Crunching the Numbers: Year 6

[4815162342]

And we're up.

 

No requests this year. Instead I will be doing two things. First, all sequels will be reviewed.

 

After that, I will review a random movie from each month. The movie could be a filler, it could be Oscarbait, the RNG will decide.

 

So, first on the docket for this review thread will be:

 

Spark: A Hero's Promise 

Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Current Hollywood Landscape

Home Invasion Part II: Abduction

He-Man IV: The Sons of the Serpent

God of War: Kingdom Come

Hoops 2

3:38 AM

Live2ream 

Baseball Boy: The Base Thief

LucIId

Edited September 24, 2019 by 4815162342

[4815162342]

The Results of the Random Monthly Draw:

 

Espionage Project

Thomas Was Alone

Irreplaceable

Super Mario Bros.

Lumberjanes

Forgiveness

Yolanda Dreams of Yogurt

Schadenfreude

All-Nighter

Shiverin' Gulch

Understand

Jingle Hell

 

 

These will be reviewed after the sequels

[4815162342]

The theme music for what will come in not too long a time

 

Spoiler

 

 

[4815162342]

SPARK: A HERO'S PROMISE

 

Spoiler

 

The Spark franchise has been one of the initial pillars of our movie universe. From a sprightly, far more competent remake of Jupiter Ascending, to the reshoot drama of Homeward, to the scale escalation of Beyond the Sky, each film has left it's stamp on the cinema world. Which brings us to A Hero's Promise, the mammoth production that brings everything to a head. This reviewer had noted one fair sized quibble about Beyond the Sky, in that the film had heavily escalated from an investigation flick to the apocalypse in the blink of an eye. And after seeing AHP, this reviewer is now convinced of one thing:

 

This is a trilogy masquerading as a set of twins. The rapid escalation in stakes in the first movie, followed by the veritable smorgasbord of plots and subplots in this one, really lends credence to a decision made early on to cut out a fifth film and resolve this in four. The result is that everywhere you look in the movie, someone has a subplot going on and more often than not, it feels more perfunctory than engaging. As great as David Tennant is at mugging for the camera, his entire character feels superfluous and unnecessary. Dhagom could be cut from the movie and nothing would be lost. In many ways, the entire plot angle of Altren being just as vicious and merciless as the Soltarans is the biggest victim of the smushing of the movies. What perhaps could have been developed over say two movies, instead takes up a sizable chunk of this one and results in a half-baked final boss because the film never fully commits to a Soltaran antagonist to truly supplant Xevarre. Dheamus isn't in the film enough to make much of an impression other than Kyle Maclachlan chewing scenery. Which is fun, but once Xevarre does her face turn, the Soltarans feel fairly faceless. This also doesn't include going into subplots that kinda just peter out, like Kozar's beef. 

 

To put a close to the negatives, the way Everett is handled in the movie kinda retroactively lessens Homeward, as it makes Robo-Dad even more of a wasted opportunity and Nu-Venchell less compelling. It feels like Everett's inclusion is meant to be a retcon to address some negative reactions to parts of Homeward. And because of the nature of this film cramming so much in, he doesn't really get much of a story for himself, just a bunch of exposition and flashbacks before he goes into noble sacrificial atonement mode. Again, this might have been something developed more in a trilogy, but is a victim of time in a single back half. Same with Naryani, who goes from broken big bad villain into super-duper heroine leader very quickly. We get exposition about her connections with Everett, but we barely get much time for them to interact, let alone have really seen it. We get told rather than shown.

 

 

Okay, at this point @Spaghetti is probably clutching Garrus the Cat in anxiety, so let's move to the good stuff, because there is plenty of good stuff. The Alex-Xevarre dynamic, as engaging as it was in Beyond the Sky, is downright stellar in this film. At points it gets close to hinting at underlying romantic or sexual tension between the two (something the CAYOMverse fanficcers have defintely run with already), but at it's core it is about a troubled, lost, confused, conflicted woman with immense power and immense responsibility holding the fate of the universe in her hands, and being inspired by the hope and heart of our hero. Captain Planet does win in the end, as Kozar would say. It goes without saying that the technical aspects of the movie are superb, creating oodles of dynamic and lively visual environments for the eyes to feast upon. And as overstuffed as the film can be, when it gets down to its sci-fi action brass tacks, especially in the immense third act showdown, it displays a masterclass of cross-cutting and tension-building as the heroes advance, face setbacks, overcome, take a blow, and so on until it all comes to an emotional head. Tarek of course is a master douchebag ass-nozzle extraordinaire and he slithers through the film with a love to hate vibe. The Perthena/Neshianu subplot is definitely the best of the various secondary character arcs in the movie, and their growth individually and together feels earned. Lastly, the scene with Alex and Xevarre inside the Oscillator is probably the best, most touching moment of the entire franchise, and feels more than earned based on the care and growth experienced by the two.

 

 

In sum, this remains an exciting and enjoyable movie, but it has a lot of stuffing to it and you come out feeling a bit like you ate too much on Thanksgiving. Delicious in the moment, but you're getting hit with some bloat and tiredness at the close. This either needed to be a leaner single turkey, or split into two turkeys. It's what keeps this movie atuck in the realm of good, fun, engaging, but with notable flaws.

 

Spoiler

Like Jupiter Ascending. 

 

 

 

Spoiler

No grades will be posted for any films until the Top 25 is done.

 

[YM!]

9 minutes ago, 4815162342 said:

No grades will be posted for any films until the Top 25 is done.

This makes me sad.

[4815162342]

Just now, YourMother the Edgelord said:

This makes me sad.

 

I don't want to tip my hand more than necessary for the Top 25

[4815162342]

Sp4rk gets tonight to itself. More reviews will start tomorrow evening.

[Ezen Baklattan]

Very interesting review.

 

I get the feeling that the "should have been a trilogy" criticism is going to be a common theme throughout many reviews, and I definitely feel that. The length certainly ain't the only part of it. I should have either cut out a lot of the newer characters or let the old ones grow a bit.

 

But this review is also interesting in that it seems like the biggest criticisms you've had about the Spark saga but also some of the highest points of it. I think I definitely might have overplayed my hand a bit with this one.

 

To clarify my post in another thread, I would he interested in some point turning the series into a novel series, but it would have to be shaken up a good bit structurally. The plot points feel right, but they ultimately needed more time to breathe and develop, which is a completely fair criticism.

 

Welp, this is why I'm going above and beyond to map out a clearer plan for the Epsilon saga.

[cookie]

Interesting that Numbers and I came to similar conclusions 🤔

Edited September 25, 2019 by cookie

[4815162342]

Tonight it will be

 

Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Current Hollywood Landscape

Home Invasion Part II: Abduction

He-Man IV: The Sons of the Serpent

God of War: Kingdom Come

[YM!]

14 minutes ago, 4815162342 said:

Tonight it will be

 

Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Current Hollywood Landscape

Home Invasion Part II: Abduction

He-Man IV: The Sons of the Serpent

God of War: Kingdom Come

Okay 2 of these are shit due to lack of care

[4815162342]

Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson vs. the Current Hollywood Landscape

 

 

Spoiler

 

The Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson movies were a staple for a good portion of 2.0. This is the 3.0 attempt to recapture that lightning in a bottle, Which of course begs the question: Does It?

 

Yes....and no. The film tries very much to be a meta commentary on the rebooting of the CAYOMverse with references to the 2.0 lore, which makes it a bit incomprehensible and exposition heavy to the uninitiated. The film probably would have been better off with minor amounts of the multiverse and focused more clearly on what it initially seemed to be about: Cancel culture, Director Jail, and Studio hijacking of movies. All of them potential fertile ground for action parody, but they're given mostly lip service so the film can burrow into itself. Hell, they could have had a whole movie of material about the craziness of giant space opera blockbusters being handed to novices while established action heroes toil in near-obscurity. There was a lot of stuff to explore that was not.

 

The action is fun and goofy, with over-the-top setpieces played to good absurdist effect. Jamie Foxx is outlandishly devilish and Willem Dafoe in drag makes for some laugh out loud moments. The main four play into their stereotypes a bit and are suitably in on the joke to give it a good go. When the film lets go of its attempt to build mythology and just lets the main four get into silly explosive hijinks it is very enjoyable. And the sequel hook indicates that they're going to dive even deeper into the meta lore, which gets me a little anxious. Hopefully it is a bit more balanced that time around.

 

 

Spoiler

No "Choo Choo, Motherfucker!"? That is a goddamned shame Blanks.

 

 

[4815162342]

Home Invasion Part II: Abduction

 

A Jason Statham B-Movie that has a slightly higher budget and a slightly more rote and cardboard screenplay. Statham mugging for the camera while plowing his way through fairly cheap looking aliens is fun enough as a timewaster one time, but the unsubtle and paper thin script make it not worth a second viewing.

[4815162342]

He-Man IV: The Sons of the Serpent

 

It's a He-Man movie, so it is more of the same, which means a movie where the movie is actually about Skeletor and not about He-Man. As odd as it is for the movie's hero and titular character to be so absent from his own franchise, the film series is almost delightful in how it follows Skeletor again and again and again trying different ways to take over the universe, sending his minions on RPG fetch quests to get the MacGuffins of power, and then petulantly taunting and threatening them when things don't go his way. I would kinda be interested in seeing a full on parody that is just Skeletor and his minions flailing around and failing Wile E. Coyote style. In any case, the action is over the top and the acting is corny and the writing is thin, but it delivers what is promised. Goofy dumb action fun, that may be reaching the end of its rope though.

 

Spoiler

I have heard through the studio grapevine that a fifth film is going to be made. Considering this movie essentially ends with all loose ends tied up and a happy ending, maybe the studio should quit while it is ahead.

 

[4815162342]

God of War: Kingdom Come

 

I was warned by the studio going in that this was not going to be a particularly strong outing and they were right. God of War: Kingdom Come suffers from the same flaws as the first Call of Duty movie in particular: non-stop action linked by minor plot chains with very little character development, which in a major studio outing can become a lot of sturm and drang overwhelming and exhausting the audience. There's quite a few notable and exhilarating setpieces, but everything outside of them just falls flat and trudges along. In a way it makes sense, as the third game was by far the least plot-centered of them all and acts as an extended revenge fantasy of sorts.

 

 

Here is hoping that the studio sits, lets the franchise rest for a while, and then takes its time to make something special out of the Viking installment.

[4815162342]

Tomorrow:

 

Hoops 2

3:38 AM

Live2ream 

Baseball Boy: The Base Thief

LucIId

[Blankments]

FUCK I SHOULDVE HAD HIM GO CHOO CHOO

[4815162342]

Hoops 2

 

Giannis literally towers over the rest of the movie in this pleasant but unremarkable sport drama.

 

 

3:38 AM

 

Written while awake at 3:38 A.M.

 

 

Baseball Boy: The Base Thief

 

It's complete nonsense that is just an excuse for the actors to chill out and get high in-between voice recordings. It's engaging enough, but you'll either forget it within an hour or you'll have found a new summer light-up cult movie.

 

 

LucIId

 

Spoiler

The toilet in this stall has a mouth with teeth, and thus looks quite like a demonic toilet of nightmare. David pulls out the banana gun he still has in his pocket, and shoots one of the teeth clear off. Suddenly, the toilet yawns, and David screams in terror. The toilet says David’s name, and David realizes the toilet is Mark. Mark asks what he is, and David, failing to hide a smile, says that Mark is a toilet. Mark sighs at this, but then tells David what the unfortunate trigger must be; David has to use the bathroom on Mark. David refuses to do so, but Mark says he has to within a minute, or else he’ll fall into the coma. David sighs, and awkwardly sits on Mark’s mouth. 

 

And oh boy does it go from there. You know how I said that Baseball Boy Deux was complete nonsense? Well kids, I was wrong.

[Ezen Baklattan]

When are you gonna live to ream?

[4815162342]

Live2ream

 

Spoiler

but ended up breaking up with Ethan due to their different paths

 

AKA they didn't have the budget to keep the actor around.

 

Spoiler

Gwendolyn sneaks out to a secret art auction in the city, revealing that she has somehow acquired various priceless works of art.

 

Wait if this is The Goldfinch then were is Ansolo?

 

Spoiler

If Roxanne tries to call or notify the police, her friend dies.

 

Standard villain plan, got it.

 

Spoiler

Roxanne rushes through the city, terrified that the news of her quest have gone viral on Instagram, her face showing up on Time Square signage. Roxanne rushes to get past reporters and onlookers who notice her

 

Wait...so I guess the police are already notified then. Huh, well, time to let the professionals handle this.

 

Spoiler

They have some downtime, so they bond a bit at his apartment,

 

So I guess rescuing Aunt Gwen is not so big a priority. Maybe Roxanne has figured if Gwen dies she inherits all the priceless art.

 

Spoiler

Suddenly, we find out that Roxanne had been ambushed at Calvin’s apartment, as several armed guards try to break in. The two break out through a fire escape, Roxanne having always wanted to try one. She is however followed into the subways and forced to change over across several trains and cars, carrying Calvin close behind in an intense sequence.

 

Off-Screen parkour lessons, ok.

 

Spoiler

Roxanne tries to shush him, introducing herself as….Calvina. “The fuck kind of name is that?” Farrell asks. Farrell eventually collapses, apparently drunk off his ass.

 

This brief interaction goes to a few different places, namely that it had no idea where to end up so they abruptly stopped.

 

Spoiler

Roxanne’s identity slowly becomes more and more revealed as the night progresses, and many attendees talk about her.

 

 

Well I think her face being plastered on the Times Square videoscreens with all the knowledge of her friend kidnapped and about to die might do that.  

 

Spoiler

Gwendolyn was a secretive art saleswoman and was notorious for stealing many of the pieces that she ends up selling.

 

So Goldfinch plus an Ocean's movie.

 

Spoiler

Extended sequence of exposition where it is revealed that everything was a lie, no one was in danger, and it was all performance art meant to direct money into the hands of influencers.

 

Did no person on Internet Social Media Ever.

 

Spoiler

Roxanne and Calvin rush to a cop car where they try to expose the Weavers Legion but also rescue Gwendolyn. The police, however, believe that Roxanne had killed Gwendolyn, given a seemingly tampered post on her Instagram page.

 

But if this was being Live2reamed, then people would know that Roxanne did nothing wrong. Also, go back to the GIANT TIMES SQUARE VIDEO WHERE ROXANNE IS TOLD SHE HAS TO SAVE GWEN

 

Spoiler

but Gwendolyn is furious with her daughter. She was supposed to just play along and help her art business grow. She’s such an ungrateful niece.

 

 

 

Spoiler

Roxanne is offered to attend the next conference of….Seattle Scales and Tails.