Panda's Ill-Adviced, Unneeded, Unnecessary, and Inappropriate Countdown of 69 2013 Movies

[The Panda]

53.The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

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When we left this movie my four year old niece said, "This should have been called the Secret Life of Walter Shitty!"  and she was absolutely right.  Every plot 'twist' I saw coming a mile away, and speaking of miles, I could have ran a mile each time a montage indie music travel scene showed up and not missed a thing about the movie.  What makes this movie bad is that it actually thinks it's good, it's so pretentious by trying to be hip and stylistic that it's just bland.  The short story was a great piece of work, but it's a short story for a reason.

[luna]

this is awesome. is it possible that the ability of some people here to understand textual inflection is so inconceivably awful that they haven't cottoned on?

Edited February 11, 2014 by lisa

[The Panda]

52.Olympus Has Fallen

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This movie got so many comparisons to Die Hard, and frankly I just don't see it, the biggest difference between these two is that Die Hard was actually good.  Olympus Has Fallen is pretty much a story my four year old niece's 12 year old brother could have written and the villains were probably some of the most laughably bad in a movie trying to actually be good.  It takes itself way to seriously, so instead of being dumb fun it's simply just dumb.

[The Panda]

51.We're the Millers

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So apparently the one time Jennifer Aniston plays a stripper, she doesn't actually strip, I call false advertising there.  Everybody knows the only reason We're the Millers was a hit was because all the guys saw the word stripper next to a picture of Aniston, so they took their girls to it claiming it'd be a hilarious rom-com.   And even my four year old niece agrees that this movie was dull, unoriginal, and completely unarousing.

[The Panda]

50.The Purge

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Even my all knowing, 4 year old niece couldn't figure out for the life of her what this movie was trying to be.  If it was trying to be a horror movie it definitely wasn't scary.  If it was trying to be a high-concept sci-fi thriller, the concept wasn't high (although a high person may have thought of it), convincing, or thrilling.  And even its supposed, "All crime is legal", premise failed when the entire movie took place inside one house and didn't even need to concept for the plot to function.  2013 really was the year of false advertising.

[iceroll]

Is this 4 year old niece thing a joke?  I don't know if I can take these seriously with the comic sans font lol

[The Panda]

Is this 4 year old niece thing a joke?  I don't know if I can take these seriously with the comic sans font lol

 

My four year old niece would be insulted at being called a joke.

 

And Comic Sans for life.  (Also, this list is my actual ranking for my top 69 movies of 2013, with the exceptions of the Hobbit and Man of Steel which I just put on here to hate on)

Edited February 12, 2014 by The Panda

[baumer]

50.The Purge

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Even my all knowing, 4 year old niece couldn't figure out for the life of her what this movie was trying to be.  If it was trying to be a horror movie it definitely wasn't scary.  If it was trying to be a high-concept sci-fi thriller, the concept wasn't high (although a high person may have thought of it), convincing, or thrilling.  And even its supposed, "All crime is legal", premise failed when the entire movie took place inside one house and didn't even need to concept for the plot to function.  2013 really was the year of false advertising.

 

Why does a film have to be one thing and not the other?  The Purge is a highly unrealistic and fantastically entertaining film.  It didn't have to be one simple idea.

[The Panda]

Why does a film have to be one thing and not the other?  The Purge is a highly unrealistic and fantastically entertaining film.  It didn't have to be one simple idea.

 

I didn't think it succeeded at anything it was trying to be, and I also thought it wasted its premise and became a cliche horroresque thriller.

 

49.The Wolverine

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"Why'd you make me go see this cliche, action fest uncle?  Do you hate me or something?" is what my four year old niece told me after we walked out of this film.  I had to quickly explain that I did not hate her, but in order to help her grow as a cinephile she must sit through the typical, cliche, forgettable fodder in order to truly tell the great films apart.  And that is what this movie is, forgettable fodder in a summer line up, that wasn't necessary, and is a 2 hours that is quickly forgotten.

[The Panda]

48.John Dies at the End

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Many say a bold and ambitious failure is better than a half-hearted success, but I say a bold and ambitious failure is still a fucking failure.  It's overly weird for the sake of being weird, and even my four year old niece couldn't follow this plot (THAT SAYS A LOT, OKAY?!).  It's ultimately a pointless, unfunny, waste of time.

Edited February 13, 2014 by The Panda

[The Panda]

47.Mama

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Alright, I'll give my first legitimate compliment, those devil children were freaky as fuck, even my four year old niece was impressed.  Despite that, the movie was a disgrace to have Del Torro's name unrightfully plastered all over it.  When compared to the other outings of January it does appear to be good, but that's just because you're comparing dogshit with a typical, below average horror film.  In the end it's just blatantly forgettable, and that's one of the worst things a film can be.

[The Panda]

46.The Heat

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Speaking of typical movie fodder, here's another film that happens to be just that.  Now, The Heat did have a disadvantage of being the comedy to follow This is the End, but that doesn't change the fact that the Heat is still nothing but serviceable.  I mean when my four year old niece only found it "kind of funny" then you know there's not much to offer.

[The Panda]

45.The Croods

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Continuing the trend of forgettable movies, next up is the Croods, which was cliche, animated fodder.  There is nothing at all special about this movie, nothing memorable about this movie, it is (again) just purely serviceable.  2013 was a pretty horrible year for animation (there were 3 that I will say were at least decent), and my 4 year old niece definitely agrees (Which is why she has gotten more into the horror and thriller genre, these animations bored her to much).  And again, just because the Croods is serviceable in no way makes it good, or award nominee worthy (I am looking at you Oscars).

[The Panda]

44.Kick-Ass 2

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This only ranked so high because Hit Girl is almost exactly like my four year old niece, so I find it fairly amusing.  On an actual quality front, Kick-Ass 2 is a massive step down from the innovative original, it isn't that funny, and the action is all overdone.  Honestly, the entire movie felt very 'been there, done that' esque.

[The Panda]

Something happened to my list, the file got corrupted and I have been planning for a Best 250 of all time list anyways, so I'm going to cancel the rest of this due to technical errors.  I may or may not post my full list for 2013 sometime later but...

[baumer]

Okay, canceled.