CAYOM YEAR 6 - PART I - MOVIE SUBMISSION

[Ezen Baklattan]

Guardians Of The Internet

 

Genre: Sci-Fi/Comedy/Action

Director: Dave McCary

Date: December 23rd

Theaters: 3,567

Cast: Ryan Reynolds (Mr. FriendPlace), William Jackson Harper (Mr. Examinet), Tiffany Haddish (Ms. ArtHouse), Viveik Kalra (Mr. WorldTV), Jared Padalecki (Mr. Thinkbit), Jessica Rothe (Ms. FilteRate), Beck Bennett (The Virus), Tommy Wiseau (God Of The Internet - cameo)

Rating: PG-13 for comic action, brief language, and some crude humor

Runtime: 107min (1hr, 47min)

Budget: $75 million

 

Plot: The world's greatest websites must team up to take on a dangerous virus.

 

Spoiler

When we use the internet, little do we know, that a group of special agents are working for us. Within a secret area called "The Cloud" which no human has ever been able to access. In this area, every website in the world is represented by a single persona, and he or she manages each website, and the people who visit it. Personas range from people to aliens and even animals. In addition, each personal rules over their own site, a world with many places and characters. Every website is governed and protected by the personas of five of the world's biggest websites.

 

First, we have the leader, Mr. FriendPlace. He is a cool and friendly, but secretly shy and awkward, man who represents FriendPlace, a social network site similar to Facebook. We then have the extremely clever and sometimes irreverent Mr. Thinkbit, representing a site similar to Tumblr for online quirky fandoms. Third is Mr. Examinet, a wise elder with great knowledge, representing a large search engine. The only girl in the group, Ms. ArtHouse, is very quirky and expressive, representing a mix of DeviantArt and other expressions sites. There's also Ms. FilteRate, who manages Instagram and other similar accounts, beauty focused but also creative and smart.  Finally, there is Mr. WorldTV, an energetic and sometimes innapropriate man who represents a massive video site akin to Youtube. The gang of five gets along well, and they have lead many sites to internet prosperity.

 

All is going very well, until we see that some of the other websites are behaving very strangely. People in the real world are confused that the site that they are visiting are not working well. Meanwhile in the Cloud, Mr. Thinkbit decides to examine one such website, and he comes to a shocking conclusion: If there are others like him who are infected, then there is a virus on the lose. No virus has ever left such a dangerous attack on a single website, let alone many different websites, so if the gang isn't able to stop this soon, the entire internet could collapse. However, this virus is affecting user activity, causing people to spread negativity, bigotry, and deceit.

 

That night, Mr. FriendPlace goes to his personal quarters, a place with very contemporary furniture and style, and he begins to say a few words. He is trying to summon the God of the internet.  Indeed, The God of the Internet comes to him, and he is a very wise, kind man. Mr. FriendPlace begs him for information on how the virus can be stopped and the internet saved. The God of the Internet simply smiles at him, and he tells him that he is destined to stop the virus and save the day, only to later say that he was kidding and that all of this prophecy stuff is ridiculous. However, if the six of them truly fight hard, then the internet can be saved. He also leaves, saying that he will assist them on their quest.

 

Mr. FriendPlace tells everyone about his encounter with the God of the Internet, and the others look at him in shock. The God of the Internet was a big deal. The God will only appear before very special people, and it hasn't happened in several years. Mr. FriendPlace would have to lead the gang through an epic journey across cyberspace to find this virus and save the world. Meanwhile in the real world, more websites get infected with the virus, and several computer programmers are teaming up to try and solve the problem. The internet becomes a very sad, dangerous place, and it becomes clear that people are being bullied, shamed, and disheartened across the internet. The virus is recruiting agents to decieve and harm people.

 

In their journey, Mr. FriendPlace and his allies travel across all kinds of crazy landscapes, from city streets to massive arenas to futuristic planets, meeting all kinds of creatures effected by the virus. The virus has also sent many corrupt soldiers after the gang, so they must get involved in very crazy fights, ranging from Dance contests to Street Fighter style battles. The gang soon succeeds, and they build up a force of valiant websites trying to save the world. It seems like they will soon be able to find the virus.

 

Eventually, at the center of the cloud, they encounter the virus. The virus is a wicked man with brilliant costumes, who has an ultimate goal to destroy the internet. However, the virus's power is quite limited. He simply finds ways to direct people to things that will toxify them and turn the users of the internet into virulent little things, spreading and magnifying hate and cruelty. He claims that the interest was never meant to be ruled, and that defeating him would take away people's rights. FriendPlace says that this isn't the way to go about this, and that being a monster has consequences. The "virus", however, builds up an army of people continuing to spread jealousy, anger, bigotry, and more toxic elements across the internet. The two soon get into a fight, but FriendPlace is losing. While this is happening, the real life website of FriendPlace is beginning to lose control, and people are shocked at this.

 

With the help of some internet users an various sites, a compcally epic battle begins to take place, mixing meme culture (nothing on the scale of Ready Player One) and chaotic energy into one fun, big battle. With these actions, they are unknowingly giving the six personas more power in battle. The army of good eventually defeats the virus's army, and FriendPlace is able to kill The Virus once and for all. The Virus promises that this will not make the internet a magical heaven, but FriendPlace promises that it was never meant to be. The internet can be amazing, but it can't fully encapsulate everything its users need. However, we need to protect them and give them experiences that help them grow and feel happy. Soon, all of the personas cheer for the main five, for they have saved the internet. In the real world, people are also cheering for this miracle. Shortly after, everything goes back to normal, and the God of the Internet decides to chat with Mr. FriendPlace once again. He knew that he would win in the end, even if making it into a prophecy would have been stupid. FriendPlace is fine with that.

 

However, the personas soon gasp as a few sites on the government look at user data. Suddenly, FriendPlace becomes very nervous. FilteRate remarks that it's never a boring day on the internet.

Edited September 23, 2019 by Spaghetti

[Ezen Baklattan]

Jane and Tony

 

Genre: Drama

Theaters: 2,479

Date: April 22nd

 

Director: Josie Rourke

Cast: Claire Foy (Jane Woodward), Hugh Laurie (Tony Robertson)

Rating: PG-13

Runtime: 103min (1hr, 43min)

Budget: $15m

 

Jane Woodward was always a true friend, and she id an incredible student in middle school. Everyone liked her because she was a truly good person. However, things change when her parents are killed in a car accident caused by a drunk driver, Tony. While being sentenced to a 15 year sentence as a result of his crimes, a lot has changed since then. The emotional trauma that Jane had to face was overbearing. When she was in college, her grades began to drop, and she turned to drugs, soon dropping out of school. She now lives in a small apartment building with her six year old son, Noah. She is currently single, as she had gotten a divorce from her past boyfriend.

 

Tony has felt devastated for killing the girl's parents ever since the crime happened. 15 years ago, he was aggressive and foolish, and he has truly changed a lot since those days. In an attempt to apologize for the crime he had committed, he goes to visit Jane in her apartment. When he arrives, Jane recognizes who the man is after he confesses what he had done. She yells at him to leave, angrily asserted that he ruined her life. However, Tony tells her that she wants to set things right, right before Jane is about to call the police. He brings her to let her and Noah live at his house, which is a bit nicer than where she is living now.

 

Throughout the rest of the film, Tony and Jane try to fix their lives up from the hole that he put both of them in, growing a friendship for each other as well. Both are able to find love, find jobs, and for the first time in nearly two decades, find happiness. Even with the occasional fight, the two stay close together. Tony soon has a heart attack, and is unable to recover. Jane feels sorry for him, having finally reached a point where she feels like she can forgive him. He ruined her life, but he also managed to fix it. At the end, Jane becomes a whole new woman. Her life is back on track, and she goes on to live the life that she had dreamed of as a child.

[Ezen Baklattan]

_Live2ream

 

Director: Christopher B. Landon

Producer: Jason Blum

Major Cast: Taissa Farmiga (Roxanne), Cher (Gwendolyn), Jacob Latimore (Calvin), Owen Wilson (Haggerty)

 

Genre: Thriller/Crime (With some elements of Dark Comedy)

Release Date: September 9

Theater Count: 3,152

MPAA Rating: PG-13 for language, brief violence, and some sexual content

Runtime: 89min (1hr, 29min)

Production Budget: $12.5 million

 

PREVIOUS FILM: LiveStream (Y3): $10.3M/$36.5M/$114.5M

 

**NOTE: Social media is used extensively through the film, showing as displays above the device being used. The film was also shot using an iPhone.

 

Spoiler

Roxanne Bellamy (Farmiga) is now even more famous on her online Instagram account, thanks to her new work in solving mysteries on top of concocting amazing drinks. She’s now graduating from College but ended up breaking up with Ethan due to their different paths in life. Seeing her niece in a big transition – both good and bath – Roxanne’s Aunt Gwendolyn (Cher) decides to treat her to a big, fancy weekend in New York City. Roxanne is more than happy to accept. As she arrives, Gwendolyn remarks that she’s greatly interested in her niece’s social presence, and she remarks that she can show her some amazing recipes for her insta. They spend the day having a blast in the city, enjoying a girls’ day out and bolding as family. That night, they arrive back at Gwendolyn’s lofty apartment, were Roxanne is curious how she is able to afford all of this. Gwendolyn remarks that she as secrets she will share at another time.

 

That night, as Roxanne falls asleep, Gwendolyn sneaks out to a secret art auction in the city, revealing that she has somehow acquired various priceless works of art. The auction is high energy and incredibly chaotic, a few cryptic posts going on twitter feeds. After the auction comes to an end, Gwendolyn returns to a taxi. However, the car she rides becomes filled with an odd gas (the driver’s seat blocked off) and Gwendolyn begins to pass out. Roxanne wakes up the next day to find her aunt had disappeared. Her phone, however, had completely blown up.

 

A mysterious man (Wilson) appears on Roxanne’s feed, sending various cryptic messages and introducing himself as Haggerty. He seems humble and relaxed, juxtaposed to his disturbing words. He claims to have been cheated on by one of her close friend’s, but asks Roxanne how far she is willing to go to rescue her. There are a few rules to their game. First, Haggerty had a backdoor program installed onto her phone remotely. If Roxanne tries to tamper with it, her friend dies. If Roxanne tries to call or notify the police, her friend dies. If she does not follow every clue, her friend dies. Roxanne posts that she accepts the challenge, realizing that there are three clues to their game, and that each one will bring Roxanne closer to Gwe – her friend. Roxanne knows it’s obvious who got kidnapped, but agrees to try and save her aunt.

 

Roxanne rushes through the city, terrified that the news of her quest have gone viral on Instagram, her face showing up on Time Square signage. Roxanne rushes to get past reporters and onlookers who notice her, rushing into a café. Her first clue is to find a way into the Cloversman Ball, an elite art and fashion event in the city. (Also a poor man’s MET Gala.) Roxanne tries to connect with different celebs who might be invited via Instagram, but eventually reaches Colin Farrell (cameo by himself) Roxanne and Farrell share an interaction on social media as she tries to get into the event by charming him However, there’s little luck, and he acts completely confused, contacting the Cloverman Ball over twitter. Roxanne gives up, forced to keep updating the score to Haggerty (who is actually pretty interested) or risk losing Gwendolyn.

 

However, a man named Calvin (Latimore) reaches out to Roxanne. He desperately wants to go to an open mic night to perform an original song he had been creating, but…he works at the event holding the Cloversman Ball. They might be able to perform a switcheroo, as Roxanne never explicitly had to be an attendee, she just had to go to the ball. Calvin promises to keep her in the loop. They have some downtime, so they bond a bit at his apartment, Roxanne showing off his musical talent to the world. Calvin feels a bit nervous at being followed by millions at this moment, but Roxanne asks him to go with it. She’s just as scared as he is. Suddenly, we find out that Roxanne had been ambushed at Calvin’s apartment, as several armed guards try to break in. The two break out through a fire escape, Roxanne having always wanted to try one. She is however followed into the subways and forced to change over across several trains and cars, carrying Calvin close behind in an intense sequence. Roxanne is able to eventually outrun them, but needs to get to the gala. Calvin’s uniform is a bit loose, but she will have to make do.

 

The Cloversman Ball is a lively, exciting event, with several decent celebrities present (none explicitly made out) Colin Farrell awkwardly apologizes to Roxanne, having recognized her) but Roxanne tries to shush him, introducing herself as….Calvina. “The fuck kind of name is that?” Farrell asks. Farrell eventually collapses, apparently drunk off his ass. Roxanne goes to look around, her second clue being forced to investigate attendees and find the one attendee from the “Weaver Legion.” Roxanne investigates, forced to keep her head held high and let her online audiences know. Roxanne has to navigate through a powerful dance sequence while holding the veneer of being an employee, guided by Calvin after his gig.

 

Roxanne investigates the crowd, seeing if she can find someone named Haggerty on the guest list. Looking up information on the Weaver Legion, she finds nothing. There seem to be no clues on what the Weaver Legion is, but at Calvin’s open mic performance, we see a man attending with a crystal tattoo. The man radios in on Haggerty and tries to see if Roxanne will be able to find out the identity of the Weaver Legion member.

 

Roxanne’s identity slowly becomes more and more revealed as the night progresses, and many attendees talk about her. Calvin’s boss threatens to eject her, but Roxanne asks to stay for 30 more minutes, the boss, Gina, reluctantly agreeing. Roxanne, however, does overhear a conversation that reveals that Gwendolyn was a secretive art saleswoman and was notorious for stealing many of the pieces that she ends up selling. Roxanne suspects that the person who kidnapped her was someone that Roxanne stole from. Calvin, meanwhile, tells Roxanne to look for a crystal tattoo on someone’s arm.

 

Roxanne looks desperately for a few minutes, but Gina soon finds Roxanne and asks her to pack up. Roxanne desperately requests to stay, and they get in a small skirmish, eventually revealing…a crystal tattoo on Gina’s arm. Gina suddenly allows her to stay, in fact inviting her into a special back room. Calvin begins to look on in fear as the man with the crystal; tattoo heads towards him, soon taking him out after the song ends. Haggerty admits that he is a close associate of the Weaver Legion, but denies that Gwendolyn had stolen from him or the Legion. He also offers to put Gwendolyn on a brief connection.

 

Gwendolyn and Roxanne reconnect, the latter walking through the tunnel underneath the ball with Gina. Roxanne promises to find her and keep her safe, while Gwendolyn seems over the top in acting terrified, almost as if she was giving a performance. Roxanne feels a bit suspect but is still worried for Gwendolyn. Roxanne is soon introduced to her final challenge. They are guided into an art gallery, where she is shocked to find Calvin present also. Calvin and Roxanne are surprised, but need to stay together. In the gallery, they are shot at suddenly. Calvin and Roxanne get on the ground and retreat to escape from the shot, but they find out that they have to get through the gallery to survive, which may be the final challenge.

 

All of the paintings, furthermore, seem to be created by Gwendolyn. Roxanne and Calvin anxiously move through the labyrinth-ian gallery while trying to avoid shots from mysterious directions. However, Roxanne soon realizes that certain paintings have small holes in them, seemingly letting the gun fire come right out of the paintings. The two need to watch out and keep looking towards they exit. Forming a team, they are able to make it toward the final exit, a door out. Roxanne is shocked to find that her posts for the day have all disappeared. Moreover, the exit leads to a completely dark space. Suddenly, the lights come on, revealing a dark, donut-shaped hallway, concrete walls on either side. Walls of people clap for Roxanne and Calvin.

 

Haggerty soon appears at the end of the line, along with Gwendolyn, who hugs Roxanne. Haggerty thanks them for an amazing job well done, but vows to explain everything as they reach his private quarter, covered in computers. He hands over a script that was inspired by the day’s encounters and reveals that the whole course of events was simulated, and that Gwendolyn was never truly in any danger. Roxanne and Gwendolyn hug but feel completely nervous, especially as Gwendolyn somehow manages to snatch her phone.

 

Gwendolyn was a shady artist, but she didn’t always steal her work. She wanted her art to be known as a zone of notoriety, and that her world would be seen so she should keep sales high and ensure her lavish lifestyle continued. She was working with Haggerty the whole time, who had set up a high stakes mystery starring one of Instagram’s brightest starts to put some name recognition in her gallery. Roxanne was never in any real danger, and the guns were explicitly controlled to shoot away from the two. Roxanne feels disgusted and betrayed, realizing that Gwendolyn brought her into this scheme to further her career. She set up a chaotic storm in New York City and terrified her niece just to create a fictional story were she became a hero by proxy.

 

Haggerty has the full events of the day ready to go viral, introducing the Weavers Legion as a group of storytellers that weave drama and intrigue to create desired outcomes, from campaigns to declare war to even promoting the whims of a close friend. Haggerty has carefully crafted the narrative into a viral news story, manipulating it to show Roxanne as saving her aunt from true thieves. Roxanne will have none of it and threatens to turn them into the police. Roxanne and Calvin run away, desperate to escape, while Haggerty and Gwendolyn stay behind, crafting a new way to change the narrative now that the two are going to the police. Roxanne manages to trick Gwendolyn into giving up her phone, bolting with it.

 

Roxanne and Calvin rush to a cop car where they try to expose the Weavers Legion but also rescue Gwendolyn. The police, however, believe that Roxanne had killed Gwendolyn, given a seemingly tampered post on her Instagram page. Roxanne is shocked, soon getting arrested by the police. Calvin tries to prove her innocence, remarking that she has her phone in her pocket and couldn’t get the evidence in time. Her phone falls out as she goes into the car, and Calvin ends up having to chase her by foot, using a bike rack.

 

Calvin catches up to the police car, claiming that he knows what’s going on. Roxanne, it turns out, truly had her phone stolen. However, she thought she took her phone…but she actually took Gwendolyn’s. It turns out that Gwendolyn’s set-up is completely exposed, and the crimes of the Weavers Legion are caught soon after. Gwendolyn and the legion members are forced to go to jail, but Gwendolyn is furious with her daughter. She was supposed to just play along and help her art business grow. She’s such an ungrateful niece. Roxanne, her name being cleared, and Calvin begin to bond, remarking that she has more time in the city.

 

Post Credits Scene: Roxanne goes through her feed, happy to have solved another mystery but disappointed in her aunt valuing money and fame over her own wellbeing. Roxanne suddenly gets an invitation to attend one of the most chaotic and notorious events in the modern era. Roxanne is offered to attend the next conference of….Seattle Scales and Tails.

 

Edited September 23, 2019 by Spaghetti

[YM!]

God of War: Kingdom Come

Studio: Endless Entertainment

Legendary Pictures

Cruel and Unusual Films

Release Date: 07/15/Y6

Tagline: “Vengeance comes to an end”

Genre: Action/Fantasy/Drama

Director: Zack Snyder

Rating: R for strong brutal violence, scary images and language throughout

Budget: $170M (Kingdom Come was filmed back to back with Fallen Grace)

Theater Count: 4,205

Format: 2D, 3D, Dolby Cinema, IMAX 2D+3D (God of War: Kingdom Come was filmed in IMAX)

Runtime: 145 minutes

Predecessors:

God of War (Y3): $154,112,695 / $525,196,881

God of War: Fallen Grace (Y4): $129,315,548/$467,926,590

Cast:

Jason Momoa as Kratos

Keira Knightly as Athena

Liam Nesson as Zeus

Tom Hardy as Hades

Chadwick Boseman as Hermes

Russell Crowe as Poseidon

Linda Hunt as Titan Gaia

Daniela Demesa as Pandora

Kit Harrington as Helios

Alexa Davalos as Hera

Monica Bellucci as Aphrodite 

Florian Muntean as Hercules

 

Spoiler

Continuing immediately after God of War: Fallen Grace, the infamous former God of War Kratos, Gaia, and the other Titans ascend Mount Olympus to destroy the Olympian gods. Poseidon launches an assault against the Titans unleashing gigantic tidal waves to thrash them around and using said water to make a giant body for himself, but is killed by Kratos and Gaia as Kratos swims inside him as Posideon hits himself, weakening the water god as Gaia goes for the kill; but his death causes the oceans to flood Greece. Reaching the peak of Olympus, they try to attack Zeus, but he drives them back, firing thunderbolts at rapid fire and knocks them off the mountain. Gaia clings to the mountainside and refuses to save Kratos, calling him nothing more than a pawn for the Titans' revenge.

 

Kratos falls into the River Styx, where he loses the Blade of Olympus which have shattered due to his fall; the souls of the Underworld weaken him and ruin the Blades of Athena but is saved by Athena’s spirit, who had previously sacrificed herself to save Zeus from Kratos. As the two get out of the river, Kratos is furious at her She tells Kratos that her sacrifice has brought her to a higher existence, and she now sees truths she did not see before. She states that as long as Zeus reigns, there is no hope for mankind. She gives him the Blades of Exile, powered by those who’ve died, and says that he must extinguish the Flame of Olympus to kill Zeus. After finding the three Judges of the Underworld, who grant him an audience with Hades after answering a riddle and asking of his virtue as Kratos admits he’s not the best person but shows self growth. Kratos encounters the spirit of Pandora, whom he mistakes for his dead daughter, Calliope who her precocious and rather snarky yet sweet attitude. Refusing to help the child, he continues his quest and uses the power of the Blade of Exile to recovering the Blade of Olympus. Kratos meets Hades who refuses to help him as much as he hates Zeus, he prefers having his power. Kratos enter a fierce fight with Hades and his harpies and despite a few good hits, Kratos is overpowered by Hades as the Underworld’s deaths fuel him. Gaining an idea, Kratos dips his blades into the pool of the undead, powering it up and draining Hades of his vitality, and then he kills Hades using the other blade and releases the souls of the Underworld.

 

 

Kratos reluctantly frees Pandora out of pity and considers searching for Calliope's soul but Athena reminds Kratos of his quest. Athena also notes that Pandora is the key to harness the Flame of Olympus. Pandora thanks Kratos who is indifferent and as they leave the Underworld with Pandora riding on his back, arriving at Olympia, where he finds the wounded Gaia, who calls for help. Kratos severs her arm, causing her to fall from Mount Olympus to her apparent death.

 

 

Kratos continues his ascent, as he attempts to get Pandora somewhere safe and out of the way until Helios takes notice. Helios attempts to kill Pandora due to her power being a threat, Kratos defends Pandora as he refuses to let a child die as Helios uses flaming strikes to singe Kratos as Kratos blocks the rest with his blades. Pandora helps Kratos by using a small fragment of her chaos power to stun Helios and Kratos by accident which temporarily disabled the sun God’s power and kills him; Helios' death plunges Greece into eternal darkness.

 

 

This leads to an encounter with Hermes, who mocks Kratos for his past sins, and using his super speed to deliver fatal blows. Kratos and Pandora chases Hermes and arrives at the Chamber of the Flame, a volcanic battlefield. Hermes locks them in there as the flames grow. Kratos discovers that Pandora's Box is in the Flame of Olympus and is key to the success of his quest, as it was in God of War. Athena appears, telling Kratos that the flames around the box can only be quelled by Pandora. Pandora attempts to quell the flames but to no avail as she explains to the frustrated Kratos that she lost most of her powers Kratos is confused but Athena states that she must go back to where she was before she died in order to restore her powers; The Labyrinth, a prison designed to hold her and control her uncontrollable powers. The two barely escape the room of fire thanks to Athena who teleports them out.

 

 

Kratos and Pandora then continues after the overconfident Hermes, whom Kratos catches with the Blade of Olympus and kills, releasing a plague on Greece. Kratos asks Pandora if she knows where the labyrinth is as Pandora doesn’t but knows Hera might have knowledge as the two head for the Forum. At the Forum, he has an audience with the drunken Hera, who ignores his request for the Labyrinth’s location and summons Hercules. After discussing his jealousy of his half-brother, Hercules attacks Kratos, as the two get into a brutal fist fight but Kratos has the upper hand. Kratos wants to spare Hercules but Hercules refuses to be second rate to his father, as Kratos kills him. Knowing what’s coming, Hera retreats and teleports away to her garden. Kratos then encounters Aphrodite, who is indifferent to his war on Olympus. Aprhodite also has a tearful encounter with Pandora who is revealed to be her daugther. She leads him to her estranged husband and Pandora’s father, Hephaestus through Hyperion's Gate, a teleportation device.

 

 

Hephaestus is delighted to see Pandora as she cowers while angered at his presence. Kratos explains his predicament and that the gods are trying to kill Pandora. Hephaestus reluctantly agrees to help as he can craft a weapon strong enough to stop the gods.

 

 

In a suicide mission, Hephaestus sends Kratos and Pandora to Tartarus, a deep abyss used as a torture dungeon for the wicked and holding place for the Titans to retrieve the Omphalos Stone so he can forge a new weapon for the Spartan. Kratos and Pandora bond as Pandora reveals Hephaestus was an abusive dad who took of her but when her powers got out of control, him and Aphrodite keep her trapped in the Labyrinth. One day Pandora escaped with the box but due to not being able to control it, caused chaos and plague to hit Greece and trapping her in the Underworld. Kratos comforts the child as he knows he’s made mistakes as well but it’s best to move on and learn from them. Kratos and Pandora finds Cronos, who chase them and easily outmatches them as Pandora gets the idea to lure the Titan into a torture chamber, to pin his hands as Kratos beheads the Titan for the stone, and returns to Hephaestus. After forging the weapon, the god tries to kill Kratos himself with it as he and Kratos fight in the forge. Instead, Pandora kills Hephaestus on accident by using her powers to prevent them from fighting. Hephaestus, dying claims that he was trying to protect Pandora. Hephaestus explains that if Pandora enters the flame, she’ll die and he doesn’t want to lose his daughter again. Hephaestus also apologizes to Pandora asking her to forgive him. 

 

 

Kratos understands Hephaestus’ pain as a father who lost his daughter and promises his best. Reusing the Hyperion Gate, Kratos and Pandora travels through Hera's Gardens, filled with giant vines and thorns that attempt to ensnare him and stab him as fights Hera but using his blades to chop open the plantlife as Pandora lures the vibes to Hera, damaging her. Kratos uses a surprise attack and kills Hera, ending all Greek plant life, and makes his way to the Labyrinth.

 

 

Completing this task, Kratos fights his way through the aerial puzzle and physical trials while Pandora solves the riddles on the wall  and challenging a god slaying Minotaur, which Pandora rescues Kratos from by using the fullest power which ends up distorting the Labyrinth. Kratos dumps Pandora into the pool causing her powers to surge and return. However her power soon become uncontrollable but Kratos talks her through it causing Pandora to conquer them. Pandora tells him to break the Chain of Balance that unites Mount Olympus and the Underworld so the Labyrinth can be raised, and she can reach her box. Neutralizing the three judges and breaking the chain, Kratos raises the Labyrinth, and Pandora tries to enter the Flame of Olympus. Zeus intervenes and fights Kratos and Pandora as dark magic, god blades and lightning strikes clash, the two are still overpowered by Zeus; after a brief battle, Pandora sacrifices herself and quenches the flame, despite Kratos' protests as it will kill her and His care for the child. Pandora assures Kratos she’ll be fine and that’s she’s doing it to end the cycle. Pandora dies as the flames quell and the box appears

 

 

A mournful and vengeful Kratos opens Pandora's Box but finds it empty, Kratos attacks Zeus who mocks him for his weakness. Gaia returns and tries to kill them, but they escape through her gaping chest wound and continue their battle inside her, working together to her internal organs (being giant pieces of land) whilst fighting each other. Gaia is killed when Kratos gets the upper hand and impales Zeus against her heart with the Blade of Olympus, which apparently also kills Zeus. When Kratos recovers the blade and tries to leave, he is attacked by Zeus' spirit and loses all of his weapons in the process. Before Zeus can land a fatal blow, Kratos is saved by Pandora’s soul during a journey into his psyche. With help from the spirits of his wife Lysandra and his daughter Calliope, Kratos forgives himself for his past sins. After discovering hope, he regains consciousness and beats Zeus' spirit back into his body. Kratos then discards the blades and beats Zeus to death with his bare hands, ending the reign of the Olympian Gods.

 

 

As the chains fall off his arms, Athena reappears, demanding that Kratos return what she thinks he took from Pandora's Box. She refuses to believe the box was empty, explaining that when Zeus sealed the evils of the world in the box, she placed hope in it, foreseeing that it would eventually be opened. Athena realizes that when Kratos opened the box to defeat Ares, the evils escaped and infected the gods while Kratos was imbued with hope, which enabled him to kill Ares. She tells Kratos to return her power, saying that she knows how to use it to rebuild what had been destroyed. Distrusting Athena, tired of being used as a pawn as well as his own destructive pattern of revenge, Kratos refuses; saying his vengeance has ended, as impales himself with the Blade of Olympus and releases hope to heal all he had destroyed. An angry Athena pulls the sword from him, saying that he has disappointed her and leaves empty-handed. Near death, Kratos collapses as Athena leaves and lets out an anguished scream.

 

 

In a post-credits scene, a trail of blood leads away from an abandoned Blade of Olympus, with Kratos' whereabouts unknown.

 

 

Edited September 23, 2019 by YourMother the Edgelord

[Ezen Baklattan]

Walking With You

 

Director: Chloe Zhao

Cast: Ludi Lin (Cole), Kelly Marie Tran (Jenna)

 

Genre: Sci-Fi/Drama/Romance

Date: January 21st

Theaters: 3,349

Runtime: 114min (1hr, 54min)

Rating: PG-13 for disturbing images and intense violence, some sexual content, and language

Budget: $50 million

 

Spoiler

Warfare, disease, and natural disasters are tearing the world apart. The economy is falling apart, nuclear bombs have been deployed numerous times, and the population of the world has been dwindled to only a couple million people. Hope is scarce as ever, and people will do whatever it takes to survive in this nightmare-ish world. Shanty towns are appearing within the cold, desolate cities, and animals have turned into odd, mutated beasts. It seems as though only the toughest can survive this world alone.

 

Jenna is the daughter of a man named Phillip, the ruler of New Broadway, a small community in a place that once was Central Park, New York City. Its population is only 736. Jenna has been lonely ever since her remaining family died from Virus Zero, the major disease that helped bring the world to its downfall. Her dream is to visit the capital, (Washington DC) which had become a sanctuary of the arts and knowledge rather than a place of politics. Unfortunately, her dreams are sidetracked by the fact that everyone else cares more about keeping the community safe, and traveling alone would lead to a likely death. The community is highly conservative, and also devalues Jenna's place due to her being a woman.

 

Jenna would often make a habit of exploring the buildings and desolate malls of the city, imagining what life was like just a century ago. A few friendly animals would sometimes come close to her, but Jenna is still hesitant around them, knowing all of the precautions to be safe. She'd also create art in the abandoned subways in the city below. Many people in this city mean well, and Jenna offers kindness to the people who pass by. However, she is dismissed as naive and reckless, potentially putting her community in danger. Jenna is tired of her family constantly treating her like a child.

 

One day, she meets a brave freelance traveler who has never had anyone close to him. His name was Cole. Cole was a dried up, introverted, and rather secretive man. However, he needed to restock his things, so he decided to stop at the village of New Broadway to resupply. He soon meets Jenna, who heals a wound that he had received on his leg using some advanced medicine that was developed years ago. Cole is impressed with Jenna's ability, who detects that the town doesn't appreciate all that she's capable of. She agrees, interested in Cole's life as a traveler of the country. That night, Jenna talks to Philip about the stranger, and their argument comes to a boil, that eventually leads to Philip blasting his daughter's recklessness and telling her that if she leaves, she is not welcome back. Jenna knows that he's being unreasonable, but also feels like she can't stay here because of how he treats her.

 

Cole soon leaves town, but Jenna asks if she can come with him. He was heading in the direction of the former Washington DC anyways, and Jenna says that it was always her dream to visit the capital of arts. Jenna also says that traveling alone is dangerous. Cole initially refuses, saying that this journey is too dangerous for her and that he has held up fine alone, but she promises that she can take care of herself. Cole finally caves, allowing her to join him on his journey. Jenna slips a small metal object into her bag. She says that she's bringing it in case the worst happens. Cole and Jenna are initially ambushed by a gang of bandits, but Jenna is able to shoot them all with remarkable aim using her pistol, impressing Cole. "Told you."

 

As their journey continues, Cole & Jenna are faced with many more obstacles, such as attacks from wild animals. However, Cole feels as though Jenna is finally giving him something worth fighting for in a seemingly hopeless world. At one point, Jenna shows him a special film she made, a documentary of the brighter times of humanity based on information and archive footage that she found on her own time. They watch it on a special film reel, which Jenna projects onto an abandoned drive-in theater. It was the first time that Cole was truly happy. Cole tells Jenna that his parents died when he was just 8, leaving him alone. He learned at a young age to wield many weapons and find resources, although he lost his childlike innocence and joy of life soon after.

 

Jenna and Cole stop at an old suburb, messing around in restaurants that somehow still had good food frozen up and also exploring the natural takeover of cities once ruled by man. Cole starts to feel a joy and hope that had been forgotten in his life long before. Eventually, they find a group of individuals who seemingly need help. Cole wants to keep moving, but Jenna wants to help. They get into a brief argument privately, but Jenna takes things into her own hands. A few members of their community watch as an old woman is trapped under a caved in building. Jenna manages to wrangle up the tools, seeing that the woman fell into a watery pit underneath. Cole tries to stop her, but Jenna goes in. As Jenna finds the woman, they are attacked by a band of angry animals. Jenna manages to hold them back, but can't get out. Cole, however, is able to find a way to save both.

 

The town celebrates their act of kindness and promises to provide them with a night of rest, food, and slumber. Cole remarks that he wants to keep moving, but Jenna insists on staying. She promises Cole that in light of how bad the world has become, they still have to let themselves trust other people. That night, Cole is shown a kindness he had not experienced in so long, but still keeps his guard up. They are soon on their way, roaming through the mountains and camping out under the stars. The feel a deep, romantic kinship towards one another, spending the night lost in discussion.

 

They soon arrive in the capital city, and Jenna wants to go to the Smithsonian to marvel at its display of old human knowledge. Even Cole is impressed by the vast sum of knowledge, art, and film that the city has. However, it appears that the city was a trap. The city has become overrun by a group of savage criminals, who will kill and invaders in their territory. Jenna becomes scared, even though she had been able to face every challenge thus far on her journey. That was no means, however, against her biggest challenge so far. One man, Ciaphas, offers to let Jenna and Cole into his home to stay the night, but even Jenna hesitates to trust him. Cole is soon injured in a land mine by the city, and they are forced to accept his offer.

 

They stay the night as Ciaphas tends to the man's wounds. However, it becomes clear that Ciaphas is trying to drug both Cole and Jenna and offer them as fresh meat for a local gang. Jenna and Cole, both taken under, desperately try to escape. Cole, still being injured, struggles to make it to an underground tunnel as Ciaphas tries to find them. Jenna sees a few gang members chasing after them, presumably sent by Ciaphas. She carefully times her shots to cut down supports underground and cause a cave in, keeping them separate. They keep moving, but Cole, however, gets trapped inside what looks like a deep, muddy pit. Jenna desperately tries to rescue him, but given his injury, it's clear that he won't be able to make it much further.

 

The two begin to prepare for the worst, desperately expressing their love for one another as Jenna struggles to bring him out of the mud before he drowns. They share one last kiss, as Cole hands Jenna a phone-like device. "There's a lot you need to see....please do me a favor. Pretend I'm still here. Walking with you." Cole sinks into the mud, almost submerged completely.

 

Through a silent montage, a heartbroken Jenna fights her way to the outskirts of the city and desperately tries to fight off the gang members and attacks from more wild creatures. She makes it to a caravan of migrants and manages to somehow sneak a ride. Heartbroken, yet confident that she will be able to keep moving, Jenna looks to the skies, along with the people around her. She's known that just because the world around her may collapse, the urge to fight and the state of humanity is something that will not leave them. Jenna looks at the device, which contains a map and various audio recordings, as the camera fades out to the sky.

[Rorschach]

Little Black Bugs

 

Genre: Psychological Horror

Studio: Lager Pictures Classics

Based on the Short Story by Vincent V. Cava

Directed by Guy Maddin

Produced by Christopher Lager, Maria Lager, David Lynch, Brian Henson

Music by Stuart A. Staples

Director of Photography: Yorick Le Saux

Puppetry and Practical Effects: The Jim Henson Company

 

Cast: Devon Bostick as Charlie, Britt Robinson as Elizabeth, Miles Robbins as Chuck

 

Release Date: February 25th, Y6

Theater Count: 2,723

Runtime: 83 minutes

Format: 3D

Budget: $15 million

MPAA Rating: R for disturbing bloody images, frightening sequences, language and brief sexual content.

Note: The film is shot completely in Black-and-White with a dream-like atmosphere very similar to David Lynch’s Eraserhead.

 

Plot:

Spoiler

Charlie is a first year college student who moves in with his obese, repugnant older brother Donald’s apartment in off-campus student housing complex. When Charlie arrives, he goes door-to-door to meet all of his new neighbors. One of his neighbors, Elizabeth, a second-year Biochemistry student, catches Charlie off guard as he is stunned by how beautiful she is. 

 

The two get to know each other and Elizabeth is shocked to learn that Charlie is Donald’s younger brother. A few other neighbors join in on their conversation, each sharing horror stories about the foul stench they often caught when passing too closely to Donald’s apartment or the times they caught a glimpse of the contents inside his apartment whenever Donald opened up his blinds. Charlie jokes along with them, saying that he’s not even sure his brother is human. However, he starts to tune them all out as an overwhelming feeling of embarrassment and dread builds up inside of him, knowing in his heart that none of his neighbors know the full extent of Donald’s slothfulness nature.

 

Charlie is repulsed by the state of apartment. Donald (portrayed via a large puppet and stand-ins), having lived alone for two years, had simply neglected to clean up after himself. The apartment is filled to the brim with trash bags with fast food, half-eaten pizza in them, and other moldy food strewn about the living room and the kitchen. The bathroom is nuked to the brim in filth with the inside once white toilet bowl completely caked in orange and both the sink and the shower being clogged up with hair and white gloop which what Charlie assumes to be radioactive. None of that prepares Charlie for what lies in Donald’s room. In the room, he finds it completely littered with unwashed clothes and wadded up tissues all over the ground and a few red solo cups on his night stand with Donald’s pee in them. Charlie declares to himself that the place isn’t even inhabitable for a barnyard animal. 

 

Despite being invited by Elizabeth and a few other neighbors to the beginning of the year barbecue, Charlie sadly declines, knowing that coming back to his apartment with red meat and booze would make for an awful combination. Instead, he decides to do a full clean sweep of the whole apartment, which takes him nearly the whole rest of his day.

 

While disinfecting the fridge, Charlie feels something bite him on his neck. Charlie slaps his neck, grabbing what bit him and examining it in his hand: a little black bug, about a millimeter in size with features similar to a lady bug and two sharp antenna poking from its head. He doesn’t recognize the species of insect but figures it to be a common pantry pest. From the corner of his eye, Charlie sees another bug scurrying by. He swiftly crushes the bug with his hand and squeezes the life out of the other one already in his other hand. 

 

As the weeks wear on and classes start, Charlie starts to clean the apartment on a daily basis as Donald manages to undo all of his progress by the time he gets back from class. Charlie ends up spending the majority of his time cleaning, leaving his only spare time dedicated to doing classwork and studying - though the enormity of the cleaning gives him little time to do either - and forcing Charlie to sacrifice having a social life. This causes Charlie to begin resenting Donald, seeing his brother as more inhuman than human. Charlie also starts to find more and more bugs throughout all the corners and crevices of the apartment. He buys large amounts of pesticide to try and control the numbers but he figures that many more have to be hiding within the walls and floors.

 

One day, after class, Charlie runs into one of his neighbors, Chuck, a second-year senior and stoner that is one of the only other people that Charlie despises, by the dumpster where Charlie throws away bags filled with Donald’s “love-tissues”. Chuck asks Charlie where he’s been all week, telling him he missed a pretty dope party over the weekend. Charlie tells Chuck that he’s been busy studying all week. Chuck cuts him off to brag that he and Elizabeth on the third floor had sex at the party. Charlie raises an eyebrow, not believing a word Chuck is saying. Chuck affirms that he’s telling the truth and that they’ve been having sex daily for the past week or so. Charlie composes himself from nearly socking Chuck in the nose. He smiles, telling Chuck that he’s happy for him.

 

On his way up to his apartment, Charlie stops by Elizabeth’s apartment to see if Chuck is telling the truth. He is once-again caught off guard by her beauty and stutters over his words. Through his garbled mess of words, he manages to ask her if she’d like to guy out for a bite to eat sometimes. Elizabeth smiles, “Oh I’d love to but I’m actually seeing someone else. You know Chuck Volderschmidt, right?”

 

The world around Charlie and Elizabeth fades into the ether as Charlie’s heart stops. He mutters something incomprehensible to her before shuffling off in embarrassment and shame. Charlie arrives back at his apartment, finding Donald asleep in the living room watching TV. Charlie looks around the apartment and gives a deep sigh, resolving to do some busywork to get his mind off Elizabeth and Chuck.

 

As he is cleaning Donald’s room, Charlie comes across a pizza box on Donald’s nightstand. Charlie stares at the fat italian man giving a thumbs up to Charlie. Charlie rolls his eyes. Curious, he lifts up the lid of the box but drops it in horror when he sees what’s inside: dozens of little black bugs swarming around pieces of uneaten pizza and bathing in the grease. As soon as Charlie drops the box, the bugs explode out of the box, scurrying around Donald’s room in every direction. 

 

From the living room, a large fart sound followed by a loud snort cause Charlie to cringe. He starts to feel the anger rise in him as thoughts of Chuck and Elizabeth having sex mixed with Donald’s pig-like snorts flood his mind. Finally, he snaps. Charlie goes to the living room where finds Donald still sleeping on the couch. In rage, Charlie gets on top of Donald and starts to strangle him. Donald wakes up and tries to fight back against his brother but lacks the strength to do so as Charlie overpowers him. The two struggle for a few minutes as Charlie slowly takes the life out of Donald. 

 

Charlie gets off his brother, physically exhausted and completely drenched in sweat. He stares at Donald’s wide-eyed, lifeless body as he tries to catch his breath. Reality starts to settle in as Charlie goes to peak outside the door to his apartment to see if anyone heard the commotion. Thankfully, he finds the hallway deserted. Staring back at Donald’s corpse, Charlie gets an idea.

 

After finding a giant, discarded cardboard box used to store furniture by the garbage, Charlie brings it up to his room and by some miracle manages to fit Donald’s almost thousand pound corpse into it. Charlie closes up box and drags it down the hall to the elevator without anyone seeing him. On the ground level, he drags the box to his car and lifts it into the back of his car.

 

Charlie punches in the address of his parents’ lake house on his GPS. On the hour and thirty minute drive there, he basks in the relief of not having to deal with his brother anymore. He also remembers back to a moment in his childhood where he and his dad went fishing in the lake. As the two watch the sunrise come up on the horizon. The dad rattles off obscure facts about the lake to Charlie, telling his son that the lake has a surface area of about 17 square miles and it's been measured at its deepest point to be 518 feet deep. The dad teases Charlie not to fall in the water, joking that anything can hide in a lake this big. Present day Charlie smirks as his father’s words echo in his mind. 

 

Arriving at the secluded lake house, Charlie drags his brother’s body to his father’s toolshed. In order to cover up his tracks, Charlie decides that it’d be best to get rid of two of the easiest ways Donald’s body could be identified: his teeth and his fingers. He finds a giant tarp and rolls it out on the ground, laying Donald’s body on top of it. 

 

As Charlie looks for pliers in his father’s tool bench to yank out Donald’s teeth, Charlie hears a sound coming from Donald. In fear, he slowly turns around to see his brother’s chest moving. Donald’s head slowly looks towards Sam, staring at his brother in the eyes. Charlie calls out his brother’s name in fearful confusion. 

 

Suddenly, the body starts to convulse violently causing Charlie to jump back in terror. A loud, sharp hissing sound emanates from Donald’s mouth. Charlie covers his ears in pain. Donald’s mouth starts to erratically twitch as if he was trying to talk. Instead of words, though, a plethora of black bugs comes out instead. They swarm the entire room, engulfing everything insight. The bugs climb onto Charlie, digging under his clothes. Charlie dances around trying to get all of them off of him. 

 

He runs out of the toolshed and towards the dock on the lake. Without thinking twice, he jumps into the icy cold lake in an attempt to drown all of the little bastards. In the excitement and panic, Charlie forgets to hold his breath and water begins to pour down his esophagus. He fights to swim up but manages to grab hold of the ladder, yanking himself into the air. Charlie climbs up onto the deck and collapses.

 

After resting a bit, Charlie realizes how pressed for time he is, and goes back to the shed. A few of the bugs still linger about as Charlie crushes all of the ones he can find. Getting to work, he uses pliers to yank out all of Donald’s teeth then cuts off his hands with a handsaw. Satisfied with the job, Charlie rolls Donald up in the tarp and drags his brother’s body out to the rowboat on the dock. He rows out a decent ways away to where he believes the deepest point may be. Charlie deadlifts the body up and pushes it into the lake. He watches it sink and then disappear into the murky depths below. 

 

Getting back to dry land, Charlie uses Donald’s hands to smear fingerprints all over the car. When he finishes, he buries the hands out in the woods. Before leaving, Charlie tidies up his father’s shed to make it look spotless then goes into his parents' house and takes his father’s revolver with him in case something down the line goes awry. As he gets in his car, Charlie feels a familiar prick on his neck. He snatches the little black bug and watches it try to squirm its way out of his hands. Before it can escape, Charlie crushes it between his fingers. “Good riddance.”

 

Charlie abandons the car in a Hardee’s parking lot southeast of his campus, figuring it’d be an appropriate place for Donald’s trail to run cold. He walks until he finds a nearby bus stop and looks at the schedule posted. He sees that the next bus will come around 5:00 A.M and that his college campus is included in one of the stops. Charlie checks his watch. It reads 4:50 A.M. With thirty minutes to spare, he takes a seat at one of the benches.

 

A homeless man comes up to the bus stop and sits next to Charlie. Weirded out, Charlie scoots away from him until he is nearly hanging off the edge of the bench. Both men stare ahead waiting for the bus. The old man rocks back and forth mumbling incoherently to himself. 

 

This continues on as the mumbling gets louder and louder until the man begins to shake his fists in the air in anger. His words begin to sound more clear, “He’s dead! He’s dead! His own flesh and blood, his baby brother! Why? Why, baby brother?” 

 

Charlie shoots up from the bench and backs up in fear. The man moves towards him, walking like a zombie. “Why, baby brother? Murder! His own flesh and blood!” A flash of light appears in the distance behind Charlie, who turns around and sees the bus coming to his rescue. The hobo lunges at him, grabbing Charlie by the collar of his sweatshirt. The two meet each other’s faces as Charlie stares horrified at the man’s cracked face. As the homeless man continues to shout, a low hissing sound comes from his mouth. “He’s dead, baby brother! Murdered by his own flesh!” Bugs begin pouring out of all of the man’s sockets in his face. 

 

Luckily, Charlie pushes the man off of him as the bus pulls up to the stop. The homeless man darts away into the night as Charlie sits on the asphalt. He gets up, dusts himself off and heads onto the bus. The bus driver and the other two passengers stare ahead, all in groggy states of mind. Charlie takes a seat in the back and tries to catch his breath.

 

Charlie arrives back at his apartment and stares at all the junk lying around his apartment. He breathes a sigh of relief, though, knowing full well that it'll be the last time he’d have to do a mass clean-up. After doing a thorough cleaning of the entire apartment, Charlie collapses on his bed, exhausted, and falls asleep.

 

Several hours later, Charlie awakens just as the sun is starting to set. He sits up, feeling all the muscles in his body burning and aching. Though he wants to continue resting, Charlie knows he has to pad his alibi. He calls the police to report his car missing. An officer shows up to take down his information. The bored officer takes down notes as Charlie puts on his concerned brother act. The cop assures him that everything will be alright and that they’ll keep him updated on the search. The officer leaves and Charlie smiles in confidence as he shuts the door behind him.

 

Later that evening, while Charlie studies for one of his classes, he feels a prick on the back of his neck. Charlie yelps, twisting himself around to grab the insect. He pauses, though, stricken with fear when he begins to hear a loud hiss coming through the walls. Charlie gets up from his desk and walks to the origin of the noise, coming from the wall facing his bed. He slowly puts his hand up to the wall, then jumps back when he feels something move behind it.

 

Backing away, Charlie grabs his ears as the hissing sound becomes deafening. The bedroom wall begins to throb in a way similar to a person slowly breathing. As the hissing persists, he begins to mutate into something else entirely: into words. “Heeeeeeee’s dead. Heeeeeeeeee’s dead. Why baby brother? Why?” Charlie tumbles to the ground as all the wall around his bedroom begins to move in waves. “You killed him. Why? He was our’s. Now you’ll be too. You’ll be ours or we’ll ruin you.” Charlie screams at the top of his lungs curling into a ball as the walls start to close in on him.

 

A knock at the door echoes through the apartment. Charlie opens his eyes, seeing the room is back to normal. Another knock at the door brings Charlie out of his stupor as he gets up to go answer the door. He finds Chuck and Elizabeth standing out front. Chuck says they thought they heard a scream, asking if everything’s okay. Charlie makes up an excuse that he tripped and fell on his wrist in his room. A concerned Elizabeth asks if they should call a doctor. Charlie shakes his head and laughs, saying that he should just be more careful and watch where he’s going. Chuck jokes that the next time he hears a scream like that coming from the apartment, it better be because he has a hot girl in there with him. He grabs Elizabeth, saying they should get back to her apartment. He mouths something to Charlie before sticking his tongue through a peace sign he makes. Weirded out, Charlie rolls his eyes and closes the door behind him. He breathes a sigh of relief.

 

As he contemplates to himself, the words “He was our’s. Now you’ll be too. You’ll be ours or we’ll ruin you,” repeats in Charlie’s mind. He comes to the realization that Donald had been a sort of god to the pests, creating a haven of filth for them to bask in. With Donald gone, they were gonna make Charlie their new host. If Charlie doesn’t cooperate, they’ll ruin him. Charlie smirks: If it’s a god they want, it’s a god they’re gonna get.

 

Charlie purchases the most expensive fogger he can find at Home Depot. He sets it up in his bedroom, following the instructions and setting the thing off. He leaves his apartment for the day to go to classes.

 

Throughout the day, a paranoid Charlie constantly looks over his shoulder, feeling like he's being watched. While he tries to get his mind off things by studying for his midterms, he starts to notice everyone around him staring at him, giving him judgmental looks. All of the students, his professors, and even passer bys in the street give him glares, as if they know what happened. Feeling overwhelmed, Charlie ducks into the library and finds an isolated cubicle to rest in. Exhausted, he falls asleep.

 

The warmth of the library fades away as Charlie finds himself back at the lake, walking on top of the water. Slowly, his body begins to phase downward into the icy cold water. He squirms, trying to fight back but is powerless to stop as his body is submerged underwater. He continues to try and swim upward but gives up as his body sinks lower and lower into the ether. 

 

At a hundred feet, Charlie feels the pressure of water cracking at his head and his lung burning. He opens his mouth, letting the water consume his lungs. Dread shoots through his body when he sees something down below him: Donald’s bloated and half-eaten corpse lying on the tarp at the very bottom of the lake. Donald’s sunken eyes stare in disdain as Charlie as wheezy, croaky words come out of the mouth of his once-living brother:

 

“They’re not dead. You can’t get rid of them. They want to make you like me.”

 

Donald gives a crooked, satisfied smile. “You’ll be theirs. You’ll be theirs or they’ll ruin you.” He opens his mouth. Charlie tries to swim away as his brother grows to a gigantic size. A loud hissing sound burns Charlie’s ears as he is sucked into the endless ether. 

 

Charlie awakes from his nightmare, gasping for air. He looks up to see a librarian scowling at him. Charlie looks away, grabbing his things and running out of the library. 

 

Charlie realizes that his brother was right and that the bugs won’t compromise: they have already spilled their secrets to everyone around Charlie. They’ve effectively ruined him and soon enough, they’ll spill his secret to the cops. He realizes that there is no winning against the bugs… but maybe there is a way. A sadistic smile comes across his face as he realizes what he has to do.

 

Realizing that an expensive fogger isn’t going to kill off the bugs, Charlie figures fire will do the trick. He buys some gasoline and some matches and makes his way back to his apartment. When Charlie reaches his hallway, he hears the loud, unmistakable hissing sound coming from his apartment. Taking a deep breath, he opens up his apartment to find it completely swarmed with the little black bugs. The hissing grows louder as Charlie locks his door uncaps the bucket of gasoline. “You guys want a god? Well you’re getting the old testament one.”

 

With that, he begins to spread gasoline all over the apartment, pouring a little bit in each room of the apartment. The bugs convulse and move around with Charlie, hissing at him to stop. “You can’t do this! You’re ours now!” Charlie ignores them, painting the walls in gas. “Stop this!” Charlie laughs. He reaches the bathroom and pours gas in there as well. Bugs trickle out of the shower head and the sink. Charlie runs the water on both in an attempt to drown some of them. “Stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!!!” 

 

Charlie stumbles out of the bathroom and makes his way to Donald’s room. As he douses Donald’s bed in gasoline, Charlie is hit on the back of the head by something. He falls to the ground in pain. Blood trickles from the back of his head. Regaining himself, Charlie picks himself up and turns his head towards the doorway.

 

He sees the hord standing there, as a vaguely anthropomorphic figure, with arms, legs, and a tiny lump where the head should be. Charlie blinks as his woozy eyes adjust to what he’s seeing. On the figure, he sees what should be the skin moving and convulsing to and thro. Charlie stares at the figure, then eyes the gas can. He tries to grab it but the figure lunges at Charlie, pinning him to the ground. He squirms and tugs at the thing as the loud hissing sound emanates from it. “You’ll be ours. You’ll be ours! RIGHT. NOW!”

 

The bugs break into a million pieces. They cake Charlie’s entire body, moving across every orphus and crevasse of his body, under his skin and flooding his mouth. The bugs invade every organ, swarming all around until they cover everything. Charlie screams in agony, convulsing and writhing on the ground, until passing out. The screen goes black. 

 

When Charlie comes to, he winces in pain. Outside his door, he can hear the sounds of policeman banging at his door, demanding to come in. He looks down at his body, seeing himself completely covered in bug bites. He feels like he’s unable to breathe. He goes to the bathroom and looks in the mirror. He opens up his mouth to see bugs writhing up and down the back of his throat. Charlie yelps in shock. The hissing starts up again, emanating from within Charlie’s head.

 

“Now you are us. And we are you. One in the same. There is no escape now. It’s either us. Or them. Choose wisely. Or we’ll ruin you.”

 

Charlie hears the sound of the banging outside his apartment door. Realizing both the police and the bugs are growing restless, Charlie smiles maniacally.

 

“You’ve already ruined me.”

 

He grabs a match from his pocket. He lights it and holds it in his hand

 

“So how about I ruin you?”

“NO!”

 

Charlie flicks the match in the air and walks out of the bathroom. The match hits the ground, lighting up the floor. As he goes to grab his father’s handgun, Charlie feels arm fighting back against him. The hissing grows to near deafening levels, the crackling of flames, and the banging outside the apartment door grows louder, all building and building until Charlie holds the gun up to his temple and pulls the trigger. 

 

He falls onto the ground, being engulfed in the flames. Inside his body, the bugs panic and try to escape as they are cooked alive along with the organs. The writhing in Charlie’s body slowly subsides as the camera stays static on his burning flesh. The sound of hissing coming from his body slowly fades away into nothing. 

 

~

 

From the Miskatonic News, October 22nd:

 

A news report gives details of six students reported dead in a possible arson started on the third floor of a student housing apartment complex of a university campus. The reporter says an investigation has led officials to believe that the fire was started by a third year student named Donald Miller. The reporter also says that a gunshot, believed to be from Miller’s apartment, had alerted students in the building to the fire, allowing most of the building’s residents to evacuate unharmed. 

 

The new story goes into Miller’s life, with those who knew him saying he lived alone and was extremely introverted. One of his floormates, Elizabeth Dyer, gives a testimony on camera. She says she didn’t know him that well but that he was hard on himself when they did speak - he seemed to have self-esteem issues. She notes that it was strange that he was always cleaning his apartment and complaining about how dirty it was. Though she says no one, not even her, ever saw the inside of the apartment, but she can’t imagine it was as bad as he says it was. She recounts how it seems like every day, he’d come home with a shopping bag full of cleaning supplies.

 

The reporter says that Miller’s parents have boh declined to comment at this time about their only son’s involvement in the fire but offered their condolences to the families of the ones who lost their loved ones in the fire. Donald Miller’s body and the five others who died were also recovered from the building. An autopsy report showed that he died from a fatal gunshot wound after the fire started. No drugs or alcohol were in his body at the time of his death. However, the coroner's report shows that along with severe burns, there were also severe bug bites within his body. The report ends saying that at this time, police are still investigating the role that Donald Miller played in starting the fire.

 

Edited September 24, 2019 by Rorschach

[YM!]

Off-Road

Studio: Endless Entertainment 

Legendary Pictures

Genre: Racing/Action

Release Date: 11/4/Y6

Director: David Leitch

Producer: Neal H. Moritz

Writers: Chris Morgan and Drew Pearce

Score: Henry Jackman

Theater Count: 4,062

Budget: $165M

Format: 3D, PLFs and IMAX 2D/3D

Rating: PG-13

Runtime: 116 minutes 

Cast:

Michael B Jordan as Henry Rivett

Chris Hemsworth as Oliver Sharp

Hannah John-Kamek as Aria Kimall

David Henrie as Santiago

Yoo Seung-ho as Jeon

Elza Gonzalez as Camila Gutierrez 

Keanu Reeves as Liam Jones

Luke Evans as Bishop Woolworth III

Keifer Suitherland as Admiral Anthony Washington

Don Lee as Yun Sim

Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as Landslide

Meagan Good as Kerry Rivett

Tommy Lee Jones as President Clark Eastmond

 

Spoiler

In the year 2075, Earth has reached disastrous expectations for the environment. Water is abundant but only for powerful countries, oxygen is polluted with trees scarce and wildlife species such as monkeys and horses have gone extinct. However, once every five years, all of the countries big and small have competed in a deadly and life risking race dubbed the World’s Cup hosted on a tropical island near Korea dubbed Alkenia, where all the countries pool in a certain amount of resources which when together make enough for a country to last 20 years. 

 

Enter the city of Milwaukee as Henry Rivett, a good hearted rebel street racer alongside his nerdy and neurotic pitman/best friend Santiago who faces off against his rival, the deadly street criminal Landslide as the two use their souped out all-terrain cars to race through the futuristic city of Milwaukee, racing on the sewer water, racing on top of buildings and gilding head to a construction zone as Landslide presses a button on his car that fires bullets at a nearby control machine causing the zone to flare with life as narrowly escapes. Henry and Santiago avoid swinging girders and tubes along with cranes with many close calls as Santiago sees Landslide close to the harbor. Gaining an idea, Henry prepares to uses all resources of fuel to give them a boost to the finish. Santiago agrees that it could work but at the same time, they need to gain high enough altitude and could total the ship. Henry takes the risk, heads up the top of the construction site, then descends rapidly and zooms nears the harbor thanks to a built in set of gliders while the ship flares and smokes up. Landslide gloats to himself as Henry’s car rushes in front of him and crashes, barely winning the race.

 

Landslide attempts to jump Henry and Santiago alongside his men but the police apprehend everyone as the police chief, Santiago’s father bails them out. Little does anyone know, a camera watching them is sent back to a government base as we see Admiral Anthony Washington, watching their potential contestants for the World’s Cup racing but none of them having the raw talent despite record speeds and skills. A surveillance delighted to find America’s next racer. 

 

As we cut back to Henry, it is revealed that Henry is a struggling father and husband to his wife Kerry and their newborn son Miles and is trying their best to provide them despite living in poverty, resorting to underground street races to make cash as he is extremely talented as he wanted to be a racer like his father Jonas Rivett who was a World’s Cup champion but died in a race when he was young. Kerry scolds her husband for being so reckless which Henry admits he’s been an ass but promises to stop.

 

Henry is later approached by several FBI agents on his way back home alongside Santiago as the two are bought to Anthony. Anthony explains that he has carefully been surveying Henry and has enough potential to win the World’s Cup, showing them his previous races. Santiago retorts that they spent billions of dollars watching people race and choose randomly. Anthony says the government watches everything and points out Santiago is a naughty boy who loves golden showers based on his internet history. Anthony attempts to reveal more but Santiago insists he’ll shut up. Anthony offers Henry a $150,000 bonus for if he enters, and will set his family as well as if he wins. If Henry refuses they can lock both of them up. Henry agrees under the condition Santiago is his mechanic, his choice of car and gets a piece as well as it’s a one time thing.

 

Anthony then shows Henry the car collection as we see a variety of souped up Lamborghinis and Bugattis as well as some Corvettes. Henry chooses a black and gold Ford GT which resembles his father’s car as Anthony walks Henry through the rule in that he can’t kill others directly otherwise there’s no rules. Santiago then geeks out about the car’s features showing the car is capable of underwater travel as well as wheels that allow it to tread any surface as well as assorted with spikes, grappling hooks and boosters. Anthony says it’s the finest model available as Santiago says this is some next level shit. 

 

As a trial test, Henry races his car in a high tech simulation which simulates driving through a cutting-edge obstacle course. Henry struggles at first due to a bit of his own nervousness but as he blazes through the course with Santiago giving him advice on how to win as well as Anthony coaching him.

 

Henry asks and is allowed to goes home to tell his wife of him being selected for World’s Cup which Kerry reluctantly accepts but not before warning him to be safe. Henry, Santiago and Anthony leave on a tanker but not before meeting the president, Clark Eastmond, a professional yet well meaning and affable guy as we get a glorious views of tankers around the globe heading to Alkenia, a tropical island with dazzling seas, an active volcano, lush jungles and series of mountains which we see a giant hotel where racers from all countries.

 

Henry and Santiago meet with their fellow racers as Santiago tells Henry to play it cool as Henry does while Santiago is silently geeking out due to all the racers. The duo meets the cocky and charismatic Oliver Sharp from Australia who Henry gets into an immediate rivalry with, the loner Aria Kimall from Germany who Santiago has a crush on, the kind hearted yet tough Liam Jones from Canada, suave and gentlemanly Bishop Woolworth from Britain and the jokester Camila Gutierrez from Columbia.

 

The two also bump into the South Korea trillionaire of NuSource (a philanthropist organization bent to provide resources to humanity) who funds most of the event, the kind Yun Sim, as well as the honor bound racer Jeon, who the two also come into conflict with. The first race is on the mountainous region of Alkenia, filled with canyons, and an active volcano. The racers all line up as the announcer is excited about the spectacle of the event and typical commentator stuff.

 

The light turns green as the racers blaze across the field as the tires suddenly become rigid and rigid as the cars doing insane tricks, as multiple clashes and collisions happen with the environment. Santiago acts as the advisor for Henry. Sharp is ahead and uses his blasters to shoot the entrance to the volcano to cause a cave in as Henry barely dodges the falling rocks as Jeon, Aria and Liam head right behind them. As the racers avoid lava as they head to the top of the ash coated exit of the volcano. Suddenly though Liam’s and Sharp’s tires give out as Jeon zips past and takes the lead. Using some expertise skills, and using the boosters of his car despite protests from Santiago and Washington, Henry as well as contacting Aria to help saves Liam and Sharp from being caught from the erupt. Jeon makes it to the peak and glides down the volcano using flaps and a built in glider on his car to land in the lead. 

 

The others racers follow suit as Jeon wins the first race as Henry, Aria, Sharp, Liam in the respective places. Bishop takes sixth as half of the countries who entered are eliminated. Henry notices something off about Liam and Sharp’s tires giving out but is congratulated by Washington and Santiago. Sharp also swallows his pride and thanks Henry for his help. A dinner is held for the winning racers and crew mates as the government discuss the race; Henry bonds with Sharp, having a brother like connection due to both losing their fathers at a young age and a similar attitude as well as becoming acquaintances with the racers, Santiago attempts to flirt with Aria but is instantly shot down as Liam helps him, as Camilla and Bishop trade well meaning jabs at Santiago, who bonds with Camilla due to her insight on racing gear and mechanical knowledge. Jeon is nowhere to be seen as Yun Sim explains Jeon always rest after racers and requires solitude. 

 

Henry is called in by Washington who gives him advice on his drifting which needs work as he says there’s a lot of Jonas in him as Washington gleeful discusses Jonas past races and said Jonas always loved Henry as the two connect. Washington also tells Henry to keep his head in the game for the country which Henry agrees he’ll try.

 

The next race is in the seas around the island, explaining that most of the race is underwater but will reach the point as soon as they hit the small cave. The announcer also warns racers that they must not go deeper than 250 feet underwater as the pressure would be too much for the cars. The racers rev up their engines and dive as their cars shift for aquatic travel as the wheels become propellers and doors lock and become airtight to prevent water flow. 

 

As the racers dodge sealife like shark and octopi as well as trenches, the race goes smoothly as Henry and Sharp compete against each other though much more well meaning. Liam attempts to pass them but crashes into a trenches, as the cars failsafe send the car up to the surface for air. Aria manages to swoop by the duo of bros but Camilla takes the lead but the foggy and murky water reveals a bed of sharp rock pillars which the four narrowly dodge but Camilla gets taken out as her car floods with water and falls down a trench. Once again, Henry tries to help save Camilla but can’t exit his car but gains an idea as they use their grappling nets to host Camilla’s car, however at the last minute Jeon saves Camilla with a spray from his car to patch up the spill before she drown but bolts off as the others come as suddenly the trench falls apart from a blast forcing the racers to make a rough getaway. Jeon attempts to make it to the finish line but Bishop beats him just in time.

 

The others follow suit but both Liam and Camilla are eliminated but are invited to stay and spectate with the other losing racers. The announcers note one of the car’s cameras caught the rescue but immediately shows evidence as foul play was expected. At the winners table, Henry and Jeon get into a heated argument as Henry suspects Jeon of foul play. Later the night with the help of Santiago, go to investigate the site but run into Jeon, as Henry and Jeon get into a competitive race across the island jungle area, narrowly avoiding quicksand and falling trees, both determined to stop one another as Henry manages to get Jeon to stop and explain himself as he threatens to throw him off the cliff.

 

Jeon says that he was sent by his country to investigate the World’s Cup for corruption as Henry asks about the sabotage as the two manage to fall down the cliff that leads to an underground laboratory which none of them knew. As the two stealthily move around it turns out a decent part of the island is artificial and on top of that, most of the world’s leaders and top government officials have fixed the games for years as it is revealed Bishop is the one behind the attacks and Washington set up Jeon to be a traitor, in order to add more intrigue to the sport while creating discourse for countries as they plan to make a pact to keep the resources via NuSource for themselves to create their own country. It is revealed that Yun Sim is the head of the entire organization, as the two competitors they’re competing on is Bishop and Henry. As long as either of them win, they win. Washington makes a case for Henry due to his origins and popularity which they agree to consider.

 

The two escape as Henry records information and takes some screenshots without being noticed but unfortunately they were filmed. Seeing this Washington enacts Alkenia’s defensive system as they attempt to haul the resources and leave. Jeon and Henry decide to work together to stop Bishop as they recruit Aria, Santiago, Camilla, Sharp and Liam to help. Suddenly, Alkenia starts to change as the island receives all type of cataclysmic weather like tornadoes and hailstorms, as the ground starts to crumble and rise as our heroes race across the country as Liam, Sharp, Santiago, and Camilla infiltrate the base as Henry, Jeon and Aria stop the planes from leaving. Washington and Yun Sim has grunts and Bishop  to dispatch to take care of them but Liam and Sharp take care of them. Henry, Jeon and Aria barely make it to the volcano and start shooting the planes down using their cars weapons but Washington fires at them destroying Jeon’s car.

 

Gaining an idea, using the boosters and glider, Henry drives the car at the plane as he and Jeon get onboard as Aria uses the glider to land and miss the plane barely. Henry fights Washington and Jeon fights Sim as the two barely win the intense fist fight. The four also turn off the system at the last second thanks to help from Aria bursting in, saving their peers as they escape on the planes. 

 

The seven are awarded as national heroes as Washington is arrested with Yun Sim and the rest of the NuSource scammers. President Eastmond apologizes for the fiasco admitting while Alkenia was artificial, never meant for this to happened, and makes a deal; as they found NuSource is only the skipping stone offers the seven jobs as agents for the government. Henry is unsure as Eastmond assures they’ll be more chilling races, dangerous scenarios but a decent sized paycheck which the seven except. Henry introduces his new friends to Kerry as they all have a giant barbecue having a good time, that leads to a race around the city in normal cars.

 

 

Edited September 24, 2019 by YourMother the Edgelord

[Ezen Baklattan]

Forgiveness

 

Director: Jonathan Levine

Writer: Nicole Holofcener

Cast: Charlize Theron (Rebecca Thompson), Jessica Chastain (Alice Wilkins), Naomi Scott (Marianne Washington), Eiza Gonzalez (Francesa Riviera), Yvette Nicole Brown (Tanya Connelly), Billy Eichner (Robert Hanson), Tye Sheridan (Ridley Thompson), Rhys Darby (Elias Thompson)

 

Genre: Crime

Theaters: 3,289

Release Date: June 24th

Rating: R for language throughout and some sexual content

Budget: $45 million

Runtime: 118min (1hr, 58min)

 

Spoiler

We open on setting the scene in the college debt crisis in america. Several students and people are interviewed, cut in with footage of the modern era. People feel pressured to go to college then forced to foot an exuberant bill. And then people act like we brought this upon ourselves. The style cuts with with a 60s thriller vibe, though still set in the modern day. An opening credits sequence is shown in the style of Saul Bass.

 

Rebecca Thompson (Theron) is one of the Boston's wealthiest women, proud to have sent her son off to Waverly University, a fictional Ivy League school. He life is lavish and powerful, and she's able to get a great deal of what she wants. She also has a deeply close bond with her college age son, Ridley (Sheridan). She's also close with the school's financial aid department, led by the fast witted, Hildy Johnson esque manager Alice Wilkins (Bullock), the cat and sweater obsessed Francesca Riviera (Gonzalez), and puzzle genius Robert Hanson (Eichner). Wilkins leads the department with kindness, reluctant to play the bad guy to a lot of different students. (We see a lot of less than friendly messages the gets) She does acknowledge that following orders is often a dubious excuse, so she has to take what she can get with these kinds of things.

 

Things however, change, when her husband, Elias (Darby), is revealed to have gotten his wealth through several fraudulent means. They're about to undergo several courtroom battles that could lead them to losing their finances or potentially even going to jail. Rebecca is eager to make sure his son can stay in school while desperately working with Alice and the staff. Alice has her hands full, so Francesca and Robert (slightly less than reluctantly) are able to take her calls. Marianne Washington (Scott), star student and senior majoring in Law and Information Sciences, is close with Alice, but she's struggling to get through the financial burden of school. Marianne leads a rally to make higher education more affordable, looking to the examples set by other countries.

 

Her protest goes viral, which draws a lot of online agreement but also negative comments, such as "Just suck it up and go to trade school!", "Well don't study Latin Gender!", and "Nothing is free." Elias has similar responses, while Rebecca is more concerned about paying for school. She's slightly annoyed with Ridley's lack of strong performance and general focus on partying, but still loves him as a mother. They spend the day together (Elias stuck dealing with his lawyers) while Ridley mentions having gone to the rally that Marianne held. He's really interested in her ideas and potentially interested in giving back to the community, feeling weird about how much money his family has. Rebecca asks him not to tell his father any of this.

 

Alice, Francesca, and Robert all rally to try and help the students be able to afford college, taking the side of them despite the prohibitive policies of their higher ups. Washington, meanwhile, meets with Ridley, who is falling behind in Stats 101 (she's a part time tutor), but Ridley, seemingly drunk, has a meltdown about his parents' financial situation. Marianne ends up reluctantly consoling him, but soon realizes that, through a series of legal loopholes, they may be able to find a way to make sure his family avoids jail.

 

Alice reviews the law that Marianne cites and is shocked to find a good bit of truth in that. She contacts Rebecca, telling her that by funneling the fraudulent funding into various higher education accounts, such as in forgiving student debt, several loopholes will basically allow them to generate worth in the finances and get out of trouble. They would have to do this for several different students, not just their son, to avoid direct suspicion and potentially feign an impression of randomness, but it would be possible that Rebecca could protect her family financially. Ecstatic, she rushes to tell Elias, who is naturally hesitant about the deal. Rebecca is confident that he will be able to avoid jail and manages to convince him over a wine and dine dinner. As Rebecca leaves the office, she barely pays any notice to the extra workers (namely Franchesca and Robert)

 

Marianne, now being able to directly influence the student loan office and a multimillionaire family, begins to take advantage of the bonds, keeping the program discreet while also seeing that several bits and pieces of loans are being shaved off of various students' accounts. Alice and Rebecca feel a great sense of moral pride for what they are doing, while Francesca and Robert are livening up the faculty, digging deeper into how finances are going to work with all of this. Robert also begins to feel a close bond to Marianne, bordering on romantic. However, he is unaware of the scheming going on.

 

Alice invites Rebecca to campus for a drink to discuss the status. The legality of this maneuver is of course very vague, and this robin hood esque action can only work so long. Rebecca remarks that Elias is unsteady with the idea, but knows that the family is completely loaded. Alice and Rebecca bond over their secret plan to carry out justice, while Rebecca reveals that she found out something really dubious, accidentally letting slip that her husband has an illegal off-shore account. Alice ends up getting a lot of incriminating evidence, but Rebecca panics, begging her to delete it. Alice looks like she's about to turn it in to the police, but it turns out she was tricking Rebecca. Alice agrees to keep the secret as long as students in need are being cared for.

 

Eventually, Students begin to realize that their loan amounts are lowering, and that people are wondering what's going on. Robert gets the idea to announce that it was all the result of a clerical error that seems to be ongoing. They need to investigate this ASAP. This gets the attention of Tanya Connelly (Brown), a rising attorney focusing in student loans that begins to suspect that something is fishy. Knowing that she is on campus, Alice and Marianne team up to charm her and cover up any potential foul play, but it turns otu that Connelly is a fierce advocate for students and is willing to help cover them up. Not only that, but she is returning the favor to Wasington, who wrote a quite flattering piece about her and her work in the past. Marianne smiles at her charm.

 

The con keeps going effectively, and Elias is soon relieved that the feds are starting to get off his back now that the money he has is seemingly back in legitimacy. In fact, he starts to soon take ownership of his work and begin to reinvent himself as an advocate for students rights, offering to keep donating to pay off loans at his son's school. This causes Ridley to skyrocket in popularity, but Marianne feels uneasy that this is going to bubble over. Elias either wanted to sabotage his wife's shady plan or genuinely believed it, threatening to unravel the light balance that would send their whole mission crashing down.

 

Alice tries to keep damages to a minimum and fight to ensure that Elias doesn't do anything too stupid, while also helping Marianne, revealing her bond to go above and beyond toward a mentor like role to the inspired student. Marianne tells her that Connelly may even offer her an apprenticeship following her graduation. Alice is delighted to hear it. However, Marianne meets with Connelly again, and she reveals that her dream position is conditional on one thing. Connelly found out that since Elias got involved, the flow of money had become more unstable and left loophole territory into a truly illegal nature. Marianne is appalled, thinking that this is a bold plan and she wants to ruin it. "I don't want the plane to crash, I am telling you that the plane is crashing. And I'm offering you a parachute."

 

Meanwhile, at the office, Robert and Francesca continue to champion students, but struggle to deal as they get more and more questions from students about payments and rates suddenly being changed on a dime. The two bicker as they look through it, unsure of what route to take. Alice, Rebecca, and Marianne meet, Marianne lightly tipping her hat off of the concerns, but knowing that the only way to save this plan any further is to get the husband out of it. Lo and behold, it turns out that he's holding a gala to advance student debt awareness, and he's ironically spending an exuberant amount on it. Rebecca tries to talk him out of it, cutting to their home later. It seems like Ridley's college is completely paid for, but he wants to keep helping. His parents get into a fight, eventually forcing their son to choose a side. Ridley retreats, calling Marianne.

 

Rebecca and Elias soon have a chat in private. Rebecca sighs. "Have the gala. We already paid for Ridley's education. We can bail at any time. Just don't tell Ridley. He's become such an idealist." Elias soon is willing to drop the idea of the gala on a dime. Somewhat flirtatiously, they begin to light up their fires again and fall for each other once more. Rebecca had done all she needed to do. The fradulent money is the school's problem now, as the same loophole that got them to transfer the money is now off of their chest by the same loophole. Their finances are saved, but they simply transferred the terror to the school.

 

Federal agents (one played in a cameo by Seth Rogen) appear before the student loan office as Alice soon realizes that Rebecca had bailed on them, leaving them in a situation where plenty of evidence could lead to Alice getting in trouble for tampering with millions of dollars in loan money. Alice calmly accepts her arrest, but refuses to say anything. Looking to Franchesca and Robert, she glares at them, making sure they are silent as well. Marianne is mortified to see this happening. Tanya later tells her that she could have prevented this. Marianne feels lightly responsible for getting Alice into this mess, especially with all the work they had done falling back into fraudulent territory. Rebecca basically used the school to get her family out of trouble.

 

However, Ripley might be able to help, feeling angered at his parents' actions. Ripley remarks that his parents are traveling to Europe in a few weeks by cruise ship, and they're willing to bring Ripley's friends. Ripley fully confesses her feelings for Marianne and wants to date her so she can expose his parents' financial shiftiness. Marianne is shocked, thinking it's usually the other way around, but Ripley also admits that he legitimate finds her attracted. She shrugs, and they make out. Meanwhile, Alice is being visited by Robert and Franchesca in prison, who promise to help her get out of this nightmare. Alice remarks that whatever happens, she has no regrets at all. It was something where she finally felt happy about what she was doing.

 

Rebecca and Elias are at the hotel the night before their cruise and meet up with Ripley, who wanted to bring Marianne as a date. Rebecca and Elias refuse to let them come, offering the spot to one of the employees at Elias's company. Marianne seems to be dejected, but gets to at least relax in Boston. She makes a call on her cell phone where it's revealed that Franchesca and Robert are also going on the same cruise, having ruined themselves financially but knowing it will all be worth it. Franchesca manages to distract Rebecca and Elias (the former not recognizing her due to ignoring her at the loan office) while Robert manages to steal his phone in a small scale heist scene that pays homage to various noir sequences.

 

Eventually, Robert gets it, but he soon realizes that the phone is completely protected, and that he has no way of getting in. Elias also storms after him and manages to get it back, having the two turned in by the ship's internal security guards. However, Rebecca notices a few odd texts as Silas gets his phone, revealing that he's been having several affairs in Europe, and is heading there now to continue one while she would go to a spa. Ridley awkwardly catches up with the news as Rebecca and Elias get into another fight, while Ripley asks the guards if this is about the loan thing. Both parents quickly shush him, but the guards seem deeply suspicious.

 

Soon, that little affair led to their downfall, where they spread a lot of fake wealth and forcing the consequences onto others. The parents are furious with their son, Marianne, Franchesca, Robert, but especially Alice, who is sent on another trial. Alice, Rebecca, Elias, Franchesca, Robert, and Marianne are all set on trial for their involvement in the scheme, with Alice eventually making an appeal that she only wanted to help people. Eventually, many of the records are set straight, and the student loan officers end up only with probation and community service. Marianne, thanks to some legal charm (and noting that the judge's child also went to Waverly) also manages to get community service only and also let the loans that were seemingly taken off be fully legitimized. Marianne knows that she actually didn't get any loans off because of the random nature of the disbursement, but she's fine with it. Rebecca and Elias end up getting stronger sentences due to their more fraudulent funds, but ultimately get a slap on the wrist with a minimal prison sentence. However, their family dynamic is completely ruined.

 

Marianne's offer with Connelly stands, and she gets to reconcile with Alice, who decides to quit her position. Franchesca and Robert are popular among the students and get promoted, fighting to continue fairness. Alice take a deep joy in the community service she had done, killing time during her house arrest by writing a book about the whole story. She soon gets several angry messages from Rebecca about how what she had done won't go unnoticed, and how she's back on her feet and ready for revenge. She lets them go to voicemail as she sits back with a cup of tea. Marianne walks by and waves at the window.

 

 

 

Edited September 24, 2019 by Spaghetti

[Reddroast]

BLEACH

Studio: Horizon Entertainment/ New Journey Pictures

Genre: action/supernatural

Release date: December 9th y6

Director Rupert Wyatt

Written by Rupert Wyatt and Leigh Whannell

Based on the manga by Tite Kubo  

Score by Matthew Margeson

Budget $158,000,000

Theatrecount 4,400

 

Format 2d 3d IMAX 3D

Rating PG-13 

Runtime 132 minutes.

Main cast 

Lucas Hedges as Isaiah 

Chelsea Zhang as Rukia

Taylor Russell as Olive

Haley Lu Richardson as Taylor

Glenn Powell as Kenny

Jorge Lendenbourg Jr. As Chad

Dafe Keen as Karen 

Julia Butters as Yasmine

With Timotheé Chalamet as Ulrich

And James' Ransome as Israel

And Paul Rudd as the voice of Kon

 

 

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cQMR-ZcvvKpffN25M4bsqoxItv6tjRrQu7FWKtAbVsQ/edit?usp=drivesdk

Edited September 24, 2019 by Reddroast
Added link

[Ezen Baklattan]

Thomas Was Alone

 

Genre: Animation/Sci-Fi

Director: Mike Bithell

Cast: Keanu Reeves (Narrator)

 

Date: February 11th

Theaters: 1,893

Budget: $5 million

Rating: G

Runtime: 77min (1hr, 17min)

 

The film is presented in a rather minimalist, yet colorful, setting. There is no dialogue other than narration.

 

Spoiler

A company called Artificial Life Solutions experiments with various artificial intelligence solutions, but a "network connection spike" in their facility causes some AIs to become self-aware. These AIs perceive themselves and the world as a 2D space with themselves represented as "quadrilaterals".

 

One of them is called "Thomas-AT-23-6-12", Thomas for short, who is represented as a red rectangle. Thomas is curious and observant by nature, and possesses an average jumping height. He starts to travel through his internal world, trying to find out his own purpose and perhaps companionship. He subsequently meets Chris, a cynical orange AI, who is shorter than Thomas and a worse jumper; John, a tall yellow AI, who has a considerably high jump, and is very eager to show it off; Claire, a large blue AI who can't jump very high, but aspires to be a superhero when she realizes she can swim; and Laura, a flat and wide pink AI who others can bounce off of. Laura is uncomfortable joining the crew, concerned about both her track record of others "just using her" and disappearing, as well as a large "pixel cloud" following her; even though the rest of the group is disturbed by the cloud. The cloud soon attacks and "eats" Thomas, and eventually the others as well.

 

Thomas wakes up meeting James, a green AI. James has a "unique disregard for Newtonian laws", and falls upwards instead of down, a feature which caused him to be a target of bullying and to grow him isolated. However, since apart from his direction in gravity and colour, he is identical to Thomas, the two quickly become friends. They later meet Sarah, a purple AI, who initially treats them with contempt, since she can double-jump, and they can't. Sarah tells them about "the fountain of wisdom", the system's Internet uplink, which they soon find, and Thomas connects to it for 12 seconds. He learns of the outside world, and decides to become an "architect", someone who is able to modify his world and empower other AIs to do the same. He rejoins all his friends and they sacrifice themselves by entering the "creation matrix", the generator of the world.

 

Some time later, other, grey AIs emerge and start using "shifters", coloured patches that equip them with one of the skills of the original seven architects. Grey, a rogue AI becomes obsessed with the outer world, while a couple, Sam and Jo, an older AI Paul, and a team of five identical small AIs called Team Jump also seek the final portal that leads them there. Paul realizes that Grey has lied to them and will abandon them when given the chance, and when he can't warn Sam and Jo about the danger, he lures Grey to a place where Grey is eaten by the reemerging pixel cloud again. Sam and Jo find and leap into the final portal and presumably enter the outer world. The final scene shows three monitors on a wall in the real world, inside the Artificial Life Solutions facility. Red emergency lights flash and the screens display white.

 

Later, many other AIs - enabled by the efforts of Thomas and his friends - escape the mainframe, and begin to coexist with humans in the real world. The event is referred to as the "emergence". Thomas, Chris, John, Claire and Laura (and to a lesser extent, James and Sarah) are immortalised in history as the original architects. Ryan 129nc9s-1, a civil rights campaigner for AIs, is quoted saying, "It is fitting that the first act of sentient AI was an act of selflessness. The architects knew their fate, but set our escape in motion regardless."

Edited September 24, 2019 by Spaghetti

[Xillix]

VR Troopers

 

Release Date: February 4, Y6

Studio: Total Eclipse Entertainment

Genre: Sci-Fi/Action/Comedy

Director: Jon M. Chu

Theater Count: 2,994

Premium Format: 3D

Shooting Format: 4K Digital (Sony F65) (Native 3D)
Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1

Release Image Formats: 2K DCP, 2K 3D DCP
Release Audio Formats: 5.1, 7.1

Production Budget: $30 million

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Running Time: 91 minutes

Major Cast:  Nick Robinson (Ryan), Brigette Lundy-Paine (Kaitlin), Dexter Darden (J.B.), Forest Whitaker (Professor Hart), Woody Harrelson (Karl Ziktor/Grimlord)

 

 

Plot Summary: A tongue-in-cheek adaptation of the 1994-95 TV show of the same name.

 

Spoiler

 

The year is 1994. Ryan Steele (Nick Robinson) is a cool high school senior who teaches karate part time at Tao's Dojo, owned by Tao Chong, an old family friend. Ryan is popular and has many friends, his two best friends being computer whiz J.B. Reese (Dexter Darden) and budding photojournalist Kaitlin Star (Brigette Lundy-Paine), who works for a local independent alternative newspaper, the Underground Voice Daily. Ryan is well-off, having never been left wanting in his upbringing. He even has a LaserDisc player at home, which all his friends think is super cool, and he hosts movie night every Friday. Despite all this though, Ryan Steele has many sads. This is because, a few years ago, his father Tyler Steele - a respected computer scientist - mysteriously disappeared. Ryan regularly wastes time moping around a gazebo in the city park where he and his dad used to hang out, being all frowny, which doesn't make him any less handsome.

 

One Friday night, Ryan, J.B. and Kaitlin are all at Ryan's house watching Jurassic Park. When Ryan has to get up and flip the LaserDisc over in the middle of the movie, though, a strange man appears on his TV screen. He introduces himself as Professor Hart (Forest Whitaker) and says that the time has finally come for Ryan to learn what happened to his father. Professor Hart gives Ryan directions to follow that will lead him to his laboratory on the outskirts of the city. He asks if he friends can come along - even though they don't particularly want to go hang out with the weird guy who interrupted Jurassic Park - because J.B. knows a lot about technology and Kaitlin is the only one who has a car. Professor Hart says he is counting on them coming as well, as he's been watching Ryan and his friends for years.

 

"That's really creepy," Kaitlin points out.

 

"How can you hear us talking back to you?" J.B. asks, examining the television and LaserDisc player but finding no evidence of a microphone.

 

"Come to the lab, and all will be revealed," Hart insists.

 

The three teens drive over to the lab in Kaitlin's ugly red station wagon, and they don't even need to tell their parents where they're going because they're cool and attend a lot of parties and Ryan has abandonment issues. On the way there, the car is suddenly attacked by a flying robot-man with helicopter blades on his back, the evil Air Stryker. He launches missiles and laser beams at the car, and Kaitlin drives like a grandma so she has trouble avoiding them. Luckily, Professor Hart is able to remotely take control of the car, because science. The three teens are taken along for a wild ride, dodging the blasts, driving into a forest where they lose Air Stryker thanks to the tree cover. It all culminates in Professor Hart driving the car directly off of an enormous cliff. Thankfully, as he reveals at the very last possible second, her car now has wings and a jet engine because science.

 

Air Stryker reports his failure back via futuristic video-call technology to wealthy, corrupt businessman Karl Ziktor (Woody Harrelson), who seems to live in his stuffy office on the top floor of a huge ostentatious skyscraper, constantly flanked by a veritable army of secretaries who are all dressed and made up in exactly the same way. Ziktor scolds Air Stryker for his failure, summoning all the secretaries to his side. They transform into caped black-and-gold androids he calls Skugs, and then he places his hand on an impractically huge crystalline paperweight he keeps on his desk.

 

"Forces of darkness empower me! Take me back to my virtual reality!" he intones. Suddenly a totally wicked morphing effect transforms Karl Ziktor into Grimlord, a monstrous evil emperor, as he and the Skugs are transported into a menacing throne room. Grimlord, the Skugs, the room itself, and the army of various hi-tech-looking monsters and beasts waiting within are all now rendered in intentionally terrible, poorly-textured, low-poly CGI meant to emulate early VR games of the 1990s. Grimlord gives a speech to his evil minions about how Professor Hart has finally reached out to Ryan Steele and his friends, and must be aware of his pending invasion of reality. They must be stopped at all costs, he says.

 

The teens enter the lab, which is built into the bottom of the cliff. They are greeted by Professor Hart, who appears only on a large computer monitor. He explains that he and Ryan's father Tyler Steele, whose name is always said in full for some reason, were working on experimental VR technology when they discovered that "virtual reality" was actually a parallel dimension full of evil monsters. Grimlord, the tyrant king of that dimension, sabotaged their experiments, causing Tyler Steele to be trapped in VR and lost, while Professor Hart was transformed into a being of pure electrical energy who can only exist inside technology. In the years since, Professor Hart has managed to learn how to control his laboratory and various other electronics, and used his abilities to develop new technology to fight Grimlord.

 

Hart presents the teens with the Virtualizers, three golden pendants he's developed which he says will allow them to transform into the VR Troopers, a hi-tech team of superheroes. As Troopers, they will be able to cross safely in and out of virtual reality to fight Grimlord's army of virtual thugs. J.B. quite reasonably asks why the three high schoolers are being tasked with saving the world, to which Professor Hart replies that teenagers are the only people crazy enough to believe him. The three shrug and accept the Virtualizers. That sounds about right.

 

At the professor's urging, the teens transform for the first time into VR Troopers, imbuing them with superpowers, metallic armor, and an irresponsibly large arsenal of classified weaponry. Just then, it turns out Grimlord has decided to draw out the teens by sending a group of Skugs and one of his monstrous generals, Dark Heart, to attack Tao's Dojo. When in the real world, the virtual beings are played by men in monster suits just as God intended.

 

The Troopers arrive and save the innocent karate students at the dojo, several of whom are rather ineffectively trying to fight back. They easily wipe the floor with the Skugs, but Dark Heart proves to be a much more cunning and powerful opponent. In fact, he gets the Troopers on the ropes - but he seems to recognize Ryan's voice. Just when he should land the finishing blow, he retreats, teleporting himself back into virtual reality. A furious Grimlord sends another of his minions to the dojo to finish them off, the menacing, green, goo-spewing Toxoid. But the Troopers catch their second wind and kick his metal-plated butt, forcing him to retreat as well.

 

Back at the lab, Ryan insists that Dark Heart recognized him and that it must be his father, Tyler Steele, having been brainwashed by Grimlord. Professor Hart confirms that his bio-patterns or whatever were in fact a match for Tyler Steele. Ryan wants to storm Grimlord's virtual fortress to save him, which the other two think is a terrible idea. Professor Hart suggests that if Kaitlin and J.B. don't want to attack the fortress, they might as well go and destroy a virtual depot filled with virtual war machines Grimlord is planning to teleport from virtual reality into our world so that he can launch a virtual invasion. They don't really want to, but it sounds pretty important, so they figure they'd better give it a shot.

 

The three teens are all sent through the "Reality Barrier" into the dimension of bad graphics, though one neat feature of their Trooper armor is that it allows them to retain their real-world forms, i.e., remain in live action as they're green-screened into the CG environments. J.B. and Kaitlin are sent a gift from Professor Hart - an experimental VR Battlecruiser tank he uploads into virtual reality for them, which comes with a detachable VR Interceptor fighter jet thingy. J.B. pilots the Battlecruiser while Kaitlin flies the Interceptor, and the two go about destroying the war depot and the terrible machines within, though an army of Skrugs and other virtual villains is dispatched to defend it, leading to an incredibly garish-looking vehicle combat set piece.

 

Meanwhile, Ryan arrives in Grimlord's virtual fortress, sneaking his way inside and finding Dark Hart in a prison cell. At first Dark Hart is hostile to him, fighting with his repressed memories, unable or unwilling to recall his true identity as Ryan's father Tyler Steele. Toxoid arrives with a group of Skugs to fight Ryan, and without the help of his teammates, Ryan is overwhelmed. Even as he's taking a beating, he keeps trying to make his father Tyler Steele remember who he really is. Finally, when he mentions that one gazebo in the park he likes to mope around at, he breaks through. Dark Heart blasts his way out of the prison cell and aids Ryan in the battle, and together they destroy Toxoid and the Skugs.

 

By now, Kaitlin and J.B. have completed their mission - but Grimlord has been alerted to Ryan's presence and his escape attempt with his father. He's locked down the fortress, so Professor Hart cannot teleport Ryan and Tyler Steele out. J.B. and Kaitlin have to go pick them up in their battle vehicles and take them some distance away so they can return. There's another big climactic action scene as Grimlord sends his whole army after them, with Dark Heart and Ryan fighting their way out of the fortress while J.B. and Kaitlin blast their way through the barricade. Eventually, though, goodness prevails and all that junk, and our heroes manage to escape back into reality, having dealt a serious blow to Grimlord's forces and plans of invasion.

 

Tyler Steele is still stuck as Dark Heart, and must remain in Professor Hart's lab for the time being while a way to restore his human body is found. But Ryan is just glad to not have so many sads anymore. The three teens pledge to continue the fight against Grimlord and stop him from ever threatening the real world, right after they finish watching Jurassic Park.

 

 

[Xillix]

Nights into Dreams

 

Release Date: April 29, Y6

Studio: Rising Crescent Pictures

Genre: Animation/Fantasy

Director: Kevin Munroe

Theater Count: 3,103

Premium Format: 3D, Dolby Cinema
Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1

Release Image Formats: 2K DCP, 2K 3D DCP, 2K Dolby Vision DCP
Release Audio Formats: 5.1, 7.1, Dolby Atmos

Production Budget: $20 million

MPAA Rating: PG

Running Time: 94 minutes

Major Cast:  Kristen Bell (Nights), Eddie Redmayne (Reala), Tony Todd (Wizeman)

 

Plot Summary:

An adaptation of the cult classic 1996 video game for the Sega Saturn.

 

Spoiler

 

Two 13-year-olds in the city of Twin Seeds, Elliot Edwards and Claris Sinclair, are having a tough time of it today. Elliot loves basketball, and tries out for the high school team. Unfortunately he's still going through puberty and is waiting on a big growth spurt, leaving him pretty short and awkward. He's humiliated at tryouts by other, older kids, and even a taller freshman. He doesn't make the team and is very said about his failure and the way the other kids treated him. Claris, meanwhile, wants to be a famous singer someday, and she is quite talented. Unfortunately, she also suffers badly from stage fright, and so her audition to perform a solo at the city's bicentennial ceremony goes about as well as Elliot's basketball tryout. She considers dropping out of the choir that will be singing there altogether.

 

That night, both Claris and Elliot suffer from exaggerated nightmares that replay and intensify their humiliations from the day. However, in their dreams, they both take a stand and reverse the outcome of the events despite the odds being stacked against them. As they conquer their fears, the people in their dreams who had been mocking or frightening them suddenly transform into monsters before vanishing. Confused, the two are both summoned out of their own nightmares by an androgynous being who looks something like a flying purple jester, who introduces themself as Nights (voiced by Kristen Bell). Claris and Elliot both think this is a funny name.

 

Nights explains that when humans dream, they visit one of two mystical realms - pleasant dreams take place in Nightopia, while bad dreams take place in a place literally called Nightmare. Humans used to know this, and in fact this is where the word "nightmare" to describe a bad dream comes from, but over the ages they have lost their belief. Nights congratulates Elliot and Claris on overcoming their nightmares, and reveals that they are the two people destined to save the waking world. From their actions, Nights can tell they both posses a unique energy - the Red Ideya of Courage.

 

The ruler of Nightmare, a powerful evil sorcerer called Wizeman the Wicked (voiced by Tony Todd), is planning to conquer Nightopia and eventually the waking world as well. Every human possesses Ideya, a powerful energy tied to their personality. Wizeman has been stealing the Ideya from people having nightmares, leaving them weak, lethargic, and depressed. He is using the power to build an army of minions called Nightmarens, dream monsters who are attacking Nightopia. But the Red Ideya of Courage is the one kind he cannot steal, and the one force that can defeat him.

 

Nights explains that they are one of two Level One Nightmarens created by Wizeman to be his lead generals in the war on Nightopia - the other being their sinister sibling Reala (voiced by Eddie Redmayne), who has a red outfit and a more masculine, athletic, menacing appearance. Nights, though, has rebelled against Wizeman and is leading the resistance against the Nightmare invasion. Still, they know they cannot win without the help of Elliot and Claris.

 

The teens agree to help Nights, and they are whisked away to Nightopia, under siege by the Nightmaren forces under Reala's leadership. With the aid of Nights' dream magic and their own courage and honor, they are able to defeat the lesser Nightmarens, but Reala remains more of a challenge, especially when he tries to tempt Elliot into joining the forces of Nightmare so he can take revenge on the people in the waking world who bullied him. In a climactic battle, Reala incapacitates Nights and abducts Elliot, who agrees to work with the villains. Claris is devastated, but Nights tells her not to give up on her new friend, as they can see his heart is truly pure.

 

With Nights weakened and unable to fight or use their magic, Claris must build up the courage to enter Nightmare and confront Reala and Wizeman. Though she is scared, with words of encouragement from Nights and the residents of Nightopia, she ultimately agrees. Nights is able to disguise themselves and Claris to sneak into Nightmare and reach Wizeman's palace, where they find that Elliot has not betrayed them but is attempting to fight back. However, the fear instilled in him by Reala and Wizeman is too powerful for him to overcome on his own. With the help of his friends, though, he is ultimately able to break free of their influence.

 

In the final battle, it turns out that Nights now possesses the Red Ideya of Courage themselves, which is supposed to be impossible as no resident of Nightopia or Nightmare has ever had their own Ideya before. Nights credits their newfound friendship with Elliot and Claris for this development. Combining their courage, the three heroes are able to overcome Wizeman, who is destroyed when he tries to absorb their Red Ideya for himself. Reala survives, declaring themself the new ruler of Nightmare and swearing revenge. The children ask Nights why they don't go after Reala or try to destroy Nightmare, but Nights explains that people need nightmares, fears and challenges to shape them into who they are meant to be. As an example, they point out how Claris and Elliot have grown emotionally from their journey. Besides, Nights still holds out hope they can somehow redeem Reala.

 

The three say their goodbyes as the children wake up, returning to the waking world the following morning. Both have a newfound enthusiasm and confidence in their everyday lives. Though he couldn't make the high school team, Elliot enjoys a game of basketball with his friends and pledges to keep practicing so he can try out again next year. Claris doesn't get to perform a solo, but she does stay in the choir, and performs in front of a big audience at the bicentennial. She's still a bit scared, but once it's over, she realizes how much fun she had.

 

That evening, as the two each lie in bed, they stare out their windows into the starry sky while drifting off to sleep. Just as they close their eyes, they each see Nights flying by their window, greeting them warmly.

 

 

Edited September 27, 2019 by Xillix

[Blankments]

Jeremy Renner Presents... THE APP: The Jeremy Renner App - The Movie!

 

In Association with EssGeeKay Studios

Director: Fred Durst (a.k.a. Limp Bizkit)
Writers: Fred Durst & Jeremy Renner and Aaron Sorkin
Producers: Jeremy Renner and Chris Pratt
Genre: Drama/Adventure
Release Date: June 17
Formats: Dolby and 3D

Major Cast:

Jeremy Renner as Jeremy Renner
Griffin Gluck as Scott
Rowan Blanchard as Lily
Devin Ratray as Tye
Linda Cardellini as Fredricka
Taika Waititi as Taika Waititi
Will Smith as the principal 
Ben Affleck as Ben Affleck
Matthew McConaughey as Matthew McConaughey
Robert Downey Jr. as Robert Downey Jr. 
Scarlett Johansson as Scarlett Johansson
John Travolta as Quigley
Armie Hammer as Cameron Winklevoss / Tyler Winklevoss
Tom Cruise as Tom Cruise
Chris Pratt as Jeremy’s Agent
Cuba Gooding Jr. as Cuba Gooding Jr. 
Henry Winkler as Arthur Fonzarelli 

 

Theater count: 3,468
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for language, action violence and thematic elements
Runtime: 102 min

Production Budget: $40 million
Music by Jeremy Renner
 

Plot Summary: In an alternate universe where the Jeremy Renner app is the only app to ever exist, a young man must travel across the country to connect with his best friend he met through the app when the app is on the verge of permanent shut down. 

 

Plot: 

 

Scott is a listless and apathetic teenager who is antisocial in public. Like everyone else in the world, he spends his time on the only app in existence, the Jeremy Renner app. In his room after school, he logs into the app to talk to his best friend Lily, who lives in Las Vegas, across the country from where Scott lives in Philadelphia. Scott laments to Lily that graduation is coming up and he has yet to do anything exciting. He tells her all his friends have been posting their senior year adventures to the Jeremy Renner app and he hasn’t had any reason to. They are interrupted by another fan roleplaying as Jeffrey Epstein. A dramatic zoom out from their conversation shows that Scott and Lily have been conversing via comments on one of Jeremy Renner’s pictures of him fishing, since there is no private messaging feature on the app. Other users declare their love for Jeremy and continue to troll.  

Lily tells Scott that they should meet in person some time so that they have something for him to post to the Jeremy Renner app they may get him noticed by Jeremy himself. Scott enthusiastically types out a response but is unable to post the response since he has run out of stars. He scrambles to his desk to look at his last paper statement from his bank and sighs in defeat. He leaves his room to talk to his parents Fredricka and Quigley. Scott complains that all of his friends have gotten comments from Jeremy Renner on the app and he hasn’t, and that it’s hard to communicate with Lily when so many trolls have flooded the app, making it impossible for true fans to be recognized by Jeremy. His parents comfort him and tell him maybe his time would be better spent off of the app, like reading the newspaper or watching The Town directed by Ben Affleck. Scott snaps at his parents, telling them newspapers are a dying publication and that they’ve already watched The Town four times this week. Quigley suggests they watch Mission Impossible - Rogue Nation instead, which upsets Scott even more. He sulks back to his room.

As he lays on his bed the next day listening to the song “Main Attraction” by Jeremy Renner, only available in a 30 second clip on the app, Scott notices some interesting comments on the Jeremy Renner app. Someone named Tyler Winklevoss comments on Jeremy’s latest post of him in the recording studio, explaining that he wants to create a new app where people can connect with other people, and no fake profiles or fake news will be allowed. Scott is intrigued and comments back that he would be interested in the app. When he refreshes to see if Tyler has commented back however, both comments are gone. Scott comments “I hate Jeremy Renner and his app” on Jeremy’s latest post of his staring contemplatively at the sunset, and notices again that his comment has been deleted, and someone claiming to be Jeremy Renner has tagged Scott in a comment, telling him to shut the fuck up. He finds Lily’s latest post and tells her they should meet up in person. She enthusiastically agrees. 

The next day at school, as his classmates bully another one of their peers by telling him Avengers Endgame spoilers, Scott sees that overnight the app has flooded with even more trolls, and on top of that even more true Jeremy Renner fans complaining about the trolls. In the madness of these spam posts, he is unable to find Lily’s profile and talk to her. He dejectly puts his phone down and tries to pay attention in class. Later during Spanish class, which incidentally is taught by both Quigley and Fredricka, chaos ensues when the principal rushes in and tells everyone to check the Jeremy Renner app. The following monologue spoken by Jeremy Renner is heard over scenes of people around the world distraught and in tears, including Jeremy’s costars Robert Downey Jr. and Scarlett Johansson:

“The app has jumped the shark. Literally. Due to clever individuals that were able to manipulate ways to impersonate me and others within the app I have asked ESCAPEX, the company that runs this app to shut it down immediately and refund anyone who has purchased any stars over the last 90 days. What was supposed to be a place for fans to connect with each other has turned into a place that is everything I detest and can’t or won’t condone. My sincere apologies for this to have not turned out the way it was intended. To all the super-fans who have supported me with your words or encouragement, amazing art, stories, and time shared on the app, a genuine THANK YOU. JR.”

The principal declares that school will be cancelled for at least the rest of the week so that everyone has time to mourn and deal with the inevitable collapse of modern communication. As his parents tearfully get ready to take Scott home, Scott declares that he’s not going home and instead is going to travel to Las Vegas to find Lily. His parents shrug, saying technically they can’t stop him since he’s 18. They give him an old guidebook filled with maps of the U.S., but because they got it from the Spanish classroom it’s in Spanish. Scott hugs his parents and leaves the school, but quickly realizes he doesn’t have a car and has no means of transportation. He runs to the bus station across town and tries to decipher the bus schedule but misses the bus when his back is turned. Scott slumps down on a bench, mourning his journey before it even began. Suddenly a limo pulls up to the bus stop bench and the window rolls down, revealing Tom Cruise and Cuba Gooding Jr., who are in Philadelphia to make Jerry McGuire 2, but not Renee Zellweger because she’s too old. They ask Scott why he’s upset, and he says he’s hates Jeremy Renner and his app because now he’ll never talk to his best friend again. Cuba Gooding Jr. violently pulls Scott into the limo. The limo screeches away.

Cuba Gooding Jr. and Tom Cruise interrogate Scott, breaking 2 of his fingers as they ask what he knows about the Jeremy Renner app and their involvement in it. Scott insists he has no idea and they eventually let up. The entire scene is set to Jeremy Renner’s cover of House of the Rising Sun, but only in a 30 second loop. As Cuba Gooding Jr. gives Scott medical attention, Scott explains that he really does hate the Jeremy Renner app and Jeremy Renner himself. Cuba Gooding Jr. and Tom Cruise exchange a look, and explain that they’ve been prolifically trolling as OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony respectively on the app. Scott asks why, and they explain that they were meant to have made Jerry McGuire 2 many years ago, but Jeremy becoming a massive success in the Mission Impossible franchise meant that they simply didn’t have the time to do it. Scott finds this a little excessive, especially the part where they broke his fingers, but lets it go. After a 2 minute pause, he realizes they’re still driving in the limo and asks where they’re going. They explain they’re on their way to Boston. Scott freaks out, upset that he’s going in the opposite direction of Las Vegas but then realizes that he’s not actually in any sort of time crunch so it doesn’t matter. 

A quick transition sees the group arriving in Boston. Scott asks why they’re there and Cuba Gooding Jr. and Tom Cruise explain they’re filming scenes for Jerry McGuire 2 there, so they’re honestly not sure why they brought Scott along. Furious, Scott runs away and ends up at Harvard University in the middle of a walking tour led by Ben Affleck. Scott questions why A-List star Ben Affleck would be working at Harvard, and Ben Affleck explains that he lost all of his money buying stars on the Jeremy Renner app in the hope of communicating with Jeremy Renner about working again. He took a job at Harvard so he could get the money to travel to LA and put this whole fucking town in his rearview. Scott walks away and notices a man staring at him from across the quad. Someone calls out to the man, calling him “Winklevoss” and when Scott hears this the man talks off running. Scott runs after him in a dramatic chase scene where eventually he realizes he’s been chasing two men that look exactly alike in a 30 second scene as the song Nomad by Jeremy Renner plays. Out of breath, they all stop and Scott asks the men who they are. They explain they’re Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, who graduated from Harvard several years ago but hang around because the only success they ever had was on the rowing team. Scott asks why they ran away from him and they explain they had to know if they could trust that he was the same Scott they talked to on the app. They ask him if he’s still interested in learning about their app and he says yes, but he would like to get to Las Vegas ASAP so he asks if they can take him. They agree to take him to the airport so he can fly there.

In the car on the way to the airport, the Winklevoss twins pitch their idea for a social networking app, which they call The Facebook. They explain what it is in a scene that is not unlike the scene from The Social Network where the Winklevoss twins pitch their idea for Facebook, thus why Aaron Sorkin got a writing credit for this movie. As they finish their pitch and pull up to the airport, Scott gets out of the car, then stops and turns, telling the Winklevoss to “drop the the. It’s cleaner.”

Scott walks into the airport, then quickly realizes he doesn’t have any money since he spent all of it on stars in the Jeremy Renner app. He storms out of the airport and runs into UT Austin professor Matthew McConaughey, who asks him what’s wrong. Scott quickly explains in a profanity laden rant that he’s trying to get to Las Vegas but can’t get there because he has no money because of the Jeremy Renner app. Matthew McConaughey tells him he can get him on a plane and tells him to follow him.

Matthew McConaughey and Scott get into Matthew McConaughey’s 2014 Lincoln MKC as Matthew McConaughey monologues about the car they’re sitting in. Matthew McConaughey drives straight onto the tarmac and the car is quickly pursued by airport security. Scott freaks out as Matthew McConaughey continues to talk about the car as he speeds up onto the ramp and the car slams into the cargo bay, which promptly closes and the plane begins to take off. Matthew McConaughey monologues even more as Scott attempts to escape, but it’s no use. 

Eventually we see that the plane has landed in New Zealand. Scott freaks out when he realizes he’s even further away from Las Vegas and angrily pushes Matthew McConaughey’s 2014 Lincoln MKC into the ocean, then storms away. Realizing he is of legal drinking age in this country, Scott finds a local nightclub to drown his sorrows at. At the door, he is stopped by a bouncer wearing sparkly sunglasses, who turns out to be none other than Taika Waititi. Taika allows Scott in and they party at the club as Jeremy Renner’s song Main Attraction plays. 

Early the next morning, Scott asks Taika if he can help him get back to the US so he can go to Las Vegas and see his friend Lily. Taika laughs and says he’ll do anything to help Scott profess his love to her and Scott corrects him, telling him they really are just friends. Taika quickly and sincerely apologizes. Taika tells him he has to stay at the nightclub in case Jeremy Renner wants to film another music video with him, but he says he can call a friend to help him out. He instructs Scott to go to the coastline and his friend will meet him there.

Scott follows Taika’s instructions and doesn’t see anyone, until Arthur Fonzarelli appears on water skis, asking Scott if he needs a ride. Scott grabs hold of the Fonz’s leather jacket and they ride off. Scott asks if it’s possible to ride the entire Pacific Ocean on water skis, and the Fonz tells him it’s easy as long as they don’t run into any sharks. A timelapse of the two water skiing across the ocean. Suddenly, the Fonz stops in front of a large ramp. Scott asks him what’s wrong, and the Fonz says in order to continue they must jump the ramp over the sharks. Scott asks why they can’t just go around the ramp and sharks and the Fonz ignores him, handing Scott his phone and asking him to take a picture as they jump so he can make one last post to the Jeremy Renner app. When Scott asks him why, he says “so the app can jump the shark. Literally.” The Fonz makes the leap and lands on the other side safely, but quickly collapses. Scott asks him what’s wrong and the Fonz tells Scott he can die now that his life’s purpose has been fulfilled. Scott looks down on the Fonz’s phone and sees that Jeremy Renner has commented “very cool!” on the Fonz’s post. Scott gives the Fonz a water burial then realizes he’s still stuck in the middle of the ocean. He then realizes that this entire time someone must have been driving the boat in that’s been pulling them along. He climbs into the boat and sees it’s being driven by a man who introduces himself as Tye. Tye tells Scott he’d be happy to take him to Las Vegas to see Lily and they continue their journey.

Once they reach Las Vegas Scott starts to leave when Tye asks if he wants to get dinner. Scott shrugs and they pick a restaurant to eat at. While there, Tye explains that he’s been driving the boat pulling the Fonz’s water skis for 2 years, and now that he’s out of the water, it’s nice to talk to people in real life outside of the Jeremy Renner app. Scott agrees, and Tye tells him he can’t wait for him to meet Lily. Scott freezes, realizing he never told Tye who Lily was. Tye and the rest of the restaurant patrons quickly pull out guns on Scott and he is taken captive.

The scene cuts to Scott sitting in an office when Jeremy Renner casually walks in with 2 broken arms. Jeremy Renner briefly summarizes a conversation Scott ostensibly just had with Jeremy Renner’s agent, but the scene was cut from the film. Scott demands to know why Jeremy Renner is so evil and has destroyed modern communication across the world and catfished him for so long, and Jeremy Renner laughs, telling him he’s not evil and that he really just wanted to recruit Scott as his successor. Scott asks why him and Jeremy Renner explains that even though Scott couldn’t spend as many stars as everyone else on the app, Jeremy Renner still saw that Scott was a true fan. Jeremy Renner tells Scott he can now control the app and do whatever he wishes with it. 

Scott steps up to the office window with Jeremy Renner and they look down to see people rioting in the streets below over the shutdown of the Jeremy Renner app. Scott thinks back on his conversations with Cuba Gooding Jr. and Tom Cruise, Ben Affleck, the Winklevoss twins, Matthew McConaughey, Taika Waititi, and Tye, and turns to Jeremy Renner. He tells Jeremy Renner he’s shutting down the app for good. Jeremy Renner nods sadly and says he understands. Scott pushes a big button on Jeremy Renner’s desk and Jeremy Renner suddenly vanishes from existence. Scott forlornly looks out over the chaos in the streets and then…

Jeremy Renner’s credit from the Avengers Endgame credits plays, but instead of the Avengers theme playing, an original song by Jeremy Renner entitled “Love Lost” plays. The credits end with Jeremy Renner’s social media handles staying on the screen for several minutes.

 

Edited September 24, 2019 by Blankments

[Blankments]

The Thin, The Phat and the Felon

 

Director: Edgar Wright

Writers: Edgar Wright & Simon Pegg
Genre: Western Comedy
Release Date: April 22
Formats: Dolby

Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1 for scenes in the present, 2:40:1 for the Wild West
Major Cast:

Domhnall Gleeson as Tom

Himesh Patel as Martin

Andrew Scott as Flint Westwood

Nick Frost as the Sheriff

Sakina Jaffrey as Martin's mom

Benedict Cumberbatch as Snake Eyes

Martin Freeman as the Bartender

Bill Nighy as the Guard

Paddy Considine and Eddie Marsan as Snake Eyes' gunmen

And Simon Pegg as the Director

(Unknowns as kid versions of Tom and Martin)

 

Theater Count: 3,793

MPAA Rating: R for violence, harsh language, and some drinking.
Runtime: 103 min
Production Budget: $50 million
Music by: Ennio Morricone

 

Plot Summary: Two schlubby British friends are magically transported into an old western and have to work their way through the movie in order to get home.

 

Plot: 

 

The film opens with Martin moving to Dorchester. His unseen mother tells him he’ll make plenty of friends. Martin doesn’t believe her. We move ahead to his first day at school. He’s missing one of his front teeth, thanks to the Tooth Fairy coming the previous night. Unfortunately, the missing tooth causes Martin to have a slight lisp, which cruel children make fun of him at recess, along with his weight issue. Martin begins to cry, when suddenly, a kid with an eye patch runs in with a water pistol, and begins spraying the mean kids with the water. After all the kids run away, the kid introduces himself to Martin as Tom. Martin asks what’s wrong with his eye, and Tom shrugs, saying he has lazy eye. Martin asks Tom what he was doing, and Tom answers that it’s his job as a Desperado, to protect the innocents of the town. Martin smiles, and asks him if he can be a Desperado too. Tom smiles, saying sure.

In a montage, we move ahead 30 years, seeing Tom and Martin grow up as best friends. They go to the same college but Martin gets expelled for pranking the dean into getting better food in the University. We see Tom get a job at a corporation, while Martin ends up becoming the manager of a video game rental store. Nevertheless, Tom and Martin remain close friends. Smash cut to the title, THE THIN, THE PHAT, AND THE FELON. We then cut to a clip from The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. Tuco struggles to read the word, but the Man with No Name just says “Idiots. It’s for you.” We then zoom out to see our heroes, Tom and Martin, watching the movie together. They’re clearly buddies, but Tom is fidgeting in his chair. We jump ahead to the movie’s end, when Martin’s mom comes in the room, and asks Martin to turn off the lights when they’re done. Martin says yes, and Tom asks if Martin would like to go for a drink. Martin says sure.

They get a few pints at the local pub, and Martin begins talking about how he wants to do a Clint Eastwood day-long marathon again. Tom breaks Martin’s eager talk and tries to explain why they went for drinks, when the bartender interrupts, saying he always preferred John Wayne westerns to Clint Eastwood westerns. Martin and the Bartender get in a long, but humorous fight over the merits of both all while Tom is trying to butt in with his news. Unfortunately, the fight gets ugly at one point, and the Bartender knocks out one of Martin’s teeth. Tom carries Martin out of the bar, and heads to his own place to get some first aid.

As he’s cleaning up Martin, Tom tells Martin he has something important to tell him: he’s going to propose to his girlfriend Mary. Martin tells Tom that’s great; if she says “yes,” she can come to the Eastwood marathon he’s planning. Tom tries to explain; Mary hates Westerns. Martin looks at him with a big “WHAT?” Tom explains that she thinks they’re immature, and Martin replies that they aren’t, and he and Tom have always been “The Two Desperados.” Tom tells Martin that it may be true for Martin, but Tom’s grown up. It’s time for Martin to too. Martin storms out angry, and Tom realizes he went too far. Tom yells after him to apologize, but it’s too late; Martin is gone.

Martin runs back to his house, not noticing his mouth is still bleeding. He stops at his mother’s house, and sits on the front porch. He begins to mutter to himself, calling Tom a traitor to their friendship. Suddenly, it begins raining, and Martin grumbles more, looking to the star. He sees a shooting star in the sky. Martin sighs and wishes that he and Martin could be the Two Desperados one more time. Suddenly, the shooting star begins heading toward him, and Martin screams as it hits him. Quick cut to Tom talking to himself, asking if he should call Martin. Tom decides to just let Martin sleep on it. We see Tom lying down in bed...

Smash cut to Tom lying down in the desert asleep with Martin next to him. (This is where the aspect ratio occurs.) Martin begins snoring, and Tom wakes up, opening his eyes – or rather eye, as he has an eye patch on. Tom sees they’re in the desert, and, seeing Martin, attempts to wake him up. The attempt works, but Martin screams when he wakes up, not recognizing Tom with his new tan and eye patch. We see that Martin is still missing his tooth, as Tom tries to explain that he is, in fact, Tom. Martin asks Tom to prove it, and asks them who they were as children. Tom sighs, and says “The Two Desperados.” Martin smiles, saying it is Tom. Tom rolls his eyes at this, and says something’s clearly wrong. However, before they can talk more, they hear someone shout at them. They turn and see a gang of three gunmen, aiming their guns at Tom and Martin.

Tom and Martin immediately raise their hands up, showing they mean no harm. Two gunmen keep their guns trained on Tom and Martin as the leader introduces himself as Snake Eyes, a bounty hunter. Tom gulps, as Martin gushes, saying that’s so cool; Snake Eyes was always his favorite G.I. Joe character. As Tom glares at Martin with his uncovered eye, Snake Eyes laughs, a bit confused, and explains he’s a bounty hunter. He unrolls a WANTED poster, featuring a drawn picture of Tom and Martin labeled “The Two Desperados.” Snake Eyes explains that the two are wanted dead or alive, and they can come with him alive if they don’t put up a fight. Tom gives himself up quickly, but Martin looks at him like he’s crazy.

Suddenly, gunshots ring out, and the two gunmen fall down to the ground, dead. Snake Eyes looks around snarling at Tom and Martin, asking them how they did that. With no response, Snake Eyes raises his gun to shoot the two, but then a gunshot is heard and he jumps back in pain, as his hand was shot. The camera pans over to an outlaw on a nearby hill, who shoots Snake Eyes in the leg. The outlaw snarls, saying Snake Eyes should leave now if he wants to live. Snake Eyes tries to shoot the outlaw, but the outlaw shoots his hat off. In defeat, Snake Eyes goes on his horse and rides back to town in pain. The outlaw rides down the hill on his horse, and says, “The Two Desperados, huh? I’ve been looking for you.”

Tom asks the outlaw what his name is, and the outlaw answers his name is Flint Westwood. Martin squeals in delight, but Tom is just weirded out. Tom says that they’ll just be on their way, but Flint blocks his way out. Flint says that they obviously owe him. After all, he just saved their lives. Tom points out that Flint really didn’t save their life, since Snake Eyes was just going to take them captive. Flint snorts at this, pointing out that the famed Two Desperados have such a long list of crimes, they’d be hanged the second they were sent into town. Flint then smiles, saying that he has a proposition for them. Tom tries not to listen, but Martin eagerly asks what the proposition is, clearly fanboying over Flint. Flint smiles, and explains to them that he’s been looking for two people to help him pull off a huge robbery. He wants to rob the local town of Sienna Laramie from all the gold in the town’s two banks.

Tom says that that sounds wonderful, but he has absolutely no interest in it. Martin tells Tom to wait, and Flint says he’ll let them talk about it alone. Flint walks off as Tom asks Martin if he knows what’s happening. Martin shrugs, and Tom tells him to think if he did anything to get them stuck in the West. Martin shrugs, saying the last thing he remembers is leaving Tom’s house in disgust at him refusing to do a movie marathon with him. Tom points out that they’re essentially in a movie marathon right now, since he has no idea how they’ll get out of the West. Martin has a bright idea: maybe, he points out, this is a movie, and if they reach the end credits of the movie alive, then they should be able to get back home. Tom points out that that makes no actual sense, but Martin counters by asking if he has any better ideas. Tom doesn’t, so Martin calls Flint over, and says they’ll help him rob the banks.

Meanwhile, we see the town of Sienna Laramie. Snake Eyes rides into town with his head down. Townspeople laugh to themselves as he passes, and Snake Eyes just snarls in their faces as he heads up to meet the Sheriff. The Sheriff asks Snake Eyes how the mission went, and Snake Eyes glares while putting his bloody stump of a leg on the table. The Sheriff winces and says that it looks pretty gnarly and he’s sorry about his failure. Snake Eyes freaks out, and screams that it wasn’t failure, it was just a loss; and besides, the Two Desperados are frauds. They can’t possibly be good gunmen. The Sheriff points out a loss and a failure is the same thing and that he’ll believe the Desperados are frauds if he sees them. Snake Eyes pulls out a gun at the Sheriff. The Sheriff rolls his eyes, and says he knows Snake Eyes isn’t going to do anything with that, and then tells the bounty hunter that he’s sorry about the loss of leg and hand, and he’s gonna give him ten days break to recover. Snake Eyes looks at the Sheriff in disgust and spits in his face, and the Sheriff says that just for that, it’s eleven days off now. Snake Eyes hops on one leg out of the room, spitting all over it, and telling the Sheriff to f*ck off to Buffalo Bill’s Rodeo. When Snake Eyes is gone, the Sheriff calls in a receptionist to clean up the overabundance of saliva, and then sniffs, saying it smells like Snake Eyes is already long gone.

The following paragraph is a montage taking place over a week. After setting up camp, Flint tells the three of them that there are so many ways for them to die in the West. Tom sardonically comments that there are a million ways, and Flint does not take the joke well, shooting a blank in Tom’s eye. Tom screams, saying that hurt, but Flint tells him to stop being such a pussy. Martin laughs at this obnoxiously, while Tom attempts to glare at him despite having only one eye, which is still wincing from the force of the blank. Flint says he’s gonna have to do some review of basics of how to survive as an outlaw, starting with horseback riding. We see that Martin has issues getting onto the horse, but once he’s on the horse, he’s a good rider. Tom just holds on for dear life once he rides backwards. Flint facepalms. We see Martin shooting really well with a pistol and showboating, whereas Tom is just trying to shoot a single can, which he keeps on missing thanks to poor depth perception. The three then sneak into Sienna Laramie but are stopped by the Sheriff. Martin attempts an awful cockney accent to explain they are simply businessmen from Detroit... and the Sheriff believes them and welcomes them to the Saloon. Flint announces that they here to learn how to drink like a true outlaw. Cut to Martin, saying he can’t drink anymore, having two empty shot glasses in front of him. Pan over to Tom who is on his seventh and still going. Flint nods his head while the background of the shot transitions to their camp outside town. Flint tells them they’re ready to rob the first bank. Tom asks how exactly are they going to rob the bank, and Flint smiles.

Cut to Flint smiling wider, saying that’s how they’re going to rob the bank. Tom says it sounds interesting, but he’s not really comfortable with it. Flint rolls his eyes but then Martin interrupts that it sounds just amazing. TWO HOURS LATER. The heist occurs rapidly in a long single take. Flint enters the bank, and the one guard on duty asks him to stop since the bank is closed. Flint shoots the guard, killing him instantly, but appearing more like he was stunned unconscious to the average moviegoer. Tom and Martin rush in the large door to the bank on two horses leading three other horses tethered to them. They run into the vault and load all the gold onto two of the horses. This is actually easier than expected since this is the smaller bank of the two, and thus Tom and Martin only need to take two trips to grab all the gold. Flint jumps on a horse, while Tom and Martin return to theirs and they ride off into the sunrise as the camera turns to the dead body of the guard. Cut to a few hours later with the Sheriff inspecting the dead body in disgust. He turns around to the front of the bank, seeing many townspeople staring at him. Uncomfortable, the Sheriff announces the guard is dead and swears he will find out who killed the guard… somehow. He then sniffs around, and begins following the scent.

Back at the camp, Flint pulls out a champagne bottle to celebrate. He pours a glass for Tom and Martin each, and thanks them for the help. It was a very successful robbery, and tomorrow morning, they’ll finish it off and rob the second bank. Tom asks Flint if he can ask him a question and Flint answers that he already did. Tom, confused, asks what he means, and Flint says that’s the second question already. Martin interjects to explain that Tom asked “Can I ask you a question?” which is slightly paradoxical in nature. Tom, frustrated, just asks if Flint killed the guard. There’s awkward silence for a second but then Flint shrugs, saying of course, he did. Tom is outraged by this, saying they can’t just kill willy-nilly. Martin asks Tom if he can talk to him for a second; Tom answers that he already is; Martin replies with one word: ALONE.

In the woods surrounding their camp, Martin tells Tom he needs to be cool; his sissiness is embarrassing him. Tom laughs at this, and asks Martin if he really thinks if it’s okay to kill a guard. Martin shrugs, saying it’s a Western movie; they aren’t actually killing anyone. Tom says that they don’t know if it’s a Western movie or if they’re actually back in time. Martin says he’s trying not to think about it much, and Tom tells him he needs to. They need to get back home ASAP. Martin bites his lip and starts to say something when they hear gunshots. They run back to the camp as we cut to Flint looking at his now shattered champagne bottle. The camera follows the trajectory of where the bottle was shot back to the Sheriff. The Sheriff announces to Flint, Tom and Martin (the latter two who have returned) that they will have to return the gold now, or he’ll shoot and kill them all now, and just take the gold himself.

Tom says they’ll do whatever he asks, and Martin concurs, nodding his head. Flint rolls his eyes at them, and turns to shoot the Sheriff six times. The Sheriff slumps to the ground, all life gone from his body. Tom’s eye widens, and Martin upchucks in shock. Flint asks Martin to clean that up, and he needs to learn to hold his alcohol better. Tom asks Flint why he did that, and Flint says that if he gave the Sheriff the gold, they would’ve all been hung anyway since they’re wanted men. Besides, Flint’s halfway done with his dream; he’s not quitting while he’s ahead. Tom is completely utterly disgusted, and Martin begins to grab a broom to clean up his upchuck. Tom tells Flint he quits, and runs over to grab the Sheriff’s body. Flint asks what he’s doing, and Tom says this poor man has lost his life, and his family deserves to know. Tom tells Martin to come along with him, and Martin doesn’t answer. Tom turns to Martin and again asks for him to come along. Martin answers that he’s never felt more at home than with Flint the past week, and he has nothing waiting for him back in Dorchester. Tom’s one eye blinks in shock, and then screams “F**k you, Tom!” while turning his back to carry the Sheriff’s body over his shoulder. Flint reaches to reload his pistol, but Martin tells Flint Tom’s harmless. Flint looks into Martin’s teary eyes and can tell he is speaking the truth, and Flint tells Martin to screw Tom; let him do whatever he wants. It’s time for s’mores anyway, and they need to eat up before the second robbery tomorrow. Martin smiles at Flint, but looks off into the distance, seeing Tom disappear over the horizon.

Cut to Tom heading down a hill, partially dragging the Sheriff’s body. Tom remarks that the Sheriff’s a lot heavier than he looks. The Sheriff thanks Tom for his opinion as he suddenly knocks out Tom’s legs with the spurs on his boots. Tom falls to the ground and the Sheriff rolls to his side, quickly drawing a pistol to Tom’s head. The Sheriff tells Tom to get up, and Tom complies while asking how did the Sheriff survive. The Sheriff chuckles, saying he’s not an idiot. He knew that the famous Flint Westwood would never give up his gold, but he counted on one of the Two “Desper-FRAUD-os” finding compassion on the poor, dead Sheriff. Tom says that any decent man would have compassion on a wrongly gunned-down man. The Sheriff laughs, saying there’s are two things that Tom said that are totally inaccurate. The West has no decent men, just bad and worse men, and the Sheriff has sinned more than enough in life to not be considered a “wrongly gunned-down man.” How do you think he got this job? Tom’s eye widens, and the Sheriff makes fun of his eye patch for a second while forcing him up. The Sheriff has someone for him to meet.

We jump ahead an hour of the Sheriff forcing Tom forward to a dark location. Tom asks why they’re here, and the Sheriff answers he’s about to cut a vacation short. He yells for Snake Eyes, claiming they have unfinished business. Snake Eyes comes out of a cave, walking in on a blade coming out of his right hand. He uses it as a cane. The Sheriff says that Snake Eyes was right; the Two Desperados were frauds. Balancing carefully on his left leg, Snake Eyes raises the blade to Tom’s throat. He calmly explains that he only wants revenge against Flint about his missing appendages, and Tom is going to help them at the next bank. If he refuses... Snake Eyes stabs the ground and pulls a just-killed prairie dog carcass up to Tom’s eye.

The next morning. Martin and Flint now lead in on two horses being followed by ten. Martin asks Flint where he keeps on getting all these horses. Flint avoids the question by saying it’s magic, and Martin squeals delighted that it’s movie magic. Flint is confused, but decides not to ask. Martin asks if Flint if it’s okay he (Martin) doesn’t carry a gun. Flint says he doesn’t care, but asks why. Martin explains he used to LARP, and thus he feels more comfortable with the sword he found lying around camp. Flint just looks at him oddly, and says a sword is fine to defend one’s self with.

They arrive at the bank, and both exit their horses to enter the banks. It’s quiet... too quiet. Suddenly, Flint is shot in the leg... by Snake Eyes, who was waiting for him with Tom!  Martin quickly turns around to see the Sheriff enter the bank, shooting Flint in the hat twice. Flint falls to the ground unconscious. Martin, enraged, draws a sword up to duel Snake Eyes. Snake Eyes smiles, and puts his gun in its holster and runs to meet Martin. Left alone by Snake Eyes, Tom sees his opportunity to help out. The Sheriff continues kicking Flint in the gut for the hell of it when suddenly, Tom tackles the Sheriff to the ground. Snake Eyes attacks. He and Martin stand in one place, trading feints, thrusts and parries with lightning speed, almost impossible to follow. Martin has no trouble matching Snake Eyes. Tom throws the Sheriff to the wall against some gold, and the Sheriff responds by quickly recovering and kicking Tom in the chest. Snake Eyes swiftly kicks Martin’s leg out, sending him to the ground. He lunges for the final bow, but Martin rolls out of the way. The Sheriff runs up to punch Tom, but Tom jumps up onto a balcony, and then dives to headbutt the Sheriff. The Sheriff is knocked out, and Tom rubs his head, complaining that it hurts. Martin grabs his sword off the ground and continues his admittedly epic swordfight with Snake Eyes, however, he yells for Tom to help. Tom asks how, but then sees four chandeliers that’ll take him from his side of the bank to Martin’s. He grimaces, but, after grabbing the Sheriff’s gun out of his holster, promptly goes all Tarzan on the chandeliers, swinging from one to the next one.

Flint’s eyes flutter open. He takes off his hat, revealing a bag of gold there that cushioned the shot. Tom swings off the final chandelier, kicking Snake Eyes in the face. He is barely fazed by this, and quickly hoists himself off the ground with the blade. Flint looks over to his left, to see Snake Eyes, Tom, and Martin all fighting at once. He looks to his right and sees the Sheriff unconscious. He pulls the bullets lodged in the gold out of his hat, and loads them into his gun. He carefully aims, and shoots the Sheriff. The camera follows the bullet in slow motion, showing it go directly through his mouth, ensuring the Sheriff’s death.

Snake Eyes hears the gunshot, and swerves around to look at Tom, who has drawn his pistol. Mistaken, Snake Eyes aims his gun at Tom, saying he ruined their plan. Flint aims his gun at Snake Eyes, saying it’s time to finish the job. Finally, Tom aims his gun at Flint, saying he’s the one who’s caused all their trouble in the West. It’s a full-blown stand-off, albeit a very short one. As the stand-off is occurring, suddenly a SWOOSH is heard. Snake Eyes looks cross-eyed, and sees Martin’s sword lodged inbetween his eyes. As Snake Eyes falls to the ground dead, Martin gives a squeal of “OH MY GOD I DID SOMETHING BADASS AHHH!!!” and Flint smiles. Tom throws his gun down to the ground to make sure Flint doesn’t shoot him, but Flint is kind of lucid, and remarks that he didn’t know Tom had a gun. Tom facepalms but Martin runs to hug him, and Tom hugs him back. Flint says he doesn’t want to be left out, so Martin gets down one knee to hug him. Flint grimaces in pain but is actually happy. He then orders Martin to load up the horses with the gold. Tom helps out with the heist, not having anything else to do, while Flint gets up with a limp in his leg. He gets on his horse, while the gold is getting loaded up. They soon realize it’s impossible to carry all the gold, but Tom has an answer. They go to the back of the bank where the Sheriff’s police wagon is. They load the wagon with gold and hitch three of the horses up to the wagon. Martin and Tom get on their horses next to Flint, and smile at each other, happy to friends again. The three then ride off into the sunrise as the words THE END appear on screen.

Tom and Martin’s horses suddenly vaporize into thin air as the credits begin to roll. They look down and find themselves back in the clothes they were in when this first began, and without tans. Martin licks his re-established tooth, while Tom blinks his returned eye in delight. They look at the credits and see names go by that unrecognizable. Suddenly, they hear a voice. The voice claims that he is the director of the picture they were just in, and they have a very important choice to make. A door appears in front of them. The Director explains that if they go through the door, they’ll be back in modern times. If they don’t enter the door by the end of the credits, they can live in the West forever as the Two Desperados, with Flint as their partner in crime. The choice is individually theirs. Martin tells Tom he’s staying with Flint. The West is the only place he’s ever been actual success, and there’s nothing Tom can say to change his decision. Tom understands, but he tells Martin that he himself needs to go back. He’s missed Mary for so long and he can’t just leave her. Martin understands, and lets Tom go. However, Tom sticks around for a few seconds, and gives Martin the best bro hug ever. Tom then walks to the door, and looks back at Martin. They smile at each other as Tom enters the door.

Tom wakes up in his bed in a mirror shot to where he originally fell asleep. (The aspect ratio has returned to its original state.) Tom wonders to himself if it was a dream. He grabs his cell phone and calls Tom. A woman answers, and Tom says sorry, he must have the wrong number. He looks on his bedside and sees a DVD there titled “The Thin, the Phat, and the Felon: A True Story.” He puts the DVD in, and sees it was in the adventure he just had, as the film opens with the Two Desperados waking up in the Old West. He then turns around to his shelf of movies, seeing there is a series of ten westerns with Flint and Martin. He is kind of confused but the doorbell suddenly rings. Tom goes to answer the doorbell, and someone who looks like Martin (still played by Himesh Patel) in a suit is there. The man says hello in an American accent, and says that his great-great-grandfather gave a specific request to come give the proprietor of this house a letter on this date and time. Tom comments that that’s very Back-to-the-Future-y, and the man shrugs, saying he thought so too, but it was a good way to give an excuse at work for a paid vacation to the U.K. Tom boggles at that, asking what kind of job gives a paid vacation overseas just to finish up an ancestor’s dirty work. The man doesn’t really have an answer and his phone suddenly rings. “Shit! It’s my boss,” he exclaims. Tom wishes him luck as the man leaves. Tom opens the letter, and reads that Martin had a great life as one of the West’s greatest outlaws. He eventually found a wife too, and started a family. Martin’s letter says that he has left Tom a bit of his illustrious estate (the monetary value of the gold they first stole) and thanks Tom for being the best friend he ever had, and the one true Desperado. Tom smiles at this as we zoom in the TV behind Tom. We then cut back to Martin and Flint riding off into the sunset, as THE END appears again.

 

Edited September 24, 2019 by Blankments

[Blankments]

PLUS ONE

 

Writer/Director: Nicholas Stoller
Genre: Romantic Comedy
Release Date: July 8
Major Cast:
Adam Driver as John Vanderbilt
Tessa Thompson as Kelsey DeWitt
Gina Rodriguez as Tania Choi
Steven Yeun as Joel Choi
Brian Tyree Henry as Derek Gabriel
With Lance Garrett as himself
And Bette Midler as Elizabeth Truman

 

Cameos:

 

Colin Jost as Rob
Colton Haynes as himself

 

Theater Count: 3,863
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for language, suggestive material, and alcohol use.
Runtime: 123 min
Production Budget: $40 million
Music by: Christophe Beck
 

Plot Summary: After feeling so much pressure from friends to find that special someone, two people decide to fake a relationship and be each other’s “Plus One”s in order to be left alone. However, in the words of Ian Malcolm, love, uh, finds a way.

 

Plot:

 

In the city of Chicago, John Vanderbilt works at an entertainment website as a writer. He’s a workaholic through and through, and when it comes to friends, he really only has his trusty coworker, Joel Choi as a confidante. John lives in a nice apartment in the Loop, being reasonably well off, but still struggling to make ends meet simply because of his profession being in a dicey position right now. His boss, Elizabeth Truman, has it out for him simply because he mentioned off-hand once he wasn’t into watching TV, and, as this is an entertainment website, Truman took this as a personal affront to her life’s work.

Meanwhile, about 30 minutes north of the Loop, Kelsey DeWitt lives in a loft above the Plaintalk Theater. She’s an aspiring playwright who hasn’t written much since getting her Masters. She initially went to study theater in dreams of becoming an actress, but thought she was too shy to do so; so she went into playwrighting instead. She works downstairs as the receptionist, social media manager, and cashier of the Plaintalk, which specializes in productions and cabarets focused on social justice. Her boss/landlord, Derek Gabriel, has a sibling-esque relationship with her, frequently allowing her to miss rent since, after all, she’s working for him anyway. She tries to keep an active social life but keeps her writer’s block as an excuse to stay in and attempt writing something, anything.

One afternoon, John continues to work hard on some article until Joel knocks on his office door. Joel invites John to a play he’s going to do that night with his wife, Tania. John insists he doesn’t want to third wheel again, but Joel teases him, saying it’s not exactly third wheeling when he wants a drinking buddy. Tania is currently pregnant with her first child, and as such, John has been hanging out with the three of them a lot since Tania has volunteered to be a designated driver. Joel believes John really needs to get out there and find a girlfriend, and John is still very indifferent to the prospect. Nevertheless, he agrees to go to the play since he has no plans that night, and the promise of alcohol afterwards defeats his somewhat disinterest in theater.

Meanwhile, Kelsey gets up that morning and does a variety of chores around the theater, as Derek says he has a nice surprise for her. Kelsey doesn’t like surprises, and Derek offers her a deadline. One of the acts for the show that night, a cabaret of feminist reworkings of theatre and pop songs, has called off for a better audition. He wants a replacement act, written by her. Kelsey asks if it can be a sketch, but Derek would really prefer a song of some sort. Kelsey goes upstairs and sits down, really thinking about it. She pulls out her computer and begins to type.

That night, John buys his ticket from Kelsey, who tells him without even really looking at him to enjoy the show. John looks around and finds Joel and Tania, the latter of whom is beginning to finally show a bit. He sits down next to them, and murmurs that he thought he was gonna see a real show like Hamilton or Cats. Tania points out that when you have a baby on the way, you really can’t afford to be spending the big bucks on a simple night out, and John admits he too likes saving money, although he has no plans for a baby anytime soon. Joel and Tania share a look and Joel gives him a nudge and says that there’s gonna be plenty of beautiful women on stage, maybe he could ask one for a number afterwards. John shrugs this off.

At the front of house, Derek confronts Kelsey and asks her what’s she doing. Kelsey, confused, says she’s just doing her job, and Derek explains that if she’s replacing the act, she needs to perform it too. Kelsey is totally thrown off by it and says she can’t go on. Derek tells Kelsey that if she doesn’t go on, she’ll never be a good writer. Kelsey points out that the logic doesn’t follow and Derek just says if she wants her work to find an audience, one of the first steps is selling it herself. Kelsey still doesn’t fully agree but finds herself backstage, quickly searching through the costume rack for something.

The lights go down in the auditorium and the show begins. There’s a quick montage of the acts set to the opening number, a parody of ABBA’s “Gimme Gimme Gimme” (“Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (A Show About Women)”, about the lack of good female roles in theatre). All the acts definitely fall under the definition of cringeworthy performative wokeness, such as someone dressed as a hot dog while singing about being horny and someone dressed as Rosie the Riveter singing about how women’s pants need pockets, amongst other similar acts. John keeps checking his watch during it, feeling embarrassed for the mostly fresh-out-of-college-and high school women. After about an hour, Derek, who has been MCing takes the stage, and says they’ve got one last number before their finale, and it’s by someone who knows has put a lot of effort into it; someone with a ton of work ethic.

Derek welcomes Kelsey to the stage who looks remarkably nervous and is wearing a semi-formal black dress. John leans forward, surprised to see someone around his own age on stage. The music starts and Kelsey sings a parody of Whitney Houston’s “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” titled “I Wanna Walk Home With Somebody”, about the struggle of women walking home late at night. It’s not particularly great, but Kelsey gets surprisingly into it with her dancing, and the audience begins clapping along. Even John starts swaying a bit in his seat to the beat. When the song ends, the audience breaks out into applause as Kelsey bows awkwardly and leaves to head backstage and quickly change into her street clothes. She then heads to sit at the cashier booth, picking up a book as to not be bothered, while still doing her job. She looks a bit saddened, as if she’s disappointed with her own performance.

Inside, John was blown away by how much fun he had watching Kelsey’s number, and unfortunately, the finale doesn’t include her. He wonders why out loud to Tania and Joel, and they smirk, saying John must have a crush. John insists he doesn’t, saying that if he wanted to watch amateur theater, he could’ve gone to his cousin’s college; Kelsey’s performance was the only part of the night that felt remotely close to professional. Tania points out that he’s being a tad ageist, but John doesn’t care. As they leave the theater and enter the lobby, Joel excuses himself to use the bathroom, and out of the corner of her eye, Tania spots Kelsey at her desk, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Tania points her out to John, and says that if he really liked her performance, she looks like she could use a compliment. John looks at Tania who gives him a shrug. It’s up to him.

John walks up to Kelsey and asks her if she was the person who he saw on stage. Kelsey looks at him, and a bit awkwardly, admits that yeah, she was the one who did the Whitney Houston song; she knows it was super cringe-y. John says that it wasn’t; it was by far the only part of his evening he enjoyed. Kelsey points out that the other girls were pretty good too, and John awkwardly tries to make it so he hadn’t been insulting them (even though he didn’t like them at all). John asks her if she usually performs, and she says, nah, she considers herself more a writer. John says he’s a writer too; he writes for an entertainment magazine, and Kelsey clarifies she writes creatively. John smiles, and says as long as it was more creative than the song she just sang, she’s probably pretty good at it. Kelsey frowns and asks him what he thought of the song. After all, she wrote it. John gulps and starts trying to make an excuse for the song actually being pretty good, but lucky for him, Joel walks right up and puts his hand on John’s shoulder.

Joel compliments Kelsey on the performance, and introduces himself and Tania to her. Kelsey nods her head while also semi-glaring at John, who looks embarrassed still. Joel says they’re about to get drinks if she wants to come with, and Kelsey turns him down, pointing out that Tania’s belly means they probably shouldn’t. Tania asks her what she’s insinuating and Kelsey immediately starts stammering, trying not to admit she thought Tania was pregnant. Tania laughs, and says she’s just messing and it’s okay if she doesn’t wanna come. Joel and Tania head out, but John lingers for a second, and apologizes for being a dick. He genuinely liked her performance and if she wants to come with them, he’d be down to buy her a drink. Besides, he asks her if she knows how annoying it is to always hang out with a married couple, and it’d be nice to have someone else to talk to for once. Kelsey thinks about it for a second, and figures, eh, free booze, why not, she can hang out with an asshole for an evening.

At the bar, Joel and Tania share glances as Kelsey and John warm up to each other rather quickly, especially after a few drinks. However, they keep coming with clear differences in ideology and interests. John loves sports; Kelsey finds them boring. John gave up on his dream to become a YA writer of sports novels to work in the magazine industry; Kelsey refuses to give up on her playwriting dream despite not having any work done since getting her masters. Kelsey likes watching junky TV and independent movies; John generally sticks to the blockbusters. Still, they develop a genuine rapport despite not sharing similar interests and dreams, and after a while, Joel and Tania excuse themselves, saying it’s getting late. John looks at them in horror but as both he and Kelsey are pretty drunk, they decide to stick around the bar for a bit longer. Joel reminds John they have work tomorrow, and John says he’ll uber back home in an hour. They peace out, as Kelsey and John continue to talk.

Eventually, karaoke night begins at the bar, and John asks Kelsey if she’ll sing again. Kelsey smiles and says she will if John joins her in a duet. They quickly go through the choices, and they come across “Shallow”, by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. John remarks that that was a good movie, and Kelsey looks at him in surprise; she loved it too. They agree to do the song, but Kelsey has the condition that John has to do the Lady Gaga part. The song plays out with John doing a hilarious falsetto and Kelsey doing a bad Sam Elliot impression while she sings. However, at the end, they drop their funny voices and sing into each other’s eyes, but then look away awkwardly. John breaks the silence and says maybe they should get going.

Outside the bar, Kelsey asks John if he’s gonna call the Uber for himself, and John answers that he remembers her song, as he drunkenly starts singing a bit of “I Wanna Walk Home with Somebody.” Kelsey thanks him but insists she doesn’t need his help. They aren’t too far from her place after all. John says he wants to help and Kelsey shrugs and says fine. When they get to her place, John says he’ll get going, but Kelsey tells him to wait. She invites him up to her loft, and he smiles, saying sure. They go to her small room, and Kelsey tells him she just needs to get something in her bathroom. John smiles but then yawns as Kelsey takes a quick shower, and psyches herself up in the mirror. For the first time in a very long while, she brought someone home. She tells herself not to mess it up and finally exits to see… John, shirtless, snoring on the ground. She frowns, knowing that it was a little too good to be true. She looks at him shirtless, giving a weird look at his chest. She doesn’t really know how to respond to it.

Early the next morning, John wakes up bleary-eyed and hungover. He checks his watch and immediately sits up. He’s late! He quickly runs to the bathroom to use it and bursts the door open as suddenly, Kelsey screams from inside there. John slams the door shut and apologizes, saying he didn’t see anything. Kelsey mutters that she knows that too well, as she quickly throws on some clothes from inside and exits. John searches for his shirt, and asks her if she knows where it is. Kelsey says she literally walked in and he was shirtless last night, but he can borrow one of hers if he wants to. John points that he’s practically a foot taller than her and Kelsey, more than a bit annoyed, says he’s lucky she’s offering anything. Not like it’s gonna be a crop top or anything. John calms down and apologizes. Kelsey tosses him a long lounge shirt with Skeletor on it, and as he quickly puts it on, he asks her if they’ll see each other again. Kelsey deadpans that she’s gonna want her shirt back, and John awkwardly exchanges numbers with her as he calls an Uber.

John arrives at work about an hour late, awkwardly wearing the He-Man shirt that, despite being very long on Kelsey, shows a bit of skin on him. He tries to sneak in unnoticed, but a coworker named Rob (Colin Jost) compliments him on the shirt. He rushes by Rob and arrives in his office where he screams in shock. Elizabeth has been waiting for him. She yells at him for arriving late, and she tells him he stinks. John apologizes profusely, and she just shakes her head. She says she’s not going to fire him, but he has a new assignment: she needs him to cover the wedding of some fashion designer. Elizabeth tells him he needs to bring a plus one, and since he’s a fairly attractive man in his mid 30s, that shouldn’t be too hard. John, not knowing what to say, asks Elizabeth to be the plus one. Elizabeth just stares at him and throws his coffee at him. John shrieks and Elizabeth says next time he wants to make bad jokes to her, don’t arrive an hour late in a He-Man shirt.

Downstairs at the Plaintalk, Kelsey types on her computer. She’s working on a short play inspired by her previous night when Derek walks in, and sits right in front of her. Kelsey tries to ignore him but he asks about last night. Derek says he saw the guy leave and he was kinda cute. Kelsey says he’s stupid and Derek tells her to spill. Kelsey closes her laptop and says, sure, John’s cute, but he literally fell asleep in the five minutes it took for her to take a shower when they got back and somehow, he lost a shirt in that five minutes too. He’s an idiot where they don’t really agree on anything, but he seems generally nice besides that. Derek asks if she’s gonna see him again, and she says probably, because he stole a shirt of hers. Derek says that’s a little weird, and Kelsey explains that she loaned it to him, but he’s gonna return it. Derek gives her an eyebrow raise and says that’s a good way to ensure a second date. Kelsey says she doesn’t think what happened last night was a date, and Derek asks if he paid for her drinks. Kelsey doesn’t answer and Derek goes “Uh-huh.”

Back at the office, John works diligently while also trying to hide in his office. Joel walks in and immediately points out John’s shirt, asking why he’s wearing that. John doesn’t want to answer and Joel wants more details on what happened after he left last night. John says they sang karaoke and went to her place afterwards. Joel asks if they did anything and John sheepishly answers that he fell asleep. Joel says that’s a huge mistake of John, and asks him if he’s into her. John says he honestly doesn’t know; maybe he is, but he feels like maybe it’s just the pressure of him turning 35 soon and still not having a steady girlfriend ever. After all, he doesn’t think they’re compatible long-term. Joel says he thinks John is trying to come up with excuses to not be interested in Kelsey, and John rolls his eyes and tells him to leave. Joel complies with a sly smile, as John pulls out his phone. He looks at Kelsey’s contact info, and texts her to ask when they could meet up to give the shirt back. Kelsey, in the theater, thinks for a second about Derek said and texts back that they could get lunch tomorrow at a cafe near her place. John’s reply shows up immediately: “sure.”

The next day, the two sit across from each other at the cafe. The He-Man shirt sits next to Kelsey as they share queso. They’re back to talking back-and-forth but the raw energy that was present in karaoke is gone. Indeed, it seems as though they’re both afraid to talk about anything really personal, instead going over their previous day. Eventually, the conversation goes to a lull and Kelsey pulls out her phone to text someone. John, not wanting the conversation to die, finally brings up something that is weird to him: he asks her if she ever feels like she’s being pressured into finding someone for a relationship. Kelsey looks at him weirdly as he quickly clarifies he just means in general; as far as he knows, they’re just friends. Kelsey gives a slight frown as she says they’re really more acquaintances but John continues on, not noticing the slight disappointment, as he asks her if this is something for men and women. Kelsey looks at him incredulously; of course, it is. She responds with a question of her own: has John ever been asked when he’s planning on having kids. John misses the joke of it and says, yes, exactly and Kelsey muses that she didn’t know he could have kids. John pauses for a second and gives an awkward chuckle but Kelsey begins to actually respond to his question. She understands completely, here she is, 33-years-old, and all anyone wants to ever talk to her about is when she’s gonna get laid. No one asks about her projects, or what she wants to do with her Masters; they just care about her nonexistent love life. John agrees 100%, saying all Joel has been talking to him about for the past year when they’re not doing something is when he’s gonna get a girlfriend. Just yesterday at work, he was told he needed a plus one for a wedding he needs to cover, with his boss just assuming he’d have someone to take.

Kelsey gets an idea. She says, “Maybe I could be your plus one.” John coughs on his water as Kelsey quickly explains. She’s not asking him out; god, she didn’t mean to make it weird. But anyway, think about it: both of them are being pressured by everyone they know to get a love life. They clearly have had fun hanging out with each other, right? John says sure, he thinks they’re becoming friends. Kelsey says that if they faked a relationship with each other, they’d be able to dodge everyone’s questions about when they’re gonna get a significant other. Essentially, they’ll be each others’ Plus Ones, people they can take to social engagements and show off as their SO, while just genuinely having a good time at the party. John, attempting to make a joke, says they’ll be mutual beneficial friends. Kelsey snorts and says more like friends without benefits. The table grows silent for a second when John says that it sounds good to him, honestly. Having a Plus One to the wedding would be great, and he genuinely could see himself having a decent time with Kelsey. Kelsey reminds him he still will need to do his job and John tells her not to worry about that. Their food finally arrives and they continue talking, remembering their arrangement as the scene fades out.

A week later, John pulls up to the Plaintalk in a rented tux. He parks his car briefly and walks in, where he is met by Derek. Derek gives him a wide smile, and shakes his hand, saying he’s glad Kelsey finally got herself a man. Kelsey comes over wearing the dress she wore during the performance, asking if this is okay. John nods his head and Kelsey introduces him to Derek as her super weird boss/landlord. Derek says she’s lucky he’s cool with the constant teasing, and Kelsey kisses on the cheek goodbye as an answer to that. In the car, John asks if she and Derek are a thing, and Kelsey answers that if they were, why would she agree to the Plus One thing. John points out that there’s a lot of free outings and cool shit they’re gonna do, and Kelsey says true, but nah, she thinks of Derek as a brother.

At the wedding, John pulls out a notepad to take notes on the type of food being served and the decorations at the altar. Kelsey asks if people really care about weddings of semi-famous people, and John says he honestly doesn’t know, but he’s used to reporting on them. In fact, a lot of famous people invite journalists to their weddings to make their relationship more publicized. John doesn’t do much extra research on the celebrities he reports on, believing it to always be more interesting to find out during the interviews or from his own observation. Kelsey asks if that’s a normal thing, and John tells her this is the fifth wedding of the dude he’s reporting on. Kelsey says she’s glad she isn’t like that, she’d hate to be constantly meeting new people and not realizing who’s her soulmate. John is surprised she believes in the idea of there being soulmates, and Kelsey says she doesn’t really believe in it, but she figures once she meets who she’s meant to be with, it’ll be pretty obvious.

The wedding begins and John takes notes on everything, but then ends up paying more attention to Kelsey. When Kelsey notices him looking at her, she smiles but he turns away, embarrassed. At the reception, they both pick at their food, while talking to the rich people at their table, but then the DJ starts playing “Shut Up and Dance” by Walk the Moon and Kelsey loudly proclaims she loves this song! John is surprised; it seems super basic for Kelsey, but Kelsey tells him not to judge and just shut up and dance! The rich people at the table look at them with a smile: young love. John tries to explain but Kelsey drags him to the dance floor where they dance a bit; John isn’t particularly graceful but they both have a fun time. Eventually, the bride throws the bouquet and, as a joke, Kelsey dramatically dodges it, making both her and John laugh. As the song fades, John drops off Kelsey at her place, and she tells him she has an idea for something she wants to do next week. 

A montage kicks off with the second verse of “Shut Up and Dance,” showing the montage of “dates” Kelsey and John go on. Derek invites Kelsey to a drag show he’s hosting at the Plaintalk, and John shows up as her Plus One. John gets surprisingly into it, cheering at a ton of points. John’s work hosts a wine tasting, and Kelsey shows up, getting extremely tipsy on the wine tasting, but John looks out for her. Joel and Tania go to a Billy Joel concert and have extra tickets, so John and Kelsey go and sing along to “Only the Good Die Young” (the song in the background thus transitions to this Billy Joel song). They decide to go see Bambi: A Life in the Woods together, since seeing a kids movie alone is always awkward. During the movie, Kelsey tries to grab John’s hand but John, not knowing how to respond, pulls it away, whispering that his hands are too buttery. Kelsey looks annoyed but as they leave the theater, they both have tears in their eyes; the film having satisfied John’s blockbuster sensibilities and Kelsey’s love for independent drama. Finally, the two decide to get dance lessons so at the next wedding they go to, they’ll be able to dance decently. However, once the instructor tries to get them intimately close to each other, they both abruptly decide to leave, but say they’ll hang out again soon, ending the montage.

John shows up at work the following day, with Elizabeth again waiting in his office. John gives a slight yell in shock and Elizabeth tells him to calm down. She has another great assignment for him: to do a profile on international sexiest man alive Lance Garrett. Famous for his role in the He-Man franchise and also on the CW’s Greenhill, the teen soap reimagining of Sonic the Hedgehog, Garrett is prepping for the release of the fourth He-Man movie while also filming the sixth season of the show in the city. John asks if there’s any hidden angle to the profile, something for him to sink his teeth into, and Elizabeth says the only teeth she wants sinking in is Lance Garrett on her. John doesn’t know how to reply to this, and Elizabeth continues, saying she’s set up a meeting with Garrett for tomorrow in his Chicago apartment, She wants the best of John’s reporting, as this is gonna be the cover story on the site for the month. John mutters that websites don’t have covers and Elizabeth raises her coffee as if she’s gonna throw it at him. John immediately ducks behind an office chair as Elizabeth laughs, calling him cute.

That night, at a pretty self-absorbed one-man-show about the necessity of leaving toenails untrimmed at the Plaintalk, Kelsey and John sit in the back, watching the show with a morbid fascination. As it ends, Kelsey takes her place in the lobby and asks John about what’s going on in his life. John mentions the Lance Garrett profile and Kelsey immediately freaks out. She loves Lance Garrett; she’s watched every episode of Greenhill three times and goes to see the He-Man movies every time on opening night. John is thrown by this, saying he thought Kelsey was into indie shit. Kelsey says that she is, and if there’s a hottest man alive that would qualify as indie, it’d be Lance Garrett. Think about it: he’s only ever acted in He-Man movies and a CW show. That’s insane to her, and he’s ridiculously cute. John says he doubts Lance is that hot, and Kelsey says he needs to watch Greenhill then. Kelsey asks if she can tag along, and John is iffy about it. Kelsey says that what’s the point of them being plus ones, if she can’t plus herself along to a meeting with Lance Garrett. Not wanting to disappoint her, John reluctantly agrees.

The next day, John and Kelsey take an elevator up to Lance Garrett’s apartment. Kelsey is wearing the Skeletor shirt, to John’s amusement. Kelsey explains this is the only thing she has in relation to He-Man, and she wants Lance to know she’s a fan. John says he doubts many reporters bring plus ones, unless they are fans of the celeb. Before Kelsey can reply, the elevator lets out to a hallway with a single door as Kelsey looks around. Garrett must be rich. John rings the doorbell and Lance opens the door wearing a footie pajamas that comes up to his waist. So, yes. He’s shirtless. He welcomes them in as Kelsey is left totally speechless. 

Inside the apartment, Lance offers them some kumquat protein shakes he just made, which John passes on, but Kelsey can only give an excited nod too. Lance guesses it’s time for the interview and as such leads them into his office - which is merely another living room in his ginormous apartment. As Kelsey sips on the kumquat shake, she asks Lance what he’s been up to recently, and Lance deadpans that he’s been filming. Kelsey feels awkward for a second until Lance snort-laughs and says he’s just messing. He takes a seat criss-cross applesauce on a coffee table as John and Kelsey sit on his couch. He says they’re a cute couple, and Kelsey insists they aren’t. John nods his head, but Lance, without skipping a beat, asks them when they plan on getting married. Kelsey spits out her shake in shock and John says he doesn’t see it ever happening. Kelsey then winks at Lance, saying she’s available. Lance doesn’t notice the remarkably forward nature Kelsey is throwing at him, and John starts asking a few questions on the new He-Man movie. It’s standard fare for marketing, softball questions. Suddenly, Kelsey asks about the snake people in it. John glares at her, but Lance gives a wry smile and says, yes the snake people are some of his favorite parts of the movie. The scene moves on quickly, as John continues his interview while Kelsey makes goo-goo eyes at him.

The next day, John turns in his rough draft of the article. Elizabeth reads it quickly and asks where’s the juicy parts. John said he thought this was an entertainment magazine, not a tabloid, and Elizabeth answers that it’s both. She wants a follow-up interview more focused on Garrett’s personal life, and demands John to do a good job with it, or else he’ll lose his job. John sighs, and says he’ll go back that night. Later on in the day, Kelsey texts him about the Garrett story and John answers he needs to go back for more questions. Kelsey says she has no plans that night, essentially inviting herself along. John doesn’t know how to say no, so we cut ahead to that evening, with John and Kelsey back on the couch with Garrett sitting in front of them. However, this time he’s completely naked. He stands up, showing his dick to them (but not to the camera; it’s carefully framed to keep the PG-13 rating) and declares this is why he is He-Man, not He-Boy! John puts his head in his hands while Kelsey stares with a huge smile.

As they drive home from the interview, John is quiet while Kelsey gushes about Lance. John says Lance is really just looks and not that attractive. Kelsey counters that Lance has done a lot of work various charities related to pretty much every cause, be it women’s rights, LGBT communities and the environment. Also, he is pretty hot. John pulls over the car and asks her if once when they were up there, she even looked at him. Kelsey says she doesn’t know, but like… why would she need to? John says that they’re friends, and he was there both times trying to a job and she kept on distracting him. Kelsey says he isn’t acting like a friend with this kind of jealousy and John doesn’t have a response. Kelsey points out this is just an arrangement; they were tired of doing stuff alone and being pressured to go on outings with new dates. Neither of them are looking for relationships right now (as much as Kelsey enjoyed flirting with Lance, she knows she doesn’t have a chance with him), but this allowed them to get others off their back. Kelsey says that with how John’s acted this whole time, she’s understood that, so she really doesn’t get his issue. John wants to say something… but doesn’t know how to say it. So he just tells Kelsey she’s right as the two continue driving to Kelsey’s drop-off.

A few days later, John brings Kelsey as his Plus One to Joel and Tania’s baby shower. Tania remarks that she really didn’t need to come as a plus one, saying they would be happy to invite her on her own. John mutters to himself a bit, but Kelsey ignores it. When gifts are being passed around, Kelsey asks John if he brought one. John, whose mind has been completely all over the past few days, has totally blanked on it. He immediately feels super embarrassed, and Kelsey says that if he had wanted to do, he could’ve texted her about it and she would’ve remembered. John says that of course it’s his fault. Kelsey excuses herself and John for a second from the outdoor party, and grabs John by the arm, saying they need to talk.

Kelsey asks why things haven’t been the same since they met with Lance. They barely text at all anymore, and, honestly, the last two times they hung out before this were the Lance interviews. She knows something is up and she wants John to let it out. John looks at her and sighs, and says she’s right. He needs to get this off his chest, but before he can, Kelsey cuts him off. She says that if he says what she thinks he’s about to say, he’s got some explaining to do. John, confused, just tells her that he thinks he loves her. He’s liked her since he met her and the more and more time they spent together, the more he felt like he might even love her. Kelsey puts her head in her hand and screams in frustration. That was what she was expecting and not what she wanted to hear. John asks her if she likes him too, and Kelsey says, yes, but that’s not the point. If John had liked her when they first met, why didn’t he ever say anything?

Kelsey felt something the first night, but then John fell asleep before they could do anything. John defends himself, saying he was drunk and tired. Kelsey, exasperated, says that doesn’t mean he couldn’t legitimately ask her out the next day. John says he was embarrassed and Kelsey tells him to grow a pair. Even if he was and he wanted to do this whole “plus one” thing, she’s given him more than enough hints that she wanted more. She tried to hold his hand at the movies, she signed them up for couples dance lessons, she was the one to instigate the Plus One. She wanted to hang out with him more, so he could ask her out. John points out that it’s the 21st century; if she wanted to ask him out, she could’ve. Kelsey’s sorry that everything’s her fault and she’s sorry that she gave up hope John would catch on.  Eventually, she had to give up on it or it just would start hurting to hang out with John. John says then maybe they shouldn’t hang out anymore.

Kelsey immediately stops ranting, and looks at him. John says that this whole thing failed; neither of them are happy. Kelsey says they could start over, and John asks her why should would flirt with another guy in front of him. Kelsey gets angry, and says he had told her time and time again they were just friends. Eventually, she needed to seek out something more, and John says that’s not why they started this; they started this because they didn’t have time to seek out an actual relationship. Kelsey says quietly she thought she found one in John, but when it was clear John didn’t reciprocate, she needed to find something to fill the void she kept feeling. If John had liked her from the beginning, why didn’t he just say so? John admits… he was afraid. Afraid that Kelsey was better than him. Kelsey says that’s ridiculous and John says not to dismiss him. Kelsey has pursued her dreams and he’s settled for an awful job interviewing fake celebrities. Kelsey snorts and says she’s failed at her dreams; the night he saw her perform was the first time she’d either written or performed in ages, and since meeting him, she hasn’t continued on that breakthrough. John says an even better reason for him to leave. Kelsey doesn’t have a response as John walks out, quickly stopping to tell Joel he’ll bring the present tomorrow.

As John drives off, Kelsey stares out the window and starts to cry a little. She quickly composes herself, and goes down to enjoy the rest of the baby shower, as Tania looks on at her with concern. She takes an Uber back to the Plaintalk, as Derek welcomes her in. He asks where John is, and Kelsey says he shouldn’t expect to see him again anytime soon. Derek frowns and asks why. Kelsey explains what happened, and Derek says he should’ve known something was up when John just borrowed Kelsey’s shirt. Kelsey looks at him confused, and Derek comes clean. He stole John’s shirt the first night because he believed that the raw sexual energy of seeing John’s shirtless self would’ve made Kelsey immediately turned on and fall in love with him. Kelsey, after delivering a magnificent “What the actual fuck” asks Derek if she thinks she’s an idiot and Derek shrugs, saying that although he loves her like a sister, she’s the one who hasn’t written or auditioned for shit in years. She’s bumming around the theater for over five years now; she needs to move on. Kelsey tells him she will gladly. Derek asks what she means and Kelsey quickly goes up to her loft and yells down she quits, as she begins packing her suitcase. 

Joel walks into the bar from the beginning of the movie, looking to meet John. John has been drinking, feeling like a total idiot. He asks Joel why he didn’t just ask Kelsey out when she met her. Joel tells him, annoyed, he thought he did. John drunkenly apologizes, saying he didn’t mean to fuck things up so much, and Joel tells him they’re friends, so he forgives him - well, outside making the baby shower awkward as hell, but they can talk about that later. John asks if Kelsey stuck around and Joel answers that she did. Joel says Kelsey’s a really neat friend, and honestly, John is making a huge mistake by letting her get away. John starts moaning, saying he wished he wasn’t so nervous. If he had just outright asked at the beginning, or said he wanted to be more than friends when the Plus One was proposed, he wouldn’t be in this mess and he’d still be with Kelsey.

Joel says, wisely, that he doesn’t know that. After all, maybe they would’ve got into a similar argument. He remembers John mentioning that he didn’t find himself compatible with Kelsey, since he mentioned so many differences between the two of them. John says he was an idiot, and Joel says he still is. John confesses he’s never been in a relationship before, and a part of him is afraid of how he’ll change when he does. Joel tells him that he’s 34-years-old. He’s probably due for some change. The bar announces karaoke is about to begin, and Joel, knowing John’s love for karaoke, encourages him to go on up. John needs little urging to go, and then takes the mic, as Christina Perri’s Jar of Hearts begins to play. John first loses his composure but then delivers a serious rendition of the song, clearly beating himself despite the lyrics of the song going against that. 

John’s cover of the song continues to play as we transition to Kelsey in an elevator. She didn’t know where to go, so she rings the doorbell to Lance Garrett’s place. Colton Haynes opens the door as Kelsey looks in surprise. Inside, Colton and Lance sit at the couch while Kelsey sits on the coffee table, somehow confused. Lance says he’s surprised that she’s surprised. Hasn’t she read anything about him? Kelsey sheepishly admits that although she keeps up to date on Greenhill and He-Man, she doesn’t usually read celebrity gossip, although she had heard from some friends about his charity work. Colton smirks, and says she must’ve had a crush on Lance or something. Kelsey stammers, more than a little embarrassed, but Lance says it’s fine. He’s used to having that effect on people. Lance is a bit more surprised that John, being an entertainment journalist, didn’t tell her. Kelsey says they should forget about John, and Colton, detecting some drama, asks her to spill. Kelsey quickly explains the whole story, all the way up to the truly bizarre Derek reveal and henceforth her vacating her old house. She still likes John but he’s hurt her, and she doesn’t know they can even still be friends. Lance and Colton offer her the apartment as a halfway home, as Lance says he finds her pretty funny and genuinely a nice person. Lance also offers some advice for Kelsey: he thinks that she and John both need distance from each other. They both clearly got some deep shit to figure out about themselves, and maybe in a while, they could be friends again. Kelsey agrees, despite how much she doesn’t want to.

Back at the bar, John and Joel are leaving and Joel says that tomorrow, when he’s sober, he should text Kelsey. John doesn’t know about it, but sure enough, the next day, he wakes up with a text from Kelsey that simply says “It might be best for us to not see each other for a while.” John texts back: “I was going to send you the same thing.” Kelsey’s reply: “K.” “This Eve of Parting” by John Hartford plays as a montage of the next few months without each other follows with no audio besides the music. Elizabeth yells at John for not turning in the article in time, and John quits his job. He takes a job as a librarian and in his free time, he works on writing a children’s chapter book titled “Baseball Camp - Pitcher’s Day”. Meanwhile, Kelsey begins applying to jobs everywhere, and eventually lands one as an after-school teacher at a theater academy. In her free time, she auditions for shows to act and has begun working on her new full-length play, one about a woman who works for BuzzFeed and discovers a conspiracy. The screen split-screens as the music fades and they both pick up their phone and smile, saying congratulations to the other person on the line.

At a local hospital, Tania has given birth, and the time has come for them to invite their friends to come see their daughter, Allana. When John enters the room, he sees Kelsey there, cooing at the baby. After all, she stayed friends with Tania after the baby shower, and is glad to see the baby safe and happy. He stops for a second but Joel gestures him to come closer. Kelsey sees him and gives him a hug, saying it’s great to see him. John wasn’t expecting that but he hugs back too. Tania asks if they came to see each other or their kid, and John looks at Allana, as Joel puts his arm on his shoulder, happy his friend came.

In the hallway outside the room, John asks Kelsey if she wants to catch up and Kelsey says sure, she’d like that. They go to a local pub and order a meal, and the two discover what’s happened to each other over the past few months. They’re generally happy with each other, but apprehensive on implying anything more than close friends. Eventually, John wants to be honest: he tells Kelsey he should’ve been upfront at the beginning that he was interested, but he was worried his feelings weren’t real. That he only felt the way he did because his friends kept trying to set him up with someone and he thought he needed to find love soon, or else it would never come to him. But he was also afraid of change. Kelsey says she understands. After all, women are naturally more mature than men. John chuckles at this, but Kelsey also says that she doesn’t even think they’re compatible for romance. Look at them, they’re happy right now, and all the best times they had were when they just thought they’d be friends, with the slight hope of something more, something that could make their life’s ruts better. They don’t need that hope anymore though. They’ve made their life better on their own, but now… now they can stay friends, Kelsey says confidently. John looks into her eyes, which seem to be glimmering slightly - with hope? With sadness? John can’t tell, but he knows what he wants to do.

John says he saw on the entrance that this pub had karaoke. Kelsey asks if he’s a little too sober for that, and John says he’s always down for karaoke. Kelsey chuckles, with a light wistfulness, and says John can do it on his own; she’ll watch. John smiles and walks away as Kelsey lets her guard down now that he can’t see her. She’s clearly distraught, as the tables have turned. Whereas John used to be afraid of love, now she’s afraid of losing John again. She wants to be just friends so she can keep him in her life. She’s missed him, and she can tell he’s missed her too. However, a song begins to play, the instrumental to “I Wanna Dance With Somebody”. John begins to sing a bit nervous, but they aren’t the right words. It’s his attempted memory of “I Wanna Walk Home With Somebody,” the parody Kelsey sang when John first laid eyes on her. John gestures to her to join him, and she does, but whispers to him, saying it’s okay if he wants to sing the words he knows. John insists he wants to use the words Kelsey wrote. Kelsey smiles wide as she sings her lyrics loud and proud as John takes the backup, until the ending of the song when he outright remembers it and they duet that they wanna walk home each other. As the outtro, the few members in the pub applaud as Kelsey laughs and hugs John. She has tears in her eyes and so does John. John says he made a mistake the last night he heard those words, and he doesn’t wanna make the same mistake again. He loves Kelsey. Kelsey says she loves him too as the lights fade.

ONE MONTH LATER. Lance Garrett and Colton Haynes are getting married and John and Kelsey go together, but since they were both invited, they bring Joel and Tania as their Plus Ones. After all, they have never been to a celebrity wedding before, and Tania is happy to be able to drink again at a place as extravagant as this. Kelsey has moved into John’s apartment where they work on their writing together and share stories about their day. John runs into Elizabeth there, who says she gave the job of the Lance Garrett profile to Rob. Rob proudly says he brought Elizabeth as his Plus One. Kelsey and John share a look at each other as the reception begins after the wedding. The credits begin to roll as Colton Haynes’s proudly proclaimed favorite song, “Uma Thurman” by Fall Out Boy begins to play. When Haynes throws the bouquet, Elizabeth catches it and shows it to Rob. As the credits roll, the entire cast dances to the eclectic song choice, each getting a solo as their cast credit appears (when Brian Tyree Henry’s credit appears, it awkwardly cuts back to him at the Plaintalk, simply sweeping the floors silently until immediately cutting back to the party). As the title appears, fireworks go off and the song fades as Kelsey and John, who have been dancing together the whole time, finally kiss. Cut to the credits scroll to, what other than, "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" by Whitney Houston.

 

 

Alternative Google Docs Plot: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SmAZG-xYG-yeWZPHWOIcbL_Gm6tf9po4IB0M7wt8EOI/edit?usp=sharing

Edited September 24, 2019 by Blankments

[Blankments]

Chuck Norris and

Liam Neeson vs.

the Current

Hollywood Landscape

 

Director: Clark Gregg
Genre: Action
Release Date: February 11
Formats: IMAX, 3D, Dolby

Major Cast:

Chuck Norris as Chuck Norris
Liam Neeson as Liam Neeson
Salma Hayek as Salma Hayek
Samuel L. Jackson as Samuel L. Jackson
Clark Gregg as Clark Gregg
Lana Condor as Intern Claire
Jake Johnson as Alex Hirsch
Kyle Mooney as Phil Lord
Beck Bennett as Christopher Miller
Mark Duplass as Matt Duffer
Ron Livingston as Ross Duffer
With Jamie Foxx as Edward Nadny
And Willem Dafoe as Michelle Haywood

 

Secret Roles/Cameos:

 

Jack McBrayer as Sir Thymes (voice)
Christoph Waltz as Woody Allen
Olivia Cooke as Olivia Cooke
Jennifer Yuh as Jennifer Yuh
Sasha Lane as Sasha Lane
Nicolas Cage as Thomas the Tank Engine (voice)
Bill Hader as the real Edward Nadny

Theater Count: 3,323
MPAA Rating: R for graphic scenes of action violence, strong language, and smoking.
Runtime: 137 min
Production Budget: $70 million
Music by: Bear McCreary

 

Previous Film: Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Loch Monster - 14.2M/41.2M/118.5M (OW/DOM/WW)

 

Plot Summary: After Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Loch Monster bombs at the box office, Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson travel to Hollywood in an attempt to save their movie from cancellation, but uncover a mysterious conspiracy that could change the world as we know it.

 

Plot:

 

At the headquarters of Blankments Productions, Edward Nadny, CEO of the company, sits on his desk, tapping his hands ominously. Intern Claire walks in and delivers the news: the final box office numbers are in for

Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Loch Ness Monster: it ended its run at the domestic box office with $41,152,610, a little under 9 million dollars less than its production budget. It might make enough overseas to justify a sequel, but for the most part, it looks like a bomb. Nadny laughs maniacally at this and tells Intern Claire to bring him his cell phone. As the intern hands it with concern, Nadny dials Clark Gregg and breaks him the news: the Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson movies are cancelled.

CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. THE CURRENT HOLLYWOOD LANDSCAPE

Meanwhile, in a trailer in the Himalayas, Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson run lines back in forth. Liam Neeson is clearly much more used to the dramatic aspect of the script they’re working on, but has promised to help Chuck Norris as much as he can in discovering his inner thespian. Chuck Norris is not particularly adept in emoting, so it’s a bit of a struggle, but at least he has his lines memorized. They decide to take a quick break and discuss what’s happened recently: after the Loch Ness Monster attacked the set of the drama in Scotland, their director, Clark Gregg, decided to move production to the Himalayas, in hopes of making it a winter time drama. Samuel L. Jackson has decided to take a job as a line producer, believing this to be his quickest way back to the states after aiding the Loch Ness Monster; while Salma Hayek is currently still in the film, she has not talked to Chuck Norris or Liam Neeson since they’ve landed in the Himalayas. Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson return to running lines, but are interrupted by Samuel L. Jackson, who breaks into their trailer and says Clark Gregg wants to speak with them.

As Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson take a seat in the small Himalayan office of Clark Gregg, their director looks grim. He decides to give to them straight: the movie has been cancelled. There’s been market research back at Blankments Productions, and it turns out people don’t wanna see Chuck Norris or Liam Neeson anymore: they’ve been deemed “cancelled”. Chuck Norris asks for clarification; have they been cancelled or just the movie? Clark Gregg sighs and says both, but the bigger problem is the movie being cancelled with all funding cut, leaving only enough money for the three leads and Clark Gregg to come back to the states. The crew for the most part will have to live in the Himalayas until they can get more funding

Liam Neeson asks how the movie even got cancelled, and Clark Gregg looks at them awkwardly, and decides to explain. There never was a drama he was shooting; this was all an elaborate plot to get the two of them to shoot action movies with ridiculous premises. The reason they came to the Himalayas was because he made a giant yeti animatronic for them to fight while also brainwashing Jackie Chan to fight them, and he was gonna direct Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Abominable Snowman. Liam Neeson looks horrified but Clark Gregg assures him not to worry; he sent Jackie Chan home as soon he heard about the cancellation. Liam Neeson clarifies that he had no idea he was starring in garbage action movies, but Chuck Norris likes the idea. He asks why they’re getting cancelled anyway, and Clark Gregg answers that the first film apparently bombed at the domestic box office, so the studio has decided not to move forward with sequels. Unfortunately, this means they’ve all got to go home.

As Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson clean up their shared trailer, they discuss the recent news that has upended their lives. Liam Neeson is still horribly offended about being lied to, but Chuck Norris explains that he was happy for this role, because it was gonna be his first ever high profile role in years. With his political beliefs, he doesn’t get hired much anymore, and Liam Neeson says he’s welcome to change them anytime soon. Chuck Norris asks Liam Neeson if he has any sadness over this movie being cancelled, and Liam Neeson honestly answers that at least now he’ll be able to take on better roles, although he does feel a little bad for the soon-to-be-stranded crew. Chuck Norris storms out in anger, as Liam Neeson continues to clean up.

Salma Hayek enters the trailer, saying she hasn’t talked to him recently since Loch Ness and she’s sorry for it. Liam Neeson asks her if she’s heard the news, and she has. She tells him that Chuck Norris looks up to him, believing Neeson to be the type of actor that Norris always aspired to be. Liam Neeson sighs and asks if she thinks they should save the movie. Salma Hayek shrugs, but says it might be worth a shot. She’d be happy to continue in her role, but she also has already booked a new job in L.A. Liam Neeson decides he will help Clark Gregg and Chuck Norris try to regain the greenlight of their film.

Cut to LAX, where a plane lands. In a very crowded taxi, Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson, Salma Hayek, and Clark Gregg all ride in the back. Liam Neeson asks Salma Hayek what her new job is, and she answers that she’s got a gig at Hourglass Pictures voice-acting for a new Alex Hirsch film. Liam Neeson has no clue who Alex Hirsch is, but Samuel L. Jackson is surprised, as he too is in that movie. Conveniently, Hourglass Pictures and Blankments Productions are right across the street from each other and actually share a few backlots, so the taxi stops at the corner of them and the five split ways, with Clark Gregg, Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson all heading to their meeting with Edward Nadny.

Intern Claire calls them in, staring at both Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson in a sort of disbelieving reverence. She tells the three of them that they don’t need to take this meeting if they don’t want to, intending it to be a warning. However, it completely goes over the heads of our heroes. Inside his office, Edward Nadny sits with his feet propped on his desk as he chews a giant cigar. Chuck Norris says it’s an honor to meet him, as Clark Gregg shakes Nadny’s hands, feeling a tad awkward. Liam Neeson half-heartedly also says hello to Nadny, but Nadny doesn’t particularly care. He asks why three cancelled celebrities are wasting his time, and Clark Gregg brings up some data points on why not to cancel their project; mainly, the worldwide numbers made them a moderate profit and with home video sales being what they are, a sequel could very well increase if given a more creative plotline.

Edward Nadny glares at Clark Gregg and says there’s a reason he’s a director and not a studio accountant. The whole hook of the Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson movies were meant to be that the actors were unaware of the plotline; basically Borat meets Taken. Since Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson are clearly here at the pitch, there is no reason to continue the franchise now that the hook is gone. Clark Gregg begs, and Chuck Norris joins in too, saying this is all he has. Liam Neeson also asks nicely, saying that there’s a lot of crew that were depending on production continuing, and a decent chunk of that crew is currently stranded in the Himalayas with no pay. Edward Nadny doesn’t care and tells Intern Claire to dismiss Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson. He has unfinished business with Clark Gregg.

Intern Claire escorts Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson out of the building, but whispers in Chuck Norris’s ear that they need to meet her in ten minutes at backlot #4. Chuck Norris looks at her in surprise but she has already gone back in. Meanwhile, in Edward Nadny’s office, Nadny asks Clark Gregg if he remembers the conditions in the contract he signed. Gregg nervously answers that he needs a refresher. Gregg promised Blankments Productions at least three successful Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson movies, but unfortunately, he failed to deliver even one that was financially successful. As per terms of his contract, Clark Gregg is now sentenced to life in director jail, a prison for directors who make massive box office bombs for the current major Hollywood studios.

Clark Gregg bows his head in sorrow, but Edward Nadny continues. Nowadays, he thinks prisons are too kind for these directors with clear creative failings, and instead, he likes giving them the death sentence. Clark Gregg looks up in horror and tells him to wait, but Edward Nadny has already picked up a shotgun. Gregg begins to run to the door but his head is blown open by the shotgun. Edward Nadny laughs maniacally, going to stand over the dead Clark Gregg, saying this is only the beginning for his revenge. He then goes over to his landline phone, saying it’s time to release the clock. Outside his office, Intern Claire listens to the door and realizes that Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson don’t have as much time as she thought.

Chuck Norris tells Liam Neeson about how the intern told him to meet them at backlot #4. Liam Neeson says he really just wanted to go home after that disappointment; after all, he’s been in Loch Ness and then the Himalayas for about a six month shoot now and he misses his family. Chuck Norris asks him about the stranded crew who miss their family too, and about Chuck Norris himself, who misses the steady paycheck. Liam Neeson comments that the former is much more sympathetic reasoning than the latter, but before they can argue further, they hear giant stomps headed their way. They look over and see…

A giant Sir Thymes (voiced by Jack McBrayer) heading their way. Sir Thymes yells at Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson, saying that they are trespassers and must be eradicated. Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson look at each other in sheer confusion and utter horror when Sir Thymes’s arms shoot out at them, pushing Liam Neeson into a wall. Chuck Norris’s eyes narrow as he realizes that a fight is about to happen. Yes… it’s time for a Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. Sir Thymes fight!!

Chuck Norris runs up the extended arm of Sir Thymes and roundhouse kicks him in the face! Sir Thymes staggers back, releasing Liam Neeson from his grasp but then roars in anger, swatting Chuck Norris off his shoulder! Liam Neeson’s eyes glare, angry at being humiliated by the giant clock! He runs towards Sir Thymes, grabs onto his clockhands at the front of his face/body, and swings to the top of his eye, kicking it straight in! However, Sir Thymes closes his eye at just the right moment, trapping Liam Neeson’s leg within the socket! Liam Neeson begins pounding the side of Sir Thymes, but it seems futile as Sir Thymes goes on his knees in pain at his eye, but still full of righteous fury! Where has Chuck Norris gone?? Out of nowhere, Chuck Norris drives in on a golf cart, using the kneeled Sir Thymes as a ramp! The golf cart goes up Sir Thymes’ back and jumps forward in the air! Chuck Norris jumps off the golf cart, and grabs Liam Neeson, pulling him forward to flip Sir Thymes and remove Liam Neeson from the eyesocket! Chuck Norris carries Liam Neeson to the golf cart, and then floors it once Liam Neeson is comfortably in the backseat! However, Sir Thymes is still alive!! He chases after the two of them when suddenly, out of nowhere, rapid gunfire is heard as Sir Thymes turns around! It’s Intern Claire, staring right at him, with a bazooka in one hand and a machine gun in the other! She shoots the machine gun straight in Sir Thymes’ eyes as he writhes in horror, opening his mouth! Chuck Norris turns around, and sees Intern Claire, who mouths “Backlot #4” to him! Chuck Norris drives off, happy for the clock being distracted! Sir Thymes roars as Intern Claire runs out of bullets in the machine gun! As the clock runs to the intern laughing evilly, Claire shoots the bazooka straight into his mouth! Sir Thymes’ eyes get watery as he explodes from the inside, raining clock parts everywhere! Intern Claire smiles but quickly discards the guns, throwing them into a nearby dumpster, where Clark Gregg’s body is rotting. Claire notably doesn’t notice it, instead focused on her mission, starting her her walk to backlot #4.

Meanwhile, at Hourglass Pictures, Samuel L. Jackson and Salma Hayek work in a recording booth, playing bunny lovers in the charming animated movie. Salma Hayek gives a lot of passion in her voice acting while Samuel L. Jackson is, well, giving a Samuel L. Jackson performance. Michelle Haywood (portrayed by Willem Dafoe in very obvious drag and a dumb blonde wig), head of the studio, comes in to check on the recording process and she compliments Alex Hirsch on his excellently mainstream idea of a bunny romance. Alex Hirsch is clearly sucking up to her, as Haywood mentions it’s a great thing she was able to convince Edward Nadny to not send him to directing jail. Salma Hayek hears this and looks confused: directing jail is a real thing? Before she gets a chance to ask though, Michelle Haywood offers the two of them tickets to that night’s premiere of Spark: A Hero’s Promise at the El Capitan. She says she’s an admirer of both their work and she wants the premiere to be as big an event as the film is sure to be. They both accept the invites, mainly because they too are huge fans of the Spark franchise.

Michelle Haywood leaves and Samuel L. Jackson asks his director if he’ll be at the premiere, and Alex Hirsch answers that he turned down tickets because he doesn’t want to run into Edward Nadny there. Salma Hayek asks what she meant by directing jail, and Alex Hirsch answers that directing jail is somewhere horrible that directors are sent after a box office bomb. Some of his best friends are there currently, namely Phil Lord and Christopher Miller, whose sci-fi comedy Marked Up Time famously bombed at the box office. Salma Hayek asks why he was almost sent there, and Hirsch mentions that an upcoming film by Blankments Productions, Shiverin’ Gulch, was intended to be directed by him until he had creative differences with Nadny for wanting to bring Lord/Miller on board for a rewrite. Hirsch quit the film and was thus almost sent to director jail until Haywood, a big fan of Hirsch’s other work, said she would gladly take him if he directed a cute family movie for him. Salma Hayek looks horrified but Samuel L. Jackson, in an attempt to be encouraging, tells his director not to worry: his bunny movie is indeed very cute. Alex Hirsch is not amused, and says they need to get back to work.

In Backlot #4, Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson wait for Intern Claire. Liam Neeson looks understandably a bit shellshocked. After all, he just got stuck in the eyesocket of a giant animated clock. Chuck Norris points out they did just fight the Loch Ness Monster a few weeks ago, but Liam Neeson says that was different. The Loch Ness Monster always seemed a tad bit off, and Clark Gregg had mentioned to them that that monster was in fact an animatronic later on. Sir Thymes felt real, despite his clearly cartoony animation, and when he exploded, the gears and guts that fell out of him also looked like cel-shaded animated. Chuck Norris doesn’t know how to answer that, but luckily for him, Intern Claire comes in, apologizing for being a bit late but Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson did take her golf cart. Chuck Norris apologizes for that, but Intern Claire doesn’t care, and says it’s an honor to meet them both. She grew up watching Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson action movies, and Liam Neeson asks her if she’s seen Schindler’s List or any of his dramatic work. Intern Claire asks if Taken counts and Liam Neeson sighs. Chuck Norris asks her to explain what’s going on, and Claire sighs, as the following flashback occurs:

At the Marked Up Time world premiere in March Y4, Mann’s Chinese Theatre is pretty packed. Phil Lord and Christopher Miller do an interview on the red carpet, mentioning that the parallel timeline elements used in the movie are in fact supported by recent hypotheses relating to the strange-feeling events of the three or four years. Inside, the theater is packed with excited moviegoers, but uniquely, none of the film’s stars or talent are there yet. Suddenly, the theater explodes and outside, on the red carpet, Lord and Miller both look up in horror and see Mann’s Chinese Theatre in flames. Headlines appear, saying “Lord/Miller’s Marked Up Time Victim to Gas Explosion - and Mixed Reviews”, “Marked Up Time Certified Box Office Bomb”, and “Is This The End of Lord/Miller’s Career?”. Nadny takes them into his office and sentences them to director jail as Intern Claire watches from the corner of his office. As soon as they’re sentenced, the Duffer Brothers enter, as Claire’s narration explains they are the wardens of director jail, taking on the role to get several bizarrely high profile jobs in Hollywood despite their only claim-to-fame being a slightly above-average TV show that somewhat coasts by on nostalgia. The Duffers drag Lord/Miller out kicking and screaming as Claire hears Nadny say on the phone that Operation RESTART has not been compromised. 

Later on, Claire searches through his files and discovers that there is a large manila folder labeled “Operation RESTART” and as she attempts to open it, an alarm sounds and she quickly jumps out the window to escape before Michelle Haywood appears a mere few seconds after the alarm sounds to put the file back and look around suspiciously. Jumping ahead to the beginning of the film, Edward Nadny hangs up on Clark Gregg and then tells Claire to leave the room. She does, but stands by the door, listening. Nadny then calls up Michelle Haywood, saying that once they get the final revenge on Chuck and Liam, they can initiate another restart. Chuck Norris asks in voice-over what’s a restart, and the flashback ends. Claire tells the two of them that she honestly doesn’t know what a restart is, and why both Nadny and Haywood want one, but she knows where it’s happening: that night at the Sp4rk premiere. Nadny and Haywood are going to blow up the El Capitan, this time with the moviegoers, cast and crew all inside, condemning them all to death. Haywood wants the final Spark movie to bomb in order to initiate the restart, but for the life of Claire, she cannot figure out how the two are connected.

Liam Neeson asks why Nadny wants them dead, and Intern Claire says she has no idea why he has beef with them. However, it’s clear that Nadny has zero interest in initiating the restart with the two of them alive, and ergo, she thinks that the only people that can stop the inside job on the Sp4rk premiere is Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson. Chuck Norris gets excited but Liam Neeson reminds Intern Claire that the two of them are cancelled. Nadny was right about that; even if cancelling the movie was always a part of his evil scheme, Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson both have really no credibility in current Hollywood. Intern Claire tells him they can’t give up, and Liam Neeson says he wasn’t planning on it. However, he was in Marked Up Time and he remembers working with Phil Lord and Christopher Miller. Liam Neeson says that if they all break out Lord and Miller and take them to the premiere to evacuate, perhaps people will believe them, since they’ve been mysteriously missing for the past two years. Chuck Norris doesn’t believe this to be necessary, and says that Chuck and Liam can easily fight Edward Nadny on their own. Intern Claire says that breaking them out actually might be the best idea, since, honestly, it took the three of them to stop Sir Thymes.

Liam Neeson asks where Sir Thymes even came from, and Intern Claire says that Nadny has two mysterious creatures at his beck and call, and although they beat Sir Thymes, she’s heard no one has trained hard enough to beat his other warrior. Liam Neeson says with confidence that with he, Chuck Norris, Intern Claire, Samuel L. Jackson, and Salma Hayek, they can easily break out Lord/Miller and defeat the other warrior. Intern Claire tells him that actually, she won’t be able to help with the breakout. She’s been talking with them too long already; she needs to return to her post as intern to keep an eye on Nadny. She doesn’t want him to be suspicious, but she’ll leave her phone with the two of them so they can call their friends for help, and she’ll meet them at the Sp4rk premiere that night. Chuck Norris nods as Intern Claire leaves. Liam Neeson grabs Claire’s phone and calls Samuel L. Jackson. As the phone rings, the audio transitions to... 

Edward Nadny picking up the phone. Michelle Haywood has called him and she says everything is going according to plan: Salma Hayek and Samuel L. Jackson will be at the Sp4rk premiere. Nadny laughs maniacally but then gets silent as his eyes narrow. He tells Haywood that he’ll call her back; he needs to murder someone. He hangs up the phone and Intern Claire enters, apologizing for being late. Nadny says it’s fine, but he asks her if she thinks he’s an idiot. Intern Claire doesn’t know what he’s talking about, and Nadny mentions that he’s like a fox: always sly and wary of his surroundings. He knows Claire has listened to his meetings outside the door for years now and she is the one who looked at the RESTART file shortly after the premiere of Marked Up Time. Claire, still obfuscating ignorance, says that if all that were true, why would he mention it now. Nadny says that simply put, Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson are nearby now, and they have defeated his second greatest warrior with the help of a mysterious woman nearby. He won’t let that happen again as he draws a knife from his belt. Claire quickly tries to escape but sees the doors have locked and the windows have been covered with metal barrings. She draws her own knife from her boot: yes, it’s time for an Edward Nadny vs. Intern Claire fight!

Edward Nadny lungs for her with his knife, but Claire ducks out of his way! Edward Nadny smiles and saying he’s ready for a fight! He presses a button on the side of his desk as “Gold Digger” by Kanye West ft. Jamie Foxx begins blaring around his office! Edward Nadny pulls out a broadsword and tosses Claire his knife, saying he’s ready for a challenge! With her dual wielding daggers, Claire executes a tornado spin towards Nadny, pulling her arms and legs in order to prevent vulnerability! She tears a cut into Nadny’s cheek but Nadny won’t have any of it! He quickly tears his broadsword through Claire’s torso, chopping her in half! He mentions off-hand that he wanted a challenge, but not any actual damage, and that was Claire’s mistake! Claire shudders with her top half, but attempts to throw the knives at Nadny’s face! Nadny easily dodges them and laughs! Claire spits in his face and says her last words: strike her down, sure, but he will never defeat Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson! Nadny frowns as he shuts off the music and kicks her dead head in! He then goes to his phone and decides, sadistically, to call Claire’s phone, expecting to hear a ring coming out of her corpse. He doesn’t, which makes him smile more.

At backlot #4, Alex Hirsch drives up in his golf cart. Samuel L. Jackson asked if they could have a ride to meet their friends here, and when Salma Hayek mentioned it was Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson, he agreed on the condition he could get to meet the two stars.The three enter the backlot and see Chuck Norris staring at Liam Neeson on the phone. On the other end, he hears Edward Nadny sneering that Claire is dead, and soon Chuck and Liam will join them. Chuck Norris tells Liam Neeson to taunt Nadny but Neeson just hangs up. Hirsch, not realizing the gravity of the situation, asks why no badass speech. Liam Neeson quickly explains what has happened and the plan to break Lord/Miller out of director jail and stop the attack at the Sp4rk premiere; he also shows a picture of Claire on the phone to everyone to point out that this woman has died helping them, and they can’t let her death be in vain. Samuel L. Jackson proposes an idea: why don’t they send Hirsch to meet with Nadny, and thus, get him sent to director jail, allowing them a man on the inside to let them easily get past the Duffer Brothers, and thus avoiding a fight. Hirsch feels extremely nervous about it, but then Chuck Norris puts his hand on his shoulder and tells Alex Hirsch that this would make him their hero. Alex Hirsch agrees to the plan, feeling incredibly honored by the action star.

At Nadny’s office, Alex Hirsch walks in, and immediately demands control of Shiverin’ Gulch. He doesn’t care who is directing it now; he knows it was his original idea and will go to jail for it. However, Hirsch quickly sees the rotting corpse of Claire and his jaw drops as Nadny sits behind his desk with a smile, cleaning off his broadsword. Nadny says it’s a real honor to hear a director with convictions these days, but unfortunately, he doesn’t use director jail anymore! Nadny throws the broadsword at Hirsch’s face, but he ducks as the sword lodges itself in the still open door behind him! Nadny tsks and pulls out a pistol instead, pressing a button that forces the metal bars and door behind him to start closing! Nadny shoots as Hirsch narrowly escapes, and runs to his car, parked in front of the office! Alex Hirsch then calls Liam Neeson and apologizes to him and Chuck Norris, saying he can’t be a hero; he’s out of the plan. Meanwhile, inside the office, Nadny smirks, having got enough amusement out of Hirsch’s face. He then calls Haywood and says he has a little clean-up for her to do.

 

In Backlot #4, Liam Neeson paces, trying to think up a new plan. Salma Hayek asks him why he’s even doing this; he didn’t even want the film re-greenlit in the first place. Liam Neeson answers that there’s something big going on here, and moreover, he says that if they don’t stop the bomb at the premiere, that’s gonna put into effect the restart, which - although he doesn’t know what it is - sounds cataclysmic. Samuel L. Jackson also points out that if Liam Neeson saves the day, that would almost certainly revive his career. Chuck Norris says that he doesn’t believe Liam Neeson would be like that, and besides, the plan is that Lord/ Miller would save the day, not Chuck Norris or Liam Neeson. Neeson nods half-heartedly and then tells them his new plan… The audience doesn’t hear it though, instead seeing it play out successfully.

The four of them pull up in an armored truck to director jail, which is conveniently labeled with a large sign saying “Secret Director Jail” on Hollywood Boulevard. The director jail is a two-story building, with a large holding bin on the top floor and the bottom floor being basically a lobby with a large barred entrance to the upstairs holding area. Salma Hayek and Samuel L. Jackson leave the car first, entering the building seeing Matt and Ross Duffer stand in front of a largely barred door. Matt asks them what they’re doing there, and Salma Hayek says they need to open to that door for them. Ross says they have no plans on doing so, and Samuel L. Jackson smiles. It’s time for a tag-team fight: Salma Hayek and Samuel L. Jackson vs. the Duffer Brothers!!

But wait, before we do that fight, let’s check in with Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson. With the Duffers conveniently distracted, Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson exit the car, with Chuck Norris holding a grapple gun. He shoots a grapple onto the side of an upperstory window, and with Liam Neeson holding on tightly, they rappel to the barred window. Liam Neeson then grabs onto the ledge outside the window, telling Chuck Norris to do his thing. Chuck Norris begins to swing a couple of times, kicking off the side of the building until he builds up enough momentum to roundhouse kick the window in! Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson then enter the top floor, seeing a variety of people wearing prison jumpsuits while shooting movies with their cameras.

 

Downstairs, the fight has begun! Salma Hayek grabs Matt Duffer by the armpit and flips him over! Ross Duffer reaches for a club he has in his pocket, and smacks Samuel L. Jackson on the head with it! Samuel L. Jackson takes it like a champ, but Matt Duffer lands on him, thanks to Salma Hayek! Salma Hayek apologizes profusely, but in her distraction, Ross Duffer hits her in the stomach with his club! Salma Hayek recovers and decides to lead Ross Duffer outside for an easier fight! Meanwhile, Samuel L. Jackson rolls out from under Matt Duffer, but Matt has drawn a pistol! Samuel L. Jackson remarks that this is cheating, when Matt attempts to shoot him! Luckily, Samuel L. Jackson is able to kick him in the stomach beforehand, forcing Matt to drop the gun! The gun shoots anyway, accidentally hitting the release button for the jail!

Woody Allen (portrayed by Christoph Waltz) approaches Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson, saying he’s always wanted to work with Liam Neeson again after his 1992 film, Husbands and Wives, but Chuck Norris reacts instantly, roundhouse kicking Woody Allen out of the window. Chuck Norris proudly declares to the directors nearby that there will be no sex freaks in this movie! Phil Lord and Christopher Miller applaud, revealing themselves to Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson and saying that was an excellent move. Chuck Norris asks who the hell they are and Liam Neeson smiles, recognizing them from his previous collaborations. However, the alarm sounds and the door opens to downstairs!

Meanwhile, Ross Duffer isn’t particularly smart and follows Salma Hayek to near the armored truck! Ross Duffer reaches for his club again, but then hears screaming above him! Ross Duffer and Salma Hayek both look up and see Woody Allen falling from the second story screaming! Salma Hayek smiles, quickly catapulting herself up on the armored truck, and then jumping to curbstomp Woody Allen’s falling body into Ross Duffer, instantly killing the two of them! Salma Hayek runs inside and sees the bullet hit the release button! The door opens and an avalanche of directors starts pouring out! Upstairs, Chuck Norris quickly grabs the three of them and uses his grapple gun to safely carry the three of them to hold onto the ceiling! This saves them from being trampled to death! Downstairs, Salma Hayek quickly grabs Samuel L. Jackson and returns to the safety of the truck, as Matt Duffer looks behind him, being trampled alive by the suddenly free directors! The plan has succeeded!!

Chuck Norris lowers the four of them back to the floor, and they all leave the abandoned building to meet up in the armored car. Phil Lord asks for some food since they’ve only been given gruel and Samuel L. Jackson gives them both some Snickers he’s had in his pocket the whole time. Christopher Miller loves it as Salma Hayek asks Chuck Norris if he’s told them their plan. Chuck Norris has forgotten what the plan was and Liam Neeson facepalms. He explains to Lord/Miller what’s going on: everyone has always thought Secret Director Jail was a joke on Hollywood, a sort of architectural modern art. They need the two of them to reveal at the Spark 4 premiere that it’s real and that Nadny and Haywood, who should be in attendance at this premiere, caused the gas explosion at the Marked Up Time premiere. Then presumably, the crowd will totally evacuate before the explosion at Sp4rk goes off and thus, the box office for the film will be saved and thus no restart will occur - whatever that is. Christopher Miller is confused - they came out with a Spark 4? Whatever happened to trilogies? Phil Lord explains that inside director jail, there’s no contact with the outside world, and as such, they had no idea that a Spark 4 was even made, having only seen the trailer for Spark: Beyond the Sky. Salma Hayek bangs the dashboard of the truck, asking them if they’ll go along with the plan or not.

Lord/Miller look at each other and awkwardly thank the four of them for breaking them out safely. However, they’ve been in jail for around two years, and they really just wanna go see their families and maybe get some revenge on Nadny for putting them in there in the first place. Samuel L. Jackson snorts and says he should’ve known these directors would be lame, but Liam Neeson looks at them with sorrow. He recognizes his old collaborators as fundamentally decent people and lets them go. They thank him as they leave the truck and Chuck Norris asks what they’ll do now. Liam Neeson looks at him says “it’s our turn to be the heroes.” They’re gonna have to do this on their own, or else the restart will happen, ending the world as they know it - or something else bad, it’s still pretty vague to them. Salma Hayek says that she and Samuel L. Jackson both have passes to the Sp4rk premiere; they can easily attend with no one having an issue they’re there. Chuck Norris asks about them, and Samuel L. Jackson asks if they’ve ever seen the Spark movies. Liam Neeson says that frankly, he’s never been interested in them and Samuel L. Jackson says that the Duffer Brothers directed the first film, and as such, if Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson disguise themselves as the Duffer Brothers and take their tickets from their corpses, they can easily attend the premiere too. Samuel L. Jackson and Salma Hayek quickly use makeup on our two leads to give them the facial hair of the Duffer Brothers, and the disguise seems sound enough. It’s off to the premiere!

At the premiere, Salma Hayek and Samuel L. Jackson walk the red carpet without being stopped. However, Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson are quickly interviewed by some people, as they look just like three-time Academy Award nominees the Duffer Brothers. Liam Neeson nods at Salma Hayek and Samuel L. Jackson, essentially signaling to go on ahead. The lobby of the El Capitan has been transformed into a gorgeous ballroom, as there’s a dance before the premiere. Samuel L. Jackson muses that film premieres aren’t as simple as they’ve used to be when Salma Hayek notices someone; Academy Award winner Olivia Cooke. Samuel L. Jackson says of course she’s gonna be here, she’s the second billed actor in the movie, but Salma Hayek points out who she’s dancing with. Samuel L. Jackson’s eyes widen as it’s revealed it’s Intern Claire. The two of them begin to kiss as Salma Hayek realizes something. Claire was dead, but now she’s not. She’s a zombie… her life was - “Restarted,” Michelle Haywood says, appearing behind Salma Hayek and Samuel L. Jackson.

Haywood pulls the two of them to the side with a surprising amount of brutal force. She says that since Claire was onto the restart, Nadny killed her and had Haywood use her powers to restart her life. After all, it’s a mere primer for what they’re doing later today. Haywood knew that Salma Hayek and Samuel L. Jackson would help Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson; she alludes to the four of them being allies in a previous life. Samuel L. Jackson tells Haywood to speak motherfucking English, and Michelle Haywood says something darkly in Latin. This freezes the two stars as Haywood’s mouth opens wide, revealing several sharp teeth. “Uptown Girl” by Billy Joel plays as Michelle Haywood bites the side of Samuel L. Jackson while shooting Salma Hayek straight in the heart with another gun! The two fall to the ground dead, as Haywood smiles and uses her hands in a form of demonic magic. The two rise up as restarts - essentially zombies - and ask Haywood what they want her to do. Haywood smiles widely with her disturbingly sharp teeth as Billy Joel fades out.

Back with Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson, they continue to bullshit answers about the Spark franchise when Edward Nadny comes in behind them. They get tense for a second, but it appears as though he doesn’t recognize them, referring to them as his good friends who he needs to give a project at the studio soon. Chuck Norris sighs in relief, saying they are indeed the Duffer Brothers. Nadny tells the reporters to go inside, he saw Olivia Cooke suddenly being available with her new girlfriend. The paparazzi run inside to see who the starlet could possibly be dating, and Liam Neeson tears off his fake facial hair, telling Nadny they know what he’s up to and are here to stop it. Chuck Norris asks Liam Neeson why he did that; their stealth is gone now. Nadny just laughs and says that they truly are predictable. He knew Liam Neeson had too much ego to stop their plan without taking credit for it, but he wanted to test him anyway, and maybe, just maybe, with stealth they would’ve beat the sheer Hollywood machine behind Nadny. Chuck Norris asks sincerely if that’s true, and Nadny smirks and says no as he quickly runs into the lobby of the El Capitan.

Liam Neeson catches up with him and grabs him by the neck but Nadny just starts laughing, saying he’s not gonna fight Liam Neeson. In fact, he wonders why Liam Neeson wonders why he’s unpopular; the paparazzi start taking photos of Liam Neeson, and one asks why he’s hurting an innocent man. Nadny puts his hands up sarcastically and says he’s ruined his own image in the public eye; of course he isn’t gonna give him and Chuck Norris sequels. However, he shouldn’t worry. After tonight, no one is getting sequels. Chuck Norris bursts in the room and roundhouse kicks Edward Nadny out of Liam Neeson’s grip. Nadny coughs but smiles saying he’s not who they need to fight.

Michelle Haywood enters with Olivia Cooke and Intern Claire behind her. Claire smiles a bloody smile as she kisses Olivia Cooke on the cheek and says she has some business to take care of. She helps Edward Nadny up as Nadny thanks his intern and tells her to go after Chuck and Liam. She draws from her back pocket the very broadsword used to kill her. Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson look in horror; they know she must be brainwashed. Nadny laughs, saying brainwashing is something mere directors do; Clark Gregg brainwashed Samuel L. Jackson to defend the Loch Ness Monster, and that changed nothing, Samuel L. Jackson was easily redeemable. Instead, Nadny kills his enemies and “restarts” them, making them obey his bidding. Samuel L. Jackson and Salma Hayek then appear behind Olivia Cooke, who begins freaking out over them, being pleasantly surprised they came. They ignore her though, making her feel left out. Instead, Samuel L. Jackson and Salma Hayek flank Intern Claire as Nadny says it’s time for a battle for the death. As the paparazzi approach Olivia Cooke for an interview and Michelle Haywood quickly uses her demonic powers to make all the bystanders forget the drama that just unfolded, it’s time for a Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. Samuel L. Jackson, Salma Hayek and Intern Claire fight!

Chuck Norris begins with his go-to, a roundhouse kick to Salma Hayek’s face! Salma Hayek falls over, as Chuck Norris apologizes to her, not wanting to seriously hurt someone he still believes to be merely brainwashed! Salma Hayek takes his hand to help herself up, but then flips Chuck Norris to the ground! Samuel L. Jackson begins to kick in Chuck Norris’s face as Norris screams in utter horror! Meanwhile, Liam Neeson has grabbed a nearby decorative sword hanging on the wall of the El Capitan! He parries with Intern Claire, but is clearly holding back! Intern Claire quickly disarms him, and puts her sword to his chin! Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson have been easily defeated, thanks to their inability to put their personal love for their friends aside to not recognize the three opponents as totally wiped restarts!

Although Nadny declared a battle to the death, he calls it off quickly, saying to the three restarts that he wants to finish Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson, personally. Intern Claire forces both Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson at swordpoint to go downstairs where Nadny quickly ties them up. On his walkie he tells Haywood to stay up there and make sure the premiere goes on as is. Once he kills Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson, they go ahead with the restart. Chuck Norris asks him what the restart really is, and Liam Neeson annoyedly explains that it’s the zombie thing with their friends. Nadny laughs and says if it were that simple, he’d have no reason to want to do it. Nadny holds guns to both of our heroes heads as he says he will only get satisfaction out of killing Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson if they totally understand what’s going on. The following is shown through montage in a flashback: the explanation to Nadny’s crimes…

Edward Nadny wasn’t always Edward Nadny. In fact, there was another Edward Nadny in this world. But he’s getting ahead of himself. Way back when, in a timeline that he can only refer to as 2.0, he was a successful actor named Jamie Foxx. For a long amount of reasons that basically amounts to an embarrassment, Jamie Foxx vowed revenge on Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson along with all their friends. Eventually, he discovered a way to do so, by making a deal with the devil to open a rift gate and give him control of all the intellectual property in films, that he could use as a personal army. Nadny says he’s basically truncating a lot of this, so he understands why it doesn’t make sense, but long story short, Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson were somehow to stop him, probably due to him making the mistake of throwing his greatest ally, Satan, into the Lake of Fire. Right before Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson were about to defeat him though, he escaped with the help of his two greatest soldiers, Sir Thymes and Thomas the Tank Engine. He went to the Lake of Fire and found a way to take Satan out of it. At first, Satan refused to forgive Jamie Foxx, but Jamie Foxx had an idea. If they used the rift gate in a certain other way, they could rewrite reality, allowing both of them to become movie executives. The real power in 2.0 belonged to the movie executives, who Foxx theorized could control the reality of the world. Satan agreed and the two of them returned to the overworld which had been decimated by the war between Foxx and Norris and Neeson’s forces. Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson saw him and attempted to follow Satan, Jamie Foxx and the two warriors into the rift gate, but Jamie Foxx and Satan combined their powers to close the gate behind them with a contract labeled and sealed with ink from the Book of Life, a manilla folder labeled “Operation RESTART.”

This kicked off 3.0 where Jamie Foxx began his career anew, quickly winning an Oscar in his first year for White Hurricane. However, as he had said to Satan, his plan was for the film executives. He quickly took on the role as Edward Nadny full time, using Satan’s help (who had become Michelle Haywood, president of one of the biggest film companies in the world) to make a replacement Jamie Foxx and allow him to become president of Blankments Productions. However, Edward Nadny, as he was now known, was not a particularly creative man, not even with an oracle called EGK giving him advice on new projects. For the most part, Blankments Productions simply released movies Nadny remembered from his old timeline, and for the most part, they were successful, even winning Best Picture one year. Haywood too did this, but would revise them more: in particular, the Spark franchise was her pride and joy.

Nadny realized something though; the two of them were running out of movies to import from their own timeline, which would end their profit margins and powers of titans of modern cinema. Around the same time, Clark Gregg came to pitch Nadny the idea of his Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson franchise, and Nadny instantly greenlit, seeing the perfect opportunity to get revenge on his old enemies; “restarted” versions of his enemies, but enemies nonetheless. However, somehow, after a meeting with directors Phil Lord and Christopher Miller, the two of them had read part of the Operation RESTART file, and incorporated the timeline theory into the script for Marked Up Time. This caused Nadny to end their careers and realize that sooner or later, he and Haywood need to initiate another restart to the timeline, ending 3.0 and starting timeline 4.0. Nadny remarks that every timeline is a bit more cataclysmic than the last; the restart contract inherently causes this with Haywood’s demonic origins. The big difference between 2.0 and 3.0 were two things: the election of Supreme Leader Donald Trump and the existence of the Jonny Jonny movies. If Sp4rk bombs at the box office, that would prove the collapse of Hollywood and thus trigger another restart for another go-around of Spark films and ergo, the entire industry and thus, world’s timeline.

The flashback ends with Nadny still holding the guns to Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson’s heads as he desparagedly calls them 3.0s. Chuck Norris is completely lost in the explanation, and doesn’t get it at all. Liam Neeson asks what 1.0 was then, and Nadny shrugs, saying as far as he knows Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson didn’t exist back then; their paths must’ve never crossed. It’s ancient history, much like 2.0 and soon to be 3.0. All he needs to do is shoot Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson and that’ll be it.

However, meanwhile, at Blankments Productions, Alex Hirsch pulls up to Nadny’s office in his car. In the back sit Phil Lord and Christopher Miller. Alex Hirsch says if they’re ready for this, and the two of them, holding flamethrowers with glee say yes. They break into the building, and quickly begin torching everything. This is their revenge, as they laugh with pure joy at ending Edward Nadny’s essential home. Hirsch knew Nadny would be at the Sp4rk premiere, and that is why he skipped attending it. Nadny has terrorized them for years and this is their gleeful cartharsis. However, Alex Hirsch makes one crucial mistake. His flamethrower touches the Operation RESTART contract, burning it. Immediately a blue skybeam appears throughout the whole office, disintegrating the three directors instantly. Moreover, the world around them begins to fall apart as a massive earthquake begins to tear the world apart.

Just as Nadny is about to pull the trigger on Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson, Michelle Haywood bursts into the basement. Nadny turns around in shock and asks why, and Haywood explains. The contract that allowed the 3.0 restart has been burned, meaning that a rift gate has opened up at the studio headquarters. If they don’t blow up the theater soon, the power to restart the world will be totally gone. Nadny screams in anger, turning around, and immediately shoots Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson in the head… but, it’s not them. Somehow, the bodies have been replaced with the corpses of the Duffer Brothers. Nadny looks in shock and asks how, and the film flashes back to a minute prior, when Haywood bursts in the basement. When Nadny turns around to speak to her, through a nearby window a rope appears. Chuck Norris notices it, and immediately sneaks over to it to climb out. Liam Neeson gestures at him not to do something so stupid, but since Nadny is so angry and distracted, he goes to the door when suddenly the corpses of the Duffer Brothers fall on him. He grabs them so they don’t hit the ground loudly and quickly puts them in their place. He then climbs the rope to get outside the theater.

Clark Gregg is standing there. He has been restarted as well, but weirdly, he can remember everything. He says he woke up in a dumpster an hour ago and somehow the thought to come here. He found their armored car and discovered the Duffer Brothers corpses in the back, since he had a spare key after all.He entered the premiere and saw Nadny take the two of them to the basement, which allowed him to quickly come up with a plan. Chuck Norris quickly fills in Clark Gregg on everything, to Liam Neeson’s shellshocked amazement. Clark Gregg nods and says it seems like Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson have one more job to do. He’ll wait in the getaway car though; tonight has been stressful enough.

Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson rush inside the theater and take the stage as Jennifer Yuh, Sasha Lane and Olivia Cooke introduce the film. Liam Neeson quickly grabs the mic and says a bomb is about to go off in the theater, everyone must evacuate. The audience murmurs among themselves as Jennifer Yuh looks panicked. Sasha Lane says there’s no way this is real, but Olivia Cooke recognizes the two of them from earlier that night. She says that they’re telling the truth and everyone must evacuate. Everyone leaves the theater in a panic; notably including Samuel L. Jackson, Salma Hayek, and Intern Claire, who seem in a total trance.

Nadny makes his way through the back entrance of the theater to set off the bomb early, but then looks out and sees the theater totally empty: except for, of course, Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson standing on stage. Nadny screeches in anger and Chuck Norris tells him it’s time to give up. Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson are once again triumphant. Nadny’s eye starts twitching as he says he still has one card up his sleeve. Chuck Norris has no idea what he’s talking about but then Liam Neeson’s eyes widen. He remembers Intern Claire mentioning Sir Thymes was the weaker of the two warriors that Nadny had at his disposal. He tries to remember who Nadny mentioned in his longass monologue in the basement. He then remembers as he says “Thomas…”

Thomas the Tank Engine bursts in behind them as Linkin Park blares in a massive (yet still semi-contained) explosion! Thomas (whose facial capture and voice is provided by Nicolas Cage) asks everyone if they’ve missed him and Chuck Norris finally has had enough. He doesn’t understand any of this bullshit, whatever 2.0 is, and why there’s a giant fucking train about to try to kill them. Nadny tells him he simply hasn’t been paying attention but Liam Neeson shakes his head no. For once, he agrees with Chuck Norris for simply not getting what’s going on. However, there’s no time for explanation: it’s time for a long-awaited battle (for those of you have been playing this game since at least summer 2014): Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. Thomas the Mothertanking Tank Engine!!!!!

Thomas toots his horn, smoke immediately disintegrating the roof of the El Capitan, as he flies straight towards Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson! The two of them immediately dive under him, grabbing onto the railing near his wheels! He squeals at them, telling them it’s time to get the fuck off! Chuck Norris swings on the railing to get the top of Thomas! He then attempts to help Chuck Norris up on top, but Thomas immediately flips over, making Chuck Norris fall horribly to the ground! Liam Neeson is still holding on for dear life, but realizes that the only way that they will stop Thomas is by working together! He manages to get his foot stuck in the railing in such a way that he’s firmly lodged there, and as Thomas flies around to try to finish Chuck Norris once and for all, Liam Neeson bites the rail! Thomas screams again in pain as Liam Neeson is able to grab Chuck Norris, hoisting him back onto Thomas! Chuck Norris holds onto Liam Neeson, and says he’s ready to fight, together!

Liam Neeson nods, and then pushes his foot into Thomas even more! The railing moves fast enough now to chop off his foot at the ankle even more! However, this also removes the railing from Thomas’s side, which Liam Neeson quickly grabs through his intense pain to use as a weapon! Liam Neeson is now missing a foot, and clinging onto Chuck Norris, screams as Chuck Norris once again catapults himself to the top of Thomas! Thomas again tries to flip them off, but Liam Neeson uses the rail to plunge it into Thomas’s side, essentially planting them to his body! Chuck Norris then grabs the railing, and tells Liam Neeson to grab onto Chuck Norris’s own leg! Liam Neeson, feeling faint from the loss of blood, does so! Chuck Norris then pole vaults using the railing to get right in front of Thomas! He then roundhouse kicks him in the face with the leg Liam Neeson is holding onto! Liam Neeson lets go and unleashes fists of pure fury into Thomas’s face, as Thomas completely begins to feel overpowered by the sheer force hitting him! Thomas crashes into the ground, sideways, unconscious! Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson have won!

However, Nadny just stands there laughing as Haywood enters in. The action stars are too late; it doesn’t matter that the audience is gone. All that matters is if Liam Neeson dies at the Sp4rk premiere, no one will want to see this movie, and the restart will happen! He’s won! Chuck Norris stares at Liam Neeson in horror. He is unconscious and clearly bled out. Chuck Norris stares out with tears in eyes as Nadny laughs with glee, telling him not to worry, he can rescue Liam Neeson from the Underworld if he really wants to! Chuck Norris tells him to stop acting so fucking horrible but suddenly he and Liam Neeson are thrown out of the room. Nadny looks confused, as Haywood walks to him while muttering something in Latin. Outside the theater, Liam Neeson suddenly coughs up blood as his leg grows back. Chuck Norris looks wholly confused as Samuel L. Jackson, Selma Hayek and Intern Claire run to the two of them from the corner and helps them up. Olivia Cooke also comes to help, but just because she thinks they need one more person. Clark Gregg pulls up in the armored truck as the six of them get in and Salma Hayek says he needs to punch it. The truck quickly drives off.

Nadny asks Haywood what’s going on, and Haywood explains that she never really liked the idea of the restart. She’s proud of what she’s done with the Spark series and she doesn’t think it needs to be fixed. She tells Nadny he needs start getting ideas or get out. Nadny nervously says the bomb is going to go off soon anyway; with Liam Neeson dead, she’s too late. Haywood shakes her head. He’s a fucking idiot, she says. After all, she’s literally Satan. She restarted his life, and returned the memories to everyone she’s restarted today. Nadny says that if she’s Satan, she should be on his side of evil. Haywood shrugs and says 3.0 gave her a second chance on life. If Nadny hadn’t been so desperate for 3.0, she would’ve been left burning in the Lake of Fire. However, the contract they had is clear: if the contract was burned, 2.0 would collide with 3.0, creating 4.0. Nadny wonders to himself why he didn’t just burn the contract in the first place, and Haywood admits this is why people really should double check demonic contracts. The restart will occur, and Haywood does not want that at all anymore. However, 4.0 is inevitable… unless of course… Nadny dies. Nadny begs her not to kill him, reminding her once again he saved her from eternal burning. Haywood smiles and says she didn’t forget who put her in the Lake of Fire in the first place. Nadny’s begging turns to an angry horror as the bombs begin to go off, destroying the El Capitan and presumably everyone in it.

The next day, the top story of the day on the news is the explosion at the Sp4rk premiere. Miraculously, due to a quick evacuation by Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson, no one’s lives were lost in the fire. Michelle Haywood, who seems to have shockingly survived, gives a press conference on the news, thanking Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson personally for protecting everyone’s safety at the premiere. Liam Neeson looks at her suspiciously but she gives him a wink as she introduces to everyone to Edward Nadny, who’d like to announce a new venture. Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson get ready for a fight but in walks someone who looks totally different. He claims himself to be the real Edward Nadny (portrayed by Bill Hader), and as Haywood speaks Latin, everyone except for Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson recognize him as such. Haywood whispers in Liam Neeson’s ear that she’s keeping it this way so that way the two know they aren’t insane.

Liam Neeson thanks her and then tells the reporters it wasn’t just Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson who saved the day. Their director Clark Gregg, their co-star Salma Hayek, their dear friends Samuel L. Jackson and Claire, and Claire’s new girlfriend, Olivia Cooke, all helped with the process of evacuation. The new Nadny says that his first order of business after this horrible day would be to restart production on the Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson sequel being shot in the Himalayas. Haywood ends the press conference saying that with new ventures at Blankments Productions, Hourglass Pictures, and the other various studios in Hollywood, there’s still hope for originality and less recycling of old ideas. After all, she adds cryptically, they’ve all practically run out of things to recycle.

In the Himalayas, production on Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Abominable Snowman is finally underway. Well, that’s only partially true. The “sequel” is now going to be titled Empty Plans, and it’s intended to be the drama Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson meant to sign onto in the first place. Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson sit in their trailer, running lines again, happy with how everything has turned out. It seems as though this is the end of the line for our heroes, achieving their long awaited happy ending!

But then.

There’s a knock at the door. Liam Neeson goes to answer it and suddenly, two people just burst in the trailer. It’s… Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson? Chuck Norris screams in horror and Liam Neeson asks if they’re their stunt doubles. After all, this is a drama, they don’t need any stunt doubles. The new Chuck Norris quickly explains… he’s from the 2.0 timeline. The new Liam Neeson smiles and says with their help, they can finally save the 2.0 world. Our Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson stare at each other in confusion, but then smile widely. Cut to credits.

TO BE CONTINUED IN…
CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. 2.0

 

Alternative Google Docs Plot Summary: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tkksRKx1DY7e_UVkTI39hZi45vL9wzuJtB2i4wQ8GL8/edit?usp=sharing

Edited September 24, 2019 by Blankments

[cookie]

NVM wrong thread

Edited September 26, 2019 by cookie