Panda's Ill-Adviced, Unneeded, Unnecessary, and Inappropriate Countdown of 69 2013 Movies

[The Panda]

Welcome to the Panda's completely unneeded, pointless addition to the countdown which is going to be exactly like all of the other countdowns you have read.  There will be nothing special about this countdown at all, but here it goes.

 

The entire thread will be devoted to writing about how my top 69 movies of the year suck ass and deserve to be burned at the stake,

 

69. Jackass Presents Bad Grandpahttp://img2-3.timeinc.net/ew/i/2013/FMP/Previews/Jackass-Bad-Grandpa.jpg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

This is another of the countless times where the funniest scene in the movie was shown in the trailer.  Because of that the movie was completely suck ass.  This movie was inappropriate to take my 4 year old niece to and for that I have to say this movie is really terrible.  Okay I may have possibly laughed a lot while watching this movie but I felt it was only appropriate to put the Jackass movie on the number 69 slot because well...I seem to have developed a sense of 14 year old sex humor and so that's just how it's going to be.  This movie honestly wasn't all that bad I'm just writing hate about it because I can.

Edited February 9, 2014 by The Panda

[The Panda]

68. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs 2

http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2013/09/26/Cloudy-Chance-Meatballs-2-BO-03.jpg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

This movie is propaganda to get children fat, so taking my four year old niece to this was even more inappropriate than taking her to Jackass because she probably gained 20 pounds since she saw this, and that's not because she's growing.  Obesity is a problem in America and this movie officially made it worse because movies are the source of all problems in civil society.  SHAME ON YOUR CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF MEATBALLS 2!

[The Panda]

67. You're Next

http://img2.timeinc.net/ew/i/2013/07/30/Youre-Next.jpg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

I took my 4 year old niece to this one thinking it'd be a nice Disney movie about pigs, boy was I wrong, and boy did it suck! (Just like all the other movies on this list)  I mean how does a pig with a crossbow even make any sense, and why are people scared of pigs?  Next, why do the pigs look like humans wearing pig masks?  This movie is so riddled with plotholes I don't even know what to think of it.

[rukaio101]

Well this is certainly..... something.

[The Panda]

Well this is certainly..... something.

 

If this is the reaction than I am succeeding in my goals.

 

 

66. Epic

http://www.miami.com/sites/migration.miami.com/files/images/epic_movie_2013-1024x768.jpg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

I let my 4 year old niece sit out on this one because I figured she would find it boring, and boy was that a good call!  I should sue Blue Sky for false advertising because this movie might have been the most boring, epic movie I have ever seen in my life.  It was so cliche'd, and it's practically a rip off of everybodies favorite animated movie, Ferngully.

[The Panda]

65. Lone Survivor

http://www.slate.com/content/dam/slate/articles/arts/movies/2014/01/140102_MOV_LoneSurvivor.jpg.CROP.promo-mediumlarge.jpg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

There was once a time when war movies were war movies and not patriotic, america loving fests.  There was a time when we could watch our Red Dawn, Flags of Our Father, and Born on the Fourth of July without being subjugated to pro-American propaganda.  Because of this movie my 4 year old niece now has an American flag in her room, can you believe that?  Besides in the ACTUAL story there was no falling down 50 cliffs and an overly long action scene that never ended, it was about how the Arabs were actually the heroes who helped the Lone Survivor survive.  And so Lone Survivor is suck worthy and deserving of this list of all suckiness.

[The Panda]

64. Man of Steel

http://oyster.ignimgs.com/wordpress/stg.ign.com/2013/04/man-of-steel-flag.jpg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

This movie only made the list so I could talk about how bad it was.  For me, watching Man of Steel was like getting anally raped by big chuck from Identity Thief in which he uses an ice cream cone as a condom, only to still give you AIDS, HIV, Claps, and all sexually transmitted diseases you could think of.  Thank god my four year old niece didn't watch this or she'd end up worse than Jared Leto in Dallas Buyer's Club.

[Plain Old Tele]

Such hatred.

[4815162342]

65. Lone Survivor

There was a time when we could watch our Red Dawn without being subjugated to pro-American propaganda.

Um what?

[The Panda]

63. Turbo

http://www.hollywoodreporter.com/sites/default/files/2013/07/turbo_1.jpg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

Even my four year old niece was able to figure out that this was just a Ratatouille mixed with Cars rip-off (because everything Dreamworks done is stolen from Pixar, the internet told me so).   The movie is atrociously boring, and it's so childish that even children realize it's to childish and pass on this snoozefest.

[The Panda]

62. The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug

http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2013/12/22/arts/spiders-video-image/spiders-video-image-articleLarge-v2.jpg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

This is another movie I just put on here so I could hate on how bad it was.  The only good thing about this movie was the visual effects and the actors giving an attempt to act well, but there isn't much time to act when the only person on the screen is Legolas shooting his bow.  I mean the only reason my four year old niece enjoyed this movie was because she thought Legolas was pretty, but I guess that's the only thing they were trying to show off anyways.

[The Panda]

61.Oz: The Great and Powerful

http://www.joblo.com/video/media/screenshot/hottie_mila_kunis_oz_the_great_and_powerful_cleavage.jpg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

 

What a disgrace to the Wizard of Oz, and most importantly a disgrace to the Wicked Witch of the West!  I mean even my obligatory mention of my four year old niece realized that Mila Kunis was quite possibly the worst possible choice for the Wicked Witch you could possibly pick.  On one hand Mila Kunis was by far the worst part of the terrible movie, but on the other hand this close up cleavage shot of her might just be the only good thing about this movie.  (No wonder Disney decided to show the Wicked Witch's boobs all over the marketing, you sell what's good)

Edited February 10, 2014 by The Panda

[The Panda]

60.Evil Dead

http://cinema-scope.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/Evil-Dead-Evil-Basement-chick.jpg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

I never really got the love for The Evil Dead in the first place, but this movie just made it all worse.  It wasn't scary at all, and the gore was just boring, even my 4 year old niece fell asleep during this, but that might have been because we went to the late night premiere.   What a waste of a late night showing though, but it's not like this "horror" movie stopped me from sleeping.

[The Panda]

59.How to Make Money Selling Drugs

http://14bb18348568cf6c48ec-cde16cf5c35d33e882e13bbe648f334c.r8.cf2.rackcdn.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/drugs.jpg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

It's way to satirical, and completely over empathetic to the drug dealers, I mean why make the drug war seem like a complete joke?  I mean my four year old niece is now aspiring to become a drug dealer because of this and they think it's appropriate to make a joke out of drugs?  I'm sure Jordan Belfort would back me up here on how serious and not fun drugs are, and how the business should be scrutinized to every extreme.

[The Panda]

58.World War Z

http://www.digitaltrends.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/06/World-War-Z-special-effects-helicopter-41.jpg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

Look at that picture and tell me that isn't silly, I repeat look at that picture and try and tell me that it isn't absolutely ridiculous.  Even my 4 year old niece talked about how fake those zombies were and how a real zombie wouldn't even be able to move, but then again she also believed Cloudy's fattening propaganda.   You want to know what I did as soon as I walked out of World War Z?  I went pee.  (I'm sorry, I thought the rhyme was funny)

[The Panda]

57.Emperor

http://www.ashvegas.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/03/Emperor-Movie-5.jpg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

I don't even know if this movie even made it wide release, and for good reason.  The plot was so cliche even my four year old niece, that we all know and love, knew that the 'love' story was so forced and completely detracted from what would be an interesting plot.  Instead of trying to create a looking case at whether or not the Japanese emperor was guilty (apparently what the movie was about) it made up a sappy love story that ends just how you think it will.

Edited February 11, 2014 by The Panda

[Films]

60.Evil Dead

http://cinema-scope.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/Evil-Dead-Evil-Basement-chick.jpg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

I never really got the love for The Evil Dead in the first place, but this movie just made it all worse.  It wasn't scary at all, and the gore was just boring, even my 4 year old niece fell asleep during this, but that might have been because we went to the late night premiere.   What a waste of a late night showing though, but it's not like this "horror" movie stopped me from sleeping.

 

Your 4 Year Old Niece Saw The Evil Dead!!!

[The Panda]

56. The Bling Ring

http://cdn.thedailybeast.com/content/dailybeast/articles/2013/05/21/the-real-bling-ring-where-are-they-now/jcr:content/image.crop.800.500.jpg/1369125916149.cached.jpg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

It was nice to look at during many parts, but there was absolutely nothing to the characters, and the director never explored the depth of a plot.  My four year old niece pointed out this should have been a character study, but instead it was a cruel attempt at attempting to portray modern culture as shallow and meaningless.  I mean honestly, a movie has to have deep, intriguing themes to be good, obviously.

[The Panda]

55. Insidious Chapter 2

http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/kaAA806oaVo/maxresdefault.jpg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

I thought horror movies were supposed to be scary?  I took my 4 year old niece to see this when I got mad at her, that way I could scare her to death and teach her a lesson, and she thought it was a comedy!  It's an absolute shame this movie has the name Insidious on it, because it really wasn't anything that a horror movie is supposed to be.

[The Panda]

54.Now You See Me

http://cdn.bleedingcool.net/wp-content/uploads//2012/11/now-you-see-me-600x423.jpeg' alt='Posted Image' class='bbc_img' />

 

An absolute jumbled mess, and what a waste of a good ensemble cast this was too.  The movie plays the plot twist card to attempt and mindlessly distract you from the actual missing plot and character depth, as said by my 4 year old niece who always shares the same opinion as I do.  What could have been an entertaining magic show turned into a wannabe Prestige (which wasn't even that good).