Crunching the Numbers: Third Time's The Charm - It's The Final Countdown!

[Rorschach]

3 minutes ago, Ethan Hunt said:

It was still one of the most well liked movies of Y2

I’ll just be waiting. 

[4815162342]

36 minutes ago, Isle of Pasta said:

Sorry, not sorry.

 

The Scavenger Wars.

 

[4815162342]

But seriously, over 30,000 words. I will conquer it and make it to the other side, but it will mortally drain me.

 

Soundtrack for all reviewers who give their lives reading Scavenger Wars and providing a review for the audiences 

 

 

[cookie]

24 minutes ago, 4815162342 said:

But seriously, over 30,000 words. I will conquer it and make it to the other side, but it will mortally drain me.

 

Soundtrack for all reviewers who give their lives reading Scavenger Wars and providing a review for the audiences 

 

 

I'm about to post the fixed version to the discussion thread so do that one since I found a lot of errors in the posted one.

[4815162342]

So the order of reviews:

 

He Man II 

Dark Side

The Lonely

2pac

Battletoads

Cataclysmic

Bartimaeus

The Prince of Egypt

Don't Let That Pigeon Drive

Cycle of the Werewolf

2ooge

Scavenger Wars

 

 

 

guess no one wanted an Odyssey review. Too bad, we'll see if it ever gets one then.

[Hiccup23]

The Dark Side and then The Lonely....fml. Luckily I have a tough skin. 

[YM!]

So Numbers is looking at my animated fare. I’m okay with that.

[Ezen Baklattan]

Damn I just realized you and @cookie will be the last to read and review 2park.

 

I legit have no idea if you’ll fall closer to Xillix/YM/Rorschach or Hiccup/Ethan.

[Rorschach]

8 minutes ago, 4815162342 said:

guess no one wanted an Odyssey review. Too bad, we'll see if it ever gets one then.

Maybe that’s not such a bad thing 

[cookie]

9 hours ago, 4815162342 said:

So the order of reviews:

 

He Man II 

Dark Side

The Lonely

2pac

Battletoads

Cataclysmic

Bartimaeus

The Prince of Egypt

Don't Let That Pigeon Drive

Cycle of the Werewolf

2ooge

Scavenger Wars

 

 

 

guess no one wanted an Odyssey review. Too bad, we'll see if it ever gets one then.

Saving the big guns for last, I see.

 

Fun fact: 2 Scrooge 2 Furious and Man V Bug: Dawn of Long Word Counts combined are as long as the first eight movies on that list.

Edited April 24, 2018 by cookie

[4815162342]

I'll start the reading tonight

[cookie]

3 minutes ago, 4815162342 said:

I'll start the reading tonight

Will you be reading everything or just the requests?

[4815162342]

Requests first.

 

Then everything else.

[4815162342]

He-Man II: The Revenge of Skeletor

 

 

He-Man the First was a decent bit of dumb sword and sorcery fun. The second outing is a bit slower paced, a bit less actiony, and a little more thoughtful than its predecessor, though it's more the thoughts of a simple barbarian brute than anything deep. The result is that the first half of the film is kinda slow-going, with a lot of set-up and exposition. He-Man himself doesn't get involved in any real setpiece until the golem attack. But that's jumping ahead. The premise of this film is that Skeletor is nursing a super grudge against He-Man and wants an elaborate plot of revenge based on a series of RPG fetch-quests doled out to his party of followers. Clearly a collection of such individuals with diverse powers and abilities must have a team name right?

 

 

Thanks for that input Thor. Hope Thanos doesn't murder you and the rest of the Asgard exiles in a couple days.

 

Anyways, it is nice to see the villain have a plan, though the film missteps by not telling us what the plan is. We know he's gathering random stuff, but we don't know what that stuff is for until well into the third act in the penultimate action piece. Honestly, the film probably should have had the power-stealing twist happen a good deal sooner, because within a few minutes of He-Man losing his powers we're on to the final action bit, which isn't that particularly long either. So the film is a lot of setup for a payoff that barely lasts before the rug is pulled out from under Skeletor and his minions and they're flung through a portal to parts unknown. So until Webby McWebb steals the one thing, the film is kinda sedate, and then the third act is a big condensed rush-fest that doesn't savor the villainous coup. It's definitely a whiplash-inducing event. Film is still enjoyable and good fun, but I think it would have been better if it spaced out the setpieces and had more time with SuperPower Skeletor.

 

6.5/10

[cookie]

The problem I had with the first film was that He-Man himself didn't get in on the action until the last act so it's a bit disappointing if the sequel repeats that.

[4815162342]

1 minute ago, cookie said:

The problem I had with the first film was that He-Man himself didn't get in on the action until the last act so it's a bit disappointing if the sequel repeats that.

 

It's the second act climax when He-Man finally does some fighting, at least by my perspective.

Edited April 24, 2018 by 4815162342

[Xillix]

Like I said right after I posted it...

 

I don't think He-Man II is very good 

[4815162342]

Dark Side

 

So here we go, the final piece of a trilogy of....something. We had a fucked up college relationship, followed by fucked up reconciliation and crazy ex girlfriends, so what is gonna be fucked up here? Is there any way this film is gonna be good?

 

 

Well I certainly did not know that about Darth Vader. Kinda explains his choke fetish. Anyways, let's get to it.

 

• Dad dies without a true farewell or ability to come to terms with Hunter. Okay it's cliche, but it's a decent drama cliche. Anyways the film is off to a moody start.
• Okay nevermind we get to the pool scene. That's the Dark Side I was expecting.
• Parvelli Reunion reference....ok then
• The priest gives an opening prayer.....yeah you might want to specify what religion this priest is because it's certainly not a Catholic priest
• Hunter cums all over Tyler’s face. Hunter then leans down and licks it off Tyler’s face. How is this rated R? Did the MPAA guys take naps during the film?
• We see the Saudi princes talk among themselves and point at Tyler. They find Tyler’s more down to earth personality interesting and unique from the usual Americans they see. In this case I think it's more that it's a gay spouse openly visiting one of the more homophobic regions in the world.
• Ok and there we go into sexual extortion. By the way, Nicole has popped in a couple times standing in the background looking on like a Waldo cosplayer.
• He then takes his finger and drags it in the semen. He then reaches up and puts his fingers inside of Tyler’s mouth. Tyler licks the semen off Hunter’s fingers. No really, how is this rated R? I sincerely want to know who they paid off or convinced
• Also Tyler during this time, purchases a penthouse on the 90th floor on a skyscraper downtown. The interior is solid gold and it is incredibly expensive. Well I guess Trump is now homeless.
• This is the part of the film where all the fame and money goes to Tyler's head, without any buildup for Tyler actually being a shallow materialistic git.
• And now Nicole actually does something: Trying to imitate Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct.
• He then tells Tyler about Nicole showing up. Tyler stops preparing the food and asks what she wanted. Hunter says she tried to seduce him. You know considering at the end of Truth Is they were deathly afraid of Nicole coming after them and murdering them and forgot that the police could do anything, this is a very subdued reaction.
• Nicole turns to Tyler and says she is sorry for trying to kill him. She says she was just a jealous bitch. Tyler gives her a side eye and says, “Yeah. Sure.” See above.
• She says it was weird that Tyler and Hunter didn’t call the police or even try to convict her.

 

Moving on.

• So Nicole's cunning plan is to make Tyler look like the irresponsible egotistical selfish frivolous brat he apparently already is. It might work too, if Hunter wasn't exactly the same kind of person.
• And now Tyler has a heart episode. And the near-death experience brings them back together. A standard drama cliche, and kind of surprising given how borked our journey has been.
• Oh, timeskip.
• Oh, and I guess Nicole's cunning plan was then to wait several months after her initial schemes didn't quite work and just devolve into crazy murder time. The usual ignorance that somehow killing the love of someone's life will make that someone now love you. Now this is the kind of drama cliche I expected from the film.
• Tyler looks up at the chandelier above them. He runs and jumps on it. He kicks Nicole in the chest causing her to face backwards through the window. The window shatters as Nicole falls through it in slow motion. Wait did we just enter a John Woo film? I need to rewind to see if doves were in the frame...okay, no doves.
• Hunter asks what happened. Tyler says Nicole came over. Again, they are taking this development far too sedately.
• And we end with a monologue that is definitely meant to fourth-wall break and preach to the audience. Kind of a weird way to end the film.

 

So, I have no idea how to grade this film given all that went on. Maybe I should ask a sage machine to help calculate a result.

 

 

 

Well fuck.

 

 

 

[Hiccup23]

Best review of CAYOM 3.0 

 

 

I am getting the reactions I wanted. 

 

 

[Rorschach]

@4815162342