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Alpha

Alpha's Reviews: Year 7 (Top 25 Finished)

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    Blankments Productions Presents

     

    A Michael Bay Film

     

    Thomas The Tank Engine

     

    I Can Hear My Childhood Dying. There It Goes, Floating Into The Heavens...

     

    I swear I was ready to kill Blank when he requested this be put this movie on the Advance Schedule. Michael Bay directing a Thomas The Tank Engine adaptation is like if One Direction, Justin Bieber, and Rebecca Black formed a rock band. Nothing but atrocity and stupidity as far as the eye can see. (Runs away to China to avoid future attacks by extremely feminine teenage girls). It killed my childhood to hear that Nicholas Cage was voicing Thomas and Eddie Murphy as Percy (James, the villain, is played by Michael Eklund, an unknown action star). So when the film was posted, I thought I was going to be seeing a giant dump on children's television. I was very surprised.

     

    I was right.

     

    Don't get me wrong, the movie is entertaining, but it's completely devoid of logic that you cringe at every single line of dialogue spoken, every single action is unintentionally hilarious, and every single freaking moment of the movie you are left wondering, "What the hell am I watching? Why did I pay $8 for a ticket to see this crap?" The acting is terrible, the writing is terrible, the effects are terrible. It's a complete disgrace to my childhood and I will curse Blank to this day for posting undeniably one of the worst ideas ever conceived of.

     

    The film has one advantage, and that it's very entertaining. You may be laughing your guts out at the cheesy dialogue and horrible effects (seriously, did the studio fork out $130 million to Michael Bay, just for him to pay for a comfortable director's chair and a bag of chips?), the sight of explosions and action galore is plenty eye candy, and will keep your attention the whole 3 hours throughout (yep, this movie is 167 minutes, or nearly 3 hours). That doesn't excuse it from being extremely bad in terms of logic, acting, writing, and effects, which makes this nothing but a pile of crap your dog squeezes out on the sidewalk in the park.

     

    The Verdict:

     

    3/10

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    What film are you going to review next?

     

    The Wanders or Narnia.

     

    And I may begin to review every single film by one member in one post, so I'll end up reviewing every film this year. And I'll fit the paragraphs into one.

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    I only managed to look over the first three movies in Part 1...

     

    Got to Numbers movie, saw it had 11k words, closed mozilla, crawled into a corner and started crying.

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    None of my finished films are 11k words long. Count again.Coming from the guy who planned to make heavy rain well over 20k words.

    Edited by 4815162342
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    Longest is JC which is a little under 9.7k.

     

    None of my finished films are 11k words long. Count again.Coming from the guy who planned to make heavy rain well over 20k words.

     

    I meant Julius Caesar... For some reason the number 11 is stuck in my head.

    I didn't mean like it was the longest movie ever, but in a way that I really wasn't in the mood for reading such a long movie. I didn't explain why, so I thought I'd just make a joke out of it.

     

    And... I planned, but I didn't ;)Thank you for that, by the way.

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    Well, here's the plan.

     

    I'll will review every film based on the first film posted and the last film posted.

     

    EDIT: Not really. The list of members' films reviewed will be right here.

     

    riczhang

    4815162342

    ChD

    Blankments

    Hiccup

    Spaghetti

    Alfred

     

    And depending on if they get their films done...

     

    Hunch

    Creator

    Impact

     

    Each post will be edited with a newly posted film from that member. All films will be reviewed, including fillers.

    Edited by Alpha
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    Unbalanced 4 3D

    O$corp Pictures Called Guernica Studios For Their Free Giant Spiders Addition

     

    Unlike it's predecessor's, Unbalanced 4 is in 3D. Unlike it's predecessor, Unbalanced 4 has a segment at the end featuring Giant Spiders, another horror baddie. Unlike it's predecessor, could Unbalanced 4 be a good film?

     

    The entries do what they should; be scary. FYI, Unbalanced is a franchise that instead of focusing on one subject matter, it is instead an anthology of horror stories. Past films have had scary stories (The original had "Smiley Man," Unbalanced 2 had "Sponge Bob"), some have dissapointed. Overall, every experience was "meh" (except for at the end of the original with the evil laugh. "Have fun sleeping tonight!"). The series hit it's low last year with Unbalanced 3, which I thought was chock-full of unoriginal and uninteresting stories. Seriously, a Slenderman story?

     

    This is a more polarizing film. Some of the stories were well-written and very scary (The Monster, Mr. Widemouth). Some of the stories are boring (The Creature, String Theory). I think the bigger event was the Giant Spiders story (essentially Giant Spiders 4). The Giant Spiders series was more of a darkly humorous series, something that Unbalanced isn't. It's nice, but only for publicity. I felt no reason why Hiccup included a Giant Spiders story. The story wasn't even that good either.

     

    Overall, it wasn't the horror film it should've been. Unbalanced 1 and 2 were decent films, but even this doesn't compare.

     

    The Verdict:

     

    4.5/10

    Edited by Alpha
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    Well, I'll do the fillers next. They won't be as long, and they'll be one post. If any new film is posted for January (since I plan on getting the full January month of reviews done tonight), I'll edit the post and make a reminder.

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