cookie Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 Following the tragic passing of PANDER-BOT 9000 (rest in hell you spineless piece of-) the editorial board has decided to let me back, if only temporarily. I'll start calendar-reviewing on Sunday/Monday, but I'm up for any requests made before then (must be someone else's film, not yours!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cookie Posted January 9, 2018 Author Share Posted January 9, 2018 Eh, might as well do January since it's low on films. You guys can still do requests for the rest of the year. January Mostly Human Terminator Salvation but in Japan. Having an all-Japanese cast is welcome, and the breezy pace and interestingly subversive ending helps elevate an otherwise shallow film. If you've already had your fill of The Hunchback of Notre Dame and ReBoot from last year this ain't half bad at a discount price. B-/C+ Bloody Mary "Frank who is a flight attendant and got the job because he struggled to find one in the job market." I buy a lot of things but I don't buy that, movie (especially since I have experience applying for flight attendant jobs). "They meet up at a beautiful hotel in New York City. After exchanging greetings, they head up to the stunning suite. It is the only suite on the floor and is located at the very top of the hotel." I spoke too soon. This is the very next scene. College graduates from a year back, all with rather non-prestigious jobs being able to afford a luxury suite in New York City? Bitch please. That's strike one. Strike two, you gave my man crush Taron Edgerton a thankless role. You don't do that without me calling you out on it. Strike three, despite being called Bloody Mary the film barely connects to the original urban legend outside of the "say her name in the mirror" part. Ignore that and it's a generic spookhouse gore movie. Granted, the gore effects are well done (and Andres Muschietti's solid direction saves it from being completely insufferable) but done without much rhyme or purpose. Strike four, what was the point of that ending? What did it accomplish? Nothing. This movie is just bad. D+ Two Lonely Zookeepers *random portal opens* Wait, who are you? I'm you, but from the 2.0 timeline. ...I've got surprisingly little to say about that. I saw this movie. It sucked. What?! It can't suck, it got Tom Cruise and... Ansel Elgort?! Crap. You're still gonna watch it? I warn you, it's really bad. I have a job to do, so... you'll join me? Not a chance. Enjoy the torture, jackass. *exits through the same portal* *Two hours later* I should've taken that guy's advice. D Last Chapter Very much on the light side despite a conceptually heavy third act. Would've worked better if Kyle was woven into the plot more to be honest. Not much else to say about it, really. C Sasquatch I'm pretty sure that logger has far greater problems on his hands than a sasquatch if his response to failing to cut down trees is to set fire to the whole forest. I'm just saying the criminal charges would be through the roof. Besides that it's harmless family fare. C 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethan Hunt Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 Glorious TLZ review 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cookie Posted January 9, 2018 Author Share Posted January 9, 2018 Somehow missed January Gem, so here it is: January Gem Not sure why this needed to be a mockumentary, plus as a satire it carries virtually no bite. Stiller, Black and Ferrel are all amusing enough to make it tolerable for 90 minutes, but they seem aimless. Wouldn't it be funnier if Greene's attempt at making a good movie resulted in an even worse movie than his usual trash? C- 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cookie Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 Gonna read Truth Is tonight @Hiccup23 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hiccup23 Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 51 minutes ago, cookie said: Gonna read Truth Is tonight @Hiccup23 Saw the notification and thought you had review it. Never scrolled so slowly down a thread lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cookie Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 Just now, Hiccup23 said: Saw the notification and thought you had review it. Never scrolled so slowly down a thread lol I'm reading it now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cookie Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 *Song from Suicide Squad plays* Don't test my patience, movie. *Tyler meets a barista named Kyler* No seriously movie, don't test my patience. I'm warning you. "Tyler rests against the wall panting exhausted after orgasming twice in a row" "He says he can’t orgasm twice in one night." But... you just did. Did nobody proofread this?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hiccup23 Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 (edited) 11 minutes ago, cookie said: *Song from Suicide Squad plays* Don't test my patience, movie. *Tyler meets a barista named Kyler* No seriously movie, don't test my patience. I'm warning you. "Tyler rests against the wall panting exhausted after orgasming twice in a row" "He says he can’t orgasm twice in one night." But... you just did. Did nobody proofread this?! I did, guess it slipped through the cracks Edited January 14, 2018 by Hiccup23 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YM! Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 4 minutes ago, Hiccup23 said: slipped through the cracks Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezen Baklattan Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 19 minutes ago, cookie said: *Song from Suicide Squad plays* Don't test my patience, movie. *Tyler meets a barista named Kyler* No seriously movie, don't test my patience. I'm warning you. "Tyler rests against the wall panting exhausted after orgasming twice in a row" "He says he can’t orgasm twice in one night." But... you just did. Did nobody proofread this?! Whoops, even I didn’t notice that. It was confusing to see Kyler and Tyler confused, haha, but it was a bit easier in that, as problematic as it was... Kyler has literally no screen time after the first hour Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hiccup23 Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 1 minute ago, The Shape of Pasta said: Whoops, even I didn’t notice that. It was confusing to see Kyler and Tyler confused, haha, but it was a bit easier in that, as problematic as it was... Hide contents Kyler has literally no screen time after the first hour Oh Spoiler he will be back in the third 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hiccup23 Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 6 minutes ago, YourMother the Edgelord said: Try copying and pasting a 182,000 word story into Google docs and editing it down to a 13,700~ story. Somethings are bound to accidentally find there way into the final product despite 2 proofreads. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethan Hunt Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 I didn't like Kyler. dude added nothing to the movie 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YM! Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 5 minutes ago, Hiccup23 said: Try copying and pasting a 182,000 word story into Google docs and editing it down to a 13,700~ story. Somethings are bound to accidentally find there way into the final product despite 2 proofreads. You said slipped through the cracks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezen Baklattan Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 8 minutes ago, Hiccup23 said: Try copying and pasting a 182,000 word story into Google docs and editing it down to a 13,700~ story. Somethings are bound to accidentally find there way into the final product despite 2 proofreads. No I definitely commend you for editing it down - seems like it would be longer than maybe every CAYOM 3.0 film combined in the original length, heh. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cookie Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 (edited) Night Light I'll have to start by saying that during the classroom nightmare scene all I could think of was that Nightmare on Elm Street parody on The Simpsons. I half expected Groundskeeper Willie to show up and strangle the kid with his tongue. In all seriousness, I found the first half pretty effective in how it built up the suspense and left you sometimes guessing if everything the kid sees is real or not (plus keeping it from his perspective made the parents' actions all the more intriguing). There's a shot near halfway through that's actually kinda genius in its subtle execution. Unfortunately for whatever reason the film decides to drop all sense of suspense after that by just having the monsters come out and attack, and the rules for how they work seem to change from scene to scene. Granted the eventual reveal of what one of the monsters look like is kinda cool, but again I miss the build-up of the first half (especially since some of the mysteries set up never pay off). Not terrible by any means, but disappointing. C+ Truth Is Oh boy, here we go. Last year I said that Poison & Wine's central problem was its undeserved length. The makers seem to have listened and shortened its sequel down to 110 minutes, which is good. *110 minutes later* UUUURRRRGRHGGSGHDSGGDVGSdhjnvd fajbhakdhfuasdfhjbadfkhbjdaafkhufbhjd THIS MOVIE SUCKS I don't want to have to write out an entire essay about how THIS MOVIE SUCKS But I'm going to give you this: the first movie was overlong and tedious, but at least it had some interesting parts. This is either aggravatingly insane or just fucking dull. Characters change their minds without rhyme or reason, developments are made that you'd think would come up in the last movie but somehow did not, Margot Robbie is so cartoonishly evil I expected her to start cackling and send flying monkeys to attack Tyler and Hunter etc. All that would be unintentionally hilarious if so much of the movie wasn't just boring filler. If you expect to be titilated by sex scenes I can tell you they're made tamer and less frequent than in the last movie so you're not even gonna get much of that. It's like the franchise suddenly decided it wanted to be more classy and polished when it should have just gone in the opposite direction to up the entertainment value. I even gave the original movie an award for at least having faith in its own material. This acts like it's ashamed of itself, and given what the movie is about that's kinda messed up. Oh, and allow me to bring back this old gem: WHY IS NOBODY CALLING THE POLICE?! D- Edited January 14, 2018 by cookie 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YM! Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 Where’s the rest of February? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted January 14, 2018 Share Posted January 14, 2018 9 minutes ago, cookie said: Night Light There's a shot near halfway through that's actually kinda genius in its subtle execution. ...which one? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cookie Posted January 14, 2018 Author Share Posted January 14, 2018 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Xillix said: ...which one? The one with the shadow in the background and a monster hand forming out of it which you could only see if you paid attention. I really enjoyed that. Edited January 14, 2018 by cookie 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
