Rorschach
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Posts posted by Rorschach
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@Cayom Magazine
Lager Pictures has slated two untitled tentpole films for June 30th and November 5th of Y11. At this time, no information about the two mystery films has been revealed, but the studio did confirm that both films are intended for IMAX releases and will release trailers for both films on the day of the Y10 Oscars ceremony – though only one will be submitted for the broadcast, the other will be posted online.
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- Bambi (1942)
- Princess Mononoke (1997)
- WALL-E (2008)
- Ed Wood (1994)
- Scream (1996)
- Whisper of the Heart (1995)
- The Incredibles (2004)
- The Prestige (2006)
- Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl (2003)
- Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World (2003)
- The Straight Story (1999)
- Avatar: The Way of Water (2022)
- Pinocchio (1940)
- Toy Story 2 (1999)
- Toy Story (1995)
- Jackie Brown (1997)
- Aladdin (1992)
- The Lion King (1994)
- Finding Nemo (2003)
- Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest (2006)
- Call Me by Your Name (2017)
- Fantasia (1940)
- Monsters, Inc. (2001)
- The Empty Man (2020)
- Beauty and the Beast (1991)
- Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988)
- Starship Troopers (1997)
- Dead Poets Society (1989)
- No Country for Old Men (2007)
- Lilo and Stitch (2002)
- The Wind Rises (2013)
- The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993)
- Toy Story 3 (2010)
- Tangled (2010)
- Face/Off (1997)
- The Sixth Sense (1999)
- When Marnie Was There (2014)
- The Emperor’s New Groove (2000)
- Luca (2021)
- Wendy (2020)
- The Village (2004)
- City of God (2003)
- West Side Story (2021)
- Howl’s Moving Castle (2004)
- Tarzan (1999)
- The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (1977)
- Mary Poppins (1964)
- There Will Be Blood (2007)
- Shaolin Soccer (2001)
- Apocalypto (2006)
- The Faculty (1998)
- Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2017)
- The French Dispatch (2021)
- Barbarian (2022)
- Sleeping Beauty (1959)
- Peter Pan (1953)
- A Goofy Movie (1995)
- Up (2009)
- Turning Red (2022)
- The Banshees of Inisherin (2022)
- Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End (2007)
- Guardians of the Galaxy (2014)
- Ratatouille (2007)
- The Little Mermaid (1989)
- Alice in Wonderland (1951)
- Soul (2020)
- The Last Duel (2021)
- Chungking Express (1994)
- Scream 2 (1997)
- 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954)
- Kill Bill Vol. 1 (2003)
- Sin City (2005)
- Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937)
- Spirited Away (2001)
- Coco (2017)
- Encanto (2021)
- Bad Santa (2003)
- Amelie (2001)
- Moana (2016)
- Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015)
- The Cat Returns (2002)
- Iron Man 3 (2013)
- The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (2005)
- Treasure Planet (2002)
- Insomnia (2002)
- O Brother, Where Art Thou? (2000)
- The Rocketeer (1991)
- Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)
- Scary Movie (2000)
- Kill Bill Vol. 2 (2004)
- Lady and the Tramp (1955)
- A Bug’s Life (1998)
- Fantasia 2000 (1999)
- One Hundred and One Dalmatians (1961)
- Black Panther (2018)
- The Secret World of Arrietty (2012)
- The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1996)
- James and the Giant Peach (1996)
- Ponyo (2009)
- Pulp Fiction (1994)
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7 minutes ago, Eric George said:
Just a reminder to everybody that you have until this Tuesday to submit your list for the Disney 100 countdown. You have to PM in order for it to count, and you just need a minimum of 10. So you have no excuse not to participate!
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Also, gonna bump the Telegram chat again in case anyone who’s not already in it wants to join.
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Nowhere close to being done with my yearly catch-up but here's how my current list stands:
1. Skinamarink
2. The Boy and the Heron
3. Oppenheimer
4. Suzume
5. The Holdovers
6. Godzilla Minus One
7. The Iron Claw
8. The Killer
9. Anatomy of a Fall
10. May December
11. How to Blow Up a Pipeline
12. Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse
13. John Wick: Chapter 4
14. Asteroid City
15. Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret
16. Poor Things
17. Blackberry
18. Air
19. Saw X
20. Talk to Me
21. Knock at the Cabin
22. TMNT: Mutant Mayhem
23. Showing Up
24. Past Lives
25. Passages
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20 minutes ago, ddddeeee said:
I'm always rooting for him, but I have no faith in him. Dumbo broke me. He also did the unimaginable and directed a bad performance from Keaton.
Yeah, that was a rough sit. Nothing more soul-crushing than watching a director whose early work you admire sell out so badly. I do hope that film bombing hard was a wake-up call for him to actually try again. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.
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1 hour ago, ddddeeee said:
Burton's been trying to make Beetlejuice 2 since the early 90s. It pops up every now and again, and then it dies because they 'couldn't get it right'.
I don't trust Burton's tastes anymore, but I think his heart's in this one. If anything, I'd assume he used Wednesday's success to make it happen. They tried getting it up and running again in 2019 and then it died. Fast-forward three years, Wednesday is a phenomenon and then it gets the greenlight.
I know the plot and it's surprisingly decent. It's a nice mix of old and new with lots of fun material for Dafoe/Keaton. Ortega/Ryder/O Hara are the heart of it. It's quite a sweet story of three generations of women learning to understand each other. It reminded me of Halloween 2018.
Man, I hope you’re right. I would give anything for another truly great Burton film. His run from the 80s to 90s is my peak comfort food (Sleepy Hollow is pretty much a mandatory yearly Halloween watch for me lol). If there’s anyone who’s overdue for a return to form, it’s him.
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January
Sony vs. Nintendo - $5 mil OW / $18 mil DOM / $24 mil WW
Puckshot - $8 mil OW / $28 mil DOM /$34 mil WW
The Scavenger Wars Remastered - $9 mil OW /$23 mil DOM / $29 mil WW
Money Heist - $32 mil (3-day OW) / $38 mil (4-day OW) / $114 mil DOM / $330 mil WW
Tailypo - $21 mil (3-day OW) / $25 mil (4-day OW) / $69 mil DOM / $150 mil WW
Toppings: A Pizza Romance - $13 mil OW /$25 mil DOM / $40 mil WW
Operation Finality - $33 mil OW / $96 mil DOM / $353 mil WW
February
Viva Las Vengeance: The Cinematic Experience - $4 mil OW / $10 mil DOM / $12 mil WW
Room 131 - $17 mil (3-day OW) / $20 mil (4-day OW) / $44 mil DOM / $71 mil WW
The Valkyries vs. The Galaxy - $58 mil (3-day OW) / $75 mil (4-day OW) / $232 mil DOM / $764 mil WW
The Legend of Hollis Brown - $12 mil OW / $42 mil DOM / $70 mil WW
A Ghost Tail - $6 mil OW / $15 mil DOM / $17 mil WW
March
Speed Demon - $14 mil OW / $35 mil DOM / $67 mil WW
Klonoa: Door to the Phantomile - $39 mil OW / $132 mil DOM / $356 mil WW
Gran Turismo 2 - $27 mil OW / $75 mil DOM / $166 mil WW
Lions and Dragons - $23 mil OW / $63 mil DOM / $156 mil WW
April
Father vs. Son - $31 mil (3-Day OW) / $35 mil (4-Day OW) / $45 mil (6-Day OW) / $110 mil DOM / $189 mil WW
Cruis’n World - $28 mil (3-Day) / $32 mil (4-Day) / $84 mil DOM / $296 mil WW
The Enormous Radio - $15 mil OW / $51 mil DOM / $140 mil WW
Penpal - $18 mil OW / $56 mil DOM / $106 mil WW
Stallions - $6 mil / $18 mil DOM / $24 mil WW
May
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas - $55 mil OW / $136 mil DOM / $275 mil WW
Time After Time - $11 mil OW / $33 mil DOM / $69 mil WW
Doraemon - $28 mil OW / $87 mil DOM / $185 mil WW
The Set-Up - $21 mil (3-day OW) / $26 mil (5-day OW) / $91 mil DOM / $177 mil WW
DC’s The Siege of Savage - $103 mil (3-day OW) / $126 mil (4-day OW) / $309 mil DOM / $870 mil WW
12 Angry Veggies: A VeggieTales Movie - $11 mil OW / $38 mil DOM / $43 mil WW
June
Old Men Walking - $24 mil OW / $79 mil DOM / $237 mil WW
Flesh - $16 mil OW / $40 mil DOM / $75 mil WW
LittleBigPlanet - $30 mil OW / $100 mil DOM / $248 mil WW
Berserk: The Golden Age - $95 mil OW / $282 mil DOM / $608 mil WW
The Secret That Love Brings - $4 mil OW / $13 mil DOM / $21 mil WW
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June
Old Men Walking
SpoilerFor an Adam Sandler joint, this is quite an enjoyable romp. While the body-swapping premise is nothing new, the film takes ample advantage of it where it most matters. Watching Sandler and Schwarzenegger portray teenage girls (a la Jack Black in Jumanji) is an amusing concept that the film gets some good mileage from. It’s nothing special – I probably won’t be thinking about it at all by the end of the year – but for what it is, I can’t complain much.
Flesh
SpoilerI never got a chance to review any of Squib’s films from last year because none of them made my top or worst lists so I think I’ll use this review to voice a shared criticism that I’m pretty sure a few others have already commented on.
First of all, I do greatly appreciate that there’s a studio in this game dedicated to producing lower-budget animated films from unknown talent. I honestly think that’s pretty cool and I encourage Squib to keep making them. My main issue, which I know others have noted before me, is that the use of fictional voice actors, while not against the rules or anything, does make engaging with the films a bit challenging. Unlike live-action films utilizing unknown actors (a prime example being Numbers’ Finders Keepers trilogy) where you can picture whoever you want in the roles, animation is a different beast where you only have a voice to go off. And unless your film specifies what kind of voice that character sports, it's a bit more of a stretch to envision what they sound like. I get the resistance to using celebrities as voice talent, but certainly, there’s an enormous treasure trove of seasoned voice actors in the animation industry to pick from while still keeping an ideal lower budget. You cast Frank Welker in this specific film and Samuel L. Jackson (who is a big-name celebrity but has plenty of voice acting experience under his belt) voiced the lead in Shadow of the Comet so I know you’re not opposed to it. You can keep using fictional directors if you wish since that doesn’t matter too much but I would encourage you to cast more recognizable talent in the future. Not only do I think it’ll increase engagement with your films but also help them stand out more from others. Just a thought.
With all that said, onto the film proper. For what it is, it’s a neat package of cool worldbuilding expanding off an extremely creative premise; the film is definitely at its best when it's squarely focused on the awesome dinos. The human side of things is pretty paper-thin, largely devoted to uninteresting leads who get involved in a fairly cut-and-dry cat-and-mouse chase with the antagonists. It serves its purpose just fine but feels sorely lacking in comparison to its imaginative foundations. Thoroughly meh.
LittleBigPlanet
SpoilerAn egregiously uninteresting flick, doubling down on the main problems I had with Klonoa, though at least that film does something fairly unexpected at the end to shake things up. This film is a plain old bore, centering around a blank-slate protagonist who goes on a relatively conflict-free journey culminating with an ending that sledgehammers its main message into the ground. Strictly for younger children.
The Secret That Love Brings
SpoilerA remake of one of the most infamous films of the game that, thankfully, removes said infamous element entirely from the equation. However, what’s left is just a kind of dull bore that’s partially carried by Powell and Randolph’s performances but sadly not enough to raise my emotional interest beyond complete and utter indifference. The definition of a filler flick that's meant to fit in an empty date slot.
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May
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
SpoilerSpoilerCertainly, a fair improvement over the first film, which I barely even remember. At the very least, this boasts far more of a style and personality that was sorely lacking in its predecessor, thanks in part to a small but talented cast as well as the directing duo behind Bad Boys for Life at the helm this go around. With all that said, this was still just okay for me. It does avoid certain pitfalls of other video game adaptations (this is much better structured than something Klonoa from two months ago) while falling into a few others along the way (I can’t tell whether the dialogue excerpts here are all from the game or not but some of them come across as extremely awkward and clunky in execution here). I also just could not get invested in this story, which only really serves its purpose as a vehicle to keep the plot moving along to hit all the designated action setpieces. Which, granted, are a lot of fun, but the high wears off quickly once you get back into the motions of the narrative. But FWIW, it’s a decent enough time-waster.
Doraemon
SpoilerSpoilerI just… lol.
This is pretty much strictly a young kids' film – noisy and busy enough to keep them entertained for an hour-and-a-half, but for anyone older, this will be quite an endurance test. It’s not terrible or offensive by any means (though I kind of question what the point of setting this America was given how much this specifically engages with Japanese culture), but for a live-action adaptation of a cartoon, the translation between mediums just does not work here at all. It’s a weird tonal mishmash where the human characters – especially the bully – are sometimes more cartoony than anything going on with the actual titular cartoon character (who, I should note, I found far more annoying than charming). If this film is meant to appeal to anyone, it’s most definitely not me.
Also, I don’t think I even need to ask, but I’ll do it anyway: why did Karyn Kusama of all people direct this? Seriously, what’s up so far this year with the mismatched projects and directors? Just weird.
DC's The Siege of Savage
SpoilerSpoilerThe several game years’ culmination of DC superhero films from Endless Entertainment (sans Green Lantern Corps), spotlighting some of the brand’s minor but noteworthy heroes, finally brings them all together in a big-budget tentpole crossover event. Quite ironic that I read this on the day that the final DCEU film was released in theaters; pretty funny how that works out.
Even though I’m very much tired of this genre, I’ll admit, there was a decent level of satisfaction in experiencing this years-in-the-making crossover play out. For the most part, this gave me exactly what I wanted out of this kind of film. The clear highlight is just getting to see these characters interact with one another for the first time. Out of the returning cast, Niles Fitch’s Static Shock always remains a highlight, but out of everyone, I did find one of the only new characters, Lryic Ross’ Miss Martian, to be the most compelling out of the ensemble.
Structurally, the film, especially in its beginnings, is a little wobbly, with plenty of time devoted to a long opening prologue establishing Savage’s background, as well as moving its chess pieces around to finally unite all of the heroes. Thankfully, it does pick up from there in the second act, leading to my favorite set-piece where the team attempts to work together to pull off a heist. Otherwise, it mostly adheres to the standard formula you come to expect from a superhero flick, very clearly borrowing story beats from others of its genre, like the first Avengers film, specifically. But overall, it’s a fun and breezy time and I walked out of it fairly satisfied with the experience.
The Set-Up
SpoilerSpoilerI dug this quite a bit. What starts as a fairly regular rom-com with a standard premise evolves into something not groundbreaking, by any means, but smart and thoughtful in comparison to a lot of its contemporaries. The central relationship between Condor and Centineo’s high school characters evokes some interesting ideas about high school romance: questioning the importantance pursuing love at that stage in life vs. focusing/pursuing your own goals. Whether its simple self-improvement (in Kitt’s case) or just trying to figure things out for yourself, this film comes at these ideas and conclusions from a fresh, nuanced perspective, which I appreciate a lot and wish that more teen-centric stories strived for more often. Just a warm, reassuring hug of a film.
12 Angry Veggies: A VeggieTales Movie
SpoilerSpoilerA fairly loose adaptation of 12 Angry Men (not sure why McKill said this was identical in structure lol; this makes up quite a good bit of new stuff, especially before the jury even begins deliberation), but compared to the other two VeggieTale remakes of classic films, this finds an agreeable middle ground between the beat-for-beat Veggies in the Rain and the in-name only Citizen Kale. Despite its heavy-handed delivery of the gospel, I do think this has a worthwhile message about discrimination that it gets across well enough. It’s not my thing whatsoever, but it should satisfy its target audience either way.
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April
Father vs. Son
SpoilerSpoilerThe selling point alone, seeing Denzel and John David Washington duking it out against each other, makes this an incredibly fun watch. For the most part, it delivers on exactly that, though most of its focus is lopsided in favor of the younger Washington. Not a bad thing, though, I’ve always been enamored by his charisma and physical commitment in his roles (like father, like son, I suppose). Part of me does wish that the film delivered more on its title, and I was rather frustrated with the film’s attempt to sequel-bait at the very end, but ultimately, I still walked out relatively satisfied.
Cruis'n World
SpoilerSpoilerEven with a fun ensemble cast driving around the world in some fun racing sequences, this never really rises above just okay for me. I will say, the fact that the film’s climax that's essentially the moon buggy chase from Ad Astra but with race cars is more than worth the price of admission.
The Enormous Radio
SpoilerSpoilerBased on the classic New Yorker story, this romantic drama, tinged with a bit of fantasy, provides one of the most intriguing outings from this year so far. Right away, the throwback to 40s and 50s style filmmaking sets it apart, providing a very aesthetically pleasing and appropriate nostalgic feel to the picture. But the actual story itself – concerning a couple who purchase a giant radio that, through unknown fantastical means, allows them to listen in on the conversations of everyone around them – provides an interesting spin on the classic forbidden knowledge narrative, with Scarlett Johansson’s Irene growing invested, and later unhealthily obsessed, with the lives of those whom she listens in on. As expected, this creates quite a bit of drama between her and her breadwinner husband, who hides his own set of secrets from her.
For the most part, the film makes good use of its premise, selling you on Irene’s gradual fall into obsession and the effects that has on her and her family, especially her husband. Another part of me wished that we could’ve gotten more information from the people that she eavesdrops on, maybe focusing on specific individuals to simulate that exact investment that consumes Irene. But the film does make the drama that results from it satisfying enough to engage with. My only real negative point would be the rather anticlimactic ending that just kind of stops unexpectedly right when you think it's going to build up to something bigger. Otherwise, this is a well-crafted, well-written picture with two very good lead performances from Johansson and Foster anchoring its emotional center.
Stallions
SpoilerSpoilerI give YM major props for resisting the temptation to put Megan Thee as the narrator of this. I know it must’ve taken great strength not to do it.
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March
Speed Demon
SpoilerSpoilerFairly competent for what it is, but I’ll be honest, the whole subgenre of dark and edgy takes on famous superheroes already wore out its welcome quite a long time ago for me. And while I wouldn’t go as far as to call this a bad film or anything, it simply lacks a hard, satirical bite and falls too firmly into formulaic tropes to make it unique compared to its ilk. Even the graphic violence barely registers – which is a problem considering that’s its biggest selling point. But for what it is, I can’t say disliked my viewing experience. It coasts by just fine with its talented actors and occasionally showcases a few fun sequences, but it never rises above being kind of generic and unremarkable.
Klonoa: Door to the Phantomile
SpoilerSpoilerOf all the films your animated kids' flick could’ve ripped off, I never, in a million years, would’ve expected it to copy from the ending of The Empty Man of all things.
I kid, of course… but only a little bit.
This was… fine? Like many of these video game adaptations, I think the appeal of what made their source material work (not that I would know, I’m not a gamer) just gets lost in translation along the way. The vignette-ish structure – largely devoted to unengaging fetch quests, through the POV of a blank-slate protagonist very clearly meant to stand in as an audience surrogate – might work as a playable console game, but as a film, it's extremely unengaging, albeit pleasant to look at, for what its worth. I will say, though, that the “twist” ending does partially remedy some of these flaws in just an interesting enough manner to make this a worthwhile watch. But just barely.
Gran Turismo 2
SpoilerSpoilerAdmittedly very weird that this even exists, especially since the irl Gran Turismo film was released between the two film installments. Though that whole film in itself is weird because it was framed from a true story angle, so technically, it's not even an adaptation. It’s quite bizarre. Anyway, this was a fine enough time-waster, just like the first film. Don’t have much more to add than that.
Lions and Dragons
SpoilerSpoilerI genuinely don’t enjoy ripping into films, especially ones from a newcomer studio, so I’ll refrain from doing that here. But I’m sorry, this was a whole lot of nothing. Certainly, this fantastical premise and world provide a load of potential, but it fails to fully take advantage of any of it and winds up feeling wholly derivative of dozens of other works that utilize these elements far more effectively. Some decent animation and a notable array of celebrity voice actors will only take you so far. At the very least, this will be a good film to plop your little one down to watch to get them off your back for an hour and a half.
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February
Viva Las Vengeance
SpoilerA typical concert film, nothing worth noting here.
Room 131
SpoilerHahaha. Oh, man. I missed this series so much.
I don’t remember if it was already announced before or not, but without saying too much, yes, this is a spin-off of the Poison and Wine series. I will not dare spoil how it ties into that franchise; I’ll let y’all discover that for yourselves.
As for the actual film itself, I don’t think I’ve ever felt so many conflicting emotions while reading something for this game before. To explain: I was really into this for the first two-thirds or so. Like, really into it. It works very well as a character study of Pico Alexander’s Jordan, who I found quite sympathetic, and the central mystery around Zander’s disappearance hooked me right away. Even when the story takes a slight detour, focusing on a long flashback of Jordan’s traumatic upbringing, I honestly didn’t mind it at all, because it leads to a heartwrenching conclusion that left me appropriately devastated and angry.
However, once the film returns to the present, the dial truly gets turned up to 11, leading to a pretty insane and over-the-top conclusion that left me slack-jawed (even before the post-credits scene). I’d rather not say too much about it, but… it’s something, alright.
Here’s the thing, though; even if it doesn’t quite come together as a whole, I can’t help but admire the boldness of the places this film is willing to go. It’s quite fearless in tackling certain themes and subjects that I could tell from reading come from a very personal place for the author. And the first two-thirds were still thoroughly investing enough that I was pretty much down for the ride for wherever this story wanted to take me next.
Boy, did I sure get my money’s worth out of it.
The Valkyries vs. The Galaxy
SpoilerEndless Animation is an interesting studio with quite a varied output, quality-wise. While I’ve genuinely enjoyed some of their films, lately, I’ve grown a bit weary of some of the repeated tropes and formulas that frequently pop up in their works. At the same time, though, I’m always curious to see their new projects and find out where I land on them.
And for this particular one… it’s ight.
Yeah, I don’t have too strong of a feeling either way on this. For what it is, it’s a pretty bundle of eye candy with some nice animation, solid voice performances, and a catchy pop soundtrack that’s quite pleasant on the ears. But the story here just leaves a lot to be desired. Like a lot of Endless’ output, this is stuffed to the brim with a ton of colorful characters – some memorable and fun (like RuPaul’s villainous Cosma and Seth MacFarlane’s King), some underdeveloped (Maitreyi Ramakrishnan’s Sydney) or entirely superfluous (coulda done without the numerous cameos in the middle there). The main story feels weirdly simplistic yet oddly complicated at the same time. While I do think there’s some interesting commentary about the exploitation of talent, especially in the music industry, the film devotes such a good chunk of its runtime to this storyline that I think the titular Valkyries themselves get a bit lost in the shuffle. All three of them start as recognizable archetypes and go through the exact arcs you’d expect, with no real nuance or intrigue to compliment the story going on around them.
It’s a bit frustrating because there is a solid foundation for something really special here. There are plenty of good elements and ideas present, but they never coalesce into something entirely coherent. It’s a decent enough time as is; just not something I feel strongly about one way or another.
The Legend of Hollis Brown
SpoilerI dig it. Apart from the somber undertones that carry throughout, it’s a fairly chill Midwest vibes kind of film with a sweet romance between Eastwood and Bassett at its core. I probably could’ve done without some of the more heavy-handed religious talk, but to the film’s credit, it does have more on its mind than just that. One thing’s for sure: all the old folks who make up this flick’s target audience will eat this up.
A Ghost Tail
SpoilerFar too saccharine to a borderline off-putting degree. Like a lot of the other weird fantasy-drama works from Studio Groundswell (and the defunct New Journey Pictures), this exists entirely in a bizarre world where every person and every human interaction just feels oh-so-slightly off from reality, even before the fantastical elements rear their head. As a result, every attempted comedic or emotional beat just comes off as weird and awkward. Certainly, its heart is very well-intentioned, but it's almost entirely misplaced.
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A Month at Belmont Lane, Y4
Borrasca, Y6World of Trouble, Y8
Room 131, Y10
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I still think that the fifth slot is down to either Nimona or Suzume. Hoping for the latter, but given that Netflix has consistently gotten at least one film into the category in the past couple of years, I'm inclined to go with the former.
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Film by me: Bambi: A Life in the Woods, Y5
Film by others: XJ-9: Rebirth, by @Ezen Baklattan, Y6; War of the Gods, by @Xillix, Y2
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January
Sony v Nintendo
SpoilerSpoilerKicking off the New Year, we start things off with a fairly solid documentary detailing the titular rivalry between console giants in the 1990s, giving particular focus to Sony. Admittedly, this is not a subject I’m particularly knowledgeable or well-versed in but the film does an effective enough job of laying out the history and facts in a very engaging and easy-to-understand manner. However, I’d say the only real time the film surprised me was the ‘299’ microphone drop moment in the middle, which was hilariously unexpected (again, given I don’t know squat about this stuff). A very nice, well-researched read.
Puckshot
SpoilerSpoilerAbout what you’d expect from this kind of flick; nothing all that special. Gotta give the Hoopsverse (cause everything is a cinematic universe these days, even franchises that take place in the normal, modern-day world) some credit for consistent quality.
Money Heist
SpoilerSpoilerHmmm, yeah, I’ll be honest, I wasn’t feeling this one. It sucks because it’s got a lot going for it, namely Spielberg in the director’s chair and a very talented ensemble cast at the center. Yet, both of those kind of wind up being my two biggest gripes with this. For one, nothing about this particular story feels fitting for da Berg’s style or sensibilities, although he certainly works his magic to elevate the material in certain sequences. My second, and more prominent, issue is that there are just far too many characters here. A few of them get some time to shine – like Tokyo, Rachel, Berlin, and the Professor – but the rest all blend together after a while. It also doesn’t help that the writing is often quite confusing, and I found myself going back and re-reading certain sections to catch myself up on what was going on in the story. Overall, this was just a very mixed bag of an experience. Not bad by any means, just kind of a mess.
Toppings: A Pizza Romance
SpoilerSpoilerFrom the sick and twisted mind of Sam Levinson, the visionary director behind EUPHORIA, ASSASSINATION NATION, and THE IDOL comes his latest project… probably the most aggressively PG-13 thing he’s done to date…
Woo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just a bizarre read on multiple fronts. This is such a hilarious pairing of material and director, definitely one of the most egregious in this game to date. I’d like to imagine Levinson took on this gig to avoid permanent director jail after the disaster that was The Idol, and the final result is a rather cringe-inducingly tame outing for him. The “romance” here just doesn’t work at all. I could not think of a more mismatched pairing than Jenna Ortega and Finn Wolfhard, especially the latter, who has about as much sex appeal as flatbread. At least Ortega sorta understands the assignment, delivering on the over-the-top sensuality that pushes about as far as its PPG-13 MPA rating will let it go.
But the result still feels like a parody of the romance genre it's trying to fit into. As a parody, it can sometimes result in occasionally funny moments, but that’s the thing: it’s trying to be the real deal, and as such, it’s just plain bad.
Operation Finality
SpoilerSpoilerI was admittedly a bit thrown for a loop when I discovered this was entirely in a screenplay format. Not a major dealbreaker; it’s a pretty quick read once you get used to it. In the future, though, I think sharing a downloadable PDF of the script would be much more pleasing to the eyes.
Anyways, onto the film proper, this was a solidly, serviceable time for a beginning-of-the-year genre flick. It doesn’t do anything too crazy or unexpected within the box of your typical sci-fi action-adventure, but as one, it does its job decently, with some neat atmosphere and fun, occasionally thrilling sequences. The characters are nothing to write home about, but you do get just enough from them to warrant some semblance of emotional attachment. Out of the stars, Michael B. Jordan and Logan Marshall-Green get the most to work with, particularly the latter.
While the film is efficiently fast-paced, I did find myself wishing the story would’ve taken some downtime to let us explore and bask in this futuristic world as it seemed far more concerned with reaching its designated plot points. It might’ve allowed us some more time to spend with these characters before shit hits the fan for them. With all that said, I had a pretty good time with this one. Do I wish it could’ve gone further in some aspects? Certainly, but I can’t complain much, because we still got a decent flick out of it.
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28 minutes ago, cookie said:
He said Scavs couldn’t be requested since he was going to read it anyway.
Yes, and YM already requested Otherspace, so @Reddroast, I will ask that you pick two other films in their place.
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Jk, the year's not even done yet. But the first half is officially closed, so you know what that means...!
As some of you may know, in the past few game years, starting in Y7, I've opted to go the radio silence treatment: reading every film, then dropping my Top 25, and then finally posting reviews/grades for everything afterward. I wanted to switch up from the standard monthly posted reviews and create a bit more suspense for my year-end lists. I did this out of choice for Y7/Y8 and out of necessity for Y9 due to my living situation at the time, which resulted in me only really reviewing my Top 25 best and Bottom 10 worst films from that year.
However, this year, I've decided for old time's sake to bring the monthly reviews back... with a bit of a twist...
Even though I'll be reviewing everything this year, the respective grades for each film will not be posted until after the conclusion of my Top 25 list (kinda stealing from your book here, @4815162342). My main reason for doing this is to give more constructive focus and attention to the films and the reviews on an individual basis, while still keeping an aura of uncertainty in regards to how they stack up against each other at the year's end. IMO, I think this is a good middle-ground between my past methods. And who knows, maybe I'll continue it going forward.
But that's not all.
In honor of the official end of this decade, following the conclusion of this year's Top 25 countdown, I'll be dedicating the rest of this page to a retrospective look at some of the films from the previous nine game years. Honestly, just typing that out feels super surreal.
For this portion of the thread, you guys will get a chance to request films for me to re-read and re-review. It can be any film you want from the past nine game years: a box office smash hit/epic bomb or a critically beloved/panned/divisive work, it doesn't matter. For this section, you will be able to request the following:
1 film written by you
2 films written by 2 other users
For example, if I were submitting to myself:
1 film by me: Bambi: A Life in the Woods
1 film each from two other users: By the Balls (@Blankments/EGK (co-productions between two players are allowed)) and Spark: Rising (@Ezen Baklattan)
My only stipulation is that whatever films you pick, they should be something special to you: whether it be a personal favorite of yours, a favorite of someone else's work, or something that you're just desperate to see be re-evaluated. Whatever they are, I only ask you to be thoughtful with your choices.
With that said, though, the following films, and their respective sequels, are unavailable for selection since I will be re-reading all of them for their latest entries and/or rereleases:
Gateways
Green Lantern Corps: Rise of the Manhunters
Hilda and the Midnight Giant
Mighty Fall
Poison and Wine
The Scavenger Wars
And it should go without saying that my own films are off-limits... since I plan on dedicating an entirely separate section to re-evaluating those anyway 😉.
But aside from those, anything is fair game within the boundaries of your three choices, and y'all may begin putting in your requests now.
With all that said, I'd like to wish you all a very happy 10 years to this game! And I, for one, cannot wait to dive into this year's offerings, as well as the previous nine years!
Requests/Exemptions for individual films/franchises:
56 Days of Love, Y2
And the Band Played On, Y2
Best Friends Forever, Y1
The Bronx is Burning, Y8
By the Balls, Y4
Can You Imagine, Y4 + Should You Imagine, Y7
Everything We Miss, Y8
Gateways, Y6
Green Lantern Corps: Rise of the Manhunters, Y5, and Green Lantern Corps: Home, Y7
Hilda and the Midnight Giant, Y7
Lord of the Flies, Y2
LucIId, Y6
Mighty Fall, Y8
Notes from the Otherspace, Y3
The Parvelli Reunion, Y2
Poison and Wine, Y1, Truth Is, Y2, and Dark Side, Y3
The Scavenger Wars, Y1, The Scavenger Wars Part II, Y2, and The Scavenger Wars Part III, Y3
Spark: Rising, Y1, Spark: Homeward (both versions), Y3, Spark: Beyond the Sky, Y4, and Spark: A Hero's Promise, Y6
Starlight, Y7
To The Moon, Y2
Warmth, Y9
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Orion Cinema 18 + IMAX
1 IMAX with laser auditorium
1 Dolby Cinema Auditorium
3D capability in all auditoriums
Houses an arcade, bowling alley, and bar and grill restaurant
Friday, June 12th, Y4
SpoilerSpoilerThe Odyssey: Homecoming (R, 2 hrs 30 min)
IMAX 2D: 12:00 pm, 3:25 pm, 6:50 pm, 10:15 pm
Dolby 3D: 2:25 pm, 9:15 pm
Dolby 2D: 11:00 am, 5:55 pm
3D: 10:30 am, 1:55 pm, 5:20 pm, 8:45 pm
2D: 10:00 am, 10:50 am, 11:40 am, 12:30 pm, 1:25 pm, 2:15 pm, 3:05 pm, 3:55 pm, 4:50 pm, 5:40 pm, 6:30 pm, 7:20 pm, 8:15 pm, 9:05 pm, 9:55 pm, 10:45 pm
Brave (PG, 1 hr 50 min)
2D: 10:10 am, 11:35 am, 12:55 pm, 2:20 pm, 3:40 pm, 5:05 pm, 6:25 pm, 7:50 pm, 9:10 pm, 10:35 pm
American Dragon: Darkness Rising (PG, 1 hr 59 min)
3D: 11:45 am, 8:30 pm
2D: 10:20 am, 1:15 pm, 2:40 pm, 4:10 pm, 5:35 pm, 7:05 pm, 10:00 pm
Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. The Loch Ness Monster (R, 1 hr 30 min)
2D: 1:05 pm, 3:30 pm, 5:55 pm, 8:20 pm, 10:45 pm
Cabana Boys (PG-13, 1 hr 42 min)
2D: 10:40 am, 1:20 pm, 4:00 pm, 6:40 pm, 9:20 pm
Frindle (PG, 1 hr 35 min)
2D: 11:30 am, 2:00 pm, 4:30 pm, 7:00 pm
Earthsong: Volume I - Haven’s Guard (PG-13, 2 hrs 38 min)
2D: 11:10 am, 2:45 pm, 5:20 pm, 8:55 pm
Treasure Planet: Gauntlet of Midas (PG-13, 2 hrs, 15 min)
2D: 11:50 am, 3:00 pm, 6:10 pm, 9:20 pm
Can You Imagine? (PG, 1 hr, 48 min)
2D: 11:20 am, 2:05 pm, 4:50 pm, 7:35 pm
Our City: Growth (PG, 1 hr, 52 min)
2D: 12:15 pm, 3:05 pm
Mass Effect (PG-13, 2 hrs, 17 min)
2D: 5:55 pm, 9:10 pm
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Far and away my favorite of any of these films. Not only is it a damn good kaiju flick, but it accomplishes what few have done and crafted actual care and investment with its human characters rather than making them an afterthought. Ryunosuke Kamiki and Minami Himabe deliver two extremely heartfelt, empathetic lead performances that consistently floored me with how much emotional resonance they brought to this entry. It perfectly compliments the destructive spectacle in such a somber yet satisfying manner. And I won’t lie, hearing that classic theme kick in during the climactic battle got me unexpectedly giddy and internally fist-pumping in a way no other blockbuster has this year. Probably could’ve trimmed down a few minutes, but other than that, I have no complaints. Really damn good cinema.
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@SLAM! Time After Time is scheduled for May 8th, not May 15th
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Studio: Lager Pictures
Comapnies: Outerbanks Entertainment
Genre: Sci-Fi/Romance/Thriller
Directed by Tom Harper
Written by Nicholas Meyer
Based on the Novel by Karl Alexander
Produced by Nicholas Meyer, Kevin Williamson
Executive Producers: Christopher Lager, Maria Lager
Music by Steven Price
MPA Rating: PG-13
Running Time: 118 minutes
Budget: $50 million
Release Date: May 8, Y10
Theater Count: 3,658 theaters
Cast:
Nicholas Hoult as Herbert George Wells
Matt Smith as John Leslie Stevenson/Jack the Ripper
Haley Lu Richardson as Amy Robbins
Summary:
SpoilerSpoilerIn 1893 London, popular writer Herbert George Wells hosts a dinner party where he displays a real time machine to his skeptical guests. He explains how it works, including having a "non-return key" that keeps the machine at the traveler's destination and a "vaporizing equalizer" that keeps the traveler and machine on equal terms. The police constables suddenly arrive, searching for Wells’ friend and guest, John Leslie Stevenson, a surgeon. A bag with blood-stained gloves belonging to Stevenson leads them to conclude that he may be the infamous serial killer, Jack the Ripper (who murders an unsuspecting female victim in the film’s cold open). Wells races to his laboratory but finds that Stevenson and the time machine are gone.
Stevenson escapes to the future, though without the "non-return" key, causing the machine to reappear in 1893 automatically. Wells then pursues Stevenson to May 8, Y10, where the machine is now on display at a San Francisco museum. Wells finds the future deeply shocking, having expected an enlightened socialist utopia. Instead, he sees chaos in the form of airplanes, automobiles, and smartphones in a bustling, breakneck city.
At a bank, Wells exchanges some British bank notes for present-day currency. Hungry, he enters a McDonald's and is alternately puzzled and pleased with the dining options – particularly the Spicy McChicken and their Sprite, the latter of which he develops a craving for. Reasoning that Stevenson also needs to exchange British money, Wells visits various banks searching for him. At one of the banks, he meets lonely employee Amy Robbins. After a nice conversation with her, Wells learns that she directed Stevenson to the Hyatt Regency Hotel. Smitten with Wells, she gives him her card, telling him to give her a call sometime.
Confronted at the Hyatt by Wells, Stevenson confesses that he finds modern society pleasingly violent, using the internet to catch Wells up on a world history full of global war, crime, and bloodshed. At the end, he states: "One hundred and thirty-three years ago, I was a freak. Today, I'm an amateur." Wells demands that he return to 1893 to face justice, but Stevenson instead attempts to wrestle the time machine's key from him. Their struggle is interrupted by a maid and Stevenson flees, getting hit by a car during the frantic chase. Wells follows him to the hospital emergency room and mistakenly believes Stevenson is dead.
Wells meets up with Amy again and the two spark a romance. They bond over their shared love of literature and science, as well as their displeasure with the state of the world, which Amy admits feeling increasingly disconnected from. She was disowned by her religious, conservative family for expressing atheistic beliefs, and the demands of working two jobs just to keep up with rent meant zero social life for her. Wells empathizes with her, realizing just how lonely and isolating this advanced, interconnected future truly is.
Stevenson returns to the bank to exchange more money. Suspecting that Amy led Wells to him, he frightens her into giving Wells a message and later discovers where she lives. To convince a highly skeptical Amy that he is telling the truth, Wells takes her three days into the future. She is aghast to see an online news headline revealing her own murder as the "San Francisco Ripper's" fifth victim. Wells persuades Amy that they must go back to prevent the fourth victim's murder, and then prevent her own. Upon returning, they are delayed and can do no more than phone the police. Stevenson kills again, and Wells is arrested due to his knowledge about the killing. Amy is left alone, totally defenseless against Stevenson.
While Wells unsuccessfully tries to convince the police of Amy's peril, she attempts to hide from Stevenson. When the police finally investigate her apartment, they find a woman's dismembered body. Believing him innocent, the police release a now-heartbroken Wells. But as it turns out, Stevenson had killed Amy's coworker, who was the dead body in Amy's apartment. He contacts Wells that he has taken Amy hostage and wants the time machine key from Wells.
Stevenson flees with the key – and Amy as insurance – intending a permanent escape in the time machine. Wells erratically drives Amy's car and follows them to the museum. While Wells bargains for Amy's life, she escapes. As Stevenson starts up the time machine, Wells removes the "vaporizing equalizer", causing Stevenson to vanish while the machine remains there. With this, Stevenson is sent traveling endlessly through time.
Wells proclaims that he must return to his own time and destroy the machine, believing it too dangerous for primitive mankind. Amy pleads with him to take her along, saying she has no remaining ties in the 21st century. They share a kiss and resolve to return together to Wells’ time.
The film finishes with the captions:
H.G. Wells married Amy Catherine Robbins, who died in 1927.
As a writer, he anticipated socialism, global war, space travel, and women's liberation.
He died in 1946.
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Tailypo
Studio: Lager Pictures
Companies: Ghost House Pictures, The Imaginarium, Fire Axe Pictures, SpectreVision, Parts & Labor
Genre: Folk Horror
Directed by Alexandre Aja
Written by Michael and Shawn Rasmussen
Produced by Sam Raimi, Robert Tapert, Andy Serkis, Jonathan Cavendish, Alexandre Aja, Elijah Wood, Lisa Whalen, Daniel Noah, Josh C. Waller
Executive Producers: Christopher Lager, Maria Lager, Lars Knudsen, Gregory Levasseur
Director of Photography: Maxime Alexandre
Edited by Elliot Greenburg
Music by Mark Korven
MPA Rating: R for gruesome violence and some strong language
Running Time: 83 minutes
Budget: $10 million
Release Date: January 17, Y10
Theater Count: 3,402
Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1
Cast:
Andy Serkis as Smitty, the Hermit/Tailypo (voice)
Ólafur Darri Ólafson as The Tradesman
Jonas Bloquet as Jean, the Frenchman
Raoul Max Trujillo as Cicatriz, the lead Huntsman
and Introducing:
*Kiri as Calico/“Cali”, the Yellow Labrador
*Ash as Ino, the Black Labrador
*Goose as Uno, the Chocolate Labrador
*denotes fictional actors
Summary: A hermit and his three dogs are terrorized by a malignant creature determined to take back its missing tail.Plot: (~5.2k words)
SpoilerSpoilerThe film ominously opens with the POV shot of an unseen predator stalking its prey, a deer. The creature chases the deer through the woods over steep, bushy hills and rough, thorny terrain. It finally catches up, leaping in for the attack…
…before abruptly cutting away to a group of travelers gathered around a fire, eating, playing card games, shooting the shit, and just having a good ‘ol drunken time. As the night winds down, though, only a handful of men remain at the fire, swapping stories as they continue drinking away. The group collectively laments over the disappointing hunting season, citing how few animals they’ve caught – let alone even seen. They speculate why this might be, though the mood gets tense when one of them theorizes how it could be supernaturally related. Sensing the group’s shift in tone and the unsettling ambiance of the dark forest near them, one of the men, a Tradesman, takes the opportunity to share a story of his own, beginning in earnest.
Several years ago, somewhere deep in the southern Appalachian mountains, a middle-aged hermit named Smitty lived in a log cabin with his three labrador retrievers: Uno, Ino, and Calico (or, Cali, for short, as the Tradesman calls her). Smitty was a loner, a former Confederate soldier trying to find some isolated peace after the war left him disillusioned and filled with regret. For the most part, the man and his three dogs got by on their own, hunting animals daily to survive. While Uno and Ino were the more avid retrievers, Cali, a female dog, was far more vigilant and gun-shy, preferring to stay at Smitty’s side to guard him. Though, as far as the Tradesman figured, Smitty was okay with this, describing her as his “little princess.”
The rare times Smitty and his mutts ever left his forest area were to go the closest nearby town a few miles away to trade and buy certain supplies, such as traps and a little bit of food, but only for the dogs, never himself. This is how the Tradesman, who owned a shop of his own, came to know Smitty, jokingly claiming that he was one of his few human friends. Though they weren’t close by any means, they’d have a good chat every time Smitty came into town. The Tradesman recalls one particular conversation where Smitty complained extensively about a rival group of hunters in the same woods that he believed were driving away all the animals. A flashback shows the heated confrontation between Smitty and the intimidating lead huntsman of the party, Cicatriz. The situation is diffused by the youngest member of the hunters, Jean, but Cicatriz warns Smitty that the next time they run into each other will not be pretty. As the hunters left, Jean took pity on Smitty, giving him three of his rabbit pellets, which Smitty initially refused but ultimately took when Jean insisted he give them to the dogs.
At the end of the Tradesman’s conversation with Smitty, the hermit told him that he could also sense something else was very off about the woods that particular season. Quoting Smitty’s words, “Something in the air is just not right.”
The day after returning home with his trio of mutts, Smitty went out hunting again but only caught a single hare to bring home that night. Biting the bullet, Smitty abstained from eating and cooked the hare for his three dogs instead. Understandably still hungry, Smitty set out by himself, much to Cali’s worry, to find more food. As the forest plunged into darkness, Smitty came across something moving just several yards ahead of him. Through the barely visible darkness, he made out what looked like a creature slightly bigger than a housecat lurking in the bushes. He took his chance and tried to fire his musket at the animal. However, the gun fails to go off. After a tense stand-off where the creature stared Smitty down with bright, glowing eyes, Smitty came to his senses and chucked a small hatchet at the creature, slicing off its tail. The creature howled and took off before he could catch it, though, which left Smitty with nothing but the tail to show for his efforts.
Back at the cabin, Smitty cooked the tail and cut it up into four pieces. He contemplated whether or not to share the small amount of food with his dogs, who sat idly by his side as he did, but the film cuts away before he makes his decision.
That night, after a harrowing nightmare of a particularly gruesome battle from the war, Smitty woke up to hear strange noises coming from outside his cabin. Restless and unable to go back to sleep, he stayed up reading a book with Cali by his side by the burning fireplace. But the distant rustling coming from outside creeps closer to the house. The noise transformed into slow but distinct clawing along the logs. This woke up Uno and Ino, who growled deeply in a way Smitty had never heard them do before. The clawing persisted, circling the house several times, putting Smitty and all the dogs on edge. Smitty yelled to whoever was out there to show themselves. From outside, a deep, raspy voice echoed around.
Tail-y-po… Tail-y-po… which… one… of you... has got… my Tail-y-po…?
As Smitty slowly crept toward the door, ready to sic his mutts on their harasser, the voice continued, each word shown alongside the dogs’ reactions.
Eeny… meeny… miny…
Smitty quietly wrapped his hand around the handle. A pair of bright glowing eyes slowly open outside the window, narrowing in.
You…!
…and flung it open. Uno and Ino raced out after the creature and chased after it into the darkness. Cali stayed behind, whimpering next to Smitty, who peered out from the doorway, listening to his dogs' loud barks heading further and further away.
The next morning, after calling for his dogs to come back, only Ino returned. Concerned, Smitty kept searching for Uno, letting Ino and Cali guide him on the path of his scent. After a few hours of searching, finding nothing except Uno’s blood-stained collar on the ground, their trail ran cold at the edge of a thick swamp. With an uneasy feeling about their location and the dogs unwilling to continue forward, Smitty decided it best to return to the cabin. However, Smitty, realizing that who or whatever this thing is might return, decided to take action.
Through montage, Smitty spent the rest of the day carefully setting up traps around the perimeter of his cabin, hiding them well for the human or animal assailant stalking him. He also ventures into town, stopping by the Tradesman’s shop to buy some extra ones for good measure. The Tradesman was surprised to see him back so soon but understood why when Smitty relayed what happened to him. The Tradesman offered to throw in some food for free, seeing how exhausted Smitty looked, but Smitty steadfastly refused because he did not appreciate charity from others, claiming he could get by just fine. With that, the Tradesman begrudgingly took his cash and Smitty was on his way.
Smitty and the two dogs return to the cabin around sunset. Smitty took advantage of the last bit of light and set up the remaining traps around his home before retiring for the night. After feeding the dogs, he called it an early night and headed for bed.
The night passed by without anything of note occurring until an hour before sunrise. Smitty woke up faintly hearing one of the traps going off outside. Up and alert, he finished getting dressed when he heard another trap go off. Quietly, he, along with Cali and Ino, listened as all of the traps went off one by one in quick succession up to the cabin, circling them before stopping right in front of the door. Smitty prepared his musket as the slow scratching on the door and the familiar raspy voice began again.
Tail-y-po… Tail-y-po… I know… one of you’s got… my… Tail-y-po…
Smitty yelled at the thing to leave them alone. Ino growled and barked at it, but was immediately shut up at what the thing said next.
One down… three to go… ‘til I get… my… Tail-y-po…
Smitty’s blood ran cold at the implication. The scratching began again, but this time, the claws slowly cut straight through the door. Smitty regained his composure, warning the thing that he had a loaded gun. The threat failed to dissuade the creature. Smitty stepped forward and kicked the door open, only for his foot to plunge straight into a foothold trap.
He screamed in agony, falling over and firing the gun by accident. Ino bolted out after the creature, chasing it into the woods. Cali stayed back with Smitty, who yelled at her to go after it, but she stayed by his side while he pried his ankle out of the trap. Hobbling up and tightly tying up his wound, Smitty dragged his foot as he and Cali caught up to Ino, who waited for them at the edge of the woods. On Smitty’s command, the two dogs bolted into the forest, tracking the creature’s scent. Fueled with adrenaline, Smitty ignored the pain, keeping pace with the fast-moving dogs.
Through the thick forest, Smitty and Cali lost Ino in the bushes. Smitty called out his name multiple times but to no avail. Feeling the pain in his foot creeping back into him, Smitty figured it best to just head back. But suddenly, he and Cali were ambushed by Cicatriz and his men. While the two are two held down, Cicatriz looms over them. He called Smitty a hypocrite, accusing him and his “noisy mutts” of scaring away a group of deer they were about to shoot. He reminded Smitty of his warning, promising to make good on it. As he said this, he pointed a pistol at Cali. Both Smitty and Jean beg him not to do anything, but Cicatriz only cocked back the trigger in response.
Smitty broke down, begging him not to punish her for obeying his orders, declaring that the only one who deserved punishment was him. Cicatriz considered this for a moment and put his pistol away. He agreed that it wasn’t her fault, which is why she should watch what’ll happen to her the next time it happens. With that, Cicatriz and his men began beating Smitty, while Jean held Cali back. All Cali could do was bark helplessly and watch her beloved master get beat to a bloody pulp.
After they finished, Cicatriz and his men left Smitty on the ground, but Jean stayed behind and helped him get back to the cabin with Cali leading the way. At the cabin, Jean cleaned him up and stitched his wounds, including his ankle. Smitty told the young man to leave him be, saying he did not need his help. Jean insisted it was the least he could do, seeing as how he was already banged up before they beat him to a pulp. He asked what the deal was with all the traps outside. Smitty growled that it was none of his concern and lied that they were just to ward off unwanted guests. Jean sensed that Smitty was not telling the full truth, but figured it best not to push the old man. He finished closing the wound and went to leave. Smitty stopped him and gave a reluctant “thanks”. He said that he knew that he only did this because that asshole Cicatriz ordered him to. Jean smiled and assured him that was not the case: he did it because he wanted to, simple as that.
That night, Cali slept by Smitty’s side in his bed. He experienced another nightmare set in one of his past battles in which he killed his first person, an enemy Union soldier, by driving the blade of his musket into his chest. He watched the light drain from his opponent’s eyes and let the weight of the kill fully sink into him.
When Smitty awoke from his dream, he heard Cali whimpering and staring at something in the corner of the room. Smitty looked over and saw what she was looking at. A flash of his dead opponent’s eyes match cuts with a pair of bright, glowing eyes at the foot of the bed. Both Smitty and Cali were paralyzed with fear as the creature creaked slowly along the room, its narrowed eyes the only things they could see of it in the pitch-black room.
Tail-y-po… Tail-y-po… ever… so… close… to my… Tail-y-po…
Smitty glared at the eyes and gritted his teeth as his hand slowly reached for something at his side.
Oh… so… close… to my… beloved…Tail-y-po…
Smitty screamed, chucking his hatchet at the creature. The creature scurried out of the bedroom into the main room. Smitty pursued him out there and found the front door wide open. He turned and stopped, collapsing to his knees at what he saw before him at the foot of the door: Uno and Ino’s lifeless, disemboweled bodies next to each other. Smitty broke down screaming while Shelley stood in a corner, crying and whimpering. Through a break in one of Smitty’s cries, he heard the creature’s voice echo out from beyond in the darkness.
Two down… two to go… ‘til I get… my… Tail-y-po…
…
The next day, after Smitty buried Uno and Ino and said a few solemn words of goodbye to them, Smitty barricaded himself and Cali in the house, completely boarding up the windows and the main door so that nothing could get in or out. Smitty braced himself for the creature’s return as day transitioned into night. He stayed up all night unable to sleep, with Cali by his side. Yet, surprisingly, the creature did not come back. However, Smitty was gripped with paranoia, traumatized over the previous night’s incident.
Another day and night passed by without incident. Smitty fed Cali some spare dog food but had nothing to eat or drink himself. As another day and night passed, slowly but surely, starvation and dehydration started to get to him, which made him quite irritable. He sometimes took his frustration out on Cali, shoving her away when she tried to get near him or yelling mean and spiteful things at her (calling her a “useless bitch”, wondering why she couldn’t be more like her brothers and had gone after that creature). Despite her loyalty to him, Cali purposefully distanced herself from Smitty, sensing he was not all himself.
The next day, Cali woke up to the sound of Smitty trashing the cabin. Cautiously, she approached him. Her foot made a creaking noise on the wooden ground. Smitty whipped around with a crazed look about him, almost possessed by something else entirely. From Smitty’s hallucinatory perspective, she practically looked like the bright, glowing-eyed creature stalking him. The raspy, echoey voice of the creature filled his mind with intense mockery. In a fit of rage, he lunged at her with his hatchet in hand. Cali evaded his attack, barking loudly to snap some sense back into him. He chased her around the cabin and completely turned it upside down trying to catch her.
Cali stopped right in front of the door, cornered by Smitty. In one final burst of anger, he barrelled at her like a bull. But Cali was too fast for him, moving out of the way in time. Smitty charged with enough furious force to blast through the airtight wooden door. Fearful for her life, Cali lept out of the doorway over a weakened Smitty, who briefly came to his senses, watching not the creature but his dog run off into the night before he collapsed unconscious.
Cali ran far through the forest, as far as her own weakened state could handle, before finally coming upon Cicatriz’s hunting camp. The group almost shoots her, believing her to be a wild animal, but they recognize her as Smitty’s dog. Jean wondered what she was doing here so far from Smitty’s place, but Cicatriz couldn't care less, saying that the next time he saw the dumb bastard, it would be with a bullet in his head. However, he was in a fairly good mood that night, due to the day’s successful hunt, and allowed Cali to stay under the stipulation that Jean look after her. Of course, Jean was more than content to do so. He fed Cali a nice warm meal and gave her plenty of water to drink. Although he had no idea what she was doing there at their camp, he promised to take her back to Smittey’s place in the early morning before the rest of the camp woke up. But Cali remains on edge, even after Jean and the whole camp head to sleep
That night, two watchmen stayed awake, playing cards to pass the time while they guarded the camp. A strange noise – a high-pitched meow – caught their attention. They went to investigate and found a pair of bright, glowing eyes peering out behind a tree. They got a good look at the creature (though the film does not show its full look). The men laughed at the size of the “dumb little pussycat”. One of the men pointed his gun at it and joked that it’d make a nice stew. Suddenly, the creature jumped up and swiftly ripped the man’s jugular straight out of him. The other man watched in disbelief as his buddy choked on his blood. Before he could react, the creature leaped onto the back of his head, clamped a fistful of the man’s long hair in its jaw, and yanked the guy’s scalp clean off. The last thing the man saw before he died was his buddy finally choking to death, involuntarily squeezing the trigger as he fell, the gun pointed right at him.
The shot rang throughout the camp, waking everyone up. Cicatriz, Jean, and the others went to investigate and found the bodies, seeing the second man’s front lobe spilling out his brains on the ground. They all freaked out, wondering if they were under attack by other humans, but Cicatriz noticed Cali’s whimpering reaction, realizing that it was something else entirely. Suddenly, the creature fell from a high branch onto Cicatriz, clawing the guy’s face to shreds. The camp descended into complete chaos. One by one, the creature took out every man. Hopping around a hot potato, it tore them all to pieces. Amidst the carnage, Jean tried to escape with Cali, but a bloody-faced Cicatriz held them both at gunpoint, telling them no one was going anywhere until that damn creature was--
He is cut off mid-sentence by the creature biting into the back of his spine. Jean and Cali took their chance and escaped. Cicatriz screamed in pain and fell back, dropping his gun and falling to the ground. While he lay paralyzed in the dirt, he saw the creature standing on top of his gun, twisting it around with its paw, pointing the barrel directly at his forehead. It curled one of its long nails around the trigger. “Fuck… me…” Cicatriz wheezed.
Bang! Jean and Cali heard the shot ring out but kept running. Soon, though, the creature was in hot pursuit, leaping from tree to tree after them. The pair sprinted and sprinted, but it was not nearly fast enough. The creature sprang from one of the trees and landed on Jean, pinning him to the ground. Cali barked helplessly as the creature tore into Jean. He screamed and pleaded with Cali to run home to Smittey before the creature dragged him off into the bushes to finish him off. Cali could do nothing but cower and whimper. Jean’s screams for mercy ranged throughout the forest before he was completely silenced.
Several beats of silence passed as Cali stood shaking in her spot… until she saw a pair of glowing, narrow eyes circling her in the darkness. The creature’s mouth curled into a bright, wide smile, showing off its sharp, pearly white jaws.
Tail-y-po… Tail-y-po… do you rest… in poor… pathetic… Cali… my… Tail-y-po…?
Slowly, Cali’s shaking and whimpering dissipated as the creature continued taunting her.
Poor… pathetic… Cali… can’t save her brothers… can’t save her father… can’t even save… herself…
But the creature stopped short, its ears perking up as it caught the low hum of a growl. A growl coming from Cali! Gradually, it built and built upon itself. Cali glared the creature down, gritting her teeth, showing anger for the first time. The creature’s bright eyes widened, genuinely surprised. But once more, they narrowed down, the grin growing wider.
But no matter… nothing… will keep me… from getting you… my… Tailpyo…!
The creature leaped toward Cali with jaws open… but Cali caught it in her mouth and shook it violently around. The creature yelped as it was flung all about.
Argh… let me go… you stupid bitch…!
Cali did let it go… through the air into a thick tree trunk! The creature slumped to the base, weakly picking itself up. It snarled at Cali, who matched it back with an even more powerful one. The creature snickered uncontrollably.
I… will… enjoy this… very much…!
The two animals lept towards each other… but the film abruptly cuts to black.
In the wee hours of the morning, Smitty weakly hobbled through the forest, calling out for Cali, but got no response. However, his nose caught the undeniable stench of death in the air. He walked some more before finding poor Jean’s crumpled body behind a bush. He looked around the immediate area and found Cali's bloodied collar lying on the ground. Smitty's heart raced as he tracked the pool of blood leading until it ran cold... on the banks of the unsettling foggy swamp.
Realizing the worst had come to pass, Smitty collapsed to his knees, burying his face in his hands as he broke into an uncontrollable sob. He cried and mourned for the loss of his three dogs – his only true friends in the entire world. Gone forever. But suddenly, from deep within the swamp, the fast wind carried a whisper that sent fear coursing back through Smitty.
Tail-y-po… Tail-y-po… at last… we will meet again… tonight… my… Tailypo…
Smitty returned to his senses, his remorseful sadness replaced with a deep, burning hatred, and he let out a cathartic scream of rage.
Over the subsequent hours, Smitty found and raided Cicatriz’s camp, devouring their food and taking anything of use he could find, wheeling all of it back in a cart. Back at his cabin, Smitty riddled the entire area full of traps and gunpowder. He lined every corner of his house with muskets and axes and hatchets galore. When he finished, he was still not satisfied. He traveled into town and made one last visit with the Tradesman, spending the last of his money on more traps. Concerned, the Tradesman asks what this is all about. Smitty did not tell him much, only that his best friends were all dead and that he was going to confront the thing that did it. The Tradesman offered to help Smitty, telling him whatever this was sounded dangerous. For once, Smitty genuinely thanked the Tradesman, assuring him that he helped him more than he could ever repay. The last thing he told the Tradesman was that if he didn’t come back to town midday the next day, assume the worst had happened.
That night, after Smitty finished rigging up the cabin, he enjoyed one last meal: a measly, moldy potato. After his last bite, he heard intense rustling coming closer from the woods. All the bear traps went off one by one, signaling the creature’s location to Smitty. A smile crept onto his face. Finally.
The familiar raspy voice of the creature began again, much deeper than before.
Tail-y-po… Tail-y-po… I know now… who’s got… my… Tail-y-po…!
The creature banged wildly on the front door. Smitty caressed his fingers on a string leading outside, connected to the trigger of a gun. He pulled and it fired into a line of gunpowder on the ground, setting off a massive blaze that ran around the whole house. The blast knocked the creature back. It raced around the perimeter, setting off more bear traps, and letting Smitty know its location. He heard it leap over the blazing ring of fire onto the roof of his cabin. Smitty smirked and shook his head. Big mistake.
He listened to it move above, guestimating its location. His fingers caressed a web of strings attached to several muskets bunched together, aimed directly at the roof. He pulled it and fired off several shots at once, blasting several holes through the rooftop. Smitty could hear the creature scurrying about up there, making its way to the chimney. He moved down a line of strings, pulling and setting them all off, further annihilating the roof. But the creature evaded all the shots, reaching the top of the chimney. Smittey retreated to a corner of the room behind another gun. The creature jumped into the chimney, crawling its way down the bricks. He saw a shadowy figure land at the base of the fireplace. Smittey aimed the gun at the floor of the fireplace… filled with gunpowder. “Got you." He fired and shot at the base, igniting a large blaze. Several seconds before he approached it. Yet, he found no burning corpse in the fire. Just then, the familiar raspy tone rose up from behind him.
Tail-y-po… Tail-y-po… once more… we’ll be together again… my… Tail-y-po…
Smitty whipped around but the creature attacked his leg, biting into the wound on his ankle. He shrieked in pain and tried to shake it off, but its jaws gripped tighter. Smitty grabbed a nearby hatchet, slashing at the creature and warding it away for only a few seconds before it returned to with its relentless attacks.
The Creature dashed around the cabin's interior, attacking Smitty from every which angle. Smitty used every sharp hatchet at his disposal, chucking and hurling them everywhere, but the creature's blinding speed was too much for him to keep up with. He lost sight of the thing for a brief second, but his eyes caught something moving into the shadows of a dark corner. Slowly, he cornered the spot, boxing the creature in. With careful precision, he flung a hatchet down into the dark corner... onto nothing. Smitty stared wide-eyed in disbelief and a sudden realization dawned on him.
From out of nowhere, the creature lept from behind and bit the back of his stitched-up leg. Smitty yelled in agony. He swung the ax down, trying to fling the creature off, but it held on tight, biting in deeper like a tick. Bearing the pain, Smitty raised his hatchet up, ready to strike it. As his arm fell, the creature suddenly detached and dashed into the shadows in a flash. But poor, careless Smitty could not react or readjust in time, and drove the sharp blade straight into his leg.
Smitty held it all in as he collapsed to his knees before letting it all out in one long, deeply agonizing scream. Outside the cabin, the flames from the ring of fire caught onto the wood and slowly spread over it. Crawling on the ground, Smitty tried warding the creature away with an axe but to no avail. The roof started to collapse. Debris fell around the fireplace, further spreading the flames into the cabin, and setting it ablaze.
Smitty retreated to his bedroom, slamming and barricading the door. The creature banged incessantly on the door. Cracks formed and spread all around the wood until, finally, it broke altogether. Backed into a corner behind the bed, Smitty cowered into a ball as the creature’s shadow slowly approached.
Tail-y-po… Tail-y-po… all this time… it was him… you were in… my… Tail-y-po…
The words hit Smitty all at once, his eyes widened with a sudden realization. A flashback shows the night he shot the creature’s tail off. He had cooked it and cut it up into four pieces, planning to share the other three with Uno, Ino, and Cali. However, his hunger overpowered him, and he ate all of the pieces.
Smitty broke down crying, admitting that it was him, and him alone, who ate the “Tailypo”. He cursed the creature, but mainly, he cursed himself, saying that none of his dogs deserved to die such horrible deaths for his mistake, wishing it was only him that was killed. He cried and laughed simultaneously, realizing the cruel irony of it all.
“I had it all along. You could’ve just killed me first and all of their lives could’ve been spared.”
An uncomfortable silence, save for the crackling, blazing fires spreading along the wall, hung in the air. The creature peeked its head around the corner, finally coming in to view out of the shadows. The short feline stepped toward Smitty with its stubby, oversized paws, inspecting him with its narrow, bloodshot eyes. It stopped and formed a large, Cheshire smile across its malicious mouth, extending as wide as its tufted ears.
I know… I’ve always known.
Smitty gasped, going white as a ghost. With that, the creature pounced on him. On the shadows cast by the flames on the wall, the creature tore into Smitty’s abdomen, completely gutting him as he screamed and screamed and screamed… before going quiet altogether. Before long, the entire cabin ignited into one giant bonfire, sending smoke high above the trees into the horizon.
…
The film cuts back to the story’s present day. The small group of men sit with wide eyes at the Tradesman, who stares into the blazing firepit. He continues, saying that the following morning, he found a rather peculiar at the front steps of his shop: none other than a bloodied and scarred Cali.
Remembering his last conversation with Smitty, he and his wife cleaned and stitched up Cali before he headed with a dozen men into the mountains with Cali as their guide. They reached Smitty’s log cabin. What was left of it, anyway. Everything but the chimney’s foundation was gone, with no sign of Smitty’s body. They did discover the massacred hunting party another two miles over, but even after a thorough search of the nearby woods, nobody could find evidence of Smitty anywhere. When they finished, the Tradesman returned to what remained of the cabin where he and Cali stood solemnly and paid their last respects before they left with the rest of the group.
After a long pause, seemingly indicating the end of the story, the men burst into laughter. They mockingly compliment the Tradesman for having such a vivid imagination to create an outlandish tale like that. While they laugh, the Tradesman interjects their hysterics to let out a shrill whistle. They become quiet when the Tradesman calls and motions for someone in the darkness to come out. “You hear that girl? These funny men don’t believe your story. What do you think of that, huh?”
From out of the darkness steps out an older-looking Cali. The men gawk at her appearance, pointing out the numerous scars lining up and down her body. But she keeps a calm demeanor, lying down next to the Tradesman. He looks back at the men, who sit quietly in their log seats, staring at Cali. She keeps her eyes trained on the dark woods not far from them. “See, I wasn’t quite done yet,” says the Tradesman. He continues.
As he, Cali, and the rest of the search party headed back to town, an unusually chill breeze swept down from the mountain and hit them all at once. While they stood still there, they swore they could hear an airy voice between the sharp gusts. The Tradesman leans in towards the fire, a smile curling on his lips.
Tail-y-po…
Cali slowly lifts her scarred head, emanating a low growl as she gazes into the woods. A chill runs up all of the men’s spines. They all turn their heads to look where Cali’s gazing.
Tail-y-po…
The camera slowly zooms into the silhouetted trees. A cold gust of wind weaves and flows through the space between the hundreds upon hundreds of them.
I… finally… got… my…………..
Cut to black.
Tailypo
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A solid film but I much prefer Reservoir Dogs and Jackie Brown from that early era of Tarantino’s career.