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CAYOM IX - The Academy Awards

  

11 members have voted

  1. 1. Who will win Best Picture?

    • The Battle for Brazil
      7
    • Cybernetic 7
      1
    • The Hateful Eight Redux
      0
    • The House of Atreus
      0
    • Suicide is Painless
      2
  2. 2. Who will take home the most awards?

    • The House of Atreus
      6
    • Cybernetic 7
      2
    • The Battle for Brazil
      2
    • Dauntless
      0
    • Suicide is Painless
      0
    • The Hateful Eight Redux
      0


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Crow: Anyway, Mixing isn't the only Sound award we’re here to celebrate.

 

Sylvester (dubbed over with Benedict Cumberbatch’s voice): That’s very correct, Crow. Editing those sounds after production is equally important.

 

Crow: Wait, what happened to your voice? It sounds-

 

Sylvester: Deeper? Richer? With smooth oboe-y tones?

 

Crow: I was going to say more like Benedict Cumberbatch.

 

Sylvester: It must be your imagination. Anyway, the nominees for Best Sound Editing are…

 

CYBERNETIC 7

 

DAUNTLESS

 

THE HATEFUL EIGHT REDUX

 

THE HOUSE OF ATREUS

 

STAR WARS: AGE OF THE REPUBLIC

 

And the winner is…

 

CYBERNETIC 7

 

Winner: Thank you very much for this award.

 

Sylvester: What was that? You need to speak up, sir! Try using deep, rich tones like myself, Benedict Cumberba- I mean, Sylvester Stallone.

 

Winner (dubbed over by Benedict Cumberbatch): By goodness, you’re right! This is far better! My throat is like a smooth rumble! Thank you Benedict Cumberba- I mean Sylvester Stallone!

Edited by Rukaio Alter
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Mike: To present our next Best Picture Showcase, please welcome Keanu Reeves!

 

(Keanu Reeves enters)

 

Keanu (completely monotone): Thank you. I’ve always had a passion for Japanese culture and filmmaking techniques and there is no better example of that than Akira Kurosawa’s Seven Samurai. You can tell by the unbridled passion in my voice. So when I heard they were doing an animated sci-fi remake, I was sceptical. But Cybernetic 7 forged its own path and managed to prove a fantastic film in its own right. And I am honoured to present it for Best Picture. Can’t you hear just how honoured I sound?

 

(A montage of Cybernetic 7 clips follows)

 

Keanu Reeves: One of the many many things that makes Seven Samurai the beloved film it is today is Akira Kurosawa’s flawless editing. So I am proud to announce the nominees for Best Editing…

 

THE BATTLE FOR BRAZIL

 

DAUNTLESS

 

THE HATEFUL EIGHT REDUX

 

THE HOUSE OF ATREUS

 

SUICIDE IS PAINLESS

 

And the winner is…

 

THE BATTLE FOR BRAZIL

 

Winner: Fantastic! I can’t believed we managed to win. This is the greatest day of my life!

 

Keanu (completely monotone): I’m very happy for you. Ecstatic. Over the moon.

 

Winner: A-Are you mocking me?

 

Keanu (monotone): No, I’m giving you my most heartfelt congratulations. Can’t you tell?

 

Winner: You son of a b*tch! I’ll kick your ass!

 

(Keanu and the winner start fighting.)

 

Mike: Um… okay, I think we’re going to have to cut to commercials while we sort this out. We’ll hopefully be back shortly.

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Well, since I'm writing these as I go along, I need a break every once in a while.

 

Also, this way I give people a good chance to write and post their own trailers or parody songs or whatever.

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HOURGLASS PICTURES

*Shots of several spaceships leaving a city*

ALEX (VO): Welp, here it is.

*A swarm of particles surround a city*

ALEX (VO): I'm kinda terrified at this situation, but hopedal something works out.

*A mysterious alien woman creates explosions using gestures of her hand*

ALEX (In a ship with more militaristic gear): What? I suck at St. Crispian's Day speeches.

ZENTA: I don't think it'll help much anyway.

*The two, looking affectionately at each other, jump off.*

A fast shot of action sequences take place:

*Degg single handedly stops a large tank with his fist.*

*Ezen moves ships on a digital map*

*Alex looks at Zinta affectionately*

*Team Spark looks around on top of a building*

*Alex and Zinta (in mid air) glide to a control tower and strike the ground, creading a large burst of energy.*

ZENTA: Like I said, we're already pumped up.

SPARK: SUPERNOVA

PART: 1

Coming May 29, Y10.

-----

Yeah, Zenta's getting a beefier role than ever before. Basically imagine Lady Macbeth but of a high moreal caliber.

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And I'm back. Apologies if these next few entries seem a bit lackluster. I'm feeling pretty burnt out at the moment.

 

Mike: Okay, the fight has been broken up and we’re back. In case you’re wondering who won, it was Keanu Reeves. It turns out that behind that emotionless demeanour beats the heart of a brutal maniac. Who knew?

 

Tom: Ugh… He’s not the most brutal one here though.

 

Mike: Oh hey Tom, I see they managed to fix you up.

 

Tom: I can only feel sorrow and pain.

 

Mike: You seem fine. Anyway, our next guest host is none other than Jennifer Lawrence!

 

(Jennifer Lawrence and Crow both enter. On their way up the stairs, Jennifer trips over Crow.)

 

Crow: Careful lady!

 

Jennifer: Sorry. This dress is really hard to walk in. Whoops!

 

(Jennifer stumbles backwards, almost tripping over Crow again.)

 

Crow: Gaaah! Are you doing this on purpose?!

 

Jennifer: A little bit, yeah. Anyway, while my pratfalls may not be the most convincing, there are plenty of fantastic actresses able to form brilliant and realistic performances. And we’re here to celebrate that. The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are…

 

SANDRA BULLOCK as KATHRYN BIGELOW, a popular film director in THE HATEFUL EIGHT REDUX

 

HELENA BONHAM CARTER as AEROPE, the adulterous wife of Atreus in THE HOUSE OF ATREUS

 

PATRICIA CLARKSON as MOTHER, a drug addict parent in TRAIN TO PARADISE

 

IMOGEN POOTS as CAPTAIN TANYA DESJANI, the Captain of the titular ship in DAUNTLESS

 

EMILY VANCAMP as HANNAH ALBARN, a fanatic Christian who helps out at a Suicide Prevention group in SUICIDE IS PAINLESS

 

And the winner is…

 

EMILY VANCAMP for SUICIDE IS PAINLESS

 

Emily: Thank you so much for this award! I’d like to thank all my costars and the Coen brothers for helping me achieve this!. I'd also like to thank Kansas for making my performance look even better in comparison. Don't worry, Don;t worry, I'm joking. But really, thank you very much.

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Mike: So Servo, do you feel up to help present the next award?

 

Tom: I feel like cream cheese.

 

Mike: Sounds like a yes to me. And here to help present the award for Best Supporting Actor is Leonardo di Caprio!

 

(Leonardo di Caprio enters)

 

Leo: Thank you, Mike. My legendary quest to gain an Oscar has been well documented. However, in CAYOM, I have already achieved that goal. And today someone else may end up achieving the same as we hand out the award for Best Supporting Actor. The nominees are…

 

ROBERT CAPRON as PIGGY, a timid young fat boy stranded on an island in LORD OF THE FLIES

 

BRIAN COX as SIDNEY J. SHEINBERG, a powerful film executive in THE BATTLE FOR BRAZIL

 

CHEVY CHASE as VINCE GOTTER, an affable old man who joins a suicide pact in SUICIDE IS PAINLESS

 

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR as ARNON MILCHAN, a film producer forced to choose between his friend and his career in THE BATTLE FOR BRAZIL

 

GUY PEARCE as ATREUS, a power hungry man in Ancient Greece in THE HOUSE OF ATREUS

 

And the winner is…

 

CHIWETEL EJIOFOR for THE BATTLE FOR BRAZIL

 

Chiwetel: And that’s two years in a row! The Academy must really like me! Let’s see if I can make it three next year.

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Mike: Next up, I thought we might do something a bit different and present this award…… in soooong!!!!

 

Tom: ERROR ERROR FILE ABORT SELF DESTRUCT!!!

 

(Tom leaps off stage. A loud crash is heard.)

 

Mike: Or… not. Anyway, to present the next award, for Best Original Score, please welcome Hugh Jackman!

 

(Hugh enters)

 

Hugh: Thank you Mike. Mostly for agreeing not to sing for the rest of this award.

 

Mike: Hey, I made no promises.

 

Hugh: Anyway, a good score can really make or break a movie. What would Lord of the Rings be without that strong orchestral accompaniment? What would Jurassic Park be without John Williams’s wonderous score? And what would Birdemic be without some guy singing ‘Hanging out with the family’ for about 20 minutes? Although hopefully, we’ve got a better winner than that last one. The nominees for Best Original Score are…

 

DARIO MARIANELLI for THE HOUSE OF ATREUS

 

THOMAS NEWMAN for THE BATTLE FOR BRAZIL

 

HIROYUKI SAWANO for CYBERNETIC 7

 

JOHN WILLIAMS for STAR WARS: AGE OF THE REPUBLIC

 

HANS ZIMMER for 5CM PER SECOND

 

And the winner is…

 

HIROYUKI SAWANO for CYBERNETIC 7

 

(Hiroyuki comes on stage with a translator. He goes into a long and passionate speech in Japanese, taking turns to gesture at each of the attending crew for Cybernetic 7 and saying a few words about them. After he’s done…)

 

Translator: He says thank you.

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Mike: So Tom’s still in repairs, you say?

 

Crow: Yeah. I heard he was really broken up by John Williams losing. Heheh. And, you know, from actually being beaten up Norris/Neeson.

 

Mike: You seem remarkably chipper about the whole thing.

 

Crow: Well yeah, I got it on camera. And posted it to Youtube. Already passed 50,000,000 views. Everyone says the camera work was fantastic. Almost as if I knew and had prearranged for it to happen. But that’s just ridiculous.

 

Mike: Y-Yeah. But cinematography can make a big difference for a work. And here to present the award for Best Cinematography is Johnny Depp!

 

(Johnny enters, obviously drunk.)

 

Johnny: Yeah, hi. The nominees for Best Cinematography are…

 

THE BATTLE FOR BRAZIL

 

THE HATEFUL EIGHT REDUX

 

THE HOUSE OF ATREUS

 

LORD OF THE FLIES

 

SUICIDE IS PAINLESS

 

And the winner is…

 

THE HOUSE OF ATREUS

 

Winner: Wow! Thank you so much. But before I thank all of you, there’s something I must say. Lizard people have corrupted our governments from within! We must rise up and force them from their neon bunkers as-

 

Mike: Sorry to interrupt, but did you drink any of the punch earlier?

 

Winner: Why yes. Yes I did. Why do you ask?

 

Mike: No reason. Security! We missed one!

 

(Two burly guards haul the winner off stage.)

 

Winner: Help! Help! I’m being repressed!

 

Johnny Depp: I think I’m going to puke.

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Mike: For out next Best Picture Showcase, please welcome Samuel L. Jackson.

 

(Samuel L. Jackson enters)

 

Samuel: All right, listen up boys and girl. Hateful Eight Redux is the best film this year. Why? Because I’m in it. Do you need any more reasoning? Yes? F*ck you.

 

Mike: I don’t think you can say that on live TV.

 

(Samuel L. Jackson gives him a single look.)

 

Mike: Okay, I’ll shut up.

 

Samuel L. Jackson: So anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted, I’m proud to introduce Hateful Eight Redux for Best Picture. Because I’m in it. No other reason needed.

 

(A montage of clips from Hateful Eight Redux is shown)

 

Samuel L. Jackson: Speaking of, Hateful Eight Redux is also up for Best Original Screenplay. And it better win. Or else something very bad will happen to someone near me.

 

(Tom Servo wanders on)

 

Tom: Ugh. Hey guys, I’ve finished my repairs. What’s happening?

 

Crow:  Oh, this should be good.

 

Samuel L. Jackson: The nominees for Best Original Screenplay are…

 

THE BATTLE FOR BRAZIL

 

THE HATEFUL EIGHT REDUX

 

THE HOUSE OF ATREUS

 

SUICIDE IS PAINLESS

 

THE THIN, THE FAT AND THE FELON

 

And the winner is…

 

THE BATTLE FOR BRAZIL

 

(A furious SLJ charges towards a befuddled Tom… only to run straight past him and flying kick Crow in the face instead.)

 

SLJ: Exactly as planned.

 

Tom: Thanks for helping me get my own back on that traitorous bastard, SLJ.

 

SLJ: Happy to help a brother.

 

(Meanwhile, on the winner’s podium)

 

Winner: What the f*ck just happened?

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Mike: To present the next award , please welcome Sir Ben Kingsley!

 

(Ben Kingsley enters)

 

Ben: Thank you. It’s lovely to be here. I’ve had a long and prestigious career in my life. I’ve played Gandhi. I’ve played vampires. I’ve played vampire Gandhi’s. But I’ve so often found that the most interesting tales are those already based on something else. So it is my priveldge to present the award for Best Adapted Screenplay. The nominees are…

 

CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS THE UNDERWORLD

 

CYBERNETIC 7

 

DAUNTLESS

 

LORD OF THE FLIES

 

THIS IS NOT A GAME

 

And the winner is…

 

CYBERNETIC 7

 

Winner: Wow. I don’t know what to say. Who would’ve thought that an animated movie about Mechs would walk away with a writing award. Seriously, did anyone expect that going into this year? Hell, I didn’t expect that and I wrote the damn thing. So this is really a great honour to be recognised for our efforts.

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Sorry guys, something irritating has come up and I may need to delay the rest of the ceremony until tomorrow. I'll leave you with one last award though.

 

Mike: So Tom, you’re completely fixed up now?

 

Tom: Yeah, more or less. There are a few technical errors though. For example, I keep seeing a naked Nicholas Cage sitting in the front row.

 

Mike: Yeah, that’s not an error. That’s the real Nicholas Cage. He... He won’t leave. Or put clothes on.

 

Tom: Oh. Did he drink some of the punch?

 

Mike: Didn’t go near it.

 

Tom: Ooh…

 

Mike: Anyway, our next guest host is one of the few people on the planet who can harness Nicholas Cage’s insanity for the forces of good. Or at least the forces of the entertaining. Please welcome John Woo!

 

(John Woo enters, accompanied by a flock of doves.)

 

John Woo: Hello. Whether you’re a reserved actor or completely insane, your abilities are only as good as the director guiding you. And we have a fine selection of directors to appreciate today. The nominees for Best Director are…

 

JOEL AND ETHAN COEN  for SUICIDE IS PAINLESS

 

ANG LEE for THE HOUSE OF ATREUS

 

TERRY MCDONAUGH for THE BATTLE FOR BRAZIL

 

NICHOLAS MEYER for DAUNTLESS

 

QUENTIN TARANTINO for THE HATEFUL EIGHT REDUX

 

And the winner is…

 

ANG LEE for THE HOUSE OF ATREUS

 

Ang Lee: Thank you very much for this award. I am happy that the Academy once again recognises my skills. And I really hope Nicholas Cage puts on some pants soon.

 

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