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ElSquibbonator's Review Thread-- UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT

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I didn't mean to slack off like this again, I really didn't. But to make it up to you guys, I'm going to knock out both September and October today, followed by November and December tomorrow. 

 

September:

Spoiler

Seals of Honor

I wasn't expecting to randomly pick another documentary film for one of the September reviews. Nor, for that matter, was I expecting to like it as much as I did. Unlike Heart of the Amazon, where whatever educational content might exist in the movie is drowned out by saccharine voiceovers, Seals of Honor is a refreshingly frank documentary about the seals (and sea lions, and walruses, can't forget them) of the world. There's still plenty in this movie for audiences to chew on, though, from some truly stunning live footage of a battle between elephant seal bulls on South Georgia Island to a rare observation of the critically endangered Mediterranean monk seal. Instead of excessively personifying its subjects, this documentary emphasizes that these animals inhabit a world completely different from our own, one that we can only visit, but could never live in. 

That's not to say I don't have criticisms, though. The film is rated G, and in theory it's suitable for all audiences, but some scenes, such as the elephant seal fight and another where a polar bear kills a ringed seal pup, are quite intense; I can't help but wonder if a PG might have been more appropriate. There's a 10-minute animated segment near the beginning showing how seals evolved from their land-dwelling ancestors; I found this unnecessary compared to the rest of the movie. Overall, better than most theatrical documentaries, and that alone is enough to recommend it. 

 

8/10 Potatoes

 

Spoiler

Invader Zim

Reviewing a movie like Invader Zim is, to put it bluntly, hard as *bleep*. This is not a movie that was made for critics. It was made for fans of the cult favorite Nickelodeon cartoon, whose characters adorn many a Hot Topic poster and backpack pin. No doubt they will flock to it. If I were to review this movie as a standalone work, I probably wouldn't "get it"-- but luckily I do have at least some experience with the show, and I can say that it does, at the very least, serve as a worthy companion to its surface material.

The story should be familiar to anyone who has watched the show. Zim, an alien invader, and his robot sidekick G.I.R., are forced to pose as a child and his dog in order to carry out an invasion of Earth. He's opposed by a conspiracy-theorist student named Dib, who is the only person who is ultimately convinced Zim is an alien. If you're a fan of the show, you'll love it. If you've never watched the show, you'll probably at least be able to understand the story, which is more than I can say for a lot of TV show adaptations. 

 

7/10 Potatoes

 

Spoiler

Acne

Nobody likes getting acne. If you're self-conscious about your appearance, the idea of a zit showing up on your face is a disturbing thought. It takes a truly, delightfully twisted mind, though, to turn a simple case of acne into material for a horror movie, and that's where Jake Hammond does what he does best. Acne is a horror movie for our times, a glimpse at the dark side of our social-media-obsessed world and the lengths some people will go to impress others, as well as the dangers of the body standards we place on women. 

The scariest part of this movie is that there's nothing supernatural happening at all-- every single piece of disturbing *bleep* that happens in it is something that could actually happen in real life, and could very well happen to people like Gina. That is scary. The real horror here isn't what Gina endures that drives her insane, but the fact that our beauty-obsessed society is in many ways responsible for it. Plenty of horror movies are exploitative, but this one truly wishes to put its money where its mouth is, and for that I have nothing but praise.

 

10/10 Potatoes

 

October

 

Spoiler

Warmth

I'm not sure what I was expecting going into Warmth. All I know is that I wasn't expecting it to be anything like the kind of movie it is. The plot? There isn't one--at least not the kind I can adequately summarize. This isn't a movie you watch for the plot. The main character's arc consists of a series of spiritual quests, culminating in musings about the nature of war and the human life cycle. I'm almost at a loss for how to judge it as a movie. I mean, *bleep*,  at least bad movies like Interceptors and Whinge and Cringe were bad in obvious ways. But Warmth is something new-- it's a totally different beast from the mass-produced output of modern cinema. And for that and that alone, I can respect it. 

A lot of the artistic choices made in Warmth, like filming it in black and white, feel like they were put in for the hell of it rather than because they served any real artistic function to the movie, but that's my only major gripe with Warmth. Perhaps I might not be so forgiving towards it if I had different expectations of it, but as it stands, I didn't really have any expectations at all. 

 

8/10 Potatoes

 

Spoiler

Mechamen

Well, well, well, what have we here? A movie about giant robots that isn't an anime adaptation? That's something you don't see every day. With the possible exception of last year's Frankenstein Jr. , giant robot movies haven't been doing too hot lately. Mechamen, on the other hand, clearly has franchise ambitions, what with all the brightly colored robots from different countries that the hero must fight in a United Nations tournament. The model kits, I imagine will sell themselves, assuming the movie is a success. And don't even get me started on the licensed video game. 

That's not to say Mechamen is objectively good, though. Once you see the hero's backstory, you can pretty much guess how the story is going to go-- the hero fights his way through the ranks of the tournament, and gets revenge for the death of his brother. This movie has a lot of strong areas, but originality isn't one of them. Neither is subtlety, for that matter. At some points, it feels like it's begging to be taken seriously as a work of cinematic art, but at others, it feels like it's perfectly content to be a movie about 70-foot robots beating the *bleep* out of each other. I don't hate Mechamen, but it's not the sort of movie I would give full marks to. It's a good way to kill a couple hours, but not much more than that.

 

6/10 Potatoes

 

Spoiler

Guinea Pigger

Zen riddle: How do you make a sequel to a *bleep* movie about an evil guinea pig? Ideally, the answer should not be "by making an even more *bleep* movie about an evil guinea pig. I've seen some less-than-stellar animated movies this year -- Dinosaucers, Molly and Emmett, and most of all Alakazam-- but Guinea Pigger just might be the worst of them. All those others at least had some mitigating aspect to them. Alakazam had an interesting premise that was just poorly executed. Molly and Emmett deserved a rating lower than G, but I suppose first-graders wouldn't mind. Dinosaucers probably appealed to fans of cheesy 80s cartoons. But Guinea Pigger? I've got nothing. None of the other animated movies I've seen this year come close to this pile of guinea pig droppings. Yes, I know it's a sequel. Yes, I've seen the first one. And no, I don't think the first one is any better. I expected better out of Phoenix Fire than this. 

 

2/10 Potatoes

 

 

 

Edited by El Squibbonator
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Spoiler

Grace and Mercy

It takes a special kind of talent to turn a viral news story into a truly heartfelt movie, and while Grace and Mercy doesn't succeed at this 100% of the time, it definitely pulls it off better than most. I went into this movie afraid it would be exploitative and trashy, taking advantage of its subject matter rather than respecting it, and I was pleasantly surprised to find out that I was wrong. I particularly appreciated the emphasis on hair-styling and its role in African-American culture, which is an element of the story that I don't think many audiences would have picked up on. In fact, I think writing about movies I like is harder than writing about movies I hate, because there's just not as much to say. Grace and Mercy is a good movie; go see it. Enough said. 

 

9/10 Potatoes


 

Spoiler

Ultraman: Dark Future

And so we go from an stellar TV adaptation to a *bleep* one. Ultraman: Dark Future is directed-- for lack of a better word-- by Jonathan Liebesman, who collaborated with Michael Bay on the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies. The same sort of quality, or lack thereof, is on display here. I've watched the original Ultraman TV show, and there is about as much similarity between it and this movie as there is between a cow and a pile of raw hamburger meat. By that, I mean this movie has been processed, had everything remotely interesting or unusual removed, and been reduced to an easily digestible slurry that doesn't ask anything of its audience. 

I'm desperately trying to find positive points to this movie. The CGI looks good, and some of the shot compositions are admittedly impressive. But that's not enough to redeem it, not by a long shot. Ultraman: Dark Future isn't even entertainingly bad, the way Interceptors was. It's boring. It fails as a standalone movie, it fails as an Ultraman adaptation, it fails at being ironically bad, it fails at being legitimately good. It's just plain bad, which is the very worst thing a movie can be. 

 

1/10 Potatoes 

 

Spoiler

Inspector Gadget and Penny

Ugh. . . another *bleep* TV adaptation? Now, before you ask, no, this movie isn't as bad as Ultraman: Dark Future. I don't think anything possibly could be. Inspector Gadget and Penny isn't necessarily good, per se, but it's at least interesting, which I suppose counts as a compliment. Despite the title, Gadget feels like a supporting character in his own movie at times, with Penny being the focus of the plot. Her story arc is actually a rather fascinating one, in which she begins to grow distant from her uncle because she feels he is claiming credit for cases she actually did most of the work solving. This sort of "break-up/make-up" is nothing new for family movies, of course, but it's still nice to see a more human side to Gadget and Penny's relationship. The comedy is clearly geared to the 12-and-under set, though there were a couple jokes I chuckled at. But the villainous Dr. Claw is by far the best part of the movie, and hams it up whenever he's on screen.

There are plenty of down-sides, though. If you're over the age of 12, you'll probably find the movie's sense of humor a chore to sit through, and a lot of the pop culture references are going to age like cheese in a few years. Gadget himself has always been a humorous character, but I found him to be almost unbearable at times here. And if this movie makes you want to root for Dr. Claw, I feel for you. Basically, it's harmless, but if you're not in the target audience, don't expect a lot of fun. 

 

5/10 Potatoes

 

 

Edited by El Squibbonator
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December

Spoiler

Father III: All Hell Breaks Loose

*Bleep* it, Infinite, what is with you people? First Johnny Test, then Meme Thieves, then HOOOOOPS, and now this piece of *bleep*? This firmly established Infinite as my least favorite movie studio in the world by far, since unlike some other studios with less-than-stellar records, they haven't produced a single good movie. 

I'm not going to dignify this movie with a summary, or a number rating for that matter. Every other movie I reviewed, I found at least some redeeming aspect about, no matter how insignificant, that kept it from getting a zero score. But doing that would be generous here. This is the image of terrible movies above and beyond. 

 

0/10 Potatoes

 

Spoiler

SSX Tricky

This is the movie that Gran Turismo was trying to be, a rip-roaring sports movie that faithfully adapts the game it was based on, to the extent that there is anything in a game like SSX Tricky to adapt. Filmed on-location in a number of popular snowboarding venues, including Vail, Colorado and Zermatt, Switzerland, it captures the spirit of the sport in a very well-researched manner. 
Of course, this isn't a movie without problems-- far from it. If you've seen any extreme sports movie, you already have a good idea of what the plot is going to be like, and the protagonists don't really get much personality outside of their respective archetypes. But while Gran Turismo simply indulged in its genre's cliches, SSX Tricky has enough self-awareness and creativity to still feel fresh. It also helps that it focuses on snowboarding, which is a sport that's had fewer movies made about it than car racing. That novelty alone is worth the price of ticket admission. 

 

7/10 Potatoes

 

Spoiler

Among Us

Honestly, if you were going to make a movie adaptation of Among Us-- probably one of the least "movie-friendly" video games ever made-- you could do worse than James GunnI'm not really privileged to spoil the movie's plot, seeing as, like the game it's based on, pretty much anything about it would ruin the fun. Suffice to say, this is not a movie you want any kind of spoilers for, and kudos to Groundswell for recognizing the aspect of the game that fans loved and managing to incorporate it into the movie so seamlessly. Of course, as a movie rather than an interactive game, we have to watch the story play out rather than directly participating in it, but that's a small complaint. 

Among Us is, like much of the rest of James Gunn's filmography, a fun movie. You enjoy yourself watching it. And while it does take some liberties with its source material, it mostly sticks close enough to it that fans probably won't mind, and neither will people who have never played the game. Gunn brings his A-game to this, just like he did for Guardians of the Galaxy and The Suicide Squad, and the result is very much the same.

 

10/10 Potatoes 

 

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And now, after lengthy consideration, my Top 25 favorites! Some of these movies aren't ones I picked for the review thread, that's because I ultimately liked them more. 

 

25. Invader Zim

24. Raven Island
23. Scales of Justice

22. Seals of Honor

21. Revenge Ex

20. The Mirage

19. War on Drugs: America's Modern Conflict

18. Super Monkey Ball

17. Warmth

16. Runaway Train

15. Tumbleweed

14. Kirby and the King's Caper

13. Red Rabbit

12. Vixen and the Castle of Doom

11. Sleepy Hollow

10. Tongue Tied

9. The Next Good Day

8. Heremias

7. Devil Bean

6. Matilda and the Night Children

5. Grace and Mercy

4. Among Us

3. Acne

2. Scythe

1. The Talons of the Hawk

 

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Could we see the grades for all the films you haven't reviewed? This is so every film in the Metacritic aggregate thread have a consistent quantity of scores attached to them.

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