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rukaio101

Rukaio Reviews Y10

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Lot of mixed to negative reviews? Yep, Rukaio's back and we should all be afraid.

 

Good to finally have someone who's even more consistently critical than me.

This basically sums up all you need to know about my reviews. Pray for your movies, people. Pray for them.

 

Let's start with January.

 

 

The Cube- D

 

Of interest I’m certain to Rubik Cube fanatics, but it’s difficult to sit through 87 minutes of uninteresting trivia narrated by Jessie Eisenberg’s squeaky voice.

 

 

The Call of the Revenant- C+

 

I concur with Alpha. Needed more Mecha-Hitler. Still, seeing Nazis get slaughtered by demons is never not entertaining. Kinda confused as to why you cast Benedict Cumberbatch as an American soldier though.

 

 

Two Lonely Zookeepers- C-

 

Also needed more Mecha-Hitler. Seriously though, this was fairly dire. There’s no plot, no kind of character or story arc, no real conclusion, it’s just a meandering mess of a movie. The only highlights were Cruise, who is an enjoyable actor in near anything, and the hilariously accidental sexual tension between the two leads..

 

 

Timmy’s Winter Vacation- B-

 

Not exactly bad, but it feels a lot more cookie cutter and generic than its previous installment. Also those reindeer are vengeful motherfuckers.

 

 

1989- Eh

Don’t know or care at all about Taylor Swift so I can’t exactly judge this well. I’m sure fans will eat it up though.

 

 

Ophidophobia- B-

Well, it sets out to be a stupid, goofy B-movie and it’s hard to say it doesn’t succeed. Could’ve worked better if some of the characters weren’t quite so gratingly obnoxious though.

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I'm not sure why I picked Benedict for one of the roles as the soldiers are American.

Although, Andrew Garfield and Henry Cavill hid their British accents in TASM and MoS so it's not entirely out of the question.

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And here comes February. I'm being extra complimentary this month.

 

 

Moses- D

 

Utterly and generically by the book to the point of tedium. Ten Commandments and Prince of Egypt both worked so well because they had top-notch production and went outside the simple story archetype. This is just a cookie-cutter adaptation of the bible tale and thus pales in comparison.

 

 

That was a Long Time- C-

 

Okay, so if Grant was worried Sean would screw Michalea and leave her and that would somehow damage their relationship, why didn’t he just tell Michalea this? Why did he assume stalking was the most logical step? And why did Sean then beat the crap out of him for that? And how come it’s Sean who has to make the rambling, nonsensical apology speech to Grant while Grant doesn’t have to apologise in the slightest for stalking Sean on his date and generally having no faith in him? Come to think about it, there are quite a few moments where Grant comes off as fairly unsympathetic. His constant badgering of Kori to split up with her boyfriend obviously so he can get into her pants comes off as fairly creepy rather than romantic.

 

Still, it’s at least somewhat competently made and I am also one of the numerous people in this game with a fondness for Emily Blunt, so it doesn’t quite get a D.

 

 

The Disappointment- F

 

Well, that third act went completely off the rails. Seriously, I can only assume it was supposed to be deliberately over-the-top and stupid, but it really doesn’t work because the first two acts weren’t anything like that, thus this comes too far out of left field to be funny.

 

 

The Executioner- C

 

A stale, warmed-over Death Wish wannabe. Not even Jason Statham can elevate this above average.

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And here's March.

 

 

Black Friday- C

 

C&p's don't get any higher than a C from me. Thems me rules.

 

 

Second to Singapore- B-

 

Fairly stupid and illogical in places, even for a stoner comedy, but has a fun sense of goofiness that makes up for it.

 

 

Rhino Riders- D

 

A strange mix of an insane premise and a cliché bland storyline stretched over a 90+ minute film. Really, this feels like it should be an episode of an animated tv show. It’d still be blander than cardboard, but it would at least make some kind of sense.

 

 

On a Mountain- B

 

Narmy as all fuck, but I’d be lying if I wasn’t fairly entertained.

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Finally got around to finishing off April. You really think it wouldn't have taken this long, considering there are only 3 films there that I didn't write (discounting Scrooge McDuck), but eh.

 

 

Russian Roulette- C

 

Wiki C&P’s don’t get higher than a C from me.

 

 

Crusader- B+

 

Unsurprisingly, Numbers does it again with another quality Liam Neeson flick. Certainly, it does feel a touch bloated in places and the pacing isn’t fantastic (especially around the climax which goes on rather too long), but it’s still head and shoulders above most movies.

 

I do have to admit though, I was disappointed at the lack of resolution with Hagen and at Siegfried’s homeland. Honestly, it feels like you could clip that entire first third away and the movie would be no worse off for it.

 

 

Daisy Lemonade- D

 

This felt intelligence insultingly stupid, even for a kids movie.

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Welp, Tri 2 is over, time to get started on those Summer films with my May reviews.

 

On the Record- B-

 

Fairly harmless musical romp. I do think things got cleaned up far too easily though.

 

 

Forty-Five Seconds of Glory- B

 

I think you mean ‘disprove Hitler’s theory of Aryan Superiority. Aside from that, a fairly interesting, if a bit light, biopic.

 

 

Attack of the Movies- C

 

An interesting idea that I think was a bit overstretched to fill an entire movie. Plus I think it plays itself too silly with names like ‘Scwartzboner’ and ‘Wisconsin Butter Knife Massacre’ when a premise like this works better if it’s played at least a little bit straight (like Shaun of the Dead).

 

 

Shia LaBeouf: The Movie- Whyevendoesthisexist?

 

Seriously, why? And why did you think 3870 theatres would accept it? As it is, it’s only a collection of lukewarm stereotypes that have already been played to death on any internet message board ever. I wasn’t fond of Attack of the Movies, but it’s a better movie-based comedy than this.

 

 

City Launcher/World Builder- D

 

I’m going to say it outright here, this is one of the rare occasions where Liam Neeson was a terrible choice for the lead. You want someone much younger here if this is supposed to be a character learning about the outside world. If things have fallen as far as is claimed, you’d probably struggle to have a character Neeson’s age survive that long, yet alone still be living with his mother.

 

As it is, the premise is kind of wasted here. It would’ve been fascinating to see this culture grow and make its own paths and innovations. Instead they just C&P our current world and culture. And there seems no real sense of struggle as they reinvent this stuff. The struggle of getting the materials to build this stuff, the constant testing, the launching of satellites to retrieve the Internet, there's none of that. They just do all offscreen. Also, there’s no real kind of stakes, tension, antagonistic force or satisfying climax here. It just kinda ends.

 

Runaway Man- C

 

Okay, ignoring the fact that I had to look up what a ‘Blood set’ and ‘Crips’ were, it’s a fairly standard filler. Nothing fantastic, but nothing terrible.

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I’m going to say it outright here, this is one of the rare occasions where Liam Neeson was a terrible choice for the lead.

 

You are going to fucking kill me for The Parade then. It has an infinitely worse choice for the lead who was only added because no other famous actor fit the archetype I wanted.

 

It would’ve been fascinating to see this culture grow and make its own paths and innovations.

 

I will admit that I wrote CL/WB in an hour as a filler in case there wasn't enough movies for the trimester (which ended up being true). If I had spent more time on it I certainly would have gone in the direction you are suggesting, and added some actual conflict.

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Sorry I'm touch slow this trimester. Since my Uni course has started up again I've been a bit busy. Anyway though, onto June's reviews.

 

 

All Kinds of Bull- C-

 

Overly melodramatic to the point of unintentional comedy. It’s never a good sign if a supposed drama ends up reminding me of a Mitchell and Webb sketch.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UxmhQj0lWJ8

 

 

The Lazy River Squad- sigh

 

stupid-idea.jpg?w=640

 

Day of the Tentacle- C

 

Well, at least the movie doesn’t hesitate to throw us in at the deep end...

 

Seriously, it feels like the sort of movie where I missed the previous entry. Characters appear and disappear without rhyme or reason and the pacing is all over the place. Still, I wasn't bored so I guess that's something.

 

 

The Throne of Fire- B

 

Not as overly long as its predecessor and with a fair few fun set pieces. Pacing does feel a bit off though and some interesting aspects and challenges are basically skipped over. Still enjoyable though.

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That's because the video game it's based on is a sequel.

 

Never played Maniac Mansion personally, but that game doesn't lend itself to a film since there's something like 9 different character stories to try out.

 

 

 

I rushed a 90% wiki C&P for Tentacle. If I had known there was going to be the bonus extension, I would have gone back and put more work into it. But I forgot.

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Okay, finished writing up reviews for July and August. You be may begin panicking now. Let's start with July.

 

 

The Parade- C

 

Harmless but largely unimpressive comedy fare.

 

 

2 Sharkz- F

 

Aims for ‘So Bad it’s Good’. Ends with ‘So Bad Please Kill it with Fire’.

 

 

The Girl with the Red Dress- D+

 

As a rule, if you want to make a horror movie about a creepy little girl, try casting someone who looks 8-10ish rather Alexandra Daddario. Also don’t cast Kevin James as your lead. Just… don’t.

 

 

A Love Worth Killing For- C-

 

The first movie in this series was one of my favourites of Y8. This was… kind of a big disappointment in multiple ways. The first movie worked because it had a simple story told well and we got to see visible growth in the characters. In this movie, that growth has been cut out to make room for ‘wacky hijinks’ which, outside of the opening sequence, are rarely that funny. Mostly because the jokes largely rely on the characters swearing all the time. And it really doesn’t work. Swears in writing are like a spice. Sometimes, if added correctly, they can bolster a statement, but unless you’re Quentin Tarantino, if you use them all the fucking time, people are going to get sick of them.

 

Also so much of the movie feels like an excuse plot to get these characters into these ‘wacky hijinks’ rather than feeling in any way natural. As a result, the pacing, which was spot on in the first film, is all over the place here with an out-of-nowhere drug smuggling plot coming in the second half.

 

I’ll admit, the movie does have some good moments (like the opening or the animatronic shootout) but overall, it was kind of a bust. And it feels entirely superfluous. This doesn’t add anything to the characters or first film at all. It was just a disappointment.

 

 

Peter and the Starcatchers- C

 

An fairly poor origin story for the Peter Pan mythos which completely misses the point and themes of the book. Still, it looks pretty so I’ll it give some slack.

 

Also, Ethan, why did you make this PG-13? You’re going to end up missing a hell of a lot of family money.

 

 

The Line- A

 

Top notch adaptation of a top notch story. One of the best of the year. Really well done, Numbers.

 

 

Sam Smith: Stay with Me- ?

 

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Seriously, I have no idea who this guy is outside that he did the most recent Bond song. So I can’t really review this. Blame my inability to keep up with popular music.

 

 

The Wedding Prey- D

 

<Insert casting WTF here> 

 

 

The Scarecrow- B

 

Fairly standard but enjoyable detective story.

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And here's August. At this point, I kinda regret not throwing in my fillers after all. They'd probably have made a killing.

 

 

The Departure- B

 

While I think the open ending didn’t work particularly well, it was still a fairly enjoyable psychological horror.

 

 

The Raven Boys- D

 

Sigh. I’ll admit the movie had me intrigued early on with the whole ghosts and ‘killing true love’ thing but it quickly devolved into boring teenage drama with no sense of pacing and no real payoff to most of the questions brought up.

 

 

My Favourite Scientist- C

 

Meh. Bit of a wasted opportunity to play with the whole magic/science contrast. It’s still passable though.

 

 

Loony Ben- F

 

I don’t think there’s a single possible way you can make two people deliberately wasting $400m sympathetic. Also utterly forced and unnecessary romance alert.

 

 

Terminal Red- WTF?

 

No seriously, wtf was that? I’ve not seen such levels of horror movie inconceivability since Bloodbath Unite.

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Alright, I should probably know better than this especially since I realize the film is a shitty filler, but I don't see what's so awful about my casting. ScarJo has played older, and the only characters Lupita has played are characters in their early 20s. I have a film in development where Lupita would play someone in her young 20s again. She looks young, and ScarJo can play old without being miscast, unlike, say, J-Law.

 

It just seems like an odd thing for everyone to caught up on as the main complaint for me. Call it offensive or half-assed, but the casting seems like an odd complaint to me.

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Alright, I should probably know better than this especially since I realize the film is a shitty filler, but I don't see what's so awful about my casting. ScarJo has played older, and the only characters Lupita has played are characters in their early 20s. I have a film in development where Lupita would play someone in her young 20s again. She looks young, and ScarJo can play old without being miscast, unlike, say, J-Law.

 

It just seems like an odd thing for everyone to caught up on as the main complaint for me. Call it offensive or half-assed, but the casting seems like an odd complaint to me.

 

Casting is pretty important though. If the main characters aren't portrayed right, the movie loses a big foundation.

 

Also, Lupita is a year and a half older than ScarJo.

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