CAYOM VII - The Academy Awards

[Alpha]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the 7th Annual Academy Awards.

[applause]

[the video screen pulls down from the ceiling]

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Opening Intro: Directed By Duncan Jones. Starring Michael Fassbender, Jimmy Kimmel, Emma Thompson, Christoph Waltz, and cameos by Year 7 stars.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Darkness. Silence. We see the words LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA typed onto the screen.

 

We fade into a mansion in Los Angeles, during the day. The Hollywood sign is shown in the background.

 

Inside the mansion is Jimmy Kimmel, Oscar envelope in lap, drinking a martini. The atmosphere is quiet, relaxing. Kimmel says, “Finally, I’ll be hosting the Oscars. What a splendid night to be alive.”

 

Suddenly, we footsteps at the door. Kimmel gets up, Oscar envelope in hand, and opens the door. A pair of men pull a bag over his head and violently carry him out to a truck. They get in the truck, and Kimmel mumbles how he’ll never get to host the Oscars as the truck leaves the mansion.

 

Inside, the henchman talk through small earpieces. “We’ve found him. What’s next, boss?” In a big hideout in Paris, we see a chair swivel around. We then see Ernst Blofeld, talking. “Just dispose of the body. I will take care of the rest.” Cutting back to the truck, which drives outside the house.

 

Cutting to later, we see James Bond, running throughout the streets at Grauman’s Chinese Theater. He’s trying to shoot at the truck, and the henchman are shooting back. Other people run, and duck for cover. One of the henchmen shoot him in the torso, and Bond staggers. He shouts in his earpiece, “I’ve been hit!” At the MI6 headquarters in London, M is asking if they’re getting away. Bond responds, “Of course they’re getting away,” as we see the henchmen run back to the truck. M tells Bond to find a nearby car, and follow the henchmen. Bond responds yes, and looks for a car. He spots a Porsche, and gets in. He begins to drive after the henchmen.

 

This causes a big car chase that doesn’t need much explanation but guns, violence, and shooting. Soon enough, Bond shoots the tire on the back wheel of the truck, which causes the truck to swivel, and crash into the side of a movie theater. The henchmen get out, and run inside the movie theater. Bond gets out of the Porsche and runs after the henchmen. Inside the theater, the gunfight goes on, and the henchmen run towards and rip through the screen. Bond runs after, and jumps into the rip.

 

Bond finds himself, falling in a blue void. He soon lands on a giant filmstrip, and sees the henchmen running. On the filmstrip, Bond and the henchmen go into physical combat. Soon enough, one of the henchmen takes out their handgun and punches a hole in the filmstrip. Bond feels a sudden gust of wind, and begins to fall through this hole. It seems as if the void is endless, and cut to black.

 

Darkness. Silence. Bond begins to open his eyes, having fainted from the experience. He wakes up, and sees six cartoon characters. They are the main six characters of My Little Pony. The purple one, Twilight Sparkle (Tara Strong) says he seems new to Ponyville. Bond looks at himself, and realizes he’s a cartoon pony. He curses under his breath, and says he needs to go. Twilight asks why, and he says he’s chasing after a group of people. Twilight says, “But you haven’t even heard our musical number yet!” Twilight and the other ponies begin to sing, but Bond interrupts, saying he needs to leave now. He then runs away, and jumps through a window.

 

Bond then finds himself in a building made out of marble and stone. There are a group of people, and they all seem to be waiting for him. Bond asks what this is. One of them, Marcus Junius Brutus (Matthew Goode), yells, “Brothers! Aid me!” Bond soon realizes this is the infamous Ides of March, and he’s the role of Julius Caesar. Everyone pulls out daggers, and they begin to run towards him. Bond begins to pull out his gun, but he is too late. The Senators then jump forward, daggers in hand, and Bond is scared out of his mind. When it feels like the daggers are piercing his skin, Bond screams.

 

We cut away, and Bond opens his eyes, scared. He wakes up, and finds himself in a bed. It looks like an apartment, and he looks out the window. He seems several monsters (Parademons), and then he sees what looks like the Justice League fighting all of them. Bond says to himself, “I must be going crazy.” He then exits the room. Soon after, a Parademon flies into the room, and grabs a bed sheet.

 

Bond opens the door, and enters a small room. He sees a boy, Kyle Slater (Kodi Smitt-McPhee) sitting in a chair, in chains. Bond walks over, and says, trying to keep a positive attitude, says "Hello." Kyle asks why he's here. Bond says he really has no idea. Bond looks at the desk in front of him, and sees a report. Kyle killed people in a car crash. Shocked, Bond gets out of the room, and walks away. He smiles, "I'll see you later." Kyle says he could move things with his mind at an early age. Bond smirks, and says, "That's quite interesting," and hurries out of the room.

 

Bond finds himself in animated form again, this time a cross between traditional 2D animation and Japanese manga. This place turns out to be getting pushed a lot, sending him flying through halls. Finally, he ends up crashing through a window, and we see a red-haired girl, Emily Charnon (Joey King) rising in the air, energy swirling around her. As the bolt of energy goes towards a giant elf monster, Bond is flying through the air. Suddenly, as the bolt of energy flies towards the monster and makes impact, there is blinding light.

 

Soon enough, we see Bond, lying in snow. He looks to his left, and sees a rapping snowman (Eminem), doing a rap number about getting a cameo at the opening ceremony. Bond is confused at this, and shakes his head.

 

Bond is really on a hospital bed. No one is tending him, and he gets up from the bed. He takes out the IV, the straps, and the machines and walks outside. He sees the streets deserted, and then hears the music to Baauer's "Harlem Shake." Suddenly, we see a swarm of zombies running down the street, waving hands and doing other random things. Bond looks behind him, and sees the henchmen from before, with Kimmel's body, getting into a parked car. Bond runs after them, and gets into a car to chase them.

 

Soon enough, as they chase each other, they pass through different movie universes, until they finally fall into a lake in the universe of A Woman In The Crowd. Soon enough, the cars pass through space and time, and both of them fall through the same screen as earlier. Everyone is watching Risk Management on a now patched-up screen, when the cars tear through the screen again. The cars crash into a wall, and then everybody in the theater runs away from the screening.

 

Bond pulls out his gun, but then we hear a voice from behind. We see Blofeld, walking towards Bond, grinning. Blofeld says no one will stop him from hijacking the Academy Awards, as long as he's around. At the snap of his finger, various pyrotechnics occur, and soon enough the whole stage is crazy. Bond then says, "You have much bigger problems to worry about." Blofeld looks behind him, and sees all the characters from every movie this year, stepping out of the screen, gun in hand (albeit with obvious exceptions). The Bond theme music fades in, and Bond exclaims, "Much bigger." 

 

Suddenly, a ring of gunshots occur (not showing Blofeld's death), and soon enough Santa Claus (Dwanye Johnson) comes with 2 large miniguns, firing rapidly. Soon enough, we see Blofeld's dead body on the ground, along with the henchman. Bond walks over to Jimmy Kimmel, and takes off the bag over his head. Kimmel takes a breath, and asks that really, Blofeld died in Expedecade. Bond says, "This isn't canon." Both laugh, and Bond looks at Kimmel's Oscar invitation. He asks if he's got a show to host. Kimmel begins to cringe, but then says that because Bond saved his life, he should get to host. Bond smiles, but says he's a man with a bigger job. Kimmel says its fine. "Just pretend you're Michael Fassbender." Bond thinks, and says fine. He gets back in his car, and says he best be on his way. Soon enough, the car drives out of the theater, as the screen begins to pull up.

--------------------------------------------------------

[the car then breaks through the curtains of the theater]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, your host, Michael Fassbender!

[applause as Fassbender gets out of the car]

Fassbender: Thank you! Thank you all!

[applause quiets down)

Fassbender: Well, thank you all for being here on this very fine night. We have a great show for all of you.

Fassbender: Well tonight, we are celebrating a year in great cinema, which is the point of the Oscars. We had many great films come out this year. Who saw The Rise and Fall of Julius Caesar?

[applause]

Fassbender: Many people saw it, it was one of the highest grossing of the year. Unfortunately, it took two and a half hours to transition from the rise to the fall.

[laughter]

Fassbender: But either way, critics liked it. But they really, really liked it. They loved it. It seemed as if every critic had his eyes presented with heaven instead of the actual movie.

[laughter]

Fassbender: Anyways, who saw The Rich & Famous?

[applause]

Fassbender: Now that was a great movie. It's now up tonight for Best Original Screenplay, but I'm thinking it should've been in contention for Best Adapted Screenplay. Why? Maybe because it was based on the last five years of Lindsay Lohan's life.

[laughter]

Fassbender: A once popular star is now a low-life alcoholic. Sounds familiar doesn't it?

[laughter]

Fassbender: Let's move on from Lindsay Lohan and possibly Kim Kardashian...

[laughter]

Fassbender: And on to A Woman In The Crowd. A poignant story of courage and love, along with one of the best performances of the year by Anna Kendrick, who is up for Best Actress tonight. Where is she now?

[applause, camera glances at Kendrick, smiling]

Fassbender: Kendrick, remember. The only thing you can do is pray on Oscar night.

[laughter]

Fassbender: But A Woman In The Crowd is a great movie indeed. Well, do some research on the internet. It’s based off MLP fanfiction.

[laughter]

Fassbender: Seriously? It completely changes your perspective on the film, doesn’t it?

[laughter]

Fassbender: Well, this year was perhaps one of the most successful years in recent history at the box office. Over nine billion dollars in box office renevue...

[applause]

Fassbender: And with the highest grossing film being Justice League, which made $154 million on opening weekend.

[applause]

Fassbender: With that, millions of people across the country seemed to get deja vu from that same formula. “Man, that film was so similar to the [DATA EXPUNGED, BANNED FROM PUBLIC VIEWING].”

[small laughter]

Fassbender: This year also had a diverse crowd of movies, except for music documentaries. Linkin Park, PSY, Taylor Swift, you had teenage girls running all over the place. Next week it’s Ke$ha, today we’ll go see Usher...

[small laughter]

Fassbender: Hopefully something like this won’t happen again. Studios have gotten complaints from mother’s about their family budget being drained. And they were one hell of a storm.

[laughter]

Fassbender: Anyways, we have a great show for you all tonight, but first, a random dance act from Cirque de Soleil.

[applause, performers come on stage]

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The show begins, and it begins majestically. The performers do various trapeze acts, and the dancers are quite elegant. It celebrates cinema in a very grandeur way. While it goes on, it goes from beautiful to rather boring. It could use more excitement.

 

Suddenly, we see PSY come to the left of the stage, and he begins to fiddle with the soundboard. Soon enough, the speakers begin playing the chrous from PSY’s “Gentleman,” and after the “mother father gentleman” line, the lights go crazy and the dancers do the dance from the music video. It’s quite exciting. The crowd begins dancing too, and then PSY comes onto stage, saying “We have a great show for you tonight! the Oscars have never been better!”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Announcer: Ladies and gentleman, the Academy Awards will be back shortly!

[commercial break]

 

 

Edited May 26, 2013 by Alpha

[riczhang]

Could you put up a poll? Most wins and BP winner? 

[Alpha]

Could you put up a poll? Most wins and BP winner? 

 

I'll do it after.

 

EDIT: It's going up now.

Edited May 26, 2013 by Alpha

[Blankments]

at the opening; I approve of the host.

[Alpha]

Fassbender: Before we move on to our first award, I want to thank Duncan Jones for directing the opening ceremony, along with Emma Thompson, Jimmy Kimmel, and Christoph Waltz for starring alongside me.

 

[applause]

 

Fassbender: Anyways, please welcome Jean Dujardin!

 

[applause, Durjardin walks onto stage]

 

Dujardin: À l'ère d'aujourd'hui, l'anglais est largement reconnue comme la seule langue pour les films. Cependant, ce n'est pas le cas. Films en langue étrangère sont aussi bien de la parcelle, la direction et la narration comme les films nationaux. Tonights, 5 films qui ont prouvé cela au monde seront à l'honneur, juste en face du monde.

 

Dujardin: I bet half of you didn't even understand that, but let's move on.

 

[laughter]

 

Dujardin: Here are the nominees for Best Foreign Language Film.

 

THE IDIOT

INNOCENSE

LE PLAISIR, FAUX

 

Dujardin: And the winner is...

 

INNOCENSE

 

Majidi: Thank you all for this award. I wanted to make a film that both shocked and intrigued audiences, and I'm glad it's being recognized tonight.

[Blankments]

Also, in year 10, Kimmel's got to host. He tried to host in Y4 and Y7, third time should be the charm.

[Blankments]

Woo-hoo! Yay for Innocense!

[Alpha]

Fassbender: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Kevin Willmott!

 

[applause, Willmott walks to stage]

 

Wilmott: Considering my odd history in documentaries, it is widely accepted that a documentary is nothing but a presentation. But a documentary is more. It is a completely different art form, something that meticulously studies a subject with ease and perfection.

 

Wilmott: Maybe I'm going too deep. But here are the nominees for Best Documentary Feature.

 

JAZZ: THE MOVIE

SEARCHING FOR MR. WATTERSON

WHITE CARGO

 

Wilmott: And the winner is...

 

WHITE CARGO

 

Ken Loach: Thanks for this award. Making this documnetary was a pleasure with Michael Fassbender, who is smiling in that back corner, I know it.

 

[laughter]

 

Loach: Anyways, thanks for the award. Again.

[Alpha]

Fassbender: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, Clint Eastwood!

 

[applause, Eastwood walks on stage]

 

Eastwood: A perfect action movie needs, well, action. There's no arguement about that, of course.

 

[small laughter]

 

Eastwood: But what also completes an action movie is the timing. The stunts. The excitement. And even the acting in some cases. These 5 movies excelled in presenting these qualities, and they are up for the Best Use of Action award. The nominees are..

 

ASSASSIN'S CREED

CALL OF DUTY: EYE OF THE STORM

CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. SANTA CLAUS: ULTIMATE BADASS

JUSTICE LEAGUE

THE RISE AND FALL OF JULIUS CAESAR

 

Eastwood: And the winner is...

 

CHUCK NORRIS AND LIAM NEESON VS. SANTA CLAUS: ULTIMATE BADASS

 

Eastwood: Unfortunately, both Chuck Norris and Liam Neeson themselves can't be here tonight due to last year's...event. We'd rather not talk about it.

[Blankments]

Two years running on that

 

Alpha, feel free to slow down; you are going kind of fast. Try to wait five minutes inbetween posts maybe.

[Alpha]

Fassbender: Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome, James Cameron!

 

[big applause, Cameron walks onto stage]

 

Cameron: 2 years ago my VFX crew won a Best Visual Effects Oscar for Dawn of Oblivion, and the production of Dawn taught me more about visual effects.

 

Cameron: All visual effects will add to a movie's quality in a significant way, whether it involves practical effects involving explosions or motorcycles, or CGI worlds designed by fat computer programmers.

 

[laughter]

 

Cameron: These two departments are recognized every year with this next award, for Best Visual Effects. The nominees are...

 

THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH, AND THE WARDROBE

JUSTICE LEAGUE

LUCIID

THE RISE AND FALL OF JULIUS CAESAR

THE WANDERS

 

Cameron: And the winner is...

 

JUSTICE LEAGUE

 

Winners: Man, is this great, standing on this stage, Oscar in hand! I'd like to thank everyone in my life who inspired me to take this course, including my family, my teachers, and the Academy. I'm so happy right now, I'm about to cry.

 

[begins to cry, applause from audience]

 

Winners: Thank you, and good night!

 

Fassbender: Usually people wonder why we do the smaller, tech awards first. After all, many people's Oscar predictions rely on the bigger categories. The reason? To keep everybody on their toes. Look at Spike Jonze, he's scared out of his mind!

 

[laughter, Jonze laughs]

 

Fassbender: Really, you're more scared than Ridley Scott was than when The Wanders' reviews came in!

 

[big laughter, some shock]

 

Fassbender: Or what about you, Mrs. Rachel Weisz? You seem appalled, because I just called your name!

 

[laughter]

 

Fassbender: Oh come on now, stop that wide-eyed stare, you look like Charlie Sheen after his daily cocaine sniff!

 

[shock, laughter]

 

Fassbender: We're keeping everybody on their toes now, because we're going on our commerical break! Don't leave just yet!

[Alpha]

Two years running on that

 

Alpha, feel free to slow down; you are going kind of fast. Try to wait five minutes inbetween posts maybe.

 

When I signify "commercial break" it means "10 minute break."

[Blankments]

Oh okay, gotcha. Awesome for Justice League too!

[ChD]

God damn commercial breaks. Even when they're not real, they're still annoying.

 

God... I'm so tired. I don't think I can last through the entire ceremony.

Edited May 26, 2013 by ChD

[4815162342]

This following advertisement is brought to you by Critics Against Expedecade

 

*Numerator Pictures logo fades in, then a blank screen*

Gerard DuGalle (Max von Sydow) (Voiceover): This is the Admiral

*shot of DuGalle from the back, on the bridge of a warship looking out into space, fade to black*

DuGalle: I know many of you have been wondering why we are so far from home

*DuGalle and Alexei Stukov (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) looking at a holographic projection of a planet*

*Dropships plunging into the atmosphere of a snow-covered world*

*Armored marines sweeping an area in front of a run-down complex, cut to black*

DuGalle: So removed from our friends and loved ones

*DuGalle looking at a picture of an elderly woman, presumably his wife*

*Stukov having a drink with fellow officers*

*A bunch of armored marines sitting in a troop carrier, looking nervous, fade to black*

DuGalle (As he talks we see him and Stukov in a large room with Samir Duran (Lance Reddick), looking at something eagerly): I will now tell you why we have traveled thousands of light-years with the largest fleet in our history

*An armored marine in a dark corridor, advancing nervously. A strange noise is heard, he swings his flashlight upwards to a vent and with a shriek a Zergling leaps down and a cut to black*

DuGalle: We are not alone

*Shot of the volcanic planet Char*

*Shot of the Protoss citadel on Aiur, damaged and smoking*

DuGalle (As he talks couple shots of hordes of Zerglings and Hydralisks and more charging a Protoss defense line, being chewed up by energy beams but still breaking through. In this flurry of shots we see a couple familiar faces fighting like Fenix (Jason Momoa) and Artanis (Aaron Johnson), cutting to black with Artanis swinging a psionic blade into the camera): We are in fact under attack, by alien creatures so foul, so corrupt, so violent, that they have slaughtered our people

*Shots from the first two StarCraft films of the Zerg rampaging on human worlds, cut to black*

DuGalle: Destroyed our cities

*A shot from StarCraft showing Tarsonis devastated by the Zerg invasion, fade to black*

DuGalle: And annihilated whole worlds

*Shots from StarCraft showing a Protoss fleet bombarding Mar Sara and glassing its surface, fade to black*

DuGalle (As he speaks we see shots of Emperor Arcturus Mengsk (William Hurt), General Edmund Duke (Danny Huston), and then them looking at a parade of Dominion military forces): Now our brothers and sisters of the Koprulu Sector, long ignored after their exile, will no longer be forgotten, not when the fate of our species is threatened

*Shot of Jim Raynor (Josh Brolin) in battle armor firing his rifle at an unseen enemy*

*Shot of Matt Horner (Michael Pitt) standing on a battlecruiser’s bridge, looking concerned*

*Shot of Dominion siege tanks launching a barrage of fire that blasts a landing zone of DuGalle’s human forces*

DuGalle (This time we see him in person uttering these words from the command deck of his flagship into a comm device): We will save our fellow man, bring them back into the fold, and drive these beasts into the void!

*Shot of Infested Kerrigan (Rooney Mara) in the shadows of a corridor, slowly emerging with a grin*

*Shot of Jim Raynor, reluctantly, shaking her hand, fade to black*

DuGalle: This piece of the galaxy…now belongs to Earth

*dramatic music swells as we cut to the side of a battlecruiser with the United Nations flag painted onto the side and underneath it the words “UNITED EARTH DIRECTORATE.” The ship glides by and we then get a shot of the rear of the UED fleet, slowly zooming out to reveal dozens and dozens of vessels plunging forward in space*

*cut to black*

STARCRAFT: BROOD WAR

*We see for the first time the rocky desert world of Shakuras and a tall tower, Zeratul (Jon Hamm) standing on top, which suddenly emits a bright energy pulse that expands outward rapidly and disintegrates an approaching swarm of Zerg flying creatures*

MAY 4

[Alpha]

Fassbender: Ladies and gentlemen, Zack Galifinakis and Bradley Cooper!

 

[applause]

 

Galifinakis: It's.

 

Cooper: Very.

 

Galifinakis: Important.

 

Cooper: That.

 

Galifinakis: A.

 

Cooper: Good.

 

Galifinakis: Movie.

 

Cooper: Needs.

 

Galifinakis: Good.

 

Cooper: Sound.

 

Galifinakis: So.

 

Cooper: The.

 

Galifinakis: Characters.

 

Cooper: Don't.

 

Galifinakis: Talk.

 

Cooper: Like.

 

Galifinakis: This.

 

[laughter]

 

Galifinakis: Here.

 

Cooper: Are.

 

Galifinakis: The.

 

Cooper: Nominees.

 

Galifinakis: For.

 

Cooper: Best.

 

Galfinakis: Sound.

 

Cooper: Editing.

 

CALL OF DUTY: EYE OF THE STORM

EXTRASENSORY

JUSTICE LEAGUE

THE RISE AND FALL OF JULIUS CAESAR

SPARK 2: IGNITION

 

Galifinakis: And.

 

Cooper: The.

 

Galifinakis: Winner.

 

Cooper: Is.

 

We have a tie!

 

EXTRASENSORY

THE RISE AND FALL OF JULIUS CAESAR

 

Winners For Extrasensory: Although this is a tie, we're glad to be recognized for our work on Extrasensory.

 

Winners For The Rise and Fall of Julius Caesar: Thanks for the awards, and good night.

[Blankments]

We'll have a vote count after the ceremony, correct?

[Alpha]

We'll have a vote count after the ceremony, correct?

 

Yes.

[Alpha]

Zack Galifinakis: Here.

 

Bradley Cooper: Are.

 

Galifinakis: The.

 

Cooper: Nominees.

 

Galifinakis: For.

 

Cooper: Best.

 

Galifinakis: Sound.

 

Cooper: Mixing.

 

CALL OF DUTY: EYE OF THE STORM

EXTRASENSOR

JUSTCIE LEAGUE

THE RISE AND FALL OF JULIUS CAESAR

SOUTH PACIFIC

 

Galifinakis: And.

 

Cooper: The.

 

Galifinakis: Winner.

 

Cooper: Is...

 

EXTRASENSORY

 

Winners: I'd like to thank the Academy for this AMAZING AWARD! I'M SO HAPPY!

 

[rips off clothes, laughter, shock]

 

Winners: GOOD NIGHT!

[Blankments]

Extrasensory becomes the first multiple winner of the night.