Crunching the Numbers: May the Fourth Be With Your Films

[cookie]

6 minutes ago, Rorschach said:

Kingdom of the Sun

Not sure if I should tell Numbers to look into a certain someone’s puppy dog eyes with this one since I kinda have some stakes here.

Edited October 16, 2018 by cookie

[Rorschach]

14 minutes ago, cookie said:

Not sure if I should tell Numbers to look into a certain someone’s puppy dog eyes with this one since I kinda have some stakes here.

Sounds like you're more afraid of what Numbers will say than @YourMother the Edgelord is.

 

[cookie]

Just now, Rorschach said:

Sounds like you're more afraid of what Numbers will say than @YourMother the Edgelord is.

 

I have a co-production credit goshdarnit

[YM!]

@Rorschach why u done me so dirty. Yes also very terrified.

[4815162342]

Tonight we will see if @Spagheditary is the SPARK that will light the fire that will burn the Homecoming down.

[Rorschach]

21 minutes ago, 4815162342 said:

Tonight we will see if @Spagheditary is the SPARK that will light the fire that will burn the Homecoming down.

[Ezen Baklattan]

It won’t.

[cookie]

43 minutes ago, 4815162342 said:

Tonight we will see if @Spagheditary is the SPARK that will light the fire that will burn the Homecoming down.

[Ezen Baklattan]

3 minutes ago, cookie said:

....what is that supposed to mean?

[4815162342]

1 minute ago, Spagheditary said:

....what is that supposed to mean?

 

Don't screw with Odyssey 3 I think.

[cookie]

1 minute ago, Spagheditary said:

....what is that supposed to mean?

Spoiler

The pun was bad and Numbers should feel bad.

 

[4815162342]

It is time Spaghetti.

 

Let the tension begin.

 

 

[4815162342]

Spaghetti I think you may have run into a plot error?

 

Spoiler

Because the way this particular part is written you have Alex simultaneously on Sancterra and Aradun

 

[Ezen Baklattan]

5 minutes ago, 4815162342 said:

Spaghetti I think you may have run into a plot error?

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Because the way this particular part is written you have Alex simultaneously on Sancterra and Aradun

 

She’s on Sancterra. But she’s having visions of her allies in Aradun.

[Rorschach]

32 minutes ago, 4815162342 said:

It is time Spaghetti.

 

Let the tension begin.

 

 

Spoiler

This is going to be one of the pieces in Fantasia 3. It's being combined with another popular piece kinda in the style of Night on Bald Mountain/Ave Maria.

 

[4815162342]

16 minutes ago, Spagheditary said:

 

  Reveal hidden contents

She’s on Sancterra. But she’s having visions of her allies in Aradun.

 

 

Yeah after re-reading that section I got it.

 

 

Done reading it. Time for the write-up

[Rorschach]

nvm

Edited October 17, 2018 by Rorschach

[4815162342]

SPARK: BEYOND THE SKY

 

After a terrific opening film and a pretty good second act that had a little sophomore slump, the Spark series enters into what has been promoted as a two-part conclusion that will shake the universe to the core. So, how far beyond the sky does this one go?

Spoiler

 

I don't want to be rude or disrespectful, and I undoubtedly don't want to start an argument, but Alex Spark is not known for interpreting facts rationally or objectively. None of what follows is my own original research. Rather, all of it is taken from wiser people than I, and it is these people who deserve the credit for first observing that Alex has been trying for ages to convince everyone that her backwards schemes will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams. The crux of her approach is to break down the distinction between subjective and objective truth, what Alex refers to as “breaking down dualisms”. Should we be concerned that she wants to make voyeurism socially acceptable? I'll answer that question for you: Yes, we should surely be concerned because when I say that she preaches tolerance yet actively refuses to tolerate views that differ from her own, this does not, I repeat, does not mean that statism is a sine qua non for mankind's happiness. This is a common fallacy held by wild bed-wetting cowards.

 

As I often like to put it, Alex's dissertations never cease to amaze me. Like their author, they're destructive, boastful, politically incorrect, unholy, and mealymouthed. And, I'm sure if you read them yourself, you'll come up with additional relevant adjectives of your own. That being said, Alex's plan is to lock people who need our help into a vicious cycle of indigence and ignorance. However, unlike the Nazis, Alex doesn't conceal her malevolent goals. Perhaps she's confident that no one will notice that Nature is a wonderful teacher. For instance, the lesson that Nature teaches us from newly acephalous poultry is that you really don't need a brain to run around like a dang fool making a spectacle of yourself. Nature also teaches us that Alex has been using all sorts of jiggery-pokery to convince people that the world is morally decrepit and degenerate and that only she can set things right. That worldview may be appealing, at least to the most flagitious extortionists you'll ever see, but it severely limits our national conversation on critical policy issues. Perhaps more painfully, Alex holds onto power like the eunuch mandarins of the Forbidden City—sterile obstacles to progress who waste our time and money.

 

One thing to keep in mind is that Alex would have us believe that her gibes are the carriers of civilization and that without them history is silent, literature is dumb, science is crippled, and thought and speculation are at a standstill. The reality, in contrast, is that I've heard of niddering things like wowserism and ultraism. But I've also heard of things like nonviolence, higher moralities, and treating all beings as ends in and of themselves—ideas that Alex's ignorant, unthinking, nasty brain is too small to understand. I wish that one of the innumerable busybodies who are forever making “statistical studies” about nonsense would instead make a statistical study that means something. For example, I'd like to see a statistical study of Alex's capacity to learn the obvious. Also worthwhile would be a statistical study of how many misinformed whifflers realize that Alex's nerdy attempt to construct a creative response to my previous letter was absolutely pitiful. Really, Alex, stringing together a bunch of solecistic insults and seemingly random babble is hardly effective. It simply proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that if you'll allow me a minor dysphemism, her cat's-paws are a bunch of drooling simpletons who prostate themselves before their beloved Alex. Or, to phrase that a little more politely, we have a choice. Either we let ourselves be led like lambs to the slaughter by Alex and her jackals or we disentangle people from the snares set by Alex and her gofers. While I don't expect you to have much trouble making up your mind you should nevertheless consider that Alex can get away with lies (e.g., that clever one-liners are a valid substitute for actual thinking) because the average person cannot imagine anyone lying so brazenly. Not one person in a hundred will actually check out the facts for himself and discover that Alex is lying.

 

I proclaim that I have a workable strategy for building alliances to combat factionalism and careerism. Naturally, the proof of the pudding is in the eating, but I have already established that if I had my druthers, Alex would never have had the opportunity to violate strongly held principles regarding deferral of current satisfaction for long-term gains. As it stands, the time is always right to do what is right. That's why we must reinforce what is best in people. The first step in that process is to realize that peddling Tartuffism to all comers is less wise than giving free amphetamines to school children, although it's probably just as profitable for Alex. In my opinion, grenades and flamethrowers would do less damage, though. The point is that I am appalled by Alex's serial dishonesty. First, she lied about paralyzing any serious or firm decision and thereby becoming responsible for the weak and half-hearted execution of even the most necessary measures. Then, Alex lied about lying about that.

 

It's easy enough to hate Alex any day of the week on general principles. But now I'll tell you about some very specific things that Alex is up to, things that ought to make a real Alex-hater out of you. First off, we must overcome the fears that beset us every day of our lives. We must overcome the fear that she will destroy that which is the envy of—and model for—the entire civilized world. And to overcome these fears, we must bring meaning, direction, and purpose into our lives. She has been known to “prove” statistically that human life is expendable. As you might have suspected, her proof is flawed. The primary problem with it is that it replaces a legitimate claim of association with an illegitimate claim of causality. Consequently, Alex's “proof” demonstrates only that she does not tolerate any view that differs from her own. Rather, Alex discredits and discards those people who contradict her along with the ideas that they represent. The final thing I want to bring up in this letter is that I'll do what I can to ask Alex Spark to rephrase her criticisms in a more reasoned way, and each of you reading this letter should do the same. Let's be there for each other. Let's help each other. And let's defy her.

 

 

Spoiler

 

I kid, I kid. Real review below.

 

Spark: Beyond the Sky is a film that knows exactly what it needs to do in order to set up the fourth film. It has an idea for the fourth film, a totally great idea, and it really wants the audience to be able to get to that idea. So, the result is that the film kinda accelerates and escalates to crazy warp speed in the final act, where we go from a slow build of an ominous conquering force, a haven for wayward Infinites, and reckoning with the fact that there are other galaxies and other species and many have fallen the same fate of enslavement or destruction to suddenly THE ENTIRE GALAXY IS UNDER ATTACK SIMULTANEOUSLY AND THERE IS NOTHING WE CAN DO FLEE FOR YOU LIVES.

 

It is a bit of whiplash since the first two acts are more of an action-adventure investigation story and it then becomes an apocalyptic doom fest really quickly and maybe not with quite enough build-up to that as I would have liked (around the halfway point I was thinking that the third film would end with the Soltarans starting their invasion of the Milky Way and a desperate resistance starting, instead of "Nope, we've already lost before it even started"). I think perhaps how the fourth film plays out may adjust my opinion on this, since from the ending it really seems like Hourglass Pictures wants to do their fourth film and the only way to make that film work is for the third act acceleration here. I guess we shall see.

 

Now that I have sufficiently bummed Spaghetti out with my main issue with the movie, let's shift to the rest of the stuff about the film....

 

Which is really good!

 

The first half of the film really shines with the mix of action-adventure thrills with asides of goofball humor. Alex burping away the lava was the right kind of silly the hero introduction needed after the heavy melodrama of the opening sequence. Sasha Lane continues to shine as Alex and really sells the dramatic, emotional moments, be it the sweet proposal scene early on, or the calamitous realization that her mom and her lizard stepdad have been wiped out in front of her eyes. Michelle Pfieffer does not have a lot going on, but she really sells the emotional and brokenness of the role very well, because she's an acting goddess of course. Olivia Cooke does very good also as someone fanatically driven and indoctrinated, and yet with the smallest hints of doubt.

 

The action scenes are deftly and creatively handled, with more and more innovations in the use of Infinite powers to do more and more crazy things, culminating in the LSD Trip To Rule Them All in the final action setpiece. I think there could have been a little more explanation as to how the Soltarans were nigh indestructible, but that's a minor issue. The battle on Sancterra is thrilling and frantic, and the fight between Alex and Xevarre with Mevino chiming in is energetic. And the final evacuation is huge in scope and dramatic as get out with ships being captured or destroyed all around and the dwindling group of heroes struggling to get to the escape point in time.

 

So I think the film maybe could have finagled the pacing and buildup a bit better to the climax, but oh man it is quite the ride.

 

 

 

Spoiler

8.7/10

 

[Ezen Baklattan]

I feel the concerns about the pacing of it; in hindsight I’m realizing that it’s kinda paced like a disaster movie. At least I could have given characters time to realize that trying to form a desperate resistance for their galaxy isn’t going to work.

 

In fact, the forth film is going to pick off immediately where the last left off, with everyone still trying to process what had just happened.

 

But I digress. Thank you for the terrific review!

[4815162342]

Also @Spagheditary I know it isn't going to happen but seriously after that first credits scene I will laugh my ass off in Film #4 if

 

Spoiler

 

During the big action climax with the Soltarans overwhelming the Resistance we get Super Saiyan Daddy Spark entering the ring like

 

Spoiler

 

 

 

BRING ME TAREK!

 

 

It'd be legit WTF AWESOME BUT WAIT THIS DOESN'T MAKE SENSE AH SCREW IT LET'S DO THIS