Ruk's Worst-to-Best Film List of 2019 (Counting down the Top 10!) (Finally))

[rukaio101]

So 2019 sure did suck, huh?

 

Honestly, I end up making this joke basically every year, but it never ceases to not be true. The latter half of the 2010's have been roooough. Fortunately, I'm sure that the 2020's will push us back on the right. After all, it's been three weeks and we've only had what, only one near war break out? And a global pandemic? Plus a significant portion of Australia is on fire. Always a positive sign to start a decade off on.

 

This is fine. Everything about this is fine.

 

But I'm not here to talk about the very real climate catastrophe that threatens our world and way of living. I'm here to talk about something much more important! Movies! And it's been an interesting year, if I'm honest, following a lot of interesting trends I've noticed in the 2010's. Superhero movies naturally continue to go from dizzying heights to dizzying heights (although don't worry guys, I'm sure superhero fatigue will set in aaaaaany second now), Horror put in yet another strong showing, Disney continued to wrap their cold clammy hands around the neck of the entertainment industry, there were a billion Hollywood reboots, remakes and sequels of old properties and... basically every single non-Disney one flopped horrendously. Really, it was not a good year for non-Superhero/Disney blockbusters, if I'm honest. Which is probably a good thing, in hindsight?It'd be nice to see more a migration back to some good mid-sized movies like John Wick or Knives Out.

 

Also everyone continued to bitch and moan about Star Wars but really, that's nothing new.

 

Also, I watched a lot of movies this year. As usual. Heck, I even broke last year's record of 88, with a very impressive 90 movies this year (although that's obviously including some direct-to-dvd/stream stuff). And was there a a lot of obscure foreign animation in there that will inevitably dominate my Top 10? Buddy, you'd believe it. I saw a lot of animated movies this year. 31 in fact, which is just over a third of my entire list. Not all of it was good, mind, but there were some real missed gems in the mixture. And, in what is a Ruk list first, I actually have a draw for both first place and last place in this list! Yeah, in both cases I legitimately could not pull either film apart, for good reasons or for bad.

 

But enough nattering, it's time to get on with the list. And, as usual, we're starting off right at the very bottom. Although for once, I don't really mind all that much. After all, it's hard not to be enthralled by the majesty that was...

 

 

Edited February 24, 2020 by rukaio101

[rukaio101]

90. (tie) Cats

 

 

Well, it’s always nice to start this year’s list off on a low note. Or on a high note, from a certain point of view. I’m certainly anyone who’s been paying any attention to the discourse surrounding this film is not at all surprised to see it at the very bottom of my list. Hell, from the moment that the very first trailer was released, it was clear that this movie was on direct track to being a disaster. The only real question was how much of one it would be. However, what I’m about to say next may be a bit more of a surprise to you.

 

I absolutely loved this movie. 

 

No seriously, this movie was amazing and wonderful and exactly the right kind of terrible godawful movie I needed right now. In a Christmas season packed with toxic arguments and bickering about Star Wars, Cats emerged like a beautiful pure butterfly in the mist, uniting all sides in perfect harmony to say ‘Wait, they did what to Idris Elba?!” The horrifying CGI, the miscast actors, the weird unintentional horniness of it all, the cat-human abominations, Judi Dench’s wedding ring, it all practically hit the perfect spot on the ‘So Bad it’s Good’ curve, to tickle me just right. It even had a nice long boring portion in the middle just so no-one would be tempted to genuinely defend it as unironically good.

 

Seriously, I would go so far as to say this is almost the perfect fun bad movie. The CG isn’t just bad, it consistently works to remain bad all throughout. Every time you think you’ve gotten used to it, someone tilts their head in just the wrong way or an animator gets sloppy with a background cat or Idris Elba appears and you’re thrown straight back into the uncanny valley again. It feels like something more at home in Monster Factory than a huge Hollywood awards contender (hah!) from an Oscar Winning Director. And there’s also such an egotistical sincerity to this movie too, much like the Room or Birdemic, that makes it all the more amazing. You get the impression Tom Hooper genuinely thought all of this was a good idea and that he truly was making another Les Mis, only to be horrendously proven wrong by the final product. 

 

Now I will admit that the songs are fairly catchy but beyond that, this movie gets every single thing that it wants to do completely wrong. It’s horrifying when it wants to be beautiful, it’s hilarious when it wants to be intimidating, it’s goofy when it tries to be dramatic and it’s absolutely cringy when it tries to be funny (looking at you, Rebel Wilson and James Corden). The sole person who manages to escape this mess with anything retaining dignity is Sir Ian McKellen who seems to understand exactly what sort of film this was meant to be and acts appropriately. 

 

Everyone else though… Well, Judi Dench is dressed up like the Cowardly Lion from Wizard of Oz and gives a nightmare-inducing final song directly into the camera and/or your nightmares, Rebel Wilson's entire character revolves around being fat and unfunny, James Corden's entire character also revolves around being fat and unfunny, Ray Winston is... there for some reason, Francesca Heyward tries her best but clearly got the wrong director for her screen debut, Jennifer Hudson is clearly trying for an Oscar, ala Anne Hathaway in Les Mis, while completely unaware that she looks ridiculous, and oh, Idris Elba. Poor poor Idris Elba. *Shakes head sadly* How did you end up looking even more naked in an entire movie full of naked cats/people? 

 

Honestly though, I had a ball with this movie, even though I ended up ranking it last on this list. And I’m sure you’re wondering why I did that, since I’ve had no compunctions in the past of ranking terrible movies higher up if I personally enjoyed their specific brand of garbage (see last year’s Robin Hood for an example). Well, I did it for two distinct reasons. Firstly, I didn’t want to start off this list talking about a shitty foreign art film literally no-one has ever heard of and secondly because I feel it would be an absolute disservice to the magnificent disaster that is this movie to rank it anywhere but last. Cats is absolute garbage and I love it all the more for it.

 

 

Now I know what you're thinking. Ruk, Cats is an almost historic disaster! What movie could you possibly find that would tie with it in regards to terribleness? Well, boys and girls, let me introduce you to the other hilariously bad movie I saw this year...

[rukaio101]

90. (tie) Dilili in Paris

 

 

Okay, so I imagine most of you guys have absolutely no idea what this movie is, let alone what makes it so absolutely batshit insane that I consider it to be a masterwork of entertaining bad cinema on the same level as Cats. And I don’t blame you. I’d never really heard of this movie either, at least until I saw it on a list of films put in contention for this year’s Best Animated Oscar. So let me spell out exactly how my ‘discovery’ of this film came about, much in the way of how a crew of poor hapless fools might ‘discover’ the entrance to Cthulu’s hidden temple.

 

See, I happen to quite a big film fan. More than that, I’m a big animated film fan, especially foreign animation. And I don’t mean just anime, I mean animated films from all sorts of different countries. I’ve enjoyed Chinese animation, Russian animation, Indies and lesser-known animated movies, the lot. And, since I was in the midst of gathering movies for my End-of-Year list for 2019, I figured I might as well give it a shot. After all, I do tend to find some interesting lesser-known films on the Oscar shortlist (including several that will be appearing on this list) and this movie seemed interesting enough. It even had an English dub so I wouldn’t have to read subtitles. (Yes, I’m that kinda guy, shut up.)

 

Anyway, this is all basically my diplomatic way of saying I went into this movie completely blind. Fresh, or naive, if you will.

 

Because somehow, in all the research I did looking into this film, at all the reviews I skimmed trying to get an idea for this, somehow everyone failed to inform me that this movie was fucking insane. And I don’t mean in a ‘Whoa, this animation is wild and unhinged!’ sort of way. On the contrary, the animation is fairly flat and basic. However, it is this simple plain-looking demeanour that makes the actual content feel all the more absurd and hilariously bad. Like a creature wearing a slightly ill-fitting skinned human bodysuit over its flesh. It looks normal enough at a distance, but when you look closer, you realise ‘Oh wait, this is the craziest fucking thing I have ever seen and also it will probably eat my eyeballs if I let it.’

 

Seriously, this movie is incredible. It’s about the titular Dilili, a half-French half-Kanak girl, exploring Paris in the 1890’s and meeting historical figures/seeing historical sights while attempting to solve the mystery of the mass kidnapping of little girls by a group called the ‘Male Masters’. (And if you think that name is a little on the nose, trust me when I say that’s only the tip of an iceberg that will eventually become amazing in its bafflingness.) Because while that description sounds like something reasonably normal, it does nothing to actually demonstrate the sheer absurd way in which all that plot is executed.

 

To put it simply, Dilili in Paris is like a weird cross between a children’s film, an educational movie about Paris/various historical figures and also a feminist piece all rolled into one and then translated to the big screen by a space alien who understands precisely how none of these things actually work. It is a terrible terrible movie and I loved it so much. How much do I love it? I thought it was a better ‘So Bad its Good’ experience than Cats. And I fucking loved Cats. Cats was amazingly bad on every level. Yet this movie completely came out of the blue to surpass it, or at least tie with it. And the only way to truly explain how is to go into a very deep dive into the story, the likes of which few men ever truly return from.  But I'll put it in a spoiler box, so other people can get back to the list.

 

Spoiler

 

 

The movie starts with what at first glance appears to be Dilili living in a very stereotypical ‘native’ setting, complete with wooden huts, simple flute instruments and black people not wearing very many clothes. However, in one of the few interesting twists the movie has (or at least interesting on purpose), it’s revealed that this is actually all just a performance/human zoo set up in a park in 1890s Paris. This only emphasised when Orel, a young courier- who looks like he should be in a modern day boyband and has constantly pouty lips- attempts to ‘communicate’ with Dilili through broken English (or French, I assume in the French dub), only to find out that she speaks English perfectly. Take note of this, as it will be one of the few moments where this movie will actually make reference to racial issues in the 1890’s and, even more rarely, actually address a social issue with anything resembling basic competence.

 

Anyway, Orel wishes to meet with Dilili (using the very normal human wording of ‘I would like to learn more about you’) and she agrees to meet him once the performance is over and she can change into a very frilly white dress. It is at this meeting that we learn more about Dilili and that we also learn the writers of the movie (or more specifically whoever did the English translation for the dub) are incapable of writing a remotely normal conversation or dialogue that sounds like an actual human would say. Behold a word for word transcript of one portion of their conversation.

 

Quote

 

Orel: How are you ever able to learn my language so well?

Dilili: My school teacher was extremely good. Mrs Michelle. And then I had a wonderful encounter with *very strange pause* the Countess!

Orel: Who was she?

Dilili: She was the wife of an ambassador travelling back to Paris. On the same ship as us. It was this boat. I treasure this prospectus. A previous memory. The countess was attracted by the shouting *very strange pause* of the manager *second strange pause* as he discovered me.

 

 

 

 

This is not a conversation that normal people have. This is a conversation that aliens pretending to be normal people have. This is the sort of conversation you get by, I imagine, slamming the original French text into Google translate and going for it word by word. The delivery also does not help matters, as strangely bland and filled with odd pauses as it is. And sure, maybe this is just an issue with the English dub and it may be far superior in the original French, but trust me when I say there is a lot of weird stuff coming up in here that ‘translational difficulties’ cannot be the sole reason for. Also the animation is not great? It’s not terrible but it looks like it should be in a mid-tier indie game and is not very expressive. There is one moment where Orel (who constantly looks like he should be in a Twilight novel) offers Dilili chips and we get several seconds of her robotically eating chips one by one in a very repetitious movement.

 

Anyway, Dilili continues to explain her backstory and how she snuck aboard the aforementioned boat as a stowaway to be part of a travelling performance troupe and was eventually discovered and looked after by the aforementioned Countess. While she tells this story, she and Orel are less than subtly watched by a very creepy-looking man with a nose ring. Not long after, a Convenient Newspaper Salesman walks by shouting about how another young girl has been kidnapped by the ‘Male Masters’. Gosh, I wonder if that incredibly suspicious person who looks like the living manifestation of Stranger Danger might be involved?

Spoiler Alert: He is.

 

So back to the main plot, Dilili hears an explanation about this from Orel and decides very spontaneously to solve the mystery of Male Masters and free the kidnapped girls. She meets with Orel the next day and the two go sightseeing around Paris. It’s at this point that I had the revelation that this movie was very much taking on the tone of an educational video, what with all the mentions and explanations of famous historical figures and passing through many famous Paris sights. I even thought this might explain why the dialogue was so stilted and bizarrely delivered, as it was more designed to be easy to hear and understand by young children than anything else. This assumption would be hilariously abused about 10 minutes later, but I’ll get to that soon.

 

Anyway, Orel leaves Dilili on her own for a few minutes and the creepy nose ring guy makes an attempt to lure Dilili away in the creepiest, hammiest and most clearly suspicious way possible, pretending to fawn over her jump rope skills and ask her to jump into his arms so he can take her to a nearby toy stall (run by an equally creepy looking man) so he can buy her a toy. In fact, let me copy down his entire speech for you. Make sure to perform it in the most over-dramatically hammy way possible and you might get close to how it is portrayed in the movie.

Quote

Creepy Guy: Oh! My! Could it be you?! The skip-rope virtuoso herself! Oh, of course! I was admiring you yesterday while I was passing by! *Waves hands about* I was compleeetely amazed with you! I feel sooo lucky that I get to see you again! I am in need of the opinion of an expert! I am looking to purchase a skiprope for my goddaughter! Look! And there’s a toy booth over there! Please help me pick out the perfect skiprope for her and I will thaaank you by buying you a toy. *Extra creepily* You can pick aaaany one. *Reaches out to touch her* Oh come here… my sweet little fairy. I can carry you over there…

 

Note that Dilili does not say anything to this man during the entire conversation. In fact, I would go so far as to say that Dilili responds to this appropriately, in my opinion, by constantly staring at the man like she has no idea what the fuck he’s talking about (although that may just be a limit of the animation.) Then Orel comes back and scares him off.

 

The two realise that the incredibly suspicious man was clearly part of the Male Masters yet, instead of investigating the equally suspicious toy store owner (who even has the same nose ring), they decide to shrug it off and go meet Marie Curie, Picasso and bunch of famous French artists instead. The latter point them to a suspicious potential hideout of the Male Masters in fairly shady territory and the two go to investigate. This particular investigation leads to the very first moment in this film where things go truly off the rails and where I realised this wasn’t just an awkward stilted kids movie but a work of pure amazing insanity.

 

Basically, the two arrive at the hideout and Dilili goes in to investigate. About a second later, she runs back out, being chased by a wild guard dog (who is bright red for some reason). Orel kills the dog by kicking it (making him one of the few childrens film protagonists to have murdered a dog onscreen), but is bitten on the leg in the process. At which point we learn that the dog had rabies. So, to be clear, Orel now has rabies. A revelation that I responded to with the exact audible reaction of ‘Wait, fucking what?!’ Because yup, the main deuteragonist of the movie apparently just caught rabies and we’re not even past the 20 minute mark yet. And somehow things get even crazier from there.

 

The two notice that Orel hasn’t developed the typical symptoms of rabies yet, suggesting he might not have been properly infected. To make sure, Orel suggests that they visit the lab of famed historical scientist Louis Pasteur. However, with his leg injured, Orel can’t pedal his tricycle/cart to get there. Dillil tries to call for help from nearby townsfolk, but apparently yelling ‘Hurry! He has got the rabies!’ is not the most persuasive of arguments, since they all immediately run away. Anyway, since the route is mostly downhill and would require little physical strength, Dilili offers to pedal him there. What follows is about a minute or two of them cartwheeling quickly down the hill, barely avoiding crashing and getting the crowds out of the way by- no fucking joke here- having Orel scream ‘I HAVE RABIES!!’ at random passerbys over and over again at the top of his lungs. It was surreal as hell, to tell you the least, and I may have coughed up a lung laughing hysterically at it.

"I HAVE RABIES! I HAVE RABIES! I- Hey Dilili, is it just me or is this fucking insane?"

 

Anyway, after that bit of… excitement? Is excitement the word? I don’t think it is. Anyway after that… ‘thing that happened’, they reach Pasteur’s lab, Orel is given the medicine he needs and things return to a given definition of ‘normal’.The two decide to go visit a friend of Orel’s, the famous French opera singer Emma Calve because… reasons? I don’t know. This movie doesn’t so much run on plot progression as much as it does cramming as many possible famous historical figures in the process of inching the plot forward. If Dilili ever needed to go to the store to buy some eggs, she’d probably run into at least three famous Parisians on the way there. Anyway, while there, they meet Calve’s ill-tempered driver LeBoeuf, who’s kind of a racist dick, albeit in a very ‘kids movie ‘trying’ to be subtle about racism’ sort of way. I believe his precise words when meeting Dilili are “Why is *strange pause* that girl dressed up like that?” which is a bit dickish. Although, to be fair, it might be less racism and more just criticising her outfit. That’s a lot of frills, Dilili.

 

Anyway, then she gets him back with a legitimately kinda funny burn about him looking like a pig and then he tries to slap her, before Orel intervenes.

 

Quote

Orel: “What do you intend? Would you hurt this small child?

 

LeBeouf: “You call this a small child?”

  

Anyway, the subject then incredibly abruptly changes and Orel asks where Madam Calve is. LeBoeuf blows them off because, as mentioned, he’s kind of a dick and the two go into an opera house to search for her. While searching, Orel states that he’s glad Dilili didn’t call him a pig, to which she responds that apparently everyone in Paris looks like a pig to her, which what the fuck Dilili?! That’s a fairly hateful thing to say. So much for this being a tolerant kid’s film. Anyway, the two find Miss Calve singing down in the basement in a boat shaped like a swan, in a giant blue underground pool that I guess exists down there? Anyway, it turns out that Pasteur gave Orel a vaccine for cows that he wants delivered to the countryside and the reason the two came to visit Miss Calve was so they could travel there by her dinky little swan boat that travels through the sewers. Because apparently, that’s the best route of transport through France? Whatever. I guess the rabies trick wouldn’t work twice.

 

Anyway the two complain about LeBoeuf to Miss Calve (although Dilili dismisses it with the shockingly cynical “That’s life”) and Miss Calve offers Dilili an apology and a hug. At this point, we learn that apparently Dilili has no idea what a hug is, which… what?! I’ll confess I don’t know much about the Kanak people or their culture, but I feel like a hug is a pretty universal thing. Yet according to Dilili ‘No-one has ever taught me this concept before? It is excellent!’ Seriously, how do the Kanak’s hold their children? Constantly at arms length? That seems incorrect. Anyway, Dilili hugs Miss Calve and, while in a better movie this might be a warm and comforting experience for her, in this movie, the limited animation means that comes off every bit as stiff and uncomfortable as you might expect from a slightly uncomfortable child who has no idea how hugs work attempting to hug a fully grown woman who she met about 2 minutes ago.

 

Anyway, Miss Calve sings a bit of opera, Orel turns out to have a singing voice that sounds absolutely nothing like his normal voice and the group pass by a weird submarine ship thing that is also travelling in the sewers. Nothing actually comes of that mind and they don’t bother discussing it, but I feel I’m somewhat used to that now. The two also meet the painters Monet and Renoir, who Miss Calve sums up as ‘Monet is all about colours. Renoir is all about happiness’. Which, I’ll confess to not being much of an expert on art, but I feel is probably an oversimplification of their work. However Dilili states, again shockingly cynically, that there is ‘no more happiness’ because of the Male Masters. Anyway, the painters tell her that the Male Masters are using the Moulin Rouge hideout. And also the submarine appears again. Is it going to be an important plot-relevant part of this story? Nope. It’s just a creepy submarine that the Male Masters have for some reason.

 

Dilili and Orel vow to infiltrate the Moulin Rouge, but it is pointed out that they are too young to enter. However, Orel insists he has a way to sneak inside, with a not at all creepy look on his face. The aforementioned secret way in turns out to be just to go backstage, which is simultaneously very relieving and also a bit of a letdown. Anyway, while there, the two meet one of the performers at the Moulin Rouge, Collette. We also possibly get the world’s first kids-friendly description of a burlesque show, when Collette describes her Egyptian performance.

Quote

 

Collette: I show my body a little bit during the dance, because it is beautiful.

Dilili: *clearly having no idea what the fuck she’s talking about* It is very nice of you.

Collette: It’s an interesting activity.

 

 

 

Anyway, Collette explains that there are no Male Masters involved in the actual running of the Moulin Rouge, but they do gather in the audience a lot. And also another friend of Orel’s, famed historical artist Toulouse-Lautrec, is there, drawing the dancing girls doing the cancan. Which absolutely does not feel like a kids friendly sort of introduction to a heroic character, but whatever. Lautrec identifies one of the Male Masters for the group and Dilili sneaks under the table to eavesdrop on them plotting their next robbery. One of the group is told to wait for further instruction at the Irish-American bar. Dilili then sneaks back and relays this information to her comrades through the surprisngly hilarious method of mumbling “Mrsha-mrsha-mrsha *incredibly clearly* Irish-American Bar! *back to mumbling* mrsha-mrsha.” Anyway, while she’s conveying this extremely important information, Dilili is spotted by one of the Moulin Rouge’s staff and we get the following-

Quote

 

Waiter: Goooodness! What is this little girl doing in here?

Dilili: *putting hands on hips* Well, she is enjoying a very excellent show!

Waiter: Which wasn’t designed for children to see!

Dilili: What do you mean, children can’t see? I can see that these ladies are beautiful and dance perfectly well.

 

 

Good for you, Dilili. You be all sex positive.

 

The group leave (including Mr Lautrec) and go to the Irish American bar. Outside, a random stranger comes along and tells Mr Lautrec that his creations have personality and that his talent is admirable and then immediately leaves before anyone else can respond or say anything. Turns out it was famous painter and critic, Degas, who has very high standards. What does this have to do with the rest of the story? Absolutely nothing. They give Mr Lautrec a lift on the tricycle, he hears about how they went down the stairs during the whole ‘rabies’ thing (and apparently ‘hurt their bottoms’ in the process) and insists they give it a try themselves. Which seems incredibly dangerous, but whatever. We’re here to learn about French Historical figures, not traffic safety.

 

They reach the Irish-American bar, narrowly avoiding mowing down pedestrians and/or crashing into a painful death, and Dilili meets Chocolat, a black clown, whose profession is explained as ‘People kick my bottom and it makes the audience happy.” Which, y’know, sounds more like a performance that belongs at the Moulin Rouge than anything else. (“What a trade!” Dilili exclaims happily.) The group spot the Male Master hiding behind an incredible conspicuous bush. Dilili hides inside the aforementioned bush to overhear their plot to rob a jewelery store and steal Sarah Bernhardt’s jewels, with a getaway carriage and a secret tool hidden behind the Gate of Hell (a sculpture by Rodan). We get a repetition of Dilili’s incredibly exposition abilities (“Mrsha-mrsha-mrsha *clearly* Sarah Bernhardt *mumbling* Mrsha-mrsha-mrsha *clearly* the Gate of Hell!) as she explains it to her group and they head off to try and stop the robbery.

 

They start by sensibly trying to go to the police, but the commissioner doesn’t believe their story and has them thrown out. Instead they decide to go warn Sarah Bernhardt directly, but apparently she’s one of the few famous people in the city who Orel doesn’t know. However, he does know someone who knows her, Marcelle Proust. On the way there, they discuss their dream jobs. Orel points out how Dilili’s dream job seems to change all the time, from a singer to an actress to a scientist and so on. Dilili counters by saying it doesn’t change, she just plans on doing them all. Orel meanwhile wants to continue pedalling through Paris, become a singer and a dancer and we also learn completely out of nowhere that he has been saving money to study law because “*incredibly seriously* Injustice outrages me and justice interests me.”

 

On an unrelated note, I don’t know about you guys, but I think Robert Pattison is going to do a great job as Batman.

 

Anyway, the two meet Marcelle Proust and tell him what’s going on. He goes to telephone Sarah Bernhardt to get her to stay home and avoid the robbery. However, we learn that this did not work in this amazing bit of exposition in the next scene, while Orel and Dilili are tricycling down the street.

Quote

 

Dilili: “With Sarah Bernhardt, *strange pause* we failed!

Orel: That is typical of Sarah Bernhardt! Danger or not, she’ll be there! Her motto is ‘All the stage’!

 

 

Anyway, the two quickly visit Rodan to try and retrieve the secret weapon hidden behind the Gate of Hell, but are too late to stop the Male Master escaping with it in a briefcase. What is this amazing secret weapon, I hear you ask?! We…. never find out. Seriously, it doesn’t appear again and nobody ever brings it up. We don’t even get to see what was in the briefcase. Wait, hang on, was it the briefcase itself that was the ‘secret weapon’? Having a satchel to carry something in isn’t a secret weapon guys, let alone something important enough to need to hide somewhere! Ah whatever, this isn’t going to be remotely the stupidest thing involving the Male Masters in this movie.

 

But no time for that! We’ve got another kidnapping attempt on Dilili to see. And somehow this one is even more surreal than Operation ‘Compliment her jump-rope skills and try to take her to a toy store.’ Dilili is waiting alone on some steps when an old man with a cane passes by and compliments her. Then he falls over in a shockingly violent (and hilarious) way. Dilili naturally goes to help him, but then notices something and backs away. What hidden clue did she see to deduce that this man was a villain? He was wearing a nose ring. Aka, the one sole defining feature that would identify him as a Male Master. Because, as the name of their organisation might suggest, these guys are very much not smart. (Although trust me, we haven’t even begun to dig into that yet. Just wait until we get to their ‘master plan’.) It doesn’t help that when Dilili accuses him, he protests that ‘I’m just a poor old man’ in the most suspicious voice possible. Anyway Orel turns up and the guy immediately hilariously jumps to his feet and runs away. The two don’t bother chasing him, obviously, because that would progress the plot too quickly and also wouldn’t require visiting about a dozen random famous historical figures first.

 

Anyway, the two go to the jewelery store where the robbery is due to take place. They see first a Male Master enter (with a second waiting outside in a getaway carriage), followed by Sarah Bernhardt, wearing a veiled hat and walking like she is completely unable to see out of it. Dilili distracts the bad guy in the getaway carriage with some admittedly legit impressive jumprope skills (even if the ‘Ooohs’ and “Aaahs’ from the guy are a bit much), while Orel sabotages his cart. Then the first Male Master reappears, having somehow robbed the place offscreen and Dilili trips him with her jumprope, revealing a bunch of jewels in his bag (and a gas mask for some reason? Was that the secret weapon? Or did Sarah Bernhardt just have that hidden with her jewels?). The two Male Masters attempt to escape from the store’s guards, but Orel had untied the horses from the cart, causing them to go nowhere and to get arrested.

 

Then Prince Edward, Prince of Wales and Heir to the English throne turns up. Why? No real reason. Dilili just wanted her jumprope back and the policeman was being a dick about it, so he intervened. He also gets a hilarious unintentional burn on Dilili as well.

Quote

Edward: *to Orel* Young man, let me congratulate you on your swiftness and your ability to unharness a horse without unnecessary movements and in complete silence. *To Dilili* And you, young lady, on your jump-rope abilities.”

 

Also I can only assume the makers of this film are not fans of the monarchy, as they describe Edward’s job as following.

Quote

 

Dilili: What do you do?

Edward: Not much, to be honest.

Dilili: How do you make a living?

Edward: My mother sends me money.

 

 

Then a crowd, a photographer and a bunch of reporters appear out of nowhere and the English national anthem starts playing in the background. What does this random encounter have to do with anything in this story? Absolutely nothing. Let’s move on. Anyway, news gets around of Dilili’s foiling of the robbery and she becomes a big sensation in Paris. Of course, this also makes her a big target for the Male Masters. As such, Miss Calve insists that she be protected and escorted home by LeBeouf. Unfortunately, it turns out that leaving the security of a vulnerable girl to a racist, sexist asshole is probably a bad move as he is soon approached by one of the Male Masters, who attempts to recruit LeBeouf to their cause, offering him a position in their organisation if he delivers Dilili to them. Naturally, Dilili does not get home that night.

 

What's that? You mean this guy 'isn't' a pillar of virtue?

 

Hours pass and both Orel and Miss Calve worry when they hear no word from Dilili or LeBeouf. A brief search for them proves unsuccessful. However, not long after, LeBeouf returns, looking bashful and saying that he has an important tale to tell them. And what follows might be the most amazingly batshit insane WTF evil plan in a kids film that I’ve ever seen. Seriously, I don’t mean to hype you up, but this is what propelled the movie to me from ‘weird awkward kids’ film, to ‘work of absolute insanity’. And it is amazing to hear.

 

See, LeBeouf drops Dilili off at the Male Master headquarters like he was told to and Dilili is snatched by them. Then LeBeouf is escorted by the Male Master who recruited him to meet the leader of their organisation, who is predictably a tremendously fat dude dressed in stupid robes. However, when LeBeouf enters the headquarters, he sees that there are a lot of strange black mounds around the place, that people are sitting on or doing work at and so on and so forth. The Fat Leader of the Male Masters offers LeBeouf a seat on one of these mounds, all while he gives the traditional asshole misogynist rant about women having too much freedom/power/whatever by being allowed to go to university/have jobs/do anything meaningful. Le Beouf seems more uncomfortable than enthused by all this and notes that there seem to be no women at the Male Master Headquarters.

 

This is when we get the big reveal.

 

Now at this point, I expect most of you have put two and two together regarding the Male Masters and what they intend to do with the girls they kidnap. After all, they call themselves the ‘Male Masters’ and are not exactly subtle about their misogyny, general hatred of feminism/women and how they will ‘purify putrid Paris’. With all that in mind, it’s easy to assume they’re kidnapping the girls so they can brainwash them into become their perfect ideal of a docile submissive woman, right? And, to be fair, you’d be about half right on that front. Unfortunately, it’s that other half that separates this from ‘Vaguely competent if a little preachy feminist message’ to ‘Alien attempting to replicate your ‘human feminisms’’. And it starts right from this point.

Quote

Male Master: “What do you mean there are no women? After all, you are sitting on one!”

 

Oh. Oh no.

 

Yeah. Oh yeah. Those strange black mounds I was talking about earlier, that everyone was sitting on? Those are living fucking people! Kidnapped women dressed in concealing black shrouds and made to crawl around on their hands and knees to act as furniture to the Male Masters. Which I mean in both a metaphorical and a far too literal way! And somehow that’s not even the worst of it. Because you see, according to the Male Masters, ‘woman’ is not the correct term for a female. No, the correct term for them is ‘fourlegs’ because, unlike men, their natural evolutionary state is on all fours (and that them standing on two legs is an affront), thus they must crawl around, while also not being allowed to raise their head or look at the men who are now sitting on them. And their grand plan in regards to kidnapping all these little girls is to brainwash and raise them into becoming their fourlegs, so they’ll grow up ‘properly’. Assuming things go well, soon all the women in Paris will be reduced to their proper state as fourlegs and act as literal human furniture for the men. That is the Male Masters grand plan, which according to them will bring order to Paris.

 

…

 

…

 

*clears throat*

 

I HAVE QUESTIONS.

 

Okay, first of all, what the fuck? Second of all, no seriously what the fuck?!  Who in-universe thought this would be a good plan? Even ignoring for a moment, the basic problem with… just all of this, trust me when I say that as someone who grew up with his fair share of sibling scuffles, sitting on a human being is not all that comfortable! Which Male Master looked at a chair and thought ‘Hmm yes I like this, but what I feel it’s really missing is to be more boney, unstable and significantly more prone to sudden collapse and/or death.’ And why did all the other Male Masters go along it instead of throwing the idiot into an insane asylum? How did the mantra of ‘Hey guys, let’s turn women into literal chairs!’ garner so much support as to give the Male Masters the power they have in Paris?! They literally have hundreds and thousands of people working for them, including- as we learn later- some very powerful and influential figures. Did all of these people look at this ideology and think ‘Yes, this idea of sitting on women (for once in a completely non-sexual meaning) really appeals to me’?!

 

On that same point, people are really fucking heavy! I’m a fully grown man myself and I would struggle to carry someone the same size as me, let alone act as a seat for them for presumably hours on end. What hope are little girls going to have to carry a fat bastard like the Male Master leader for almost any substantial period of time, let alone all the fat bastards in Paris? All this plan has managed to create is a replacement for chairs that are objectively worse than chairs in almost every single measure!

 

And you know what’s even weirder? According to the Fat Master’s speech to LeBeouf, one of their main problems right now is a severe shortage of ‘fourlegs’! Why do you need to sit on people so badly, Male Master?! Why can you not use regular chairs as at least a stopgap while you carry out your plan?! Are you that dedicated to your insane doctrine? Are real chairs and furniture heretical to you?! Do you have to burn them in your fucking sacrament?!

 

Come to think about it, exactly what kind of furniture are these ‘fourlegs’ going to be used for? We see them on-screen being used as chairs and tables, but will there be other stuff as well? Will we have fourlegs beds? People cupboards? Will they teach the little girls to form human pyramids and create a wardrobe? What about existing furniture? Will they just get rid of all existing chairs and tables and replace them with fourlegs? Will they replace car seats? Public benches? Will ordinary chairs be outlawed? Are we even allowed to bring cushions or is that an affront to the Male Masters doctrine?

 

Phew. Okay. Okay, I’m calm. I’m calm. Take a deep breath in… and out…

 

…

 

…

 

I HAVE MORE QUESTIONS.

 

Considering the importance of women in keeping a healthy population, how is pregnancy in this world going to work? I’m no expert on women’s health, but I am pretty certain that constantly crawling 24/7 on your hands and knees and being sat on by very fat men is absolutely not going to result in a healthy birth! Wait, for that matter, how are they going to get pregnant in the first place? Women (or ’Fourlegs’) in the Male Master’s minds are so low socially that they are regarded as only being useful as chairs and furniture. Are they now also going to fuck them? This is a question I never wanted to ask, but are the Male Masters going to fuck their chairs?! 

 

Hell, have they already fucked other chairs, before they even started this scheme? Not kidnapped women mind, I mean literal physical actual chairs?! Were the Male Masters founded by a group of chair-fuckers?! Chair-fuckers who created an entire criminal conspiracy around their chair-fucking? Was this all just one man’s weird fetish that grew horrendously out of control?! It’s the only barely feasible explanation I can come up with for any of this! Was the Male Master’s entire criminal masterplan created all so they would have an excuse to fuck their chairs?! These are questions that I do not want to consider, yet cannot stop asking!!

 

Anyway, now that I’ve finished pointing out the in-universe problems with this idea I feel I have to ask, who out-of-universe thought this was a good plan? Who thought ‘Hmm, yes, what this kids movie about a delightful young girl travelling through Paris meeting real-life historical figures was missing was a subplot about turning little girls into human chairs!’ A subplot that, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, would somehow be less creepy if they murdered the children first! Who thought this was a good feminist message? Why did you think that a child’s first introduction to misogyny should be ‘Hey kids, if you’re not careful about fighting for Women’s Rights, Male Masters will turn you into literal furniture that, if you’re watching with an adult’s perspective, they may then fuck later!!’

 

Seriously, I might have at some point considered this entire subplot and the concept of the Male Masters in general to be preachy and strawman-ish, but I can’t consider that any more. Because it’s too freaking insane for that!!! To be insulted by a Strawman, you have to actually take the Strawman seriously and it is physically impossible to do that with this. This whole plot is so insanely over-the-top that it goes from preachy to just hilarious. Like a Chick-Tract without the hate and just the goofy shit. It’s not a Strawman, it’s a weird Straw Demon from the Outer Realms that’s here to eat your skin for feminism! What the fuck even is this movie?!

 

*breathes heavily*

 

Seriously though, this shit be crazy.

 

Anyway, back to the actual movie itself, LeBeouf hears all this and then proceeds to prove himself the most sensible, sympathetic and realistic person in this entire movie by immediately coming to the conclusion that these guys are fucking insane and that he wants no goddamn part in this. So he makes his excuses, leaves and goes straight back home to explain the entire story to Orel and Miss Calve, both of whom have the exact same ‘What the fuck did I just hear?’ look on their face that I did when I first watched this movie.

 

The look of two people who were absolutely not expecting today.

 

While LeBeouf makes his apologies to Madam Calve, Orel goes into the sewers in search of clues for Dilili’s location. While down there, he finds torn scraps of her notebook, used to make a trail to where the Male Masters have taken her. He brings Madam Calve and LeBeouf and they find a peephole where they can spy on the ‘fourlegs training camp’ that the Male Masters have set up in the sewers, run by a miserly old woman who seems completely on board with the Male Masters ideology for some reason. Why? I can only assume, but it’s probably a fetish thing.

 

Anyway, the aforementioned training mainly just consists of the girls crawling around while wearing black shrouds. Dilili is among the group but quickly decides ‘fuck this shit’, stands up on her two legs (*gasp!*), proclaims that they will not keep her and jumps into the sewage to escape. The Male Masters aren’t too concerned about this and expect her to drown, since they have a grate blocking the exit. Of course, that’s not much of a problem for Dilili, as Orel, Madam Calve and LeBeouf quickly appear to help her. Not that they really needed to, since the grate is apparently wide enough that she could basically have pulled herself through anyway with a bit of effort. Guess you didn’t think about that, Male Masters, in your grand plan to brainwash little girls into becoming chairs for you to sit on and- No, no, don’t get drawn back into thinking about that again. Down that path leads only madness.

 

Once back with her friends, despite her initial tough front, Dilili is actually understandably somewhat traumatised by the whole kidnapping thing and the three give her a hug to comfort her. She complains because she is still covered in excrement but, as LeBeouf puts it, “The actual poop are those men over there!” Dilili then very promptly stops crying and the group heads to Madam Calve’s home, to take a bath and also to dress Dilili like a parrot. No really, that happens for some reason. Apparently the only spare clothes they had in the house were a parrot costume, a prince costume for Orel and some kind of weird Russian pope outfit for LeBeouf. Because I guess that’s all Madam Calve wears…? They switch back to their normal clothes about two scenes later though, making this entire distraction pointless. I guess they just wanted to dress Dilili up as parrot. Why, I hear you wonder? Are you really asking that of a movie with villains who fuck furniture?

Somehow, this isn't even in the top 5 weirdest things I've seen in the last hour.

 

Anyway, the group makes a plan to try and rescue the other girls captured by the Male Masters, via an airship. To find the above ground chimney leading to the sewers, the group visits Mr Eiffel in the Eiffel Tower, because let’s not let complete utter insanity derail us from this movie’s traditional structure of visiting about 5 famous people per meaningful plot beat. Anyway, while plotting, they also discover that the police commissioner is working with the Male Masters. They learn this by peaking into his window and seeing him meeting in his study with several other Male Masters while also sitting on ‘fourlegs’. This scene is especially galling to me because we can clearly there are actual chairs in the meeting room they’re gathered in! Comfy looking ones too! I know you guys are dedicated to your craft, but this cannot be a better option than actual seats!

What about the skinned leopard on the floor? Is that a fourlegs too? Do animals count as fourlegs? Are they allowed to sit on animals? I still have so many questions!!

 

Anyway, the group invites Sarah Bernhardt, Marie Curie and Countess Louise Michelle together to plot against the Male Masters. This mainly consists of the group coming up with a solution involving a friendly unnamed lieutenant colonel in the army who we’ve never met, all while Dilili rides around on Sarah’s pet cheetah (don’t ask). Dilili states about the conversation that "Sometimes I do not understand a single thing." You and me both, Dilili. You and me both.

 

Anyway, it’s time for the big rescue of the kidnapped girls. But not before Dilili gets a new costume from a famous costumer, Paul Poiret! A costume that basically consists of him wrapping some gold ribbons around her. Truly a master costumer, you are, Paul. He also gives her a decoration to put in her hair after her victory. In a competent movie, this would probably be a Chekov’s Gun that Dilili will need to use at some key moment during the rescue to help everything go off successfully. Here? Nope. It’s just a hair decoration.

 

Unsurprisingly, the plan goes off without a hitch. They climb down the chimney, tie up the old female overseer (No you fools! She probably enjoys it!), liberate the girls, get them up the chimney onto the airship (while Madam Calve and the pilot give a weird and unique introduction to each and every girl), set a fire to slow down the Male Master guards and cover their escape, before flying back home to on the airship while singing. Specifically, singing in a heavenly choir that absolutely does not sound like actual children, let alone ones who have been enslaved and crawling around on all fours for weeks. Also apparently LeBeouf has a fucking operatic tenor. They also pass by the Eiffel Tower and a group of surprisingly underwhelmed rich people eating dinner (specifically some very weird kind of bird) who comment very awkwardly on the situation and sing along with a similarly unrealistically heavenly tone. Oh and Dilili puts her incredibly plot-relevant hair decoration in her hair.

Truly, the real pressing question here.

 

Anyway, the kids reunite with their parents and we get a bunch of very questionable child voice actors complimenting Dilili from offscreen. Dilili insists that she did not do it alone and Orel, LeBeouf and Madam Calve all assure her she indeed was not alone (with the latter veeery awkwardly cradling her cheek.) Dilili states- in what is theoretially a conclusion, but could also be taken as a threat- that ‘Sometimes life turns out to be perfectly satisfying. And it is only *strange pause* the beginning!’ And so the movie ends, with Dilili smiling creepily into the camera, much like she has been smiling creepily into our souls…

"Your ocular jelly was most delicious." *slurping sound*

 

But wait, I hear you wondering. What happened to the Male Masters? Are they still hiding in Paris’s sewers, waiting for their chance to strike and have sex with your lounge chair? Well, according to a commentary over the credits, they all got arrested offscreen by the unnamed lieutenant colonel and the other women they kidnapped are all rescued. LeBoeuf even rescues and marries the woman he sat on back in the Male Masters lair. Truly, a love story for the ages.

 

Also Madam Calve gave all the kidnapped girls colourful dresses so they could dance in the credits.

 

The End.

 

So yeah, that was Dilili in Paris. And it was amazing. Seriously, this movie was absolutely hilarious. Hilarious for entirely all the wrong reasons, admittedly, but hilarious nonetheless. I laughed so hard when I first watched this movie that I was wheezing. I may have spent the last- *checks word count* Jesus, 7500 words?!- 7500 words mercilessly roasting it, but I did it entirely out of a place of love. Because I legitimately love this movie. I love its weird awkward dialogue, its somewhat stilted animation, the absolute structureless mess of a plot, its terrible attempts at a feminist message and the sheer insanity that was the grand furniture-fucking plot of the Male Masters. I thought Cats was going to be by far the best ‘So Bad it’s Good’ movie I saw all year, but this gives it a damn good run for its money.

 

Seriously, if you’re the sort of person who enjoys ‘So Bad it’s Good’ movies then definitely check it out. And if you’re not, grab some mates, a lot of beer and watch it anyway while mercilessly roasting it. Because it’s just that kind of movie.

 

[rukaio101]

88. The Sacrament

 

Okay, I know what you’re thinking. What the hell is ‘The Sacrament’? I’ve never heard of it. Which isn’t a surprise. It's very obscure. In fact, it's so obscure I haven't even been able to find a movie poster for it. I hadn’t heard of it at all before it was placed in the line-up of a UK animation festival I tend to frequent, a decision I’m 99% certain was due to one of the production companies for a movie people actually wanted to watch, forcing it on the festival because I can’t imagine anybody wanting to screen it willingly. Hell, it’s not even animated or remotely about animation! What the hell was it doing in an animation festival?!

 

Anyway, to fill you in on the basic gist of the plot, it follows a student film production as they attempt to make a student film. However, there is an urban legend at their particular university that a mysterious dark-haired ghost girl will appear once every few years and involve themselves in a particular student’s project and that, assuming specific rules are followed, said project will turn into a masterpiece. Naturally, a mysterious dark-haired girl gets involved in this project. But is it really the ghost girl of legend? Fuck if I know, because the movie immediately takes a turn into confusing pretentious indie student film surrealism and never comes back out.

 

Seriously, this movie was garbage. The main character was a wholly unlikeable twat who writes comically terrible stuff, refuses to listen to anyone else and repeatedly breaks even the most obvious and basic rules of filmmaking (such as not breaking into people’s houses to film), the ghost girl, after an excellent introduction, does little more than smile creepily and the movie never cuts it out with the confusing insert scenes that don’t make sense. It’s clearly attempting to ‘blur the lines between reality and cinema’ but it does it in the most obnoxiously pretentious ways and the entire movie suffers for it. And there are arthouse movies out there like You Were Never Really Here or A Ghost Story where, even though I personally didn’t care for them, I can still somewhat understand why they might appeal to other people, even if they’re not personally for me. This, on the other hand, was just bad.

 

In fact, it’s especially annoying to me because there was the potential for a really good movie in here, or at least a really good premise (and one that I actually thought the film was going for one point early on.) Specifically, a film about a group of students making a student film, except one of the cast members is quit obviously Sayako from the Ring, or some other equivalent creepy Japanese ghost girl. There’s a lot of hilarious potential in that premise, for a comedy or horror (or both) and indeed the moment that initially made me think the film was going down that route got one of the biggest laughs from the audience.

 

But no. It just had to go the pretentious student indie garbage route and we all suffered for it. There are a lot of obscure films out there, indie, foreign or otherwise, that generally don’t get enough attention and should definitely be seen and enjoyed (some of which will even be on this list). This though? This ain’t one of them. It didn't even have the decency to be entertainingly terrible like Cats or Dilili in Paris. It was just a dull, confusing, unlikeable mess. It may not be the lowest movie on this list, but it is probably the one I least enjoyed watching.

[rukaio101]

87. Dark Phoenix

 

 

I don’t think there’s a single movie on this list this year that, from announcement to opening, I have had less faith in to be good than this film. While the X-Men have had plenty of strengths in their spinoffs recently- with Deadpool and Logan being acclaimed in their own rights- the main series X-Men feel like they’ve definitely run their course and the one thing they absolutely didn’t need right now was to remake the worst movie of their original trilogy. Add in the very lackluster trailers, the production troubles, the guiding hand of the guy who attempted to ‘salvage’ Fan4stic and the fact that Jennifer Lawrence very clearly did not want to be here, and I wasn’t particularly hopeful that it would outdo my expectations.

 

Did the final product change my mind? Well, it’s right here at the fucking bottom, what do you think?

 

Honestly, the main problem with the film is that it’s boring. Very boring. Most of the movie feels like it’s just people talking to each other explaining their feelings and moral conflicts at one another and it’s all just so boring. The writing is boring, the cinematography is boring, the action is… okay, the action is decent, but there’s nowhere near enough of it to even come close to saving the film. I’ll give credit to a lot of the actors, especially Sophie Turner and to a lesser extent James McAvoy, they try their very best to make this shit interesting, but they just can’t do it. 

 

Particular note in the boring category goes to Jessica Chastain’s villain, of whom the internet was completely abuzz regarding speculation as to who she could be playing. Was she a figment of Jean Grey’s imagination? The Phoenix taking human form? Another of the X-Men’s huge, varied rogues gallery? Nope. She’s a mostly original villain (albeit probably inspired by some D/E-list comic character) who is as interesting and threatening as wet cardboard. Seriously, why go to the extent of inventing a brand new villain from whole cloth if they’re going to be the blandest thing since stale bread? For all that people complain about Magneto being overused, at least he’s fucking interesting. (Personally, I think he’s one of the most interesting parts of the whole franchise and deserves the focus he gets, but YMMV).

 

Honestly, it’s a shame to see the X-Men fall so badly from their heights of what they once were. I can’t even say it’s that much better than The Last Stand. Sure, Last Stand has much more in the way of egregious terrible moments, but at least I actually remember parts of it. Few moments of fun action and Sophie Turner’s best efforts aside, this was just boring. Hopefully, the MCU will be able to pull the X-Men out of the slum they’ve been in but for now? I think the Fox mainstream X-Men have had their time.

[rukaio101]

86. The Lion King

 

 

You know, if you had asked me at the beginning of the year which Disney remake was likely to be the worst, Aladdin or the Lion King, I would’ve guessed Aladdin every single time. I mean, Lion King had the only director (Jon Favreau) who I thought made a better remake than the original film itself with the Jungle Book, whereas Aladdin had, in my opinion, one of the most headscratching miscastings for a director in recent memory. (Seriously, why Guy Ritchie of all people?) And Lion King had a top tier voice cast, outstanding visual effects and seemed reasonably loyal to the original from the trailers. So was I right?

 

Nah, Lion King was worse. Lion King was much worse.

 

The fact is, for all that I have ‘issues’ with a lot of stuff in Aladdin (which I’ll get to reasonably soonish), it at least tried to do things its own way. It added ideas, changed things up, had its own style and mood and, while most of those ideas didn’t really work, it at least tried something slightly different. This movie, on the other hand? This movie thought ‘what if we just shot-for-shot remade the original, but removed about 90% of the emotion from any of the visuals/characters?’

 

Now, to be clear, I’m not trying to have a go at any of the animators here. I shared a flat with a student visual effects artist for about a year at university, so I know that those people have to work an absurd amount to get even the simplest of effects done. And to create something as realistic looking at this movie must’ve required a phenomenal amount of effort, around the clock. 

 

With that said, every character in this movie has a constant look of dull surprise on their faces and it is very distracting. Seriously, I cannot think of a single character who appropriately emotes any given moment. And it’s not even like it’s that difficult to do while remaining realistic. I can tell when my dog is happy, bored, tired, sad and so on just from facial language alone, so don’t tell me that no-one in this project could do the same. The result is that every character seems bland and emotionless, aside from the lucky few who have voice actors willing to add extra ham into their tones to make up the differences (such as Chiwetel Ejiofor’s Scar or Timon and Pumbaa.)

 

The fact is, for all that I’m utterly ambivalent about Disney’s live action remakes (they’ll go away in a couple of years once they run out of good ones to remake), this is the absolutely nadir of them. Worse even than Aladdin or Beauty and the Beast. There is absolutely nothing worthwhile to be found in shot-for-shot remaking a movie just with less emotion.

[rukaio101]

85. Scooby Doo: Return to Zombie Island

 

 

Yes, I cover direct-to-DVD franchise trash on here. Not entirely sure why, since they mostly end up sucking (with one major exception this year) but, hey, anything to pad out the list and make me look more well-read than I actually am, I guess?  

 

Speaking of, this sucked. The original Scooby Doo on Zombie Island is widely considered one of the best Scooby Doo movies and for very good reason. It’s sinister, dramatic and genuinely horrifying, adding a dark edge to the typical Scooby Doo mythos that ended up working out amazingly for it. In fact, I'd go so far as to say it’s not just an excellent Scooby Doo movie, it’s an excellent movie period and easily one of the high points in the franchise's history. So you might naturally be wondering how the makers of Scooby intended to follow up on this widely beloved classic?

 

The answer is ‘Very very poorly’.

 

Really, calling this ‘Return to Zombie Island’ is misleading. It should be called ‘Below Average Scooby Doo Adventure with a half-hearted Zombie Island-Coat of Paint on the Front’. It has basically nothing in common with the original Zombie Island movie, in tone, animation style, characterisation, themes, or even canon (since it blatantly contradicts the events of the original movie multiple times), replacing it all with sanitised kid-friendly junk that isn’t even that funny or inventive to begin with. But hey, who needs genuine tension when you can spent the entire first half of the movie with an overlong, unfunny joke about the gang not being allowed to solve mysteries anymore? Who needs creepy characters and monsterous villains when you can have a crazy film director who is very wacky and kind of an asshole?! Who needs horrifying real monsters when you can have people in masks and… more people in masks!

 

Honestly, aside from the setting and a few recycled designs, this really has nothing to do with the original Zombie Island and serves a little more than a cynical half-assed selling point to shift more DVDs. Which, for a sequel to a movie that technically saved the original Scooby Doo franchise, is a little bit disappointing.  

[rukaio101]

84. Hellboy

 

 

How exactly did the conversation for this go in the Lionsgate studio offices? 'Okay guys, hear me out for a second. How about, rather than making a Hellboy 3 to our two beloved cult classics- directed by now-Best Picture winner Guillermo Del Toro- we instead made a terrible reboot with bad CGI where everyone whinges constantly? Oh and also let's put it out one week after Shazam and two weeks before Avengers Endgame, because surely that's gonna work out for us.'

 

Yeah, this wasn't very good.

 

Honestly, my main issue with the film was with the characters who, by and large, were almost all either unlikeable, whiny, an asshole or just all three. Seriously, it felt like almost every other word out of their mouths was bitching and moaning and it just got fucking tiresome. It never really felt like most of the main heroes really liked each other that much and when they did have their arguments, it wasn't in a fun 'Odd Couples banter' sort of way, it just felt like them bitching at each other. Hellboy in particular was deeeeeeep in the wangst here. I've never actually read the comics, but I have seen the Del Toro movies and, while Hellboy had his angsty and immature moments in that, you could at least to some degree tell where they were coming from. And, trust me, it never felt as bad as this movie.

Seriously, every character is an asshole in this and has at least one bickering argument with someone else. Hellboy, Hellboy and his dad, Hellboy and werejaguar guy, Hellboy and Alice, Alice and werejaguar guy, everyone bitches at everyone. Even the main climactic heart-to-heart talk contains the words 'Grow a pair' and it feels far too appropriate to the tone of this movie. Everyone bitches at everyone except arguably Nimue and that's only because she's boring generic evil witch antagonist No 372. Seriously, I could swap her with a dozen evil witches from generic fantasy movies and no-one would be able to tell the difference.

Also, like a lot of fantasy adaptations I've noticed, this movie was hella overstuffed and paced all to shit. Too many plot points and characters and plotlines to juggle, the vast majority of which only really have relevance for one scene/moment and then never appear again. Or appear loads, but have barely any actual plot relevance. You could arguably cut out the werejaguar guy altogether and all you'd lose is 30 minutes of him and Hellboy bitching at each other. Oh, speaking of, apparently said werejaguar thing was supposed to be a big third act twist, so good job screwing that spoiler up, trailers?

Now, I will give this movie some credit for having some fun action sequences here and there, along with a semi-decent first act and effects that ranged from actually fairly good to... Cavill's moustache bad (looking at you, certain major climactic scene involving ghost Ian McShane.) So if someone came out of the movie and told me they enjoyed it for the action, then I suppose I'd get it. It's not too bad on that front, even if it drags at times and the questionable CG holds it back at a lot of points.

And I'll also give it credit for committing full pace to the gore. I don't think there was a single gory discretion shot in the movie and people get fuuuuucked up. Jaws torn up, head hacked off, monsters ripping people in half, etc etc, all without a trace of censorship. I legitimately cannot believe this only got a 15 age rating in the UK instead of an 18. Admittedly, some of the gore loses a bit of its impact when the questionable CG blood makes it look like every human in this universe is secretly filled with delicious jelly, but still.

But yeah, while it may not be the worst thing in the universe, it doesn't have that much in the way in redeeming features either. It also doesn't hold a candle to the two Del Toro films, but that goes without saying. And, while from what I hear about behind-the-scenes talk, a lot of that may have had to do with producers meddling, all I really have to judge this on is the final product. Which isn't very good.

[rukaio101]

83. Human Lost

 

 

Human Lost is a Japanese sci-fi anime movie that you have probably not heard of before and also probably will not ever hear of again because it's really not very good. Which is annoying, because it has a really cool premise. Specifically, it's a slightly dystopian sci-fi future where humanity has effectively conquered death, being able to insert nanomachines into people that will fix damage and even restore a person to life. We actually get a really cool demonstration to this when introduced to our main character, who has just died of an overdose. His best friend enters the room, sees him lying dead, sighs and brings him back to life simply by calling a phone number and asking the operator to restart his heart. That's a legitimately awesome premise with a lot of potential for exploration. 

 

Unfortunately, the direction this movie chooses to 'explore' that premise with is 'Okay but what if it also turned some people into giant bland CG monsters? Oh, and a government organisation had to fight them with generic sci-fi stuff. And in the process recruit one of the blandest, whiniest emo protagonists in fiction and make him our main character? And also make it really long and boring and just terrible all around? Does that sound good?'

 

Honestly, the movie actually follows a very distinct pattern that I’ve noticed in a lot of Japanese ’serious’ sci-fi anime movies. The pattern is this. Take a legitimately interesting sci-fi concept with a lot of room for exploration (in this case, the idea of humanity 'conquering death'), cover it in a heeeeeeap of dull exposition, take a very bland/whiny/flat protagonist and an overly sensitive/bland/victimised female love interest and an organisation with initials that spell out a word, include a lot of heavy handed philosophy that doesn’t really go anywhere or mean anything, especially from the ‘charismatic’ main villain who wants to overturn the world social order because… reasons, a bunch of bland smashy fights, an over-the-top final battle that goes on way too long and makes me want to fall asleep, and finally rip off as much as one can from either Ghost in the Shell, Akira or Psycho-Pass.

 

Yeah, Human Loss is basically just that movie. I’ll give it credit for one cool idea with its robot ‘dogs’ being made from those cool weird four-legged robots we've seen videos about, but the rest is just bleh. A waste of a legitimately good premise, sacrificed for dumb monster fights, crappy philosophy and a whiny bland protagonist being whiny and bland, who I kinda wish had just stayed dead.

[rukaio101]

82. Angel has Fallen

 

 

Why is this franchise still a thing? The first movie was terrible. The second movie was also terrible (and kind of racist as well). Why did we need a third movie to 'shake things up' by following one of the most generic and overused action movie plots of all time? Was anyone really hankering for a movie about action hero Gerard Butler being framed for a crime and forced to go on the run by his own government so he can clear his own name? Everyone's done that plot. Hell, Taken 3 did that plot! And you really don’t want to be compared to Taken 3, trust me.

 

Honestly, every part of this movie was predictable as fuck. I saw every twist coming a mile away and, while that’s not necessarily a dealbreaker for me (I’m far more interesting in whether a twist is competently executed rather than whether it ‘surprises me’, it’s all done in the blandest most standard action movie way possible. People mentioned enjoying Nick Nolte’s performance, but to me he was just standard quirky ‘damaged’ old father figure. The bad guy in this movie is a former friend of Gerard Butler who is so obviously cartoonishly evil that I couldn’t genuinely believe they were about to play it straight and that there had to be a twist. As was his benefactor who I saw coming a mile away.

 

Seriously, this is arguably one of the most generically generic action movies I’ve ever seen. I honestly cannot think of a single unique thing it brought to the genre aside from maybe the opening drone attack and, even then, those drones literally never appear again. Morgan Freeman is sleepwalking through his role and the film’s attempts to be ‘politically relevant’ are heavy handed and ridiculous. Overall, it’s not awful, but there’s no reason for it to exist or for anyone to really watch it.

[rukaio101]

81. Godzilla: King of the Monsters

 

 

Honestly, I’m legitimately surprised how much I didn’t like this film. On paper it has everything I’d need to enjoy a monster movie. Big monster fights…. Erm, more big monster fights… more big monsters… Charles Dance? But this movie really did not click with me for whatever reason. Instead of getting epic, amazing and awe-inspiring monster rampages, like I’d been hoping for, I just found myself bored senseless, watching two large CGI blobs smash into one another.

 

Now I know what you’re thinking. Ruk, it’s just a dumb monster movie. You should turn off your brain and enjoy it. To which I will respond, that was what I was freaking trying to do! I wasn’t approaching this like it was high art, I wanted cool monster action, like Pacific Rim, Kong Skull Island or the few moments of Godzilla 2016 that actually had Godzilla action in it, and I was perfectly willing to overlook stupid shit to get it. But, ‘turn off your brain’ doesn’t mean jack shit if even without your brain, it’s not particularly good! Which this just wasn’t.

 

The fact is, for all the many many many big flaws that the 2016 Godzilla had, it knew how to make its giant monsters feel epic (when they were actually onscreen.) Godzilla’s arrival in Florida is still a clip I go back and watch again and again just for how masterfully it builds up the tension and how Godzilla’s mere presence seems to shake the entire world around him. This movie just doesn’t have that same sense of scale and epicness to it that these fights deserve. There’s a lot of destruction and some genuinely great-looking shots that would fit as a computer wallpaper, but it all feels flat and more like a footnote, whereas Godzilla 2016 really felt like it was putting you on the ground as these enormous titans raged around you. 

 

Honestly, this may be a bit harsh, but a lot of the ‘critics are wrong’ love for this movie feels like it’s more because the movie provided fanservice than anything. Godzilla and King Ghidorah are fighting, who cares about anything else? Look, it has Mothra and Rodan, isn't that cool? Despite the fact that the fights aren’t particularly all that good and only stand out because we get so few giant monster mashes these days. Plus beyond that, there's not really that much else to it. The human characters are a slight step-up from the characters in the 2016 film, but they’re still annoying and bland and the film focuses on them far too much.

 

Speaking of human characters, I am amazed that this movie managed to make the exact same mistake as the last one, by taking the best actor/actress in the film, fresh off their acclaimed run in a beloved TV series, with the most interesting plotline in the film and then completely sideline them for a bland male protagonist. Yeah, Millie Bobbie Brown was done dirty here. It’s especially frustrating because she could’ve easily had the best role in the movie, as a child stuck alone in the middle of this chaos, with a mother who loves her but has clearly gone off the deep end and constantly in danger from giant monsters and the terrorists she’s been captured by. Plus it would’ve meant more Charles Dance and that’s always a plus.

 

Still, I gotta do with what I got and what I got ain’t particularly great. Sorry for all the fans of this movie who I know are out there. It just didn’t work for me.

[Plain Old Tele]

If you loved it, shouldn’t CATS be way higher?

[rukaio101]

23 minutes ago, Plain Old Tele said:

If you loved it, shouldn’t CATS be way higher?

Normally that would be the case, yes, but I feel like it would a disservice to everything this movie stands for to put it anywhere but last. When a film puts that much effort into being so aggressively, hilariously bad, it deserves to be fully recognised for it.  

 

Plus, if I did just rank it just according to how much I enjoyed it compared to other films this year, it and Dilili would probably both reach the Top 10. Which is a little much, even for me.

Edited February 2, 2020 by rukaio101

[Plain Old Tele]

I’m going to mentally consider it part of your top 10 then.  (In deference to your other choices I’ll think of it as #10.)

[MOVIEGUY]

I just want to say I'm never watching that fucking Cats movie but I thoroughly enjoyed your review of it.

 

Also reading your Godzilla review, it's like you crawled in my head and vocalized exactly what I was thinking about it much better than I could. I have it ranked dead last on my list. IT WAS SO FUCKING BORING. I WANTED TO LIKE IT.

[rukaio101]

21 hours ago, Plain Old Tele said:

I’m going to mentally consider it part of your top 10 then.  (In deference to your other choices I’ll think of it as #10.)

This is harsh but also probably fair. I do think I've spent more time talking to my real-life friends/family about Cats than I have any other movie from last year. 

 

 

80. Jacob, Mimmi and the Talking Dogs

 

 

Fun fact: This is actually the first ever full-length Latvian animated movie. No, not 'Latverian', Doctor Doom has no part in this movie (as far as we know)- Latvian. As in, from Latvia. Second fun fact: That last fun fact is also probably the most interesting thing about this film. Because it's not particularly good.

 

The movie is basically a slightly limp-wristed kids movie about a boy, Jacob, going to stay with his more extroverted cousin, Mimmi, in her interesting quirky little neighbourhood which isn't really that quirky or interesting, aside from the fact that it's a bit rundown and there are talking dogs there because... I'unno. There just are. Also a business wants to build a skyscraper there, but Mimmi & co don't want to let that happen, because that's generally just how kids movies work. If this was made in America, they'd probably try and save it through a skateboarding contest.

 

Honestly, while this movie has a lot of the elements that might have made for a legitimately fun and entertaining kids movie, it never really puts them together that well. Mimmi is more annoying than friendly and her neighbourhood isn't really interesting enough to feel that worth saving. Especially since the major threat doesn't really feel that much like a major threat in the grand scheme of things. The side characters and comic relief aren't astonishingly funny or well-developed either and even the talking dogs don't really do anything all that magical. In fact, the entire movie sticks to a strange level of realism that doesn't really work for it and contrasts with a lot of the sillier kids movie elements. Honestly, the most interesting twist is how they end up stopping the skyscraper, in a method that's unique but also kinda ends up raising more questions than answers. 

 

With that said, it's not the worst kids movie out there by a long shot, but it's not particularly good either. It has all the ingredients for a solid story, but fails to actually turn them into a satisfying meal. The animation is basic, the storytelling is muddled and, unless you're particularly fascinated by Latvian animation, there's no real reason I can think of why you'd need to seek this out.

 

Of course, if this movie had been directed by Doctor Doom, things would probably have been significantly more interesting. Which, to be fair, is true of most movies. I did think that what The Irishman was really missing was a giant Doombot rampaging around in the background. (And also not being 3 1/2 hours long.) 

[rukaio101]

79. Kingdom

 

 

Well, this was a disappointment. Even if I'm pretty sure no-one except me was anticipating it.

 

See, Kingdom is a film based on a very popular (and legitimately fantastic) week manga series set during the Chinese Warring States period, about a young boy, Shin (or Xin depending on your translation) who wishes to grow up to be a legendary figure- a 'Great General'- in the titanic clashes of armies that this era is known for. And indeed, he gets his chance when he gets involved in protecting the then-young King of the State of Qin, Ying Zheng, after the latter's younger brother (who is basically just Chinese Joffrey) starts a coup that gets Shin's childhood friend killed. I'm actually a massive fan of the source material that this is based on, but I was honestly very skeptical about this adaptation. Kingdom is one of those series for which a large amount of appeal comes from its art style (and enormous military battles) and I struggled to see how a live-action adaptation would manage to capture its strengths. Especially since the arc that the movie is adapting, the first one, is easily one of Kingdom's weaker ones, coming long before the series finds its strength. 

 

And with that said, I will give this movie credit for one thing. It was very loyal to its source material. Unfortunately, that's very much a 'for better and for worse' thing.

 

This is particularly clear when it comes to the main problem I had with the film, the primary protagonist, Shin. Shin is the sort of typical hotheaded shonen manga protagonist archetype that is very easy to get wrong and come off as obnoxious and idiotic if mishandled. In the manga series, he works because the artstyle provides a real sense of anger and determination to his expression a lot of the time. This movie however... Well, he just comes off as cringy at best. Japanese Shonen manga adaptations tend to already be at risk of overacting and that's especially the case here with Shin's actor, who overacts like crazy and the mannerisms he's copying just do not work in the live-action format. Moments that are cool and awesome in the manga just come off as silly and embarrassing and he ultimately ends up being overshadowed by a lot of his fellow cast members.

 

Also, the movie is really long and hella melodramatic. Early in the movie, Shin's childhood friend is killed acting as a body double for the King and Christ does it feel like Shin never shuts up about it. Once again, it works better in the manga since it's a weekly series, so it feels like there's more time between moments, and the artstyle compliments the his passionate rage, but here it just gets tiresome, repetitive and so over-the-top as to be embarrassing. A lot of the action scenes also feel like they drag on too long, which is a shame because there are some occasional cool action shots to be found here and there.

 

Of course, I won't say the movie is entirely bad. The costuming is actually pretty damn impressive, especially in regards to one of the mountain clans that the group ends up visiting, and there are some admirable qualities to the action and designs. Oh, and Ouki, the last of Qin's 'Great Generals' is freaking great and arguably wins my 'Character way too good for the Movie he's in' award of 2019. He has such a great sense of presence to him that he becomes a highlight of basically every scene he's in, which unfortunately isn't nearly enough. Not antagonistic, but not an ally either, he's the only character who's almost consistently a badass and I definitely look forward to see more of him if this movie gets a sequel.

 

However, with that said, this isn't a particularly great film. I've often said when it comes to adaptation that knowing when to change things for the shift in medium is important and this film kinda takes that to heart? Its slavish devotion to the manga also means it fails to change stuff that just plain doesn't fit with a live-action adaptation and it ends up all the worse for it. 

[rukaio101]

78. Nancy Drew and the Hidden Staircase

 

 

Well, this existed.

 

Honestly, this only came to my attention because I saw the trailer towards the beginning of the year and that it starred Sophia Lillis (Beverly from IT) in the lead role. And honestly, I was vaguely interested. I liked her in IT, I like mystery stories, I’ve never actually read/watched Nancy Drew so I thought it might be interesting to check out.

 

And I’ll give this movie some credit. Sophia Lillis was indeed very good in the main role. Unfortunately, barely anyone else in the production of this movie gave a single shit. Not the directors, not most of the other actors, especially not the writers, who felt like 50yo men attempting to write like modern teenage girls, the entire thing just felt so… lazy and halfassed. Which is a shame, because Lillis is legitimately very charming in the lead role and really tries her best. I hope she manages to pick up a bigger/better role in the future because this was just… bland.

 

Although I suppose at least it was short, so...?

[rukaio101]

77. Batman Hush

 

 

I know I say this almost every year, but remember when DC Animated Movies used to be good? At least before the whole Justice League War/Nu52 Combined Universe thing fucked things up? In this regard, Batman Hush feels like an amalgamation of every issue that has plagued the DC Original Movie verse since then. An over-emphasis on Batman, terrible attempts at being ‘adult’ (which mainly boil down to swearing, violence and distractingly awkward female fanservice), adaptations of famous comic books that suck out a lot of what made said comic great in the first place (a sharp contrast to earlier films like ‘Under the Red Hood’ and ‘Superman vs the Elite’, which arguably improve on their source material), shock twists that don’t really make much sense, boring fight choreography and a stiff ‘edgy’ artstyle that sucks the emotion and life out of everything involved.

 

Honestly, it’s not even like Batman Hush is that amazing a comic in the first place. It largely got as popular as did because of Jim Lee’s outstanding art, which isn’t replicated in the slightest in the movie. The story itself is trimmed down to lose a lot of the stuff that genuinely did seem to work and it instead focuses on a bland and uninteresting romance between Batman and Catwoman that is bland and uninteresting. It also tries to switch things up at the end by deviating from the original comic's ending/twist, which isn't necessarily a bad thing since the original twist was insanely predictable, but it does so with a different twist that somehow makes less sense and is significantly stupider.

 

The fact is, like a lot of recent DC Animated movies, this film just isn’t good. It’s especially frustrating because I started watching the recent Harley Quinn animated series at the same time, a series that, while not without its flaws, has a thousand times more life, energy, humour and genuine adult themes than this incredibly anemic adaptation of a story that didn’t exactly have much life in it to begin with. 

[rukaio101]

76. The Addams Family

 

 

So this movie was questionably creepy, underwhelmingly kooky, certainly not mysterious and arguably not that spooky. It is altogether ooky though, so at least it's got that going for it?

 

But yeah, like Nancy Drew, I’ve never been massively into the Addams Family, or at least I’ve never had a chance to watch any of the films/tv shows/etc, but this film initially looked like it might be interesting. I usually enjoyed animated kids films that take a more horror-lite approach to things, like Coraline, Paranorman or the Nightmare Before Christmas. Is it because I like horror? Probably. I'm not exactly amazingly complex when it comes to these things.

 

But as it was, this movie was just kind of a blandish mess, with only a small handful of neat jokes and ideas. Honestly, for all that the Addams Family are hyped up as 'the most unconventional family', one of the most annoying things to me was just how conventional this entire movie felt. The Addams go through very stereotyped kids movie 'family drama' (albeit with a mildly amusing twist in Wednesday's case) and almost every plot detail is easy to foresee a mile out. Which isn't always a bad thing, but for a movie/property that's strengths clearly come from how morbid and unpredictable it can be, really does not work here.

 

In addition the animation feels way too glossy to fit the creepy atmosphere, a lot of the designs of the 'normal characters' are just plain ugly (in a way that I don't think was intentional), there are a bunch of plot threads that don’t really feel like they go anywhere (including several minor characters who seem to just vanish entirely from the narrative) and it follows a lot of very standard kids movie tropes and plotlines that, from what I hear, aren't really why people like the Addams Family in the first place.

 

Now, to be fair, there are a few highlights here and there (centred mostly around Wednesday and her subplot) and for a Celebrity Voice Cast, the voice actors in this movie really do a good job with the characters they are given, but otherwise it’s kind of a waste of a cool idea and excellent voice cast.

 

Also, damn it, I've had that Du-nu-nu-nu *snap snap* beat stuck in my head for weeks now.