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Xillix

Critical Reviews 5: The Revenge of Xillix

By Xillix, in Create A Year Of Movies (CAYOM)

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Xillix Box Office Gold

Xillix

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Same as always. No gimmicks no requests no memes. I'll trash review your stuff month-by-month in release order on a scale from half a star to five stars. I reserve the right to pretend your movie doesn't exist if it's an obvious troll submission.

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Xillix Box Office Gold

Xillix

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JANUARY

One Last Time

Oh whatever Ariana, we all know you'll be doing this til you've had eight million goodbye tours like Cher.

BOT-Tag-2-stars.png

 

Hostel: Bloodline

I've never been a fan of so-called "torture porn" movies, or most of Eli Roth's work in general. This belated sequel offers a smidge of family drama for both the protagonists and the villains, but the protagonists are only there to be meat puppets and so their side of the story goes nowhere. The villain's family drama at least has an effect on the plot but is more or less discarded by the end as well. The biggest weakness by far though is some truly horrendous editing that seems to go out of its way not to bother showing us important story events. Major characters disappear off-screen; in one case, one of the main cast simply vanishes halfway through the film and is never seen or mentioned again. If it's supposed to be leaving doors open for another sequel, color me less intrigued and more frustrated.

BOT-Tag-1-star.png

Life of Galileo

As usual for Luhrman, it's a lovely, lavishly-realized period piece and fairly entertaining despite historical quibbles. The gender-swap feels pointless at first, as there's a long stretch of the film where it adds nothing but repetitive snide remarks. Thankfully, around the midpoint it actually begins to affect the plot, though not nearly enough to make any interesting social points or political observations. And then Kanye West shows up, which is an incredibly jarring choice considering his very public politics. That's probably the most glaring misstep, but playing a close second is the re-framing of Galileo's tragic final years as a sacrifice for her husband, which feels rather at odds with the attempts of the rest of the film to paint her as an empowering figure.

BOT-Tag-2-half-stars.png

 

Wi-Fi Winnebago

A mildly amusing but ultimately aimless January comedy with some solid jokes and fun characters.

BOT-Tag-2-half-stars.png

 

The Study
A glacially-paced, low-budget vampire flick that goes nowhere. Considering the distinguished cast working at such low rates for such an awful film, I assume there's some sort of behind-the-scenes story of their involvement that's considerably more interesting than anything onscreen.

BOT-Tag-1-star.png

 

Headline

A slight but engaging January potboiler with a strong hook and passable execution, despite the predictable progression of the plot.

BOT-Tag-3-stars.png

 

Kaleidoscope

An absolutely preposterous thrown-together comedy short on laughs, characterization, or narrative cohesion.

BOT-Tag-1-half-stars.png

 

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Reddroast Box Office Gold

Reddroast

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2 hours ago, Xillix said:

JANUARY

One Last Time

Oh whatever Ariana, we all know you'll be doing this til you've had eight million goodbye tours like Cher.

BOT-Tag-2-stars.png

 

Hostel: Bloodline

I've never been a fan of so-called "torture porn" movies, or most of Eli Roth's work in general. This belated sequel offers a smidge of family drama for both the protagonists and the villains, but the protagonists are only there to be meat puppets and so their side of the story goes nowhere. The villain's family drama at least has an effect on the plot but is more or less discarded by the end as well. The biggest weakness by far though is some truly horrendous editing that seems to go out of its way not to bother showing us important story events. Major characters disappear off-screen; in one case, one of the main cast simply vanishes halfway through the film and is never seen or mentioned again. If it's supposed to be leaving doors open for another sequel, color me less intrigued and more frustrated.

BOT-Tag-1-star.png

Life of Galileo

As usual for Luhrman, it's a lovely, lavishly-realized period piece and fairly entertaining despite historical quibbles. The gender-swap feels pointless at first, as there's a long stretch of the film where it adds nothing but repetitive snide remarks. Thankfully, around the midpoint it actually begins to affect the plot, though not nearly enough to make any interesting social points or political observations. And then Kanye West shows up, which is an incredibly jarring choice considering his very public politics. That's probably the most glaring misstep, but playing a close second is the re-framing of Galileo's tragic final years as a sacrifice for her husband, which feels rather at odds with the attempts of the rest of the film to paint her as an empowering figure.

BOT-Tag-2-half-stars.png

 

Wi-Fi Winnebago

A mildly amusing but ultimately aimless January comedy with some solid jokes and fun characters.

BOT-Tag-2-half-stars.png

 

The Study
A glacially-paced, low-budget vampire flick that goes nowhere. Considering the distinguished cast working at such low rates for such an awful film, I assume there's some sort of behind-the-scenes story of their involvement that's considerably more interesting than anything onscreen.

BOT-Tag-1-star.png

 

Headline

A slight but engaging January potboiler with a strong hook and passable execution, despite the predictable progression of the plot.

BOT-Tag-3-stars.png

 

Kaleidoscope

An absolutely preposterous thrown-together comedy short on laughs, characterization, or narrative cohesion.

BOT-Tag-1-half-stars.png

 

I may have plans involving JGL directing in the future

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Xillix Box Office Gold

Xillix

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FEBRUARY
Broadway Selects: Hello, Dolly!

There's already a perfectly good movie version of this play, but if you'd rather sit through someone's cammed version of a recent stage production then I guess this is for you. Congratulations to you and all the empty seats in that theatre with you.

BOT-Tag-2-stars.png

 

Next Vegas

The visual splendor of a cyberpunk Las Vegas is a nice hook - though given the $30 million budget this doesn't exactly look like a Ridley Scott flick. Unfortunately aside from the window dressing this is a completely standard, super-predictable crime thriller. And any movie that tries to take itself seriously when it has a Golden Globe nominee playing "Derek Mayzer" deserves the middle finger anyway.
BOT-Tag-2-stars.png

Medusa
Solid animation, a good message, and some catchy songs just about save this movie - which too often feels like a badly-edited mishmash of scenes from Disney flicks past. It's got enough heart and spunk and eye-candy to be a more-than-diverting attraction for families, but don't expect it to become a new kids' classic.

BOT-Tag-3-stars.png

 

Perfect Match

It's always a disappointment when virtually every twist and turn in a thriller plays out exactly the way you expect. But what it lacks in unpredictability it at least partially makes up for with solid performances and craftsmanship. The finale has a few too many convenient coincidences and handwaves to stick the landing - and the last twist is only unpredictable because it feels thrown in for no good reason - but for most of its runtime Perfect Match is an entertaining if imperfect sci-fi time-waster.

BOT-Tag-2-half-stars.png

 

The Poet
A jumbled, kitchen-sink kind of attempt at a thriller with indistinct characters and a plot that's not interesting enough to follow through its maze of half-baked revelations. Professionally produced from a lousy script.

BOT-Tag-1-half-stars.png

 

The Mona Lisa
Though it's nothing but a surface-level gloss over the life of the famous painting's subject, it's at least a well-meaning and well-made one, with solid acting and direction and just enough period charm eked out of its small budget to make for a pleasurable watch - even if it sometimes feels like it should have been a PBS special.
BOT-Tag-3-stars.png

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Blankments Global Phenomenon

Blankments

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I’m not gonna defend Hello Dolly too hard since it is essentially a filler, but the original Hello Dolly film is generally considered to be horrid by fans of the musical, mainly due to Streisand’s total miscast. I’d say a vast majority of people actually familiar with the material would’ve definitely prefer a professionally filmed (this isn’t unofficially cammed lol) Broadway production with Bette Midler than the awful 60s movie.

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Blankments Global Phenomenon

Blankments

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Last Six isn’t great either. It was my first attempt at a blockbuster back in 2.0 and it really shows

 

main point to me rereleasing it is that I can release the better sequel in a couple of years without the 4 year gap that damaged it financially first go aroudn

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Xillix Box Office Gold

Xillix

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MARCH, PART 1

Out of My Mind

Not exactly the feel-good family movie of the year, Out of My Mind is well-meaning and definitely emotionally affecting in places. The choice to go for a PG rating and a family audience, I feel, hampers it badly. Simply put, the story itself - sourced from a book - isn't the kind of uplifting tale most families would want to expose their kids to on such a tricky subject as cerebral palsy or other disabilities. The plot tries to take a real, unflinching, sometimes righteously angry look at the way society treats those with special needs, but the confines of the PG rating keep it from fully committing to that endeavor - but not before it goes into territory that is likely to have a negative impact on young audiences.

BOT-Tag-2-stars.png

 

The Last Six

A mythological adventure that's certainly no Odyssey or War of the Gods, this is a light, often rushed, sometimes baffling adventure with an interesting multi-pantheon concept it steadfastly refuses to develop. It coasts by on the likeability of the cast, none of whom get much if any characterization, while zooming through a series of admittedly pretty locales and hand-waved concepts and plot points. If you approach the plot with any level of critical thinking you'll constantly find yourself stopping to question the convenient but totally unfounded pieces of exposition the characters routinely dole out for the sake of stringing together the effects setpieces. Definitely a turn-off-your-brain sort of B-movie, the kind that might air on the SyFy channel if the budget was 1% of what was actually spent. Passably fun in the right state of mind but a pretty poor piece of blockbuster filmmaking overall.
BOT-Tag-1-half-stars.png

 

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