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Year 10 of CAYOM 2.0 officially begins... again! Since detailed instructions are contained in the players' guide thread, I'll simply summarize and say that this is the thread where you post all of your films with info including: Title, Cast, Director, Release Date, Theater Count, MPAA Rating, Budget, and a Plot Summary. I will edit this post a few times a day with updates based on postings.  






If your plot is of significant length, place it inside spoiler tags so it doesn't take forever to scroll down a page of this thread!!!!!


Also, please take into account the Advanced Schedule when positioning your films.


Based on the 2020 Calendar


September 4-7 (Labour Day Weekend)

The Last Remaining Days (Drama/Sci-Fi) (2,914 theatres) (Page 6) *

Live Strong (Biopic) (3,340 theatres) (Page 6) *

The Impact of Sir Roger the Alien 3 (Sci-Fi/Comedy) (3,341 theatres) (Page 7) *


September 11-13

Psycho Squad (Action/Comedy/Satire) (Page 5)

The Rider (Action/Sci-Fi) (3,240 theatres) (Page 7) *


September 18-20

Bloody Mary (Horror) (3,010 theatres) (Page 6)

Lucky (Comedy/Fantasy) (3,450 theatres) (Page 7)

Mirror's Edge (Action/Adventure) (3,802 theatres) (Page 7) *


September 25-27

Touching The Spirit Bear (Spiritual Drama) (2,357 theatres) (Page 6) *


October 2-4

The First Month (Drama/Thriller) (3020 theatres) (Page 5)

The Addams Family (Musical) (3823 theatres) (Page 5) *

Stacie (Horror/Thriller) (3,012 theatres) (Page 7) *

Goliath (Adventure) (3,728 theatres) (Page 7) *

Rendezvous with Rama (3,789 theatres) (Page 7)


October 9-11

The Run (Drama/Thriller) (3,000 theatres) (Page 5) *

Lake of the Psychopaths (Slasher Horror) (2,954 theatres) (Page 6) *


October 16-18

Life is Strange (Drama) (3500 theatres) (Page 5)

Pitch Black (Horror) (3258 theatres) (Page 6)

Mile High (Comedy) (2,830 theatres) (Page 7) *


October 23-25

Fairy Tail: Journey to the Black Magic (Fantasy/Action/Adventure) (3954 theatres) (Page 5)

Empire of Corpses (Period/Sci-fi/Drama) (Limited- 135 theatres) (Page 5)

An Error Occurred (Documentary) (Limited - 26 Theatres) (Page 7) *

Dead Space (Sci-Fi/Horror) (3,049 theatres) (Page 7) *


October 30-November 1

SOMA (Sci-fi/Horror/Thriller) (3000 theatres) (Page 5) *

Empire of Corpses (Period/Sci-fi/Drama) (Limited- 524 theatres) (Page 5)

An Error Occurred (Documentary) (Limited - 190 theatres) (Page 7) *


November 6-8

Empire of Corpses (Period/Sci-fi/Drama) (Wide- 1352 theatres) (Page 5)

Amulet II: The Last Council (Animation/Epic) (4,124 theatres) (Page 7) *

An Error Occurred (Documentary) (Limited - 562 theatres) (Page 7) *


November 13-15

Empire of Corpses (Period/Sci-fi/Drama) (Wide- 2734 theatres) (Page 5)

Sailing Champion: Second Wind (Adventure Comedy) (3254 theatres) (Page 6) *

Public Eye (Drama) (Limited - 10 theatres) (Page 6) *

An Error Occurred (Documentary) (Wide - 901 theatres) (Page 7) *

Poison and Wine (Romantic Drama) (3,009 theatres) (Page 7) *


November 20-22 

The Nightingale (WWII Drama) (3755 theatres) (Page 5)

Untitled M. Night Shyamalan Psychological Thriller (Page 6)

Public Eye (Drama) (Limited - 216 theatres) (Page 6) *


November 25-29 (Thanksgiving Weekend)

Jaywalk (Drama) (Wide- 2780 theatres) (Page 6)

Public Eye (Drama) (Wide - 2,964 theatres) (Page 6) *

Bad Cop (Thriller) (2821 theatres) (Page 6) *

Apocamance (Sci-fi/Romatic Comedy) (3,650 theatres) (Page 6)

The Hunchback of Notre Dame (Musical/Drama) (3,817 theatres) (Page 7)


December 4-6

Cable Television (Thriller) (2357 theatres) (Page 6) *

The Provider (Drama/Thriller) (Limited - 4 theatres) (Page 7)


December 11-13

Citizen Welles (Biographical Drama) (2,755 theatres) (Page 6) *

A Wrinkle in Time Saga: A Swiftly Tilting Planet (Fantasy) (3,555 theatres) (Page 7) *

The Provider (Drama/Thriller) (Limited - 49 theatres) (Page 7)


December 18-20

Untitled Fantasy (Fantasy) (3,645 theatres) (Page 6)

The Provider (Drama/Thriller) (Limited - 306 theatres) (Page 7)

The Devil's Brother (Crime/Mystery) (3,015 theatres) (Page 7)

Mech Suit Heroine Rita (Animation/Superhero) (4,007 theatres) (Page 7)


December 25-27

December 23rd - The Provider (Drama/Thriller) (Wide - 1,873 theatres)

December 23rd - Spark: Remastered (Animation/Sci-Fi) (2,486 theatres)

Point Blanc (Action) (3150 theatres) (Page 6) *

Wild (Drama) (3,020 theatres) (Page 6)



Past Trimesters





January 3-5

Heads or Tails (Crime/Action (3456 theatres) (Page 2)

The Cube (Documentary) (2700 theatres) (Page 2)



January 10-12

The Call of the Revenant (Horror/Period) (3121 theatres) (Page 2)



January 17-20 (MLK Weekend)

The Good, the Bad and the Mechanical (Western/Action/Sci-Fi) (3562 theatres) (Page 1)

Two Lonely Zookeepers (Drama) (3305 theatres) (Page 1)



January 24-26

Timmy's Winter Vacation (Family/Sports) (3022 theatres) (Page 1)



January 31-February 2

1989 (Concert) (3170 theatres) (Page 1)

Ophidophobia (Horror/Comedy) (3039 theatres) (Page 1)



February 7-9

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Part 2 (Courtroom Drama/Mystery) (3434 theatres) (Page 1)



February 14-17 (Presidents Day Weekend)

Moses (Action/Adventure) (3972 theatres) (Page 1)

That Was a Long Time Ago (Rom-Com) (3400 theatres) (Page 2)



February 21-23

The Disappointment (Comedy) (3400 theatres) (Page 1)



February 28- March 1

The Executioner (Action) (3213 theatres) (page 1)



March 6-8

Jurassic Knights (Action/Fantasy) (3822 theatres) (Page 2)

Black Friday (Horror Mockumentary) (2627 theatres) (Page 2)



March 13-15

Second to Singapore (Action/Comedy/Stoner) (3250 theatres) (Page 2)

Rhino Riders (Sports/Adventures) (3050 theatres) (Page 2)



March 20-22

On a Mountain (Action) (3200 theatres) (Page 2)



March 27-29

E.S.P (Animation/Superhero) (3892 theatres) (Page 2)



April 3-5

Russian Roulette (Action) (3720 theatres) (Part 1)



April 10-12

Crusader (Period Action/Adventure) (3278 theatres) (Page 1)

Scrooge McDuck- IMAX Special Edition (365 theatres) (Page 2)



April 17-19

Ciaphas Cain (Sci-Fi/Action) (3755 theatres) (Page 2)

Daisy Lemonade (Family Comedy) (2980 theatres) (Page 1)



April 24-26

MST3K: Expedecade (Comedy) (2209 theatres) (Page 1)

Kensington (Action) (3245 theatres) (Page 2)


May 1-3

Run & Gun 2 (Action) (3865 theatres) (Page 4)



May 8-10

On the Record (Musical) (2753 theatres) (Page 3)

Forty-Five Seconds of Glory (Period Drama/Sports) (3062 theatres) (Page 4)



May 15-17

Attack of the Movies (Comedy/Fantasy) (3440 theatres) (Page 3)



May 22-25 (Memorial Day Weekend)

Monster Hunter (Fantasy) (3952 theatres) (Page 3)

Shia LeBeouf the Movie ('Comedy') (3870 theatres) (Page 2)

City Launcher/World Builder (Drama) (3715 theatres) (Page 3)



May 29-31

Runaway Man (Action/Drama) (2791 theatres) (Page 3)



June 5-7

The Dresden Files: Fool Moon (Urban Fantasy) (3852 theatres) (Page 2)

All Kinds of Bull (Drama) (2900 theatres) (Page 5)



June 12-14

The Lazy River Squad (Comedy/Action) (3390 theatres) (Page 3)



June 19-21

Day of the Tentacle (Sci-Fi/Comedy) (3188 theatres) (Page 4)

Pokemon Mystery Dungeon: The Adventure Begins (Animation/Fantasy) (3923 theatres) (Page 5)



June 26-28

Final Transmission (Found Footage Sci-Fi) (3045 theatres) (Page 3)

The Throne of Fire (Fantasy/Adventure) (3789 theatres) (Page 4)



July 3-5

The Parade (Comedy) (3855 theatres) (Page 3)

2 Sharkz (Horror/Comedy) (2884 theatres) (Page 4)



July 10-12

The Girl in the Red Dress (Horror) (3002 theatres) (Page 4)

A Love Worth Killing For (Romance/Action) (3519 theatres) (Page 2)



July 17-19

Peter and the Starcatchers (Fantasy/Adventure) (3890 theatres) (Page 5)

The Line (War) (3411 theatres) (Page 5)



July 24-26

Sam Smith: Stay with Me (Concert/Documentary) (2433 theatres) (Page 4)

The Pixies in the Backyard (Family/Fantasy) (3200 theatres) (Page 4)



July 31-2

The Wedding Prey (Comedy/Drama) (3623 theatres) (Page 5)

The Scarecrow (Crime/Thriller) (2766 theatres) (Page 5)



August 7-9

The Departure (Horror/Drama) (2978 theatres) (Page 5)



August 14-16

The Raven Boys (Fantasy) (3415 theatres) (Page 2)

My Favourite Scientist (Animated Dramedy) (3951 theatres) (Page 4)



August 21-23

Loony Ben (Comedy) (3050 theatres) (Page 5)



August 28-30

Terminal Red (Horror) (2468 theatres) (Page 3)

The Hateful Eight Redeux (Satire/Action/Re-release) (1249 theatres) (Page 5)




Currently, only September and October are open for entries. The deadline for entries for all 4 months shall be the 29th. If people are struggling to finish they may be a small increase in the deadline, but try not to rely on that.


With all that out of the way, Y10 is officially open!


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Will post my tentpoles tomorrow but for now some fillers:


Studio: Fine Films Inc.

Genre: Horror / Comedy

Format: Live-action, 2D, 3D

Director: Ellory Elkayem

Producer: Doe John

Budget: $30m

Release Date: January 31st

Theater Count: 3,039

Runtime: 81 minutes (1 hour, 21 minutes)

Rating: R

Cast: Keifer Sutherland, David Caruso, Sarah Hyland, David Henrie, Doug E. Doug, David Arquette

A wealthy businessman named Rupert (Caruso) has a strange fascination with snakes. He loves snakes so much that he names his business Cobra Enterprises and has snake-themed furniture in his home, along with real snakes as pets. But due to poor management his company goes nearly bankrupt and Rupert is forced to come up with a novel solution to earn money: fund a team of scientists who can create genetically mutated snakes as sideshow attractions. The sideshow tour proves to be a hit with locals, and one day the attraction is visited by a single father named Kent (Sutherland), his daughter Annabelle (Hyland) and her boyfriend Wade (Henrie). Kent has ophidiophobia (fear of snakes) ever since a venomous snake bit his wife leading to her tragic death, but Annabelle drags with him so she can protest the experiments done on the snakes. They stumble upon Rupert admiring one of his creations and Kent wonders how someone can have such a fascination for such despising creatures. Annabelle confronts Rupert and scolds him for the horrible things they're doing to those poor creatures. Meanwhile Wade just makes dumb penis jokes whenever he comes across a snake. The following evening when the attraction has closed and all the people have left Annabelle and Wade sneak into the facility and free all the snakes including the genetically modified ones, not knowing that they're not only still venomous, but have essentially turned into super snakes that can spit acid, grow hundreds of feet long, and a few snakes are even shown growing wings and flying. The snakes sneak into the nearby town and cause havoc, attacking people through toilets and climbing in through windows and eating everything they come across. Realizing the trouble they've caused, Annabelle and Wade go into the town and try to capture the snakes. Wade sees a kitten about to get eaten by a large python and rushes to its rescue. He manages to save the kitten in time, and even brags about it to Annabelle, but he then gets attacked by the python. The larger-than-average python ends up squeezing him so hard that his head explodes in a gory but comical fashion. As the snake chases Annabelle out of town, the kitten is seen peeing on Wade's corpse.

Morning comes as Annabelle is seen rushing back to her father's house and proceeds to lock all the doors and windows. Kent comes out and wonders what's going on and Annabelle explains what she did and laments the loss of Wade, but refuses to admit to her mistake. A flying snake suddenly crashes through their window and attacks Kent, who ultimately stabs it with a kitchen knife. They look out and see the town being overrun with killer snakes. Bent on protecting himself and his daughter (who still believes she did the "right thing" despite it leading to the deaths of dozens of people) Kent goes to the garage and combines a leaf blower and a blowtorch to create a flamethrower (don't ask how that works) to fend off attacking snakes on the way to their car. He accidentally sets his car on fire though, so he and his daughter has to cover while the car explodes. A helpful neighbor named Toby (Doug) appears with his RV and helps them escape the snakes. Toby reveals that he used to spy on the experiments being done by the scientists hired by Rupert, and reveals that the genetically modified snakes can breed super fast. Like they can lay an egg and have a full-grown offspring within a few days. The scientists realized this and neutered the males, but since both males and females have now escaped the females can find any local species and mate with them instantly. The more exotic species end up breaking into a local reptile zoo and breed from there. Kent comes to the conclusion that in order to prevent the snakes from taking over everything, they have to lure all the snakes into the reptile zoo and kill them in one go. Annabelle protests, saying that despite the snakes killing all the people she still wants to protect them, but since she brought them into this mess in the first place Kent and Toby ignore her.

Kent enlists the help of a local Indiana Jones-parody named Montana James (Arquette) but Montana's so afraid of snakes that his heart jumps when he spots an innocent corn snake. Kent sympathizes with Montana's fears, but if anyone can get them in and out of the infested reptile zoo it's him. Heading back to the RV Toby gets attacked by a cobra who spits acid promptly melting his face (reminding Monty of the time he discovered the ark of the covenant), so with Toby dead the remaining group grabs his RV and heads for the reptile zoo. They break in to find the snakes have essentially taken over the place, eating all the other reptiles in the process (one snake has even managed to devour ALL the crocodiles). Montana panics but Kent restraints him, telling him that both need to conquer their fears. They plant some bombs to blow the whole place up killing all the snakes in the process, but Monty is knocked out by Rupert, appearing to stop the trio from blowing up the snakes. He actually thanks Annabelle for releasing them, for now the snakes can take over the world and he with his snake fetish couldn't be happier. Kent tries to stop Rupert but Annabelle turns her back on Kent, saying she'd rather let her dad die than for him to kill the not-so-innocent snakes. Kent ends up fighting Rupert while the snakes circle them below. Rupert uses snake-inspired attacks like biting, squeezing and spitting on Kent, but Kent overpowers him and throws him down to the snakes, showing him how the snakes would actually treat him back. The snakes pound on Rupert squeezing, biting and spitting acid on him until he turns into bloody goo on the ground (reminding Monty of the time he found the holy grail). Annabelle picks up a gun and shoots her dad. Kent survives being shot but is unable to pull the trigger, so it's up to Monty to save the day. He and Annabelle end up tripping over so they both are seen grabbing on to the suspension of the bridge. Monty pushes her over the edge ("You betrayed PETA!") and watches Annabelle getting devoured by the snakes she swore to protect. Kent asks if it was necessary to kill his daughter but Monty doesn't care. They set off the explosives killing all the snakes in the process. On their way out of the burning reptile zoo Kent laments the loss of his daughter, even though she valued the lives of killer snakes over her own father. The moment is cut short as a giant anaconda emerges from the burning wreckage and attacks them. Having overcome his fear of snakes, Monty leaps onto the Anaconda's head and strikes it with his machete, killing it and finally bringing this nightmare to an end. Sitting and watching the reptile zoo go up in flames, Monty asks Kent if he should write a book on his experiences, maybe throw in aliens and a scene where he survives a nuke by hiding in a fridge, but Kent tells him to not go there. The movie ends with "What a Wonderful World" playing over the credits.

Edited by C00k13
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Timmy's Winter Vacation

Studio: Fine Films Inc.
Genre: Family/Sports
Format: Live-action, 2D
Director: John Schultz
Producer: Doe John
Bugdet: $12m
Release Date: January 24th
Theater Count: 3,022
Rating: G
Runtime: 84 minutes (1 hour, 24 minutes)
Cast: A bunch of young kids

Timmy, Minnie's black friend from Minnie's Summer Vacation , is dragged along on a skiing trip when all he wants to do is to sit at home and play video games and throw snowballs with his friends. On the skiing trip however he meets a girl he immediately gets a crush on, but is constantly sidelined by this other kid who's really good at skiing. Timmy in a fit of jealousy challenges his rival to a race on top of the tallest slope (the "Reaper's Slope", which as you can tell is also dangerous) and gets three days to prepare. The only problem is that Timmy is terrible at skiing, but with the help of a coach - an old but tubular man named Wilson - he discover he's excellent at snowboarding. While Timmy is training for the race, comedic subplots like Timmy's dad getting chased by reindeer, Timmy's mom developing a rivalry of her own with another boy's mom, and his teenage sister trying to get a guy's attention only to fail constantly. The day of the big race comes but Timmy isn't so sure of himself, but with an encouragement from Wilson and kind words from the girl he has a crush on Timmy steps up to the plate. The race begins and all the kids cheer them on as Timmy and his rival head down the slope. However, the rival kid gets in an accident and gets trapped under a fallen tree. Timmy thinks he has the victory in sight now, but realizes that leaving his rival behind is not what a true winner would do, so he turns back and helps the rival get on his feet. The kid has a broken leg so Timmy decides to carry him to the goal so he can get medical attention, but encounters the flock of reindeer who chased his dad earlier. They proceed to chase Timmy down the mountain until his dad realizes why the reindeer were chasing him; he ate their precious berries. He decides to lure the reindeer away so that Timmy can carry his wounded rival to safety. The rival thanks Timmy for his help as he gets taken away in an ambulance, and the girl he has a crush on commends him for his bravery. Wilson tells Timmy he has nothing more to teach him so he heads to the sauna to hook up with some dames. Seeing her son's heroic deeds Timmy's mother and her rival decide to become friends while Timmy's sister trips over a snowman but finally gets the attention of the guy she liked. When the weekend is over the family heads home, as a reindeer is seen walking across the road eating berries as the movie ends.

Edited by C00k13
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Six Shots

Studio: Fine Films Inc.

Genre: Action / Crime

Format: Live-action, 2D

Director: Baltasar Kormakur

Producer: Doe John

Budget: $65m

Release Date: N/A

Theater Count: 3,501

Runtime: 105 minutes (1 hour, 45 minutes)

Rating: PG-13

Cast: Aaron Paul, Nick Cassavetes, Rachel Nichols, Micheal Pena,


Edited by C00k13
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Studio: Millennium Films
Genre: Horror
Director: James Wan
Budget: $26m
Release Date: January 3rd
Theater Count: 3,740
Runtime: 83 Minutes
Rating: R
Cast: Rachel McAdams, Karen Gillan, Hailee Steinfeld, Eliza Taylor


Plot: Coming Soon

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Genre: Period Epic

Date: 14 December

Theaters: 3,972

Rating: PG-13

Budget: 140M

Studio: Millennium Films

Format: 3D

Director: Peter Jackson

Executive Producer: Steven Spielberg


Tye Sheridan- Young Moses

Joseph Gordon-Levitt- Moses

Ben Kingsley- Old Moses [small role in this film but lead role in the next one]

Ben Affleck- Pharaoh

Chloe Grace-Moretz- Miriam [small role]

Zoey Deutch- Bithiah

Lizzy Caplan- Shifrah [very tiny role]

Anthony Hopkins- G-D [voice only]

Ezra Miller- Aaron

Unknown- Nachshon




The film starts with a clip of the Jews arriving in Egypt and how the Bnei Yisrael formed.


Egypt now had a new Pharaoh [ben Affleck] in charge after the other one died. He did not care about the Jewish prime-minister of Egypt Joseph despite the fact he saved Egypt when it was in a famine and he started to worry that there were too many Bnei Yisrael and they could rise up against the Egyptians. His first plan to get rid of the Jews was to make them all slaves by the Jews having to do crushingly hard work for no reward. After this failed, his 2nd plan was to get the Egyptian midwives [shifrah and Puah] to kill every Jewish born son. The midwives were told to look after them for a few weeks and kill them but the midwives looked after them for longer and did not kill any of the babies. They would have been killed if they had got caught. Pharaoh then turned to his final plan which was to kill every single boy whether they were Egyptian or Jewish because an astrologer told him the new ruler was about to be born and that they did not know if he was going to be Jewish or Egyptian.


The film goes to another place in Egypt where a man and a woman from the tribe of Levi were married. The woman hid her son [Moses] for 3 months because he was born prematurely so no one would notice but realising the Egyptians would come and take her child as it is meant to be born then, she put him in a basket onto the river and left. Pharaoh’s daughter [bithiah] saw him in the basket and asked her hand maid to fetch it because she took pity on the crying boy. Miriam [Moses sister] offered to go and get a Hebrew nurse and maid to feed and look after him. Bithiah offered to pay the wages and the baby was brought back to Miriam a few years later and she named him Moses.


A Few Years Later

Moses [Tye Sheridan] was now living in the Egyptian palace but he was confused there as he was a Jew living there where as all the others Jews were in slavery. He enjoyed life as he was treated really well by Bithiah. G-d also wanted him to grown up in the palace so he could learn about Pharaoh’s characteristics.


Pharaoh’s advisors started to think that Moses would steal the crown from Pharaoh and they wanted to execute him even though he was only young. Pharaoh decided to put this to a test another way- if he picked up the coal he would be let free but if he picked up the gold he would be killed. Moses was reaching for the gold when G-d pushes his hand towards the coal and made him put it in his mouth which gave Moses a speech impediment. This was a miracle as G-d saved Moses.


Years Later

Moses [Joseph Gordon-Levitt] is now a Shepherd when he saw a taskmaster beating up an Egyptian so in anger and hurt of how the taskmaster was treating the Jews, Moses killed him. Just before he killed the taskmaster, he pronounced G-d’s name as it shows that G-d gave him permission. Moses saw two Jews fighting so he tried to stop the argument but they mentioned about the taskmaster. Worried that they could tell Pharaoh, Moses fled to Midian to escape him. Pharaoh found out about what happened the day after and he planned to kill Moses after what happened.


Moses took his flocks to ‘free pastureland’ and sacrificed them which showed Moses believed in G-d. Moses was by the burning bush when G-d spoke to him and told him that he would be the man to lead the Jews out of Egypt by giving him 3 signs which were a stick turning into a snake to scare the Egyptians, leprous like snow to improve his skin and water of the Nile. Moses was unsure if he could free the slaves from Pharaoh in Egypt because of his stutter so G-d allowed his brother Aaron to be a spokesperson for him.


They walked to Egypt where they asked Pharaoh to let the Jews go but he refused telling them that ‘who is Hashem and why should I listen to his voice’. Angered by their request, Pharaoh told the taskmaster to make the slaves suffer more by making their work rate increase and hurting them more. G-d spoke to Moses again and told him that he didn’t ask what he had told him to because Moses had asked Pharaoh if he could let the Jews go for 3 days of freedom when G-d had told him to ask to let the Jews go forever.


Moses went back again and told Pharaoh he wanted to show him something so Pharaoh summoned all the wise men into a room. Moses showed them the sign of the snake but the Wise Men do the same thing. However Moses and Aaron’s snake eats all the other ones to show G-d’s superior but Pharaoh still refused to let the Jews go.


Because of Pharaoh’s stubbornness, 10 plagues were brought onto Egypt. The first plague was that the water in Egypt including the Nile turned to blood and this was brought by Aaron because Moses couldn’t do something bad to water as it saved his life. The Egyptians could by clean water off the Jews and this showed G-d’s control over the land water and people. Aaron also brought the next two plagues of millions of frogs invading Egypt because the Egyptians forced the Bnei Yisrael to gather reptiles and every time an Egyptian hit a frog, another one produced. The other plague was lice as the Egyptians refused to let the Bnei Yisrael bath or clean. The next plagues which Moses brought to the Egyptians were wild animals, cattle, boils, hail and locusts. While these plagues are going on, there are many scenes of the Egyptians being scared out of their lives and running away all over the place. During the plagues G-d gave the Jews a mission to prove the Egyptian idols are not real and powerless. They had to buy a sheep, keep it in their house for 4 days, kill the animal, use some of its blood to paint their doorposts, roast the animal on a spit and gather together in big groups and eat the lamb to celebrate the victory over the Egyptian ‘g-d’. Most Jews did this but the ones who did not were affected by the plagues.


The 9th plague was thick darkness in which all Egyptians had the inability to move. The slaves held torches on fire for Egyptians at night. During this plague, the Jews reclaimed all their stolen riches from the Egyptians because they could not see what was going on but they told them just as they were leaving what they took. Most of the Egyptians has had enough of these plagues and encouraged Pharaoh to let the Jews go but he still would not. The last and final plague was death of firstborn of all Egyptian people which also included Pharaoh in this plague. In fear of dying, Pharaoh finally let the Jews go but was annoyed about letting them go because he had no one to serve them so he decided to go with his servants and his people to get the Bnei Yisrael.


[Note: Ben Kingsley is now Moses for this short part]

The Jews were now running away from the Egyptians who were about to catch up with them. The Jews arrived at the Red Sea and Moses prayed to G-d but G-d told him he didn’t have time and it would not work. A Jew needed to walk into the sea and most of them were scared to but Nachshon decided to be an individual and he walked into the sea. It then split for all the Jews to walk into with G-d making 12 separate dry paths for each tribe to walk through. The right and left of the water of the Red Sea froze and it formed a roof above their heads so that each tribe was walking through a tunnel which protected the Jews from the arrows and spears the Egyptians were aiming at them. As the last of the Jews left the water and all the Egyptians were in the red sea, G-d told Moses to stretch his hand out so he did which made the sea return to normal. The water closed back up and the Egyptians drowned. The better of the bad Egyptians sunk quickly to suffer less, the average Egyptians drowned like stones and the worst of the Egyptians drowned slowly like straw. Pharaoh is seen to be the last Egyptian to drown while he screams in pain and fear before he dies. The Jews sing The Shira which is a song of thanks to G-d. The film shows people on the land safe such as Miriam, Aaron and Moses. The film ends while this is being sung and the words to be continued show. The Credits then roll.

Edited by PitchPerfect2Films
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The Good, the Bad and the Mechanical

Director: Drake Brando
Genre: Western/Sci-fi/Action
Date: January 17th
Cast: Bruce Campbell (Finnick 'Flint' Ryan), Arnold Schwarzenegger (King), Logan Lerman (Dill), Maisie Williams (Lara), Matthew Fox (Rock), Harry Dean Stanton (The Gunslinger)


We open with a scene of prisoners being led towards a gallows, much like in the first film. One of the prisoners, Rock, moves oddly stiffly and seems entirely unresponsive to being led to his own death. One of the deputies hits him in the face to hurry him, but Rock takes the blow with little apparent pain and simply stares emotionlessly at the deputy before continuing along. A few minutes later and Rock and the other prisoners are standing on the gallows with nooses around their necks. The sheriff pulls the lever for the trapdoor, but as soon as Rock falls, the beam of gallow collapses as if pulled down by a superior weight. It brings the rest of the gallows down around it, to the shock and panic of the townsfolk. There doesn’t appear to be any survivors in the rubble, although one hand can be seen poking out of the debris. A nervous deputy slowly approaches and becomes aware of a low ticking sound coming from the hand. He leans in to take a closer look, only for the hand to grab him around the throat. Rock emerges from the rubble, seemingly unharmed, and pierces the deputy through the chest with his other hand, before snatching his gun and shooting down several more deputies with pinpoint accuracy. We then get a close up of Rock’s face and we can see part of the skin has been torn off revealing a metallic interior beneath.




We cut to Finnick ‘Flint’ Ryan lounging around in the shack he currently calls his home. After the events of the ‘The Good, the Bad and the Dead’, Flint has been touring the land alone hunting down any surviving zombies. Eventually, however, he has gotten tired of the solitude and set up a house where he lives in relative squalor, with his ‘pet’, a severed but still living zombie head he has named Toothy (despite his teeth having been removed to make him less dangerous). He is visited by Sheriff Derby of a nearby town (the one we saw at the beginning) and a group of his deputies. They have hear of Flint’s skills at eliminating the strange and want his help in subduing Rock who, after the attempted hanging, has boarded himself in a nearby saloon with several hostages. Flint reluctantly agrees, as long as he gets an assistant to work with (and to carry Toothy). The runt of the group, Dill, is assigned to help him.


Flint and the group arrive at the Saloon to find a bounty hunting group led by the faux affable ‘King’ Cartage, who Flint knows after he massacred a small village in an attempt to catch his mark. King was also hired to try and kill Rock and is making preparations to storm the joint. Flint convinces the Sheriff to let him go in first and he is given 10 minutes before King and his men will attack. Flint buckles up his gear and slowly and cooly enters the saloon in slow motion… only to get shot down within seconds by Rock. However, Flint was wearing steel plating beneath his clothes and, when Rock moves closer to confirm the death, he shoots the gun out of Rock’s hand. Holding Rock at gunpoint, he tells the hostages to escape and Rock to surrender. However, Rock ignores him and begins stepping closer. Flint shoots him near point blank in the head. Naturally it does nothing, bouncing off his steel body and Rock knocks the pistol from his hand. A fistfight starts between the two, very heavily in Rock’s favour as he flings Rock around with little real effort. Outside, 10 minutes have passed and King reveals his plan to deal with Rock. A lot of explosives. And he’s fairly unperturbed that Flint might get caught up in it. Despite Dill trying to stop him, the saloon is blown up. However, in a terminator-esque scene, a skinless robotic Rock emerges from the flames and walks slowly towards them… only for Flint (who survived by jumping into a large water barrel) to bury a hatchet in its skull, seemingly killing it for good.


Taking him apart, it is revealed that Rock is a fully functional automaton working on clockwork. Flint, curious about this technology, asks where Rock came from. The sheriff explained that Rock was part of a gang who robbed a train carrying large amounts of iron. However, he was the only one to be caught as the rest of the gang escaped with the iron. Just at that moment, a horse arrives in town carrying a dead man on its back (who Flint immediately shoots several times (“Sorry. I’ve had bad experience with dead people.”) The Sheriff recognises him as one of the deputies who was tracking the rest of Rock’s gang. King recognises that he was probably stabbed by someone and bled to death while he was escaping on his horse. On his person is a journal tracking his movements. The last entry states he and his group were searching up a lead in Weststone, a small mountainous frontier town. The Sheriff asks both Flint and King to go to the town to find Rock’s gang or the people who killed the deputy. Both agree, but Flint refuses to work with King and heads off on his own with Toothy. However, he is followed by Dill, who was impressed by Flint’s fight with Rock and, by whole-heartedly flattering his ego, convinces him to let him come along.


The two arrive at Weststone and immediately run into a confrontation with King outside the bar, after one of King’s men, Jacko, attacks a young town girl, Lara, for some imagined slight. However, the fight is broken up The Gunslinger, from the previous movie, who happens to be staying in the town. Lara, a tomboy at heart, immediately becomes enamoured with Flint, Dill and the Gunslinger and offers the three a free room at the nearby inn ran by her mother. Unfortunately, they don’t realise that by ‘a free room’, she means ‘a free room’ which they have to share (and is slightly larger than a broom closer). While in their room, after the Gunslinger nearly shoots Toothy, Dill asks why Flint keeps a severed zombie head around in the first place. Flint explains that he makes a great alarm, being able to tell when people are nearby. Not to mention, he can tell when people have been bitten by zombies and stays silent around them. Dill notes that Toothy stayed silent when he was near Rock as well.


Just at that moment, there is a knock at the door and a maid enters to change the sheets (of the one bed in the room). As she does so, Flint notices that Toothy isn’t reacting to her. Suspicious, he tries to jab her with a pin. There is a metallic clank when he does so. The maid, revealed as a automaton, responds by trying to crush Flint’s skull. A close combat fight breaks out between Flint, Dill, the Gunslinger and the Maidbot in the cramped room. Naturally, the closer quarters makes it difficult for Flint and the Gunslinger to use their guns, while the Maidbot with her superior strength is able to shrug off the attempts to restrain her. During the struggle, Toothy’s head is accidentally knocked out of the window into a barrel outside. Eventually, they are able to beat her by sticking a lit stick of dynamite in her dress and kicking her out the window. However, when they go out to check on the maid, they only find a pair of twitching, disembodied robot legs and no body, something Flint admits is ‘a little disconcerting’.


Meanwhile, King and his gang decide to haul up in a shack on the edge of town, tying up the owner and taking potshots at him for their amusement. Suddenly, one of their members, Tarn, King’s lieutenant, returns from information gathering. Apparently Rock’s gang is indeed hauled up in the town. He also got a description of some of the members, one of which sounds awfully lot like the shack owner. Just at the moment, one of the gang members taking potshots shoots the owner directly between the eyes. Naturally it doesn’t take and the owner, revealed to be an automaton, goes on a killing spree of King’s gang. However, he is eventually stopped by a newly invented gatling gun King and his gang have brought with them (two of which, to be precise)


The next morning, Flint, Dill & the Gunslinger track down Lara and her mother, the latter of whom admits the maid wasn’t actually a regular employee, instead being a member of Rock’s gang who threatened them into helping her kill the three guests. Flint asks where they can find the remainder of Rock’s gang. Lara explains that they’re linked to a mysterious inventor, Dr Katph who lives a short distance away from the town in the mountains who she believes to be their leader and/or creator. Flint decides to load up with dynamite and go after him. Dill and Lara both want to go, but he calls it too dangerous and tells them to remain behind.  As for the Gunslinger… (Flint: “Are you wanting to come too?” Gunslinger: “What? Hell no. Go get yourself killed. I don’t care.”) Little does Flint know that King’s gang have also heard about the inventor and are on their way themselves.


Flint approaches Dr Katph’s house and notices a wild dog following him. At first he tries to shoo it away before admitting to it that he didn’t really want to shoo away Dill and Lara and that he is getting kinda lonely and that he appreciates Dill’s company. He then tries to pet the dog, only to hear a metallic clunk when he touches it. (Flint: “Oh… Shit.”) Cut to Flint sprinting away screaming from a pack of automaton dogs. Back at the town, King’s gang have split into two. King’s group is going up to Dr Katph’s house, while Tarn’s group are to tear apart the town in search for any gang members hiding out. Naturally Dill has objections to this and confronts them, pretty quickly getting his ass kicked. Back at Katph’s house, Flint evades the automaton dogs by jumping through the window and boarding it up behind him with a table. While the dogs are trying to break through, Flint notices a trap door half-hidden beneath a carpet and escapes into it However, he finds himself in some sort of robotics workship where hundreds of robot torsos and body parts and heads and etc have been constructed. He also notes blueprints plastered across the wall, each of which match up with the townsfolk of Weststone.


Back in the town, Dill, with Lara’s help, runs off after Tarn tries to shoot him. The duck into an alley beside the inn, where Lara finds Toothy’s head in a barrel. Dill notices that the zombie head has no reaction to her. At that moment, Tarn walks in and shoots Lara in the head. However, Lara survives and is revealed to be an automaton, along with everyone in the town, who all start acting robotically as they turn on Tarn and his men, slaughtering them all and destroying their gatling gun. Dill and the Gunslinger manage to avoid them by hiding with the aid of Lara, who seems to still act human.


Back in Katph’s laboratory, Flint witnesses chunks of metal being melted down to make new parts and the Maidbot being repaired by other robotic exoskeletons. However, they spot him and he is forced to duck into a private room. There he finds the long-dead corpse of Dr Katph and a series of videos explaining how the Doctor was a foreign inventor who travelled to the solitude of the Wild West after corrupt officials of his own country wanted to use his inventions for war. They slaughtered his entire village, including his wife and children, in an attempt to get to him, but he escaped. Once arriving in America he became obsessed with replicating life through his robotics in the hope of resurrect the family he lost. However, to avoid a repeat of what happened, he constructed a fake village filled with automatons to throw off investigators and, if necessary, defend his work from them. He also created them to be self-sustaining and capable of rebuilding themselves with stolen parts (such as the metal shipment stolen by Rock and his gang.) His hope was that someday one of them might manage to obtain true sentience, not just preprogrammed by him. However, in case they went out of control, he created a ring that forces them to obey the wearer (which is currently on the corpse) and, if destroyed in the central forge of the factory, will cause all the automatons to shut down.


Flint decides shutting them down is the best option to deal with the robots and, after a few awkward moments trying to remove the ring from the corpse, heads towards the forge. However, he is ambushed by King and his men, who have been gatling gunning their way through the factory and drops the ring while trying to get away. King picks it up and accidentally freezes all the other robots in the factory by shouting ‘Stop’. Realising what the ring does, King decides to wield it for himself and use all the robots in the town as his own personal army, slaughtering his own men first to stop them trying to steal the ring. He also sends several robots to hunt the wounded Flint. They chase him through the factory until he manages to disable them with one of Dr Katph’s inventions, a prototype-esque taser. Realising he has no chance of reaching King as he is, Flint decides to take advantage of some of the leftover exoskeleton parts…


Meanwhile, King has returned to town and used the ring to bring all the automatons under his control. Only Lara seems unaffected by the ring’s commands for some reason. She, Dill and the Gunslinger plan to try and make their way to King’s gatling gun and use it to kill King (since he’s using other automatons as a shield to stop the Gunslinger from getting a clear shot. However, they are caught by King and dragged before him. Shocked that Lara is an automaton able to defy his commands, he orders one of the others to kill her. However, it disobeys him. Fed up, King moves to the gatling gun to end her himself, but someone shoots it to pieces before he can. We cut to see Flint walking into the square with a heavy exoskeleton suit he created from leftover parts. This new suit makes him largely bullet proof and is armed with prototasers so he is able to fight his way through the attacking automatons. He also throws spare prototasers to Dill, Lara and the Gunslinger to help him. However, King punches out Dill and takes his prototaser, guessing correctly that it will work on Flint’s suit, tazing his left arm. The two are left in a good ol’ Mexican Standoff. However, Flint shoots first, tazing Flint in the chest and seemingly taking him out for good. However, he forgets that, while the suit is disabled, Flint inside is not and the latter shoots him in the head with his real gun.


King’s control over them broken, the townspeople return to normal, but intend to eliminate Flint, Dill and the Gunslinger to conceal their secret. However, Lara stops them. Flint realises that Lara has reached the true sentience that Dr Katph hoped he could achieve and that he can’t simply destroy them all now. Instead he gifts the ring to Lara who crushes it under boot. While the town/townsfolk are being rebuilt, Flint, Dill and Lara discuss what they’re going to do now. Lara says that she wants to get out of town and see the world. Flint naturally assumes the two plan on coming to work for him, but Dill reveals he has a uncle who can give them a lift to Europe to explore, an idea Lara is on board with. The two ask if Flint wants to come as well, but he refuses, stating that the West is his home. Thus Flint is left on his own once more. As he watches Dill and Lara leave, the Gunslinger approaches. (Gunslinger: “…I think you should get a dog. It’ll be good for you.” *walks off*) We cut to Flint riding off on his horse, an automaton dog strapped to its back and Toothy’ head hanging from its jaws.

Theaters: 3262
MPAA Rating: R
Budget: $45m
Previous Film Gross: 

The Good, the Bad and the Dead: $32,262,456 million/$83,025,594 million/$158,748,745 million

Edited by Rukaio Alter
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Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Part 2

Director: Paul McGuigan

Genre: Courtroom Drama/Mystery

Date: February 28

Cast: Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Phoenix Wright), Benedict Cumberbatch (Miles Edgeworth), Michael Shannon (Manfred von Karma), Mira Opie (made-up) (Maya Fey), Jason Segal (Dick Gumshoe), Neil Patrick Harris (Larry Butz), Ben Kingsley (Judge), Bill Nighy (Uncle)



We begin with a flashback of a young Phoenix crying in a classroom. Around him his classmates (and his teacher) are all accusing him of doing something. Young Phoenix tearfully protests that he’s innocent but no-one believes him. However, suddenly, someone shouts-




We cut to Phoenix waking with a start on a courtroom bench. Maya, who woke him, tells him that ‘they’re coming’. We see Miles Edgeworth being escorted through the building in handcuffs, surrounded by police and reporters. We cut to Phoenix talking to Edgeworth in the Detention Centre. Edgeworth bitterly assumes Phoenix is there to laugh at his fall from grace. Phoenix says he wants to know what happened but Edgeworth refuses to tell him any details saying he wants Phoenix to stay out of this. Phoenix asks whether he really murdered Hammond. Edgeworth tells him to ‘think what he will’. Phoenix asks whether Edgeworth has a defense lawyer yet and Edgeworth admits everyone he has asked has already turned him down. Phoenix offers to defend Edgeworth but the latter laughs him off pointing out that Phoenix is still a newbie and that he’s not that desperate yet. Unable to get anything more out of Edgeworth, Phoenix leaves and meets up with Maya. Maya asks what they’re going to do now. Phoenix is unsure but is determined to get to the bottom of this.


The two head to Gourd Lake where the murder allegedly took place. The place is absolutely packed with sightseers. Phoenix is surprised at how many people are there, even considering the high publicity of the murder case. Maya explains that most people are there looking for Gourdy. Gourdy is a large Loch-Ness-esque creature supposedly living in Gourd Lake. A few days ago a photo was taken showing a large shadowy shape in the lake making the local news and drawing a large number of paranormal enthusiasts. Witnesses heard a loud noise seconds before the photo was taken.


The two run into Detective Gumshoe who asks whether the two are there to laugh at Edgeworth’s fall from grace. (Phoenix: “Why does everyone keep assuming that?”) Gumshoe is very downcast as he’s been unable to find any clues to help prove Edgeworth’s innocence and the rest of the police force is convinced of his guilt. Gumshoe is more than happy to give Phoenix any information he finds under the assumption that Phoenix is going to defend Edgeworth in court. Phoenix asks about the murder. Gumshoe explains that the murder took place at night just after midnight on New Years Eve/Day. Allegedly, Edgeworth and Hammond were on a boat in the middle of the lake. Hammond was shot with a pistol and fell into the lake. Edgeworth was arrested with the pistol shortly after by a cop who arrived on the scene. Phoenix asks how the cop got there so fast. Gumshoe explains that there was a witness who called the police. However before Gumshoe can give anything away about the witness, he is called back to the police precinct for a meeting.


Phoenix and Maya continue their investigation at the lake. They find a small camp by the lake where someone has set up a camera designed to automatically take photos when it hears a loud sound. Maya, naturally, sets it off multiple times. The camera’s owner, Lotta Hart, arrives and yells at the two for wasting film. Lotta claims to be a professional photographer and is at the lake to photograph meteor showers. Phoenix explains how they’re there to investigate the murder. Lotta claims to know nothing about it. Upon hearing that Lotta has been camping there for several days, Phoenix asks whether her camera might have caught something. After all, a gunshot would probably be loud enough to set it off. Lotta agrees to check the film and finds two photos from the night of the murder. One of them (taken 11:50pm) is just an empty lake but the other (taken 12:15am) shows two men on a boat, one of whom is firing a gun at the other. However, it’s too dark to make out either of their faces. Lotta tells the two that seeing the photos reminded her of something. She witnessed the murder that night (Phoenix: “How do you even forget something like that?!”) and leaves to give the police her statement.


Phoenix and Maya go to leave as well when suddenly, they run into Larry Butz who, having been fired from his bellboy job, is currently working selling ‘Samurai Dogs’, a hotdog stall based on the popular in-universe show the Steel Samurai (which Maya is a huge fan of). When asked about the murder Larry is shocked that Edgeworth would do such a thing. When the three went to school together, Edgeworth was always a sweet kid who wanted to be just like his father, Gregory Edgeworth, who was a high profile defence lawyer. Phoenix remembers that and admits he was surprised that Miles became a prosecutor instead. Larry wonders whether the change in Miles had something to do with the event that caused him to transfer schools when they were kids. Phoenix is surprised at this as he never found out what caused Miles to transfer. Larry can’t remember the details very well but remembers the papers called it the DL-6 Incident. Maya (who at this point has been stuffing her face with Samurai Dogs) recognises the name from somewhere and suggests they go and look it up in Mia’s files.


They return to the office and find a rather hefty file on the DL-6 Incident. It turns out that the incident refers to the murder of Miles’s father who was shot in a courtroom elevator. While one suspect was charged with the crim, he was later proven innocent and to this date the case remains unsolved. Phoenix realises that the statute of limitations is due to run out in 3 days causing the case to be shut forever. Thanks to Redd White, a lot of the case file is incomplete and missing information. However, Maya manages to find something important. The attorney who defended the suspect in that case was none other than Robert Hammond.


At that moment, Gumshoe arrives. He’s annoyed that Phoenix isn’t going to be defending Edgeworth in court. Phoenix says that there’s nothing he can do about since Edgeworth keeps refusing his aid. Gumshoe tells him not to give up and that despite Edgeworth’s cold demeanour, he actually really respects Phoenix as a lawyer, especially after Phoenix beat him in court. Phoenix asks why Gumshoe is so loyal to Edgeworth. Gumshoe explains that Edgeworth is always incredibly respectful and supportive of the police and their investigation. (Gumshoe: “And he yells at me the least!”) Phoenix agrees to go visit Edgeworth again and confronts him about what he’s learned. Edgeworth admits he tried to drive Phoenix away because he didn’t want him to learn about the DL-6 incident and didn’t want to drudge up bad memories. Phoenix offers to defend Edgeworth in court once more. Edgeworth agrees. However, Edgeworth believes Phoenix has no chance as Manfred von Karma has been assigned to prosecute. Von Karma is Edgeworth’s mentor and the most prestigious prosecutor in the world, having gone through his 40-year career without losing a single case. It is said he’d do anything to get a guilty verdict and that he’s completely ruthless, to the point where there are rumours he forges evidence. In his entire career, he only had one mild black spot when it was proven he’d used false evidence, but he still managed to win the case. Phoenix is shaken but still determined. They’re about to discuss what happened on the night of the murder when suddenly a minor earthquake hits. Nothing is majorly damaged but Edgeworth passes out apparently from fright.


The next morning, the trial is about to begin. Phoenix meets a sleepy-looking Maya outside the courtroom. Maya reveals that she was up all night trying to channel Mia (in the hope of finding out more about the DL-6 incident) but has been unsuccessful, having been out of training for too long. Gumshoe arrives, pleased that Phoenix took up Edgeworth’s case. Phoenix asks about Edgeworth’s behaviour during the earthquake yesterday. Gumshoe reveals that Edgeworth has a major phobia of earthquakes. At that moment, Edgeworth and Manfred von Karma both arrive, Edgeworth being visibly frightened of the latter. Von Karma bluntly tells Phoenix that the latter has zero chance and that he should give up now in the face of the absolute perfection that is Manfred von Karma. (Phoenix: “Well….. at least he’s not egotistical or anything….”)


The trial begins and Von Karma quickly terrifies the judge into obedience with his domineering nature. Gumshoe is called to testify about the case. He explains that a man called the police about the incident at 12:30. The police quickly arrived at Gourd Lake and found Edgeworth. A boat was found nearby along with a pistol with fingerprints from Edgeworth’s right hand on it. Shortly after, Hammond’s body was found in the lake and they had to arrest Edgeworth. Especially since the bullet in Hammond’s body matches the gun found. Despite Gumshoe actively trying to discredit his own testimony, Phoenix is unable to make any dents in Von Karma’s case. Von Karma also has a witness who saw the moment of the murder and decides to call her up after bullying the judge into calling a 10-minute recess. During the recess, Phoenix confronts Edgeworth about the pistol and the evidence Gumshoe presented. Edgeworth explains that he and Hammond went out together in the boat. Suddenly, there were two loud gunshots seemingly from nowhere and Hammond fell off the boat. Edgeworth wondered whether he had committed suicide. Phoenix asks how his fingerprints got on the gun. Edgeworth admits that, after Hammond fell off the boat, Edgeworth saw a gun on the floor of the boat and, without thinking, picked it up.


The trial recommences and Lotta Hart is called up to testify. She testifies that she was working by the lake when she heard a gunshot. She looked up and saw ‘two gents in a boat’. Then she heard another gunshot and one of the men fell off. There were no other boats in the lake. She also provides the photographs that she showed Phoenix and Maya earlier. Her testimony is rather vague and Phoenix suspects Von Karma deliberately fed her such lines to obscure any problems. However, his attempts to cross-examine Lotta are constantly obstructed by Von Karma. Von Karma quickly becomes fed up of Phoenix’s attempts and orders the judge to end the cross-examination and declare Edgeworth guilty. As Phoenix has been unable to raise any serious problems with Lotta’s testimony, the judge is forced to agree. Phoenix objects but is told that he may be held in contempt of court if he continues. The judge is about to hand down his judgement when Maya loudly interrupts shouting at Lotta that her testimony is fishy due to its vagueness and how unclear it is that she actually saw Edgeworth. Lotta is offended by this and claims she definitely saw Edgeworth, clear as day. Maya is held in contempt of court and arrested but Phoenix realises she’s given him the opportunity he needs.




Phoenix points out that Lotta has just claimed she definitely saw Edgeworth. Yet in her previous testimony, she only claimed to have seen ‘two gents in a boat’. Von Karma asks if there’s a point to this. Phoenix presents the photograph Lotta took and points out that, in it, it is far too dark to make either of the men out. And if a professional camera is unable to provide a clear enough image of the two men to identify them, how could Lotta? The judge admits that Phoenix has a point and asks Lotta to explain. Lotta claims she had a pair of binoculars around her neck and, upon hearing the gunshot, looked through them to identify Edgeworth.




Phoenix asks Lotta why, if she was at the lake to photograph shooting stars, she had binoculars with her rather than a more appropriate telescope? Lotta is taken back by this and Phoenix admits he has doubts she was there to photograph shooting stars at all. After all, if she was, why would she position her camera to take photos of the lake rather than the sky? And why would it react to loud noises? The judge asks what Lotta was doing there if not to photograph shooting stars. Phoenix states that there’s only one possible explanation. She was there to photograph Gourdy, the mysterious creature supposedly living in the lake. When Gourdy was first spotted, a loud noise was beforehand which was why Lotta set her camera to take photos whenever a loud noise was heard. Lotta, embarrassed, admits Phoenix is telling the truth. Von Karma points out this the reason the witness was at the lake is completely superfluous to the case (Von Karma: “No matter how ridiculously foolish it proves her to be!” Lotta: “Hey, I’m right here you know…”) However, Phoenix points out that if Lotta was hunting Gourdy then the boat is the last place she would look upon hearing a loud noise. She’d be scanning the lake for Gourdy.


Upon hearing this, Lotta sheepishly admits she may have scanned the lake a bit and may not quite have witnessed the exact moment of murder. She also admits she mostly decided to testify because she thought it would be exciting to be a witness. She even tried to help the investigation by sizing up the-. Before she can finish, Von Karma loudly objects and states the witness is no longer of use to the trial and should step down. Phoenix notices he’s nervous about something and realises Lotta must’ve enlarged the photo to get a closer look at the men on the boat. Lotta confirms this but says that Von Karma told her not to present it. Upon being confronted this information Von Karma admits he did so but only because the enlarged photo was of no extra use to the investigation as it is still too dark for either of the men’s identity to be revealed. Phoenix, sensing Von Karma doesn’t want the photo shown, asks for it to be presented anyway. While the outlines of the two men and the gun can be seen much more clearly in the left hand of one of the men, neither can be accurately identified like Von Karma said. Thus, as Von Karma claims, it has no bearing on the case.




Phoenix points out that the gunman is holding the gun in his left hand. The fingerprints found on the gun, belonging to Edgeworth, were from his right hand. This is a clear contradiction and raises serious doubts as to whether Edgeworth was really the shooter. The judge asks who the shooter could be if it wasn’t Edgeworth. Phoenix suggests that the true shooter was the victim himself and that it was actually a suicide.




Karma interrupts and tells the court that this is quite impossible. While doing ballistics, the police were able to calculate the distance the bullet travelled before hitting Hammond. It was at about a meter completely ruling out the possibility that the victim shot himself. However, the contradiction between Edgeworth’s fingerprints and the gunman’s left hand still remain. The judge orders a postponement of the court until the next day to sort out these discrepancies much to Von Karma’s annoyance.


After the trial is over, Phoenix meets with Edgeworth who is equally clueless over the how the bullet could’ve travelled over a meter before hitting Hammond. Edgeworth tells Phoenix that Maya is currently in the Detention Centre and tells him that she should be more careful with what she says in court in the future. Phoenix is naturally slightly pissed off at Edgeworth for saying this since she got in trouble helping him. Outside the Detention Centre, Phoenix runs into Gumshoe who thanks him for doing so well in court. (Gumshoe: “I mean sure, it seemed like you were making it all up as you went along but I know you’re craftier than that!” Phoenix: “Uh… sure.”) Phoenix asks what Von Karma’s strategy for the next trial will be. Gumshoe believes he’s going to call the other witness to the murder, the one who called the police in the first place. Phoenix wonders why Von Karma didn’t call him the first day. He also asks Gumshoe how much Maya’s bail is going to be. Gumshoe explains that Edgeworth already paid the bail for her and that she’s free to go.


Phoenix and Maya reunite and he fills her in about the case. Maya suggests that they go and talk to Lotta again reasoning that, while she may not have actually witnessed the crime, there may be something else that Von Karma told her to keep hidden. The two go back to Gourd Lake and find Lotta who admits there was something important Von Karma told her not to mention. However, she’s still annoyed at the two for showing her up in court so she’ll only give them the information if they get her some information on Gourdy in return. Phoenix reluctantly agrees. Maya suggests asking Larry if he knows anything.


The two head over to Larry’s ‘Samurai Dog’ stall and find a huge inflatable Steel Samurai balloon with flags wrapped around it. Larry explains that he got the balloon a month ago to help sell his Samurai Dogs and that it’s been a huge success drawing in tourists so far. Phoenix asks why it wasn’t around yesterday and Larry nervously claims the compressor was broken. Larry asks how the trial went. (Phoenix: “I thought you were going to turn up and watch?” Larry: “I was, but I had a steaming hot date. *long pause* Fine, I actually overslept.”) Phoenix fills Larry in on what happened and asks whether he knows anything useful about Gordy. Larry claims not to. Phoenix then asks whether Larry knew about Edgeworth’s fear of earthquakes. Larry admits he doesn’t remember Edgeworth having any phobias while they were at school.


While they’re talking, Detective Gumshoe turns up, having overheard the conversation. He tells them that Edgeworth’s fear of earthquakes was probably due to what happened in the DL-6 incident. Phoenix asks Gumshoe about the incident. Gumshoe explains nearly 15 years ago, Miles Edgeworth, his father Gregory and a bailiff, Yanni Yogi, were in an elevator when an earthquake struck the courthouse and they became trapped. Several hours later, rescue teams broke in to find Miles and the bailiff unconscious due to oxygen deprivation and Gregory dead from a gunshot wound. The bailiff’s gun was found to be the murder weapon and, naturally, the bailiff was charged with the crime. However, Robert Hammond managed to get him proven innocent somehow. Gumshoe offers to get the two the full case files. Before Gumshoe leaves, Phoenix asks if he has anything useful to help them find Gourdy. Gumshoe is pissed off that they’re looking for a sea monster rather than clue to help Edgeworth but, after the two explain why, he lends them a handheld metal detector. (Phoenix: “This is the high-tech police gear you’re giving us?” Gumshoe: “Look pal, we’re pretty underfunded at the moment.”)


After Missile drags them across the park looking for bones, Phoenix and Maya manage to find in a bush, a damaged air tank with a string of flags wrapped around it. Remembering how Larry’s Steel Samurai balloon had a similar string of flags wrapped around it, they go to confront him about it. Larry nervously denies having anything to do with it. Phoenix realises that Larry must’ve used the air tank to inflate the Steel Samurai balloon. Larry, realising Phoenix is in his ‘lawyer mode’ admits he used it once to inflate his balloon but a valve burst and sent it flying into the lake, along with the Steel Samurai balloon. Phoenix realises that the balloon landing in the lake was likely the large shadowy shape people mistook for Gourdy. Phoenix and Maya explain this to Lotta who, in return, tells them that the second witness Von Karma plans on calling is the old man who runs the nearby boat house. 


Phoenix and Maya travel to the boathouse and meet the old man, named ‘Uncle’. Uncle lives alone with his pet parrot Polly and is somewhat insane, believing Phoenix and Maya to be his kids Keith and Meg and insisting Phoenix takes over his noodle shop when he dies. He then promptly falls asleep. Phoenix decides there’s probably not much more they can learn and that they should prepare for the trial tomorrow. Maya, meanwhile, is playing with the parrot but is surprised when the parrot starts squawking ‘Don’t forget  DL-6’!


The next morning, the trial is about to begin. Before Phoenix is about to enter the courtroom, Gumshoe arrives with a more detailed summary of the DL-6 incident.


12/28, 2001

Elevator, District Court

Air in elevator was oxygen depleted at time of incident.

No clues found on the scene.



Victim Data- Gregory Edgeworth (Age 35)

Defense Attorney.

Trapped in elevator returning from a lost trial with son Miles (Age 9).

One bullet found in heart. The murder weapon was fired twice. The second bullet was not found.


Suspect Data- Yanni Yogi (Age 37)

Court bailiff, trapped with the Edgeworths.

Suffered memory loss and probably brain damage due to oxygen deprivation.

After his arrest, fiancée Polly Jenkins committed suicide.


Shortly after, the trial begins. Von Karma begins by confidently stating that he expects today’s trial to be finished in 5 minutes. He calls ‘Uncle’ to the witness stand, introducing him as the boathouse owner. Phoenix notices that he didn’t state Uncle’s real name and asks why. Von Karma claims it irrelevant to the case. However, when Phoenix pushes, Von Karma reveals that Uncle is unable to remember anything past a few years. However, he remembers enough about the murder to testify. Uncle testifies that he heard two gunshots shortly after midnight and saw Edgeworth returning in his boat muttering under his breath how ‘[he] can’t believe that man is dead’. Phoenix is unable to find any contradictions in his testimony and Von Karma orders the judge to hand down his judgement. Phoenix objects pointing out that the discrepancy with the fingerprints has yet to be explained. However, Von Karma points out that Edgeworth could’ve simply wiped the gun clean of prints and then accidentally placed his right hand on it, explaining the discrepancy. With Phoenix unable to come up with any objections, the Judge is about to declare Edgeworth guilty when…




Larry Butz bursts into the courtroom much to everyone’s surprise. Larry explained that he was in the park on the night of the murder and that he’s only just remembered but he also heard the gunshots and demands to testify. Von Karma angrily refuses to let him and orders the judge to pass down his judgement. Phoenix, seeing his chance, demands Larry be allowed to testify. The judge, believing every witness should be heard before a judgement is decided, agrees much to Von Karma’s frustration (especially since 5 minutes have now passed).


Larry gives his testimony explaining that he was out on the lake looking for the Steel Samurai balloon that had gone flying. Just as he was arriving back at the dock, he heard a single gunshot. However, he didn’t see any boats on the lake (although he admits he didn’t look very hard). Von Karma points out that this is nothing they haven’t heard before and demands that they end the trial now.




Phoenix points out that there is a contradiction in Larry’s testimony. He claimed only to have heard one gunshot. However, Lotta Hart and Uncle both claimed to have heard two. At this, Larry sheepishly admits he might’ve missed the second gunshot since he was listening to the radio on his headphones at the time. There is a long awkward pause. Von Karma wonders if he’s allowed to hold Phoenix in contempt of court for allowing this. Phoenix is visibly facepalming. Larry protests that he definitely heard at least one gunshot. He could even remember that the radio speaker was celebrating about how it’s almost New Year at the exact moment he heard the shot. Something about this statement strikes Phoenix




Phoenix points out that Lotta and Uncle both claimed to have heard two gunshots at 00:15. Or, to be precise, after midnight. However, if the radio host was talking about how it’s ‘almost New Years’ then the gunshot Larry heard must’ve taken place before midnight. Von Karma claims that Larry is simply mistaken. However, Phoenix says he has evidence that isn’t the case and presents the photo Lotta’s camera took at 11:50 when there was nothing on the lake. The camera is designed to go off when it hears a loud noise like a gunshot. It’s possibly the gunshot Larry heard was responsible for setting off the camera at that time. In addition, the murder weapon was fired three times yet only two shots were previously accounted for. Phoenix suggests that there were two sets of gunshots that night. One at 11:50 which Larry heard and two more at 12:15 which Lotta and Uncle heard. Von Karma asks why there would be two sets of gunshots. Maya asks Phoenix why the other gunshot is important. After all, Edgeworth and Hammond were both alive and unshot when they got on the boat at 12:15. At these words Phoenix suddenly hits on an epiphany and loudly announces to the court that they’ve been thinking about this entire case the wrong way.


The judge asks what exactly Phoenix means. Phoenix explains that the entire case hinged upon the idea that Edgeworth and Hammond set off in the boat together. But what if that wasn’t the case? After all, it was dark that night and Edgeworth didn’t know Hammond’s face that well. Phoenix theorises that it wasn’t Hammond on the boat that night, but the murderer instead. The murderer called Edgeworth up under the guise of Hammond and arranged to meet. The murderer then killed the real Hammond before Edgeworth arrived and disposed of the body in the lake. Edgeworth and the murderer (disguised as Hammond) sailed into the middle of the lake. Then the murderer drew his gun and fired twice into the water before diving into the lake, dropping the gun in the boat. To anyone watching from the shore, it would appear like Edgeworth had shot the other man in the boat. The murderer then made his way back to dry land and claimed ignorance of the whole thing. The court is stunned into silence at this revelation and the judge asks Phoenix who he believes could’ve done such a thing. Phoenix claims there’s only one possible suspect and dramatically points at the boathouse owner, Uncle!


The judge, surprised, asks him to explain why he’s the only possible suspect. Phoenix explains that Hammond was likely murdered somewhere on the grounds of Gourd Lake, specifically somewhere private. At the time of the murder, Larry was returning his boat to the boathouse and was listening to loud music on his headphones. Therefore the gunshot must’ve been quite close. The only place close and private enough is the boathouse itself. In addition, Uncle fits the general body type of Hammond and was the first person to call the authorities as well as, according to his testimony, being in the area at the time. The judge admits his reasoning makes sense, despite Von Karma’s objections, and insists on having Uncle called up again. However, the bailiffs report that, while they weren’t looking, he slipped away and is nowhere to be found. The court bursts into murmurs and the Judge calls an end to proceedings while Uncle is tracked down.


The next day, Phoenix visits Edgeworth in his cell, pleased that they’ve likely found the true murderer. Edgeworth admits that Phoenix’s version of events match up with what he remembers, but suspects that Von Karma won’t be defeated so easily. He also admits he’s been plagued with bad dreams about the DL-6 incident. Phoenix asks what he remembers about the murder. Edgeworth admits that, due to the low oxygen, he lost most of his memories, but he does remember a gunshot and this horrific scream. He also reveals that the bailiff, Yanni Yogi got off because Robert Hammond successfully argued that the low oxygen caused him permanent brain damage, making him incapable of pulling the trigger at the time of the murder. This was what led him at the time to hate defense attorneys but, nowadays, he’s starting to believe there’s something important he forgot about that case. He asks to be left alone so Phoenix and Maya leave, running into Larry on the way out. Larry is naturally incredibly smug that his testimony made such a difference in the case. He also brings up a class trial Phoenix remembers having taken part in years ago, but Phoenix changes the subject before a curious Maya can ask more.


The two then head down the boathouse. The place has already been turned upside down by police but, since Uncle is nowhere to be found, most, including Gumshoe, have left the place to continue their manhunt. While Phoenix looks over to see if there’s anything they’ve missed, Maya plays with Uncle’s pet parrot, Polly. However, to both their surprise, Polly ends up saying ‘Don’t forget DL-6!’ Realising this means Uncle might have some connections to that case, Phoenix works with Maya to try and get Polly to say anything else useful. Polly ends up directing them to a book hidden behind a bookcase, inside which is a letter offering Uncle a chance to get revenge on the ‘two men who ruined your life, Miles Edgeworth and Robert Hammond’. Phoenix comes to the conclusion that Uncle is the only person involved in the DL-6 currently unaccounted for, Yanni Yogi. However, the letter shows there is still someone else involved in the crime, who gave Yanni advice on how to pull the murder off. Phoenix thinks he recognises the handwriting from somewhere and realises that it’s Von Karma’s.


Uncertain what Von Karma might have to do with the DL-6 case and all of this, Phoenix and Maya go to visit Edgeworth to find out more about the man. Edgeworth is surprised at their allegations, but admits the handwriting in the letter looks like Von Karma’s. Phoenix asks if Von Karma has ever been caught doing something criminal before. Edgeworth denies it, but remembers that once in his career, Von Karma received a penalty for using false evidence, the only black mark in his long career. It was so traumatic to him that he ended up taking a several month vacation. The defense lawyer who helped penalise him was actually Edgeworth’s father and Edgeworth believes Von Karma took him on as a pupil out of respect for his father. With Edgeworth unable to provide any tangible connection between Von Karma and DL-6, Phoenix decides to study the DL-6 case file at police headquarters in hope of finding a clue. Before they leave, Edgeworth admits parts of his memory about that incident are becoming clear and he is starting to feel incredibly guilty about something.


At police headquarters, Phoenix and Maya arrive to find the place near empty (due to the manhunt). They go to the evidence room, only to find Von Karma taking out all copies of the DL-6 case file and evidence. Phoenix confronts Von Karma about the letter, which Von Karma admits he wrote. However, he knows he is such a respected figure among the police that, without conclusive evidence, Phoenix will be unable to charge him. Phoenix points out he has the letter. (Von Karma: “Not for long.”) Von Karma tases him. The last thing Phoenix sees before he blacks out is Maya leaping at Von Karma. He regains consciousness an hour later, only to find Maya unconscious beside him and the burnt ashes of the letter on the ground before him. Maya wakes up and explains she also got tased, but managed to grab something from the evidence Von Karma was taking. It is the bullet used to kill Gregory Edgeworth. They also receive a phonecall from Gumshoe explaining that Uncle has been caught and that the trial will be reconvened later that day.


We cut to just before the trial. Edgeworth is still wracked with guilt over something and, while Phoenix is confident they can wrangle a confession out of Uncle/Yanni Yogi, trying to link Von Karma to the whole thing may be a lot more difficult. The trial begins, with Von Karma naturally acting ignorant of what happened yesterday. Uncle is naturally brought up to testify first. He claims he left the courtroom early not because he was running away, but because he needed to fetch birdfeed for his pet parrot. He figured he wasn’t needed because he had no connection to the case and had no motive. Phoenix objects, claiming he has a connection to the DL-6 incident, but when Von Karma asks him to provide proof of this, Phoenix realises he only has the word of the parrot to go on. So he insists the parrot is brought in to testify, to the general confusion of the entire court. (Von Karma: “This is possibly the most farcical thing I’ve ever seen.”) Phoenix tries to persuade the bird to say ‘Don’t forget DL-6’, but it refuses. Phoenix realises Von Karma must’ve trained it beforehand so it wouldn’t slip up and reveal the connection. (Phoenix: “That is possibly the most farcically petty thing I’ve ever heard.”) However, Phoenix is still able to trick the parrot into revealing a connection by bringing up Polly Jenkins, Yanni Yogi’s fiancé who committed suicide.


Realising the gig is up, Uncle/Yanni Yogi drops the eccentric act and admits he was responsible for Hammond’s murder and for framing Edgeworth. He reveals that 15 years ago, after the DL-6 incident, he was convinced by Robert Hammond to act brain damaged to clear his name. However, because of this, after the trial he ended up losing everything, his job, his fiancée, even his ability to act normal. Hammond didn’t care because he had won his trial. Then, earlier in the year, a letter and a pistol arrive for him, with a plan detailing exactly how to take revenge on Hammond and Edgeworth (the other person involved in this case). Yanni is taken away and the Judge agrees Edgeworth’s name has been cleared. However, Von Karma seems strangely calm. Edgeworth takes the stand and the judge is about to pronounce him innocent when-




To everyone’s surprise, Edgeworth is the one who objects. He reveals that, while he may be innocent of this crime, there is another he is guilty of. Specifically, the DL-6 Incident. His memories have returned. He reveals that, while trapped in the lift, Gregory and Yanni began to argue and fight. Yanni’s gun was dropped onto the floor and, trying to break up their fight, the young Miles Edgeworth picked up the gun and flung it at them. After that, he recalls a gunshot and the sound of a horrific scream before he passed out. The court is in uproar over this revelation. The Judge is uncertain how to proceed with this revelation, especially as the statute of limitations for the DL-6 incident runs out today. Von Karma suggests they hold a trial here and now to establish Edgeworth’s guilt. Surprisingly, Phoenix seems okay with this and he tells the surprised court that he is going to prove Edgeworth is innocent of that crime. Maya asks what he’s playing at. Phoenix explains this is his best chance to prove a connection between Von Karma and this case. Maya asks if he has a plan. (Phoenix: “Wing it and hope for the best.”)


The cross examination of Edgeworth’s testimony begins. At first Phoenix is slightly stuck, however, when Edgeworth emphases that he heard a single shot, Phoenix notices a contradiction. He points out that the murder weapon was actually fired twice  and one of the shots is still unaccounted for. Thus it’s possible there was a second shooter. However, Von Karma objects right back, pointing out that just because two bullets had been fired it doesn’t necessarily mean they were both fired during the incident or even on the same day. Yanni may just have forgotten to reload it after he used it last. In addition, a second bullet was not found at the crime scene. Phoenix admits he has a good point. Suddenly, Maya notices, from a picture of the DL-6 crime scene they obtained earlier that there is a hole in one of the lift doors that looks suspiciously like a bullet hole. Phoenix brings this up as proof the second bullet was fired at the crime scene and thus there must’ve been two shooters. However, Karma points out once more that no second bullet was found at the crime scene and that the bullethole was probably just a normal hole. Phoenix admits he can’t find a good explanation for the missing bullet and it looks like the case against Edgeworth is airtight, unless… wait…




Phoenix states that the reason the second bullet doesn’t exist at the crime scene was because the murderer took it! Von Karma scoffs at this, asking how the murderer could’ve a) found the bullet, b ) removed it and c) gone to all that trouble when there was a possibility he could be found at any moment. Phoenix stumbles over this reasoning and in his panic suggests that the murderer took the bullet because he had to. Von Karma asks what could possibly be so incriminating about the bullet that the murder would have to take it with him. Panicked, Phoenix suggests that maybe it had his fingerprint or a discrepancy or maybe it hit him or- The court pauses at that last one and Phoenix realises it makes an odd amount of sense for the situation. If the murderer was someone standing outside the lift door and Miles throwing the gun caused it to shoot the door, then it’s possible the murderer might’ve been hit. In that case, taking the bullet would simple and necessary since it would’ve been inside the murderer. Von Karma naturally object pointing out that such a thing is preposterous and that no-one involved in the incident (or in the area) suffered any gunshot wounds at that time. Phoenix admits he has a point, but that must be the explanation. Perhaps the murderer treated himself, but-




Phoenix suddenly recalls what Edgeworth told him about Von Karma and how, after he was given a black mark on his record by Gregory Edgeworth, he took several months vacation. Phoenix puts two and two together and realises that Von Karma took that vacation not for the break but because he was recuperating from being injured. Therefore he must’ve been the murderer in the DL-6 Incident, also explaining his connection to the case. Phoenix explains this and formally accuses Von Karma of the murder. Von Karma is initially shocked, but he scoffs off Phoenix’s claims, telling him to bring proof that he had surgery at that time to remove the bullet. Realising Von Karma wouldn’t be so confident if he had left behind evidence of his surgery, Phoenix is momentarily stumped… until he realises that if Von Karma didn’t have surgery, that would leave the bullet still inside his body. Von Karma visibly starts freaking out when Phoenix brings this up, especially when Phoenix reveals he still has the police metal detector with him to test this. On the verge of breakdown, Von Karma admits he has a bullet in his shoulder but that it’s from an earlier incident and that Phoenix can’t prove it’s from the DL-6 incident, especially since Von Karma removed all the evidence.




Phoenix brings out the bullet Maya managed to snatch from him and points out they can compare ballistics between the two bullets to prove they were fired by the same weapon. Von Karma goes into full Villainous Breakdown at this, letting out a scream that Edgeworth recognises as the same one he heard in his nightmares of the DL-6 incident. We flash back to the DL-6 Incident. Von Karma is standing outside the lift door when Miles throws the gun to stop Gregory and Yanni fighting. It goes off and hits Von Karma in the shoulder. Shortly after, Miles, Gregory and Yanni pass out from lack of oxygen. Von Karma enters the lift and, out of jealousy against Gregory for ruining his perfect record, fatally shoots him.


Back in the present and a delirious Von Karma has been arrested from Gregory Edgeworth’s murder and Miles has been declared innocent. Outside the courtroom, Phoenix and Edgeworth are met by Larry and Gumshoe who are overjoyed at the results. Edgeworth thanks Phoenix for bringing to light the truth of that incident and clearing his name, even after he had given up on his own innocence. Phoenix states he’s only paying him back for what happened in the class trial when they were children. Apparently a child’s lunch money was stolen during a PE lesson and Phoenix, being the only one to sit out, was blamed. However, he was defended by a young Edgeworth who (even though it was his money stolen) insisted Phoenix be treated as innocent until he was proven guilty. Edgeworth and Larry were the only ones to stick up for Phoenix, hence why he became close friends with them. Larry reminisces fondly on that time and accidentally admits he was the one who stole the lunch money, to the consternation of everyone else. Maya suggests as celebration, they all go out for Chinese, Edgeworth and Gumshoe included. But Phoenix is paying…



Theaters: 3434

MPAA Rating: PG 13

Budget: $12m

Previous Film Gross: 

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney Part 1: 14,496,471 million/63,675,590 million/167,824,638 million 

Edited by Rukaio Alter
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Two Lonely Zookeepers

Studio: Hunt Productions

Genre: drama

Director: John Lee Hancock

Budget: 43M

Release date: January 17th

Theatre count: 3,305

Runtime: 121 minutes

Rating: R


Tom Cruise - Jack Felder

Ansel Elgort- Ryan Thomas

Willow Shields- Maya Felder

David Oyelowo- Ron Taylor

Vanessa Hudgens- Jenifer


Ryan Thomas is seen laying out on a beach. His girlfriend comes up from out in the water to lay by his side. She asks him what he wants to do later that evening only to realize that he is sleeping. She scoffs and sits there for a few moments before she gets up takes her things and leaves. She turns around to scream “fuck you" at the still sleeping (Ryan) Thomas. A couple hours later we see Ryan wake up, take a look around and mutter “shit

(Flash forward an unspecified amount of time) Ryan is seen sitting in a small office with Ron Taylor. We see Ron flipping through papers on his clipboard. He glances up at Ryan who smiles reassuringly. Ron looks over the papers one more time before he speaks “ Well Mr. Thomas you seem plenty qualified for the job and we have been a bit understaffed as of recently... Can you start work on Monday?" Ryan stands up excitedly and shakes Ron's hand saying “Of course sir, I'm excited to be part of the program here." The two start walking towards the door together Ron chuckling a little bit

We see Ryan walking through the parking lot getting into his car ( which is somewhat beat up looking)

Next he is shown laying in his bed back in his apartment and then in the next shot he is asleep with his alarm clock ringing

We see Ryan walking through the same parking lot that we did earlier, this time he is shown passing a sign which says Welcome to the Zoo.

Ryan is now standing in front of the Pola Bear exhibit where the Pola Bears are sitting lazily and there is no people around. A voice from behind him says “how much do you know about Polar Bears?" Ryan turns around and begins to speak quickly “They are carnivorous mammals that live in the..." The man puts his hands up and says “slow down kid," reaching his hand out for and hand shaken he continues “I'm Jack Felder" Ryan continues to stare dumbly at Jack. Jack walks over and sits down on the ledge of the window that separates viewers from the Polar Bears. Ryan hesitates before following in that suite “Kid that's how you scare away visitors." You need to be warm and inviting"

Ryan nods and turns around to look at the Polar Bears “How much do you know about them?" He asks. Jack replies “not as much as I should, I've spent lots of time with them, but I can't say I've done much research on them." Jack points through the window “That little one out there his name is Koda, and over there thats Maya, and.... Where is he... Oh there's Beeman." Jack turns back around and says “giving them names makes them more human " After a brief silence the two lock eyes and Ryan says “Do you wanna go for a drink after work

Ryan pulls into the parking lot of a local bar. When he walks inside he looks around and sees Jack waving him over. Ryan walks over to Jack and sit beside him at the bar. Jack looks at him and says “Well how was the first day of work" Ryan hesitates to order a drink before responding “Well it wasn't particularly exciting..." Jack interjects “Why is that?" Ryan says “Well... There weren't many people there" Jack takes a sip of his drink before replying “To be fair we haven't been busy much lately" Ryan says “Don't you find that disappointing? I came here because I wasn't doing anything with my life and I was hoping that there was someone who would appreciate my work, I know its not a monumental task but I saw the opening and figured that maybe it was a start." Jack smiles and says “The animals well."

Ryan glances around the bar before asking “How long have you worked there, at the Zoo?" Jack sighs and says “ twenty, maybe twenty one"

Ryan whistles asking “And What is it that has compelled you in the morning to get your ass out of bed and go work at the Zoo for the past twenty years?" Jack says cooly “ Just trying to fill holes in my life at first but I found a place that really mattered to me" Jack looks at Ryan and smiles “It hasn't found its way into your heart yet but it well." Ryan laughs and says “cheers to looking after wild ass animals and whatever else we do."

The next day Ryan is at work and you see him listening to Jack talk to visitors as he talks about manatees. Ryan stops leans against the wall and listens to what Jack Has to say and then walks away.

We see Ryan and another female zookeeper feeding some of the animals. Next we see Ryan looking over the lion pen and Jack walks up beside. “How's your day been" Jack asks happily. Ryan smirks and replies “not too bad. The lemurs are a bit wild though" Jack nods. We see the two walking down the trails together. Jack asks “You did some of your work with Jenifer today right?" Ryan nods looking towards the giraffes. Jack stops, turns towards Ryan and says “You should ask her on a date." Ryan laughs and looks at Jack “you're serious he says." Jack replies “yeah, well..

. If I were you I'd take my advice." Ryan frowns as they pass by the Kangaroo pen “But I just met her today and my history with girls is to screw things up." Jack smirks “You and me both. Look she's a pretty girl, she's only a couple years older than you and she dumped her boyfriend a few months ago." Ryan says no Jack raises his eyebrows and says “Think about it" and they both laugh

Later that Night we see Ryan pulling into a K-Mart parking lot and get out of his car. He walks down the isles of the store grabs a carton of Milk from the fridge and on the way back up front he stops and looks at a box of doughnuts. After looking over the nutrition facts he takes those up with him to the cash register.

Next we see Ryan sitting alone in his apartment drinking milk straight out of the jug which is only 1/3 full and eating a eating half of a doughnut before throwing the other half back down in the box. A few moments later his alarm clock starts ringing. Ryan sighs.

Now we see Ryan walking through the room where he once again sees Jack talking about manatees. Ryan gives Jack a wave as he walks by

Now we see Ryan and Jenifer feeding the lemurs. “They're slightly cantankerous aren't they?" Jenifer laughs and replies “But they're cute too." Ryan finds himself smiling for a brief moment but then it fades into a kind of disappointed look. He moves on to the next cage. Jenifer follows behind him and they stand in silence for a few moments before Ryan asks “Do you like being a Zookeeper here?" Jenifer muses this thought for a moment before saying “I suppose I do, what about you are you enjoying it?" Ryan continues to feed the animals but replies “I'm really beginning to."

We see Ryan walk into the office where we learned he got the job he walks by an open door and sees Jack and Ron talking sternly neither one of them looking happy Ryan grabs the papers he came for off of a cabinet and begins to walk back towards the door out he hears Jack say “Damn it."

Next we see Jack hunched over a beer at the bar (the same bar from earlier in the film.) “Are you sure everything is alright?" Ryan asks. “Yeah it was just a minor issue." Jack mutters. Ryan looks at the bartender and says “Two shots please." Jack looks at Ryan questioningly as there shots arrive in front of them Ryan enthusiastically speaks “ Come on man, let's have a good time tonight." The two down their shots. They smile giddily at each other. Jack turns to the bartender and says “Two more shots please."

Now we see Ryan stumble out of his car and up the stairs to his apartment and unlock the door. He steps on an empty milk carton down the whole and he falls into bed.

We see Ryan drive into the K-Mart parking lot the next morning, he comes back our of K-Mart with a carton of milk which he starts drinking on the way to work.

Skip through Ryan's day at work and we see him in Jenifer after they've finished feeding the animals. He and Jenifer spend a few minutes talking before Ryan asks “Ummm... Would you like to go on a date with me some time? ” Jenifer looks around and excitedly replies “Yes." Ryan smiles and says “Awsome can you do Friday evening?" Jenifer checks her calendrr on her phone “I sure can."

“Great" Ryan says “Great" Jenifer repeats back and they walk their separate ways

Jack is sitting on a picnic table near the front of the zoo with a bag of M&Ms. Ryan comes up slides on to the table and says “I took your advise." Jack asks “What advise?Ryan says “I asked Jenifer out in a date" Jack smiles and says “I figured you would" Ryan spots the bag of M&Ms in Jack's hand.“Toss me one" he says. Jack looks at him questioningly. Ryan says “toss it up in the air I'll catch it in my mouth."Jack still looks skeptical. “Here I'll shown you." Ryan requests. Jack hands Ryan the bag. Ryan tosses an M&M high up the air leans back and catches it in his mouth. Ryan grabs another one out if the bag holds it and tosses it up and there for Jack to catch but it just bounces off his teeth and lands in the ground. Ryan laughs saying “You'll get the hang if it."

We see Ryan preparing for his date stumbling around multiple empty milk cartons in the floor.

Ryan picks Jenifer up and they go to a semi-Fancy Italian restaurant. The two sit down and share a little small talk and eat their meals. On the way out in the parking lot Ryan says “That food was garbage" she replies “Yeah... It was gross"

Ryan takes her home and heads back to his apartment. He walks inside looks in the fridge and grabs out a half empty carton of milk.

“How was the date?" Jack asks as Ryan slides next to him at the bar. “it was alright" Ryan responds as he waves the bartender over. “It didn't go well did it?" Jack asks knowingly. Ryan shrugs and says ,“It was fine... It just felt too much like a date at a nice restaurant with nice people yet everything seems so calculated." Jack nods in response. “I wanted it to go well I really did" Ryan adds. “ I know the feeling" Jack adds. They sip their drinks in silence

*montage * Ryan watching Jack talk about the animals, Ryan doing stuff with the animals, Ryan and Jack at the bar, Ryan st his apartment (sleeping, drinking milk, ect.)

We see Ryan walk into work, he sees that there is a meeting with all staff required after the park closes tonight. As he is entering the zoo Jack spots him and makes his way towards him. Jack asks “Can you take over my morning aquatic anima tour?" Ryan looks hesitant burn replies “of course." Jack puts his hand on Ryan's shoulder and says “I know you've watched me do it plenty of times. You got this." Ryan nods and Jack “Thanks" and heads off in the other direction"

We see Ryan standing in the aquatic life section waiting nervously as a few visitors trickle in. He checks his watch, 2 minutes until the tour was supposed to start a few more families came in. Ryan takes a deep breath and begins. “ Welcomed to today's first aquatic life tour where you'll see are many marvelous creatures that dwell under the sea let's start over here with the manatees." As Ryan makes his way over to the manatees he begins to get nervous. Once they get there he stammers trying to remember how Jack usually startsRyan looks up at his audience (which isn't large in size) and says “ Anyone have any good jokes about Manatees?" No one in the audience said a word. Ryan laughs and says “That's a shame the last tour group had aggregation of them." When no one in the audience laughed Ryan added “You'all understand joke when I get finished talking about manatees" By this point Ryan had gained his footing and began to go into his dissertation on manatees. When he was finished the audience applauded him

We see Ron at the front and center of a room with all the employees of the zoo bunched together I'm the room. Ron looks over the faces of the people in the room and sighs. I am so sorry to tell all of my dedicated employees here that when the season is over our beloved zoo will be closing." The workers looked shocked. Ron continues “Our attendance is at an all time low and I've put a lot of effort over the last few years to justify..." Ron begins crying but continues speaking “... To justify keeping this place going, hoping that people would return things would change but I can say now that I can't justify it..." He begins to sob harder “I can't justify not anymore." Ryan walks to Ron and gives him a hug.

Ryan goes to the bar that night to find that Jack isn't there. The bartender asks Ryan “Is there anything I can get you" Ryan shakes his head and stares off in the distance.

We see a couple shots of Ryan doing things in his apartment to establish passage of time. The tone is kind of dreary and hollow

Now we see Jack and Ryan sitting at a table alone. Jack looks up at the sky. The two remain silent. Finally Jack says “How long till the zoo closes?" Ryan checks his watch and replies “15 minutes" Jack nods and stands up “Come this way" Ryan gets up and follows. The two of them walk through the empty aquatic area. Jack says “Isn't striking to see them without anyone else here he says nodding towards the Manatees. Ryan turns around to watch. “ Watching them, observing them without distraction you can almost get lost and forget that you're human." The two just stand there in the dark room watching the Manatees swim for a while.

Finally the two walk out of the aquatic area and Ryan asks “Where are we going now." Jack responds “To see the Polar Bears."

The two of them enter the Polar Bear pin. Beeman and Koda were sleeping down on the rocks but Maya notices them right away and walked up towards them. Jack held out his hand and Maya came up and nuzzeled her head against his hand. Ryan looks in awe. Jack leans down and whispers and Maya's ear while pointing at Ryan. Maya slowly makes her way over to Ryan. Ryan takes a couple quick steps back. Jack says quietly but assertively “Just be calm and do what I did." Ryan sticks his hand out shaking. He takes a couple deep breath and he begins to stand more steady. He closes his eyes. He opens then when Maya's head reaches his hand. Maya's eyes meet Ryan's and Ryan smiles. Maya lays down right where she stood. Jack comes up and sits down next to Maya and pets her playfully. Ryan sits down next Jack and follow his lead.

Jack sighs and says “Sometimes I wish I could be Polar Bear or a Manatee." Ryan and Jack lock eyes. Jack says “I'm not coming to work the rest of this week."

“What? Why?" Ryan asks. Jack looks back up in the sky and says “This polar bear here..." Placing his hand on Maya “Ron let me name her when we first got her. I decided to name her after my one and only child." Ryan looks at Jack completely dumbfounded “I.didn't realize you had a child" Jack replied “Well I haven't seen her for many years, Tomorrow will be the first time in forever that I get to see her" Ryan sits up and says “Wow." Then he lays back down. Jack laughs “I really want things to go well tomorrow, but I'm prepared for anything I always have been." The two spend most of the rest of the night laying In that Polar Bear pen.

We see Jack dressed up fairly nice driving through a downtown area. He finds a parking space a couple blocks away from his desired location and checks his watch. He climbs out of his car and looks at the sky around him. He begins to walk over to a nice restaurant which is kinds fancy but also has an urban feel to it. Jack walks inside. A hostess asks him “How many well it be today?" Jack replies “two." She takes him over to a two person table positioned next to a window where the street can be easily viewed. A waiter comes by and asks Jack “ Can I get you anything to drink?" Jack looks up and then back down st his menu and says “ Water will be fine for now." Jack checks his watch again and taps his fingers while he looks out the window. He observes a happy family walking on the msidewalk across the street with a father carrying a little girl on his shoulders. When he looks back he sees his daughter (Maya) making her way towards the table. He begins to stand up

and say “Hey honey" but she sits down at the table and begins to look at the menu before she even makes eye contact with him

Jack sits down taken aback. He looks up at her still apparently looking over the menu. He says “So its been a while. I hear that you and ..." Maya puts the menu down on the table and says to Jack sternly “I'm only hear because mom wanted me to." Just than the waiter comes back with Jack's water. The waitress asks Maya “Would you like anything to drink mam?" Maya smiles and says “Could I get Iced tea please." The waiter replies “sure can."

Jack takes a sip of water and says “Why the hell would mom want you to see me" Maya holds up two fingers and says “ Two things. One, I have absolutely no ides why she thinks I should come to see you. Two she's not your mom she's my mom she's my mom. Your mom died from cancer four years ago but you didn't bother to go to the funeral." Jack shakes his head in disbelief “ I regret not going to her funeral but I opted to sit at a bar and drink beer and pretend that it never happened." Maya nods her head and says “That's what me and mom guessed you ran away and pretended things were fine and what was happening, none of it concerned you. Did you even take off work the next day or did you get up bright and early so you could be there to talk to a handful of uneducated losers about your God damn manatees." The waiter cokes back again with Maya's tea and asks the pair if they're ready to order. Maya's voice shifts to a much sweeter tone and she says “Could you give us a few minutes please."

She looks at Jack intently and says “Well I'm here... Do you have anything you want to say to me."

Jack shakes his heat at a loss before starting “Look I know I wasn't the best father per say and I wasn't home a lot but that was my way of coping with everything that was going in in my life at the time. I didn't mean to hurt you or your mom in the process of it all." Maya looks at him with a different kind of fire in her eyes “Mom could never find it in herself to blame you, you meant to much to her. But I think you and I can both agree that this is all your fault. You were the one who spent long nights at the bar, you were the one who didn't show up until two hours after you were supposed to to pick your daughter up from school and you were the one who spent more time taking care of those fucking Zoo animals than you did your own family." Maya stands up and begins to walk away but she stops to turn around and say “You know I'm actually glad I came to meet you today so I could express to you just how much I fucking hate you" without another hesitation Maya turns around and heads straight to the door.

We see Ryan standing in front of the polar Bear pen on a rainy day looking intently through the glass. A little kid comes up and pokes Ryan. When Ryan turns around to look at him the kid asks “How much do you know about Pola Bears?" Ryan looks back towards the bears and says “Not as much as I should, I'll never know as much as I should." The kid looks through the glass silently

Now we see Ryan on the day of the zoos closing right after it closed to the public. Ryan is taking one last walk around the zoo. We see him standing at many exhibits from the zoo (flamingos, lions, tigers, monkeys, wolves, elephants , rhinos, Kangaroos, manatees, Polar Bears so on) finally we see him standing at the lemur cage. Looking at the ground he stands and sticks two fingers in the cage. One of the lemurs climbs up towards him and puts its hand on Ryan's fingers. Ryan looks up to see all of the lemurs looking at him. Ryan is beginning into tear up. “This is it guys" he chokes out before he begins to bawl

We see Ryan get out of his car in the K-Mart parking lot and just sit by his car and bawl. Once he calms down we see him pull out his phone and call someone, he says “ Do you wanna come over? I have beer."

Next we see the two sitting solemnly in Ryan's apartment (Jack with his beer Ryan with his milk) Jack says “Do you regret working at the zoo?" Ryan looks up and says “No, not at all."

Jack looks down at the table and says “Life is a bitch sometimes." Ryan laughs and replies “no shit" Ryan grabs a bag of M&Ms from the pantry. He smiles at Jack he tosses one up in the air and Jack catches it in his mouth.

Edited by John Green is Life
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the disappointment

Studio:good.movies studio

Genre: ,comedy

Director: Adam McKay

Budget: $45M

Release dateFeb.21

Theatre count: 3,400

Runtime:95 minuyes


Cast:Rusle Brand, Harrison Ford,Matt Damon, Kaley Cuoco Johnny Manzeil

Plot: Mark(Russell Brand) starts food fight at McDonald's and gets fired. He gets home where he Is yelled at by his father (Harrison Ford) his brother Ben (Matt Damon) who Is an NFL superstar for the cleavlend browns gets Mark a Job at the browns facility where he meets fellow employee Alyssia(Kaley Cuco) and after much hastiling gets her to go on a date with him. Just when things are finally going right for Mark he shoots his brother in the foot at the shooting range taking him out for the superbowl. Ben publicly disowned Mark. And his father kickes Mark out of the house. Mark Is sad. Mark writes his feelings in a dark ally. He realizes What he wrote was actually pretty good. He rushes ti the airport and steals a plane to fly to the superbowl. The plane turns out to be airforce one. He has a good convercation with Obama on the flight to New York when he gets to the supwrbowl he steals Jhonny Manzeils jearsy and runs out onto the feild and recites his poem . Everyone Is so moved by his performance that They stop playing Football and clap. The Cross stsnds and cheers as well. The ball Is dropped during the camotion and Mark scoops ir up and runs into the endzone and wins the game for the browns.

Edited by lamamama
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The Executioner

Studio: Fine Films Inc.

Genre: Action

Format: Live-action, 2D

Director: Dennis Gansel

Producers: Doe John, Luc Besson

Budget: $30m

Release Date: February 28th

Theater Count: 3,213

Runtime: 104 minutes (1 hour, 44 minutes)

Rating: R

Cast: Jason Statham, Tony Goldwyn, Lennie James


The film begins in Iraq, opening with a dramatic shot of a huge explosion propelling a U.S. soldier through the air. The soldier is revealed to be the film's protagonist, John Eastfield (Statham) who is quickly assisted by fellow soldier and best friend Darryl Jefferson (Goldwyn). Both men, along with several other U.S. soldiers are quickly captured by the militia. The film cuts to an open-air militia camp where we next see the soldiers tied to wooden stakes in the ground. The militia commander demands information on when a U.S. strike is going to occur. Eastfield refuses to answer and the commander slowly decapitates one of his fellow soldiers. Jefferson manages to get free and quickly slaughters the militia soldiers. The film then shifts to Detroit, where Eastfield and Jefferson work in a food warehouse. One day, a group of thugs called the Ghouls attack Eastfield while he is working after Eastfield catches them trying to steal beer. Jefferson comes to his aid. They defeat the thugs, but the gang return to cripple Jefferson by gouging his spine with a meathook, leaving him paralyzed. Eastfield, taking the law into his own hands, interrogates one of the members with a flame thrower to get information of the gang's hideout. Eastfield tells the thug that if they're lying, then he will be back. Eastfield then attacks the gang's base of operations, shooting one gang member and leaving two others tied up in the basement, which is full of hungry rats.

Eastfield's vigilante justice does not end there. The warehouse where he works has been cowed into paying protection money to organized crime. As the mob has squeezed money out of the paychecks of workers such as Jefferson. Eastfield manages to kidnap one of the mobsters, placing him, chained up above an industrial meat grinder. Eastfield needs the safe number from the mobster to steal his money. After the mobster is lowered dangerously close to the jaws of the meat grinder, the mobster gives up the safe number, as well as giving Eastfield his set of keys. Eastfield asks if there's anything else he should know; the mobster tells him no. Eastfield repeats his earlier line that if they are lying, then he will be back. Eastfield barely survives an attack by the mobsters (who he dispatches with an electric carving knife). Upon returning, Eastfield lowers the mobster into the grinder for lying. Eastfield gives the money to the Jeffersons. A police officer named Micheal Dalton (James) begins investigating these attacks, as Eastfield announces to the press his nom de guerre as the Executioner. He kills the ring leader of a child prostitution ring, as well as a senator whom he provides girls for him to abuse. Ironically, Eastfield himself steals a motorcycle and helmet from another man, though only to pursue a group of Ghoul muggers who had just attacked and robbed an elderly woman.

Meanwhile, the CIA has heard of the Executioner and reaches odd conclusions. Based on the current administration's promise to cut down crime rates, they believe that the Executioner is either an opposition party's stunt or a foreign power's ruse to humiliate the current administration by exposing their inability to handle the crime problem. They monitor Dalton's investigation of the Executioner. Dalton, working from a bootprint found at the mobster's home, discovers the Executioner wears a hunting boot manufactured by a mail order firm in Maine. Asking them for a list of clients in Detroit, and following the hunch that the Executioner may be a veteran (since when he killed the Ghouls he was seen with an M-16), Dalton has narrowed the suspects accordingly.

In the dénouement, Eastfield visits Jefferson in the hospital. Jefferson has asked to see him. Never being able to walk again, Jefferson wishes that Eastfield would kill him. Eastfield does, but coincidentally, Dalton is visiting the hospital at the time. When he learns about Jefferson's death, Dalton concludes (having investigated Jefferson earlier as a possible suspect for the Exterminator and having learned about the attack on him) that one of Jefferson's friends was the Executioner, and learns that Eastfield was one of them. Dalton stakes out Eastfield's apartment. Eastfield, seeing the police arriving at his home from afar, calls his apartment and arranges for a private meeting with Dalton, where he hopes to explain his reasons for his actions. However, the CIA, bugging his phone, hear his call with Dalton, and ambush them at the rendezvous. Eastfield escapes the ambush and brings Dalton with him as a hostage, but drops him off at the side of the road while Eastfield makes his way out of Michigan as the movie ends.

Edited by C00k13
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Genre: Concert Movie

Date: 31st January [super Bowl Weekend]

Theaters: 3,170

Rating: G

Budget: 10M

Studio: Millennium Films

Format: 2D and 3D

Cast: Taylor Swift

Appearances from many famous people such as Selena Gomez, Ellie Goulding, Calvin Harris and way way more



The concert movie for the current Queen Of Pop Taylor Swift with behind the scenes access from her smash hit tour 1989 which features gigantic hits such as 'Shake It Off', 'Blank Space', 'Style', 'Bad Blood', 'Love Story', 'We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together', 'I Knew You Were Trouble' and more. This movie also shows some of Taylor's childhood and how she has became the massive star she has become.

Edited by PitchPerfect2Films
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Daisy Lemonade

Studio: Hunt Productions

Genre: Family Comedy

Director: Adam Shankman

Release Date: April 17th

Theatre Count: 2980

Rating: PG

Budget: 18M


Mackenzie Foy- Daisy

Harry Connick Jr.- Daisy's Dad

Bridget Mendler- Daisy's older sister

Jenifer Garner- Daisy's mom

Runtime 89 minutes


After Daisy's father loses his second job in less than a year their family is worried about keeping their house. In a low key effort to help the family make a little money Daisy starts selling lemonade in their driveway. At first her profits are small burn once her family sees that she is having success and that she has a few returning customers her family decides to join in and helps supply with other products such as homemade pastries and hot chocolate. Soon they have a full fledged business running from their house. Eventually they are able to buy a little shop downtown and run their business from there.

Edited by Ethan Hunt
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Mystery Science Theatre 3000: Expedecade


Director: Michael J. Nelson

Genre: Comedy
Date: April 26-28
Cast: Michael J. Nelson (Mike Nelson), Bill Corbett (Crow T. Robot), Kevin Murphy (Tom Servo)



"In the not too distant future

somewhere in time and space

Mike Nelson and his robot pals

are caught in a nasty places


They have to survive the wrath of Pearl

just an evil gal who wants to rule the world

From her castle below she sets her sights above

Just to torture all the captives on the Satellite of Love"


Pearl: "I'll send him CAYOM movies,

The worst I can find (la-la-la)

He'll have to sit and watch them all

And I'll monitor his mind (la-la-la)"


"Now keep in mind Mike can't control

Where the movies begin or end (la-la-la)

He'll try to keep his sanity 

With the help of his robot friends."


Robot Roll Call

Cambot! (You're on!)

Gypsy! (I'm not in this film!)

Tom Servo! (Check me out!)

Croooow! (I'm different!)


If you're wondering how they got back there

after returning home at the end of the series (la-la-la)

Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a film,

I should really just relax..."

for Mystery Science Theatre 3000!"


Mike: Hi guys. Welcome back to the Satellite of Love for our second major motion picture.


Crow: Wow, our second movie! That must mean our first made a lot of money, right?


Mike: *aside glance* Sure. Wait, are you wearing make-up?


Crow: And a sexy low cut dress as well. What do you think?


Mike: I think I’m going have trouble sleeping for next few weeks.


Crow: Aw, you’re jealous because you can’t pull off this look.


Mike: ….Anyway, have you seen Tom Servo around? We should be starting soon.


(There is a sudden flash of lightning and Tom appears with a cat-shaped cushion on his lap.)


Tom: Mwahahaha! I’ve been expecting you, Mr Nelson.


Mike: What are you doing, Servo?


Tom: What does it look like? I’m being a Bond villain! See, I’ve got the evil laugh and the cat to

stroke and-


Mike: How can you stroke it? You don’t have hands.


Tom: Minor detail. Anyway, Mr Nelson, you have fallen straight into my trap!


Mike: What trap?


Tom: Well… er… you see… the trap is… that there is no trap! It’s all in your mind. Whooooooo! Whoooooo!


Mike: Okay then. Hang on, I think we’re getting a transmission from Pearl.


Tom: Whoooo, Mike, whooooo!


Crow: Whoooo! Whoooo!


Mike: Will you two stop it!


(Pearl appears on screen stroking a white cat.)


Pearl: Mwahahaha! I’ve been expecting you, Mr Nels-


Mike: Servo already did it.


Pearl: What?


Mike: The Bond villain thing. Servo already did that. He even had the cat to stroke, kinda.


Pearl: Are you kidding me? I had a whole speech written out and everything! And do you have any

idea how hard it is to get a live cat in space?!


Tom: I just used a cushion.


Pearl: Dammit, I should’ve thought of that. Have you also strapped him to a laser death trap



Tom: Nah, I’m saving that for later.


Mike: Wait, what?


Pearl: Anyway, Michael, today I have a delightful treat for you.


Mike: Somehow I doubt that.


Pearl: It’s a Christopher Nolan directed film featuring a darker take on a beloved popular character and starring Tom Hardy and Marion Cotillard, the latter of whom plays a secret double agent.


Mike: The Dark Knight Rises?


Pearl: Hah, no! This one’s far more comical than even Bale’s Batman voice.


Mike: Inception?


Pearl: No, goddamnit! I mean Expedecade! Now hurry up! It’s starting in a few seconds!


(The floor begins shaking)


Mike: Places everyone! 


The riff begins now.


The film begins in Norway, at the SPECTRE base. We see two people skiing down a nearby mountain with masks on.


Crow: Wow. Those must be very big masks to fit on a mountain.


Mike: Not even a minute in and we’re already resorting to grammar jokes. This is going to be a long one.


They take the masks off, and we see it is CIA agent Felix Leiter, and Tiffany Monts. Leiter makes a snide comment about how he has to work with the person he had to rescue ten years ago.


Tom: I probably should’ve commented on that before the mission started, but hey, we’ve got to fit in that awkward exposition somehow.


Monts tells him to shut up,


Mike: I’m so good at comebacks.


saying she isn’t ignorant anymore, and she’s one of the top CIA agents.


Tom: I got a certificate and everything!


Leiter shrugs,


Mike: Damn. I can’t beat that ‘Shut up’ comeback. Maybe if I called her a poopyhead…


saying that this shouldn’t take long anyway. Monts wonders why they’re assigned to this, rather than the MI6 or another European system.


Tom: Yeah. Since when have Americans been known to stick their nose into foreign issues?


We cut to Langly, where we see Mark Daniels listening to Leiter and Monts’ conversation; M is listening to on a video phone with Daniels. Daniels speaks to Monts and Leiter, saying that MI6 is for when you need to kill someone, the CIA is when you want to gather intel.


Crow: Because as we all know, British People have a reputation for being extremely trigger happy and obsessed with guns. Unless of course they’re eating hamburgers or playing American Football.


Monts and Leiter agree, and then put back on their masks to sneak in.


Mike: So why did they take the masks off in the first place?


Tom: Well, how else were they going to give us that award winning banter?


M tells Daniels that what he said isn’t true. Daniels then comments on Bond, who M defensively says is one agent,


Mike: Unlike that bastard Smith, who is actually three agents.


and is one of the best.


Crow: Sure he’s a little bit of a mass murderer but what does that matter?


Monts and Leiter sneak onto the SPECTRE base, and they encounter a group of five guards. Leiter takes the biggest one on hand-to-hand, eventually knocking the guard out, while Monts shoots and kills the other four with pin-point accuracy.


Tom: So why not just shoot all five of them?


Crow: Hey, those bullets are expensive, you know.


We then cut to the inside of the SPECTRE building, where we see Ernst Blofeld watching the fight on the security cameras while petting his cat. He smiles,


Mike: He’s actually watching cat videos on the other screen.


Crow: Hee hee. Oh Keyboard Cat. You play that crazy piano.


and then pushes the cat off of him,


Tom: You’ve pooped on me for the last time, Mr Tiddles!


and grabs his own pistol, leaving the room. We then cut to M going offline on Daniels’ videochat, much to his confusion. M then speaks into her earpiece to James Bond, who is on a private train


Mike: Guys, if that train starts talking with the voice of Nicholas Cage, I’m leaving.


that passes through the mountains by SPECTRE’s base.


Mike: Wait, they have train services there?!


Tom: *krrk* And on your left, you’ll see a top secret evil terrorist base. The refreshment bar

will be opening in 10 minutes.


M tells Bond it’s time, and Bond nods, understanding. He goes to the engine, where we see Q being the conductor. Q drolly comments that after begging for ten years to get in the field, his first mission is just conducting a train.


Mike: Because that’s such a vital role we need a trained MI6 agent to take care of it. Or at least a professional scientist who is for some reason being allowed to go on dangerous field missions.


Bond then points out that it’ll be probably his only mission.


Crow: Way to raise his spirits there. Why don’t you just tell him he’s going to die old and alone while you’re at it?


Q opens up the door to the outside of the train, and as Bond leaves to climb to the top of the train with a sniper rifle, Q makes a comment about Moneypenny never having a field mission.


Tom: Although they did send Terry, the coffee boy, to break up that Mexican Drug Cartel a few months back.


Monts and Leiter continue on their mission, when suddenly, Leiter stops.


Crow: Shit! I left the stove on!


We cut to Bond, saying into Leiter’s earpiece alone, that M decided they needed back-up. Leiter says that they don’t need any help, and Monts asks who it is. Bond says not to tell her, and Leiter tells Monts it’s her ex.


Tom: Chad? I should’ve known he was a terrorist! Damn him and his perfectly sculpted abs!


Bond groans and then opens the channels to both earpieces. Monts tells Bond that they have it under control,


Crow: I just shot 4 people!


and Bond rolls his eyes at that, as he aims his sniper perfectly. Bond tells them they have two minutes to lure out Blofeld,


Tom: Any longer and my Hot Pockets will get cold.


and Leiter tells Bond that they aren’t going to do that, since Bond and MI6 always take the glory; it’s their time to be the heroes.


Mike: Because that’s an appropriate mindset for top CIA agents.


Leiter also says they’re taking in Blofeld for information. Bond says Blofeld is too dangerous and needs to be killed. We then cut to M and Daniels’ listening in. Daniels explodes


Crow: Aaaah! Are we back in a Michael Bay movie?


at M for working behind his back,


Crow: Oh. Right.


telling her that the U.S. and Britain have always been allies,


Mike: I mean, sure I openly called you murderers to your face just 10 minutes ago, but I thought we were over that.


because the countries keep each other in the know. M tells Daniels that as allies, the only way to make sure the death of Ernst Blofeld is guaranteed is to send in Bond and MI6.


Tom: Basically what I’m telling you, as allies, is that without us you’re completely useless and incompetent.


Daniels disconnects from M, and tells Monts and Leiter to ignore Bond.


Crow: And if he persists, put your fingers in your ears and shout ‘LALALALALA’ at him.


M tells Bond through his earpiece that the Americans aren’t listening.


Tom: It’s almost as if they’re sore we’re only telling them about all this halfway through the mission.


Bond says that makes things much more difficult, and M responds to just continue with the mission as planned to shoot Blofeld if he’s in range. Bond asks what to do if Blofeld isn’t in range, and M tells him that won’t happen.


Mike: After all, it’s not like we pissed off the people in charge of bringing him within range or anythi- Ohhh…


We cut to Monts and Leiter who begin walking to the entrance of the building, when suddenly, Leiter falls to the ground. Monts stops and turns to Leiter, asking him what’s wrong.


Tom: I’m going to continue standing out here in plain view yelling!


Leiter says he’s been shot in the leg, and Monts needs to continue without him.


Crow: Heh. I use that excuse all the time to get out of work.


Leiter then passes out,


Mike: From a shot to the leg?


and Monts asks Daniels what to do. Daniels says to leave Leiter, and kill Blofeld, which will be the only thing to guarantee their safety.


Tom: Because I’m sure all those terrorists will be so much more accommodating once you murder their boss.


Monts frowns, but turns around to see Blofeld staring right at her, smiling.


Crow: Sorry, I’m still remembering that cat video. Oh Keyboard Cat, you rascal. Cats can’t play pianos. That’s just silly.


We see the guard Leiter knocked out get up in the background as Monts raises her gun to shoot, but Blofeld simply knocks it out of her hand, and grabs Monts, strangling her.


Mike: Our top CIA agents, ladies and gentlemen! Overpowered by a bald man with a cat fetish. 


The guard picks up Monts’ pistol for himself, and Bond and Q’s train passes by the headquarters.


Tom: *krrk* And on your right, you’ll see a terrorist leader violently executing a CIA agent. Please note that the Carriage B toilets are out of order.


Bond sees Blofeld strangling Monts. Bond aims his shot, but it is too late, as Monts is unconscious.


Crow: Oh no! That… somehow makes Blofeld invulnerable to bullets!


Blofeld then quickly runs back inside with Monts as a human shield, and the guard carrying Leiter.


Bond tells M and Q that he’s going after Blofeld, and M tells him it’s too dangerous.


Tom: In hindsight, perhaps we should’ve prepared more than one guy with a sniper rifle for this assault on a major terrorist base.


Bond doesn’t care and he jumps off the train onto the mountain, rolling down the hill.


Mike: He rolled down the entire mountain? That has to hurt.


Bond quickly gets out of the roll, and begins running down the hill, tossing the sniper to side, and pulling his trusty semi-automatic pistol out of his coat pocket. Cut to Blofeld and the guard, who are in the surveillance room where Blofeld first began.


Crow: See! See! It’s funny because cats don’t usually play pianos!


Tom: Yes, I get it Sir. Can I get back to work now?


Crow: No! Not until I show you these 250 more hilarious cat videos I found.


Tom: Sigh. I never had to put up with this shit when I was working for Goldfinger.


Monts and Leiter are not with them. The guard asks Blofeld what to do, and Blofeld says to stay here to make sure no one stops them, and whatever he does, don’t flood the base since he cannot swim.


Mike: What an incredibly bizarre and spontaneous thing to bring up.


Crow: And whatever you do, don’t add pistachios to my sandwich because I’m allergic to them!


Tom: And make sure you don’t paint my bedroom roof lilac, because it makes it difficult for me to sleep!


Although he is slightly confused by the latter part of the message,


Tom: Seriously, how am I supposed to flood a base situated partway up a mountain?


the guard stays, and then we follow Blofeld down a hallway to a helicopter. We see Monts and Leiter, both unconscious and in the helicopter.


Crow: Zzzz… We’re… the best CIA agents… ever… zzzz.


Bond reaches the bottom of the mountain,


Tom: He ran down the entire mountain? I guess that cardio’s really working out for him.


and sees a helicopter taking off. He shoots at the helicopter with his pistol, damning himself for throwing away the sniper.


Crow: Stupid trusty semi-automatic pistol!


The helicopter quickly flies away, and Bond, putting away the pistol, runs inside with hope that he can rescue Monts and Leiter.

Mike: Yeah, I’m sure you won’t need your gun for that.


He reaches the surveillance room, and we see the guard asking who he is.


Tom: Do you have an appointment in this top secret terrorist base?


Bond tells him that he’s Bond, James Bond.


Crow: Never heard of you.


The guard smiles, and then presses a button, which starts a thirty second self-destruct sequence.


Mike: Oh shit! I pressed the wrong button! That was supposed to just turn off the TV!


The guard then pulls up his gun, and Bond shoots him through the gunbarrel sequence. Bond then quickly runs out of the building with the building exploding completely right behind him (the explosion is the actual demolition of an actual building in Norway).


Mike & the Bots: Aaaah!


Crow: We really are back in a Michael Bay movie!


Bond climbs up the mountains, where Q has stopped the train.


Tom: *krrk* We apologise for the delay. This is due to secret MI6 agents assaulting a terrorist base. Also there are leaves on the track.


Q asks Bond what happened, but Bond ignores him. The train starts up, and we look down at the moving tracks, which causes the beginning of the opening credits.




Mike: Wait, are we in a Shane Black movie all of a sudden?


Bond and Q are drinking together at the counter. Christmas music is faintly playing. Q says that the past few months have been interesting at MI6.


Crow: Dave got a new tie and everything.


Bond groans, telling Q that his probation ends in the new year, and Q laughs, jabbing at him being married to his work.


Tom: Hey, we’re still waiting for the papers to come through.


Bond says that MI6 really hasn’t been working hard in their absence trying to find Blofeld. Q says that they can’t really send anyone in, since they have Americans as hostages, and Bond kind of screwed up the last mission anyway,


Mike: As opposed to the top CIA agents who did their job wonderfully.


so tensions are high. Q then adds to be happy that Bond has him for Christmas Eve, since everyone else is at MI6’s Christmas party.


Crow: Basically what I’m saying is that everyone else hates you.


Bond smiles, asking Q if M is at that party, and Q says he has no clue.


Crow: She hates you too, though.


The film cuts to said Christmas party. We see Moneypenny in a dress,


Crow: Funny. She usually wears a giant hot dog costume.


talking to a new agent, Nena Derval.


Tom: Hi! I’m most definitely not a villain! That’s why my name sounds like ‘Devil’.


Moneypenny is introducing her to everyone, while drinking some nice champagne. M then calls Moneypenny over to talk to her, while Nena stays behind to talk some other guests. Moneypenny comments to M how it doesn’t really feel like a Christmas party without James Bond.


Mike: Usually by now he’s gotten drunk on eggnog and set fire to the curtains.


M says she’s finally relaxed on Christmas, with Moneypenny rolling her eyes, and saying the only relaxation she gets on Christmas is spending it with her father in Paris. M apologizes for keeping her in England for the holidays but they need her for as soon as Bond returns to MI6.


Tom: Someone has to put up with his constant double entendres.


Moneypenny’s cell phone begins ringing, and she sees it’s her father, Ian. Moneypenny excuses herself to talk to him, and M goes to her office, being done with the party.


Crow: Welp, I’ve finished spiking the punch bowl. Time to get the camera.


Moneypenny talks to her father, who is slightly annoyed that he is spending Christmas alone. Moneypenny apologizes to him, but her father won’t have any of it,


Crow: That’s it. You’re out of the will!

saying that he took the day off from his job as a surgeon.


Tom: People are literally dying because of you.


He hangs up on Moneypenny, leaving Moneypenny immensely sad. She heads back to talk to M again, but Nena intercepts, asking Moneypenny to help her find the punch bowl.


Mike: I’ve tried asking other people, but they just start babbling about the Christmas lights being snakes.


Moneypenny, being ever helpful, takes her to it.


Tom: Really, it was like halfway across the room. You could see it from where you were standing.


Meanwhile, in her office, she sees a fruitcake on her desk that says, “Merry Christmas M, from B.”


Crow: Baked by K, decorated by T and delivered by &.


She frowns, confused on why James Bond would get her a fruitcake.


Tom: Turns out it’s actually from Bob from Accounting.


She shrugs, and starts eating the fruitcake with a fork from the party.


Moneypenny is getting bored with the party, and she gets a text from Q, telling her to join them at the bar.


Mike: P.S. Come quick. James has set fire to the curtains again.


Deciding Christmas is already a bust, she leaves the party to meet them, and finds Nena following her. Nena says the party is boring, and Moneypenny’s the only person there who actually bothered helping her.


Tom: Everyone else was just rambling about their kidneys being lava or something.


Moneypenny invites Nena to come along and meet Bond and Q. They arrive at the bar, where Bond and Q are waiting for them. Moneypenny flirts with Bond, but it’s not the same as ten years ago.


Crow: Mostly because she’s old and ugly now.


Moneypenny knows Bond is a lost cause,


Crow: Mostly because he’s old and ugly now.


and in fact, has been dating Q for a year now. Nena, however, is not nearly as well-versed in James Bond, so after a bit of drinking, the four of them go to Q’s suite at the St. James’ Hotel. They play a game of darts (with knifes though. Can’t be too boring for James Bond),


Crow: Don’t get me started on what they do when he plays tic tac toe.


Tom: Many people died that day.


which Moneypenny wins, and then it’s time for bed. There’s only two beds, so, being long-term partners, Q and Moneypenny share a bed, while Bond shares a bed with Nena.


Crow: Well, why didn’t they just bunk up with someone of the same sex?


Tom: They actually tried that once. Turns out even gender divides won’t stop Bond when he wants some loving.


It only takes about a minute for sex to happen between Bond and Nena,


Mike: A minute, huh? I guess Bond’s ‘trusty semi-automatic pistol’ discharged a bit early.


much to the awkwardness of Q and Moneypenny.


Tom: Tomorrow morning, I am going to burn the hell out of those sheets.


Regardless, Christmas morning arrives, and Q gets up early to go into the safe, and reveals he bought Moneypenny an engagement ring. He then hears someone walking behind him, and he sees its Bond. Bond sees the ring, and laughs,


Crow: You are so going to die by the end of the movie.


much to Q’s chagrin. Bond then tells him to hide it;


Tom: Seriously, your half-assed attempts at romance offends my eyes.


he’s going to watch TV. Q retorts to Bond, asking if he always watches the news.


Mike: I usually watch My Little Pony.


Bond smiles at his friend, and turns on the TV. Breaking news is airing; M is in critical condition!


Tom: That’s right, the head of a spy organisation so secretive even the boss’s real name is kept hidden, has been poisoned! Which is exactly why we’re immediately reporting it on the public news!


Q and Bond are shocked, and Moneypenny and Nena wake up to see the news. The reporter says that she is a victim of serious food poisoning, and she is not expected to last through the day.


Mike: Help would’ve been called early were not all the fellow staff members hallucinating about seeing talking coyotes.


The chief suspect, according to the BBC, is James Bond,


Crow: That’s right. Top secret, special agent, undercover spy James Bond is the chief suspect. Here’s a photo, address and birth certificate just for any megalomaniacs interested.


based on evidence found at the crime scene, which is a note that says Bond gave her fruitcake.


Tom: Is that a euphemism?


Mike: Elsewhere, Bob from Accounting is wiping his brow in relief.


Moneypenny and Q look at Bond in shock, and Bond defends himself, saying that even if he got M a gift, he’d get her a keychain, not a fruitcake.


Mike: You all know I’m far too cheap to get her something like a fruitcake!


Tom: And it would only be slightly poisoned!


Nena asks who did it then,


Mike: Did I mention I’m not a villain?


and Q replies that they need a good look at that note. Nena says that’s there’s no way they’d get into MI6 with all the police investigating and the manhunt for James Bond,


Tom: After all, it’s not like we could just pretend we don’t know where he is or anything.


and Q says they don’t need to, he can easily log into his high-access MI6 on his laptop.


Q pulls out his laptop and does a fingerprint scan on it, opening up his MI6 account.


Crow: Hey, what’s that file in the corner labelled ‘Furries’?

Tom: Uh, n-nothing. Nothing at all.


He quickly goes to high priority threats, where James Bond’s face is primarily placed. The only other evidence uploaded onto the site is the note “Merry Christmas M, from B.”


Tom: Fortunately, Bond happens to be the only agent in the entirety of Mi6 with a B in his name.


Nena asks who that could be, and Bond grimaces, saying it must be Blofeld.


Tom: Fortunately there is also nobody else in the entirety of the criminal underworld whose name begins with a B.


Q says that’s a huge assumption to make, and then Moneypenny remarks that Blofeld has the American intelligence after them, he has no motive to go after MI6.


Crow: I’m sure he’s not still sore about that attempt to snipe him in the head.


Bond says it’s a gut feeling,


Mike: Actually, wait, I think that’s a kidney stone.


but regardless, they have to move, since the entire British police force is after him. Q says they’re after Bond, not the other three,


Crow: Basically what I’m saying is you’re on your own, fucker. That’ll teach you to laugh at my engagement ring.


and Bond rolls his eyes at that, saying that whether they come with him or not, he’ll be taking Q’s car. Nena says they’ll help him,


Mike: Sure I only met you last night, but that is long enough to trust you implicitly.


Tom: Did I mention I’m not a villain?


and Moneypenny looks at Q, saying they should at least help Bond flee the country until his name is cleared.


Tom: Preferably to Antarctica.


Q sighs, and the four load into his car, with Q as driver, Moneypenny as passenger, Bond behind Q, and Nena behind Moneypenny (This will be important).


Mike: Mild spoiler. It’s not.



When Bond sits down, he feels like he’s sitting on something. He feels around and finds a flash drive, which has written on it, “From B.”


Tom: It’s just Bob from Accounting sharing a funny video he found.


Bond quickly tells Q that he needs his computer, and Q says that Bond can’t log onto his computer, as it won’t unlock without Q’s fingerprint.


Crow: My porn collection must be given the highest security!


At a stoplight right out of the hotel, Moneypenny and Q quickly switch seats. Nena looks behind them, and sees a police car coming out of the hotel’s parking lot, following them. Cut to the police car, where the driver is calling more officers to his location, saying he found Bond. Nena tells them what’s going on, and Q throws Bond a gun from the glove compartment,


Tom: Which promptly goes off and shoots Nena in the face.


telling him to slow down the police, but not to kill any. Bond smiles, saying Q has no faith in him.


Crow: Can’t imagine why.


Q then turns on the radio


Mike: Hey Q? Can you shut the radio off? We’re trying to shake the police off our trail and that’s really kind of distracting.


as his computer loads up the flash drive. The song playing is Christmas Eve/Sarajevo, which sets the score for the following action scene. Moneypenny says she’ll drive them to a private airplane hangar and they take one of MI6’s planes.


Crow: I’m sure those won’t be under guard!


A chase scene occurs, with Bond shooting the tires on the cars behind them,


Tom: And the police car immediately crashes killing the officers inside.


while dodging the shots the police take at him. In the meantime, Moneypenny does very evasive driving on her way to the hangar, and Q finds that there are several codes of encryption on the flash drive. However, they lose the police after a few minutes and arrive at the hangar. Q reveals he has a pilot’s license, and they take a small plane for the four of them.


After takeoff, Q puts the plane on autopilot and finishes decrypting the flash drive, and sure enough, there’s a message from Blofeld on it.


Mike: Wait, if he wanted them to find that message, why encrypt it?


Tom: Apparently Blofeld is related to the Riddler.


Blofeld states on the message that he will make Bond pay for killing his family, and Moneypenny asks Bond what he did. For a rare instance in his life, James Bond does not know the answer.


Tom: Look, I’ve killed a lot of innocent people. You can’t seriously expect me to remember them all.


Blofeld then says he’s sure Bond should be able to figure out from the video where he’s at, so he should just come and find him.


Crow: And I promise it won’t be a trap. Pinky swear!


Q runs an analyzing program on the video


Mike: Wait, what kind of program can work out the location of a video from a flash drive?


Tom: An analyzing program, obviously Mike. Jeez, keep up!


Crow: Yeah, it can also tell how many hours he spends cycling a day and his favourite type of Belgian truffle.


and discovers that Blofeld is in France. Nena says they can’t just go into Paris without a place to stay; all of Europe will be looking for them.


Crow: Especially Lithuania. Those people are relentless.


Moneypenny turns to Q, and Q frowns.



Cut to inside an apartment in Paris. We hear a knock at the door, and Ian Moneypenny goes to open it. His daughter is at the door, and Ian says it’s great to see her.


Tom: Sorry about that whole ‘writing you out of the will’ thing earlier.


Moneypenny asks if he’s been watching the news, and Ian replies that his TV is broken.


Crow: It’s still less of a disappointment to me than you are.


Moneypenny smiles, and asks her father if he wants to meet her boyfriend. Her father, unaware she had a boyfriend, asks to see him.


Mike: It better not be some dorky science expert with an initial for a name.


Moneypenny calls Q on her phone, telling her it’s safe for the three of them to come in.


Crow: I repeat, he does not have his shotgun with him.


Q comes in, and introduces himself as Moneypenny’s boyfriend.


Tom: I’m already wholly disappointed.


As Bond and Nena come in, Moneypenny explains them as close acquaintances. Ian quickly sees what’s up,


Mike: I am not letting you have another foursome under my roof, young lady!


and tells Moneypenny she cannot use his house for lodging. Moneypenny says that family is for this type of emergency,


Mike: Oh yeah, family is for when you’re on the run after being framed for the murder of a spy agency chief by a megalomaniac with a cat fetish. I pull that on my family all the time.


and while Ian doesn’t agree with her completely, he allows the four of them to stay for one night only.


Tom: But I swear to god, if I hear one mattress squeak, I’m burning the house down with you in it.


Thankfully, one night is all they need. Q quickly discovers where Blofeld is hiding, and while Nena is sleeping, tells Bond and Moneypenny his location. The three of them load up their guns (which are merely pistols,) but Q stops, and tells Moneypenny not to come, this will be ugly.


Crow: There will be a lot of terror pee. Mainly from me.


Moneypenny protests, but Bond tells her she cannot come. Q and Bond drive away, leaving Moneypenny. Q asks if he did the right thing;


Mike: Nope.


Bond says that Moneypenny has no combat training,


Tom: Unlike you, our science expert.


and she sure can’t drive, so why would he want her. Q chuckles nervously.


Mike: Hey, you think we should’ve woken up Nena, aka the only other actually trained MI6 agent here?


Crow: Nah. I hear she gets grouchy when she’s woken in the morning.


Mike: I guess you’re right. What could possibly go wrong without her?


They arrive at Blofeld’s hideout, a mansion an hour away from Paris, and it’s easy to see that it is fortified. Bond and Q sneak in, shooting several of Blofeld’s men.


Tom: Do you have a different definition of the word ‘sneak’?


Q grabs one of their AK-47s, but Bond sticks with the pistol. In a lull in the action, Q says field work is fun,


Crow: I just shot a man’s eyeballs into mush!


and Bond says that it’s too easy. They continuing going into the hideout, entering the mansion. Two tall guys come in, and Bond finds he is out of ammo. Bond has a fist fight with one of them, as Q dodges the other one.


Mike: I have- *dodge* -no useful skills- *dodge* -for this situation! Why the hell- *dodge* -did you bring me?!


However, Bond conveniently knocks them both at once by dropping the one he’s fighting onto the other one. Unfortunately, the floor suddenly gives out on Q and Bond, and they find themselves in a cage, captured by Blofeld.


Crow: A trap? But he pinky sweared!


Blofeld quickly walks up to them, overjoyed to see them.


Crow: Finally! My strippers have arrived!


Blofeld is especially delighted to see Bond; in fact, he seems surprised by the appearance of Q.


Mike: Seriously, isn’t he supposed to be your science expert? Why did you bring him on a field mission?


Bond demands he lets them go,


Tom: Don’t make me say ‘pretty please’!


and Blofeld asks for a trade. He will give Bond Leiter in exchange for Q.


Mike: …But you already have Q. What exactly else is he supposed to trade?


Q turns to Bond in fear,


Crow: I think the terror pee is coming.


but he has no need to worry. Bond says no way would he trade Q.


Tom: At least not for… three Kit Kat bars. An argument could be made for two.


Blofeld shrugs, and shoots Q in the leg, asking if Q being dead would make any change.


Tom: Okay, one packet of Starburst. No more, no less.


Bond looks at him in stoic horror as Q passes out in unconsciousness.


Mike: As opposed to passing out in... not-unconsciousness.


Crow: Also, why do people keep passing out from shots to the leg?


Blofeld explains that of course, just the gunshot wouldn’t kill him.


Tom: I’m fairly certain it could.


However, he has laced the gun with what he calls the “Expedite” virus.


Mike: In hindsight, it would’ve made more sense to lace the bullets instead.


Expedite will cause the body to shut down within two minutes of it being activated via remote. Blofeld then picks up a remote which has three buttons on it. Blofeld explains each button has a corresponding person with the virus in their body. One is Q, one is M, and one


Crow: Opens my garage.


is Leiter. Blofeld says Bond must pick which button he doesn’t click. Bond refuses,


Tom: Kill them all. I don’t give a shit.


and Blofeld shrugs, pressing one button. Bond’s eyes widen, but see that Q is still alive.


Crow: Damn it! I wanted to see his head explode!


Bond asks who he just killed.


Mike: Killed? Oh no, I was just opening my garage door. I need to grab something from my car.


Blofeld turns on a TV behind him, which has M’s hospital camera on it. We see her convulse terribly as her heartline spikes until she suddenly stops and her heartline is flat. Bond asks Blofeld why he is doing this. Blofeld explains that the British monarchy is outdated, only military dictatorship would be the proper way for the empire.


Tom: You do realise we don’t actually have an empire anymore?


Crow: Well… shit. Is it too late to go invade Canada instead?


Within two day’s time, he will put the Expedite virus into the London water supply, which will infect everyone in London.


Tom: Step 2: ????. Step 3: Profit!


Bond asks what Blofeld has against him, and Blofeld frowns, and says that Bond killed his cat, his only family, and he must suffer for that grave sin.


Crow: Mr Tiddles will watch you burn in hell!


Bond cannot resist chuckling at Blofeld’s terrible motivation.


Mike: Hey, stop that, movie! That’s our job!


Blofeld smiles, saying it is funny that Bond has to pick between his two best friends.


Tom: Friends? You’re making a lot of assumptions here.


Bond tells Blofeld he will refuse to pick. Blofeld shrugs, saying it makes it easier on him,


Crow: I know I spent ages setting up this intense choice for you so I could wallow in your

pain choosing and the lasting guilt you would feel after, but… I get bored easily.


and presses a button.


Tom: Several hundred miles away, a garage door opens.


Immediately, Q’s unconscious body begins convulsing,


Crow: Oh God. There goes the terror pee.


as Blofeld explains that a technical expert would be much more useful to Bond than an American.


Tom: It’s almost as if it was a bad idea to send him into the field in the first place.


Bond looks at Blofeld with immense fury, and Blofeld laughs.


Crow: Sorry, I’m remembering those cat videos again. Oh, grumpy cat! You really do hate Mondays…


Bond says he will take down Blofeld, and Blofeld says he is looking forward to meeting again in two days, and he’s sure Tiffany is looking forward to it too.


Tom: Seriously, I hear she bought a new dress and everything.


Blofeld then puts on a gas mask, as knockout gas infiltrates the room.


Mike: Oh, and don’t think about calling the police or MI6 and tipping them off about what I’m about to do. Because that would be cheating!


Bond wakes up in the car he and Q took, and sees Leiter next to him in the driver’s seat. He sees he is just outside Paris, and in a panic, speeds down the road back towards Blofeld’s mansion. However, when he arrives, he sees the place is burnt down.


Mike: Someone overcooked a jacket potato.


Confused, Bond drives back to Ian’s apartment when Leiter wakes up in the car. He realizes he’s alive and begins panicking; telling Bond how could be picking Leiter over M, a needed leader in international affairs. Bond tells him to shut up, he didn’t pick him,


Tom: Seriously, I would’ve let you die in a heartbeat.


and that M wasn’t the only casualty.


Crow: I think there was some other guy. His name was K or Y or something. I forget.


Bond asks which leg was infected with Expedite, and he says the right leg.


Tom: Welp. You’re fucked.


They arrive at Ian’s apartment, and burst in, seeing Moneypenny argue with her father.


Crow: And I’m telling you Interstellar was an overrated movie!


Tom: That’s it! You’re out of the will!


Moneypenny sees Bond, and is overjoyed that he is alive. Nena is thrilled too, and explains they were worried since Bond and Q have been gone for over a day. Moneypenny asks where Q is, and Bond’s face says it all.


Mike: It’s almost as if it was a bad idea to bring our technical expert on-


Tom: Okay, okay. We get it Mike.


Bond quickly says Leiter needs a full check-up, especially on his right leg. Ian agrees to do it, but only if Bond leaves within a day.


Tom: Seriously, what part of get-the-fuck-out-of-my-house do you people have trouble understanding?


Bond explains they need to leave any way to stop Blofeld. Ian and Leiter leave to the hospital, as Bond stays to debrief Nena and Moneypenny.


Mike: Basically, I fucked up and got Q killed. Who’s for brunch?!


Ian begins his checkup but then discovers something terrible.


Crow: They’re making another Smurfs movie?!


Instead of simply injecting or digesting the virus like Q or M, Blofeld had a canister of the virus sewed into the leg. Ian has no clue what to do,


Tom: It’s not like I could cut it out or anything.


but Leiter, seeing what it looks like, demands it amputated. Ian cannot argue, and Leiter’s leg is amputated (not on screen of course.)


Mike & the Bots: Awww…


Crow: We wanted to see some gore!


Meanwhile, Bond is explaining the dangers of Expedite to Moneypenny and Nena.


Tom: It creates really underwhelming death scenes and makes absolutely no sense scientifically!


He says they need to get back to London as soon as possible, but they quickly uncover a problem: none of them know how to fly a plane.


Mike: So just take a boat across the Channel. England and France are right next to each other, you know. Or you can just take the train through the Channel Tunnel.


Crow: Silly Mike. That wouldn’t look nearly cool enough.


Tom: Yeah. Can you imagine a montage of Bond being bustled by sweaty tourists, trying to fit his luggage in one of those tiny overhead compartments and having his jacket stolen by chavs?


They go to the hospital, seeing that Leiter’s surgery is done, but he is now minus one leg.


Crow: Aaah! You cut off the wrong leg, you idiots!


Ian says that Leiter cannot leave the country for a month in his condition, but Leiter frowns, saying that he needs to help Bond save Tiffany and all of England,


Mike: But mostly Tiffany.


and the only way he can help is piloting the plane.


Crow: …straight into the nearest mountain.


Ian is confused, and then Moneypenny takes him to the side to explain what is going on. After the explanation, Ian refuses to let Moneypenny go,


Tom: Sure, only a few minutes ago I wanted you out of my house, but I consider it my duty to be as pointlessly contrary as possible.


and Moneypenny tells him that she’s the closest Bond has to family


Crow: By which I mean I’m the person who hates him the least.


and she need to serve her country as well.


Mike: But that’s not really as important.


Ian, realizing the importance of the mission,


Tom: Well before I was fine with letting most of London die. But if it’s really that important to you…


tells Moneypenny to leave the way they arrived.


Mike: The… front door?


They load the plane, with Leiter flying it. Bond asks Leiter if he feels okay about flying the plane,


Mike: Don’t worry. He’s been given enough painkillers to kill a walrus.




and Leiter says getting them to England is the most important thing to the world right now.




Bond smiles, and sits in the copilot seat for takeoff. After takeoff, he heads back to talk to Nena and Moneypenny about where Blofeld would be hiding.


Mike: You think you’re going to be okay up here, Leiter?




Mike: Eh, he sounds fine.


Nena says that when Bond and Q were gone, she was doing research on Blofeld’s past activities, and found that men affiliated with him have been in the vicinity of Mogden several times in the last five years.


Tom: Naturally, MI6, aka the organisation actually tasked with capturing him have done jack all with this information.


Moneypenny says that the sewage treatment in Mogden must be where Blofeld will be.


The plane is landed right outside of London, with Leiter incredibly nauseous when it is done.


Mike: Eh, he’ll walk it off- Ooh, wait.


Bond tells Moneypenny to take Leiter to the hospital and to report to MI6 what is going on.


Tom: Like you should’ve done two days ago.


Moneypenny reveals to Bond she’s always been more than a secretary;


Crow: I am…. Bat-Secretary!


she’s been M’s second-in-command.


Tom: Which is why I’ve been skiving off the job for the last few days and done absolutely nothing with that power to get MI6 off your back.


Bond smiles, saying he can’t do it all alone, and the new leader of MI6 will have to help in a different way. Moneypenny tells Bond she has a bad feeling about this,


Mike: What do you think, Chewy?


Crow: *does Chewbacca roar*


and Bond tells her to shut up, and kisses her on the cheek. Moneypenny smiles, telling Bond never to kiss her on the lips,


Tom: I don’t want to catch anything.


since she thinks of him as that drunk brother. Bond laughs, and tells Nena to come along, they’re getting Blofeld. Nena looks over her shoulder to glare at Moneypenny.


Tom: I am so cutting her brakes later.


They go off on their separate ways, and we follow both cars, one to Mogden’s sewage treatment, and one to MI6’s headquarters. Moneypenny bursts into MI6, demanding a doctor for Leiter.


Mike: Er, ma’am? This is an estate agents office. MI6 is the building next door.


Someone asks her something, but Moneypenny says they have a massive terror problem right in England.


Crow: And our economy isn’t doing so hot either!


She then promptly leaves the building


Tom: So… you’re not going to explain any of it to them?


We cut to Bond and Nena arriving at the sewage plant, which is slightly fortified,


Mike: Against giant sewer gators.


but it’s not too much for James Bond, who quickly dispatches them with his pistol. Unfortunately, he is now out of ammo,


Tom: You know, considering what happened last time, maybe you should consider bringing more than one clip of ammo.


Crow: Hey, those bullets are expensive, you know.


and dependent on Nena’s shots. They continue through the treatment plant, and find that they work fine together, with Nena shooting down anyone with a gun, and Bond fist-fighting well with everyone else.


Tom: So why not just shoot all of them?


Crow: Like I said, those bullets are expensive!


Tom: Then why doesn’t Bond just pick up one of the guards’s guns and-


Crow: Look, do I have to get the chair again?


They reach the top, where there’s Blofeld with Tiffany Monts (conscious) in arms.


Tom: I’m still a top CIA agent, by the way!


Blofeld frowns, saying this moment doesn’t feel right without family.


Crow: Family Matters, that is. Love that show! Urkel’s so crazy.


Bond tells him he has no family,


Mike: You’re adopted.


and Blofeld laughs, asking Nena to come join him. Bond looks at her in shock, but Nena shrugs, and goes to stand with her father. Blofeld explains that French ladies love a man with roguish qualities, something he is sure Bond knows.


Crow: Obviously, I don’t love her quite as much as my cat, but I digress.


Monts tells Bond to leave her, saying that Expedite is already in the water, but they can deactivate the virus by hacking the remote. Blofeld clamps his hand over Monts’ mouth, and asks Nena if she’d like to the honors.


Crow: Normally I would offer this to Mr Tiddles first, but since he isn’t here…


Nena would be thrilled to,


Tom: Sure he constantly showed preferential treatment to his cat over me, made me dress up as it any time I wanted anything as a kid and forced me to end my every sentence with meow, but dammit, I still love killing. Meow.


as she pulls out a knife to stab into Monts’ chest.


However, Nena gasps, and looks down, seeing a knife in her. She stares at Bond,


Tom: Tell… my father… I hate… cats….. Meow....


who is looking around at who threw the knife. He sees Moneypenny, standing behind him.


Mike: Wha-?! Bu-?! She was just at MI6! How did she get there so fast and with no-one noticing!


Crow: Apparently being M’s second in command comes with teleportation powers.


Blofeld looks at his daughter dying in anger,


Mike: Eh. Still not as upset as when my cat died.


and then throws Monts into the sewage tank behind him, telling Bond he’s going to have to fight him to get the remote.


Tom: That’s right! You, a fully trained MI6 agent and expert in martial arts, vs me, a bald 50-something megalomaniac who spends most his time watching cat vide- Oh I’ve made a horrible horrible mistake.


Bond and Blofeld begin duking it out, as Moneypenny sees where the sewage tank leads to, in efforts to rescue Monts.


Mike: So just wondering, where’s the MI6 back-up Moneypenny was sent to get? I mean, we joked about her leaving the building without actually explaining anything to anyone, but that can’t be what actually happened, right guys? R-Right?


Tom & Crow: Er….


As Bond and Blofeld’s fight continues, she finds Monts in a clear pipe, which she attempts to smash open. With their combined efforts, Monts breaks out, ruining the pipe in the prospect.


Crow: That pipe was just two days away from retirement…


Back with Bond and Blofeld, the fight is bloody, and they are both tired out. Blofeld pulls out a knife, saying he’s going to end this quickly,


Tom: Then why did you spend the last 5 minutes fist fighting him?!


and stabs Bond’s right eye. Bond screams in agony, but then grabs Blofeld, takes the remote out of his pocket, and throws him down into the water below. Blofeld should be able to easily survive this; however, he screams that he cannot swim, and we see him drown.


Mike: Tell Mr Tiddles… *glub* I love him… *glub* more than my daughter…


Bond, clutching his injured eye, goes to Monts and Moneypenny. Monts reveals that Blofeld put a timer on the Expedite release anyway, and if they don’t hack it within two minutes, the virus will be released to all of London. None of them know how to hack it,


Crow: If only we had a scientific expert to help us!


but Monts knows another way. If Bond destroys the remote, it will render the Expedite in the water system useless, but it will activate in Monts.


Mike: Wait, how does that work?


Tom: By the power of screenwriter contrivance.


Bond refuses to do it in terror, but Monts tells him he needs to do it. Moneypenny looks on as Bond, conflicted, kisses Monts one last time, and then steps on the remote.


Mike: Several hundred miles away, a garage door opens.


Monts convulses and dies.


Crow: Still… a top… CIA… agent…..


Moneypenny looks at Bond,


Mike: You’re right. That really was an underwhelming death.


and says Bond needs to leave England.


Tom: Seriously, I’m sick of the sight of you.


As far as the British government is concerned, Bond killed M, and they have no concrete evidence removing him from suspicion.


Mike: No concrete evidence! What about… everything Blofeld has been doing?! Heck, all they have to convict Bond is a note signed by a ‘B’! They don’t have any concrete evidence to convict him, let alone remove him from suspicion. Either MI6 is the worst crime-solving agency in the known universe or you people are idiots!


Crow: Alright, take a deep breath Mike.


Mike: But it hurts, Crow. It hurts so bad.


Crow: It’s okay, buddy.


Moneypenny says that as the current leader of MI6, she cannot tell him to run to India and seek sanctuary there,


Tom: Because we have a massive trap set for you there.


but as Bond’s deepest friend,


Crow: Aka, the person who hates you the least.


she can. Bond smiles, calling her M. Moneypenny says that she can give him a day’s wait for him to get out of England, and then the manhunt must be on. The theme begins playing as Bond smiles, saying it shouldn’t be that hard. Cut to credits. EXPEDECADE.


Mike: Oh God! The movie’s starting over again!


Tom & Crow: Noooo!!!


(We cut back to the satellite room where Tom and Crow have a man with a bag over his head attached to a laser death trap.)


Tom: Welcome back, everyone. Unfortunately, Mike’s, eheh, found himself a little tied up at the moment.


Crow: Hey, you said I could make the bad puns!


Tom: I lied. Anyway, we’re about to crank this thing up and-


(Suddenly Mike walks into the room.)


Mike: Hey guys, I went to the boiler room like you asked, but all I could find was this canister of sleeping gas that someone unscrewed slightly. Naturally, I tightened it back up and- Wait, what are you two doing?


Tom: Mike?! Wait, if you’re here then who-?


(Mike pulls the bag off the man’s head to reveal Michael Fassbender.)


Mike *gasp* Star of stage and screen, Michael Fassbender?!


Fassbender: That’s right. Now will you get me out of here?


Crow: Well, I guess we caught a Mike.


Mike: Wait, how did you get in here in the first place? We’re in space.


Fassbender. Because I’m Bond. James Bond.


Mike: …Yeah, that’s not an explanation.


Fassbender: I’m sorry, Mike. I’d like to answer your questions, but I have to go save the world, beat up villains and make out with beautiful supermodels.


Crow: Wait, Michael! Before you go, will you give me a kiss?


Mike: Ew. No.


Tom: I think he meant the other Michael.


Mike: Oh, that would make more sense.


Fassbender: Well… you’re not the least attractive Bond Girl I’ve had to kiss. Here you go.


(Gives Crow a peck on the cheek.)


Fassbender: FASSBENDER AWAY!!!


(Fassbender leaps offscreen. The sound of a revving speedboat can be heard.)


Mike: So is this going to be a regular thing now?


Tom: Probably.


Mike: Well then. While we try and figure out how he got a speedboat to work in space, this is Mike Nelson from the Satellite of Love, signing off.

Theaters: 2209
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Budget: $100,000k

Edited by Rukaio Alter
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Genre: Period Action/Adventure
Cast: : Liam Neeson (Siegfried), Mads Mikkelsen (Father Johann), Thomas Kretschmann (Yuri), Aksel Hennie (Sebastian), Maria Doyle Kennedy (Aleksa), Rory McCann (Erik), Travis Fimmel (Pasha), Bill Skarsgård (Grigory)
Directed By: Timothy Van Patten
Original Music by: Marco Beltrami
Release Date: 4/10
Theater Count: 3273
Budget: $75 Million
Running Time: 136 minutes
MPAA Rating: R for scenes of strong violence, disturbing images

Plot Summary: Germany, 1221 A.D.

The film begins with Siegfried (Neeson), a knight in his upper fifties, returning home from the disastrous Fifth Crusade. With him in his group is his bannerman Erik (McCann) and his servant Sebastian (Hennie). Siegfried expects a warm welcome, but instead finds to his dismay that his elder son was mysteriously murdered, and his many of his lands were burned at the hands of Hagen, who took advantage of his absence. His wife has also died of sickness, leaving his younger son, barely a teenager, alone, raised by the local bishop, Ulrich. Complicating matters is that Hagen has the favor of the regional duke. Erik urges Siegfried to vengeance while Ulrich says he should focus on rebuilding his lands and raising his son. Siegfried reluctantly chooses Ulrich’s way.

After a couple scenes showing Siegfried trying to maintain his lands and raise his son, trouble brews when marauders pillage farms under his protection and the river feeding his lands is dammed off. It is Hagen and his son Alfrid, who demand that Siegfried swear subservience to them. Erik again urges to fight, but Siegfried, at Ulrich’s insistence, arranges a parley to discuss terms. The parley goes poorly. However in their gloating, Hagen and Alfrid accidentally let slip the implication that they ambushed and murdered Siegfried’s older son. Due to being outnumbered, Siegfried does nothing, but upon returning to his castle tells Erik they shall do it his way.

Alfrid goes into a town near his father’s castle for drinks and on his way back he and his bodyguards are ambushed by archers who kill all the bodyguards and wound Alfrid. Siegfried then emerges, walks up to a terrified Alfrid, and kills him. Cut to Hagen receiving a box containing a gesture of Siegfried’s response. Hagen opens it thinking it is a token of surrender but instead finds Alfrid’s head.

We cut to Siegfried in a dungeon with Erik and learn that Hagen went to the regional duke, who had Siegfried and Erik arrested. Bishop Ulrich enters and has guards take Siegfried with him. Ulrich tells Siegfried that though what he did was wrong, he was a good man tormented by others. Siegfried whispers that he isn’t a good man. Ulrich then says he went to the Archbishop and pleaded for Siegfried’s life. Ulrich’s plea was granted, on the condition that Siegfried is exiled for life. Siegfried and those who aided him will be banished to the far east of Europe, beyond Galicia and Kiev, to serve as protectors of Christian missionaries in the villages near the steppes. Siegfried half-wishes he was dead and Ulrich tells he has a chance at a second life, if he wants to take it.

The result is that Siegfried, Erik, and about a dozen of his men to travel east. Ulrich tells them to go to the village of Dniprodzar, where a Father Johann has established a church to minister to the mix of Cuman and Rus settlers. Siegfried asks Ulrich to watch over his boy and teach him to be a better man. Before they leave, Sebastian arrives and asks to go with Siegfried. After Sebastian continues to ask, Siegfried relents and they set off. Siegfried is barely able to say goodbye to his son.

Siegfried and his group travel east through forests, hills, and plains. Erik grumbles about having to live the rest of his life in the middle of nowhere. One night Siegfried at camp asks Sebastian why he has joined them. Sebastian says that if he stayed home, he would just be a servant, but out here what he does may help people more. He also says that after what happened on the Crusade, he believes he must atone. Siegfried says he doesn’t believe such a thing is possible.

After traveling, they arrive at Dniprodzar and are greeted by the village chieftain, Yuri (Kretschmann). Yuri is ambivalent about the missionaries, but feels as long as they don’t cause trouble, they can stay. He has them shown to the church built by the missionaries. Siegfried enters and meets with the missionary leader, the priest Father Johann (Mikkelsen). Siegfried briefly explains who he and his men are. Johann is pleased to have protectors for the faithful and says out here things are simple, but also can be dangerous.

We then see some scenes showing Siegfried, Erik, Sebastian, and the others settling into their role as guards for the missionaries who also assist in manual labor in the missionaries’ duties as well as helping people in the village. Erik is annoyed by this but Johann explains that the easiest way to win over the hearts of the people is to help them with the things that burden them. In these scenes we are introduced to other residents of the village, such as Aleksa (Doyle Kennedy), a childless widow, Grigory (Skarsgård), a young man who is eager to hear about the battles fought by Siegfried’s people, and Pasha (Fimmel), a middle-aged man who is distrustful of the outsiders. Sebastian also takes a liking to a young woman and starts courting her.

After some asking, Siegfried allows Grigory to join his band, which delights Grigory but antagonizes Pasha and others. There is a short scene where Erik and some of the men have a brief standoff in the mead hall with Pasha and his followers, but Johann and Yuri diffuse it. Meanwhile Siegfried spends some time with Aleska and learns of how her family perished several years earlier. The two get along well. Johann tries to talk with Siegfried about his past but Siegfried doesn’t want to. Sebastian continues his courtship, though there is some light humor as he tries to impress the woman’s parents and brothers.

Time passes through Fall into Winter and the snows and cold are harsh, especially with a rough harvest. Things get even more complicated by a large pack of wolves terrorizing the farms and village outskirts. Pasha blames this on the Christian missionaries and raises trouble. This leads into a scene where he and a small mob congregate outside the church and threaten to burn it down. Siegfried, Erik, and the others come out to confront Pasha. Siegfried preemptively strikes by cheap-shotting Pasha and beating him up severely while Erik, Sebastian, etc draw weapons to ward off anyone intervening. Other villagers arrive and Aleska calls for Siegfried to stop and he relents. Yuri arrives and demands an explanation. Johann comes out as well and reprimands Siegfried for escalating things. Yuri, with the help of Johann, is able to ease the tension. Yuri says they must stand together and the wolves are the problem, so they will hunt the wolves.

This leads into a wolf hunt in the forest. We briefly see them hunting down several wolves, who are abnormally vicious. At one point Siegfried, Erik, and Pasha are together and they get attacked by a few wolves. They kill them all, but Erik is almost killed as well but is saved by Pasha. The aftermath of the hunt, and the subsequent better weather, helps calm things down and brew a little respect between everyone.

The seasons change into Spring and the village now seems to be thriving, with warmer relations between the missionaries and the villagers. Grigory is training to be a warrior, Erik handling much of the teaching, and is slowly getting decent. Meanwhile Siegfried and Aleska are growing closer in friendship, taking walks together, but Siegfried maintains a distance between them. We also see that Sebastian has finally won over his love’s family and proposes marriage successfully. He talks with Siegfried, who is happy his former servant is building a good life here. Sebastian says Siegfried can do the same, but Siegfried says he can’t, and walks away grimly.

Siegfried talks with Johann, who has noticed and suggests that perhaps this is his path to forgiveness. Siegfried says he has nothing in his life but penance. Johann says Siegfried has been here for many months and it is time to share his burden. He administers confession to Siegfried, who reluctantly spills out how he went on Crusade seeking glory and riches promised by the Papal legate Pelagius, but found scorching heat, unforgiving sands, and enemies everywhere. He wanted to turn back, but the Pelagius said God willed the Crusade and that all acts done were blessed. Thus when they were on a raiding party and found a village harboring Ayyubid scouts, they showed the inhabitants no mercy. Their screams haunt him to this day, but even worse was afterwards, when he went to Pelagius to confess, Pelagius was pleased, saying that the murder of the “heathens” was God’s work. Siegfried says that broke him, and turned him away from God. Therefore, in the end, he now found the violent solution the easiest one. Johann points out that must be why he almost killed Pasha in winter and Siegfried nods. Johann tells Siegfried that all our lives we are taught and instructed as to God and authority, but we’re never taught what to do when those who claim to speak for God urge something wrong. Johann says Siegfried is a good man whose only fault was believing that “men of God” are always good people. But they are just people, and fall prey to the same demons as any other man. Johann gets up to leave Siegfried and suggests that perhaps what Siegfried is looking for isn’t absolution, but to find it possible to forgive himself. Siegfried is deep in thought.

The village soon celebrates a spring festival where everyone has fun with songs, dance, and food. It also doubles as a wedding for Sebastian and his new wife As it winds down at night, Siegfried walks Aleska home and the two share some more bonding. Meanwhile as the others stumble off home, there is a sudden commotion as several horsemen ride through the village, throwing torches onto buildings and attacking lone residents in the streets. A defense quickly mobilizes with Erik and Pasha and they are able to cut down a few of the horsemen before the others ride off. Yuri arrives and with the others inspects the bodies: They are undoubtedly foreign and the people wonder who the hell they are.

A couple short scenes show the village learning more about what is going on. Apparently several other villages in the region were raided also. It is the work of a large horde of steppe warriors, who have devastated lands southeast past the Black Sea. Yuri says a messenger has arrived from Grand Duke Mstislav of Kiev, who is summoning soldiers from all villages to join the combined armies of the Cuman tribes, Kievan Rus, and other principalities to drive off the enemy.

Pasha and Erik, among others, urge the village to send men to the army. Others, like Johann and Aleska, urge everyone to stay and protect the village instead. Siegfried is uncertain and when pressed by Erik to support him, says fighting can be necessary, but he doubts whether the men in the village can handle going to war. Yuri wrestles with the decision, but finally, when enough young men like Grigory support Erik and Pasha, he decides to support their plan. He will send half of the village men, about a hundred people, to the coalition camp. He will lead them. Erik and most of Siegfried’s men also volunteer, so Siegfried joins in to maintain command of them. He has Sebastian stay behind to command the few soldiers remaining, telling him in private that he has a family now and should protect it.

As the men prepare to leave, Siegfried has short scenes with Johann and Aleska. Johann has fears about the campaign and Siegfried says his only goal is to make sure the people come home. Meanwhile in his scene with Aleska, the two confess they care for one another and briefly kiss, Siegfried having a little laugh about two old people in love.

A couple short scenes show the village force leaving and crossing over the plains until they join the army of Mstislav of Kiev, which is swelled by thousands of men from other Russian allies as well as the horsemen of the Cuman tribes to the east.

At the camp, Grigory is eager to get into battle but Siegfried warns him of how dangerous war is and how easy it is to get yourself or your comrades killed. Yuri meets the army commanders to report in and brings Siegfried along as he is a veteran. Duke Mstislav lays out the plan of battle: They will use their superior numbers to pin the steppe foe in a locked battle, and then overwhelm them with armored horsemen. Afterwards Yuri asks Siegfried his opinion. Siegfried says it is a good plan against the enemy these people are used to facing, but he wonders if these nomads will cooperate.

We also get a scene with Siegfried and Erik later. Erik reproaches Siegfried for not being enthusiastic about fighting. Siegfried says he has been thinking a lot about these past months and he wants to be sure he isn’t just fighting, but fighting for the right reasons. Erik dismisses his thoughts as spending too much time with the priest.

After some marching, the coalition armies confront their enemy, a smaller group, mostly horsed and lightly armed. There is an initial skirmish as the enemy horsemen charge in, but they are fended off by the archers in the army. Duke Mstislav is impatient and sends in all the armored horsemen. The steppe army retreats and all the horsemen in the coalition army pursue. The villagers, who have only had a few wounded by arrows, cheer, and Erik and Pasha gloat about the cowardly enemy.

We briefly see several thousand heavily armored horsemen chasing the enemy over the plains and hills, until they are some miles from the rest of their forces. They find that they are now surrounded by the entire steppe horde, which is able to pelt them from afar with arrows and stay out of combat due to faster horses and less weight. Hundreds and hundreds of the coalition horsemen are killed before Duke Mstislav orders a retreat. They suffer horrific losses breaking out, and the steppe army follows.

Thus back with the main force, they see horsemen coming over the hills and cheer their return. Then they realize those horsemen are fleeing for their lives, and thousands upon thousands of steppe horsemen follow. Panic sets in and many start scattering, allowing the enemy to pick them off or to charge and annihilate them. One company of horsemen charges the villagers, who almost panic but are kept focused by Siegfried and Erik. In the pitched melee a dozen of the villagers are killed, but they drive off the horsemen. Siegfried, with the help of Erik and Yuri, has them withdraw up a ridge to join several hundred others. This force is attacked a second time by a larger horde of enemies and suffers heavy casualties. In the fighting Erik is hit with several arrows and falls dead. The attack is pushed back, but over a third of the force is killed or badly hurt.

Siegfried says they have to retreat, but being on foot they would be overtaken. Yuri says he will lead those who stay behind, to give the others time to get to the village and warn them. A dozen of the villagers agree to stay with the main body of soldiers, as do about half of Siegfried’s own men. Siegfried gives Pasha precise instructions on how they will fall back, and then after clasping hands with Yuri, sets out with the remainder.

They get a decent distance away before see their compatriots on the hill overwhelmed. The horsemen then withdraw onto the far side of the hill, giving them time to get further away. Siegfried has them press on in the dark, to put further distance. In a brief rest stop, the villagers are in total shock over what happened. After reassuring Grigory that everything will be fine, Siegfried talks with Pasha and asks what they should do. Pasha is surprised he is being asked, but says he thinks with the army destroyed, nothing can stop those steppe warriors from rampaging, so trying to fight them would be pointless.

The survivors return to the village and inform the horrified locals about the battle. There panic about what to do and who shall lead them. Pasha tries to assert authority, but lacks a plan. Johann tries to calm everyone down and says they shall grieve for the fallen, but they must also look to their own safety. He asks Siegfried if he thinks the village is in danger. Siegfried says with the only army in the region crushed, the nomads will look for more spoils westward. Johann says the only course then is to go west ahead of them. Siegfried says the Dnieper River to the west should act as a barrier for pursuit. If they get over it, they should be safe. After some discussion, the villagers, including Pasha, agree.

Cut to the villagers loading up belongings for the travel. During the preparations, Siegfried speaks with Aleska, who says she was afraid no one was going to come home. The two share a tender moment. We then see Siegfried going to the church as Johann and other missionaries load up the most important things into carts. Siegfried helps Johann load one cart and they talk. Johann asks for Siegfried’s honest opinion and Siegfried says that if the nomads come west fast, the villagers have no chance. Johann says that even with no chance, they must try, and hope. Siegfried asks Johann how he can keep going seemingly without fear. Johann says he’s terrified, for what might befall the people, but he has faith. “In what?” Siegfried asks. “In you” is the reply.

The villagers evacuate Dniprodzar and set out west, and we get a short series of scenes showing their travels. As they do we see that Siegfried and Pasha notice a few horsemen on the far horizon. Siegfried says they must be advance scouts. The following morning they see smoke coming from the same horizon, presumably the abandoned village being burned down.

After some more travel they get halfway to the Dnieper River and make camp. While camped Siegfried goes to talk with Grigory, who has regressed into near-catatonia as the shock of the battle lingers. Siegfried tells him a brief story about one of the early times he was in war and a lesson about how true bravery is fighting through fear, not the absence of it. We also have a reconciliation scene of sorts with Johann and Pasha, where the latter man apologizes to the priest for his behavior and says he has been a good man to the village. Siegfried and Sebastian talk and we learn that Sebastian’s wife is pregnant. Siegfried is pleased and says he is glad he can call Sebastian his friend instead of just a servant.

At this point a couple men standing guard outside the camp are shot at by arrows, and a handful of riders come charging in to cause havoc. They cut down a few people but Siegfried and others are able to kill several and the remainder ride back east. Siegfried says that was just a tiny scouting party. And soon the main steppe force will know about them and where they are.

After a couple more travel scenes the villagers reach the Dnieper River, only to find that the snow melt and spring rains have swollen the river, so the nearby ford is unpassable. They will need to build rafts to cross. Siegfried has the villagers gather as much materials as possible, and looks to the east horizon in concern.

The villagers build rafts and try to stay busy to avoid panicking. Siegfried also has his remaining soldiers take some of the materials to build stakes and abatis in the ground outside the camp, as a rudimentary defense to slow down any horsemen. There is a lot of tension in the air.

After a day of work, the first of the rafts are ready, and slowly and carefully, women and children begin to be ferried over to the other side. It is a very slow pace. After about a quarter are ferried over, Sebastian calls out, spotting a small company of horsemen on the far ridge, a couple miles away. Siegfried says it’s a large scouting party, they’re not in danger just yet, but they need to move quickly. Pasha pulls him aside and says there is no way they can get everyone across in time before a larger force arrives. Siegfried agrees and says they will have to make that time.

By the time about half of the women and children are across, a larger force of enemy horsemen appears on the ridge. Siegfried, Pasha, and the other men, a little over a hundred, have taken up position behind the crude makeshift defenses, most armed with only axes, spears, or hunting bows. By the river, Johann and his missionaries are helping get people into the rafts. Siegfried gets Aleska into one and after it goes off, asks Johann to get across as the people will need someone to lead them. Johann says it is his responsibility to get as many of them to safety as possible, and he and his fellow missionaries will do that to their last breath. Grigory meanwhile has finally snapped out of his funk and joins the men ready to fight. Sebastian also is armed and ready for battle. When Siegfried suggests he go across the river with his wife, Sebastian says he would lose respect in his new family’s eyes if he didn’t stay to protect the others.

Siegfried returns to the defenses and says the gathering horsemen, a couple hundred now, will probe lightly at first, before deciding whether to launch a full attack. He is proven right, as a few dozen horse archers ride first and trade a few volleys with the villagers, a handful killed on each side. Then maybe a hundred horsemen ride in to raid the camp. The villagers take down a noticeable number with arrows, and the ground defenses force the horsemen to slow down, which makes it easier for the villagers to attack the horses or riders. In the melee Siegfried is lightly wounded, but the horsemen are driven off. About twenty of the villagers are dead or wounded, but the others remain in good spirits. Siegfried says they bloodied the enemy, which means the next attack is going to be worse. Pasha says they only need to hold them off for a few more raft trips.

A larger force of horsemen rides forth this time, so the village archers do less damage this time around before the charge hits the defenses. In this vicious fight things seem to teeter on the edge of defeat, as several horsemen break through to attack the camp itself, but a handful of defenders, including Sebastian, are able to kill them all before they harm the remaining villagers. Siegfried kills several riders, but is wounded again and knocked to the ground. But before he can be killed, Grigory charges in and takes the sword blow. This gives Siegfried time to get up and kill the enemy warrior. The battle is close to failing, but Sebastian leads the people protecting the camp in and the horsemen are again driven back. But things look grim for the camp, as only a few dozen men are fit for combat now, and some of the villagers panicked and crowded on a few of the rafts, capsizing them in the treacherous river. There’s not enough to get everyone across before the next attack. Everyone still on this side looks to Siegfried and he says that it looks like they will die today, but before they do, they will make sure that none of the invaders breaks through. He, Pasha, Sebastian, and the remaining fighters let out a war cry.

The final attack comes with the remaining horsemen all charging in. The remaining fighters have gathered in a tight semi-circle closer to the river to better protect one another and it devolves into a brutal melee. Most of the village fighters are killed or badly wounded. Pasha is impaled on a spear and hit with arrows, but still kills several before going down. Sebastian is injured and is close to being trampled by a horse, but Siegfried hurls a spear to kill the horse, then kills the fallen rider. He picks up Grigory and carries him towards one of the remaining rafts, and passes him over to a waiting Johann, with a handful of others. Sebastian says he can stay and fight, but Siegfried says Sebastian has done enough and must protect those on the far side now. Johann asks Siegfried to get onboard, but Siegfried says he will buy them time to get out of arrow range. He tells Johann that Johann was right, he needed to forgive himself. But he also must atone. He pushes the raft into the river and turns back to the fight, which is almost at the water’s edge.

He faces down multiple horsemen, taking them out one at a time before he is slashed from behind with a sword. He stumbles, gets up, kills the attacker, before getting shot by an arrow to the torso. Again, he shrugs it off, takes out another guy, before being arrowed a second time. This time he falls and watches as the raft with Johann, Sebastian, and others safely floats into the river. Smiling, he pulls himself up and stands to see all the other defenders have fallen, along with many of the horsemen, and the others are assembled a decent distance away. Their leader looks at Siegfried and gives him a respectful nod. Siegfried nods back, salutes with his sword, and runs forward as the enemy leader rides up with his horse. The last shot we see is Siegfried running into the camera with a battle cry, swinging his sword in front of it.

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Russian Roulette

Studio: Hunt Productions

Genre: Action

Director: D. J. Caruso

Release Date: April 3rd

Theatre Count: 3720

Rating: PG-13

Budget: 65M

Runtime: 130 minutes


Bryce Cass- Yassen Gregovitch

Kenneth Branagh- Vladimir Sharkovsky,

Ewan McGregor- John Rider

Pasha D. Lychnikoff- Misha Dementyev


A 14-year-old Yassen is forced to flee his home after an accident at the factory his parents work at - which secretly develops chemical weapons for the Russian government - contaminates the whole village with a deadly strain of anthrax. The Russian authorities proceed to send helicopters to destroy the village, in order to contain the outbreak and cover up the chemical weapons development. Yassen escapes with his best friend Leo, who later dies from the effects of the outbreak. Yassen survives, having been given the only sample of antidote by his parents that they had stolen from the factory where they had worked.

Yassen makes his way to Moscow, and meets Misha Dementyev, a friend of his parents who they told him to seek out. Dementyev calls the police, knowing that Yassen is a loose end regarding the chemical weapons development. Yassen avoids arrest, and joins a gang of petty thieves who had pickpocketed him earlier. After a few days, the group decide to burgle a house. Yassen convinces them to rob a flat owned by Vladimir Sharkovsky, a wealthy businessman whom he overheard Dementyev talking to on the phone. As the smallest of the gang Yassen is chosen to crawl through a fortochnik and let the other members into the house.

Sharkovsky unexpectedly returns to the flat and captures Yassen, but decides to let him live due to the recent death of his food taster. He forces Yassen to play a game of Russian Roulette with a single bullet, which he survives. After making two unsuccessful attempts to escape, Yassen spends the next four years at Sharkovsky's estate, serving as his food taster as well as a general labourer. One night, he learns that Sharkovsky had been responsible for the deaths of his parents and destruction of his village, having cut corners regarding safety at the factory in order to increase profit, and vows to kill him.

Yassen's imprisonment ends when a Scorpia assassin by the name of Grant infiltrates the compound and seemingly kills Sharkovsky, and Yassen asks Grant to let him escape with him. Grant takes him to The Widow's Palace, where Yassen is introduced to Julia Rothman, one of the leaders of Scorpia. It is revealed that Sharkovsky survived the attempt on his life, and Grant is subsequently killed by Rothman for his failure. Rothman offers to let Yassen join Scorpia, since because of his past, no records of him exist anywhere in the world, making it near impossible for authorities to track him down. Yassen agrees, his only other option being to return to Russia, where Sharkovsky's people will no doubt be looking for him.

Yassen spends the next four months at Scorpia's training facility on the island of Malagosto, before being given his first contract. When the time comes, Yassen is unable to take the target's life, and she is subsequently killed by another Scorpia agent. Though disappointed with him, Scorpia decide to give Yassen a second chance, and pair him up with John Rider, Alex Rider's father.

John and Yassen work on two contracts together. During the first contract, John saves Yassen's life, and expresses doubt that Yassen has it in him to be a killer, and suggests that he give up if he doesn't want to be one. The second contract takes place in Paris, where Yassen is again unable to kill the target, and admits to John that he does not want to be an assassin. As John and Yassen wait in an airport - Yassen planning to take a plane to Berlin and disappear - Yassen discovers a gadget from MI6 in John's luggage, and realises from this, as well as a number of details he noticed during the time spent with him, that John is an MI6 double agent working against Scorpia.

Feeling betrayed from this revelation, and guessing that John has warned Scorpia about his defection in an attempt to weaken them further, Yassen abandons his original plans, and returns to Sharkovsky's estate, using the skills he learned from Scorpia to infiltrate the place and confront Sharkovsky. He reveals his true identity, as well as Sharkovsky's role in influencing his life. Again, Yassen plays Russian Roulette in front of Sharkovsky, but this time with five bullets in the revolver, seeing it as his last chance to leave the path of a killer. Yassen once again survives, and kills Sharkovsky.

Edited by Ethan Hunt
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