New Journey Pictures Christmas Extravaganza (Year 8)

[SLAM!]

The pre-recorded video begins livestreaming on YouTube or Twitch or whatever your platform of choice happens to be. We zoom in on a log cabin. Inside, New Journey Pictures CEO wears red and green workout clothes, performing a rep of leg extensions in the living room.

 

Glenn Guthrie: Oh, hi! I didn't see you there! I've been making those gains! Just like films like Megalo Box and Banjo-Kazooie have been making gains at the box office!

 

SUDDENLY, spacemen from Among Us burst through the windows. Glenn shrieks.

 

Red: We need your help! The Santa Claus at the shopping mall is acting kinda sus! We think he's an impostor!

Glenn Guthrie: I'd be happy to help you defeat the Impostor Santa! And you, the audience, can defeat your hopeless boredom by seeing Among Us in theaters on June 7th, Y8! I'm sure the anonymous A-listers would appreciate it, if you know what I'm sayin!

Cyan: Come on! Let's go!

 

Cyan grabs Glenn and pulls him out of frame.

[SLAM!]

Glenn Guthrie and the spacemen travel to the mall. Unfortunately, it's overrun by zombies!

 

Glenn Guthrie: This isn't good at all, is it?

Orange: I'll offer them christmas cookies! Maybe that'll stave them off!

 

Orange steps into the hoard and offers the zombies christmas cookies. He is swiftly devoured.

 

White: Aw, they got Orange. That's a shame.

Yellow: Look! It's a group of four survivors!

 

Gunfire is heard as Francis (Matthias Schœnærts), Zoey (Karen Gillian), Louis (Parker Sawyers), and Bill (Kurt Russell) blast there way through the zombies.

 

Glenn Guthrie: Wow! It's the four survivors from our movie No Mercy, which comes to theaters... Uh...

 

Glenn pulls out his smartphone and visits the Studio Plans thread.

 

Glenn Guthrie: April 19th, Y8!

 

Francis shoots a zombie in the face.

 

Francis: Go! We got it from here!

 

Glenn and the spacemen proceed further into the mall, still searching for Impostor Santa...

[SLAM!]

Adam Driver wears an elf costume. He stands up straight and rings a handbell.

 

Adam Driver: Come see Santa Claus. Santa Claus is comin to town, kids. He's giving out presents. Come get your presents.

 

Glenn and the spacemen run up to him.

 

Glenn Guthrie: Adam Driver! Thank goodness you're here!

Adam Driver: If only I felt the same way.

Glenn Guthrie: We need to know where the Mall Santa is! We think he's an impostor!

Adam Driver: Oh, uh... He's that way.

Glenn Guthrie: Thank you, Adam! You're a blessing!

 

Glenn and the spacemen run off.

 

Adam Driver: Wait a minute. This isn't the film shoot of Noah Baumbach's Christmas Shopping which comes out on December 6th, Y8. This is the film shoot for the extravaganza thing. Why am I here? It's Christmas.

 

Adam Driver leaves.

[SLAM!]

Glenn and the spacemen finally reach the dastardly Impostor Santa, whose back is turned to them.

 

Pink: Aah! That outfit! I love it!

Green: Show yourself, you kinda-sus impostor!

 

Impostor Santa turns around. It's John Malkovich!

 

Glenn Guthrie: I should've known it was you! You've been in all of these extravaganzas!

John Malkovich: Mwa ha ha! If you won't release my movie Banana Fish, then I'll write your name on the naughty list!

 

John pulls out a book and opens it.

 

Glenn Guthrie: Wait! That's not the naughty list! That's the book that damns people to Hell--the one from The Gnashing, which comes to theaters on July 3rd, Y8!

John Malkovich: Oh. Uh. Whoops.

 

The black spaceman scratches his chin.

Black: Wait a minute. John Malkovich has a nametag on his Santa outfit.

Purple: Yeah, and it says "Santa," dummy.

Black: No, it says... "John Malkovich."

Cyan: So he was a mall santa!

John Malkovich: Yeah, I'm broke and I needed the money to buy Christmas gifts.

Red: So if John Malkovich isn't the impostor, then who's the impostor?

 

The spacemen stare at each other.

[SLAM!]

Enter disco detective Doug Howard (Daniel Henney), who tells the spacemen to line up in a row. He moonwalks back and forth.

 

Doug Howard: So let's recap for a minute. One of you is the impostor, and you haven't figured out who it is.

Yellow: I'm sorry, who are you again?

Doug Howard: I'm Doug Howard from the comedy Smooth Moves, which comes to theaters on May 17th, Y8.

Green: Unless it gets cancelled first.

Blue: Well, we wouldn't know if Slam's thinking of cancelling it because we're not in the Telegram chat.

White: Technically, we are on Telegram because we have a sticker collection themed around our game.

Doug Howard: Okay, okay. Who among you can do the boogie woogie?

Purple: Oh, I can do that.

 

The purple spaceman does the boogie woogie.

 

Red: That dancing was kinda sus!

Purple: Huh?

 

The spacemen vote for purple, and he is subsequently thrown to the zombies.

Edited December 25, 2020 by SLAM!

[SLAM!]

SUDDENLY, a dragon bursts through the ceiling and starts breathing fire everywhere.

 

Glenn Guthrie: What in the world?

 

Glenn checks the Studio Plans thread.

 

Glenn Guthrie: The Game of Thrones prequel is a Numerator Pictures project...

John Malkovich: Take a second look, home slice!

Glenn Guthrie: Oh. Yeah, that's the dragon from Panzer Dragoon, which comes to theaters on October 18th, Y8.

 

The dragon hoists the green spaceman up in the air with its pointy laser helmet. It falls into the dragon's mouth.

 

Cyan: RUN AWAY!

 

They run away from the dragon.

[SLAM!]

They run into a dead end, and the dragon flies above them. Glenn, John, and Doug take cover behind a doughnut stand.

 

Black: Take out your laser guns and fire at it!

Pink: Pow! Pow Pow! Pow Pow Pow!

 

The lasers barely damage the dragon. The pink spaceman poses and blows the gun's smoke.

 

Red: We're almost out of laser ammo!

Black: How the hell do we run out of laser ammo?!

Blue: I don't know about you guys, but I think we'll need an deus ex machina to get out of this one.

Yellow: Hey look! It's Edward Elric!

 

Edward Elric (Jaeden Martell) appears and thrusts his hands to the ground, sparking an alchemical transmutation that traps the dragon in a prison made of marble.

 

Glenn Guthrie: Phew! Thanks, Edward Elric!

Edward Elric: Not a problem! See my movie on September 6th, everyone!

John Malkovich: Well, with that out of the way... Who wants a doughnut?

Doug Howard: (does the arm wave) Boy do I love a good doughnut!

 

Glenn Guthrie: Well, that about wraps it all up folks! New Journey Pictures wishes everyone a very merry (and very safe) Christmas!

Cyan: And happy holidays, too!

 

Everyone waves goodbye, and the video ends.

Edited December 25, 2020 by SLAM!