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Blankments Global Phenomenon

Blankments

Posted
Posted

Don't say I didn't warn you (even though I didn't.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Excerpt from

CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. THE LOCH NESS MONSTER

By BLANK MENTS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

INT. PLANE - CLASS A – DAY

 

Our hero, CHUCK NORRIS, stares out the window. He is on the phone with his dear wife.

 

CHUCK NORRIS

I am telling you, honey. I’m gonna win an Oscar with this role.

 

GENA O’KELLEY (V.O.)

Dear, I’m just not a fan of you shooting overseas.

 

CHUCK NORRIS

I know, but it’s not my decision. Besides, I can’t break my contract. Just pray for me, okay?

 

A flight attendant walks by, but then notices Chuck Norris on the phone, clearly violating safety laws.

 

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to turn off your phone.

 

CHUCK NORRIS

Oh, sorry. (to phone:) Honey, I gotta go. Love you, bye.

 

Chuck Norris hangs up the phone.

 

EXT. INVERNESS AIRPORT

 

The private jet touches down. The passengers quickly unload

 

CHUCK NORRIS

Wait, who am I driving with?

 

The assistant director looks at his clipboard.

 

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR

Well, since it’s just the five of us, and I’ve gotta go ahead on my own… Looks like you’ve got the only car. Mr. Gregg will be driving, with you, Mr. Neeson, and Ms. Hayek.

 

 

CHUCK NORRIS

Wait, why are we having all the big names in one car?

 

ASSISTANT DIRECTOR

The rest of the crew was on a different plane. I’ll go ahead and meet you there.

 

CHUCK NORRIS

Sounds fine to me.

 

INT. CAR – DAY

 

Director CLARK GREGG is driving. SALMA HAYEK is the front seat while Norris and LIAM NEESON are stuck in the back. Gregg looks in the mirror to speak with Norris

 

CLARK GREGG

It really is an honor to have you on board, Chuck. I know it’s only my second film, but you still thought it was a great script.

 

CHUCK NORRIS

Hey, it’s no problem. I can tell you put a lot of effort into it.

 

LIAM NEESON

It really is a great script.

 

Neeson sounds like he’s being honest, but glares at Norris out of the corner of his eye. A rivalry is born.

 

LIAM NEESON (CONT’D)

I’m glad you could get me in the big supporting role. After all, that category at the Oscars this year is gonna much easier to win in than, say, lead actor.

 

This is clearly directed at Norris. Gregg doesn’t notice.

 

CLARK GREGG

You flatter me too much. Nah, I’d be lucky to have this get a positive reception.

 

 

 

 

CHUCK NORRIS

No way, Clark! The only way this picture could be better is if, say, Sean Connery had the big supporting role.

 

Salma Hayek eyes the two boys. She’s picking up what they’re putting down.

 

CHUCK NORRIS (CONT’D)

No offense to you, Liam, at all.

 

LIAM NEESON

None. Taken.

 

SALMA HAYEK

Well, Clark, I’m happy you’ve got us as a great cast.

 

CLARK GREGG

Well, thank you, Salma. To be honest, I think your role is the best. If anyone’s gonna be nominated, it’ll be you.

 

Norris and Neeson share a look. Their previous rivalry is now a team up.

 

LIAM NEESON

But, Clark, isn’t the heart of the story in the friendship between Paul and Simon?

 

CHUCK NORRIS

Yeah, I mean, Salma dies in the third act.

 

CLARK GREGG

That may be true, but her death scene is the most emotional I’ve ever written. Well, here we are.

 

The car stops, but Clark Gregg sees something

 

CLARK GREGG

What the f-

 

EXT. LOCH NESS TOWN ENTRY – TWILIGHT

 

Utter dystopia. The entire town is crawling with zombies made of the crew.

INT. CAR - TWILIGHT

 

CHUCK NORRIS

Uh, is this normal?

 

CLARK GREGG

This wasn’t in the location scout!

 

Gregg puts his foot on the pedal, quickly.

 

EXT. LOCH NESS TOWN ENTRY – TWILIGHT

 

The car quickly run over three zombies blocking the car, and the car speeds down the highway around the Loch.

 

INT. CAR – TWILIGHT

 

CLARK GREGG

God, I hope their union doesn’t sue.

 

SALMA HAYEK

What’s going on?

 

CLARK GREGG

I don’t know.

 

Neeson grabs between the cushions, pulling out three handguns. He tosses one to Norris and one to Hayek.

 

CHUCK NORRIS

You’re kidding, right?

 

Neeson stares at Norris gravely as Gregg continues aggressively driving.

 

LIAM NEESON

You saw the crew, right?

 

CHUCK NORRIS

Yeah, and?

 

LIAM NEESON

They’re a threat to us now. We can’t go unarmed.

 

The stress is too much for Hayek. She faints.

 

CLARK GREGG

Oh gosh. That’s a lawsuit waiting to happen.

 

LIAM NEESON

Look, Norris. I don’t like you. I think you’re a washed up hack who just signed onto this role to be relevant again.

 

CHUCK NORRIS

So what does that make you?

 

CLARK GREGG

Uhh, guys... there are more important things to worry about now than your own insecurity issues.

 

LIAM NEESON

Shut the fuck up, Gregg!

 

CHUCK NORRIS

Hey!

 

Norris has pulled his gun out to Neeson. He cocks the gun.

 

CHUCK NORRIS

I don’t care what you say about me, or anyone else, Neeson. What I do care about is the dangers of sin.

 

LIAM NEESON

Oh, god –

 

CHUCK NORRIS

Thou shalt never take the Lord’s name in vain.

 

CLARK GREGG

Uh, guys...

 

No one is listening to Gregg, but Neeson has drawn his gun too.

 

LIAM NEESON

Fuck Jesus, man! I was the biggest badass around, but then you... you had to get Chuck Norris jokes. You stole my thunder.

 

 

CHUCK NORRIS

You still got roles at least. I’ve gotten nothing... until now. You think I’m gonna let you ruin it for me? There’s a snowball’s chance in Sam Hill of that happening.

 

LIAM NEESON

What the fuck does Sam Hill even mean?

 

CHUCK NORRIS

It means –

 

CLARK GREGG

Oh, he11 with it!

 

EXT. LOCH NESS ROAD - NIGHT

 

The car pulls to the side of the road. Norris, Neeson, and Gregg exit the car to get some fresh hair.

 

CLARK GREGG (CONT’D)

Look here, guys. This is a movie we’re making. Ever done one before? We’ve gotta cooperate, okay? We have a real crisis here, and I can’t have you too going off on me like that. Is that understood?

 

Gunshots are heard, but they aren’t from Norris or Neeson’s guns. Gregg turns around to see –

 

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

D@mn right it was understood, motherfucker.

 

Jackson is wearing a trench coat of sheer awesomeness. His eyes are covered in green scales.

 

LIAM NEESON

What are you doing here, Sam?

 

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Who you talking too?

 

CHUCK NORRIS

Uhhh... I’m pretty sure Liam’s talking to you. Seeing your name is Sam.

 

 

CLARK GREGG

Yeah, I called Sam all the time in our scenes together in –

 

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Are you talking to me, motherfucker?

 

LIAM NEESON

Uh, yeah.

 

CHUCK NORRIS

Watch your language.

 

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

I am Samuel L. Motherfucking Jackson. You bitches would be best to remember that in the last moments before you die.

 

CLARK GREGG

Huh?

 

Jackson pulls out a harpoon gun out of his trench coat. As he opens it up, it seems to be a portal to another world.

 

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Say good night, Clarky!

 

Jackson shoots the harpoon gun in Gregg’s legs. He immediately falls to the ground unconscious. Jackson turns to Neeson and Norris who are staring at him in shock.

 

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Don’t you guys worry. The boss has other plans for you two dickheads.

 

CHUCK NORRIS

What.

 

LIAM NEESON

The.

 

CHUCK NORRIS   LIAM NEESON

Fuck.

 

 

 

Norris and Neeson stare at each other. A plan is made silently. Norris runs to tackle Jackson. Jackson quickly wraps himself and Gregg in the coat. They disappear. Norris and Neeson look around for him but then...

 

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Wow, you guys are shitheads.

 

He is on top of the van, and the unconscious Salma Hayek is his hands now.

 

SAMUEL L. JACKSON (CONT’D)

There’s nothing like two hostages.

 

Jackson disappears along with the two hostages in his coat. Neeson and Norris are in shock, but for different reasons.

 

CHUCK NORRIS

Where did they go?

 

LIAM NEESON

You swore earlier.

 

CHUCK NORRIS

Where the fuck did they go??

 

LIAM NEESON

You swore again.

 

CHUCK NORRIS

I swear when I’m panicked, doesn’t mean it’s not a sin.

 

LIAM NEESON

Sure...

 

SAMUEL L. JACKSON (V.O.)

Looking for me?

 

Norris and Neeson turn to the loch.

 

EXT. LOCH NESS - NIGHT

 

The loch has huge waves coming from the center. Suddenly, the LOCH NESS MONSTER appears. Samuel L. Jackson climbs out through his teeth.

 

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Woo, wee! You guys should see the look on your faces.

 

EXT. LOCH NESS ROAD - NIGHT

 

We see the look on their faces. Complete. Utter shock.

 

EXT. LOCH NESS - NIGHT

 

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Meet my good friend here, Nessie.

 

LOCH NESS MONSTER

You may call me the Loch Ness Monster, and nothing else, Sam.

 

The Loch Ness Monster’s voice is pure golden honey. Think Morgan Freeman, but more monster-y.

 

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Yes, master.

 

LOCH NESS MONSTER.

Excellent. Now be a good boy, Sammy and stay with the hostages in my nose.

 

SAMUEL L. JACKSON

Yes, master.

 

Jackson crawls into the Loch Ness Monster’s nose, as the Loch Ness Monster continues to speak.

 

LOCH NESS MONSTER

Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson, is it?

 

EXT. LOCH NESS ROAD - NIGHT

 

LIAM NESSON

That’s us.

 

CHUCK NORRIS

What the he11 do you want?

 

EXT. LOCH NESS - NIGHT

 

The monster smiles.

 

LOCH NESS MONSTER

A good show. Here’s my deal for you. As you may have probably guessed, I have brainwashed Mr. Samuel L. Jackson to do my dirty work. Now, I have heard tales of both your badass accomplishments, and I’d like to offer you a deal. I’ll release your hostages... if you can beat my zombie army and its commander-in-chief, Sam. Of course, you must kill him, but what’s a good feat without some death?

 

EXT. LOCH NESS ROAD - NIGHT

 

CHUCK NORRIS

I don’t negotiate with terrorists.

 

EXT. LOCH NESS - NIGHT

 

The monster smiles again.

 

LOCH NESS MONSTER

Well then, I’d guess it’s a good thing I’m a cryptid. Within 24 hours I will eat my hostages. It is your choice if you’d like for them to go free. Goodnight, Mr. Norris, Mr. Neeson.

 

Submersion begins, and a huge wave is formed from the Monster sinking back into Loch Ness.

 

EXT. LOCH NESS ROAD - NIGHT

 

From the perspectives of Norris and Neeson, it looks like a giant wave is coming to kill them.

 

LIAM NEESON

What now? We can’t fight a flood.

 

CHUCK NORRIS

No, we can’t.

 

He does a roundhouse kick to a tree and pulls off a surfboard-piece of bark.

 

CHUCK NORRIS

But we can ride one.

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Blankments Global Phenomenon

Blankments

Posted
Posted

Thanks guys! :D It really just something I quickly wrote to get it out of the way, but I'm glad you all liked it. :P I'm considering maybe writing the full script, but that'd just be for fun since obviously it'd be impossible to make into an indie production ;)

 

THAT WAS AWESOME. Seriously, great job, Blank! I wonder if your teacher and classmates liked it.

I can answer that. Classmates didn't see it, but the film theory teacher was his typical missing-the-point self. "I think it'd be a lot less cheesy if it was someone besides Chuck Norris" and "The characters are a bit more crazy than realistic." He did write down "lol" next to SLJ showing up though, and I got a 50/50 A+ on it :D

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Alpha Global Phenomenon

Alpha

Posted
Posted

Thanks guys! :D It really just something I quickly wrote to get it out of the way, but I'm glad you all liked it. :P I'm considering maybe writing the full script, but that'd just be for fun since obviously it'd be impossible to make into an indie production ;)

 

I can answer that. Classmates didn't see it, but the film theory teacher was his typical missing-the-point self. "I think it'd be a lot less cheesy if it was someone besides Chuck Norris" and "The characters are a bit more crazy than realistic." He did write down "lol" next to SLJ showing up though, and I got a 50/50 A+ on it :D

 

:wave: 

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Films Blockbuster

Films

Posted
Posted

early april/may schedule [some films might get pushed back]

13 april

horror house [complete]

the innocent [limited, got idea]

20 april

Untitled animation from same company as hush hush little baby [it's got idea and my comic strip, date unconfirmed]

innocent [limited]

27 april

innocent [wide]

Romanian [imax only, not started]

4 may

Move [based on little mix, not started]

Romanian [imax only]

11 may

Romanian [wide]

25 may

candy crush [complete]

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Films Blockbuster

Films

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Posted

Don't know what Innocence is about but The Innocent is a musical about someone who is sent down to life in prison for stealing even though the case is being over exaggerated by a police officer. This police officer than kills his wife and a cat and mouse chase begins. A musical which is like a mix of Les Miserables/Prisoners and this is starring Hugh Jackman and Hailee Steinfeld in a pretty much two hander film.

Romanian is a battle epic but this is the most likely to film to get delayed and it might.

 

Schedule update [production- the script is in the middle of being written, starter- nothing has been done, post production- in script editing process, complete- means completed fully, pre-production- something has been made eg. a comic strip but script has not started]

Horror house- Post production

Candy Crush- Post Production

Move- Production

Untitled tortoise animation- Pre-production

The Innocent- Starter

Romanian- Starter

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Blankments Global Phenomenon

Blankments

Posted
Posted

Don't know what Innocence is about but The Innocent is a musical about someone who is sent down to life in prison for stealing even though the case is being over exaggerated by a police officer. This police officer than kills his wife and a cat and mouse chase begins. A musical which is like a mix of Les Miserables/Prisoners and this is starring Hugh Jackman and Hailee Steinfeld in a pretty much two hander film.

 

Yeah, that's totally different than Innocense *thumbs-up*

 

Innocense was about sexual abuse and the messed-up gender status in Middle Eastern countries

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