Blankments' How the James Stole Star Wars, A BOT Christmas-ish Tale

[Blankments]

December 24, 2035.

 

*Snow falls as we move into a house. We see a family of four, sitting on a couch, looking at the Christmas tree next to a television in utter glory.*

 

Claire Holt: Dad, I don’t understand why we always wait until Christmas Eve to put up the tree.

 

Blankments: Well, Claire, it’s because I’ve always procrastinated on stuff.

 

Sam: That’s why I had to ask him to marry me!

 

*Blankments and Sam chuckle. Claire Holt rolls her eyes, but Ethan looks at his father.*

 

Ethan Hunt: Why do we celebrate Christmas, daddy?

 

Blankments: Well, son, it’s because…

 

Sam: Forget Christmas, kids! Star Wars Episode XVII comes out tomorrow!

 

Claire Holt+Ethan Hunt: Sweet!!!

 

Claire Holt: I heard my goddess plays the lead this go-around.

 

Ethan Hunt: I’m just trying to figure out “The Ominous Being” means.

 

Blankments: Wouldn’t you guys rather talk about Chris-

 

Claire Holt: No, Dad. Christmas is a stupid and outdated holiday compared to the release of a new Star Wars film.

 

Ethan Hunt: Yeah, I used to be iffy on Star Wars but the new ones have really turned me around.

 

Sam: You know honey, I remembered twenty years ago, when The Force Awakens first came out.

 

*Blankments chuckles.*

 

Blankments: Oh yes. That was an interesting time around these parts.

 

Ethan Hunt: What do you mean, daddy?

 

Blankments: Oh, it’s a long story.

 

Claire Holt: It’d be better than watching “A Christmas Story” for the eighteenth time.

 

*The television has been blaring “A Christmas Story” on TBS for about a week now.*

 

Sam: Come on, sweetie. You can tell them.

 

Blankments: Alright, I’ll tell you all…

 

HOW THE JAMES STOLE STAR WARS

 

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This is a bit of a prologue for what I'm finishing up. Still got edit parts of it, but yeah, I'm writing this forum story for the Star Wars hype. Woooo

[Jandrew]

Wheres Jandrew?

[James]

Phahahahahaha. [emoji23]

[Ethan Hunt]

Nice 

 

Not sure how about I feel about my supposed conversion to the church of Star Wars

[Blankments]

29 minutes ago, jandrew said:

Wheres Jandrew?

As I mentioned in the Classic Convo thread, most members in this will make one line action description cameos as the format of the Grinch does not really allow multiple characters (BECAUSE FUCK THE LIVE ACTION VERSION).

[Kalo]

This will be interesting. I better be directing Star Wars Ep XVII. 

[DAJK]

8 minutes ago, Kalo said:

This will be interesting. I better be directing Star Wars Ep XVII. 

I better be starring in it

[department store basement]

Who plays Max?

[DAJK]

7 minutes ago, department store basement said:

Who plays Max?

More importantly, what godly figure can we give to rth?

[Blankments]

If you guys are expecting me to write out Episode XXVII, you're sorely mistaken :P

[Claire of Themyscira]

I'm not the lead? Count me out of the promo tour, Blanks.

 

[Blankments]

14 minutes ago, DAJK said:

More importantly, what godly figure can we give to rth?

Rth is not appearing in this atm. I have a different member in mind for a godly role tho

[Spidey Freak]

2 minutes ago, Blankments said:

Rth is not appearing in this atm. I have a different member in mind for a godly role tho

 

Rhymes with Smellymentos?

[Claire of Themyscira]

2 minutes ago, Blankments said:

Rth is not appearing in this at the moment. I have a different member in mind for a godly role though.

Thank you, babe. It's about time I start getting the roles I deserve.

 

[Blankments]

*December 16, 2015. Snow falls onto BOTville, as its streets are bustling with hype for Star Wars. Seasonal music plays. We see a long line of people at the theater waiting to watch The Force Awakens. The line starts with one man: baumer, but by the end of the first verse, its 40 members long.*

 

All: Star Wars Seven, Force Awakens

Welcome Star Wars, one more night

Luke Skywalker, old Han Solo

Welcome them for theaters bright

 

*Spidey Freak and iJack purchase their tickets, hand in hand.*

 

Welcome Star Wars, J.J. Abrams

Welcome Star Wars, John Williams

Welcome Star Wars, while we stand

Feet in line and tickets in hand

 

*Jump back to October 19. Members are refreshing pages excitingly for tickets.*

 

Purchase the seats with Star Wars hype

Like Wookie calls and R2’s type

 

*Posters are released, along with new trailers, and weird merchandising.

 

Trim up the town with tease posters

And good trailers, brand coasters

 

*Week after week of disappointing box office returns arrive.*

 

Forget every Mockingjay and also every Craig’s James Bond

Hang up BOT’s hyped films since Star Wars kills them beyond!

 

*Ticket sales dominate for multiple months.*

 

Get tickets for the IMAX

Pile purchases on the Thurs

 

*Old members such as Jandrew and ddddeeee returns to the boards to great cheer.*

 

Get every Star Wars figure on the Star Wars Force Friday

Star Wars comes tomorrow, for you, for me!

 

*SirTiki and PanaMovie watch a YouTube video where Carrie Fisher comments on Slave Leia.*

 

Throw out your phone for a new Droid

And as for slave Leia, excuse’s Freud

 

*Back to the line. Now practically every member is in line for the film*

 

Grab up your uncle and your aunt

With plans for Star Wars day…

 

*Pull back to a mountain, where we see a gym at the very top.*

 

Blankments (voice-over): Every fan down in BOTville liked Star Wars a lot

But the James who lived just North of BOTville did not!

 

*James begins flexing his muscles into a mirror*

 

That James hated Star Wars! The whole Star Wars franchise!

Now, please don't ask why. That query could be unwise.

It just could be that his muscles were too tight.

It could be his head didn't attach to the hype.

But I think that the most likely reason of all:

His connection to the Force was two sizes too small.

 

*James exits the gym to look down at the town.*

 

But, whatever the reason, his heart or his head,

He stood on that evening wishing to drop dead,

Staring down from his cave with a sour, James frown

At the warm lighted windows below in their town,

 

*#ED walks out, to look down at the town, wishing to be join in the line*

 

For he knew every fan down in BOTville beneath

Was now for hyping Hollywood bequeath.

 

*James picks up #ED, pissed.*

 

James: And they're rewatching those oldies.

 

Blankments: He snarled with a sneer.

 

James: Tomorrow is Star Wars! It's practically here!

 

Blankments: Then he growled, with his muscley fingers sexily drumming,

 

James: I must find some way to keep Star Wars from coming!

 

*James imagines what might happen. The lines break through and everyone enters the theater.*

 

For, tomorrow, throughout all the village’s streets,

Fans will storm bright and early. They'll rush for their seats!

And then! Oh, the joy! Oh, the joy! Joy! Joy! Joy!

There's one thing I hate! All the joy! Joy! Joy! Joy!

 

*Coolio and Chewy holds hands excited for the film, as rallax watches from his office.*

 

And they'll grab some concessions, making awful character impressions.

 

*BKB tries to impersonate Chewbacca, annoying DAJK, who is running the concession stand alone.*

 

They'll grab popcorn and drinks, now all their possessions.

 

*Spaghetti and Dexter walk in with a large popcorn and drink.*

 

They'll flaunt their obsessions. They'll ignore their digressions.

 

*The Futurist wears a shirt with J-Law on it, ignoring the glares of those around him.*

 

They'll forget all discretions. The Big Short’s about the Recession!            

 

*The Panda buys a ticket to The Big Short, but it comes out as Star Wars. He smiles bigger, having thought Star Wars was sold out.*

 

They'll ask none of their questions. They'll parade worldly possessions.

 

*Empire gives likes to everyone there. Cheers!*

 

They'll pray for no transgressions. They'll forget all depression.

 

*Treeroy smiles at everyone around. Kalo gives her a hug as they walk into the theater together*

 

And they'll play trivial games like “Name that Movie Line”,

 

*Jack Nevada gets all right before the trivia question even pops up.*

 

A boring old game of movie storylines!

 

*Numbers reads on his phone the Thrawn trilogy while he waits.*

 

And then they'll make ear-splitting noises like it’s an art

 

*Tele walks in with Mrs. Tele and Tele Jr., ready for the enjoyment.*

 

A couple of minutes before it starts!

 

*Everyone starts a drumroll.*

 

Then the fans, young and old, will sit down to trailer watch.

 

*Alpha and Water Bottle stare at the screen sitting next to each other.*

 

And they'll watch! And they'll watch! And they'll WATCH! WATCH! WATCH! WATCH!

 

*CJohn eats way too much popcorn at one time, coughing. Jayhawk slaps his back.*

 

They'll watch Star Trek Beyond, and Fantastic Beasts,

 

*ShawnMR looks around nervously then cheers the Star Trek trailer.*

 

Fantastic Beasts should be with a film that’s not worth the least!

 

*WrathOfHan boos the Fantastic Beasts trailer*

 

And then they'll do something I hate most of all!

 

*Every member gasps as the final trailer ends.*

 

Every fan in the theater, the tall and the small,

 

*They are told to turn off their cell phone.*

 

They'll sit close together, with cell phone silenced ringing.

 

*Everyone turns off their phone. Daniel Dylan Davis fumbles with his phone, and department store basement shushes him.*

 

They'll sit hand-in-hand, and those fans will start singing!

 

All: John Boyega, Daisy Ridley

Welcome Star Wars! Start this way

Long time ago, far far away

Welcome Star Wars, Star Wars, hey

Welcome, welcome, Kylo Ren

Welcome, welcome, Poe Dameron

Force Awakens, please commence

For our hype has kept us in suspense

Star Wars Seven, Force Awakens...

 

*#ED thinks about the music, appropriately hyped. James won’t have any of it.*

 

James: And they'll sing! And they'll sing! And they'd SING! SING! SING! SING!

 

Blankments: And the more that James thought of this fanboy hype sing,

The more that James thought,

 

James: I must stop this whole thing!

 

*James pushes #ED into the snow.*

 

Why for more than three years I've put up with it now!

I must stop Star Wars from coming! But how?

 

*#ED gets up with snow in his eyes.*

 

Blankments: Then he got an idea! An awful idea!

That James got a wonderful, awful idea!

 

*James and #ED enter the gym.*

 

James: I know just what to do!

 

Blankments: Oh, James laughed till it hurt.

 

James: I'll make J.J. Abrams’ glasses and his shirt.

 

*He starts making the glasses and shirt*

 

Blankments: And he chuckled, and clucked,

 

James: I’m the perfect defector!

With glasses and this shirt, I'll look just like the director!

 

*#ED and James start making the clothes together.*

 

Blankments: You're a mean one, Mr. James. You really are a troll.

You're as cuddly as a Noctis. You're as charming as some coal.

Mr. James! You would watch The Interview from Northern Seoul!

You're a monster, Mr. James. You require CGI.

Your brain has odd deciders. You've got taste like Mortdecai.

Mr. James! I wouldn't go with you to Transcendence or Last Samurai!

 

*James gets dressed and now looks like a very muscular J.J. Abrams.*

 

James: All I need is a Stormtrooper.

 

Blankments: Now, James looked around.

But since Stormtroopers aren’t real, there was none to be found.

Did that stop that James? Hah! No, James simply said,

 

James: If I can't find a Stormtrooper, I'll make one instead!

 

*James welds a Stormtrooper hat together and hands it to #ED*

 

Blankments: So he took his friend #ED, and he took some black thread.

And he tied a big helmet on top of his head.

Then he loaded some bags and some old snacky bread

On a ramshackle car and he whistled for #ED.

 

*#ED and James beginning blaring Bane Star as they drive down.*

 

Then that James said

 

James: Let’s roll!

 

Blankments: And the car started fine

Toward the theaters, as fans lay a-snooze in their line.

[Ezen Baklattan]

Lol, throwback to when stories were all the craze on BOM, haha.

 

These are always so fun to read, Blank! Nice job!

[Jayhawk the Hutt]

Great job Blank! I got to slap CJohn so I'm happy about that (on the back, but still).

[WrathOfHan]

"You're as cuddly as a Noctis." 

 

Speaking of Fantastic Beasts, that trailer better not be a letdown. What if this is all a prophecy by Blanks?  

[Fancyarcher]

Brilliant stuff. Love it. 

[CaptainJackSparrow]

A great Christmas read!