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Alpha's Reviews: Year 7 (Top 25 Finished)

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    Explosions and Half-Naked Attractive Ladies

    The Bayfest continues! And that means more terrible films! Explosions and Half-Naked Attractive Ladies is a self serious documentary about how Michael Bay makes his movies. Using, of course, explosions and half-naked attractive ladies. This could be one of the worst films I've come across. It's stupid and weird, and I hated it with my guts. Just shows you Michael Bay is one of the worst directors in modern cinema. 1/10

     

    Childhood Ruined

    Two things. I made this film. And I don't regret doing it. Also, it's stupid, but passable for what it is. A short, 20 word summary. 4/10

     

    Ice Station

    Ah, the January action thriller. Full of overused cliches and bad acting. It's better than that level, as the premise is quite interesting. I liked it, but there were things like meh acting and script. But anyways, decent flick. 6/10

     

    The Idiot

    And you thought Timur Bekambetov made action movies? Ha! Now he's transcending into drama, which doesn't work well for someone like Timur Bekambetov. Thankfully, it does. The acting is full of nobody but Russian actors, which throws a sense of reality  into the film. The premise is interesting, and it does have a nice flow and energy. I think this is one of those movies probably not a lot of people will see, but would still be a good movie. 6.5/10

     

    Coming Home

    Yay! A psychological thriller! We don't get one of those often. This one is actually pretty well conceived of. It has it's elements that downgrade it (the acting is sub-par along with the script), but it's a decent experience. 5.5/10

     

    Ping

    One thing to say. Adorable. Even the title makes you go "aww!" It's so cute I thought the theater would explode into a ball of fluff that fills up plush animals. 6/10

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    Unbalanced+Giant Spiders=$=Unbalanced 5 and GS5  ;)

     

    The equation.

     

    u = Unbalanced

    g = Giant Spiders

    m = money

     

    Multiply u by 4.

     

    4u

     

    Multiply g by 4, then multiply by 0.2. You get gs (Giant Spiders segment)

     

    4u + gs = m

     

    m = what is wrong with CAYOM's box office results :P

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    Darn, I really want Explosions and Half-Naked Attractive Ladies to be nominated for Best Documentary.... ;)

     

    Like I just learned today, don't get your hopes too high.

     

     

    Amulet- The Amulet is long for an animated film, boring at times, the plot sometimes ridicules, and Bryan Singer’s direction is mediocre and this all hurts the film a lot. The only redeeming quality is that the cast is pretty good. The Amulet should entertain families during the typically quiet month of August. 

     

    5.8/10

     
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    Eh... I learned that dreams do come true. ;) Case in point:

     

    Bone: Solstice- More enjoyable and fun than the first, the second installment of the Bone graphic novel series boosts an excellent voice cast and plot line. The film had an exciting and fast moving plot line, which will entertain both adults and child, however not too young children. The 3D was good and added to the film in a good way. Definitely a great film for boring and dull month February.

     

    8.7/10

     

     

    Justice League- A dazzling, fun, and action packed blockbuster film, Justice League doesn’t live quite up to expectations but it certainly doesn’t disappoint. The acting and plot line are good for the most part but the film relies too heavily on spectacular visuals and action sequences to amazing its audience.  I didn’t lot like Dwayne Johnson in this film at all….at all. Bradley Cooper and Armie Hammer were the best major actors in the film. 

     

    8.5/10

     

     

    LucIId- With a fantastic cast (big nod to Andrew Garfield), state-of-the-art production design, intriguing storyline, and great visuals, this sequel leaps ahead of its predecessor and is a must see summer sci-fi flick. 

     

    8.8/10

     

    Posted Image

     

     

     

    ;)

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    Penumbra

    Wait, That Game That PewDiePie Plays When He Starts To Lose Subs? Oh.

     

    Out of all the survival horror games available at your local game store in the discount bin, or for free online, Penumbra has been one of the more commercially successful ones. It has spawned three games, and has been praised by gaming critics for its eeire atmosphere. So seeing box office success in this franchise, up and coming studio Golden Age Films adapted this into a cheap, $14 million flick starring complete unknowns. Did it turn out well?

     

    Let's just say, no. It didn't. I didn't find the creepy atmosphere intended in the film at all. There is only two characters in the film, Phillip and "Red." Phillip is the protagonist, and unfortunately his storyline didn't piece together like it should have. Red had a much more interesting character, but not much else. The twist ending is nothing but a cliffhanger, and it feels like it's only rolling on bankability from franchise fame. This was a meh horror movie, and not much else.

     

    The Verdict:

     

    5/10

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    So here is the full list for January! (and the two other films I've reviewed)

     

    Heavy Rain - 7.5/10

    The Idiot - 6.5/10

    The Special Effects Team - 6.5/10

    Ice Station - 6/10

    Ping - 6/10

    Coming Home - 5.5/10

    Penumbra - 5/10

    Unbalanced 4 3D - 4.5/10

    Childhood Ruined - 4/10

    Thomas The Tank Engine - 3/10

    Explosions and Half-Naked Attractive Ladies - 1/10

     

    Best Film Of The Year: Heavy Rain

    Worst Film Of The Year: Explosions and Half-Naked Attractive Ladies

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    So here is the full list for January! (and the two other films I've reviewed)

     

    Heavy Rain - 7.5/10

    The Idiot - 6.5/10

    The Special Effects Team - 6.5/10

    Ice Station - 6/10

    Ping - 6/10

    Coming Home - 5.5/10

    Penumbra - 5/10

    Unbalanced 4 3D - 4.5/10

    Childhood Ruined - 4/10

    Thomas The Tank Engine - 3/10

    Explosions and Half-Naked Attractive Ladies - 1/10

     

    Best Film Of The Year: Heavy Rain

    Worst Film Of The Year: Explosions and Half-Naked Attractive Ladies

     

     

    Best Film Of The Year: Heavy Rain

     

    I guess it's the best movie so far, right? 

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    The Best Foot Porno Of All Time

    Kevin Smith, what have you become? The fact it cost $20 million to make something like this baffles me to an extreme. 1/10

     

    Flying Spaghetti Monster The Great and Holy

    This is propaganda for the Flying Spaghetti Church. PROPAGANDA I SAY! ALL I KNOW NOW IS O$CORP PICTURES EXECUTIVES ARE NOTHING BUT FAT NEO-PASTAS! 2.5/10

     

    We Are The Champions

    A generic sports movie, and not much else. It was...heartwarming. Again, not much else though. 5/10

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    Walking With You

    The Top Text Is Hard To Read. Sucks For You.

     

    So, one thing about this film. It's not your average hokey romantic drama. Especially the ones that open near Valentine's Day. Trust me, this could have been an absolute trainwreck, especially with the post-apocalyptic setting. It could have joined the list of forgettable Valentine's Day movies that your girlfriend drags you to see (Note: Very common with romance movies that star Channing Tatum). It could have been, well, like every single other Valentine's Day movie.

     

    Turns out it was the exact opposite. I really enjoyed this movie. The acting isn't perfect, but definitely good, especially Olivia Wilde, who should be considered as the year's best performance so far (well, it's only February, so...). The pacing is great, and you don't lose attention at all. The only thing that seemed to be a drag is the ending, which wasn't that good. I won't spoil it, but it felt sub-par. Other than that, if your girlfriend does drag you to see this movie, at least this time you'll be entertained.

     

    The Verdict:

     

    8/10

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