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Xillix

Xillix' Critical Reviews, Y1

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I'll be going month by month doing "pull quotes" for reviews; one or two sentence blurbs of the kind you'd find next to a score on RottenTomatoes or Metacritic. Then I'll assign a rating from a half star to five stars. Please note - I've decided to sort of "play a role" here and emulate a mainstream critic more closely than I normally would. As such the quotes and scores here will not necessarily be accurate reflections of how I personally feel about each film, especially the B-movies.

 

JANUARY

 

Killer Plane

“A tone-deaf, tasteless, contrived thriller that doesn't even have the decency to unleash the usual big-budget Bayhem spectacle. This was dumped in January for a reason, folks.”

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Ophidiophobia

“It has the right idea in not taking itself seriously, and the effects are far better than the film deserves – but it's not scary and only sporadically funny, and the whole thing feels like it belongs on basic cable, not theatre screens.”

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Lake of the Psychopaths

“The ridiculous premise is played too straight, and it doesn't have as much power to shock as it should, but there's plenty of guts for the gorehounds and production values are above average. A step above the usual January horror flick, but that's damning it with faint praise.”

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Timmy's Winter Vacation

“A generic but good-hearted and reasonably entertaining family flick that kids in the single digits will probably adore. Destined for a long life on the Disney Channel.”

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SOMA

"Atmospheric and visually arresting, with some solid concepts at its core. Unfortunately, it's severely hampered by a structure consisting of numerous fetch-quests, giving the feeling of watching someone else play the video game."

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Battle: Mars

“The story has been done a million times before, but rarely with such a lack of creativity and visual splendor or such an amateurish look and feel. Just stay home and pop in Pocahontas for the kids.”

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FEBRUARY

 

White Jerseys

"Unremarkable but solid enough for what it is - chances are, if you're interested in it already, you'll like it. If not, there's nothing here to convince you."

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Mirror's Edge

“Another day, another video game movie that's all flash and no substance, with a twisty but unimaginative plot and thin characters. Still, the visuals are fantastic and the action is exhilarating, making this acceptable popcorn fare.”

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Poison and Wine

"Pulpy, melodramatic homoerotica that, if past successes are any indication, will likely find a large and receptive audience willing to overlook its contrived and silly plotting in exchange for a bit of taboo titillation."

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The SCP Foundation

"Deftly mixing dark humor and sheer terror, this is the kind of chilling horror anthology we all thought they just didn't make anymore."

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Best Friends Forever

"Savage and disturbing, and a worthwhile shocker despite some sloppy plotting and never quite reaching the delirious highs it seems to hint at."

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Runaway: A Road Adventure

"The plot is muddled and the movie is overlong, but there are some decent jokes and a handful of exciting set-pieces. It's lesser Feig, but it turns out lesser Feig is still not too bad."

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MARCH

 

Rendezvous with Rama

"A classic of science fiction literature, Rama sadly doesn't translate well to the screen. There's never been much of a plot here, and seeing the alien wonders depicted explicitly through admittedly gorgeous effects work steals away the thrill of imagination the book so readily conjured."

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Jim's Adversity

"A competently-constructed true-life sports drama, but one that's dry enough not to be of interest to anyone who isn't already a major fan of the sport or of Eisenreich personally."

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Jungles

"It's a well-lensed nature documentary to be sure - and thankfully a fairly swift, brief one - but there's nothing here you can't see at home on the Discovery Channel."

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Second Wind

"A pleasantly diverting popcorn flick with enough laughs and excitement to pass the time agreeably despite its thin plot."

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The Adventures of Oscar Pill

"Quirky and fun, this film - obviously intended as a franchise-starter - is light on plot but big on heart. It's a mediocre effort overall, spending too much time on setup, but suggests far more interesting installments to come should it succeed at the box office."

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Seeing Her

"An inventive, affecting story that successfully brings genuine emotion into a fantastical setting. Balances humor, drama, and hope with laudable skill."

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Rabbids: The Big Adventure

"Though it might be suitable for very young children, the fact of the matter is that the computer-generated 'stars' of Rabbids are intolerably irritating for anyone who's graduated elementary school."

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APRIL

 

Salem's Lot

"A lifeless, by-the-numbers King adaptation that fails to chill or lend its characters any depth. It's as if Lussier is adapting the book's Wikipedia summary instead of the tome itself."

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Second to Singapore

"Ludicrous, over-the-top, and mildly incoherent - which is, of course, exactly what the audience is looking for. It's not for everyone, but it does what it sets out to do with aplomb."

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A Love to Die For

"Contrived, implausible, and sloppily-plotted, but for the most part able to coast along on the talent and chemistry of its stars. Wait for it to hit HBO."

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PЯom

"A surprisingly eventful and endearing comedy that exceeds expectations and transcends the usual teeny-bopper fare."

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MAY

 

The Adventures of Scrooge McDuck

"A fun, family-friendly adventure that faithfully captures the wit and charm of the classic series. The first family film of the year that's almost guaranteed to entertain the WHOLE family - not just the tykes."

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Chrono Trigger

"Simultaneously overlong and rushed, this video game movie is ruined by a slavish adherence to its source material and egregious miscasting. The story structure is totally unsuitable for a feature film and simply cannot fit into its allotted runtime, and as a result, those unfamiliar with the game will be left completely bewildered as the unyielding torrent of side characters, macguffins and lore references drown them in incomprehensibility."

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Mara, Daughter of the Nile

"A surprisingly involving romance with a strong dose of suspense and lavish production design."

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Blood and Fur

"Ridiculous, outrageous, offensive, and sure to be divisive. For my money, it's a raucous good time and the first big guilty pleasure of the summer."

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Brandybrook

"Like an extended, especially bad episode of Family Guy, this adult cartoon is overloaded with racism and toilet humor at the expense of actual wit. Even MacFarlane's most devoted fans will have a hard time excusing this mess."

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Voltron: Defenders of the Universe

"Fun, spectacular visual-effects entertainment in the grand summer blockbuster fashion. Refreshingly un-cynical and entertaining, even if it does ultimately stop at a sequel hook instead of telling a complete story."

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12 minutes ago, Xillix said:

Voltron: Defenders of the Universe

"Fun, spectacular visual-effects entertainment in the grand summer blockbuster fashion. Refreshingly un-cynical and entertaining, even if it does ultimately stop at a sequel hook instead of telling a complete story."

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In fairness, the show loves pulling bullshit cliffhangers on you. I actually combined the ending of the first and second season since the second season kinda repeats itself anyway (even if it's an improvement over the first). In fact my ending is far less abrupt.

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1 hour ago, Xillix said:

Wouldn't know, haven't seen it! Still was a very fun read.

It's from the same people who made Avatar (the Nickelodeon series) and the animated DC movies so if you like those you'll like Voltron too. It's a bit slow in the first season but improves as it goes on.

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JUNE

 

The Great White

"One of the most blatant Jaws rip-offs of all time, to the extent that a lawsuit seems entirely feasible. It's a dumber, louder, more violent version of that flick, which is something the Jaws sequels already did."

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Me & My Shadow

"A bizarre but good-hearted adventure that's likely to capture children's imaginations but lacks the special spark of the best family films. Still a good choice for a summer outing with the kids."

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Lucky

"A truly inexplicable anomaly - essentially a children's film with vulgarity and drugs slapped on like 'edgy' bumper stickers. Not funny enough for adults and too inappropriate for children, it's a film without an apparent audience."

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Minnie's Treasure Hunt

"A sweet little adventure suitable for the elementary school set, but woe to the parents or elder siblings forced to sit through it with them."

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Rollercoaster

"A reasonably thrilling ride, but the final destination is a bit too predictable and the climax isn't as exciting as one would hope."

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The Yellow Wallpaper

"Aronofsky has a gifted touch for this sort of disturbing psychodrama, but his attempts to update and expand the short story into a feature-length form are somewhat lacking. It's a striking film with several memorable moments, but sadly, also suffers from a good deal of filler and a lack of genuine terror or tension."

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Agents

"Mercifully short, but still a hard sit, this exhausting, manic animated adventure has no worthwhile characters, no point of connection for the audience. It's a loud, colorful distraction best used as background noise on a TV, not really meant for watching."

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Sailing Champion

"Underwritten but decently amusing, Sailing Champion is like a warm summer breeze - pleasant, but ephemeral, the kind of movie you won't remember a week later."

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1 minute ago, Hiccup23 said:

Jesus you are slaughtering my films

I liked Prom and Mara! And there are some other ones later in the year I've skimmed that seem up my alley too. I'll be honest in that I was biased against Agents because the lack of paragraph breaks made it a chore to read :P

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8 minutes ago, Xillix said:

I liked Prom and Mara! And there are some other ones later in the year I've skimmed that seem up my alley too. I'll be honest in that I was biased against Agents because the lack of paragraph breaks made it a chore to read :P

 

Hahaha

 

This is my studio's reaction to your reviews

 

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JULY

 

Apocamance

"The tone is a bit muddled, especially towards the end, but for most of its running time Apocamance is a pretty amusing take on the I Am Legend template. Just be warned that the resolution is likely to leave a sour taste in some viewers' mouths."

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The Curse of Monkey Island

"A swashbuckling good time, with enough humor and action to prove entertaining to a very wide audience. Without a doubt among the top tier of video game adaptations - and that's not meant as a backhanded insult."

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Mile High

"While the climax is a bit too over-the-top, this is mostly an agreeable rom-com with enough jokes to easily fill out its brief but fitting 90 minutes."

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Spark Rising

"Enchanting and exhilarating, but plagued by an overly-familiar and convoluted plot that barely holds together, Spark Rising is a promising start for a blockbuster sci-fi franchise. If it finds a receptive public willing to reward it at the box office, it seems the burgeoning space saga can only get better from here."

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Dangerous Beauty

"Short and unimaginative, but reasonably thrilling and brutal. It's an unapologetic B-movie which is moderately successful on its own terms and should provide cheap jolts for its target audience."

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AUGUST

 

Public Eye

"A difficult watch, but a surprisingly nuanced one that succeeds in adding a personal touch to a very public story."

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Flowers for Algernon

"A touching, classic story, handled with care in its adaptation to the screen. Burton's style seems an odd fit for the material, but the plot and characters are wholly intact and have lost little of their effectiveness in the transition."

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An Apple a Night

"A spooky bit of fun which recalls, in a sense, early Spielberg or Burton. It's not at that level of craftsmanship - and is probably too scary for many children - but it's a cinematic treat with a pleasant amount of bite."

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Ninja

"An impressively stupid movie - ninja armies in CHINA? - and one with practically no plot or characterization to speak of. That said, it looks impressive given its budget and has enough memorable action sequences to be worth the price of a matinee ticket."

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SEPTEMBER

 

The Little Engine That Could

"A short and simple cartoon, suitable for the smallest of children and no one else. Difficult to rate, but not offensively terrible, so as long as the preschoolers like it who am I to judge?"

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The Rider

"An obvious Mad Max ripoff, which has all the story and depth of Fury Road - as in, practically none. Sadly, it also isn't as visually sumptuous or viscerally thrilling, with its budget a major handicap. A watchable popcorn-muncher, but I wouldn't hold my breath for the heavily-teased sequel."

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No Surrender

"A typical sports drama about an atypical sport. If you're a big fan of lacrosse, or paint-by-numbers movies of the athletic persuasion, this is your film. Otherwise, there is no reason whatsoever to bother."

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The Executioner

"A go-nowhere plot isn't enough to completely derail this brutal action thriller, which delivers on its promise of Statham doing what he does best with a bit more of a mean streak than usual."

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River of Death

"A self-serious and unforgivably overlong 'thriller' that doesn't want to admit it's essentially a silly horror flick. If it had embraced its overt horror elements or even gone for campiness it could have worked, assuming it were also an hour or so shorter. As it is, it's a dull and unrewarding watch, an episode of Dateline crossed with a middle schooler's campfire story."

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Seduction

"A typical piece of modern Eli Roth schlock, wallowing in sleaziness without supplying anything in the way of real scares or compelling mystery. When was the last time this guy made something watchable?"

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2 minutes ago, Xillix said:

River of Death

"A self-serious and unforgivably overlong 'thriller' that doesn't want to admit it's essentially a silly horror flick. If it had embraced its overt horror elements or even gone for campiness it could have worked, assuming it were also an hour or so shorter. As it is, it's a dull and unrewarding watch, an episode of Dateline crossed with a middle schooler's campfire story."

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Is it Poison and Wine 2.0? 'Cause I just had to slog through that.

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