CAYOM Year 6: Part 1

[4815162342]

Bioshock
 
Genre: Sci-Fi/Action/Thriller
Cast: Garrett Hedlund (Jack), Robert Carlyle (Atlas), Carice van Houten (Dr. Brigid Tenenbaum), Chin Han (Li Suchong), Colm Feore (Dr. J.S. Steinman), Lily Pilblad (Sister), with Vincent Cassel (Sander Cohen), and Kenneth Branagh (Andrew Ryan)
Directed By: Joseph Kosinski
Written By: Ronald D. Moore and Alex Garland
Original Music By: John Murphy
Release Date: 6/17
Theater Count: 3570
Budget: $125 million
Running Time: 135 minutes
MPAA Rating: R for scenes of strong violence, language, and disturbing images

Plot Summary: The film takes place in 1960, in a world slightly different from the one we know.

The film opens in a first-person perspective of someone underwater, struggling to get to the surface. As the person rises, the view sees metal debris sinking around him. Finally the person reaches the surface, gasping for breath, and the first-person view, looking around, sees the dramatic site of a plane crash in the midst of a storm. The film then shifts to a normal perspective and we get our first good look at Jack (Hedlund), looking confused and panicked. Paddling to stay afloat, he sees in the distance a lighthouse on a rocky atoll and starts swimming there.

At the lighthouse Jack stumbles onshore and collapses from exhaustion.

“Can I get you anything” the stewardess asked him. Jack shook his head and looked around at the handful of passengers on the flight. Across the aisle in his row was a beautiful young woman. Jack started a conversation with her and the two spoke for a couple minutes, getting along well, before the woman said she needed some rest but they’d pick up where they left off later. As she went to sleep, Jack looked at the small box on the seat next to him. A gift from his parents. He again looked at the note that said “would you kindly not open until-“ the rest blocked by his hand. As he looked at it, a loud mechanical creaking noise drowned out all else.

Jack wakes up suddenly, seeing the fuselage of the plane disappear beneath the waves, which are growing in power. With nowhere else to go, he investigates the lighthouse, where he soon finds a trap door that leads into a basement. In the basement is a mechanical apparatus for a bathysphere system. Jack, intrigued, walks around it and finally places a hand on the bathysphere. Suddenly the machines spring to life. Jack talks to himself aloud, wondering if he should wait for rescue craft. His question is answered by the lighthouse shaking from a large wave impact. He enters the bathysphere and finds the activation button, which sends the sphere plunging into the ocean depths.

As the sphere descends, a video screen activates, showing a man introducing himself as Andrew Ryan (Branagh). It is a recording of an introductory speech prepared for travelers. In it, Ryan welcomes the occupants to the great experiment of “Rapture” where they’ll be able to engage in scientific and artistic pursuits free from the tyranny of government policy. After a minute of him explaining his philosophy, Ryan’s speech says that now the occupants can see the modern wonder of the world: Rapture. At that point the sphere crests a ridgeline and a gloriously colored and lit underwater city is seen. As Jack marvels at the sight, Ryan’s speech in the background says “They say that God created the Earth, but I created Rapture.”

Eventually the bathysphere docks after we get a long tracking shot of the sphere descending into Rapture. Jack cautiously steps out and is suddenly greeted by a booming voice over an intercom system, Ryan’s voice. Ryan remarks that it appears Rapture has a visitor and wonders if it is a man or a slave. Jack makes his way through a maze of corridors and everything looks rundown. Finally in a compartment leading out he encounters a pair of people, only they look deformed and talk in deranged tones. They say Ryan promised them more plasmids if they killed the visitor. Jack tries to ask what is going on but they’re clearly insane. One of them, with hooks instead of hands, charges and Jack grabs a wrench and quickly bashes the guy’s head in. The other screams and somehow shoots a fireball at Jack, who dodges it. The second guy maniacally cackles but Jack sneaks behind him and beats the guy’s head in. Disturbed, Jack moves aimlessly trying to find some clues as to where he is.

We see a couple short scenes of Jack wandering through compartments, but everything is torn, run-down, and broken. Once Jack hides from a crew of several deformed humans, who chatter about killing the visitor. Finally Jack enters a large atrium when he hears a girl’s voice singing. Driven by concern, he searches for the source and finds a little girl about ten sitting next to a dead body, softly singing. Jack cautiously walks up to the girl, asking if she is okay, and when he puts a hand on her shoulder she jerks around, showing that her skin is pale gray, her eyes yellow, and in a hand she has some sort of injector. The girl (Pilblad) seems detached from reality, as Jack recoils in shock. A loud metallic moaning noise is heard and Jack turns to see something in a large mechanical suit: a Big Daddy. The Big Daddy emits a metallic shriek and charges at him with its drill arm revving up. Jack barely dodges the first charge and makes a run for it. The Big Daddy starts to pursue but then a human voice shouts “There’s one! Get her!” Suddenly from the second floor of the emporium guns fire at the Big Daddy, bullets pinging off its armor. As the little girl hides the Big Daddy fires back with a machine gun, driving off the upstairs attackers, but then from the first floor several deformed humans attack with guns, mechanical tools, and some somehow shooting fire, ice, or electrical bolts. The Big Daddy wipes out most of the humans but eventually takes too much damage and with a loud moan collapses to the floor. The little girl cries out and rushes to the Big Daddy, hugging the armored titan as she begs it to get back up. One of the survivors shouts “Get the Sister! Steinman wants her alive!” and one of the mutants scoops up Sister and the pack departs. Jack, instinctively starts to follow when a man’s voice from behind says “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

Jack turns to face a dirty, tired-looking, man and asks who he is. The man says that he is Atlas (Carlyle) and that he’s been following Jack since he arrived. Jack asks what he wants and Atlas says they can help one another. When Jack asks about Sister, Atlas says he can’t do anything for her right now and says he’ll explain things back at one of his safe houses. Atlas starts off but Jack lingers, unsure. Atlas looks back and says “would you kindly follow, please?” and Jack decides to follow the man.

At a nearby safehouse, with a hidden entrance and well-stocked with supplies, Atlas explains briefly where Jack is. Rapture was designed by a scientist and capitalist called Andrew Ryan as a place where scientists and artists could be creative and innovative without intrusion. But all the workers who built the place had to stay or the secret would get out, so Ryan had to provide for them. People who lived in the city needed supplies from above, so smuggling rings developed, the biggest led by Frank Fontaine, who got powerful enough to rival Andrew Ryan. The two eventually went to war, with massacres in the streets. Eventually, Frank Fontaine was killed at one of his hideouts by an explosion, but many of his rabid supporters fought on, though now they’re outnumbered heavily by Ryan’s goons. Atlas says that he and some others belong to neither side, but just want to leave. Jack nods but then asks what the deal was with the “Sister,” the “huge armored thing,” and how people got deformed and could do “magic or whatever that was.” Atlas smiles and says it’s a long story.

He briefly explains that scientists in Rapture discovered that special sea slugs secreted fluid that created wondrous mutations. The fluid was refined into a compound called ADAM, which could then be altered to create specific mutations or to sustain existing ones via enzymes called plasmids. One scientist found that sea slugs worked best inside a host organism, so Atlas says Ryan had little girls taken from orphanages or from the poor and had the slugs implanted into their stomachs, where the ADAM was produced tenfold and the girls were mutated into the “things”, Little Sisters, they are now. Ryan had guardians designed for them; mentally-altered humans welded into giant armor suits, Big Daddies. This was because the more mutations one implanted, the quicker they depleted and the more addicted to ADAM people became, until their bodies deformed and their minds degenerated. So now the Little Sisters, who contain tons of ADAM, are targets for the mutants, Splicers. Atlas leans back in his seat and pours himself some whiskey. “Now” he says, “about how we can help one another.”

The film cuts to a laboratory somewhere as a woman works on some biological data. The woman scientist (van Houten) looks at the results of a chemical test and scribbles some notes. She then goes to a large window which looks out into the ocean. Smoking on a cigarette, she sighs and then goes back to her lab table where she notices a data computation she left out. After adjusting her scribbles, she smiles.

Elsewhere, the band of Splicers from before enters a dingy medical ward. Carrying a bound-and-gagged Sister, they journey until they find an operating room, with mutilated and deformed bodies attached to the walls and the ceiling. In the middle, hacking away at a corpse, is Dr. J.S. Steinman (Feore), who shouts that yet again he has an imperfect specimen. He picks up a severed arm and points at the Splicers “You have another” he asks and they nod. “Well? Put her with the others!” he shouts. “Except you two” pointing at two Splicers with the arm. He gestures at the dumped body and then a bare patch on a wall. “Put it there! Only upside-down, it makes this place less symmetrical.” The scene jumps to Steinman overlooking a cell with almost a dozen Little Sisters locked inside. Over an intercom, he tells someone that he has another one. The voice on the other end is Ryan’s, and he tells Steinman that he’ll send someone to collect all of them, and when he gets the Little Sisters Steinman will be rewarded.

Jack nervously makes his way through glass corridors linking the section of Rapture he was in to the vast section where The Medical Pavilion is.

“I have a family” Atlas told him mournfully, “but they’re trapped in Neptune’s Bounty. They and other refugees have a submersible, but the exit is sealed and they can’t get to the controls. The only way to Neptune’s Bounty is locked and only one man has the key: Dr. J.S. Steinman, the famous surgeon gone mad. He experiments on the living and the dead, but he also experiments with ADAM and collects Little Sisters for that purpose. He won’t hand you the key and he’s raving mad, so you’ll have to kill him. Then you can free my family.”

Jack edges into a large atrium. He makes his way through what used to be a fancy restaurant, the tables overturned, bullet holes in the walls, and goes up to a second-story floor that overlooks the Pavilion entrance. Seeing a few Splicers, Jack takes aim.

“So I do all this, but what is in it for me?” Jack asked. “A way back up to the surface” Atlas replied. “I wouldn’t leave you down here after all of that, and I’m sure you have family topside.” Jack nodded and agreed to the proposal. Atlas then went to a storage locker and pulled out a few things. One is a gun. One is a syringe. One is a strange injector item. One is a small radio. Atlas said guns alone won’t help him, so he’ll need plasmids. He injected Jack with the syringe and Jack convulsed over the mutation’s effect. After the feeling wore off, Atlas told him that he got a cocktail with general physical enhancements and he got some extra firepower. A spark of electricity cackled between Jack’s fingers.

Jack fires at the Splicers, quickly gunning down the few outside. Several more rush out and shoot back. Some shoot at him outside while others enter the building to attack. Jack retreats and fires electricity at the couple Splicers inside, the bolts frying them. Another one sneaks in and tries to stab Jack, but Jack’s better physical abilities allow him to dodge and he beats the Splicer down. He eliminates the few remaining Splicers and enters the Medical Pavilion.

“But what about the Little Sisters” Jack asked. Atlas smirked and said that the Little Sisters, though they look human, are monsters devoid of any feeling. All they are is a source of ADAM and if Jack wants he can harvest it from them. The side effect of that would be to kill the Little Sister. Jack was uneasy about that so Atlas said the choice was his, but more ADAM would make his journey easier.

The woman from before is alerted by a pinging noise from a video screen. There she sees the fight outside the Medical Pavilion. “Perhaps this is the chance” she says to herself and quickly exits the lab.

Steinman is carving up another body when a Splicer says that someone has broken in. “Another specimen!” Steinman exclaims. “He must be here for our darling guests, please bring them to me so he’ll find us.”

Jack makes his way through the Medical Pavilion, which is smeared with dried blood. Jack finds the central room where Steinman is, finding him and a bundle of Splicers guarding the Little Sisters. “Ah! Now you look like quite the physical being!” Steinman exclaims. “You must be here for my little darlings! I’m so sorry but they belong to another…or me, never can remember.” Jack is outnumbered and things look even worse when from the back comes loud thumping and moaning, which turns out to be two Big Daddies. “Ryan’s deliverymen!” Steinman says happily. “But where are my bodies?” At that point the intercom crackles and Ryan’s voice comes through. “Unfortunately Doctor, your services are no longer required.” Before Steinman can say anything the Big Daddies begin firing on the Splicers, who fight back with guns and explosive plasmids. The Little Sisters panic and most run out the safe path the Big Daddies came in by, but one, Sister, the one Jack saw earlier, runs out the way Jack entered. Jack instinctively runs after her and finds her cowering in a corner and Jack tries to calm her down but suddenly Steinman appears and tries to stab Jack, but Jack dodges and fries Steinman with his plasmid. “All my work…” a crisped Steinman mumbles before dying. Jack grabs the access key from Steinman, picks up Sister, and carries her outside the Pavilion. There, pondering what to do with Sister, a female’s voice from above calls out.

The source is the woman from before, leaning over a railing. She says she is Dr. Brigid Tenenbaum. Tenenbaum says she suspects Jack has been told that the Little Sisters are monsters, but there is a way to cure them. “You won’t get the ADAM you may desire” she says, “but if you save those you encounter, I will make sure you get help.” She tosses down a tool to Jack, who after a moment’s thought uses it on Sister, who jerks and convulses as the mutation is reversed and she returns to looking like a normal girl. Sister looks around in wonder and asks if Jack is a “shining knight.” Jack says he’s just trying to get home. By this point Tenenbaum has come down to his level and asks for Sister. Jack hands the girl over to Tenenbaum, who thanks him for his decency. “I will make sure you get assistance” she promises. Jack says he is going to Neptune’s Bounty to free a sub with people waiting to leave and offers for her to come with him. Tenenbaum declines, saying she has a lot of work to accomplish here helping the Little Sisters return to normal, but she gives Jack a plasmid, saying it will help him. She wishes Jack luck and then departs, Sister waving at Jack over her shoulder, and Jack hears his radio crackle. It is Atlas asking for an update. Jack says that he has the key. Atlas is pleased and asks Jack if he would kindly get to Neptune’s Bounty quickly since Ryan’s men are sure to be alert now. Jack promises he will. After the conversation ends Jack injects the plasmid and feels rejuvenated. He then involuntary summons a fallen Splicer’s gun to his hand, revealing that he now possesses telekinesis. Smiling at his new ability, Jack goes off towards Neptune’s Bounty.

We then see Jack entering Neptune’s Bay, which has a colorful, marina-like appearance. After ambushing a couple isolated Splicers, Jack winds up at a control room overlooking a docking bay where a small submarine is ready. Jack contacts Atlas on the radio and tells him that he’s about to free the sub when Andrew Ryan’s voice booms over an intercom and, apparently addressing Atlas, says that Atlas’ insurrection has gone on long enough and it is time for him to experience pain for furthering the cause of “parasites.” His voice turns its attention towards Jack. Ryan says he watched his progress and wonders again if he is a man or a slave. Suddenly explosive charges go off in the docking bay, collapsing the entire complex on top of the sub, which is crushed by debris and tons of water flows into the area from hull breaches. Jack is protected in the control room and stammers to Atlas that Ryan has destroyed the docking bay. Atlas is silent for a moment and then, his voice filled with rage, declares that Ryan must pay. He tells Jack that now the only way to leave Rapture is through the bathysphere network and only Ryan’s genetic key operates the controls. The only way therefore to escape Rapture is to kill Andrew Ryan. Jack isn’t sure of murder but Atlas reminds him what Ryan just did and asks “since I cannot reach him, would you kindly head to Ryan’s office and kill the son-of-a-b***h?” After a moment of thought, Jack agrees.

Jack picks his way through Neptune’s Bay and asks Atlas what Ryan meant by insurrection. Atlas admits that after Frank Fontaine died he led some people against Ryan, but it was only because Ryan had become a despot. Jack accepts this and asks where he has to go. Atlas says he has to get to Hephaestus, the section of Rapture where Ryan makes his headquarters. But the only remaining connection to there is through Fort Frolic, and Atlas warns Jack that Fort Frolic is a dangerous but necessary obstacle. Jack says he isn’t worried about Splicers but Atlas says “I don’t mean the Splicers, I mean the man Ryan put in charge of the place.”

Fort Frolic. In a concert hall, a man in a tuxedo plays a mournful tune on a piano, surrounded by sculptures. A Splicer wearing a mask walks up to him but waits a minute for the tune to finish. The man finishes playing and tells the Splicer that nothing fits the beginning of the end as much as that tune and the Splicer quickly agrees before telling the man there is a visitor in Rapture. The man says he must think about this. He walks past the Splicer, looks at the stage, and says something looks missing. He suddenly slashes the Splicer’s throat. As the Splicer bleeds out, the man summons two more and points to a blank spot on the stage, saying to make the dead Splicer look like he is pleading. We see that the sculptures are actually dead bodies, covered in plaster. As the Splicers carry off the body the man thinks before finally shouting, his voice echoing, “My friends I suspect we will soon have a guest! Prepare yourselves for a night of entertainment conducted by none other than the greatest artist Rapture has seen, I, Sander Cohen!” Sander Cohen (Cassel) laughs maniacally and swirls his arms around like a conductor as we see Splicers begin to go into action around the hall, preparing it for…something.

Jack arrives in the outer atrium of Fort Frolic. Over the radio Atlas tells him that Sander Cohen was the most talented and famous artist in Rapture, a painter, sculptor, writer, and composer all in one. But when the conflict between Ryan and Fontaine escalated Cohen became “certifiable” and closed off Fort Frolic to either side to maintain solitude so he could work on his “masterpieces.” Atlas says that Cohen is the only way to Ryan with the damage the city has sustained but that fighting may not be necessary if Cohen desires something Jack could provide.

Jack makes a beeline for a transport tube that would take him to Hephaestus but it quickly gets sealed off. Over an intercom he hears a laugh. “A new audience member arrives! Welcome!” the voice shouts. “Come in, I foresee us collaborating on something marvelous!” The entrance to the concert hall opens and Jack enters.

Inside the concert hall is dimly lit, aside from a stage where a spotlight shines on a Splicer playing piano. Jack edges closer and sees that the Splicer is tied to the piano and is gagged. As Jack gets even closer the Splicer hits a crescendo on the music piece, which triggers an explosion on the piano that kills the Splicer. “Such a chaotic thing art is” Cohen’s voice says over the intercom. “It creates, allures, and destroys us all.” Jack shouts for Cohen to show himself, but Cohen laughs and says he wants to know if Jack is suited for a task first. He tells Jack that one of his associates has taken some valuable things that he wants back. If Jack returns them, then a deal can be worked out. Cohen’s voice instructs Jack to enter the entertainment and leisure levels of Fort Frolic where the former associate is hiding. Jack wearily agrees.

Over a few short scenes we see Jack track down the rogue Splicer Cohen wants. Eventually Jack finds the target, who has a small posse guarding him, and in a quick but pyrotechnic fight kills them all with his plasmids. Searching the target, Jack finds a large envelope filled with sheets of musical notes, pencil sketches, poetry, and assorted ramblings that Jack doesn’t take the time to read. Jack grumbles that this stuff better be worth it.

We see Tenenbaum in her lab, working hard. She goes to another room and looks in, where we see several former Little Sisters, including Sister, reading or playing. Tenenbaum smiles and goes back to her desk, where she sees a light blinking on the intercom. She turns it on and says “I wondered when you would be calling.” The voice that replies is Andrew Ryan’s and he asks her why she has helped the newcomer. Tenenbaum says she believes he is a good man and that maybe he can help her atone for the things she has done. Ryan says Tenenbaum has gotten sentimental and she should know better, since she “had her part to play.” Tenenbaum is silent but finally tells Ryan that soon they will know which of them is right. Ryan agrees, but adds that no matter what, whatever happens will be because he chooses it to happen.

Jack returns to the concert hall and Cohen over the intercom congratulates Jack, but then says that now there’s no reason to keep Jack around. Jack shouts that they had a deal but Cohen’s voice laughs.

and Cohen’s voice shouts for the surviving Splicers to leave Jack be. As they do so, Cohen apologizes to Jack, but explains he had to make sure Jack was strong enough for what was to come. He now says it is time for them to meet.

A dazzling display of stage lights, pyrotechnics, and over-the-top intro music plays as Sander Cohen appears at the top level and waltzes his way down to Jack, who looks furious. Cohen congratulates Jack on a masterpiece of violence and Jack asks why he shouldn’t kill him. Cohen smirks and says that then Jack would be stuck in Fort Frolic with no way to get out. Jack’s tells Cohen to get it over with. Cohen laughs and says that there’s more to things than just passing by. He asks for the envelope and Jack hands it over. Cohen ruffles through it, randomly tossing sheets of paper all over as he mutters “rubbish, mediocre, unacceptable.” Finally he finds a few sheets of paper and says they’re what he wanted. The rest he tosses aside. He folds all but one of the sheets up and puts them into his jacket. He puts the remaining one back into the envelope and hands it to Jack, who looks confused. “An extra gift from me” Cohen tells Jack. Jack, cautious, takes the envelope and folds it up and puts it inside his clothing. He then asks if they’re done here and Cohen nods. As Jack trudges off, Cohen shouts after him “I look forward to our encore! I’m sure we’ll both have some new material!” before degenerating into fits of laughter.

Jack takes the transport tube to Hephaestus. Jack negotiates his way through a series of ring levels surrounding a geothermal power system. A challenge comes when a Big Daddy aggressively assaults him. Though outgunned, Jack is able to use trickery to activate a geothermal steam vent that bursts onto the Big Daddy, supercooking it. The charred and broiled Big Daddy slumps to the floor dead. Jack then converts the nearby Little Sister back into a girl. The girl takes Jack by the hand and leads him to an office before scampering into an air vent. In the office, Jack finds an audio diary from the chief engineer of Hephaestus that says that Ryan has barricaded himself inside his office complex and that only a power failure will unseal the electromagnetic locks. To do that the chief engineer had constructed a crude EMP and his last words indicate he went to set it off. Jack contacts Atlas over the radio and tells him about the method. Atlas chuckles and tells Jack to avoid breaking the whole damn city.

Searching, Jack comes across the chief engineer’s body, but no sign of the EMP. He then sees however a blood trail leading from a closed door that is locked. Jack is able to get the door open and finds the EMP. Jack is able to lug the EMP device to near one of the three power cores in Hephaestus and, after a brief shootout with some Splicers, activates the arming sequence. Jack rushes behind cover and soon enough the EMP discharges, shutting down the power core. The sudden loss of one of Rapture’s three power cores causes the locking system to fail. Jack goes to the entrance to Ryan’s headquarters and opens the door. He steps inside, looking unsure.

Inside, Jack goes a short distance and arrives into a large monitoring room, with lots of video screens. Jack looks around, trying to find something of value, when suddenly Andrew Ryan’s face appears on a screen. Ryan in a monologue laments that things have ended up this way and says that as much as he wants to protect his work “now that I see you in the flesh, I know I cannot raise my hand against you. But know this: you are my greatest disappointment.” Ryan’s voice grows angry and shouts to Atlas that though Atlas may kill him, Atlas will never get his city, since every builder knows that there comes a time to destroy. A rumble shakes Rapture and emergency lighting comes on as more rumbles sound in the distance. Ryan says that there is one final thing to discuss and asks Jack to come see him in person. The screen cuts off. Jack contacts Atlas, who is aware of the rumblings, and he tells Jack that Ryan has activated a self-destruct. “Now would you kindly get in there and kill the man before the whole place goes up!” Atlas shouts over the radio, spurring Jack to locate an air vent that leads past a blocked door.

Jack drops down into a small antechamber. It is dimly lit but Jack sees that an entire wall is plastered with tons of photos that show people, places, and things. One photo shows Atlas. Another photo shows Tenenbaum. A third shows an Asian doctor (Han) Jack doesn’t recognize. Jack steps back and sees that across the wall, in red paint and large letters, are the words “Would You Kindly.” Confused, Jack steps forward and finds a picture of Tenenbaum with a young child of about two years old. Jack suddenly starts breathing heavily, looking as if in shock.

Jack is a baby in a crib, gurgling happily at Tenenbaum, who somehow looks only a couple years younger. Tenenbaum smiles at him and says he’s such a strong boy but he needs to get stronger. She injects something into his arm and Jack cries in pain, but Tenenbaum soothes him, saying he needs it to grow.

Jack is now a toddler and is playing with toys. Tenenbaum and the Asian doctor come in and give him a puppy. Jack happily plays with the puppy as Tenenbaum and the Asian doctor converse in the background, Tenenbaum referring to him as “Suchong.” Tenenbaum grows displeased with the conversation and eventually leaves the room as Suchong observes Jack.

Jack now looks eight years old and is with with his puppy, which has aged only a handful of months, when Suchong enters. Jack asks for Tenenbaum, who he calls “Miss T” but is told she won’t be around anymore. Suchong asks Jack if he likes the dog and Jack says he loves it. Suchong says that is good and tells Jack to break the puppy’s neck. Jack refuses and Suchong insists repeatedly, until he says “Jack would you kindly break the puppy’s neck.” The camera stays on Suchong as we hear in the background a snap of a neck and then Jack sobbing. Suchong goes to the corner of the room when an obscured man is and tells him that “It works.”

Jack looks utterly lost and exits the antechamber into the chamber beyond, where Andrew Ryan waits.

Jack stands over Ryan’s body, stunned. Then he grabs the genetic key from Ryan’s corpse and rushes into Ryan’s quarters, where a control computer is running the self-destruct sequence. Jack uses the key to shut the sequence down and removes the firewall, allowing Atlas to access it. “Ah very good, very good” Atlas says over the radio, sounding thrilled. “It took me so long to get this to happen, so much patience and waiting for things to ripen. But now everything is perfect.” Jack, a bit confused, watches as the screen shows Atlas effectively taking over the control systems for Rapture. “So what happens now?” Jack asks. Atlas laughs and says “Now? Well now I guess comes the time for proper introductions, the name is Frank Fontaine, and you’ve been quite useful, almost better than I could have hoped for. But like all tools, there comes a time where you gotta throw them away.” Jack backs away, recognizing the name. Suddenly a few security drones, now under Fontaine’s control, buzz into the chamber and attack Jack. He fends them off but more are on the way. Jack looks unsure of what to do when he hears a girl’s voice shout “over here!” He turns to see Sister, poking out of an air vent waving at him. Jack rushes over to follow her through it as more drones arrive, a couple bullets tearing into his left leg. In pain, Jack stumbles through the vent and tumbles down a slope until he smacks into a concrete floor, where he fades into unconsciousness.

Jack wakes up in what looks like a dormitory and explores the area to find that he’s in some sort of orphanage, with a number of converted Little Sisters running around. Tenenbaum appears and asks how Jack is feeling, and Jack says he isn’t sure. Tenenbaum says that’s a start and asks him to come with her. She takes him to her lab, saying that she’s been able to make the place safe for the “saved” Little Sisters but it won’t truly be safe until the forces tearing Rapture apart are gone. Andrew Ryan, for all of his idealism, was one. Frank Fontaine is another and with Ryan dead he is on the path to having total control. She says there are others but luckily they don’t have to worry about them right now. Jack is disgusted over what Fontaine has forced him to do and flashes of memories hit him. “I…I was his son” Jack says, referring to Ryan, and Tenenbaum nods. She explains that Ryan got a woman pregnant and Fontaine was able to fake the woman’s death to hide her long enough to steal the newborn, who he subjected to radical gene therapy. Tenenbaum, looking ashamed, says that she was with Fontaine in the beginning, since she believed that Ryan was stifling things, but she had no idea how far Fontaine was willing to go. Jack says that that’s all in the past, but for now she needs to help him get to Fontaine. “To kill him?” she asks. “For answers” he replies.

We see Jack and Tenenbaum going over schematics of Rapture. Tenenbaum says that while Jack was unconscious she was able to de-program some of the conditioning Fontaine and others put in his head, but she didn’t get everything. Jack needs to go to Olympus Heights, to the apartment of Dr. Li Suchong, who was a geneticist in Rapture who worked with Fontaine in “creating” Jack. If Jack is lucky he might be able to find records of Suchong’s work. Jack asks if there is any further help Tenenbaum can provide and she says she can have the converted Little Sisters use the vent systems to leave him aid. Jack goes to leave and Tenenbaum calls out one final thing. She tells Jack that Fontaine will attempt to intimidate him and if that fails will try to use information against Jack to try and turn him onto his side. “So whatever he tells you about me” she says, “I want you to know that it’ll probably be true. But I’m doing my best to fix things and atone.” Jack replies “So am I.”

Before Jack leaves the safe area, he approaches several of the saved Little Sisters, one of whom is Sister. He thanks her for saving him and she says he saved her first so she wanted to help. She asks if he is going to stay with them and Jack replies that he has to go and do something that will help them. Sister tells him to be careful and awkwardly gives him a hug. Jack says he will and promises he’ll come back when he’s done.

Jack journeys to Olympus Heights, which was an exclusive residential community, Tenenbaum’s schematics enabling him to avoid Splicer patrols. After a minute of sneaking he gets contacted on his radio. It is Fontaine. “So Mother Goose helped you out after all” Fontaine says snidely. He tries to convince Jack that Tenenbaum is on the losing side and Jack will only get her and all her “pretty little girls” killed if he continues. Jack gets angry and answers back that Fontaine is a coward who hides while others do his work for him. Fontaine says if he can get a job done with no risk to himself, it’s the smart play. Fontaine says that Jack can save himself and get a ride home if he kills Tenenbaum. Jack replies that isn’t going to happen, so Fontaine says he guesses every artist has to destroy his work at some point and then signs off. Jack sighs and continues to walk towards Suchong’s place.

Jack, breathing heavily, reaches Suchong’s apartment and is directed to an air vent by one of Tenenbaum’s girls. Inside he finds a plasmid that acts as a chameleonic effect that allows him to blend into the surroundings. Using that, he is able to sneak into the building and reaches Suchong’s apartment, where he starts searching through the doctor’s belongings. He finds some interesting pictures and documents and starts leafing through them, as he reads them we get transported to flashbacks of a few scattered events between Tenenbaum, Fontaine, and Suchong discussing the “Jack experiment” and how he is progressing.

Tenenbaum, Fontaine, and Suchong are all in a room talking about the “Jack” infant. Suchong says finding the pregnancy was a stroke of luck. Fontaine says he made sure the woman seduced Ryan and got pregnant. Once she gave birth, she was a loose end. Fontaine praises the two scientists for their effort and says that soon Ryan will be removed. He tells Suchong to begin the gene acceleration therapy. Tenenbaum is concerned about negative side effects but Fontaine laughs and says “since when you have you worried about the welfare of children, Doctor?”

The scene changes to Tenenbaum and Suchong observing Jack when he looks age five and playing with the puppy. Tenenbaum says she doesn’t think this is the best way to test the conditioning. Suchong says that while the conditioning can take hold for many simple actions, Fontaine wants Jack to be so conditioned that he will do anything asked of him, even things he finds reprehensible. Suchong says that the dog will provide the best test, since young Jack will grow to love the dog, and if he obeys the command to kill it, then he will obey any command. Tenenbaum nods, but looks unsure.

Tenenbaum enters an office to speak with Fontaine. Tenenbaum says she can’t do this work anymore and pleads with Fontaine to stop the experiment. Fontaine laughs and asks Tenenbaum if she got a conscience when no one was looking. He says he knows about her past, about the things she did in the concentration camps for the Nazis in order to survive. “You experimented on your own people, because you knew you had to do it to survive” he tells her. “Why else would you so create the Little Sisters, turning girls into monsters, if not so this city could prosper?” Tenenbaum looks like she is wavering, but gathers her resolve and says that she wishes she could take those times back. Fontaine says he knows Tenenbaum will keep her mouth shut and stay hidden, since if she’s out in the open when Ryan learns of the truth he’ll kill her. He says a colder man would kill her for defying him, but once he takes the city, he’ll need good scientists to keep it going. Tenenbaum flees the room as Fontaine smiles.

Jack grabs the documents and tries to sneak back out but he stumbles, knocking some things over. The noise alerts the Splicers and they start to fill the apartment with bullets and various plasmid attacks. Jack starts running, which wears off the chameleon plasmid, and tries to fight back as he tries to get to a hiding place. He takes out a couple Splicers but the shockwave from a fireball hurls him into a wall. Suddenly help arrives in the form of other Splicers showing up who wipe out the first group. They surround Jack, muttering softly to one another until their leader shows up: Sander Cohen. “My friend, you seem to have gotten yourself into more trouble” Sander says with a smirk. “Allow me to take you to some more accommodating surroundings.”

Jack is escorted across Olympus Heights to Sander’s own apartment. Cohen sits down at a grand piano and plays a sonata while he and Jack talk. Jack asks what Cohen wants and Cohen smiles, saying that he was hoping they could do business again. Cohen says that the ripple effects of Ryan’s death are being felt through the city and lots of things in the shadows are beginning to stir. He tells Jack that the struggle for Rapture won’t end when Fontaine goes down, since he and Ryan were just the two most visible fish. Jack asks who Cohen means and Cohen says that they’re not Jack’s concern. Jack asks why they’re Cohen’s concern and Cohen stops playing and gets up. He declares that Rapture was supposed to be a place of beauty, art, and creation but its purpose has been twisted. Jack says he’s skeptical about Cohen’s ability to “untwist it.” Cohen laughs a little maniacally and says that Jack shouldn’t trust him, but Jack has no other options. He tells that he will give Jack access to a way out of Rapture if Jack gives him the documents he found in Suchong’s place. Cohen says that after all Jack has done so far, Jack could easily kill Cohen if there is a betrayal, so Cohen has every incentive to deal fairly. Jack thinks for a few seconds and then agrees to the deal, handing over the documents, receiving a map from Cohen in return. When Jack says he has no way to know where Fontaine is, Cohen laughs and says Jack clearly didn’t remember his gift back at Fort Frolic. Jack has a look of recognition and pulls out the envelope Cohen gave him in Fort Frolic. “You knew he’d betray me” Jack says. Cohen replies “I knew Fontaine would be Fontaine. Plus, Fontaine will come after me sooner or later, so I have a stake in helping you remove him.” Jack walks towards the door. After he leaves, Cohen smiles and returns to playing his piano, musing that humans are such interesting pieces of art.

Jack contacts Tenenbaum over the radio and says he’s learned some things about who he is and where Fontaine is hiding out. Tenenbaum says that is good and after a bit of silence tells Jack that she is so sorry about what happened to him. Jack says that it won’t be easy to forgive her, but he understands what she is doing now. She asks if there is anything she can do to aid him and Jack tells her to keep the girls safe.

Jack uses a bathysphere network and arrives at Fontaine’s stronghold, Point Prometheus. He encounters Fontaine in an atrium, Fontaine looking amused. Jack says he knows what Fontaine did in order to take over Rapture. Fontaine shrugs and says he did what was best for his future. He says that Jack must know the power of ADAM by now, so Jack should understand why Fontaine did it. Jack says he understands all too well, and tells Fontaine that he will end this to free Rapture. Fontaine laughs and says Rapture will never be free, since someone will always be working to use its resources. Fontaine tells Jack that he has a chance to unify Rapture now that Ryan is dead and he controls the system, and Jack could profit from it. Jack turns the offer down, saying he won’t be a puppet again. “As you wish” Fontaine says before using a plasmid to throw a slab of concrete from the floor at him. Jack is still knocked to the ground. “I will not be stopped” Fontaine says as he races to an elevator which seals behind him. Jack is frustrated but is soon approached by someone. It is Sister. She says that she has followed Jack and wants to help him. Jack asks how she can help him and she says that the “bad man” went to the far end of Point Prometheus, but there is a second way there: through the Big Daddy Proving Grounds, where newly made Big Daddies are tested. It’s overrun by Splicers and rogue Big Daddies, but she can guide him through it. Jack says he doesn’t want to endanger her, but Sister tells him that “Miss T says that if the bad man isn’t stopped, all of us will go back to being what we were before. I don’t want to go back.” Jack nods and tells her to lead the way.

Sister takes Jack to an armory of sorts and tells him that the door to the Proving Grounds only opens for Big Daddies, so he’ll have to disguise himself as one. Jack is able to cobble together a Big Daddy suit and when fully in grumbles a bit about how it feels. “But living in one would be worse” he admits. Sister leads him to the Proving Grounds entrance and says that she can harvest ADAM from fresh corpses, but it will attract Splicers. Jack tells her to do it only if necessary. The entrance to the Proving Grounds opens and they enter. It is quiet as they move through a run-down natural history museum. They come across a pair of dead Splicers and Sister goes to harvest ADAM. The two hear the sound of shrieking from Splicers who sense the harvesting and Jack tenses. A frantic fight ensues as a small horde of Splicers emerge and assault Jack, and one another, as they try to get to Sister and the ADAM she is harvesting. Because they’re fighting one another as well, Jack is able to use his weapons and his armor suit strength to smash Splicers as Sister hides. The group is obliterated and Sister finishes. The two then move on and come across a Big Daddy on its own. Sister says it’ll ignore them if it thinks Jack is a Big Daddy, but if not it will attack to “protect” her. The Big Daddy studies Jack for a moment and then emits a metallic wail and charges. Jack charges too and we are treated to a Big-Daddy-vs.-Big Daddy duel with lots of armored punches and combat moves as they tussle in the hall. Eventually they wind up on an upper floor promenade and Jack is able to toss the Big Daddy over the railing and the Big Daddy flails until it smashes into the ground. Jack scoops up Sister and she directs him to the final portion of the Proving Grounds, which has an elevator to Point Prometheus. Jack exits the Big Daddy suit and thanks Sister for her help. She gives him the ADAM and he injects it to boost his plasmids and body and starts to give the injector back but she tells him to keep it since he may need it. She wishes him luck and scampers into an air vent as Jack enters the elevator.

Jack exits the elevator and walks to a large chamber. It is full of equipment and in the middle is a platform where Fontaine is strapped in, lots of tubes connected to his body filled ADAM. “Fitting it ends this way” Fontaine tells him. “Now you get to see the future of Rapture before you die.” He pushes a button and all of the ADAM gets injected into his body, causing Fontaine’s body to pulse and stretch and grow until Fontaine looks like a tall, muscular, roided-out freak. Super-powered by ADAM, Fontaine is able to use lots and lots of plasmid attacks on Jack as well as be strong, fast, etc. Jack fights back but he is clearly outmatched by Fontaine. After a bit, Fontaine is able to charge Jack and tackle him. He grabs Jack by the neck and lifts him up. “When I last saw you, after we wiped your memory, I actually felt sad” Fontaine tells Jack. “You were almost like a son to me, raising you for your destiny…almost.” Jack squirms and in desperation sticks the injector into Fontaine. Fontaine screams and drops Jack as ADAM gets ripped from his body. Jack gets up and backs off as Fontaine, visibly weakened, clutches at his wound before charging again. The next round of the fight goes on, with Fontaine weaker but still stronger than Jack as they trade attacks. Jack is able to cause an explosion that shrouds the area in smoke and he uses that opportunity to use his camouflage plasmid to hide himself. The smoke clears and Fontaine is unable to locate Jack. He taunts Jack for being a coward and says that when he’s done he’s going to turn all of his nice Little Sister friends back into the monsters they were and use them to give him all the ADAM he needs. Jack has used this time to climb up onto some scaffolding and leaps down onto Fontaine, stabbing him with the injector and withdrawing ADAM. Fontaine again screams but flings Jack across the chamber. The impact stuns Jack and he is helpless to move as a weaker Fontaine stumbles towards him. “I created you, built you up from nothing!” Fontaine says. “I showed you how capable you could be, and you throw it all away for what!” Jack, unable to get up, sees several former Little Sisters exiting an air vent and Fontaine doesn’t notice. The former Little Sisters have their own injectors and they assault Fontaine, simultaneously extracting ADAM from him. Fontaine wails in helpless fury as he collapses to the ground, the former Little Sisters stabbing repeatedly.

The scene changes to Jack returning to Tenenbaum’s with the girls and tells her Fontaine is dead. Tenenbaum is relieved and asks him what he will do. Jack says he has found a way to leave Rapture and invites Tenenbaum and all of her girls to come with him. Tenenbaum declines, saying there are many Little Sisters who need to be saved and there are others who will fight for Rapture now that Ryan and Fontaine have fallen. She tells Jack to never come back to this place. Jack agrees and looks a bit awkwardly at Tenenbaum and finally says he doesn’t know whether to curse her for the things she did to him or forgive her because of the help she’s done. Tenenbaum softly replies that he should do both. The two shake hands and Jack turns to leave. Tenenbaum sadly watches Jack leave and says to herself “but I don’t deserve forgiveness.”

Jack finds Sister and asks her if she would like to leave with him. Sister’s eyes go wide and she asks if they can go on an adventure. Jack smiles and says they can go anywhere she wants. The two walk out of the safehouse, holding hands, and Jack asks Sister what her name is. Sister thinks for a moment and says it used to be Jenny. Jack says that’s a pretty name and the two end up at a bathysphere that leaves Rapture and ascends to the ocean surface, where it emerges next to the lighthouse. Jack takes Jenny and swims with her to the island, Jenny in awe by the sun, sky, everything that she’s never seen before. The two sit on the lighthouse island and watch as rescue boats appear on the horizon, on their way to the site of the plane crash.

Edited February 1, 2013 by 4815162342

[Blankments]

Portal

Director: Duncan Jones
Genre: Sci-Fi
Date: July 22
Studio: Blankments Productions
Cast: Gina Carano as Chell, Benedict Cumberbatch as Sore, and Ellen McLain as GLaDOS/Turrets.
Music by: Hans Zimmer.
Runtime: 103 min

Original Song: “Better Living Through Science,” performed by Ellen McLain.
Tagline: Better movies through science.

Plot Summary: An adaptation of the hit video game.

Plot:

Chell opens her eyes and finds herself on a bed in a glass cell. She looks around for a way to get out, and then she tries to scream. She clutches her mouth and finds that her vocal cords have been removed. Suddenly, a voice rings out. The voice introduces itself as GLaDOS, or Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System, and apologizes for the loss of her voice. GLaDOS explains that the last test subject was quite a pottymouth, and they felt like they needed to remove her vocal cords so that way they can rewatch the test videos without feeling guilty. GLaDOS then tells Chell what is going on through song in “Better Living Through Science.”

GLaDOS then drops a Portal gun into the cell, and tells Chell to go through five test chambers to get cake and grief counseling to get out the test chamber. Not being given much choice, Chell complies, and she quickly learns how to use the Portal gun to get out of the room. GLaDOS then tells that her cell did not count, and the next room is the first test chamber. Chell gets into an elevator, and arrives at chamber 1. It’s a simple chamber, where she must get across a really large chasm using her gun to shoot a portal on her side of the chamber and another at the other side. Chell does this, but then GLaDOS booms in, saying that that was too easy for the genius that is Chell. GLaDOS tells Chell to look up, and Chell sees the exit is up about twenty feet. GLaDOS tells Chell to use momentum for help, and Chell gets it. She shoots a portal underneath her feet, and then another one off to the bottom of the chasm. She jumps, and just barely lands into the portal. This shoots her up to grab the ledge near the exit. GLaDOS congratulates Chell and Chell moves onto the second test chamber.
 

GLaDOS has unfortunate news for Chell: the next test chamber is under regularly scheduled maintenance and she sends Chell in a new room, one where it’s a moving platform... past ten automated turrets. GLaDOS explains this is a room meant for military androids. Chell groans at this, but quickly figures how to get rid of the turrets. She shoots portals beneath them, and then drops them from the ceiling. Every one of the turrets makes a witty comment as it dies. GLaDOS tells Chell that she is doing great, and now they will move onto chamber three.

Chamber three has a liquid pool with a moving platform over it. GLaDOS tells Chell that she is free to go in the pool, but only if she wishes to die. Chell is puzzled, but then figures it out. She jumps on the moving platform, and makes it to the other side to the exit. GLaDOS tells Chell that not using the portal gun is cheap, and reflects on her character. Just because of this, GLaDOS won’t give Chell any help in the next room.
 

The fourth test chamber is about twenty turrets aiming directly at Chell. Chell quickly makes an infinite loop so the turrets can’t shoot her. She then aims the gun past the turrets to quickly shoot and land behind some cover on the other side of the chamber. She does this, and ducks for cover. She then shoots a portal individually under every turret, which eventually keeps the turrets shooting at themselves, killing them all. The exit opens and Chell leaves, with GLaDOS telling her that she used the gun, so now she will help.

 

The fifth test chamber is the hardest yet, as GLaDOS says Chell must learn how to use the companion cube to go through it, and then drops said cube in front of Chell, a waist-high crate with a single large pink heart on each face. Chell picks up the cube, which is surprisingly light, and goes through the test chamber using it to activate switches. The chamber goes on for quite a bit, with Chell actually bonding somewhat with the cube, as it is the only thing not out to kill her. However, when Chell reaches the end of the chamber, GLaDOS will not let her out. GLaDOS says that the companion cube unfortunately must be euthanized in an emergency intelligence incinerator before Chell can continue. Chell sadly kills the innocent companion cube.

 

After Chell completes the final test chamber, GLaDOS congratulates her and prepares her victory candescence, maneuvering Chell into a pit of fire. As GLaDOS assures her that all Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4,000 degrees kelvin, Chell escapes with the use of the portal gun and makes her way through the maintenance areas within the Enrichment Center. GLaDOS becomes panicked and insists that she was only pretending to kill Chell, as part of testing. GLaDOS then asks Chell to assume the party escort submission position, lying face-first on the ground, so that a party associate can take her to her reward. Chell continues forward.

 

As Chell continues through the maintenance areas, GLaDOS still sends messages to Chell and it becomes clear that she has become corrupt and may have killed everyone else in the center. Chell makes her way through the maintenance areas and empty office spaces behind the chambers, sometimes following graffiti messages which point in the right direction. She goes into one backstage area, which is in an extremely dilapidated state, standing in stark contrast to the pristine test chambers. There is a skeleton in the middle of the room. The graffiti includes statements such as "the cake is a lie" and pastiches of Emily Dickinson's poem "The Chariot", Henry Wadsworth Longfellow's "The Reaper and the Flowers", and Emily Brontës "No Coward Soul Is Mine", mourning the death of the Companion Cub. She also finds a TV with a VHS inside of it.

She starts watching the video, which begins with a person talking to the camera. He introduces himself as Sore. If anyone is seeing the video, then they are the test subject probably right after him. He explains that when he arrived here, most of the graffiti was still around, but he needs to explain to the test subject what is happening. They are in Aperture Science, a demented research facility that is completely abandoned next to GLaDOS. Sore explains that he will spend the rest of his life in this room, which shouldn’t be too long, but then tells the viewer to follow the graffiti to take down GLaDOS and save every possible future test subject. The video ends, and Chell is determined to finish the job Sore started.

Chell makes her way deeper into the maintenance areas. GLaDOS attempts to dissuade Chell with threats of physical harm and misleading statements claiming that she is going the wrong way. Eventually, Chell reaches a large chamber where GLaDOS's hardware hangs overhead. GLaDOS continues to plead with Chell, but during the exchange one of GLaDOS' personality core spheres falls off. Chell quickly takes it and drops it in an incinerator. GLaDOS reveals that Chell has just destroyed the morality core, which the Aperture Science employees allegedly installed after GLaDOS flooded the enrichment center with a deadly neurotoxin, and goes on to state that now there is nothing to prevent her from doing so once again.

 

A six-minute countdown starts as Chell dislodges and incinerates more pieces of GLaDOS, while GLaDOS attempts to discourage her both verbally with a series of taunts and increasingly juvenile insults and physically by firing rockets at Chell. After she has destroyed the final piece, a portal malfunction tears the room apart and transports everything to the surface. Chell is then seen lying outside the facility's gates amid the remains of GLaDOS. After a few seconds of lying there, Chell is dragged away from the scene by an unseen entity speaking in a robotic voice, thanking her for assuming the party escort submission position.

The final scene, after a long and speedy zoom through the bowels of the facility, shows a mix of shelves surrounding a Black Forest cake, and the Companion Cube. The shelves contain dozens of other personality cores, some of which begin to light up before a robotic arm descends and extinguishes the candle on the cake. As the credits roll, GLaDOS delivers a concluding report: the song "Still Alive", which declares the experiment to be a huge success.

 

Theaters: 3,792
MPAA Rating: PG-13 for some sci-fi action, disturbing images, and language.
Budget: $40 million

[Blankments]

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic – The Return of Queen ChrysalisDirector: Lauren FaustGenre: Flash Animation/Adventure/MusicalDate: April 22Studio: Blankments ProductionsCast: Tara Strong as Twilight Sparkle, Ashleigh Ball as Applejack/Rainbow Dash, Andrea Libman as Pinkie Pie/Fluttershy, Tabitha St. Germain as Rarity/Derpy Hooves, Michelle Creber as Apple Bloom/Sweetie Belle’s singing voice, Madeleine Peters as Scootaloo, Claire Corlett as Sweetie Belle, Nicole Oliver as Princess Celestia, Cathy Weseluck as Spike, Kathleen Barr as Queen Chrysalis, Roger L. Jackson as Jim the Troll, Rebecca Shoichet as Twilight Sparkle’s singing voice, Shannon Chan-Kent as Pinkie Pie’s singing voice, and Kazumi Evans as Rarity’s singing voice.Music by: William Anderson. Songs by Daniel Ingram.Runtime: 88 minTagline: Something strange is going in Ponyville. 

Plot Summary: The six ponies try to save the Cutie Mark Crusaders from the villainous Queen Chrysalis. 

Plot:

The movie opens with the six ponies singing through Ponyville how nothing can possibly go wrong, and how excited they are for the upcoming festival.

(“Big Comet Festival”) Cutie Mark Crusaders (Apple Bloom, Scootaloo, and Sweetie Belle) are in Fluttershy's backyard trying to get their cutie marks, when animals with glowing eyes attack them.

The next day, Applejack, Rarity, and Rainbow Dash notice that the Cutie Mark Crusaders are acting weird, as are all the ponies in Ponyville. (“Weird Ponyville”) Twilight Sparkle realizes that they are the changelings, who have returned and are now after Ponyville. She has Spike send a letter to Princess Celestia, but receives a letter in response saying she is unavailable due to a royal emergency.

Taking the matter into their own hooves, Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie go out to rescue the ponies of Ponyville. They find Derpy Hooves imprisoned in a cocoon while a changeling takes her form. Another changeling hits it on the head to make it cross-eyed. After the two changelings fly away, the ponies enter a building with an eerie green glow. Here, they find the ponies imprisoned in cocoons by changelings. The group defeats the changelings, with Pinkie Pie trapping the surviving changelings with a bubblegum cannon. They rescue all the ponies except the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who remain missing.

Through Spike, Queen Chrysalis sends the group a crystal ball in which she can communicate with them and shows them the Cutie Mark Crusaders imprisoned in her kingdom. Queen Chrysalis then tells them through song (“You Friends Shall Fall”) to come to the rescue of the Cutie Mark Crusaders in three days, or else she'll destroy them. She cuts off the transmission when Scootaloo comments that she is monologuing and is about to reveal her plan. The crystal ball becomes a map to the changeling kingdom.

Twilight says that in three days the Secretariat Comet will pass over Equestria, sayings it is the biggest conjunction in celestial events in over three thousand years, and every magical creature will feel its effects. Twilight suspects that Princess Celestia is occupied in protecting Canterlot. Although they suspect a trap, the group sets off towards the changeling kingdom, leaving Spike in charge of the captured changelings and getting a hold of Celestia to resolve the issue.

The ponies arrive in the Macintosh Hills. (“Traveling Song”) Twilight discusses the route they'll take to get to the Changeling Kingdom, and mentions that the fastest way is through the mountain. Rainbow Dash retorts that the fastest way for her is flying over the mountain, but Applejack insists that the main six stay together as a group.

The six find and enter the cave, where they run into a cave troll, and Twilight asserts that it's much larger than the Cave Dweller's Reference Guide says that species is. The troll picks up Fluttershy, and brushes her mane with a branch, eventually setting her down on a shelf containing what looks like a giant stone Magic 8-Ball and Optimus Prime. He grabs Rainbow Dash next, dolling her up, much to Applejack's amusement and Rainbow's annoyance. Rarity then comes up with an idea, and asks Pinkie for help. The idea turns out to be rock and wood replicas of the main six. The troll grabs the Rarity doll and states that he will call it George, much to her horror. Twilight then pulls out the gem to check on the map. The troll begins singing. (“How I Love My Toys”)

The film then cuts to Queen Chrysalis, and she states that trolls are the most idiotic creatures. She then overhears the Cutie Mark Crusaders rambling on about getting cutie marks in toy making or troll hunting, and comments that trolls might be the second most idiotic creatures. She then sends her changeling minions out to enact a plan. (“The Best Worst Plan Ever.”)

Back in the caves, the changelings cause a cave in, separating the ponies into three groups: Applejack and Rarity, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, and Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy. The changelings transform into the main six.

Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash think they see Applejack and Rarity, and Rainbow, carrying Pinkie, flies down, only to overhear Applejack stating that she thinks Rainbow Dash is full of herself, and Rarity saying that she thinks Pinkie Pie is the most annoying pony she'd ever met. This angers Rainbow Dash while saddening Pinkie Pie, making her hair deflate. In another part of the caves, Twilight and Fluttershy overhear Rainbow Dash stating that she thinks Twilight is a know-it-all egghead, and Pinkie Pie stating that Fluttershy was useless to bring along, being scared of her own shadow. The reactions are shock for Twilight and sadness for Fluttershy. Finally, in another part of the cave, Applejack and Rarity overhear Twilight and Fluttershy, with Twilight mocking Applejack for thinking she's in charge, without having Twilight's knowledge or magic, and Fluttershy stating that she can't believe Rarity came along, as she felt that keeping her hooves clean would matter more than her sister. In this case, both Applejack and Rarity are angered, and Applejack suggests that they go and get their sisters without the help of the others.

When the groups eventually reach the end of their path, they begin to loudly (verbally) fight, until Twilight notices a giant spider looming over them. All the main is are terrified by the gang of giant spiders, except for Fluttershy, who is fascinated, and speculates that he is probably a big sweetie, just like the troll. However, upon looking into the spider's eyes, Fluttershy realizes the spider's less-than-friendly intentions. One by one, the ponies, except for Twilight and Pinkie Pie, are captured in webbing. Pinkie runs off, stating she has an idea, leaving Twilight to try and deal with the spider with her magic, though that fails. Just then, Pinkie returns with the cave troll, whom she has convinced of there being a teddy bear where the other ponies are. The troll, named Jim, sees the spider and is convinced that's the teddy bear, so he drags the spider off.

Later, after the ponies have been unstuck, the ponies resume their bickering, much to Queen Chrysalis's amusement. The Cutie Mark Crusaders then comment on sports they think are more fun than watching six friends become enemies, much to Chrysalis's annoyance.

Eventually, the ponies split up into their groups of two again, and go their separate ways. (“Farewell to Friendship”) Rainbow Dash worries that they're lost without the map now, but Pinkie asserts that she knows where they are. When Dash questions her, she asserts that they're in the woods. We then cut to Queen Chrysalis laughing, saying the ponies will never become friends, and take her down now! TO BE CONTINUED IN THE FALL OF QUEEN CHRYSALIS, RELEASING IN YEAR 8 appears on the screen.

Theaters: 2,795

MPAA Rating: GBudget: $20 million

Edited February 2, 2013 by Break-It Blank

[Blankments]

Elite Beat AgentsDirector: Edgar WrightGenre: Musical/Action/ComedyDate: December 2

Studio: Blankments ProductionsCast: Stephen Lang as Commander Khan, the rest of the roles are played by the typical Edgar Wright actors.Runtime: 154 minTagline: YEAH!

 

Plot:  Agent Morris, Agent J, and Agent Derek are a squad of the Elite Beat Agents, a secret government agency that are responsible for helping those in need. When someone facing a crisis reaches their breaking point and cries out for help, Commander Kahn dispatches the agents to help them succeed. The agents never assist the person directly, but encourage the person through their dancing, motivating the people they assist to overcome various obstacles. The film follows a week in their lives as they solve the following problems. 

A girl named Jane has a crush on a boy and she wants him to be her boyfriend. She asks him to come over, however he is not the only one who is coming to her house! Jane is also a babysitter and unexpectedly must watch the kids the same day her boyfriend is over. Jane feels that if the kids annoy her boyfriend, he will leave her forever. The Elite Beat Agents help her to the tune of “Walkie Talkie Man!”

 

The new movie director, Chris, is trying to make a movie. However, the movie looks horrible. His manager tells him that if the movie he is now making isn't popular, Chris will be fired from his job. The Elite Beat Agents help him to the tune of “Makes No Difference!” A taxi driver is put on license probation for driving too fast. A pregnant lady demands him to drive to the airport, and he must get her there in time without losing his license. The Elite Beat Agents help him to the tune of “Sk8ter Boi!”

 

Leonardo DaVinci must have his model, the Mona Lisa, fall in love with him, so he can paint a beautiful portrait of her. The Elite Beat Agents help him to the tune of “I Was Born to Love You!” At the last night of their show, two magicians’ show is threatened by the arrival of bank robbers who want the casino’s money. The Elite Beat Agents help the magicians to the tune of “Rock This Town!”

 

A dog gets lost, and tries to get back home. The Elite Beat Agents help him to the tune of “Highway Star!” A captain and his parrot search for buried treasure. The Elite Beat Agents help him to the tune of “Y.M.C.A.!” A weather reporter promises her son that it won’t rain the next day, when the forecast is the worst storm in history. The Elite Beat Agents help her to the tune of “September!” A car engineer becomes a ninja to keep honor with his father. He tries to steal back stolen car designs from a rival company. The Elite Beat Agents help him to the tune of “Canned Heat!”

 

Two celebrities are marooned on a deserted island and have no idea how to exist without the help of their entourage. The Elite Beat Agents help them to the tune of “Material Girl!” A white blood cell must help her person, a track runner, recover from the common cold. The Elite Beat Agents help her to the tune of “La La!” A girl’s father dies, and she and her mother try to make it through the first Christmas without him. The Elite Beat Agents solemnly help them to the tune of “You’re The Inspiration!”

An oil tycoon loses all of his money and attempts to strike it rich again. The Elite Beat Agents help him to the tune of “Let’s Dance!” A burnt out baseball player takes a job at an amusement park. A boy gives him hope, but is then kidnapped by a lava goblin. The Elite Beat Agents help the baseball player to the tune of “The Anthem!” Most of the characters previously helped by the Elite Beat Agents are taken captive by a music-hating race of aliens, the Rombulans. The Elite Beat Agents attempt to help them to the tune of “Without a Fight” but they fail. The Agents are turned to stone while shielding the rest of the humans, but the crowd's combined determination allows them to break free and defeat the remaining Rhombulan troops to the tune of “Jumpin’ Jack Flash.” A blast of spirit energy is released from the crowd, destroying the aliens' leader and saving the planet.

 

Theaters: 3,113

MPAA Rating: PG-13 for language, crude humor, and some disturbing imagesBudget: $30 million

Edited February 2, 2013 by Break-It Blank

[Blankments]

Jekyll Jr.

 

Director: Thor Freudenthal

Date: October 21
Genre: Family
Studio: Blankments Productions
Cast: Robert Capron as Jared Reek.
Music by: Theodore Shapiro.
Runtime: 82 min
Tagline: Allegorical!

 

Plot: Jared goes to the library and checks out Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He begins reading it and cannot put it down. He starts dreaming, where he mixes a secret potion. He adds in dirt, a bit of sludge, some eyes of flies, and a tiny dab of sun-tan-lotion. He starts shaking, he starts quaking, his stomach starts aching, HIS BRAIN STARTS BREAKING. He begins turning mean and green. He wakes up, frightened by the nightmare. He hides the book out of sight. However, he takes it out again that night. He dreams there's a test at school. It's weird; they have  to give the answers in semaphore, and for extra credit, grow a beard. He can't take it; in one swift motion, he grabs his potion. He says, "Mister Hyde has arrived." He tosses his flags on the floor. He makes a major speech, tells the teach, "This is all a big bore!" He runs down all the halls, write on walls, even stole second base! He is super bad, sure is glad, he wasn’t wearing his face. He turns back into his normal self. He becomes scared and throws away the potion. But it doesn't matter if he drinks the stuff, he keeps changing anyway. He wakes up the next day, and sees the book is overdue. He goes to the library. The book lady says: “Are you returning?” He thinks and he says: “No. RENEW!!!"

 

Theaters: 2,467

MPAA Rating: G
Budget: $10 million

Edited February 1, 2013 by Break-It Blank

[Ezen Baklattan]

Guardians Of The Internet

 

Genre: Sci-Fi/Comedy/Action

Director: Joe Cornish

Date: August 5th

Theaters: 3,375

Cast: Neil Patrick Harris (Mr. FriendPlace), George Takei (Mr. Examinet), Kristen Schaal (Ms. ArtHouse), Channing Tatum (Mr. WorldTV), David Tennant (Mr. Thinkbit), Tom Hiddleston (The Virus), Niel DeGrasse Tyson (God Of The Internet - cameo)

Rating: PG-13 for comic action, brief language, and some crude humor

Runtime: 114min (1hr, 54min)

Budget: $75 million

 

Plot: The world's greatest websites must team up to take on a dangerous virus.

 

When we use the internet, little do we know, that a group of special agents are working for us. Within a secret area called "The Cloud" which no human has ever been able to access. In this area, every website in the world is represented by a single persona, and he or she manages each website, and the people who visit it. Personas range from people to aliens and even animals. In addition, each personal rules over their own site, a world with many places and characters. Every website is governed and protected by the personas of five of the world's biggest websites.

 

First, we have the leader, Mr. FriendPlace. He is a cool and friendly, but secretly shy and awkward, man who represents FriendPlace, a social network site similar to Facebook. We then have the extremely clever and sometimes irreverent Mr. Thinkbit, representing a site similar to Tumblr. Third is Mr. Examinet, a wise elder with great knowledge, representing a large search engine. The only girl in the group, Ms. ArtHouse, is very quirky and silly, representing a mix of DeviantArt and Instagram. Finally, there is Mr. WorldTV, an energetic and sometimes innapropriate man who represents a massive video site akin to Youtube. The gang of five gets along well, and they have lead many sites to internet prosperity.

 

All is going very well, until we see that some of the other websites are behaving very strangely. People in the real world are confused that the site that they are visiting are not working well. Meanwhile in the Cloud, Mr. Thinkbit decides to examine one such website, and he comes to a shocking conclusion: If there are others like him who are infected, then there is a virus on the lose. No virus has ever left such a dangerous attack on a single website, let alone many different websites, so if the gang isn't able to stop this soon, the entire internet could collapse. Why would someone create a virus like this, assuming it was intentional? Whatever the case is, they needed to act fast to stop the virus.

 

That night, Mr. FriendPlace goes to his personal quarters, a place with very contemporary furniture and style, and he begins to say a few words. He is trying to summon the God of the internet.  Indeed, The God of the Internet comes to him, and he is a very wise, kind man. Mr. FriendPlace begs him for information on how the virus can be stopped and the internet saved. The God of the Internet simply smiles at him, and he tells him that he is destined to stop the virus and save the day, only to later say that he was kidding and that all of this prophecy stuff is ridiculous. However, if the five of them truly fight hard, then the internet can be saved. He also leaves, saying that he will assist them on their quest.

 

Mr. FriendPlace tells everyone about his encounter with the God of the Internet, and the others look at him in shock. The God of the Internet was a big deal. The God will only appear before very special people, and it hasn't happened in several years. Mr. FriendPlace would have to lead the gang through an epic journey across cyberspace to find this virus and save the world. Meanwhile in the real world, more websites get infected with the virus, and several computer programmers are teaming up to try and solve the problem.

 

In their journey, Mr. FriendPlace and his allies travel across all kinds of crazy landscapes, from city streets to massive arenas to futuristic planets, meeting all kinds of creatures effected by the virus. The virus has also sent many corrupt soldiers after the gang, so they must get involved in very crazy fights, ranging from Dance contests to Street Fighter style battles. The gang soon succeeds, and they build up a force of valiant websites trying to save the world. It seems like they will soon be able to find the virus.

 

Eventually, at the center of the cloud, they encounter the virus. The virus is a crazed man with brilliant costumes, who has an ultimate goal to destroy the internet. He claims that he was created as an accident, and he was soon to be deleted. However, the virus wouldn't have any of that, and he would make the entire universe pay for casting him in the dust. With the quintet about to face the virus and his forces, they decided to split up. Mr. FriendPlace would have to battle the virus on his own. The two soon get into a fight, but FriendPlace is losing. While this is happening, the real life website of FriendPlace is beginning to lose control, and people are shocked at this.

 

However, there is also a team of programmers at FriendZone trying to stop the virus's effects and rescue their websites. The other four major websites are doing this as well. With these actions, they are unknowingly giving the five personas more power in battle. The army of good eventually defeats the virus's army, and FriendPlace is able to kill The Virus once and for all. Soon, all of the personas cheer for the main five, for they have saved the internet. In the real world, people are also cheering for this miracle. Shortly after, everything goes back to normal, and the God of the Internet decides to chat with Mr. FriendPlace once again. He knew that he would win in the end, even if making it into a prophecy would have been stupid. FriendPlace is fine with that.

 

The end credits show an animated depiction of events in the movie set to, "The Geeks Will Inherit The Earth" by I Fight Dragons.

Edited January 31, 2013 by Spaghetti

[Ezen Baklattan]

Move "Best Friends" to December 16th and change The Archivist's theater count to 3,129, please.

[Ezen Baklattan]

Left Behind

Date: January 22nd

Theaters: 2,697

Genre: Horror/Drama

Rating: PG-13

Runtime: 99min (1hr, 39min)

Budget: $15 million

Cast: Unknowns

Director: Michael R. Perry

 

After a 12-year old boy, Danny, dies in a car accident, his family is completely devastated. He has left the world, and the lives of his parents, Michelle and John, and his younger sister, Sarah. In time, all three of them have moved on and gotten on with their lives, but it appears that the past does not forget us. One day when John checks his mail, he receives a letter, written in a red substance from an unknown sender, saying "Do you remember me?" John recognizes the handwriting as Danny's, but this is completely impossible. How could Danny have written this letter if he died a year ago? John quickly throws away the letter and tries to cover it up from the rest of his family. However, as the film progresses, we learn that more of the family has been experiencing mysterious visions of Danny, as if his spirit still remained. The daughter claims that Danny saw her in her bedroom, and she is becoming very scared. In addition, Michelle keeps seeing reflections and shadows of Danny around the house. The family becomes horrified at these paranormal events, as they continue to try and cope with the pain left by the death of their son. They eventually decide to call a parapsychologist to report their problems, seeing this as the only possible explanation for what has been going on in the house. The man arrives, and he gets straight to work after introducing himself. He soon finds that while Danny is dead, his spirit is still bound to the house, and he has been trying to communicate with the family so that they could help him escape to another place. In this sense, Danny succeeded to get the family's attention. The parapsychologist, in a very intense moment, somehow manages to free Danny, and remove his spirit from the house. Danny leaves a message on a piece of paper, and all it says is, "goodbye." With this, the family is now truly able to move on from the death of their child.

[Blankments]

3:38 AMDirector: Tod Williams

Genre: Found-Footage HorrorDate: June 10Studio: Blankments ProductionsCast: UnknownsRuntime: 81 minTagline: Tick tock again.

 

Plot: A man wakes up in the middle of the night, and he looks at the clock, seeing it is 3:38 AM. He then hears a creek outside of his apartment. He gets up, and begins thinking about whether he should check it out. He eventually decides to check it out. He leaves her apartment, and sees the apartment next to his is door open. He goes inside, and finds that the old lady living there is stalking him. Out of nowhere, an old lady comes and chokes him while gagging him. He wakes up in his bed, and looks at the clock, and it is still 3:38 AM. He gets up, and goes into his closet and pulls out a baseball bat. He goes next door, and sees the lady who previously gagged him sleeping. He hits her with the baseball bat, and she wakes up, looking at him in terror. He grabs a gun sitting on her nightstand and shoots her. He then wakes up in his bed again, and sees that it is still 3:38 AM. He tries to call the police, but is put on hold. When the police finally pick up, he explains the situation. The police come over and arrest the lady. The man smiles, but then wakes up in bed again, and the time is still 3:38 AM. He then goes next door, where the door is still open. He goes inside, and finds the apartment completely vacant, until he hears screaming. He jumps out the window. Cut to the clock, still showing 3:38 AM turn to 3:39 AM.Theaters: 3,207Rating: R for some violence, language, and disturbing images.Budget: $3 million

Previous Film Gross: 0.3/35.6/48.6 (OW/DOM/WW)

Edited February 1, 2013 by Break-It Blank

[Blankments]

Mumford & Sons: Babel

Director: Dan Cutforth and Jane Lipsitz

Genre: ConcertDate: September 23Studio: Blankments ProductionsCast: Mumford & Sons as themselvesRuntime: 93 minTagline: A brave band. 

Plot: A concert film following the genius that is Mumford & Sons.

 

Theaters: 2,821Rating: PG for some language.Budget: $12 million

 

 

 

 

fun. Some Nights

Director: Bruce Hendricks

Genre: ConcertDate: January 1

Studio: Blankments ProductionsCast: fun. as themselves.Runtime: 116 minTagline: Wake up. 

Plot: A concert film following the genius that is fun.

Theaters: 2,912Rating: PG-13 for brief strong language.Budget: $8 million

[Ezen Baklattan]

Cruisers: World Tour (3D)

Genre: Action/Thriller

Cast: Unknowns (just like always)

Date: October 21st

Theaters: 3,257

Budget: $50 million

Rating: PG-13

Runtime: 108min (1hr, 48min)

Previous: 22/54/100 (Cruisers), 29/75/140 (Cruisers: Second Gear)

 

The high throttle action adventure franchise is returning for a third smash year. This time, Tom, Elena, and The Cruisers are invited to go to a global racing competition, a six-week tour of the entire world, with races in all kind of intense setting, such as Rio de Janeiro, Bangkok, and even London at night. The race scenes are shot in full 3D and make for some really cool effects. However, Tom soon discovers that their main rival team, The Highway Masters, is trying to sabotage their team and other teams. It turns out that the government is trying to dismantle the group, and they're using a mole team in order to rat them out. However, in the end, The Cruisers beat the Highway Masters in the final race, and they ultimately go on to win the tournament. All is well in the racing world, and there persists an incredible spirit in racing that cannot be killed.

Edited February 1, 2013 by Spaghetti

[Blankments]

Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. GIANT Spiders

IMPORTANT NOTE INVOLVING ACTUALS: This film costs the price of two films to see since it is so long. Should the consumer wish to view only one part of the film, they need only pay the price of one ticket. The only way to see Part 3 is to see Part 1 and Part 2, and pay the inflated ticket price. IMAX 3D only offers the triple feature.

Writer-Director: Part 1: Clark Gregg
Part 2: Adam Green
Part 3: Quentin Tarantino

Producers: Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez
Genre: Action/Horror/Satire
Date: August 26
Studio: Blankments Productions and Guernica Films
Format: Filmed in 3D; IMAX 3D
Cast: Chuck Norris as Chuck Norris, Liam Neeson as Liam Neeson, Samuel L. Jackson as Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan as Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis as Bruce Willis, Mr. T as Mr. T, AnnaSophia Robb as Jessie Neeson, Jamie Foxx as Jamie Foxx, Quentin Tarantino as Quentin Tarantino, and Billy Bob Thornton as Santa Claus (The last three are not included in advertising materials/promotion.)
Music by: Rush
Runtime: 258 min total
Trailers: 12 min
Part 1: 83 min
Trailer: 3 min
Part 2: 85 min
Trailer: 3 min
Part 3: 72 min
Tagline: The Ultimate Battle.

Plot Summary: Really, you need a summary? Look at the title.

Plot:

BLANKMENTS PRODUCTIONS

GUERNICA FILMS

PROUDLY PRESENT

CHUCK NORRIS.

LIAM NEESON.

GIANT SPIDERS.

IN

CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. GIANT SPIDERS

BUT FIRST A WORD FROM OUR SPONSORS.

The film opens with fake trailers for the following films:

Cows II – Vengeance: Samuel L. Jackson stars as the man who cannot be beaten by the evil alien cows. Following the original Cows film, Jackson portrays Nuts Lemon, who just took down the Cow leader... or so he thought. He didn’t take down the mothership, and now the Cows are having their revenge.

Sex Holocaust: Mr. T stars in this, his first comeback picture. When an epic epidemic that causes the loss of reproductive systems crosses the world, Mr. T stars as Dr. Lovetoes, who needs to kick ass and take names to figure out who started the epidemic and why.

The Bloody Days of Snow White:  Bruce Willis stars as a mercenary who goes by the name of Snow White. When a band of seven height-challenged terrorists take over Buckingham Palace, he must go in and save the queen of England, but not all is as it seems, as there is a crazy giant chicken who wants to pelt him with apples (AnnaSophia Robb.)

AND NOW:

CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. GIANT SPIDERS

PART 1: CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. THE LETHARGIC LONG-LOST DAUGHTER OF DOOM

The film opens on Liam Neeson lying on Chuck Norris’s house. After the events of “Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. Bigfoot,” Liam Neeson has decided to retire from acting and spend a life of relaxation living as Chuck Norris’s adoptive brother. Unfortunately, after a year of Liam Neeson’s bumming around, Mrs. Norris is not pleased about this. We see Chuck Norris talk on the phone with his wife, saying that he’ll get Liam Neeson to leave the house finally this weekend, while she’s partying it up at Palm Springs.

Chuck Norris walks into the room, and Liam Neeson smiles at him, slightly drunk, calling him his Uncle Chuck. Chuck Norris tells him that he is Chuck Norris and will be addressed as such. Liam Neeson realizes it must be serious and awakes himself from his drunken stupor. Chuck Norris tells Liam Neeson he has bad news. Liam Neeson sighs, and asks if Mrs. Norris is kicking him out. Chuck Norris stumbles around the question a bit and finally says yes. Liam Neeson tells Chuck Norris honestly that he can’t move out. He has no family to go to, and he has effectively become Liam Norris. Chuck Norris is shocked by this statement, and tells Liam Neeson that he’s Liam Neeson, what does he need of the love of one family, when he can be adored billions? Liam Neeson rolls his eyes and tells Chuck Norris he knows the power of love and family best.

The doorbell rings suddenly, and they both look in surprise. Who would dare ring the doorbell of these two badasses? They both stare at each other, Liam Neeson wanting Chuck Norris to open the door, and Chuck Norris wanting Liam Neeson to open the door. This ends in a stalemate and they sigh, and they both go over to the door to open it. Unfortunately, they rip the door off the hinges instead. Chuck Norris tells Liam Neeson that he will be fixing that, but Liam Neeson is in shock of the visitor. It’s a pregnant teenage girl, wearing rags. She looks at Liam Neeson, and says, “Dad,” before she passes out.

Liam Neeson is in shock. He says it looks like it’s Jessie, a long lost child he had that his lover had to put up for adoption at the time. Chuck Norris says that they need to get her into a room and some new clothes. They carry Jessie up the stairs into a bedroom/spa. Chuck Norris says he never knew this room was in his house. They gently undress Jessie and put her in a Jacuzzi. She wakes up, and looks at Chuck Norris, saying she doesn’t recognize him, but then she looks at Liam Neeson, and again calls him her dad. Liam Neeson asks her to tell them what happened. Jessie says she’s been living in Australia her entire life, and recently, there have been attacks by giant spiders in Australia. Chuck Norris laughs, saying there hasn’t been anything on the news. Liam Neeson corrects him, saying there hasn’t been anything on Fox News. Chuck Norris rolls his eyes, saying he hasn’t read anything in the newspaper either. Jessie says there must be a cover-up.

Liam Neeson tries to change the subject, and says how lucky he is that he’s going to be a grandpa. Jessie doesn’t understand what he’s saying, so Chuck Norris bluntly points out that she’s pregnant. Jessie loses it, asking, ”What? How can I be pregnant? This is terrible!” She continues freaking out, and Chuck Norris lightly knocks her out with a pressure point spot. Liam Neeson freaks out, asking how could he do this to his daughter! Liam Neeson points out that he’s never been close to hurting Chuck Norris’ relatives, but the first time one of his relatives shows up, a vicious attack is totally acceptable. Chuck Norris tries to defend himself, but Liam Neeson attacks with a kick, starting what everybody watching these movies has wanted since the title “Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Loch Ness Monster” was announced. That’s right; it’s time for a CHUCK NORRIS VS. LIAM NEESON fight!!!

Liam Neeson attacks with an uppercut, telling Chuck Norris that he could’ve killed the baby! Chuck Norris flips over, dodging it and countering it with a punch to Liam Neeson’s stomach, while explaining that Jessie freaking out could’ve killed the baby! Liam Neeson recoils, but uses the advantage of the recoil to swing himself around, and kick Chuck Norris in the groin! Thankfully, Chuck Norris is already too old to have kids, but he is still in pain; yet, he clutches Liam Neeson’s legs in between his own legs, and spins him around! Liam Neeson tries to counter but can’t, as Chuck Norris does a roundhouse kick to Liam Neeson’s face! Liam Neeson bowls over in shock, but he’s not afraid to fight dirty! Liam Neeson grabs a sword from the wall, and begins attempting to stab Chuck Norris, oh the drama! Chuck Norris reflects the swords with a plank he rips from the ground, and the two have an epic sword/plank fight! Liam Neeson stabs, but Chuck Norris is able to deflect!

Meanwhile, they don’t notice that Jessie has disappeared. Indeed, in the middle of their fighting, they accidentally destroyed the floor of the entire room; which has dropped Jessie down a story. Jessie goes into labor but instead of birthing a child, giant spiders come from her, and not just where it should be. Spiders are coming out of every part of her body; eyes, bellybutton, mouth, ears, etc. There’s only one thing worse than spiders coming out of every part of your body: GIANT spiders coming out of every part of your body. Essentially, this just isn’t Jessie’s day. After about five hundred thirty-seven thousand two hundred twelve giant spiders come from Jessie’s body, she spontaneously combusts, but not into fire, but into the giantest spider of all time.

The fight between Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson continues, but is interrupted by phone calls on both of their cell phones. Liam Neeson and Chuck Norris both call time-out, and they pick up their phone. Although it was Samuel L. Jackson who called Chuck Norris and Bruce Willis who called Liam Neeson, they both have the same message: why is there a giant beam of ominous red light coming out of their Hollywood mansion. Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson do not understand the question, but then see the red light themselves from downstairs. Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson go downstairs together, ready to face whatever is there. As another ominous beam of red light bursts through the mansion, Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson are not prepared for the sight. There is a GIGANTIC spider in a ginormous web downstairs. It turns and smiles at Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson. It screams, and then about forty giant spiders run towards Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson. They look at each other, and then decide this is the one time for them to run.

They run upstairs into the safe house that is, in reality, just Mrs. Norris’ Fabio shrine. Liam Neeson again freaks out at Chuck Norris, but first, tells Chuck Norris that they can’t fight anymore since their house has been taken over by giant spiders. Chuck Norris concurs, and Liam Neeson explodes, saying that the giant spiders came from Jessie being dropped down a story while pregnant. Chuck Norris says that having an epic fight between the two greatest action stars ever was probably not the best idea to do in a room with a pregnant woman, but Liam Neeson continues, saying that he saw Jessie’s eyes in the gigantic spider, and he says they need to kill it to save Jessie. Chuck Norris isn’t usually one to shy away from a fight, but he feels the need to point out that there are at least a thousand giant spiders in their house, and there’s no way they’re going to be able to kill the leader. Liam Neeson finds the giant spiders still hard to buy, and he proposes that they’re just robots, like what Clark Gregg made.

Chuck Norris decides to humor Liam Neeson, and quickly gets out of the safe house and roundhouse kicks the giant spider right outside the door. Before any other spider can notice, he hauls it back into the safe house. Liam Neeson takes out the sword he has, and cuts it open. They see very clearly it is organic. Liam Neeson finally believes that this is a serious problem, and he comes up with a new plan. They will meet up with Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Mr. T, and Bruce Willis, and the six of them should be able to beat the giant spiders into submission. Chuck Norris agrees that this sounds like a good plan, but they first have one problem: they need to fight their way out of the house.

However, they first text Samuel L. Jackson and Bruce Willis, telling them they need to meet two blocks away from their house to deal with a giant problem. They then suit up, and Chuck Norris grabs a lever on a cardboard cutout of Fabio’s arm, which reveals a huge barrage of weapons. Liam Neeson grabs an AK-47 while Chuck Norris takes a RPG. They kick open the door to the safe house dramatically and begin fighting their way out of the house. Chuck Norris shoots multiple rockets at the giant spiders, while Liam Neeson has fun shooting them up into not giant not spiders. However, thanks to the seemingly infinite number of giant spiders, even the combined forces of Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson cannot defeat them. One of the giantest spiders attacks Liam Neeson, who ducks, and then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks the spider in the face. They continue fighting down the stairs, effortlessly killing hundreds of giant spiders. Unfortunately, they run out of bullets and need to get out of the house as soon as possible. Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson see the front door, but get caught up in the giantest spider of all time’s web. Chuck Norris tries to roundhouse kick their way out, but it doesn’t work.

The giantest spider of all time approaches Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson with its eight eyes gleaming maniacally. Liam Neeson pulls out his sword, and stabs out one of the giantest spider of all time’s eyes. It howls in pain, as Liam Neeson cuts himself and Chuck Norris out of the giantest spider of all time’s web. However, when Liam Neeson tries to remove the sword, he cannot, as it has become stuck to the web. Chuck Norris tells Liam Neeson to leave it; the other guys should have some weapons. Liam Neeson complies and the two run out of the house as the giantest spider of all time is still howling in pain.

Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson run to the rendezvous point, and find themselves there alone. They find this bizarre, and then call up Samuel L. Jackson. Samuel L. Jackson’s voice is heard, as he explains that they ran into a little trouble, but they should be there in about ten minutes. ONE HOUR LATER. Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis, and Mr. T finally arrive. Chuck Norris asks them what took them so long. He also complains that he and Liam Neeson had to fight off several more giant spiders in the last hour, but thankfully not the giantest spider of all time. Jackie Chan attempts to flip them off, but we see he has lost both of his middle fingers, which are bandaged. Bruce Willis says it’s a long story, and Mr. T says it’d be foolish to try to sum it up. Liam Neeson looks at Samuel L. Jackson, who sighs, and says he’ll tell their story. Cut to credits, which serve as an intermission.

COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU

Another fake trailer follows:

Psychedelic Easter: Jackie Chan stars in this future classic, where he plays the Easter Bunny after he was the target of a crazy assassination attempt by the dreaded PCPsycho (Samuel L. Jackson.) He must take the drugs in order to journey into the land where he can beat up PCPsycho through martial arts and save Easter for everyone.

WE NOW RETURN TO:

CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. GIANT SPIDERS

PART 2: SAMUEL L. JACKSON, JACKIE CHAN, BRUCE WILLIS, AND MR. T VS. THE INGLORIOUS INVASION OF HORRIFIC HOLLYWOOD

Samuel L. Jackson narrates the film. It all begins earlier that day, when the four of them went out to a nice café, and by nice café, they mean the dumpster of a nice café. You see, ever since the events of “Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. Bigfoot,” none of them have really been trusted in Hollywood, since they were all brainwashed into being crazed assassins by Clark Gregg. Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis are all pretty bummed out about this, but Mr. T has been too busy plotting his revenge on the nefarious Conan O’Brien. Jackie Chan tells Mr. T to just let it go; it’s not Conan O’Brien’s fault that Chuck Norris has regained popularity, but Mr. T won’t listen reason.

Either way, they begin having a nice dinner of fish bones and garbage, when suddenly, Samuel L. Jackson’s phone rings. Mr. T asks if it’s Chuck Norris, and Samuel L. Jackson answers no. He picks up the phone, and we discover that Jamie Foxx is on the other end of it. Jamie Foxx asks Samuel L. Jackson how life is going, and not wanting to look stupid, Samuel L. Jackson replies that he’s going to become the star of a reality show along with Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis, and Mr. T. Jamie Foxx laughs and tells Samuel L. Jackson to turn around. He complies, and he sees that Jamie Foxx is right there. Jamie Foxx looks at the state of the four washed-up stars, and offers to take them out to dinner. Bruce Willis is suspicious, saying that Jamie Foxx has always scared him, but Samuel L. Jackson reassures him that Jamie Foxx is nothing to fear.

They go to a nightclub, and there, a terrible thing happens: Jamie Foxx challenges Samuel L. Jackson to a rap battle. Samuel L. Jackson is hesitantly against it, but Jamie Foxx raises the stakes. If Samuel L. Jackson wins, then he’ll personally fund the reality show for Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis, and Mr. T. If Jamie Foxx wins, then Samuel L. Jackson will never be allowed to star in a Quentin Tarantino movie again, with Jamie Foxx taking up his role. Also, Jamie Foxx will be allowed to cut off the middle fingers of Jackie Chan. Samuel L. Jackson finds this bet bizarre, and asks Jackie Chan his opinion on the bet. Jackie Chan says he never really uses his middle fingers anyway, and the reality show is an enticing offer. Mr. T starts screaming that Jamie Foxx is a fool, and Samuel L. Jackson will totally beat him. Bruce Willis is firmly against the bet, but Mr. T and Jackie Chan are all for it.

Swayed by the majority, Samuel L. Jackson decides to take the bet. Jamie Foxx smiles and snaps his fingers. Rush walks in, and Jamie Foxx says they’ll be DJing the rap battle. Samuel L. Jackson looks worried for a second, but then puts on a poker face. The rap begins with Samuel L. Jackson rapping about how awesome he is, and how he’s bros with Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson. Jamie Foxx scoffs, and raps how stupid he is to call them bros, when they’re up living in a mansion, he’s just hanging with the has-beens. Samuel L. Jackson defends Chuck Norris’s and Liam Neeson’s honor, rapping that Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis, Mr. T and himself all agreed to leave them alone. Jamie Foxx rolls his eyes, and begins rapping again about how awesome he is, but then behind him, through the window of the nightclub, Samuel L. Jackson sees a giant beam of ominous red light shoot out the area where Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson’s mansion is. He asks what the f*ck that was.

Jamie Foxx stops the music, pointing out that Samuel L. Jackson didn’t rap that statement, and thus he loses. Bruce Willis yells that he told Samuel L. Jackson not to take the bet. Samuel L. Jackson is forced to sign a contract forbidding him to star in another Tarantino movie, and Jackie Chan walks up to Jamie Foxx in terror, who smiles as he tells Jackie Chan to flip him off. Jackie Chan is forced to comply, and he loses both his middle fingers in a matter of minutes. Jamie Foxx laughs, and he claps at Rush to follow him. They go to the rooftop of the nightclub and load onto a helicopter, effectively leaving Hollywood. As Bruce Willis helps Jackie Chan wrap up his wounds, Mr. T stares at Samuel L. Jackson, and calls him a fool. Samuel L. Jackson loses it, and tells them all that he saw a giant beam of ominous red light come from Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson’s mansion.

Although they are all rather peeved at Samuel L. Jackson, they listen to him and believe it. Samuel L. Jackson takes out his cell phone to call Chuck Norris, and he tells Jackie Chan to call Liam Neeson. Jackie Chan, his hands in full bandages, tells Samuel L. Jackson to f*ck off, and Samuel L. Jackson realizes his error. Bruce Willis says he’ll call Liam Neeson. They both call at the exact same time, both asking why there is a giant beam of ominous red light coming out of their Hollywood mansion. Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson both say they don’t understand the question, but they’ll go check it out. They hang up.

Suddenly, another giant beam of ominous red light shoots out of Chuck Norris’s and Liam Neeson’s mansion, and in response, Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis, and Mr. T all run outside, and see giant spiders raining from the air. Seeing no one else around to defend Hollywood, they spring into action, beating them up in creative ways. Jackie Chan manages to take down six giant spiders with only his feet, while Samuel L. Jackson beats up fourteen giant spiders using his fists of fury. Bruce Willis manages to take down about twelve with a handy pistol he keeps in his pocket, and when he runs out of bullets, he gouges out the giant spiders eyes, and fits them in for use. Mr. T also manages to beat up three giant spiders using his nice Mohawk for convenient stabbing. However, after about twenty minutes of non-stop gory fighting, the spiders begin outnumbering them, and they run into a nearby convenience store for quick protection.

When they’re in the convenience store, Samuel L. Jackson and Bruce Willis notice they have a text from Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson, respectively. They are to rendezvous at two blocks away from Chuck Norris’s and Liam Neeson’s mansion within half an hour. This would be a great rendezvous point... if Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, Bruce Willis, and Mr. T weren’t twenty miles away from Chuck Norris’s and Liam Neeson’s mansions. Jackie Chan unwraps his bandages, seeing his now middle stumps has somewhat healed in the fight. Mr. T says they need to get going, and Bruce Willis blows up, telling Mr. T he’s crazy, and there’s no way they’re going to survive twenty miles in the giant spider infested Hollywood. Mr. T freaks out and tells Bruce Willis to fight him. Jackie Chan then interrupts, telling that they’re going to fight, he wants vengeance on Samuel L. Jackson for making him lose his middle fingers. Samuel L. Jackson tells them they need to calm down and save their energy for the giant spiders, but Bruce Willis tells Samuel L. Jackson to side with him, to remember their “Die Hard with a Vengeance” days. Samuel L. Jackson shrugs, feeling forced to comply. Thus begins an epic fight no one ever knew they really wanted: a BRUCE WILLIS AND SAMUEL L. JACKSON VS. MR. T AND JACKIE CHAN fight!

Before Samuel L. Jackson walks over to the fight area, Bruce Willis throws a punch at Mr. T! Mr. T won’t take that foolish crap, as he dodges, and then Jackie Chan flips over Bruce Willis, kicking him in the back! Bruce Willis falls over, but as Mr. T tries to jump on him, Samuel L. Jackson intercepts, twisting Mr. T’s arm behind his back! Jackie Chan sees that Samuel L. Jackson is occupied, and thus tries to take the moment to kick Samuel L. Jackson’s groin, and make him lose his reproductive organs! Bruce Willis intercepts the kick with his pistol, causing Jackie Chan to cringe in the suddenly hard target! Mr. T untwists himself from Samuel L. Jackson and yells at them all to stop!

Samuel L. Jackson, Jackie Chan, and Bruce Willis stop. After all, when Mr. T says a sentence that doesn’t include the word “fool,” you know something serious is going down. Mr. T then calls them all fools, saying that they need to get to Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson. Regardless of the rift in their friendship now, they can all agree that Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson are some of their best friends, and they are counting on all four of them meeting up at the rendezvous point – Mr. T checks his watch – a half hour ago. Jackie Chan agrees with Mr. T, saying they need to get going to the rendezvous point, and Samuel L. Jackson joins it as well. Bruce Willis is hesitant, still not seeing how they can survive twenty miles in the giant spider-infested city. Jackie Chan has an idea.

Jackie Chan goes to the back of the convenience store, finding a giant spider sitting on top of a red convertible. He quickly throws his bandages on top of the spider, and, while it is temporarily blinded, Jackie Chan beats it up in the span of a single minute. He grabs the keys from the ignition, and goes back inside the convenience store, telling Samuel L. Jackson, Bruce Willis, and Mr. T that they have a sweet ride. They head out into the back, and find in the convertible two AK-47s and a completely empty RPG. They throw out the RPG, and Samuel L. Jackson and Bruce Willis take the AK-47s. Jackie Chan drives, as he is still critically injured on his hand, and Mr. T sits on top of the trunk, willing to beat up any nearby giant spiders.

Jackie Chan starts the car and they roll out. Over the next twenty minutes, non-stop action occurs. Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson treat the infested city as a shooting range, easily wounding several giant spiders. Jackie Chan does quite a bit of evasive driving, even going off ramps and into an office building at one point. He drives the car into an elevator to the roof, and then ends up driving down the rooftops of Hollywood, somehow always landing on the wheels and being able to continually drive. Finally, Mr. T is able to beat up with finesse all the giant spiders that come near him, at one point totaling to a five-on-one fight. After this huge action sequence, the car reaches within a mile of the rendezvous point, where there is suddenly no giant spiders to be found. Jackie Chan parks the car, and Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson leave the AK-47s in the car, as they are finally out of ammo. Mr. T smiles, saying that you’d have to be a fool to say that wasn’t fun. Bruce Willis starts laughing, following Jackie Chan, and then Samuel L. Jackson, and finally Mr. T starts laughing, although he doesn’t understand why.

The four walk to the rendezvous point, where Chuck Norris is slightly pissed. Chuck Norris asks them what took them so long. He also complains that he and Liam Neeson had to fight off several more giant spiders in the last hour, but thankfully not the giantest spider of all time. Jackie Chan attempts to flip them off, but we see he has lost both of his middle fingers, which are bandaged. Bruce Willis says it’s a long story, and Mr. T says it’d be foolish to try to sum it up. Liam Neeson looks at Samuel L. Jackson, who sighs, and says he’ll tell their story. He begins with saying it all began earlier that day – We then cut to the current time, which is when Chuck Norris interrupts Samuel L. Jackson, saying that they’ve reached a loop in the story. Samuel L. Jackson shrugs, saying sorry, it was an accident. Liam Neeson takes no offense, but then wonders how they are going to rescue his daughter and save Hollywood from all the giant spiders. Samuel L. Jackson smiles, saying he knows just who to call to help save the day. Cut to credits, which serve as an intermission.

COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU

The final fake trailer follows:

Ben Wulf: Billy Bob Thornton stars in this military thriller, where he plays Ben Wulf, a professional bounty hunter, after he is called in to deal with the most nefarious serial killer of them all, Grendel (Jamie Foxx.) Grendel has killed nearly every person in Swaziland, and Ben Wulf must save the Swazis, or he himself will die at their hands.

WE NOW CONCLUDE:

CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. GIANT SPIDERS

PART 3: CHUCK NORRIS, LIAM NEESON, SAMUEL L. JACKSON, JACKIE CHAN, BRUCE WILLIS, AND MR. T VS. THE GIANTEST SPIDER OF ALL TIME

Samuel L. Jackson hangs up his phone, and smiles, saying he should show up any second. Quentin Tarantino then pulls up in a limo surrounded by several naked women, apologizing to Samuel L. Jackson for him losing his bet, and that he won’t be able to help him ever again. Chuck Norris stares at Samuel L. Jackson, asking him if he really just called Quentin Tarantino to help with a giant spider infestation. Suddenly, Quentin Tarantino is shot down from the air along with all the other naked ladies. Liam Neeson wants to know what the heck is going on, when a magical sleigh lands in front of them. Santa Claus, the ultimate badass, has arrived.

Santa Claus almost apologizes for killing Quentin Tarantino and his harem, but then points out that Quentin Tarantino was one of the King of Evil’s only surviving pawns. Bruce Willis is really confused, and really pissed that Quentin Tarantino is dead, but Samuel L. Jackson tells Bruce Willis that he’ll explain it later why it was necessary. Mr. T calls Santa Claus a fool, and Jackie Chan asks why Santa Claus is here. Samuel L. Jackson explains that the Christmas before Clark Gregg kidnapped him, he did a method-acting stint at the North Pole for a Christmas movie he had lined up. He ended up rising up in the rankings of elves, even with his fake name, Jingle. After taking down the King of Evil, Samuel L. Jackson entered his resignation and revealed to Santa Claus who he really was. Santa Claus understood, and the two left on friendly terms, with Santa Claus saying that he will personally help Samuel L. Jackson once, and only once.

Samuel L. Jackson tells Liam Neeson that the giant spider invasion and the ability to save Liam Neeson’s only daughter was a big enough emergency for them to call in Santa Claus, and Santa Claus agrees, saying that he remembers when Jessie Neeson was on the naughty list, but ever since she returned to Liam Neeson, she was put on the good list just for getting away from the despicable continent of Australia. Chuck Norris asks how they can get rid of the giant spiders and save Jessie, and Santa Claus says there is only one way. They must throw the location of the giantest spider of all time’s web into the moon, where the giant spiders will thrive as a dominant species. Then, the moon dust combining with DNA in the web will cause the giantest spider of all time to spontaneously combust on Earth, leaving Jessie in its place.

They decide to act on this plan, and they all load onto Santa Claus’s sleigh. Jackie Chan asks Santa Claus if he’s on the naughty list, and Santa Claus explains that since he was brainwashed by Clark Gregg, one of the King of Evil’s pawns, that his evil under Clark Gregg didn’t count, and thus, he is on the nice list. Jackie Chan then takes the time to ask for his two middle fingers back. Santa Claus says he’s Santa Claus, not a surgeon. The sleigh flies up into the air, and Chuck Norris takes the time to apologize to Liam Neeson, saying it’s his own fault the entire giant spider business started. Liam Neeson refuses to have him take the blame, explaining that the giantest spider of all time made Jessie pregnant, and that spider is the only one to blame. Chuck Norris nods in a badass way, as the sleigh continues flying up. Mr. T asks what the fool are they doing, and Santa Claus explains that they need to tether a giant grappling hook from the moon to the mansion.

Santa Claus gives Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson a grapple to tether onto their mansion, and then gives the reins to Samuel L. Jackson, telling him to return the North Pole after saving Hollywood; they’re overdue for some catching up, and besides, he needs the sleigh back. Santa Claus also does some last minute explaining, showing a big red button that will activate the tether that will move the mansion up to the moon, and also explains that thanks to magic, anyone in the sleigh has a nice air bubble around them, so they don’t need to worry about space suits. Samuel L. Jackson asks what Santa Claus is doing. Santa Claus says he needs to get back to the North Pole; Mrs. Claus is missing him. Santa Claus then promptly jumps off the sleigh and into the Pacific Ocean, where he begins swimming back to the North Pole at extremely fast speeds. Samuel L. Jackson then lands the sleigh, to let Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson out. Jackie Chan points out that if they want Jessie to survive, then first, they’ll need to lure out the giantest spider of all time. Mr. T and Bruce Willis volunteer for this role, saying they have no interest in going to space.

Mr. T and Bruce Willis promptly run ahead into Chuck Norris’s and Liam Neeson’s mansion. They are not prepared for what they see. All the other giant spiders are gone as the giantest spider of all time has become the giantester spider of all time. The Chuck-Norris-and-Liam-Neeson slain bodies of the giant spiders have melted into the giantester spider of all time, making it being a disturbing mash-up of several giant spiders. It sees Mr. T and Bruce Willis and roars at them. The two of them try to run away, but it grabs Bruce Willis, and eats him. Mr. T screams “FOOL!” in agony, and then grabs a tranquilizer gun on the wall of the mansion, and rapidly shoots seven darts into the seven working eyes of the giantester spider of all time, and then Mr. T runs out of the mansion. The giantester spider of all time roars in pain, and then follows Mr. T out of the mansion.

A short chase through the woods outside Chuck Norris’s and Liam Neeson’s mansion occurs, as it takes five minutes for the tranquilizer to work its way through the giantester spider of all time. It finally passes out, and Mr. T stops running, and sighs in relief. He then uses a payphone to call Samuel L. Jackson, telling him the mission was a success, and the foolish spider never stood a chance. Samuel L. Jackson is pleased, but then asks to speak to Bruce Willis. Mr. T breaks the tragic news, and Samuel L. Jackson will not take it. He yells into the phone that Mr. T is a fool, and hangs it up. Jackie Chan, co-piloting the sleigh on the way to the moon, tells Samuel L. Jackson that they need to complete the mission, as it’s a possibility that when Jessie returns from the giantester spider of all time, so will Bruce Willis. Samuel L. Jackson steels himself, and continues piloting the sleigh towards the moon.

Meanwhile, on the ground, Chuck Norris’s phone rings. Mr. T called from the payphone again, telling them that their part of this foolish mission is a go. Liam Neeson rolls his eyes at the use of the word “fool,” but the two carry the tethered hook to the mansion, and easily hook it up. Chuck Norris tells Liam Neeson they should meet up with Mr. T so they can be close to Jessie when the mansion is dropped on the moon. Liam Neeson agrees and the two run up to where Mr. T is waiting. Meanwhile, the tranquilizer darts are wearing off on the giantester spider of all time, but Mr. T doesn’t notice. When Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson arrive, the giantester spider of all time suddenly wakes up and roars, eating Mr. T in a split second. Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson spring into action, fighting the giantester spider of all time back-to-back in order to save Jessie.

Meanwhile up in the sleigh, Samuel L. Jackson and Jackie Chan are right over the moon, and Jackie Chan asks if he should press the big red button. Samuel L. Jackson calls Chuck Norris to find out. Unfortunately, Chuck Norris is in the middle of roundhouse kicking the giantester spider of all time. As the phone rings, Chuck Norris tells Liam Neeson to cover for him, which he gladly does, punching and kicking the nefarious spider. Chuck Norris picks up the phone, and Samuel L. Jackson asks him if it’s time. Chuck Norris tells him to press it now, and then yells at Liam Neeson to jump away. Liam Neeson complies as Jackie Chan presses the button. Instantly, the mansion raises into the sky and flies into the moon. The giantester spider of all time screams in pain, slowly suffocating until it spontaneously combusts.

Bruce Willis, Mr. T, and Jessie are in the place where the giantester spider of all time just was. Liam Neeson runs over to hug Jessie, as Bruce Willis and Mr. T look at each other, and, glad they’re alive, have a manly hug. The sleigh lands in front of them, and Samuel L. Jackson sees Bruce Willis and cheers with joy. Jackie Chan is happy too, because it turns out Santa Claus forgot to mention a thing about the big red button: it undid all the damage done during the giant spiders’ tenure in Hollywood, meaning... Jackie Chan gladly flips off Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris smiles at a job well-done. Jessie reveals she rented a place in Hollywood, and Liam Neeson goes there to spend the night. Samuel L. Jackson invites Jackie Chan, Mr. T, and Bruce Willis to come with him to the North Pole, and they figure, why not? Chuck Norris smiles, as the crazy time in his life is finally over. He goes down to go to bed in his mansion. At least he tries to, as he slowly realizes his mansion is gone. This revelation hits suddenly when he says, “Oh, shit.”

TO BE CONTINUED IN CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. SANTA CLAUS, ULTIMATE BADASS, RELEASING WINTER YEAR 7

Cut to credits.

 

Theaters: 3,629
Rating: R for intense sequences of action and violence, drug use, strong language, nudity, sexuality, a scene of dismemberment, and disturbing images.
Budget: $50 million

Previous Films Gross: OW/DOM/WW
Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Loch Ness Monster: 29.0/77.4/127.4
Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Abominable Snowman: 41.3/96.6/174.6
Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. Bigfoot: 57.0/138.6/256.2

Giant Spiders: 42.5/102.8/117.8

Giant Spiders 2: 47.7/103.1/173.5

Edited February 8, 2013 by Blankments Into Darkness

[Ezen Baklattan]

Love Song

Genre: Romance/Fantasy

Date: February 26th

Cast: Unknowns

Theaters: 2,419

Rating: PG-13

 

Chris is a young musician who is lonely. After he found out that his girlfriend was cheating on him for so long, he has entered a state of depression. One day, he decides to write a song about a perfrect woman for him, trying to use his imagination to create a better reality for himself. The next day, he wakes up, and someone knocks on his door. The person knocking is the girl that he wrote his song about. The two soon fall in love, but Chris tries to wonder about how she came to be in reality. In the end, however, we find out that the girl was not real at all. She was just in Chris's head the whole time. A saddened Chris returns to his home, but on the way, we see a group of friends talking, and one of them looks exactly like the girl he had been with.

[Blankments]

Honey Boo-Boo Makes a Movie

 

Director: Uwe Boll

Genre: Epic/Drama/SuspenseDate: March 18

Studio: Blankments ProductionsCast: Honey Boo-Boo as Honey Boo-Boo, Unknowns.Runtime: 129 minTagline: The best movie ever.

 

Plot: After complaining a lot, Honey Boo-Boo is allowed to make a movie with her parents' money. However, when it ends up that the parents want more money than Hollywood producers are willing to give them, a Hollywood producer kidnaps Honey Boo-Boo, and sells her to the Mexican Drug Cartel. It's up to Honey Boo-Boo alone to destroy the Mexican Drug Cartel and make her movie.

 

Theaters: 3,009Rating: PG-13 for scary sequences of action and violence, drug use, some language, sensuality, and scary images.Budget: $40 million

[CJohn]

A Warning to the Curious

Genre: Horror/Thriller/Drama
Date: February 19
Theaters: 3,016
Format: 2D
Director: James Watkins
Cast: Paxton - Jai Courtney

Unknowns
Rating: PG-13 for terror, violence and disturbing images
Runtime: 99 min
Budget: $10 million

Tagline: "On February 19, evil will be awaken"
 

 

The
place on the east coast which the reader is asked to consider is Scaburgh. It
is not very different now from what I remember it to have been when I was a
child. Marshes intersected by dykes to the south, recalling the early chapters
of Great Expectations; flat fields to the north, merging into heath; heath, fir
woods, and, above all, gorse, inland. A long sea-front and a street: behind
that a spacious church of flint, with a broad, solid western tower and a peal
of six bells. How well I remember their sound on a hot Sunday in August, as our
party went slowly up the white, dusty slope of road towards them, for the
church stands at the top of a short, steep incline. They rang with a flat
clacking sort of sound on those hot days, but when the air was softer they were
mellower too. The railway ran down to its little terminus farther along the
same road. There was a gay white windmill just before you came to the station,
and another down near the shingle at the south end the town, and yet others on
higher ground to the north. There were cottages of bright red brick with slate
roofs... but why do I encumber you with these commonplace details? The fact is
that they come crowding to the point of the pencil when it begins to write of
Seaburgh. I should like to be sure that I had allowed the right ones to get on
to the paper. But I forgot. I have not quite done with the word-painting
business yet.

Walk
away from the sea and the town, pass the station, and turn up the road on the
right. It is a sandy road, parallel with the railway, and if you follow it, it
climbs to somewhat higher ground. On your left (you are now going northward) is
heath, on your right (the side towards the sea) is a belt of old firs, wind-beaten,
thick at the top, with the slope that old seaside trees have; seen on the
skyline from the train they would tell you in an instant, if you did not know
it, that you were approaching a windy coast. Well, at the top of my little
hill, a line of these firs strikes out and runs towards the sea,for there is a
ridge that goes that way; and the ridge ends in a rather well-defined mound
commanding the level fields of rough grass, and a little knot of fir trees
crowns it. And here you may sit on a hot spring day, very well content to look
at blue sea, white windmills, red cottages bright green grass,church tower, and
distant martello tower on the south.

As I have said, I began to know Seaburgh as a
child; but a gap of a good many years separates my early knowledge from that
which is more recent. Still it keeps its place in my affections, and any tales
of it that I pick up have an interest for me. One such tale is this: it came to
me in a place very remote from Seaburgh, and quite accidentally, from a man
whom 1 had been able to oblige - enough in his opinion to justify his making me
his confidant to this extent.

I
know all that country more or less (he said). I used to go to Scaburgh pretty
regularly for golf in the spring. I generally put up at the 'Bear', with a
friend - Henry Long it was, you knew him perhaps - ('Slightly,' I said) and we
used to take a sitting-room and be very happy there. Since he died I haven't
cared to go there. And I don't know that I should anyhow after the particular
thing that happened on our last visit.

It
was in April, 19--, we were there, and by some chance we were almost the only
people in the hotel. So the ordinary public rooms were practically empty, and
we were the more surprised when, after dinner, our sitting-room door opened,
and a young man put his head in. We were aware of this young man. He was rather
a rabbity anaemic subject - light hair and light eyes - but not unpleasing. So
when he said: 'I beg your pardon, is this a private room?' we did not growl and
say: 'Yes, it is,' but Long said, or I did - no matter which: 'Please come in.'
'Oh, may I?' he said, and seemed relieved. Of course it was obvious that he
wanted company; and as he was a reasonable kind of person - not the sort to
bestow his whole family history on you - we urged him to make himself at home.
'I dare say you find the other rooms rather bleak,' I said. Yes, he did: but it
was really too good of us, and so on. That being got over, he made some
pretence of reading a book.Long was playing Patience, I was writing. It became
plain to me after a few minutes that this visitor of ours was in rather a state
of fidgets or nerves, which communicated itself to me, and so I put away my
writing and turned to at engaging him in talk.

After
some remarks, which I forget, he became rather confidential. 'You'll think it
very odd of me' (this was the sort of way he began), 'but the fact is I've had
something of a shock.' Well, I recommended a drink of some cheering kind, and
we had it. The waiter coming in made an interruption (and I thought our young
man seemed very jumpy when the door opened), but after a while he got back to
his woes again. There was nobody he knew in the place, and he did happen to
know who we both were (it turned out there was some common acquaintance in
town), and really he did want a word of advice, if we didn't mind. Of course we
both said: 'By all means,' or 'Not at all,' and Long put away his cards. And we
settled down to hear what his difficulty was.

'It
began,' he said, 'more than a week ago, when I bicycled over to Froston, only
about five or six miles, to see the church; I'm very much interested in
architecture, 'and it's got one of those pretty porches with niches and
shields. I took a photograph of it, and then an old man who was tidying up in the
churchyard came and asked if I'd care to look into the church. I said yes, and
he produced a key and let me in. There wasn't much inside, but I told him it
was a nice little church, and he kept it very clean, "But," I said,
"the porch is the best part of it." We were just outside the porch
then, and he said, "Ah, yes, that is a nice porch; and do you know, sir,
what's the meanin' of that coat of arms there?"

'It
was the one with the three crowns, and though. I'm not much of a herald, I was
able to say yes, I thought it was the old arms of the kingdom of East Anglia.

"'That's
right, sir," he said, "and do you know the meanin' of them three
crowns that's on it?"

'I
said I'd no doubt it was known, but I couldn't recollect to have heard it
myself.

'"Well,
then," he said, "for all you're a scholard, I can tell you something
you don't know. Them's the three 'oly crowns what was buried in the ground near
by the coast to keep the Germans from landing - ah, I can see you don't believe
that. But I tell you, if it hadn't have been for one of them 'oly crowns bein'
there still, them Germans would a landed here time and again, they would.
Landed with their ships, and killed man, woman and child in their beds. Now
then, that's the truth what I'm telling you, that is; and if you don't believe
me, you ast the rector. There he comes: you ast him, I says."

'I
looked round, and there was the rector, a nice-looking old man, coming up the
path; and before I could begin assuring my old man, who was getting quite
excited, that I didn't disbelieve him, the rector struck in, and said:

"What's
all this about, John? Good day to you, sir. Have you been looking at our little
church?"'

'So
then there was a little talk which allowed the old man to calm down, and then
the rector asked him again what was the matter.

"'Oh,"
he said, "it warn't nothink, only I was telling this gentleman he'd ought
to ast you about them 'oly crowns."

'"Ah,
yes, to be sure," said the rector, "that's a very curious matter,
isn't it? But I don't know whether the gentleman is interested in our old
stories, eh?"

'"Oh,
he'll be interested fast enough," says the old man, "he'll put his
confidence in what you tells him, sir; why, you known William Ager yoursell,
father and son too."

'Then
I put in a word to say how much I should like to hear all about it, and before
many minutes I was walking up the village street with the rector, who had one
or two words to say to parishioners, and then to the rectory, where he took me
into his study. He had made out, on the way, that I really was capable of
taking an intelligent interest in a piece of folklore, and not quite the
ordinary tripper. So he was very willing to talk, and it is rather surprising
to me that the particular legend he told me has not made its way into print
before. His account of it was this: "There has always been a belief in
these parts in the three holy crowns. The old people say they were buried in
different places near the coast to keep off the Danes or the French or the
Germans. And they say that one of the three was dug up a long time ago, and
another has disappeared by the encroaching of the sea, and one's still left
doing its work, keeping off invaders. Well, now, if you have read the ordinary
guides and histories of this county, you will remember perhaps that in 1687 a
crown, which was said to be the crown of Redwald, King of the East Angles, was
dug up at Rendlesham, and alas! alas! melted down before it was even properly
described or drawn. Well, Rendlesham isn't on the coast, but it isn't so very
far inland, and it's on a very important line of access. And I believe that is
the crown which the people mean when they say that one has been dug up. Then on
the south you don't want me to tell you where there was a Saxon royal palace
which is now under the sea, eh? Well, there was the second crown, I take it.
And up beyond these two, they say, lies the third."

'"Do
they say where it is?" of course I asked.

'He
said, "Yes, indeed, they do, but they don't tell," and his manner did
not encourage me to put the obvious question. Instead of that I waited a
moment, and said: "What did the old man mean when he said you knew William
Ager, as if that had something to do with the crowns?"

'"To
be sure," he said, "now that's another curious story. These Agers it's
a very old name in these parts, but I can't find that they were ever people of
quality or big owners these Agers say, or said, that their branch of the family
were the guardians of the last crown. A certain old Nathaniel Ager was the
first one I knew - I was born and brought up quite near here - and he, I
believe, camped out at the place during the whole of the war of 1870. William,
his son, did the same, I know, during the South African War. And young William,
his son, who has only died fairly recently, took lodgings at the cottage
nearest the spot; and I've no doubt hastened his end, for he was a consumptive,
by exposure and night watching. And he was the last of that branch. It was a
dreadful grief to him to think that he was the last, but he could do nothing,
the only relations at all near to him were in the colonies. I wrote letters for
him to them imploring them to come over on business very important to the
family, but there has been no answer. So the last of the holy crowns, if it's
there, has no guardian now."

'That
was what the rector told me, and you can fancy how interesting I found it. The
only thing I could think of when I left him was how to hit upon the spot where
the crown was supposed to be. I wish I'd left it alone.

'But
there was a sort of fate in it, for as I bicycled back past the churchyard wall
my eye caught a fairly new gravestone, and on it was the name of William Ager.
Of course I got off and read it. It said "of this parish, died at
Seaburgh, 19--, aged 28."'There it was, you see. A little judicious
questioning in the right place, and I should at least find the cottage nearest
the spot. Only I didn't quite know what was the right place to begin my
questioning at. Again there was fate: it took me to the curiosity-shop down
that way - you know - and I turned over some old books, and, if you please, one
was a prayer-book of I740 odd, in a rather handsome binding - I'lljust go and
get it, it's in my room.'

He left us in a state of some surprise, but we
had hardly time to exchange any remarks when he was back, panting, and handed
us the book opened at the fly-leaf, on which was, in a straggly hand:

'Nathaniel
Ager is my name and England is my nation,

Seaburgh
is my dwelling-place and Christ is my Salvation,

When
I am dead and in my Grave, and all my bones are rotton,

I hope the lord will think on me when I am
quite forgotton.'

This
poem was dated 1754, and there were many more entries of Agers, Nathaniel,
Frederick, William, and so on, ending with William, 19--.

'You
see,' he said, 'anybody would call it the greatest bit of luck. I did, but I
don't now. Of course I asked the shopman about William Ager, and of course he
happened to remember that he lodged in a cottage in the North Field and died
there. This was just chalking the road for me. I knew which the cottage must
be: there is only one sizable one about there. The next thing was to scrape
some sort of acquaintance with the people, and I took a walk that way at once.
A dog did the business for me: he made at me so fiercely that they had to run
out and beat him off, and then naturally begged my pardon, and we got into
talk. I had only to bring up Ager's name, and pretend I knew, or thought I knew
something of him, and then the woman said how sad it was him dying so young,
and she was sure it came of him spending the night out of doors in the cold
weather. Then I had to say: "Did he go out on the sea at night?" and
she said: "Oh, no, it was on the hillock yonder with the trees on
it." And there I was.

'I
know something about digging in these barrows: I've opened many of them in the
down country. But that was with owner's leave, and in broad daylight and with
men to help. I had to prospect very carefully here before I put a spade in: I
couldn't trench across the mound, and with those old firs growing there I knew
there would be awkward tree loots. Still the soil was very light and sandy and
easy, and there was a rabbit hole or so that might be developed into a sort of
tunnel. The going out and coming back at odd hours to the hotel was going to be
the awkward part. When I made up my mind about the way to excavate I told the
people that I was called away for a night, and I spent it out there. I made my
tunnel: I won't bore you with the details of how I supported it and filled it
in when I'd done, but the main thing is that I got the crown.'

Naturally
we both broke out into exclamations of surprise and interest. I for one had
long known about the finding of the crown at Rendlesham and had often lamented
its fate. No one has ever seen an Anglo-Saxon crown - at least no one had. But
our man gazed at us with a rueful eye. 'Yes,' he said, 'and the worst of it is
I don't know how to put it back.'

'Put
it back?' we cried out. 'Why, my dear sir, you've rnade one of the most exciting
finds ever heard of in this country. Of course it ought to go to the Jewel
Houise at the Tower. What's your difficulty? If you're thinking about the owner
of the land, and treasure-trove, and all that, we can certainly help you
through. Nobody's going to make a fuss about technicalities in a case of this
kind.'

Probably
more was said, but all he did was to put his face in his hands, and mutter: 'I
don't know how to put it back.'

At
last Long said: 'You'll forgive me, I hope, if I seem impertinent, but are you
quite sure you've got it?' I was wanting to ask much the same question myself,
for of course the story did seem a lunatic's dream when one thought over it.
But I hadn't quite dared to say what might hurt the poor young man's feelings.
However, he took it quite calmly - really, with the calm of despair, you might
say. He sat up and said: 'Oh, yes, there's no doubt of that: I have it here, in
my loom, locked up in my bag. You can come and look at it if you like: I won't
offer to bring it here.'

We
were not likely to let the chance slip. We went with him; his room was only a
few doors off. The boots was just collecting shoes in the passage: or so we
thought: afterwards we were not sure. Our visitor - his name was Parton - was
in a worse state of shivers than before, and went hurriedly into the room, and
beckoned us after him, turned on the light, and shut the door careflilly. Then
he unlocked his kit-bag, and produced a bundle of clean pocket-handkerchief in
which something was wrapped, laid it on the bed, and undid it. I can now say I
have seen an actual Anglo-Saxon crown. It was of silver - as the Rendlesham one
is always said to have been - it was set with some gems, mostly antique
intaglios and cameos, and was of rather plain, almost rough workmanship. In
fact, it was like those you see on the coins and in the manuscripts. I found no
reason to think it was later than the ninth century. I was intensely
interested, of course, and I wanted to turn it over in my hands, but Paxton
prevented me. 'Don't you touch it,' he said, 'I'll do that.' And with a sigh
that was, I declare to you, dreadful to hear, he took it up and turned it about
so that we could see every part of it. 'Seen enough?' he said at last, and we
nodded. He wrapped it up and locked it in his bag, and stood looking at us
dumbly. 'Come back to our room,' Long said, 'and tell us what the trouble is.'
He thanked us, and said: 'Will you go first and see if - if the coast is
clear?' That wasn't very intelligible, for our proceedings hadn't been, after
all, very suspicious, and the hotel, as I said, was practically empty. However,
we were beginning to have inklings of - we didn't know what, and anyhow nerves
are infectious. So we did go, first peering out as we opened the door, and
fancying (I found we both had the fancy) that a shadow, or more than a shadow -
but it made no sound -passed from before us to one side as we came out into the
passage. 'It's all right,' we whispered to Paxton -- whispering seemed the
proper tone - and we went, with him between us, back to our sitting-room. I was
preparing, when we got there, to be ecstatic about the unique interest of what
we had seen, but when I looked at Paxton I saw that would be terribly out of
place, and I left it to him to begin.

'What
is to be done?' was his opening. Long thought it right (as he
explained to me afterwards) to be obtuse, and said: 'Why not find out who the
owner of the land is, and inform--' Oh, no, no!' Paxton broke in impatiently,
'I beg your pardon: you've been very kind, but don't you see it's got to go
back, and I daren't be there at night, and daytime's impossible. Perhaps,
though, you don't see: well, then, the truth is that I've never been alone
since I touched it.' I was beginning some fairly stupid comment, but Long caught
my eye, and I stopped. Long said: 'I think I do see, perhaps:

but
wouldn't it be a relief - to tell us a little more clearly what the situation
is?'

Then
it all came out: Paxton looked over his shoulder and beckoned to us to come
nearer to him, and began speaking in a low voice: we listened most intently, of
course, and compared notes afterwards, and I wrote down our version, so I am
confident I have what he told us almost word for word. He said: 'It began when
I was first prospecting, and put me off again and again. There was always
somebody - a man - standing by one of the firs. This was in daylight, you know.
He was never in front of me. I always saw him with the tail of my eye on the
left or the right, and he was never there when I looked straight for him. I
would lie down for quite a long time and take careful observations, and make
sure there was no one, and then when I got up and began prospecting again,
there he was. And he began to give me hints, besides; for wherever I put that
prayer-book - short of locking it up, which I did at last - when I came back to
my loom it was always out on my table open at the flyleaf where the names are,
and one of my razors across it to keep it open. I'm sure he just can't open my
bag, or something more would have happened. You see, he's light and weak, but
all the same I daren't face him. Well, then, when I was making the tunnel, of
course it was worse, and if I hadn't been so keen I should have dropped the
whole thing and run. It was like someone scraping at my back all the time: I
thought for a long time it was only soil dropping on me, but as I got nearer
the - the crown, it was unmistakable. And when I actually laid it bare and got
my fingers into the ring of it and pulled it out, there came a sort of cry
behind me - oh, I can't tell you how desolate it was! And horribly threatening
too. It spoilt all my pleasure in my find - cut it off that moment. And if I
hadn't been the wretched. fool I am, I should have put the thing back and left
it. But I didn't. The rest of the time was just awful. I had hours to get
through before I could decently come back to the hotel. First I spent time
filling up my tunnel and covering my tracks, and all the while he was there
trying to thwart me. Sometimes, you know, you see him, and sometimes you don't,
just as he pleases, I think: he's there, but he has some power over your eyes.
Well, I wasn't off the spot very long before sunrise, and then I had to get to
the junction for Seaburgh, and take a train back. And though it was daylight fairly
soon, I don't know if that made it much better. There were always hedges, or
gorse-bushes, or park fences along the road - some sort of cover, I mean - and
I was never easy for a second. And then when I began to meet people going to
work, they always looked behind me very strangely: it might have been that they
were surprised at seeing anyone so early; but I didn't think it was only that,
and I don't now: they didn't look exactly at me. And the porter at the train
was like that too. And the guard held open the door after I'd got into the
carriage - just as he would if there was somebody else coming, you know. Oh,
you may be very sure it isn't my fancy,' he said with a dull sort of laugh.
Then he went on: 'And even if I do get it put back, he won't forgive me: I can
tell that. And I was so happy a fortnight ago.' He dropped into a chair, and I
believe he began to cry.

We
didn't know what to say, but we felt we must come to the rescue somehow, and so
- it really seemed the only thing - we said if he was so set on putting the
crown back in its place, we would help him. And I must say that after what we
had heard it did seem the right thing. If these horrid consequences had come on
this poor man, might there not really be something in the original idea of the
crown having some curious power bound up with it, to guard the coast? At least,
that was my feeling, and I think it was Long's too. Our offer was very welcome
to Paxton, anyhow. When could we do it? It was nearing half-past ten. Could we
contrive to make a late walk plausible to the hotel people that very night? We
looked out of the window: there was a brilliant full moon - the Paschal moon.
Long undertook to tackle the boots and propitiate him. He was to say that we
should not be much over the hour, and if we did find it so pleasant that we
stopped out a bit longer we would see that he didn't lose by sitting up. Well,
we were pretty regular customers of the hotel, and did not give much trouble,
and were considered by the servants to be not under the mark in the way of
tips; and so the boots was propitiated, and let us out on to the sea-front, and
remained, as we heard later, looking after us. Paxton had a large coat over his
arm, under which was the wrapped-up crown.

So
we were off on this strange errand before we had time to think how very much
out of the way it was. I have told this part quite shortly on purpose, for it
really does represent the haste with which we settled our plan and took action.
'The shortest way is up the hill and through the churchyard,' Paxton said, as
we stood a moment before, the hotel looking up and down the front. There was
nobody about - nobody at all. Seaburgh out of the season is an early, quiet
place. 'We can't go along the dyke by the cottage, because of the dog,' Paxton
also said, when I pointed to what I thought a shorter way along the front and
across two fields. The reason he gave was good enough. We went up the
road to the church, and turned in at the churchyard gate. I confess to having
thought that there might be some lying there who might be conscious of our
business: but if it was so, they were also conscious that one who was on their
side, so to say, had us under surveillance, and we saw no sign of them. But
under observation we felt we were, as I have never felt it at another time.
Specially was it so when we passed out of the churchyard into a narrow path
with close high hedges, through which we hurried as Christian did through that
Valley; and so got out into open fields. Then along hedges, though I world
sooner have been in the open, where I could see if anyone was visible behind
me; over a gate or two, and then a swerve to the left, taking us up on to the
ridge which ended in that mound.

As we neared it, Henry Long felt, and I felt too,
that there were what I can only call dim presences waiting for us, as well as a
far more actual one attending us. Of Paxton's agitation all this time I can
give you no adequate picture: he breathed like a hunted beast, and we could not
either of us look at his face. How he would manage when we got to the very
place we had not troubled to think: he had seemed so sure that that would not
be difficult. Nor was it. I never saw anything like the dash with which he
flung himself at a particular spot in the side of the mound, and tore at it, so
that in a very few minutes the greater part of his body was out of sight. We
stood holding the coat and that bundle of handkerchief, and looking, very
fearfully, I must admit, about us. There was nothing to be seen: a line of dark
firs behind us made one skyline, more trees and the church tower half a mile
off on the right, cottages and a windmill on the horizon on the left, calm sea
dead in front, faint barking of a dog at a cottage on a gleaming dyke between
us and it: full moon making that path we know across the sea: the eternal
whisper of the Scotch firs just above us, and of the sea in front. Yet, in all
this quiet, an acute, an acrid consciousness of a restrained hostility very
near us, like a dog on a leash that might be let go at any moment.

Paxton pulled himself out of the hole, and
stretched a hand back to us. 'Give it to me,' he whispered, 'unwrapped.' We
pulled off the handkerchiefs, and he took the crown. The moonlight just fell on
it as he snatched it. We had not ourselves touched that bit of metal, and I
have thought since that it was just as well. In another moment Paxton was out
of the hole again and busy shovelling back the soil with hands that were
already bleeding He would have none of our help though It was much the longest
part of the job to get the place to look undisturbed yet - I don't know how -
he made a wonderful success of it At last he was satisfied and we turned back

We were a couple of hundred yards from the hill
when Long suddenly said to him: 'I say you've left your coat there. That won't
do See?' And I certainly did see it -- the long dark overcoat lying where the
tunnel had been. Paxton had not stopped, however: he only shook his head, and
held up the coat on his arm. And when we joined him, he said, without any excitement,
but as if nothing mattered any more: 'That wasn't my coat.' And, indeed, when
we looked back again, that dark thing was not to be seen.

Well, we got out on to the road, and came rapidly
back that way. It was well before twelve when we got in, trying to put a good
face on it, and saying - Long and I - what a lovely night it was for a walk.
The boots was on the look-out for us, and we made remarks like that for his
edification as we entered the hotel. He gave another look up and down the
sea-front before he locked the front door, and said: 'You didn't meet many
people about, I s'pose, sir?' 'No, indeed, not a soul,' I said; at which I
remember Paxton looked oddly at me. 'Only I thought I see someone turn up the
station road after you gentlemen,' said the boots. 'Still, you was three
together, and I don't suppose he meant mischief.' I didn't know what to say;
Long merely said 'Good night,' and we went off upstairs, promising to turn put
all lights, and to go to bed in a few minutes.

Back in our room, we did our very best to make
Paxton take a cheerful view. There's the crown safe back,' we said; 'very
likely you'd have done better not to touch it' (and he heavily assented to
that), 'but no real harm has been done, and we shall never give this away to anyone
who would be so mad as to go near it. Besides, don't you feel better yourself?
I don't mind confessing,' I said, 'that on the way there I was very much
inclined to take your view about - well, about being followed; but going back,
it wasn't at all the same thing, was it?' No, it wouldn't do: 'You've
nothing to trouble yourselves about,' he said, 'but I'm not forgiven. I've got
to pay for that miserable sacrilege still. I know what you are going to say.
The Church might help. Yes, but it's the body that has to suffer. It's true I'm
not feeling that he's waiting outside for me just now. But-' Then he stopped.
Then he turned to thanking us, and we put him off as soon as we could. And
naturally we pressed him to use our sitting-room next day, and said we should
be glad to go out with him. Or did he play golf, perhaps? Yes, he did, but he
didn't think he should care about that tomorrow. Well, we recommended him to
get up late and sit in our room in the morning while we were playing, and we
would have a walk later in the day. He was very submissive and piano
about it all: ready to do just what we thought best, but clearly quite certain
in his own mind that what was coming could not be averted or palliated. You'll
wonder why we didn't insist on accompanying him to his home and seeing him safe
into the care of brothers or someone. The fact was he had nobody. He had had a
flat in town, but lately he had made up his mind to settle for a time in
Sweden, and he had dismantled his flat and shipped off his belongings, and was
whiling away a fortnight or three weeks before he made a start. Anyhow, we
didn't see what we could do better than sleep on it - or not sleep very much,
as was my case and see what we felt like tomorrow morning.

We felt very different, Long and I, on as
beautiful an April morning as you could desire; and Paxton also looked very
different when we saw him at breakfast. 'The first approach to a decent night I
seem ever to have had,' was what he said. But he was going to do as we had
settled: stay in probably all the morning, and come out with us later. We went
to the links; we met some other men and played with them in the morning, and
had lunch there rather early, so as not to be late back. All the same, the
snares of death overtook him.

Whether it could have been prevented, I don't
know. I think he would have been got at somehow, do what we might. Anyhow, this
is what happened.

We went straight up to our room. Paxton was
there, reading quite peaceably. 'Ready to come out shortly?' said Long, 'say in
half an hour's time?' 'Certainly,' he said: and I said we would change first,
and perhaps have baths, and call for him in half an hour. I had my bath first,
and went and lay down on my bed, and slept for about ten minutes. We came out
of our rooms at the same time, and went together to the sitting-room. Paxton
wasn't there - only his book. Nor was he in his room, nor in the downstair
rooms. We shouted for him. A servant came out and said: 'Why, I thought you
gentlemen was gone out already, and so did the other gentleman. He heard you
a-calling from the path there, and run out in a hurry, and I looked out of the
coffee-room window, but I didn't see you. 'Owever, he run off down the beach
that way.'

Without a word we ran that way too - it was the
opposite direction to that of last night's expedition. It wasn't quite four
o'clock, and the day was fair, though not so fair as it had been, so that was
really no reason, you'd say, for anxiety: with people about, surely a man
couldn't come to much harm.

But.something in our look as we ran out must have
struck the servant, for she came out on the steps, and pointed, and said, 'Yes,
that's the way he went.' We ran on as far as the top of the shingle bank, and
there pulled up. There was a choice of ways: past the houses on the sea-front,
or along the sand at the bottom of the beach, which, the tide being now out,
was fairly broad. Or of course we might keep along the shingle between these
two tracks and have some view of both of them; only that was heavy going. We chose
the sand, for that was the loneliest, and someone might come to harm there
without being seen from the public path.

Long said he saw Paxton some distance ahead,
running and waving his stick, as if he wanted to signal to people who were on
ahead of him. I couldn't be sure: one of these sea-mists was coming up very
quickly from the shuth. There was someone, that's all I could say. And there
were tracks on the sand as of someone running who wore shoes; and there were
other tracks made before those - for the shoes sometimes trod in them and
interfered with them - of someone not in shoes. Oh, of course, it's only my
word you've got to take for all this: Long's dead, we'd no time or means to
make sketches or take casts, and the next tide washed everything away. All we
could do was to notice these marks as we hurried on. But there they were over
and over again, and we had no doubt whatever that what we saw was the track of
a bare foot, and one that showed more bones than flesh.

The notion of Paxton running after - after
anything like this, and supposing it to be the friends he was looking for, was
very dreadful to us. You can guess what we fancied: how the thing he was
following might stop suddenly and turn round on him, and what sort of face it
would show, half-seen at first in the mist - which all the while was getting
thicker and thicker. And as I ran on wondering how the poor wretch could have
been lured into mistaking that other thing for us, I remembered his saying, 'He
has some power over your eyes.' And then I wondered what the end would be, for
I had no hope now that the end could be averted, and - welI, there is no need
to tell all the dismal and horrid thoughts that flitted through my head as we
ran on into the mist. It was uncanny, too, that the sun should still be bright
in the sky and we could see nothing. We could only tell that we were now past
the houses and had reached that gap there is between them and the old martello
tower. When you are past the tower, you know, there is nothing but shingle for a
long way - not a house, not a human creature; just that spit of land, or rather
shingle, with the river on your right and the sea on your left.

Butjust before that, just by the martello tower,
you remember there is the old battery, close to the sea. I believe there are
only a few blocks of concrete left now: the rest has all been washed away, but
at this time there was a lot more, though the place was a ruin. Well, when we
got there, we clambered to the top as quick as we could to take breath and look
over the shingle in front if by chance the mist would let us see anything. But
a moment's rest we must have. We had run a mile at least. Nothing whatever was
visible ahead of us, and we were just turning by common consent to get down and
run hopelessly on, when we heard what I can only call a laugh: and if you can
understand what I mean by a breathless, a lungless laugh, you have it: but I
don't suppose you can. It came from below, and swerved away into the mist. That
was enough. We bent over the wall. Paxton was there at the bottom.

You don't need to be told that he was dead. His
tracks showed that he had run along the side of the battery, had turned sharp
round the corner of it, and, small doubt of it, must have dashed straight irito
the open arms of someone who was waiting there. His mouth was full of sand and
stones, and his teeth and jaws were broken to bits. I only glanced once at his
face.

At the same moment, just as we were scrambling
ddwn from the battery to get to the body, we heard a shout, and saw a man
running down the bank of the martello tower. He was the caretaker stationed
there, and his keen old eyes had managed to descry through the mist that
something was wrong. He had seen Paxton fall, and had seen us a moment after,
running up - fortunate this, for otherwise we could hardly have escaped
suspicion of being concerned in the dreadful business. Had he, we asked, caught
sight of anybody attacking our friend? He could not be sure.

We sent him off for help, and stayed by the dead
man till they came with the stretcher. It was then that we traced out how he
had come, on the narrow fringe of sand under the battery wall. The rest was
shingle, and it was hopelessly impossible to tell whither the other had gone.

What
were we to say at the inquest? It was a duty, we felt, not to give up, there
and then, the secret of the crown, to be published in every paper. I don't know
how much you would have told; but what we did agree upon was this: to say that
we had only made acquaintance with Paxton the day before, and that he had told
us he was under some apprehension of danger at the hands of a man called
William Ager. Also that we had seen some other tracks besides Paxton's when we
followed him along the beach. But of course by that time everything was gone from
the sands.

No
one had any knowledge, fonunately, of any William Ager living in the district.
The evidence of the man at the martello tower freed us from all suspicion. All
that could be done was to return a verdict of wilful murder by some person or persons
unknowtn.

Paxton
was so totally without connections that all the inquiries that were
subsequently made ended in a No Thoroughfare. And I have never been at
Seaburgh, or even near it, since.

Edited February 2, 2013 by CJohn

[Ezen Baklattan]

Danger Days: The True Lives Of The Fabulous Killjoys

 

Genre: Music/Action

Date: July 22nd

Theaters: 2,856

Cast: Gerard Way, (Party Poision), Ray Toro (Jet Star), Fun Ghoul (Frank Iero), Mikey Way (Kobra Kid), Grant Morisson (Korse), Grace Jeanette (The Little Girl), Steven Montano (Dr. Death Defying), Ricky Rebel (Show Pony)

Director: Gerard Way & Paul Brown

Runtime: 96min (1hr, 36min)

Rating: R for language and violence

 

Based on My Chemical Romance's 2010 ablum, this film is based around the lives of the "Fabulous Killjoys", in the setting of a post-apocalyptic California in the year 2019. The band's alter-egos are the four Killjoys: "Party Poison" "Jet Star"  "Fun Ghoul" and "Kobra Kid." The Killjoys are a group of outlaws who are fighting against the evil corporation Better Living Industries (BL/ind.) and its various "Draculoids" and exterminators, such as Korse,from the S/C/A/R/E/C/R/O/W Unit. Their guide is the pirate radio DJ named Dr. Death Defying, and his sidekick, Show Pony.

 

They daily lives include fun recklessness and trying to take down BLI, ("Na Na Na") but they soon find a young girl, referred to simply as The Little Girl, whose parents were killed by agents of BLI. The killjoys decide to take her in as one of them, given her rebellious spirit. The five of them grow very close together, but some agents soon find her, and she is kidnapped by Korse, one of the evil exterminators. They decide that they must go find her and save her. The songs in the next act include "Bulletproof Heart," "Planetary (GO!)," "The Only Hope For Me Is You," "Party Poison," and "Summertime"

 

Unfortunately, Jet Star and Kobra Kid have been killed by an ambush of exterminators, leaving only Party Poison and Fun Ghoul. The song playing during this scene is "Save Yourself, I'll Hold Them Back." The remaining two soon arrive in the city base of BLI, and they do this to the song "Destroya." They eventually find the girl, and they get into a final fight with Korse and the leaders of BLI. ("Sing") In the aftermath, the remaining two are killed, but the BLI leaders are also killed, and their tyranny comes to an end. The Little Girl is also rescued, and she is taken in by DJ Death Defying, who leaves a radio message that he must leave.

 

The end credits play to "The Kids From Yesterday."

Edited February 2, 2013 by Spaghetti

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