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Posted (edited)

All films must be six blank spaces apart at all times.

 

 

I will be taking requests this year, but because I've already read a lot of films, the pool to draw from will be somewhat limited. Therefore, it'll be limited to just ONE request per player. It can be a film you made or someone else made, and it doesn't have to be posted yet. However, should said film not make the deadline, you'll have to update your request.

 

The following cannot be requested:

  • Fillers (under 1,000 words) See below
  • Dawn of the Last Six B-/C+
  • Call of Duty: Eye of the Storm B-/C+
  • Vengeance B-
  • The Ends of the Universe B+
  • Countdown City A-/B+
  • Sir Thymes Time 2 B-
  • Megalo Box B+
  • In the Doghouse C/C+
  • Tony Hawk's Pro Skater B/B+
  • Should You Imagine? B+
  • Toons V Reality
  • Laika
  • Pillars of Eternity: An Ancient Legacy B+
  • Saban's Beyblade: The War Unleashed — Let it Rip!: Episode XII - Based on the novel "Push" by Sapphire, Part One: You are (Not) Alone: And The Fabulous Emancipation of One Harley Quinn B-/C+

 

 

Requests:

  • Green Lantern Corps: Home
  • Columbine D
  • Yang B/B-
  • Dear Evan Hansen TBD
  • Birdwing B
  • Temple Run
  • Attack on Titan B-
  • Fatal Attraction A-
  • Tower of Babylon
  • Roman Fever B/B+
  • Starlight B-

 

 

IDGAF:

  • Love After Loving F

 

 

Starting April 30th, all fillers will be reviewed and graded in one post. Following that, the films listed above will be reviewed throughout the week, and the week after that will be requests.

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Posted (edited)

Now that Scavs 3's posted, here's the request list.

 

  • Green Lantern Corps: Home
  • Columbine
  • Yang
  • Dear Evan Hansen
  • Birdwing
  • Temple Run
  • Attack on Titan
  • Fatal Attraction
  • Tower of Babylon
  • Roman Fever
  • Starlight

 

Full reviewing begins on May 1st (free from work that day). Tomorrow, April 30th, will be filler day.

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As promised:

 

The Dumping Ground — All of Y7's "fillers"

 

In this context, a "filler" refers to a film shorter than 1,000 words and having little in the way of ambition other than, at best, tick off some boxes, provide serviceable entertainment and/or fill out the annual schedule.

 

Due to the sheer number of fillers this year, this will be in multiple posts.

 

<

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
👔
9
Spoiler

Snow Leopards

 

A documentary about Cookie's favorite big cat narrated by Mr. Wednesday? You had me in the title. 

 

B+

 

 

Snakes

 

Obligatory:

 

 

B

 

 

Dazzling

 

I honestly don't know anything about Cardi B and I don't really care. C

 

 

 

LOONEY TUNES: THE CLASSICS REMASTERED

 

J.K Simmons is not a wizard in this one and the appeal of seeing reanimated versions of classic cartoons is going to be limited to Looney Tunes devotees only, but it's a solid treat nonetheless.

 

B

 

 

The Gift of Life

 

A solid enough documentary about overcoming tragedy and coming together during a both joyful and very difficult time.

 

B

 

 

Flying High

 

I think Morgan Spurlock is better off doing something else. I felt the same when he did the One Direction doc.

 

C

 

 

Hoops 3

 

Still waiting for the scrappy youth team to go all the way to the Olympics so the film can be called HOOOOOPS (get it, cause five rings).

 

Also, why is LeBron James of all people the one getting a serious subplot in this?

 

C-

 

 

Father Knows Worst

 

At least it's not another Madea.

 

C-

 

 

The Turkey Squad

 

If David Lean was still alive, he’d wish he was as good as Beth-Carthy Miller.

 

To call this a film would be an insult, for the word “film” is insufficient as to describe just how majestic of a force majeure this cinematic masterpiece is. This is, as r/moviescirclejerk would put it, a pure kino, up there with timeless celluloid artifacts such as Gotti, The Fanatic and Justice League: The Snyder Cut.

 

This “kino”, as we shall henceforth call it, is a 135-minute swiss watch of a creation that blends the timeless premise of vloggers using the almighty power of Meleagris gallopavo to save the day against a sinister cult hellbent on banishing earth culture from the colonies for reasons that mystify the viewer. With a cast and production value that puts the hypercapitalistic science fiction trite of Spark, The Scavenger Wars and Mass Effect in their rightly deserved shame, The Turkey Squad is a fellatio for the senses.

 

Marvel as the kino’s avant-garde structure produces a climactic action sequence that does not elaborate on how our six-dimensional protagonists win, but is so bold in its ambitions that it just says they do anyway.

 

Simply exquisite.

 

A+

 

For real:

 

D

 

It couldn’t go lower because I wasn’t offended.

 

 

 

Vixen and the Flaming Feather

 

May be more appealing to the arthouse crowd than the general public, but it's a different enough as a CAYOM animated feature to stand out despite its short length.

 

B

 

 

Making Waves 2

 

So because Shawn admits to cheating he gets off scot-free with no consequences inflicted on him whatsoever?

 

Should have called this We Bought Ryan Reynolds a Hawaii Vacation By Disguising It as a Movie.

 

D

 

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Posted (edited)

The Last Fifer: Portrait of a Clarinetist

 

While some elements stretch the believability (I really don't think Paul and his son would have such a massive rift because of differing musical interests unless there was something more underlying it) this a solid if a bit unfocused retelling of a person's life, passion and interests.

 

B

 

The Written Word

 

Undermined when it decides to engage in Hallmark melodrama for the sake of it, it's a serviceable but otherwise unengaging look at the first printing press being brought to the North American continent.

 

C

 

The Disappointment

 

As hilariously bad now as it was in 2.0.

 

D-

 

Red Velvet

 

I know as much about K-Pop as I do Carbi B. That should tell you my level of engagement with this.

 

C

 

Monster Bug Wars

 

Drops the ball by not having the monster bugs grow actual giant size and go full Rampage on the off-world colony in the climax, thus rendering the setting redundant as a result.

 

C-

 

Whoopsie-Daisy

 

As someone who resents the culture where one can rate employees online and thus leave them targets for harassment, I think the film's message completely flounders since just telling the main character to "ignore the hate" won't actually stop or address the hate, especially when the film is more interested in cartoon hijinks so underwhelming it's like the film was written in an afternoon.

 

D-

 

Fish Fry

 

Forget what I said earlier. Bring Madea back.

 

D

 

American Barbeque

 

From Silver Linings Playbook and American Hustle to this. David O' Russell's career trajectory sure has gone downhill.

 

C-

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Posted (edited)

Father II: The Resurrection

 

Mother Teresa fighting skeleton demons and the ferris wheel scene are all time LMAO moments, but the rest of the film is pure trash.

 

D-

 

Carver

 

A solid documentary even if I wish it put more emphasis on the science and Carver facing challenges due to his ethnicity than honing in on his religious devotions.

 

B

 

Cruis'n

 

Cruis'n! CRUIS'N WOOOOOORLD!

 

C

 

Adam & Cindy

 

Cute doggies. Dull film.

 

C+

 

The Layover

 

Alison Brie and Domnhall Gleeson share solid chemistry in an otherwise unrealistic and not overly funny comedy.

 

C+

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Posted (edited)

I'll Always Be There

 

Would've been stronger if young Han Solo and Gonzales had more to bond over than "both our lives suck," but it works as decent melodrama for the crowd that craves it.

 

B-

 

3:32 A.M

 

Why is this a prequel when it's still the same fucking movie as the previous two? Who asked for this to be a prequel? Who even asked for this franchise to still continue and somehow profit?

 

F

 

The Perfect Life

 

Would've preferred if Anna wasn't basically removed from the movie a little over halfway through so the film can be about the kids solving their own Scooby-Doo detective mystery, but Juliette Lewis is a highlight whenever she's on screen and is enough to save an otherwise perfunctory mystery thriller where you can see the main twist coming from a mile away.

 

B-/C+

 

Out on the Lake

 

A creative twist on the slasher genre that undermines itself by still adhering to tired tropes.

 

C

 

Hearts of Fire

 

An otherwise average action film somewhat elevated by actually addressing the morality of its main character's actions.

 

B-/C+

 

Conventionally Wiser

 

Siding with @4815162342 on this one. Had the rest of the film been as entertaining as its endgame, we could've had something, but otherwise it's a fairly underwhelming follow-up.

 

C+ 

 

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Finders Keepers

 

It's darkly humorous to see the friends all turn on and try to kill each other for the sake of riches, but it'd be more entertaining if they had more distinct personalities than just barely enough to fill in their designated archetypes.

 

C+

 

Loving a Shadow

 

Cute kitty. Mediocre film.

 

C

 

Adult Swim Bomb Scare Non-Fiction Documentary for Theaters

 

A humorous look into the damage public hysteria caused by a crude marketing stunt could cause, even if the film stretches its subject somewhat to fill out a feature length running time.

 

B

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Posted (edited)

Surprise review that I asked in telegram if I should post ahead of time!

 

Pillars of Eternity: An Ancient Legacy

 

Major spoilers ahead.

 

Spoiler
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
17
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
18
Spoiler
 

This definitely felt like the busiest of the three Pillars of Eternity films, and given that the trilogy runs at a collective near 500 minutes, that’s saying a lot.

 

While An Ancient Legacy is thankfully lighter on the exposition dumps than the previous entries, the film’s structure can be called into question and may be a test of patience with some audiences, even those already well endowed with the predecessors. With so many characters walking side by side only to then go off in different directions before coming back around as the film enters its last third, it’s a lot to keep track of, and by the twelfth surprise excursion or puzzle-solving quest by the time the film is only halfway over, it’s easy to let your mind slip. Given that Pillars of Eternity, more than any other franchise in CAYOM, demands that the audience pays attention, that can prove to be an issue.

 

But is the film still good? I would say that, yeah.

 

I still think Never Far From the Queen is better, though, and not just because it had Albino Pidge, whose presence is sorely missed.

 

Despite being eight minutes longer, Never Far From the Queen felt a bit breezier than its follow-up. It didn’t have as many plot threads running side by side all at once, which can be managed with the right structure, especially if they wrap up in a satisfying order.

 

An Ancient Legacy is a film that decides to have one large climactic action scene to wrap up all its ongoing subplots in one go, making the audience believe the film is about to reach its end, only to then pivot into its true final act. It’s a structure that’s been done to great effect before, see Return of the King, but it leaves things on a bit of a wobbly side here, especially when it doesn’t have as much time to breathe between its various plot turns.

 

Alright, time to pivot from the structure into what actually happens in the film.

 

Let’s start with the endgame twist, and its defiance of traditional fantasy mythological and theological conventions on a level that would make George R.R. Martin proud.

 

Just before the last battle, which admittedly is very video game-y in how it is structured, it is revealed that the protagonists entire worldview and beliefs are one giant lie. The plurality of gods that inhabit Dyrwood’s mythology have been manufactured so to create order, stability and purpose, and it’s a plurality because Dyrwood is so fractured that the people could never rally around one true god. The power that the people of Dyrwood draw from, in that case, are not the gods of legend, but rather beings created by collecting souls and harboring them in a machine, granting them powers similar to gods, but not really.

 

But because they are not sentient beings, any deeds the followers did in order to earn their blessing or prove their loyalty to them was all for naught, regardless of whether those deeds were for good or for ill. Therefore, the fate of Dyrwood isn’t in the gods’ hands, but rather in its people, and the note the film ends on is the uncertainty of what will happen once the belief system of an entire world is set to crumble overnight, now that the main villain has been defeated and the secret could no longer be kept a secret.

 

It’s a bit confusing the way I describe it, but it makes sense in the film proper. It’s the theological equivalent of saying “all your waifus are trash and they will never love you, so stop living in your mother’s basement and get a job.”

 

The implications both in how it changes the outlook for the main characters and in how it finally reveals the trilogy’s overarching thematic mission statement is quite something to behold, and is actually quite the move for a crowd-pleasing fantasy blockbuster to take.

 

Now, the way this twist is delivered, even if it’s done fairly solidly with how it’s set up across the parallel flashback storyline, could’ve been a bit more than just another exposition dump. It doesn’t get anywhere near Colonel Sanders in Matrix Reloaded levels, but I feel there are perhaps more visceral ways the information could’ve been relayed. It’s a minor complaint in the end.

 

With all that out of the way, let’s talk about everything else, basically, and let’s start with WHYYYYYYYY did J.K Simmons Wizard have to die, even if his death scene was metal as fuck?! :whosad:

 

In more serious terms, Ana De Armas’s Sarana remains the solid protagonist she’s always been, even if I think her character development over the course of three movies basically amounted to a transition from “I know nothing” to “I know everything, but I’m still basically the same person.” There’s the germ of an idea with her past of being a pirate that comes up early on, but it doesn’t see much play in the rest of the film. Should she return in the future trilogy there's definitely a lot of space to explore her backstory for added character depth, so we’ll see how that goes.

 

I also feel that her relationship with Nysera, even if it does lend to hot lesbian PG-13 sexy times, could’ve resonated more, and I think a large issue there is that, outside of a few key scenes, Nysera fades into the background for most of the film, and her ultimate sacrifice felt like it was there so there’s something to be sad about and make the parallel subplot with Elanore and Iovana come full circle. Again, this is an area where I feel more scenes of the two actually being characters and share chemistry could’ve gone a long way.

 

There are a lot of other characters in the Pillars saga, of course, and the film’s structure lends some benefits and some drawbacks. Kana is honestly the film’s MVP this time around, even if most of his role outside of the big fight scenes is for comedic bits, but they prove some much needed levity and affirms just how lovably cuddly he is.

 

While Eder, Pellagina, Sagani and others get enough to do to hold up serviceably on their own, I honestly think Aloth got the short end of the stick. His split personality that was a large subplot in the last film is reduced to comedy relief in this one, and I didn’t feel he had much to do other than be one of two wizards present.

 

Also, as hot as the SaNysera stuff was, it sank my SarAloth ship. I am most conflicted.

 

The villains are also a mixed bag for me. Thaos is a grade A bastard and works fine as the ultimate antagonist, but he’s background noise until the last act. In the meantime, we have multiple villains and carryovers from previous films that either don’t leave much of an impression or feel neutered from previous incarnations, Wenan coming to mind in particular.

 

That doesn’t take away from the fact that the film, to its credit, manages to balance so many characters and not crumble under its own weight, even if it leaves a few ends underdeveloped. Not to the extent of the Spark finale where even major players got shafted just so newcomers could take up space and cause the whole thing to bloat past the point of no return, but perhaps fewer chess pieces running around could have resulted in a tighter narrative. 

 

This is exemplified when the big non-climax has four different confrontations happening one after the other, which while it leads to a few awesome moments (the Raiders-style face melt and the Stelgaer battle come to mind) it also leads to the film running a bit on fumes going into the actual finale.

 

Pillars of Eternity is a strange creature in CAYOM lore. In its lowest moments, it definitely feels more like homework than blockbuster entertainment, but when it’s at its stride, it delivers one of the more unique fantasy experiences seen since the days of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and the dedication and craft that’s gone into the series from Numerator Pictures remains impressive. 

 

I wish only good fortune for the series as it transitions into its second phase a few years from now. As the undisputed king of the CAYOM high fantasy scene (a scene that, admittedly, isn’t very competitive as of yet), Pillars of Eternity has come a long way, and will hopefully continue to astound, and confuse, going into the next CAYOM era.

 

B+

 

Final ranking:

  1. Never Far From the Queen
  2. An Ancient Legacy
  3. The Hollow Vale

 

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Posted (edited)
51 minutes ago, cookie said:

Surprise review that I asked in telegram if I should post ahead of time!

 

Pillars of Eternity: An Ancient Legacy

 

Major spoilers ahead.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

T

Spoiler

 

his definitely felt like the busiest of the three Pillars of Eternity films, and given that the trilogy runs at a collective near 500 minutes, that’s saying a lot.

 

While An Ancient Legacy is thankfully lighter on the exposition dumps than the previous entries, the film’s structure can be called into question and may be a test of patience with some audiences, even those already well endowed with the predecessors. With so many characters walking side by side only to then go off in different directions before coming back around as the film enters its last third, it’s a lot to keep track of, and by the twelfth surprise excursion or puzzle-solving quest by the time the film is only halfway over, it’s easy to let your mind slip. Given that Pillars of Eternity, more than any other franchise in CAYOM, demands that the audience pays attention, that can prove to be an issue.

 

But is the film still good? I would say that, yeah.

 

I still think Never Far From the Queen is better, though, and not just because it had Albino Pidge, whose presence is sorely missed.

 

Despite being eight minutes longer, Never Far From the Queen felt a bit breezier than its follow-up. It didn’t have as many plot threads running side by side all at once, which can be managed with the right structure, especially if they wrap up in a satisfying order.

 

An Ancient Legacy is a film that decides to have one large climactic action scene to wrap up all its ongoing subplots in one go, making the audience believe the film is about to reach its end, only to then pivot into its true final act. It’s a structure that’s been done to great effect before, see Return of the King, but it leaves things on a bit of a wobbly side here, especially when it doesn’t have as much time to breathe between its various plot turns.

 

Alright, time to pivot from the structure into what actually happens in the film.

 

Let’s start with the endgame twist, and its defiance of traditional fantasy mythological and theological conventions on a level that would make George R.R. Martin proud.

 

Just before the last battle, which admittedly is very video game-y in how it is structured, it is revealed that the protagonists entire worldview and beliefs are one giant lie. The plurality of gods that inhabit Dyrwood’s mythology have been manufactured so to create order, stability and purpose, and it’s a plurality because Dyrwood is so fractured that the people could never rally around one true god. The power that the people of Dyrwood draw from, in that case, are not the gods of legend, but rather beings created by collecting souls and harboring them in a machine, granting them powers similar to gods, but not really.

 

But because they are not sentient beings, any deeds the followers did in order to earn their blessing or prove their loyalty to them was all for naught, regardless of whether those deeds were for good or for ill. Therefore, the fate of Dyrwood isn’t in the gods’ hands, but rather in its people, and the note the film ends on is the uncertainty of what will happen once the belief system of an entire world is set to crumble overnight, now that the main villain has been defeated and the secret could no longer be kept a secret.

 

It’s a bit confusing the way I describe it, but it makes sense in the film proper. It’s the theological equivalent of saying “all your waifus are trash and they will never love you, so stop living in your mother’s basement and get a job.”

 

The implications both in how it changes the outlook for the main characters and in how it finally reveals the trilogy’s overarching thematic mission statement is quite something to behold, and is actually quite the move for a crowd-pleasing fantasy blockbuster to take.

 

Now, the way this twist is delivered, even if it’s done fairly solidly with how it’s set up across the parallel flashback storyline, could’ve been a bit more than just another exposition dump. It doesn’t get anywhere near Colonel Sanders in Matrix Reloaded levels, but I feel there are perhaps more visceral ways the information could’ve been relayed. It’s a minor complaint in the end.

 

With all that out of the way, let’s talk about everything else, basically, and let’s start with WHYYYYYYYY did J.K Simmons Wizard have to die, even if his death scene was metal as fuck?! :whosad:

 

In more serious terms, Ana De Armas’s Sarana remains the solid protagonist she’s always been, even if I think her character development over the course of three movies basically amounted to a transition from “I know nothing” to “I know everything, but I’m still basically the same person.” There’s the germ of an idea with her past of being a pirate that comes up early on, but it doesn’t see much play in the rest of the film. Should she return in the future trilogy there's definitely a lot of space to explore her backstory for added character depth, so we’ll see how that goes.

 

I also feel that her relationship with Nysera, even if it does lend to hot lesbian PG-13 sexy times, could’ve resonated more, and I think a large issue there is that, outside of a few key scenes, Nysera fades into the background for most of the film, and her ultimate sacrifice felt like it was there so there’s something to be sad about and make the parallel subplot with Elanore and Iovana come full circle. Again, this is an area where I feel more scenes of the two actually being characters and share chemistry could’ve gone a long way.

 

There are a lot of other characters in the Pillars saga, of course, and the film’s structure lends some benefits and some drawbacks. Kana is honestly the film’s MVP this time around, even if most of his role outside of the big fight scenes is for comedic bits, but they prove some much needed levity and affirms just how lovably cuddly he is.

 

While Eder, Pellagina, Sagani and others get enough to do to hold up serviceably on their own, I honestly think Aloth got the short end of the stick. His split personality that was a large subplot in the last film is reduced to comedy relief in this one, and I didn’t feel he had much to do other than be one of two wizards present.

 

Also, as hot as the SaNysera stuff was, it sank my SarAloth ship. I am most conflicted.

 

The villains are also a mixed bag for me. Thaos is a grade A bastard and works fine as the ultimate antagonist, but he’s background noise until the last act. In the meantime, we have multiple villains and carryovers from previous films that either don’t leave much of an impression or feel neutered from previous incarnations, Wenan coming to mind in particular.

 

That doesn’t take away from the fact that the film, to its credit, manages to balance so many characters and not crumble under its own weight, even if it leaves a few ends underdeveloped. Not to the extent of the Spark finale where even major players got shafted just so newcomers could take up space and cause the whole thing to bloat past the point of no return, but perhaps fewer chess pieces running around could have resulted in a tighter narrative. 

 

This is exemplified when the big non-climax has four different confrontations happening one after the other, which while it leads to a few awesome moments (the Raiders-style face melt and the Stelgaer battle come to mind) it also leads to the film running a bit on fumes going into the actual finale.

 

Pillars of Eternity is a strange creature in CAYOM lore. In its lowest moments, it definitely feels more like homework than blockbuster entertainment, but when it’s at its stride, it delivers one of the more unique fantasy experiences seen since the days of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and the dedication and craft that’s gone into the series from Numerator Pictures remains impressive. 

 

I wish only good fortune for the series as it transitions into its second phase a few years from now. As the undisputed king of the CAYOM high fantasy scene (a scene that, admittedly, isn’t very competitive as of yet), Pillars of Eternity has come a long way, and will hopefully continue to astound, and confuse, going into the next CAYOM era.

 

B+

 

Final ranking:

  1. Never Far From the Queen
  2. An Ancient Legacy
  3. The Hollow Vale

 

  1.  

 

 

Spoiler

 

Interesting that that was your takeaway for the Gods aspect. It's certainly a valid one, but I think the overarching point that the film wants to linger on is "Does the fact that the Gods were artificially made even matter, when the power they can wield if and when they choose, is unimpeachable?" Because,  let's just say, that is not going to be something that will go away. 

 

My rebuttal to your comments about the layered series of climaxes would be to redirect you to Scavengers 3, which kinda does it on an even bigger scale. I agree it's not the smoothest set of transitions, and part of that comes down to what I talked about in commenting on @MCKillswitch123's review that a large amount of the plot for the movie was invented by me out of cobbling together various threads because the actual main story for the third section of the game is really short comparatively. So I can see it being a bit jagged in going from resolving one problem to the next.

 

I understand the comments about Aloth and my defense is that his big character arc for the trilogy was resolved at the close of the second film, and I wanted each film to let different members of the heroes have the spotlight. The first film was to be big for Eder, the second for Aloth, and this one to draw out moments for Pallegina, Durance, and Nysera.

 

As for your comments about Nysera, there are things that I made up completely on my own and wove into the second film and this one to add to her character that I am curious if anyone might pick up on or reach hypotheses about. There's supposed to be some ambiguity and hints about something deeper.

 

I feel your pain about Wizard (he isn't a Wizard) JK but I think it brought him full circle in that he basically lost his connection to his goddess, to his companions, and broke himself by building a bomb, and he regains his faith and his self by making himself his own power. I know the first two films were very slow in teasing out what his deal was but it was all meant to be building for his breakdowns in the middle of the film and his Super Saiyan moment at the end.

 

As for Saraloth shipping, I put that kiss on the cheek at the end in for a reason. :poker:

 

As for no Ydwin, you'll see her again December Year 9.

 

 

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