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WrathOfHan

WrathOfHan's Top 20 (and Bottom 10!) Movies of 2017

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    After seeing 96 2017 movies, it is time to make my countdown! Last year was a strong year overall for cinema. The crop of blockbusters was a gigantic improvement over 2016, and there were plenty of great smaller films as well. What made my list? What didn't make my list? Read on to find out!

     

    Note: I did not see The Disaster Artist, Call Me by Your Name, Hostiles (could still see this but not really in the mood), and a lot of foreign stuff; otherwise, basically everything I wanted to watch was viewed, and I will be watching Roman Israel before I start my upper section of the list.

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    Before I dive into my worst films of the year, here are some dis-honorable mentions for the films I couldn't stomach but aren't shitty enough to be the worst of the worst:

     

    Raw

    Raw_(film).png

    Although this movie has slowly been growing on me, I still hate the hell out of it and think it's the most overrated movie of the year. A majority of the gross-out moments feel as if they are there only for shock value, and I just couldn't get into the film. It's a well-done film technically, but the narrative left me...... raw.

     

    Baywatch

    Baywatch_poster.jpg

    I saw this movie on my birthday, and it was by far the worst part of my day (I wasn't even ID'ed for my 17th birthday!). The biggest crime Baywatch commits is being about 30 minutes longer than it should have. The film clocks in at nearly two hours with credits, and you can feel it. This would not have been an issue if there was a plot that wasn't so empty or, better yet, FUNNY JOKES! There is a scene where Zac Efron has to play around with Oscar Nunez's dead prosthetic penis in a morgue, and the movie wants you to relish that scene. It was not a funny scene to begin with, and by dragging the joke out, the runtime lengthens, and the movie gets so much more boring. Apply that scene's faults to about 10-15 other moments in the film, and the result is Baywatch. At least Dwayne Johnson had a much superior comedy this year...

     

    Death Note

    220px-DeathNotePoster.jpg

     

    About 50% hilaribad and 50% boring, Death Note offers a weird mixture of shittiness. This movie could have been redeemed with fun death scenes, but even they feel pretty tame. Honestly, writing this has made me realize how fucking forgettable the movie is. If I watched it again, the awfulness would come back to me, but this movie was lame enough to watch once.

     

    The Foreigner

    The_Foreigner_(2017_film).jpg

    Pierce Brosnan: "WHAT DO YA THINK YER DOING MATE?????"

    *Jackie Chan stealthily does something*

    Pierce Brosnan: "FUCK!"

     

    Repeat that throughout the last 80 or so minutes of this movie, and that's The Foreigner in a nutshell. I actually don't hate this movie a whole lot, but man oh man was it wasted potential. The first half hour of the film is engaging and got me invested but didn't lead to a good payoff. The movie just runs around in so many circles as we learn more about Brosnan while Chan slowly inches closer, and it simply isn't a rewarding experience. There also isn't as much action as one would think, though the bits in there are decent. Chalk this one down as a disappointment.

     

    The House

    The_House_(2017_film).png

    Here is another movie that was a missed opportunity. The trailer for this was funny and nicely edited! Unfortunately, the same cannot be said about the movie itself. It suffers from the same issue Baywatch did by dragging out jokes longer than necessary. However, it also suffers from something Baywatch didn't: a bored cast. Ferrell and Poehler feel straight out of a filler SNL skit that lacks edge and wit. Additionally, there isn't much of a narrative, and by the time there is some conflict in the story, the movie is about to end! At least this was short.

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    Onto the bottom ten!

    #10. Justice League

    Justice_League_film_poster.jpg

    Justice League is an abhorrent mess that makes me long for simple CBMs like Wonder Woman. Everything about this movie is bad and stupid. Do you want a thin "save the world" plot complete with a bargain bin villain? You have it here! Do you want to see forced humor that never lands (Snyder and Whedon were both at fault here don't @ me)? You better laugh it up! Do you want Amy Adams to appear in three scenes and be a deus ex machina AGAIN? Actually, anyone who wants her to waste her talents on shit like this deserves this movie. THAT was by far the biggest sin this movie committed. There isn't much else to say about this movie that hasn't been beaten to death already. Justice League is funny book trash and the worst in a hallmark year for the genre.

    Edited by WrathOfHan
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    #9. Power Rangers

    Power_Rangers_(2017_Official_Theatrical_

    Back when I saw this in theaters, I thought it would be impossible for there to be 5 worse movies than this in 2017. How little I knew back then! Make no mistake; Power Rangers is a terrible movie. It meanders around as a dry highschool movie for about 70-80 minutes before morphing into a Power Rangers episode with Krispy Kreme product placement and Kanye West blaring in the background. Elizabeth Banks is the only saving grace of this movie as Rita Repulsa, but unfortunately, she doesn't salvage enough of the film. Nice try, Lionsgate.

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    #8. American Assassin

    American_Assassin.jpg

     

    Well, at least the opening scene of this movie was well-done. American Assassin is a dry, dull action flick. It's a film that so desperately wants to be political but ultimately has nothing to say (until the end; I'll get to that). The action is poorly choreographed with quick edits, and the plot struggles with several storylines that I can't even remember what the movie was ultimately going for. The performances are pretty whatever except for Taylor Kitsch at possibly the lowest point of his career. Any attempts to make him threatening Do. Not. Work. The scene where he tortures Michael Keaton is hilarious because of how un-suspenseful it is; it's an embarrassing moment for both actors, but fortunately they were both in significantly better movies this year. As for that ending, the movie tries to please the Fox News crowd by broadly painting all Middle Easterners as terrorists. It's the very last scene of the film, feels incredibly tacked on, and is just plain gross. The film went immediately from having nothing to say from saying the wrong thing! Writing this made me want to place it even lower, but there are somehow 7 worse movies than this drivel.

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    9 hours ago, WrathOfHan said:

    Note: I did not see The Disaster Artist, Call Me by Your Name, Hostiles (could still see this but not really in the mood), and a lot of foreign stuff; otherwise, basically everything I wanted to watch was viewed, and I will be watching Roman Israel before I start my upper section of the list.

    This is the most #casual thing ever.

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    The Foreigner is a far better movie about an angry parent going after authorities following the death of their teenage daughter than Three Billboards. But more importantly

     

    9 hours ago, WrathOfHan said:

    I did not see Call Me by Your Name and a lot of foreign stuff

    Then you shoulda stopped right there. Kids these days got no damn patience smh.

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    #7. The LEGO Ninjago Movie

    The_Lego_Ninjago_Movie.jpg

     

    If The LEGO Movie was about a kid playing with his toys and The LEGO Batman Movie was about a kid on a sugar high playing with his toys, this is the equivalent of a kid (or Jackie Chan?) dumping all of his bricks on the ground and playing with them. The LEGO Ninjago Movie is such a scattershot movie that jumps around with absolutely no coherence. It lacks the charm of the original LEGO Movie and doesn't quite get the absurdity of Batman. The sheer hyperness of the film makes it incredibly exhausting to watch, and it becomes a gigantic struggle to get through after the first act is over. The LEGO Ninjago Movie represents almost everything wrong with kids movies today, but it somehow wasn't the worst animated release of 2017. No, that honor goes to my next movie in the bottom ten...

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    #6. Despicable Me 3

    Despicable_Me_3_(2017)_Teaser_Poster.jpg

     

    Fuck Illuminati. The only thing Despicable Me 3 has going for it is that it's better than Minions, which isn't a hard bar to pass. Talk about a lazy sequel whose only purpose is to sell merchandise. At least Ninjago had somewhat of a soul to it, even if all LEGO movies are there to boost sales. Despicable Me 3 is as dry as kids movies come and lacks any interesting humor or ideas. I'm glad domestic audiences are starting to turn away from this garbage, because if it wasn't for the empty family market, this would have been in the low-200s and potentially sub-200M. Minions 2 will be a gigantic bomb here, and I cannot wait to see it burn.

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