Baywatch (2017)

[Webslinger]

This was pretty bad; it even edges out Bright and Fifty Shades Darker as the worst 2017 release I've seen. In lieu of a traditional mini-review, I'm just going to bring up a few of the many "Why?" questions I had while watching.

 

- Why does Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson display no charisma whatsoever? He has such a magnetic screen presence that he can rescue lame films when they start to go off the rails, like Central Intelligence. Not this time, though.

 

- Why does the film take the time to set up cliche-laden arcs in the first half only to completely abandon them in the second?

 

- Why does this thing go so action-heavy? The action scenes aren't impressive and have no heft to speak of.

 

- Why even bother with the Ronnie character? Again: his arc ceases to matter about halfway through and he's a thoroughly annoying character with no redeeming qualities. Furthermore: Why is C.J. attracted to him? It's not his personality and it's sure as hell not his appearance... (Furthermore: Why does this thing try to lazily inject ever-so-brief snippets of feminist commentary when the camera lingers on its female stars' cleavage?)

 

- Why doesn't the film try harder to be at least somewhat more self-aware? Source material as ridiculous as Baywatch begs for an adaptation that leans so hard on the fourth wall that one wonders whether it's going to collapse.

 

- Why do the characters keep repeating jokes that barely worked the first time? When The Rock referred to Zac Efron as High School Musical, I chuckled a little bit; when he continued to rattle off every teenybopper name and/or property he could think of, I just groaned.

 

- Why do none of the stars have chemistry with one another? The bloopers make it look like they all had a great time on the set, so how does none of it translate to the actual movie?

 

D

Edited January 15, 2018 by Webslinger

[Jay Beezy]

On 1/15/2018 at 1:25 AM, Webslinger said:

This was pretty bad; it even edges out Bright and Fifty Shades Darker as the worst 2017 release I've seen. In lieu of a traditional mini-review, I'm just going to bring up a few of the many "Why?" questions I had while watching.

 

- Why does Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson display no charisma whatsoever? He has such a magnetic screen presence that he can rescue lame films when they start to go off the rails, like Central Intelligence. Not this time, though.

 

- Why does the film take the time to set up cliche-laden arcs in the first half only to completely abandon them in the second?

 

- Why does this thing go so action-heavy? The action scenes aren't impressive and have no heft to speak of.

 

- Why even bother with the Ronnie character? Again: his arc ceases to matter about halfway through and he's a thoroughly annoying character with no redeeming qualities. Furthermore: Why is C.J. attracted to him? It's not his personality and it's sure as hell not his appearance... (Furthermore: Why does this thing try to lazily inject ever-so-brief snippets of feminist commentary when the camera lingers on its female stars' cleavage?)

 

- Why doesn't the film try harder to be at least somewhat more self-aware? Source material as ridiculous as Baywatch begs for an adaptation that leans so hard on the fourth wall that one wonders whether it's going to collapse.

 

- Why do the characters keep repeating jokes that barely worked the first time? When The Rock referred to Zac Efron as High School Musical, I chuckled a little bit; when he continued to rattle off every teenybopper name and/or property he could think of, I just groaned.

 

- Why do none of the stars have chemistry with one another? The bloopers make it look like they all had a great time on the set, so how does none of it translate to the actual movie?

 

D

I can answer all of these with one answer:

 

I didn’t write the script. 

 

EDIT: On second thought, there’s another answer to go along with my first: moronic studio heads who think it’s okay to change what a movie is willy nilly.

Edited January 17, 2018 by Jay Beezy