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chasmmi

Chasmmi's Top 90 films of 2016 - It is finally here!!! The world is going wild.

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So here we are. Like clockwork, I wait until the moment that everyone is sick of countdowns and I choose the time to strike! 

 

This is my list and as such it will have things people disagree with and also things that people will disagree with. I put a big emphasis on fun and enjoyability in the films I watch. I also like far too many films period as you will soon see. 

 

I mark each film out of 100 and here is a general breakdown of how I see the scores:

 

100/100 Not necessarily perfect, but it gave me everything I ever wanted from a film of its type and as such I love it. I have not given a film 100/100 since 2014 and have only given the score twice since 2010. 

 

95-99/100 Damn great. If Jessica Alba knocks on my door and asks to take shelter in my bed from the rain for the evening, she will have to promise to sit quietly in the corner and wait for the film to finish.

 

90-94/100 Still an A grade film, but I may allow Jessica to ask a question or two while I watch.

 

80-89/100 A good film. Entertaining, but potentially pausable if the right person knocks on my door.

 

70-79/100 It's decent. Would watch it again, but the girl wins this one. 

 

60-69/100 The film is fine. I can probably fake really liking it if she expects that of me.

 

50-59/100 Disappointing. She needs to offer something desirable in return for me to agree to watch this too many times. 

 

40-49/100 getting to the point where she has to be damn hot for me to agree to watch this.

 

30-39/100 Maybe if it is her birthday

 

20-29/100 Only if I am in a good mood and she invites a friend along too. 

 

10-19/100 No way I am touching anybody this delusional

 

0-9/100 I may need to call a psychiatrist. This woman needs special help. 

 

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A quick recap of my top 3 for the past few years:

 

2015:

 

 

1 The Martian 99
2 When Marnie Was Here 98
3 The Big Short 97

 

 

2014:

 

1 Dawn of the Planet of the Apes 100
2 John Wick 98
3 Pride 97

 

2013:

 

1 Hunger Games: Catching Fire 98
2 Gravity 96
3 Thor: The Dark World 95

 

2012:

 

1 Life of Pi 100
2 The Avengers 95
3 Wreck it Ralph 95

 

2011: 

 

1 Kung Fu panda 2 98
2 Rise of the Planet of the Apes 97
3 Everything Must Go 96

 

2010:

 

1 The King's Speech 99
2 Buried 98
3 Tangled 95

 

 

 

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So to kick off with the worst of the worst:

Spoiler

 

90th - Dirty Grandpa - 9/100

You will see a common theme in this list that there will be instances where small details a film can turn my entire perception of it on its head. Here is a first example of this. 

 

Dirty Grandpa is not a comedy I like. It is crude, awkward and lacking in any heart or redeeming features that I can get behind. De Niro is an embarrassment and I almost never laughed in a supposed comedy. What turned this into a hateful film for the ages for me was not extended De Niro masturbation scenes, it was not needless gross out scenes or cursing for the sake of cursing.

 

No it was one scene on a beach involving Zac Efron naked on a beach wearing nothing but a children's stuffed toy while a small kid asks to grab and touch him. Now I find paedophilia as hilarious as the next pers... oh wait that's right, I don't. Some may feel this is an overreaction on my part and yeah, it may well be. But the whole scene revulsed and angered me and thus turned what was a pretty bad film, into the worst film of the year.  

 

 

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Spoiler

 

89th - Ice Age: Collision Course - 11/100

I think I actually could feel myself getting stupider as this film went on.

 

I know science, plot and the like should not really be an important factor in a series like Ice Age, but dear god this was a stupid stupid stupid film. Ice Age has never been a film of the year candidate, but they were usually somewhere between solid and watchable. This one however was so painful to watch I couldn't help but get distracted by how stupid every character is, how ridiculous the final solution to stopping the collision was, and just overall, how much I wanted this film to die a fiery fiery death.

 

Long story short. They took a franchise that was about to turn average into $800M, and decided to see how much they could make out of total arseshit. The answer was a lot less than $800M. 

 

 

 

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Spoiler

 

88th - Bad Moms - 13/100

Three films in and we have the second instance of a minor aspect within a film turning something mediocre into something unforgivable in my eyes.  

 

Bad Moms had potential in my eyes (and I will likely watch spin offs/sequels like the schmuck I am), however there was just a couple of characters too many that annoyed me too much for me to enjoy the film totally. And then there was the point where this film changed from a 60/100 film to a 13/100 film: the ending.

 

Spoiler

Prepare for overreaction o'clock again...

 

WHO THE FUCK FORGIVES A WOMAN THAT PLANTS DRUGS IN THEIR DAUGHTER'S LOCKER!!!

 

This may seem like a tiny thing, but too me it just made me angry at all the characters that we are supposed to like. If we were talking forgiveness of something that was done to Kunis' character, then that is fine. Forgive and forget. But to suddenly forget what somebody does to your kid because they look sad and then become bestest friends? Fuck that and fuck this film for glossing over exactly what that woman did for the sake of sequels and fun tra la la endings. 

 

 

 

 

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spot on about Ice Age. They have completely given up, made no attempt to even try to make something resembling an actual film. at least the film took a massive nosedive at the box office.

 

That moment in Dirty Grandpa was really horrible, I agree.

 

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Spoiler

 

87th - Assassin's Creed - 24/100

I genuinely do not understand how this could end up being bad. 

 

This film... what the fuck were the film makers thinking? It is dull, dreary, there are no stakes and something that sounded so cool has been turned into a joke. This was supposed to be the year that video game films finally become good and this was what we received.

 

I will expand my thoughts on Warcraft later in the list, but whether I found that film to be good or bad, there was one thing that Warcraft got right and that was that I could see the game's DNA within the film. You could imagine how the game may play. This? There were about 3 scenes that felt like they could have been from a video game and those scenes were all shite.

 

Also, no there are too many stupid things in this film to rant about anything specific (why let him speak to his dad, why put him in a room with the rest of the creed, who was the random Asian woman who randomly became one of his closest allies without even a line of dialogue,

Spoiler

why let Fassbender past you when you know he plans to kill your dad and then become evil and revenge minded because he did what you allowed him to do? 

why ? why? why? why? why?

 

I think I spent the final hour of this film just open mouthed as to how this film was possibly able to happen in this form. 

 

 

 

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This may not be popular...

Spoiler

 

86th - The Witch - 37/100

Because goats are apparently scary now 

 

This was possibly the most boring film of the year. People raved about this horror film and I was so excited to see it, but upon viewing... well I really have nothing to say because nothing ever fucking happens. 

 

That's really all I have to say: dull, dreary, overrated and not the first time I will find myself typing about how I don't see what people see in something. 

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Spoiler

 

85th - Warcraft - 52/100

Well there we go, there were a total of 5 films that I outright did not like last year. This is the first of the films that I am able to tolerate at least on some level. 

 

Warcraft, Warcraft, Warcraft... if only you had told me that I had to do 6 days of research and homework before I saw this film, perhaps I would have liked it more. Unlike with Ass Creed, I can see genuine effort in this film to make something that works as both a film and an homage to the source material. However, it just isn't fun, there's  so much lore to keep up with and half the time, I just had no idea why characters were doing what they did.

 

Nobody explained what the fell was, or why certain characters acted as they did. Why did the ending have to happen as it did, why did character X go bad or turn good. There was so much where it felt like I had to have played the games to understand what was going on. It just made the overall project just far too boring for what it should have been. 

 

 

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Spoiler

 

84th - Hail Caesar - 57/100

I wish I could love a film as much as this film loves itself.  

 

This was a film that just did nothing for me. The story was meh. The stuff with Clooney after the kidnap was nothing short of stupid and there's not really much else to say. 

 

I nothing this film. 

 

 

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83rd - Batman: The Killing Joke - 59/100

The first animated Marvel or DC thing (Big Hero 6 excluded)I've seen in years. I did not wait long enough. 

 

I honestly spent 30 minutes thinking I had found the wrong film. I was expecting an epic joker vs Batman showdown for the ages and was given Batgirl complaining about boys. This film is 40% filler, 40% silliness, 19% nonsense and 1% material included to secure the R rating. 

 

I am not a comic book reader, so I do not know how much Hobbiting had to be done to create a feature length film, but whatever they kept / added was the wrong choice. It feels like one of those straight to DVD Disney sequels that actually was just a failed TV show pilot, smushed together with a few unaired episode to appear to be a film when it really isn't. 

 

Disappointing film is disappointing. 

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Hopefully @baumer does not see this...

 

 

Spoiler

 

82nd - The Neon Demon - 63/100

It's like La La Land but with models and with the singing.  

 

Some people really really loved this. I don't see it. In fact I fell asleep twice at least trying to get through to the end. The is a chore of a film. Pretty people bitch about being pretty, but not as pretty as person x, Keanu Reeves I think just found himself in the centre of a studio set while trying to get some secret rest at a motel park it seems. Such a random casting. 

 

I was hoping for some fucked up insanity when watching this. What i got was pretty girls and the hidden hardships of being pretty

 

 

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Spoiler

 

81st - Bad Santa 2 - 63/100

It almost upsets me when grumpy films forget they are supposed to also add heart to their films too.  

 

I liked Bad Santa, it was a mean-spirited yet ultimately well meaning film about a prick that robs places in the guise of Santa. Bad Santa 2 however remembers the first part but forgets the second. Thornton is a total arsehole the whole film and as such the moments of 'redemption' just don't hold water. They are not earned or justified. 

 

There are funny moments in this film and nothing offended me to the point I deduct it 50 points, but its still not a film I ever need to see again or recommend to others.

 

 

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Spoiler

 

80th - Dad's Army - 64/100

Now this is how you don't update a quaint comedy from the 60's. 

 

Non-Brits may have no clue what this is or what it was based on, but Dad's army is a lovable classic comedy from the days of yore. It was silly and irreverent and lacking in any sense of scope or urgency despite its world war two backdrop. 

 

Trying to turn it into a cinematic release with a new cast I assume would be similar to trying to do that with something like Mash today (I know that began as a film). This show is on TV so much consistently for 50 years and thus the original cast is iconic. Bill Nighly is a screen gem, but he didn't work as Wilson. Pike was also horribly miscast and Wilson getting more lines than him or Jones was bewildering to me. 

 

On a positive note, Michael Gambon nailed Godfrey, the best thing in the film. And there was the odd flash of what made the original great. But overall, its a blah film for British eyes only really. 

 

 

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Spoiler

 

79th - The Huntsman: Winter's War - 64/100

The War film that does not have a fucking war.  

 

God this was dull. This film just kept building up and building up to a war that never happened. We had the snow queen, the evil queen and whatever other not Disney we promise queen they could come up with and did nothing with it. All we got were dwarfs being dwarfist against other dwarfs for two hours. Who wrote this thing?

 

We are in the territory now of films that I have not just negative things to say about them and with this film, it is true that the film is quite pretty. Hemsworth also maintains his skill of being pretty good nomatter how bad the film around him may be and I think I laughed at a joke or two. 

 

But yeah, this is a great example of a sequel that made no sense existing. 

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Spoiler

 

78th - Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates - 65/100

Remember Wedding Crashers? That was fun right?  

 

Well this was just okay. Like with a lot of comedy in the past 5 years, its seems to have a handle on the gross out/immature/silly, but is lost when it comes to making characters redeemable. The believability  of two characters eventually getting together or an audience routing for them getting together is cast aside in the search for classic comedy moments. 

 

Mike and Dave isn't as bad as say Bad Santa or Dirty Grandpa in this respect but there are still scenes in this film that just make you outright dislike a character that you are expected to be hoping finds true love and be happy 17 minutes later.

 

Wedding Crashers is a good example of doing things the right way. Characters do outrageous or despicable things but also the redemption is believeable and thus the ending works even if it stretches real life logic. Same deal with an American Pie or many other examples. The film is funny in places, but it is lacking with anything else. 


 

 

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