Xillix Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 (edited) THE RECKONING IS AT HAND, FOOLISH EARTHLINGS! JANUARY Bloody Mary "A traditional January horror stinker. Muschietti goes all-out with the bombast and special effects, but this scattershot tale of a bunch of suspiciously old and wealthy college grads lacks the heart of his prior efforts. Worse, the scares are hit-or-miss, the visual effects overload kills the atmosphere, and the ending is a desperate cheat." Two Lonely Zookeepers "The director of The Blind Side and The Rookie finally evolves his penchant for histrionic melodrama into full on self-parody, and it's hard to tell how much is intentional. There's a possibility this could become a cult hit on home video, but its failure as a serious emotional piece and dubious sense of humor make it unlikely to reach a wide theatrical audience." January Gem "A light and inessential comedy carried by a moderately clever premise and the comedic talents of its leading men. Fans of Stiller - especially Tropic Thunder and its Hollywood tomfoolery - are likely to be satisfied." Timmy's Winter Vacation 2 "This unnecessary sequel at least tries something different - but it goes off the rails within the first 20 minutes and never really gets back on track. It feels like a completely different movie retrofitted as a follow-up, and is too complex for kids and insufferably ludicrous for most adults." Last Chapter "A preposterous but inoffensive chick-flick that will be re-run on Bravo for decades to come. At least it's not another Nicholas Sparks weeper." Sasquatch "Totally unoriginal, but kids won't know or care about that. As it is, it's acceptable entertainment for young tykes and at least never as eye-meltingly 'off' as Timmy 2." Edited January 11, 2018 by Xillix 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cookie Posted January 9, 2018 Share Posted January 9, 2018 I'll freely admit I wrote Timmy that way because I was bored. 1 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 (edited) The Human Revolution (Yes I'm reviewing it as-is, that's the risk you run posting unedited!) "A compelling story badly in need of streamlining, which can become exhausting with all the back-and-forth globetrotting and obvious video game level structure. It's very well-made - one nagging plot hole aside - and worth a watch for non-gamers, but the transition from the small screen to the big screen should have been handled with more care." Truth Is "Well-intentioned and, at least, an improvement over its grueling predecessor, Truth Is unfortunately remains a mess. The actual story has some interesting ideas and questions, but the execution is lacking. Though it's shorter and less convoluted than its predecessor it hardly feels like it, with crippling pacing issues making it a hard sit." Bionicle: Trials of the Toa "Everyone who complained about Jackson's Hobbit trilogy being an overlong slog is now faced with its polar opposite - a rushed, indecipherable mess of a toy commercial masquerading as a fantasy adventure. Instead of over-exploring the mythology of a literary classic, here Jackson does a speed-run through the puddle-deep lore of a LEGO set and somehow manages to make it all as off-puttingly incomprehensible as quantum physics. Trials of the Toa is the most shockingly incompetent fantasy blockbuster since The Last Airbender - a would-be epic with all the same problems, but moreso, and without the benefit of much unintentional comedy." The Twenty-One Balloons "Whimsically bizarre, The Twenty-One Balloons is an idealistic, upbeat adventure. A bit short on story substance, it's still got a good message and enough fun and visual flair to entertain families." @4815162342 The plot hole I'm referring to, specifically, is how early in the film we find the hacker was being remote-controlled through his augmentations and no one seems horribly surprised - yet by the climax the fact that this is supposed to be impossible and unprecedented is a major plot point. Edited January 10, 2018 by Xillix 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4815162342 Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 55 minutes ago, Xillix said: @4815162342 The plot hole I'm referring to, specifically, is how early in the film we find the hacker was being remote-controlled through his augmentations and no one seems horribly surprised - yet by the climax the fact that this is supposed to be impossible and unprecedented is a major plot point. Not sure that was the actual implication. I may have worded it poorly. More that the real hacker was able to see/hear/etc through the on site hacker and give direction. Also, regardless, I would argue there is an obvious difference of scale and difficulty between a one-to-one connection of someone letting themselves be guided and a mass produced mechanism of simultaneous, synchronized control of potentially millions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 7 minutes ago, 4815162342 said: Not sure that was the actual implication. I may have worded it poorly. More that the real hacker was able to see/hear/etc through the on site hacker and give direction. Also, regardless, I would argue there is an obvious difference of scale and difficulty between a one-to-one connection of someone letting themselves be guided and a mass produced mechanism of simultaneous, synchronized control of potentially millions. You used the term "body puppet" which to me pretty clearly implies he was remotely controlling him unwillingly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4815162342 Posted January 10, 2018 Share Posted January 10, 2018 1 minute ago, Xillix said: You used the term "body puppet" which to me pretty clearly implies he was remotely controlling him unwillingly. Bad term use then on my part. My bad. As to the streamlining, I certainly did streamline things compared to the game. I cut out one major secondary plot point and arc precisely because it added nothing but convolution. Also streamlined the final act a little. But I get the complaint for some. That's why I'm splitting the much larger plot of Pillars of Eternity into multiple films. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted January 10, 2018 Author Share Posted January 10, 2018 The Call of the Revenant "A B-movie through and through, despite its somewhat inexplicable $20 million budget. It's a fun occult slasher flick for genre fans but doesn't do anything to really stand out or court a wider audience." Illusiono "As if we needed more proof Shyamalan's considerable talents don't translate to hired-gun directing or big-budget spectacle, Illusiono comes along with its ridiculous story and loathsome execution to remind us. Its nonsensical plot, gaping holes, atrocious dialogue, and - especially - the completely left-field, totally unprompted sequel hook, however, could make it an ironic camp classic after it's done losing millions at the box office." Academy "What is it with horror flicks and obvious plagiarism lately? Academy is bitingly satirical and funny... to anyone who hasn't watched the FOX television series Scream Queens, which this movie brazenly copies, often scene-by-scene. In a bubble it'd be a good movie. But it's actually a literal crime." On the Beach "A well-made adaptation of the devastating classic. A hard watch, but an important one, that succeeds in updating the style to present the tale to modern audiences." Action Movie "The humor is juvenile and misses more often than it hits. Still, Action Movie is at least more than a collection of disjointed pop culture references - so it's better than most modern spoofs, as low a bar as that is." 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted January 11, 2018 Author Share Posted January 11, 2018 The Screwtape Letters "A sure lightning rod for controversy, The Screwtape Letters is seemingly a pro-Christian film in many ways - blatantly depicting other religions and even Catholicism and Mormonism as false - yet also posits a God who is both inexplicably weak and idiotic. We're told his love for all is genuine, yet he thinks nothing of letting two demons - who, for... some reason... ask his permission - destroy the life of a devout follower until he tries to kill himself. It's a confused and offensive mess." Gorillas "It's a pro-conservation wildlife documentary, which is a good thing to be, but it does nothing to set itself apart or give any new insights." Bounty Hunters from Heaven "Another blatantly disrespectful religiously-themed flick - this time aimed at Christianity - it's unfortunately not an intelligent satire. Instead, it uses its Christian trappings as a springboard for some decidedly puerile humor. It may be less offensive since it's an obvious joke - that's in the eye of the beholder - but it's still not very good." The 120 Days of Sodom "If the original has any creative or artistic merit - a topic still debated to this day - this completely pointless remake does not. Any message inferred by the prior version has already been delivered, and is not refined or updated here. How the film got an R rating and wide release are beyond me. The entire thing is a transparent ploy for attention in the 'any publicity is good publicity' vein." Our City "A sweet, fun family film that's a heartfelt ode to the power of creativity - without the tinge of commercialism from The LEGO Movie, but unfortunately, without that film's biting wit." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hiccup23 Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 Fuck......your laying into my films. I am racking up those one stars . Makes me very nervous for upcoming reviews. I feel like your a very mainstream moviegoer and not gonna like most of my films though. Also for Screwtape Letters, God is suppose to be weak and contradictory. The demons asking God is in direct reference to the Book of Job in the Bible so it makes sense and isn't out of place. Also trying to adopt The Screwtape Letters was a challenge since the book isn't really a narrative with a story. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted January 11, 2018 Author Share Posted January 11, 2018 (edited) 1 hour ago, Hiccup23 said: I feel like your a very mainstream moviegoer and not gonna like most of my films though. I like a lot of "non-mainstream" films - some of the movies I really liked recently were Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri, mother!, Free Fire, The Belko Experiment, and The Witch. Admittedly I hated It Comes at Night. And yes I'm aware of the Book of Job, but in Job, God asked Satan's opinion of Job in the first place (and Satan was still in heaven at the time). It wasn't just two random demons asking God to let them do horrible evil. Also Job was a really lucky/blessed guy, hence the experiment. The target in Screwtape has had an absolutely shit life. I know God is supposed to be weak and contradictory in the story, I wasn't criticizing it for being accidental. It plays into the larger criticism of the story seeming muddled and offending just about every religion. Edited January 11, 2018 by Xillix 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rorschach Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 Now I'm really bracing myself for The Odyssey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted January 11, 2018 Author Share Posted January 11, 2018 (edited) The Witch of Blackbird Pond "The wisdom of adapting a classic children's book into a PG-13 film is perhaps suspect, and there are structural issues with the writing that can make keeping track of who's who difficult. Still, the strength of the original story shines through and keeps the ship from totally sinking." Bounty Hamster "The plot is a bit of a mess, but there's enough manic energy and rapid-fire pop culture gags to keep almost anyone entertained." Life After Death "A nonsensical conspiracy-thriller that finds people who don't believe Heaven exists declaring they will destroy Heaven, and religious leaders the world over terrified at the use of a drug which, if they were faithful, they should expect to prove them right. Character motivations are dubious at best and self-contradictory at worst. The entire thing posits a world where the predominant terrorists are atheists and the most targeted group is Christians. It wants to be The Da Vicni Code but it's more like a blend of Left Behind, God's Not Dead, and Persecuted - a paranoid, incoherent religious right echo chamber." The Road to El Dorado "Like The Hunchback of Notre Dame, it's a fun, efficiently-made live-action revival of an animated favorite, which is perhaps unnecessary but still a good time on its own terms, and just different enough not to be a total waste of time. Those unfamiliar with the original are likely to be especially enchanted." Edited January 11, 2018 by Xillix 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted January 11, 2018 Author Share Posted January 11, 2018 32 minutes ago, Rorschach said: Now I'm really bracing myself for The Odyssey. It's not like I pan EVERYTHING Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rorschach Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 19 minutes ago, Xillix said: It's not like I pan EVERYTHING Like I said, I'm anxious and excited at the same time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YM! Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 20 minutes ago, Xillix said: It's not like I pan EVERYTHING TBH I thought you’d tore into Action Movie more than Toa. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cookie Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 (edited) Given how many films you've panned this year I was worried El Dorado would be next Good to hear you liked it (enough). Edited January 11, 2018 by cookie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hiccup23 Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 Ouch again. Well I can live with the 2.5 star rating for Witch of Blackbird Pond. Prediction: None of my films will get higher than a 3 star rating and I'll have the most one star and lower rating of any studio 🙃lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YM! Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 3 minutes ago, Hiccup23 said: Ouch again. Well I can live with the 2.5 star rating for Witch of Blackbird Pond. Prediction: None of my films will get higher than a 3 star rating and I'll have the most one star and lower rating of any studio 🙃lol Maybe not. Toa got shat on and Action Movie got a 2 star. If Crash, Spyro, Treasure Planet and Supersonic don’t work out you won’t be alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cookie Posted January 11, 2018 Share Posted January 11, 2018 Is Life After Death Brandrybook-level bad because I don't want the worst movie of the year to be on the same date twice in a row (and with a major tentpole of my own releasing at the same time). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted January 11, 2018 Author Share Posted January 11, 2018 6 minutes ago, Hiccup23 said: Prediction: None of my films will get higher than a 3 star rating and I'll have the most one star and lower rating of any studio 🙃lol Being partway thru June I can tell you you're wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
