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same story as usual! I'll review the first half of the year publicly, then do a top 25, leaving my second half of the year reviews for after that! wooo

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January

Vixen and the Flaming Feather - A very cool art-style meets a mythic story that has a few leaps in logic and drags a bit with a long runtime. Nevertheless, this is neat, although I have my doubts about its commercial prospects. 3/5

 

Father Knows Worst - Blah Tyler Perry movie. I liked Evan Alex getting paid though. 1/5

 

Finders Keepers - I enjoyed the ending, but this was more unpleasant than actually funny. I did learn a valuable lesson in the importance of naming characters though, because the climax of this was pretty hard to keep track of! 2/5

 

Outside the Law - a standard January crime movie. Has its charms to be certain, but I can't say anything here hasn't been done better elsewhere. 2.5/5

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Posted (edited)

 

IGNORE THIS POST I AM MERELY TRYING TO GET YOU TO CLICK THIS THREAD

Edited by Blankments
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February

Love After Loving - this film is repulsive, disturbing and has a mystery that really exists solely for shock; it becomes an impossibility to solve the mystery along with the story because no one in their right mind would have this film go to the conclusion it gets too. I didn't even get schlocky fun out of this, just all around garbage. 0.5/5

 

Starlight - not knocking it down for this, but this partakes in a pet peeve of mine, using pop culture references to describe how something looks! As for the film itself? This is a marked improvement for Horizon Entertainment's output so far, but not without its issues. For the most part, it's a rollicking space journey with fun setpieces and pretty animation. However, I felt myself wanting more from the characters, who came off to be archetypes without much reason for me to root for them. It's an enjoyable film, don't get me wrong, but one can imagine a more polished film that examined these character relations better and made a more emotionally evocative film. Hopefully the sequel starts with character first, and spectacle second. 3/5

 

Carver - a perfectly fine biopic, even though the only thing I really learned was that George Washington Carver was the original George of the Stairs. 2.5/5

 

Plastic-Man - this film is the first one this year so far with massive clarity issues. There are several instances where a joke is framed so poorly in the writing that I legitimately have no idea what the characters are talking about, or the action happens so quickly I had to rewind to understand exactly what has been going on. That casts a large shadow over this film, which has a pretty charismatic duo of actors at the center. However, to be blunt: as a superhero movie, this is functional; as a comedy, it's dire, hoping that the chemistry of Hader and Andre will make up for the lack of any creative jokes to be found. By the end of this movie, you're just waiting for it to be over, as there's nothing original to be found here and it's simply past the justifiable length for this type of story. At best, a merely serviceable superhero spectacle. Whatever. 2/5

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March

In the Doghouse - ehhhh. I don't want to be that harsh on this because I appreciate the ambition for a first-off project... but I find the dialogue to be incredibly stilted, the characters to really lack any internal life, and it kinda feels like a long slog for what it's giving you. Fincher and the cast try to save it, but at best, this is merely passable. 2.5/5

 

Dazzling - twerk 2/5

 

Higher Ground - huh. This is a weird one, combining a lot of elements that really don't mesh together that well at all... but they are entertaining, albeit in a schlocky way. I'm not sure if it's a good movie, but it works to kill 85 minutes. 3/5

 

Pillars of Eternity: The Ancient Legacy - it's more of the same for me, aka I found it very hard to engage with, although I can appreciate the craft. The flashbacks were the most ever in this franchise I was really engaged, and I liked the final twist. However, I find it hard to say anything else that positive - or negative - about it. 3.5/5

 

Hoops 3 - I don't even know what to say about these movies anymore. They are all a blur. 1.5/5

 

The Last Fifer: Portrait of a Clarinetist - oh, this is nice! A charming documentary that portrays a tough struggle rarely looked at in cinema. Very nice. 3.5/5

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April

(Father - boring, generic and dull, this horror movie seems to lack any real reason to be sequelized. 1/5)

 

Father II: The Resurrection - has a lot of bizarrely contradicting messaging and feels unnecessarily complex for a sequel to a shitty horror movie. Astoundingly stupid and generally a chore to read, it's somehow worse than the original. 0.5/5

 

Hilda and the Midnight Giant - undeniably a pleasant and charming film. I'll admit that, as usual, fantasy isn't my forte, but this gets past that inherent iffy bias with charming characters, imaginative use of scale and a very unique mix of mythic storytelling with legitimate childlike whimsy. Andrew Scott makes a great villain (the other highlight being an underused Lakeith Stanfield, who is genuinely the best part of this film) and the animation here is really gorgeous.  It does feel bloated at points and the third act, though fun, got a bit frantic for me. However, by the end, it's a true crowdpleaser. A very good time. 4/5

 

Snow Leopards - the cinematography is gorgeous but I'm tired of documentaries that merely decide to force anthropomorphism onto these real animals. Blah. 1/5 

 

Vengeance - this is... fine. Average Liam Neeson movie, this time set in Japan. It has okay action but is ultimately fairly forgettable. 2.5/5

 

Monster Bug Wars - a genuinely fun idea that feels squandered by the obvious payoff of the bugs not growing to Kaiju levels not happening. Still, this is pretty solid entertainment. 3/5

 

I'll Always Be There - a solid romance that pulls the heartstrings and features two talented actors that are frequently looked over. This is a very pleasant time at the movies! 3/5

 

Whoopsie-Daisy - a horrifically misjudged film that's staggeringly unfunny and is a massive waste of its great cast. Ben Falcone, please stay away from the camera. 1/5

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May

Dual Consequences – this is kinda profoundly stupid? We never are given a reason to care for any of the characters, and the film just escalates action and then ends each sequence with something mind-blowingly anticlimactic every time. Can’t say I didn’t have fun with though. 3/5

 

Cruis’n USA – solid fun! We could always use more racing movies! 3/5

 

Fatal Attraction – why you gotta do the puppy like that? Besides that though, this is a very enjoyable revamp of a story I’m not aware of. There’s not much depth to it but it’s fun, features good performances and ends up being a solid time all around! 3.5/5

 

Call of Duty: Eye of the Storm – I mean… it’s a Call of Duty movie. It has some solid action but the characters remain, as always, paper thin. Very hard to care about most of this movie, it becomes white noise. 2/5

 

Flying High – concert movie 1.5/5

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Posted (edited)

June

Adam & Cindy - its cute. I wish it had a better resolution to its central tragedy than just slapstick though. 2.5/5

 

Yang - utterly baffling in so many ways. Whereas the first film existed in a lovely dream-logic, this film exists in something more akin to a horror film, and entirely lacks the subtle flow of Yin. Honestly, I think last year's Facepaint would've been a better Yang than this was; this should've been left as a spiritual sequel, as the plot setup feels likes it's going towards a film with legitimate social commentary and scary moments, but it all leaves way to nothing but shock moments and mindnumbing stupidity to try to retroactively explain the first film's twists.

 

That film worked because there was no explanation to it; this film doesn't for so many reasons. You know the twist almost immediately coming in as you've seen the first movie. This movie throws all this political and social stuff your way and does nothing with it, despite the clear context and tone of the franchise implying they might factor into the plot in some manner. To top it off, the ending epigraph completely negates the interesting worldview of this franchise; that of yin and yang. However, one could argue this entire film attempts to negate what the original a masterpiece. This is a frustrating mystery box film where the mystery is painfully obvious and you're ahead of the characters; but moreover, it's a film that's determined to make logic out of dreams, and in that process, insults the audience and those who legitimately loved the first film. 1/5

 

The Scavenger Wars Part III - hmmm. I feel kinda off about this movie, and I'm not exactly sure if I can really put a name to why. If anything, I feel like whereas as Scavvies 2 made up for its lack of the leads of the original with a variety of intriguing new characters and a political exploration of Khouga, this trades that for mostly resolving leftover plot threads from the previous film in a way that feels kinda rushed, although not so much that it feels like a total waste. Sunn is a lot more tolerable this go-around, which is a relief, but I feel like in general this kinda focuses on trying to go big in a sense that the film doesn't feel built for until the third act. And the third act is tops, but it takes so long to get there that a lot of the build up doesn't work necessarily for me.

 

However, this is a Scavenger Wars movie which means in general, despite all my misgivings of it, I genuinely find the world and characters intriguing enough for me to say I really enjoyed this - I just found it to be the weakest of the three so far easily. I will say that Carrie is a really good addition; the sequence with her and Tamara vs. the Dominian is possibly the greatest this franchise has had so far. Also, I found the central theme of the movie to be well-done and a good sum-up of the franchise has been so far. However, that doesn't change my general feeling of disengagement until the third act, something that I didn't feel when I looked back at a few scenes of Scavvies 2 while reading this (for a refresher). Basically, I find this good, but lacking in a way that's really hard to give a concrete reason on why it seems so off to me, which is probably disappointing in its own sense. That said, I have high hopes for IV, especially with the teaser at the end. 3.5/5

 

Hearts of Fire - it's a solid whatever action movie. Can't say I'll remember much about it in a few days, but it does the job. 3/5

 

Should You Imagine? - my main takeaway from this is that for a movie about imagination, it's a genuine problem that its two main antagonists feel wholescale lifted from other recent movies (the Steven Universe movie and The LEGO Movie 2). Whenever they show up, I'm distracted, whether the former being something where I wonder how everything about it reminds me of the trailers I've seen for that movie, or the latter where I just think about how underdeveloped Smarmy is compared to Rex Dangervest, despite functioning literally exactly the same in the film.

 

As for the film besides these (very huge) roles, it's fine. It's adequate. The Kyle and Jennifer plot is pretty dire and boring, but the main plot is interesting, and does have a lot of cool thematic ideas about a developing sense of self - this is the clear best part of the film, although it's always lessened by the presence of the derivative villains. The funhouse sequence is the absolute highlight of the film all around, but in general, I'd honestly say this suffers from what I'd call Time Warp Trio Syndrome. When I was a kid, I would read all the Time Warp Trio books, but I would find remarkably less engaging on the actual adventure. The set-up here is marvelous, but once we enter Imaginationland, I just found it to be kinda rote? Maybe the film would've worked with different villains, but overall, Tiana and Ethan are really the only parts of this sequel that really work, and as they're the pivotal roles, that's makes it more tolerable than the rest of the lackluster elements would make it seem to be. 2/5

Edited by Blankments
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IT'S TIME 

 

Yes, it's time for my countdown. Generally I frame this around a recent movie... Unfortunately there are no recent movies I've seen except for Hamilton, and I know @Alpha would murder me if I referred to that as a film. Thus, no fun theme for this countdown... EXCEPT

 

TIME IS MONEY

 

And since it's "time," and also with us now entering a recession and with my newfound skills of saving money for myself, these films will be announced this year in order of budget, from cheapest film to most expensive film. Initially, the five honorable mentions, the ten worst films of the year, and numbers 25-6 will be announced in that order, until finally, the top five is revealed in order from cheapest to most expensive. Let's have a good time, and celebrate the fine films that released in Y7!!!

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Oh man oh man... 😃🤞

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Posted (edited)
 

With the lowest budget on the list, a mere $550k....


11. The Last Fifer: Portrait of a Clarinetist

 

 

 

With a budget of $4.5M....

HM: The Gift of Life

 

 

 

With a budget of $7M...

9. Red Flavour

 

 

 

With a budget of $10M... 

20. Fish Fry

 

 

 

Also with a budget of $10M...


7. Roman Fever

 

Edited by Blankments
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I bet the worst films are represented by the strikethrough! That's my current thought about it!

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Posted (edited)
 

With a budget of $13.5M...

18. Vixen and the Flaming Feather

 

 

 

With a budget of $15M...

4. Father II: The Resurrection

 

 

 

Also with a budget of $15M... 

10. Loving a Shadow

 

 

 

Also with a budget of $15M... 

7. Out on the Lake

 

 

 

With a budget of $20M... 

3. American Barbeque

 

Edited by Blankments
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1 minute ago, SLAM! said:

I bet the worst films are represented by the strikethrough! That's my current thought about it!

yes this is what it's meant to be; I didn't explain because this is what I've done in the past

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I guess he didn't love the shadow.

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