Xillix Posted April 23, 2018 Share Posted April 23, 2018 I'll be going through month by month and reviewing all the films in order, as per usual. Make peace with whatever gods you may have. Though probably not the Egyptian ones since I killed most of them last year. Greeks might be iffy too considering @YourMother the Edgelord and @Rorschach's slates this year. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rorschach Posted April 23, 2018 Share Posted April 23, 2018 3 minutes ago, Xillix said: I'll be going through month by month and reviewing all the films in order, as per usual. Make peace with whatever gods you may have. Though probably not the Egyptian ones since I killed most of them last year. Greeks might be iffy too considering @YourMother the Edgelord and @Rorschach's slates this year. You won’t find much peace in mine. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted April 23, 2018 Author Share Posted April 23, 2018 JANUARY Homestar Runner's Cruddy Debut Movie "I have a lot of questions after watching this, but I don't think there are any answers I could understand without watching Flash animations from nearly two decades ago, so I won't bother asking any of them. At least the title is honest." Not Funny "Hey look, two out of two for transparency in titling. Sadly, the dramatic elements are just as ineffective in this clichéd, tonally confused dramadey that wastes a pair of likable leads." Chessmen "It's cheap, doesn't really seem to make any sense, and has some half-baked theological themes that I'm not even sure are intentional, but Chessmen is reasonably harmless fluff for very young kids, especially at home where the parents can be doing something - anything - besides sitting there and watching it for an hour and a half." Conductive "Usually a major blockbuster being rescheduled into a dump month like January is a bad sign, but... I'm just kidding, there's no 'but.' This is a troubled movie, filled with plot holes (Max's scar, Hound being either a detective or engineer depending on the scene) and poor writing (TechCorp, really?). Sam Raimi and the cast are talented enough to elevate the sloppy script to a level of moderate watchability, but this isn't a good way to start a franchise - or a new studio sub-label, for that matter." Exorcism of Jessica Winters "The usually-reliable Mike Flanagan delivers a rushed, derivative, scare-free exorcism flick with a groan-inducing ending." From Earth to Infinity: An Odyssey Through Space "Well, it's a typical IMAX space documentary inexplicably stretched out to feature length, with narration from an uninterested Amy Adams, that at least looks pretty in 3D. I fell asleep a couple of times, though, so if you're tired and your theatre has comfortable seats, this has the potential to be the best moviegoing experience of January." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezen Baklattan Posted April 23, 2018 Share Posted April 23, 2018 The best film of January has 2 stars. Gotta love that month. Also, I realized the unwitting religious themes in Chessmen after I copied it from 2.0.....awkward. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted April 23, 2018 Author Share Posted April 23, 2018 FEBRUARY Ice Station "A nonsensical, incoherent mess of a film completely devoid of characterization and basic plot structure. Who are any of these people? Why is any of this happening? I've seen the movie, and I still have no idea." Dark Side "The conclusion to this unlikely trilogy is, for what it's worth, the best of the films - or at least the most entertaining. It's finally trashy and ridiculous enough to be a reasonably fun gold-and-cheese melodrama without overstaying its welcome - even with all plot holes and overbaked histrionics." My Peoples "A sweet and charming tale that explores relationships in a way simple enough for children to understand without coming across as overly sappy." Father "At times preposterous, and woefully underwritten, Father is a missed opportunity that at least gets most of the basics right." LiveStream "Pulpy and slightly predictable, LiveStream is a merely-passable thriller for teens and young adults who won't mind that the whole thing looks like a crappy Vine video." 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YM! Posted April 23, 2018 Share Posted April 23, 2018 2 minutes ago, Xillix said: My Peoples "A sweet and charming tale that explores relationships in a way simple enough for children to understand without coming across as overly sappy." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hiccup23 Posted April 23, 2018 Share Posted April 23, 2018 Shockingly good review for Dark Side Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezen Baklattan Posted April 23, 2018 Share Posted April 23, 2018 45 minutes ago, Xillix said: LiveStream "Pulpy and slightly predictable, LiveStream is a merely-passable thriller for teens and young adults who won't mind that the whole thing looks like a crappy Vine video." To be fair, TANGERINE and UNSANSE were also filmed using iPhones and they look pretty tight. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted April 23, 2018 Author Share Posted April 23, 2018 3 hours ago, Isle of Pasta said: To be fair, TANGERINE and UNSANSE were also filmed using iPhones and they look pretty tight. Agree to disagree but what I've seen of Unsane looks like crap Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YM! Posted April 23, 2018 Share Posted April 23, 2018 I’m sweating bullets rn as Stitch is next. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethan Hunt Posted April 23, 2018 Share Posted April 23, 2018 11 minutes ago, YourMother the Edgelord said: I’m sweating bullets rn as Stitch is next. I'm reading it now Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rorschach Posted April 23, 2018 Share Posted April 23, 2018 Just now, Ethan Hunt said: I'm reading it now I already read it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted April 23, 2018 Author Share Posted April 23, 2018 MARCH Earth Defense Force "The government of Earth names the aliens 'Ravagers' before they've done anything remotely aggressive? Racist. Also, who the hell is Hector and why is he 300 feet tall? Look, this is huge, loud, and dumb, and I guess that's fine, but it'd be nice if it didn't expect the audience to have played the niche game franchise." Nerdy "A totally by-the-numbers but reasonably competent middle school flick. If your kid has an allergic reaction to any of the thousands of movies which have relayed the same message, often better, because they're more than a year old - then sure, you can take them to see this." 2 Lonely 2 Zookeepers "Well, it's more tonally consistent than the original, and I guess it's funny in a couple places?" Student Film "A coming-of-age film from a unique perspective, it doesn't dig as deep as it perhaps should but is still a fun little ode to the creative spirit of youth." The Bronze Bow "It's one of those church-group movie-sermons that doesn't really have the budget or ambition to pull off its Biblical Epic ambitions, not helped by the completely baffling choice of Guy Ritchie as director. But it's at least a real movie that doesn't instantly demonize all non-believers, which is a step up from a lot of these sorts of projects." The Storyteller "As with so many of Tarsem's films, The Storyteller is striking visually but lacking in plot and character, painting its themes in broad, beautiful strokes. It sometimes has the feeling of a half-forgotten, incomplete tale handed down through oral tradition, which may be the point, but doesn't always make a compelling way to spend over two hours." Lilo and Stitch "There's nothing horribly wrong with this revamp, and some of the changed or expanded character motivations are interesting, but it could've definitely used a few more editing passes to even out some rough and sloppy assembly. It's well-intended and watchable, but for most purposes you're better off sticking to the animated original." 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezen Baklattan Posted April 23, 2018 Share Posted April 23, 2018 Second best film of the quarter? I’ll take it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ethan Hunt Posted April 23, 2018 Share Posted April 23, 2018 Yeah! 2L2Z starting off better than it's predecessor Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YM! Posted April 23, 2018 Share Posted April 23, 2018 1 minute ago, Isle of Pasta said: Second best film of the quarter? I’ll take it. Surprised My Peoples is number one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezen Baklattan Posted April 23, 2018 Share Posted April 23, 2018 2 minutes ago, YourMother the Edgelord said: Surprised My Peoples is number one. You’ll find out if I liked the revamped version tonight! Gotta run some errands and calls, not to mention make dinner, but I’m gonna try and read some stuff tonight. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YM! Posted April 23, 2018 Share Posted April 23, 2018 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Isle of Pasta said: You’ll find out if I liked the revamped version tonight! Gotta run some errands and calls, not to mention make dinner, but I’m gonna try and read some stuff tonight. Spoiler The only real changes are more of a bluegrass theme, an extra song, and expanding more on Angel. Edited April 23, 2018 by YourMother the Edgelord Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted April 23, 2018 Author Share Posted April 23, 2018 (edited) APRIL Penguins "I mean penguins are pretty cute." The Lonely "Though Verbinski makes it typically stylish, The Lonely is ultimately a thoroughly unpleasant watch with a simple, unoriginal message it hammers into you time and time again to ludicrous lengths. It's like if Reefer Madness were a scare-flick about social media, without any of the ironic charm." Battletoads "Action-packed and sporadically funny, Battletoads won't leave you bored. Sadly, it feels a bit rushed and unpolished, and the warts on this toad of a film keep it from being more than mediocre." RuPaul's Best Friend Race "Look, I don't have anything against RuPaul's Drag Race, but this isn't even a movie - it's an 'all-stars' season of the show crammed into an hour and a half that flies by so quickly as to leave behind nothing but a pile of glitter and a whole mess of confusion. With less than ten minutes on average between eliminations, nothing has any room to breathe, and if you don't already know the people involved, well, you'll still have no idea who any of them are after. Again, as a proper season of the TV show, this would've been fine, but the decision to smoosh it down to 90 minutes and give it a hilariously wide theatrical release ranks right up there with remaking Salo on the list of 'incomprehensibly bad moviemaking decisions.'" Edited April 23, 2018 by Xillix 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YM! Posted April 23, 2018 Share Posted April 23, 2018 3 minutes ago, Xillix said: Battletoads "Action-packed and sporadically funny, Battletoads won't leave you bored. Sadly, it feels a bit rushed and unpolished, and the warts on this toad of a film keep it from being more than mediocre." Where would you rank it with Crash Bandicoot and Spyro? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
