Ezen Baklattan Posted October 22, 2019 Share Posted October 22, 2019 Yeah I can't blame people for Teyonnah not being great. It was not working for me as a standalone piece kind of, at all, and being a white person writing about race....there was prickly territory. The final project was an attempt to salvage something out of it and recycle some ideas that got scrapped earlier. I'll definitely try an anthology film again, since I did have some fun writing it, but I accept it being an overall misfire. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted October 22, 2019 Author Share Posted October 22, 2019 JULY Yolanda Dreams of Yogurt Does she have a key lime flavor? She should. That'd sell great. To me. Plus One It's a pretty formulaic rom-com, but also a really well-done one. It's amusing and heartfelt enough to glide past some of its many clichés. Also it panders to me specifically so that's nice too. The Academy We live in a society bottle of elixir. God of War: Kingdom Come The higher Kratos climbs the worse the movie gets. Remarkable. It's got all of the problems of the first two but moreso. Hoops 2 A completely unwarranted sequel with virtually no plot. Remember, impoverished children don't need meaningful social reform, they need sportsball so they can maybe someday wind up going to college to make millions of dollars for the NCAA as an indentured servant-athlete. De Blob Another generic movie done pretty well for what it is. It's funny enough, there's decent kid-action, and it has a good message. Ironically it makes the point Teyonnah tried to in a much more palatable way. 5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted October 22, 2019 Author Share Posted October 22, 2019 AUGUST Schadenfreude A middling domestic drama with some inexplicable character behavior and a pretty weak twist. Tommy Well that was... a thing. Did we really need a remake of the movie of the play of the album? I don't think so. It's... competent. 3:38 AM If only the movie were actually just a minute long. The Ancient Magus' Bride & the King of Cats So it's Beauty and the Beast but more fucked up. There are a lot of really uncomfortable themes and implications here between all the pretty and expensive visuals. In fact, I'm almost more tempted to compare it to a more lavish, eastern-influenced Twilight relative. That's not a compliment. At one point Chise remarks, befuddled, "I didn't do anything." That about sums the movie up. She has virtually no agency. In fact one of the only things she seems to choose to do on her own is to sell herself into slavery, which... works out fine. I have issues with the structure as well, which probably stem from the way it's been adapted from the source material. Hired Guns I'm not much a fan of Westerns, to be clear from the outset. I'm also not a big fan of the flashback-heavy plot structure employed here. That said, the ensemble cast does a good job in roles that are fairly distinct, but given my lack of interest in the genre and, admittedly, much of the plot, having so many central characters made it a little bit of a slog. I'm reminded, in a sense, of Fortnight, another well-written ensemble period piece that more or less bored me. I gave that four stars out of a sense of obligation and then retroactively swore I wouldn't do that again. So I won't. Sorry. Well-written, but I just didn't think it was especially engaging. Wolves Another nature documentary that only exists to fill a hole in a studio's schedule. Broadway Selects: Network Another filmed play that only exists to fill a hole in a studio's schedule. The Girlfriend Hoax I couldn't possibly care less about football, but I heard about this story in passing back when it was in the news. This is an interesting enough summary of the main events and it makes for a fairly entertaining sit that doesn't outstay its welcome. 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted October 22, 2019 Author Share Posted October 22, 2019 SEPTEMBER The Feminist A movie that absolutely takes it for granted you already know all about the Bible story and its expansive cast of characters, including their prior endeavors. Even for those unfamiliar with the story, though, it's remarkably low-stakes. After all, this is a Christian film, and we know from the beginning that God is on the side of the Israelites, so there's not much excitement when they do in fact overcome their enemies with divine intervention. And uh. What's up with Jodie Foster, here? This is certainly much better than a lot of Christian films but it holds virtually no value for any viewers outside of the already-devout. Turbulence Possibly the worst action movie Dwayne Johnson's ever been involved in. A tremendously stupid cliché-storm that's not even exciting or funny in a dumb way. Live2ream It still looks like shit and it's considerably stupider. Especially the twists near the end. You can try to pander to me all you want with that post-credits scene @Spaghetti but it doesn't save this movie. All-Nighter Harmless but unremarkable kids' movie in the vein of Lenny Lipton. Feels like it came out in the wrong month. Also Tim Curry has been using a wheelchair ever since his stroke years ago so it's pretty weird to see him onscreen as the boogeyman rolling after the kids. The Last Policeman The central mystery is mildly interesting at best, but pretty well-constructed. What really makes this movie work, aside from the excellent performances, is the dedication to the setting and atmosphere, and the way the looming threat of annihilation feeds into the characters and plot in ways both subtle and overt. It succeeds at transforming what otherwise would have been a mediocre Law & Order episode into a consistently engaging thriller. The ending feels like a bit of a letdown, both in the resolution of the central mystery and a key subplot, but prospects for the budding franchise are promising. Baseball Boy: The Base Thief A not-terrible but totally pointless sequel. And what are Abbot and Costello doing here? That's a disgrace I tell you. The Horn A mediocre Neeson actioner without the usual refinement of the studio's output. But it's not Turbulence so if you're an action fan who wants to see a movie in September, have at it. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted October 22, 2019 Author Share Posted October 22, 2019 OCTOBER Shiverin' Gulch There's an elephant in the room here. I'm not especially jazzed about a movie with themes of equality and anti-racism just playing fast and loose with the legend of the wendigo in the fashion of so many horror movies, to be honest. Suffice to say, the wendigo is a legend from tribes completely separate and far away from the story's setting, and the actual legend bears no resemblance to the version featured in the film. The legend is an important part of Algonquin folklore and embodies themes of greed and selfishness and has a strong metaphorical foundation which could actually tie into the story of the film, but instead Shiverin' Gulch uses it as a generic monster even less accurate to the actual folklore than your typical Hollywood depiction. It's a big issue that hangs over the film for me and could have been avoided with a bit of research or the invention of a completely fictional beastie. It's especially egregious when there's a prominent native character pointing out how white people misinterpret and take the magic out of things. And then that same character... well, that'd be a spoiler. Aside from that? It's well made and well-meaning. The story is passably interesting but somewhat slight. A major twist near the end makes little sense. The action is underwhelming and the characters range from bland to offensive. Nothing here is good enough to overcome the flagrant and rather ironic cultural ignorance and appropriation on display here. A definite misfire and possibly the most disappointing movie of the year for me. @Blankments I know this obviously wasn't done maliciously and I want to be clear that I've got no beef with you personally because of this, but I needed to explain exactly why this doesn't work for me at all. This (and the wanton misuse of native culture, myth and stereotype in general) is a trope that needs to die and it has no place in a movie trying to be progressive. Day of the Tentacle A bizarre video game adaptation that has more misfires than successful gags. The Trapped Keeper It doesn't go into as much depth as the subject probably merits, but this is still a pretty entertaining biopic that manages to be both charmingly surreal and dramatically compelling. Fiesta Loca Another fictionalized depiction of a folklore monster, and thankfully one much closer to the spirit of the original myth (pun intended). The tone is odd - it often comes across as if it should be a PG-rated animated film, but then the thematic content is obviously a lot more mature. It's a sometimes-uncomfortable sort of cross between Coco and Final Destination, of all things, and the muddled tone definitely hampered my enjoyment. But despite that it is still a fairly fun adventure with a pretty decent message about responsibility. 2 1 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4815162342 Posted October 22, 2019 Share Posted October 22, 2019 Probably by the end of the day we'll see how the race gets affected Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted October 22, 2019 Author Share Posted October 22, 2019 Considering my total lack of sleep I doubt I finish reviews tonight. At least not before midnight 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted October 28, 2019 Author Share Posted October 28, 2019 (edited) NOVEMBER Off-Road There's a great cast and a lot of pretty fun big-budget action spectacle, but you really need to just ignore the nonsensical post-apocalyptic conspiracy plot, which drags the movie down by a fair bit. Paradise Island This is pretty good. The cast is great and gives very solid performances all around. It's a really subtle drama, with a decent amount of nuance. The film amounts to glimpses into the changing lives of various characters, most of whom are frankly not especially well-defined or deeply explored by the script and rely on the considerable talents of the performers to bring them to life. There are some striking visuals and an effective somber atmosphere, and good emotional moments. It works as a mood piece and an actor's showcase, but I really wish there was more meat to the story. The structure, I feel, also hurts the film by hitting the fast-forward button constantly, which doesn't allow things to resonate as much as they should. It's a competent prestige drama. Spring Awakening This is pretty solid at its foundations, but it's such a direct, basic adaptation of the stage play that it's pretty unwieldy as a film. The huge cast of characters feel thinly-drawn and no one really gets a chance to shine. Could be worse. Understand Elevator pitch for this movie - "what if we made Limitless except it was a piece of shit?" One Big Family Tyler Perry's entire brand is more formulaic than a slasher franchise at this point. XJ-9: Rebirth If you weren't a fan of the original cartoon there's not much for you here, because it's definitely written in a way that assumes you are. Characters are caught up with, not really introduced. Concepts established in the series are not properly re-established. As someone who did watch the cartoon but hasn't seen it in years, I sometimes didn't know what was happening. Despite some surface-level attempts at observations on nostalgia and childhood and a more realistic set of main villains, it also rarely escapes the juvenile plotting of the TV show and seems an odd choice for a live-action PG-13 blockbuster. It's badly-edited, often hectic, with outlandish effects attempting to cover for a bland and fairly predictable story. A late-in-the-game twist undermines what little point the story almost had. Strictly for big fans. Duck Hunt It's dumb and overly-frantic but it has something resembling a good message. It's silly and colorful enough for kids to enjoy and not horribly unwatchable as an adult... though it might makes some kids paranoid about their parents. Edited October 28, 2019 by Xillix 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezen Baklattan Posted October 28, 2019 Share Posted October 28, 2019 (edited) XJ9....now there's a film I crapped out to make it to the deadline on time. Hopefully the sequels are gonna be a lot better. Edited October 28, 2019 by Spaghetti Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted October 29, 2019 Author Share Posted October 29, 2019 DECEMBER Jingle Hell Deranged and often quite funny, albeit with at least one scene that's just distractingly over-the-top in its repulsiveness and a fairly heavy-handed, head-slapping sequel hook. Bleach As someone unfamiliar with the source material, this seems less like an adaptation and more like a direct translation, with little apparent effort to bridge the cultural gap between the country of origin and its transplanted setting and even less work done to make it a feature film as opposed to five individual episodes. There are also major, distracting editing gaffes. At its core, though, the story and characters are fine and there's some fun action. LucIId It has every problem the first movie had (i.e., a lot) and more. Bottom-of-the-barrel tentpole cinema. Gateways It's fairly derivative - of The LEGO Movie especially - but for what it is it's absolutely rock-solid. The logic of it hangs together surprisingly well and there's a really good message. One particular character's backstory feels a bit glossed over in a way that sticks out to me, as it seems like it really required some more delving into, though admittedly it's grim enough that exploring it to the extent it deserved would probably have jeopardized the family-friendliness of this animated feature. Unquestionably the best family film of the year. The Most Wanted Man in Great Britain Another excellently-made historical feature from Numerator, this one a fair bit more interesting to me personally than some of their output given its status as a sort of chase movie. It's still a bit much for me personally, very dense. That's not to say it feels overstuffed or badly-plotted, and I never felt like I was doing homework, but I'll admit I still have trouble engaging with these stacked ensemble period dramas as much as a lot of people evidently do. That said I definitely got more legitimate enjoyment out of it than, say, Fortnight. Guardians of the Internet A really underwhelming holiday tentpole without much in the way of imagination or excitement. The jokes are mildly amusing at best and the central metaphor is pretty muddled. The action is unspectacular. Tommy Wiseau is the highlight. Thawed A bland but totally acceptable creature-feature. The Neon Psalms Stylish and with an intriguing opening scene, it quickly becomes another bland and sparsely-plotted film made to preach to the choir. As a non-member of the target audience it's often unintentionally hilarious. 2 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted October 29, 2019 Author Share Posted October 29, 2019 THE BOTTOM 15 OF THE TOP 25! 25. The Horn @4815162342 24. Hired Guns @4815162342 23. Meme Thief @YourMother the Edgelord 22. Yolanda Dreams of Yogurt @SLAM! 21. The Girlfriend Hoax @Blankments 20. Green Arrow @YourMother the Edgelord 19. Pikmin @SLAM! 18. Walking with You @Spaghetti 17. Jingle Hell @Spaghetti 16. Thermal 15. Forgiveness @Spaghetti 14. The Thin, the Phat, and the Felon @Blankments 13. De Blob @Spaghetti 12. Super Mario Bros. @YourMother the Edgelord 11. The Trapped Keeper @Spaghetti 3 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted October 29, 2019 Author Share Posted October 29, 2019 THE BOTTOM 5 OF THE TOP 10! 10. Borrasca @Rorschach 9. Spark: A Hero's Promise @Spaghetti 8. USS SeaWolf @4815162342 7. Paradise Island @Spaghetti 6. The Most Wanted Man in Great Britain @4815162342 3 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted October 29, 2019 Author Share Posted October 29, 2019 5. Plus One @Blankments 4 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted October 29, 2019 Author Share Posted October 29, 2019 4. Voicemail 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted October 29, 2019 Author Share Posted October 29, 2019 3. The Last Policeman @4815162342 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xillix Posted October 29, 2019 Author Share Posted October 29, 2019 2. Gateways @YourMother the Edgelord 1. Mass Effect: Ascension @4815162342 6 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ezen Baklattan Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 Since I'm sure as hell not in the top 2 I'll post this pre-emptively. Thank you much for 7, 9, 11, 13, 15, 17, and 18! God that was such nice symmetry for a moment, lol. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SLAM! Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 Thank you for #19 and #22! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
YM! Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 I believe this is my first time in @Xillix top 5. Thanks for 2, 12, 20 and some reason Meme Thief at 23. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blankments Posted October 29, 2019 Share Posted October 29, 2019 Thanks for 21, 14, and 5! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
