Xillix' Unreasonably Critical Reviews, Y3

[Ezen Baklattan]

4 minutes ago, YourMother the Edgelord said:

So did I but

Lotor > Homeward

I sort of agree... 

[Ezen Baklattan]

6 minutes ago, YourMother the Edgelord said:

4/5 is an A-?

It’s probably on the fringe of B+ and A-.

[Xillix]

Per Metacritic's own chart a 4/5 is closer to a B+.

Edited April 24, 2018 by Xillix

[cookie]

1 minute ago, Xillix said:

Per Metacritic's own chart a 4/5 is closer to a B+.

A B+ is worth 83 on Metacritic so 4/5 is closer to between it and a standard B.

[Xillix]

17 minutes ago, cookie said:

A B+ is worth 83 on Metacritic so 4/5 is closer to between it and a standard B.

Though tbh this is one of the major flaws with review aggregates in general - IMO a 4-star rating has a very different connotation than a B or B- grade.

[Xillix]

(THE REST OF) MAY

 

Redeeming Love

"An exploitative, icky, uncomfortable and ill-advised film, the sort of thing Cannon Films would have financed in the 80s aiming for prestige without knowing how to get there. The worst by far of the O$corp-DuVernay Mother's Day trilogy - perhaps they ought to give it a break next year."

 

BioShock

"Reminiscent of Numerator's take on The Human Revolution last year, BioShock is clearly made with respect and reverence to the source material that ultimately results in an interesting concept that simply hasn't been re-jiggered well enough for the screen. This one feels a bit more waterlogged, the creepy art-deco-meets-shipwreck atmosphere compromised by the amount of exposition and the lack of spy-like antics the earlier film enjoyed. At times it's fascinating, but at times it makes me wish that movie theatres had fast forward buttons."

 

Under the Sea

"It's a pretty enough nature documentary, though it again doesn't really need to be as long as it is given its extremely non-specific focus."

 

God of War

"It's overlong and under-plotted, with some baffling diversions along the way - such as a completely pointless sequence involving Medusa - but thankfully Snyder's visual panache and action chops are in full force, and the brooding melodrama he sometimes succumbs to is kept to a more appropriate level. It's a reasonably entertaining R-rated blockbuster that would be a whole lot more fun if it were 30 minutes shorter or so."

 

Aerophobia

"Bizarre and macabre, it's not especially scary but definitely stylish, and short enough not to get too off-putting. There's no real story here, but it's a passable sort of experimental piece that'll probably get watched a lot on Netflix."

[Xillix]

And yes I did give all but one of them the same score on purpose. 

[4815162342]

That's fair.

 

If I didn't want to rush it in for that May 17 date at the last second I'd have edited things down a bit.

[Xillix]

1 minute ago, 4815162342 said:

That's fair.

 

If I didn't want to rush it in for that May 17 date at the last second I'd have edited things down a bit.

Fully open to the possibility Silent Hill gets the exact same criticisms tbh

[Rorschach]

@Isle of Pasta Looks like it’s my turn to be scared now. 

[Ezen Baklattan]

Just now, Rorschach said:

@Isle of Pasta Looks like it’s my turn to be scared now. 

I believe in you. Have faith. And low-key pray that I don’t decide to move my Odyssey review to tomorrow.

[Rorschach]

1 minute ago, Isle of Pasta said:

I believe in you. Have faith. And low-key pray that I don’t decide to move my Odyssey review to tomorrow.

Thank you. Thank you. STAHP!!!

[Xillix]

JUNE - PART I: THE "I WAS GONNA DO MORE BUT I'M TIRED" EDITION

 

Dan the Alpaca

"It's fine. A bit sappy, maybe, without that much of a story. The songs are forgettable. The whole thing is, really. What movie was I talking about?

 

Ripper

"Let down somewhat by a rather underwhelming climactic revelation, Ripper is still a taut, well-made thriller for the majority of its runtime."

 

[cookie]

3 hours ago, Xillix said:

Ripper

"Let down somewhat by a rather underwhelming climactic revelation, Ripper is still a taut, well-made thriller for the majority of its runtime."

 

Yeah with Ripper I didn't really know how to give it a satisfying payoff, so I went with the obvious/contrived answer.

 

If it's successful I have ideas of a Guy Fawkes-based sequel that leans more in the direction of political/conspiracy thriller.

[Xillix]

The Odyssey: The Counsel of the Dead

"It's a middle chapter and carries with it some of the associated baggage, and in places it could perhaps have been streamlined. But this installment of the fantasy epic feels more assured, confident, and accomplished than its predecessor, and contains several moments which are in a word, striking. If there's too much here, it's only too much of a good thing."

 

[Rorschach]

12 minutes ago, Xillix said:

The Odyssey: The Counsel of the Dead

"It's a middle chapter and carries with it some of the associated baggage, and in places it could perhaps have been streamlined. But this installment of the fantasy epic feels more assured, confident, and accomplished than its predecessor, and contains several moments which are in a word, striking. If there's too much here, it's only too much of a good thing."

 

Ran out of likes for the day but...

 

[Xillix]

JUNE PART III - THAT OTHER CRAP

 

Finding Gobi

"It's a pretty run-of-the mill 'heartwarming amazing animal' movie, and frankly the PG rating hurts it. I get that kids love dogs, but when a major element of the story - a true life story no less - involves overcoming childhood abuse even of the emotional sort, a kid-friendly veneer keeps things from being as sincere as they should."

 

Second Wind: Stormy Seas

"A completely pointless sequel to a pretty acceptable comedy becomes more lost than its characters as it undoes all the development they'd gone through to become a half-assed Moby Dick parody."

 

Call of Duty

"Just play the game. It'll feel shorter than this lumbering mess of a movie, and you won't have to watch Kit Harington try and fail to fill a leading man role for the millionth time. Everything cool in this movie was in the game a decade ago, and that has gameplay and an immersive quality that makes you feel involved. It's hard to feel involved in this loud, over-complicated, poorly-paced, neutered PG-13 war flick. Without a controller in your hands, the story plays out as if it was assembled from pages found in Tom Clancy's wastebin. Maybe I should give it a full star for technical competence, not that Paul Greengrass' shakycam is welcome here, but I can't remember the last time I've struggled this hard to make it through a movie, so... no. My apologies to the hardworking men and women on the crew."

 

Hills Abduction

"It's a pretty flat and uninteresting alien abduction flick that leans too hard on the mockumentary angle - since this is an allegedly-true story, a proper dramatization wouldn't have taken away any of the authenticity and probably could have given us some actual scares. But on the bright side, it's not Call of Duty."

[YM!]

Holy shit. Howling Commandos is next. 

[Hiccup23]

2 minutes ago, YourMother the Edgelord said:

Holy shit. Howling Commandos is next. 

 

And Island of the Blue Dolphins 

 

[Xillix]

FYI I totally understand @Ethan Hunt's review of BioShock now because that's exactly how I felt trying to read Call of Duty. I think I went easy on BioShock because I was tired, hold a higher opinion of the actual game story-wise, and just generally prefer sci-fi/horror weirdness to military flicks.