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Director: Stephen Chbosky

Genre: Dramedy

Release Date: October 30th

Major Cast: Jane Fonda (Lisa Henck), Taissa Farmiga (Beth Cronan), Lewis Pullman (Owen Henck), Laura Harrier (Ash), Daniel Henney (Arcade Attendee)

Theater Count: 2,753

MPAA Rating: R for language and substance use

Runtime: 83min (1hr, 23min)

Production Budget: $10 million


Flashbacks in brown. Note that the entire film is in black and white.



The camera looks over what seems to be a lake in Arizona. Moving to the side, we see several police cars pulled by the river as a blue BMW is investigated by the dock. Shot from inside the car, a police officer opens the door, recoiling in shock at what he sees inside. He begins to grab a walkie talkie to speak, “Please notify the closest relatives of Owen Henck.”


We cut to an apartment with a somewhat retro (albeit not deliberately) style. Sounds of drinks pouring as we take different shots of the place. We move to the kitchen, where a woman in her 70s, Lisa Henck, is making herself a drink, putting a pill in one of the cups. Her flip phone rings, and she picks up. “For fuck’s sake, I’m not falling for your damn credit card – “She suddenly goes silent, as the voice informs her that she is with the PPD, and she asks Lisa to have a seat.” We see her listen in on the call, and she suddenly develops a blank face, eventually ending with. “Thank you for sharing this. I will be out in Phoenix in a couple days.”


We see her move to her computer chair without saying a word, sitting down slowly. She begins to lightly tear up but tries to take a deep breath. Eventually, she looks up flights from Indianapolis to Phoenix. Cut then to her in a taxi away from the Phoenix airport, as she asks the driver to get to her hotel. At the hotel, a woman at the concierge desk happily checks her in. As Lisa is filling out the details, she asks how to get to the bar. The woman gives the location, but comments that she needs to finish checking in first to get the guest discount. “It’s why I stayed here. All done. Thank you darling.” And she moves toward the bar without so much as a second thought. The concierge tells her that she left her phone, to which she replies, “I can go the night without it.”




The next morning, at the service for Owen Henck (who has been cremated as part of a tradition on her son in law’s side of the family), we see a few people. A few classmates of Owen’s are there, but with their small family and lack of connections, it draws a smaller crowd. Lisa feels a bit upset about this fact but tries to maintain her composure as she tries to remember life with Owen. Beginning her eulogy, she begins to ramble a bit, but she tries to collect herself to remember times she had spent with Owen when he was young.


After the ceremony, a young woman comes up to Lisa to tell her that her speech was really touching. Lisa struggles to remember who she is. She introduces herself as Beth Cronan, Owen’s girlfriend for the 5 months prior to his death, and she is somewhat emotional about it. Lisa realizes that Owen had talked about her a little bit, but she had never actually met her. Beth remarks that she understands completely, further asking if she’d like to get dinner with her at a nearby diner that night. “He kept talking about you, and I feel like just getting close to you, I feel like I can know him a bit better.” Lisa says sure, but almost doesn’t really react to Beth’s sincerity. Beth feels a bit odd about that.


As they eat, we learn details about both Beth, Lisa, and Owen. Owen’s parents had died when he was about 7 years old in a car accident, leaving him in the care of Lisa for most of his life. Beth is a bit surprised, having never heard this. However, she did want to propose a ridiculous idea to her. One night, as the two were getting high, Owen humorously remarked that he dreamed of having his ashes buried at an arcade. She chuckles, but he had a specific one in mind. It was the Starlit Highway arcade near Astoria, Oregon. Just in the parking lot, or even inside, it seemed like such a fun idea. Beth found it funny much he rambled about it, and just about anything. She gives a slightly defeated sigh. However, she asks Lisa to come with her. Airfare is expensive, and she feels a bit lonely traveling by herself.


As Lisa spikes the coffee, Beth also remarks that it would probably be good for her to do this for her soon, but she probably should not be driving. “Good, I left my car in Indy anyway.” Still, Lisa is hesitant to do a (prompting Beth to check her phone) 22-hour drive to honor something he said while high. At the same time, she seems like a decent person, and being old can be boring as hell. She decides to come along.


As Lisa arrives to Beth’s apartment, she gives her an itinerary with a potential lodging location for each night they plan to stay. Today is Friday. If they drive most of Saturday and get a good night of rest, they can easily catch up. Beth remarks that she simply wants to have things planned out, while Lisa remarks that she needs to be more flexible in life. “I did list multiple options, and nothing is booked. I like to play travel agent a bit, so what?”


That night, try drive to Las Vegas with Owen’s urn in the backseat. Beth doesn’t have anything in her budget for anything close to the city, but Lisa remarks that she always wanted to come, and with this road trip being her idea, she at least wants to have a bit of fun on the way. She’s also got retirement money to spare, so That night, they stay at a mildly sleazy casino hotel outside of town. Beth, feeling tired from driving, decides to crash early. Lisa decides to sneak downstairs to the casino.


She begins to play at the slot games, soon seeing a lot of action going on. She looks around at a karaoke bar and decides to get a drink. Scoffing off flirtish old men, she reaches a point where the bartender cuts her off. We then cut to Owen feeling a bit weird as his friends are at a bar. The atmosphere is quite loud and uncomfortable to him, and he tries to get away from everything. Finding a quieter area in the basement’s bathroom, he chills there for a moment. Suddenly, two girls, one of which is Beth, runs toward the bathroom, right past Owen. We hear vomiting. Beth comes out, apologizing for the rush, but admitting the doesn’t mind the lack of noise (except vomiting). We see time begin to move quickly as they talk for a few hours in their hiding spot.


Beth wakes up at about 12:27am, her hand reaching out to the other side of her queen bed. Feeling a bit dismayed, but rubbing her eyes to regain clarity, she notices that Lisa isn’t there. She rolls her eyes and puts one some shoes. We follow her through the lobby as someone asks why she is in a robe. Beth simply flips her off. She catches Lisa singing “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree” while dancing with a few people on stage. Beth calls out that it’s “fucking April.” She humorously pleads to get Lisa to come back to bed, claiming that she’s sleepy and lonely. A guy in the audience misconstrues the situation, and Beth corrects him snappily. Lisa eventually gets off the stage and compromises, but trips. She’s luckily okay and hasn’t broken anything.


The next morning, Beth is driving on the highway, as Lisa is slowly walking up. Lisa chastises her for ruining her fun last night, but Beth says that she just wants to get through this trip. “I’m doing this for Owen, you care about that, right?” Lisa remarks that she really does care, but Owen loved fun just as much as she did. Beth says that she understands, but more than likely just wants to get back on the road.


That morning, Beth opens up a bit more about her relationship with Owen, surprised at how little Lisa knew. He mentions that he was an aspiring playwright, and he was working on writing a Shakespearean style love story that unfolds in the middle of the super bowl. Ironically, he didn’t even like football, and everything he wrote about the game was hilariously off base. Lisa would love to read the script, which Beth actually has on her phone. She can probably knock it out in the next hour or so.


As she reads the script, we see Owen trying to pitch the script to a fellow drama club student as his college, Ash. She seems annoyed, saying that he’s pitched this script so many times, and that they don’t have the time or workshop space to get it performed this semester. She did really enjoy it, but her hands are tied. Owen gets a bit more aggressive with her, potentially leading to an altercation. Beth notices this and tries to intervene. She remarks that if nothing else, she lives in a house with a large basement. They could turn it into a makeshift stage. Ash mouths a “thank you” to her as Owen comes up to her to start making plans.


Cutting to lunch, they begin to talk about the play, dissecting its flaws but knowing that it’s ultimately a strong work, and no work of art can ever be perfect. Beth remarks that if they do perform it, then she shouldn’t change anything about it. Lisa understands it. As Beth asks about memories that Lisa had with him, she begins to realize that aside from their childhood, she didn’t have many. He began to grow distant from her in middle school and got in a lot of trouble, but her memory of it all has blurred. Beth is a bit downhearted about it but promises that he was a good kid. Lisa thinks he would have loved going on a trip like this.


As they continue their next wave of the drive, they begin to realize that they’re more like the other than they think. While Beth doesn’t drink as much, they both have a similar, optimistic demeanor, and they both cared a lot about Owen. Their banter continues as they pass several stops. At one gas station, they try to stop and look at cars, imaging the stories of people as they pass through the road. Owen and Beth used to do this. One day, Owen remarks that he’s sorry if he snapped at Ash – he’s not even sure his play is good anyway. Beth remarks that they could at least just read it as is, and maybe just go from there.


They pass by a movie theater in town, realizing that it’s showing “Soccer Squirrels 2” – it’s a silly kids movie, but it reminds Beth of the their first movie night together, getting drunk and live tweeting about the first film. Lisa is surprised that Beth does drink, but they decide to go see it, feeling a bit weird as they buy tickets. As they watch the movie, we cut to Owen and Beth watching it from their own couch. Owen has to run downstairs and get something. Beth goes out into the hallway, hearing Owen fight with someone, the cause of which had been completely unclear. Owen gets intense and violent, and Beth, only able to hear everything, nervously returns to the TV. After a while, Owen returns, acting like nothing happened. Beth feels concerned but acts as if nothing happened.


At a bar afterwards, Beth sops Lisa from buying another drink, asking why she had done it so much on their trip. Lisa remarks that she just wants to have a bit of fun and live her best life. After some coaxing and discussing, Lisa admits that she was driving Owen’s parents when they were killed. She began to slowly become more and more dependent on alcohol to numb her pain after they died due to the guilt it caused her. Moreover, she worries that it pushed her away further from Owen when he needed her. Beth hugs her, remarking that she wants to get help with her as much as possible. They smile and arrive at their motel.


At the hotel, a news report is on TV on a local school play. Beth asks if Lisa really did like the script, to which she expresses full honesty in that she loved it. Beth smiles, but remarks that they never did get to read it. Owen was trying to pay bills for his own apartment after not being able to keep a part time job. He threw out the play, not caring about it anymore. Beth and Owen had gotten into several fights as he became more and more abrasive and violent. Beth wanted to help him, but also clearly wanted to leave. Owen had threatened to kill himself if she did.


As Lisa smuggles some night cookies from the lobby, Beth feels a bit more reserved then normal. She does eat some of the cookies, but she begins to remark that she actually wanted to move to Astoria. There was a local theater society she was interested in, and being on the coast and the pacific northwest seemed to be a magical combination. It’s what made him want to be in an arcade in the middle of that odd, beautiful little town. She wonders if it’s bad that she’s doing this just for closure. She knows it’s selfish. But it’s also kind of how she feels.


The next day, they will arrive at the Starlit Highway Arcade in about 7 hours. Beth drives fairly quickly, admitting that she wants to get the trip done and over with. We see several memories of darker times with Owen pass by as she drives faster and faster. Owen was acting more detached than ever in their final weeks. Beth knew that something was wrong, but she didn’t know how to help him. Eventually, Beth confesses that she broke up with him the day before…he killed himself.


Beth breaks down in tears, feeling like his death is her own fault. They pull over to a forest park where she gets out of the car, just trying to breathe for a moment. She only wanted to do this trip because of her own remorse. She doesn’t care that he said it literally one time. She just needed something to prove that she cared. Lisa, on the other hand, remarks that she’s acting like a complete fool.


This is what causes Beth to snap at her grandmother in law. She didn’t learn a damn thing from the night before and refuses to take any responsibility for her actions unless she can somehow get pity points for it. She just wants to fly the ashes and go home. She also remarks that she does in fact have enough money for a one-way airfare ticket, albeit on Spirit airlines. She can go back to Indianapolis now for all she cares. Beth will be out of her life, and she can spend the rest of her days in drunken abandon. However, she does apologize for her outburst, admitting that she’ll at least get her to the arcade.

We arrive at the Starlit Highway arcade. As they come inside, we see color in the movie for the first time. Beth sheepishly walks up to the arcade attendee (cameo by Daniel Henney) and asks about any possible way they can spread ashes near the property. After an amusing discussion, Henney is convinced. Lisa waits in the car, but sees Beth and the attendant come out. They scatter the ashes the opposite side of the street as the parking lot, worried that spreading ashes in that public location would be awkward. Beth and Lisa don’t speak to each other, furious with the other for their own reasons.


As Beth drives Lisa to their airport, Beth remarks that all told, what she doesn’t want is for Lisa to blame herself for what happened to Owen. They begin to reconcile, but haven’t exactly forgiven each other. At the airport, Beth drives away, tears in her eyes as she has a long road ahead of her. As Lisa spends time at the airport, she has a flashback to when she took a young Owen on a flight to Disney World when he was 9. They had such a good time together, and seeing parents with their children walk around, she quietly sits and waits for her flight.


On her phone, she looks up alcoholism recover programs in Indiannapolis, also trying to find Beth’s contact information on facebook. She sends several messages to her over the next few weeks, but doesn’t get a reply. Beth soon returns home to Phoenix, finding the messages but not seeing anything else.




Lisa receives a message from Beth for the first time. She says that she and Ash are doing a reading of Owen’s play, and that she’d like Lisa to come. We see her slowly beginning to recover, and Beth runs up to her at the airport and Hug’s her. “I’m really glad you came here.”


That night, we see the basement where they were going to perform the play. Beth and Ash lead the reading, giving hilariously over the top performances just how Owen would have wanted them. The reading is a success, and the small group loves it. At an after party, Lisa and Beth reconcile, as Beth gives Lisa her number. “I’m much better at responding there.” As someone offers her a drink at a “reception” for the play, Lisa remarks that she’s good with water for now.



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The Guardian of the West

Genre: Documentary/Western

Date: August 7th

Theaters: 13 (8/7), 89 (8/14), 315 (8/21), 1,092 (8/28)

Director: Morgan Neville

Narrator: Bryan Cranston

Runtime: 105min (1hr, 45min)

Rating: PG for smoking and some violent imagery


Wyatt Earp was said to be one of the greatest legends of the entire west. He enforced the law with swift power and incredible skill, accompanied by his two brothers, Morgan and Virgil, and his feisty tuberculosis-stricken ally, Doc Holliday. Wyatt had been through several adventures in his life, including the intense shootout at the O.K. Corral against a band of dangerous outlaws, and his vendetta ride to pursue those responsible for killing his brother. Along the way, he had found love in different forms, the most endearing relationship being with a woman named Josephine Marcus.


The story exudes his experiences as a frontier Marshall, however, He had grown up under the influence of his craving for adventure in the wild west, seeking to bring law to the crime infested land. He had gone from a boy in the Illinois plains to a strong and efficient man through years of building experience in the rough and tumble west. After his journeys had concluded, what followed was several more relaxed years, building a meaningful relationship with Josephine. His life story was one of a kind. 


Since his death in 1928, countless people have tried to understand more about this legendary figure, creating several autobiographies and films about him. Through all of his adventures in the west, he had created a legacy unlike any other. Perhaps there was no law officer as famous as he was. However, each novel, movie, and other story about the man each takes a different stance, with some heightening his heroic status and others forcing the label of a cold blooded killer. This documentary seeks to explore the real life story of Wyatt Earp as told through the search for documents and important information on the man's legend, as well as to examine the varying interpretations of Wyatt Earp in the 21st century. 


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The Doppleganger

Genre: Action/Crime/Comedy

Date: July 10th

Theaters: 3,207

Director: Greg Mottola

Cast: Sam Rockwell(Dennis Leibman / Edgar Porter), Maya Rudolph (Michelle Leibman), David Tennant (Liev Black), Armie Hammer (Francois Abert)

Rating: R for strong language, some violence, and crude sexual humor

Runtime: 105min (1hr, 45min)

Budget: $55 million



Dennis Leibman is an ordinary man living in Chicago. He has a beautiful wife, Michelle, two great kids, and a rather boring job as an insurance policy manager. Even though he lives in good conditions and has a great family, Dennis can't help but want something more in his life. He'll soon be able to get it. Edgar Porter is a snarky, shady, con artist and a wanted criminal across the entire United States. He's infuriated mobs, stolen lots of money, and slept with several women. Another key aspect of Porter: He looks almost exactly like Dennis Leibman. To make matters worse, his last known location of Porter was in Chicago, so the police are keeping an active eye out for him. As Leibman is walking down the city street, he is soon arrested by the police, who suspect that he is Edgar Porter, and he created a fake ID for himself.


At the city police department, the police find out that Dennis is an innocent man, and that he really wasn't Edgar. They release him from custody, and he returns home at a rather late hour. Michelle wonders where he's been, but Dennis says that it's a long story. As Michelle turns on the news, there is a story on infamous criminal Edgar Porter, (Dennis mentions how convenient this is) and how he was still on the run. The children humorously believe that daddy is a criminal. Dennis soon leaves for an business trip in Boston, although he is heavily checked at the airport again, much to his dismay. However, before he is about to board his flight, Dennis is knocked out by a mysterious person. The next thing we see is Dennis tied to a chair, and a familiar figure comes up to him: Edgar Porter.


Porter makes him an offer. His life is probably a boring mess, and he probably wants more. Porter offers Dennis the opportunity to be his body double, to take his falls and sometimes his beatings. In return, Porter's men would get him out of jail and pay him generously. Dennis is obviously ready to refuse, but with the men in the room having their guns pointed at him, Dennis sees that there is little choice for him. Dennis grudgingly shakes hands with Porter, and this ordinary business man is now brought along to the crazy life of one of the world's biggest criminals. Indeed, a typical day in the life of Edgar Porter involves making swindling offers with crime syndicates, having his men take out enemies of Porter, the occasional heist, and of course, the parties and the sex.


Dennis is not a very big fan of this process at all, which goes on for a while. The news would go crazy when he got arrested, only for him to be broken out and have people freak out once again. That, and he constantly receives calls from Michelle. However, Dennis admits that Porter is a rather interesting man. This causes the two to need extra care in their actions. However, Porter has big plans ahead. A Russian mobster named Leiv Black is Porter's biggest rival, and he essentially lives the same crazy life as him, although he is far more over the top and ridiculous than Edgar is. Edgar wants to turn him in to the United Nations so that this action will allow him to get away with more crime. 


Dennis asks Edgar why he's doing all of this. He initially says that he just wants to show off his talent and be able to live off of it, while Dennis doesn't buy it. Edgar finally caves. His true motivation for all of his crime spree was his family. He lived in a rather poor city, and his family was not very well off at all. His father was dead, and her mother has a nasty disease that will probably kill her if not treated. Edgar turned to crime in order to save his mother, and he just became consumed by this madness. He could find little else to do with his skills but commit crime. He wishes that it would all end, and that perhaps he can get a reduced jail sentence if he helps turn in Leiv Black. He never had the courage to tell his men, fearing that they would judge him. Dennis says that he'll help him.


Leiv Black is coming to the United States to attend the party of another famous criminal, Francois Aubert, and Edgar Porter is also expected to show up. The party is very stylish, where several despicable people are current present. Edgar and Dennis both come, while Dennis feels very uncomfortable in the environment. One man says to be a free lance detective, thrilled  that he had caught so many global enemies, only to get shot repeatedly by Leiv Black. Black proceeds to dominate the party's conversation, while there is much conversation and dancing going on. Dennis sneaks around back, calling the police. He comes back in, while Edgar nods at him. Edgar soon comes up to make a toast about how he has grown weary of being a criminal, and that he would not only finally step down, but he was taking every one of them with him. The police soon arrive.


Many of the criminals, led by Leiv, resist the police, shooting at them. However, Liev is then shot up, among other criminals at the party. Dennis tells the police that this was Edgar's plan, and that he will attest for him. The police arrest Edgar for 30 years, but he is glad that Dennis had gotten him out of this messed up life. Dennis returns to his family, glad to finally be out of this mess, but he forgot how bored he was with his job, cursing under his breath upon returning to his work place.


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Santa Claus: Ultimate Badass

"Ho, ho, holy s--t!"

Genre: Comedy/Action/Horror

Date: November 20st 

Theaters: 3,095

Director: Dave McCreary

Cast: John Cena (Santa Claus), Mila Kunis (Mrs. Claus), Samuel L. Jackson (Jingle), Chris Hemsworth (The King Of Evil), Jesse Plemons (Jolly), Channing Tatum (Cupid), David Oyelowo (Martin Luther King Jr.), Jason Statham (The Easter Bunny), Jason Sudekis (George Washington), Lady Gaga (Witch), Tom Hardy (Leprechaun)

Rating: R for strong bloody violence throughout, pervasive language including crude sexual humor, sexual content, nudity, and drug use

Runtime: 102min (1hr, 42min)

Production Budget: $30 million




It's Christmas eve, and Santa is out delivering all of his presents to the good kids. The narrator uses expletives in referring to naughty children. Save the narration, it's pretty much like most Christmas movies. Santa drops off gifts, eats cookies, and practices ultimate stealth. However, when he gets to one house, a werewolf is stalking him from a nearby bush. Just as he is about to go down the chimney, Santa notices the werewolf, and he becomes very aggravated. "Come out, you little *$%#!!" The werewolf attacks, and the two get into an epic, bloody brawl on the rooftop. A little boy wakes up. "Santa's here!" he yells excitedly. He runs down the stairs as Santa continues to fight the werewolf. However, just before he looks at the fireplace, Santa takes out a machete and is about to slice the werewolf's head off. Just then, we see the head fall down the chimney, and the boy screams in terror. He runs up the stairs crying before Santa goes down, stepping on the head one last time. He puts a blood covered present under the tree and takes in a warm glass of milk, immediately after adding some alcohol to it. "There's a reason my suit is red," Santa says.


Later on, Santa arrives back at the North pole, and everyone is ecstatic to see him once again. The elves, who look mostly like adults, get rowdy in cheering for Santa's successful night, and a wild party erupts across the entire North Pole. Meanwhile, at Santa's Workshop, which looks essentially like a warehouse, Santa and his wife, Mrs. Claus, have a chat. Mrs. Claus is sad that Santa had to get into another bloody fight with monsters again. "You see, I've got two jobs: making children happy and appearing decent to society, and ripping the bleeping heads of monsters to prevent them from killing everyone." Well, the major job was done for the year, and the second job only occurred sometimes. Santa remembers his first monster killing to Mrs. Claus, animated like the old stop motion Christmas cartoons. A teenage Santa is creating a bloody mess, fighting all kinds of monsters and bad guys in a secretive area of China, overlooked by a wise, elf-looking elder. The two laugh about these memories, and they just hope that no more monsters will attack for a while. Of course, the two have sex later that night, and some perverted elves watch on, laughing and cheering.


Meanwhile, we see a fiery hall at the center of the Earth, and a man, the (self proclaimed?) King Of Evil is listening to heavy metal while watching monsters killing people in B-movies. We see that this person is kind of a giant a-hole, acting like a complete jerk and tool towards everyone around him. He sees a minion, an odd creature, come in and tell him that Santa had once again killed one of their finest operatives. The King becomes initially shocked, but he soon becomes pissed off. He first orders the minion to be beheaded, not giving a crap about the "Don't shoot the messenger" rule. (I told you he was a jerk.) Then, he wants to come up with the ultimate plan to not only finish off Santa Claus for good, but also to destroy the universe. An advisor of the king says that this is quite a step up, and he's not certain if the king is truly being rational. The King retaliated by saying that if he's the king, then he can do what he wants. Besides, in destroying the world, they would place themselves in their own world. The advisor doesn't understand the logic in this, but the King just says that he's working on it.


We later see a cheerful village in Switzerland. Kids are playing in the snow, people are yodeling with secretly provocative lyrics, and people are just acting happy, and in the spirit of the season. We see one man, pushing a cart of bread, but he is attacked from the side by a mysterious creature. Everyone panics when they see the body, and even more when it's revealed to be a vampire. Several creates soon come up and attack the town, as people are running and screaming. As an evil dragon is about to set fire to a building, we see a man speaking in German, saying, "Oh no! The building is burning! Showing it in the movie will also make this too expensive!" Everything was in a state of terror, and news reports all over the world, some portrayed in a silly manner, depicting the tragedy in Switzerland. Most newscasters are laughing at the reports of witnesses, even though they are true. Santa and the elves at the north pole see this and become rather agitated. The monsters are back to attack, and Old St. Nick's going to have to finish them off for good.


Over the next scene, we see Santa meeting up with two elves. One of which, Jingle, is a foul mouthed weapons expert, and the second one, Jolly, is a silly and constantly happy stoner elf, probably because he’s often high. Note the ironic placement of names. Santa Claus asks for analysis on the current situation, as well as advice on what weapons to use for his strike against The King of Evil and his minions. Jingle presents him with a huge series of weapons, some of which are hilariously ridiculous.The two elves have also worked on a mechanism to attach machine guns to each of the reindeer. Santa is impressed with this arsenal, and he decides that it’s time to come to town. They travel back to Paris, France, where a big chain of Zombies is about to attack. Pretty soon, it becomes a bloodbath in the city as the citizens and tourists in Paris are running away from the zombie horde. In a few moments, however, Santa swoops in and begins to kill all of the zombies! Meanwhile, Mrs. Claus is shooting up zombies with her handgun, and Jingle & Jolly are killing zombies with their own weapons.In the end, Paris is saved, although no one believes that Santa Claus did the saving.


Shortly afterward, The King Of Evil has a temper tantrum in his awesome lair. Santa and his army just had a major victory. He soon realizes that he must continue to keep fighting Santa’s army (in a variety of cliched battles set in major cities.) His advisor tells him that he’s just being cliched. He should do something more original. The King casually shoots him in the face, killing him instantly. Over the course of the middle third of the film, Santa keeps winning battles against the evil forces, and The King Of Evil keeps preparing for his ultimate strike against the entire universe. After getting back to the North Pole from a major victory, Santa is shocked to find a ransom note from The King Of Evil. “I’ve got your sexy wife. For every day you don’t surrender, I’m going to...” Santa vomits as he keeps reading this. He realizes that he must prepare all of his forces to save his wife, as well as the entire universe. He is soon joined by The Easter Bunny, The Leprechaun, Cupid, Martin Luther King Jr., George Washington, The Thanksgiving Turkey, some Halloween witch, and a leprechaun. These are some of the most badass heroes that the world has been protected by, and they are all teaming up to save the entire universe. It is now go time.


What follows is the most epic battle the universe has ever witnesses, one that is extremely gory. The Holiday heroes and their armies are attacking the monsters of the King. Meanwhile, we see Santa try to find his wife in the lair of the King. He does find her, but she is tied to the King’s bed. The King of Evil soon finds him, and an epic battle soon begins. In the end, Santa slashes the King in half using the most badass sword ever imagined. Upon his defeat, all of the evil monsters vanish into thin air, as does any trace of the destruction that he caused. As this is happening, Santa and Mrs. Claus make out near the King’s mutilated, dead body. In the end, no one understands what had truly happened, but Santa knows that he will still protect the world from people who only want to mess things up. His final monologue is laced with profanity, and Santa imagines what his next challenge will be. We then see the ad for a new toy, a cute little monster that says, “Tell everyone that you want me for Christmas!” the monster then shifts to a freakishly evil face and voice, saying, “OR I WILL KILL THE ONES YOU LOVE.”



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1 minute ago, YourMother the Edgelord said:

Don’t you mean November 20th, also @Xillix God of War: Retribution is done.


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"Don't be a pussy..."

By the Balls


Studios: Blankments Productions

EssGeeKay Studios

Co-writer/Director: Tony Yacenda

Co-writers: Dan Perrault

Jessica Meyer

Producers: Adam McKay

Bradley Cooper

Genre: Satirical Dark Comedy

Release Date: August 14

Major Cast:

Olivia Cooke as Jordan Richards

Jimmy Tatro as Tom Russell

Awkwafina as Stephanie Cho

Jacob Tremblay as Tommy Russell

Sam Neill as Coach Dewey

A'ja Wilson as Akeelah Ward

With Lisa Kudrow as Dr. Marcia Young

With LeBron James as Dean James Kidd

And Bradley Cooper as Thomas Russell


Supporting Cast:

Brigette Lundy-Paine as Alexis
Kylie Bunbury as Tia
Peyton List as Judy
Eden Sher as Star
Shannon Purser as Bailey
Lana Condor as Kelly
Laura Harrier as Val
Seimone Augustus as herself

Skylar Diggins-Smith as herself

Britney Griner as herself

Mike Golic as himself

Mike Greenberg as himself

Ryan O'Flanagan as a professor


Theater Count: 3,158

MPAA Rating: R for strong language, crude sexual references and innuendo, and alcohol use.

Runtime: 107 min

Production Budget: $35 million

Music by: Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross


Plot Summary:  Jordan Richards, a freshman journalism student, struggles to write a story about senior Tom Russell, who inexplicably is on the women’s basketball team and is one of the top prospects for the WNBA. 



Journalism professor Dr. Marcia Young wraps up a Freshman class and lets them leave, but she asks Jordan Richards to stay after class. Jordan approaches and Dr. Young tells Jordan that her final article idea about Tom Russell won’t work. She explains that there’s no story and that the Dean might not approve of the negative publicity the story might bring. Jordan is confused.


Jordan: You seriously don’t see a story with the star of the women’s basketball team being a man?

Marcia bluntly answers, “no.”


A montage of highlight reels, TV interviews and press conferences (including the Mike and Mike show) plays over the opening credits, revealing that Tom is considered a top prospect of the WNBA. The footage abruptly cuts as Jordan closes her laptop. She heads off towards the gym, speaking into her phone to make note that she about to interview the women’s basketball coach, Coach Dewey.

Jordan meets with Coach Dewey in his office, who tells her he’s not interested in answering any questions. She is confused and he again tells her he doesn’t answer questions.

Cut a post-game press conference. A female reporter asks Dewey how he thinks the game went. He cuts her off and tells her, ”no questions!”

Cut back to Jordan and Dewey. He tells her that she should talk to the Dean if she’s so concerned, but he warns her that the Dean doesn’t even like basketball. He also says she’s welcome to talk to the players who are practicing right now. She leaves and goes out on the court.

On the court the team scrimmages, so Jordan singles out the only player on the bench, Bailey Smith. Jordan sits next to Bailey and asks if they can talk about Tom. Bailey seems uncomfortable and says that she and Tom don’t get along. Jordan asks where Tom even is, and Bailey says he often misses practice to hang out with his girlfriend Stephanie Cho. Jordan asks Bailey why she’s on the bench and if she likes to play. Bailey tells her she was a pretty good player in high school and joined the team her Freshman year of college. She says that when Tom joined the team a year later, he immediately didn’t get along with her. Jordan asks her to elaborate and Bailey tells her that Tom refuses to play with her.

Cut to a game where Coach Dewey calls Bailey off the bench. Tom stops him and whispers something to him. Dewey motions for Bailey to sit back down.

Back to Jordan and Bailey, Jordan asks how this treatment happened. Bailey says that Jordan is not the only person to question Tom being on the team, but nobody else will admit to it or they will end up on the bench too. Jordan asks why Bailey doesn’t scrimmage with the rest of the team if Tom isn’t there now. Bailey says it’s her Senior year and that there’s no use practicing if she’s never going to play. Bailey wraps up the conversation, but tells Jordan that if she wants to talk to the other players openly about Tom, she should come to their team sleepover that night.

Jordan decides to go to the dorms to see if she can meet up with Stephanie and Tom. She knocks on Stephanie’s door. Stephanie answers the door in only her underwear and recognizes Jordan from the library, where Stephanie works. Jordan asks if it’s a bad time. Stephanie says of course not and invites her in. As Jordan enters, she notices a strap-on on Stephanie’s desk. Stephanie amiably chats about how Tom just left because he got a call from his dad. Jordan says that that’s what she wanted to talk to her about. Stephanie’s demeanor immediately changes. She unsubtly tells Jordan that she and Tom have been dating for over a year and that nothing will ever come between them. Jordan backtracks and says she only wants to talk about Tom’s basketball career. Stephanie flatly tells her there’s nothing to talk about besides how good Tom is. Jordan clarifies that what Stephanie means is that Tom is good at basketball. Stephanie corrects her and says she means as a person. She passionately tells Jordan that Tom has worked hard for everything he’s been given and that he’s the best person she knows. Jordan stares at her blankly and just asks, “why?”

Stephanie narrates to Jordan about how she and Tom first met. As she explains that were in chemistry class together and shared a connection without even talking, we see a flashback of Stephanie and Tom staring into each other’s eyes. She continues to narrate, and we see how during an experiment he purposely spilled hydrofluoric acid on himself and asked her to help him in the safety shower. She peels off his shirt and they both go under the water. Stephanie tells Jordan that they had sex immediately after class and have been together ever since. She affectionately mentions that Tom still has a scar on his chest from the incident. Jordan doesn’t understand how a scar ended up on his chest when he spilled the acid on his hands, and Stephanie just smiles.

Jordan quickly moves on, asking how Stephanie feels about Tom being on the team. Stephanie says she’s supportive and proud of him. Jordan asks if Stephanie thinks it’s weird that he’s on the women’s team and potentially taking a spot from a female player. Stephanie insists that she knows that he’s a good person and that she doesn’t play basketball, so him being on the team doesn’t harm or take anything away from her personally. Stephanie cuts their meeting short, as she has to go to the local Greek buffet, Konstantino’s, because it’s Taco Night which means she and Tom are gonna have so much great sex because “my pussy is gonna taste like tacos.”

Jordan walks into Dr. Young’s office to check in on her progress and prove that the article has a shot. Marcia looks over Jordan’s notes and finds that she agrees with Stephanie that because she doesn’t play basketball, Tom’s playing doesn’t harm her. Jordan firmly but respectfully tells her professor that she is missing the point, but Marcia responds that other people are more likely to agree with her and Stephanie. After all, not everyone has the education or white privilege that Jordan has. Jordan points out that that Marcia is both highly educated and white and Marcia shakes her head, saying this is why Jordan isn’t a good fit for journalism, being unable to empathize with minority groups. Jordan doesn’t understand this at all, asking Marcia if she’s calling her racist. Marcia shrugs and says you said it, not me.

Jordan decides to go to Taco Night at Konstantino’s to try to talk to Tom. When she arrives, she looks inside the building and sees that it’s empty besides Tom and Stephanie, and another man, Tom’s father, Thomas. Thomas wears a track suit and is very dadbod/chubbster. He notices Jordan watching from outside and rushes out, jumping over some tables poorly to confront her. He angrily asks her why she’s watching his son while he’s eating and asks if she’s a pervert. Jordan is taken aback by Thomas’s attitude and apologizes, explaining that she’s simply writing a story about Tom and wanted to talk to him. Inside, Tom and Stephanie watch the confrontation but then Stephanie instigates a make out session, with tacos still in their mouths. Thomas tells Jordan that any interviews need to be scheduled with Tom’s agent, who happens to be Thomas. Jordan, taking a gamble, asks if she can also set up a time to interview him. After all, why wouldn’t she want to get to know the father of one of the greatest college women’s basketball players? Thomas agrees to speak with her, but is skeptical and says it has to be on his own terms. He scolds her again for interrupting their dinner, telling her Taco Night at Konstantino’s is Tom’s personal time and a sacred tradition going back many generations. Jordan apologizes again and Thomas tells her he’ll be watching her before starting to head inside. Jordan stops him, wanting to give him her contact information, but he laughs and says that he has ways of contacting her. He doubles back and attempts to kick over a newspaper machine outside the restaurant but fails, instead taking out the remaining newspapers and throwing them on the ground. He holds his foot in pain as he walks back inside.

Jordan, not knowing what to do now, checks her phone and sees a text from Bailey reminding her of the party tonight. Jordan responds that she’ll be there.

Jordan arrives at team captain Akeelah’s house, and is surprised and embarrassed to realize that it’s a non-denominational holiday party and that the team is doing a secret gift exchange. Akeelah gives her a warm welcome and introduces her to the rest of the team: bookish Alexis, party girl Tia, Freshman Judy, neurotic Star, blunt Kelly, and reserved Val. Bailey is also there with the team, and they’re all friendly with Jordan, who admits that she came just to learn more about Tom and what it’s like on the team. The teammates all exchange looks and laugh. Jordan cautiously asks if anyone has a crush on Tom and is met with a chorus of “no” from the rest of the women. Alexis calls out Jordan for being heteronormative and Jordan insists that she’s just doing journalism. Jordan talks to Kelly, who explains that she’s a Vietnamese immigrant who got into basketball to spite her parents. She says that having Tom on the team is both a good and a bad thing, since in her parents’ eyes she is competing with a man so she is not good enough at her sport, but she kinda likes it since her parents are disappointed in her.

Tia cracks open a bottle of tequila and passes it out to everyone, including Jordan. Jordan initially refuses but Tia and Kelly insist that everyone there has to drink. Akeelah encourages Jordan to loosen up and have fun, and tells her that she can trust them. Jordan and the rest of the girls drink up, except Star, who doesn’t drink alcohol. Jordan focuses her attention on Star, who explains that she doesn’t drink because she’s got an anxiety disorder and needs to have consistency in her life. Jordan tells her that must be hard with someone unpredictable like Tom on the team, and Star agrees to an extent, but she also says that because he always plays and takes over the press conferences, and because she’s used to hearing Thomas yelling at the games, at this point Tom’s presence is a comforting routine for her.

Akeelah announces that it’s time to exchange gifts, and Jordan wistfully watches the teammates being friendly and laughing with each other. Tia then suggests they play their favorite drinking game. Tia puts on a press conference from earlier in the season and explains the rules to Jordan: take a sip every time Coach Dewey says “no questions,” take a shot every time Tom interrupts, and take 2 shots every time Thomas interrupts.

The press conference opens with Coach Dewey taking the stage, flanked by Tom and Akeelah and the rest of the team around them. The press conference proves to be a mansplaining bonanza with Dewey refusing to answer any questions, allowing Thomas to take the stage, and all questions being directed to Tom over Akeelah. Jordan and the other women drink several times and begin to become intoxicated. Jordan drunkenly asks Akeelah how she puts up with Tom, and Akeelah answers that she knows she’s a better player than Tom and that will be the only thing that matters in the end. Jordan argues that being the best at something is never good enough when there are men like Tom and Thomas around who can take whatever they want. Akeelah tells her the men can’t take away her skills, and that her being content with who she is is the ultimate form of revenge against them. Jordan brushes her off, telling her that being content with herself means nothing when men tell her she’s not good enough. Akeelah tells her it’s best to just agree to disagree in this situation.

Judy interrupts to tell the other women to check Twitter. They all laugh at their phones, and Alexis shows Jordan what they’re laughing at: a subtweet from Tom.

@the_real_tom_russell: Thought teammates meant something. Guess I was wrong. Won’t confuse team for friends anymore #lessonlearned

An amused Jordan asks if this is in response to their slumber party, and Alexis tells her that Tom always subtweets them whenever they hang out without him. Judy tells them to check out Stephanie’s tweet next.

@chocolatecho: NO ONE DISRESPECTS MY BABY #bitcheswillpay #fuckthehaters #teamtom

Jordan jokingly suggests checking Thomas’s Twitter and Judy pulls it up.

@mrthomasrussell: trust no one, not even your son’s “friends” #teamtom

The group all laughs at Thomas’s tweet when suddenly another tweet appears:

@mrthomasrussell anyone who laughs at me will regret it some day :)
They all look around uneasy when they notice Kelly Facebook-living the party. Akeelah yells at Kelly loudly and Jordan and the rest of the women are shocked to see this angry side of her. Akeelah calms down slightly and reminds Kelly that they aren’t allowed to post to social media during social events since anything they do can be used against them by Thomas. Jordan is shocked to hear this and presses for more information, but Akeelah and the rest of the women brush her off. Kelly tells them not to worry about it, she’s already deleted the video. Everyone is still uneasy, but to break the tension, Tia suggests they drink more and to forget about the Russells for the night. Jordan and the team drink more. Jordan, now extremely intoxicated, apologizes to the team for coming to them as a reporter and tells them all how much she likes them. She admits that she doesn’t have a lot of friends and that people think she’s too serious and not fun. She pointedly asks Akeelah, Tia, and Val if they think she’s racist. They laugh and tell her no, and Jordan giddily shouts “fuck you, Marcia Young!” She freezes when she notices Bailey recording her. Bailey hurriedly explains that she’s using Jordan’s phone to record her, and that she only wanted to record her so that Jordan could see later how much fun she’s having. Jordan bursts into tears and tells the group she feels like this is the first time she’s had friends in college. She hugs Bailey and the rest of the team joins in for a group hug. Akeelah jokes that she wishes Jordan played basketball instead of Tom. Kelly mentions that she prefers group hugs so much more when she doesn’t feel Tom’s boner.

Early the next morning, Jordan is woken up by the sound of her phone ringing. Very hungover, she picks it up. On the other end, Thomas tells her that if she wants to do an interview with him and/or Tom it has to be at this very moment. Panicking, Jordan gets up and tries to buy some time as she starts to get ready without waking the team, but Thomas insists that it’s now or never. As Jordan rushes around, Thomas is interrupted by someone on the other end. In hushed tones he explains that they’ll have to watch cartoons together later since he’s dealing with something right now. There’s a pause and then Thomas tells the other person not to cry. Suddenly, a woman’s voice screaming is heard at him, telling him to “treat my baby well.” He tells Jordan that they’ll have to reschedule their interview and hangs up without giving her a chance to speak. She catches her breath, then quickly runs to the bathroom to throw up.  As she exits the bathroom, Bailey catches her and smiles, saying she was a lot more fun last night than when they had met at practice. Jordan, not knowing what to say and not wanting to confront the rest of the team, quickly leaves the house.

Jordan decides to interview the Dean of the university and makes her way to his office. Jordan introduces herself to Dean James Kidd, telling him she’s a journalism student writing an article on Tom, and that she’d like to ask the Dean a few questions. James says he’s happy to answer any question she has; he loves when students come to interview him. Jordan is surprised by his cooperation. James admits that he doesn’t really like basketball, but when it comes to Tom, he finds that any publicity is good publicity. When Jordan asks him to expound, he explains that their school in all athletics is division III or worse. Yet, because of Tom, they have WNBA scouts coming to the game this week. He might not care for basketball, but he’s seen an increase in general interest in the campus since Tom and Akeelah started playing. Jordan agrees that Akeelah is a great role model for her fellow female peers, but asks if Tom’s spot on the team is sending the right message to the university’s students. James bluntly asks what message Tom is sending, and Jordan answers that Tom is potentially taking away an opportunity from a female student.

The Dean cuts her off, telling her that he was close to cutting all funding for the women’s basketball team before Tom joined, and that if women really wanted to join the team they would have before, but since they didn’t, Tom was the one who saved the team. Jordan looks at her notes and mentions that before Tom joined the team, the funding for the women’s team was half of the men’s despite the women’s being significantly better. She points out that the women’s team only got an increase in spending when Tom joined, and the Dean tells her that that should settle it then; Tom is the saving grace of the team, and that any women currently on the team or those that are planning to join in the future should be thankful for him.

Jordan doesn’t buy this and James says that’s fine. Universities are meant for different opinions.  Jordan explains that she believes Akeelah on her own is such a star player that the popularity would’ve skyrocketed despite Tom, pointing out Akeelah’s stats as proof she is one of the best players in the NCAA right now, regardless of division. James shrugs and says he doesn’t understand what she’s talking about, basketball is all gibberish to him. Jordan angrily replies that maybe he shouldn’t be making decisions on women's basketball when he clearly doesn’t understand it at all. James says they should agree to disagree and asks if she has any more questions. Jordan replies, still frustrated, with a no, and James asks if he can offer some advice, with his experience in school administration of how to get things done. Jordan shrugs and tells him to go ahead. James tells her that maybe if she smiled more, people would be more willing to listen to her point of view. Jordan leaves with a huge fucking smile on her face, clearly wanting to show her annoyance with the Dean.

Jordan stands outside the Dean’s office for a moment thinking, then pulls out her phone and dials Dr. Young, asking her if she’s in her office. Jordan tells her she wants to meet with her and she’ll be there soon.

At Marcia’s office, the confused professor asks Jordan why should would want to change her article topic from Tom to Akeelah. Jordan explains that she’s got the wrong angle right now, and it would be better to focus on the positives of Akeelah’s success rather than the negatives of Tom’s story. Marcia asks what’s so negative about Tom’s story; it’s a man who faced adversity to accomplish something no other man has done. Jordan insists that Akeelah’s story is much more compelling, and that despite having a spectacle on her team who overshadows her, she’s still managed to become one of the top prospects of the WNBA. Marcia shrugs and tells her she doesn’t see much of a story there. Exasperated, Jordan asks what Marcia’s problem with Akeelah is, and Marcia explains that she supports women, but since it’s a women’s basketball team and Akeelah is a black player, she doesn’t really see what’s special about her. Jordan tells her Akeelah is special because of, or rather, despite Tom, and that in a situation where she should be thriving she has to work extra hard. Marcia bluntly tells her she doesn’t see how a black woman should have to work that hard to keep her spot on the basketball team, and that if Jordan tries to change her topic now she’ll get an automatic F. Jordan says that’s unfair and that Akeelah’s story would be a powerful piece. Marcia asks Jordan why she hates men. Jordan, frustrated and dejected, leaves to head to her only class of the day.

In class, Jordan struggles to concentrate as she takes notes on her story while her professor lectures. The whole class is interrupted by the loud ringing of her phone. She quickly picks it up, and Thomas, on the other end, tells her that right now is the only time that’s good for a =n interview. Her professor (Ryan O’Flanagan) gives her a dirty look. She tells Thomas that now is great for her and quickly and loudly packs her things, further disrupting class. Finally, she leaves.

Jordan arrives at the Russell house and knocks on the door. When no one answers, she looks around for a moment and is suddenly startled by Thomas, who jumps out from the side of the house wearing only swim trunks. He tells Jordan he was working on his tan and invites her inside. Inside the house, Jordan observes several family photos on the walls of Thomas, Tom, and a younger child. When Jordan asks who he is, Tom explains that’s his youngest son, Tommy. Jordan also notices that many of the pictures have been roughly cut or torn along the edge. Thomas offers her some five-hour energy drinks as a refreshment. Jordan declines, and Thomas shrugs, saying “More for me!” Thomas chugs two five-hour energies and then tells Jordan they can get started as soon as he gets dressed. She tells him sure. He startles her again by shouting for Tommy to bring him his tracksuit. Tommy rushes down the stairs and hands his father a purple tracksuit. Thomas looks at the suit and then at Tommy and loudly scolds the boy, asking him why he would bring him his Monday tracksuit when he knows it’s a Friday. Tommy bashfully apologizes and starts to head upstairs. Thomas stops him and gently scolds him again, reminding him to never apologize. Tommy smiles and says he knows that! Tommy does a quick but not that impressive dance move and runs upstairs to get the other tracksuit. Thomas brags that Tommy is a talented actor and dancer, and that talent clearly runs in the family. He pointedly looks at Jordan, who quickly agrees. Thomas eyes her, but doesn’t say anything. Tommy comes downstairs with the correct tracksuit and hands it to his father, who puts it on.

Thomas leads Jordan to the kitchen for the interview. She sits at the kitchen table while he pulls out some leftover Chinese takeout from Konstantino’s and squirts a generous helping of ranch on top. He offers it to Jordan but she declines. He says he has ketchup if she wants that and Jordan once again says no. Thomas talks about his love of the Greek buffet restaurant Konstantino’s, and how tradition is very important for their family. Jordan outright asks why Thomas, Tom, and Tommy all have the same name. Thomas asks her that if something is flawless, why should he mess with perfection. Jordan asks what Thomas does for a living, and Thomas smiles and says he’s a full time father and manager for both his sons. Jordan, surprised, asks him what he has to manage for Tommy. Thomas screams for Tommy to come to the kitchen and Tommy enters, holding a book of monologues. Thomas asks him how the memorizing is going, and Tommy says he doesn’t understand why he needs another monologue in his large repertoire. Thomas explains that variety is the spice of life, as he eats his eggrolls with ranch. Jordan proposes talking about Tom and the basketball team, but Thomas cuts her off, telling Tommy to perform a monologue for them. Jordan says it isn’t necessary but Thomas interrupts her again, telling her this will be impressive.

Tommy stands in front of them and delivers a melodramatic (but well-acted) monologue about deciding to go through with artificial insemination as Jordan reacts with a very disturbed look. When he finishes, Thomas applauds, wiping away a tear from his eye. Tommy bows and briefly says he thinks he could have done a little better at some points, but quickly explains that he’s still the best! Thomas tells him that he honestly believed he was gonna be a grandpa after that monologue and Tommy beams with delight. Tommy skips off happily as Thomas smiles with pride. Jordan watches with unease. Thomas turns to her and demands to know what she thought of Tommy’s performance. She answers honestly that Tommy is very good, but the subject matter might not be appropriate for him. Thomas laughs and asks her if Sylvester Stallone has ever boxed. Jordan doesn’t follow and Thomas explains that Stallone acted damn well in Rocky that he made you think he was a boxer. The subject of the monologue doesn’t matter because Tommy is an incredible actor, even better than Stallone, who Thomas points out is one of the greatest actors alive. Thomas pulls out his phone and shows Jordan a video, explaining that Tommy recently played Jasmine in his school’s production of Aladdin Jr.

The video shows Tommy in a blue football tee and a male student in a movie-accurate Aladdin costume singing A Whole New World. The song finishes and from Thomas’s POV, he stands up and loudly applauds his son. The rest of the actors come out for a curtain call, including other male and female students. We hear Thomas loudly shouting “that’s my son!” as he records himself running up to the stage to give Tommy a hug, even as people try to stop him from interrupting curtain call.

Thomas puts down his phone and wipes away fresh tears, but fully breaks down into sobs. Through passionate tears he explains to Jordan how proud he is that his sons were able to realize their full potential, and that they take after him in every aspect, not their mother. Jordan delicately asks where the boy’s mother is and Thomas coldly sobers up, telling Jordan that their mother is a lying bitch, and that she’s no longer a part of any of their lives. Jordan suggests again that they talk about Tom on the basketball team. Thomas asks her what she wants to know. Jordan asks why Tom decided to try out for the women’s team instead of the men’s. Thomas laughs like it’s obvious, and says that on the women’s team, Tom is the best. There’s no guarantee he would be the best on the men’s team. His boys deserve to be the best. When Jordan points out that on a women’s team, a woman should be the best, Thomas interrupts, saying that his son is capable of doing anything a woman can do, and he deserves an opportunity to prove it. Jordan asks why. Thomas asks her to elaborate, and again, she asks why Tom deserves an opportunity. Thomas explains that after their mother left, he raised the boys to live by a certain philosophy so that they would never be denied opportunity.

Thomas: If I’ve taught my boys one thing, it’s that they’ve got to grab life by the balls. *begins fondling the air* They’ve gotta squeeze the balls, massage them. Twist the nutsacks of life so hard that their knuckles turn white. They’ve gotta wring out every last drop of opportunity life has to offer them, and let it shoot out all over them and lather themselves with life’s cum. Don’t be a pussy, really get in there. Just grab those testicles and screw the shit out of life’s scrote. Only then can you truly be happy with yourself.

Jordan stares at Thomas, mouth agape.

Thomas: Do I need to go into more detail?

Jordan: No! That won’t be necessary. I’m good!

Thomas openly asks Jordan why she wanted to write a story about Tom. She explains that it’s something that’s unexpected and that while Tom takes this opportunity, he’s potentially taking the opportunity away from someone else more suited for the position. Thomas quietly asks Jordan what she has against his son and his family. When Jordan falters, he doubles down, accusing her of undermining him at every turn and calling her jealous and untalented. Completely taken aback, Jordan stands, deciding she had better go. Thomas’s demeanor changes back into a friendly one, and he also stands, telling Jordan he’ll walk her out. As he walks her to the door, he cheerfully tells Jordan she reminds him of his ex-wife. He also tells her that he’s sorry she had to miss class to talk to him today. Jordan stops, telling him that she never mentioned that she had to leave class. Thomas laughs and opens the door.

On the other side of the door stands Stephanie and Tom are on the other side making out. Jordan clears her throat, annoyed, and Stephanie and Tom break apart. Stephanie bristles upon seeing Jordan, and demands to know what she’s doing there. Jordan tells her she was just leaving, but Stephanie blocks her from exiting. She asks Jordan why she’s been avoiding Tom and Jordan says she hasn’t been avoiding him at all, but it’s been impossible to set up an interview. Stephanie accuses Jordan of trying to write a smear piece against her boyfriend without ever talking to him and hearing his side of the story. Tom starts crying and Stephanie and Thomas rush over to him. Tom tearfully asks Jordan why she hates him. Jordan exasperatedly tries to explain that she has nothing against Tom personally, she just doesn’t think he should be on the women’s basketball team. Tom cries even harder and Stephanie demands that Jordan leaves. Jordan says she’ll gladly leave but if Tom has a problem with her writing a “smear piece” without his comments, she’d be happy to interview him right now. Thomas says that’s ridiculous but Tom wipes his eyes and says he’ll do it now, and rip-off the band-aid. He looks at his dad and says he needs to grab this by the balls and Thomas smiles, nodding happily. Stephanie says she’ll be there for him.

They go back inside and Tom sits down, flanked by both Thomas and Stephanie. Thomas starts a timer, saying that he’ll only allow Jordan to interview him for ten minutes. Jordan asks Tom why he chose to be on the women’s basketball team. Tom explains that he likes women a lot, they make him feel good. Jordan says that she likes men but she’d never try out for the men’s swimming team. Tom doesn’t follow and Thomas interrupts, saying that he doesn’t see the point of the question. If she wants to interview Tom, she needs to stick to basketball. Jordan glares at him, but says alright, she’ll ask a few different questions. She mentions that the WNBA scouts are coming to tomorrow’s game, and how Tom feels about that. Tom says he’s excited; he’s been training hard all week for the scouts, and Jordan is confused by this. She points out he wasn’t at the practice yesterday and Tom says that it was Taco Night at Konstantino’s and he never misses a Taco Night. Jordan points out that she was interviewing Stephanie way before that, and Stephanie denies this. Jordan says this is a fact, and Stephanie says she has no proof of when they had their interview. Jordan is annoyed by the deflection and decides to ignore Stephanie. She then asks Tom what the next step is. Does he seriously think he’ll be able to play for the WNBA as a man? Tom doesn’t understand why he wouldn’t be able to; this is America, right? He’s offered equal opportunity in any pursuit of life and liberty and pursuit of happiness, why can’t he try to be in professional’s women’s basketball? Thomas nods in approval as Jordan tries to conceal her disgust. She attempts to explain that the WNBA only came to exist fifty years after the NBA and that was for women to actually have a chance at playing professional sports. Tom gets angry and asks her if Akeelah sent her. Jordan doesn’t follow and Tom says that he thinks this is revenge from Akeelah, who sent Jordan to sabotage his chances of getting drafted by the WNBA. Jordan insists that Akeelah would never do such a thing, and Tom tells his dad to stop the clock.

Thomas does and, in an uninterrupted shot, Tom goes on a long rant in anger saying that the past two days with his team constantly having parties with Jordan and not with him have been the worst days of his life. He hates being told he did something wrong when he believes he has done nothing wrong. The Dean has commended him on the basketball team and it’s only Akeelah and Bailey who ever seem to have issues with him. He begins to cry and say earlier today, he had to explain to his girlfriend that he saw nothing wrong with him playing women’s basketball. Stephanie had said to him that maybe, just maybe, they should pray for Jordan to find her way. Tom says that’s the smartest thing he ever heard Stephanie say, as Stephanie kisses him gently, wiping away his tears. Tom ends with saying he’s only 24; he’s practically still a kid. If to have dreams of being a WNBA player is wrong, he doesn’t want to be right. He tells Thomas he’s ready to continuing the questioning and Thomas restarts the clock, ending the long-take.

Jordan, undeterred by the weird outburst, asks Tom if he’s okay with preventing women from achieving their dreams by taking a spot on both the women’s college basketball team and the WNBA. Tom says it’s ridiculous; if every person in the country who followed their dream was told they were ruining someone else’s, what would happen to the American dream? You gotta grab your dream by the balls to make it happen after all. Jordan tries to move onto another question but Tom asks her if she’s ever had a dream. Jordan says she doesn’t want to waste time, but Tom refuses to move on unless she answers. Jordan asks Thomas to stop the clock and Thomas says it doesn’t seem necessary. With Tom being stubborn, Jordan says she’s always wanted to write for a big sports magazine. Tom asks her if she’d be okay writing for Golf Digest if she’s never played golf or cared about golf journalism. Jordan says that’d be fine and Tom insists that then she’d be taking away a dream from someone who actually cared about golf. Jordan tries to explain there’s a false equivalency going on here, but Stephanie asks if she can ask a question. Jordan tries to say no but Thomas says to go ahead. Stephanie asks Jordan if she’s helping Akeelah ruin Tom’s prospects for the WNBA so that way she can get close to the basketball team and finally make friends in college. Jordan sits in stunned silence and Stephanie says she sees Jordan every day at the library sitting alone not talking to anyone. Jordan asks Thomas again if he can stop the clock and Thomas again says no. Jordan, trying to keep her composure, explains that she is simply following a story where she sees it, and she’s perfectly happy not having friends. Stephanie says she saw the Facebook live video before it got taken down; the only time she’s seen Jordan happy was when she was drunk at the slumber party with the team. Thomas joins in, saying that Jordan simply wants to take the awesomely inspiring story of Tom to try to get ahead in her journalism class. Thomas is goddamn tired of successful men in the world being taken advantage of by women who just wanna leech off of their success. Before Jordan has a chance to reply, Thomas’s watch goes off. Jordan tries to talk but Tom tells her to leave; she’s had her interview. Jordan doesn’t budge and Thomas threatens to call the cops for her trespassing. Jordan finally gets up and leaves the house, and Stephanie tauntingly waves goodbye to her.

Outside, Jordan lets out a frustrated scream. She pulls out her phone and dials Akeelah, fighting back tears. When Akeelah picks up, Jordan mentions to her that Thomas and Tom are conspiring against her and that she should watch out. Akeelah senses that Jordan is upset and proposes they go out for a bite to eat. Jordan gratefully accepts and Akeelah says she’ll pick her up.

At the restaurant, Jordan meets up with Akeelah and they order their food, and Jordan orders two Long Island Iced Teas. Akeelah tells her to be careful, but Jordan insists that after enduring Stephanie, Tom, and Thomas, she deserves this. Akeelah sympathizes and asks her why she even went over there. Jordan explains that she wanted to give at least Tom the benefit of the doubt and hear his side of the story, but really he and Thomas are one and the same. Akeelah tells her she made the mistake once of questioning Tom on the team but hasn’t done it again, and that her basketball skills saved her when Coach Dewey refused to bench her. This surprises Jordan, and Akeelah explains it surprised her too, and when she asked Dewey why he stood up to Tom, he only grunted, “no questions.” This is why Akeelah focuses on the positives and is grateful that no matter what, Thomas and Tom can’t take her skills away from her, because it would only hurt Tom in the end if she didn’t play. Jordan asks Akeelah if she’s nervous about the scouts coming to the game tomorrow, and Akeelah replies that she’ll only be nervous if she lets herself be, but she trusts her playing ability and judgment. Jordan laments that she wishes she could be more like Akeelah and trust herself to do better, but the interview today shattered her confidence. Akeelah comments that she seemed confident at the party and Jordan says she’s only confident when she’s buzzed. Otherwise she takes things too seriously. Akeelah says being serious isn’t a bad thing and Jordan finds it hard to agree. Jordan chugs her drink and vows to finish the story tonight, and to let whatever happens at the game tomorrow happen. She wishes Akeelah good luck though, hoping she does well for the scouts.

At Jordan’s place, we see a montage of her writing her article while drinking a few beers. She goes on Facebook and decides to friend a few members of the women’s basketball team, all of which accept immediately except for Bailey. She gets back to work on the article, finishing it up with the ending. She checks her phone’s calendar, seeing the game is set for tomorrow at 10am.

The next day, Jordan wakes up and feels her head throbbing. She decides to make a cocktail with orange juice rum in it to try to numb the pain. At the stadium, Jordan finds her seat on the stands and spots Akeelah and the rest of the team doing warm ups on the court. Akeelah waves her down. Jordan is warmly greeted by all of the team, except Bailey, who coldly brushes her off. When Jordan asks what’s wrong with her, Akeelah tells her it’s probably nerves since Bailey’s playing today. This surprises Jordan, and Akeelah says she guesses that Coach Dewey wanted all the seniors to have a chance to show their skills for the scouts. Coach Dewey blows his whistle and motions for the team to gather around. Jordan wishes Akeelah luck and hugs her. Akeelah stops her and asks if she’s been drinking. Jordan shrugs and says she just wanted to have a fun time at the game. Akeelah asks if that’s gonna affect her story, and Jordan doesn’t see the correlation. She can have fun and still write; it helps her focus after all. Akeelah doesn’t buy it but Coach Dewey yells at her that she’s making the team wait. Jordan stops her one more time to the chagrin of Coach Dewey and asks where Tom is. Akeelah tells her he’s still in the men’s locker room with his family and runs over to the rest of the team.

Jordan looks around and makes her way to the men’s locker room. She checks over her shoulder one more time and then sneaks in. Inside, the locker room is almost completely empty except for Tom and Thomas’s voices. Jordan sneaks in further and peeks behind a locker to see Thomas, Tom, and Tommy in a huddle. Thomas leads Tom through a pep talk/prayer while Tommy emphasizes certain moments with some gospel singing and praising his dad. Tom whines about Stephanie having to work during his game, and Thomas says he shouldn’t be so needy, saying that a woman who makes sacrifices for you is the best thing you could ever ask for. Tom asks his dad what happens if the scouts don’t like him. Thomas says no one could ever hate a son of his; they can only be jealous of his greatness. Tommy adds that Tom will win as long as he grabs it by the balls. Thomas looks up from the huddle and into the mirror, suddenly making eye contact with Jordan. He calmly tells Tom that he won’t let anyone get in the way of his sons succeeding while maintaining eye contact with Jordan. Jordan rushes out.

Jordan makes her way to her seat once again in time for the tip off. In the background of the following scene, you can hear Tommy sing the National Anthem. Jordan notices the Dean sitting next to three WNBA scouts, who have clipboards out, as well as three WNBA players: Brittney Griner, Seimone Augustus and Skylar Diggins-Smith. James asks the players to explain to him what’s going on in the game, he really doesn’t understand basketball. As Jordan turns to watch the game, she suddenly is faced with Marcia Young, who is wearing a school jersey. Marcia asks Jordan what she’s doing at the game. Jordan explains that she’s trying to finish up her story. Marcia tells her she hopes she’s presenting Tom’s story in a positive light and unsubtly motions towards the Dean and the scouts. Jordan coldly replies she’s simply doing objective reporting like all good journalists should. Marcia asks her what she means by that, and Jordan bluntly tells her that if she can’t see anything wrong with Tom playing women’s basketball, she must be a real self-loathing and pathetic c***. Marcia stares in shock and Jordan smiles, asking her to move so she can watch the game. Marcia, at a loss for words, goes to sit with the dean.

The game progresses, with the team doing well and Akeelah assisting whenever she can, while Tom mostly hogs the ball. Thomas loudly cheers for him from the stands while Tommy dances. The scouts take notes while James watches in confusion, constantly asking the players to explain to him. They quickly grow annoyed but deal with his harassment civilly and politely.

Marcia spends most of the game glaring at Jordan, but Jordan is unbothered by this. At the very end of the game, Tom has the opportunity to pass to either Bailey or Akeelah, and he passes it to Bailey. Bailey takes the shot and scores. She breaks down crying tears of joy, having finally made a basket in her senior year. She goes to high-five Tom but Tom snubs her, looking annoyed at Thomas. Thomas just smiles at him and gives him a thumbs-up as the clock runs out, having Tom’s team win the game. As the people rush the court to celebrate with the team, Jordan runs up and gives Akeelah a hug. Akeelah thanks her, seeing the large crowd form around Tom, including the WNBA scouts. However, the players walk over to her and congratulate her, saying they were impressed. Jordan smiles widely, happy to see Akeelah getting the attention she deserves. 

The following Monday, Jordan nervously hands Marcia her final article at the end of class. Marcia takes the article, smiles at Jordan, flips through it, and writes a large red F on it, handing it back to Jordan. Jordan falters, upset that Marcia didn’t even read it. Marcia calmly tells her there’s nothing for her to read, and tells Jordan that if she’s unable to look at all sides of an issue with a basic level of respect, she’ll never succeed as a journalist or in any other career. She tells Jordan to leave, saying her grade is non-negotiable, and she fake-politely recommends her that another major might be better suited to her.

As Jordan leaves the building, Thomas pulls up in a convertible, wearing his Monday tracksuit. He tells her to get in the car. Jordan tells him no, and he asks again, saying he wants to talk to her and apologize. Her curiosity piqued, she gets in and Thomas asks her what she wants for lunch. As she’s about to recommend something, Thomas says he knows the perfect place anyway.

At Konstantino’s, Thomas sits across from Jordan, who is clearly uncomfortable. Jordan flatly congratulates Thomas on Tom’s success at the game, but Thomas shrugs, saying he’s happy but it’s a shame that Akeelah got the attention too. Jordan asks what he has against Akeelah and Thomas says he has nothing wrong with Akeelah; he’s just tired of seeing all these ethnic players when he watches the WNBA. Jordan calmly tells him that’s a bit racist, and Thomas, with some food in his mouth, tells her that in a way, she’s the racist one. Jordan asks how, and Thomas explains that just because he finds a goody-two-shoes annoying doesn’t make him racist; Jordan’s the one bringing race into this story. Jordan, confused for a second, says he means “ethical” not “ethnic” then. Thomas puts down his fork and says this is why Jordan reminded him of his wife. She always feels the need to correct him. Jordan tells him that if he’s blatantly wrong, he should be corrected, and that it’s not always a personal attack against him. Thomas laughs and says that women are always so sensitive, and that she’s the one taking this personally, not him.  Jordan says she thought she was invited here to get an apology, and Thomas says he is sorry. He’s sorry that Jordan felt the need to make a story where there was none. Jordan rolls her eyes and gets up to leave but Thomas tells her to sit back down, he’s got a bit more to say. Jordan tells him she just failed her class under the chair of the journalism department, she doesn’t need anymore shit today. Thomas says he’ll explain to her why Tom started doing women’s basketball in the first place.

Jordan sits down cautiously, warning him this better not be another long story about grabbing balls. Thomas explains that when he met his ex-wife, she was the most popular girl at this very college. She had straight A’s, was sexy, and was good at sports. Thomas explains that, at the time, she was exactly the type of woman he was looking for. Surprised, Jordan asks why Thomas would be interested in a woman like that. Thomas goes on to explain that he saw potential in her. If they had kids together, they’d be unstoppable. Plus, the sex would be pretty damn great. Disgusted, Jordan asks what any of this has to do with Tom. Thomas continues, saying that they got together, got married, and had their two beautiful sons, but things changed when she asked to go back to work after Tommy was born. Thomas explains that he was hurt and confused as to why she wouldn’t want to stay at home and raise their sons to be the men that they’re capable of. His ex-wife apparently felt that she had more to give to the world despite already being married and having children. Thomas angrily recalls how his ex constantly thought that she was better than him. He didn’t care that she pointed out he was running out of his father’s inheritance; he knew they’d be fine as long as they had their boys to support him the way he supported his dad when he played football in college. When they got a divorce, he vowed to prove to her that he was better than her in every single way, including raising their children. He explains that as their marriage began to fall apart, he realized he needed a plan to keep the kids. The court system in the U.S. is inherently bias to women, some bullshit about how kids need a mother. He explains that his boys were going to be men, so they needed a strong man role model more. Still, when it came down to the court, his wife accused him of punching her whenever she wouldn’t do something he wanted. The details were graphic and seemed damning, but Thomas argued that it was all in self-defense. After all, when Tom hit puberty, his wife started to become really interested in him. Thomas was disturbed by this and whenever his wife tried to make advances on a defenseless Tom, Thomas didn’t back down from protecting his son. The court couldn’t decide on the he said, she said case, but then Tom testified, saying his dad would never hurt him and always tried to protect him. Thomas’s wife was put on the sex-offender list and left the state, never to be seen again.

Jordan looks disturbed at the story, and asks Thomas if it was true. Thomas asks what part, and Jordan asks between him and his wife, what was the truth in the case. Thomas shrugs, saying truth is subjective. He was protecting his sons from being raised by a pussy-ass bitch. It wasn’t his fault she couldn’t listen to him and needed to be smacked a few times. Jordan asks if she ever tried to molest Tom, if any of that was true. Thomas admits it was a little white lie, but when it comes down it in America, women have it way easier than men. When he was a boy and he lost a game, his father always beat him. He didn’t want his sons to have that experience. He didn’t want to raise losers. Still, the thing that made the courts believe him wasn’t his testimony. It was Tom’s. Two men are always stronger than one woman. Jordan asks in horror how she convinced Tom to testify. Thomas explains that he always had the idea for his boys to succeed by competing in places men never had before to prove that he was just as good, if not better than his ex-wife. They would be the first male female basketball player, the first male Jasmine in Aladdin Jr, millions of milestones were there for taking; they just had to grab it - by the balls, Jordan completes his sentence. Thomas smiles, and says exactly, but his ex-wife was never into the idea. She believed their sons were good enough to succeed among other men, and Thomas was never going to take that risk. He convinced Tom that his mother was holding back and all he needed to do was testify a simple thing, and it’d be all basketball, his passion, all the time.

Jordan looks at Thomas horrified, and asks him why he’s telling her all this. Thomas shrugs and says that if Jordan was a dude, he’d admire her. She seemed to see a story and try to grab it by the balls. He respects that. Jordan points out that she can easily go and report what Thomas has told her, anywhere. On a blog, in the school newspaper, hell, she could go to Sports Illustrated and give them a large expose. Thomas bursts out laughing and Jordan doesn’t understand. Thomas looks her in the eye and says very calmly, “No one will believe you.” Besides, even if they did, Tom’s success speaks for itself. Jordan would just look like she was whoring for attention in light of Tom’s success. Not to mention, nobody would care about a drunk like Jordan anyways. Confused, Jordan asks what he’s talking about. Thomas pulls out his phone and shows her the video from the slumber party of her shouting “Fuck you, Marcia Young!” Thomas shakes his head at her, telling her that even though she’s already failed Dr. Young’s class, something like this could be grounds for expulsion. He also points out that she’s drinking with Akeelah and Tia, two players on scholarship, so a video like this could could get them kicked out of school as well. Close to tears, Jordan asks Thomas what he wants from her. Thomas laughs and says he doesn’t want anything from her, telling her that she’s so much more interesting when she’s drunk. He recommends she keeps it up; nothing men like more than a highly functioning alcoholic girl who loves sports and has a great ass. He laughs at her once again, and she snaps at him to stop. He asks her what she’s gonna do about it. He checks his phone and gets up, saying he’s gotta run, but Tom has an interview with Charles Barkley. He asks her to get the check and before she can answer, he jogs out, flashing a peace sign at her through the door as he leaves.

Jordan sits in silence, looking as if she’s about to break down when a waiter walks up to her. The waiter asks her what’s wrong. Jordan doesn’t answer and text begins to appear, revealing an epilogue for the following characters. Footage of those characters plays under their respective text:

- Jordan changed her major to business management and eventually transferred schools. She frequently drinks to help with her confidence.
- Thomas became a partial shareholder of Konstantino’s, and now has Taco Night two nights a week.
- Stephanie got pregnant with Tom’s child. They’re expecting a boy, to be named Thompson.
- Tommy got the part of Dorothy in his school’s production of The Wiz.
- Tom was drafted number seven in the second round in the WNBA Draft by the Indiana Fever.
- Akeelah was drafted number third overall by the Las Vegas Aces.

Back in Konstantino’s, the waiter talks to Jordan, saying she should smile. She has her whole life ahead of her, unlike him. It’s hard to be a man in America these days. She looks at him, and, with tears beginning to fall, she smiles.

Edited by Blankments
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Samurai Pizza Cats 2

Release Date: October 30th, Y4

Studio: Rising Crescent Pictures

Genre: 2D Animation/Comedy/Action

Director: Giancarlo Volpe

Theater Count: 3,363

Premium Format: 3D

"Shooting" Format: Digital animation in the style of traditional cel animation, but with "sculpted" depth on the 3D version - think Disney's 3D conversions of The Lion King or the 1991 Beauty and the Beast

Aspect Ratio: 2.40:1

Release Image Formats: 2K DCP, 2K 3D DCP

Release Audio Formats: 5.1, 7.1, Dolby Atmos

Production Budget: $50 million

MPAA Rating: PG for cartoon violence, rude humor, and peril

Running Time: 87 minutes

Main Voice Cast: Michael Cera (Speedy), Katie Crown (Polly), Mitchel Musso (Guido), Michael Yurchak (Bad Bird), Neil Patrick Harris (Big Cheese), Christopher Walken (Jerry), Al Pacino (Big Al), Seychelle Gabriel (Princess Vi), Jack Black (Bad Max)


Plot Summary: Based on the 1991 cartoon of the same name, which in turn was essentially an even zanier official "gag dub" of the already-comedic anime Kyatto Ninden Teyandee. The movie is primarily an adaptation of the episodes "The Pizza Cats Are Only Human" and "Singing Samurai Sensation."




Some time after their prior adventure, the legendary Samurai Pizza Cats - Speedy Cerviche (Michael Cera), Polly Esther (Katie Crown), and Guido Anchovy (Mitchel Musso) - continue their double lives. They serve both as the main staff members of a famous pizza restaurant and the superheroic protectors of Little Tokyo, a futuristic Japanese-styled metropolis populated by anthropomorphic cyborg animals. The narrator recounts their many great feats of heroism between this film and the last, chief among them their successful foiling of a planned heist that could have led to the theft of a precious royal treasure. Which actually turned out to be the absent-minded King Fred's pet goldfish, but hey, it's the principle of the thing.


That heist, like most of the trouble in Little Tokyo, was masterminded by the Big Cheese (Neil Patrick Harris), a flamboyant golden rat and treacherous councilman who wants to take over the city and convert it into one giant strip mall and entertainment complex. He is assisted by the once-wise, now just old and absent-minded crow Jerry Atric (Christopher Walken) and his Ninja Crow Army, led in the field by the fearsome warrior Bad Bird (Michael Yurchak). And as usual, they're up to their scheming again. This time, the Big Cheese has bought a special set of microphones on an internet auction site which the seller insists have hypnotic powers. His plan is to find a pair of singers, make them overnight stars, and then hold a huge concert with the special microphones to hypnotize the population into his loyal subjects.


Word gets out quickly that a mysterious talent scout has arrived in town and is holding auditions, looking to sign a singing duo. Guido and Speedy quickly decide to audition together, despite the fact neither of them can sing to save their lives. This leaves Polly, who is actually passionate about music, without an audition partner. Partially out of desperation and partially to spite Speedy, she ends up asking Lucille, a sheep-woman who Speedy has an enormous crush on, to be her singing partner. Lucille gladly accepts, and the two spend all night rehearsing while Guido and Speedy play video games instead.


When Lucille and the Pizza Cats - along with hundreds of other untalented hopefuls - arrive for the audition, no one seems to notice the "talent scout" is clearly Bad Bird even though his disguise consists of nothing but a fake mustache taped onto his beak and a pair of oversized sunglasses; he hasn't even taken off his bulky green combat armor. This is apparently par for the course, as he fails to recognize Guido, Speedy, and Polly as the same superheroes he battles on a more or less weekly basis. The auditions go terribly, as expected, with Lucille and Polly proving to be the only halfway decent singers in the entire city.


Bad Bird quickly signs them to a contract and tells them they'll be performing a huge sold-out concert the very next day. When Polly remarks that this doesn't sound very realistic, he assures them that he has a "wealthy benefactor" who will give them all the promotion they could ever need, and also reminds them that this is a cartoon so you can't be too picky about logic. All the group needs now is a name. Lucille suggests The Pointless Sisters, but while Bad Bird admits it's a decent pun he doesn't think it's relevant to today's young audiences. They pitch several possible names before settling on The Rice Girls because they both love sushi rice. Bad Bird again compliments the pun but the two are completely clueless as to who he thinks they could be referencing.


Literally overnight, the Ninja Crow Army puts up posters and flyers advertising the big debut performance of The Rice Girls, which makes it very hard for most of the public to sleep with all the noise. Furthermore, the next morning, several residents - including Guido - sleep in and are late to work or school because every window on their house had been papered over with Rice Girls posters and they'd missed the sunrise. In any case, the city more or less shuts down at 1 PM as everybody who's everybody leaves what they were doing and heads to the park to see the concert. Much to the delight of the Big Cheese, the entire city council, King Fred, and his daughter Princess Vi (Seychelle Gabriel), are all in attendance. If this plan works, he can take complete control of the city before the encore!


Bad Bird, in his "disguise," rushes the duo out onstage and prompts them to sing into the fancy microphones. They haven't actually written any songs, so they simply begin to sing "Row Row Row Your Boat" since it turns out it's somehow the only public domain song they both know. As their voices are amplified through the microphones, a strange energy does indeed wash over the crowd - but instead of hypnotizing them, it just seems to make them all suddenly hungry. The event descends into chaos as the entire audience of thousands abandons the show and stampedes to the concession area, overwhelming the vendors. Eventually, through the course of some comedic accident, all of the concession stands are destroyed in a food-splosion of popcorn and cotton candy.


Unwilling to believe that he fell for an eBay scam, Big Cheese blames Bad Bird for the plan's failure, even though he can't explain anything he did wrong. The two argue until finally he fires Bad Bird from the Ninja Crow Army, appointing some random rookie crow to be the new field leader even though it's his first day of training and he still doesn't know which end of his sword he's supposed to hold. Seeing that things are quickly going off the rails, Jerry Atric informs Big Cheese that this musical plan has reminded him of more qualified candidates - a group of former Ninja Crows who rebelled against the clan's structure and and "admittedly lax" code of honor and ran off to become a heavy metal band called the Rude Noise.


Jerry and the Big Cheese summon the group, composed of drummer Mojo, bassist Cannonball, guitarist Ronnie, and leader and vocalist Bad Max (Jack Black). Though at first reluctant to return to the service of the Ninja Crow Army, Jerry and the Big Cheese entice them by promising they can give them the same massive promotional push for their music career as they gave The Rice Girls if they do one simple thing first - destroy the Samurai Pizza Cats!


The heroes are closing up shop for the night when a call comes in from Big Al Dente (Al Pacino), a gruff old dog who is their informant within the city council. He's overheard Big Cheese plotting something with Jerry - something evil that will be going down in the old opera house just after sunset. He sends the heroes to stop it before it can spiral out of control. Naturally, it's a trap - when the Samurai Pizza Cats arrive, they are sealed inside the building by the Ninja Crows and confronted by the Rude Noise. Despite the villains having superior numbers, the heroes are cocky, saying that this is a kids' movie and they're the good guys, so they're obviously going to win. That's when the narrator points out to them that it's only the second act, and the cats suddenly realize they're in for a world of trouble!


While the Rude Noise aren't especially great fighters, given that they've been out of the ninja business for so long, they've got a secret weapon up their sleeves - their music. If you can call it that. In the middle of the battle, they begin an impromptu performance with the Ninja Crows serving as stagehands and audio technicians. Their loud, grinding, melody-free brand of metal is so intense, so grating and un-listenable, that it actually causes the Pizza Cats' computerized cyborg parts to go haywire! Of course, the same happens to the Ninja Crows - except for one guy who's busy listening to a "How to Be Evil" podcast on his phone with fancy noise-cancelling headphones - but it hardly matters. With the Pizza Cats crippled and malfunctioning, the Rude Noise easily kicks their butts. Before they can finish the heroes off, though, the rockers become distracted by an argument over whether Cannonball gets to do a "bass solo," which everyone else insists isn't a real thing. The badly-wounded Pizza Cats sneak out and retreat.


Back at his impeccably-decorated evil headquarters the next day, Big Cheese throws a temper tantrum about his minions letting the heroes escape. If only they knew where their base of operations was, Jerry laments, they good invade and finish them off. Just then the doorbell rings. It's Speedy, delivering a pizza they'd ordered. He's still all busted up, with the exact same injuries and broken parts as the night before, on top of not being disguised in any way. Still, no one seems to notice. With Speedy still in the room, the villains formulate a new plan - they'll just play their music over a public address system and torture the whole city until the Pizza Cats surrender themselves!


Speedy brings word of this plan back to the other pizza cats, and they resolve to stop it no matter what it takes. Of course, thanks to Polly's observation of the unaffected Ninja Crow the night before, all it takes is a quick trip to the electronics store to buy all of them noise-cancelling headphones. This seems like a great sacrifice to Polly, though, because those things are notoriously overpriced and both Guido and Speedy are broke as always, so she has to buy all three sets.


The climactic battle takes place in City Hall, where the Ninja Crows and the Rude Noise have hijacked the city's emergency public address system to begin broadcasting their performance. The entire city is suffering awful pain, disastrous tech malfunctions, and leaving very angry reviews on RateYourMusic. But with their headphones protecting them and amping them up with the music of their choice - peaceful flute instrumentals for Polly, 80s pop for Guido, and the Samurai Pizza Cats theme song itself for Speedy - they are able to defeat the Rude Noise in combat despite their injuries. The defeated ninja band declares that even though they failed, this whole gig was great publicity so they're gonna go on tour now anyway.


This leaves the Big Cheese furious, since he's now got no leader for his army. The film ends with a cutaway to Bad Bird, out of a job, just missing the messenger sent by Jerry to re-hire him. He walks into a shop looking for a job... the heroes' pizza shop!



Edited by Xillix
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Okay don't worry, I was busy writing that at the last minute, but everyone who just posted something finished is good. Just gimme a few minutes to get the first post in order.

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All right I think that does it! Woo!

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3 minutes ago, Xillix said:

All right I think that does it! Woo!

Resonance was just finished. I know it may not count but I was only like 5-10 minutes off.

Edited by Alpha

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I’d be fine with it, but I’m a bit concerned since it’ll compete directly with Tulpa in its current date.

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FYI I did just edit the post for Samurai Pizza Cats 2 but all I did was change one character's name. I'd accidentally called her by the name of a different character from the show who's not in the movie >.>

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I'm okay with Resonance being posted, if it's still in discussion

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