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Crunching the Numbers: Lucky Number Slevin Yet Again: Countdown City

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Hilda and the Midnight Giant

 

Normally known for films about a family of disgustingly rich ducks, Cooke Pictures Animation now shifts its gears to telling a new wave of stories, starting with one about an adventurous, incorrigible girl exploring the magical and mystical world around her. In many ways the film is a test case of whether Cookie Pictures can be more than just a studio about Ducks, Mechs, and Bugs. So, what is the result of the exam?


 

Spoiler

 

It passes with Flying Colors.

 

The movie is a delight, with sharp, rambunctious energy permeating every pore. It's a manic, chaotic, whimsical look at a world where humans and countless magical and exotic creatures live and have to negotiate their way to some form of co-existence. Whether it be a farcical comedy about the ludicrous excess of Elvish bureaucracy, or the maniacal calculations of a political campaigner, or the thoughtless intrusion of a nosy neighbor making himself at home, the film does not shy away from being a bit silly, a bit weird, and a bit morbid all wrapped up into one. It's incisive and funny without being too unsubtle.

 

That's not to say it's all fun and games, the film also features an excellent dramatic and emotional bond between Hilda and Johanna as their lives are turned inside out by their Elvish neighbors and long-simmering tensions over the years come to the forefront as they argue and fight over their future in the wilderness valley. Left unsaid, and like a pall over everything, is the absence of Hilda's father and why he is not in the picture. The film never addresses it in any fashion, and in a way that makes their isolation and bond all the more powerful. The scene where Hilda and Johanna reunite and embrace and come to terms with their feelings in the aftermath of the avalanche is one of the most emotionally resonant scenes of the year so far.

 

There are a couple issues here and there, namely that some of the action setpieces get a little too long in the tooth and belabor things slightly, but that is a relatively minor matter, as they do feature quite a number of inventive gambits, such as a Bunny Monster Colossus of Doom destroying all in its wake, making for the most ferocious and deadly rabbit since the quest for the holy grail.

 

So, for those of us who have been thinking that Best Animated Feature was gonna be a steel cage death match. You're goddamned right.

 

Oh yeah, Twig is a very very good boy.

 

i07vJiQ.gif

 

 

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Spoiler

Regarding the unspoken absence of Hilda’s father, that seems to be by design from the source material since from everything I’ve seen/read the subject never once comes up, although Luke Pearson’s said the character does exist somewhere out there.

 

I think leaving it unadressed is for the better anyway, since the single mother and her child dynamic and their tumultous relationship are far more engaging as is and I think work as good counteract to the over abundance of dead/absent mother characters (and nearly always held in angelic regard as a result, whereas Johanna is allowed to be shown to be just as flawed as her daughter) in not just children’s media, but in many stories meant for older audiences as well.

 

And I was waiting for somebody to make a Monty Python joke, and I’m not disappointed.

 

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268x0w.jpg

 

The plot is razor-thin and the characters are cardboard cutouts, but it sure does look purty with all of the sleek cars gunning through landscapes, urbanscapes, and all sorts of scapes.

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There's a cliche if engaging premise of a normal woman pulled into a terrible criminal enterprise in order to cover her mother's medical treatment. It starts solidly enough, but becomes more and more generic and bland over time as the villains are all mustache-twirling cutouts, the male lead is a rail-thin actor supposedly also a skilled MMA fighter, and the character development is kinda stale.

 

It's basically a weaker version of what would probably have been a late 80s/early 90s Patrick Swayze action movie.

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Attack on Titan

 

WARNING! THIS REVIEW SPOILS THE WHOLE MOVIE AND ALSO A COUPLE PARTS OF SCAVENGER WARS 3

 

Spoiler

 

PERSON 1: So, you just saw that Attack on Titan movie? Don’t really know what it is about but it’s got loads of people in it, so it must be good, right? Just don’t have the money to splurge at the theater, so tell me about it.

 

PERSON 2: You know it’s based on an anime, right?

 

PERSON 1: Yeah but like half of the stuff being made in our pocket universe is related to anime somehow so that’s a given.

 

PERSON 2: Yeah, but some of the stuff here is like, really anime.

 

PERSON 1: What, the villain has really long aerodynamically-impossible hair and has an oversized weapon a troll couldn’t use?

 

PERSON 2: ….Maybe I should show you

 

*pulls up picture on phone*

 

415842.jpg

 

PERSON 1: WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!?!?!?!?!

 

PERSON 2: A Naked Giant Human, that eats people. And smiles all the time.

 

PERSON 1: Hold on. So the people in this movie fight against giant naked grinning people that eat normal people.

 

PERSON 2: Yep.

 

PERSON 1: OK then….that’s something. Well maybe it gets pulled off well in the movie. Tell me about what actually happens.

 

PERSON 2: So the actual beginning of the film is your standard fantasy setting. Young boy living cooped up behind giant walls, dreaming of what lies beyond, with a caring mother, distant and kinda secretive doctor father, and plucky adoptive sister, going about their normal lives.

 

PERSON 1: So which one of them dies horribly?

 

PERSON 2: The mom obviously. 

 

PERSON 1: Chomp Chomp?

 

PERSON 2: Oh yeah.

 

PERSON 1: Gruesome

 

PERSON 2: Strangely enough the film is a hard R, but a lot of the time it actually cuts away or otherwise has the chowing down occur offscreen. A little weird that it doesn’t fully commit, especially since we see a lot of mangled and half-eaten bodies throughout.

 

PERSON 1: Huh, that’s odd. So I guess Dead Mom means Hero Kid now wants revenge and signs up to fight.

 

PERSON 2: Yep, standard stuff. Though Hero Kid gets strange prophetic dreams that show glimpses of future scenes from the movie. It’s an interesting gambit by the movie since it’s all fragmented, but it does indicate that something is fishy with Doctor Dad. Anyway the movie jumps 5 years into the future with Hero Kid, Plucky Sister, and Best Friend now played by adults pretending to be 18.

 

PERSON 1: That’s Hollywood. So we get training montages and stuff?

 

PERSON 2: Sort of, the movie does spend a decent amount of time showing them training and not being helpless and useless. It’s actually kinda like a high school drama with cliques and cool kids and losers and romantic pining and “meet me behind the gym at 3” stuff. Some cool bits there and the film does try to give the various cadets their own personality.

 

But then it’s back to the fighting with Naked Giant Attack 2. If there’s one thing you need to know about a lot of the action scenes in this movie is that it is grappling hook porn. So many grappling hooks.  It's like a half-steampunk The Great Wall.

 

anigif_sub-buzz-10025-1487276419-1.gif?d

 

PERSON 1: But no Matt Damon manbun.

 

PERSON 2: Or white man goes to Asia syndrome. The film aside from keeping character/place names kinda strips out anything ethnic/cultural as far as I can tell.

 

Anyways Hero Kid gets dismembered and eaten by one of the Naked Giants and we start following-

 

PERSON 1: WAIT WHAT?!

 

PERSON 2: Yes?

 

PERSON 1: So after spending half the movie focusing on Hero Kid he gets torn up and digested and we just move on? How does that make sense from a storytelling perspective?

 

PERSON 2: In the moment it kinda doesn’t. Normally revenge crazy Hero Kid would have gotten himself killed sooner or the film would have him die tragically at the end, or learn that maybe he shouldn’t be consumed by revenge. Anyways enough about Dead Hero Kid, Naked Giant Attack 2 is still going on, and Adopted Badass Sister gets her own flashback of when she first became a stone cold badass and is carving Naked Giants up. Useless Best Friend is being slightly less useless. Anyways Naked Giant Attack 2 is actually quite long and eventually Badass Sister gets saved when one of the Naked Giants starts wailing on another.

 

PERSON 1: Wait since when do the Naked Giants fight one another?

 

PERSON 2: They don’t.

 

PERSON 1: Then why-

 

PERSON 2: Because the studio wanted a cool Naked Giant on Naked Giant fight scene.

 

PERSON 1: You know I forgot to ask before…are these Naked Giants like hanging dong or something all the time?

 

PERSON 2: No, actually they don’t have genitals. Probably the only reason this movie was able to be greenlit.

 

PERSON 1: No wonder they’re so aggro. I’d be pissed off too if I didn’t have a dick.

 

PERSON 2: Let’s stay on topic here. So Badass Sister and Useless Best Friend get the idea to use Traitor Naked Giant to fight the other Naked Giants and it follows them around fighting the Naked Giants they come across. We get more Naked Giant on Naked Giant action and Traitor Giant plows through them like a MMA Champ

 

PERSON 1: So a lot better than Logan Lehrman from Hearts of Fire.

 

PERSON 2: Easily. But yeah this goes on for a good bit, Naked Giant Attack 2 is really long. Not as long as the Capital Confrontations in Scavvies 3, but still really long. But yeah Traitor Giant gets swarmed and torn apart and collapses after it kills a bunch of the others.

 

PERSON 1: Justice for the fallen.

 

PERSON 2: Then Traitor Giant disintegrates and Hero Kid crawls out of its neck alive.

 

PERSON 1: ….

 

PERSON 2: What?

 

PERSON 1: …..
 
PERSON 2: You ok in there

 

PERSON 1: Hero Kid lost an arm and a leg.

 

PERSON 2: Yes.

 

PERSON 1: Hero Kid was then swallowed by a Naked Giant.

 

PERSON 2: Right.

 

PERSON 1: And Naked Giant is a different looking Naked Giant than Traitor Giant.

PERSON 2: All of this is correct.

 

PERSON 1: ……SO HOW IN THE HELL IS HERO KID ALIVE AND INSIDE THE BODY OF A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT NAKED GIANT?!?!?!?!?!?!

 

PERSON 2: I warned you this was very anime.

 

PERSON 1: THIS IS NOT ANIME THIS DEFIES ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS AND NATURE!!

 

PERSON 2: So you see, while Hero Kid was being digested inside the Naked Giant that ate him, he had flashbacks to more secret time with Shifty Doctor Dad, and his willpower is so massive he refuses to be dissolved by acid and summons Traitor Giant out of thin air with him inside controlling it that he uses to burst out of the body of the Naked Giant that ate him and-

 

PERSON 1: ……what

 

PERSON 2: And then we’re back to the aftermath of Naked Giant Attack 2, which all told covered like 45-50 minutes of the movie, basically the second act is all one giant battle and it is visually impressive and-

 

PERSON 1: Stop.

 

PERSON 2: Oh come on, you bought into a Demon Tree possessing a Spirit Guardian Bug to use sneaky sexytimes to bamboozle a hardcore Bug Racist into being a minion, but this is too much?

 

PERSON 1: You know what….just keep going. Maybe this makes sense in the end.

 

PERSON 2: So Hero Kid deduces that he has been experimented on by Sneaky Doctor Dad to be able to morph into a Naked Giant Transformers-style and that the key to the experiments on him is back in his old home, so they decide to do a big plan to get there. But first they have to save the city. So what was what the aftermath of Naked Giant Attack 2 really turns out to be the prelude for Human + Hero Kid Giant Counterattack 1.

 

PERSON 1: Ok, so more Naked Giant on Naked Giant action.

 

PERSON 2: And Hero Kid when he transforms loses focus and control and basically the plan goes down the toilet cause he is in a dream lala land. But then Useless Best Friend finally stops being useless and basically bullies Hero Kid into coming back to reality. And they plug the hole into their city walls, though we see some more supporting characters get munched first.

 

PERSON 1: Phew, so how much of this movie is action?

 

PERSON 2: Add it up, and probably well over 60+ percent of the movie at least is Naked Giant Battle Action. There’s so much visually striking stuff going on and there’s a lot of cool beats, but after a while it kinda gets exhausting, especially since we spend a lot of time with various cadets we only get a little bit of Mean Girls High School Time with beforehand, and also a decent amount of time with supporting military officers who we pretty much know nothing about beforehand. So it makes it a little hard to care about them being in peril and/or eaten when we know next to nothing about them.

 

PERSON 1: So they’re basically body bags that the film uses for easy adrenaline thrills but not much emotional punch.

 

PERSON 2: Right, the film tries to boost up their characters during the Battle Scenes themselves, but when you’re trying to develop character moments and emotions at the same time you’re cross-cutting between 4 different viewpoints in a 45+ minute long action extravaganza, it gets both a bit messy and falls a bit flat.

 

PERSON 1: Makes sense. So we must be at the end yeah?

 

PERSON 2: Just about. So the military locks Hero Kid up in a dungeon where he gets interrogated by Captain America, who has appeared in and out of the film a few times, and the Mystery Man, who has been kept hidden the couple times he has shown up. They question Hero Kid about Suspicious Doctor Dad and when Hero Kid says he just wants to murder all the Naked Giants he can find they decide he’s ok and make him part of their super cool Scout Club.

 

PERSON 1: I guess they reveal who the Mystery Man is at this point. Must be some big name to keep hidden this whole time.

PERSON 2: It’s Dane DeHaan.

 

PERSON 1: Why do they much such a big deal about hiding the identity of Dane DeHaan.

 

PERSON 2: :qotd:

 

PERSON 1: Well-played.

 

PERSON 2: And that’s where it ends, with Hero Kid in the new club, and nothing about why he is a Transformer explained at all.

 

PERSON 1: You’d think that maybe they could have condensed some of the prior battles a bit and included the Mission to Scheming Doctor Dad’s basement and ended with some reveal or twist there.

 

PERSON 2: Yeah probably, but they filmed two movies back to back so they just saved it for then.

 

PERSON 1: Of course they did. So how was the acting and stuff.

 

PERSON 2: Well Hero Kid is very one note. He wants to see the outdoors, he wants to murder Naked Giants, he likes Badass Sister and Useless Friend. That’s about it. There’s some more nuance to Badass Sister and Useless Friend, but the best acting probably comes from Michael Fassbender as Hannes, but that character basically disappears from the movie mostly after the initial Naked Giant Attack. A couple of the Cadets have some good moments.

 

PERSON 1: So how would you sum it all up?

 

PERSON 2: Listen, the action in this movie is insanely impressive. I would be shocked if this loses Best Use of Action at the Oscars, but then I have not seen all the potential options yet. But it probably also wins the Most Use of Action award as well, because so much of this movie is Naked Giant Battles and as I said, it kinda gets exhausting after a while. It ends up being a draining experience a bit and at the end of the day we get some WTF developments but no answers and not much reason to care about the mains beyond the plot showing us the bad things that happened to their families.

 

I suspect if you know the anime and like the anime, this would really be up your alley. But for the GA, I think reactions will be more divisive.

So yeah, this is overall kinda mixed from me. But you kinda have to see it to believe it.

 

PERSON 1: I can only imagine.

 


 

Edited by 4815162342
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36 minutes ago, 4815162342 said:

Attack on Titan

 

WARNING! THIS REVIEW SPOILS THE WHOLE MOVIE AND ALSO A COUPLE PARTS OF SCAVENGER WARS 3

 

  Reveal hidden contents


 

If the first one broke you.....

 

Btw my lips are sealed @Rorschach

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This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in a most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today
For here
Am I sitting in a tin can
Far above the world
Planet Earth is blue
And there's nothing I can do

 

Laika

 

Spoiler

 

If you get very attached to dogs and love dogs and think dogs are some of the best boys and girls in the world, then this may not be a good film to see in theaters. Because throughout this movie you will see dogs neglected, abused, hurt, beaten, traumatized, and taken advantage of by most of the humans they meet. It is not quite as child-scarring as Bambi, but it isn't that far behind.

 

Laika is a very methodical movie that slowly introduces you to the various players one at a time, before finding its way to Kudryavka as she navigates a life of neglect and attempted murder by her owner, to life as a stray with a fellow vagabond pup, and following the successful murder of that pup, her time as an experimental test subject for Soviet Space Command where she is poked, prodded, centrifuged, and more. The film very clinically goes through all of the ordeals Kudryavka must endure and that approach actually magnifies the trauma and horror, since there's no real malice or cruelty behind what Korolev's people do, it's just a cold, uncaring scientific insensitivity that better a dog than one of us. Occasionally intercut with this are the dreams of Kudryavka, flying through air and space, with an ethereal, almost inevitable quality of acceptance to it. The dreamlike quality helps provide a soft boundary that makes us further bond and empathize with Kudryavka, who doesn't understand the things being done, yet has an almost resigned understanding of what will happen.

 

Where the film falls short is in the quality of the animation, which does not match the ambition and scale envisioned by the film, in large part because of how cheap it is. I normally do not comment on the appropriateness of film budgets, but this is a rare instance where it seems like there would be a negative impact for a film budget of $15 million, with 25 cast members of known talent, also having the animation it desires. Something had to give with the fund allocation, and it seems the filmmakers chose getting as many known people in for as small roles as possible, instead of letting minor voice talent handle the job and putting the funds towards making the film come alive visually.

 

Laika is a moving, engaging, emotional, and dramatic tale, featuring strong vocal performances from multiple key participants and careful, thoughtful presentation of the narrative elements. But the flaws and lesser quality of the animation prevent a good film from taking the next step to be a great one.

 

 

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Adult Swim Bomb Scare Non-Fiction Documentary for Theaters

 

An informative documentary about a little-known pop culture faux paux that provides depth and detail to a marketing snafu that briefly derailed a major media outlet. There's not much insight or direction beyond a just the facts approach, but it keeps the audience involved and engaged.

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All the reading is done. All of the grades have been assigned. It is time.

 

 

 

But before we get too dramatic, let's give some recognition to 5 films that did not quite make the cut.

 

 

THE HONORABLE MENTIONS

 

(spoiler warning)


 

Spoiler

 

Meanwhile, Keif tackles an escaping Mayr with his rocket boots, and the two end up wrestling down the side of the exterior of the drill, punching and kicking each other with no remorse, no let up. Mayr tells him that the Core will finally get what she wanted; banishing all who associated with Velryn to a lesser standard than living. That’s a fate worse than death. Keif shrugs, and kicks Mayr during his taunt. Caught off guard, Mayr falls to the ground, where the drill rolls forward, crushing him under the treads. As he slides down the side of the drill and to the ground safely, Keif snarks that he would prefer that to being crushed by a giant drill.

 

HYPERCOMPETENCY

 

 

 

 

Spoiler

 

"My dearest sons Pairic and Haliar, if you find this I am long gone. Hopefully, Jomis has raised you into upstanding young men. You may not understand him, but the most important rule I told him to teach the two of you is that you will always have each other. I want you to raise each other up. Sometimes that may seem impossible but you will always figure out how. I love you both, goodbye."

 

STARLIGHT

 

 

 

 

Spoiler

 

Cleo reminds him that Montague is a smart man, and Guy points out that he knows that he himself isn’t that smart, but he knows more than to beg for a monkey demon. Cleo doesn’t know how to respond to that when Mono Maldito is finally summoned. Montague squeals in delight and goes to hug the monkey demon. Mono Maldito responds by grabbing Montague and shaking him like a rag doll and then eating him.

 

TEMPLE RUN

 

 

 

 

Spoiler

 

“I told you earlier tonight, I’m always there for you. Even when you’re not there for yourself.”

 

UNTIL DAWN

 

 

 

 

Spoiler

 

Vixen finds the flaming feather and puts it on the chest part above her heart, in a spot where a feather should be but isn't until now. She transforms into an all-powerful phoenix. 

 

VIXEN AND THE FLAMING FEATHER

 

 

 

 

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That was the appetizer. Now time for the multi-course meal.

 

And because this is a Numbers Countdown, you didn't think it would just be a simple listing, right? Because the Great Gif Game has returned. 

 

Five movies in the #11-25 range will be picked at random, with a GIF hint. Guess the movie correctly and you get a point. Match it to the ranking spot and you get a second point.

 

This will all be part of the point accumulation process, where the highest point-scorer will get an exclusive pre-read.

 

Similarly, the owner of the #1 Film of the Year will get an exclusive pre-read. If the #1 Film Holder is the same person as the Top Point Scorer, then the #2 Film Holder would get the pre-read instead, etc.

 

 

Round 1 will start in a few moments

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ROUND 1

 

The randomly chosen films are #11, #16, #18, #19, and #22. The GIFs will be presented in random order. Guess the Film and Match it to the Ranking Spot.

 

 

Random 1

giphy.gif

 

Random 2

APTV.gif

 

Random 3

IllfatedAncientIndianabat-size_restricte

 

Random 4

InnocentGrandioseHamadryas-size_restrict

 

Random 5

tumblr_mtoh78h9rs1s00ervo1_250.gif

 

 

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8 minutes ago, 4815162342 said:

ROUND 1

 

The randomly chosen films are #11, #16, #18, #19, and #22. The GIFs will be presented in random order. Guess the Film and Match it to the Ranking Spot.

 

 

Random 1

giphy.gif

 

Random 2

APTV.gif

 

Random 3

IllfatedAncientIndianabat-size_restricte

 

Random 4

InnocentGrandioseHamadryas-size_restrict

 

Random 5

tumblr_mtoh78h9rs1s00ervo1_250.gif

 

 

Random 1: Fatal Attraction, #18

 

Random 2:  Dual Consequences #19

 

Random 3: Beyblade #22

 

Random 4: Roman Fever #11

 

Random 5: Megalo Box #16

Edited by cannastop
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1. Green Lantern Corps: Home - #19

2. Adult Swim Bomb Scare Nonfiction Documentary for Theaters - #22

3. Pillars of Eternity: An Ancient Legacy - #18

4. Roman Fever - #11

5. Megalo Box - #16

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1. Ms Blakk for President (11)

2. Adult Swim Bomb Scare Nonfiction Documentary for Theatres (22)

5. Megalo Box (18)

4. Green Lantern Corps: Home (16)

3.  Fatal Attraction (18)

Edited by Ethan Hunt
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