crew, much to her undisguised glee, while also having a heartfelt discussion about her home planet which he remembers visiting once, years ago. He also strikes up an odd friendship with Captain Duellos of the Courageous, a sarcastic but competent commander who doesn’t hesitate to criticise Geary’s inexperience with the fleet or compliment him when he makes a sensible decision. Duellos tells Geary that some of the officers who disagree with his tactics, like Numos, are spreading rumours that his extended time in stasis left him feeble and weakminded in an attempt to undermine him. Geary asks whether Duellos believes that. Duellos admits he considered it but doesn’t think so. Geary realises he may be treading on thin ground, especially with his abolition of voting between captains. The next day, he’s in a private meeting with Rione. Rione asks how he feels after the loss of Repulse. Geary confesses to her how much he’s trying to supress his emotional trauma, both at Michael’s death and the death of pretty much everyone he ever knew, if only so he can remain being Black Jack Geary, the strong and focused commander, in the eyes of his fleet. Because it’s the only thing that can keep the fleet going after their devastating loss. Rione asks why he’s telling her this, since she could easily use it against him. Geary feels he can trust and confide in Rione since she understands how he’s not really the Black Jack Geary everyone idolises. Rione tells him that, whether he likes it or not, he is that Black Jack Geary and that if he ever deliberately does anything to potentially harm her ship or destabilise the Alliance in that name, she will kill him. Geary tells her that he’d want her to do that if it ever came to pass. Rione gets up to leave but tells Geary that, if he really needs it, she’s willing to remain an emotional support for him.


    The fleet arrives at Corvus, a mostly desolate star system. Knowing that the Syndics are likely to send a small scout force through the jump before their main fleet, Geary has his ships place mines across the jump gate exit and then move a long distance back so, if things go wrong, the fleet can still make it to the next jump. He also places two ships at the exit to act as guards. The small scout force sent through are decimated by the mines, only leaving a few small ships. Not wanting them to escape with any information, Geary orders the fleet to destroy them. As the fleet moves to do so, Geary notices that the two ships he placed as guards have moved out of their position and are charging towards the small ships, despite not having received orders to do so. In addition, the tactics the Alliance fleet use to destroy the smaller ships are incredibly headstrong as if the ships are competing to see who can do the most damage. As a result, one ship even nearly collides with another. Geary is horrified by this display and asks Desjani about it. Desjani, confused at Geary’s reaction and itching to get into the fray herself, explains that it’s the main way the Alliance fights. Every ship charges headlong at the enemy to show their bravery and fighting spirit. Just like Black Jack Geary did 102 years ago. Geary considers this utterly insane act and asks what happened to things like formations. Desjani comments that such things are considered near impossible to pull off since, due to light speed delays (aka the reason that, whenever we look at a certain star, we’re actually looking at what it looked like several million years previous since it took that long for the light to reach us), by the time the fleet commander sees what is happening on the other side of the battlefield, it has been several hours since it actually took place, hence it’s impossible to react in time. Geary comments that it’s difficult, true, but he and plenty of others were taught in class how to predict and plan ahead of time. He finds it hard to believe that’s been completely forgotten. Desjani explains it as, due to the high casualty rate of the war, instructors being killed before having a chance to pass the knowledge on until eventually everyone who knew how to do it died. At least, everyone except Geary.


    Realising this may be the best chance the fleet has, since they’ll have to face the Syndics sooner or later, Geary vows to increase discipline among the fleet and teach them his new formations instead. Since the Alliance fleet has quite some time before the Syndics will send another force after them (since it’ll take several days for them to confirm the destruction of the scouts and several more days for the attack fleet to reach them through the jump gate. And, since the Syndics will expect the Alliance to be running for the next Jump Gate and will move parts of their fleet to hopefully intercept, the pursuit fleet won’t be as big)  Geary sets the fleet to learning and practising some formations that will come in handy when they face the Syndics. Some of the ship captains are unhappy with this change in tactics, most vocally Numos but join in anyway. Geary is contacted by one of the supply ships who tells them that they’re running dangerously low on food and some raw materials. However, some Syndic military facilities on a nearby planet might contain what they need. Geary contacts Colonel Campbell, the commander of the fleet’s Marines contingency and organises a raid. However, there is a risk that the Syndics may set the base to explode in an attempt to take the Marines with them. To keep morale up, Campbell decides to personally lead the raid in powered armour and asks Geary to help organise the troops. The raid begin and we get a nice juicy shootout and combat scene between the Marines and the Syndics. The Marines successfully take the facility with help from aerial bombardments provided by the fleet.


    While the marines are loading the necessary supplies aboard their shuttles, the base receives a distress call from a Syndic civilian city on the same planet undergoing heavy bombardment. Geary discovers to his horror that the bombardment is being cause by one of his own ships. Yet none of the other ships in the fleet seem to care. Even Desjani believes that the Syndics are getting what they deserve, pointing out that Syndic warships do the same to Alliance worlds. Geary publicly lambasts her and the entire fleet telling them that, while it may be true the Syndics do the same, the Alliance have to prove themselves to be better than the Syndics, even if that occasionally puts them at a disadvantage. They have to keep their sense of honour and their personal values. And bombing innocent civilians without cause is not honourable or part of the values the Alliance was founded on. What is the point of fighting if victory means you become as bad as your enemy?  His words shame the fleet into stopping their bombardment. Desjani in particular is ashamed and admits she’s happily bombed innocents before without a second thought. Even Rione admits she felt somewhat shamed by Geary’s words. She explains she did some research and discovered that the Alliance policy of bombing civilians wasn’t an instantaneous change but an eventual slip through many tiny incidents in which the actions seemed perfectly reasonable at the time.


    The Marines have finished up loading their supplies and are heading back to the ship. However one shuttle, damaged in the fighting, loses power and crashes. At that moment, the Syndic pursuit fleet are spotted arriving in the system. Geary has the choice of either fighting and potentially being wiped out by the Syndic fleet, or running for the next jump point and abandoning the shuttle (since there’s not time to mount a rescue operation). He chooses to fight the Syndics with the new formations he’s been teaching the fleet. After a few tense early moments, Geary’s new tactics end up making a massive difference (especially since the Syndics have devolved to the same ‘head-on charge’ tactics the Alliance has) and quickly decimate the enemy fleet in an epic space battle. However, in the course of the battle, several ships lead by Numos break off from the formation for a head-on charge agains the enemy, almost ruining the entire plan and causing several ships to be destroyed.Despite this, the entire thing is hailed as a great victory for the Alliance. However, Duellos informs Geary that this victory will make his opponents in the fleet desperate and they may take drastic measures. And he can't simply remove the troublesome Captains like Numos otherwise it would look like he's performing a loyalist purge, something that has already happened multiple times during the war, to Geary's shock. After the shuttle is rescued, the fleet sets off for the next jump point. The next jump point can lead to three different star systems. Yuon, a system with its own Hypernet key, Voss, which leads to the Syndic home system and Kaliban, a relatively deserted system. The fleet naturally wants to go to Yuon since there’s a Hypernet key there. However, Gear explains to Rione that he intends to go to Kaliban. Yuon is far too obvious a target and, with the Syndics able to hypergate there, there’s almost certain to be an ambush. Voss, on the other hand, could let them cause serious damage to the Syndic home system so that will need to be defended as well. However, the Syndics can only stretch their fleet so far, thus Kaliban is likely to be lightly defended if defended at all. However, when Geary explains this to the fleet at a conference, Numos and several others violently object to having to spend more time in Syndic space. They believe it dishonourable and cowardly to try and avoid fighting the Syndics at Yuon and accuse Geary of having lost his nerve because of the stasis sleep. Geary, Duellos and Desjani cut down their attempts to have Geary removed as fleet commander, using the recent victory to persuade the majority of the fleet. After the conference, Duellos warns Geary that that’s likely not the last they’ll hear of it and that Numos and co will likely end up doing desperate.


    Several days later, as the fleet is arriving at the jump gate, Duellos is proven right as Numos and nearly 40 other ships split off from the main group and start heading to Yuon. Geary’s increasingly desperate orders to get them to stay seem to have no effect. Finally, just before they’re about to lose contact, Geary sends them the message ‘Ilion’. Numos’s ship jump  to Yuon while Geary’s jump to Kaliban which is completely undefended. Geary is frustrated at Numos’s stupidity and neither Duellos or Desjani’s attempts to comfort him work. Rione asks him what he meant when he told them Ilion. Geary explains that his plan is for the fleet to go quickly through Kaliban and, while the Syndics are distracted guarding Yuon and Voss, strike at Cosca, a major Syndic shipbuilding facility with its own Hypernet gate and use that to get home while simultaneously doing damage to the Syndic war effort. However, should their offensive at Cosca fail, they will retreat through Ilion which is accessible by Yuon via jump gate. Thus, any surviving mutineering ships should be able to reach them via Ilion. Rione points out that that only works should the offensive at Cosca fail. Should it succeed, the fleet will get home but the mutineers will be trapped in Syndic space. Geary states that the Captains of those ships made their decision. Rione points out that the crew didn’t have any choice and questions whether the crew should be sacrificed for their captain’s mistakes. Geary snaps, yelling at Rione that there’s nothing he can do about it, showing just how deeply the mutiny has affected him.


    As the fleet is travelling through Kaliban, Geary receives another message from the auxiliaries stating that they’re once again running low on food and materials. However, in order to reach Cosca before the Syndics can figure out their plan, the fleet doesn’t have time to stop and raid another Syndic base. However, Rione steps in with a suggestion. While the fleet can’t actually stop to attack the Syndic bases, the Syndics don’t know that. They can send a broadcast threatening the Syndics to send them supplies via shuttle and the Syndics will agree under threat of being wiped out. Geary agrees with the plan but insists they make it clear to the Syndics that they’re targeting military facilities, not civilian ones. The plan works and several shuttles arrive on different ships in the fleet, a couple landing on Dauntless. After checking to make sure the food and supplies aren’t tampered with, the Syndic shuttle crews are sent back to their planet via escape pod and the fleet jumps to Cosca. There is a small Syndic fleet in the area but nothing the Alliance should have too much trouble handling. However, unbeknownst to the fleet, there is a secret compartment in the supply shuttles they just received containing several Syndic Marines. They strike just as the Alliance fleet enters combat with the Syndic one, destroying one ship from the inside and throwing Geary’s formation into chaos. Gunfights between the Syndic and Alliance Marines break out on multiple ships, including Dauntless. When Geary checks the sections of the ship currently at threat by the Syndic Marines, he realises that Rione’s room at threat and that she’s in danger. He’s about to go and help her when Desjani reminds him of his obligation to the fleet. The battle is going poorly and he’s the only one who can get them out of it. However, Geary is unwilling to leave Rione and he can’t spare any Marines to get rescue her. Desjani, having trained for combat situations, agrees to go and rescue her in his place.


    One epic combat scene later and Desjani has helped escort Rione (who’s pretty combat savvy herself) to safety while helping Colonel Campbell finish off the Syndics. Meanwhile, Geary has managed to reorganise the Alliance Fleet and wiped out the Syndic Fleet, leaving the Hypernet Gate open. However, the fleet received a distress signal from the mutineers and Yuon who are being slaughtered and are desperately running for Ilion. Geary is unsure what to do. If he takes the fleet through the Hypernet Gate, the mutineers will almost certainly die. However, if he goes to rescue the mutineers, the Syndics may have a chance to place heavier defences at the Cosca Hypernet gate. Rione tells him that he should probably go through the Hypernet Gate. Duellos agrees, commenting that the mutineers dug their own graves. Desjani tells him that she’ll faithfully follow whatever he decides to do but also reminds him of his own words to them when they were bombing Syndic civilians. About how they should try and keep their sense of honour and values and not become like the Syndics in the name of victory. After a lot of careful deliberation, Geary decides to stick to his vow of leaving no ships behind and takes the fleet to rescue the mutineers at Ilion. To his surprise, the rest of the fleet, including Rione, are quite supportive of this. They jump to Ilion just as the remnants of the mutineers arrive being pursued by a very large Syndic force. Taking advantage of the element of surprise, the Alliance fleet sets several traps for the Syndics when they come out of jump and, through the use of risky but effective tactics from Geary, which require every ship to be in perfect position and not break for anything, manage to destroy the Syndic fleet in an epic space battle. However, some ships are destroyed during the battle defending their comrades, including Captain Duellos's Courageous. However, to Geary's joy, Duellos managed to get to an escape pod before his ship blew. Numos and his fellow captains are arrested and the Alliance Fleet heads back to Casco triumphant and ready to return home.


    Theaters: 3941
    MPAA Rating: PG-13
    Budget: $150mil

    Edited by Rukaio Alter
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    Could you move MST3K up a week to April 19th? Just noticed how weak the competition is that weekend. I'll increase the theatre counts to 2498 as well.

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