Blankments' How the James Stole Star Wars, A BOT Christmas-ish Tale

[James]

Haha. You're brilliant Blanks [emoji23] I like the prequels tho. But making this must've been so much work, rhymes and all. Great job!

[Blankments]

Blankments: All their windows were dark. No one knew he was there.

All those fans were all dreaming sweet dreams without care

When he came to the biggest theatre known as the Box Office Square.

 

*#ED and James sneak toward the line.*

 

James: This is our first stop.

 

Blankments: The old Jamesy Abrams hissed,

As he got out of the car, empty bags in his fist.

 

*James tiptoes past Giesi and TalismanRing.*

 

Then he snuck past the crowd, through rather tight frames.

But if J.J. could do it, then so could that James.

 

*#ED watches the car and the crowd to make sure no one awakes.*

 

He got stuck only once, for a minute or four.

Then he stuck his head through the push-pull door

Where the character posters hung all in a row.

 

James: These posters,

 

Blankments: He Jamesed.

 

James: Are the first things to go!

 

*James tears down all the character posters, despising them all.*

 

Blankments: Then he slithered and slunk, with a smile lacking emotion,

Around the whole room, and he took all the promotion!

Posters, teaser trailers, theatrical, and toys!

Death Stars, lightsabers, buttons, no noise!

 

*#ED watches in worry.*

 

And he stuffed them in bags. Then that James, very sore,

Stuffed all the bags, one by one, out the front doors.

 

*#ED takes the bags to the car as he watches.*

 

You're a cruel one, Mr. James. You liked Jupiter a lot-er!

 

*James walks over to the arcade, and grabs a cuestick.*

 

You have all the tender film taste of a member named Water.

 

*James takes the cuestick, and hits a BB-8 stand, knocking over a bunch of life-sized Star Wars standees.*

 

Mr. James! Given the choice between the two of you I'd take the member named Water!

You're a plotter, Mr. Grinch. Your like count’s extremely low.

 

*James takes the stairs up to the roof, where a Death Star disco ball is hanging from.*

 

Your heart's a dead Hulkbuster splotched with rusty brown spots.

 

*James drops the Death Star lightly, shattering it into a million pieces.*

 

Mr. James! You're a three decker Paul Blart and Adam Sandler sandwich with Michael Bay sauce!

 

*James exits the theaters, and lightly takes all the lightsabers from AndyLL, Impact, and Tribefan, who are sleeping with it. He goes back to the theater and…*

 

Then he slunk to the snack bar. He took all the drinks!

He took all the popcorn! Pre-empting their hijinks!

He cleaned out that stand as quick as a fox.

Why, that James even took the last Junior Mints box!

Then he stuffed all the food out the front doors real quick.

 

James: Now…

 

Blankments: Jammed the James.

 

James: I will get rid of the flick!

 

*James runs up to the projection booth, loading up the folder with all the films on it. He moves his cursor to episode VII*

 

Blankments: As that James took the film, as he started to delete,

He heard a small sound like the steps of a feet.

He turned around, and he saw an admin!

Missy k1stpierre, who was drinking a gin.

She stared at that James and said.

 

k1stpierre: Mr. Abrams, why,

Why are you taking our Star Wars movie? Why?

 

*James begins biting his fingers nervously at the woman in front of him.*

 

Blankments: But, you know, that old James was so smart and so slick,

He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!

 

James: Why, my sweet little girl…

 

Blankments: The fake J.J. ‘Brams lied.

 

James: There's a hilt on this film that won't light on one side.

So I'm taking it home to my production studio, dear.

I'll fix it up there, then I'll bring it back here.

 

Blankments: And his fib fooled the girl. Then he patted her head,

And she felt his abs, and he sent her home instead.

And when Miss Kelli was gone with her gin…

Clicked the film file and drug it to Recycle Bin!

Then he went out the front doors himself, the old liar.

And the last thing he took was the stand for D-BOX.

On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some clocks.

And the one speck of food that he left in the booth

Was a crumb that was even too small for a youth.

Then he did the same thing to the movie theaters,Leaving crumbs much too small to be measured by meters!

 

You nauseate me, Mr. James, with a nauseous super mus’!

 

*James grabs a Mickey Mouse stand with a bunch of lightsabers.*

 

You're a sexy dirty jockey and you drive a buckled bus.

 

*James destroys a Millennium Falcon coin-op ride.*

 

Mr. Grinch! Your body is an appealing hunk heap overflowing with the most beautiful assortment of ruggedness imaginable mangled up in tangled up thoughts!

 

*James eats some candy shaped like R2D2 and C3PO.*

 

You're a foul one, Mr. James. You don’t wear deodorant.

 

*At an IMAX with a 70MM print, James rips the film all up.*

 

Your heart is full of tumbled rocks. Your soul fails to enchant.

 

*James changes all the film showtimes from Star Wars to Alvin 4.*

 

Mr. James! The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote, "Wretched, scum, villainy"!

[James]

I'm so BAAAAD! Mwhahaha[emoji41] I almost feel bad for doing all this.... nahhh.[emoji48]

[Blankments]

*James and #ED begin putting everything in the car*

 

Blankments: It was quarter of dawn. The fans sleeping afar,

All members still a-snooze, when he packed up his car,

Packed it up with their posters, their sabers, their toys,

Their stands and their fave droids, their candy to enjoys!

 

*The car drives up the mountain to the IMDB board above his gym.*

 

Ten thousand miles out, on the site of IMDB,

He rode with his load to the boards make it debris!

 

*#ED looks down at the town, seeing how high up they are. He gulps, not wanting to leave MrPink as a Christopher Nolan protagonist.*

 

James: Pooh-pooh to the loons!

 

Blankments: He was sexily humming.

 

James: They're finding out now that no Star Wars is coming!

Entering theaters, I know just what they'll do!

Their mouths will hang open a minute or two

Then the fans down in BOTville will all cry boo-hoo!

That's a noise…

 

Blankments: Jangled that James.

 

James: That I simply must hear!

 

Blankments: He paused, and that James put a hand to his ear.

 

*Everyone is dejected. They can’t watch Star Wars?*

 

And he did hear a sound rising over the web.

 

*BoxOfficeZ, knowing what they’re missing, whispers something to rallax. Rallax nods and CaptainJackSparrow comes out to let everyone in.*

 

It started to flow, then it started to ebb.

 

*A New Hope’s opening crawl begins. Everyone in town has decided to watch the despecialized edition in theaters instead.*

 

All: The first Star Wars, A New Hope

Welcome Star Wars! Here today

Thank you Lucas, Thank you Spielberg

Welcome Star Wars, Star Wars, yay!

 

Welcome, welcome, Carrie Fisher

Welcome, welcome, saber swishers!

Star Wars is within our grasp

So long as we have seats to clasp

 

Blankments: But this sound wasn't sad!

Why, this sound sounded glad!

 

*James looks down confused at the theater, which is fully happy and cheering.*

 

Every fan down in BOTville, the tall and the small,

 

*Gopher and Dashrendar hug each other.*

 

Was singing without a new movie at all!

 

*DAR smiles to Jay Salahi.*

 

He hadn't stopped Star Wars from coming! It came!

 

*lab276 sits with DamienRoc.*

 

Somehow or other, it came just the same!

 

*Every member in the theaters (which is every member on these fine boards) cheer at the screen.”

 

And that James, with his strong feet ice-cold in the snow,

Stood puzzling and puzzling.

 

James: How could it be so?

 

*James grabs #ED.*

 

It came without posters! Everything was taken!

It came without The Force Awakens!

 

Blankments: He wreaked and wracked till his wreaker was sore.

Then that James thought of something he hadn't before.

Maybe Star Wars, he thought, had a pretty good score.

Maybe Star Wars, perhaps, just wasn't a bore!

 

*#ED leans in the car, happy for James’ revelation. Unfortunately, the car begins to fall backwards into the IMDB pit, with #ED falling too. James runs after it…*

 

And what happened then? Well, in BOTville they say

That that James’ fond Force grew three sizes that day!

 

*James grabs the car and #ED and benchpresses them both.*

 

And then the true meaning of Star Wars came through,

And that James found the strength of ten Jameses, plus two!

 

*#ED and James get in the car, and drive down to BOTville.*

 

And now that his heart didn't feel quite so tight,

He whizzed with his load through the bright morning light

With a smile to his heart, he descended IMDB’s-hub

Cheerily blowing

 

James: Loon! Loon!

 

Blankments: On his Yub Nub.

He rode into BOTville. He brought back their toys.

He brought back their merch to the fans’ to make noise.

He brought back their drinks and their posters and buttons,

Brought back their popcorn, their candy for gluttons.

He brought everything back, and he went to projectionist’s booth!

And he, he himself, that James restored the film’s youth!

 

*James, Kelli, #ED, and MrPink all sit in a row at the Star Wars: The Force Awakens premiere, surrounded by all the members of BoxOfficeTheory.*

 

Welcome Star Wars. Bring your cheer,

Cheer to all film fans, far and near.

 

*The trailers begin, and James smiles widely at the Fantastic Beasts trailer.*

 

Star Wars 7 is in our grasp

So long as we have hands to grasp.

 

*Everyone is told to turn off their phones, and promptly does so.*

 

Star Wars love will always be

Just as long as we have we.

 

*As the Lucasfilm logo appears, we exit the theater to see snow beautifully falling.*

 

Welcome Star Wars while we stand

Feet in line and tickets in hand.

 

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

*Blankments looks around. Claire Holt and Ethan Hunt fell asleep sometime during the story. Sam winks at Blankments.*

 

Sam: You know what that means, don’t you?

 

*Blankments grabs a belt.*

 

Blankments: Oh yes.

 

*Sam exits the room as Blankments puts on his belt. Sam comes back with 10PM premiere tickets to Star Wars Episode XVII: The Ominous Being.*

 

Sam: Alright, it starts in 40 minutes. We’re meeting James and Kelli there.

 

Blankments: Hope the kids aren’t upset we saw it without them.

 

Sam: We’ll watch it with them tomorrow, remember? Let’s head out, sweetie.

 

Blankments: Sounds great, dear.

 

*The two put on coats and exit the house, prepared to take in the new Christmas tradition of loving new Star Wars films. The camera flies up to view snow falling as they pull out of their driveway.*

 

 

[WrathOfHan]

[James]

SW not a bore... eh... [emoji23] I'll actually pay the price of an IMAX 3D ticket and convinced my brother (who refuses to see SW because 'it is for nerds') and my best friend to join. So... SW is love, SW is life.

[eddyxx]

That was great.

[TalismanRing]

 

Mr. James! You're a three decker Paul Blart and Adam Sandler sandwich with Michael Bay sauce!