Alpha's Reviews: YEAR 1

[Alpha]

Before I start, I'd just like to say I won't be reviewing my own films, but I will be including some of them in my Top 25 list.

 

JANUARY

 

Ophidiophobia - C+

 

I think this film could've been funnier and scarier if it tried to be less campy. I know it's supposed to be a comedic premise and I think some scenes are done with the right balance of silly and spooky. But most of the time it just seems like it's aping off the kind of campy horror made by The Asylum.

 

Lake of the Psychopaths - D+

 

Kind of like Ophidiophobia, Lake of the Psychopaths has a hilarious premise. But unlike the former film, Lake of the Psychopaths isn't trying to be funny, which is why it falls flat on its face. Its biggest problem is the absurd character development; the way our main characters are set up at the beginning of this film makes them out to be normal horror movie buffs until they begin their murder spree for their snuff film, and because of this it becomes a plodding experience to follow these two dudes when we aren't given any heroes to root for.

 

Timmy's Winter Vacation - B-

 

Timmy's Winter Vacation succeeds at being a rather inoffensive, cute kid's flick. That doesn't uplift it to being something special, but it really didn't need to be that either. Overall, there isn't much else to say but that it should be a small success among families.

 

Captain Planet - C-

 

First off, no one else should be playing Captain Planet but the impeccable Don Cheadle. Seriously, film adaptation, you dun goofed. Secondly, Captain Planet is so much of a relic of the 1990s that the film already feels dated. Even though it tries to make an important statement on climate change, it just comes off as B-movie Power Rangers where the real message gets hampered down in cartoon clichés.

 

SOMA - B-

 

It's an incredibly fascinating piece of science fiction, and it's a decent adaptation of a good video game, but beyond its concept the film kinda slogs. The character of Catherine ends being not much else than a tool for exposition, and our main character Simon isn't interesting enough to carry the film on his own. There are some decent sequences with thrills sprinkled around, but overall SOMA moves along at too leisurely of a pace that the bite of its source material is lost in translation.

 

The Artificial Age - D+

 

Like a ton of Paul W.S. Anderson's filmography, The Artificial Age is just plain trashy. The tropes present here have been done to death, and the action is mind-numbing. Give it a pass.

 

Battle: Mars - C-

 

Isn't this basically just Battle for Terra? It's directed by the same guy, it has the same actors, and it basically follows the same plot beats. I don't know, I just remember seeing commercials for that movie non-stop on Cartoon Network back in 2009. But yeah, Battle: Mars is basically the same movie.

[Alpha]

FEBRUARY

 

The Devil's Hitman - D+

 

Ugh, who decided to give Uwe Boll another Hollywood gig? I know he's gotten better recently, but like, this is the guy who directed Alone in the Dark. Oh well, I guess The Devil's Hitman might find an audience among so-bad-it's-good movie aficionados, but even then that's doubtful. There's a few entertaining Nicolas Cage moments sprinkled throughout.

 

Mirror's Edge - B-

 

A decent video game adaptation, though I really couldn't think about Ghost in the Shell comparisions with Scarlett Johansson in the lead role. The plot is kinda weak, but there's enough good action sequences for it to stay entertaining.

 

Poison and Wine - C

 

I share a lot of the same complaints as everybody else. Its runtime is way too long, making the plot stretched out thin over 2-and-a-half hours. Its filled with melodrama, and even worse the melodrama isn't really entertaining enough to sustain my interest. It was just mind-numbing to read, and the content here was just unbelievably dragged out. Poison and Wine isn't terrible, it's just long, boring Fifty Shades of Grey fanfiction.

 

Best Friends Forever - B

 

I thought it went over-the-top at some points (with the ending shot being the cheesiest cliche in horror), but Best Friends Forever is a pretty entertaining horror flick. The performances were good all around, and I think there is some genuine drama that raises the tension high. A quality horror experience.

 

Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills - C+

 

OK, yeah. There's a big elephant in the room with this movie, and it's the twist ending. I think it was pretty daring of the makers to go with a total subversion of superhero endings, and even though it's a decision that'll likely alienate a lot of viewers at the box office it certainly makes the film more interesting to talk about. But that's all it really is; interesting to talk about. This movie's biggest problem is that it thinks it's more clever than it actually is, and even if you totally do a 180 on the audience and have Gorganus take over the Earth with our heroes left begging for mercy, that doesn't mean it's funnier as a result. So even though it was definitely a risky move and an OK parody of 1990s TV tropes, I think it's going to elicit a few eyerolls.

 

BraveStarr - B

 

BraveStarr is a fun little throwback to 1980s cartoons. Yeah, it's pretty thin on plot and feels dated at times, but being tongue-in-cheek here works much better than it did in Tattooed Teenage Alien Fighters from Beverly Hills.

 

Runaway: A Road Adventure - C

 

Runaway is pretty below par for a Paul Feig picture. The plot just kind of meanders, and there's a distinct lack of jokes that really hit for the film to be really memorable.

[cookie]

Full disclosure: I built Mirror's Edge from an early draft @CJohn gave me back in 2.0 when I acquired the rights from him and the ScarJo casting was his idea originally. I thought of a few replacements but stuck with ScarJo because she was still bankable at the time (this was long before Ghost in the Shell bombed).

Edited September 13, 2017 by cookie

[Alpha]

MARCH

 

Rendezvous with Rama - B-

 

Science fiction with more of an emphasis on the science than the fiction. Rendezvous with Rama pales in comparison to 2001, a film somebody like Luc Besson doesn't have the artistic patience to make, but the special effects are outstanding and it's nice to a sci-fi film that doesn't rely on a lot of action to sustain your interest.

 

Séance - B+

 

Really high-quality psychological horror. Séance has a creepy, tense atmosphere throughout and there's some high-quality performances to boot (Téa Leoni surprises as our resident schmeing psychic).

 

Jim's Adversity - C

 

There's a distinct lack of drama that really kills the film's emotional core. Honestly, I think it would've worked better as a documentary. Jim Eisenreich's story is an interesting one, but the film adaptation doesn't do much to breath dramatic life into it.

 

Jungles - C+

 

Like Xillix says, it belongs on the Discovery Channel.

 

Second Wind - B-

 

A decent comedy with some good setpieces and an interesting-enough story. It's not something special, but it works if you're looking for a date-night movie.

 

The Adventures of Oscar Pill - C+

 

Oscar Pill is a quirky franchise-starter, but unfortunately it falls into mediocrity over a lengthy runtime and too much exposition. Abraham Attah does well as the titular character, but overall I think it spends too much time setting up future installments than developing an interesting story on its own.

 

Dawn of Extinction - B

 

Dawn of Extinction is good, cheesy fun. Val Kilmer ends up stealing every scene he's in as the kooky government scientist, and there's enough fun destruction by the dinosaurs to make this entertaining, even if the plot is pretty basic.

 

Seeing Her - A

 

I remember this being a really great small gem back in Year 7 of Vanilla CAYOM, and it still holds up in my eyes. Seeing Her is a wonderful romantic drama that tugs at your heartstrings. It's a great concept that's executed incredibly well, and Evan Peters and Mae Whitman give some outstanding performances alongside a quality ensemble. It should end up being an early contender for a Best Picture nomination.

 

Signed in Blood - C-

 

Mind-numbing action. Getting the director of the two bad Taken sequels doesn't help.

 

Rabbids: The Big Adventure - C+

 

The Rabbids are less irritating than the Minions (maybe that's just due to brand exposure), but it's still pretty mediocre slapstick.

[Hiccup23]

Rendezvous with Rama is a very slow and visual film. It focuses heavily on visuals and score to sustain the audience rather than dialogue/action. Definitely not a film for everybody. 

[cookie]

Chug Second Wind into the "this is getting much better reviews than I expected" category.

[Alpha]

APRIL

 

Salem's Lot - C

 

A pretty lame, lifeless Stephen King adaptation that's also a Wikipedia copy-and-paste. Gonna have to give an F for effort.

 

Second to Singapore - B

 

Second to Singapore is a pretty funny stoner comedy that feels like a lost sequel to Pineapple Express. Seth Rogen and James Franco are pretty much doing their thing in these roles, and there's enough good comedic setpieces to make the film a fun diversion.

 

The Defiler - B-

 

A creepy horror film, The Defiler isn't a gamechanger in the genre, but its definitely above par for low-budget horror films.

 

He-Man - B

 

He-Man is a decent start to the summer blockbuster scene, and it does a good job in both setting up a potential franchise and being an entertaining standalone film. It's nothing special, and there's some disappointing aspects (Lance Garrett has the muscles to play the role but certainly not the acting chops), but I think it mostly achieves what it sets out to do.

 

A Love to Die For - B+

 

A witty, entertaining dark romantic comedy, A Love to Die For features some great performances from Tatum and Lawrence as the two unwilling "lovers" and runs at a sharp, expertly crafted pace. There's always the possibility for a Best Original Screenplay nomination.

 

PЯom - C

 

Ah, yes, a teen comedy with crude-but-not-too-crude PG-13 jokes. My favorite. Seriously though, PЯom is just too basic to be entertaining. Even though it's self-awareness kind of saves the film from being an obnoxious romp, it just feels dated and tired.

 

The Trail - C+

 

Oof, Adam Wingard has really lost his edge as of late. I was hoping for some twists and turns throughout the movie, but The Trail just follows beat-for-beat a lot of slasher movie cliches that have been done time and time again.

[Bastien]

Oh god, those reviews for Oscar and Runaway

[Xillix]

That's two positive reviews for BraveStarr, which is about three more than I expected.

[Alpha]

MAY

 

The Adventures of Scrooge McDuck - A-

 

I loved this film back in Vanilla CAYOM and I love it here. Scrooge McDuck is a fun, thrilling ride throughout. It does a great job of capturing the mayhem and mystery of the original 1990s cartoon while giving these characters the major-motion-picture polish.

 

Among the Serpents - C+

 

Like Baltasar Kormákur's previous film Everest, Among the Serpents is shot beautifully and the scenery of Central America is captured very well in the cinematography. Unfortunately, that's about the only real pull this film has. The plot is too thin for a 2-hour feature, making the experience less engaging. Also, Brendan Fraser sticks out like a sore thumb in a mostly dramatic film.

 

Chrono Trigger - C

 

This video game adaptation is just too distracting to be enjoyable summer fare. It jumps around from 600 AD to a dystopian future with the blink of an eye. What Chrono Trigger needed was more care in translating the game to the big screen, because the major story issues turn a potentially entertaining blockbuster into a lazy, meandering mess.

 

Mara, Daughter of the Nile - B+

 

Although the moderately-sized budget prevents the film's art direction from truly standing out, Mara succeeds on a powerful story with strong characters, good writing and a central romance that doesn't fall into melodrama. It could turn into a sleeper success at the box office.

 

Blood and Fur - A-

 

Incredibly clever and entertaining. Even though I can already hear the violent keyboard-mashing from /pol/ coupled with the boatloads of oddly-sexual fan art pouring on DeviantArt, Blood and Fur succeeds on its own merit with the most unique premise of the year so far, with delightful comedy mixed with action-packed, bloody fun.

 

Operation Megasquad - C

 

I'm starting to get tired of these C-list superhero meetup films. Pretty mediocre.

 

The Ultimate Prank - C+

 

Eh, it's pretty basic family entertainment. It feels like it belongs more on the Disney Channel than in the multiplex, and the plot's stretched thin, but there's enough very lighthearted comedy for the film to fill its very basic purpose.

 

Brandybrook - D

 

If your film begins with the disclaimer "The film is extremely vulgar and the film stereotypes and degrades all different types sexuality, races, and religions," you aren't setting up a good time. Brandybrook is great proof of why Seth McFarlane is incredibly unremarkable. He sets up what's supposed to be a satire on wealthy, suburban America, but his jokes really boil down to insulting Asians, Mexicans and the mentally retarded. It's just a miserable experience all around.

 

Voltron: Defenders of the Universe - B+

 

The model summer blockbuster. Voltron does a great job at building character development and creating some killer action sequences. The special effects are top notch, and Idris Elba really stands out as Emperor Zarkon. Although the ending, clearly intended to set up a follow-up, is kind of annoying, the rest of the film is done very well. It should be a hit with moviegoers, with some staying power at the box office after opening weekend.

[Alpha]

Alright, let's get back on track.

 

JUNE

Airframe - B-

 

A pretty good adaptation of the Michael Crichton novel. Airframe keeps the tension going throughout its runtime, coupled with some high-quality performances from Jodie Foster and Josh Brolin. While I think the third act of the film kind of sputters from the buildup to the twist ending, the rest of the film is likely to keep the audience fully engaged in the drama.

 

The Great White - C-

 

Pretty boring albeit ridiculous, and nowhere near as tense and thrilling as it ought to be. Michael Bay is clearly limited under such a small budget, and The Great White ends up being a terribly forgettable Jaws ripoff. Some especially heinous moments include Dwanye Johnson's character trying to fight a shark (clearly a losing battle) and an underdeveloped, unnecessary romance between characters Frank and Jessica that distracts from the actual stakes of the film.

 

Me and My Shadow - B

 

While overall Me and My Shadow is a quirky, fun piece of animated entertainment, with a clever mesh of 2D and CGI styles, I think too much world-building prevents the film from truly being something special. We spend so much time in Shadow Central to the point where I feel the interaction between Sam and his shadow becomes rather lacking. I'd actually have preferred it much more if Me and My Shadow was more akin to a hang-out movie, and we had spent more time in our world rather than the filmmakers trying to start an adventure in another. But besides that, most of the film is really good. Bo Burnham and Will Arnett stand out as Sam and Hale's shadows, respectively, and the animation is top-notch.

 

Go Go GoBots - C-

 

Ugggggh. This film isn't terrible, but it's really, really tiring. Everything here has been done before, and a lot of these elements have been seen throughout Year 1. Honestly, it's getting exhausting seeing giant robots, superhero teamups and alien spaceships so much. Maybe Hollywood should try and stop making 80s toy commercials into $100 million box office bombs.

 

Lucky - C+

 

It's kind of weird and there's some plot holes scattered around the film, but Lucky is otherwise fine but forgettable. It's a bit refreshing to see Tom Hardy in a comedic role, even if his work here isn't top-notch.

 

Minnie's Treasure Hunt - B-

 

Like Timmy's Winter Vacation from earlier this year, Minnie's Treasure Hunt succeeds at being inoffensive, cute family entertainment. Not much else to say, really.

 

Rollercoaster - B+

 

Thrilling, if a bit silly, Rollercoaster is an intense yet entertaining mystery that fights at the feeling of joy and easygoing fun of an amusement park. Although I wish the masked culprit's identity had more of a presence in the film's characters, the payoff isn't a cheat and the experience altogether is exciting and nerve-inducing.

 

Agents - C

 

Agents' biggest problem is that there's not a whole lot going on, and it becomes just plain boring. The villains aren't all that memorable, the heroes aren't very well-developed or interesting, and many of the comedic set-ups here have a distinct lack of comedy. Pretty mind-numbing for an animated film.

 

Sailing Champion - C+

 

Pretty basic, if a bit thin on plot, Sailing Champion is a decent, if inoffensive comedy that might serve as a quieter diversion from the louder fare this summer.

[cookie]

I kinda wish I had expanded Rollercoaster's plot more in hindsight but I was short on time and had Hunchback and Voltron to finish. Oh well.

Edited September 16, 2017 by cookie

[Alpha]

JULY

 

Apocamance - C-

 

Apocamance begins with a fascinating premise that quickly sputters out of control and violently crashes. The character of Tiffany becomes a gaping, distracting plothole that it makes me wonder why she was even included in the film. Along with that, the ending is one of the most anti-climatic so far this year, with no resolution whatsoever.

 

The Curse of Monkey Island - B

 

An entertaining swashbuckler. Although it's missing some of the cleverness in Edgar Wright's work, and Daniel Day-Lewis feels a bit out of place in a summer tentpole like this, The Curse of Monkey Island features enough action and adventure to keep a crowd engaged.

 

The Beckinsville Files - C+

 

Yeah, there's not much here you haven't seen before. It gets some points for having a few chilling moments near the end, but The Beckinsville Files is not a unique horror experience in any way.

 

Mile High - C

 

Mile High follows some pretty generic beats of romantic comedies but the third act just feels like a completely different movie, with a highly unrealistic and honestly ridiculous conclusion.

 

Spark: Rising - B+

 

Although it loses some of the magic of the original animated film from Vanilla CAYOM in the switch to live-action, but Spark: Rising is still an adventurous, visually-engrossing sci-fi tale. I especially like the change of Alex Spark to a female character, as I think it creates a more interesting dynamic to her character. Overall, it should be one of the biggest hits of the summer, if not the year.

 

Dangerous Beauty - C

 

A lack of story is what causes Dangerous Beauty to become lackluster. The film is undeniably short, running at only 79 minutes, and because of this the film just falls flat in becoming effective horror. Along with that, one of the final scenes is a ripoff of a scene from Get Out, so it's not really original, either.

 

Hive Havoc - C

 

Very basic animated fare that will only entertain the littlest of children. I don't have any major qualms against it, but it's not a broadly appealing piece of family entertainment, either.

 

The Screaming Planet - B-

 

Decent disaster fare that reminded me of a Roland Emmerich film. Some might accuse The Screaming Planet of being basic disaster porn, but overall it's an entertaining picture that you'll most likely forget about a day after you see it.

[Xillix]

24 minutes ago, Alpha said:

Maybe Hollywood should try and stop making 80s toy commercials into $100 million box office bombs.

What, and send all of southern California into a historic economic depression?  

[Ezen Baklattan]

The Voltron/Spark similar reception continues.... @cookie

[Bastien]

14 minutes ago, Alpha said:

 Daniel Day-Lewis feels a bit out of place in a summer tentpole like this

that was completly the point! I love imagining DDL in a giant blockbuster of this kind!

I'm pretty happy with the reception of Monkey Island anyway !

[Alpha]

August reviews are going to be posted soon, but for this next batch one of them is going to be a long write-up.

[Hiccup23]

18 minutes ago, Alpha said:

August reviews are going to be posted soon, but for this next batch one of them is going to be a long write-up.

 

I think I know....

[cookie]

19 minutes ago, Alpha said:

August reviews are going to be posted soon, but for this next batch one of them is going to be a long write-up.

[cookie]

38 minutes ago, spaghetti! said:

The Voltron/Spark similar reception continues.... @cookie