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I, Frankenstein (2014)

By CJohn, in Review That Movie! (Spoilers Allowed)

  

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baumer Cinematic Universe

baumer

Posted
Posted (edited)

Okay, maybe just a little bit.

 

Someone forgot to tell Aaron Eckhart that he's making a shitty movie called I, Frankenstein.  I read an interview with him recently and you'd think that he was on the verge of curing cancer or that he was about to send a man to Pluto based on his findings.  He's way too serious and way too introspective about acting.  Sometimes actors need to be reminded that they memorize words and regurgitate them for a fucking living.  That attitude, that anger and that self importance comes off in this film as he plays Frankenstein with anger, bitterness, anger, bitterness, anger and bitterness.  I don't care if this is how it's written, it comes off all wrong.  He has one speed in this film, one face, one emotion, one reaction.  He's basically scowls and spits vitriol in every scene.  It's so baffling, so wrong and so moronic that it's like someone was afraid to tell Eckhart that he's not in a Christopher Nolan film.  He's in a Stuart Beattie film about Frankenstein.  As Warren Oates said in Stripes, "Lighten up, Aaron."

 

The plot in this film is basically about angels who were created by the Archangel Michael so that they could fight demons on Earth.  This kind of sounds like the plot to Legion and even The Prophecy.  Miranda Otto plays the head of the angels,who are now in the form of Gargoyles.  She decides who lives, who dies and why.  Somehow these Gargoyles live in a giant palace in the middle of some city, I'm not sure what that city is but it looks like it could be in New York, London or maybe even somewhere in Australia seeing as this is an Australian production.  Now here's the funny part.  Although this takes place in modern times, it looks like it takes place in the 1800's.  All the city is CGI and it looks like something you see in a movie like From Hell.  I was literally waiting for Jack the Ripper to show up somewhere or to have horse and buggies appear or to have the streets lit by candle.  The production design for this was in a different century.  The only reason I knew we were in the 2000's is because it says that Adam (Frankenstein) has been alive for 200 years and because there's an I-phone and a computer in the film.  The rest of the film looks like it's in the 1800's.  It's the most bazaar decision I think I've seen in any film.

 

Then you have the battles.  Jai Courtney plays the hot, buff angel who can fight but he dies in the middle of the film.  Somehow if you carve some angelic symbol into any kind of weapon, you can kill these demon fuckers.  But of course there are soooo many demons that the gargoyles can't handle them all, BUT!! Shitto is supposed to be the leader of the Gargoyles yet she is captured and held prisoner by some low life demon.  It would be like Bruce Lee being overtaken by a fat mall cop.  That's how much sense it makes.  She's the leader of the damn gargoyles and she was created by Michael, God's leader of the angels, and yet she gets taken over like she's a bitch.  It would have at least been better if she took off a helmet after being told that no man can escape from their clutches, and she says, "I'm no man!"  But nope, a simple knife is held to her throat and she cannot escape this.  It might have even been a knife you would use to spread butter on your sandwich.

 

Also, apparently in this movie, no one lives in these giant cities because when bright balls of fire erupts in the middle of the night and beams of blinding light are taking the gargoyles to heaven when they die, no one in the city sees a thing or reacts to it.  Building blow up, balls of fire that look like they came out of the book of revelations engulf the city, gargoyles fly everywhere and yet there is not one person in the film who bats an eyelash or even mutters, "That's peculiar."  Nope, in this film, everything that happens just happens.  

 

Another problem I had with the film is that I'm supposed to root for Frankenstein, but I'm not quite sure why.  He's a fucking asshole in this film.  He's ungrateful, moody, angry, mean, selfish, makes decisions that ends up screwing over the gargoyles and he ends up being stupid in the one part of the film that called for him to be, just so the damsel in distress plot could be furthered.  

 

I, Frank is not the worst film I've ever seen, RIPD and the Artist and Citizen Kane are just some that are worse, but it's not far off.

 

2/10

Edited by Christmas baumer
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Plain Old Tele Cinematic Universe

Plain Old Tele

Posted
Posted

It's the most bazaar decision I think I've seen in any film. She's the leader of the damn gargoyles and she was created by Michael, God's leader of the angels, and yet she gets taken over like she's a bitch. Nope, in this film, everything that happens just happens. I, Frank is not the worst film I've ever seen, RIPD and the Artist and Citizen Kane are just some that are worse, but it's not far off.

I'm trying to figure out my favorite baumer sentence. These are the contenders. :lol:
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Emirazza Sleeper Hit

Emirazza

Posted
Posted (edited)

Okay, maybe just a little bit.

 

Someone forgot to tell Aaron Eckhart that he's making a shitty movie called I, Frankenstein.  I read an interview with him recently and you'd think that he was on the verge of curing cancer or that he was about to send a man to Pluto based on his findings.  He's way too serious and way too introspective about acting.  Sometimes actors need to be reminded that they memorize words and regurgitate them for a fucking living.  That attitude, that anger and that self importance comes off in this film as he plays Frankenstein with anger, bitterness, anger, bitterness, anger and bitterness.  I don't care if this is how it's written, it comes off all wrong.  He has one speed in this film, one face, one emotion, one reaction.  He's basically scowls and spits vitriol in every scene.  It's so baffling, so wrong and so moronic that it's like someone was afraid to tell Eckhart that he's not in a Christopher Nolan film.  He's in a Stuart Beattie film about Frankenstein.  As Warren Oates said in Stripes, "Lighten up, Aaron."

 

The plot in this film is basically about angels who were created by the Archangel Michael so that they could fight demons on Earth.  This kind of sounds like the plot to Legion and even The Prophecy.  Miranda Otto plays the head of the angels,who are now in the form of Gargoyles.  She decides who lives, who dies and why.  Somehow these Gargoyles live in a giant palace in the middle of some city, I'm not sure what that city is but it looks like it could be in New York, London or maybe even somewhere in Australia seeing as this is an Australian production.  Now here's the funny part.  Although this takes place in modern times, it looks like it takes place in the 1800's.  All the city is CGI and it looks like something you see in a movie like From Hell.  I was literally waiting for Jack the Ripper to show up somewhere or to have horse and buggies appear or to have the streets lit by candle.  The production design for this was in a different century.  The only reason I knew we were in the 2000's is because it says that Adam (Frankenstein) has been alive for 200 years and because there's an I-phone and a computer in the film.  The rest of the film looks like it's in the 1800's.  It's the most bazaar decision I think I've seen in any film.

 

Then you have the battles.  Jai Courtney plays the hot, buff angel who can fight but he dies in the middle of the film.  Somehow if you carve some angelic symbol into any kind of weapon, you can kill these demon fuckers.  But of course there are soooo many demons that the gargoyles can't handle them all, BUT!! Shitto is supposed to be the leader of the Gargoyles yet she is captured and held prisoner by some low life demon.  It would be like Bruce Lee being overtaken by a fat mall cop.  That's how much sense it makes.  She's the leader of the damn gargoyles and she was created by Michael, God's leader of the angels, and yet she gets taken over like she's a bitch.  It would have at least been better if she took off a helmet after being told that no man can escape from their clutches, and she says, "I'm no man!"  But nope, a simple knife is held to her throat and she cannot escape this.  It might have even been a knife you would use to spread butter on your sandwich.

 

Also, apparently in this movie, no one lives in these giant cities because when bright balls of fire erupts in the middle of the night and beams of blinding light are taking the gargoyles to heaven when they die, no one in the city sees a thing or reacts to it.  Building blow up, balls of fire that look like they came out of the book of revelations engulf the city, gargoyles fly everywhere and yet there is not one person in the film who bats an eyelash or even mutters, "That's peculiar."  Nope, in this film, everything that happens just happens.  

 

Another problem I had with the film is that I'm supposed to root for Frankenstein, but I'm not quite sure why.  He's a fucking asshole in this film.  He's ungrateful, moody, angry, mean, selfish, makes decisions that ends up screwing over the gargoyles and he ends up being stupid in the one part of the film that called for him to be, just so the damsel in distress plot could be furthered.  

 

I, Frank is not the worst film I've ever seen, RIPD and the Artist and Citizen Kane are just some that are worse, but it's not far off.

 

2/10

 

 

What a waste of your precious time to write such a long review for this shitty movie!  :P

Edited by Emirazza
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