The Identical (2014)

[K1stpierre]

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[Blankments]

As I entered the theater, I saw posters of other movies playing. I could rewatch Guardians of the Galaxy! Or Boyhood! Heck, even The Giver could've been decent. But no, I was entering to do what most people on this site found impossible... I was going to watch THE IDENTICAL.

 

BOX OFFICE FORUMS PRESENT

 

A BLANKMENTS PRODUCTION

 

A RECAP BY BLANKMENTS

 

BLANKMENTS WATCHES THE IDENTICAL

 

I settled into my seat without any popcorn. The movie was about to begin. Naturally I turned off my phone as common courtesy... despite the fact there was absolutely no one else in the theater. Oh well. The trailers began, and they added a bit of amusement in the sense that they really didn't know what to show with this kind of movie. Spare Parts, an independent dramatic movie starring George Lopez. The Good Lie with Peter Russo, not Frank Underwood. Into the Woods STARRING JAMES CORDEN A REAL CELEBRITY EVERYONE. Left Behind, starring Academy Award Winning Nicolas Cage. Finally, The Second Best Marigold Hotel. But I digress, you guys do not want a recap of the trailers. You want one of the movie. I'll try my hardest to give you one.

 

The movie opens with narration of some old southern lady who I'm pretty sure is never credited (now on known as Narrator). We see an Elvis lookalike drive through a cornfield as the women narrates about how she has a fascinating story to tell about this man and the day of his birth. Very dull until suddenly...

 

THE MOVIE SHIFTS TO BLACK AND WHITE. Cool, a nice stylistic choice if they had actually, you know, bothered to shoot for black and white. Instead it's painfully obvious that the filmmakers were originally thinking to shoot the whole movie in color, but then decided to get "artsy" in the editing room. Anyway, it's the Depression and people are well, depressed. We follow a man who looks a lot like Benedict Cumberbatch who works for hire... I can't remember what for. I think he was a lumberjack though. Narrator explains this all instead of having to, you know, actually make a movie with characters. Anyway, Cumberbatch comes home, and his wife (I'll just call her Cumberbitch) is holding two adorable babies. Cumberbatch snaps his fingers in sadness. Goshtooting, he missed his babies being born! Wait... babies??? He only wanted one kid, damnit!

 

He walks around in a stupor without knowing what to do. They're poor. How can they possibly take care of two kids with him not even having a real job? He stumbles into a (if you haven't guessed it from the "Faith-based" story aspect) church revival, and discovers the answer to his problems...

 

RAY

 

MOTHERFUCKING

 

LIOTTA

 

I put it in all caps because the film introduces Ray Liotta in a glorious way. Narrator says "Little did Cumberbatch know his life was about to change forever." And then the movie jump-cuts to Ray Liotta SCREAMING, yelling, "JEWS AND GENTILES! RICH AND POOR! BLACKS AND WHITES!" He's practically having a heart attack on stage, chewing up the delicious scenery. This odd church revival ends with him randomly screaming at the audience that "THE LORD DOES NOT ALLOW US TO GET EVERYTHING WE WANT!!! Just look at my wife." We then see he's married to Ashley Judd, who is apparently famous, but she's before my time entirely. "The Lord taketh away her not barrenness and have left her barren." Ray Liotta breaks down crying into Ashley Judd's lap. "WHY?? OH WHY DO WE NOT HAVE CHILDREN?" Cumberbatch watches on until suddenly...

 

 

Cumberbatch brings it up to Cumberbitch and Cumberbitch is like "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" and then she tries to act sad, but since everyone in this movie is mediocre at acting besides Liotta, Judd, Seth Green, and Joe Pantoliano, it's completely unbelievable. Anyway, near, far, no matter how sad the acting is, the movie must go on, and they decide to give one of their babies to Liotta and Judd. Ray Liotta tells them they can't accept this, because "I BE A MAN OF GOD, AND GOD DOES NOT APPROVE BABY STEALING." Okay, that one wasn't an actual line, but it was the gist of what was happening.

 

Wait a sec. I forgot to mention the babies' names. Well, despite the fact they're the main characters of the movie, their names are completely forgettable, so naturally, I'll be calling them by different names. The baby Cumberbatch and Cumberbitch keep is Not-Elvis (because he's super similar to Elvis), and Not-Drexel (because Not-Elvis's real name is Drexel for some reason) which goes to Ray Liotta. Anyway, after receiving a note only to be opened after both Cumberbatch and Cumberbitch die, Ray Liotta and Ashley Judd ride off into the sunset with Not-Drexel and right before the movie switches to color, Ray Liotta dramatically baptizes Not-Drexel and screams to the heavens "THANK YOU GOD FOR GIVING ME A SON WHO CAN BE JUST LIKE ME IN A SUPER TELEGRAPHED CHARACTER ARC!!!!"

 

Time passes by and Narrator narrates the move to Tennessee and how Not-Drexel grew the ripe age 6. Now Ray Liotta and Ashley Judd live with their son Not-Drexel as Ray Liotta is the most popular preacher around. Thus, Ray Liotta has a lot riding on Not-Drexel living up to his dream. One day, Not-Drexel stresses over forgetting his Bible verse in front of everyone, but it's okay, because he has raw musical talent! He sings the verse as Ray Liotta deathglares at him but everyone applauds. Ray Liotta still does not approve though.

 

Time passes by again and now Not-Drexel is in high school and best friends with Seth Green. Now I feel like pointing something out. These people are supposed to 19 at the oldest. Seth Green is 40-years-old. But that's okay, surely they got someone more age appropriate for Not-Drexel - what? The actor's 41?? WHAT. WHY. Anyway, Not-Drexel is doing pretty good for himself, except that he's a preacher's boy. He and Seth Green go visit a "honky-tonk roadhouse" often where Seth Green drinks beer and smokes while Not-Drexel always orders a Dr. Pepper (It's Not For Women!). Not-Drexel hears some new music here... and it's beautiful!! Not-Drexel wants to make this type of music, and he'll stop at nothing to do so!

 

Until of course, he arrives home past curfew and is chewed out by Ray Liotta. After all, he smells like smoke and booze, and even though Not-Drexel insists it wasn't him, Ray Liotta won't have it. He is banned from the honky-tonk roadhouse! Oh no! Ray Liotta tells Not-Drexel it's for his own good since after all, Not-Drexel is gonna become a preacher one day!

 

Now here's where I'll interrupt my description for a bit of commentary. This is a Christian film, designed so that way people who see the movie will want to come to the faith. I myself am Christian, and after seeing this movie, I think it would drive people away from Christianity. If I can explain, Not-Drexel and Not-Elvis, if you haven't guessed yet, are not going to become equally famous. Indeed, thanks to Ray Liotta, Not-Drexel is denied plenty of opportunities to cultivate his natural musical talent, whereas Not-Elvis... well, we presume he got plenty of opportunities because he has two actual lines throughout the whole movie, not counting his singing. Basically, it says that if you're a preacher's son, you're gonna be held back from opportunities to make it big in the world. Such a great message for the religion.

 

Anyway, back to the story. Not-Drexel and Seth Green don't go back to the honky-tonk roadhouse for a while. Instead, Not-Drexel writes songs and plays the piano while Seth Green plays the drums on the songs. They miraculously sound similar to early Elvis songs, but yet aren't. Hmm. Eventually, Seth Green and Not-Drexel get double dates. Seth Green decides to surprise them by stealing his father's car because he'll never notice, even though he screams at Seth Green as he leaves the house. *shrug* They take their dates to the honky-tonk roadhouse, and Seth Green is a true romantic, handing off his cigarette to his date so he has a hand available to take a swig of beer... while dancing! Meanwhile, Not-Drexel has discovered he is dancing with the girl of his dreams: the one, the only, Narrator! What a coincidence! Seth Green, drunk, runs on stage and screams:

 

 

Oh wait. No, he doesn't. Instead he pays off the actual singer and yells at Not-Drexel to come up and sing with him! Time to debut a song and awkwardly stop the movie for some very poor Elvis-lite music! Yay! At least we have Narrator narrating, saying that day was the real day Rock and Roll was invented, despite what else we may have heard. How cute. Narrator and Not-Drexel truly love each other. Unfortunately, it's not to last as halfway through the song (with Not-Drexel dancing some radical moves AKA Elvis dance moves), the cops show up; Seth Green is under arrest for Grand Theft Auto! Naturally, the cop has to make some racist comments because DRAMA and when Not-Drexel stands up for the innocent African-Americans in the building, he gets slapped in the face and arrested for... well, backtalking a police officer? Oh wait, it's because he's in a bar underaged. Still, whatever.

 

Ray Liotta is not happy, Bob. Not. Happy. Ray Liotta makes Not-Drexel apologize, to the cop, to the church, and finally, to the army. THAT'S RIGHT, NOT-DREXEL IS GOING TO THE ARMY. Not-Drexel soon becomes popular in the army, because he sings and cultivates his talent, probably getting in the 10,000 hours of hard practice needed to become an expert (Curse you, Malcolm Gladwell homework!!!). Even the generals love him, and ask him to sing for them his totally original, not sounding like Elvis at all, songs. Eventually (as in within two minutes of screentime) the two years have passed thanks to Narrator narrating. In a very awkward flashforward, we see that Ray Liotta decided to enroll Not-Drexel in where he went to Bible College. Yay!

 

Not-Drexel wants to please his dad, so he attends Bible College and studies hard. It must be easy to become a preacher though, since the only lecture we see is a professor going on about how Jonah went inside a whale; not a dolphin or an octopus, but a WHALE. Clearly difficult stuff. However, within the first week of Bible College, Ashley Judd pulls aside Ray Liotta for an important meeting. She pulls out a record and plays some horrendous rock music, since Jesus hates rock music totally. Ray Liotta plugs his ears and asks her what that is. She shows the album cover: NOT-ELVIS HAS BECOME FAMOUS. Even more importantly, he's being portrayed by the same actor as Not-Drexel! Ray Liotta swears that he will keep this music from Not-Drexel if it's the last thing he does!

 

TEN SECONDS LATER

 

We see Not-Drexel listening to some Not-Elvis music. He really likes it, saying he knows what this guy is like. I didn't mention it, because it kinda just came up in this one scene, but Not-Drexel is living with Ray Liotta and Ashley Judd right now. Yay! Anyway, Not-Drexel buys the album and puts it on loop while he studies for Bible College, something he seems to be getting more and more bored with. One day, he almost brings it up with his dad while working on the car, but Ray Liotta is too busy being confused by cars. Not-Drexel fixes the car easily... but he needs a new part. He goes to a local auto shop and asks for a part to be ordered, and the owner of the shop is played by Joe Pantoliano, but he looks like a cross of Theodore Twombly and Hans Landa. HANS TWOMBLY! Hans Twombly is a major Not-Elvis fan, which catches Not-Drexel's eye. He thought he was the only hetrosexual male who loved Not-Elvis! Hans Twombly is impressed by Not-Drexel's ability to fix cars... even though he doesn't know how to fix cars... but whatever. Hans Twombly offers Not-Drexel a job, but Not-Drexel can't take it because he has no time for Bible School and his other job. What's his other job? UPS Delivery Man!

 

 

Damn. Anyway, he turns down Hans Twombly's job offer, and immediately goes to his job. He has to deliver... something... I can't remember, but to a local hospital. Guess who is the nurse manning the desk? That's right, Narrator! Oh, and this random other woman who hits on Not-Drexel the whole time just because he looks exactly like Not-Elvis. Unfortunately, it's still the early 60s so interracial marriage still isn't considered okay And unfortunately also, Narrator's in a relationship, so Not-Drexel is cockblocked! Fortunately though, the random other woman decides to let it slip that Not-Elvis's mom is dying upstairs, and Not-Drexel, being a huge fan, decides to sneak upstairs and go thank Cumberbitch for the music she's given the world. Oh the dramatic irony! Even though absolutely nothing comes of it!

 

Cumberbitch dies the next day, happy that she believed that she saw her son one last time. After seeing the news in the paper, Not-Drexel decides to take charge of his life. He tells Ashley Judd he doesn't feel the call for preaching, and Ashley Judd smiles wisely and says some gibberish about how Not-Drexel needs to go on his own pathway in life, but he's the one who is going to have to tell Ray Liotta. Not-Drexel is scared of Ray Liotta's scenery chewing, but he goes to tell his father the next day. Ray Liotta tries to convince Not-Drexel to think on it longer, but Not-Drexel says he's already withdrawn from school. Ray Liotta attempts to break down crying, but some reason, fails at this acting. So basically the whole scene Ray Liotta just blinks to an obnoxious level. "You're breaking my heart, boy," he screams at Not-Drexel, and kicks him out of the house.

 

Suddenly needing a way to support himself, he goes and gets that job with Hans Twombly. However, in the immediate next scene, he slacks on the job with Twombly encouraging him, as Not-Drexel moans about how Narrator isn't interested in him. Hans Twombly encourages him to serenade Narrator, and then she'll be interested in a date. Not-Drexel goes and does this with Hans Twombly as back-up on guitar. Narrator is quickly smitten and one line of narration later and they're married!

 

Time goes by through a montage set to one of Not-Elvis's songs and we see the two enter the late 60s happily together, and Not-Drexel quickly grows some long hippie hair as the two of them go to the drive-in to watch Not-Elvis's "Surfin' Fun" which is totally not Blue Hawaii like at all. Yeah. Then we sadly learn that Not-Drexel and Narrator can never have a baby I hope that isn't foreshadowing anything... The montage is quickly interrupted by news of the Six-Day War. Ray Liotta screams at his congregation that the Jews are God's chosen people and that Israel must win the war. He has put up a Hannukah menorah in the church to show his support too! One line of narration tells us that Israel did win!! Yay!! ... and then the movie moves right on, completely ignoring that scene.

 

Anyway, a local radio station is holding a "Sing Like Not-Elvis" contest and naturally, Narrator forces Not-Drexel to join and sing in it. After running into Seth Green who's drumming for the contest, he easily wins and quickly rises through the ranks, winning multiple Not-Elvis impersonator contests. Eventually, he goes to the national championship, which Ray Liotta is dragged to kicking and screaming, "THIS PLACE IS SO SINFUL." Seth Green (attending with Ashley Judd, Narrator, Ray Liotta, and Hans Twombly to support Not-Drexel) orders a bourbon and Ray Liotta freaks out. And by that I mean, he reenacts this

 

 

Seth Green instead orders a Shirley Temple. Anyway, while the other acts are performing (Not-Drexel's last name is Wade, so he's last on the docket), someone enters... a surprise judge... HOLY SHIT IT'S NOT-ELVIS!! Of course, no one freaks out except for Ray Liotta who immediately looks away melodramatically. Not-Elvis doesn't applaud for anyone... until Not-Drexel performs. His Not-Elvis impersonation is amazing, and everyone loves it. Not-Elvis applauds and says that's the winner as he leaves dramatically. Everyone is proud of Not-Drexel except for Ray Liotta, but hey, when you got the choice between your adoptive father's approval or a $25,000 oversized check, I think most would go with the latter.

 

Anyway, so suddenly after the show, a random shady looking guy who looks like a cross between Jim Carrey and Guy Pearce appears (hereafter referred to as Jim Pearce) and offers Not-Drexel... a pretty good deal. Jim Pearce will put him on tour to state fairs where he'll perform and make big money as "The Identical," the first ever Not-Elvis impersonator. Jim Pearce takes 15%, and Not-Drexel can split up the rest of the money his own way. Narrator tells him to take the job, and he does, taking Seth Green and Hans Twombly along with him as his band.

 

A montage of state fairs occur where some true hilarity occurs, mainly their bus traveling. They all share one couch and stay up late, playing Poker and drinking... Dr. Pepper (It's Not For Women!). Definitely living the band lifestyle. As the tours go on, the Identical becomes more and more popular; always playing to sold-out crowds at the fairs. They're making a lot of money, a lot more money than anyone who makes a living out of impersonating a live musician should be. Not-Drexel always sends his share back home to Narrator, who promptly buys a big expensive house. Kinda a waste of money seeing how THEY CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN.

 

However, Not-Drexel is getting tired. He plays the exact same show every week, and he wants to mix it up. One day, he's caught using rehearsal time playing his music by Jim Pearce. Jim Pearce blows up at him, saying his job is to impersonate Not-Elvis, not be his own artist. No one will want to listen to his music. Not-Drexel asks Jim Pearce to give it a chance, but Jim Pearce won't take this insubordination. And then Jim Pearce says probably the biggest "WTF" line of the whole movie.

 

"There's only one Beatles, there's only one Elvis, and there's only one Drexel Hemsley, and it's not you!"

 

HOLD ON A SECOND.

 

Elvis exists in this universe.

 

Even though all of Not-Elvis's (Drexel Hemsley) songs sound like direct ripoffs of Elvis music.

 

WHAT?

 

HOW DOES THIS WORK? HOW DID NOT-ELVIS MAKE IT BIG IF ACTUAL ELVIS WAS AROUND? All the cheap knockoff music in this movie sucks, but I understood why they had it; no way was the Presley estate gonna approve of an actual speculative fiction movie instead of a normal biopic. BUT IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY ZERO SENSE THAT NOT-ELVIS COULD MAKE IT BIG IN A UNIVERSE WHERE REAL ELVIS EXISTS.

 

Seriously, after Jim Pearce's line, I couldn't stop laughing for five minutes for the sheer inanity of it all.

 

Anyway, Not-Drexel quits after this, and Jim Pearce's response is just

 

 

But regardless, Not-Drexel knows he can make it as his own artist. So he, along with Hans Twombly and Seth Green, record a demo of a really mediocre song called City Lights and send it to a bunch of record studios. He gets a call from Not-Elvis's label! This is his big break! Oh, wait. No it's not. They just want to buy the song for $50 million and have Not-Elvis record it. In classic rock-n-roll movie way, Not-Drexel storms out in anger, saying it's not about the money. The very next day, Narrator tells us, would change everyone's life.

 

Not-Elvis is on a plane sipping whiskey. He randomly flashes back to looking at Not-Drexel's fake grave, and says his second line in the movie, "If it were only you, instead of me." Back on the plane, sudden turbulence! Cut to Hans Twombly's Auto Shop, where Hans and Seth are giving Not-Drexel a pep talk for his music career, but Not-Drexel is paying attention to the news behind. The Not-King has left the church building. Not-Drexel faints in a way that implies long-term medical issues! But luckily, it's not once brought up again in the movie!

 

Three months pass by within a line of narration, and Narrator tells us that Not-Drexel is way too depressed at the death of Not-Elvis. Luckily for those interested watching, Not-Drexel has grown a super sexy depression beard. He looks like Henry Cavill now!

 

 

Yep. Anyway, they go to a family dinner at Ray Liotta's place, and Ray Liotta announces his retirement from being a preacher. He's lived a long, happy life... UNLIKE NOT-DREXEL! Ray Liotta blows up at Not-Drexel for letting himself go over some guy he never met (even though Ray Liotta is well aware that Not-Elvis is actually Not-Drexel's brother... but it's not he wasn't insensitive before). Finally, Not-Drexel blows up at Ray Liotta, and tells him that he was never going to make Ray Liotta happy. Ray Liotta, shocked that Not-Drexel is such as a bad actor he managed to chew the scenery more than Liotta himself, goes into a heart attack while violins play dramatically.

 

Not-Drexel rushes into his dad's study to find some pills to fix it, but doesn't find any. Luckily though, the ambulance has already arrived for Ray Liotta, so the pills aren't needed. Narrator and Ashley Judd rush to the hospital with Ray Liotta... but Not-Drexel doesn't. Why? Well, in Ray Liotta's study, he found a letter addressed to him with his first and middle name... but the last name is HEMSLEY. OH SHIT. Not-Drexel discovers the truth about himself and goes off into the night, living up to his beard's name as being a sign of being way too emotional. (Oh, but he first does contact Ashley Judd and Narrator and tell them that he'll be out of town for a week and to tell Ray Liotta that he knows.)

 

Not-Drexel goes to a bar... and orders a whiskey! Oh no! Alcohol! This is bad!!! But then... someone walks up to him, saying he recognizes Not-Drexel as the Identical; the guy who got him into Not-Elvis impersonating. Not-Drexel turns around and sees...

 

 

HOLY CRAP IT'S MICKEY FROM SEINFELD. Dressed up like Not-Elvis and here to deliver a message about the Jewish necklace they both have that Not-Elvis wore. What message was it? I don't remember, I was too busy being distracted by MICKEY FROM SEINFELD IN A ZOOT SUIT SINGING FAKE ELVIS SONGS. Suddenly inspired, Not-Drexel changes his order from a whiskey to a Dr. Pepper (It's Not For Women!) Mickey tells Not-Drexel to look for something, a purpose in life. It's super deep and stuff.

 

Not-Drexel decides to get in touch with his roots and goes to the museum of Not-Elvis's birthplace. He touches the crib where he was born and it's super heartbreaking. However, a man conveniently drives by: it's old man, cataract-filled, CUMBERBATCH! Well... not really. Unlike Ray Liotta and Ashley Judd who get horrendous aging makeup throughout the movie, Cumberbatch is played by a different actor. But he'll always be Cumberbatch to me Cumberbatch goes up to the hill where Not-Elvis is buried and cries because he's all alone... and he wouldn't be if he never got rid of Not-Drexel. Guess who's behind him?

 

 

OH MY GOODNESS. Instead of this being a totally reasonable time to have a heart attack, Cumberbatch keeps together and hugs his son. Personally, I believe he never recognized his son, but was just happy to have company. Whatever. Anyway, Not-Drexel returns to Ray Liotta and thanks him for raising him right. Ray Liotta manages to actually cry in this scene, telling Not-Drexel he's proud of him. Dawww.

 

But wait! What happens to Narrator?

Does Not-Drexel life free?

Does Not-Drexel get a job?

There's no guarantee!

 

Oh wait. Yes there is. Because this is a Christian movie and thus must have a happy ending. Somehow (as in there's quite honestly no explanation in the movie; the film just cuts from Ray Liotta hugging Not-Drexel to this scene... wait there might have some narration, but it was just explaining his new job,) Not-Drexel now tours as the Identical! To quote Narrator, "both performing songs his brother made famous and his own original hits, he was a massive success." Personally, I find this a bit macabre. They're paying to see an Not-Elvis impersonator sing original music in addition to the Not-Elvis music. But whatever. Oh, and look, randomly, Narrator got pregnant. Because that was a loose end that definitely needed to be tied up. And in the end credits (set to music that sounded like Ne-Yo was Christian), we found out they had identical twins. Yay.

 

So... my response in the theater?

 

 

This movie is up there with Free Birds and The Call for hilarious ironic entertainment. It's probably the most I've ever laughed at a movie watched completely by myself. As an actual movie, I'd give an F, but it's just way too entertaining for me to do that. I'll give it a B, for it truly is a B-movie in the funniest sense.

[Empire]

That recap was glorious Blankments.

[Plain Old Tele]

tl;dr

[BoxOfficeFangrl]

I read some professional reviews, but they only scratch of just how absolutely bonkers this movie sounds.

[TalismanRing]

This is GOLD!  Bravo!

 

 

HOW DOES THIS WORK? HOW DID NOT-ELVIS MAKE IT BIG IF ACTUAL ELVIS WAS AROUND? All the cheap knockoff music in this movie sucks, but I understood why they had it; no way was the Presley estate gonna approve of an actual speculative fiction movie instead of a normal biopic. BUT IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY ZERO SENSE THAT NOT-ELVIS COULD MAKE IT BIG IN A UNIVERSE WHERE REAL ELVIS EXISTS.

[CJohn]

This is one of the most glorious things I have ever read here.

[Gibbs]

Did anyone else notice that they used a hearse as an ambulance? They didn't even bother to paint it. They just put a flashing light on it. Talk about a low budget.

 

This was easily the dumbest movie I've watched this century. 

 

I can't beleive how much time you wasted taking apart this turkey.