Blankments

Lydia: We made it to Best Picture. Ted: Ladies first. Lydia: Ted - Ted: Kidding! The first nominee is...

Lydia: Now, Ted is going to introduce the comparable category, because that's how society works for men and women. Ted: You're getting feisty, I can tell. But we can hash it out backstage. The nominees for Best Actress are...

Lydia: As always in the field of awards, we will begin with the men. Ted: Well, saving the best for last, right? Lydia: Don't patronize me. Ted: Sorry. Lydia: The nominees for Best Actor are...

Ted: This is when we'd banter about how we're both leaders in our retrospective fields. Lydia: But we did that already two categories ago. Ted: All I'll say is it takes a lot to wrangle in a production of any kind and size. Lydia: And these five directors did it the best in the last year. Ted: The nominees for Best Director are..

Lydia: One of the few things Ted and I have in common is we're both parents. Ted: And being a parent means we see a lot of cartoons. Lydia: But as I've quickly learned in this new stage of my career, animation isn't merely for children. It, like video games, is an artform that makes people of all ages fill with joy. Ted: Also, I'll be the first to admit it: I cried at every single animated movie I saw last year. Lydia: Wow. Well, I didn't. Anyway, here are the nominees for Best Animated Feature...

Lydia: We got six awards left and we're officially overtime! Ted: Does that mean we end in a tie? Lydia: This isn't soccer, Ted! We have to up our tempo! Ted: Regardless of if you're an orchestra conductor or a European football coach, you're in charge of a large group of people who need to excel. Lydia: The ensemble, so to say. Ted: Yup. The nominees for Best Ensemble are...

Lydia: Do you know what the strangest thing about being cancelled is? Ted: I'm not sure I want to answer this. Lydia: Oh, I'm going somewhere with this. You'll have supporters if you ever get cancelled, Ted. I have supporters. Ted: Oh, I know. Lydia: Do you know what their rallying cry is? Ted: Can't say I do. Lydia: They'll walk up to me in the street and say just four words to me: "Lydia Tár is real." Ted: Huh. That's weird. Lydia: I can't say I understand it either. Nevertheless, these next three films all seek to educate those who watch them about what is real in this world of misinformation. The nominees for Best Documentary Feature are...

Ted: When we look at the plays at the office, I often have Coach Beard edit them down so we can do a ton at once. Lydia: Is that actually effective? Ted: Well, look at our record and tell me. Lydia: Ummm. I'll go off your word. Ted: Anyway, the nominees for Best Film Editing are...

Lydia: Ted promised me he wouldn't interrupt me for this category. Despite my caginess earlier, it's well-known my Oscar was for Best Original Score. Ted: Because you don't write songs, right? Lydia: Ted! Ted: Sorry, sorry. Lydia: These nominees have an opportunity to potentially join - or re-join - a long pantheon of great composers, among them John Williams, Alfred Newman, and of course, me. And even if they don't go on to win, do you know who was nominated for this category but never won? Ted: Who? Lydia: My great mentor, Leonard Bernstein. The nominees joining him as Best Original Score nominees are...

Lydia: Ted, I'm going to try to be you for a second. Ted: Okay, let's see this is going... Lydia: In soccer, do your athletes always follow the plays precisely to the book? Ted: No, it's not like music where they have total control; they're playing against other competitors. Lydia: Interesting! Would you say they have to adapt the plays then? Ted: Ohhh!! I see it now! Ooh that's good. Lydia: Thank you, thank you. Ted: The nominees for Best Adapted Screenplay are...

Lydia: Our next two categories go hand-in-hand with each other. Ted: Now, Lydia, you do have an Oscar right? Was it in Original Song or Original Score? Lydia: Oh, Ted, I appreciate the attempted transition to make it about me, but these are not the music categories. Ted: Well, you won an Oscar in an Original category, is my point, right? Lydia: Correct! So it's my pleasure to announce the nominees for Best Original Screenplay. They are...

Ted: Do you have your musicians wear uniforms? Lydia: Oh, just simple formal wear. Nothing official, really. Ted: My players all wear the same clothes. Lydia: Well, yes, Ted, that's how sports work. Ted: I wish they could show off their individuality on the field more though! Why can't they wear tank tops if they want to? Lydia: I don't know. Can you just read the category? Ted: Oh, my bad. The nominees for Best Costume Design are...

Lydia: Let's try to move through things quicker so Ted doesn't say anything stupid again. Ted: Mmm, probably a good idea. Lydia: A good performer needs her makeup and hair done. Even conductors do this too. Ted: And soccer coaches! Lydia: What? Ted: Do you think this moustache combs itself? Lydia: I'm not answering that. The nominees for Best Makeup and Hairstyling are...

Lydia: I can't believe you mentioned an ongoing legal case during a live ceremony. Ted: I'm sorry, I know I agreed not to before we did this. Lydia: It was probably going to come up anyway. Lord knows why they asked me to do this. Probably because they wanted two people who have gone "viral" before. Ted: Our names do both trend a lot. Lydia: Ted, just go on. We need to go back to making simple banter then being hung up on this. Ted: Good idea! As the use of motion-capture and animation becomes more prolific, you need a captain for the team of voices in your movie. The nominees for Best Voice Actor/Actress in a Leading Role are...

Lydia: Ted, I feel just horrid for assuming the worst of you. Ted: Oh, it's okay. I assumed the worst of you too. I've read the articles about you and your student, what was her name - Lydia: And back to presenting! Our next category is Best Sound Editing. Much like how I hope they edit out Ted's comment from the broadcast. Ted: Lydia, I got bad news for you. This is live. Lydia: The nominees are...

Ted: Why didn't you want to read this category? Lydia: Oh, Ted, I just knew you'd make a comment about how I pulled a really great stunt last year when I tackled Eliot in Berlin. Ted: Lydia, do you think I make cheap shots like that? You've been working to get your life back on track, right? Lydia: Sure, but - Ted: Your business is your business. The only action I care about are in this next category. The nominees for Best Use of Action are...

Ted: This next one's all you Lydia. Lydia: (stares at teleprompter) No, Ted you can do that one next. Ted: Oh, okay, well - Lydia: No, it's still my turn. I'll just read the next category, which is a much bigger one, worthy of my stature. Ted: You're not wrong there. Lydia: Every orchestra is designed to have solo, and leads, but what is often underrated is people who aren't first chair, who support the rest of the ensemble. The nominees for Best Supporting Actor are...

Ted: Lydia, do you like bowling? Lydia: Ted, what on Earth are you talking about? Ted: I love to bowl. It's a great way to build a team and it's a load of fun. One of my favorite parts of bowling are the weird cartoon screens that appear when you get a strike or a gutter ball. Lydia: Is that where this was leading? The bad computer-animated bowling balls?? Ted: Yeah! The following movies contained no poorly rendered bowling balls, pins, or alleys. Lydia: Ted, are you actually serious right now? I can't - Ted: The nominees for Best Visual Effects are...

Lydia: As you might've noticed, Ted here can't take a hint and just read the teleprompter. Ted: Oh, I took the hint. I just chose to tuck it in the back for later. Lydia: Mm. Okay. Well, these next actors kept to the script and are about to get some good credit for that. The nominees for Best Voice Actor/Actress in a Supporting Role are...

Ted Now, Lydia here like to compose the music - Lydia: Conduct. Ted: Right. But I like to listen to it. Lydia: Where are you going with this? Ted: Honestly, I lost my train of thought. But hey, music! With words! Nominees for Best Original Song are...

Lydia: Now I believe it is better to be seen than heard, so our next category I will be announcing is - Ted: Hold up. Aren't you a conductor? Don't you want your music to be heard? Lydia: I want my musicians' music to be heard. I believe the job of a conductor is to coach and otherwise be silent. Ted: Ooh, I felt that one. Sorry. Lydia: The nominees for Best Cinematography are...

Ted: Lot of cool sets in those movies! I wish I could tour them, go to Westeros and the like. Lydia: Ted, don’t you ever just read the teleprompter and move on? Ted: Ooooh, you sound like Rebecca! Alright, alright, the nominees for Best Sound Mixing are…

Lydia: Congrats to those nominees. I cherish the memory of my first Oscar nom… Ted: And now you’re going to look back on your first Oscar nomination announcing kindly too! Lydia: …Sure. The nominees for Best Production Design are…

ANNOUNCER: Please welcome your hosts for this afternoon, EGOT Winner Lydia Tár.... ...And award winning coach for AFC Richmond, Ted Lasso! (Lydia Tár and Ted Lasso enter to take the mics.) Lydia: We know what you're thinking. Ted: "Those two don't have anything to do with the movies of last year!" And you're right! Lydia: What we do both have is an appreciation for the art of cinema? Ted: I watch the Oscars every year! Lydia: And I do not. But frankly, when the offer came in to announce the Oscars this year, I couldn't turn down that great honor. Ted: Yup! And the honor's all mine to announce the first award. Lydia: Starting with a big one, aren't you, Ted? Ted: The nominees for Best Supporting Actress are...

The votes have been tallied. The nominations will be announced Tuesday, February 28 at 12pm CST. See you then.