CAYOM Sixth Annual Academy Awards!

[Blankments]

Announcer: Welcome to the Sixth Annual CAYOM Academy Awards! Please welcome your host, Jason Segel!

 

...

 

Announcer: Jason Segel? *A drum roll is heard.* What the- *Kermit the Frog pops out of an Oscar Statue on stage.*

 

Kermit: Live from the Dolby Theater, it’s the Oscars, with your very special hosts, The Muppets! Wahoo!

 

*Every Muppet runs out on stage.*

 

Male Muppets: It’s time to play the music

It’s time to light the lights

It’s time to award movies on the Oscars show tonight!

 

Female Muppets: It’s time to put on makeup

It’s time to dress up right

It’s time to raise the curtain on the Oscars show tonight!

 

Statler and Waldorf: *in balcony* Why do we always watch these

I guess we’ll never know

It’s like a kind of torture

To have to watch this show.

 

Muppets: And now let get things started.

 

Kermit: Why don’t we get things started?

 

Muppets: It’s time to get things started

On the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational

Oscartational

This is what we call the Academy Awards!

 

*Gonzo blows a trumpet which signals Crazy Harry to blow up Kermit’s Oscar statue, as he quickly exits the hole before the explosion. Standing ovation as all the Muppets leave except Kermit.*

 

Kermit: Why, thank you, everybody! I’m Kermit the Frog, your respectable host. *applause* I’m sure you’ll all wondering how the Muppets got this job. Well, we actually didn’t want it at first, but some interesting stuff happened. Take a look.

 

*A screen drops down the ceiling showing the following sketch:*

 

Walter: *walking into a room* Hey, there, Jason! I’m so happy you’re hosting the Oscars in a week! *does a double take.* WHAT?

 

Jason Segel: *looks up from script he’s writing.* Oh, hey there, Walter. *laughter* What’s wrong?

 

Walter: *eyes widen* Are you writing a new Muppet movie? Finally? There hasn’t been one in six years!

 

Jason Segel: *blushes* Well, you see, uh...

 

Walter: You are writing one! I’m going to tell Kermit!

 

*Walter runs off, leaving Jason Segel with a worried face. Cut to the Muppet Theater, where Walter is in the middle of his friends.*

 

Walter: And so we’re finally going to have a new movie!

 

*Murmurs abound.*

 

Gonzo: I hope it’s an action thriller! *does ninja-kicks, laughter*

 

Miss Piggy: I hope it’s a romance! *does a dramatic pose, laughter*

 

Fozzie: Slapstick comedy! Wocka wocka! *laughter*

 

Rowlf: I just want it to be a musical.

 

Animal: NEW MOVIE YAY NEW MOVIE

 

Kermit: This is great news, Walter! Let’s go thank Jason!

 

*Back at Jason Segel’s house, he is still writing his script, when Kermit, Miss Piggy, Walter, Gonzo, Fozzie, Rowlf, and Animal enter.*

 

Jason Segel: Hey, guys, uh, what did Walter tell you?

 

Rowlf: You’re writing the first Muppet movie in six years!

 

Jason Segel: Well, actually-

 

Walter: Let me take a look at it. *grabs the script.*

 

Jason Segel: Wait, don’t!

 

Miss Piggy: Let me see! *clears throat* “Avenue Q 2 by Jason Segel.” WHAT?

 

Gonzo: That’s a weird name for a Muppet movie. *laughter*

 

Jason Segel: I was trying to tell you guys that the rights for making movies for you guys is still up in the air. So, I’m writing a sequel to Avenue Q! *laughter8

 

Fozzie: I’m so excited! Can I be in it?

 

Kermit: None of us are going to be in that movie, Fozzie. *turns to Jason.* I understand why you’re doing it, but I still wish the Muppets could be back in the limelight.

 

Animal: *picks up envelope* OSCAR HOST OSCAR HOST OSCAR HOST. *laughter*

 

Miss Piggy: *light-bulb appears over her head.* Jason, how about you write Avenue Q2, but we host the Oscars?

 

Walter: Yeah! *all the Muppets begin talking among themselves about how good an idea this is.*

 

Kermit: If you don’t mind us asking, this does solve our problem. I know Oscar host comes around once in a lifetime, and you don’t have to give it up if you don’t want to.

 

Jason Segel: You guys host the Oscars, that’d be awesome!

 

*Muppets cheer; and the video ends. Applause.*

 

Statler: So, we have Segel to blame for this trainwreck. *laughter*

 

Waldorf: The Muppets already have overlong shows; who wanted to give them the Oscars? DOHOHOHOHO *laughter*

 

Kermit: The Muppets will be presenting awards tonight too, and overall, we’re going to have a great time!

 

*Miss Piggy runs out*

 

Kermit: Piggy? You need to get ready for the opening number!

 

Miss Piggy: Hush, Kermit, it’s time for my moment! *poses dramatically, laugher and applause.*

 

Kermit: *sighs

 

Miss Piggy: I’m Miss Piggy, the best woman in this room! Don’t you all love my dress? *She twirls, there is applause.* Heehee, it’s such an honor to be nominated. I won’t say much else before my win!

 

Kermit: Er, Miss Piggy?

 

Miss Piggy: What, Kermie?

 

Kermit: You, uh, weren’t even nominated. *laughter*

 

Miss Piggy: Excuse me, what did you just say?

 

*Animal runs across the stage.*

 

Animal: SNUB SNUB SNUB SNUB SNUB *laughter*

 

Miss Piggy: WHAT? *laughter*

 

Kermit: Animal, get in place for the opening number.

 

*Animal runs off-stage, laughing.*

 

Miss Piggy: I’m not nominated? But I was great this year.

 

Kermit: We didn’t even do any movies this year, Piggy.

 

Miss Piggy: The Muppets may have not done any movies, but take a look at what I was in this year.

 

*The screen comes down. There is a car speeding through the streets of London.*

 

James Bond (Michael Fassbender): I need you to drive the car, while I take down Blofeld’s men. Is that okay, my dear?

 

Miss Piggy: Why, yes, Jimmy. *giggles, laugher from the audience.*

 

James Bond: *rolls his eyes* The name is Bond, darling. James Bond, remember? *laughter*

 

Miss Piggy: Whatever! *She takes the wheel as Bond shoots at the car behind them.* You get them, honey! *smooches James Bond*

 

*The scene changes to a clinic.*

 

Emily (Jennifer Lawrence): This is it. Do I really want to go through with this...?

 

Miss Piggy: *in a nurse’s outfit.* YAWN! *laughter* *Music to the song “Whore” begins.*

 

Emily: *looks up.* Huh, what, I don’t understand.

A pig in the clinic? Now, that’s underhand.

 

Miss Piggy: What a bore!

Bore, bore, bore! *laughter*

Get out of here missy

You shouldn’t be such a sissy

What a bore!

A bore is the worst possible thing

You should’ve waited for a ring

To stop this bore!

 

*The scene changes to a forest. We see Daniel Rigger (Liam Neeson) running toward a girl. He reaches out for her, and...*

 

Miss Piggy: HELLO! *laughter*

 

Daniel Rigger: What? A pig? That’s who I’ve been chasing all of the time?

 

Miss Piggy: Yep! You lucky boy! *laugher*

 

Daniel Rigger: ... C’mon, c’mon, wake up, wake- *wakes up; he is in bed.* Phew! *he rolls over, and sees Miss Piggy staring at him*

 

Miss Piggy: What, honey? *laughter* Happy fifth anniversary!

 

*The scene changes to a large dining room. Miss Piggy is gorging herself at the table when Prince Belshazzar (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) storms in.*

 

Belshazzar: Mother, you can’t seriously be eating as Babylonia is falling around us!

 

Miss Piggy: *looking up from food.* Look, kid. *laughter* I require my health meals everyday; who cares about Babylonia if I’m not beautiful? *goes back to eating loudly* *laughter*

 

Belshazzar: We should’ve just gone through with my plan!

 

Miss Piggy: *looks up from food.* Stop nagging! *throws a turkey at Belshazzar, knocking him out.* *laughter*

 

*The scene changes to a beach.*

 

Christian (Ryan Gosling): I always wondered who my first love was. Maybe it was a cavewoman...

 

Miss Piggy: *runs up a loincloth.* Kissy kissy! Mwah mwah mwah! *laughter.*

 

Christian: ... Never mind.

 

*The scene changes to a Chicago apartment.*

 

Michael Gordon (Joshua Jackson): Are you okay?

 

Miss Piggy: Of course I am! *laughter.* I’ll be fine when I find the mustard! *she waves a hot dog in his face.*

 

Michael Gordon: Wait, if you’re a pig, how can you eat a hot dog? *laughter*

 

*The scene changes to a house in California.*

 

Patrick Lucas (Aaron Paul): So, that’s how you can become a hacktivist!

 

Miss Piggy: Wait, I thought this was Geek Squad. *laughter.* How do you turn on the Internet? *laughter.*

 

Patrick Lucas: Forget you, I’m just going to take over the U.S. government! Later! *he dives out a window. laughter*

 

Joseph Sevan (Oscar Isaac): *beat* He does that a lot. *laughter*

 

Miss Piggy: *beat* Do you know how to turn on the Internet? *laughter*

 

*The scene changes to a burning building. Guy Montag (Clive Owen) looks on in disgust. Suddenly, Miss Piggy runs out of the building; she is on fire.*

 

Miss Piggy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! *huge laughter*

 

*The scene changes to a mansion.*

 

Chuck Norris: Are you sure this is your daughter? *picks up an unconscious Miss Piggy; laughter.*

 

Liam Neeson: Can’t you see the family resemblance? *laughter*

 

Miss Piggy: *wakes up.* Wait, wasn’t I married to you earlier? *laughter*

 

Chuck Norris: Huh?

 

Liam Neeson: ... I’ve never seen this pig before in my life. *laughter*

 

Miss Piggy: Yeah, we were married for five years! *A Giant Spider attacks. Miss Piggy screams the whole time as Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson quickly dispatch it.* My heroes! *laughter.*

 

*The screen goes up, ending the segment. Applause.*

 

Miss Piggy: Thanks everybody! *turns to Kermit.* You see, I should’ve been nominated!

 

Kermit: Fine, Piggy, but we have an opening number to do. *runs backstage.*

 

Miss Piggy: What? He left me? Kermie...

 

*All the Muppets come out for the opening number, set to the tune of “Life’s a Happy Song.”*

 

Kermit: Everything is great

 

Rowlf: Everything is grand

 

Fozzie: We got all the Oscars in the palms of our hands

 

Scooter: Everything is perfect

 

Rizzo: It’s falling into places

 

Pepe: Just look at everyone’s happy faces!

 

All the Muppets: Let’s talk about the Best Picture nominees.

 

Gonzo: Four Five One has eleven noms

Careful Laid Plans has more with fifteen

Society’s got seven, no bombs

Cardinal plus Moon equals nineteen

 

Kermit: Everything is great

 

Beauregard: Everything’s groovy

 

Walter: There’s more nominated than those five movies!

 

Sgt. Lloyd Pepper: One movie’s Wicked!

 

Dr. Bunsen: One movie’s Cyber!

 

Beaker: MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME

 

Dr. Teeth: I’m a fan of Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson!

 

Kermit: Movies are like a major Last Ditch Effort

 

Crazy Harry: With someone to starboard and someone to port

 

Kermit: Movies can be grand

 

Janice: Just look at Le Grand Ecran!

 

Kermit: Movies don’t last a day

 

Zoot: Despite what 24 Hours may say!

 

Kermit: Movies get to the Oscars

When they make us all laugh more than Madagascar!

 

Uncle Deadly: Wait, what? That line doesn’t make-

 

Muppets: We’ve got everything that we need

Right in front of we

Nothing’s stopping us

Nothing we can’t be with the audience in front of us

 

Kermit: Movies give us action

 

Sweetums: Expedecade and Mysteries of the Beyond factions!

 

Kermit: Movies take away our strife

 

Animal: HIGH LIFE HIGH LIFE HIGH LIFE

 

Kermit: Movies rarely rhyme

 

Gonzo: Except for Sir Thymes Time

 

Kermit: Movies can be royal

 

Bobo: I like Planeswalkers: Betrayals!

 

Kermit: Movies could be stark

 

80’s Robot: Not the case for The Stuff of Legend: Into the Dark

 

Kermit: A movie isn’t a phone? What?

 

Sam: I didn’t understand The Zone

 

Kermit: What’s The Book of 4Chan?

 

Beaker: Meemeemee.

 

Kermit: Oh, Movies are great, just don’t arrive to them late!

 

Muppets: BioShock is very scary

Best Friends makes us happy

The Golden Bird’s fine

Two-One Balloons’ crime is coming out in the same year

 

*All the Muppets leave the stage, as Kermit sings to himself*

 

Kermit: Man of La Mancha, Miracle at the Meadowlands

Kind Hearts and Coronets, and Paddles: The Video Game Story? Where’d everybody go?

 

*The spotlight goes down on Miss Piggy.*

 

Miss Piggy: Everything’s great

Everything’s grand

Except that I always get snubbed

Lawrence and Chastain

Watts, Mara, and Barks

 

*Daniel Day-Lewis enters the spotlight.*

 

Miss Piggy: But I guess it’d be okay

If maybe someday

Daniel Day-Lewis would walk up to me

He’d open the envelope and say

 

Daniel Day-Lewis: And the Oscar goes to... Miss Piggy!

 

Miss Piggy: Moi?

 

*All the other Muppets run out for the end dancing. Daniel Day-Lewis leads with Kermit and Miss Piggy to his right and left.*

 

We’ve got everything that we need

Right in front of we

Nothing’s stopping us

Nothing we can’t be with the audience in front of us

You’ve got everything that you need

Right in front of you

Nothing’s stopping you

Nothing you can’t be with Muppets in front of you

Movies are great,

 

Swedish Chef: HURDURVURDURVURDURVURDURVUR

 

Everyone: Movies are great,

 

Statler and Waldorf: Ugh, this is something that I hate

 

Everyone: Movies are great,

Just don’t arrive to them late!

Yeah!

 

*Standing ovation, especially for Daniel Day-Lewis. Everyone exits the stage except for the Newsman.*

 

The Newsman: Breaking news, if you’re just tuning into us now, you missed us telling you not to be late. How unfortunate. *laughter* We’ll be back with the Academy Awards in a minute! *applause*

[Blankments]

The Newsman: Welcome back to the Academy Awards! *applause*

 

Kermit: Excuse me, I’ll take over hosting duties.

 

The Newsman: Very well. Breaking news, I have been fired from the Oscars! *leaves the stage to laughter.*

 

Kermit: Oh, that Newsman! Well, let me introduce our first presenter: she was not in a single movie last year, but won an Oscar last year! Please welcome Linda Cardellini! *applause as Linda Cardellini walks out.*

 

Linda Cardellini: It is my honor to say that the first award of the night will be Best Voice Actor or Actress in a Supporting Role. Voice acting is a fantastic profession, and this year’s nominees proved that in an fantastic way. The nominees are:

 

FRANCOIS CLUZET as THE DIRECTOR, a director who finds a new star in the middle of his film’s production, in LE GRAND ECRAN

 

JENNIFER LAWRENCE as JESSIE’S GIRL, a song character who tries to take the jukebox for herself, in SIR THYMES TIME

 

ZOE SALDANA as RAEYA, a inhabitant of a concentration camp in a terrible planetary war, in AVARICE

 

SEBASTIAN STAN as DR. NEIL WATTS, a man who works for a corporation that changes dying people’s memories, in TO THE MOON

 

OLIVIA WILDE as DR. EVA ROSALENE, a woman who works for the same corporation, in TO THE MOON

 

And the winner is...

 

OLIVIA WILDE FOR TO THE MOON!

 

*applause as she heads up to the stage.*

 

Olivia Wilde: Wow, really? I won an Oscar? Wow! I am really, really speechless right now guys. Thank you all for giving me this honor! I’d like to thank Kan Gao for his lovely animated film, and letting me play this vital character. My parents have always encouraged me, so of course I’d like to thank them! Finally, let me thank Jason for being the best man in my life. This Oscar is great, but you are so sweet! Thank you again! *applause*

 

[Hiccup]

Yay! 

[riczhang]

Yay! Don't forget to do the point counts. 

[Ezen Baklattan]

Dat opening.   

[Blankments]

Kermit: We have our first presentation of a BP nominee right here. Please welcome acclaimed author Neil Gaiman! *applause*

 

Neil Gaiman: It’s no secret I am a fan of Ray Bradbury. It’s hard to find anybody involved in my work who doesn’t like Ray Bradbury. He revolutionized sci-fi in several ways, and one of his most famous works was Fahrenheit 451. Many people have tried to translate his famous novel to film, but none as well as Alfonso Cuaron’s 451 has. Clive Owen embodies the lead role of literature’s most famous firefighter, Guy Montag, and Gary Oldman and Ellen Page are fantastic as their respective characters as well. Alfonso has made the rare adaptation of a literary classic that works, and it is simply magic to see Bradbury’s famous tale perfectly adapted to the big screen. 451, nominated for eleven Academy Awards including Best Picture.

 

*A montage of 451 follows. Applause afterwards.*

 

Kermit: Next up a man I have always wanted to work, and a rat! Please welcome Tom Hanks and Rizzo the Rat! *applause*

 

Rizzo: *bows.* Thank you, thank you all. *laughter*

 

Tom Hanks: Slow down there. You have to look good on stage. *smiles; applause*

 

Rizzo: *tries to smile* Wow, it’s so scary up here.

 

Tom Hanks: You get used to it. *laughter.* Much like being on stage at the Oscars, film has to look good to guarantee a great movie. Here are the nominees for Best Cinematography:

 

451

 

CAREFUL LAID PLANS

 

THE CARDINAL IN THE KREMLIN

 

LAST DITCH EFFORT

 

THE ZONE

 

And the winner is... Interesting.

 

451!

 

Winner: I’d like to thank the Academy for giving me this award. Working with Alfonso has always been a pleasure, although the long shots often get tiring. *laughter* It’s all too often sci-fi goes unnoticed, and I’d like to thank you all again for giving us this recognition and honor. *applause*

 

[Blankments]

Yay! Don't forget to do the point counts. 

 

They will be posted after the entire ceremony.

[4815162342]

Showtime!

[Blankments]

Rizzo: *smiles to the audience.* Does this look good?

 

Tom Hanks: It sure does... Maybe you need a little CGI makeup; that could help.

 

Rizzo: What do you mean?

 

Tom Hanks: Well, I was in To The Moon this year, and everyone knows me from Toy Story... *applause*

 

Rizzo: So you want me to go into voice over?

 

Tom Hanks: No! Just get a little CGI to fix up your nose, and you should be good. *laughter* Speaking of CGI, here are the nominees for Best Visual Effects:

 

AVARICE

 

BIOSHOCK

 

LAST DITCH EFFORT

 

MYSTERIES OF THE BEYOND

 

PLANESWALKERS: BETRAYALS

 

And the winner is...

 

AVARICE!

 

Winner #1: Thanks Mom and Dad! My brother’s pretty cool.

 

Winner #2: We’d like to thank Steven Spielberg for allowing us to have our jobs. His script allowed for such cool effects.

 

Winner #1: Yeah, and also thanks to the motion-capture cast. Without them, Amira, Naeya, and everyone else wouldn’t have been quite so realistic.

 

Winner #2: I’d like to thank my par-

 

Animal: RAGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

 

Winners: What the-

 

Animal: PLAY OFF MUSIC PLAY OFF MUSIC PLAY OFF MUSIC

 

*Rizzo, Tom Hanks, and Winners are chased off the stage by Animal.*

[Alpha]

Im playing minecraft so this better be quick.

[The Dark Alfred]

Good opening and decent winners so far. Could you do the point counts as well. Would like to see how my films finished second in every category lol

[riczhang]

Who sent in ballots?

[riczhang]

Good opening and decent winners so far. Could you do the point counts as well. Would like to see how my films finished second in every category lol

 

He's doing point counts at the very end. 

[Blankments]

Kermit: We’ve got our first performance right now. Nominated for Best Original Song, here’s Samantha Barks, Zac Efron, Elijah Kelley, and Emma Stone performing “Time for Change,” from Society! Woo-hoo!

 

*They perform in a rather simple performance, no big flares. Applause at the end.*

 

Kermit: Next up, we’ve got a man who wants pictures, pictures of Giant Spiders! Er, Spider-Man I mean. *laughter* Please welcome J.K. Simmons. *applause*

 

J.K. Simmons: Oftentimes, people wonder modern movies would be like if they were silent. I know that if animated films were silent, you lose nearly the entire story. Voice-acting keeps alive a significant part of the film. Here are the nominees for Best Voice Actor or Actress in a Leading Role:

 

TOM HANKS as JOHNNY WYLES, an old man wishing to have his life-long dream realized by any means necessary, in TO THE MOON

 

JACK MCBRAYER as SIR THYMES, a living song character who tries to find out who wrote his own song, in SIR THYMES TIME

 

AUDREY TATOU as ANGELIQUE, a young girl wishing to make it big in 1930s Hollywood, in LE GRAND ECRAN

 

GINA TORRES as AMIRA, an alien warrior deeply in love with a human being, in AVARICE

 

BONNIE WRIGHT as RIVER WYLES, a life-long love to a man who has always wished to go into outer space, in TO THE MOON

 

And the winner is...

 

TOM HANKS FOR TO THE MOON!

 

*standing ovation as she heads up to the stage.*

 

Tom Hanks: I hope I don’t get chased off the stage this time. *laughter* I’d like to thank the Academy for adding yet another gold man to my private army of naked dwarfs. *laughter* Thank you to Kan Gao for developing such a great game and then making a phenomenal picture out of it. Thank you to my co-stars, even though the first time I met a lot of them was at the red carpet, but so goes animation. Finally, I’d like to thank Rita, my real-life River. This one’s for you; I’d never abandon you for the moon. *applause*

[Blankments]

Who sent in ballots?

 

You did. I did. Alfred, Numbers, Spaghetti, Hiccup, Creator, ChD, and Alpha as well.

[Ezen Baklattan]

To The Moon! Go all the way!

[riczhang]

You did. I did. Alfred, Numbers, Spaghetti, Hiccup, Creator, ChD, and Alpha as well.

 

So judging by top 25 rankings I can probably kiss BP goodbye.  

[4815162342]

To The Moon! Go all the way!

 

 

[Alpha]

To The Moon will definetly win best picture.

[riczhang]

To The Moon will definetly win best picture.

 

I think it'll probably go to 451.