Crunching the Numbers (Bloodsport Vol. 5: The Bloodening)

[The Creator]

You guys so far have mostly been picking the wrong films for me to review I guess, since there's a handful of films I liked a good bunch that were not selected for consideration.

I can think of one that will probably be as unnoticed by the majority of others this time around as it was the first time.

[Ezen Baklattan]

I may know what film you're talking about it. If it is indeed that film, I know I loved it.

[4815162342]

Giant Spiders 2

The Giant Spider Pokemon

Nature: Spidery

Special Ability: Giant Spider Assault (Spawn Giant Spiders, +20 gore, +20 teen depopulation, -20 film quality, +10 armor against film criticism)

Trainer: Alfred

Do I really have to review this film? I mean...you know exactly what's going to happen, only with more stuff thrown in because it's a sequel. So...is a review necessary?

Anyways, a bunch of teens engaging in teen activities get mauled by giant spiders who swim, jump, and rape. Lots of blood and body parts, zero acting skills on display, a total lack of meaningful narrative, and well it was still kinda entertaining in a total schlockfest way. Nothing a critic says or does will impact the box office of this film, anyone who wants to see this will see this regardless of what I or someone else says. So to sum things up: SPIDER ATTACK!

[Hunch]

a bunch of teens engaging in teen activities get mauled by giant spiders who swim, jump, and rape.

OkAy?

[Water Bottle]

OkAy?

From the movie (and I'm not fucking joke):

The creature lifts Tash up and throws her to a tree. She bangs her head, ribs are broken, lands on the floor. The spider starts raping her.

[4815162342]

Yeah Giant Spiders 2 is just plain weird.

Psychonauts

The ADHD Pokemon

Nature: Spastic

Special Ability: Adorable Quirk (Display an otherwise horrifying even in a irrevenrant childish way, +5 evasion from censors, +10 internet cred and meme ability)

Trainer: Spaghetti

Psychonauts is a crazy film, a very crazy film. Though rated PG, the film does its utmost to slip as much mature content as it can into the film in ways that censors will avoid noticing, being distracted by the film's irreverent charm and quirky wit. The plot kinda wanders around with random goings-on before finding some solid footing to craft the story and character direction around, but when it does it's got things down to a science. The voice acting is strong and the voice actors really give their characters life and personality beyond what's put on the page in front of them. This is not a film that everyone will be able to wrap their heads around well enough to sit back and enjoy, but for those who do manage it they'll be in for a treat. There are some plot and character holes and some of the content is random and bizarre for the sake of being random and bizarre, but on the whole this is fun and zany film that has some stones and some brains, which is what you hope any film would try to have.

[CJohn]

Giant Spiders must happen in real world. Raping spiders? I am there OD.

[The Dark Alfred]

lol The first Giant Spider film got decent reviews and legged it to 100m. This one is even weirder and crazier.

[4815162342]

Shiverin' Gulch

The Chupacabra Pokemon

Nature: Dusty

Special Ability: Gunslinger (+5 atmosphere, +3 new spin on genre, -5 box office potential)

Trainer: Blankments

Shiverin' Gulch is an odd sorta animated film. It tries to blend western and horror elements together while trying to maintain a PG level of maturity and content. That rating hanidcaps it a bit since whereas Psychonauts' premise allows to to get away with displaying otherwise adult stuff in wacky, irreverent ways, Gulch plays things straight and narrow. Therefore there were some tone issues with some parts seeming too dark and others too light. The overall story though is rock-solid, aside from one historical error, being that in 1860 Colorado was part of the Kansas Territory which by that point in time had adopted an anti-slavery constitution, so having a major character being a slave was a little annoying for the history buff in me. But since this is a film aimed at families I put it aside mostly. So yeah the story is good and the characters and their voice actors do a fine job at making things convincing and dramatic. The use of traditional animation was a nice touch for the setting. Shiverin' Gulch ended up being a rollicking good time at the theater, but I think if they'd gone for a PG-13 rating the film would have been noticeably superior, even if such a move would have dimmed its box office prospects.

[4815162342]

Killer Husband

The Black (Male) Widow Pokemon

Nature: Jealous

Special Ability: Misinterpretation (Main character misinterprets ambigious clues, +10 tragedy)

Trainer: Water Bottle

A couple reviewers have given outright pans to this film. I don't know why, it's actually pretty good. The film is based around Rick's slow, almost imperceptible descent into certainty that his wife is cheating on him and doesn't provide any major dramatic outbursts or insubtle anvils of action dropped onto the audience's head. Everything about Rick's descent is internal, for the most part because for 90% of the film he's tenative and unsure and doesn't want to accuse his wife falsely and ruin an otherwise loving and fulfilling marriage. It's only at the very end, when he becomes absolutely confident of his observations, that he leaps into action. Maybe they felt the jump into double-murder was bizarre and without preparation. I disagree. The entire film is based around Rick being a powder keg. Powder kegs don't go through a series of steps, they explode. Rick slowly moves himself closer and closer to the flame as he trusts in Google searches and fails to consider the perfectly rational explanations given to him for this and that. Once he reaches the flame he ignites and goes to the extreme, which makes the final minute all the more tragic, because he became so obsessed, so zeroed in, he failed to notice that the simplest explanations are generally the most correct.

[Blankments]

I was thinking maybe PG-13 on Gulch, but it sounds like I should've just gone with that rating. Oh, well, the movie is fine either way.

[4815162342]

Edward Tulane

The Long-Haul Pokemon

Nature: Patient

Special Ability: Outside the Box (Director goes outside his comfort zone, +10 artistic integrity, +5 audience and critic confusion)

Trainer: Alpha

Edward Tulane is a curious film, one I still find hard to pin down. It is also a completely out of character film for Paul Thomas Anderson, who after making big films about big ideas or dark, grit films about manipulative criminal basterds, makes a film about a china rabbit that can think and ponders its existence and merits as it gets tossed around the world. It's a very quiet, meditative tale that on occasion is given heaping doses of saccharin to jolt it awake. I just am not sure how much I bought into it all, partially because I was asked to believe that a china rabbit can form coherent thoughts and yet not wonder what sorcery caused such a strange occurrence. It's slowly paced but never outright dull, it's got coherent and consistent plotting, but never anything too gripping. It's just...there, moving along, letting the characters do their thing and then shuffle off to the side when done. I will give it props for the CGI animation sequence to change the game up a bit. I just wonder what motivated PTA to do such a modest, safe film.

[Ezen Baklattan]

Edward Tulane was just outside my top 25. It was a pretty good film, but PTA probably shouldn't have spent his time directing that. Many other directors could have done just as well with the story.Also, I kind of figured that Killer Husband would be a love-it or hate-it film.

Edited November 19, 2012 by Spaghetti

[riczhang]

Glad to see I wasn't the only one who liked Killer Husband.

[4815162342]

And it is time for the last requested film!!!!

Dogs of Babel

The K9 Pokemon

Nature: Loquacious

Special Ability: Man's Best Friend (Make a dog a centerpiece of the story, +15 female swooning)

Trainer: Blankments

Dogs of Babel is one of a few films this year about the fallout from losing a spouse. Ron Howard's tale is about a man, played with great intensity by Jason Isaacs, who can't accept the happenstance nature of his wife's death and wants to determine the truth anyway he can, in this case by wanting to teach his dog to speak English. It's a premise that sounds far-fetched and a bit loony, but Howard's direction, the tight script, and Isaacs' moving performance keep everything grounded in reality and continue the steady diet of emotion. The film's sudden swerve into creepy serial killer randomness in the second half is a bit jarring but the film is able to make the most out of the psycho Hollis. All in all, this is a strong film that is a sure thing to make audiences sigh and tear up over the emotion, especially as Isaac's character comes to the realization over what really induced his wife's death and his finally, truly taking solace in his dog. The characters aside from Isaac's role and Hollis are just sorta there, but since this really is a one-man show (with a dog) that's fine in the end.

[Blankments]

Nice to see my OC wasn't torn apart like riczhang's or Creator's. Glad you enjoyed it!

[4815162342]

Top 25 won't start until tomorrow. There's some films I need to give a look again to and my middle/back of the list is kinda fluid at the moment.

[The Dark Alfred]

I know which film won't be #1 lol

[riczhang]

Nice to see my OC wasn't torn apart like riczhang's or Creator's. Glad you enjoyed it!

Well..... One of them was relatively unscathed.

[4815162342]

So I'm bored so I will begin. This is how this will work: The top 5 will be revealed normally, so that's that, but for #25-6 I have something set up. I will reveal films in a mix of alphabetical AND reverse alphabetical order, so the films will be like A, Z, B, Y, etc. Plus, like with Impact each reveal will have a clue. I will also reveal 5 numbers beforehand, with a number corresponding to a film ranking. However you will not know which ranking goes with which film so you have to guess. You get one point for correctly guessing a film and 3 points for correctly guessing the film and its ranking. Winner gets a prize.To begin!:Film A: Do Not Talk About ItFilm B: Unlikely AlliesFilm C: Vigilante JusticeFilm D: Rising Up AgainFilm E: No Due ProcessThe Rankings in Descending Order: 24, 17, 15, 10, 6Have at it