Blanked Out Reviews, Y5

[Blankments]

not promising on finishing anything; very possible i don't bother reading certain lengthy films until the oscar noms are announced, but for now, lessgo

[Blankments]

January

 

One Last Time – it’s fine if you like Ariana Grande. I don’t though. 2/5

 

Hostel: Bloodline – a horror movie with no goddamn point and just various levels of disgusting nature. Ugh. 0.5/5

 

Wi-Fi Winnebago – I don’t know… it’s not particularly funny but I found it cute. There are certainly worse ways to spend your time, and this just felt pleasant! 3/5

 

The Study – Why did JGL go from directing Don Jon to this derivative sci-fi? Your answer is as good as mine! 1/5

[Ezen Baklattan]

Johnny, Johnny (Yes, Papa!) Making Movie? (No, Papa!) Telling Lies? (No, Papa!) Buy Tickets Now. (Ha Ha Ha!)

By the Balls

Wi-Fi Winnebago

 

The 'WTF is Jacob Tremblay doing?' Cinematic Universe

[YM!]

Just now, Spaghetti said:

Johnny, Johnny (Yes, Papa!) Making Movie? (No, Papa!) Telling Lies? (No, Papa!) Buy Tickets Now. (Ha Ha Ha!)

By the Balls

Wi-Fi Winnebago

 

The 'WTF is Jacob Tremblay doing?' Cinematic Universe

Fun fact: I almost went with Tremblay for CYI? but choose Armitage instead as I felt he was more in tune with Ethan.

[YM!]

3 minutes ago, Blankments said:

One Last Time – it’s fine if you like Ariana Grande. I don’t though. 2/5

Neither do I but money and scheduling needs talks

[Blankments]

6 minutes ago, Spaghetti said:

Johnny, Johnny (Yes, Papa!) Making Movie? (No, Papa!) Telling Lies? (No, Papa!) Buy Tickets Now. (Ha Ha Ha!)

By the Balls

Wi-Fi Winnebago

 

The 'WTF is Jacob Tremblay doing?' Cinematic Universe

By the Balls was first, i blame his agent thinking the movie would torch his career lol

[Blankments]

I Accidentally Skipped These January Movies Oops

 

Headline - needed more mindful pulpiness. Fine I guess. 2.5/5

 

Kaleidoscope - Jump Street but uncreative. Meh. 1.5/5

[Blankments]

The EssGeeKay Films I Need To Read So I Stop Feeling Like a Poser

 

Perfect Match - it's good! I like the first half a lot more than the second half; the slow-burn romantic thriller is more creative than the outright action movie it becomes. Still, it's fun and has a dope cast. 3.5/5
 

Scooby-Doo: Apocalypse - I dig the first half a ton, but when it gets into the lore, it distracts from the character dynamics that are awesome to see in this setting. I also wanted a ton more Scooby and it goes 0 to 100 really quickly. Still, a fun franchise starter. 3/5

[Blankments]

Holdovers

 

Bounty Hamster – I don’t get it. The central relationship kinda just comes full-formed, there’s no real development between Marion and Cassie, and the random humor lacks a real reasoning behind it, coming off as annoying. Ultimately it feels derivative and has minor elements of enjoyment. Also, I’m not a fan of this trend of random Lin-Manuel Miranda songs; he doesn’t have time for your bullshit. Hope I like the sequel more… 2/5

 

Call of Duty – Greengrass is a good fit for this. It works as a functional war movie blockbuster, but for me personally, I wasn’t really into it. Still, well-crafted. 3/5

 

He-Man – this would be helped a lot more with a solid dose of self-awareness. It’s a bit too serious for its own good, but it’s a solid fantasy epic, that smartly keeps the details to itself. Bautista’s Skeletor is easily the highlight. 3/5

 

He-Man II: The Revenge of Skeletor – It has a better structure than the first film and more creative setpieces. I’m still not a huge fan but this is a solid blockbuster. 3/5

 

The Scavenger Wars – Well… to get my one negative out of the way, I think the Duffers fit Spark infinitely better than this (no pun intended). I don’t really get the grit mixed with pure blockbuster thrills out of their work, compared to say maybe Patty Jenkins or Rian Johnson (directors I presume could’ve been considered for this). THAT SAID, that doesn’t affect my score for this at all. Cookie, this is my first encounter with your writing style, and I gotta say, it’s one-of-a-kind and truly great. The pacing works well despite how long the word-count is, and you’ve got a knack for writing great action sequences along with unique casting. This gets me hyped to read those Voltron films whenever I get around for it. The story is very good with the mythology taking its cue from other works while also feeling wholly unique. It’s a rollicking tale that never feels too jokey or too serious. Simply put, it’s the best blockbuster I’ve read in 3.0, besides maybe Homecoming and even then, I enjoyed the dialogue here much more. I can’t wait to read the sequel this year. 5/5

[Ezen Baklattan]

You'll definitely like the sequel more. Hopefully.

[YM!]

21 hours ago, Blankments said:

Bounty Hamster – I don’t get it

He swallows things.

[Ezen Baklattan]

1 minute ago, YourMother the Edgelord said:

He swallows things.

Spoiler

One thing that makes me happy CAYOM isn't real is that we never have to see the Rule 34 art of the things we make.

 

[Xillix]

47 minutes ago, Spaghetti said:

  Hide contents

One thing that makes me happy CAYOM isn't real is that we never have to see the Rule 34 art of the things we make.

 

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah totally

 

Puts away his blue crayons and half-sketched spacewolfman

[YM!]

7 minutes ago, Xillix said:

Yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah totally

 

Puts away his blue crayons and half-sketched spacewolfman

 

Slowly burns Pidge x Lance x Blue Beetle x Kuzco x Pacha lemon fanfic.

[cookie]

On 3/31/2019 at 4:44 AM, Blankments said:

The Scavenger Wars – Well… to get my one negative out of the way, I think the Duffers fit Spark infinitely better than this (no pun intended). I don’t really get the grit mixed with pure blockbuster thrills out of their work, compared to say maybe Patty Jenkins or Rian Johnson (directors I presume could’ve been considered for this). THAT SAID, that doesn’t affect my score for this at all. Cookie, this is my first encounter with your writing style, and I gotta say, it’s one-of-a-kind and truly great. The pacing works well despite how long the word-count is, and you’ve got a knack for writing great action sequences along with unique casting. This gets me hyped to read those Voltron films whenever I get around for it. The story is very good with the mythology taking its cue from other works while also feeling wholly unique. It’s a rollicking tale that never feels too jokey or too serious. Simply put, it’s the best blockbuster I’ve read in 3.0, besides maybe Homecoming and even then, I enjoyed the dialogue here much more. I can’t wait to read the sequel this year. 5/5

I hope they're a better fit for the sequel then given it's more of a mystery thriller heavy on character development and occasional scenes of horror. The RJ and Patty Jenkins suggestions are giving me ideas tho, I'll keep those in mind.

 

You're probably not going to see as much of the writing in the two Voltron movies as you did in TSW since they were earlier efforts from me (you'll probably see it in the second movie more than the first one). And assuming you read the revised version TSW and not the original script (which, for me at least, was a lot more awkward) you should very easily transition to Part II.

Edited April 1, 2019 by cookie

[Blankments]

3 hours ago, cookie said:

I hope they're a better fit for the sequel then given it's more of a mystery thriller heavy on character development and occasional scenes of horror. The RJ and Patty Jenkins suggestions are giving me ideas tho, I'll keep those in mind.

 

You're probably not going to see as much of the writing in the two Voltron movies as you did in TSW since they were earlier efforts from me (you'll probably see it in the second movie more than the first one). And assuming you read the revised version TSW and not the original script (which, for me at least, was a lot more awkward) you should very easily transition to Part II.

I read the revised version, no worries. That has me intrigued for TSW2, but I'm gonna read that one last of all the movies this year. You'll be in suspense for a bit.

 

And a little disappointing to hear about Voltron, but again, I'll get around to those whenever 3 comes out haha

[YM!]

@Blankments have you read the Poison and Wine series? You should read it.

[Blankments]

February

 

Next Vegas – Average, uncreative sci-fi thriller. No thanks. 1.5/5

 

Medusa – there are fun elements here and there, but it really doesn’t cohesively work, mainly due to a lack of focus and real sincerity. This is gonna sound like nitpicking, but making a joke about how a musical number just happened or randomly making your main character almost say bitch in an otherwise safe kids movie is both cliché and undercuts the tone required for a Disney-esque musical. There’s some cool animation here and there, but I wasn’t too into this. 2.5/5 (Side note: You have it listed as Mark Mancina as composer, Alan Menken and Tim Rice as songwriters, and the songs with credits to all three? This confused me because it makes me interpret “songwriter” as “lyricist” and Alan Menken is no lyricist. This didn’t mess with your grade obviously, but please be more clear next time.)

 

The Poet – solid enough crime drama, but honestly, the ending confused me. Maybe I’m stupid but it seemed a bit messy. 2/5

 

ByteRealm – This starts very fascinating and creative, but then devolves into a cyber-superhero movie. It’s well done all things considered despite its derivative nature, but I felt like the story could’ve gone somewhere much more fascinating and morally engaging. The third act is super fun though, and it’s a decent enough blockbuster regardless. I’d be down for a sequel should one arise. 3.5/5

 

The Mona Lisa – a well-made historical drama that I’ll admit I was little bored by. There isn’t much of a hook outside the painting scene, but this is decent if a bit generic. 3/5

[Blankments]

16 minutes ago, YourMother the Edgelord said:

@Blankments have you read the Poison and Wine series? You should read it.

i'll read it whenever the spinoff comes out

[Blankments]

March

Out of My Mind – A great step-forward in inclusion, but Jesus, this was depressing. Was hoping for some form of, well, hope at the end, but that never came. Still, this is well-made and a decent watch until the depressing finale. 3/5

 

The Epsilon Syndicate: Union of Thieves – let me clear, this is very well-made for it is, but also… it’s super derivative. I can’t say I didn’t enjoy it but it felt overlong at points while also having an unnecessary chapter structure (one of my pet peeves). I was confused at points too. Still, this is a fun enough franchise starter that gets me excited for more original and streamlined entries in the future. Action was dope, and the worldbuilding worked for me. Feels like a decent beginning to a series that could become great. 3.5/5

 

Artifacts: Zephyr’s Crest – a fun blockbuster that falls apart the moment you start thinking about the plot. Somewhat repetitive, but it coasts by on the main three’s chemistry and some unique setpieces. Cast is overly stacked for the type of movie it is though, but that’s not gonna affect the grade. 3/5

 

Okay, but sorry, here’s a rant. I’ve never been as confused by a cameo than Taron Egerton’s in this, for a variety of reasons:

1. The role is larger than Kumi, which is a credited named role. I don’t understand what makes this a cameo and that a full-fledged supporting role.
2. The role is so small and forgettable that casting a name actor makes zero sense.
3. The role, if casting someone famous, should clearly go to someone older rather than young Taron Egerton. When I think of cabbie, I think Nick Frost or the creepy guy from the Sherlock pilot, not Elton John.
4. If you were going with a generic young white boy, why didn’t you go with Ansel Elgort? At least that cameo would make sense!!!

Also it’s not possible for volcanos in the Himalayas to, well, exist.

 

Crusader – It’s a pretty cool movie. It’s not entirely something I’m into, but it’s executed well and with the right amount of drama. A solid period adventure. 3.5/5