Xillix' Critical Hit Y4 Reviews

[Xillix]

I'm reviewing everything but my films, in chronological order by month, and you all just need to deal with it. Though if your writeup is extremely long I reserve the right to put it off until the end of the year.

Using the same 5-star scale (with half stars) as always.

 

[Xillix]

Okay I'm starting now 😧

[Rorschach]

Just now, Xillix said:

Okay I'm starting now 😧

[Xillix]

@Blankments It looks like you forgot to cast Bobby in The Mole.

 

Also, it's a good idea to put the actor's name in parentheses when they're introduced in the write-up so that people don't need to stop reading and scroll back up to the cast list, especially if you're not describing the character's appearances, as is the case here.

[Xillix]

JANUARY

Johnny Test

"At first this almost works as Michael Bay self-parodying his own movies... and then it just keeps going, and going, and going. There's no way this was meant to be a serious attempt at an action movie, yet Bay is completely unable to reign in his typical overindulgence in nonsensical, drawn-out plotting, and the parody that runs through the film never approaches cleverness. It is essentially a single, mildly offensive joke told repeatedly for an inexcusable two and a half hours."

 

Dead Space

"Confession time: I'm not a big Muschietti fan. This has not changed my mind. The story is ludicrously complex and terribly-structured; we're introduced to several characters in the present, and for a huge chunk of the film, nothing at all happens except our alleged protagonist keeps finding old logs and showing us what is essentially (and probably actually should have been) a prequel. By the time we finally return to the main plot, there's no time left for us to give a damn about the ostensibly-main-characters. What we're left with is a sometimes-incomprehensible scramble for the finish, which is just a sequel hook anyway. A big budget and a great cast can't make up for this film's remarkably sloppy narrative."

 

Haunting Hour

"It's nowhere near as ambitious as Dead Space, and in fact has the opposite problem - a near complete absence of story. But out of the weekend's two dueling horror movies, this is ironically probably the better choice. It's generic, low-effort horror by numbers, but at least trying to follow the plot won't give you a headache."

 

Extrasensory

"It's an old B-movie formula - blatantly steal elements from a couple of popular movies, in this case Carrie and Firestarter, mix them together, and turn the violence and action up several notches to compensate for a lack of original ideas. The results here are the same as ever - terrible special effects restricted by a too-low budget, sloppy writing and frequently risible dialogue, and, in this case, an absolutely baffling final twist. The good news is that, like many B-movies of old, there's a certain audience that will probably really enjoy it ironically."

 

The Mole

"It's a bit convoluted and rushed, and it can be hard to keep track of everything. Additionally, for a movie marketed as a comedy, it's remarkably unfunny with only one real joke. Still, the action is fun, the characters and mystery are passably interesting, and I'm... relatively sure the plot makes sense."

 

Baseball Boy: Swing for the Fences

"For the most part it's a pretty cute and fun kid's sports movie with a usual be-yourself message. The parents' rejection of their son for not loving sports is obviously exaggerated, but that's hardly new for this kind of movie. The ending, though, is... problematic. Still, decent fun for little kids."

 

When a Stranger Calls

"A shot-by-shot remake of a mediocre old thriller, with more gore added, and a completely inexplicable Kanye West cameo. There was already a remake of this film in 2006, which was terrible, and this one is actually probably worse. Certainly more pointless. Jason Blum is credited as writer, and I've no idea why since there seems to have been no original writing done for this recycled screenplay at all, and in any case he would have been wise not to advertise his association with such a train wreck."

Edited October 2, 2018 by Xillix

[4815162342]

 

Ah. Ming the Merciless has started.

 

Well, it will be hard for you to dislike Pokemon 2 more than the first one. 

[YM!]

I’m deadly afraid for Blue and Gold. You liked the pre read but I changed quite a bit.

[Ezen Baklattan]

Extrasensory was a BP nominee in 2.0 with 95% of the plot in tact.

 

Good sign for the rest of the year. 

[Sears]

8 hours ago, Xillix said:

When a Stranger Calls

"A shot-by-shot remake of a mediocre old thriller, with more gore added, and a completely inexplicable Kanye West cameo. There was already a remake of this film in 2006, which was terrible, and this one is actually probably worse. Certainly more pointless. Jason Blum is credited as writer, and I've no idea why since there seems to have been no original writing done for this recycled screenplay at all, and in any case he would have been wise not to advertise his association with such a train wreck."



Edited 8 hours ago by Xil

I thought my film would do terribly crappy considering this was literally a last minute addition

[Xillix]

FEBRUARY

Blue and Gold

"There are some nagging plot contrivances - like Black Beetle's remarkably rapid takeover of the city - but for the most part this is a very fun, entertaining action-comedy. The characters are likable, the jokes and action are rapid-fire, and most of them work."

 

Reality Shift

"Utterly deranged and pretty funny, too, save for an extended bit of toilet humor towards the end. There's plenty of star power here, especially in the form of cameos, but unfortunately this comes out the same day as Blue and Gold, with that comedy's four-quadrant appeal likely to hurt this one at the box office."

 

Pokémon: Rise of the Rockets

"It's a little bit better than the first installment, with more a sense of an actual plot. But it's still uncomfortably stuffed into its 109 minutes, in need of some definite trimming, and the franchise remains a poor and unintentionally-disturbing fit for live action."

 

Frosted

"It has the good sense to be short - extremely short, in fact - since it has virtually no plot. Unfortunately it also doesn't have any suspense or scares."

 

Imagine Dragons: The 3D Concert

"It feels pointless to assign a score - if you like concert movies, and you like Imagine Dragons, you'll like this. If not, you won't. Simple as that. I'm splitting the difference."

 

The Female Man

"I've not read the book, but it's a really interesting concept. The movie version is well-produced but feels as though something's been lost in translation - things never seem properly developed or contextualized. With a longer runtime and more careful adaptation it could've been great, but likely the very rushed production took its toll on DuVernay and the film. As-is, it's skippable."

 

Stories from Eden

"Bill Skarsgard plays a 19-year-old, who somehow quickly receives a letter in the mail despite moving unannounced from town to town in the post-apocalypse. Maybe it was Kevin Costner delivering it. Still, the plot is interesting and generally engaging, at least until the ending, which shies away from the general tragic tone in favor of a conclusion that feels like a cop-out and blatantly contradicts the timeline of prior events."

Edited October 2, 2018 by Xillix

[YM!]

8 minutes ago, Xillix said:

Blue and Gold

"There are some nagging plot contrivances - like Black Beetle's remarkably rapid takeover of the city - but for the most part this is a very fun, entertaining action-comedy. The characters are likable, the jokes and action are rapid-fire, and most of them work."

[4815162342]

We're improving. 

 

 

 

Though after the first Amityville you lost the right to call films overstuffed 

[Xillix]

6 minutes ago, 4815162342 said:

Though after the first Amityville you lost the right to call films overstuffed

If anything it makes me an expert. It was a learning experience

[Blankments]

13 hours ago, Xillix said:

@Blankments It looks like you forgot to cast Bobby in The Mole.

 

Also, it's a good idea to put the actor's name in parentheses when they're introduced in the write-up so that people don't need to stop reading and scroll back up to the cast list, especially if you're not describing the character's appearances, as is the case here.

Oh shit, I just forgot to transfer it to the final draft. Bobby is  Djimon Hounsou; I’ll edit it in tonight on my computer

 

as for your other suggestion, 🤷‍♂️. I’ve been playing this game for a while and I’ve never had the problem personally. Moreover, I’m not gonna change my writing style after six years of playing lol

 

thanks for the speedy reviews tho; looking forward for you destroying MUT later today lol

[Ethan Hunt]

Wait what. Baseball Boy got 3 stars

 

[Ezen Baklattan]

Casting Bill Skarsgard was....oops.  At least he isn’t over 30!

[Xillix]

Well time to read Pages for Eternity see you next Spring

[Xillix]

@4815162342 Woulda been nice if you explained what an Aumaua or an Orlan were instead of just "yeah these races are here." Or what adra is, though I assume some kind of metal? The less Googling I need to do the better

Edited October 3, 2018 by Xillix

[Xillix]

Reads the climax and natural stopping point for an introductory entry in an ongoing LOTR-esque saga

Oh hey that was really pretty goo-

 

There are still over 13,000 words left

Edited October 3, 2018 by Xillix

[Xillix]

Surely this must be the end for no-

 

There are still over 5,500 words left