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Alpha's Reviews: Year 7 (Top 25 Finished)

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    Okay, so I've read 20 films so far, and I'm behind on reviews. So instead I'm going to read all of Part 1, and then I'll be up with my Top 25, once I'm done. For the Top 25, it will be ordered by release date of the movie. The Top 5 will be unveiled in a more formal fashion.

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    So I've skimmed through all of the fillers for this year, and a few short write-ups too. The last movies left on my list are some of the OCs, which should hopefully change my list up. Any predictions?

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    The order of my Top 25 Countdown:

     

    - The Bottom 15 Worst Movies of the Year

    - Spots 11-25 and Honorable Mentions

    - Top 10 Countdown

    - Player Awards

     

    And now, to kick off Alpha Reviews' glorious Top 25 Countdown...

     

    THE BOTTOM 15 WORST MOVIES OF THE YEAR

     

    15. The Golden Legend: The Knight of Fire

    In what could have been an entertaining crowd-pleaser is instead a boring romp. Nothing in this movie flows, and everything from the writing to the direction is flat out disappointing. Courtesy of Sam Raimi, who can obviously do better based on what I've seen from him in the past.

     

    14. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreaufuls

    Energy can not be found in this let down of a sequel. There's not much to improve from anyway, but this next installment is nothing but bad.

     

    13. Taylor Swift: Sparks Fly

    Does Taylor Swift deserve TWO concert movies? No she doesn't. Since there's not much new information on the not-really-country-anymore vocalist, there's nothing to ride on but fame.

     

    12. PSY: I'm A Gentleman!

    PSY is a one-hit wonder. "Gangnam Style" was an upbeat, hip dance K-pop song that topped the charts and gave what was once a K-pop rapper no one heard of in the United States to a worldwide phenomenon. This gave the last film, PSY: Sorry For Gangnam Styling a more interesting backstory, which sadly cannot be found in PSY: I'm A Gentleman!.

     

    11. 3:39 AM

    Another scare-free installment in the "Create Your Own 3:XX Movie" franchise. Seriously, do they have to use the same structure for every movie?

     

    10. Thomas The Tank Engine

    My childhood died with this movie, and I'm pretty sure yours will too. Aside from being nothing but 3 hours of explosions, bad acting and David Henrie, there's not much else but the innocent, heart-felt attitude of the original series being brutally murdered by Michael Bay.

     

    9. The Wanders

    The beginning two-thirds of the movie were actually quite interesting, but the last 30 minutes is nothing but an abomination. It feels like two movies trying to be mushed into one. Someone grab me an X-Acto knife to split the two movies apart.

     

    8. Tears of a Tiger

    Yeah, we all know Tyler Perry can't direct drama. This movie shows his weakness of not being able to craft an interesting story and instead give us the generic drama it is.

     

    7. Journey

    You want boring, you got boring. It's just a girl walking around a desert, for no reason other than to find some serpent bullcrap that serves as the only reason the audience should care about this movie. There's an hour and a half of my life I'll never get back.

     

    6. Flying Spaghetti Monster the Great and Holy

    This is a stupid idea to begin with. Nothing more.

     

    5. Crusader

    Proof once again that action movies are on a downward spiral to the gutter. It would've been a direct-to-video release had Hourglass Pictures decided to take up that late February spot.

     

    4. A Comedy

    I'm sorry guys. But it had to be made. We needed a movie on that April 7 spot. Here you go.

     

    3. Explosions and Half-Naked Attractive Ladies

    Michael Bay's life in a nutshell. Disturbing and psychotic at the very least, with nothing but, as the title proudly exclaims, explosions and half-naked attractive ladies.

     

    2. The Best Foot Porno of All Time

    This is the best foot porno of all time, but since it's the only foot porno of all time, that makes it qualify as the WORST foot porno of all time.

     

    1. Ke$ha: Animal, Cannibal, Warrior

    Ke$ha is a disgusting human being who can't sing or act like a normal person, which makes this the worst movie of the year, and possibly one of the worst movies I've read since beginning my CAYOM career in Year 5.

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    Unfortunately my first 11-25 movie came out on February 10. Meaning January was full of rotten crap. Anyways, here it is.

     

    12. Walking With You

     

    A romantic drama that worked. This is partly thanks to the post-apocalyptic environment, which creates an interesting and thought-provoking setting, but giving us characters to actually care about, which all in all provide an ultimately satisfying experience.

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    The next movie came out on February 17. And it is...

     

    20. Bone - Solstice

     

    Entertaining, to say the least. The animation is nicely crafted, along with the characters and storyline. While the first Bone (which I read before joining the game) was an overall better movie, Genndy Tartakovsky knows how to create a movie that connects with the audience.

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    It took a long time for Hollywood to craft another great film. This one came out on March 10.

     

    HM. Frindle

     

    Andrew Clements was my favorite author as a child, and Frindle was my favorite book from him. This adaptation stays faithful to the book, and gave me a chance to appreciate Clements' work once again. Unfortunately, so many other good movies came out this year that it placed as an honorable mention. But oh well.

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    Here's another great movie, that came out the weekend of April 14. It premiered at the first annual CAYOM Festival, where it recieved praise from judges. This movie is...

     

    23. Blank

     

    This movie was a thrilling experience, and the direction and acting is nothing short of great. It's not one of the best, but it does deserve some recognition. Well done Numbers.

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    This baby kicked off the summer season to a nice start, on May 5. This film was...

     

    HM. Justice League

     

    It didn't place on my list mainly because it felt too much like The Avengers, which gave a sense of deja vu. But it was good in every other department. And for that, it is an Honorable Mention.

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    May 26 provided us with a good movie. This movie was...

     

    21. Miserable Fans

     

    Les Miserables is a film/book/musical/play that desperately needed a parody because of how melodramatic yet truthful it was. Miserable Fans not only does that, but gives a very good outlook at the animation industry, giving Les Miserables a very modern look.

     

    And as it appears now, I'm talking to myself. So I'll let comments flow in for now.

     

    THE LIST SO FAR:

     

    12. Walking With You

    20. Bone - Solstice

    21. Miserable Fans

    23. Blank

     

    HM. Frindle

    HM. Justice League

    Edited by Victorious Iron Alpha
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    This next one came out on June 2, and opened the first annual CAYOM Film Festival with a bang. This film was...

     

    22. Spark 2: Ignition

     

    Most sequels have a hard time succeeding in being as good as their predecessor, and Spark 2 had that problem. However, Spark 2 still was an entertaining thrill-ride that you won't wanna miss.

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    A sequel to a Year 5 film, this came out on June 16. This movie was...

     

    HM. LucIId

     

    A confusing, but interesting and entertaining thrill ride. I loved the first Lucid, and while I can't say LucIId was better, LucIId was still better than the average popcorn movie.

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    This one came out a week later, on June 23. Here it is.

     

    HM. The Blue Belt

     

    I fought box office wars with Alfred on this one on the early schedule, and while I found it disappointing and rather excruciating that I flinched against an artsy Nordic tale, this movie was still likable. Everything about this movie was good, but not great unfortunately.

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    Ooh, yes! TWO good movies came out July 7. These movies were...

     

    HM. The Scottsboro Boys

     

    The Scottsboro Boys is a period musical that for some reason Seth McFarlane is directing. Funny at times, but deep down it gives you a nice message about civil rights, and some nice acting too. A better-than-average piece of work from Seth McFarlane.

     

    and...

     

    19. Top Gear Adventures: Our'Nam

     

    I've unfortunately never seen Top Gear, but my friend has. He says it's an entertaining show, and this movie pretty much solidifies that. Everything about this movie is fun. A thrill! Every time you are excited, waiting for where the hosts will go next. Possibly the next Jackass, if not already.

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    Coming next on July 14, the only release on that date.

     

    16. The 39 Clues: The Sword Thief

     

    If there's one movie franchise you should take you kids to see every time, it's The 39 Clues. It's a thrill ride with every movie, and this one is no different. Everything is paced as it should, and the acting is pretty good too. It's worth the $20 you might pay for IMAX.

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    Next up, on July 21. And as a hint...he's...

     

    HM. The Boy In The Watchtower

     

    It's a very heartbreaking tale, of a boy who can't seem to make his way through society because of a greedy Lord, who keeps him in a tower for life (cough...Rapunzel...cough). The story is spot on, and the characters are easy to connect with. Definitely worth some notation.

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