Crunching the Numbers: Year Nine (1st Quarter Reviews)

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Tortoise Run is clearly a movie for little kids only. If it doesn't fail in being something that little kids might possibly enjoy, it avoids a D+ or worse grading.

[4815162342]

Well, Numbers, you might have another monster movie to review later this year... I put a ton of description into this movie. Sorreh!

 

I will hurt you for this. The day will come when you think your films are safe, and the reviews will turn to ashes in your mouth. And you will know the debt is paid.

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Among the Impostors

The follow-up to Among the Hidden is a more subdued affair, more focused on L's claustrophobic struggle for identity and safety in his new surroundings. It's nicely crafted and has strong tension in the right places, but the film does feel somewhat undercooked, as we have little interactions with most students aside from Jason, meaning most of them are just faceless nameless entities. While this lack of characters and development may be part of the point in establishing how isolated L feels, it also makes the film weaker because L never makes any meaningful connections with others, which makes his decision to want to help others feel off.

B-

Dystopia, USA

It's a spoof that has the material to draw from, but no creative wit or spark with which to zing it in. There's a ton of jokes, so some are bound to hit well, but most of the film is just chaotic and spastic, mildly amusing at its best, annoying and cringe-worthy at its least.

C

 

Change of Heart

*Sees it's based on a Jodi Picoult novel*

Ok, so it's going to be one of those movies.

It's well acted though.

C+

 

Skyjumper

It's a sports drama that follows the usual pattern of plot development for the most part, ending in the big achievement finale. It's well-acted and crafted, and the actual extreme sports scenes are visually a kick, the film lacks some energy and punch to it. I think one thing the film needed was an actual antagonist of some sort, something for Kemp to struggle against in his professional or personal life. Instead all complications are eliminated by the end of the first act so the rest becomes a bit perfunctory in Kemp's procedures and training to get the job done.

B-

[Ezen Baklattan]

Given the state of spoofs today, that's still a phenomenal review. 

[4815162342]

Numbers Theory

4 out of 5 Liam Neesons



Slenderman: The Search

Eh, wasn't impressed with Slenderman and this successor doesn't do much either. There are some nice thrills and chills scattered throughout, but for the most part it's just hanging around taking up space with not much there.

C-



Ice Desert

So basically the film says all the penguins die right? That's kinda the impression I got since we never see them again after they start panicking. Pretty damn dark for an otherwise childish story. Also the entire evil sideplot is kinda hilarious in how about 10 minutes after it kicks off the film goes "eh, fuck it" and just melts the entire polar cap to drown half the cast (even though penguins can swim in the water just fine). Oh yeah, and WTF at the weird cross-species romance. It's just odd. At least Tortoise Run had the excuse of being an incomprehensible mind trip.

D



Sweet Disposition

I kinda remember this film (I think) from the old days. The back-and-forth between present and flashback is generally well-handled and the chemistry between Garfield and Mara is pretty good. I think the film does lack a bit of forward momentum, since most of it is just re-telling what has happened in the past. This makes the resolution seem really forced, since after basically hearing about everything in the past, not much at all happens in the present that we see that makes the happy ending feel earned. I think a bit more focus on Dave's struggles in the present day would have been a good idea.

C+



Walking Alone

Walking Alone doesn't have the same punch as its predecessor. The opening act with Jenna's travels, particularly the encounter with Finn, is strong, evoking some of the good aspects of the previous outing as well as other post-apocalyptic wandering stories. But once the film gets to Venus the plot kinda curls into a ball and meanders with half-backed pseudo-science and mysticism. There's a lot of setup and exposition with not much payoff or dynamic changes. And the last-minute revelation seems tacked on for no apparent reason at all.

C+/B-

[Ezen Baklattan]

A little bummed that your grade wasn't higher, though I can see where some of your criticisms. I regretted not doing more with Cassandra, for instance. 

[4815162342]

Everything with Cassandra seemed like a sharp left turn into mysticism and stuff, but there wasn't much meat to it and then it just petered out. If you'd doubled-down on that the film might've gone somewhere better.

[Ezen Baklattan]

Also, I feel like endings are something I need to work on just a writer in general. I find that it's easier for me to set up stories than to finish them off, though I do think that I've had many good endings in the past. (Spark, Eccentric Minds, Seeing Her, and Extrasensory come to mind.)

[ChD]

Also, I feel like endings are something I need to work on just a writer in general. I find that it's easier for me to set up stories than to finish them off, though I do think that I've had many good endings in the past. (Spark, Eccentric Minds, Seeing Her, and Extrasensory come to mind.)

 

When I can't find a proper ending, I usually try killing someone off, lol.

[4815162342]

The Best of You

What is this I can't even. God damn you Nicholas Sparks and your WTF plot/character explosions.

C-


The Tudors

Like "The Normans," this is a documentary that provides a wide view of a historical time period, but doesn't go too much in-depth for any piece of it. It's well made, but its aim to cover all bases means while you get a decent picture of most things, you never get that much of a strong impression from the others.

B-



The Cave

It's "Mine," without the found footage angle and better production/acting values. Shame that Best Actor nominee Scoot McNairy is back to these films, though the connection with Gareth Edwards explains it (remember that Edwards' Godzilla does not exist in this universe). Numerator Pictures is planning to rectify this career stagnation.

C



Teen Titans

The follow-up to Justice League starts off strong with a lot of character building and interactions, but then it kinda just sputters to an underwhelming finale without really any second act at all. You definitely get the impression that the studio was unhappy with a lot of footage, chucked it out, and reshot for a smaller, quicker finale setpiece. The result is a film that does the most important thing: building its characters, but then skimping on the deployment and execution. I also was a bit disappointed that Cyborg was underused, since he is the only superhero carryover from Justice League into the movie.

First Half: B/B+
Second Half: C



Childhood Ruined 2

Movie-going Afternoon Ruined 2

F

[Blankments]

Just a question: how would the paragraph long act 2/3 originally for Teen Titans got?

[Ezen Baklattan]

Next up is your glorious Malick beatdown.

[4815162342]

Legacy of the Joestars: Phantom Blood

A very long and winded title for a film that seems to be a closed book. The gothic adventure atmosphere of the film is thrilling, but the first act definitely drags on for too long. The film tries to be excessively moody and foreboding in setting up its plot chess pieces but some simplification and condensing would have gone a long way. Tom Hiddleston is pure sadistic evil with the usual maniacal relish and Henry Cavill is capable and charismatic in his first major role since Year 7's The Rise of Fall of Julius Caesar. It's an enjoyable romp that still seems a bit thick in the mid-section with plot.

B/B+



Island of Dreams

Nope.

Nope/10



Conventionally Wiser

A few cool action bits. Otherwise completely disposable.

C



Where You Imagine

It's an intriguing film with a nifty premise and a generally solid execution of it, but the writing and pacing is definitely choppy to a large degree. Which is a shame, since a better flow and sense of pace/staging would have made the central relationships far more impactful. I suspect this studio will definitely get the knack of making its films soon enough.

C+

[alisson23]

Where You Imagine

It's an intriguing film with a nifty premise and a generally solid execution of it, but the writing and pacing is definitely choppy to a large degree. Which is a shame, since a better flow and sense of pace/staging would have made the central relationships far more impactful. I suspect this studio will definitely get the knack of making its films soon enough.

C+

Encouraging review

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Black Cat

It's got a neo-Blade Runner feel at times, but it also gets a bit too caught up in its action extravaganzas and its desire to be like the bastard child of Wanted and a Marvel superhero movie. The result is a decent amount of tonal inconsistency and a lot of superficial aspects that look cool but have little depth to them. It's an entertaining ride and Sam Rockwell and Karl Urban are aces as the leading heroes, but I think it's a case where the director and writers wanted a literal visual depiction of a manga/anime without thinking of how to best adapt it for the new cinematic format.

B-



The Thin, the Fat, and the Felon

The production byline says "From the Director of Miserable Fans" but really it should say "From the Co-Writer of Celluloid Heroes" since the style (and quality) is definitely more comparable to the latter than the former. Pegg and Frost do it again as buddies in over their heads and winging it with the least amount of style and class possible. The in-jokes are nicely played and the atmosphere is authentic and ambient. The best part of the film is definitely the ending within the ending, though it does slow and stutter in a few places in the middle.

 

B+/A-



Peace at Last

This was childish saccharine overload

C



Our Future

It's dumb Bayhem with a frakking dream twist in the end. Bay, Dude, you know you're better than this.

D+

[Blankments]

Sweet, got the best reviewed movie of the quarter

[4815162342]

Sweet, got the best reviewed movie of the quarter

 

But is it better than 4/5 Liam Neesons? 

[rukaio101]

Sweet, got the best reviewed movie of the quarter

Dang it Blank, you beat me by half a grade! *shakes fist*

 

Seriously though, it's always great to read your reviews, Numbers.

[Blankments]

But is it better than 4/5 Liam Neesons? 

Thin, Fat, and Felon>>>A Million Ways to Die int he West

[rukaio101]

Thin, Fat, and Felon>>>A Million Ways to Die int he West

To be fair, painful diarrhoea>A Million Days to Die in the West.

 

At least that's somewhat funny to watch.