CAYOM IX - The Academy Awards

[rukaio101]

Pre- Show Note: I'm pretty much going to be writing this ceremony as I go, so apologies for any large gaps between entries. Also, I'm not putting laughter brackets after each joke because that feels inherent wrong to me. That and it becomes really awkward when your joke isn't actually funny.

 

[The video screen pulls down]

 

In the not too distant future…

 

 

(The Star Wars theme starts playing and we get the traditional Star Wars text scroll.)

 

It is a period of CAYOM award ceremonies. The year’s greatest films are being recognised and awarded for their many achievements. And the most important ceremony of all, the CAYOM Academy awards is about to take place. Celebrities are gathering on the red carpet, cast and crewfrom all of Year 9’s most beloved films (and Life of Galileo).

 

However, unbeknownst to them, backstage there is a big problem. The selected hosts for this year, Mike Nelson, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot have yet to make an appearance. And there is only an hour left until the ceremony begins. With little choice left, the organisers turn to Jimmy Kimmel to act as a replacement if the three do not turn up in time. 

 

Meanwhile, deep in Edward Nadry’s sex dungeon, a drunken David Henrie is watching the ceremony online and silently weeping.

 

Meanwhile, on the Satellite of Love…

 

 

Mike: Hey Servo, what’s with this letter I found in the garbage heap?

 

Tom: It’s not from that feud I’ve been having with Terence Malik is it? Because I swear, he started it by making Island of Dreams.

 

Mike: No, it’s not that. Apparently we’ve been invited to host the Academy Awards.

 

Tom: Oh sure, Mike. And next you’ll be telling me my rich Nigerian cousin just died and left me his fortune. Or that people actually enjoyed OMGSharks.

 

Mike: I guess you’re right. I mean, it does all seem rather silly. Oh hold on, we’re getting a transmission.

 

A figure, who is most definitely not Crow with a silly fake moustache, appears on the screen.

 

???:  Good salutations to you all on this fine day.

 

Mike: Crow, what are you doing?

 

???: Crow? Who is this Crow of which you speak? My name is Oscar T. Oscarson, head organiser of the CAYOM Academy Awards.

 

Mike: No seriously Crow, what are you doing? You’re not fooling anyone.

 

Suddenly, the real Crow enters.

 

Crow: Hey guys, theoretically, what do you think would happen if I replaced the ship’s oxygen supply with helium? Theoretically, of course.

 

Mike: Wait a minute, Crow. If you’re here then who’s…?

 

Crow: Woah! Who’s that handsome guy?

 

Oscar T. Oscarson: Now do you believe my identity is real?

 

Mike: …Still no, to be honest.

 

Tom: Yeah, you could just be any maniac with a superpowered transmission machine able to send messages across half the known universe.

 

…

 

Mike: Okay, in hindsight your story is actually sounding more plausible now.

 

Oscar T. Oscarson: Anyway, we are in the middle of an emergency. We need you to get here post haste and host the Year 9 Academy Awards Ceremony!

 

Mike: Right, I can’t help but think there may be a small problem with that.

 

Crow: Yeah! I don’t have a thing to wear!

 

Mike: …Okay, that and we’re in the middle of space. We have no idea where Earth is, yet alone how to get back in time.

 

Oscar T. Oscarson: Oh don’t worry, we can sort that. We’ve fitted your satellite with the same mystical technology used in that beloved classic film, The Last Action Hero to transport you into the world of film so you can get here in time.

 

Mike: Wait, you can actually do that in real life?

 

Oscar T. Oscarson: Oh yeah. In fact all movie technology and magic is secretly real. We only use CGI to make it all look fake so no-one catches on. Anyway-

 

Mike: But wait, if that’s true, then why not just send one of the ships from Star Wars or Dauntless to pick us up? Or use a Stargate or a teleporter or-

 

Oscar T. Oscarson: I’m sorry. Did you say something, Mr ‘Repeat to yourself it’s just a show’?

 

Mike: …Never mind.

 

Oscar T. Oscarson: Anyway, the ceremony will start soon, so places everyone!

 

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

(Mike, Tom and Crow shuffle into their theatre seats.)

 

Mike: I hope this works.

Crow: Oh, it’ll probably just malfunction slightly and send us through a humorous and visually exciting montage of the year’s biggest films.

Mike: ….Wait, what?

 

(The machine starts and the Satellite of Love is sucked into a massive wormhole. They come out in the animated world of Cybernetic 7 where, below them, two Mechs are fighting. We see Mike, Tom and Crow watching clips from Cybernetic 7 in the theatre.)

 

Mike: Oh hey, a Mech fight. Isn’t that awesome?

Crow: Eh, those Mechs aren’t so tough. I reckon I could take them.

Mike: Crow… They’re like 20 times your size.

Crow: Nah, that’s just a camera trick they use to make them look bigger. It’s like what they do with Tom Cruise.

 

(They get sucked into another wormhole and this time end up in Star Wars: Age of the Republic. In it, the Onderon forces are currently battling the Beast Wars)

 

Tom: Star Wars: Age of the Republic! Now with 30% more Avatar!

 

(They get sucked into another wormhole and end up in the world of House of Atreus where Michael Fassbender as Aegithus is giving a rousing speech to his troops.)

 

Crow: Now you men will only be risking your lives, whilst I will be risking an almost certain Academy Award nomination for Best Actor!

 

(They get sucked into another wormhole and end up in the world of Dauntless where the titular ship is currently engaged in a standoff against several Syndic ships. Then everyone notices the Satellite drifting past.)

 

Crow: Number Two! On my command, prepare to fire phasers.

Tom: They’re called orbital projectiles, Captain.

Crow: Whatever. This time we’ll beat the Klingons-

Tom: Syndics. Besides, we can’t-

Crow: Did you say Khan?

Tom: No, I-

Crow: KHHAAAAAAANNN!!

Tom: Forget it.

 

(Both sides fire at the satellite but, before they hit, it gets sucked into another wormhole. The satellite ends up bizarrely trapped inside a glass of water in Train 38.)

 

Mike: Well, that makes no sense.

 

(Next, they arrive in Battle for Brazil. Terry Gilliam and Sidney Sheinberg are arguing in Sheinberg’s office when suddenly, the Satellite of Love flies past the window. The two watch it, visibly bemused, before going back to arguing.)

 

Tom: Hmm… Perhaps you’ll change your mind if I SHOUT EVEN LOUDER!!!

 

(Next they end up in the world of Attack on Titan. A titan approaches.)

 

Crow: Look out! It’s Tom Cruise!

 

(They get sucked through another wormhole just before the titan steps on them. They end up in another animated world, this time of Me & My Shadow. It’s at a very dramatic moment as Shadow Hale has gained the powers of the prime and is about to destroy the protagonists)

 

Mike: Hey guys, check out what I can do with my shadow!

 

(Makes shadow puppets in front of the screen)

 

Mike: It’s a dog. And it’s talking! Woof woof! Now it’s a crocodile!

Tom: Look Mike, just because you’re the only one of us with working hands doesn’t mean you can show off.

 

(Next, they arrive in the world of Legacy of the Joestars where Jonathan Joestar and Dio Brando are fighting on a burning castle.)

 

Tom: Now, Thor- I mean, Jonathan, I Loki- I mean, Dio shall defeat you and take my rightful place as king of Asgard!

 

(Next, they arrive in Dawn of the Six where the Last Six are battling Lust.)

 

Crow: Awooga! That lady can dawn my last six any time!

Mike: That makes no sense whatsoever as an innuendo.

Crow: You’re just jealous you didn’t think of it first.

Mike: ….dammit, you’re right.

 

(Next, we see the youth camp from Kansas. The Satellite of Love lands on it, crushing the entire building, before bouncing off again.)

 

Mike: Let us never speak of that one again.

 

(Next, we arrive at the MST3K Movie where the crew watch themselves riffing Thomas the Tank Engine.)

 

Tom: Who the hell are these assholes?

Crow: Hey jerks! We’re trying to watch the movie here! Stop talking over it!

Mike: Hang on guys, I think we’re almost done here.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

(We cut to Jimmy Kimmel relaxing in his stage room.)

 

Jimmy: Finally. It’s my time to shine.

 

(He goes to leave the room, but the door won’t open.)

 

Jimmy: Hello? Stage hands?! Um… my door’s stuck! Hello?! Hello?!

 

(We cut to the outside of the building where the Satellite of Love has crashlanded directly in front of the door to Kimmel’s room.)

 

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the Year 9 Cayom Academy Awards with your hosts, Mike Nelson, Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot!

 

(The three take to the stage to great applause.)

 

Mike: Thank you, thank you. It’s lovely to be here. Quite seriously. I’ve been trapped in space for several years. Pretty much any place on earth would be lovely to be at.

 

Crow: Except Kansas.

 

Mike: Except Kansas. Now, before we get started, I’m sure there are people out there who might see us and think of a certain other puppet Oscar host.

 

Crow: Jim Carrey?

 

Mike: Not him, no. Anyway, I’d like to assure everyone that just because we have puppets, does not mean we are going to be ripping off successful past Oscar hosts.

 

Tom: But we are still singing Rainbow Connection for the big finale though, right Mike?

 

Mike: Naturally. Anyway, there were a lot of fantastic films out this year. Did anyone see the new Star Wars?

 

Tom: Was that the one with Clive Owen and all those spaceships?

 

Mike: No, that was Dauntless.

 

Crow: Was it the one with that millionaire duck on a treasure hunt around the world?

 

Mike: N-No, that was the Adventures of Scrooge McDuck.

 

Crow: Huh. Weird. They seemed uncannily similar.

 

Mike: ……Speaking of animated films, what did you think about Best Picture nominee Cybernetic 7?

 

Crow: Oh, I loved it. And it gave me real hope that my post-apocalyptic cyberpunk version of Rashomon starring talking apes will be taken serious. I shall call it… Rashomonkey. Andy Serkis is of course going to star.

 

Mike: Sounds… fascinating, but Cybernetic 7 isn’t the only oddball Best Picture nominee this year. Take Hateful Eight Redux. The film which stars half of Hollywood as the other half of Hollywood.

 

Tom: Yes, for example, I was played by none other than Sir Laurence Olivier!

 

Crow: That man is so versatile, even in death. Who played me?

 

Tom: An old vacuum cleaner they found in a closet.

 

Mike: Another Best Picture nominee, from long time favourites the Coen Bros, was Suicide is Painless. Ironically, that title is exactly the advice I gave Darren Aronofsky when the reviews for Kansas came in.

 

Crow: Yeah, that’s great and all Mike, but when are you going to get to the movie that we’re all most looking forward to?

 

Mike: Do you mean House of Atreus, which has been nominated for a whopping 15 awards tonight?

 

Crow: Oh please. 15 nominations is light for a Numerator Pictures Historical epic. Anyway, I’m talking about the movie that everyone here wants to see win.

 

Mike: Are you talking about The Battle for Brazil, one of the frontrunners in the Best Picture race?

 

Crow: Do I sound like I’m talking about Battle for freaking Brazil?! I’m talking about our movie! The MST3K Movie! Beloved by all? Hosts of maniac fans who would kill for us without the slightest hesitation? So what are we up for tonight?

 

Mike: Oh. We weren’t nominated for anything.

 

Crow & Tom: What?!

 

Mike: Yep. Not a single nomination.

 

Tom: But I spent all night working on my acceptance speech! It read ‘Hahahaha hahaha haha haha haha hahahaha.”

 

Mike: That’s very nice Tom, but-

 

Tom: Hold on, I’m not done yet. “Hahahaha hahaha hahaha hahaha haha.”

 

Mike: Okay, I think we’ve got the general gist of things.

 

Tom: Are you sure? I’ve got three more pages of this.

 

Mike: I’m pretty sure, yes. Anyway, I thought you guys might be depressed hearing this so I did something for you.

 

Crow: You stole the Best Picture Oscar?!

 

Mike: Not quite. I did get a list of all the independent awards our movie was nominated for and won.

(opens envelope) Now let’s see. The first here is from the Boston Critics association and it says we won the award for… for ‘Film Most Liable to Cause Brain Damage while Watching.”

 

Crow & Tom: Hurray!!

 

Mike: I really don’t think you should be celebrating that one.

 

Tom: Eh, we’ll take them where we can get them. Keep reading!

 

Mike: Okay… The next one is from Chicago’s Critics and is the “What the Hell Were They Thinking?” award.

 

Crow & Tom: Hurray!!

 

Mike: The next award is- Wow, I’m not reading that out on live TV. Oh, here’s a good one. Apparently we won Best Picture in the MTV Movie Awards!

 

(Tom & Crow make sounds of disgust)

 

Crow: That’s terrible!

 

Tom: Jeez Mike, are you trying to make us feel bad?!

 

Mike: Sigh. Let’s just get on with the ceremony, shall we?

 

 

Edited December 23, 2014 by Rukaio Alter

[Ezen Baklattan]

Mike: Another Best Picture nominee, from long time favourites the Coen Bros, was Suicide is Painless. Ironically, that title is exactly the advice I gave Darren Aronofsky when the reviews for Kansas came in.

Oh, god. 

[Rorschach]

Well this is quite unexpected. I didn't think the ceremony would be today.

[rukaio101]

Mike: Our first guest host, here to present the award for Best Supporting Voice Actor/Actress, please welcome Benedict Cumberbatch!

 

(Cumberbatch walks on stage)

 

Benedict: Thank you, Mike. Voice acting has always been a long underappreciated artform but, without it, millions of fangirls would’ve missed my deep dulcet tones as Ezen in the Spark movies. And aren’t those tones great? Just listen to that rich voice. Hello. Hello. It’s like I’ve swallowed an oboe. *coughs* Anyway, we’re here to celebrate those tones today with the award for Best Supporting Voice Actor or Actress. The nominees are…

 

TONY ALSEMO as HUEY, DUEY and LUEY, a trio of young ducks on an adventure in THE ADVENTURES OF SCROOGE MCDUCK

 

JULIE ANDREWS AS MRS POTTS, a servant turned into an teapot by a curse in BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

 

JEFF BRIDGES as THE PIANO MAN, a manipulative  song intent on taking over the JukeCloud in SIR THYME’S TIME 2

 

MARK STRONG as ASH, a mysterious Mech Pilot with a dark past in CYBERNETIC 7

 

EMMA THOMPSON as SHIYO, an old Mech Pilot who agrees to come out of retirement one last time in CYBERNETIC 7

 

And the winner is…

 

MARK STRONG FOR CYBERNETIC 7

 

Mark: Thank you very much. I am honoured to receive this award and thankful to everyone who helped me come this far. Hope you’re not too annoyed, Emma!

 

(cut to Emma Thompson smiling cheerfully… while cracking her knuckles)

 

Anyway, I hope this shows all the people who thought I could only play villains. Thank you and good night!

 

[cookie]

Crow: Was it the one with that millionaire duck on a treasure hunt around the world?

 

That's multiplujillionare duck on a treasure hunt around the world, thank you very much.

[rukaio101]

Mike: To present our next award for Best Visual Effects, please welcome Andy Serkis!

 

(Andy Serkis walks on stage pursued by Crow holding a Monkey costume)

 

Crow: Put it on! No-one will recognise you otherwise!

 

Serkis: No, I’m not putting that damn thing on! *clears throat and addresses audience* Anyway, I don’t need to. Effects work has improved to such an extent that we no longer need cheap costumes to bring strange creatures and impressive sights to life. And the award for Best Visual Effects is here to celebrate that. The nominees are…

 

ATTACK ON TITAN

 

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

 

DAUNTLESS

 

DAWN OF THE LAST SIX

 

STAR WARS: AGE OF THE REPUBLIC

 

And the winner is…

 

DAUNTLESS

 

Winner: Thank you so much for this award! It has been an absolute honour to work on this film. And I hope this shows all those people who said going into Visual Effects was a poor career choice. That’s right, I’m talking to you, Victoria! Who’s a poor career choice now?! You’re only living with a millionaire! I just won an Oscar!

 

(breaks down crying)

 

God, I’m so lonely…

[Rorschach]

That's multiplujillionare duck on a treasure hunt around the world, thank you very much.

Somebody's busting out the big bucks, aren't they

[rukaio101]

Mike: To present our next two awards, please welcome Elizabeth Banks!

 

(Elizabeth Banks enters with Tom Servo)

 

Tom: Hey Elizabeth, notice anything different about me?

 

Elizabeth: Um…

 

Tom: I got a fresh new paint job just for this ceremony! What do you think?!

 

Elizabeth: It looks very... new! Anyway, a paint job isn’t the only kind of touch up you see in film. And make-up is indeed very important for making sure our stars look their best. So, without further ado, here are the nominees for Best Make-Up.

 

THE BATTLE FOR BRAZIL

 

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

 

THE HOUSE OF ATREUS

 

LEGACY OF THE JOESTARS: PHANTOM BLOOD

 

THE THIN, THE FAT AND THE FELON

 

And the winner is…

 

THE HOUSE OF ATREUS

 

Winner: Obviously, my victory in this category was inevitable, but it is good to be certain. I’d like to thank the most inspirational person in my life. A man who has inspired me through thick and thin to excel far beyond everyone else. Of course, I am referring to myself. Now, I look forward to seeing you all next year when I inevitably win again.

[4815162342]

Nice.

 

Though Joestars winning would have been very acceptable.

[rukaio101]

Elizabeth Banks: Our next award is here to celebrate all the smooth dressers and fine wardrobes you see in films nowadays. Most of whom obviously don’t live up to my dress sense, but oh well. So let’s give out the Best Costume award!

 

Tom: I’m not sure I’m the best person to award this.

 

Elizabeth: Really? Why?

 

Tom: Because, technically I’m naked right now.

 

Elizabeth: Well, you could say that about half the actresses here tonight. But we're not here to talk about questionable fashion trends. We're here to celebrate the good ones. And the nominees for Best Costume are…

 

 

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

 

DAUNTLESS

 

THE HOUSE OF ATREUS

 

LIFE OF GALILEO

 

YZMA

 

And the winner is…

 

THE HOUSE OF ATREUS

 

Winner: Excellent. The foolish humans have been tricked by my impeccable disguises. Tonight, I shall collect this Oscar for the glory of the Venusian Empire! Glook Glatto Glook!

 

(Walks offstage and promptly collapses.)

 

Mike: Um… apologies for that last speech. Apparently someone has spiked the punch. Which is odd because we weren't even serving punch. Anyway, we’re going to cut to commercial break while we try to sort this out. Hopefully, we'll be back soon.

[Blankments]

BTW, enjoy the likes y'all

 

Enjoying the ceremony!

 

BUT LET ME WIN SOMETHING

[Alpha]

Mike: Another Best Picture nominee, from long time favourites the Coen Bros, was Suicide is Painless. Ironically, that title is exactly the advice I gave Darren Aronofsky when the reviews for Kansas came in.

 

Just to let you know, that's gonna bite you in the ass next year.

[Rorschach]

Just to let you know, that's gonna bite you in the ass next year.

I'll be the judge of that

[Alpha]

I'll be the judge of that

 

Yeah, right.

 

My 12 year-old self wrote The Giver. Explain that to me.

[Alpha]

Also Rukaio, amazing intro. Seriously some of the best writing for an Oscar ceremony since Blankments' Year 6 Oscars.

 

Just to let everyone know, I've already decided who'll be the host for when I write the Oscars.

 

[Empire]

Good ceremonies so far.

[rukaio101]

Just realised I forgot to add the poll so I've edited that in now.

 

Also, I'm hoping to continue with the awards relatively soon.

[rukaio101]

Mike: Okay, welcome back to the Ninth Annual CAYOM Academy Awards ceremony. We think we’ve rooted out all the spiked drinks so we’re ready to continue.

 

(Suddenly, Shia LeBeouf runs down one of the aisles, shrieking maniacally before collapsing.)

 

Mike: Okay, we may have missed one. Oh well. Anyway, to present our first Best Picture showcase, please welcome famed director Terry Gilliam!

 

(Terry Gilliam enters)

 

Terry: Thank you very much. The film industry in the 1980’s was very different to the industry today. For one, I’m quite certain SPS President Joseph Joestarr would be in jail back in 1985. Or at least on animal cruelty charges. Anyway, not all stories from back then were pleasant. I had to struggle and struggle to have my film, Brazil, released as it should be and I’m proud to have that tale told in The Battle for Brazil

 

(A montage of clips from Battle for Brazil is shown.)

 

Terry: Anyway, one of the most impressive aspects of Brazil was its Art Direction. The outstanding sets and design that really brought the locations and the film to life. And our next award is here to celebrate that. The nominees for Best Art Direction are…

 

THE BATTLE FOR BRAZIL

 

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

 

DAUNTLESS

 

THE HOUSE OF ATREUS

 

THE THIN, THE FAT AND THE FELON

 

And the winner is…

 

BEAUTY AND THE BEAST

 

Winner: Whoo! I’m gonna go spike some more drinks in celebration!

[rukaio101]

Mike: Anyway, before we present the next award for Best Use of Action, Tom has apparently got an exclusive interview with some special guests in the audience.

 

Tom: That’s right, Mike. I’m sitting with none other than Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson!

 

Chuck: Hi Tom, it’s good to be invited back together to another Oscar Ceremony.

 

Liam: Especially considering what happened last time we had a puppet for a host.

 

Tom: Yeah, speaking of, I assume there’s some sort of security stopping you from doing the same to me.

 

Chuck: Of course. We’ve actually been handcuffed to our chairs using a special indestructible metal forged from meteors.

 

Liam: It’s very sturdy.

 

Tom: Right. But what happens if you win any awards? How are you going to get up to collect them?

 

Liam: Oh that’s simple. Like so.

 

(The two easily snap their handcuffs.)

 

Tom: ….You know, I can’t help but see a slight flaw in this security system. But you won't really beat me up though, right?

 

Chuck: Of course we won't, Tom.

 

Liam: Unless we lose to a film feature large amounts of technology.

 

Tom: But... But that describes three of the nominees.... Hey Mike, can I-? 

 

Mike: Sorry Tom, you'll have to finish your interview later. Because here to present Best Use of Action is none other than Jackie Chan!

 

(Jackie Chan enters)

 

Jackie: Thank you very much. Action comes in all shapes and forms. From car chases to shoot outs to fist fights to a special invention I like to call shoofistcar fights. And, more often than not, the action is the part of the movie we're all look forward to the most. So let's embrace that impulse! The nominees for Best Use of Action are…

 

 

ATTACK ON TITAN

 

CHUCK NORRIS & LIAM NEESON VS THE UNDERWORLD

 

CYBERNETIC 7

 

DAUNTLESS

 

STAR WARS: AGE OF THE REPUBLIC

 

And the winner is…

 

CYBERNETIC 7

 

Tom: Oh dear God.

 

(Tom is immediately pounced upon by Chuck and Liam and beaten up in a way too violent to show on TV but will inevitably end up on Youtube.)

 

Winner: Wow. I’m really happy to receive this award today! I can't believe I beat the famed duo of Chuck Norris and… oh my god… Is that red robot going to be okay? Because that looks really painful.

 

Mike: Eh, he’ll walk it off.

 

Tom: MY LEGS!! THEY RIPPED OFF MY LEGS!!

 

Mike: He’ll crawl it off.

[rukaio101]

Mike: Anyway, while we try to put Tom back together, here’s our next guest. Here to present Best Sound Mixing and Best Sound Editing, please welcome Sylvester Stallone!

 

(Sylvester Stallone and Crow T. Robot both enter.)

 

Sylvester: Yuh neew, schaund is reely impurtant to a firlm. Affer ehll, yuh nee to unnerstarn zactly whut sommon is schaying.

 

Crow: Couldn’t agree more. So let’s present the award for Best Sound Mixing.

 

Sylvester: Zhe numiknees arh…

 

 

THE BATTLE FOR BRAZIL

 

DAUNTLESS

 

THE HATEFUL EIGHT REDUX

 

THE HOUSE OF ATREUS

 

STAR WARS: AGE OF THE REPUBLIC

 

And the winner is…

 

STAR WARS: AGE OF THE REPUBLIC

 

Winner: Thank you! This is a massive surprise.

 

Sylvester: Yuh vary welcuum.

 

Winner: W-What did he say?

 

Crow: Something about fish. I don’t know.