The Wolverine (2013)

[Cochofles]

Seriously, the X-Men films need to go back to Marvel. Not gonna happen, but it needs to happen.

[Cochofles]

Could you spoil us regarding the creative way in which Viper was beheaded, fishnets? Please?

[fishstick]

It's really good. I don't recall all details but Pink gets her tangled in elevator cables and than she turns on the elevator that decapitates Bald Britney-head. It's actually cooler than  it sounds.

Edited July 28, 2013 by fishnets

[Cochofles]

It's really good. I don't recall all details but Pink gets her tangled in elevator cables and than she turns on the elevator that decapitates Bald Britney-head. It's actually cooler than  it sounds.

 

Thanks!

[RobinHood26]

Seriously, the X-Men films need to go back to Marvel. Not gonna happen, but it needs to happen.

No they don't, Im glad Marvel doesn't have the rights to X-men and Spider-Man, now they compete against each other and we get more directors, more creatively and different tones. 

[Michael Gary Scott]

I kinda wish xmen vs avengers would happen someday though

[fishstick]

I kinda wish xmen vs avengers would happen someday though

 

It's bad enough that those twins are coming to TA.

[Cochofles]

Who says that if X-men returns to Marvel they will give them the same tone as TA et al?  Marvel has shown that they have a good "ear" to pick directors and do casting. And they seem to be faithful to the comics, and are not afraid of taking risks.

[AniNate]

Enjoyed the action scenes and the new bodyguard character, but the story's just about a complete mess. I'm lost as to what the motivations were for any of the umpteen villains and the romance doesn't go anywhere interesting.

 

I'll give it a B- because it is better-paced than Man of Steel and is shot with less caffeinated hands.

[Sam]

I kinda wish xmen vs avengers would happen someday though

Oh, God no, trust me, you don't wanna see that happen. Anywhere. It'll be a freaking mess whether it's in movies, comics, or cartoons.

[Crusader]

Damn my bias with Wolvie is really showing 

 

I am so gonna be in the minority that liked this 

[mcclaine]

What movie did you see...LOL...????

 

Apparently, kind of the same film i did.

Also...

[*]The middle part is boring as hell.

[*]The ex boyfriend changing sides for no apparent reason. He wants to kill Wolverine the whole movie giving a shit what Mariko says, but then, when he finally has a change to kill him...... he saved him.

[*]The Iron Man, sorry The Addamantum Man fight sequences, and the whole idea of it, just rubbish.

The Jean Grey bits where the only parts that leave me a feeling that i was watching a movie from the X-Men universe. The after credits scene obviously is the best part of the movie.

 

At best: 6/10

Edited July 28, 2013 by mcclaine

[mcclaine]

The more i think about it, i think i like X-Men Origins: Wolverine more than this one....

[fishstick]

The more i think about it, i think i like X-Men Origins: Wolverine more than this one....

 

I enjoyed it way more and don't get the vitriolic hate. Liev was fantastic as Creed, Kitch was fun as Gambit and a fuckin Hobbit dies after 3 seconds of screentime, muahahahahah. OTOH, this thing didn't have a single engaging character aside Wolverine.

[CoolioD1]

It's fine. I like the action a lot, especially that AWESOME bit on the train. The ending didn't bother me either tbh. Though the relationship between Wolverine and that cute asian chick wasn't interesting, really, so the middle of the film was pretty boring.

[baumer]

I liked it about as much as MOS, a 7/10.  The middle really drags it down but the beginning and the end were great and of course the after credits scene was fantastic.  But one of the big problems with the movie is that Logan becomes to mortal. And I just didn't like that.  It's like Rocky V when Rocky has to go back to being broke and living on the shitty streets of Philly.  I don't want him out of his element.  And the Viper chick just seemed like she was invincible and yet when it called for it, she became easy to kill.

 

Enjoyable but not fantastic.

[Goffe]

fantastic argument. Mention two performances to say that Origins is not that bad.

Origins is shit shit in everything that try to accomplish.

[fishstick]

It isn't shit shit in performances unlike Wolverine which is shit shit in that and everything else. Save Hugh who's always fantatic.

 

I didn't read comic books and have no idea how Origins shat on that or X Men movies so I'm not viewing it from that PoV. I wasn't bored. OTOH, Wolverine was a slog in the middle so much so I wanted to get up and leave. Villans were just as shitty as Origins. Ending was attrocious. It was also too heavy on expsoition told by characters with heavy accent. I couldn't understand half of what they were saying. Origins didn't have accent problem. Etc.

[Hangman]

Talking scenes were boring, actions scenes were cool

 

I preferred X1, X2, X3, and FC over this.

 

B-

[baumer]

The movie starts extremly promisingly with Wolverine and a Japanese prison guard outrunning an atomic explosion. It gets better when Wolverine wakes ups from a horror dream starring overly-airbrushed Jean Grey who likes to sleep with her eyeliner on. Anyway, Wolverine is sporting a Grizz cause nothing spells long life of misery, self-loathing, broken heart and tortured soul like Grizzley Adams beard. To drive the point home, WolveGrizz is accompanied by a CGI grizzly who pisses on a tree.  

 

Next we see WolveGrizz arrive in a small town and you know that when a man with a Grizz comes to a small town it's brawl time. Well, not yet. First, he goes back to the woods to find CGI grizzly lethally wounded with a poisened arrow. So WolveGrizz takes a page from Baumer's bestseller and inflicts on the killer 100000 x a crulety he inflicted on a CGI bear. Serve you right, bitch. 

 

Unfortunately, this is where a good movie ends and a bad movie begins. Or, more precisely, really bad Shakespeare in a bonsai park begins. Cause, you see, this thing aspires to be a Shakespearan samurai soap opera saga about lust for power and immortality in a disfunctional filthy rich family (aren't they always?) played by the worst actors in Japan. That might explain why they are moonlighting in Wolverine instead of starring in Ju-on 8 and Ringu 12. They are really, really bad. Until you see Viper Woman, played in a career-ending fashion by someone with a name of an Eastern European model. This chick is an equivalent to Hulk Hogan - almost the same size, definitely the same hair and 100% same acting skill. She made Japanese family melodrama look like Streetcar Named Desire.

 

Anyway, Wolverine gets his Grizz shaved off and is taken to now very old and ill, but also obscenly rich, Japanise prison guard who outran an atomic explosion. He wants to thank Wolverine for saving his life by offering Wolverine to give him his regeneration power so he could live forever and Wolverine can live like a normal person and die eventually of an old age. In short, the guy's point is that Wolverine didn't really save him cause he's dying now 60 years later. Ungreatful jerk. Wolverine thinks so too and flips him the bird. OK, I made that up to improve the scene. He just says no because this is the story about de-powered Wolverine. He lost his quirk and in the next 3 minutes he'll lose his healing power when Viper Chick gives him the kiss of death.

 

So you can see from miles away where this is going. Old dude dies and we get to meet disfunctional family members. Greedy son (aren't they always?), beautiful granddaughter and heiress to the whole shebang (aren't they always?), adopted ugly granddaughter with a heart of gold (aren't they...), beautiful granddaughter's arranged fiance who's of course a douche (yeah, that too) and her childhood sweetheart now a Ninja and sworn protector of her safety(ditto). So the gist is that everyone has a reason to end beautiful Mariko's life - the yakuzza, the greedy father, the douchey fiance, the Viper Chick,etc - so her only hope is Wolverine. But he lost the healing power which means that he can't run faster than cars, is dizzy and sees Jean Grey when he is awake. Which is really bad cause all she wants is that he joins her in X Heaven.

 

This is a very boring part of the movie. There's action at the funeral and on top of a speed bullet but it's really a slog. Mariko is such a lifeless mannequin doll who randomly allows herself to be dragged by bad guys then expertly inflict some aikido on them and then let them drag her again. Damesel or not, make up your mind!

 

Anyway, slog continues with Mariko and Wolverine falling into each other's arms prompting yet another pointless visit from Jean cause his desire to live (Mariko) is now fighting his desire to die (Jean). Scratch Shakespeare, this is Greek tragedy.

 

To move the plot forward, Mariko is abducted yet again. This movie moves forward only thanks to her abductions so this is 50th in a row. Fortunately for Wolverine, Mariko's adopted sister Pink (she has Pink hair and inpenetrable accent so I didn't catch her name)  is Exposition Mutant so she fills him in with what happened, is happening and will happen. The latter exposition claims he will die in an OTT scene akin to Crank 2. Wolverine calls bullshit. And when you call bull on a prophecy...

 

...It comes true! Wolverine does a scan on himself to find out why he can't self-heal. Turns out, he has a scorpion in his heart. Apparently, that's what happened when Viper kissed him though her power seems to be puking acid and not breeding scorpions a la Alien Queen but whatever. Wolveirne decides to claw the scorpion out of his heart. Now, this is as ridiculous as it gets without any extra ridiculous interruption but they had to complicate the matter with more uninentionally hilarious pointless action. Enters Mariko's father, a douche who, like about 1000+ other people, tried to kill Mariko. He's sporting a ridiculous samurai armor most likely to protect him from Wolverine's claws now safely stuck in Wolvie's chest searching for heart scorpion. He is also played by Japan's very own Keanu, the most wooden Asian actor alive - Sanada. However, Pink is an expert katana-wileder so we have OTT fight over Wolvies stretcher. Two struggles are nothing short of epic - Wolvie is desperately trying to poke a scorpion out of his heart, Sanada is desperately trying to emote anger, angush, ambition, dishonor that comes with starring in this while Watanabe is Nolan's muse. Only one succeeded in his effort.

 

The victor and his pink-haired self-proclaimed bodyguard are heading to a fascility so top secret that they knew where to find it. Viper is holding Mariko there with the help of Mariko's childhood sweety who figured that Mariko must've banged Wolverine. So she cannot expect help. There, she is introduced to a Jaeger! Yes, Adementium Jaeger! So if you couldn't see the twist telegraphed from almost the beginning of the movie, you must have figured it out now. It's a Jaeger. That means it has a pilot. And the pilot could only be...

 

But before we spoil the most obivous twist, Wolvie and Jaeger have a fight in which Jaeger wants to declaw Wolvie and take his bone marrow or maybe his healing power. Now you deifnitely know who pilots the Jaeger.

 

But before we get to the most ridiculous scene of the movie littered with them, here comes second most ridic one. Viper has some WTF skin change from her sexy self to her sexy self. Yeah, you read that right. She only dropped her Hulk Hogan wig to reveal Bald Britney head that was her best look. I've no clue why she was shedding some thin snake-like skin only to end up looking like herself but bald.

 

Anyway, Pink decapitates her in a very creative fashion which is one out of 2 only good scenes in the movie (first being dramatization of Baumer's book). This is also a moment when - shocker of shockers - it's revealed that old grandfather who once outran atomic explosion is Jaeger pilot! he does a typical villain speech about what makes him thick and how his thickness can be twarted and while he's sucking Wolvie's lifeforce he starts getting younger and younger until he reaches the age of himself during the nuclear explosion. Now, if the movie had any creativity, they'd let him grow young until he becomes a baby which would be epic shooting himself in a foot. But alas, before he reaches even teenage years, Mariko stabs him with Wolverine's claws and he dies. marko inherits billions and Wolverine and Pink board a plane to take them to unknown future.

 

2 years later or 3 minutes after credits start rolling - Wolvie is about to beep at customs checkpoint when metal starts lifting and very old Magento (geez, Sir Ian really aged but still has more charisma than his younger counterpart) shows up behind him and asks for his help against Plot Device #78 - a superbomb that can destroy all mutants (which is the only plot X Men movies have). Then the time stops and very Botoxed Professor X shows up. he also has more charisma than his younger counterpart. The End.

 

I give this F-. Fuckin terrible. Worst movie I've seen this year. Hugh was as reliable as ever but the script robbed him of quirky lines that make Wolverine so appealing. This was one boring broodfest. Japoanese cast was a complete disaster. Hugh had ZERO chemsitry with Mariko and dead Jean. Remember when Wolverine and Jean were scorching? Well, brooding and playing a ghost kill the sparkage. The story was dumb shit that thought it was as profound as Platon and Homer. Total waste of my free ticket.

 

 

Fucking brilliant Fish.